The Horny Hotline w/ Joe DeRosa | Your Mom's House Ep. 873

[MUSIC] >> Hello, welcome to your mom's house. I'm your host, Christina P. And with me is one of your new step dads. Joe DeRosa, everybody. >> How you doing? >> I'm excited for you. Your Netflix special comes out today. >> It's out already. >> Congrats. >> I heard it's doing well. I heard you're crushing. >> I hear it's number one. >> [LAUGH] >> It was at number one. You guys missed it. >> Yeah, what? >> It was at number one a couple days ago. >> Amazing. >> Thank you. It's kind of wild to, cuz I did the, it released a year ago on my YouTube. And it was a real grassroots thing. My cousin Jeff, he peed it and put up the money. And we hired an amazing crew, Eric Abrams and Jordan Levy. >> No, Eric, yeah, he did my first one. Matt Schuller, all the- >> Schuller, how I love Matt Schuller, yeah? >> Yeah, all the dogs. And then my management team, Forza, Emilio, Scott, Nick, Claire, we're all involved. And they have a record label. So Scott did pinch records and Scott did all the audio. It was a very family affair. And everybody worked extra hard and more than fair rates. So we could get it done on a very shoestring budget. And I was very proud of it. And I was, I directed it and I was, it was really a reward. >> That's a lot to direct and star in your own special. >> That's why Eric Abrams is the best. Because he's the guy, the second time I've worked with him, where I directed my special and I had him around to help me kind of just. You know, he does other stuff too as a producer, but I mean he's the guy to have. When you're like, here's the vision, here's what we're doing. He gets it and you go, I'm not gonna be able to see any of it. And he knows like, he's like, we got it, we got what you need. You know, so he's the best. But anyway, they're all great. And anyway, to put it out and for it to get such nice support from the comedy community, both the people that watched it and other comedians, what was really amazing. And then for that to go to Netflix is a very odd thing. >> So fast. >> It feels like, you know, like you made a little indie movie or something. >> And then you win in the end. >> And also too, like we're all, you know, I think a lot of us feel really inspired by watching what these guys just did with back rooms and obsession. And you know, they made these laborers of love and they went on to be such successes. And I'm a huge hard movie fan. And those movies came out for me at the right time when I needed to see, as we all see AI kind of taking over and content creation just out of control. And this structure of this industry that we all kind of started under not there anymore. >> That's so great. I think God, it's not there anymore. >> Isn't that great that you can just like have talent and do it your way? And then, hey, man, guess what? Turns out you're fucking funny. >> Yeah. >> Now Netflix picks you. Are you okay, you're setting my ship on fire? >> I kicked a cord, I think it's fine. Sorry. >> It's good for you, you know, that's how it should be done. >> Well, and those guys too, it's like it's cool to see somebody use the industry in a way that it was supposed to be used, where it wasn't always supposed to just be. It got to a point, I'm not knocking any of it. Like I watch popcorn movies all the time. But it got to a point where all it was was like the superhero stuff and Star Wars, where. And they were walled to a whole cast with like massive celebrities, you know. You go to see, and I'm not knocking the Marvel movies, but it's like you go to see a new Marvel movie and it's like 20 of the most famous people. >> I know. >> And you kind of start to feel like, well, I don't have a shot to do any of this. So when you see somebody do something indie like obsession with people that aren't known and it gets picked up and then it's so successful, you go, wait, that is still possible. You can still do it. >> Yeah, dude, you know who I loved the most in the 90s was Kevin Smith. >> Yeah. >> When he would do like clerks and then I got to do a pilot with him like 10 or 15 years ago. >> That's cool. >> And you're like, that's the way, it's still too low, hold on, me on, me on, me on, me on, me on, okay. Anyway, I fix it. >> That's the way. >> And you're like, that's how people would do it. You would just find a fucking way to make a movie and you hope for the best and if it's good, people notice. And that's how it goes. >> You know, it's so funny because of the impractical jokers. >> Love those guys. >> For another great example of them, right. You know, Sal and I became very close and then through Sal, Q and I became very close. I'm very good friends with Joe and Merr and, you know, the, but through, oh, because Kevin Smith, sorry, because Q has a podcast called Tell 'em Steve Dave and then through Q, I started to become friends with Brian Johnson and a bunch of guys from and Ming and, and these guys from the Kevin Smith universe. >> I love it. >> That I watched and I would always be like, I feel like I should be friends with those guys. >> Yeah. >> Kevin Smith's friends are my friends, they just don't know me yet and then you become friends with them and-- >> It's crazy. It's crazy. Well listen, we're getting all over the place. We haven't even opened the show properly because I'm, I'm just so excited to see you. You know, I love you. >> I love you. >> And I'm so happy you're here. What are you drinking? >> It's just coffee. This is one of the only times I'm the person not drinking. >> Yeah. What's-- I mean, look, mom's in her divorce here. I'm going to be ripping darts and drinking the whole fucking time. Come on. >> But you're drinking-- >> The most-- >> The most-- >> What am I drinking? >> Well, I was going to say, I have drank around you a few times, you've, you've been ready, you've been drinking like a divorcee since I met you because it's-- >> Oh, thank you. >> I don't mean the amount. It's always white wine. >> Yes. >> White wine is the drink of-- >> Oh, why would you go through a divorcee? >> Well, and I learned from my in-laws, my former in-laws, but I still talk to them, obviously, they're still my in-laws in my heart. I drink at Florida style, which is with a lot of ice in it, so that you can take your time with the chillness of the wine. Yeah, I've just been drinking a lot. >> That's okay. >> I feel like I have a year of just like alcoholism and smoking, right? Don't I get a year? >> You-- we were talking about this before the pod, trust me, you can do it way more than a year. >> I don't know. >> I've been married. I'm going strong. >> Okay. Well, here you go. You're a single guy. Tell me if-- let's start the show. Here we go. This one's for you, because you live that single life. Like me now. Oh, my God. This could be your next boyfriend. Here we go. >> To any woman that ever wants to live with me, there's a bad habit I have when I run up clothing, I'll wash my underwear by hand, and I'll put them in the microwave to fucking dry up. It works. [LAUGH] [BLANK_AUDIO] >> Don't bring it back to this. >> Yeah. >> Don't bring it back to this. >> Yeah. [MUSIC] >> Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. >> I'll put these back on. >> Yeah. [MUSIC] >> Yeah. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] >> What? [MUSIC] >> This is what happens when Andy's not here. >> What? It's happening. [MUSIC] >> She's just doing funny cuts. >> Okay. [MUSIC] >> The time. >> I'm trying to get better at that. >> That's irked. Can I say something? >> Sure. [MUSIC] >> I don't think it's that big of a deal to hand wash her panties, but I was too, I've done that many a time on the road, you know, like I did on this fucking last trip to the UK for a month. I was hand washing my undies. >> You ran out. >> I ran out of clean ones, and then I was hand washing them in the hotel, and then I would hang them out on the balcony, like a Hungarian. >> Right. >> Mom. >> Yeah. >> But I never thought to microwave them, and I feel stupid that I never did. >> That sounds, there's elastic in underwear for men. That doesn't the microwave ruin that? >> Wow. Just blew my mind. >> Yeah. >> I don't think about that. >> I'm a briefsman, which I get a lot of shit for. >> Like the tidy whiteies? >> Never white briefs. I buy colored jockey briefs. >> Show me. >> Let's bring them up. >> Like jockey briefs. I never pegged you. I thought boxers, for sure. >> Nobody's pegged me. It's probably not far off. >> Bring up his chonies. >> Those are boxer briefs, but like the, well, no, no, no, like not those. >> Those are wagged, dude. >> I don't do those. I do that. >> I'll show you the ones I do if you go to see that one right there with the stripes. I don't wear the, I don't wear the stripe ones, but that style in solid colors, it's got the black band. Those are the ones I wear. >> Those are dignified. I thoroughly offerize that. I give you permission. >> Those are great. I don't, I can't wear boxers, that's insane. >> Why? I thought guys liked it. Oh, my junk can breathe. It's too tight. >> There's no support. It's crazy. >> Do you need that when you're older? I feel like the younger gents may not. I feel like the support, I don't know, it just feels good, but also the boxers, it's like they're riding up in your pants. They're not comfortable. >> No. And then box or briefs, I hate, because they'll wrap around your, you know, they wrap to your leg. But as the day goes on, it's like any other article of clothing, they start to get looser. And then those are riding up your leg. And then they're supposed to be elastic. So now it's like, you feel like you got this loose rubber band around your leg. It's just not comfortable. I see what you're saying, because as a woman that wears women's panties, the thought of all that fabric under my pants and stuff, it's counterproductive and counterintuitive. And now, have you ever handwashed your chonies on the road? No, that, I don't understand why he, because he's not specifying on the road. He's just saying, why is he handwashing his underwear? Cussing can. I don't know. What is happening in his underwear that he needs to give it a scrub? That's a good point. And what's in his ears? Are those Bluetooth? Yeah. Those are his ear buds, pods. I don't like how those look at all. I mean, he looks like a clean guy. Looks well-capped. Yeah. So, I don't think he's gross. No. I just don't get. And also, why the microwave? Why not just toss him in the dryer for 30 minutes? Well, he doesn't have a washer and dryer. That's what he's saying. Like, if I had a washer and dryer in the hotel, I would have done that too. But like, dude, have you guys not done this? Hasn't everybody handwashed their underwear and then? I overpack every trip. I overpack underwear and socks. Same. I'm like, just in case, so I never, I've never run out on the road. And if I'm going to be somewhere more than two weeks or something, where I need more than 14 or 15 pairs of underwear. Yeah. I was gone for a month. Yeah. Then I just figure out, like, I'm going to have to do a wash somehow, like a, like a wash wash. Okay. Guys in the booth, please tell me you've handwashed your underwear, like everyone. I don't know if I have it. Shut up. You are a frat boy, Josh. Come on. I mean, that's the truth. Well, I just wear them kind of dirty. You do turn them inside out at least. It's a good move. It's a good move. I don't think I'm organized enough to go, okay, these are dirty. Let me wash them and dry them. I'm like, oh, they're dirty. I'm throwing them on. Neonah, please tell me you've done this as a woman. No. I don't think I have. What? I think even when I've taken like two week long trips, I literally bring 14 pairs of underwear. There's also-- I also have a system on the road to make sure I don't run out. Well, yeah. So my system is a shower right before nightly thing. Let's show. Right before I shower. So I'm leaving for that show at 8 p.m., squeaky clean. Yeah. Next morning, T-shirt from the night and underwear and socks from the night serve as the bum-around daytime underwear. Not your performance shirt, the shirt you performed in. Yeah, because I'll usually perform in a T-shirt. So I go, okay, the T-shirt for Thursday night show is the T-shirt for Friday morning, whatever. Makes sense. Yeah. And then I cleaned up again. Yeah. So I'm getting 24 hours of use out of everything. That's really smart. You know? Yeah. It works. I've never done that. It works great. Well, I've decided to wear like my travel pants, the pants you fly in. This can be my daytime pants when I'm walking around the hotel and then I can fly home in the flight pants. I do that too. Wow. I do that too. Okay. But I also bring another pair for daytime. The flying pants serve as trip in and trip home pants. And then during the day, if I have to run down to the lobby or something like that, I bring another pair where I'm like, these are clean. Yeah. These are my daytime pants. Just. Yeah. Hotel pants. Yeah. But I don't really leave the room. Like, I don't even, I try not to leave the room to eat. That's how sad I am on the road. Like, I must shut in. Yeah. I just sleep all day and order food to the room. Yeah. I've done that. This time of year, always brings up memories of when summer felt much simpler and sweeter. 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I love how angry you are about things that nobody is mad about and here, hold on, let's play this and just see how you feel, okay? Put your shit on, ready, bro. All right. Let's see how this makes you. Just like, let me lay it a fuck down. I'm tired. You're gonna get me in trouble again. All right. Last time I was here, not the last time, the last time I was here with you, I think it was when the stupid fucking weed clip, oh my god, by the way, you're gonna hate me so much. I've changed my whole perspective on weed. That's fine. No, I started just a little bit because I can't smoke a lot because it freaks me out. But just the tiny little hit, Joe DeRosa, can change your whole life. Look, I was a massive, massive weed enthusiast for many years. I used to smoke it every day. But something happened during COVID. When I got into my later 20s and then 30s is when I started to go, yeah, this isn't working very well for me anymore, but I still could dabble a little bit, a little hit, low dose edible. Yeah. Those freaks me out. During COVID I had, I had, there were three drugs I did during COVID. Then I go, that's it, was weed, was one, my brain was like, this is not working for you anymore, man. It doesn't matter how little you're doing, your brain is going to a bad place with it, which is fine. Molly, mushrooms. Alone. During COVID? Like in your apartment. No, I had like, I was like with my little COVID. Your circle. Yeah. And I just was like, they're not working for me anymore. I wish, I'd really do it, and I know the people that set me all the hate letters about we will not, will be surprised to hear this. I wish I could enjoy it again. I don't have any problem with it, not only problem with it is that people just say it's not a substance. I'm like, well, it is a substance, but but here's the thing, are you 50 yet? I turn 49. As of this recording, I turn 49 tomorrow. Oh, happy birthday. Yeah, it's tomorrow. I think you should pick it up in your 50s again and just see where it goes because like I'm trying everything now. I mean, dominoes every day, I'm smoking cigarettes every day. It's a whole new world. Why dominoes? Oh my god. It's okay. Here's why dominoes. It's consistent. Every time I order it, it's exactly the same. - Okay. - And it comes hot, delicious, it tastes, I like the thin crust supreme. And it's got all the toppings that I like. I love protein meats. And I don't feel like such a fat ass 'cause it's a thin crust. - Yep. - All right. - And it just hits the spot. You know, you don't feel like eating, but you're like, I could go for pizza. You can always go for pizza when you don't want to eat. - Yeah, no, I hear you. I hear you. People love dominoes. - And it's sweet. - It's like a children's, it's not an adult. I will admit that it's not an adult's selection. I should be liking better pizza and I'm completely aware. - Right. - Who gives a fuck? I like shit. I like trash. Oh, can I tell you what I've been doing too? - Sure. - Okay, I also get a buffalo sauce. This is how I've been diversifying the order, the buffalo sauce, and then a ranch. And then I alternate between the two dipping flavors. And I know it's so good, don't stop. - No, no, no, do you, it's fine. I like, we all have our thing like that. - Well, what's your thing? - I love fast food. - Yeah. - And I have to really watch myself, 'cause I'll eat it too much. (laughs) But of all the fast foods, my big indulgent one, where I'm like, especially if I'm sad. - Oh, yeah. - I go KFC, I go hard. - KFC when you're sad. Dude, fried chicken, there's nothing, and KFC specifically. - I go hard. And now that I live in Austin, many people of the South will say, why would you get KFC when you can get berthas, whatever the fuck, you know, or someplace like that. - Yeah, no. - And it just hits in a way I need it to. But I get a family meal. I get a full bucket, because there's something about the chicken being in the bucket. - Oh, you're right. - Versus the box. - You're right, you're right, 'cause it like marinates and the juices and the grease and the smells. - There's just something about it. It reminds me of being a kid, like a bucket of chicken. That's a very like 80s thing. Yeah, and I get, those are my three sides. I get large, large, large corn, large coleslaw. I don't eat the biscuits, 'cause they just get in the way. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. This is where you and I agree to disagree, because I think I'm just gonna say it, the mashed potato with the gravy sucks. It's always sucked, but I'll still eat it. The corn, whatever, I fucking hate coleslaw, no matter what iteration. The biscuits, fucking, they fuck, with the biscuits at KFC are so good. I can't believe you don't, have you ever tried them with honey? Like are you not? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, no, no, I think they taste good. I don't have a problem. - So what are you doing? - I have chicken to eat. Like, I'm eating so much chicken. Like, I'm like, I want nothing standing in the way of the chicken in the sides, and a piece of bread, especially a biscuit, which is a heavy piece of bread. - This is stupidity. - It gets, it takes up space that I don't have room for. - Okay, can I taste the problem is, you're not Eastern European and you're not black, because we fucking know this. You have to sop up the grease. My father taught me this when you're eating like heavy greasy Hungarian food like sausages. You must soak up the grease. So how are you not soaking grease? Either you drink alcohol, you can have wine with it. - Well, the, I always found the breading on the chicken kind of sopped up the grease, even though it's filled with grease. - It's all grease. - But it's already sopped up the grease. (laughing) It's like, look, I grew up Italian, and a big thing in Italian eating is to take a hunk of bread and do the sauce. Also, pasta's obviously a big part of Italian food. - Yeah. - I'm like, get it out of my way. I want as much meat as I can possibly eat. I will eat the remainder of my sauce with a spoon, like soop. - Wow. - That's what I want, and it's not that I dislike the other things. - No, we hate it. - You fill me too quickly. - You're hating against carbs, it's. - I love carb-phobic. - My one major carbon take with bread is sandwiches are my favorite food, so I eat, that'll do. - I hate sandwiches, I'm sorry to say this. - You hate sandwiches? - Fucking hate 'em. - Why? - Because it's too much bread. Now, this is the irony, is your like, oh, the irony is, Joe DeRosa is like, oh, I don't eat biscuits 'cause it's too much bread, but sandwiches are just half bread and then bullshit in between. - Let me be clear. I'm not saying biscuits are too much bread. I'm saying when I'm trying to depression eat through a bucket of chicken, it's taking up too much space. - Okay. - I get biscuits other times. I get biscuits engravy all the time at breakfast. Like, I love biscuits. I'm just saying with KFC, I don't have time right now. I love the work to do. - So, my children have never had KFC. We were in Albuquerque, which is like the math capital of America. - Yeah, yeah, I know. I spent a lot of time there doing better call, so. - Oh, what? - Yeah, we shot in New Mexico. - I fucking love better calls. - Yeah, Albuquerque, you would hear what? - Oh, that's right. - When you were funny story. - Always, I love that show. - It's super fast. One time they brought me out, and for whatever reason, I had to go like two days early before I shot. They usually just bring me out the night before I shot. I'd shoot the next day. I'd leave the next day. It was very fast. - I was thinking of pornography. It sounds like you're doing your scenes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got my, yeah. - I should have done my shots. - So, I don't know. This one time they had to bring me out like two days early for some reason, and I had a whole day of just sitting around. And I was like, all right, I mean, I'm in New Mexico. What am I gonna do? I was like, I'm gonna go get the greatest Mexican meal I can find. I'm in New Mexico. And I go to the front desk and I go, hey, I'm kind of just bopping around today. Where's a great Mexican place? And the lady goes, there's a Chipotle across the street. And I was like, what is going on? (laughing) So fucking stupid. - That's literally like, I felt like I was in Shanghai, and they were like, have you been to Panda Express? Yeah, well, yes. - Horrible, horrible. - But Chipotle is not even representative of real Mexican food, I would argue. As in Angelino, like, what is Chipotle? That's like, Southwestern, that's not even real. - But it's not even great to, I mean, I'll eat Chipotle. - I will too, if I'm desperate. - Steve Burn, you said of this joke about New Mexico, where he talked to that, he was like, it's the most arrogant name of a state ever. And he's like, we don't need your Mexico. We're gonna start our own Mexico, our new Mexico. And he goes, you know the best thing about it? No Mexican. (laughing) - He's wrong about that. Has he been? Before starting this show, there were tons of times where I doubted whether anyone would care to listen to us or our brown talk. 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With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business, so go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/YMH. That's Shopify.com/YMH. So I took my kids to KFC for the first time, my two children, 'cause I think it's in a YouTube video trend that they were eating KFC. I took them there, we got the family meal. We're eating it, I'm loving it. - It's so good. - And they're eating it, and then after they're like, I feel sick. And I was like, exactly, that's the fun. Is that you come here, you eat until you're sick. It's not, you don't come here to feel good. - No. - After you eat, you just satisfaction. - Yeah. - I love one of my favorite things to do is I'll take the skin off the chicken and I'll dunk it into the mashed potatoes and gravy, like it's dip, and just eat that. - Yo, they should sell that, just like the strips of fried skin. - They should. - They should. - Fuck. - And by the way, why the fuck is KFC not doing a sausage gravy to put on the biscuits? Why are they not doing that? - Just blew my mind. - Yeah, why does KFC not have some version of biscuits and gravy? They must have sold that at some point. - No, no, no, no, 'cause you buy the biscuits and then you buy the gravy separate, yo. And that's smart 'cause they're doubling their money. - But the problem is, is that gravy is too thin? - It's thin. - It works on the mashed potatoes. That's kind of all it works on. I've got, 'cause when you get the family meal delivery, they separate the gravy 'cause they assume you're not an animal. (laughing) And I've tried to just use that gravy alone and it has to combine with the mashed potatoes. It doesn't work. So yeah, those potatoes, those are instant, yeah? Like there's a new know. - God, he knows. - Yeah, that's just like potatoes. - God only knows. - At all. Yeah. - Now hold on with Madonna. Tell me your thoughts, but we played the clip of them. - Much like the Weed clip. Because God forbid anybody watches the whole conversation. They watch the 90 seconds and go, "I got it, I got his take. I got it. Not my take, I'm gonna attack him, he's an idiot. I didn't say Madonna should quit. I think Madonna is brilliant and I think Madonna is iconic and I went back on the pod and did another, I think that episode came out today, but I did a follow up on it. And I was like, guys, I didn't say Madonna should quit. When I said was, people that are a certain age that are still chasing youth in a certain way, it stops working at a certain point. And what I said was, is she looks uncomfortable and that she could theoretically maybe hurt herself. She looks like she's got a little bit of a mobility thing going on. She fell over here, she's laying down. Which is fine. But it's like, it's like, yeah, it's like Phil Collins on that last Genesis tour. He sat in a chair because he's like, man, I can't, I got this thing going on my back. It's okay. And it's like, I want Madonna to be the, the, the, the mom we all need. Well, that's not going to happen because she's hurt. She's known for her fuck off it. This is, and they gave him like an office chair. They kind of given him like a throne or make it something that's personal to him. Yeah. It's shittiest chair in the building because guns and roses when Axel broke his like ankle or foot. He had to sit in a chair because he fucked his foot and he's fine now. But for a big part of one of their tours, he had to sit any sat in this crazy like Axel throne. That's what you do. I love that Phil Collins was like, this is the chair that doesn't hurt my back. I don't give a shit. I know. I know. Like, this is what we're doing. But that's all I was saying about Madonna was like, but here's the thing. Her whole brand, look, I agree with you. I agree with your points. The thing is her whole brand is built on fuckability. Okay. Virgin. Her whole thing is being like the sex positive gay friendly icon. So how do you become fuckable? How old is she now? It's 60. She's almost 70. She looks way fuckable there. I'm just saying don't almost hurt yourself. No, babe. I agree with you because it's uncomfortable. Here's what's uncomfortable about it. It's not that she's trying something new. It's not that. It's a agree. You see that it's not working. It's not working. Let's make it work. Oh, I like how she looks and that tie and that. So she could go like Marlena Daytrick, Dietrich or whatever. There is no, there is no world where Madonna would not be able to look as sexy, be as sex positive, still be the fucking queen. Yeah. But just not have to do certain dances and things that she's known for the dances. So how do you maintain the brand? That's a tough part. I mean, have you ever watched Cindy Lopper live now? Love. I love her. I love her. God, she's amazing. She comes out like a boss. Yeah. She's not, if Cindy Lopper was still out there in the fucking toot with the ballerina skirt with pink hair, it'd be like Cindy, it looks crazy. She doesn't, she comes out like a fucking boss, still gorgeous, still amazing, still sexy, and fucking belts the songs out where I'm, I literally watched a live video for doing girls just want to have fun. It's sort of crying. I couldn't believe how good she sounded. Okay. No, it's not gay. Joe's gay. Well, if I'm gay, I'm gay. News flash just kidding. No, her voice is like incredible colors, I will cry every time, or time after time. There's a way to do it. There is a way to do it. Remember way she hasn't figured it out yet. I love that. That's the thing. I love the movie. I'm sorry. Did I talk over you? I didn't mean to. Go ahead. No, no, no. I was just, I just asked all over myself. I love that you were trying to do a cool face and you just asked all over. I'm just such a fucking idiot. So fucking stupid. I love the movie The Irishman. I absolutely fucking. What is this? It is. You always like these things. You're like the, the, the food man chew is the best. The Irishman. It's a Martin Scorsese movie that starred De Niro Pacino and Joe Pesci. Huh? Never. Never. Never. Never for several Oscars. I love how you're acting like it was some indie that nobody heard of. Nobody knows this movie. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. It was, it was a massive film. And this is bullshit. I don't know. Um, they, the big thing with the Irishman was they de-age them. It was the first movie where they did extensive de-aging throughout the entire movie. And they de-aged all three actors so they could play different phases of their lives. That's cool. There's a scene in the movie that everybody makes fun of where De Niro's kicking a guy on the ground. We'll see it. And he looks like a guy in his, he's supposed to be 40 in the scene and he looks 40. But then he's kicking this guy and it looks like a seven-year-old guy kicking somebody. Let's see. So you can skip. I'll tell you where. Right, right, right. I'm so much. Don't keep going. Yeah. He, right here. He throws the guy out on the street. He's not moving 40. Right. Yeah, he's not moving 40. So my, so this scene sticks out a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not moving 40. Yeah. Yeah. So my point is is like everybody's like, why couldn't they just shoot that in a way where it didn't, wasn't so obvious? And it's like, yes. That's all I'm saying. It's like, it's okay to be like, hey, guys, I can't do certain things now that I'm this age. But I can still be me. I watched this whole movie and still believe De Niro's a tough guy. Yeah. It's just that part shows his age in a certain way. And it's like, dude, you don't have to do that. You can't sell everything though. You can't sell what you did in your 20s or 30s in your 70s. You just can't sell it. So, but here's the thing, you know, this is why I like French brats. I've been studying the French ladies forever, which is why I make red lipstick, Christina P dot com. Get your red fucking lipstick. These brads know how to age. The French know how to do it, like Catherine De Nile, De Nile, bring up Catherine De Nile. They know how to embrace aging and sexuality and like, look, she still looks respectable. Her face isn't all fucking crazy. That's her young. Yeah. And now look. She doesn't look insane. She maybe had a little nip and tuck, a little something, something, but she figured it out. She's not dressing the same way she did in her 20s. I agree with you. Oh, Tina Turner. But how did Tina Turner do it? Because she was stunning until she dropped dead. She just kept doing her thing, but like, I would bet you, if you watched, I bet you when she got older, she was still dancing and stuff, but just dancing within the means of like, this is how I can live now. I'm a little bit older. It's okay. It's going to be like, Hey, Madonna, you lazy ass. I know. Why are you putting a spinning platter? I know. You know? Well, even Mick Jagger who can really still move, like he works out a lot apparently. Put a shirt on though. You think so? Yeah, that's, I remember when they, dude, I remember in the 90s when Roseanne hosted the MTV video awards and the Rolling Stones played and she came out, she goes, but you're 60. Put a shirt on for God's sits. It was so funny. Yeah, she's about to. It was so funny. And I was like, in the 90s, it was like, bro, put a shirt on. Get your foot. Be me, Jagger. Just put a shirt on. So is he going shirtless now? Still? I don't know. You know who is all the time? Iggy pop. Okay. Okay. Here's the thing. He needs to put a shirt on. No. I disagree entirely. Okay. Joe DeRosa. Here's why I disagree with Iggy. Come on. No. Yeah. Get fucked. You're wrong. Here's why. This guy is known as the father of punk rock. Okay. His whole thing is like, fuck you. I'm doing what I do. Get fucked. And how his spine is crooked, yes. But he's showing you, like, I'm still, the physical form doesn't really necessary. It's going to change and it's going to be grotesque. And there's something beautifully grotesque and punk rock about Iggy pop doing it. He knows he's being grotesque. It's not. Grotesque. I think it's just like, dude, it looks to me like you're trying for something you don't need to be trying for. Okay. We all, we're all walking into the room saying all the things you just said, you can keep your shirt on and we'll still think you're the man. No. Joe, because he's addressing his mortality. Bring up, bring up Iggy Pop getting out of a coffin. I think he did this at like Lollipalooza or something. He's, he's winking and nodding at all of us. He went up on stage and he, yeah, see Coachella. He, at Coachella, music festival after electric part, he gets into a coffin because he knows. Like, I'm about to fucking die. This is my swan song. I know, I know that I look decrepit. Well, it's his farewell show and he's getting into a coffin. That's, that's, yes, but I, I would argue that somebody at 40 doing their farewell show might get into a coffin at the end because it's like, this is the end, see you later. Like Jay-Z is always like, I'm retiring and it comes back. So my point is is like, to me, that speaks more to this is my last show than, hey, I'm dead. But, is it his last show? It says his farewell show. No, I'll be back. I love Iggy Pop. You know, I, I, I hear you. There was a part, there was a part in the last. Sorry. Good. Have you seen Danny Elfman lately? He looks insane. I don't know what happened. I, I do. It's called too much Botox and filler. And that, that's refusing to grow up. He, he, well, well, hey, I'm glad you just said that. The point of the, the clip that came out from my pod, the rant that the clip was excised from was me saying exactly that. Yeah. I said, there's a difference between not wanting to come grow up and desperately wanting young people to still like you. And I said, I'm a good example of not wanting to grow up. Mmm. 49 sometimes it's a lot of fun. I still sleep with the light on. I drink too much, I buy comic books. - Yeah. - And then I show the Madonna clip and I go, to me, this is me, I mean young people to still go, you're cool and it's like, that's the thing I think you have to let go of it some more. - You have to let go that yeah, you're not cool anymore. You have to read a different way. - You have to redefine what cool is to you and then live through that lens. - And what's her name? - Who's the woman from "Forn on Blonds" that's the master of music, producer? - I've been watching clips of her on TikTok. - Linda. - She's amazing. - Oh, I love her so much. - Linda Perry, I watched an interview clip with Linda Perry from "If You Were Back" and she said, she goes, why is Madonna chasing trends? Madonna should be setting the trends. - A hundred percent. - And she's like, I wanna work with Madonna because I want her to get back to being the trendsetter. That's what I'm saying. - God, she's great. - She don't chase the trends after she reached. - No, never chase the trends. - Exactly, like you're the one that broke them all. - Never chase the trends, create them. I agree, I just saw an interview with her where she talks about doing Gwen Stefani's first solo album. Did you see that one? - No. - Oh, she's brilliant. She produced that one and she had her singing into four different microphones to do that. TikTok, TikTok. Oh, she's so good. - I worked with Sarah Gilbert on a sitcom. - Love Sarah Gilbert. - Yeah, we became very friendly. She was very sweet and my character got cut from the show and they cut me in a really shitty way where they didn't tell me, they didn't call me, they made the show runner who was my friend Pat come and tell me, it was really gross. - Okay. - And everybody from the cast texted me and they, 'cause they all knew like this sucks. This is, we've been there. But the way they did this was really rough and we love you. She was the first one that texted me. - Nice. - And she was the most established. She was the one, the Roseanne reboot had just come out like she was big. Everybody was big, but you know what I mean? And I was like, that really spoke a lot to who she was that she took the time to be like, hey dude. I'm gonna be the first down through the door here to tell you this sucks. But she was great. But one of the regrets I had that was, when I was in touch with her, I never fucking said, can I please meet your wife? I wanna meet your wife. - She's married today. - They're not married anymore, at the time. - She. - Yeah, they were married. - I didn't know that. - Yeah, that's what I said, 'cause they just said the picture of you. - Sarah Guilder's so cool. - Yeah. - I like her even more now. - So, anyway. - Okay, well hold on, I've got something to show you. - Do I need my headphones? - Yes, baby, yes. - The only reason I wear them is 'cause I get hot. - That's okay. Hey, where's the guy who's running for office? Who's a sec? Oh, here, here, hold on. Okay, I know you're, you're into politics, yeah? - No. - Oh, never mind. Well, I'm into politics now, now that I'm 50 and divorced. - Welcome to the manosphere. (laughs) - I don't even welcome. I've been a part of it for five years. - You're, you're a complicit in creating it. (laughs) - Okay, here we go, here we go. See if you can, if you buy this. - I am not attracted to Taylor Swift. I am not attracted to Beyonce. I am not attracted to Billie Eilish. I am not attracted to Jennifer Aniston. I am not attracted to Angelina Jolie. I am not attracted to Rihanna. I am not attracted to Taylor Swift. I am 100% non-sexual. I am 100% asexual. I'm not attracted to men. I'm not attracted to women. I'm not attracted to anybody. I don't experience sexual attraction. If you are asexual, leave a comment in the comments. I am asexual. - Yeah, does he work for this university that he's in front of the flag of? (laughs) - Cal Riverside, so that is- - Is this the Dean of- - You see LA Riverside? (laughs) - Of that campus. - He's running for office too. Do we have a clip of that in here? - It's weird that he said I'm asexual, but then he only named women. - Well, and then he's like comment in the comments if you are asexual, what does he care? He's he trying to hook up? - God, I would love to be asexual. - I know. So much easier. You will eventually your testosterone will wane. Are there areas? - It's higher than ever. - He's running for- What is he running for again? - Forne a secretary of state in the 2030 election. I am a strong leader who will make certain that California has safe and fair elections. My name is Mark Hardy. I served as staff attorney and special assistant for governor Pete Wilson. I then served as public affairs assistant for US Senator Barbara Boxer. During law school, I was mentored by US Attorney General Edwin Meece, US Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, and House Speaker Newt Gingrich. I have worked with high level Democrats and Republicans. - Oh no. - I am also a veteran of the United States Army. - Oh shit. - For Mark Hardy, for California Secretary of State in 2030. Let's build a Hardy California. Thank you. Do you think any of that is true? - Is it true? - He's got the AI voice doing it. And then, did he, if he did all those things, has he snapped? And why is he, he's wearing, I love it, he's got sunglasses and- - Yeah, but remember when they were hiring like diverse people, like people that are like, island trans, blah, blah, blah. Is this a diversity hire? Maybe like the asexual community? - It could be. - Is this true, Josh? Can you- - He, by the way. - Can you do that? - Everything he said in that video. - It's so crazy. - Yeah, everything he said in that video, if he said it was- - Look who follows him. - Oh, that's great. You and Rogan. - Joe Rogan. - I love the Joe nose. - That's hilarious. We should ask Joe. - I'm the Joe nose. - Yeah, yeah. - Call him right now. - No, but if he said everything, he said in that asexual video, without screaming, you'd just be like, okay. - Yeah. - It's the screaming part where he seems unhinged. - You're right, and the naming of particular people, which kind of like, what is that saying? Doth protest too much? - Yes. - Like, why are you naming the people? Like, I'm not horny for Beyonce. I am not horny for Billie Eilish. Like, clearly. - Yes. - Clearly. - Can I have a tissue? - No. - Okay. It's a- - Somebody can provide a tissue. - This kid, kid bacteria X is his handle. - Yeah. - Kid bacteria X, not his name. That might help him in his thank you. - Hold on, he's Mark Hardy S-quire. He's a lawyer. - Hey, he just said it in the video. - Sorry, I was so taken with everything else. - Yeah, he apparently is a very accomplished lawyer, who worked on the staff of several- - He's a sexual attorney. - He used to go by the name of Barack Obama Mandela. - This, come on. - And he also fought in the Israeli army. - He's a friend of the Jews. We're voting for him. He's got my vote. Dude, this guy's rad. - No, he gets my vote. - I mean, this is where we're headed. - What do you mean? This is where we are. - This is wrong. But I mean, like 10 years ago, remember that one famous election for California governor, where it was like, it was Schwarzenegger and then it was like all of the craziest other. - Yeah. - Right? - Yeah. - There was Gary Coleman, it was like everybody all at once. He was running. - Yeah. - And we were like, this is wild, what's going on here? And then Arnold getting it, we were kind of like, that's weird. But then he was pretty good at it. We're like, all right. - He crushed. - Yeah, he did a good job. He knew what he was doing. - Yeah. - But now it's just like, no, it's that election all the time now. Like where it's just like, okay. I guess so. - Well, again, I mean, you're hateful and upset, but I think he's doing the lord's work and I'm gonna go for him, okay? - Well, it seems like you support him as you immediately called him a diversity hire. (laughing) - Hey, I'm a diversity hire, Joe. Somebody's gotta basher us in. - How are you? - I'm a woman. I've always been the token in the last 20 fucking years. Yes, of course. I mean, yes. - Yeah. - And then now I'm in and now it's normal for chicks to be talking about stuff. And this is how the world works. Come on. - You're right. - Okay, look, I know you're into gaming and stuff, so this is for you. Put on your headphones. - They'll go back on. They're so big. I wish I had the little butt. - You want these? Okay, next time we'll give you the nice ones. - I forgot mine. I could have plugged them in right here. - Damn it. - You ready? - Yeah. - What's the difference between, what's the difference, what's the difference between a gamer (laughing) and a silly gamer? - Hmm. (laughing) - The silly gamer. - The gamer. - Mm-hmm. - The gamer play, the gamer plays video games. While the silly gamer, (laughing) - Get it out. - The gamer plays video games while the silly gamer. - You could do it. - Silly video games. - He's getting pegged right now. (laughing) - So he can't breathe. He's breathless. - Yeah. - He's getting pegged. - Oh! (laughing) - Yeah, like workout, I mean, as comedians you and I know, you got to work out the timing and the verbiage before you tell the joke. - Yes. - I don't know. - 101. Practice it a little bit before you say it. - But here's my question. This is, again, where we're at. Is this guy actually like this, or is he brilliant and he goes, Oh, a fight! Do it this crazy, I'll get crazy views. - Who knows anymore? - Joe, I've been doing this show for a long time. I can assure you this is organic. Everybody here at the staff knows how to pick real. - Okay. - This is genuinely an insane person. Please don't doubt my ability to pick. Mattelio. - Me too. - Don't you dare doubt my abilities. - How dare, hold on. Can we look at potential suitors for me? - Sure. - Okay, these guys are cool. Tell me if I should hit any of these dudes out. - You're not gonna do better than the underwear guy. - No, he was rad. Okay, here we go. - That's a good pick. Ooh, this guy, okay. - What's up, my name's Ricky, I'm (beep) my numbers (beep) hit me up on Jaype, I got about eight months left. I like fast motorcycles. - I like that. - The pack goes pretty feet. I hope that I can make you smile and make you laugh. When it's time, make you squirt. So if you're free, you wanna, you wanna freak? Or you just wanna squirt, get out of me, show me some love. - I'll be working out now. - Do you want to squirt? - I don't know. - Are you not a bad looking guy? - No, and I like his tattoos. I'm into knuckle tats. He thought of a clear coherent message before he got on the phone, which is kind of cool. But I don't know that I need to squirt. Like, is that really, now and now do you need to squirt? - Nobody needs to squirt. - Sounds really messy. - Yeah. He's fit. - I like that. - I also didn't know you could dress like that in prison. I didn't know you could wear a t-shirt and a hat. - That's so true. I thought you'd wear like orange. - That's what I thought too. It looks like he's got his own clothes at the prison. - That's so cool. - They just let him wear. - That's so right. - Yeah. - Is he in? - Yeah, he's in. - Well, hold on, let's see what his, okay, do you wanna guess what his charges are? This is always the best part. - Oh, yeah. - Okay. - I'm gonna guess some sort of physical assault thing with a, against a man, not a woman. I'm guessing he got into some kind of physical bar type thing. - Like a fight. - Yeah. - Okay, incarcerated for intimating, threatening, or harassing a witness, and possession of controlled substance. So like, what, he talks some shit to some guy, that has some shit with him, and then he had some weed in his pocket, big deal. - Is that a big deal? - Well, it sounds like he's a drug dealer, got arrested, and then found out before he went to trial who the witnesses were gonna be, and then went to a witness and said, "I'll fucking hurt you." - Smart, which is what I would have done. - Yeah, and then somehow got caught, because I never get that, like, they do this in movies a lot, like we're a witness, so get threatened, and they'll be like, "And if you go to the cops, "I'll fucking kill you." I would go right to the cops, be like, "He just threatened me, I'm going away." - I would. - I'm going to another state or something until he goes to trial. I'm terrified, and I would just, that's it. - I would just disappear. I wouldn't even. - But then you're in trouble, but then you're sequestered as a witness. - You're right, you're right, you're right. - So I'd be like, "Look, you gotta, this is. " Well, apparently that's what this witness did, 'cause he went to jail for it. - It's good to know, though, it's good information, 'cause I didn't know that, Joe. - Yeah, you can't just, if you're called in, I don't think you can leave. It depends on what kind of witness you are, I guess, but, you know, you can be a character witness and say no. - Okay. - Anyway. - Okay, well, I mean, I like his personality, I like his tats, I like his style. I don't think his charges are that big of a deal. I'm gonna go for Ricky. Ricky right now is my leader. - I don't think you dating this guy is a good idea, given his first name as Richard, 'cause I feel like you won't be able to resist being funny and calling him dick a lot, and then I think I'll choke you. - Fair enough. I think that's fine. - Good point. - Yeah, and I know you had tagging eyes, you press buttons. - What? - You can get-- - What? - Very nasty sometimes. (laughing) - Okay, Vile and horrendous, calling the kettle vile. All right, let's see my next boyfriend. - Okay. - Okay, what about this guy? - Oh. - Full bail. - Oh, I like that. - I can't hurt her. - I can't hurt her. - I can't hurt her. (laughing) - Ooh, strong silent time. - Okay, so they all have white t-shirts on. So this is, you get to wear a white t-shirt at this jail. - But he's looking at that guy, is he gay? - Ah. - That makes me think that he's not in a chicks, 'cause it's like, where are you looking at that guy? - That looks like a shanking happened 10 seconds later. - Oh yeah. - Something bad just happened, which is why there's no, that's where the video ends. They put his full name on his dead. (laughing) - 30 seconds after this video. - So just so you know, I like his head tattoos. The teardrop means that he's killed somebody. - I believe that is what that means. - Why would you advertise that? - Well, I think it used to be, I think it used to be for survival in the prison. - Oh. - I'm like, "Oh shit, that guy's got his hair drops." Be careful. - Got it. - Everybody I've ever watched interviews with that has done real time. And I have a couple of comedian friends that did like legitimate time in jail or prison rather. And they all say the same exact thing. There will be the moment where you have to beat the living shit out of somebody. And if you don't do it, you are gonna have problems for the rest of your stay. - Fuck. - Like, it's so terrifying. There's a guy. - Dude, they're brutal. And the girl's prison, they just make out and braid each other's hair. I dated a girl that was imprisoned. (laughing) - Yeah, and? - She sounds good. - She was on a work release so she only had to be there on the weekends. It was for like a DUI or something. And she said it was the most fun she ever had. She said they would have prison parties. They would all go to each other's cell on Friday nights. Like it was like- - Each other out. - Yeah, well, she didn't say that. They probably did. - Yeah, of course. - But she said it was a blast. She said they had so much fun, which is wild. It's like a big slumber party. It's like being in college again. I used to, like, the first year of college I stayed in an all-girl dorm. It was the most fun. Freshman year of college. You just hang out. We didn't eat each other out, but we did, like, hang out, ripdarts, talk shit. There's a freedom in it. - Yeah, do you ever watch that guy nerd Rodic? - No. - He's a big YouTuber. He's got a pretty substantial following, but he does a lot of movie reviews. And I didn't know until recently. Like, I had watched his clips so many times. The one day I was like, "Well, you watch an actual interview with this guy." 'Cause, like, what was, what's his story? And he did, like, real prison time. - No shit. - Reformed himself, got out of prison, and became a massive YouTuber. - Good for him. - And is, like, clean now. He was, you know, at one point, was a drug addict and whatever. But he told a story in an interview. He was a cellmate with a guy. I might be fucking the story up a little bit. But he was like, "You know, you get your. " You earn money 'cause of good behavior, whatever. And then you have, I forget what it's called. - Commissary. - Yeah, you have, like, credit where you go buy things at the store. - Yeah. - And you're, if you're a good behavior, you get to buy better things. - Yeah, well, that's cool. - So he got to a point where he's able to buy a walkman. And he said he was, like, cellmates with this guy who was really bad, like, who would kill people or something. And the guy threatened her or something. And he's, like, I beat the living shit out of this guy with the Sony Walkman that I'd bought. And, like, I think, like, caved his face in. - Damn. - And the jail was just, like, it's cool. Don't worry about it 'cause apparently the guy was so awful. (laughing) It's fine. - Like, we hated Henry. He just did a huge favor. Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. - Yeah. - Oh, well, those are my prison inmates. And then would you like to meet some of my other potential suitors? - Yeah, and by the way, is this a program they had in the prison to let these guys do dating videos? - Yeah. Is that right? - It was an Instagram page where they could find pen pals. So people would, like, write them letters. - But the prison approved of it. - Yeah. - Clearly. - This is insane. - Okay. - Really exciting, though, Christina, we made, we made the hotline for you. - Oh. - And people are actively calling in. (laughing) - Okay. - Trying to pitch themselves. - Oh, so there's a hotline now, Joe, where my potential suitors can court me. - Okay. - Can we hear some? - Oh boy. Can't wait to hear your horny hotline. - Oh, look, I know what the YMH fans are saying to me. And I'm not even, I can't imagine what they're saying to you. - Well, here's the thing. I mean, look, who better to court me than people who are familiar with what a bitch that I can be, what a nice lady I am. Maybe it's best that I date somebody that's familiar. - I would like to see a round of comedians that you might end up with. - I don't know if that's gonna happen, Joe. - I wanna see the next power couple, you've formed the other half of it. - I've done comedians. I don't think we've got a, one comedian. You know, Tom Sagar was the only comedian I ever dated. - Yeah. - Ever, and we got married and that was it. So I think, I think for now. - You made a cat, you made it work. - I did, it was an awesome ride. 20 years ago. - Wow. - It was a miracle. And today's society, 20 years with somebody, I mean. - It's so beyond what anybody could ever expect. - In show business, are you kidding me? - By the way, not just in show business, in biology. We're not supposed to be monogamous. Like, we're just not supposed to be. And we all fight. against that for obvious reasons. So for you to put in 20 years, the two of you, and then also have it be as fun and beautiful and the kids and successful and work together and I can't make it four weeks with somebody I barely know. I know, but that's that's why I feel it was a good time. Okay, but but now it's time for me to to look at potential new people. Here we go. All right, let's listen to our first. Sorry. I'm scared. Yeah, I'm too. Wow, Terry. Terry. That's just his name. No, wait, that was a man. At the end, it sounded like a woman. It sounded like a woman the whole time when they yelled Terry. Wait, isn't a boy or girl? I think it's a man named Terry. Okay. And he just goes, Terry. Introducing himself. By the way, I swear to God, when he went, I thought he caught you. I thought he went, oh, no, he's doing like musical now. I think you just think I'm a no, because you just said they know what a bitch I can be. And then in the middle of the thing, you went, don't. Are you with me today? Are you with me? No, I'm not, I'm not anywhere. You're not, you didn't remember the guy was a lawyer. No, I'm drinking. I'm drinking. I'm, come on. I'm barely here right now. I'm not, I'm not on earth yet. If I didn't have to leave town tomorrow, I'd be drinking with you right now. Why is it leaving town that's going to prohibit you from having fun? I get very, the night before I have to, I have a very travel heavy weekend to a bunch of different places. And just the night before a trip like that, I can't. I'm just, I get very overwhelmed. I get very anxious. Which is why you should drink even more. I mean, what's wrong with you? I'm no stranger to the, I know. But full disclosure, like I think I, honestly, my brain has not been normal the last few months, because you know, you deals with, you deal with so much. It's like, I'm, I just try to make it through the fucking, the afternoon. Okay, I hear you. Okay, here we go. Here we go. This is for Christina there. Yeah. I know you're looking for mate. I'm a good looking 30 year old. Sorry, my kitty cat. What's up, man? Sorry, this is my cat. He's absolutely lovely. Oh, I heard you were a cat. My cat girl. Oh, can you just love me so much? There's the other one. You know, these cats, you absolutely lovely. I thought baby, it would impress you to know that. Like, my cat, love me. Oh, yeah, take it out. It is. Later, baby. Okay, can I just request to, if you guys are going to leave something on the hotline, leave your, your photograph to, like, I, I need to see who I'm dealing with. I can't just go on audio alone. Like, I appreciate that he loves cats as much as I do. So that's an admirable attempt. You like that he's pretending there's cats there? Yeah. I also am against, I'm going to really, or not rule. I'm going to vote against the photograph. Why? Sleepless in Seattle, baby. Make it a real romance. Fall in love the old fashioned way and meet. It's Austin, Texas. Meet him at the front of the mothership on New Year's Eve. Oh, security. Yeah, security. Goddamn. Are you saying I should select my top suitor from the hotline and then meet them at mothership? I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm doing a bad idea. Yeah, I'm doing a play on sleepless in Seattle, but they didn't see each other until they meet at the top of, uh, what building do they meet it in that? Empire State Building. But here, right, but here's a deal, man. Yeah, it is the empire. That was like early internet. There were only 10 people on the internet back then. So like, you had to be a well to do. I'm assuming to be able to afford such a thing and be a little smarter than the average bear to get online. They, well, that, that movie they do it through radio. No. Yeah, it's a talk. No, you're thinking if you've got mail. Oh, fuck, I love Meg Ryan. Yeah. I know. I love you've got mail. Oh, I'm thinking of sleepless and see and it's same shit. Isn't the same thing. Tom banks and Meg Ryan. It's, yeah, you've got mail was there. Just, you know, they came back together and did you got mail? Both are Nora Ephraim. Yeah. I like the queen. Rest in peace to just one of the true greats. Um, but, but I, I don't, I like sleep. Simba Seattle is a better movie. Yeah. But I don't like it as much as you've got mail because you've got mail has a whimsical thing about it. Simba Seattle is kind of sad. He's very busted up because his wife died. He lives on a boat house. Yeah. And yeah, and it's his kid is trying to make it happen. Yeah. And there's, there's just, there's a sort of a, there's a somberness to it. You've got mail is a remake of a movie called The Shop Around the Corner. How do you know this? Because I own it. And one of the bonus features is the movie The Shop Around the Corner that it's based on. You watch the bonus features to You've Got Mail. I watch the original movie and the original movie is kind of fun. Like, and it's, it's not even the original original. No, yeah, yes, it is. It is. Sorry. But, um, yeah, The Shop Around the Corner. It's an old romantic film. I forget who stars in it. I can't believe you know this. But You've Got Mail is very, oh, yeah, it's James Stewart. Oh, I like James Stewart. You've got mail is very, there's something very light and it's very New York. That's a movie I watch. I have movies I watch every fall. To get ready for, you know, Thanksgiving, changing of season. So I watch horror movies October because it's Halloween. Obviously. Yeah, then November, I switched to movies that take place in autumn in New York. So when Harry met Sally. Oh, classic. You've got mail. Great. Hand in her sisters. You're gay. In the best way. I love you so much more. Thank you. Like, I love you more now that I know this about you. Like, I didn't realize I just thought you just listened to like crazy music and watch horror movies and just was like angry about stuff. But you're, you've, you've got a nice little sensitive heart to you. I'm extraordinarily sensitive. Oh, I'm very effeminate. Yeah. Very effeminate. In many ways. Yeah. People think that I'm just a dickhead. Yeah. That's what I thought. I thought you were just a dick. No, I don't think you're there. But that's lovely. I like that you admit publicly to millions of people that you watch sleepless in Seattle every fall. No, no, no, you've got mail. Sorry, you've got, sorry, you've got and and the bonus when Harry met Sally. You knew that shop around the corner. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got to take a piss before we get into it. Okay. Just give me one second. Good. Just a push. Nope. I, you know what? When I do love though, I love high fidelity. I was just gonna love high fidelity. Can I talk? Can we talk some gay? Can we, let's talk high fidelity? Because I just, I want to do a depression watching high fidelity. I always do too because I want John Kusak to grow up in that movie and. Okay. First of all, I'm a huge John Kusak fan. I love John Kusak. I, he quit acting. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's weird. He was in a lot of very unknown, like action movies in recent years that were very, like, didn't, I don't think they got theatrical. They may or may not have. Yeah. But they were kind of the equivalent of like when we used to see like straight to video. Oh, point blank. Gross point blank. Amazing. That's a good one. But high fidelity. Is it, no, no, no, the series too was Zoe Kravitz. Oh my god. And I didn't put it together until I watched the movie the other week. I was like, oh my god. Her mom is in the, in the movie. Yeah. He fucked her mom. Yeah. And I forgot about that. And then this, I love the series. My friend Justin was in the series. Oh, what did he play? He played one of the guys. She dates. He played the, the guy she dates where they're making out in a laundry mat. I don't remember that much. And it was like a very, he's, he's, he's almost like the, um, uh, Christ. What's her name? The mom, uh, uh, yeah, I know, uh, Denise, my blanking on her name, my good name. That was her name. Come on. She's Gore. She's the most beautiful woman on the fucking planet. She's not the mom. No, she's the daughter. She's the L, not the second, the second eldest. Come on. Zoe Kravitz's mom. She, uh, so he almost plays like the Lisa Bonet character. He's somebody, or he plays somebody that she has a very quick and like sexual relationship with, but it doesn't turn into anything. Okay. Um, but I loved the series. I was so sad that it didn't get a second, um, season, because at the end, oh, at the end, when she realizes this guy that is so square, and like sort of a jockey kind of financier, whatever, like who she would never date, she realizes this is actually home supposed to be with. And then he goes to her and he's basically like when you grow up, you can come talk to me. It's like, and I was like, what is going to happen? Like what a great will they won't they ending? And then we didn't and get a fucking season two. It makes me so mad. I wanna meet Zoey Kravitz just so I can ask her, what was season two gonna be? 'Cause I bet she knew. - I'd be gay for Zoey Kravitz. - She's her mom. - I'd be gay for her mom. - Lisa Bonay is still like smoking. - God dammit. So you know what I love from high fidelity is when he works in the record store during the day, which is like-- - He owns it. - Dream guy, you're like, oh this guy's like a sensitive, you know, weirdo, and he plays that beta band song, and he's like watch this. And that's like the greatest song ever. It got me into the beta band, which I love. Yeah, I love him. - I watched that movie. I had never seen it straight through. I'd seen it like in pieces. And then the other week, I was just like, why have I never sat down and just watched the street through? And I was like, you know what? I need to pick me up, I'm feeling kind of down. And I got even more sad because it reminded me of this New York that I got to experience that in my opinion doesn't really exist anymore. And I was like, I just wanna go back to this time. I wanna go back to when like, you could theoretically own a record store and make a living. - Dude, how great would it be to own a record store? I would love to. - And I guess you still could, but I can't even imagine my friend Sean owns a record store. I have two friends, Kurt and Sean, that both don't different record stores in the same town in Pennsylvania. Shout outs to both of them, the record shop and forever changes are the names of the two. They're great shops and they love it. But they're there every day, they run their store. And it's awesome. Like it's, when I used to live right down the street from both I could walk to both. And I would go into those stores on a Saturday. And like, they'd be, they weren't huge. So like if there was 10 people in the store, it was pretty crowded. And you'd go in, there'd be 10 people in their playing music and they knew everything in the store. And like I'd go in and like, they would both like on record store day hold releases for me. You know, so I'd get to go in and shout, be like, "Hey man, I got that Wu Tang limited edition for it." You know, whatever it like. I, it just seems like such a lovely, what are we doing? What are we doing in this awful business we're in? What have we done? Is it too late? Is it too late to move to Pennsylvania? Open a record store. You still can. You just won't make any money 'cause nobody really dies. I love records. I still buy them. I go here in Texas in Austin to Waterloo. And I, yeah, I love Waterloo. I love Waterloo. I love Waterloo. I miss the old location. Saying the new one is like, it's weird. It's like in a corporate building. I'm like, what are we doing? Yes. It's a little different. It's still great. My happy place is still going to Waterloo to the movie section. I love going in and shopping for Blu-rays and Four Cays and stuff. I'm very, I get very lost in that section. End of an year is great here in Austin. Oh. End of an year is an awesome record shop. But see, I like-- That's a little more like the high fidelity kind of record. Yeah, I like all T. You know me, I'm in the goth. Sure. I, you know, okay, hold on. We're, we're totally ignoring these gentlemen suitors. I got to find a new step dad. Here we go. Oh. Oh, put your headphones on. Oh, John Cusack. He was my first love. So he's, but what it was saying were a bit-- Same thing. Yeah, he kind of, he's still around. But did you see the video he just came out of him with the Rizzler? No. I saw him being like, I don't do acting anymore. He, the Rizzler was doing some event. And John Cusack shows up at it and goes up to him and does the Rizzler face to him. And the caption was like, it was like a new story. And they were like, John Cusack appeared for five seconds to do the Rizzler's thing to the Rizzler, and then disappeared again. That's it. He's like, that's it. So right. All right, let's see. Oh. I love that song. Why did he call you Rizzler? [LAUGHTER] And he's gone. Oh, no, no, no. Why did he call it why did he call you Rizzler? I love him. Sweetheart. And his sister's insanely funny. Oh, John Cusack rules. John Cusack is so fucking cool. She rules. God, I want to be John Cusack. I wanted Malibu Barbie, she's in the Adam's family. My blue heaven is one of my favorite dishes. Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that one. And she's amazing in it. And one of the greatest lines of all time is in my blue heaven, Steve Martin is trying to hook Rick Moranis up with John Cusack's character. And he goes, you should date her, man. She'd be good for you. And Rick Moranis is like, I don't know because he's going through a divorce. And he goes, if she's so great, why don't you date her? Steve Martin goes, she's not my type. I don't know. I like him like dirty or something. [LAUGHTER] That's our childhood. OK, here we go. Let's hear my other suitor. Hello, this message is for Christina. Yeah, we know. Hello, Mommy. This is John 36-year-old. He's a big heart and a bigger smile. I think you're incredible. And I want to share a poem I wrote with you. All right, it goes like this. The ceiling I get is so genuine and true. Like a spiritual awakening. My God, I found you. I found you in a haze of an illusion of life. I found you in a maze before I knew which way was right. The path is now clear. There's a sign that every turn, my heart and the soul are on fire, and all you can do is let it burn. Flames are intense like every start night. The feeling of one is this, let's us know we'll be all right. So the tear of number felt so secure. I'm lovesick, and you would keep the cure. Whether dying loved and lives loves to love, say goodbye to love, is that where they're constant. But it's what makes life worth living. It makes greedy people worth giving, like a blessing in the skies. Is the truth? There is no lies. Thank you. Take care. See? Now, this is the guy you meet. In front of the mother's ship. That's the guy. That's a good one. This is the guy. And by the way, he worked in a cure reference, my spiritual awakening reference. Here's the one that, if he had worked in a bow house, Peter Murphy, I would have just married him on the spot. But this is great. It is great. I'm meeting this guy. You tell John he's a contender. And you don't want them to hit every note. Right, you have to leave room for growth. Right, because if they hit every note, you get misled and you go, oh, this must be fate. And then it's not. That's true. You don't want it to high expectations. You have to keep it. Yeah, just enough. Yeah. So how do I go into that? Give me a pep talk. Like, how do I? Go into what? Like, I meet John and my expectations are too high. Like, I just go like, oh, this could be cool. No, no, no. That's not what I was saying. What I'm saying is, is let's say he had referenced every one of your favorite bands. Sure. Then you're sitting there going, well, this must be the person because he knows everything I love. And he loves what I love. You don't want that. There's never been a situation where I've ended. Every single time I have met a woman and thought, well, this must be it. Because of all these, I mean, my god, she loves my favorite horror movie. And my favorite band is her favorite band. It must be. It's never that. You always end up, I always, whenever I've dated somebody with any sort of substantial whatever, it has always been somebody that I have very little on the surface in common with our personalities match. But it's somebody that I end up showing stuff I love, too, and then they show you stuff they love. And that's way better. What's way better than let's go experience the thing we both love is you show me something you love. And then I love it. And then you're like, they get it. But what if they don't love it and you love it? And then your heart broken because they don't have the same sensibilities and creatives up. And listen, you and I are dorks in a similar way, like, your thing is movies. My thing is music. And like, I'd be heartbroken if I played a Bauhaus record for my new crush. And he was like, this is fucking gay shit. I hate it. Well, it depends on how they don't like it. There's a way to not like something where it doesn't sound like a judgment against you. True story. That's different. That's different. But if somebody doesn't like, but then there's also like a kind of charming and funny version of that. Like, there's a there is something charming about like the King of Queens dynamic where she doesn't get why he loves Cheetos and the big screen TV as much as she does. And that she'll be like, you're an idiot. You know what I mean? But like, but she loves him and he loves her and doesn't get why she loves makeup and and you know, wants to go to these fancy events and when it like, right, there's something very sweet about that. Well, at the end of the day, too, like, you know, guys and girls are different. I don't know if you know that. They say, I heard. But they're different. I heard. And like, a dude's not going to like exactly the same stuff you like because he's got a dick and balls. Like, I like, I'm not submitting myself as a shooter. I'm just using myself as an example. Of course not, we're friends. Yeah. But I'm just saying, I don't want you to think that I'm submitting myself as a shooter when I use myself as an example. You, I don't like Bauhaus, but there's no doubt in my mind that we would find as friends other bands that we both loved. But there'd be bands I like that you thought socked and there'd be bands that you like that wasn't it? Well, yeah. You do like all your bands sock, though. That's true. Like you, what's the name of the Fouman shoes? Don't you dare. I do. They're the greatest band of all time. And you still haven't listened to them. Because you haven't sent me anything. I sent it to you. No, you didn't. You didn't listen to it. You didn't send it to me. send it to me and I'll give it a listen. - But, here's my, I'll send it to you, but my point is this, if you didn't like them, - Yeah. - Or didn't like, I don't fucking know, run DMC or something else that I've asked for. - Everybody likes DMC, everybody. - I'm just, I don't know, I'm throwing out examples of whatever. We would still have the faith no more where we go. Now see, we both like that. - That's true. - And then you'd have your bow house and I go, I'm adding to it. - That's scary. - But then we line up on this. - That's true. - So my point is that's, you can have that with the guy you date and it doesn't all have to be. No, it lines up exactly. Look at what Tom, you would talk to him like all the same. - I was just gonna say that, I don't think Tom and I crossed lines on what we liked occasionally. Yeah, like some rap stuff we both like, he liked some of my weird goth stuff every now and then. That was enough. That was enough. But, you know, I've never, I haven't dated anybody that likes what I like and since I was like a teenager. So I don't know. But maybe that's 'cause I was a teenager. - It's hard. - You're retarded when you're 15. - You know, I thought like for years, excuse me, I thought, and I'm not saying I'm against it. - Yeah. - But I thought for years I had to date a girl that had, you know, tattoos and worked in nightlife and loved going to concerts and so we could do all these things. And I was like, the older I get, I'm like, you don't need that. You need things that count much more in other departments and it doesn't matter if she likes the same bands I like. What matters is, are we having fun together? Can we find common ground with another thing? Great, great. But, you know, I think that there's a reason that hasn't happened since you were a teenager. - Yeah, that's true. - It's a teenage thing. You don't have anything else to worry about when you're a teenager. You have things to do. - I'm not so true. - Consider now, you don't want a guy that was bow house and then doesn't have to act around your kids. - That's right, well, yeah, no one's meeting my kids. There's no, no, that's true. I've always gone for like worldview and morality to be the most important thing. Like I don't care if you're religion or whatever, but if you're moral and you get it, I think that's most important, right? Can you, yeah, can you, okay, forget what bands do you like? Are you able to have a conversation and be friendly with somebody that doesn't agree with you politically without being a freak about it? - It's like, that's so much more important to me than, 'cause it's like, this is who I'm gonna have to sit at the dinner table with at a holiday. And if they can't, if they're one of these like, "I'm sorry, but I'm just gonna have to. " Embarrassing you at every fucking family function and they have to get their political things out, I would kill myself. If they're arguing with your grandma, your dad about this, "God damn, that's insufferable." That is insufferable, I agree. Thank God, no, Tommy's not. He's never been like that. No, that would run me into the ground. - Yeah, it's fucking awful. It's fucking awful. And then if they go, "Bah, suck." You go, "All right, you didn't yell at my nana." So, there's a tradeoff. - Oh, good. - Fuck. There's a tradeoff here. - Try anything what the most insufferable. I think inflexibility is insufferable. Like, I think, I mean, Tommy and I were never like this, but for instance, if you go on a vacation with somebody and let's say they're into fitness and they're into eating clean and they're into, but you can't go a week without blowing it or just getting, you know what I mean? Just let it rip, dude, for like one week. Can you just be a human and let it all go? That's an insufferable quality to me. - You want to be with the person that goes, we got to get back on track. - Yeah. - Not the person that never gets off track. - 100%. - Yeah. - Because now you got a support system and you have somebody that's like trying to do the right thing for both of you. - Yeah. - But can still have fun. - Have fun. I think that's the secret to whatever friends and everything. You don't want people that are like rigid 'cause that's just not fun to be around. - I used to, I'm sorry. - And racist, but you love racist, right? - It's tops. Yeah. When I wrote on the P-Homes show, when he had his talk show on TBS. - I love P-Homes. - I was talking to him as I walked up to the door today. - No way. How was he doing? - He's doing great. And he's one of my favorite people to talk to, one of my oldest friends in comedy. - Yeah. - But we wrote a monologue for the show once 'cause his monologues were always conceptual. They were never like topical jokes. It was always like a premise. But I think the monologue was called Smoke the Sigeret. And it was just like, for Christ'sakes, like you're at the thing, let it go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - If you're at the Dodger game, eat the fucking hot dog. - I know. - Nobody wants to be with the guy that takes a pair out of his pocket. - Oh my god. - In the napkin and-- - Totally. - You know? - And I think a month and like being in Europe for a month and where they're way more relaxed about smoking and drinking and vice, because they've existed for thousands of years. And they're like, yeah, of course you're gonna drink. Of course you're gonna do these normal things. The abnormal thing is to wake up every morning and go, I'm gonna hit the gym. I'm gonna eat totally clean. I'm gonna be perfect. It's like, that's not really human. That's to me is less human than the one that's like, yeah, fuck it, you know, today we're gonna-- - It's-- - Let's eat some fucking ice cream. - It's, yeah, it's regimented people. You want somebody who is structured, not regimented. - Yeah. - Regiment. - Yeah, I agree, structure, you need to have some parameters, but not like, like they can enjoy their lives. Okay, hold on, but we're still in my suitors. Let's-- - Okay. - Here we go, babes. - This was just this for Christina. - You don't have to see that. - My name's Justin, 41, male, have failure. - That's what we need. - I hope to do any butt stuff. I think you're super hot. - I don't do butt stuff. - I'm depressed too. We got so much fun. I'm not Puerto Rican. - That's okay. - But, you know, Jesus, aim on me. - Hey, baby. - Hit me up. I'll be around. Nice fish. - But I didn't know anything about him. - It's hard to know. - Other than he's depressed and from Pennsylvania, which I find, depressed, great Zamesese, but like, Pennsylvania and depressed, that's it. - He's trying, he's exactly what he's just saying. He's trying to commiserate, it's not the right word. He's trying to congregate over the wrong things. - You know, 'cause I'm depressed, but not depressed all the time. I'm actually really happy person, but then I accept the darkness inside of me. I live in a constant dichotomy of dark, but not depressed. - Well, it's not depressed. - Yeah, I'm the same way and it's like, it's actually one of the reasons why on the podcast, I'm trying to do, I'm trying to incorporate more rants that are just contemplative and some of them are celebratory. I don't want it to all be. - You mean contemplative. And you said Qsack, you said Kusack. And I don't, I think it's Qsack. - Either way. - And I think it's contemplative. Am I right? I'm a foreigner, so I don't often. - Yeah. - It's upsetting me that you're pronouncing these words wrong. - We're not sure that either are wrong. - No, it's not the way to, it's contemplative and then it's Qsack. - This attitude immediately. - I really cut this out of the courting process. If this is, 'cause everybody loves someone that corrects them. (laughing) - I love it. - We're not dating though. - I know. - I'm telling you with other people. - I'm not gonna correct like a potential suitor. - I can play the game. - Hold on, let's pretend we're on a first date. I want you to do it. You just, we're in a restaurant. - You're pronouncing it wrong. - No, go, I think it's. - I think it's contemplative. - We have that, no, I know we just have water, but I'll take whatever we up, just pay now. I don't need it. - Joe, you're my friend and I can do that to you. - I know you can. - I would never do that with a suitor. - As your friend, I'm telling you, don't do that. - I wouldn't never, I would never. Okay, but is it what? - Oh, contemplative. - All right, I didn't say you were wrong. I just said, don't do that on a date. I would never, oh my god. I'm just being a cook on the podcast, but go ahead. - No, anyway, my point was that I'm trying to incorporate things that aren't always, this is annoying and it's, because you don't, you don't want to invite that energy all the time. It's okay that it's part of you, but it's like. - I agree. Well, because you don't want to build a whole relationship with somebody based on shit you hate, which is what comics do. Actually, I take that back. For comedic friendships, it's absolutely based on the same shit you hate and who you talk shit about together, that's imperative. That's what defines us. But I think maybe in relationship world, shouldn't it be based on positive things? - You need the positives. I am very aware of the large chunk of my personality that goes towards, God, fucking damn it, ugh. And when I'm dating somebody, I really try to keep that in its own place. And if I do slip into it, I'm very cognizant to say, hey, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be complaining. I'm just, I don't want it. And I've said to girls, like, you know what? I don't want, they'll be like, how's this thing going? And it's a thing that I know is not good. And I go, Don't want to waste our time focusing on that. Okay, let's let's talk about something good Smart smart, you know, yeah, okay. This guy's name is Lou very excited Lou hey mommy. My name is Lou or you were looking for a man I got a wife and kid A little bit about me. No Rock hard. No Okay, I'm stopping it. Yeah, I'll hear him out, but like I'm not gonna call me babe I'm I've got a wife and kids, but I'm hard. Yeah Why would I ruin this man's family? Yeah, cuz he's got a hard dick. So does everybody well He was saying he's four inches hard. He's saying he has a small dick. Oh, I don't want four inches hard. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't hear that he was doing this well today. This is you didn't there's a few things I know, but like I don't I'm not a savvy with like dude chatter because I haven't engaged in it for like 20 years So you do need to help me decode and I don't hear it cuz I'm like this is insane Well, there wasn't really anything to do to code. He said I'm four inches hard, which was Not really a code. No, I'm just teasing you the the he that guy is a guy making a funny message that wanted to get played and it worked They got played. Okay, you know what I mean got it got it so far the only candidate is the poem guy love the poem What's his name John John I have it written here John the poet. Okay, here we go Okay, here's our next one Hello, Christina. This is your president. This is your president Donald. I seen what happened I said wow. I can't believe that happened but quite frankly it seems like a problem But I stand more as an opportunity an opportunity for growth Wow, let's come back probably this is watch well now I love you quite frankly since road rules 98 You know where to find me. I don't actually. I don't know where to find you Everybody does a Trump I know and I feel like Tim Dylan's is better than well It's so Dylan. Yeah, there's anybody's better than that. I wasn't good. You've got Shane and Matt friend who have nailed and then I'm Matt Richards they they've nailed the impression like yeah, it's that nobody else should do it. Yeah, yeah Yeah, those are the three well that being said. I'm not a fan of like I see what he was doing there I like that he approached it with humor I just but it just didn't we didn't resonate with me. It's not my thing, but admirable attempt. Thank you so much and But I need pictures. I got to see what these dudes look like. I mean John the poet so far. Okay, are you ready to do TikTok? Did wait you have to oh just regular We haven't even read my DMs you ready to go through my DMs. Yes, but are you saying you got submissions on TikTok or you're saying TikToks? No, just the ones that I curate. Okay, these are my DMs. So a lot of people Like the minute I became TMZ announced my divorce. It was like an avalanche of dicks and I just thought I'd share some of the highlights Dick pics you got I don't know because I haven't honestly gone through them. This is a cursory look at my DMs. I'm still afraid. Oh You just meant I thought you meant avalanche of dick pic. You just meant avalanche of dicks. Just offers. I got you Okay, I misunderstood everybody. Would you read these for me? Sure How you won't or how I won't wait how I won't you what the fuck So there's a good sign when there's no profile pic and zero posts Bobby and like here's a thing that Duncan taught me look at the timestamp So it's an admirable time 815, but how I won't you I Think he meant to put an a not an O there, right? I want you or I won't hurt you I don't know. It's got a lot of suspect qualities. I would not accept that. I'd block it if I if I were you But that's already that's probably a bot No, they can write that personal and message Mojis and everything. Yeah, I mean they can bot. There's it's crazy what the bot messages can be They think it be super specific. It's weird. Okay, we're living in a dark time. Okay, so hold on this next guy has been doing this every day for hours since my TMZ article Hold on and last week I made the mistake of following him for a second and then and he was like don't follow him and I unfollowed But he's like the notification already went through. It's too late. Okay, ready here. Yes The hey guy. Oh, there's more. Well, so it started with So this is last week's the bottom one which is hey with two wise and then hey with three wise then four wet and then like the different time stamps and then I like that that He got stylistic with the I appreciate it with the the longer haze and the persistence and the discipline of it But then here's the problem. Okay, so it the haze the wise are getting longer every time and then why would you Why would you tease me like that because he must have seen that I followed him and then unfollowed him promptly? That's not good. Nope. That's not good. This one. Yeah, I'd I'd just follow him back to be honest and just let it lie Should we I don't know what do you guys think last week? They they didn't let me here. I'll get him right now We're playing a real game here these days. I'm gonna follow him ready. Okay I think that might be the right move is it the right move from what though? Well, now he's angry. Oh, we shouldn't anger him. Ah, yeah, I don't know. You know, it's I know Don't I think you need to prove himself a little more before it gets the follow don't follow them. We don't negotiate with terrorists. Okay. Good point. Don't follow. Good point. Okay Okay, all right, here we go If you want to make your ex-husband jealous say what's up? Why do none of them have pictures? Have these been doctored? Yeah, we took the pictures. Oh, okay. Oh, well, you know, I think a picture would help to get some frame of reference here, but that's all right This one is No, well, because I don't know anything about you. It's like you want to make him jealous. Okay. We'll tell me how to make him jealous. What do you have? That's gonna make Tom Sigourer jealous. You're not even telling me this is Scott Ackerman There's a man that owns a different podcast I have another podcast No, I mean who I don't know this is it it's a bad approach Say what's up? It's a bad approach to start with let's try to make your ex-husband so so you tell me you're a single gent what what should be the approach to a newly divorced Woman that you're interested in how would you even begin? I will I'll tell you're not gonna like what I have to say. I don't care It should be nothing nobody should be approaching a freshly divorced person. Oh, it's craziness. There was a woman that I was friends with This was a while back, but we were very good friends and she had a boyfriend and I was very quietly Matuated with her. I very much liked her and we had great chemistry whatever and I remember when she told me she broke up with her boyfriend And I asked a couple friends. What should I do and they were like don't do anything Because you're gonna be the guy that looks like he's swooping in. Yeah, and I was like, oh, yeah, you're right. I just You just have to wait and so so my point is is nobody Should ever be approaching somebody that's just getting out of something freshly divorced because they should also have the self-awareness to say If this is gonna be bad for me too, because I'm gonna be some kind of rebound thing Yeah, you know if I Me to girl and I like her and then she tells me she just went through a breakup. I'm like, okay We're gonna tread real lightly here. Yeah, this is not something we're just gonna go fast and loose with but the other side of that What is it Dix and a jar? Who said that was that Chris rock? Every woman's got Dix and a jar people on on the periphery that are just waiting to swoop in Yeah, he I think well he had I don't know if it's the same joke, but he had the joke about Every every male friend or woman. Yeah, behind glass. Yeah, yeah, it's like if the fire emoji so you break the glass. Oh, yeah but It's yeah, yeah, I'd be wary of anybody That's swooping in for sure. I mean, I'm completely broken and and deranged right now. Yeah, it's insanity But I also grew if you're gonna approach Approach Pitch a little bit. You got to pitch a little bit here. Yeah, what are you offering? It's like it's show okay Then send me a pick or something here's some more suitors - Oh, sorry. - Yeah, good. - Tick cancer, huh? That sucks. You'll be good, homie. - I was from 2024. - Oh. - So he wrote to me two years prior. - Okay, now this one is new. - Yeah. - If you fix my teeth, I'll stay with you forever and three more kids if you want, nope. That's an absolute no. - Why? - 'Cause he's asking you for something. - I mean, I've fixing his teeth as a nothing burger. Like, I mean, if he's a good guy and he wants to be a stepdad and he's got, I mean, what's the big problem? - I feel like you and I are gonna have to do like that movie Hitch, where I train you on how to get back out into dating. (laughing) This is like insane. - I don't know, babe, what do I know? I've been married for two years. - That's what I'm saying. - I don't know anything about anything. - I've been out here the whole time. - Okay, well, I schooled me, please. - I've been on the outside. I don't know. - On the outside? (laughing) - It's like crazy. - I've been on the inside, babe. - I'm like the guy in Shawshank. - Yeah, yeah. - If you put me on the outside, I'm gonna hang myself. I've been on the inside for too long. It's all I know. It's all I know. - So this is okay, so I need your help 'cause I don't know, you know, I don't know from down, left, from right. - Yeah, you don't fucking know. - You don't accept, yeah, you don't know. - Don't do anything for anybody. - I didn't say that, but somebody's starting out with do this for me. - Yeah, that's good. - It's a barter. - That sucks, I don't like that, you're right. - It's also very different. There's certain kind of barters that make sense. - Okay, like? - One barter that would make sense is, if, for instance, you're an older man, and you're pretty well off, and you very much want to have a child, but you don't necessarily want to be married. I think an acceptable barter is, if you meet a woman who might be interested in her, to say, hey, here's my situation. Would you want to have a kid, and I'll take care of you? I'll make sure that you're taking care of it. That's something where somebody's saying, I'm asking for something, but I'm offering something in return. And I'm not even saying, so you should go for that. I'm just saying, that makes a little sense. What doesn't make sense is somebody coming into the equation and saying, if you give me money right off the bat, I will then give you something. - Totally. - And by the way, what is he giving you in return? I'll stay with you forever. - Yeah, it's not possible. - And three more kids. - I don't want three more kids, I've read. - You have three now? - I have two. - I thought you'd, okay. - It's enough, it's enough. All right, here we go. - All right, the first July 20th, please, Christina, please let me hit now, Jesus Christ. Just one time I beg, this is a no. For obvious reasons, I'm 6, 6, 30 years old and specialize in making women come. No, you're not, you're begging to have sex. You'll leave with multiple orgasms as exchange for just one of mine. Let me fuck Christina. Let me plow you, Christina. I'll even marry you and love you. I don't give a-- - What's I do, why do you do it? - I don't give a goddamn. - What's that, kids? - I think of the typos, probably it. - He didn't even proofread. - Nobody proofreads. - But I do like that his offer, it's just starting out as like, "Hey, let me make you come." And then it's like, "Well, let me plow you." And then he proposes marriage. I mean, that's a nice progression of commitment, no? - If you want to explore this comedically, sure, I have a feeling you might be serious. So I'm gonna say no. He's proposing. - I mean, he's proposing to me, yeah. - Everybody using the word come and plow. - I know. - And their initial pitch. - And like women or not, we don't use the same vernacular. I mean, at least, Neanna, I mean, if a guy's, "Oh, make you come." Like, well, yeah, I can make myself come. It's not a selling point. Like, okay, so can I, right? It's not something we look for. - I agree. - Yeah. - Like what are we looking for? - Romance. - Romance person. - Yeah. - A scenery. - Yeah. - A little romance. - Yeah. - The only one so far is John. - Yeah, John got it. - Effort, poem, chivalrous. Every part of that was all the right things. - I'm meeting him. I'm meeting him. Okay, are you ready for my talks? - Sure. I'm addicted to women. - Yeah. - And I'm addicted to fame. And I'm addicted to power, luxury, and material possession. And I'm never gonna stop loving any of that. - So. - Damn dude. - That is what it is. - Yep. (laughing) - Yes, this is a man that, I love all the things he's addicted to and he lives in a tent. (laughing) - No, what is it? - With no light bulb. - I mean, it doesn't look good. - No. - It doesn't look good. - No light bulb. - But I, you know, he's just hustling. He's trying to get his shit. - Mm-hmm. - All right. - Look at the, look how fake the-- - Oh, sorry, sorry. - All right, I'm good. - What about this guy? I'm not sure what the message was here. - It's, look at my long tongue. I imagine what I could do to you. That's, that's what that is. - Again, checks don't really, that's for gay dudes. - It's guys that think, that don't, that somehow think. - It doesn't work for checks. Or maybe they're right checks? They don't know, maybe it's like the right girls. - Not I. - Like what's me out? - Yeah, what checks does that, and you tell me you're single. - It's the approach, it's the approach. David Cross, you said of this joke about the, was seeing the garbage man being like, "Yo, baby." - Yeah. - And he's like, "It must have worked once." (laughing) It's so crazy. He's like, "But it must have worked once." They keep doing it. Like, but, so this, I'm sure at one point, a girl's like, "Oh, baby, that tongue. You could do these things to me." And he's like, "This works." So he keeps doing it in a red lighting. I mean, this couldn't look more sound to the lambs. It's fucking crazy. - The red lighting is so menacing. - Oh my god. - All of it's menacing. Okay. Well hold on, maybe I'll like the next one. - Okay. (upbeat music) - This is my son. - This is every boy in fourth grade. - Wait, that's the whole thing? - Yeah, he's just doing, he's just doing armpit farting. - I thought he was gonna jump off the roof. - I wish. - And do like a stunt or something. - I mean. - What's that called parkour? - Yeah. - I thought he was gonna like, jump and slide down the floor. - And farting and farting. - Yeah, farting and farting. - Yeah. - He's something amazing that he proceeds with the dumbest thing. That would have been great. - I know. - All right. - I mean, I'm impressed. When's the last time he did an armpit fart? - I was never able to do it. - No, it's so hard, right? - It's very hard. - And then the guys that can do it with like this? - Yeah, I could kind of, you have to have sweaty palms. But yeah, that's, I mean, look, I liked it in elementary school. - He's a better suitor than anybody else, but I know it's not a suitor, but my point is, is like, this guy at least he's just being silly. - Top shot, okay. - Yeah, it's like, all right. This guy's having a good time. He's laughing. He knows it's done. - He's having a good day. - Yeah. - Okay, here we go. - Hi, Brenda. Fucking methadone fucking robots. Why do you fuck your daughter's life off forever? I'm taking one fucking drug and having one drink out. You lie in jealous fuck. - Oh, wow. - All right. Who's Brenda? It doesn't matter. The part is, I love when people make videos for one specific person, but they forget the like the entire universe sees them. It's always admirable. And she's like, Brenda, fuck you. And she gave the-- - People do that a lot. - A lot, dude. Okay, here we go. - You like the armpit parts? Here we go. - Oh, wow. - Yeah, he can also do his leg. That's another elementary school boy talent. There's one kid in your class that could do that. - Both India. - Yeah. - Both of the farting people, India, right? I think that was India. - That's what they're known for. - X is prayer blanket. - Here we go. - He's got a fan. I thought that was gonna be good, 'cause I thought that was gonna be a guy that's just like, "Hey, everybody, have a fourth of July. We love New Jersey. You know, I thought he was gonna be one of those guys." - I was hoping for that too, but I think sometimes these dudes don't realize that they're making moving pictures. Like, he doesn't get that it's a video, not just a photo, but I like his nipple. I like seeing what I'm working with. I like the chest hair, very masculine, and I like his fan. - Yes. - All good. - I thought he was gonna do a, "Do you ever watch Big Owl and Vicki?" I follow them on Instagram. They were a married couple. They live in like, I don't know, Queens or something. But it's just food videos. And Big Owl's like a kind of big guy like that, and he's always in there above. - Oh, hold on. you're so lucky. Here you go. Wait, are you kidding? Is it big? I got to have bread when I eat pasta. That's not it. It's this one. Hold on one. But I ain't got no bread today. Ignore that. Ignore that. Let's go to the guy. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. I feel so disconnected. That's funny. That guy's right. I know. Sweet. Okay. Okay. So speaking of, you're going to die. Look who's here. Yes. You're here. Yeah. He's your rad. I love him. I see that. First, I make the first one. And they're afraid to come near the pool. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Balsamic drizzle. I love this guy. He's a vest. Yeah. They're both awesome. Yeah, they're living, dude. That's what's up. American cheese. First. I mean, you're a sandwich guy. Tell me, is that good? He's an American Italian sandwich. Then we go to present the diploma. Hell yeah. I don't like the Balsamic on there. But, but I'm not against American cheese sometimes with Italian meat. Yep. I like I like turkey for sure together. Yeah, that's a good mix. And then the most unbelievable superstar. Look at how thin that is. Look at that. That's good. Those are three great meats. I would have, I would have preferred it with a different cheese and no balls on. A little more. Happy with it. No, I mean, you put it right there. Oh, you did. Beautiful. Let's see. You eat it. Come on. Your creation here. Too much bread, Joe. Too much bread. That's a hefty roll. I would have dug out that roll. And I want everybody to know there's never any crumbs in my pool. Nothing. Nothing. What about a baguette sandwich first? I mean, I would have liked a less like a baguette. I would have dug out the guts of the bread. Yeah. But he, he's always in this pool. She's always, he's only got some food spread. And then my favorite is like she's always trying to get him to eat better. That's all right. Yeah. So she'll bring him like meatballs. She'll be like I made meatballs like did a little something different. And he's like, what did you do? What did you do? He gets like frustrated. And then he eats him. And he's like, these are spectacular. He's like, that's all cauliflower. And he's like, really? That looked pretty good. Yeah, you just have to sauce things properly. You can eat anything if it's seasoned properly. Yeah. You know, they're fun to follow. Yeah. Oh, I'm, I'm just new to them. So kind of cool that you brought them up. Okay. But what about this guy? Do you follow this guy? God bless America. That's a geek off. No, totally. Oh, no, it's not. Is it angels? Or is it smooth? Yeah. God love you. Do you believe he's actually sweaty? So what do you remember? Yeah. And he's got great teeth. That's not a bad looking guy if he cleaned it up. Yeah. I'd be curious to see some of his other tiktok. See what he looks like normal. He said, Petchy's not a bad looking guy. So far, I haven't seen any normal talks. And sweaty guy doing some. All right. You ready for your last one? Just a little sweet kiss off. All right, you guys. I'm finally going to bed. I guess I'm already in bed, but gorgeous. Love y'all. I hope you all have a good night. Thank you. See you in the morning. Okay. That's a great one. Yeah. That's a guy. That's a guy. Yeah, you date that guy. Look how well manicured his room is. He's got the wood bed frame. Oh, yeah. Like the like the the bespoke wood bed frame. And he's well manicured. He's in shape. Yeah. And I do like that he's considered like, hey, have a good night. I like you. Yeah. To consider it like good good messaging all over. And write sweet dreams, wishing everybody well. That's nice. That's a good one. That gives me hope that this whole world hasn't lost fucking mind. Okay. Uh, Joe DeRosa, your new special. I never promised you a Rose Garden is streaming now, right now on Netflix. Listen to Joe every Thursday your show, Vile and horrendous every Thursday. A new episode. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Had a blast. I did too. I love seeing you. I love you. And I'm glad that you guys are doing well with this transition that you're going. I'm transitioning. Yeah. I'm getting a dick. Don't cheapen it. I was saying a nice thing. I was trying to do a sweet dream. Sweet dream. All right. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. I should have accepted it. I love you. Love you. Nice. F-A-R-K, 4K, 4K, 4K, 4K. I'm a little bit right. I have to. I'll over my face. It's just like. It's just like. It's just like. F-A-R-K, 4K, 4K, 4K. It's just like. F-A-R-K, 4K, 4K. F-A-R-K, 4K, 4K. It's just like. F-A-R-K, 4K, 4K. It's just like. F-A-R-K, 4K. It's not really that bad. It's just like. It's just like.