94: The Good Girl Syndrome - How People-Pleasing Sneaks Into Adulthood (and How We Break Free)

(upbeat music) - Hi and welcome back to the Forgive Yourself podcast. I am your host, Brenda Reese. And you know, I am really glad you're here today 'cause I'm going to share a pretty personal and vulnerable story. And what came out of it is what I wanna share with you in the hopes that it can guide you if you're going through something similar. Today's conversation is tender. It's vulnerable. It's one that so many of us quietly carry in our bodies without ever naming it. The good girl syndrome. You know, the messages we learned so young, be polite, be easy, don't make waves, take care of everyone, be the good daughter, the good student, and without even realizing she grows up with us. She becomes the good worker, the good colleague, the good friend, the good partner, the good wife. But here's the thing. Those patterns go so deep that we often don't see them until resentment, guilt or shame knocks on our door. And then suddenly it all makes sense. So today, I want to walk you through how this pattern formed, how it plays out, and how we can gently begin to shift it. And I'm gonna share, like I said, a personal story, one that's still unfolding because this pattern showed up in my life recently on a very deep layer and level. But it showed up in a way that cracked me wide open. And so let's take a breath together. And then let's begin. So I've said this before and it's still true today. I am a recovering people, please, or encode dependent. And the good girl syndrome? Well, it doesn't disappear when we become adults. In fact, it gets a little sneakier 'cause it shapeshifts. It becomes saying yes when we wanna say no. Carrying emotional and mental load for everyone, family, friends, coworkers, taking on tasks because someone has to do it. Not resting until everyone is settled, okay, moms. Believing our worth is tied to how useful we are and what we can do. Feeling guilty for needing help or having limits or high expectations. It's subtle, it's familiar, it's woven into our survival pattern. And we don't see it until the resentment hits or the guilt floods in, or our bodies finally say enough. So this is where I'd like to share the personal story with you 'cause many of you know my husband, Doug, is in memory care after his dementia progressed. And while the move to memory care slow things down for a while, this past year has been deeply challenging, more falls, more confusion, more physical, and mental decline. I have been visiting him, coordinating support, hiring caregivers, taking him to appointments, all in the spirit of being the good wife. But here's where things shifted. A couple months ago, I walked into his room and saw him kissing another resident. He was holding her face the way he used to hold my. And he was looking at her with a tenderness that caught me completely off guard. And I went into shock, then anger, then heartbreak. My rational brain couldn't understand it and his brain, the navigating dementia, couldn't register why I was so upset. I found myself saying things I'm not proud of. I reacted from hurt, I reacted from grief, I reacted from betrayal, 'cause that's what came up for me. And later, when I saw the confusion on his face, something clicked. He genuinely didn't understand. The boundaries that had helped our marriage together in his rational mind were now blurred. And then came the deeper realization. This wasn't just about the kiss for me. This was about every moment over the past few years and beyond. When I pushed aside my feelings to handle logistics, finances, home repairs, medical decisions, everything he used to take care of. I'd been in survival mode. Disconnected from my grief. Trying to be the good-wife, the strong one, the capable one, even when my body was screaming for help. Can you resonate? The truth? My grief wasn't being witnessed, not completely by others, because it wasn't even being witnessed by me. I wasn't allowing the space for the time. I was getting shit done. So, the universe evidently didn't want me to bypass this lesson or experience. I wanted to make sure I got this one. So I walked in on more situations, more blurred boundaries, and more heartbreak. And I got really sick right after. Because my body finally had permission to break open. I surrendered. See, this was my invitation into a deeper layer of healing, into a deeper layer of forgiveness, into a deeper understanding of how the good girl and the good wife had taken up space in my life. So I learned a few things going through this, and I want you to have these learnings too. Because, you know, what I'm going through, I'm not special in that way, right? Whatever I'm going through, I know others are going through too. And if you've been with me a while, you know, I don't want you just listening. I want you living this work. Because it changes you. So here are five takeaways that supported me through this very human, very messy, very sacred and ravioli. You ready? Okay, takeaway number one, let yourself feel the feelings. Oh, it's uncomfortable. And yes, it's very unfamiliar because most of us were never taught how to do it or encouraged. But emotions move through the body when we let them. The suffering comes from suppressing them. Not from feeling them. I'm going to repeat that last part. The suffering comes from suppressing those feelings. And you know, you don't have to do this alone. Please reach out, ask for support. You deserve that. Now, takeaway number two, write down the thoughts that surface. So when emotions open, when they open up, old memories will pop up. That's kind of like what the way I described it to my friend was like popcorn. Moments, right? You stayed silent moments. You overgave moments. You abandoned yourself to avoid upsetting someone. Those thoughts aren't random. They're connecting the dots. So write them down. They're showing you what needs to be healed. They're going to give you a pathway and reveal the pattern. It was so eye opening for me. Take away number three. Talk to someone who can hold space. Oh, I can't recommend this highly enough. Because you're worth it. Okay. You're worth being heard and understood and listened to. Now, I don't, I don't want you to talk to someone who tries to fix it or some someone who judges or someone who rushes you to find the meaning. Because my friend, you need presence and compassion and safety. Now this can come from a friend, a coach, a therapist, someone you trust who can hold you while you process. And that's exactly what helped me through this deeper layer of healing. Because I have several friends who hold me in that space. They let me cry and they let me be angry and they hold the space for me. And they give me permission to be human. They give me permission because sometimes with all the teachings I've had and all the things I've gone through, sometimes you know, we can, when we're on a spiritual journey, we can think that we're not human, that we need to get through it. And a lot of times it's so uncomfortable to be in it. We don't know what to do with ourselves. But the best gift we can give ourselves is having someone that can encourage us. You've got this. Stay with it. On the other side, it's much better. Take way number four. Be radically honest with yourself. Now this is where the true liberation lives. I had to face my guilt, my shame, my anger, my resentment. I had that, my exhaustion and the big one was my unrealistic expectations of myself. Radical honesty doesn't break you. It frees you. And take way number five. Redefine self-care as tending to your inner world. Yes, the massage is help, especially as we're moving out stuck energy, right? Body work is important. But the deeper care, that happens in the silence, in the rest, in letting yourself do nothing. I know. Scary, right? In taking time alone, even when it feels unfamiliar, in choosing connection when you're ready, in honoring your limits without apologizing for them, because we all have limit. We have spent far too long worrying about disappointing others, and not nearly enough time noticing when we've disappointed ourselves. So I want to share that in this past week, I have found myself in a space of acceptance. Not resolution, not knowing what comes next, but acceptance. Now, I don't know whether this infatuation will continue or change. I don't know what the next chapter looks like, but I do know this. I am finding meaning inside the discomfort. I am discovering new layers of compassion. I am reconnecting with parts of myself. I had abandoned in the name of being good. And that's what I want for you to, my friend. If any part of this story resonated with you, if it stirred something, if it mirrored your own journey even in a small way, I truly hope you'll reach out because you do not have to walk this alone. And I want to thank you deeply for being here with me today. Truly, truly thank you. And thank you for listening with an open heart and allowing me to share something so personal and so tender. And I want to share something as we close out today and something I have to remind myself. And that awareness is the beginning. Compassion is the bridge. And choosing yourself, finally choosing yourself is the transformation. Because remember, you're worth it. And until next time, my dear friend, take care of you. Thank you so much for listening today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did enjoy it, would you do me a favor and share this episode and then follow us on your favorite podcast app so you don't miss one episode of the "Forgive Yourself" podcast where every Friday you will get tips, tools and stories so that you can turn your pain into peace. Take care.