The Internet's Most Disturbing Confessions

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Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent to taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See chart. Hey, what's up, guys? And welcome back to the channel. And today we're getting into the internet's most disturbing confessions. And oh boy, do I have some insane, unhinged, dark, and just downright depressing confession threats for you guys today. So make sure to stick around. And I appreciate you guys stopping by. It means the world to make sure you guys like the video and subscribe to the channel. The channel subscriber goal is one million subscribers before the end of the year. And I think. I think we can do it. Your guys' love and support has been unbelievable recently. And I just want to say welcome to all of the new viewers. You're joining one of the best communities on YouTube. So get excited. And if you're not subscribed yet, please subscribe because like I said, I genuinely believe this is the best community on YouTube. You guys are amazing. But anyways, back to the subject matter at hand. Today we're getting into some very dark and very disturbing confessions from a user who makes his wife commit S-word. Yeah, it's as dark and as heavy as it sounds to a user who spirals into drug addiction and details all of the accounts that come with that. But anyways, I'll quit my yapping and make sure you sit back, relax, grab a drink and grab a snack. And without further ado, let's get into. Internet's Most Disturbing Confessions. I'm responsible for my wife's S-word. I'm not a good person. I'm selfish and I'm heartless and I don't deserve to continue living. My wife and I were married for eight years when she committed S-word. We were in the midst of a divorce at the time. I was a terrible husband in every single way possible. I did not deserve her. I didn't love her or love her. I cheated on her. I lied to her. I got another woman pregnant. I strung her along. I pushed her to the brink. I did not kill her, but I may as well have. My wife and I struggled with infertility and one of the stressors in our marriage was our inability to have children. It took years of our lives. Thousands of dollars and broke our spirits. My late wife and I both wanted to have a family, desperately. And when we couldn't, it was incredibly tough. She coped with it by going into a funk and internalizing it and becoming depressed. She lost interest in almost everything in life. She was not fun to be around and instead of supporting her like a husband should, I ignored her. She was a shell of herself, from her depression. I didn't even help her with it. I just ignored it. I thought if I acted like it wasn't happening, it would go away. I did everything I could to put my mind off of it. I started to go to the gym daily just to get away from my wife. I started to become friendly with a girl who ran at the same time as me. Too friendly. I spent way too much time cultivating a friendship with another woman and not enough time helping my wife cope. She became a distraction from my life with my wife and the moments I would spend with her became the highlight of my day. After a few months as friends, we ended up becoming physical. What I chose to do was despicable. I was a married man in his 30s. I took advantage of not only my wife's trust, but the trust, and innocence of a young woman. Everything I did was selfish. I didn't spend a moment thinking about my wife. I was only focused on what I wanted. And I was a crappy cheater on top of that. I didn't spend a second thinking of the consequences of my actions. Our relationship resulted in pregnancy. I've been in therapy for almost a year now. And my therapist thinks I did what I did on my own. I don't think I intentionally tried to get her pregnant, but I certainly did nothing to prevent it. When we found out about the pregnancy, instead of confessing to my wife and begging her for forgiveness, I convinced my girlfriend to keep the baby. I am conflicted to this day as to what the proper choice would have been. I have always wanted a child and my daughter is my everything. I don't think terminating her would have been appropriate, but, it almost certainly would have prevented my wife's S-word. I used my girlfriend. She was not ready to be a mother. I wanted a child desperately and when the opportunity arised, I convinced a girl who wasn't sure if she was ready to be a mother so that she could keep her child. It wasn't as despicable as what I did to my wife, but it was not an honorable thing. I took her youth from her. I changed the path of her life and brought her into my drama. She was just a young girl who fell in love with a liar and an asshole. I stole so much from her. I've done my best to make amends, but I can't go and undo the past. If I was a decent human being, she would be a 22-year-old looking for her first job and having fun in school and my wife would be alive. Instead, she is about to be a mother of two and my wife is dead. I was never honest with my wife. My girlfriend was willing to have an operation to have the baby removed, but I could not swallow it. I promised her I would leave my wife for her and after some prodding, I did. I didn't tell my wife there was another woman, but she guessed almost immediately. Even knowing I cheated, she did not want to leave me. I still did. I strung her along for several months by telling her maybe we could work things out. I gave her false hope. In my effed-up brain, I did not want my wife to move on. I wanted to have her and my girlfriend and my baby. I never told her about the pregnancy. I did my best to keep it a secret. If she knew from day one, maybe she would have been able to cope better. When she found out, she told me what kind of effed-up monster has a child with another woman, while he is married. Who does that when their wife is struggling with not being able to have a children? It was the single worst thing anyone can do to her and I did it to her. I was her husband. I was supposed to protect her. Instead, I destroyed her. I could have done more. I could have listened to her. I could have been her friend. Instead, I ignored her and acted like she didn't exist. That was easier than facing the consequences of my actions. My wife committed S-word ten weeks after my first child was born. It's been a year and a half and I still think about her every single day. I see her every day when I hold my daughter. I miss you, Anna. I'm sorry. I am a coward, and a monster. I should be the one dead and you should be holding your baby. Please forgive me. Ask me anything if you want. I will try to do and answer as many posts as I can. I am engaged to my girlfriend and our daughter is 20 months old and we are expecting our second in November. We are a family of sorts, but my life has been a struggle. I am happy with my daughter. And I would never commit S-word. She depends on me so much. But I wish I could almost every day. And now let's get into some of the top comments. One user says, you still don't care about your ex-wife. Half of this entry was about the 22-year-old and a quarter about it was about you. We know more about your fiancé than we do about your dead ex-wife. There's very little information about your ex-wife. little guilt in your words. more more what you should have done less damage if this is not a troll post you are a sociopath and the op comes back in response and says i think this was one of my concerns after i posted this that i might come across as a bit too much of poor me that was not my intention i think i wronged more than just my wife with my actions i negatively impacted the life many people beyond just my wife i was trying to express regrets about the negative impact i think i've had on my fiance's life a sociopath lacks a conscience i know there is nothing i can do to convince you that i have a conscience over a computer screen but i do you cannot begin to imagine the guilt and the shame i feel over what i've done and what i'm responsible for and the commenter replies the op again and says it's not about convincing conscience doesn't just suddenly appear when something irreversible happens like a death conscience would have entered him before this the part that was particularly disgusting was the bit about how your wife found out via facebook which meant you were callously plastering pics in her face and she was like i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that updates of your new family not long after divorce if you truly wanted to spare her of the pain so much so that you couldn't even tell her to her face you could have either blocked her from seeing these updates and pictures which can easily be done or would have created a completely separate account to share the happiness of your other family actions speak louder than words there is authentic gut-wrenching guilt and there is slightly irritating intellectual guilt it seems like you feel badly because society says that you should feel badly and not much more i'm guessing it probably feels to you like a really annoying mosquito bite that won't go away and you're right it won't go away just my opinion and the op responds again and says that isn't what happened i was trying to keep the pregnancy a secret there was absolutely no plastering of pics or updates on my facebook i didn't want anyone to know about the pregnancy it was partly out of shame and wanting to prevent my wife from being hurt the pregnancy was the single worst thing i could have done to her she had already been getting hints from someone close to us and the confirmation was running across a post that a friend of my fiance's put up that was public she was like i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that and there was no mentioning of the baby or our relationship i wasn't out to cause my wife any undue pain i did but i wasn't actively trying to hurt her i feel bad because i'm responsible for the death of someone i loved and cared about i don't know why i didn't feel more when the affair happened my guilt is much more than guilt because of society's expectations i do appreciate your thoughts though and i hope you enjoyed this video and i'll see you in the next one like i said earlier i know i won't be able to convince anyone of anything and someone else says are you happy with your fiance and how does she feel about all of it and the op response and says i think it's difficult to find happiness when you are responsible for so much pain i struggle with that sometimes because i feel like i don't deserve to be happy but we have a good life together i love her and for the most part we are happy together we don't fight and we have a solid relationship she is an awesome mother and our life is from the outside at least good i think she has been able to handle things better than i have she never knew my wife on any personal level so i'm not sure it impacted her as much and she isn't a traditional other woman in the sense that she wasn't at all gunning for another woman's heart and she wasn't at all gunning for another woman's heart and she wasn't at all gunning husband i pursued her and i was the one that made our relationship happen i knew it was wrong and i still did it so i think almost all of the blame for the affair belongs to me she does feel bad about what happens but she subscribes the theory that my wife is responsible for her actions and another user says this was horrible and extremely hard to read you didn't write this because you feel genuine remorse you feel guilt you need to be pardoned for your sins you show classic signs of a complete narcissist this whole time you basically shifted the focus on how bad you feel and how crappy of a person you are because you want sympathy from others you reek of a man-child who needs constant validation from everyone i hope karma is still serving you harshly for what you've done because people like you may get a little better at masking and may even reduce toxic behaviors with therapy and mental health treatment but psychopaths and narcissists cannot be changed and cured continue to have the life you deserve i've secretly been a drug addict for years preface i apologize if this post comes across as excessive self-indulgent and lengthy believe it or not there is an equally long part two i hoped that by writing the complete story of my addiction i could achieve catharsis and come to terms with what has become of my life some background i believe that addictions are deeply rooted in other issues and thus some background information seems appropriate ever since i was a child i can recall being affected by the fact that i was addicted to by significant mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Additionally, many of my peers have speculated that I have Asperger's syndrome, though I have not been diagnosed with it. Several doctors have even stated specifically that I do not suffer from this condition. Psychological problems run in the family, especially depression and anxiety. After middle school, these problems became increasingly significant, though I did very well in school and graduated as valedictorian. I could sense that my life was spinning out of control. The summer before senior year of high school, I developed a profound interest in psychotropic substances. I had few friends and little to do, so I spent the entire summer in the hospital. I was in the hospital for a long time, researching compounds and their effects. In the beginning, I was scrupulous when choosing the substances I would actually take, and I never took anything in a reckless or ignorant manner. I experimented with and documented the effects of nitrous oxide and about 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 different substances. Number one, I can't mention all of these substances on YouTube. Number two, I can't even begin to pronounce them, but some notable ones are mushrooms and kratom and amphetamines. Let's continue. The OP says, I respect that you please do not comment on the safety of these substances. This list is not intended to serve as an acknowledgement of which substances I consider safe, and therefore the doses have been omitted. Generally, I was able to control my drug usage very well. However, I eventually got reckless with the mushrooms. I told myself that I was taking all these drugs in a quasi-scientific manner, as it is difficult, if not impossible, to truly understand descriptions of drug effects without first-hand experience, especially in the case of psychedelics. I felt I needed to experience the ultimate psychedelic state. I pursued this goal, even when negative psychological reactions began to manifest. I increased the dosage from half a gram to a few to even more of rigorously dried mushrooms over the course of six months and 15 trips. Needless to say, the higher-dose trips, the two highest being multiple grams, were very difficult to manage. I had some incomprehensibly troubling experiences, which I had trouble integrating. Though the lower-dose trips were apparently beneficial, these trips seemed to exacerbate my already unstable psychological state. I became cognizant of the tenuity of all knowledge and the lack of an objective reality. The awareness of my own assumptions, biases, and preconceptions was valuable in some respects, but the uncertainty of everything made me uneasy. I began to wonder what I was doing, and what I was trying to do. I had no idea what I was doing. I stopped using drugs and spent the rest of high school and the first two years of college trying to reassemble the pieces of my shattered ego. prior to my freshman year of college, I began dating a girl from high school. This was my first serious intimate relationship. Furthermore, our personalities were antipodal, resulting in frequent conflict. She was domineering, egotistical, and materialistic, whereas I was submissive, self-effacing, and intellectual. While I typically was traceable to her demands, I resented her attempts at control, especially her use of intimacy as implements of manipulation. If I did something to displease her, intimate satisfaction was withheld. My friends admonished me for continuing our relationship, but I foolishly believed that I could change her and finally achieve her. The one thing I always sought for was a loving relationship, and this imperfect one seemed to be the best substitute I could obtain. Despite all of the lows, the intermittent positive experiences kept me hooked. Long before I was addicted to any drug, I had no problems ceasing mushroom use once I finally attained a peak experience. I was caught up in an addictive relationship. Now the stage was set. It was time for my descent into addiction. For those readers keeping track, I now had to contend with innate mental health issues, psychedelic-induced psychological instability, and a frequently unhappy relationship. The last straw came during the second week of May 2010, after I had completed my sophomore year as a chemistry student. The relationship between my girlfriend and me had been deteriorating for two months. To the point where I was able to continue my addiction. However, we had not seen each other in over five weeks, despite my attempts at reconciliation. I finally got her agreed to a Skype call, during which she told me that she had been sleeping with an older fraternity guy for a month. I was understandably devastated. I had spent two years fostering our relationship, foregoing friends at my school to drive to see her. Instead of attempting to begin a new relationship at my college, the logical alternative, I had spent every weekend with her. Thus, my frequent S-word ideation became constant S-word ideas. Being a student of chemistry and pharmacology, the ideal method seemed to be massive drug OD. I do not know how seriously I contemplated this action, but after two weeks of misery, I decided something needed to be done. I had already tried numerous antidepressants over the previous four years, none of which affected any significant relief from my mental torment. I thought day and night about a potential solution. I seemed to be stuck in an eternal cycle of depression and anger. These thought patterns were reminiscent of the looping thoughts experienced during psychedelic trips. I was trapped on the hedonism treadmill, but seemingly powerless to change anything. After recalling the positive results of my previous experiences, I decided to try taking them once more. I carefully considered this decision, agonizing over any possible outcome. I determined that 1. I did not care if I died of an OD. 2. If I become addicted, I would simply try therapy and commit S-word if I failed. 3. Any other outcome could only have desirable ramifications. So, I made the fateful choice to locate and purchase the narcotic known as, I can't say the name, but it is a very, very powerful painkiller pill. Let's continue. The OP titles the chapter, I guess, "Addiction: The Rise," and continues and says, "During the time I have described to you , I was consistently feeling the worst I had ever felt in my entire life up until that point with the exception of the temporarily limited experience of bad trips." I would like to emphasize that, knowing all I did about psychoactive substances, the choice to constantly abuse painkillers was certainly not an easy one. Past experiences were few and spaced far apart. However, by comparison to "imminent S-word," the alternative of self-punishment, or self-medication, seemed attractive. On the basis of the "ask and you shall receive" principle, I approached my morally questionable neighbor and inquired about painkillers. Coincidentally, he had a solid connection, and thus was able to buy me however many I wanted for the right price. Of course, which turned out to be one dollar per pill. I started off by purchasing three. Tablets. Despite my S-word thoughts, I actually did not want to OD, and so I started with a reasonable dose of approximately a few tens of milligrams, and I divided the tablet, and then took the tablet. Initially, I was decidedly underwhelmed. I was expecting a life-changing euphoria, but instead, I felt only a pleasant warmth. This feeling was still better than what I had been experiencing, and thus I continued to abuse the pill. After a few more attempts, I attained the bliss I had been seeking. I was enveloped in the most beautiful, warm glow, feeling as though I was practically radiating light and empathy. All of the worries that had once besieged me simply evaporated, leaving only pure, unadulterated euphoria. I slipped into a state of diminished awareness, where my mind was filled with colorful visions of a whimsical and fantastical nature. I could scarcely move. My body was heavy, perhaps as after an exhausting run or powerful, um, finishing. I noticed that my breathing had become slowed and intermittent, though this realization did not trouble me. I thought I could breathe. I felt free to socialize, unafraid of embarrassment or rejection. This uninhibited socialization was utterly foreign to me, even under the influence of alcohol. I remained painfully self-conscious. This new painkiller allowed me to openly express myself while remaining almost perfectly lucid, in reasonable doses, providing a major incentive to continue my abuse. At the time, it appeared that I had discovered the secret to happiness. For $40 a day, I could enjoy a pleasure greater than intimacy and socialize like everyone else. I calculated how long I could sustain the joyride. Based on the cost per day and the money in my savings account, which was significant as I rarely had to spend money to do things, of course, there was no one factor I failed to account for sufficiently: the inevitable tolerance which developed with prolonged use. I had anticipated a constant, gradual increase, but the reality was harshly different. Within three weeks, using four times per week, my preferred doses had doubled. Nevertheless, at this stage, I was still able to maintain intense euphoria simply by increasing the dose, a luxury which was also lost over time. As anyone familiar with addictions knows, this state of affairs was hopelessly unsustainable. Eventually, my usage would increase to a point that would be too costly to support. I would then either quit or find a "novel" way to support my habit. One month from my first dose, however, this time was strenuous. I would have to give in to the fear that I was still a long ways off. With my newfound confidence, I was able to find a girl to begin dating from one of my chemistry classes. She seemed primarily concerned with physical intimacy, which was fine by me. I was especially pleased to discover that she was strongly submissive, exactly the opposite of my previous girlfriend. With my drug-fueled confidence, I finally got a taste of what a satisfying, intimate relationship was. In just one month, the pill had completely revolutionized my life. I went from feeling like a depressive, S-word loser to a sexy, outgoing stud. Everything wasn't perfect, obviously. While the afterglow was still significant, leaving me content even the day after using, I noticed that I had a significant depression after two days without the pill. There was also the hassle of meeting my contact and paying for the substance. Nonetheless, these all seemed like minor inconveniences, considering the benefits I had realized from regular dosing. Besides, there was a simple solution to the creeping depression. More frequent dosing. I began dosing every other day. Then every day. Then multiple times every day. I wasn't too concerned because the semblance of withdrawal was manageable, and I continued to have a significant cash reserve. More seriously, I moderately OD'd on one occasion. While I did not pass out, I became increasingly dizzy. Nauseous, I usually had no issues with nausea, even at high doses, and confused. Unlike my first dangerously high dose, I had no colorful visions and no euphoria. I felt like I was constantly about to faint, even standing up, and it took all of my willpower to retain. I would not feel the need to breathe for a minute, and then constantly gasp for air. Obviously, this incident was rather disturbing. Nevertheless, the good times continued to roll. I had an amazing 4th of July and loved going to the beach and basking in the sun while my body was blissfully warm and numb. At home, I no longer felt imprisoned, but was content to rest. joined BJ's Wholesale Club the day he became a father of 30. I coach football. Now, Coach Hank saves up to 25% off grocery store prices. 30 pounds of pasta, 3 cases of protein bars, 75 sports drinks. And that's just pregame. He knows teamwork, and BJ's knows savings. This is your home, Coach. Home of the Save. Join for just $20 at BJ's.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for 6 months. Open soon. Limited time offer. New members only. BJ's. Home of the Save. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. 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Ask your doctor about Eblis and visit Eblis.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. Relax and listen to music. Particularly hard rock such as Led Zeppelin. Or play video games. Appropriately enough Oblivion. One of my more embarrassing yet sensually gratifying experiences or activities after large doses was lying on a velvet blanket while dragging it across my bare skin. I no longer craved intimacy with anyone else. I could achieve more pleasure non-intimately by my self. Unfortunately the honeymoon phase was finite. I began to become concerned after I went on vacation for four days with my family. I decided to test myself by not bringing any drugs on the trip. Just to ensure that I could still be happy without them. By the end of the first day I noticed the onset of a psychological withdrawal symptom. I was constantly thinking about how I could obtain some pills. Perhaps there was a bar I could go to where someone was selling them. Or maybe I could find some on the beach and identify them online. Or maybe my thoughts of the high were ceaseless. Though I was certainly disturbed by these manifestations of my developing addiction. I purchased more pills the first day I got home. Three weeks later reality was quickly setting in. And I had only a couple of weeks of summer vacation remaining. I resolved to immediately stop all drug use. And so I did. There was no physical withdrawal just the same psychological symptoms mentioned previously. Once I got back to college it became clear that staying sober would be a daunting task. I had to complete large amounts of work as well as confront my paucity of friends. The mental health issues I suffered with before beginning the drug use resurfaced. Though my summertime glimpse of normalcy had dampened them somewhat. Because the withdrawal was not terribly difficult I foolishly decided to resume my pill habit once more. This mistake cost me dearly. As that previous kick was to be the last time I could quit without physical withdrawal symptoms. Addiction. The fall. After a month of using it was now the end of October. And my bank balance was finally dwindling to a concerning level. Additionally, I had increased my dosage to over 100mg each day. And as a result experienced some very negative highs. After an especially large dose I became horribly confused. Unlike the pleasant nod I once had, I had experienced disorientation with little euphoria. My breathing was erratic and I would suddenly gasp for air after not breathing for long periods of time. Though I don't want to believe I completely lost consciousness I would fade into a dreamlike state where I thought I was doing something else. Such as getting a drink of water. I would physically act out my dream. For example, by lifting my hand to my mouth, then regain awareness and realize I was actually just lying in bed. I had trouble remembering trivial details about myself and had no sense of time. I was also irrationally scared and I believed I would be imminently harmed by some malevolent force. This confusion and macabre emotion lasted for six hours. It's worth mentioning that the constipation was also horrendous. Sometimes necessitating bathroom breaks over an hour long. I could sense that I was quickly losing any control of my drug usage. I desperately wanted to stop as the drawbacks were beginning to outweigh the benefits. I figured the psychological withdrawal would be a small price to pay for averting potential disaster. When I ceased using this time, however, the withdrawal had a physical component as well. I had moderate flu-like symptoms including runny nose, watery eyes, muscle aches, goosebumps, fever, chills, diarrhea, sweating, and restless legs. I had never endured a physical withdrawal and I was greatly alarmed that I had become physically dependent on drugs. The psychological symptoms were also worse, with significant depression, anxiety, and even time dilation. After four days, the symptoms finally subsided, and I even experienced a euphoria, sometimes known as the pink cloud. I was elated to be free of my increasingly burdensome addiction. Tragically, things did not end there, and I deeply regret my subsequent choices. I was dumped by my summertime lover, and resumed dating my ex-girlfriend from high school. The stress of this relationship, along with that of coursework, was getting to me. I began running, as I had read that exercise is very beneficial for sober addicts. I was able to stay sober until the end of December. At the beginning of winter break, I was so bored, as nothing was as interesting sober as it was on drugs. I was watching a show which I had loved watching high. My cravings were immediately triggered. I tried to resist, but I couldn't help doing it one more time, especially after being clean for so long. I expected the euphoria to be like that was at the beginning of my drug usage, but disappointingly, that was not the case. Despite the lack of intense euphoria, my love of drugs resurged. I had intended to take pills only once, but my weakness got the best of me. I took it every day during winter break, and continued doing so for over a month back at college. By now, my doses were reaching upwards of 120 milligrams, and the habit was having devastating financial consequences. I once again tried to to quit, and predictably, my withdrawal was even worse. the restless legs were especially brutal I didn't sleep more than an hour a night for two weeks but I managed to continue to attend class and complete my assignments I was now suffering almost unbearable symptoms physically as well as mentally I knew I was in deep but after the symptoms finally subsided I relapsed again within a couple of weeks I was greatly discouraged by these pathetic failures in order to pay for the exorbitant costs I had spent my entire 5,000 tuition refund I will not explain the shameful methods by which I obtained such refund about a month later after using 180 milligrams per day I mustered the courage to endure the torturous withdrawal once more in addiction to the greatly exaggerated withdrawal symptoms something else was disturbingly different about this withdrawal after two weeks I still felt very far from normal I was having trouble sleeping more than four hours a night and I was very depressed and anxious even an additional week provided little improvement instead of the four day withdrawal I once had I now felt horrible even three weeks after stopping this realization led to yet another relapse when I tried to quit again a couple months later in April I determined I needed a different approach I went to a rehab clinic and after the request 24 hours in withdrawal I was given my dose to help I expected to feel normal but the withdrawal did not abate significantly I thought about trying a stronger pill but didn't however when I told my doctor he was incredulous and accused me of lying I tried to explain that I had resisted the urge but I wondered how they would be able to tell this from the urine sample since the pill from two days ago would likely still be present this comment led to a severe berating though I eventually got my dose appalled by this condescending attitude I left with my pill tablets never to return knowing the pharmacology of whatever pill I had I realized that the few milligrams I had was an excessive and senseless dose the chemical inside this pill acts as a high affinity mixed agonist antagonist it has a ceiling effect and high doses only serve to block the receptor in your brain clinically this is useful patients are prevented from abusing their drug of choice I will admit the possible role of the chemical for the sake of brevity the result of all this jargon is that I knew I could take one milligram without it being too much weaker than the multiple milligram dose thus I was able to extend three days of the pill into three weeks of it without much discomfort after the first few days I did not even notice the drastic dosage drop which never would be the case with full agonist drugs like the pill the rationale was that I was out of college for the summer after those three weeks so I could focus on quitting I also tapered the dosage which is easier with long acting drugs valiantly I stopped taking the pill after only a few days out of school I was determined not to fall into a complacent usage pattern as I had done before this withdrawal was hell on Earth I was drenched in sweat writhing on my bed for a week straight unable to sleep at all there was no respite from the misery even some other medicine failed to provide solace I was still feeling physically ill and hopeless by the third week the withdrawal seemed never ending a perception no doubt bolstered by the extreme time dilation I experienced I was completely depressed I felt as though I would never experience any happiness again and certainly nothing bearing any semblance to euphoria the S word ideations had also returned and they were as bad as ever I was result on not returning to drug use and I scarcely had the funds to do so I was looking for anything to alter my state of mind I came across a bag of kratom for months ago that is how I maintained the addiction for nearly an additional two years for those who have never heard of kratom it is a tree from Southeast Asia that contains alkaloids which act as a um something mu receptor agonist as well as many other alkaloids with various activities some of which seem to mitigate addiction to some extent I did not expect much but a tea made from this material provided nearly complete relief of my symptoms shockingly this relapse did not result in exacerbated symptoms once the drug wore off with the pill even if I took only one dose after being cleaned for a month I would experience intense withdrawal symptoms it seemed like a miracle but this was also too good to be true after taking it for two months I had a severe withdrawal upon stopping I resigned myself to using kratom indefinitely and that's what I did from June 2011 until the present day I have taken dried ground kratom every single day this dosage I'm taking is extremely high but makes sense when compared to to the other pills and painkillers I was taking daily at my peak kratom is also much cheaper than prescription painkillers which is what allowed my uninterrupted habit the withdrawal is also not as intense but it is still severe enough to keep me using it has some drawbacks however kratom is quite short-acting and thus I need to dose many times per day it also is a pain to make and an even bigger pain to toss and wash the dry powder the tea tastes very bitter and the powder is likely to induce horrendous gagging if swallowed improperly therefore kratom cannot be used as easily as prescription painkillers on many occasions though I've made the tea in public without attracting too much attention if you saw someone making what was apparently matcha with a coffee press perhaps on an airplane at the movies in the mall Etc it could have been me while using kratom I graduated from college with a BS degree with a GPA over 3.7 and maintained my tumultuous relationship with that same girl from high school however that is not to imply that the addiction has not had serious consequences I've been out of college for almost a year with no job I cannot leave the house for extended periods of time because of the rapid onset of withdrawals the reason I don't have a job my friends many of whom I met only because of my painkiller confidence are worried I am penniless because I need to spend all my money on kratom and my loans are delinquent thus I once again would like to attempt to quit and that is why I have written this post I would like to see where I've been in order to avoid the same mistakes in the future I know this path will not be easy but you don't realize how strong you are until strong is your only option sorry if I butchered that quotation if anyone has read my entire story I sincerely thank you for taking that time to do so even if you have not read everything please comment and share your opinions with me I highly value others experiences since I fully acknowledge the limitations of my understanding success stories are especially encouraged finally I'd be glad to answer any questions you might have for example no I was not on amphetamine or any other drug besides kratom when I wrote this I rarely take anything besides my usual kratom doses and then also in the tldr the opi adds some extra details and says I'm sick of all the crap I've done because of my addiction I've stolen pills obtained money through dishonest means lied to friends and family and even taken pills that I scraped up off the bathroom floor I hope I can put this behind me and lead a normal honest life I regret that some seem to be disappointed by the lack of a dramatic ending the conclusion may seem anti-climatic because I never turned to serious H use my connect fell through before I received my first bundle got arrested slash incarcerated held up a pharmacy OD'd and was saved solely by uh one of my friends or as per Pulp Fiction adrenaline injection Etc however I believe this illustrates an important aspect of addiction in contrast to the swift dramatic consequences of drug use often portrayed on television real addictions are often more subtle though they may very well destroy one's life in the end the damage usually happens gradually thus one may be complacent and not recognize the seriousness of the issue until it is too late i personally was tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college that's why she shops at bj's wholesale club saving up to 25 off grocery store prices beef jerky microwave meals laundry pods even they can't screw up have you met my kids and with bj's gas she gets there for less they call me the road warrior this is your home road warrior mom home of the save join for just 20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save hey it's kelly roland you may not know this but i have eczema so i get how it can steal your time but why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about ebglis ebglis labrakizumab lbkz a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies ebglis can be used with or without topical corticosteroids don't use if you are allergic to ebglis allergic reactions can occur that can be severe eye problems can occur tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems you should not receive a live vaccine when treated with ebglis before starting ebglis tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection paid partnership with lily respect your time ask your doctor about ebglis and visit ebglis.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545-LILY-RX 5979 not aware that i had lost control until long after i became addicted when in doubt stop and now let's get into some of the top comments one user says okay i will lay out some truth for you but you might not be ready to hear it you are a drug addict you need to become comfortable with this notion you're not a physical addict or any other bs you're a full-blown chronic addict you're not just a pill addict you are addicted to changing your mental state to blunt unwanted feelings and sadly you are an addict for life the good news is that you can overcome this and there are plenty of people who will help you i am an addict i've gone on a path similar to yours i was on pills for two years and the withdrawal was more awful than i can say yes i got there through pills i really believe that you need to be honest with your family and go to rehab you've already discovered that getting physically clean doesn't get you far when you don't tackle the mental game i'm not an aa fanatic i believe you do whatever necessary to get real recovery i almost lost my son because of this disease what i do is see a therapist every week occasionally i will go to an aa meeting that i like and i will willingly do random drug testing and have the results sent to my ex-wife but this is my path yours will be totally different i wish you all the luck in the world you can dm me and i will be happy to help in any way that i can and the op response and says thank you for your sincere words of encouragement and inspiration one of the reasons i made this post was to force myself to face up to what i've done so that i can hopefully confess to my family next i feel that emotional support is invaluable in all of my previous attempts to quit my girlfriend one of the few who knows of my problem has been less than understanding and thus exacerbated my depression i even regretted divulging my secret to her as she has threatened to blackmail me on several occasions i believe that my family members will be more helpful as i strive towards sobriety and someone else says thanks for taking the time to share this it's not easy to be a human being in this world especially an intelligent and sensitive one so many people try to find ways to cope be it with pills or alcohol or caffeine or intimacy you are not alone in the struggle and we have never heard from the op ever again but this was posted 14 years ago so i really hope that the op was able to you know kick this horrible horrible drug addiction and get sober get healthy and be happy i 27 male was drugged and r-worded by a man a couple nights ago and i don't care i was at a party a couple of nights ago i had gotten there at 7 pm and had two beers during my stay i've had some addiction problems in the past and i'm pretty close to being clean now hence the reason i only had two beers it was around 1 a.m and i was sitting in the living room watching nathan for you with this guy i had met earlier that night he was a pretty cool dude and he liked nathan for you so we hit it off pretty quick so we are watching tv and i'm not going to be watching tv and i'm not going to be watching tv and i'm not going to be watching tv all of a sudden he starts to come up to me he asked me if i've ever considered having intimacy with a man to which i responded sorry man but i'm into women but i also told him that i'm completely fine with his intimate orientation and that it did not affect my ability to have a friendship with him he backs off with his flirting and we continue to watch tv after about 20 minutes or so he asked me if i want another drink since i was completely sober at this point i said sure he brought me a vodka tonic i took a few sips and i noticed that i was getting a lot more drunk than usual and i was really wobbly that is the last thing i remember i woke up the next morning in the guest room with a crushing headache and i noticed that my jeans were pulled down barely past my ass i don't want to be crude but my butt was very sore it felt like i had a cold for some reason my throat was very sore and every time i coughed to try and clear the phlegm it caused me to uh i'm not even gonna read it but basically he his butt hurts a lot i realized that i had been r-worded i pulled up my pants and left the house i got in my car and drove back to my apartment i didn't really feel anything i'm not sad or angry i don't feel anything at first i thought it was just shock but it's been three days and i still don't really care almost like it didn't affect me at all i went to the doctor yesterday to get my butt looked at and to get a std screening i suffered a fissure because of forced entry i'm still waiting on the std results at it i visited the police the std test was inconclusive and i will have to return at another time and now let's get into some of the top comments one user says so i have ptsd the i don't care thing you're talking about sounds a lot like you're experiencing something called disassociation victims of trauma do this subconsciously and without control in order to cope with the traumatic event i would make an appointment to at least see a therapist to talk about this when the disassociation eventually wears off your mind has decided to not completely process this event they can help you do that and another user says it sounds like you do care but that you don't allow yourself to care it sounds to me that you are defending yourself from your own feelings by acting cold about it i do it too and it is not helpful you need to go to the police if not for you then for the next victim if he is the kind of person who would drug you and r-words you he could easily do it to someone else you owe it to yourself and any other future victim that he may not end up being convicted of anything since it's been a few days and most of the proof is probably gone by now but if he ever r-words someone else and they decide to report it then it's recommended that you go to the police if not for you then for the records will show that he was accused of it before and that will help the next person i am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and the op comment and says i went to the police and another user says if you're writing this on reddit you probably do care about what happened deep down you should totally sue him go to the police i know it's super hard because of the shame you might feel but he's the only person who should be ashamed of himself My best friend has been R-warded two years ago in a similar situation. she also didn't feel anything like nothing had happened for the first month she blamed herself for what happened and could not accept it she told me the guy slipped a pill in her drink that she only remembers a few horrible scenes from the night before that she woke up with bruises and pains everywhere but she kept trying to convince herself that she was dreaming it or it never happened she wanted to take the pill nothing to worry about numbness our ward victims have a hard time accepting it i have not been able to convince her to go to the police this guy started following and threatening us both not to sue him i eventually did it after one year for the both of us that's when my friend started to see a psychologist and really started understanding what happened and healing a little must be so much harder in your situation being a man the person who did this to you is human trash and needs to be punished you deserve to be refunded for what you're going through even just to pay your medical exams and psychotherapy and he deserves to be in jail suppressing your feelings isn't always the right thing to do and it can be freaking exhausting i hope this helps you a little hugs from italy and the opie responds and says i'm bothered by the fact that i'm not eliciting a proper emotional response to the fact that i was unwillingly effed in the butt that's why i shared it on reddit sometimes writing something down and getting other people's perspective on it can help you heal and another user says jesus that's horrible have you considered at least reporting him the man is a full-on predator and r-wordist he should be locked up it does happen to women as well that they don't feel bad or anything after being r-worded and as you can't remember the experience of being an r-wordist experience i'm sure that helps but i'd still report him and the opie responds and says i went to the police and reported him i didn't know his last name though so there isn't much they can do unless someone else reports a man with the same name and description and the person responds back to the opie and says nobody at the party knows the guy the host of the party and the opie responds and says i didn't actually know anyone at the party i went there with a tinder date but that didn't really work out and she left around 9 p.m because she had work in the morning first date speak for your personality is so deplorable that i wouldn't even hate fu to save my own mother so there i was at a party full of complete strangers that my only connection to was that they were my failed tinder dates friends friends chances are i'd never see any of these people again in my life so i decided that i would stay and see what happens i have a profound interest in drunk people and it's even more interesting when you yourself are sober they'll tell you their deepest secret and not even think twice about it i asked this incredibly wasted man at the party if he was sad about anything to which he responded that he was upset that his girlfriend wouldn't participate in his diaper interest with him i don't use this information in any sort of nefarious way it's just an interesting experiment on human sociology it helps me with my writing as well allows me to create more complex characters with unknown motives i don't know why any of that was necessary to answer your question tldr didn't know anyone i physically abused my girlfriend i never thought i would be writing something like this but here i am i used to think it was disgusting how someone could abuse their wife girlfriend or loved one until i did it myself well i met my girlfriend in my second year of college she was a year younger than me and a really nice girl quirky really pretty long black hair bubbly and a very entertaining person to be around i could tell she liked me from my limited interaction with her in one of our common classes to cut a long story short she really liked me and we hit it off eventually we started dating everything was fine for the first six to seven months and then it all went down the drain the thing is i was always a very egoistic aggressive and my way or the highway type of person deep down i grew up in a very rich family and played football in school and in college just used to getting my way with everyone i know it's terrible but please let's go on we started disagreeing on little things and from there on it eventually escalated one day we had a huge fight in which i abused her and said really hurtful things on text she cried a lot and said she wanted to speak to me we spoke and she basically gave in to everything i wanted which was unreasonable af but i got my way again she really liked me so she kind of let me control her in that way a couple of weeks later we fought over the same thing and i lost all effing control i will not go into details sorry but i abused her she then said something that was hurtful and it got to me in the heat of the moment i just lost it again i abused her again and this time she started crying on the floor she did not get up and just laid there crying then a few minutes later it hit me what i had done and i was in utter shock i felt broken and effing disgusted at myself i as a grown-up man had beaten a 5'4 tall woman who was 130 pounds lighter than me and a foot shorter she was on the floor and crying bruised all over she ran away from my apartment and i just sat there fast forward to the end of the night and i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die eight months later i still think about this almost every day i cannot get the image of her lying on the ground and crying outside of my head i feel ashamed sad and disgusted i cry a lot and wonder how i ever broke such a sweet little girl's heart and soul like that i just saw the news about kareem hunt abusing that woman and kicking her then it hit me all like a truck today and i felt pressed again i think about it every effing day and feel absolutely terrible i manipulated her abused her and treated her feelings like effing crap all because i knew she would let me take advantage of her because she really liked me i feel ashamed of myself i am so sorry s and now let's get into some of the top comments one user says so i just want to be the tough love person here and say you have got to go get professional help sure you feel bad now but if you don't dramatically change course you will do this to another girl she did nothing to deserve physical violence so don't try to say this with some kind of special circumstance you are a threat to any future relationship until you make some big changes the choice is yours another user says if you haven't apologized to the girl yet then you should it won't change everything you did to her but it may bring closure and the op responds and says i did apologize but she said she will never forget what i did and she cannot forgive me for it and someone responded and said understandable learn from the mistake and all right guys that wraps up some of the internet most disturbing confessions i really hope you enjoyed today's video if you did make sure to like the video and subscribe to the channel i really do appreciate all of the support it like means the world you guys are legit the best community on youtube so thank you guys so so much for watching and if you'd like to support me some more you can follow me over on instagram follow me over on spotify and subscribe to the patreon for early access to every single video i release and uh yeah if you enjoyed this video i'm sure you will enjoy some other videos on the channel so go check out some other videos on the channel and um once again thank you guys so much for watching from the bottom of my heart it truly does mean the world and you guys are the best and this was snook and i'll see you next time bye tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college that's why she shops at bj's wholesale club saving up to 25 off grocery store prices beef jerky microwave meals laundry pods even they can't screw up have you met my kids and with bj's gas she gets there for less they call me the road warrior this is your home road warrior mom home of the save join for just 20 at bj's.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save do you hear that that sound right that means that summer's officially here it means that grown adults just sprint into the street for a frozen dessert shaped like a cartoon but this summer mint mobile has a better tree every plan including unlimited is fifteen dollars a month and unlike ice cream it won't Don't drip down your wrist or look nothing like the picture. 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