The greatest punishment ever inflicted on Trump: Andy Burnham

The Telegraph Hello and welcome to The Weekend Tea with me Poppy Coburn And me Michael Deacon It's big news this week We have just inflicted the greatest international punishment on Donald Trump imaginable For his many, many crimes against humanity He's had to meet our new Prime Minister Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that I'm terribly sorry to hear it I don't think it went particularly well From the clips that did come out of the meeting Because Andy Burnham, you know, we're always being told here in the United Kingdom That he's got this personal appeal He can cut through to people He's a former mayor He can shake hands He's not like the robot Keir Starmer But it does seem like an awful lot of Andy Burnham's charm Relies him making references to Oasis And what you call a bread roll And I can't Kind of think for a New York real estate developer Those things can kind of go over his head a little bit That is true I thought it could have been a lot worse for Andy Burnham Because, you know, Trump does have a habit of really embarrassing people Very often you'll see him next to a world leader With the cameras on him And just anything can happen You remember earlier in the year It was him and the Japanese Prime Minister In front of their cameras And within moments Trump's making jokes about Pearl Harbor And poor woman doesn't know where to look So it could have been a lot worse I mean, yeah, Burnham probably Beforehand I was thinking, my God, what's he going to say? Something like What's your name again? Burnham? Sorry, I don't normally bother Learning the names of you guys anymore You're always changing leader And some other guy will probably replace you next month So I always think that When world leaders do have to go up and do this They must just be thinking about Zelensky Like, as long as I don't have a worse meeting with Donald Trump Than Zelensky had And I'm like, okay, make sure I'm right, I'm wearing a suit And I've got a tie on So that's number one He can't have a go at me for my clothes Like he did last year For Zelensky So that's been sorted And is he got life or death decisions About the future of my country Which is currently being invaded by Russia? Not yet So, okay, we've already won We're already on a good footing here That's how low the bar is I think Andy Burnham's probably You know, in light of that He's probably quite happy with it And also, there was a bit where Trump Effectively said Burnham's a better Prime Minister Than Keir Starmer Although I appreciate It's not the highest bar I mean, it's a bit like being told You're a better childminder than King Herod But it's something He'll take that, won't he? Well, you can still see A bit of Burnham's regionalism come through So he did mention Donald Trump had made One of his many throwaway comments Like, you know We should reunify Ireland This one was like What's Manchester? He didn't really care about Manchester, funnily enough And Burnham did try And get a little dig in And Trump just looked Completely like What? Who? Where? Manchester? Where's that? You could just tell He's thinking about The next meeting he's going to have With like Netanyahu Or some other great You know, statesman From across the world He's like Which one's this again? Burnham? Burnham? Oh, right, OK Manchester Is that next to Birmingham? Burnham? Yeah Yeah, sure I thought the only bit Actually that didn't go so well For Burnham Was the stuff about The Chagos Islands deal Because for some insane reason Burnham wants to revive Starmer's deal And Trump just shot that down immediately So that was a terrible deal Terrible, terrible And then since then Basically Burnham's having to Row back on it And reconsider And where's streeting Is sort of Mitted over And so Maybe it's not Such a good deal At the moment That Americans aren't so keen Now some people might think Oh, well, this just shows You know How pathetic Britain is nowadays We just, you know We let ourselves get pushed around By the American president Just like that I'm thinking Yeah, OK But actually in this case The American president is right I'm glad he's pushing Our prime minister around Because our prime minister Is totally wrong Why on earth? Still, after two years Still have not adequately explained Why is they want to give away Vital British territory To an ally of China And not only that Pay them loads of our money Into the bargain What? You know, Trump's track record On Ireland hasn't been great So not great on Ireland itself Not great on the Falklands Greenland, I suppose Had a happy ending in the end But it was pretty tough Going up until that point But on the Chagos Islands I think he has basically Been correct Which is he's like This is the worst trade deal In the history of all trade deals Forever But it's another example Where, you know There's a spectre That's halted the feast This is all Keir Starmer Yeah The long Keir Starmer Keir Starmer government So he's already having to deal with Restoring the relationship With Donald Trump Which was ruined by Keir Starmer Even though he was rolling over On his belly and going Well, do you really think You like Donald? Here's a letter from the King Donald Please don't stifle me, Donald And then he also has to Defend this insane deal But nobody can see him To make work Yeah Oh, sorry Apart from Powell Powell obviously thinks This is a fantastic deal Of course Because I don't think He's really working For the United Kingdom But there you go Well, anyway This is rather depressing So why don't we Cheer ourselves up By talking about Something a little lighter Which is the Frankly treasonous New book by Earl Spencer This is my telegraph There you go I mean, you know They always say, don't they There's no such thing As bad publicity But Earl Spencer Is putting that to the test With his book Because, you know He is currently making Harry's memoirs Look like some kind of PR triumph, really Isn't he, at the moment? Yes I actually saw A very funny thing On social media Where Bella Mackey Has a new book out With its title Claws Out And the bookstore Had put it in the window Next to Swan Song By Earl Spencer As a funny little dig at him So, yes 29 years After the event Of his sister dying He suddenly realised That now Is the opportune moment To tear up These very, very Personal family disputes All over again As if the king Isn't already suffering enough From having Harry Moving back into the country And starting another war With William and Kate So, yeah It's quite unpleasant Some of the details That have come out of this The one that I found The most incomprehensible And surely someone In the memoir business Must have gone Can we actually Stand this up Is the idea That the king Was giddy with excitement When he heard That Diana had died You know The mother of his children He was giddy with excitement Not only was he Giddy with excitement He decided to Give this away When he was talking To her brother And we're supposed To believe That that apparently Happened Do we think the king Is Patrick Bateman On the whole Probably not No And Spencer's Getting in trouble From other quarters As well now Because he's got Piers Morgan Threatening to sue him Because he says Parts about him In the book Are grossly inaccurate And defamatory For example He says that Spencer claims That when Morgan Was editor of the Mirror He'd run You know Sort of Certain photos Of Diana At the gym Working out On a leotard And Morgan says Well actually Those photos Were published Two whole years Before I even Joined the Mirror So that's nothing To do with me Various other things Like that I don't think It just makes me wonder You know What's going on In the publishing industry Don't they hire Fact checkers anymore You would think A book like this as well Quite a sensitive subject Really making Explosive claims About the actual king I think we might Get a fact checker To have a good look At it first I mean even In the bits that aren't About the king I think Let's check the dates At least check the bits About Piers Morgan Famously litigious Piers Morgan He's not exactly Going to take it Lying down And it's very interesting Anything that's ever Been written about him He's definitely Going to seize on it The first person And he knows a story When he sees it So he thinks Right there's a story And it's about me I mean everything I could dream of Great He did make a very good point Which is if you've got The facts on this wrong Something that would have Taken you literally Ten minutes To figure out The basic amount Of due diligence Where else have the Recollections May vary Aspect of this story Gone slightly awry So I do think He has quite a strong Point there about What is actually Being done with the book And what's the purpose Yeah and how much Of this book Can you trust If you can't Get a Date right Well he's not the only Person cashing in On the Royal Family Legacy and Royal Family Internal Drama Harry is writing A documentary about Diana Yeah I've seen a lot Of people being quite Critical of him For doing this I'm actually going to Defend Harry here Okay because when he Brought out his memoirs Spare I thought at the time This is a very bad idea Shouldn't be airing All this sort of Dirty laundry In public about His relationships With his brother And his father And his stepmother And all the rest of it What I thought was If he's going to Write a book At all He should just do Just a really Poignant and moving Book purely About his mother His memories of his mother And he should just Make it you know And people will probably Find that very moving I think you know If he's saying you know Here's my memories of her And here's how I felt After I lost her And you know People would sympathise With that because my god You know she was killed When he was what Twelve years old I think if it had Just been about that And not been about The rest of his family I think people would Have been sympathetic To him then I think that would Have been a better idea Although I will say One thing Because in his book Spare There was one particular Story he told In relation to his mother And let's just say I think he should Have left that out I don't know if you Know this story But because I am Burdened with this knowledge I don't want to have To suffer alone So I'm going to Inflict it on you And you're never Going to be able To forget this By the way I'm sorry about that Quite frightened You're looking at me Very intensely It's coming out I don't know whether You know this story Okay so Harry's Talking about how As a grown man He and some friends Had made a journey To the Arctic Circle Do you know the story Do you know where I'm going No I do not know Where you're going Keep going Be ready for this It's going to hit you Okay he comes home And he's in Let's say some discomfort Because he discovered That he had Frostbite On his penis Now you might say That's quite enough Information already Harry Please don't We didn't need to know that But no I'm afraid There's more He goes on Because in an attempt To soothe The frostbite On his penis He started rubbing it with his late mother's favourite face cream. i think it's elizabeth arden is that the name of the brand yes i think it was yes why he did that i don't know but also why did he tell us why would you put that in a book that's inevitably going to be read by every journalist practically every human being on earth i mean i think it's you know it's one of the biggest selling non-fiction books of all time by the way and you know it's going to sell why did you let us know this harry why steps involved i mean first of all i wouldn't tell someone i had frostbitten genitals that's not just me but okay fine he's made this brave choice he's exposing all literally uh thanks harry why then add in the fun little detail it's your late mother's favorite face cream as a little tidbit there for fans just a little tidbit uh the elizabeth arden cream which you're now going to always think of harry's yeah private parts alongside with so i mean maybe he is going to make a really moving and wonderful documentary but if he's assisted by other people i'm not i did just don't include that bit yes and i would strongly advise against doing a demonstration for the cameras yeah no i don't think uh offcom allows that sort of thing anymore yeah wait wait it's gone mad well anyway that is uh enough about the duke of sussex's penis um shall we perhaps move on there's one more royal story now this is to do with uh william and kate and they've been to a premiere and they've met tom cruise and the reason i want to talk about this is because of the wonderful photo of the three of them standing together now there's a very old um comedy sketch a classic one very famous i don't know if you know because it's sold as in black and white this may be a bit before your time even before your time it is actually before my time i do know okay there's three famous comedians they're standing in a row john cleese he's very very tall ronnie barker medium height ronnie corbett tiny and three of them standing in a row and you see this photo of william he's about six foot three or something kate very tall for a woman five foot ten but sort of average you know compared with a man and then this little tiny tom cruise little tom thumb there beside him now tom cruise i get the impression he's normally quite careful you know not to show the right angles getting the heels on the shoes yeah that sort of thing not to show that he's actually a little bit shorter than average for a man but in this photo there's no escaping and i guess uh when you're standing next to uh the royal couple you can't just whip out a box or something and try and pretend you're taller than they are that might be against royal protocol no you're not allowed to to suggest that you are somehow taller than our future king how dare he's i don't know but anyway well here's a suggestion for harry and megan if you want to win the pr war if you want to get all the a-list celebrities back on side you know which might be a little bit difficult now that you've left hollywood but you're back in the united kingdom what you need to do is you need to approach tom cruise on your knees just pretend just pretend you've always been walking like that and just go up to say have you grown tom you're looking very tall and handsome today and that's how you're going to win the pr war very good even better and if you if you want to repair your william and kate on your knees brilliant we've just sold the royal that's that that's the photo we're all looking for if we can get the exclusive photos your majesties your highnesses sorry yes please they're gonna have to lose a couple more lawsuits before they're gonna do that one okay all right there you are well that's that's the last resort well speaking of people who have been uh maybe humiliated themselves this week wes streeting had a classic nightmare scenario where you can imagine some poor special assistant has got sacked for this uh he was in an interview and he realized as he was actually being questioned by the journalist that he didn't have the figures about the new military space squadron what's the number of personnel deployed what's the level of investment sector of state so for good reason we don't comment on uh operational detail but we're talking initially in terms of this new unit and tens of people and that's what we tens of people to defend space and that's and that's what that's that's what's required to to to run the command uh and that's and that's that's a good um wise level of of resource we i suspect we'll see this grow over time there'll be tens of people tens of people involved um which is which is a great number it's really vague tens okay well it sounds like you're really across your brief wes um but one of the reasons this is so great is because it will remind people of an even better hearing out that number story which is of course the brilliant diane abbott um so how much would 10 000 police officers cost well um if we recruit the 10 000 police uh men and women over a four year period we believe it'll be about 300 000 pounds 300 000 pounds sorry 10 000 police officers what are you paying them no i mean sorry how much will they cost they will cost they will it will cost um about about 80 million pounds about 80 million pounds i mean this was all over this place amazing fact the interview was so amazing she was doing a media round that day all of her other interviews that day were about the interview she'd just given and how she'd screwed it up that was incredible god bless her well if only we'd listened to diane abbott you know we would have a quarter of a maybe we wouldn't be in a position where we're releasing all these early i mean it would be a bit starship troopers a little bit frightening to have a a police state under the labour government but you know maybe she was she was a genius all along oh god bless you maybe she wore two left shoes one day it was actually because she was seeing into the future and that was going to be a big style so hold on 2030 yeah diane abbott it's a theory totally vindicated now there's no doubting about the meme of the week on social media and that is a video of rory stewart now this is taken off now was this was he on news night is that it was on news he was on news night and there's uh other people on the panel they're having a discussion there's people either side of him and they're they're talking and the clip just consists of him constantly just turning his head from side to side and some anyway this this this this little clip has um gone viral and someone very cleverly uh i think it's like mark wallace of total politics give him the credit because it was very good he basically added the noise of tennis players grunting and hitting the ball so it looks as if um rory stewart's just watching a tennis match and he's like oh my god i'm going to this is really really fantastic so it's um alvaro he's the political editor at the new statesman um i think the host throws to her you know what do you think here's your 30 seconds to say what you think about the big issues of the day and i think rory stewart someone must have told him i assume because he's now such a you know famous respected podcaster failed politician but we can let bygones be bygones make sure that when a young woman is speaking that you listen and make sure that people know that you're listening i just think rory took it very seriously because he looks at her like that it's like his neck protrudes he comes out to get even closer it's he is actively listening he is really really listening to this poor lady as she's about to speak i mean i've never seen body language like it before anywhere it's always stewart actually from the united kingdom is you sure he's not from space and he's just come down in the mothership it's it's worth considering that's not the first time actually i think that's been suggested i feel like it's there may be other clues but i i think on this occasion i know everybody else is laughing at it i'm i think i'm gonna have to defend rory stewart i know first i defend prince harry now i'm defending rory stewart i know i might as well move to the guardian but on this occasion i'm gonna have to defend him because i don't know it's people either side of you and they're having an argument like that you can't help looking at the person he's talking because what's the alternative should he just be staring out straight ahead of him like that or should he only be staring at one of them the entire time like that while the even while the other one's talk is now i'm just gonna stare i'm just he's staring at you i'm not going to embarrass myself by moving my head from side to side constantly i'm just going to do this what i'm just looking around all the cameras what makes you feel most uncomfortable weekend if i just stare or would you prefer if i was like ramrod there's only two of us looking at each other but there's several of him they're on the side of him so he's looking around i don't know um moving away from uh rory stewart into people that actually do a good job in this country i really love this story and he's already been getting some flack from this so there was a judge who was hearing a case from bed because he was recovering from an operation so it was an achilles heel situation where he couldn't actually walk right it was surgery on his heel um and so he was dealing with the court cases and this was the case of an optometrist who'd been struck off and this was still upheld so he did his job properly but he was doing it from bed so he he was doing a video interview for the case and he was overseeing it from his bed now that has got a bit of flack particularly from the person who was actually involved in the case who said um i at least want to have a judge and i want to have a judge and i want to have a judge and i want to have a judge who's actually physically there and not horizontal uh which i can understand why you might be a little bit concerned about it but i think there's something wonderful about someone not taking the time off sick which he obviously could have done you know he's just gone through an operation and then you know what i'm gonna keep working even if i have to work in bed it reminds me of mps and the stories of mps being dragged in where they had to do a really important vote you know some of them being pulled in on stretchers they're like giving birth yeah this is how society operates so even if you are recovering from major surgery you just stare on zoom that's not work from home laziness well exactly you know we're often very critical of work from home well obviously i'm not because i work from home but as an organization sometimes we run uh articles uh knocking people who work from home but here it clearly is evidence of someone who's working from effectively one thing they're actually working that's the thing i mean this judge was not definitely not sitting there watching this morning or something like that lorraine kelly or would have been a problem homes under a hammer right on his phone you know playing clash of clans that would have been offensive well i've I believe that there's worse things that people do on cameras during Zoom calls, but let's not go into that. I know nothing of it. It's just something I've heard about. Let's not dwell. This is a story that's going to appeal to you, Michael, because you've written about it in your columns before. And it's something that I care about too. People play loud music on public transport, which I'm sure is a bane of everyone's life. But here is a serious country that has come in and has said, if you play loud music on public transportation, which is an antisocial act, we are going to fine you. It's a very significant amount of money. It's, of course, Singapore. Singapore, yes. Famously liberal and democratic country, Singapore. Well, I think that's great news, very sensible. But having said that, given this is Singapore, I would have expected it to be a tough one. I mean, they are incredibly tough on law and order. I'd have thought it would be like public execution or something like that by their standards. Chopping people's hands off. There you go. So I think, actually, if you're a sodcaster in Singapore, you're getting off lightly with a fine. But I will say they've got some very, very strict rules over there. And there's one I want to point out to you here. Did you know, if you're in Singapore, if you use a public lavatory and fail to flush it properly after use, you can receive an on-the-spot fine of $150. Now, what I want to know is, how exactly do the authorities monitor this? How do they know that you haven't flushed in order to administer this on-the-spot fine right there and then? In every single cubicle in Singapore. It's a guy I'm carrying over the top. Is there an armed guard in there? He's standing there the whole time, his whole shift, eight hours. He's standing there all day. Right inside the cubicle while you come in, do your business. He's there, he's watching as he flushed. Good. Okay, he's flushed. I think I get performance anxiety. So you have not flushed, £150. Or, I mean, maybe if there isn't a guard in there, do they have cameras? Okay, are there security guards? They're monitoring. They've got all these monitors. They're staring at them all the time. That guy's not flushed. They send in a SWAT team, pin him to the ground. It's going to be the worst date of breach of all time. Yeah, we have hundreds of videos of you going to the toilet that have accidentally been hacked by, you know, some Russians, some gangsters, and now they've been published everywhere on the internet. Thanks, Singapore. So, I mean, as I say, I don't know how they monitor this because I've never been to Singapore. But having read that story, I think maybe I'm not going to on the whole. Yeah. Okay, I'm changing my mind, which is a shame because I've just bought a massive book of Lee Kuan Yew's aphorisms. Yeah, yeah, what a delightful bedside reading. There you go. Although, you know, it could come in for other uses because if someone is talking on my commute back home, I could just bludgeon them over the top of the head and that would keep them quiet. Oh, they're playing the loud music? Yeah. There you are. Yeah, last thing they'll ever hear. Off it goes. There you are. Because this is pretty thick. I think this is going to keep me occupied. Standing ovation for the whole carriage. So, that's why I'm getting more ideas from people. Rightly so, rightly so. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Anyway, oh, there's one more story I want to talk about, if we've got time. Now, this is about Rubik's Cube. Now, I don't know about you. As a child, were you any good at the Rubik's Cube? I wasn't very good at it, although I tried to be, but always rubbish. Don't have quick enough hand movements. I can guarantee I was worse. I hope I sound like I don't have a clue. I mean, it's too much for my meagre intellect, or certainly my meagre reserves of patience. But in any case, the reason I mention it, it's a six-year-old girl, six, six-year-old girl from China, has just set a new record by solving an entire Rubik's Cube, not just a side, an entire Rubik's Cube, in under five seconds. How? I don't understand it. But you know what? My son, okay, he's 12 years old. When he was about eight or so, he was quite into Rubik's Cubes. Although, you know, he considers them beneath his dignity now. Because he's a 12-year-old boy now. He's just into violin. Violin video games. There you go. So there you are. I mentioned this to him last night. I said, did you know this? This girl in China, she just set a new record by solving it in under five seconds. And he said, that's not a record. He said, 2022, there's a bloke from Poland who did it in under three seconds. He said, that record, that's just a new girl's record. Oh, wow. So there you are. Well, that put me in my place. So there you go. It's quite impressive for a six-year-old. Five seconds, yeah, pathetic. Yeah, what a loser. A six-year-old boy could probably do it in one. There you are. This is the problem. There you are. Funny enough, you know, when my, shall I embarrass him by mentioning this? Please. I don't know. Maybe I'll ask for it taken out. I don't know. He's not going to watch this. Jesus. Anyway, yeah, when he was about eight years old and into the Roots Cubs, he used to get me to time him. Just solving a single side. Okay, not the whole thing. I don't think he ever solved the whole thing. But for a single-sided record, it was 6.95 seconds, which, okay, is not quite up to the standard of Chinese six-year-old girls, but it's a hell of a lot better than me. I don't think I've ever solved a single side. I don't mean it's not like I'm doing it all the time. But anyway. Anyway, hey, I thought that was very good. I want to tell you one more thing about Rubik's Cube. Are there famous people who are good at Rubik's Cubes? Okay, Ed Miliband has claimed that he can solve a Rubik's Cube in 90 seconds, which I thought sounds impressive. Wow, well done. But I tell you what, Justin Bieber, the pop star, has said that he can solve a Rubik's Cube in 83 seconds. Get him in his foreign secretary. In your face foreign secretary. How about that? That's really embarrassing for Ed Miliband because he's such a geek. He really should be much better at geeky things. When he sees this podcast and he finds out about Bieber, I mean, honestly, all he'll be doing is working on his record. Honestly, which would be a good thing because it would keep him off doing his day job. I was going to say, it would stop us creating diplomatic incidents. There you go. Keep yourself well occupied, please, Ed Miliband. Fingers crossed. Well, that's all from us. You'll see us again next week. If you like our podcast, we think you'll enjoy From the Editor, The Telegraph's free daily newsletter. 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