The Meltdown That Changed Me Forever (And 2 Phrases You Must Use To Teach Instead of Punish). #617

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So you know those combustible situations with your intense kids when you don't know what to do. I have a killer phrase for you to use. In fact, I've got a whole script that I think will help with defines discipline and meltdowns and it was prompted by an email from a mom last night who asked six different questions. And I was trying to think all night. Okay, how can I answer all these questions in one meaningful example and I think I have it for you. And it happens to be the day that really changed me forever. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the call parenting podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin also host of the PDA parent podcast. You can find out in the last few days of our special Christmas in July sale. Case in high wrestled with this one because we were trying to determine the price and I was like, let's do the best price. We have done this year because inflation families are struggling and we want to help. So and if you need additional help, if you ever need financial help or otherwise, we're just a family. We're not a company. So email Casey C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm calm. It's kind of surreal at times to realize the kid that I was reactive with in the following story is now a grown man helping families with kids just like him. Although we know we're really helping us as adults to change. So let's jump into this. I had a lot of triggers. My dad was career military and one of my biggest triggers was when I would hear our son yell at my wife. So here's a common scene in the kitchen. Casey's getting upset and he's talking kind of taking out his frustration or anxiety or disappointment on his mom. Why? Well, because at that point, he couldn't trust me, his father, to be able to handle his emotions. I mean, it's sad, but it's a smart calculation by a kid. Am I going to lose it on my dad who's just going to overreact and take away all my privileges? So he would dump his frustration on my wife and that would frustrate Nanger me even though I was the reason he was doing it. So let's look at how I mishamble with it, what changed inside of me, and then how I learned to handle these situations differently. And please forgive me. I didn't write out a script for this, just some notes because I like to record sometimes when the insights and feelings are fresh and raw. So I'd walk in the room and say, "Young man, you can't talk to your mother like that." How many times have I told you, "You can't yell at your mother." That's disrespectful. And I would begin to escalate the situation. But this wasn't really about him or my wife. It was about me. I was so consumed with how his actions were making me feel that I couldn't look outside of myself to see what was really happening inside my son. And I'm not saying it correctly, but it's almost like I turned the situation around. And so the adult here, me, it was more about like, "Oh my gosh, you can't believe how a child's actions are making me feel." It was very immature. And so I want to slow down here, which is unnatural for me because I like to try to fit in as much as possible. But think about that for a second. So often we make things about our kids and their behavior. But the real issue that this scene was being dictated how my son's behavior made me feel. I was making this about me, not about helping Casey, not about helping a child, not about helping my wife. I was kind of standing up for myself because I was triggered, reactive, and just immature. And I know a lot of old-school guys will justify this like I used to, right? Well, you can't be soft. Let your child get away with things. True. Got it. But the truth is, when you yell and escalate, the child ultimately never learns anything. And the word discipline means to teach. The child only learns, "Oh, my reactive parent is untrustworthy. I was the one having the problem here, but that big grown-up over there who should have figured life out by now since he's three decades older than me, apparently never grew up and can't help me. He's just going to get frustrated and send me away from him." Which is, I guess, better than getting the belt or getting hit, but it's not helpful, right? Because that's what I got as a kid, but I still needed to grow up further. And so the child gets away with things because when you react as the parent, you never address the root of the issue. And I'll add one more thing for a perspective. We act like there's one approach to discipline or talking to kids. But think about this. In the business world, the real world, we talk to different people in different ways daily. We take different approaches with different employees. Some need to be taught, spoken to very directly and bluntly. And some, you've got to put your arm around their shoulder and walk down the hallway and build them up a little bit. With customers, you listen and read their body language. You just don't cut your customer off as they're expressing their objectives, get frustrated and yell, "You just need to buy my stuff." So in the real world, we read the person and the moment. But sometimes when it's our kids, we just want to yell at them, "Rat and have them obey." And then we feel justified doing this because they irritate us. But that's not even true. Because we choose to be triggered and react. They can't make us do anything. So I would begin to escalate and kind of lay into Casey for some very personal things. You know what? You never pick up anything around here. You don't listen. How are you going to be successful? You know, all those kind of things that we throw out when we're frustrated. And what I realized later is that I was resentful toward Casey. Because I felt like he did make life more difficult than it needed to be. Especially after all the sacrifices we made for him. But that's not real love. That's manipulation. So I would use an opportunity when he messed up, like yelling at his mom, to release those resentments. That's obviously horrible, so be aware of that. Now I could see his face was all red and something was going on. But I didn't know what to do. As he'd run up the stairs, I just keep piling on. And then Casey would go to his room, slam his door. That was another trigger of mine. Like you don't have to respect me, but you're going to respect my door. I work hard to pay for that to work. So looking back, I'm embarrassed by this. I'm ashamed. I was so immature and selfish. And I know this may sound strange, but I had really good intentions back then. I spent a lot of time with Casey. We'd go do fun things together. It's just that it usually devolved into me being critical and yelling because that's what my dad did to me. Not an excuse, but I was engaged and I was wanting to be a good dad. I just felt helpless. I didn't know what else to do. So then I come walking back down stairs thinking, oh, I just stood up for my wife because that's what I'm supposed to do. And you know what my wife was thinking? No, no, you didn't. You just ruined the whole evening because now I have to go upstairs and spend two hours consoling our son. and letting them know, "Hey, your father loves you." He just has some unresolved issues from childhood. Now, she didn't say that, but that's what she was thinking. See, it wasn't fair that I was making my son deal with my own issues that I never worked through from childhood, and that was selfish. And again, there's no blame or guilt for any of you, any of us. We didn't know what to do, and we often feel helpless. And the truth is, I had just made a mess. Oftentimes, we as men put our wives in this situation, and it works both ways, where they have to clean up the mess, or then we bark out consequences we can't even keep. And then your kids and spouse will lose respect for you. And that's one thing that's really important to men, because they know you're just full of bluster, and you can't control yourself. So, I began working on myself, and I developed a different game plan that I began practicing. And that's if you ever go through our 30 days to call and program, this is where it all comes from. It was a game plan I put together, and what I tried to do for you is to prevent you from having to go through like two years of therapy and spend thousands of dollars, and I put it through in this program. And so, here's the thing. I knew I needed to deescalate before disciplining. Otherwise, it's just pouring fuel on the fire. So I'd focus on controlling myself first. And that's why sitting using a matter of fact tone is so powerful. Many people were taught to discipline right away, but does good discipline and problem-sever solving ever work when everyone is upset and frustrated? No. So, quick real life example. Let's say it worked that you heard that a potential client you pitched shows your competitor. Do you want your boss coming into your office and cubicle right then, drilling you with questions? Why don't you anticipate their objections better? If you would have been more prepared, you wouldn't have lost that sale. No, you need time to process your disappointment, and you're probably gonna beat yourself up anyway over losing the sale. Well, guess what? Our kids are doing the same thing in the moment when they mess up. In that moment, Kasey was thinking, why do I do these stupid things like, yellow, my mom, I'm getting trouble? Why can't I even call myself down? Kasey, that's the exact moment I used to pounce on him, and then wonder why we didn't have a good conversation. That's like your boss pouncing on you after every mistake. Instead, you want your boss patiently walking along side to teach you. Hey, I've been in this industry a long time. I know the ropes a little bit. Let me show you how to do it differently next time. See, you'd work hard for that kind of leader, and that's what your kids are looking for. A parent they can trust who comes along side and shows them a different way. One of the best ways to de-escalate and call them your kids is with movement, if I ever be saved, motion changes, emotion. So I began coming into the kitchen and saying to Kasey, hey, can tell you're frustrated, hey, when you're ready, meet me outside and we'll play catch. And I'm gonna go to the basement to play guitar, join me when you're ready. We'll learn that Zeppelin's song. And I'm gonna go dump some Legos on the floor in the living room. When you're ready, let's build a cool spaceship. See, sometimes you can't do that. So it might be, hey, I could really use your help. Could you get a jar of spaghetti sauce from the pantry and twist that top off for me? You're getting some movement. You're getting out of the same physical, mental, and emotional space where you are all upset. You are leading your child and inviting them to come do a specific activity. Not talk about their attitude, right? And you're inviting them to be with you rather than sending them to their room. You are giving them something they feel in control of and are good at. And you're together, not separated by anger or distance. You aren't there to punish them. Instead, you wanna help them make a different decision next time so they feel competent. Just sending a child to his or her room means you're sending your child away from you. I wanna draw my child to me so I can teach and impart wisdom to actually show them what to do with their frustration, anxiety, and disappointment. And if you're just gonna ask, hey, why did you do that? They'll become defensive and turn a lies anger, think they're stupid and lie to get out of your punishment. So I wanna teach and problem solve. And there's a phrase I began using that is incredibly powerful and it works like 99% of the time. I love the phrase, hey, when you're ready because it gives your child some ownership in autonomy rather than pressure. Because you know if you demand anything from a strong will child, they will resist. When you're ready, releases your child to do the right thing without you standing over them. This is especially important with kids with PDA. Been through this in greater detail on the PDA parent podcast. Check that out at celebrateconduct.com. It's really helpful. I noticed Casey would respond so much better to this little phrase. And it helped me release control and put it in his court. See, it allows your child to have a little control in the exact moment when they feel out of control. And this was a big discovery for me that most of our meltdowns happen when we sense a loss of control. That's why when I am upset, I like to organize a closet or drawer, stack firewood. There's a sense of symmetry there. It's very physical. I do some work in an Excel spreadsheet because every number has a place and it adds up perfectly. Cooking, right? Mixing ingredients and moving from this order to something complete and tangible. So one of my first steps isn't to try to calm the child down. It's to give them something they feel in control of. And that's why building with legos is so comforting. It's tangible. They can manipulate them with their hands. They're in control of what they're creating. I've used that example of like, oh man, I just remembered. We're gonna go fishing this weekend. Could you organize the fishing laws so we don't forget them Saturday morning? I have a nephew who loves organizing his match box cars and lining them up when he's feeling out of order. So look now rather than meeting my child to calm down or do what I asked with the child being in control and me being the reactive one, I am now leading my child to a calm place where they feel competent and in control of themselves. Before I was so flustered, I was caught up in my own anxiety and helplessness. I missed all the signals. And I remember that moment when it hit me on those steps in that townhome. I was essentially saying this to my son, I need you to behave in this moment so that I can behave. I need you to do exactly what I tell you to do because if you don't do that, I am going to lose it and you do not wanna see me angry. See, I was the needy one. I was asking a child to manage my emotions for me. I was asking my wife to control my emotions for me, for them to walk on eggshells because I couldn't control my own emotions. And that is devastating to your spouse and kids and ultimately to yourself. So when I began focusing all my energy on controlling my own emotions, watch the shift that happened. Now what I could communicate to my son was, hey, when your world is out of control, mind's not. I can handle any situation that you go through and I can actually help you. See, that's when Casey began trusting me and coming to me for help because he knew that he could trust me and that's what you're really after. It will help immensely through the teen years. When their world is nothing but drama and you can be that anchor, that one no drama person in their life that they can count on. And I can tell you, he's in his early 30s now. It is still incredibly helpful. So back to our scene. I've said, hey, when you're ready, let's build or create something color play catch, go get some tacos or a smoothie, whatever it is. I have invited my child to come be with me when he is ready. Sometimes I would just say, hey, I'm gonna go to the garage to organize a few things and it was a more subtle invitation. And oftentimes after a while, he would kind of slink into the garage and there was this awkwardness there first, like who's going to speak first? He just yelled at his mother and was expecting some deep serious talk or admonition from me. Instead, I wouldn't really look up. I just say, hey, could you help me move this? And we'd ease into it. And then I began talking, but there wasn't eye contact at first. Right? That's why I like riding in the car, sitting on the floor building with Legos. There's no eye contact, but we were together. And that together part is a huge key. I've mentioned it right. We'll say, like, go to your room. And there's nothing really wrong with that. But over time, it begins to send this message. When you do something I don't like, I can't handle it and send you away from me. And it kind of communicates, I only wanna be with you when you're behaving the right way. Many of us were treated that way as kids and it's caused problems in our relationships with abandonment, with not being able to handle conflict, so you just avoid it. It can warp your view of God. Always thought God was mad at me because my dad was always mad at me. And that can really mess up your life in tangible ways. So I wanna draw kids, I want them to be drawn to you. Now, some of you will have this question. Hey, I was kind of left on my own as a kid and felt abandoned. I feel like I need to be right there for my child, so they feel loved and cared for. But my child often gets mad at me when I do that. So isn't going to the garage, going to make your child feel like you don't care? That's an awesome question. So I'll let a kid answer this and then I'll add my own two cents. A mom emailed, "I let my strong willed son listen to some of the downloads this summer while building with Legos." He called me into the room and said, "Listen to this. This is what it feels like when you talk when I'm upset. It makes me angry. I just need some space, please." Now, I love when families use the programs or the podcasts as a bridge to help understand each other and have good conversations. So when I would go to the garage or car or outside, there was always an invitation. But there was also space because sometimes kids need space. Sometimes we as adults and spouses need some space to process before engaging. But when you get down and look kids in the eyes and start asking about their feelings, sometimes it's overbearing. It's too much. In some ways, I feel like it's disrespectful in that moment. It's more about, "Hey, I really need to deal with this right now." And the child's like, "No, I need a few moments." And that's why we always say parenting isn't really about kids. It's about us as parents. Now, these moments are beautiful, but often terrifying gift to you. Because now you're unwinding your childhood pain and learning to heal it through raising this child and doing it differently now than your parents did it. So now we're together and we're both calm and in a more rational state. Now, I can discipline, which means to teach, not punish. Here are two phrases I love. I'd say, "Hey, case, I know that you know yelling at your mom, hitting your sister, stealing, lying, whatever it is, is wrong." So I'm curious. What was going on that led you to get frustrated with your mother or hit your sister or steal her lie? See, that phrase, "Hey, I know you know that's wrong. It's way better than what were you thinking how many times have I told you?" Those phrases basically mean you're an idiot and you're in a lot of trouble. There's no way to answer them. Because your kids don't always know why they messed up, but they do know that they messed up. So, "Hey, I know you know that's wrong." That's very settling and takes away the defense of posture. Now, I love, I'm curious. Hey, I'm curious. That tone means I'm coming alongside of you to help you. I'm not standing over here against you to punish or shame you. I'm coming alongside you to give you wisdom and tools to handle this differently next time because I know it doesn't feel good to yell at your mother or lie or steal. So, there's no denying that he did something wrong, but the focus is on restoring the relationship and problem solving so it doesn't happen again. So, I remember one time Casey opened up and said, "Dad, school's so hard for me and sometimes I feel stupid after being there all day and I'm tired when I get home." And then when I get home, mom just asked how my day was and wants to look at the homework folder and I just lose it. And I remember flirting out good. And what I meant was it's so good and helpful to recognize your triggers and when you're overwhelmed. I love the self-awareness because then you can be assertive and honest and speak up for yourself and your needs. So, he said, "Well, that makes perfect sense to me and brother feel the same way." Kind of like I do after work. So, you validate what some intensity so you know they know you understand and have heard them. Now that we understand the root of the issue, not that he was being some malty-defined jerk who yells at his mother, well now we can problem solve. So, in this case, I just asked, "So, what do you think you should tell mom when you go inside?" There was no snotty tone or thread or shame or lecture. Just talking to him more like an adult with some respect. And he said, "Well, I need to apologize." And then maybe just tell her how I feel after school. And I was like, "Yeah, that's perfect." And then maybe we can come up with a code word or use a certain color when you get home so you can say whether you're on green, it was a good day, yellow or red. Like, I don't want to talk about school. I just need some downtime. And then we can develop a new afternoon routine that meets your needs. So, when we went back inside, I remember why life's saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize asking how your day was felt like more pressure to you. I just wanted to communicate that I care about you in your day." And Casey replied, "Mom, everyone knows you care. You do everything for me." So, you don't have to ask or try. And it's really interesting. When I just said that, I kind of felt that little crying thing come in, right? Like, that's a very deep, powerful moment. Like, I know you care. You do everything for me because mom's often are like, "Why really? Mom, you try too hard. Your kids know that you love them more than you can possibly." And they know that. And it was a really beautiful moment. And you can hear that. Like, in Casey, when I just said that, "You can hear that sweetness, that depth of heart that is inside your kids. You've seen it. But sometimes you're too busy masking or feeling defensive or misunderstood to let that out." So, watch what happens here. What began as a shouting match with the entire family in conflict ended in problem solving. We actually practiced a new afternoon routine. That afternoon, we didn't have a defiant, malty kid. We actually had an overwhelmed kid who didn't know how to speak up for himself. And you'll love this at dinner, Casey says, "Hey, Dad, maybe we can practice a new routine for you when you come home from work all stressed and get upset." And at first, I was like, indignant, typical guy thing like, "I don't come home like that." But then we worked on that. And it's like at least kids are like, it's like a dagger to the heart. They see through all your pretensions and lies. Because our kids are sharp like that. It was so true. I just had a guy email and he's like, "My big trigger is when my two kids will go ask my wife for help instead of asking me." But he said, "I realized they couldn't trust me not to get upset." But I related to your story. And I began working through the third day of the calm program on controlling my own emotions. And started having these great talks with my kids. It was a process, but one night at dinner, I tried being vulnerable. And I love one guy's email. They're like, "I tried being vulnerable." Because it doesn't come natural to us. Right? Now, it's not easy for old school guys like me. He said, he said, "I used your trigger board idea. That's in our new discipline that works program. I added that. It's a great idea." And I asked the kids, "Okay. So here is what triggers me. What can I begin doing differently?" And my strong-willed son didn't even look up from eating. He just blurted out. You forgot a couple of your triggers, Dad. And he said, "It sounded like something Casey would have said. So I tried not to show the steam coming out of my head." And we ended up having this great conversation about how to handle hard things in life. And the dad said, "It's like something switched that night. From me being the one who gets on my kids and disciplines them, to me being the one who helps them just navigate life, just by showing them by my example. Now, that, that is what we're after. So kudos to you, Dad, and all the moms and dads out there. What's your respect to all of you? So we're working so hard at this. If you do get the programs, go through the 30 days to call them in the discipline programs first. Remember, our Christmas and July July sale ends this week. Why? Because July ends. If you do help with that or anything else, just email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecom.com. We're a family who wants to help your family. Okay. Love you all. Thanks for letting me go a little bit long on this, but I think there are a lot of good insights. Okay. Bye-bye.