The Inventions Episode

Shout out Connie for the beat And shout out every Lil Dicky fan Every real Lil Dicky fan I love you Mad at me, I never sweat it They don't know the strategy I never get into it But the battery is really fully charged When it's them or me I love flattery Oh, you'd rather it me It's been a while, yeah I got the mileage, yeah Tell me who doubted us Sitting around waiting But nobody calling my bluff Damn Don't get checked, I'm saying All this tech, I'm saying That's your best one, maybe Y'all should prep or plan I've been chefing crazy I'm the best, damn Who, me? I'm a geek with a beat This whole free, like my freak Tongue in sheet, let me be Letter coming, I'm a D Y'all are Z's Tell me about them, they weak Tell me about what you need If it's the mystique that you gotta see Then I'm getting blue Rebecca Romijn I'm so silly, huh? Hit my Millie rock That Lil Dicky, Bob Clambate Y'all cook On some Gwen Stefani I'll leave, no doubt Don't speak Bro, you know it's all in the bank I got a lil' check coming in Like every single week Goddamn, 175,000 Wake up, Walt Disney About my shit, dawg We ain't gotta talk about Selling albums, naw But the overall deal Couldn't overall heal my shit I gotta come clown him Go ahead Go ahead Doubt him Who's real and who bout it? Coming back, I'm not a running back I'm never cutting back I'm taking everything I got a wedding ring A lot of friends and family But I tell them Ain't no disrespect But I'm the only specimen I got a regimen I got them sweating Like it's Jimmy on the track Let me jog your shit It's coming back Make them run it back Ugh, they gon' play this shit back They will play it back They will show my highlight real When I am done, in fact I will show you all my skills And how I wanted that Yeah, I just do it all Cause I got talent like that I've been really out here Fuckin' on this beat from the back Doggy style Gun them down Cock it back Full clip Well, I hate guns, actually But I'm trying to go at them like I'm trying to get though off the plop I'm trying to get though off the dome No, I got unlimited flows in the bag I'm trying to pull up to the hotel Why is the bellhop looking like that? You know I gotta keep it low Pro Mike Porter's brother with the bags But I ain't going out the sad way They really wanna get it We can rap No, they'll never do that Sub-10 guys doing this Damn I'm generous It's probably five guys Like my lunch plan But I ain't going out the sad way Heat it like damn Fuck with the goat And I'm playing W, ref W, bar W, my girl Holler when I'm all in it Even though it's little I don't fall out Gotta slide in it Hands full, plate full I ain't really nothing to call out I never even sold out And when I got it Store's going all out What are you talking about? Going nutty like a ball out You know a ball out I got folks bugging Shit buzzing You know I'm on Money's stretching to the heavens Clay Davis, my shit long She Really saving all the money Even though I'm rich Rest in peace to homie Kwan Gotta live it up for everyone Until I'm out Until I'm gone When they will play this shit back They will play it back They will show my highlight real When I am done in fact I will show you all my skills And how I wanted that Good, it's the type of shit They can play it in a layup line It's the type of shit They can play it in a Bam, bam, holiday New Lil Dicky dropped today Son, I'm calling Papa Dave Coming off the top to pay Court issues Alright I'm done Do you think we could invent something? Let's give it a shot Machine wipes the ass from so far away A pill that restarts your brain Press a button and everything was good in the world We're not gonna do that We're not like God Are they using some sort of mirror? How does a mirror work? Capitalism Nobody can explain it Everything that exists was invented Play-Doh LSD Parachute Ooh What do you think the best invention is? The invention I'm talking about is We're all so stupid Long day, long day It was a long day A long week's work A long, long Slag of a week Thank you Ugh Ah Ah It got stuck in my tooth You know I broke my permanent retainer Who invented The dental floss Toothpick Hairy selling cats Why? It usually happens by happenstance Inventions? Yeah, like No, they don't I guarantee you this man, whoever you just said Has been working on a toothpick Or is like a dentist or something And he's like, I need this tool to figure this out Or they're trying to invent something And then something else happens It's like Hold on Hold it now Hit it Didn't I just sound like it? Hold it now I don't know what you're quoting Hold it now Hit it Holy shit, where'd you find that one? No Hold it now Wait, hold on So Who invented The dental floss toothpick? The dental dam You know what a dental dam is? Isn't that what we just Oh no, it's like a Okay A pad Like a pad Like a clear It's like a piece of wax paper that goes over the pussy Hairy You don't even know what it is What is a dental dam? Or no, no It's a thing you put in your mouth No, no, I think it What's a dental dam? To then give head A dent What? A dental dam is A dental dam is the The Thing you put in your throat No, it's the It's a female condom The old fashioned condom Oh yeah, yeah Is a dental dam I say it all the time When we have sex with a condom Every time after we have sex with a condom I always I'm sure the condom broke Like I'm just I can't believe it just like What, from your big huge No, just like It's just like an active Like it goes through so much Who invented the condom? And then every time I look at it And it didn't break And I think I always say like What an incredible Don't I always talk about the condom Or you're just In a different zone Post sex I do I do it often Wow, guys When we use condoms Guys Charles Goodyear invented The condom Goodyear? Like the blimp? Yeah Yeah Maybe it's the same plastic We got realized Is that we are the prime candidates For dental dams We've been having sex With condoms recently Because No, wait, hold on Dave, it's not a dental dam I can't think of the word We should ask your mom Text your mom She'll know It's like what used to be A female condom No, it's not But it's like I can't think of it Wax paper Pressed Or cellophane There's a condom That like our parents Are familiar with That was for women I think Yeah, and it was huge It was like this big An old yeller Yeah Old yeller My mom said it's called A diaphragm Diaphragm, yes Oh Okay Not a dental dam Okay, we just Is a dental dam What I was saying Where you put it Down your throat So you can come And not swallow it? It reduces A dental dam Is a thin sheet of latex You can use to reduce I was saying that Risk of spreading Sexually transmitted diseases During oral sex Yeah, it's like you lick The cellophane Or something Really? I think See? You can't really No, you can't A dental dam Acts like a barrier Between your mouth And your partner's Genitals or anus Well, and they use They make flavored condoms Do you think we could Invent something like I do have two good ideas What are your ideas? Do you have ideas For inventions? I've had one idea Contact lenses That are sunglasses So you don't have to squint You don't have to If you run If you play sports You cannot You cannot change the subject It's a great idea No, I just Was with someone Literally this weekend Gunned Or has contact lenses That are blue light Protected He does Which makes me He said that Which makes me think That invention Might already be invented Yeah, but I had this invention In 2007 But you didn't act on it They're UV protect Isn't that crazy? You ever see the things Where the The phone On the back Has little spots For the credit card A wallet? Yeah But it's a phone case That you can put The credit card in Yeah My buddy invented that Who? Mark He just didn't act on it But he What other things Okay, here's my other one In college And I didn't want to take the bus And it would be snowing And you had to get to class It'd be really, really cold And people sometimes Would carry umbrellas To like keep all the snow From falling on them And then like getting them drenched And I thought What if there's an umbrella That at the top of the umbrella There's a heat lamp When you put the umbrella up You just can like Pull down the plastic So you're kind of Fully enclosed In a heated umbrella Plastic thing To keep you from the cold They could play music too Oh my god I really think We could come up with something Let's give it a shot I've never had I've really never been Inventive, I guess The way you come up With something Is you kind of have to think What is missing in life? Okay, so like Everyone go around The machine wipes the ass From so far away That's a bidet What? No, like What do you mean Wipes your ass From so far away? Like you want to be Standing out here In a machine I guess I'm thinking You want like In a bar? I guess I'm thinking That I have I swear to god My butt is itchy right now And I want to wipe my butt And in that moment The first thought I had Was that it'd be nice If there was a thing That could wipe it from afar What about underpants That just wipe your butt? Ah Little windshield wipers Yeah, but then There's like poop Okay I don't like the underpants What's something Really What's something That you wish existed? Ooh A pillow A pill? that restarts your brain. What? What do you mean? Like, from birth? No, just like, you're having a bad day. I'm having a bad day. You're having a bad day, and you're like, life is too fucking short to waste this day. So you take this pill, and then all of a sudden, you can only go back to when you woke up. So, like, you can't go back too far in life because we can't trust people. Yeah, but we're not like God. Yeah, that's too hard of an invention. How are you going to invent that? I'm trying to come up with, like, a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat or something. I thought you were going to say that technology could, like, you could have, like, some chemical balance level that's, like, measurable that you could designate as your baseline, the same way in our home, where we have, like. We don't know how to do this stuff. Well, we don't know how to do anything. So, yeah, I'm sorry. If you're going to limit our inventions to only things that we can create soup to nuts, I'm not playing this game with you. Soup to nuts. I think our best side of. What? I'm going to pee real quick. But the door's open, so I'm still involved. I just. Oh, I have one. Okay. A faster airplane. Okay, one thing that I really don't understand, this is a for-real thing, and I'm totally down to invest money into this. How do airplanes, or the people on the airplanes, like, why doesn't the airplane have a giant, like, parachute? So when it's crashing, it just, like. Like, how is there not. How have they not invented, like, an alternate thing that can happen? Right, like, when the plane's crashing, it's just like, ah, fuck it. Like, how is there not, like, either, like, each person. There are little, I believe, inflatables at the bottom of the thing for, like, landing in, like, the ocean, perhaps. I'm not talking about your. No, I've seen, like, little, like, AI things where it, like, shows, like, under the plane, like, these big, um. Why is there not just, like, classic parachutes attached to the top? Classic parachutes. Why doesn't the Titanic have enough lifeboats? It's a money thing. It's capitalism. You think it's. It's only money-related? I think it costs a lot of money to invent stuff, and a lot of stuff gets invented by, like, accident, and our life is so. I don't think that's true about this accident. I don't think. I have no idea what I'm talking about, but my instincts. Well, Coke. I got some great things that were invented by accident. You want to hear? I do, but for the record, everything that exists was invented, so this is a drop in the ocean as far as, like, the ratio of inventions by accident versus. Yeah, but it's cool that there's a few. There's a lot. I don't know. It depends on. I don't know what your side of the argument you were on. Anesthesia. That's nice. Play-Doh. Wait. Like Play-Doh, like Play-Doh. LSD. Oh. Coca-Cola. No, how could it be? I said that. We'll dig into it in a second. I said Coca-Cola. You know Coca-Cola had Coke. Oh, right. It didn't have cocaine. Viagra. I knew that one. Lucky man. Slinky. How is the slinky. Slinky invented by accident? Well, we'll decide which one we want to know about. Did you see there's some good slinky internet content these days? Silly putty. You've been talking about putty all for weeks. Potato chips. That's just a food. It was by accident. Sticky notes. No, I thought that. Sticky notes was an accident. Wow. This would make a movie about things. I thought sticky notes weren't an accident. The guys would be, like, in the thing and just go like this and go. Best. Wait, let's think about what the voids in the marketplace. Okay, what? The money could be huge. I think the voids are in the mental health space. Boring. That's, like, too complicated. What if there. Isn't there something so simple? Wait, why do you have so much. You have, like, the lighting on your face right now is insane. You know what I find insane? The microphone. You want to make a new microphone? The microphone isn't. There's a lot. No, but I just don't get it. I mean, I do get it. No, a microphone seems like one that I can totally get. I agree. I kind of wrap my head around it. Yeah. What about live broadcast television? Yeah, I have no clue. Like, I don't. How are they creating. How are they creating the image? Are they using some sort of mirror that then they take a picture of the mirror? It's called a lens. The lens is the mirror? A lens is, like, it takes an image and then it, like, doesn't it reflect. We shouldn't go into this. It kind of ends. And then how does it move? How do they do slow-mo? How do they. I don't know. Well, radio waves. The microwave was an accident. I guarantee it. It is. I just saw that on the list. Radio waves. Radio waves are really insane. But I just don't even understand. Just even the concept of, for example, a picture. A mirror, I think, is like. Glass. When I look at water in the ocean, you can, like, be like, oh, a mirror can just happen. But, like, how do you take a picture? A lens. A lens. But how does the picture. Yeah, how do you take a picture? Tell me how you take a picture. It's like. It's like a Jewish bar mitzvah, like. Hey, check this out, Mochi. I don't know how it works digitally, but I do think, print-wise, it was like a lens that took the reflection and then it, like, printed it on film that then got, like, then when you put it in that stuff in the dark room, it presented itself. But how did they even print it? How did they even come up with the liquid that you put it in? And then, because TV, when you figure that out, TV is just like. Just, like, running the images at a rate. TV's radios. But how does a little TV have all the stuff? That's not what I mean. A little TV? All the wiring? Chuck, how does it. How can I recall a movie and it plays the movie? I know. Like, I can't imagine someone in 1700, like, sitting in front of a TV and being. All I know it has a lot to do with zeros and ones. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It does. That's computers. Well, that's. This is before computers. So far before computers. Well, it's all computing. It's computing. Then it's re. It's entered. It's, uh. I think it's all computing. We're all so stupid. None of us know. No, but TV's hard because I had to learn about it in school and it's, like, interlaced, like, there's, like, a signal and it's very confusing to me, but it's, like, it. I think it really is zeros and ones. There's, like, interlaced TV and you have to. The video format has to match the saddle. I don't know. Now. Wow, that's a nice pie. Do you notice something about this pizza? Gorgeous pie. What do you notice about this? Circle. It's premium. Now, I know we have a little bit of an issue around sauces. I have no issue. But I'd like to just show you this. Slice sauce, they call it. Oh, yeah. It's creamy. It's creamy. It's zesty. Put it in my hand? You want me to put it in your hand? Yeah. Beautiful packaging. Look at that. I like it. It's gold. Are we going to eat it? I will tell you. It is a little warm. Give me a little. Give me a little. Yeah, a little slice sauce. From 4-7 through 6-14, order a handmade pan or Parmesan stuffed crust pizza to receive a free slice sauce dip cut with your order. That's a good piece of pizza. And even better slice sauce. Mmm! Taste mine. I think mine's the best flavor. It's creamy. Wait, I thought this was the best one. The cream is unbelievable. It's incredible. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I agree completely. It's unbelievable. It's great. I hope the camera captures how much I love the cream that I just drank. The grape is. Honestly, it's like a three-way. I might need to try one. I might need to try this. The grape is also really good. I thought root beer was really good. Buy any two cans of Olipop in-store and they'll pay you back for one. Any flavor, any retailer, go to drinkolipop.com slash FKS. Good. How did they invent the internet? Who even came up with the idea? Even before they were like. Like, even before it's the hardest thing to, like, do. Like, it's the hardest thing to do in the world. Like, how did, like, before they. And, Chuck, this is now. I still can't get over the microphone, but you think you understand. The microphone is so much easier. The microphone is peanuts compared to the internet. Yeah, but it has to be. Do we really hear the same vibrational sound? I think it has to do with vibrations. I'm going to pour myself a glass of my wine. Anyone want it instead? This one? Chuck, you're really big on the oat milk. Oat Malone. So. So. Wait. So, I just want to know this. Thanks. Like, how did they invent the light bulb? It was an accident. It was? No, he'd been trying for a long time. Edison. Yeah. But how did he invent it? Something with chemicals. Chuck, I don't know. I don't even understand where to start. Chuck, could you invent anything. I know where it started. It started with the wheel. Could you invent anything scientific? Dagger? No, could you invent anything scientific? Like, do you think you can invent anything, like, electronic yourself? No. Chuck, what are you talking. No, I don't think I could be a technical, like, executor of the invention. I think I'd think of a void in the marketplace and someone, you know, hire the right tech guy. Okay, what's a void? I wish there could be a machine. I wish there could be a machine that kind of scanned every individual hair on your head, and you put this cap on, and you could figure out just where every individual hair ends up, and, like, that combination feels like a good starting place, and you can have programs for, like, going out, like, just being casual. You press a button, and it manipulates your hair, and it ends up exactly every follicle. So just like a wig that's motorized? No, it's made of your real hair. No, it's a machine. It's basically your hair is made of, like, kind of X amount of hairs, and if they end up in a certain place, their end point, you'll be happy. And so why can't you just, like, the way you set settings for your light vignette, when you go home, it's like, oh, I like the lighting in my home at this thing, cap, hair. Chuck, do you think you could know, like, the right. Yeah, and I'll tell you, you'd be having a lot of trouble right now. Do you want a hairstyle? Are you guys just saying, why can't my hair just stay in place? No, you just don't understand. Like, don't even move. Do I have an issue? No, you might. No, your hair looks good. To me, if. I just think, like, his bang right here, I don't know if it is. That's what I. avoid is individual kind of wet looking curls and that's what i look for when i don't like every every barber or like anything they're trying to create those on us why don't you want what i'm trying to do and maybe and maybe he doesn't care like me i want every hair to look like it's been woven into another one have you guys ever heard of them hairspray apparently yeah hairspray school yeah who invented hairspray who cares about who it's like more how did they think of it yeah okay so what's something you wish there was in the common space what in your daily life what's the thing you wish was different brag because i kind of understand because i looked into it but i thought if they can freeze embryos why can't they freeze humans so what did you find well they probably can but no human wants to be frozen right and it's a lot easier to freeze like one cell versus a lot of cells so what did you find just that back to square one you're not you wanted to tell us that you read one day about that embryos can be true i think they they can freeze life like if you can freeze an embryo and then thaw it out yeah why can't you just do it because you have to put it into something that can grow it that's not why they freeze it yeah but the only reason it works is because it's going into a womb no the only reason the only reason it can become a human life so it's like if they can freeze that why can't they freeze like dave right now and pull them out and the only reason is because it's a lot more complicated i think it's because it because there's no because the only reason you you're i thought that you're the embryo just fart no i went i thought an embryo can be frozen because it's like it's like incomplete it has to go into a thing it has to feed off of something else the thing that's even crazier that we were researching is that when you put an embryo into another person it feeds off that person's blood it feeds off that person food everything but no dna it takes no dna and attributes and do you know why no i just found this out three days ago the outside of it absorbs everything and it's like it's a miraculous thing they don't even know how or why it happens but it happens and it takes on no force it takes on nothing of the other person's dna yeah because it's it's its own thing no no it's connected it's literally connected but just because you've the placenta just gives like if you if i was to get pregnant the placenta just feeds the being that's growing within me it's like it's not like taking your dna no but it's taking even like you didn't take your mom's like you just had your mom's dna because you are you didn't get your mom's dna through eating for her from the inside no i know but it's but it's insane and they can't explain it they can't explain nobody can explain it when you look at it it's it's like a world it's like a it's like a wonder of the world why do they need to explain it because it's just a separate entity like isn't no it's not it should it should eat off it should it your dna should go through but for some reason it doesn't we were looking into it for hours all right we're not going to invent anything hold on dna is within every single cell if you like ejaculate inside of somebody it doesn't take wait dna it doesn't take it but it has your day yeah that's a good point no because the egg the egg has her dna yeah you ejaculate it has your dna it's not going to just take if you have a surrogate it's not going to take the dna of the surrogate it's just it's its own thing and that is the beauty can i please sit somewhere with a back well i'm just just just like just that i don't there what do you mean lean back do you want to sit outside there's a bowl of fruit behind oh okay i'm of the bowl one sec and that what should i be talking to here i need to sit somewhere else maybe we can invent a new back brace well you know what believe it or not i actually suffer from back issues every now and then and here is one of the inventions that i bought i think you can just sit on this and it'll make your experience a little more enjoyable i know that you don't want to sit on the ground but there you go you thought to invent that that's the type of thing we should be thinking of you needed something i provided it for you i don't think we should be thinking so i don't think i feel i don't think my back feels any different but my butt does slightly feel low no actually i think it's actually actively hurting my back more i don't know if that's the way to use it it might supposed to be go on the back i don't know what do you mean you bought it for your back i know i well your mom sat in it that way earlier today and i thought oh that's how you're supposed to use it i've been using it against my back that that this thing felt terrible this on the other hand that's what i thought it was what do you think the best invention of all time is light electricity let's see the wheel oh wow this is take context into account it's like okay here's the here's the top ones okay the wheel the wheel it's kind of the first taught invention wheel like when they teach you and they're like oh like human beings like they created this thing and everything and that was the wheel yeah the wheels the wheel's up there is it number one there's two separate lists there's a list where it's like the wheel personal computer and semiconductors but then there's like a comprehensive list you ready for the the real list semiconductor a computer what that's like so many inventions in one a television i guess they're all penicillin oh yeah what's penicillin because that like helped like cure a lot of no i think it's like an antibiotic chicken chicken's not on the list okay smart smartphone it's a computer this is crazy video that's what i'm saying video well i wonder what they mean and then the next one is film it's to me being able to see what what occurred in the past or in the present is the most mind-blowing this is the craziest thing the next two things on this list you'll never guess in a hundred years check i'll give you i'll give you ten thousand dollars right now the sprinkler so that you could water all your crops so that you could farm so that we could have more people living in one area nope doesn't not it fly swatter nope sunscreen the two craziest things do you want me to read you one yeah which one do you want me to answer first the one that's next in the order of the thing which one check i don't know either of the two they're like 13th and 14th on the best and which one do you want super soaker oh wow who cares i don't know it's on the list i used to fill them with my piss what i didn't actually do that other kids did i didn't like it okay then the next one next one's insane okay the pie iron it's it's it's basically a george foreman it's basically a george foreman and then and then it's microwave i feel i feel like the microwave what source is this is this i don't know it's just popped up atm radio atm and then the iphone 4s really i think if we're going to have a good investment okay here we go here's here's guys this is a dot org this is like a real thing and what's the dot org mean just educational yeah and this is some of the most it says 22 inventions that change the world can you only have a dot org if it's like certified do you know you can make dot anything you can make it what did you mean when you said it's a dot org i don't know dot dot org she said this is a dot org don't you have to register yeah dot org i think is more important i think i can make there's like a website like clownpenis.fart there is but you go to clownpenis.fart right now this episode is sponsored by betterhelp i know i'm usually a big old jokester and we love you when you're like that and they love me like that but therapy has helped me become the person i am today you know i had a rough time when i was about 20 21 and i take the tools i learned in therapy and help apply them to my real life and tools i need when i was feeling like anxious or just depressed your emotional well-being matters find support and feel lighter in therapy sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com fks that's betterhelp.com fks i like that we get 10 off and we're going to talk about wayfair now you want a sleeper sofa is like a sofa that's underrated it's like a sleeper it's been slept on no what is it it's a sofa that turns into a sleeper like look at this one wow that's nice man wayfair they got all that and then so they do have so many options i'm on wayfair a lot we can put this at the end of our bed so when you snore i'll just go into the sleeper sofa sorry you have to deal with that the snoring find furniture decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com wayfair every style every home do you know jack black's mom invented gps is there a giant magnet that you're gonna say man what gets the compass to know which way everything is gravitational pull yeah there's a giant magnet in the middle of the earth i mean i actually don't even know this this is just the logic in my head that yes there's a very specific gravity that like what is the exact wording will you look up physicists or whatever people who understand the laws of the universe have to come to some conclusion where they can you know you can just tell via like how i guess pull where is west south among other things - Laws of physics revealed what time it is. We created-- - What? - Laws of physics, or whatever, of universal law. - You just mean that the Earth rotates. We gave it meaning. - No, I don't think we gave it meaning. It really kind of lines up no matter what, no matter if there's a man in China who's looking up, or a man in America. All the laws are doing the same thing in all the places, and they told us time is this. You can start that clock whenever, but here's how it works. And we decided what time it was, and then some man in a building, I guess, was like, this is the official home base of, this is what time it is, everybody. And then the Navy or Army was like, we protect it. We're gonna also have time. But really, it's all just the laws. And then they started making more clocks, and the clocks tap into the laws. - No, the laws of physics don't really have to do with the actual 12-hour day. - I think they do. - But you wanna know what's interesting? Have you guys heard of the 12 hours 'til the doomsday clock that they just recently, there's an organization that meets-- - To midnight. - Yeah, isn't this crazy, Benny? There's an organization that meets where they actually move the clock when they think they're getting closer and closer to the end of the world. 12 hours, is it 12 hours to midnight? - 'Til midnight is involved, but I wonder where it's at now. I wonder if where I-- - They moved it recently. - They moved it, yeah, they made it code orange or something. I don't know. - What happened? - There's basically a little barometer that's measured by high-powered people who understand, not high-powered, people who understand the nuances of the world, which, right now, there are global powers with nuclear weapons who can do X, Y, and Z. - What time are we at? - It's kinda extreme. - Anyways. - I wanna know what time we're at. - What time? - Yeah, it says-- - It says one second closer to midnight. - What time is it? - Yeah, that's a good question. - What time is the clock? - It's closer than ever, it's now 89 seconds to midnight. - What is the math that makes something go one second closer? Can a move be so bold that it actually makes it nine seconds closer, and then can you go backwards? What is the scale based on, or is this just metaphorical language to tell humanity that someone's watching world events and saying-- - Someone's all art. - How do they get to 11:00 p.m. so quickly? - And is it real, why is it now-- - What happens when it gets to 12:00? - The world is done. - It's not only 11:00, it's 11:59 or something. Okay, I have an invention. It's like a bidet, but it's not a bidet. You sit on the toilet. It's a nuclear bomb, shoots up your ass. - No. From the, Chuck, from the front and the back, like after you're done, it goes and a strand comes up that's being held by two poles that's really like a wet wipe. And it goes back and forth and it wipes you. And it rotates and it wipes you and it is aware of how much fecal matter is there, how much is left. - It's such a waste, just wipe your ass, yourself. - That's wasting the most paper. - Yeah. - That's so bad. - This is a bidet. - Well, not everyone has access. - I have another one. - Some people will want access to the bidet that goes with the floss as well. - Okay, so like what's really bad every day? Wiping is a big burden. - Traffic. - What about something for your stomach? You're always in pain. - Tums. - Yeah. - Zofran. - Think of the things that-- - How does medicine work? - What? - Yeah, like how does it know where to go? - How does it know where to go? - Chemical medicine? - Yeah, but how does it know where to go? - The human body is-- - It's so crazy. If your like head hurts, how does it know to go right to your head? - The universe is-- - I think it just does your whole body. - The universe is full of inexplainable things that just seem to work kind of magically, but there is a science and a regularity to those things and we have learned a lot of them. - How does a thing make you less anxious? You take a pill. - It's brain chemistry. - Yeah, how do we have life? - It changes the neurotransmitters in your brain. - Think about ring doorbell. Think about knees. - Yeah, let's think about something like simpler. - No. - What was that? Did you throw the basketball? What'd you do? - Doug, that was the best thing. I thought it was gonna break. - Like that's a practical invention 'cause it's like the-- No, look at how, stop. Look at what you just did. It's so fucking, ugh. - Ugh. - That's art. - Wait, let me see if I can-- - Hey, check. - Oh yeah. - How about that? - How did you do that? - I don't know, but I think it might break the wall. - Okay, I'll do it up here. - Oh no, do it from here, from far away. From far away, get the door. - Well, I can't do it from too far. - No, no, you gotta be far. Okay, I think you can do it. - All right, now I wanna try. - How'd you get it before? - Stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't be inappropriate. - We're gonna have to-- - No, we can't, we can blur it. - Everybody at home listening, we're trying to get it-- - Oh! - Oh my God. - We tried to get it-- - Chuck, and it was perfect. - Can we start thinking about inventions? - Maybe we can invent an app. - I wanna invent like a good. - Like a baked good? - Ooh, I just thought of something. Fuck, I can't forget my invention. Flying cars. - Traffic. - They're gonna need two to your top and bottom. - I really wish you could like eat fried chicken and it was healthy. - Yeah. - What if you took a pill and we were able to see what happens after you die? - That's a, come on, let's be real. - You're drunk and you take one pill and then immediately you're sober. Call it like Sober Up. - I like that. - That's cool. Like, if it's possible, I think it's the best invention of all time. We might have just like, we might have to quit this podcast. - We should definitely, it's not a podcast. - They don't have it for like right after, but obviously you can get it so that you're fine in the morning. You might have to sleep it off. - Do you know how incredible that, I can't believe I just thought of that. - We, it's like being in a session. - Yeah. - Type in, how long does it take to get sober when you're drunk? And can it go fast, and? - How long does it take? - Yeah, type that in. - Could you say it again? - To get sober when you're drunk. - When you're drunk, comma, and can it go faster? - I'm gonna invent this thing and cut you guys out of it. - No, there's, we'll have it all on tape. - Chuck, you'll be the Winklevosses, you'll be trying to get back, it won't even matter at that point. I'll give you a measly 100 million to my 87 trillion empire. - Sober up. - If we could invent it, it's like. - It's gotta have its reasons. - Yeah. - Slightly different, this is like The Cousin, but there are Korean hangover drinks people drink before consuming alcohol. - I'm talking about complete reversal. Zero to 100, or I should say 100 to zero. - There's gotta be a way to speed it up. - They were able to take a song and turn it into such a compressed file. - What are you looking up? - Just inventions. - What type of inventions? Were you looking up how to invent something? - No, I just was reading about maybe something that allows for things to not get foggy. - Has any young person invented something? - Yeah, the AI guys are also-- - Oh yeah, that's my friend. - Wasn't Bill Gates kind of young, and Steve Jobs? - Yeah, Microsoft. - My friend. - Did you know that-- - Why do you say micro? - My friend's the youngest and youngest. - I say Microsoft that way because I just read that Elon Musk has created an actual company called MicroHard. - Yeah, I know. - I'm sorry, called MacroHard. That's designed to completely compete with Bill Gates and I believe AI, and his whole company is called MacroHard, and it's totally serious, it's a legit company. - That's insane. - And he's that competitive that he named it that, because he thinks it's so funny that he's-- - MacroHard? - I thought, man, that would've been a good album title for me. - Oh my god, that would've been great. - MacroHard. Or like, MicroDick. - Hmm. - I'm looking at young inventors. - Well, I mean, not that I don't care about the people, but for the sake of this, it's less about the names of the people, it's more about the solve. - My friend invented. - The gap that was bridged. I just wish we could bridge a gap. - I'm just trying to get a good sound bite. - Good sound bite? Not at all. Why, did it sound like I was smart? - Yeah, I looked over and you were really pitching. - No, no, no, that was just sound bite. - You know the guys from Airbnb put blow-up mattresses into their actual home and tried to get people to rent it? - They did. They had blow-up mattresses. - There was a void. Like, we went on vacation, not stay at a hotel. - I know. - Oh, I have a summer house. How can I profit? - I wanna book a home on Airbnb right now. - All right, now I have to ask you an honest question. - What? - Are you doing an ad, or are you being serious? Did you just bring up Airbnb organically? - I was actually thinking, because I'm planning a trip in Europe, and I love the, like, I swear. - He's in ad mode. - I swear. - He's in ad mode. - No, I believe him. - They can see it, they can see it. - No, I believe him. - Can I tell you? - The dookie wipe. - No. - You're missing. - I would call my thing from earlier the dookie wipe. And the tagline would be, we thread the needle. - Do you think robots, like, have, like, emotions? - No. But they will. - Why do they feel so emotional? - What do you mean? It's our emotions for, we have emotions. We can be emotional about a rabbit. We can be emotional about an ant. - Have you seen those rabbits that have, like, weird horns now? Like, all messed up? - No. - You haven't seen them? With, like, all of-- - Oh, maybe I have. It's like they're getting these infections and they're freaks. They have horns? Yeah, they have like large, huge like barnacles and stuff. A human horn. It's like mace. You press a button instead of spraying something with mace, you get a human horn. We saw a lot of, not salamander, but like lizards, but giant ones. Were any of them caiman? No. Also bottles. I mean that's, before bottles, like when you were just like scooping up water and they were like, wait a minute. We can like, this is, like we should be thinking of shit like this. This is so useful. Like, oh my God, this water is being held up in the air. It's too hard. Too hard? I feel like, no, I feel like everything like that's been invented. It has to be. What, yeah. Like everything utilitarian. Like the thermos? Do you think this invention that I think we all heard at some point over the last five years and we're like, oh, cool. Like, didn't see that coming, but it makes a lot of sense. Do you think that's actually like playing out enough in real life to warn it? The invention I'm talking about is the fridge that keeps tracking all the ingredients that's in there and it like tells you when. Yeah, the smart fridge. No, I don't think anyone cares about that. I don't think it worked. Like, I think they thought the demand would be so much higher. Like, they could like make recipes for you. I've never seen in anyone's house like a smart fridge doing any work. It's the price points just too high. So, I'm right. What do you think the top ten things are that we like? That we don't appreciate. Inventions that we don't appreciate. Oh. Number ten. Zippers. I appreciate. Well, okay. Nine. It says we don't appreciate chairs enough. I was appreciating mine earlier. I appreciate chairs. Elevators. I'm highly appreciative of elevators. What is this? Just like no one talks about it enough? It's not getting enough. Refrigerators. Escalators better not be on the list. Flush toilets. Flush. Yeah. What's a non-flush toilet? Like just a place to shit? Yeah. It's like what? Modern toothpaste. It's like not plumbing. Yeah. Modern toothpaste. Just shit on the ground and someone comes and scoops it. What? No, there's a lot of toilets that are like on the ground. Tin cans. What do you mean on the ground? Like in certain countries, I think there's just holes. Yeah, holes. And then who gets rid of all the fecal? Tin cans. The earth just inherits it? Tin cans. Never use any tin cans. I think that's so dated to the Folgers era. What? What are you talking about? Tin cans? Everything's in a tin can? Oh, tuna fish. Everything. Oh, it preserves. It preserves. Yeah, check. Tin cans is incredible. Okay. It might be the best invention ever. Locks and keys. Keys are crazy. The jaggedness of a key. I don't even understand how. It must be so intricate how a lock is for that level of jagged. Okay, what about this? This is such soap. I think a soap in a bar. This is so stupid. We can't invent anything. The quill. The quill is so smart. The feather that is dipped in ink. Why can't we invent anything? We can. We have to give it one last really. Hard shot. This show is sponsored by Liquid IV. Did you know Liquid IV has 3X, that's triple, the hydration. That's a typical sports drink. I'm talking to you. Oh, do I? Yes. No, I didn't know. I know now, though. Yeah. Are you a sports star? I'm a great basketball player. I'm a great athlete in general. There's a lot of sports that I'm good at. You can just go to YouTube, Google, whatever, type in Lil Dicky basketball. You'll understand why I'm uniquely qualified to be talking about this at all. Tear, pour, live more. Go to liquidiv.com and get 20% off your first order with code FKS at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code FKS at liquidiv.com. We love you, Liquid IV. Okay, I just had a great idea. Okay. I don't know why this is impossible. If I duct tape my mouth, right, I can't spit out of it. There's, you know, there's no, I can't get, like, liquid. I can't get liquid to come out of it, right? Why? Because it's so taut. Yeah, but you can't just, like, make up random issues. That's part A. I really just thought of it. Okay. Instead of condoms or dental dams or fucking whatever the fuck, IUDs, it is a small piece of tape that you put right over your pee hole. And it prevents the cum from coming out. But it's this. It's this big. And it's just so taut against the, your dick feels the exact same. How does it stay on? Magnets. There's no way, there's no way that the force of cum coming out of the dick is strong enough to get past the tape level that we've created. I think it's, like, 70 miles per hour. Well, I have an idea, I have an idea. I think it's, like, what would happen if a dick shot back? Like, would it be a problem? They should just make men's underwear that, that wear the dick. How fast does your cum shoot out of your dick? They should make men's underwear where the cum goes. It's just a condom. They make them. They make those for strip clubs. Cum shoots out of your dick, like, 40 miles per hour. We've created such good adhesion. I have, in all types of ways. Gorilla glue. How do you put it on? Oh, that's my pee hole. How does it stay on? Tapes. Adhesion. But how do you, you're fucking with tapes all over? Yeah, I'm fucking right now with a fucking plastic bag wrapped so taut around my dick. Why don't you just get a little adhesion for your pre-cum? I will. You're talking about spot? You want a spot? Spot. That's the name of the device. Spot. Is it like medical grade mesh? You're like, man. That straps your dick? Yes. You're like. I got a spot on my dick. No, you're like, did you bring spots? Did you bring any spots? You know that, I mean. That sounds terrible. I brought eight spots. Like, I'm ready to go. It doesn't sound terrible. I brought four spots. I can fuck all night. That sounds normal. I brought four condoms. Pfft. I gotta go freestyle. I'll see you guys. There must be something about the force of cum and the, lack of adhesion. Piss, I get why we do piss straight through a spot. I do like the name spot. I think it's a good idea. I really do. I really do. I really do.