The Hot Tub Incident w/ Sam Tallent!

New York City, New York, get ready. This week, the boys are going to be at Gotham Comedy Club. Yes. Friday and Saturday night. Get your tickets, grab the squad, and come on out and see us. Yeah, November 13th and 14th, we're doing three shows. Get them part of the New York Comedy Festival. Come hang with the boys. We don't do New York shows that a lot together. It's going to be a good time. Also, Philadelphia tickets on sale December 19th at Parks. Get your tickets, rugarbage.com. We love you. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Hell yeah. It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition. She has some new nudes available. Okay. Facebook Marketplace. All right. Old school. Let's get it out there. I've been burning through the old ones. You and me both, sister. Mike Coase is coming in from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman. Has some money in select markets around the world, right? No, sure. Hong Kong markets. TD Bank. Brussels. TD Bank as well. Touchdown. Bank. Shout out to him. Why not go for two? That's an old bit. That's my old bit. That's yours? That's my old bit from hard feelings before the pandemic. He's also a loving father. He's a thief. He took your bit. He's also a loving father, creative writer. Collaborator. Collaborator. Open collaborator. Nazi collaborator. All right. What the fuck? I broke the chair. Oh, God. I broke the chair. What the hell? Let's go. All right. The laughs are rocking today, boys. You got to sit in the- You got to do the incline. Flip me upside down. My discs are compressed. It's like doing a podcast with Robin Williams. He gets all of a sudden- Ooh, I'm upside down. I'm a bat. Seven foot two. Hey, string bean over here. What do we got, Luke? Do we have another one? I'm in it. I want it. You good? No, no, no, no. People say Sam T's change. I'm still breaking chairs. No. That's the buddy. If you think he hasn't put 200 episodes in on that thing, you're nutso butso. We got like 10 of them. There we go. We literally do. We literally bought- There's a whole room full of chairs. I'm not even joking. There's a chair room. Looks like back rooms. Yeah. Rent-a-Center's going to be pissed. We're not getting the deposit back. He's a Raymore and Flanagan gang. Real sturdy. Ken James Ryan. Hey. Oh, shit. What's up, everybody? What the hell's even going on? Shout out to you, as always. Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. The boys are climbing the freaking charts. And obviously, the greatest- Greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, hit an all-time high over there. 17,000 Patreons. Strong. The Army of Garbage. Love you, gang. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He is family. Yes. He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian and writer, and he is the author of this brand new book right here, Brute, that is sold everywhere you can get your books. Just a worldwide sensation. That's Sam Talent, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. There he is. I am already regretting not selling that chair break. Because if I could have fucking fallen down, I could have been in the Dempsey Group. I could have owned half the Dempsey Group. I could have had some partnership here. I had a meeting with the Dempsey Group following this podcast. Oh, yeah? In regards to what? You did some shares? Oh, that's not great. Foley's in the financial position where he's trying to offload chairs of AYG. Trying to offload chairs on AYG books. All right, fair enough. You're like Sam Altman Freed. I had him the other day, Friday. I was lowballed. Sam Altman? No, you. For about two months ago, he was really jammed up and he was looking for a payout. And I was low. He's like, I make more than that now. What do you think I am? I was waiting for the checks here on Thursday. Like, where the fuck's the guy? What checks? I don't know. You get checks? Yeah, I get checks. Handwritten. From Tootie. Just burped. Yeah, no, I really do think that you guys are nothing but a financial explosion going on. Thank you. And I can't wait to watch the Netflix documentary on when this thing actually explodes. Because there's been no money. It's not good. I mean, the plane's still in the air, but the wheels fall off, you know. Like the Challenger disaster. Oh, yeah. And it wasn't just an O-ring. Turns out they were alive for two minutes. Yeah. I hate knowing that. I saw that shit live. I thought they went instantly. Imagine falling all that long, then cockpit, no wheels or nothing on it. Yeah. Done. I hate that you just told me that. You didn't know that? Because I didn't know that, no. Oh, yeah. They had him going around and touching stuff and trying to fix buzzers and levers and all that shit. No. Fuck that. They're playing Twister and Freefall. You're like an old. An old aunt, dude. Just brings up death immediately. I heard it's cancer. What? That's my old bit. I know. We're even. Give me the TV bit. Sam, congratulations on the new book. Thank you so much. You got a new book out. Whoa. Second novel. Second novel, folks. Brute. Or as a lot of people have been calling it, Brut. I like it in the Brut. Yeah. Hey. So does he. Or does he. Hi-oh. Hey. Very good. Yeah. It's a violent book about a hitman in Paris. We love it, man. That's great. Thanks, guys. I'm so glad to be back. Pulitzer Prize nominated author. Pulitzer Prize nominated, which apparently they can nominate anyone for a Pulitzer Prize. Luke, get on that. Yeah, Luke, get in there. Write a pamphlet or something. He wrote a tootie. What are you talking about? There you go. Oh, yeah. Well, someone wrote that tootie. Yeah, someone did. And when I find this little bitch, he's fired. That was a good tootie. I thought it was. That was good. Someone enjoys it. Appreciates my work. I mean, I listened at home, and I could have done the intro word for word. Oh, yeah. I wanted to do the, oh, yes. I saw. I saw you eyeballing me. You couldn't join in. It's a collaboration over here. I wasn't going to hop in until the nudes thing, and then the chair broke. And I was like, all right, I want to play the game. That's our second. That would have been. That's the second chair break Ian went about five, six weeks ago. But he was doing an act out. No, I think he was just leaving an act. He was leaving it. Okay. Stav weakened it. Yeah, a lot of people have. I don't know why you're sending shots at Mr. Halkius. Fine man of Greece. Who was that guy? Lenny Balls? Lenny Balls. Yeah, I bet he did. He did some damage on this thing. Sure, yeah, yeah. Shout out to Lenny Balls. One of our best episodes. Yeah, I agree. As a fan, that one ruled. That is a tent pole in AYG. They were going to mention that in a documentary. You better believe that. It's BC and AD. I had COVID that morning, I remember. Yeah, we all did as listeners. I was in the Wuhan market earlier that day. I did a. You were doing a bat tasting. Yes, yes, yes, yes. A lot of caffeine that morning. Celsius is a bad news for you guys. Wait. You know what video I saw the other day? He just worked a double and he has a bad back. That's what, did you ever see that at the cop? That's what we were telling about Foley. That's what happened in Austin. Foley worked a double and had a bad back. Yeah, he had a bad oyster in Austin. Yeah, God. You never have oysters on months that don't end in R. Right. That's what they get. Or with an eight ball. Yeah, yeah. Don't wash it down with free base either, folks. Well, that's not true technically. Southern parts of France do it. Oh, yeah. I always like the bag after a nice meal. That's the Roman Polanski we call it. Yeah. Oysters, a little ready rock. Finish up dinner, you have your Zambuca and your espresso. You do-do-do-do-do. Pops in a couple minutes later. It's a digestif. Excellent. Thank you. Something to go with the creme brulee. Luke enjoys a creme brulee. You also test crack the same way you test creme brulee. Oh, this is good. Is that real vanilla? Can I say this? Sure. It's your show. Thank you. Line. Flash cards. Quick. Shut. We'll be right back. This guy's no good. He's no good without cue cards. You look more like a writer than I've ever seen before. Thank you. As you get. Success keeps coming in, which we love. Do you. Are you adapting that a little more? Like dressing? How far away. Yeah, the open neck Carhartt shirt really. How far away are we from the pocket protector with the different pencils and stuff like that? I took my pens out this morning. Really? I carry a pen now so I can sign people's. Books when they approach me on the street. Oh, I see. On the street? Yeah, it's happened twice. So, and today I was riding the train over here, by the way, for the first time. Ever? On the New York City subway? You guys usually send cars for, you know, Chaz Palminteri and stuff, but. No, he had his own car. He had his own car with a. Wait, you know. Get you a car ever? No. We sent him an Italian ice card. Yes. Uh-huh. Italian. Whoa. Someone write a joke for the big fella, will you? There's no bad ideas. We're brainstorming. Yeah, man. I mean, I came in. It's all blank. You should just start reading the book. Fourscore. Harlan Williams read some of it aloud and I thought he was doing a bit, and then he just was like, wow, good stuff. I was like, what the fuck are we doing? Dude, that would be my nightmare. Oh, yeah. But, no, I came in wearing a brimless hat that I bought in Paris. Yes. I've grown a mustache, too. It's either that, like, it's a midlife crisis. That's all it is. He did a hacienda down in Puerto Rico. Oh, dude, I need to get. Or Key West, wherever Hemingway shot himself. I think. I've got another way to do that. No, no, not yet. Get a couple of cats, though. I've got to get some of the movies optioned first. Yes. Yeah, yeah, and then I can leave my wife some money and a couple of shell casings. I was saying when, because Luke wants his book signed by you, I said then you've got to kill him. Yeah, yeah. Then you've got one of the last copies. We get that up at Sotheby's. What I've been doing is I've been like. They make good cake. Oh, the best cake. Yeah, I love the cream filling. I've been drawing guns in people's books that I like. Can you draw? You can draw, right? No. No, I can't draw. I can draw the shape of a gun. Sorry. I know. It's better than I can do it. Everyone says I can do everything. They're wrong. But yeah, no, I like to draw in there and then they can resell it easier because the author drew it. a gun in it okay you're not gonna you're not gonna retire off this luke all right what really i don't think luke says he does feel nice that he's he's read and has signed uh a hundred percent of your books yeah no i appreciate that's uh he's he's been fucking reading a hundred percent of an author is a flex dude one out of three ain't bad right thanks luke i'm 50 you don't own the book this is my copy what the fuck you think paid for this it's our copy i thought we sent it over no we know everybody's posting videos oh look at we got one we got one who doesn't get one kippy and uncle hank why don't you throw it in the pool i have a learning disability yeah we know you want the cartoon to come out that'll be good that'll be so cool hello beaujolais butt fucking a guy in cartoon okay hey spoiler alert that's not on saturday morning that's late night no dude i think i do need to i don't know i'm not gonna buy new clothes yet look you're fantastic because i like i'm so worried i'm gonna get fat again you know but then you buy them again i've i've ballooned a couple of times you just did you have anything too because i had i lost them uh in the divorce but uh the pants i had a couple i had a couple of um uh pairs of old navy jeans that i never wore that i was like one day i'm gonna get into these and i had i don't know what happened to them i lost them somewhere i have a uh john elway jersey that was hopeful and it's a large it still doesn't fit okay but you're getting there i'm getting there yeah i'm still wearing a bunch of offensive lineman jerseys what's this this is carhartt i meant what size shirt oh it's probably a 3xl yeah you're swimming in it i need an xl i'm an xl you're swimming i have xl clothes let's go i know but i still it's tough it's tough to change stop by the dxl down there on sixth avenue we don't have to go there anymore bro that's what's crazy we don't have to go to the dxl you're at xl no he's not double xl i'm a dxl double xl i'm not i'm not a straight european traditional he's not a new york xl and i love him he's made great progress he's made great progress he's made great progress he's made great progress but he's doing this system you're not a dxl double xl you're like a medium now right no this is dxl double double xl oh so you're still wearing a regular four yeah he's up there i get it i've done the damage bro i had the credit card that was the first credit card i had was the dxl really yeah back when it was casual male xl yeah sounds like a fucking dating site it's like a hospice for fat guys casual male hey are you tired of chewing your food we made it paste casual male i get the sunglasses casual yeah i like the sunglasses and the cologne down there oh it's the best yeah it smells like chutney yeah turkey yeah dude try the subway tuna can i get the turducken it's three bottles ode to thanksgiving do you wear a scent at all no no no i'm a tough man i write books yeah i'm a tough guy tough guys write books i know bukowski yeah hemingway and i've never kicked a woman tolstoy very tough man i've never kicked a woman tolstoy i've never kicked a woman tough guy oh man right in the village square the faces inspired him he was haunted shut up that's a seinfeld line here's to feeling good all the time that was tolstoy exposing my writer's room here i got spike ferristine on yeah larry charles is in the other room he has an earpiece in say something fat um i just spit that's all right i wasn't apologizing okay i'll spit in my god on old school typewriter no no laptop yeah i did it all thumbs for you were trashing me on whiskey ginger by the way me i didn't send you my notes i sent you the notes yeah how late how late did you send me those notes i i and you were in the middle of a press tour you're promoting the book you're doing stuff i don't want to bother you i made the time to say hey i got a great idea for my friend who i think quote contains unseen universes and you were like i'll get to it soon get out drug problem you were like hey hurts has blood clots what are we supposed to do i finally got a couple of minutes yeah as soon as he went down yeah did i text you guys go broncos yeah yeah yeah yeah six and two baby let's go come on the right side of history i was rooting for the browns this weekend i'm all well you had 1300 on the spread i get it yeah because gambling is not a drug right in the hole yeah trying to pull out of it ah i hate pulling out of holes right fellas it's really something different that was never really my thing now it's man it's like night and day jesus christ man it's got the family show oh yeah how do you think they got here yeah huh oh who a family you have kids you blasted in your wife we're all very proud of you no the neighbor did that oh okay i was away i was on the route 66 door shout out to tulsa does your kid have your striking blue eyes he does that's cool he's a cute little guy yeah he's adorable he's got good eyes sharp kid looks he got a little bit of cash on though he dresses very well has a nice social scene bounces around he does he's got a little bit of cash on though he dresses very well has a nice social scene you being jealous of his fucking year and a half old is wild i'm not jealous you just mentioned three things you don't have cash you hit me up for money on friday friends closed and fit he dresses well you got a woman who breastfeeds you though i do that's pretty cool shout out to her how old's your kid now patty uh no my kid a year and a year and a half he's still on the tip i had a friend who breastfed until he was like seven that's too weird yeah he was like asking for it oh my god mommy old dad he's spraying some of his coffee yeah one for me one for you mama yeah he's putting on his gloves that confused me as a kid i never i didn't understand what was going on i just knew a titty was coming out and it was odd for me i got yelled at i looked i'm still i stare at it oh yeah it's fine yeah she's my cousin boy what the fuck man nice set of games yeah they do it now because i'm obviously a playground i'm around a lot of family you know dinette more than i've ever had been and it's just like you see nipple i mean if you're looking and he is you'll just be talking they'll be like oh this is a diane this is my friend diane i go hey pull it out like they're wild i go oh yeah and they'll be talking to you they'll be having a conversation it's just not normal for me hungry or i bet a couple people are hungry aren't they like do we have to do this on the swing set you know what i mean uh yeah it's a lot doesn't help when kevin goes yeah yeah when you your kids like in a european situation so your wife's always like nude in front of it probably is that true i assume uh not really but more than i think my family was nude in front of me yeah yeah you know what i mean my dad was we used to hot tub nude a lot are you serious yeah when i was a kid and like my dad about noodling i know yeah yeah what were you on three's company it wasn't my head it's crazy yeah who was making the eyeballs what the fuck pants around a train pants around a train pants around a train pants around a train a blow that's crazy you live with paul rubens yeah hey sammy you want to lewd everyone's doing he puts it in your mouth yeah techno starts playing he puts it in my hot pocket wait yeah emerson lincoln paul you you as a family you'd get nude no like me and my dad that's a family well my mom wasn't there so it wasn't weird uh i was also like four you know i do think that our my dad i think our friend pete hatfield would also be nude in there occasionally occasionally he's gonna i'm sure pete's gonna want his name believed oh pete no pete rules pete helped me moved at like 78 years old two years ago like no one showed up too most of the time oh and he's still got it still hanging birds were landed on that thing yeah what the fuck you were hey man it was it was 1987 it's a crazy time you know you don't remember it right yeah i do i remember the 80s okay what a 76 there was actually a article written back from nam my dad like stayed home to take care of me retreat yeah i was trying to convert he was at sandals in vietnam i don't know what they put in those bad times hedonism um the ripping and the tearing um jesus you guys took you guys made this a patreon episode quick no don't do that to me abort abort um okay so you and your dad how would that come about did you not have a bathing suit or was he like this is how you tub a couple of drinks probably first yeah a couple of my ties yeah Spanish fly. Dad turns the pineapple upside down. Just got back from the ABBA concert. Holy shit. That's crazy. Sammy, we're going to put on some BTO and get loose. Now, this hot tub was outside. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, and it was made of wood. My dad had a wooden hot tub, and we'd get in there and get splinters. Sounds like something from the 1800s. I mean, it was, dude. I grew up in a farmhouse that was built in like 1870, and behind the hot tub was all these cactuses, and my sister- I know where to run. Oh, nowhere to go. My sister would always- Nowhere to hide. Sit on the edge of the hot tub, and then she would fall. She fell off into the cactuses like three or four times. Jesus. Yeah, so that was a big part of hot tubbing. I was waiting for Sophie to tumble into the cacti. Good God. Yeah, it was bad, but it wasn't weird. No, it sounds completely normal. No underline how not weird it was. You, your dad, and Nate, he would get one with his schlong out? Yeah, but I don't remember. Do you have a good piece on him? I hope so. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I was a boy. Every piece was awesome when you're a boy. I remember seeing him, and he'd be like, God damn. One day, if I save up enough cock. I was always uncomfortable. Boy, was I wrong. I remember sharing with my dad once or twice. Yeah. In college. He was crashing at your dorm, right? He was at the frat house. Yeah. He was saving water in the shower. Once or twice, and I remember even then, I was like, eh, something, you know. Yeah. You're a nice guy and all, but this is crazy. I feel like there was something back when we were kids where you were, dads were like, you got to show your kid your dick. Mm-hmm. Just something. Just so they know that it gets better. Huh. You know? That's my assumption. Yeah, I remember it. My dad just made me sad. Fuck. Here's what I have to look forward to. Goddamn Irish curse. You get the 23 and me back and you're relieved. I believe I walked out of the bathroom saying, what's the point, huh? Yeah. Hey, Rodney. Hey, my dick gets no respect. I got to go to Dr. Vinny Boomba. He's not a pediatrician. Get a penile implant. I want to get that. I want to get juiced up. Well, the more weight you lose, the more penis you're going to have. He's going to have to lose 400 pounds more. No, I've been seeing that. It's great. Dude, I've been, it's a sexual renaissance. It is. It's all right. It's all right. And by that, I mean my penis is outside of my body. But still. Hanging out with the Medici. Rome wasn't built in the day. Apparently it started writing. Yes, it did. It started getting into art. Yeah, I let my dick lead on this one about the gay hitman. There you go. Hey, it's working. Forward by Sam's penis. This just tumbled out of me. It was like a fantasy. The research was fun. Kim was talking about aura frames. Aura, aura, aura. Just thinking about them the other day. Was it somebody's house? Guess what was sitting on the counter? Aura frame. Aura frame. Holidays are coming up. Keeping a family together with an aura frame. Get ahead of it. You know what's crazy? We take all these pictures and we don't use them. We never go back and look at them. 100%. You got an aura frame, you capture the moments in your life that mean something to you, and it's right there displayed. Oh my God, you remember that time you did the recital? It was amazing. Yeah. You played a tooth. You had a big head. Gang, do yourself a favor this holiday season. You can literally get an aura frame for everybody on your list. Yes. Your grandmother, your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, everybody. Aura frames is the way to go this holiday season. You've done it in about two minutes. Yes. Listen, I've done this for everybody in my life. My mom, my mother-in-law. I go, oh, here's the baby. Oh, good. Shut up. You send it. You preload it. You put a message on there. Life is full of tiny, amazing moments, and you can share those moments with aura frame, baby. Everyone in the family benefits. The kid loves seeing themselves on the frame if you got it at home. You know, your meemaw, your peepaw, whoever you got, your gaga, your nana, your nu-nu, they get to see the kids as well. Aura is the number one digital frame loved by millions of families, and their Black Friday Cyber Monday deal is the best of the year. Starting November 19th, visit auraframes.com to get up to $50 off select frames, plus an additional $5 off your order with the promo code garbage. That's aura, A-U-R-A, frames.com, promo code garbage. Support the show by mentioning us and check out terms and conditions apply. Do it. Bang. Kippy, do you need the greatest minds in the world to help you destroy your political enemies? Mm-hmm. Or a law to be passed to help your pet cause? Uh-huh. Well, then you need this shadowy group called Blip. Oh, boy. Just so we're clear, this isn't a real thing, obviously. It's a new comedy show called The Experts from the minds of Kurt Metzger and Brian Callen, produced by the Emergent Order Foundation. Yes, starring an amazing cast of actors and comedians and friends of ours. You got Kurt Metzger, Callen, Ryan Long, Jimmy Dore, Chloe LaBranche, Nick Callis, Hans Kim, and many more. The pilot just dropped on YouTube, and of course, it's insane and hilarious. You've probably already seen it. If you haven't, you've seen it popping up on your For You page. Check it out. Our band of bumbling operatives tried to ruin a normal, everyday woman who happens to be an activist trying to legalize drugs. You'll be shocked to hear that the things go wrong and chaos ensues. Go watch The Experts Declare War on Drugs, at The Experts HQ on YouTube. Do it. How long did it take you to write the book? Oh, like maybe less than two years. Nice. And I had an editor. I couldn't imagine doing anything. And is that eight hours a day, sitting there clacking away? A thousand words. I have to do a thousand words a day, and if that happens in three hours, that's great, and I'll keep going if I want to, but if it takes eight hours or ten hours, I do it. Huh. Yeah. That's the only way I can get anything done is that quantifiable number. I need to have the thousand words. Right. Yeah. You have to count them up? How many pages is a thousand words? Most of the time is actually counting. Yeah, as you're typing them? One, two, three. No, you can select all, and it'll tell you how many words there are. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I just got a laptop. Yeah, you put coal in it, it sounds like. It's a wood-burning thing. Yeah. I got that laptop. I know. I watch my Tubies on it when I'm going to bed. But he calls us gay porn. Yeah. My Tubies. A couple of tube steakies. You know what I mean? What I watched, I was watching The Magnificent Seven last night. That's where seven guys. Yeah. And boy, are they magnificent. Some would say magical. I prefer The Great Escape. More tunneling. He doesn't make it out. Yeah. I never get to the end of that movie. I keep crawling back in. Hey, guys, I'm over here. Yeah, my car won't start. Anyone needing their cigarettes lit, boys? Hank's back. Oh, that's so funny. That's awesome. Yeah. Fucking Carson kicks back. Yeah, this is great. Hey-oh. We'll be right back. Yeah. After these good words from Geritol. Ovaltine has something to say. Never an Ovaltine, man. No. I was a carnation instant breakfast guy. You have to do like two or three packets, but it was all right. It'd get there. Do you remember that they had like those drinks, the Weight Watchers drinks? Oh, Slim Fast. Yeah, Slim Fast. Yeah, we used to crush those. Like six of them. Yeah. I used to drink them like soda. I used to eat pretzels with them and do bite and sip on that. Delicious. Bite and sip. Yeah. On the Slim Fast. Yeah. Ooh, I love it. Dude, it's like chocolate milk and a fucking, a nice Herr's pretzel or something. Yeah, man. Salty and sweet. You guys are so lucky you grew up in pretzel culture. Dude, it's not even up here. Like you can't, you go into a Wawa down in Philadelphia, there's like 15 different varieties of pretzels. Special dark, regular dark, nibs, everything you got. Cheese stuffed. There's cheese stuffed, man. I like the, there's a company called Dots. Yeah. Out of North Dakota. Is that where they're from? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought they were in Wisconsin. I think Dots, I did a corporate for their company once in North Dakota. A corporate? Yeah. For Dots? Yeah. What's that family like? Kind of like Mennonite-y. Yeah. There's this weird kind of breed of like high plains mountain state person who like always has their shirt tucked in, even at a party, and like everything's real like. See, I don't trust that. Yeah, I hate that. Even at a party. Oh, dude, I hate a guy in the front row. If he has his shirt tucked in, I'll be like, hey, it's Saturday night. Pop those tails out. Yeah, dude. Easy. Yeah, but they paid well. Yeah. That's all that matters. Did they give you a bag of pretzels? I took the mystery box. And it was all pretzels. So I should have taken the check. But yeah, you know, it made the drive home. And now I got dust all over my fingers. It's always Quakers and Amish. It's always German. This is an old world take. Yeah. It's always goddamn Quakers. It's always Quakers. There's a lot of Quakers down in, there used to be a lot of Quakers down in Pennsylvania. The Quaker State. William Penn. Yeah, man. Is that where Quaker State's from? Yeah. William Penn was a Quaker. No, but Quaker State, the oil, that's from Pennsylvania? You're from the Quaker State. I know, but the Quaker State. I've never, I assume. I don't think it's a rival set. It's actually Quaker State and Lube? Yeah. No, not Quaker State and Lube. They got one of those at the Cleveland Airport, though. That place is delicious. It's right next to the subway, B5. I thought you know you're on the road too much when you're like, man. This is a pleasure. There is such a great lounge. Quaker. Shell bought them, but. Yeah, but where's the. Shell bought everybody. Jesus Christ. Shell owns this company. Derived from the nickname of Pennsylvania. Huh. This is a Shell Shell company. Shell Shell company. It is. I told you we should have got an oil and gas. Dude. So start fracking. My cousin made a lot of money fracking. You can buy land still in like Wyoming and the Dakotas. Just start fracking? And just frack the shit out of it? Yeah. I'd go in. I'm looking for someone to go in on like a nice little lake front house with me. Let's do it. I'd love to. I'm in. Seriously? Yeah, in Michigan, though. Michigan's far from me, though. You live in Michigan. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's not fair. Well, okay. Let's do the Poconos. You're bad at this. I know. How about Cleveland? Nice. Cleveland, you know what? We can maybe do it in between Cleveland and Detroit, and then we can all meet up there. I'm out. Yeah. I'm not going to fucking do it. I'm not. Well, hey, we're throwing a party, you know? Come by. Yeah. Swing by. You two can start whatever business you guys want. Oh, wait. I need someone to invest. Never mind. You're off. Yeah. Come back, please. I'm not even joking. I had to lend him $100 last week. That's not true. That is 100%. It was $1,000. It was $10. Where do you want to do it? The Ocean City Boardwalk? Yeah. If we can afford that. I mean, that's an expensive piece of property. Ocean City's a dry town, so you're always going to have to do it there. You got to smuggle. Yeah. If we do anything, we do Wildwood, but those houses now are going for like fucking two mil. I've heard about this Wildwood on this podcast so much. You've never been down there? No, no. Oh, we should. Dude, one day this summer, whenever you're relatively in town, hit me up. We'll go down. You can crash at the house. We'll drink our way through North Wildwood. I'd love to. Do a couple of Tully Nuts. Yeah. I'd love that. And maybe, hey. You're not coming. What? Let them come. Oh, yeah. We'll keep each other clean. Yeah. That's worked in the past. It'll be like Indianapolis all over again. I wasn't on drugs in Indianapolis. I was all jacked up on that race car fuel. What do you call eight Bloody Marys before nine? I think that's drug use. Sure. Yeah. Jewel was playing. What do you mean it though? We were crying. We were weeping as Jewel played. It was awesome. Man, we were three big boys back then. We were bumping around. I was thin at like 265. I was like, hey, what's up, fatties? You were a whisper of a man. Sparks. Sparks were flying off that car when you were going around the track. Oh, yeah. Kevin. I didn't get it. The bumper was dragging. I wasn't. I was trying to get what car was heavy. You were scratching around. I didn't know. I forgot I was in the race car. You were in a race car. I got you. Yeah, yeah. What a charm life you've led that you forgot you were in a race car at the Indy 500. Yeah. That's pretty good. That is pretty cool. I will. I was up at the paddock with the rich guy. Yeah. We were shaking our jewelry. They were saddling you up. You were eating free hot dogs in that place. Yeah. Let's go hang out at the. He wouldn't want to walk anywhere. Let's go hang out at the paddock. I like the paddock. It felt like I was in a watch. Yeah. Because it had that green coating on the outside. I felt like I was inside of a watch. Do you remember that rave? that goes on in the middle of the Indy 500. The snake pit. The snake pit. And they kept being like, so we went to the snake pit, and we just felt like three old men who were in the way. Which we were. Yeah, it was brutal. It was a real humbling situation to be out there with a bunch of ladies with pasties. And I'm like, is there a bathroom close by? I think I'm sunburned. Do you know where I can smoke? Yeah. How many of you girls have a NXIVM on you? Over Razzaparole. I found Adderall. I was just asking around for Adderall, and some guy was like, yeah, I got you, and dumped me out some. Did I give you any of that Adderall? Yeah, it was out of a plastic bag. What the fuck, man? You're holding out on fucking Skittles on me? It's crazy. You were going through something. No, I wasn't. I was still under the radar back then. Any time after 1982, you've been going through something. Going through somebody's purse. What? That's good. That's good. That's my favorite part of the show. It's in the book. He says something funny, and you don't sell it, and then you see him spiral quietly. It's crazy. I know. That's the only reason I'm here. Let's have the fun. Political attack is what it is, for my quicker beliefs. Yeah, right. You do it. Dude, you do it more than I do. Love a good ice. Put him in the ice box. Okay. All right. What has changed? In this country. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what it is. Everybody go vote. Somebody call my mom. She's got a couple ideas she wants to get off her chest. Patty is politically charged. Oh, man. Like a Tesla. You think my mom was livid? I was livid in Paris with some of her dates. She's dressed in yellow, riding a bicycle. What is the current living situation? I think the last time you were here, you had moved since. You're now in Michigan. Live in Michigan on the east side of Detroit. Beautiful home. What is that? The good side? Bad side? What's the east side? I don't know anything about Detroit. What's the water situation? Every side's good, man. We're right by the water. Oh, you mean as far as comes out of the sink? Yeah. Drinkable. Fine. Yeah. Denver actually has worse water than Flint, Michigan. Look that up. But yeah, no. I got this beautiful. I got this beautiful yard. I've been focusing a lot on the garden. It's very wholesome. What do you got in the garden? Oh, man. I got dahlias. I got zinnias. I got cosmos. I got geraniums. These are all strange weeds. Yeah, yeah. I got sucero-G. I got toxic ronny. Can you grow weed out there? Is it legal? Oh, yeah. I grew weed. Really? Yeah, I grew. Four of my plants didn't germinate, so I took them down, and then I finally smoked some of the weed that I grew. Whoa. And then I told you that I had to lay on the ground because I was having a panic attack. Yeah. That had something to do with that weed I grew. Nice. Yeah, it was a little too gnarly, so I think I'm going to make it into live rosin, but yeah. What's that? Oh, like the dabs? Ash, yeah, yeah. Whoa. Wait. Man, you're living a different life. So the plant doesn't- Maybe. You said germinate? You said what's changed. It didn't germinate? So, no, like- What, are they Italian? Man, you really forced that. Yeah. I thought of it at the time. I was going to say, take them to Italy. Yeah. I think we all did. I like how you brought it back, too. You're like, so germinate, huh? Hold on. And we're in. But no, yeah, some of them took on male seed, so they grew seeds, and then you don't want to smoke the ones with seeds. Oh. You got anything for take on male seed? A little male on male action. Yeah. Speaking of, Brut, available everywhere. Yeah, guys, go buy Brut right now. Buy it, order it, doesn't matter from where, right? Amazon? Anywhere you want. Go to your local DoorDash. You can DoorDash it. Can you? Yeah. Sick. Yeah, I know. You can DoorDash it. I love a hard copy. You know what I want for the soft cover is I want one of those classic six by four little like- Those brick books that you put in your back pocket. Yeah. Like Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Bingo. Yeah. I carried that around for like six months telling everybody I read it. I just kept my ass sitting there. I mean, you were the first performative male reader. Yes. Yeah, big on that. You had your big hole in your backyard for a minute, Kev, where your pool was. Yes, which I'm happy to say it's back. I know, but I hit you up and I said, you should do a wildflower prairie, and I'm pretty sure you passed out from rolling your eyes. Oh, yeah, you could have. Yeah. They were selling those online for a little while. while what or sorry on tv where you just would buy the the pack yeah yeah we could have done it my neighbor has a bunch of wild some which like they are they do kind of populate in my backyard through natural uh germination well you probably have goldenrod i'm talking real shit man yeah honeysuckle yeah but then uh oh yeah it just wasn't gonna happen yeah you might walk in your backyard and say this is beautiful fuck this yeah yeah do it every time i see your backyard when you post your like pool updates i'm like there's so much space yes we we do have a lot we have a very nice a nice piece of i got good lawn back there all i had i had big tree taken down and the crane fucked up now it's all mud big news over here planting muds very easy i got a mud farm get in there man i hate mud as we know as we know you got stuck yes yes but i do like flowers yeah you have a lot of stuff back there you should put in a bunch of like japanese cherry trees so when your kid graduates you can like have his graduation party and it looks like tokyo what wouldn't that be sick i'd rather go to tokyo you've been talking about going to tokyo we aren't just talking about going i'd go with you guys anytime you should pay for me and ian to go to vietnam okay what are you guys gonna get up to i don't know that's a good idea fucking go after a couple of sex addicts in vietnam all expenses paid yeah you just fuck each other here yeah you live in the same house yeah then you can get that lady to be mean to you while you do it um no it was he was supposed to go for 48 hours i said i would go if you i would fly you there right now if you fly for if you go go for the weekend and come back and what what are you going to do in this 48 hour weekend in vietnam i'd redo the uh the guys with parallel apocalypse now the guy that the guy that crawled for three days to take out that north vietnamese colonel yeah i'm talking about so you're gonna finish the job is what you're doing he fell he finished the job he crawled back i don't know just do a little you know those tunnels those tunnels were so small man that is my biggest fear being trapped in a tunnel in vietnam don't be being a tunnel rat in vietnam yeah my dad had the flashlight yeah he had this uh flashlight from vietnam had a little red light on it he's like that's what the tunnel rats would use when they'd go in i bet he had a fun name for that flashlight my mom did competed for a lot of affection i think it's great i think you send these guys to vietnam you know fingers crossed they come back come back yeah send luke with them luke's not up for that challenge at the moment they get a gopro that's about it yeah straight up the gopro don't strap it to your forehead put a gyro on that thing it's just a pov you and ian making out the whole time yeah i have it from well wearing both sides yes shoot the reverse of that um quit screwing around we got stuff to do over here in the building often it's brand new book proof if you just tune in yeah reset michelle if you just recharged your airpods you're joining us from the denver broncos san diego chargers real nail biter here in kansas city um what's what what is one product you would recommend for the good people out there could be an expensive product a cheap product something for travel something around the house a pillow something for the car just anything where you go this really does its job it's good it's nice a huge cutting board whoa a big heavy single piece of wood like that thick single slab it's smooth on top and on the bottom it still looks like the gnarly bark that really elevates any room it's in it does you put that on the counter doesn't matter if there's a bunch of other shit on there like if you're i listen to tom to car he's got 18 different things shout out to tom yeah shout out to tommy your wife sounds very busy so it's like you put that thing on the uh on the counter you can serve food you can do right you can do hors d'oeuvres on it you can do charcuterie right there you can serve drinks on it if you're outside also get a really nice blanket so you can like do picnics good one my my sister-in-law and my niece got me a blanket because i like riding my bike to the park and like reading and i was just coming home and my back would be stained with dirt sure i roll around like a pig and they got me a blanket i lay that blanket down i think of them yeah it's nice now is the blanket uh like water more waterproof on one side yeah and it's cool you go to the park i go to the park it's right by the water in my neighborhood why don't you just sit in your backyard because i want to i like in the summer i like to go get in the lake go swimming yeah yeah what lake is that uh i don't it's michigan it feeds in and the detroit river feeds into it so you know you're rolling the dice but i like to get in the water get out read get back in the water read so like the blanket was a nice smell when you get out of that water oh yeah for sure that's got to be bad news it's probably all round up in hey it's not gonna be the lake that gets me all right i've rolled enough dice it's gonna be one of those tunnels in vietnam oh yeah if if you know if things start making sense in this country if we go back to finish the job you know what i mean uh-huh okay this took a hard right you guys should be the anti-vietnam podcast i think there's money in that anti-vietnam like anti like let's go back the entire war anti the country yeah yeah and they came to us first and we're back guys guys yeah no i think that just like little things that elevate your daily experience it doesn't need to be like a watch or whatever no no that's what i'm looking for something where for 20 bucks 30 bucks you can do something and it's a nice it makes that much better 10 better a nice vase like a nice receptacle it could just be like a really nice old ball glass like a ball jar yeah like i like to go antiquing with like my wife or whatever and you just like yeah you like find a vessel and then you're like man i want to put flowers in that i have flowers in every room in the house you do yeah i do a lot of cut flowers from the garden from your garden yeah yeah okay it's like give me a typical day you're off the road the book's done right it's the summertime is she she's working most of the time she's at work every day i wake up i walk the dog what time you up uh i like to wake up probably between 10 and 11 this is actually very interesting it's like when they ask hunter s thompson what his oh yeah there's a lot less uh ketamine involved in my day yeah you mean starting a day a couple crown royals dude shivas he would be drinking shivas in the morning right yeah so i like to wake up walk the dog and then do immediate stuff in the garden before i look at my phone uh so i like my body works the phone yet no i hate the phone hate the phone's the enemy of joy enemy of joy the phone has replaced the world and the world's the best thing there is and now we're stuck staring into our fucking rectangle void all the time and it sucks yes so yeah i don't like the phone i like to go get upside get outside do whatever i have to do around the house and then i'll do like emails and shit and then uh whatever projects i have i like to do immediately and then i like to make you know lunch or dinner wife will come home watch three to five hours of law and order svu what about breakfast uh i'm not a big breakfast guy really like coffee i wait i make coffee for my wife how you making coffee uh just one of those classic big pots you know nothing fancy because i set it for my wife in the morning yeah at night she wakes up has it and then i have whatever's left over oh it's ready to go when she gets downstairs yeah yeah i like that yeah i mean it's a little thing you know yeah but i just you're a sweet boy i really love being a good teammate i think a big part of being hit me on a in a good marriage is to think about it as a team and like i'm the offensive line she's the fucking write this down this will be good for you teammate yeah spelled it wrong yeah it's like i want to do all the blocking and i want her to get all of the love and admiration and like i don't care if anyone knows it's because i've been you know you're watching film all week yeah exactly yeah i like that when i would get locked out i would go sleep in the car yeah it's not bad yeah it's a good move it's a good team it's your car on paper sure yeah call that a road game yeah luke from downtown pink mist is there anything i can do to make her shit easier because i'm blowing it constantly right i i do yes i did that last night or this morning maybe uh it was a few hours ago uh what did you do now you just it was last night you're tight in your head and just i'm going i need to she does so much with the baby and i'm here i'm working it's like you know it's so easy to fall in the trap i'm doing this and i'm doing that it's like yeah but i've so needed to lean on her at times for stuff that i'm like i can i can give that feeling back when she goes oh i've done this i'm like i can i need to focus on not that it's a to-do list it's a to-do on my list it's i'm taking something off hers i'm not fucking her over yes because like all that she does so much shit that benefits me yeah and i'm always like i'm busy i'm doing stuff too and it's like none of it helps her at all you know welcome to the club and dude it's like we uh on sunday i'm leaving on sunday at night to go to austin but i have football and i wake up in my own house on a sunday and it's so rare and beautiful so she knows i want to watch football she's all good with it and she's like at halftime i just need you to go outside and help me with this hot tub what the fuck all right first of all take your pants off we gotta get in the hot tub we gotta get in the hot tub your dad flew in yeah what did you need to do yeah pete's on skype he's naked yeah it's just his cock i thought it'd be bigger oh sammy see not much has changed oh there's our little guy yeah oh earwig talent but yeah so at halftime we're outside and i was mad because it wasn't just halftime for the lions game it was also red zones on all right so i got some action that isn't just the lions game honey so she red zone action red zone high dollar action and it's you can't lose if you you know unless you don't play so that's draft kings yeah i don't know who sponsors you now i don't know either yeah kit what do you know about draft draft kings let me tell you this football has a way of turning one game into a full week conversation as you know and draft kings keeps you close to it all draft king sports app is now available in all 50 states it's live baby yes follow the teams you love keep up with the biggest games and experience the excitement of football all week long yes one app every sport all 50 states let's go new draft kings customers sign up with code ayg spend just five bucks and get 200 in rewards within 21 days includes all markets that's code ayg in partnership with draft kings the crown is yours bet with dk sports book you got a gambling problem call 1-800 gambler 1-800 my reset in connecticut call 888-878-9777 visit ccpg.org on behalf of boot hill casino in kansas bet tax pass through may apply in illinois 21 plus void in canada event con contract trading with the draft kings predictions involves risk of loss availability varies predictions offer void in new york bet to get bonus bets that expire in seven days trade to get prediction dollars that expire in one year fifty dollars in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for 21 days one non-withdrawable reward redeemable terms at dkng.co slash offer limited time offer nationwide based on sportsbook conditions and free to play sports contest availability varies by state now back to the show whoo kippy yelled it home run kip let's talk about quince you know the best pieces in your closet are the ones you can count on now you know slim it down a little bit in the market for some new stuff yeah go to quince yes reliable yes that's the kind of stuff you want whether you're heading to work going out or keeping things casual and this time of year quince makes finding something great for everyone else just as easy see a little holiday season's coming up you want to get somebody a nice gift what do you do head over to quince let's go to quince i'm not even i'm not even messing around with you my wife i don't i guess she's not watching the program i don't know what's going on the other day quince she calls me in funny and goes do you like these and i'm not even joking she shows me the 100 percent mongolian cashmere sweaters and going i'm thinking of getting these do i know it i said lady i can tell from here that's 100 percent mongolian cashmere percent boom we got him i said throw promo code go listen let's go let's get to it look at you we're using it while he's using it doesn't even know that's how good quince is it's good stuff uh give the gift of quality this holiday season download the quince app for an app exclusive offers or go to quince.com get free shipping on your order with 365 day returns which is huge by the way now available in canada and the uk as well let's go when you when quince asks how you heard about him let them know that are you garbage sent you it's the best way to support the show do it yeah but yeah so she she went inside and she came back out and when she came back out i was holding up the lid and i said this isn't watching football and she went why are you such i'm not myself dude such a dick for no fucking reason and i never do that shit because i know what's gonna happen is the rest of the day is now cold war yeah and immediately i'm like us versus vietnam all over oh yeah yeah but hey one of us has nukes how you doing but yeah so then immediately as soon as i say it i'm like oh no what have i done and she's like yeah what the fuck and then she's mad at me and then i'm like come on love me again oh that tap dance to winter you go immediately in the comedy after you after you say something like that no i try to be tough and the whole time i'm like bleeding because the inside of my i'm like biting the inside of my mouth you know i go immediately in the comedy yeah oh i tried that she knows all my tricks she's seen all my bits she's been following me since vaudeville i always find myself like putting like clothes from one receptacle what the fuck yeah i'm not doing i'm not putting up with and then i go back like what are you doing she does all the laundry she folds it and then she's like would you put your stuff away and i'm like oh great sure i don't cut the lawn too yeah fucking sucks i like doing laundry now i do it at a laundry mat i like cutting the lawn yeah yeah get a rider or uh push i have one of those a weed whacker yeah yeah weed whacker how big is the yard it's pretty big that's crazy you're doing the weed that's the trashiest answer we've ever that's something i would do at 14 grass with a weed whacker i'll tell you why because i've tried death i had to pawn the riding mower uh no it's because there's clover in my yard too and i want to cut the grass down to the same level as the clover so that's why i'm using the weed whacker because i want the clover to replace the grass but you want the clover to replace i want all grass i want all clover back there yeah can you seed that or no i do seed it but uh seed clover i just throw it right on top yeah i thought that was weeds is a clover a weed clover is a nitrogen fixer for the weed whacker that's why it's called the weed whacker because it's good for your lawn and it also also if you do white dutch clover it'll bloom and it's very good for pollinators it pants out for a couple days too yeah yeah don't smoke it out of a pop can get an eighth of it yeah wake up your underwear is on backwards it's like 50 a quarter someone shit my pants clover smells good when you cut it dude yeah i mean that sweet smell the more that our lives have removed us from anything real or palpable the more i've just been like wanting to be in the yard you know just like in the dirt like actually seeing it in the dirt like seeing gradual improvements to the things i've done because most of our lives are fucking empty and we have to do a bunch of shit that's boring and like embarrassing as comedians you know at least that's my opinion we'll be at gotham next week yeah hey come see me at philly helium i'm gonna be there kevin's doing a guest set i picture the um i didn't want to but i just said he had apparently every night yeah he's hosting too i'll host he's closing the late shows i'll host no shane o'connor would kill you i already said shane o'connor could host who's shane o'connor uh-oh that's gonna be a big one i'm gonna hurt him worse oh i'm sorry love you buddy i love you shane i'm just joking it's a comedy podcast you're not beating the me's are you i brought up because if he is then we have a bro turn it off i i brought up sagalo on rogan yesterday and he went i don't know who that is and i thought oh no you're a new sag daddy to god is i don't know what to tell you buddy crack a fucking newspaper pro sag daddy over here i tried to bring him up on the the biggest show and he's like i'm unfamiliar and i was like oh i hope sagalo doesn't hear this uh he's the voice of a newspaper generation he has huge arms sagalo he posted a shirtless photo with crusher yeah he looks like a mutoid man Is he getting jacked? Getting buffed? He looks like the body that Krang hid inside of in Ninja Turtles. Oh, that's Shane O'Connor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know him. I believe it. Shout out to you, Shane. Have a great weekend, pal. We love you. I'll see you next week. Kevin's hosting. We got to sell some tickets, Shane. I'll just be doing the meet and greet. You're a nobody. I'm going to be staying with you for a couple of weeks. He's selling my t-shirts. Yeah, I'm not trying to be a bummer, man, but that's why I like gardening. No, 100%. I noticed that this weekend, I was in the Burbs with the boy and just out in the backyard. And just the smell, it's like the autumn. It's that time. And I haven't, you know, the past 20 years I've been living in the city. So it's like I haven't felt that kind of cold, dry, grass, dirt. Like the summer's passed and it's that just like there's a, you know, and he was playing with the grass and the dirt. And I'm like, I remembered that smell of the leaves of playing in a leaf pile. And it was like, it hit me with that. I was like, oh, that is. Like before all the phones and everything, it was just like this is a real tangible moment. Oh, dude. And like Halloween, is there a better time than Halloween when you're in the Burbs and everyone's happy and you're out there and you're meeting your neighbors, you know? Right. I was dressed like a woman last year and I met all my neighbors for the first time. And that was. This guy's a freak. Well, my niece wanted us to be Beetlejuice. So I had to be Beetlejuice's wife. Mostly because she wanted to see me in makeup and a wig. Who was Beetlejuice's wife? I don't know, dude. These six-year-olds are fucking high. You mean Catherine O'Hara? No, no. That was that other guy's wife. Yeah. Who was conveniently edited out of the sequel. I don't know what we're talking about. The guy from Ferris Bueller. Let's just say. Ben Stein? No. I'm trying to win his money. Sorry. My friend Jake likes to watch old Ben Stein's money on YouTube. Which I loved at the time. Does it hold up? It was probably a great show. It's good. Kimmel? Yeah. And he's also horny. Ben Stein's always flirty. A bit of a freak? Oh, dude. He's like, I bet you'd like to open my notebook. That was the 90s, though. That was wild. I think he was trading ass for pass. Sure. You think so? Oh, yeah. And he only really won like 12 grand or something, right? No, you win like $800. Yeah. It was like, yeah. Which was 12 grand in 1999. Yikes. Jewish game show hosts. That's what you get, huh? Oh! Come on. We're having a good time. Whoa. This guy was trashed in a good country, Vietnam, by the way. Hey, listen. Vietnam doesn't get trashed. This man doesn't get trashed. This man doesn't have wildflowers. Vietnam doesn't control the media, okay? You want that Patreon check to go through this month. You play fucking ball, okay? Yeah, you want to manufacture scotch tape, you got to bend down to the Vietnamese. It's all made over there. If Vietnam could have got their hands on the weather, things would have been a little bit easier. Maybe they would have won the war. They did win the war. Some of us didn't. Not all of us came home, Kevin. My dad didn't. Yeah, he did. Eventually, it got him. I'll just sell insurance. Goddamn Agent Orange. Agent Orange. Agent Orange Chicken. Yeah. Hey, I like a P.F. Chang's as much as the next fella. But what the fuck? I'm going to put my foot down. I'm a goddamn patriot at the end of the day. Agent Orange Chicken was a quick work, I must say. Yeah, man. That's why you're the king, kid. I had some General Tso's just two nights ago. Then I had it for breakfast the next day. Delicious. You had breakfast, General Tso's? I did. Yeah? Yeah, cold. I like it cold. You're not eating the rice cold, though. You're not leaving the rice out? No. That's a great question, Sam. Good, good. Thanks for stopping by. SamTalent.com, son. I eat the chicken out of the to-go container. Oh, my God. No one cares. I can't let you finish. No. I cannot. Luke, cut their mics. I cannot let you finish. And make it rain over there. This is not why I flew in. See, you know what? I ate two pieces, and then I put it away, and 50 minutes later, I'm over it. The chicken, except for the ones that are coated in rice, I just throw those out or give them to the dog. I like to do a bite and sip with the Slim Fest. And then I heat the rice up in a bowl in the microwave, and then I have that. But it has all the General Tso's sauce in it. Sure. And maybe a crispy or two. This is how I win. Yes. Then I eat the shrimp roll. I eat that cold. Do it in a pan. Do the rice in a pan. Nah. You get fried rice. Nah. Can't do it. I don't like triple fried rice. That's too crunchy. Oh, it's already fried? Of course it's already fried. Oh, cool. I thought it was just white rice. My wife doesn't let us eat fun stuff anymore. What? Yeah. You got to get Chinese food with white rice? Oh, if we get Chinese food, I do it and eat it in the car. I don't get Chinese food. That's how the Korean War started. Well, and you know what? The North said white, and the South was like, we're going to fry it up and put some chicken in there. And they freaked out. It's never been the same since. That's what the DMZ is all about. I don't know what the hell they're doing. I'm going to get Dennis Rodman on the phone. Get him over there. He'll fry it up. I think they're beefing now, right? He's dead. Yeah. Not Dennis Rodman. No, the worm lives forever. Kim Jong-un is dead. Yeah. Is he? That's what they're saying. My condolences. It's been months now. Patreon's going to go under. He's not calling me back. I think he was behind it. Sam Yam, South Korean, I think. Oh. Sam Yam. Shout out to him. Shout out to Jack Conte and Sam Yam. The boys. We got them somewhere. Right up there on top. On top. That's Skeletor, stupid. Who's this boy? Start a rumble. That's me. That's you? Yeah. Oh. I'm putting there and there. I'm on the set twice. You ever seen a head that size on a kid? That's a huge fucking head. It's crazy, right? A lot of brain power in here. That's where you come up with Asian chicken. The majority of your head starts above your eyebrows in that photo. Okay, we're moving on. Are you wearing a wig? Like a young Alec Baldwin. Well, I do not like the way this turned. Look at Hank. He's got a big head. That's a normal-sized head right there. Look at that kid right there. Yeah. That ain't a normal-sized pee-pee, though, I'm saying. Hey, son of a bitch. The tie makes it look small. He's bottomless in that photo. I think I was. Catholic school. What are you going to do? Had to graduate. Yeah, I've always wondered who that boy is. That kid has got his whole life in front of him. No, he does not. That senior year of high school, that guy had his whole life behind him. Ooh, went downhill from there quick. Yikes. Turns out lacrosse is not the way out of the ghetto. I should have joined the Army. No, no, no, no. And the Marines. So you can join the other side, you fucking turncoat. Just to get back to it. To Vietnam, to defect. Yeah, my dad said this place was cool. He said the chicks are pretty smooth. He said the chicks got huge dicks. You guys make bologna sandwiches with pate? I'm in. No, I'm with you. Delicious? Yeah. A holdover from colonialism. Yes. And they say it's bad. We wouldn't have pho without colonialism. That's crazy. Is that true? Yeah. The French had something to do with that? Pho, pot of pho, is a French dish. And pho, P-H-O, was just the approximation that they made over there in Vietnam. Huh. That's goddamn delicious. Not really a funny fact, but a fact. You ever been to Vietnam? No, I haven't. You've only been to Japan, right? Been to Japan, yeah. I did a layover in Singapore, but I set foot. That was it. Didn't spit on the ground. Did a layover in Delaware one night. I want to say, if we do this trip down to OB or whatever. What's OB? I don't know. Ocean Beach. Oh, yeah. We have to do a show in Delaware while I'm there. Because I've never done a show in Delaware. At the Starboard in Dewey Beach? It's the only state I haven't performed in. Listen, this summer, we'll be at the Starboard in Dewey Beach. Yeah. It's a, I think it's like a. Wait, we are? No, we can. Let's do it as a team. Yeah. It'll be fun. Bring your lady down. You bring your kid or your lady, one or the other. Okay. All right. Well, my kid opens for us now. We can stay at the Ocean Motel there. Ocean Hotel, across the street from the Starboard. It's very nice. Let's rent the whole hotel, too. How much will that be? Like $800? I don't know. I feel like I'm going to take a bath on this trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, we can do Delaware. We can set something up in Delaware. That'd be fun. We can spend more time. Luke, call my therapist. I need to mulligan. And we can take the ferry from New Jersey, from Cape May to Delaware. We're already taking a ferry, right? Hey, Luke's coming. Luke will be there. Come on. Hey, Dan. I wish I had a how you doing. You're going to be lucky that you got the hey, Dan. Hey, Dan. Well, that was, I mean, that's really from a little moe that we then started saying on the road. Hey, Dan. Hey, Dan. Hey, Dan. And it just changed to really co-opted it. So you're all stealing bits. That's good. That's good. Obviously. Is anything original anymore? This book. It's all AI. This book about a hitman in Paris doing one last job. That's right, it is. No one's ever done this before. I've seen that a thousand times. It's a bestseller. Yeah, national bestseller. National bestseller. Immediate. Yeah. Look at that. Beautiful. I'd love to see it. But no one cares about books. That's the issue. That's not true. That's not what I hear. This generation, these kids are all starting to read again. All right. Multiple, listen, nobody has ever texted me, hey, I like this book. This book. This book is good. Multiple people, maybe because we're pals, but have texted me, this book is great. Read it. No one's ever recommended a book. Shout out Pat. Shout out Pat. Yeah. I'm reading a book right now. Uh-huh. Yeah. How to apologize? Let me tell you, he hasn't cracked that thing open yet. They call it the big book. I'm not there yet, dickhead. I can't wait for step nine. How many episodes is that going to be? You should just do step nine as like a Patreon series. You have to do it in inventory of the things you've done. Oh, yeah. You love doing inventory. Inventories. Oh, I know. That'll be fun. Yikes. Yuck. Look at all your yada yadas in there. Yeah. Is that the other thing? Uh-huh. You know. You know. Don't make me fucking spell it out for you. We were both there. Don't make me spell it out for you. You know what I'm talking about? What are you, a handful of Momo? You know what I'm saying? I was banging him. We're all fucking adults here. Don't make me fucking, oh my, don't. Fucking phony soprano over here. Phony soprano. Now that's funny. You just wrote opener under it, too. New And closer You know that joke From 20 minutes ago Cause I only do 20 It's 17 and a half I'll be in the groove Someone's going He's doing the funeral But you're like Jesus fucking Christ I just got out of bed I was in a bad headspace That's all behind us now Oh yeah Come see us at Gotham I had a guy Great shows I had a guy open for me At the Virginia Beach Funny Zone I hate that fucking Oh my god Dude we sold it out And bombed Everybody bombed Yeah To the point where We got all excited Like this is We've never done So there in Syracuse We bombing And then at Virginia They go That's the best show I've ever seen in my life I'm like he could've Fucking told me He could've smiled once Once Yeah Turn the lights on in here No this guy My buddy Nathan Couldn't open So he's like Hey I'm opening for you And I got a lot to say And I was like okay Oh that's a bad Bad sign That's like the handshake I got a lot to say And I was like oh yeah Alright well You're doing 20 And he's like yeah Alright And then he reveals That he just found out He's getting divorced And then he went up there Did you have Henry Open up for you No cause this guy I'm H. Foley And I got a lot to say No this guy went long So How much time Do you think this guy did Who had a lot to say Who was just getting divorced He's supposed to do 20 7 minutes 25 36 36 minutes And he wasn't killing And then I had to get up That's so old How long was someone doing bad It's so long And he did the slow Confident walk to the stage too And I'm watching him like Oh this guy's gonna be great And then God bless him Don't you I don't have that in me I do I did too We I don't It wasn't I wanna get the hell out of here Oh yeah It was Albany It was somewhere where We couldn't Take a host So it had to be a flying gig Cause there was a time when We wouldn't fly out The host Yeah And we just had to take Whoever was there And this This guy Was sharing the green room With them And it's like You go There'll be the club guy Who's that local guy It's their green room They've been in that green room A hundred times You're new They've written their name On the wall 46 times With the date of every time They were there He had a show shirt He had a show shirt So dude he's Takes his Which was the same shirt He was wearing Takes his shirt off Puts his show shirt on And I'm like This guy is gonna Obviously Murder Like and you're like Bury us Fuck he's gonna He's this guy Knows the room The local Like he's He knows the mechanics Of the room This guy's A competent professional He bombed Without An inkling Of how bad He was actually doing It was like He was in a vacuum Just performing And you went I could never Ever have that To where you just go How do you not know What's going on How do you have that confidence Imagine steaming A shirt going This is the show shirt I always I always think I'm bombing That's good though Yeah That's better Most comics think They get off and they go Even when you do really well You went I fooled them Like got by How about this This is one of my favorite Combinations in stand up White host Typically like a 24 year old boy He goes long And then you have The black sound professional Coming in to reprimand him For going long That is maybe my favorite Thing to witness Sure yeah I just had it At the comedy club Of Kansas City The host went And did like 17 Supposed to do 10 Whoa He came in So my buddy Nathan Walks out And as they do the handshake He says You're fired So the kid comes into The green room all stressed And I say Hey give me your shoes Where do you I'm joking He's a friend I'm joking I'm like Give me your shoes And he's like What I was like Take your shoes off And I give him And I look at the bottom Feel his shoes And I'm like Doesn't seem to be Covered in tar or honey Why were you stuck up there So long It's good Yeah it's fun And I say Hey I'm not mad Don't worry It's all good And then the sound Professional comes in And I'm like Oh yeah He went a little long And she says Mr. Talent Can I say What I have to say And I was like Please And she's like Your dumb ass Did 17 minutes up there You should have been Looking for the light at 6 You're fucking bombing What are you talking about How are you up there so long Oh yeah And I'm dying I kind of like that It was awesome That's awesome Alright that was me I told you I had 17 Good or bad I'd still 17 I like that though And it was barbecue sauce On my shoes Not honey And it was white barbecue sauce Honey barbecue sauce I don't get that White barbecue No It's the best on chicken It's a vinegar and mayonnaise I think I don't get that It's good on chicken Something seems wrong about that It kind of has A viscosity That's mostly for Bathhouse floors But still We did We had that in Atlanta We went to that Barbecue with KCB I think it was Atlanta It's good No Nashville Alabama white We went to that barbecue Yeah Where'd that come from What you need like You want it to look red Like it needs to be I just think it's fucked up It's like You're fucking over Barbecue sauce now I mean that might have Been there longer Than barbecue sauce That's like Balsamic vinegar Where the fuck Did that come from Kevin just keeps Refreshing the AYG Analytics page On YouTube No I didn't Refresh it at all Check my cookie history What's that Don't check my Cookie history I got in late Last night And ate a whole Box of cereal Nice What kind of cereal Some weird cereal They had at the bodega That I'd never heard of Talk to me It was called It was called Branberry And it was like Bran flakes That have blueberry In it And I was like This looks healthy Who made it I have no idea I got it right here It was Yeah look Branberry Antioxidant Rich Oh you were at a nice You were at a nice bodega It was the one Across the street You were at a market I was at a market Maybe Market Yes There were still A lot of people In there on speakerphone Dude they even The color scheme Of this box Yeah man I ate a whole box Of that With onyx sorghum And a whole Jug of milk So I got in Separately or in a No I mixed them Okay Yeah Psychopath How do you eat cereal I don't know I don't know why That took me a minute Yeah You alright You have a fever You got a little God damn fever It's a god damn B in the me's Refresh the page buddy What the fuck is onyx Sorghum I just said that Sorghum is again Back to the Mennonites That was the name Of the sound guy Is it Yeah Sorghum is kind of like Gonna learn all about it In Brut That Mennonite Sorghum's not Mennonite It's a chemical No sorghum is Like what's that Oh that was the bad guy Ghostbusters 2 Sorghum Sorghum the Carpathian It's an antioxidant Rich grain Developed by plant breeders At Texas A&M University And you can make it Into syrup right Sex with Plants I'm sure Germination No breathing I thought You know what I thought You were gonna have Was Crave You ever have Crave I've had Crave They're pretty good Is Crave the protein cereal I don't know No it's got chocolate In the center Crave's 2CB Yeah Luke has a bunch In his pocket That designer shit In San Diego It's what they were doing In New Jackson No pills No powders When it comes to ground We gotta play Crave daddy Crave's alright Crave Crave sounds like a drug From a movie Can I be honest with you The kids are on Crave Don't do it You're all hopped up on Crave Can I be honest with you And I'm glad you said I'm glad you had the The strength and the courage And I commend you for saying that Yes I don't think it's that crazy For a grown man If he is hungry And it is a regular sized Box of cereal To crush that entire box I couldn't be In more agreement with you And also if you have A big old bowl It's fun If you can get a bowl That's like this big And you just Dump the box in there Put all the milk And then you have to walk around Eating it like this Like you're scooping guts Out of a pumpkin I like that phenomenon You know what's great too When the cereal Under the milk line Gets soggy And there's still Those little crunchies on top Oh my god When you get the scabs On the rice checks But the bottom Oh and it's all mushy I love a rice check It's my favorite I love a rice check With some sorghum on there maybe I'm not sure Yeah sure Yeah we'll see I like a little white barbecue sauce A little bit of Corinthian Sprinkled on there Very good Yeah I like that I'm I'm with you Who's policing our cereal eating And also I'm not eating cereal every day Yeah I had a very stressful day Where I flew in I wake up I gotta eat some cereal It's the best thing You named You named two things And one of them was waking up It was tough First of all I gotta wake up Nobody wants to do that Have you been asleep It's pretty sick It's pretty Alright It's way cooler than being awake Yeah it's one of the better ways To be alive Sure Sleeping yes But no so I did Rogan yesterday So I Sure So I flew in from that here And then was like I didn't have any pot Couldn't find any pot When I got in Get me sorghum Get me sorghum Or give me death Also referring to it as pot That's old soul stuff I'm an old man dude Just smoke some pot Yeah You didn't bring any with you from I have a pen But I want a little reefer When I hit you know You don't got a plug Hit up Luke Yeah Luke Luke won't give me his number You couldn't find weed in New York City At 2.30 in the morning Whenever it was No But you found sorghum I found some other cool stuff That's crazy What'd you find I'll talk to you afterward No no you won't No you will not Sam Some of that crazy Let's just say Tompkins Square is alive Sure it is Good cruising spots As you bump into Diesel out there Oh yeah Diesel was out there Turning tricks Diesel Tompkins Square is diesel territory It's where he hangs Very diesel territory Yeah he hangs from the chin up party When he press girls We gotta wrap it up I think you gotta get out of here Yeah I don't gotta go anywhere I gotta do some dumb show That they tricked me into doing Cause they said you did it Don't blame me for this No I'm sure it's great You did The show where you drink And I don't drink You don't drink anymore No Oh I didn't know You quit drinking Yeah Let's go Yeah I'm a big pothead But I don't drink Ooh Big relapse In Wildwood, New Jersey Coming this summer I do I will drink If I I was on a vineyard With my wife in New Zealand And the owner of the vineyard Was like Have a glass of this wine It's my favorite I've ever made And I was like Duh Got any reefer Yeah Hey You got any grass pops I'm trying to get lifted You got any doobage Any so gum Gang the new book Brute That's the whole Mr. Sam Talent National best seller Philadelphia I'll be at Helium Yes Denver Comedy Works I'm gonna be - If you'll have me, I'll pop in. - I'd love to have you. It smells smart. Royal Oak. I'm going to film my shows in Royal Oak and put that out at the end of the year. So yeah, get your tickets. Hartford. You know how much we love you? How? Do you know how much? Yeah, no, it's mutual, bro. I love you guys. We love you so much. We're so proud of you. Thank you. And so happy for your success. Thanks. And also, you have lost weight, too, and you look good. Thank you. I don't think anyone ever says that to me. No, it's fair. It's okay. I tell you all the time, I always give you compliments. We need to get some fucking weight on this guy. I'm trying. This ghoul over here, old Click Clack. Oh, yeah, you pill head. Parents does not take drugs. Yeah, I do. He steals them. Gang, Sam, we love you. Yeah, love you, Sammy. Kippy, I love you. I love you. Luke, I love you, buddy. Gang, we'll see you in three days, and we love you. Peace. Peace.