The Hero's Secret Life: Part 2

The following program contains names, places and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only and any commentary from the hosts or strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a left one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233-4-Support. We're back. Happy Dating Detective's Monday. Happy Dating Detective's Monday, hi Hannah. Hi, hi everybody. Your back for part two will get to it very quickly but thank you first of all to anyone that came to crime con and said hello to us. It was amazing. Oh my gosh, we got to squeeze so many of your necks and meet a lot of our patreoners face to face. You guys are amazing. It was so cool. You were amazing on the live laugh larceny live show say that 10 times fast. Wasn't that so fun? So fun, anyone. Congratulations. Yes, I did. I said you wouldn't be welcome back if you didn't bring home the W. Just listen to that podcast, but yeah, it was so much fun and I'm so glad we went. Yeah, and just your support there, all of you that showed up. Oh my gosh, and then so many people were like, wait, wait, there was wait, what? Well, I didn't know there was crime fun. If you didn't come to crime con, but you live in Chicago or Orlando or Tampa, you can still come hang out with us at one of our live shows this summer, seamless transition. I know. No, I'm really excited. You know I've never been to Chicago. So July 16th will be in Chicago. And August 5th will be in Orlando and August 6th will be in Tampa, which is my stomping grounds. The tickets are on sale now. They're in the show notes. They're going fast. So get your friends, bring a date. We can suss them out for you, whatever we just want to hang out with you. Yeah, I'm so excited for the live shows. And last word of business, thank you. If you subscribe to our Patreon, we have two bonus episodes every month. And we also just like chat with you and do a lot of other extra fun, goody things. It's $5 a month. And if you support us there, then you're like a big reason why we do this show. Why were able to do it? Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. We have so much gratitude for you. We're so grateful. Thank you. Shall we get into part two? Yes, let's get into it. And just there is a little bit of a trigger warning for animal abuse. There will be a trigger warning right before it. So if you don't have the heart to listen, we totally understand and just wanted to give you a little warning beforehand. We also talk more about addiction and there's some violence and a lot of other ways. And you will hear about that. And if you haven't listened to part one, go back, listen to the beginning of Emma's story. But we left off where Emma suspects her dogfish of maybe stealing some pain pills on her trip. But then he says, check with your pharmacy. And it turns out the pharmacy was taking some pills. Yeah. And who to think it like I was like, the pharmacy wouldn't do that, right? What a good excuse. Well, she ends that part with two things can be true. So we have to keep listening because there's more to it. Yeah, what are the two things that can be true? I have my guesses. When I found out that the pharmacy was in fact the ones shorting my prescription, I thought it was all over and laid to rest. And I didn't realize that at the time, but it was the perfect excuse for him because it totally exonerated him. I was like a chain reaction of events just clicked into place, but they clicked into the wrong place because not only was the pharmacy taking, but someone else was too. Two things can be true. And I would find that out later. I think deep down inside, I knew what was happening, but I wasn't ready to come front that. So I think I just tried to like, well, it was a pharmacy who possibly had been him, and he's passing his drug tests that worked. Right. Case closed. Right. Yeah. I would think that too. But maybe he's doing something that isn't being tested for by his job. Yeah. What I'm thinking. And I don't know what that would be. I don't know. I was thinking it maybe some sort of psych drug or something, but I continued having my prescription counted. I know I'm getting the right number. Did he know that you had asked them to count it? No, no. Oh, okay. I'm being exceedingly careful with putting them in my pill planner so that if it does start to happen, I know exactly who it is. A few months later, we plan a trip to Hawaii again. And we decide that, I'm paying for the hotel and the car rental. And then he's supposed to pay for airfare and activities. And I let my doctors know what kind of adjusts my prescription schedule so that I won't run out mid-trip. Everything's great. Get everything filled. I ask Adam to send me our plane ticket info, because I still don't have any idea what time we leave or anything. And he's like, oh shit, I haven't done that. I didn't realize I was supposed to buy the plane tickets you were supposed to. I'm human. I'm human. I forgetful head injuries, you know. I'm like, did I? I mean, I guess I could have, but that's unlikely, but whatever. I'll just buy the plane tickets because I've already paid for the hotel and the car. And so I may as well. So I put the bill for the plane tickets. And when we go for our trip to Hawaii, we get there and we land. And I'm like, okay, what are we doing today? What's on the schedule? Because we landed real early in the morning. And he's like, oh, I thought we could just settle in today and maybe hang out on the beach or something. Just something like chill and recover from jet lag. And I'm like, I don't get jet lag. That's my problem. Yeah. But okay, when are we start going? Yeah. So on the next day, I think we want to like a hike, which costs no money, which is fine. Love a hike. But still, I'm tracking. Like, okay, now this has cost a zero dollars. The next day, we drive on a highway, which is like another free thing that you can do, which let love all the gardens. Yeah. But he bought us sandwiches to go for the whole day. For the whole trip, that's pretty much all we're eating are deli sandwiches from 7-Eleven and stuff, which is odd. I don't think we ever went out a nice restaurant. And it's all brewing in my head. I've got a million questions, but I don't want to bring it up on this trip. And it's baffling to me because last I saw it, it was personal account and 60 grand in it. So you should have no issue paying for a dinner or a massage. Yeah. When was, when did you see that 60 grand? It had just been a few months prior to that. It really wasn't that long ago. But towards the end of this trip, of course, I run out again of my medications and I finally have to confront him about it because I know for a fact it's him. And he denied everything. He played innocent like, again, maybe it was the hotel staff and I said, not this time because I've been keeping my locked bag in my backpack the whole time. And it's been on my back this whole trip. So that's absolutely not what's been happening. It's you. And yeah. And so of course, he does the master manipulator narcissistic thing to do, which is such then admit to it because he's caught. So oh, I have a problem. I'm so sorry. It's just gotten out of control. I didn't mean to be stealing from you. I didn't want to hurt you. As soon as we get back, I'm going right back to AA and I'm going to start working on my steps again and this is never going to happen ever again. How are you feeling as you have this conversation? I'm pretty fucking mad. And I think I've been mad like truly mad two times in my entire life. So it really takes a lot. So I was mad but probably not as mad as I should have been. Yeah, that's just who I am unfortunately. I like to bottle it up and then wait for the right time to just explode on somebody. But also you can be mad and still love someone and want to support them at the same time and you seem like well, then you're torn and you're like, I love this person, but also I'm mad at them and that's a very conflicting feeling. Yeah, yeah, it really was when I had put everything together and realized what it was that was happening that he was using again and he was not sober. I felt like, okay, now it's out in the open and we can address it. We can pull this thing out into the light and get a good look at it and come up with a game plan to get over it and solve this problem and move on. And everything will be fine. So we get back home from this trip and we had an argument every two weeks about it or a discussion every two weeks about it. And he would always promise, yes, of course, he'd say whatever he needed to say in the moment to appease me and like all addicts are very clever in what they do and they know how to trick us really well. And he did it as a master at it. He kind of laid the fault up my feet instead of taking responsibility himself for his actions. So he just said, well, you're the one with the prescription and it's in our house. I can't take anything from work because it's all logged. So I've never had the opportunity to try these things and do them and felt very guilty because again, I brought it into the house and it tempted him. I think outwardly I was very apologetic, but in my head, I'm thinking, yeah, I may have brought it in here, but it's not like I forced them down your throat or told you to take them. 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So I start really scrutinizing all of his behavior really paying attention to every little tick and twitch and everything that seems odd, any money that goes unaccounted for I'm on it. At the same time, he is taking a test to get a promotion within the fire department to battalion chief, which they work directly under the fire chief. And he had applied to do this two times prior and failed the testing for it. So this was really important to me, been working a decade on it. And somehow he manages to pass it. I guess he's really good at his job. But don't they do a drug test. I guess they don't. You would think they would public service requires drug test on. I would think so, but I know that after he had gone to rehab and gotten in trouble, he was mandated to for two years or a certain period. But when that ended, I think it was very infrequently. And maybe he was getting a heads up. I don't know. Yeah, maybe. As he like goes back to work, how do you feel that would scare me? Yeah, to have him go back to work and not know if he's recovering or not. Yeah, because once he starts working as the BC, the battalion chief, he starts working longer hours. And so we stopped commuting together all of the time, because there were some days where he would have to work on one of the days that I had off. So we were just random hours. He was working really late to midnight and stuff. So we weren't always commuting together. And I at this point was putting my detective hat on because he was really not very tech savvy. So I went on his phone and I turned on, find my iPhone so I could see his location. And I also turned on his iPad. I turned I messages on so I could see all the text messages as a boy. And then I set up his iPad to save all of his passwords and logins to all of the accounts that he had. Yeah, specifically, I was after his email. What do you think you're going to find? Drug use is rampant in the first responder world. Oh, really? Oh, God. Really sad. They all, I think have a lot of traumatic incidences and they go through a lot and they don't always get there before it. That makes sense. So I guess I kind of figured I would see a line stuff from co-workers or having some kind of conversation about it. Yeah, something. But not quite what I find. I, what do you think he starts working late and he would tell me, oh, I'm at a really bad job right now. And I'm having to stay at the office and finish up the paperwork for it. And I'll be an hour or two later than normal. And then I would pull up his location and he would be in a completely different county. And he would text him and be like, hey, it's the office work going and he'd be like, it's really boring, but I'm getting through it and I'm like, I see that. Yeah. As he's driving down the coast and I don't know where he's going or why or what he's doing. I don't know what's there. No, because he's not getting text messages. Because as you know, it's only going to show you text messages with other iPhone users. Yeah, right. So whoever he was communicating with did not have an iPhone. So this happens a few times and you're waiting on the information rather than confronting him right away. Yeah, because I don't like to get mad without having all of the information. I was like, I need to gather all of the information I can get and then decide what to do from there. It happens a couple times where he'll tell me that I'll just be an hour or two later than normal, but then he's nine hours later coming home. What? What's that's crazy? Okay, carry on. Sorry. So I'm thinking, are you seeing a sex worker because he drive out somewhere remote and then just sit there hours and then just drive home. What else would you be sitting there that whole time and I'm not going to ask him about it. I don't want him to know that I can see everything that's going on. So I started checking out our bank accounts and not only mine, but I had the logins to his his bank account. He had been taking $500 cash out every single day. What for what every single day and he had been doing it for months and months and at the same time at night, I go to bed and I am a light sleeper. I noticed that he would wait until I would be asleep and then he would get up and go downstairs and he would close all the doors and between us. When I get up and I go downstairs, I would find him completely passed out, he'd be all alone, of course. But there would be this white powder over every surface. The kitchen counters. I'm still baffled to the table. The hood of his car. Wait, there was like powder on the hood of the car. Yeah, and then he'd break leaves off of my house plants and rolls them up. And I'd find rolled up tubes of leaves in places, which at the time, I don't know why I didn't connect to and to, but it wasn't clicking in my head. But after maybe three or four wild nights of his, I figured this must be coat. And obviously we all know what the leaves were for in retrospect. They were straws. But that was about the time where I started really begging him to get help. Telling him that he needs to go to the chief at work and tell him what was going on or tell him at the very least that he needs a month off to go back to rehab. And I wrote him very heartfelt letters. We had very long conversations long into the night. I'd always end up crying because I desperately desperately wanted him to pick me to choose me and our relationship over this substance. And he repeatedly picked the substance. And every single time that happened, I felt more and more worthless. Like, maybe this is just going to be how it's going to be. This is just my life now. And I knew that I needed to start working on a way out. But we were so entangled at that time that I couldn't just say I'm out here. We had joint accounts. My name was on a lot of different things. We had a car together. And so I needed to just start working on an exit plan. And part of that exit plan, I knew it was going to be ugly. And I knew he was going to do ugly things because he had stopped being the same person. He was a different man once he started using. And I knew I was going to have to have some sort of leverage against him to be able to get out cleanly. And so that's when I bought the cameras. And listen, I hate to invade people's privacy. It's one of my biggest things is that everyone deserves privacy. But at some point, my safety and my animal safety trumps your privacy needs. So I put them up in the kitchen. We had a space between the cabinet, the top of the cabinets and the ceiling because so far, the kitchen was the only place I was finding it in the living room and the two rooms are attached. So I needed clear evidence that he was doing coke. And I think on the first or second night, when I woke up in the morning and reviewed the footage, I had very clear evidence that he was in fact doing coke in the kitchen all over the cabinets in the coffee table and those places. And after the first couple times, I realized I could hear voices downstairs with him. What is going on? Other people talking down there. Yeah. And that is when the cameras start capturing him bringing these other people into the house. If you ever wake up sweaty, freezing, or just uncomfortable, and you guys, for me, let me tell you, I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, but I've been waking up sweating a little bit. And then other times I'm totally freezing. Anyways, the temperature on your bedroom can make or break your sleep. That's why I switched to miracle made sheets. They're inspired by NASA technology, and they use silver infused temperature regulating fabric to help you sleep perfectly all night long. 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That's try miracle dot com slash TDD code TDD at checkout. Thanks to miracle made for sponsoring this episode. And I start checking his emails. I have yet to find anything suspicious in them. And then one day it occurs to me to check his recently deleted. And in there, I find the mother load there are dozens and dozens of emails of him reaching out to sex workers on Craigslist. And he would ask them if they had any meth. So it's even worse than I thought. Why do you, you don't email that. And then when he would find one that did, he would invite them over. Can you just talk me through? I was going through your head as you read that first email. Oh god. Just absolute shock and horror. It was the last thing I expected to find. Certainly that he was trawling Craigslist sex ads. And then the fact that he was inviting them into our house while I was asleep upstairs. That's disgusting. It was great also. I'm or the biggest dumbass. Yeah, yeah. Well, a brave dumbass bad combo turns out. I guess now I'm thinking about the invincibility that comes with being a hero of the community thinking you can get away with anything. He could have adopted that mentality too. So brave and stupid. I was making it all up and just trying to make him look bad. Who knows? So I need as much evidence of exactly what's happening as possible. And I also need to make sure that I am keeping myself safe. So I told one friend about this. And I said every Friday, I'm going to email you everything I have collected. And if you don't ever hear from me, then you need to call the police and you can give them all of this material. Wait, so you thought maybe you were that in danger? Yeah, because once I put the cameras up in the kitchen and the front door and started seeing the people that were coming into my house. Oh yeah, I was more than terrified. I felt like a cornered animal, but I'm saving all of these videos, sending them to my friend for safe keeping. And then you go downstairs the next day and have coughing go to work. This is your life right now. Yeah, sweep up whatever the drugs are and just try and leave. I was spending as little time in that house as I possibly could. I was just taking both dogs with me. We stopped talking simply because I would go to work during the day. And then on my days off, if he also had a day off, he would be passed out because he was up all night partying or he was up for the last three days partying. And so there really wasn't an opportunity for us to have any discussions. I didn't want to have any discussions. So it was fine by me. But we were basically two trains passing in the night. Now one of my best friends was getting married right as this was hitting. And I was supposed to be in her wedding party. And so I was saving $5,000. It wasn't a long distance wedding, but I did need to stay somewhere and I would need to be there for a couple of days and buy a dress and do all the things. And so I was setting aside five grand to be able to do this. And I kept telling him about this. So he knew I had a hard limit in our joint account of 5K. And I realized I'm going to have to put this money in my personal account to keep him away from it. And the whole time he's like, Oh yeah, it'll be fine. No big deal. If you run out, I have plenty. No, you don't. I know what you have. You have nothing. You've gone through somehow probably $100,000. Wow, one year. Yeah. And I started getting foreclosure. Oh, you've missed a mortgage payment. Oh, I got to get your exit plan going. Yeah. I think a lot of women, when we realize that a relationship is done for, we start checking out and separating ourselves from the relationship, kind of building up a wall. And brick by brick, I was building up this wall of separation between us. So when the time finally came for me to confront him, I felt absolutely nothing except fury. I was furious with him for a lot of things, but I woke up one day and I saw that he had had full-on pimps and sex workers. Oh, my. - I basically confronted him about it. I was like, what is going on? I played dumb. Why are you taking out all this cash? What are you spending it on? And he was like, I have a problem. - Yeah, I'm gonna have my other promise. - Yeah, my best friend had been begging me to go to an Alonon meeting, which is different than AA. Alonon is for friends and family of people who are in AA. It's a support group. So we had our anniversary and he did not acknowledge it, whatsoever. It was our five year anniversary. And that just broke me. So I'm like, you know what, fuck it. I'm gonna go to this Alonon meeting and I'm just gonna sit and listen and I went to that meeting. And I listened to a room full of women with the exact same story. There has really been doing the exact same bullshit. They all had the exact same excuses. And these women had been married to them. Unfortunately, they were married and they'd been with them for decades. And so they wouldn't get out. And it was shocking. I think I just sat in the back of that room and balled the whole time. - Yeah. - It was just, it was too much and it was eye opening. So the second I got home, I confronted him and I said, you know what, I'm done. This is over. I'm gonna leave and you're never gonna hear from me again. And he flops the handle. He was enraged. I've never seen anyone react this way. Clearly he was high on something. But I started chasing me through the house screaming, I'm gonna kill you. - Oh no. - And my dogs are terrified. They're trying to keep up with me because they are also terrified of him. And I'm just looking for someplace to get away from him. And I run into the first room that is easily defensible and it was a bathroom. So the dogs come in with me and I slam that door shut and I spend the next two days in that bathroom. - Oh my god. - Trying everything. He probably weighed 250 body slamming the door for eight, 10 hours straight. And the whole time he's screaming, I'm gonna fucking murder you. I'm gonna get in there just way. And then he'd be quiet for a little while to see if I'd come out and then just suddenly start trying to tear the door off the hinges. And I don't have a phone in there. I didn't think to grab my cell phone. I'm trapped. I'm trapped in this room with two dogs for days. - Were you okay? How are you even? - I mean, I had water. I had water and at least there was a toilet in there 'cause it's tough being in a locker and with two little dogs for two days. We didn't have any food or anything else. And there was no window so I could escape out a little bit of anything. - Make an effort for anything, yeah. - No, I was literally - Holy shit. - I mean, if I had ended up in a bedroom, I could have climbed out a window but I would have had to leave the dogs in there at the time. They were everything to me. I think just because I was in such a vulnerable situation, I really needed them for support. They were my support system at home. So it was terrifying. I didn't sleep at all for those two days. The dogs were terrified. We had water at least, but otherwise, I was trying as hard as I could to keep that door closed and not let him in. And then I realized I actually have quite a bit of blackmail material. And my friend is waiting to hear from me on Friday, which is that day. And so I tell him that. I'm like, listen, I want you to go downstairs and I want you to climb up onto the kitchen cabinets and I want you to look on top of the kitchen cupboards behind the fake plants. And then I want you to come back up here and tell me what you find. And he disappears. And then a couple of minutes later, I can hear him flying up the stairs and he's even more furious. He's like, you fucking bitch. I can't believe you would do that. What have you done? What have you done? And I said, listen to me. - Yeah. - If you don't leave this house right now, my friend has everything that I have captured and she will send it not only to the police, but she will send it to your boss. So if you don't leave the house for the next week and allow me to get out, that's what's gonna happen. - Oh my God. - Yeah. And he was quiet and finally decides, okay. - Bye. - Any leaves? - Did you think you were gonna die? - For sure. That was gonna be one of those women whose story you hear on 60 minutes and the whole time you're like, obviously this is where it was gonna lead to. Why didn't you get out sooner? - No. No, you're not stupid. - No, we all make mistakes and I learned from it. (upbeat music) - If I'll heard about it, we've talked about it on the show and we've talked about some creators and to some creators. You might know a creator of some of those mom maybe an old classmate, an actual adult film actor. 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(dramatic music) But I got out of the house and I packed everything up. After he had me in the bathroom, he went to the bank and pulled the last amount of money out of our joint account. Knowing full well that that was all of the money I had 'cause I didn't have another account I had been putting money into. So when I went to leave, I realized I had no more money. So I had to threaten him yet again with going to his chief and showing him these pictures and videos and telling him everything if he didn't put the money back into that account. So I could get my own place and put a down payment on it and he didn't give it all back, but he did give I think $3,000. I think that's what I got back. There was maybe 15 grand in there, but he said he had spent it all. And I don't doubt that. My mom helped me move everything out and gave me a little bit of an ending to at least get someplace safe. And I took both dogs with me. As this is all happening, my best friend's wedding was happening and so I completely missed her wedding. And I told her a lesson to this when it comes out because she doesn't know this story. I don't think I've ever told her why I wasn't there, but fortunately we are still best friends and she forgave me to pass it somehow. So if you're listening, I love you very much. And we love you very much too. - We love you too. - Wait, can you talk about that a little bit because I understand maybe not wanting to share that while someone's getting married, but what kept you from wanting to share with someone who's such a good friend? - Yeah, that's a good question. - I think I was just really mortified and embarrassed and humiliated that I let it go on so long. And I hadn't figured it out sooner and I hadn't left sooner and that I allowed things to get so out of control to such a degree. And that's what it took to finally wake me up and get me out of there. - And Alan on, did that make you feel a little less progress enough to confront? Yeah. - Oh yeah. - Totally. To this day, I remember that meeting. It changed my life. I just saw myself in 30 years. Like this is who I'm going to be in 30 years. - This is where I'm going to be, yeah. And I learned all addicts do the same shit. It's almost like they have a handbook they all read from, it's uncanny. And I was just listening to myself in 30 years. So it was really eye-woke opening. If I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have left at that time. Who knows what would have happened. I hope that someone is listening to this who is going through something hopefully at the early stages and is hearing things that sound familiar. And I would recommend looking up your local Alan on and just go for one meeting. You don't have to talk. You can just sit in the back of the room and listen and just see how you feel at the end. It was enlightening. - Oh yeah. - But story's not over. It gets, it gets worse. - Oh shit. Keep talking, sorry. - So two weeks after I moved out, he calls me up and he's mad. And he's like, "Oh, I thought you said, if I left, you weren't going to call the chief and tell him about all this." And I was like, "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't tell your chief any of this. I didn't tell anyone anything. I didn't tell the police anything." - I didn't tell my best friend. - Yeah. - Right, you just wanted to get on with it. - Yeah, nobody knows. So I don't know what you're talking about. And he's like, "Well, I just got sent home on suspension." And I'm like, "Well, I don't know what to tell you." - Sorry. - It wasn't me. - That sounds like a you problem. - Yeah, what'd you do? It sounds like a personal problem, a little bit luck, but the cops start calling me shortly after that. They want me to come in and talk to them. And first, I'm like, of course, (laughs) I have so much information for you. And then I think, no, let me call a lawyer first and just make sure, 'cause whatever he's in trouble for, he could be trying to frame me. So I called a public defender and she was like, well, you're not being charged, so I can't really give you advice, but my advice is if they call you again, just say, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm baking cookies and they are about to burn. I have to go and hang up on them. Stop talking to them. You don't have to talk to them. And I was like, really? And she's like, yeah, stop talking to them. Don't go down there. You don't have to talk to them until they have a warrant. - Yeah, but even then, get an attorney first. Don't talk to the police. They're not your friend and the positive he was trying to frame me. But it turns out-- - Also, he might know a bunch of police officers. He works with all these responders. - For sure, for sure. But I'd say maybe a month or two after that, he showed up at my barn looking very clean, cut, professional put together. He said he had been let go from work and he was back in rehab and going to A-A again and he was wondering if he could have his dog back. He wanted to have something to live for, something that would depend on him for survival, that he would have to come home to every evening to feed and care for. And I remember thinking back the first two times he went through rehab, his cat got him through it. And I felt really bad because the dog wasn't really mine. It was his and he looked better, like he looked clean. So I said I would think about it and he left and I thought about it and I decided to do it. So a few days later, I packed the dog up into the car and I drove back to our house and I opened the garage door and I eventually caught her to stay in there and closed the garage door and washed my hands of it. I thought then a few months go by and I start getting messages from our next door neighbor who's keeping me updated. She's like, hey, the Pimp whose name is Victor and his friends have moved into the house and they're pretty much doing drugs all day. And then a few months later, she's like, okay, all the utilities have been turned off at the house. So they're all living in tents in the backyard. - Oh my God. - And you're not paying for the house. - No, no, it's his house. - It's his house. It's all in his name. I'm nowhere near him at this point. And sometimes Victor and him get into fights, almost like they're playing tag, but with large knives in the middle of the night, in the street. - Did you ever in your whole relationship expect this to be where he's, no, he's, we lived in a nice neighborhood, a respectable community. It was family's house playing knife tag with a Pimp. - Yeah, this neighbor, she had three young daughters who were seven, nine, and 11 at the time. And she's like, yeah, the cops are calm stilling out here. And then I hear he's removed at the front door for some reason and replaced it with a curial cabinet. So he's now losing a curial cabinet is a front door. - Oh my God. - But the last message I got from her, she wrote me, hey, I have to let you know, last night was really bad. He was out in the streets screaming in the middle of the night, just making noises. And my husband went outside to ask him to be quiet because he was frightening our girls. And he really didn't react well. He basically attacked her husband, came up and hit him. And her husband makes it back inside safely. But Adam is not leaving their front door. He's pounding at it and throwing rocks at the window, trying to break through the windows. And he's yelling at them, are you better hope? I don't get in there because if I do, I'm gonna rape your daughters and make you watch me, fuck and do it. And then I'm gonna kill them. - Oh my God. - So obviously they call police again. The police show up, they know him. They've been there many a times. They are quite familiar with Victor, and Adam and the whole group of girls. And the neighbors happened to be out on the front lawn 'cause they were also talking to the sheriffs about what had happened. And the wife overheard the conversation they were having with Adam. And this one lady sheriff kept asking him where Sarah was the dog because-- - Yeah. - Usually they would take her into animal control until he got out. And then he could come and pick her up. - Hey everybody, I am just jumping in because we're about to get to the point in the story with some significant animal abuse. If you would like to skip a head, skip about one minute. - And she's like, where is she? We need to get her. Usually she's barking. You know, here barking, what's going on? And he keeps telling her, I got rid of her, I got rid of her, I sold her. And she's like, I don't believe you. Tell us where she is. - This is your dog. - Yeah. And he finally just gets annoyed enough that she's asked him so many times. He said, she's in my closet. - Oh, no, God, no, I don't want an oh, God. - So the sheriff goes upstairs and she comes back downstairs. And he had stabbed the dog, get stabbed. And then stuffed her in his closet. So the whole point in the story, it's been so long, it's been decades since this happened and I still have yet to forgive myself for not poor dog. Like the single biggest mistake of my life. Truly, I'm shocked. - I didn't think he would do that. If I had ever thought that would have happened, I obviously would have kept her. - Who's that? - I'm so sorry. I didn't expect you to say that. I mean, I definitely was expecting something bad, but that's. - I am so sorry. Oh, that must weigh on you so heavily. - Oh yeah, every day I think about it. - Which is why I take such good care of my dogs. I don't think I'd ever let any of them go. I love animals more than people usually. - Oh my God. - So you don't get to do that. Does he go to jail? - He's been in and out multiple times. They never found the knife, and my ex had just disappeared in the night. So when they finally caught up to him, they held him for a couple days and questioned him, but they didn't have the weapon and he never confessed. So that was it. - This is unreal. He fell so far down. - I did see him once, here's later. Showed up at my barn, weirdly, and my groom was there, I wasn't there, but I was out to lunch. So I immediately went back to the barn to make sure everything was okay. And I passed him on the street and to go from 252.75 to being 100 pounds, he looked like a walking skeleton. - Oh man. - The only way I recognized him or his eyes, his eyes were the only thing that gave him away. - Everything else was completely different. And we made eye contact, 'cause I'm sure you recognized my car, and I was like, my God, that's him, that's him. - Did you ever talk to his family or people in his life that you had known? You just got out of there. - I just got out of there. I did go back to the station at one point, just to talk to the fire chief, Kiseki and I were very close and the secretary of the office, and I downloaded her on what had happened. But the chief treated and saw him as a son and he was like, that's it. He lied to me three times and I want nothing to do with him. - Is that where Adam's story with you ends and how do you move on from that? How do you date again after that? - You don't, just don't, fucking don't. - Just lock your doors. - Just don't, no. - Well, I know that you said you listen with your husband. So obviously you were able to again, at some point. - Yes, yeah, and he's fabulous. We are best friends, we both work from home. So we are literally with each other 24/7 and we're just inseparable. - Oh, I love that. - So how did you get to that? Yeah, how did you get back out there after? - Tinder, we met on Tinder. - But were you like scared to trust somebody again? How do you emotionally get out there again? - Not really because he's a completely different person. I'm not gonna hold what someone else did against than somebody else who's a completely different person. - I will, I'm gonna do that till the day I die. Everybody will suffer for what everyone else is going to be. Period. - Yeah, it's like hard you take everything that you learn from these past relationships and I'm so glad that you're able to move on from it because there's so much tied into any relationship with an addict, any relationship with anyone lying. Like now looking back over the course of it, getting distance. from it? Are there moments that feel so different to you? -Oh, yeah. -Then they do the time. -Yeah, yeah. I was in a lot of danger that I kind of just flitted through. I just had no clue the amount of danger that I really was in. And I should have left far before any of that happened. I should have listened to my femtuition. I knew really quickly what was happening with the prescription drugs. I'm not an idiot, but-- -But it doesn't register right away. -I didn't want it to be that way. -Yes, that's a really good point. I didn't want it to be that way. -It's almost like you're choosing between two bad situations. Do I want to keep living this life that I'm comfortable in, even though I'm denying the truth? Or do I want to confront it and risk my safety, my financial safety? I have to do a lot of work. -Yeah, a lot of work to move out and find something else. -It's like disentangling finances and telling everyone what happened. And it just seemed like too much. And I didn't want to abandon someone that could be helped through it. I kept thinking I got them through once before. -I can fix him. -That's what we do. That's what we do. It's so common. -Yeah, but it's not my job. You have to fix yourself. -What would you say to someone who's with an addict in that situation right now? -You can't fix him. There is literally absolutely nothing on the face of the earth that you can do for him that will fix him. Because he has to want to get sober himself and he really does have to hit rock bottom. And he may have to hit rock bottom multiple times. And he may think he's hit rock bottom, but he's still got 30 more floors to go before that really happens. And do you really want to be on that ride with him? Can you afford to be psychologically and physically and financially? And as hard as it is and as inconvenient as it is to disentangle your lives, it's just going to get more complicated the longer you're with that person. I would really go to Alan on and tell me that their stories aren't identical to your story. And it will open your eyes. -Well, you're helping people with your story today. -Yeah, hopefully, at least one person. -Even if it's just one person. And I don't think we've talked about Alan on before on the show. It's alcoholics anonymous, but for the families, for people supporting the drinker. -Yes, and it's just as important. If you have someone in your life who's going through AA or alcoholics anonymous, you need to be going to Alan on so that you can learn the correct way to support that person. -And to prioritize yourself in that journey. -And not accidentally just be enabling the person. -Yeah, and you don't realize you're doing it. You think you're helping. -Yeah, I thought I was helping and I was just enabling. -Well, I'm glad that you brought it up because there's someone out there that goes, wait, I know someone like that, I need this and they're going to know exactly what to do. And I had never heard of Alan on. And so I think that's incredible. So thank you so much. -It's great. -I'm just sorry you went through all that. -That must have been so difficult. -Oh my God. -You know what, it makes a great story. So at least I got that out of it. -Yeah, you have to look at it sometimes. And you're happy now and your husband has the biggest green flag ever, which is that he likes the dating detective. -Yeah, that's the biggest one. -We love Mr. Emma, for sure. -Yeah, yeah. You know what, I'll be sent to humor. We'll get you through pretty much everything. -We laugh so we don't cry. -I mean, it is what it is. -Also, and you know this, especially with addiction, nobody really knows what it's like unless they're in it. So to hear from you is so much more powerful. And we love being able to hand the mic over because you're the one that can make the difference, unfortunately, but you're doing it. -Yeah, thank you again, Shoma. You're just incredible. -Thank you, guys. -Okay, so a lot of things happened that I. Okay, I don't know. I can't believe that. First of all, I can't believe the pharmacy was taking the pills. Like, that was. I mean, horrible, but what good luck on his side? -For sure, but for sure, I'm not even gonna lie. I was like, this guy's doing it for sure. -And you were right. -But also the pharmacy was totally, like, that was out of control. -That's the kind of thing that really makes you question your femtuition, which I do want to get into more. But I mean, we call this episode the hero's secret life. And I think the biggest obstacle in her relationship up until the point of him really relapsing and it becoming obvious that she couldn't stay anymore was just that, like, everyone loved this man. -Yeah. -He was a hero. And it just goes to show you really don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Not only can anyone be struggling with addiction, but I just felt so bad that she couldn't talk to anybody really. She couldn't. She just didn't, because other people love someone, doesn't mean you have to make it work with them, but it does feel like it in the moment. -Yeah, and the whole thing about the conflict also, when you're scared of conflict, it's almost like you can't stand up for yourself. I mean, yeah, I get it. We all have that, I think, in a lot of ways. Well, I guess toxic people like to fight, but a lot of us don't want to have confrontation at all or have any conflict. She even said, like, we never fought, which I do personally think is a red flag, but I know people are different about that. But I just think that fighting well, fighting in a healthy way, confronting in a healthy way is really valuable. I actually wanted to put it out to the people, because she didn't necessarily talk to him about the bank account, the shared bank account when he didn't contribute. That's why you trip when he wasn't planning anything or the massage. Like, there were so many weird, icky things that I don't blame her for not talking to him about. But I was like, does anybody have any good books about conflict resolution? Like, I want to read a book about how to get comfortable with conflict. -You know, I guess I never have either. -It's hard. -Anyway, I'm just curious, because I think we could all get a little better at that. -I'm someone who doesn't mind, like, I'll start a fight. I don't care. I'll cause a scene. -You know, you'll stand up for yourself and that's something that confidence has brought you. And I don't know that, you know, where you're always that one. -I don't know if it's the trauma. I don't know. I don't know if it's like a trauma response. But also, like, there are people that are super confident. And I feel like the people that don't fall into conflict are also, they have a level of confidence because they don't, you know what, it's weird. -I don't know. -But she's the battles. -Yeah. -Well, I think in this case, there were so many green flags with him. She had just come out of a relationship with a very angry person. So there was this precedent of, I really got it tiptoe, just in relationships in general. And then also, like, this guy is so supportive. He would drop everything for her. All of his coworkers and community loved him and he loved them. He was had an admirable job. He was healthy. He was committed to the 12 steps. Like, yeah, and she's a good person, sobriety's bumpy. She understood that. And I just, it's, I don't know, it was a tough one. It's a tough one to listen to because of how good this person seemed to be. And I don't think it seemed to be exactly, exactly. There's goodness there. But I mean, addiction is awful in the behavior in the consequences. They're not just a fight just because of addiction. Absolutely. And it's so nuanced. It's not just, it's not so easy to just, oh, stop doing that. Do you know what I mean? It's bumpy. It's bumpy. Definitely. She mentioned that he was a pathological liar about trivial things. Right on. Yeah. Which is probably very common among, I don't know if it's, I haven't personally dealt closely with addicts. But I have heard that that is like a, I don't know. A pattern, perhaps. And I was like, why? Like why lie when it doesn't matter? But I think it's maybe just, some people have it because it's, yeah, it becomes a habit. Or there's like a value that they see in it that we maybe don't see. Like they think there's a benefit to it. Or maybe it's just a tension. It's interesting. It's an interesting red flag to note because it seems harmless in the moment. Absolutely. Oh, shout out to a commenter, Eva Elder said, I'm a doctor and his eyes going in different directions. Probably ketamine. Oh, okay. Okay. I think could also be opioids. But she was like, yeah, that's it. That sounds like ketamine to me. And I was like, that tracks. But good to know, because in the moment, I was like, I don't know what I, is he having a stroke? Like that's scary. Is he having a stroke? Then I also wanted to talk a little about the behavior. Like after she left, because that spiraled in ways she could never have predicted. Obviously, how devastating that he killed his dog. And I think she had obviously put the time into here. healing as much as she can because, you know, finding that out in the moment, knowing what she, the type of person she is in relation to animals, like, must have destroyed her, and it almost sounded to me like she had put up a little bit of a wall against that because of how hard that is to hear, like, after leaving, this is what he became. But for anybody else that feels maybe, I don't know that she does. I'm putting this on her, but I know that it's easy to feel responsible after you leave. Yeah. So what happens? Yes. And I want to remind people that you're responsible for your decision to leave, but they're responsible for what they do afterwards. Yes, absolutely. And she made the decision based on the information she had at the time. That's all you can do. And you can't predict, predicting addiction is hard enough. You can't predict future acts of extreme violence. Like, right. Everything he said that is, like, having an animal helps with sobriety, the responsibility, all of that makes sense. And also if she had taken the dog from him, like, then she would have felt guilt that maybe he spiraled because of that broke my heart. Gosh, it's so heartbreaking. And just it's devastating and it's shocking. It's very jarring and, oh, man. Yeah. Definitely not a fun story. The animal cruelty in general, like, that's sociopath, right? That's psychopath. It could be. I mean, I don't know when drugs are involved at that extent. Does that change the brain enough? I mean, I will say we skipped over this because there's so many extremes in the story. Him locking her in the bathroom for these straight. That's like, that's, that's false imprisonment. I mean, the abuse escalation in this is so scary and so devastating knowing what he was at the beginning. Yes. I'm just so sorry for her. And I'm also glad she gave a shout out to Alan on. And like, oh, yeah. Oh, because people don't know what that is. Yeah. So for families of families of people that have addiction, is it just alcohol? Or is it all addiction? I think is it just alcohol? Oh, all addiction. I don't know. I should Google that. Let's do that before we put out. Oh, yeah. Maybe it is just members who are worried about someone with drinking problem. Okay. So maybe it is just drinking, but I feel like so it's alcoholic. It's friends and families of alcoholics anonymous. Now I'm looking at Alan on for drugs. It was created for friends and family of alcoholics, but drug addiction makes up for like 35% of its members. We're always open to stories from you that come up as you listen to these. Even if you're not sure if they're dogfish, if you feel like it would be helpful to share or helpful to somebody else to hear, you can always email us, investigate at thedatingdetectivespodcast.com which I recently has been like a year and a half. And you're like, I know. I figured it out. No, but it's a tough thing to get. We put everything in the show notes and also social. We're dating detectives podcast everywhere. And Patreon live shows coming up. We hope you come and see us and share your stories. That was my favorite thing about CrimeCon this past weekend is everybody shared stories with us. And I was just glad that our hot pink carpet, because we were the only people with a hot pink carpet. It really stood out, didn't it? It stood out. And it seemed like a place people felt instantly pretty comfortable to tell us things in their life. And I am so grateful for that. Like there's not a minute where I am unhappy that somebody wants to dump their story. Like it's not, it doesn't feel like a trauma. It feels like connection in a way that is just like a privilege. Yeah. That's how we feel about y'all. Wow. We love you guys so much. I was just squeezing your necks was just so amazing. And I was the board. We had the dogfish board that everybody wrote on a couple of y'all can like, there was confessions. I was like, oh my gosh. Yeah. I got to post more. I feel like I have pictures of a lot of them. Maybe I'll put a carousel up because thank you for sharing your hilarious. Oh my gosh. And the crazy. They were just crazy. Somebody said, let me just read the one that was making his laugh. There were a bunch of me to slap. Basically, she cut the crotch out of all of his pants because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants anyway. So she thought she'd make it easier for him. That's what she wrote. That's not nice. And we do not condone this behavior, but it's hilarious. God damn, I loved it. I love it. We love you guys. And as always, trust your attention. [BLANK_AUDIO]