148: The intense reality of life after healing your relationship with food (I need to be honest)

the reality of life after you heal your relationship with food. This is something that I've been meaning to talk about for a while on the podcast. And I have been spending the weekend with one of my soul sisters who started out as a client, the gorgeous Ellie. You can listen to her testimony on the podcast further back. Don't remember what episode it is, but it's one of them. And we've been talking about this all weekend and we figured we wanted to make a podcast, a little girl chit chat talking about how this has shown up in both of our lives and also the patterns that I see with clients as well. So without further ado, let's dive into this conversation. [MUSIC] I'm so happy to be here with you, Ellie. Thank you for having me back on the hard little wall this podcast. I'm so excited and honored to be here. >> Absolutely. I think something that is sometimes misunderstood in the food healing world is you think that once you heal your relationship with food, you're just going to have this perfect life where everything is going to be absolutely perfect and you're never going to struggle with anything again. And it's really interesting. I know both of us have experienced this and we'll share more about it today. Now when food gets easy, life gets hard and there's so many reasons for that. And I think one of the biggest ones is when we remove the buffer of food and we learn how to exist in our nervous system and in our body without the constant buffer of food. We're not using food as a regulator. We're not crowding our stomachs anymore. We actually have space in our body and in our stomach to feel emotions and sensations. And that can feel intense. It can feel different than ever before. And you're going to be living the rest of your life, maybe without this buffer anymore. And that's pretty big. What do you, how do you feel about that? >> I think I wasn't expecting how high the highs would feel, which is amazing, but then how to navigate the lows that can feel really intense because it's like navigating for the first time without the buffer or without the noise cancellation. It's you and you, like you say, everything's just heightened. And at first, kind of after, once the healing high kind of wore off, I was like, oh, different life challenges came up and I was like, wait, this feels kind of next level and you have to continue to grow your capacity and keep healing and learn new ways to take care of yourself and how to hold these things, which is such a huge part of what we learned. And inside Heartlet eating, but then it kind of goes into like a next layer. >> Yeah, yeah. There was a client this week in Heartlet eating in the community who put a message of like, guys, I'm feeling more anxious than ever before, like what is going on. And I explained to her and explained to the group and I know you know this too. That anxiety has actually been there all along. You've just been disconnected from it. You've been using food as noise canceling headphones to blur the actual emotions that you're feeling. And then suddenly we take food out of the equation. We use food appropriately with hunger and until you feel lightly full. And then you get to feel all of these things that you haven't been able to feel for maybe years and years and years of your life. And that is, that doesn't mean that it's not working or that some things going wrong. It's actually, something's going right. Like we're starting to feel the reality of your life that you actually need to feel. Right. And it's not even always quote unquote these bad emotions. It can be good ones too. Like, wow, I feel really excited. Like this is so intense. I'm like, just learning how to hold it all has been a beautiful and humbling and hard experience. But I don't call that the human experience that we were meant to have. Yeah. And I would love to hear like your experience, especially in like the few months after you finished heartletting for those of you listening. Ellie went through heartletting. You're going to rewind a minute. I am an alum. Ellie is an alumni. I'm an alumni too because I myself took my own took myself through heartletting. And in those few months after you finished the program, what were they like for you? It really is like food felt so easy. I was like, I got this under control, not control, but like it just became my new normal. And I was feeling so free and light and just connected to myself. But then when life as it goes throws some curve balls your way and hard things, and I was still growing like passies, not like overnight, I was able to hold ten times more than I ever could. It kind of freaked me out because once you learn all, once you learn about your nervous system and just how it works, when you enter those states like back stuck in freeze or dorsal vagal, I almost was into a panic because I couldn't come down to safety for certain periods of time. And now that I know what it feels like to be so deeply connected to myself at first when I was going through that, I was like, I hate this. And Ashley and I miss safety and like what is going on? And it always comes back like it does. Yeah. Just learning how to go through that was really intense. But just like we have to go through the intensity of heart-led eating, it was now learning how to grow with it without the buffer. It's a little intimidating because in a way you can feel like you're going backwards, but it's not that you're failing to regulate enough or doing all the things. It's just, I don't even know how to put it into words. Yeah. For me, I think people have a huge misconception about nervous system work in general and they think, oh, I'm going to do all this inner work and then I'm going to be super zen and call them all the time and never get stressed. And I actually feel like it's been the opposite for me where now in my life, I feel like my emotions are more chaotic than ever before. Versus before I was very like contained. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I just felt like I was living in this state of numbness all the time, which from the outside might actually look like, oh, she's got her life under control. This is now, it's like, I feel like I experience the whole range of human emotions in a week and a day. And the more nervous system work you do, the more that you can meet the highs and lows of your life. That's not a sign that anything's going wrong or that you're messing it up or that you're not healing. It's actually your system is feeling safe to feel again. It's good because facing chronic, like all these chronically stuck fighter flight emotions is not how we're meant to live. So when you're used to that and then the banding comes up, you're kind of like, oh man, it's confronting. Yeah. And the other thing that's really interesting that I've noticed after, you know, working, probably at this point, hundreds of clients through Heartlet Eating is how much people's lives will shift when food starts to become in order. As I say, we're eating within the boundaries of the body. Like we're just using food appropriately. All of a sudden, a lot of my clients will end up leaving relationships or they will realize that they're not working a job that actually feels aligned or they move to a new city or they go through, like I said, breakups, like just huge life shifts end up happening because we're removing the food buffer and it's like, whoa, my life is actually not aligned. Like I don't have a food problem. I have a life problem and now I got to figure out my life so that way food can be in order again. Totally. And I would love to hear more what it was like for you when you went through that what kind of big life changes or things you faced. Yeah. And think you've shared before that was a big transition into your spirituality and your faith and yeah. Yeah. The first thing I remember, this was like pretty early on in my healing journey. I had a moment of like, I want to be in a relationship like I want a boyfriend because before that I was so like not. I was just so disconnected from my femininity and sensuality and like my body. Like I just felt like I was living in like a pre-pubescent body in some way and I was so preoccupied with food. I was literally missing my period. Like my hormones were right online and as I started to heal my relationship with food I was like, wait, it would be fun to start dating and be in a relationship and that was a huge shift for me because I had never felt that genuine pull for that. Yeah. I ended up getting in a relationship and that was amazing no no longer in that relationship now but that was also part of my journey. I was like, okay, I can, the more that I went deeper and deeper into nervous system work and letting go of my own root causes with people pleasing and lack of safety and just learning how to feel safe in my body and speak up for what I want and hold my boundaries and truth and all of that. I was able to see relationships not just romantic relationships but friendships that were no longer aligned and be okay with seasons of loneliness like periods of my life where I actually didn't have a lot of friends. Yeah. Because there weren't a line friends at that point or I didn't have a line community and instead of seeing that as like depression or loneliness like it was just my life and I was okay with it. Spiritually healing my relationship with food completely changed my relationship to spiritual realms and God and Jesus and all of that. I didn't connect in more with Jesus until the past year I would say but even before that healing my relationship with food sent me on a huge journey of spirituality and connecting with things that are beyond what we can see here in the physical realm. Yeah, and it makes so much sense that that happens because you have space to connect with yourself. God and here and we're not just crowded with food or even not just food like the crowded with the chaos of control and restriction and the noise in our head. Yes. So. And there's a reason why I think in most spiritual practices, whether it's Christianity or even Eastern philosophies, they always talk about saving space in your stomach at the end of eating occasions. Like we don't they don't talk about filling your stomach to the brim with food. And I was joking around with some of my friends now that we want to save space for God in our stomach. It's like we're not here to fill every single inch of our beingness with so much chaos, not just food, but like so much input from all of these things around us that we can't actually feel the presence of God in our bodies. And when we get into that good rhythm of eating in the way that naturally thin people do, eating with hunger and allowing ourselves to actually feel hunger, that's healthy, that's normal, allowing ourselves to feel spaciousness at the end of meals. You're constantly keeping that channel of communication open between you and God or whatever spiritual thing you believe in, which is life changing for someone who's been used to buffering and putting some like layers in between them and God their whole lives. Right. And I have had a relationship with God for my whole life as far as back as I can remember, but I can certainly say that after healing my relation with food, it's gotten even more intimate and more depth and just more clarity. I hear the words so clear, I feel like. And it's a whole nother rabbit hole, but it makes so much sense from like a biblical, fasting perspective and why we're called to do it. And yeah, it's just all connected. It's so connected. It's so cool. Another thing that I see in clients, not just like leaving relationships and all of that, but them finding their own spiritual practices and heart-leading isn't a Christian program. We all have different faiths and different backgrounds, but it's so fascinating to see how many women end up coming to Jesus or not even Jesus just coming to some sort of spiritual practice. Even just connecting to themselves. When you've been disconnected from your true authentic self for so long, it feels like coming home. And even today, we were talking post-healing, like I make eye contact with people when I talk and I feel worthy to take up space in the world and not always making yourself small. And there's so many positive changes with the motions too, like feeling confident and knowing how to hold that. Yes. Yeah, another one I know I told you this yesterday that I've noticed is like introversion versus extroversion. Like I for sure felt like I was an introvert my whole life. And now looking back at it, I'm like, no, I just had such a small nervous system capacity that being out in public and parties and events, like it felt so overly stimulating to my system that I needed so much alone time to feel safe and like dispel the energy and find my baseline again. And now after continuing to grow my capacity, like it's the reverse. I love being around people. I love community. I love events and parties and gatherings. And of course, I still need time to myself, but humans are wired for community and tribe. And if we are not feeling safe in community and tribe, it's probably because our nervous system is actually overwhelmed or overstimulated. And I think it speaks to something we talk about inside heartletating the warm zone. But like this is another example where if you're in extreme on one end or the other, it could be a sign of a nervous system thing. Like if you can only be okay when you're busy with people or if you can only be okay in isolation, well, something's going on to like another area of life that feels more balanced after heartletating. Yeah. Things just like really do a line. Yes. Yeah, and that doesn't mean it's easy like we're saying, but it's it's very like revealing of anything that's out of balance in your life. I feel like it really comes to the surface when you remove food from the equation. Which is kind of crazy. I mean it makes sense. Like we all need food, but it like this one big pillar like all of a sudden you remove it and the whole wall can like shift. Yeah. And there's like a collapse that almost happens where everything feels like it's like crumbling and falling and you just I know I had like almost a identity ego death. I don't know identity shift of like a post-life crisis in the Lennial Life Crisis after healing my relationship with food for sure. Yeah. Like the big question of what do I do with my life? Another thing that has come up recently in some of our group calls is like, okay, Ashlyn, I finished it 12 weeks, like food is feeling easy. What do I think about now? What do I focus on? Like what's my purpose? If I'm not consumed with thoughts about food and exercise and my whole mission is to eat this perfectly cleaned diet or lose weight, what am I actually going to focus on? I mean if you think about how much time you've spent thinking about your body or how you're going to lose weight and suddenly you remove all of that noise, there can be a grieving period of thinking about all the years you've wasted thinking about that, but also a confusion of like what do I actually focus on? What's my purpose here on this planet? I feel a little lost, but then it does, at least for me it came with after I grieved and felt the confusion and the heartache and just the sadness of what do I do? I've gotten this wave of just like excitement for what's ahead and there is so much more to life and like what am I going to pour my passion into and just space to create again and think and collaborate in society like get like we're not meant to just like shove ourselves with food all the time like we have to like offer stuff to the world. Yes and so. Yeah, food and body struggles are so ego driven and honestly prideful. It's so much focus on me, how can I be thinner, hotter, sexier, like so much focus on self and yeah there's value in obviously taking good care of yourself. Like I'm not saying abandon yourself, but we only need to like fill ourselves up enough that we can then we have serviced other people. Right. And if we take that obsession so far and we're so hyper focused on making ourselves perfect even with self development and inner work we can take that way too far. We miss the point of being here on this planet like you're not going to get to your deathbed and be like did I do enough inner child healing? Yeah. It's like did I create friendships? Did I serve? Did I help others and making yourself not less than but just focusing less on yourself and focusing more on being of serviced other people? Yeah. Is so healing for your relationship with food. And I have so much compassion for myself. I'm sure you do too. Like you did the best we could but like we were trying to learn so much but I will definitely look back on these years and know that I completely lost the plot. I was just not aligned what we're meant to be doing and why God put us on this earth and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's good revelations. You gotta go through it to know. What other things do you see maybe for yourself or with clients like other buffers that kind of follow leaving food? Yeah this is fascinating because sometimes people talk about addiction transference where maybe you're like a cigarette smoker you stop smoking and all of a sudden you become a binge eater like you're just transferring the addiction to another thing but what I think is really unique about heartlet eating is we're not just trying to cut out food from your life. We're actually healing the root cause behind why you've been using food as a regulator which is going to shift all the other regulators you have in your life. You learn how to feel feelings in your body. You learn how to regulate your system and then you don't need any tool outside of your body and somatic. Exactly. Yeah and so I've seen a lot of clients struggle with vaping and all of a sudden they don't feel it desire to do that anymore after heartlet eating. Alcohol is a huge one a lot of times girls shift their relationship with alcohol. Was there any others? Oh caffeine. Coffee. That was really cool. I definitely like go of coffee. I have to have my coffee every day. I just enjoyed coffee but the more I connected to myself I was like wait this actually doesn't make me feel that great and so that one for me wasn't really a crutch but I'm trying to think the exercise one is definitely excessive. Not just like normal healthy relationship with exercise and movement like over exercising too numb or disassociated. Yes. I don't think there's very many I'm not saying that I'm perfect at this and I know you're not either but I don't think there's very many people on this planet who have really experienced life without buffers. It's such a normal part of our society. Everyone is using some buffer, whether it's food alcohol. Actually you know what's come up in our calls a lot is scrolling. Like we suddenly start feeling not guilt but just like wait there reaches a point where like the doom scrolling is just not like we're like wait this buffer isn't working. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I think that's been huge for me too is that I have so much more connection to my nervous system that I can feel when I'm using something like social media or I don't really struggle with like any other addiction. I can feel how it's not actually serving me versus before I just was so disconnected to it. I could do it forever. Right. And now it's like I feel the impact that's having on my body and I actually want to stop doing it. Right and it's not that I've never scrolled my mind anymore. I don't want it to sound like that at all but just the intensity of the abuse of a buffer for sure. Yeah yeah and I'm not perfect with that either. It's I don't really think it's possible to be a human and not know, I have any buffer at all. You can go have moments where you're not doing it, but like, that's also important to talk about that with nervous system stuff. Like, there's moments when you're going to be experiencing such intense emotions and sensations that you actually need to use distractions to help yourself get through that moment. That doesn't mean you need to all of a sudden down a bunch of alcohol or go binge eat. But like, can you engage in a show that feels fun? Yeah, be with friends. Like, let yourself have moments of tapping out from your emotions. Totally. But can we do it in a way that's not actually detrimental to your, like, health and wellbeing? Because the reason why we all develop this in the first place is our nervous system is seeking relief. We were never addicted to food, we were never addicted to sugar. It was addiction to relief rather. I use the word addiction, but like, that's what we're seeking. So it's like, it's not that we're never allowed ourselves permission to seek relief. Of course, we're human. Sometimes life is overwhelming and you need to just turn on a show and tap out for a minute, but learning how to disconnect that from food. Exactly. Yeah. I love that. Anything else that we missed? If you're listening to this and you're still thinking about doing heart-led eating, I can never recommend it more. It's just the best. It'll change your life. And kind of it gets a little shaky. But I promise you, it's worth it. It's worth it for the highs. It's worth it even for the lows. I wouldn't trade it now to go back to life with a buffer. Like, I'm grateful that I get to feel it all. Me too. I feel like my life is so much better. Now that I don't struggle with food, be it not because it's good all the time. But I actually kind of love the intensity of it now. Like the moments that are so painful. Yeah, it's hard to be there. But there's a different feeling to it now where I'm like, oh, I'm growing my capacity. Like I'm feeling this. I'm learning something like I can be with this. Like this is actually healing for my soul right now, even though I'm crying and putting my grief in the hills outside of your heart. We also know it's not going to kill us anymore. Like we can handle it. We can teach our bodies that were safe to hold it and grow with it. And we know joy always comes back. Like peace always comes back. And so I think even when it's really intense knowing how to not stay or be stuck there. Yeah. Yeah. And you just shift your focus over from let me heal my relationship with food to like let me continue growing my capacity through life. Like it's never gonna. We're always growing up. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, think about when we're like 80 years old, how big our nervous is to give us a chance. That's probably why all people like. They just don't care. That's so fascinating. I haven't really thought about that would be like, I mean, it gets better like every single day, I feel myself growing my capacity with each time now, I like know I'm reaching my edge of capacity and the more I teach myself to build it, you just feel that much more equipped for the next. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. And then you look back and you're like, these things that used to stress me out, don't stress me out anymore. Right. Like sometimes people say that with kind of businesses, an example, they're like, Ashlyn, how are you holding all of that? Like so many clients, like it's so much, how are you okay? Like how are you not stressed? It's like, well, old me would have been stressed because I didn't have capacity for that. But I've grown my ability to hold it over the years. And so now it feels normal. Like it doesn't feel like stressful. Yeah. It's so cool. It's so cool. Well, thank you for having me. I'm so glad we got to have this little chat. This is the real stuff that I geek out about in my real life. I'm talking about this all day long. It was like, we got a record of podcast. And I think it's kind of good to know like what you're getting yourself into before you jump into healing because not that I was blindside, but by any means, you prepared us well. But it's just another layer of what you can expect inside our letting in life faster. Yeah. relationship with food or any healing journey really we could yeah, I can go for anything for sure. Thank you for talking with me about all this Ellie. I love you so much. So grateful for you. Of course. And the link to Heartletting is in the show notes as always. I'm not even gonna say that. I just assume people know the link is there. If you want to join us, we would love to see you there. I would love to support you there. And until next week. Bye. Goodbye. (mellow music)