The Lie We Tell Our Kids About Fun

[Music] Welcome to another edition of the Inside Scoop. My name is Neil Crawford and I'm your host and also the founder of Anytime Soccer Training. The Inside Scoop and Anytime Soccer Training are in full swing. So if you haven't checked out a previous episode of the Inside Scoop, I hope that you would do so. And if you're not familiar with the Inside Scoop, it's a podcast dedicated to helping parents learn about the soccer pathways that would be available to their child if they live in another city around the world. Next week we're traveling to Paris and that was a wonderful interview and I'm sure you're going to learn a lot because I know I did about football in Paris. And if you're not familiar with Anytime Soccer Training, it's a website that will host over a thousand, one hundred percent follow along videos covering all the major areas of individual skill development. So as a parent, all you got to do is hit play and watch your child grow and develop develop. Now we've gotten quite a few people to use the product and I really appreciate that. And one point I want to make that I've been making to everybody is we price Anytime Soccer Training for less than a dinner for two. And the reason we do that is because I am a parent trainer. I know it's hard out there for parent trainers and I don't want to create anything that provides a substantial barrier to entry. So Anytime Soccer Training program should be one of many tools that you use to supplement your child and meet them where they are at. Some children will respond well to different programs, some children will respond well to other programs, some children will respond better to people in person. I want you to have all of those resources at your disposal. And so that's part of our mission and that's part of how we have set the program up to give you thousands and thousands of hours of content for less than a dinner for two. So again, if you haven't checked out Anytime Soccer Training please go to anytime-socket.com. Join the mailing list and we'll see you some free videos and other information that's relevant to you. Now on to the show. Now this is probably going to be one of the more controversial shows, even though it's not particularly controversial to me. But it is, can be, and many folks will find this, what I'm going to say in this show, controversial. So I'm going to tee it up with just some food for thought, some information of throwing out there for public consumption so that when we get our experts on they can kind of tell me where where I may be misguided. And then I'll end the show with a quick tip. Okay. So I try to be an open book in this podcast. I am a self-proclaimed parent trainer. I believe in the benefit of deliberate practice. I believe it can benefit me in my life. I believe it can benefit me in my children's life. And I think those who are listening to that agree. And the challenge we've always talked about is how do we instill these values in our children without doing more harm than good? All right. And so within that context, when you start telling folks that you work with your children and you do, you have set routines and you do this and you do that. One of the most common responses is that there are two common responses actually. One is, no, no, no. You as a parent don't get involved in anything dealing with soccer with your child. You just need to play with them and just support them. So that's one common response. And I find actually that when people have that response, they think in many cases you're talking about the games or you're talking about getting involved or interacting or interfering with the coaching stuff. And then you know, you clarify, no, you really just talk about it at home. But then there are still some people who say, nope, even if it's at home, you should just not do anything. So that's one group of people. And then there's another big broad group of people who say, it's fine if you want to go down that road. You can, you know, in your child will benefit from it as long as it's fun for them. And as long as they're asking you to do it, you should not engage in any form of formal training of your child or any deliberate practice with your child if it's not fun. Now, I consume a lot of information on social media as regards to youth soccer and I read a lot and listen to experts a lot in regards to youth soccer. And I think some of this advice may fall short, not because of their intentions, but because of two main reasons. Number one, they don't allow us, or they don't provide the information in a way that allows us to reconcile some basic assumptions that I'm going to share. And then they don't give us the details on what that actually looks like on the ground. And so it's part of this podcast for me anyways, is to be an open book with you guys, use my, you know, almost like lay out, lay out there, you know, just jump on the grenade so that other parent trainers out here who are grappling with these issues, hopefully we can have conversations with coaches and trainers and, you know, mental specialists to kind of give us some detailed advice based on detailed information. Okay. So what do I mean by reconciling what their advice with some basic sort of assumptions? Well, I have a couple of assumptions that may or may, I believe are true, but again, you may or may not be and that's the feedback I want to get. The first assumption I'm making is to be really good at something, to really master something. I don't care what it is. In this case, we're talking about you soccer. So let's just say master the ball, right? I'm going to be really be good at it. The process of developing the skills to master the ball will not be 100% fun 100% of the time regardless of whether you of who is giving you the guidance. So you could be doing it by yourself. You could be doing it with a parent. You could be doing it with a trainer. You could be doing it with a friend or you could be doing it with a coach. You get our relatives. It doesn't matter for you to develop and acquire the skill needed to master the ball. That process is not ever going to be 100% fun 100% of the time. So that's one assumption. The next assumption is that I believe is to master something with a degree of precision and there are some exceptions where you just have the equivalent of a mosaure out there. So in this case it would be like a Ronaldinho or something. But in general, it requires repetitions and some level of deliberate practice. I want to get better at a jump shot. I go out there and I shoot 50 jump shots. I want to get better at playing the violin. I go out every day and I'm not every day but I go out and regularly practice my scales or practice the violin. I want to learn a language. I go out and I routinely learn vocabulary. I train myself. I learn a language as an adult by the way. So those are some of the assumptions. So when you say it should always be fun, the first thing in my mind is that's impossible in order to master something. I'm literally saying it's impossible. I never ever heard anybody say yes, I reached my full potential in this and the entire journey was fun. I just never heard it. And it doesn't matter who is delivering the instruction. So it doesn't matter. So if you're a parent trainer and you're trying to come up with a way to support your child to improve them in certain skills, it's a fool's air in my opinion to try to come up with a methodology out there that's 100% fun 100% of time. But I could be completely wrong. Maybe there is a methodology out there that's 100% fun, 100% of time. I'll be honest with you, I would take the high 80s. If you, if you're listening to his podcast and you've come out with come up with a system where it's one child, not a group, but not we playing with our friends, not I got to know you in that child or out there in that field and there are practicing rudimentary skills to master something and you have figured it out. Please email me Neil at anytime that's soccer.com and let me know what that methodology is because I can tell you. They're music teachers, they're college professionals, professors, professors, excuse me. They're language art teachers, they're folks in the military, they're boxing trainers, they're math teachers. There are so many people in the world who would love to speak to you if you figure out a way to help a child master a skill in a way that's 100% fun, 100% of the time. Okay, so that's my soapbox on that. So then you have to take a step back and say, "Well, how are we defining fun?" 'Cause I think that's a lot of times on different venues and different conversations I have with folks. There's a miss interpretation or we're defining things differently. So I want to make sure we, at least for the purposes of this show, we define fun the same way. And I actually just did a Google search on the definition of fun and you may have your own definition, but this is what came up and I think it's pretty indicative of the way we think about fun. So they say enjoyment, amusement, or light-hearted pleasure. Now, the way I think about that definition is fun has some components to it. And to truly have complete fun, you need all three of those. You at least need two of those components. You definitely need some enjoyment or a level enjoyment and you need light-hearted pleasure. Okay? And so, I think that's the most important thing to do. So, I think that's the most important thing to do. Light-hearted pleasure, okay? And I just don't think you can replicate that in the context of deliberate practice. And I don't think you can master a skill outside of the context of deliberate practice. Or I don't think you can master a skill and ensure 100% of time that there's enjoyment, amusement, and light-hearted pleasure. So then the question becomes, well, why in the world would a parent trainer do something with their child that's not 100% fun to them? I mean, why would you even engage in an activity? Because if that activity does not result in enjoyment, amusement, and light-hearted pleasure. Well, I mean, that's a good question. It's something I struggle with myself. So, I'll say two things about that. Number one, when I wake up in the morning and I think about the activities I want my children to engage in, or I get up and I think about planning the weekend for my boys. 90% of the things that go through my head on what to do with them fit into the category of 100% fun. I coach my son's flag football team for I-9, and if you're familiar with I-9, you kind of know the deal there. Yeah, we got to learn a few plays, but it's really just fun. I work with, I coach this basketball team, and again, it's just fun. It's just a wreck program, right? And then they do the little Xbox, and we go on trips, and we visit our cousins. The stuff that normal families do. And I can assure you that, you know, I actually joke a lot to joke with my buddy saying that almost every day of my children's life would have felt like Christmas Eve to my brothers and I, because it's modern parents. We spend a great deal of time thinking about, you know, ensuring that our child children reach or receive a maximum level of enjoyment. And actually, as a matter of fact, there are only two things I do with my children regularly, where fun is not the number one focus all the time. One is academics, and the other is soccer. But, and this is a big but, it's not soccer specifically. We're using soccer as the vehicle to teach some other life lessons that you can only get through the process of mastery. But really, it can be anything. And, you know, my son, my older one especially is actually old enough to know that he can choose what he wants that to be. And so the way I describe it to them, and the way I position it to them is, you know, dad will support you, and you can play, and you can do whatever you want. But if we're going to go into this competitive route where we're out there four or five days a week, then these are some of the other things that we need to get out of the game. But, you know, if you, if there's something else that you prefer to do, if you want to do that with basketball, you want to do that with music, you want to do that with Taquindo. I'm here to support you, and I'm going to, you know, I'll sign you up for these things and you can test it out. Is there some parental pressure because I happen to enjoy soccer? Of course. But my dad was a baseball coach, I enjoy baseball. So it's always going to be something there, right? But I try my best to make it make him understand that, you know, the day he doesn't want to do soccer at this level, I'm totally cool with that. But in no way am I perfect, and then again, it's always going to be that parental pressure there, and you're just trying to mitigate that situation as much as you can. So if we're not trying to get 100% fun out of soccer as the parent trainer, then what are we actually doing? Well, I have effectively said there are three things that I'm looking at. A sense of accomplishment, fulfillment, and enjoyment. And the enjoyment piece is, I want to harp on that to say that within our training sessions, I'm actually going to write an ebook about that about this. There are things that I do to make the session more enjoyable for my kids. But they will, it is nothing I can do other than just free play that this going to result in them describing it as fun. I just don't want any parent trainer out there thinking that that is a realistic goal because it's just not. And I want to help us bond on this intellectual level to say, not only is that not a goal, that's bad advice, right? Because you can't get good at anything in a 100% fun way. It's just never going to have no one's ever done that. And if they have, then again, you know, introduce them to me because I could be totally wrong. Now, the way I explain it to my boys is when my older one, my younger one is a little too young to understand this. The sense of accomplishment, the fulfillment, and the enjoyment that you receive by playing the games and excelling at your sport, and being the key contributor on the team, and getting to high acculate from the coach, and all that other rar, rar, rar stuff, and then have the parents who just drive and buy, be like, oh my god, you're amazing and have the referee asking you, how old are you? All that stuff that the other parents and the other referees and the coaches and all that stuff you do, that has to outweigh that reward has to outweigh the work that you do with me in the work that you do on your own when no one's watching. And the moment it doesn't, then we need to find something else that gives you that sort of fulfillment. And if you've listened to previous podcast, you remember I used the music example. I mean, my son, he could become first chair and the concert, but he doesn't care about that. So the level of practice that will be required to become first chair will have no. But now he would not feel fulfilled. He wouldn't enjoy it. So we don't go there. But in soccer, he wants to be the kid that takes the final shot. He enjoys being the one that everybody looks to for leadership. He enjoys drumming past three or four kids. He enjoys that. And it's not an arrogant way. It's just that, you know, too much to the work. If you put in the work, then you get some rewards. And so because of that, I'm able to communicate to him that those rewards that you're receiving are because you're putting in this work. Which brings me to another topic that I won't really get into details on this podcast. We'll explore another podcast. But at 10, he's only now beginning to slowly recognize the relationship between working individually and what happens on the game in the games or practice or whatever or his overall skill level. My younger one and when my older one was the age of my younger one, he can't even comprehend that. So you're asking him to do something. So for example, yesterday we worked on juggling. And he I can't even get adults to understand the importance of every. in a you soccer context and skill development in soccer games. It's impossible for me to get my six-year-old or seven-year-old to understand why developing aerial control, why becoming too footed, why is that going to help him later on in life? Not only is he not having fun in a traditional sense because he has to kick this ball 20 times in the air, which is not what he wants to do. But he can't even understand the fulfillment aspect of it because he hasn't even experienced it yet because he doesn't even play for organized team. So to this suggest that the only way you should work with a child as a parent trainer is if they come and ask you to, or if there's a way to make it fun, I don't even know what to do with that information. Why in the world would a six-year-old come and ask me that? Do you mind taking me out there and training me on Saturday because there's some imaginary gains that I'm thinking about that I'm going to be really good at, or some imaginary outcome that I can't really comprehend that I'm going to be good at five years from now. That their minds don't work that way. Now some people are going to say, well, no, you can train your kid and I'm going to kind of harp on this again. You can train your kid and it can be fun to them. You just need to know the methodologies to do so. There's things I do and this is what they tell you. There are things I do that make it always fun for my child. And again, you know, what happens with these conversations is there's no, they don't present the details and the details really, really matter. And I can only use myself and my children is the test case. It's an open book to say, this is a metric that you, I'm going to provide to you. So that you can apply that to your children and your family. And then we can have a honest dialogue. And it makes me sound vulnerable in the sense that either I'm sound arrogant, right? Or vulnerable in the sense that maybe it's not a lot. Or vulnerable in the sense that, you know, some people will say, well, you're overemphasizing one thing or another. But the only way that you and I can have a real conversation about the benefit of deliberate practice is if we talk about numbers, we talk about outcomes, we talk about results. And what I'm going to do on this show is a matter of fact is I'm an inviting parents of older children who have been through this process. And I want to hear from them sort of what did they do as a child? Because when their children were young, because there could be a perspective out there that says, this is something that a parent trainer is meeting anyways. I always think about maybe no, we didn't do anything. And it just magically, and I don't mean that in a condescending way, but I mean it more like we didn't do anything. And then we just dropped our kid off and then, you know, and we picked them up. And then we didn't think about soccer and they never touched the ball outside of the games and then our practice. And then they were just amazing. And then a coach came to us and said, oh, he or she is really, really talented. And I want to put them on this top team. And then they were always the best. And finally, they got some big scholarship or they went professional. And that was sort of how it happened. And I hear parents of older kids say that. But when I look into their stories, what they're saying publicly and then when you start reading between the lines with their stories, I'm not going to drop any names. Doesn't really commute. And what I mean by that is they'll say something. I call that the Disney, the Disney movie version of, you know, how they raise their children. And then you look at their stories and you read the sacrifices they made for that child and you'll say, man, so you telling me you, you, you would drive two hours to practice or you would live in another country or move to another country or you quit your job and travel all the way across here. So your child has this opportunity or you created these leagues solely so your child could get more playing time. But at the same time, you never worked with them at home unless it was 100% fun. And that's possible. And that's kind of what I want to really unpack. Now, in conclusion before we get to the tip, as a parent trainer, in no way, shape a form, and I saying, oh, you need to do these things at home to ensure certain outcomes. I think that's also a fool's errand because it doesn't work that way. What I am saying is I don't hear people who have received these outcomes coming back saying to me, I got the outcomes that many people associate with success. And I did it in a way that was 100% fun for my child, 100% of the time. The only advice I hear is it needs to be 100% fun 100% of time and they don't get an out-tell you the outcomes that they're basing on or the case studies. Or the other example is their case studies out here where people say, yeah, we were on the grind all the time and we weren't really hard. And then their case studies where what they're saying doesn't really compute with the actions that are on public record. So I don't want to go too much into weeds there, but I'm really kind of rambling on to say, in summary, you know, I just don't think mastering anything, whether it be soccer or anything else you choose, will be 100% fun 100% of the time. I think the goal standard and the goal that we should pursue in working with our children in a positive, not negative way is for them to reach a level of accomplishment, reach a level of fulfillment, and enjoy the overall process. And you can do that by infusing enjoyment, but more importantly, you can do that as a parent trainer by remaining patient, by not yelling, by keeping the routines transparent, keeping your instructions measurable, you know, not asking them to do stuff too hard for their skill level. That's to me the one of the main ways you make the process enjoyable, but I will publish an ebook that kind of talks about 20 to 40 things that I do to infuse enjoyment into a rather mundane training session. Okay, so now that I've given that so box, I am going to tell you one of the most anti, well, you may think is one of the most anti fun tips out there. I think before I even gave this tip, and I know there's a safe space, but before I even wanted to give this tip, I wanted to explain to you, you know, how I felt about fun, because if I didn't, you really would think I was crazy. All right, so before I give the tip, there's one more thing in why details matter to me, and why details are so important. So I was reading an article years ago, I think when Obama, former president Obama was running for an election or something, and they interviewed him about his childhood, and he said something to the effect of he loved his mom, but one of the things he didn't like was she had a job that forced her to be at work like really early, and he was living with his grandparents in her, but she was, and she had to work, be at work really early, and she wasn't going to be at home much. So one of the things that she forced him to do as a child is wake up, and I want to say five in the morning, but it was something crazy like that, and read, and that was her way of just spending some early morning time with him, and also getting him to read because she felt that was important, and he was just kind of saying how he didn't like that, but doesn't know he appreciated that. And that's why details matter to me, because you know, when I heard that I said to myself, well, no, I don't even get up at five in the morning, so the last thing I'm going to do is wake my children up that early, but what if I got them to read 15 minutes or 20 minutes before school? Because I know, because remember they're in all this soccer stuff, so I did it again another calculation, I said if they could read 15 minutes before school, and the way I do it is, one of them reads 15 minutes before school on Monday, the other one reads on Monday and Wednesday, the other one does it on Tuesday and Thursday. If they can do that, that's another 30 minutes a week, and then if you start doing a math in the school year, it amounts to 30 minutes. hours and hours and hours and hours of you know reading and they're already up so it just really means just kind of doing stuff a little bit faster so that you have that 15 minutes and not only are you are not only are they reading the 15 minutes the other one is listening to the other one read for 15 minutes which has some benefit I don't know I don't know how much but it's better than nothing so when I heard that detail I was like well I can do a modified version of that detail and that's that's what I want you guys to get from this you may not be as crazy as I am or you may be crazier but when I tell you these tips in detail about what we do in a safe environment you can apply some of this to your to your life so then what happened was again one would read on Monday and Wednesday the other one read on Tuesday and Thursday and we used to do that whilst in the place I used to live we used to do that while sitting in the car waiting on the bus and that's how it worked so we rush get to the bus stop 15 minutes early so that one of them could read but then I started thinking you know what if and this especially when my this was especially when my older my younger one was not going to school so he was too young so I was really doing it with my older one I said well what if I did a five or ten minute juggling session with my older one on the days he's not reading so on Tuesday and Thursday again we would get to the bus stop a little early and we'd go to the side so the other kids wouldn't think he was completely crazy and we would do a 15 minute juggling session while we waited on the ball and we would do and again I use an interval timer so it would be 20 seconds on take seconds off so the first 20 seconds right foot only second 20 seconds left foot only next 20 seconds both feet and then the next 20 seconds right thigh left thigh both thighs and we kind of work it that way and again it adds up to hours and hours and hours of I guess training in a very seamless way and it just required us to have the discipline to get to the bus stop 15 minutes earlier which they tell you to get their 15 minutes early anyways 15 minutes earlier than normal and so and he was young enough where you know he wasn't too bothered about the other kids I don't know how to work in high school and so we were able just to go to the side away from everyone do it really quickly and then get on the bus now fast forward to today and I do the exact same thing with the reading but on their soccer days I've turned it into about a 20 minute to 30 minute session I happen to use the anytime soccer training videos I did not use the anytime soccer training videos before because they didn't exist so by all means you don't have to use that but I but I do recommend just like I said in the previous tip about before the game I do recommend that you you that you create a routine is not a time to learn is just about them getting those extra touches in in a way that is seamless to some of you this may sound crazy and I've heard all the excuses but to some of you you're listening like wow okay that's a great idea because you know I can get up 15 minutes earlier I'm not talking to a 15 minutes earlier and we can knock it out and it's not that big of a deal and by the way you don't have to do 15 minutes you can do five minutes it doesn't matter and the reason I'm able to extend it longer now is because I happen to live really close to our school and our bail schedule our school doesn't start until 915 you can't even drop them off until 9 so we have a little bit more flexibility there to do something a little bit longer and I gotta tell you two more things on the couple more things on this I got that idea from what I read it I told you about a broker bomb is in his mom and reading before school and then I listened to a lot of podcast about Academy soccer around the world and it's not uncommon for youth players around the world to have some relationship with the well the Academy to have some relationship with the school where they may do a little training in the morning before school so it's not it's not completely crazy and then I grew up on a farm right so the notion of doing something early in the morning that's not a foreign concept to me I grew up on a farm so we would have to do all this stuff dealing with cows and chickens and eggs and all this kind of stuff before school anyway so that wasn't a crazy thing to me and I grew up in the country and if you grew up in the country you know that the bus routes are really long so we had to be up some crazy time in the morning anyways so all that stuff kind of came together with this now in terms of the result it's a complete game-changer it's really a game-changer so my oldest one born in 2010 and so he is 10 years old now I mean he can juggle nearly 3,000 times and I don't tell very I haven't told very many people about this because I don't think they don't seem very interested in sort of the details of what I do but there are a few people and hopefully listen to this podcast that are saying yeah that's a great way to get those touches in and his juggling ability skyrocketed and that and because his juggling ability yet so good so quickly that's why I added additional stuff so in effect if you think it in terms of anytime stock of training videos we do two videos in the morning and you know what I describe that is fun no no no but are they kicking and screaming no it's just part of the routine as a matter of fact I try my best even though I'm putting on a few pounds I try my best to leave by example so I go to the gym before them I do my workout and then I come home and then we go and then I get them ready to go to school to do this kind of thing so no do they find it fun absolutely not but in preparing for this podcast and I try to ask the question in a unbiased way but it's impossible to do so without leading my son on I asked my 10-year-old sort of you know what is the thing that he doesn't like the most about training with me right and of course he's not gonna tell he's not gonna say that when you lose your temper even though he will tell me that sometimes like you don't need to do this so you don't need to that but his feedback was actually it's the afternoon sessions and I was like why he's like because when you do it in the afternoon you already settled in you I'm talking to my friends on fortnight and then you asked me to stop doing that and then I got to go out and do a session I prefer to do it in the morning and I was like good thank you son that's exactly what I want to hear he's not saying it's fun to do it in the morning he's saying he prefers to do it in the morning to get it out of the way would he prefer not to do anything of course and so that's again a little rambling hopefully I'm building a relationship with you guys where you understand that I'm I'm coming from the heart and I'm trying to be open and transparent with you about exactly what I do right is one parent I want you guys to be transparent with me about what you do and the struggles you have and many of you are doing this on the Facebook group and I'm gonna big coaches to come on here and be transparent with us about what they end club directors about what they recommend and I'm gonna beg them to reconcile what they recommend with the timeless knowledge out there that you have to work hard to achieve any degree of success in something so you got to how do you reconcile it now their reconciliation and I'll leave you guys with this maybe no the entire category of sports should just be recreational and I'm fine with that because again I saw my son up for all these recreational programs and stuff and I am fine if that's your view that no sport in general should just be a recreational vocation it should just be a recreational activity no different than walking around in the park and I actually struggle with that to say me and am I introducing sport to my sons in a way that's too competitive but then again to you know us soccer or whoever's listening so then my question will become well yeah all right but why then is it can why is it called competitive why is it called elite why do you allow this environment to exist if you truly believe that it should just be a recreational thing that's 100% fun what are we as parents to make of this and so I'll leave you sort of with my own musings and what I'm trying to figure out in real time and I'm not saying I have all the answers and I'm definitely definitely not saying that you should spring this on your child if that's where you guys are not if you're not there as a family if you're not don't spring something like this on your child and if you do say we're gonna do some early routines let me take one more step back with my younger one his routine started off with you know two minutes you give me two minutes in the morning because I was teaching him the routine not necessarily soccer now it's an auto pilot they don't think anything of it it's just a routine so guys I hope you found this tip helpful I look forward to discussing this on the Facebook group and you know I got my sealed shield and sword up for all the darts that have probably come my way and you know I just have to deal with it and I hope you found my transparency helpful and I want to hear what your tips are and I definitely want to hear what you do to make things fun and if you have a child who is begging you to come train and you're telling me it's because of something that you do or something that you do in order to make that happen then please share that information with me and let me know how long the training session is and I know what you guys are doing that way we can kind of process it a little bit better and have a more fruitful conversation so this is Neil Crawford with Anytime Soccer Training if you haven't checked out anytime soccer dash or anytime dash soccer dot com I encourage you to do so and you can get access to over 1,000 100% free follow on all videos. Let's get better together.