Speaker 1One of my favorite books of all time from 1997. It keeps showing up in recovery bookshelves and it's not a recovery book. Not written by anyone in the rooms, but it hits different when you're sober. Four sentences. That's basically the whole thing. And every single one of them is something I got wrong for years. By the end of this episode, I want you to pick up just one of these and try it this week. Just one. Today I'm going to be talking about one of my favorite books of all time. It's called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, published in 1997. It draws on Toltec wisdom. The frame is that we're all raised inside of a set of agreements we never consciously signed. And a lot of them run our suffering on autopilot. This book will change the way that you interact with people in life, that you think about how you react, how you respond to things, your relationships. If you can remember these four. agreements, I'm telling you right now, it'll change your outcomes in your life and how people treat you. It'll change the way you perceive the world and perceive other people. And it'll just make you happier. I can almost guarantee it if you practice it. This book has helped me a lot. It's a quick read, but I'm going to do a podcast episode on it because I love it so much. And I'm going to talk about these four agreements and how they can benefit your life. And they're pretty simple to implement. So why this book lands in recovery. It's basically about the stories we tell ourselves. And the words we use, which is the exact territory recovery forces us into welcome back or welcome to recovering out loud podcast. My name is Anthony. I'm an addict alcoholic in recovery, been in recovery since 2015. I had a relapse at about seven and a half years. And today I am a year and a half or so sober. Again, grateful to be alive. Grateful to be doing this podcast with you, please. If you're not following the podcast yet, please follow. It's the greatest reward I could receive from you. Welcome to all the new listeners agreement. One. Be impeccable with your word. What the book actually says. Speak with integrity. So integrity is doing the right thing when no one's watching. That's my definition of it. Anyways, say only what you mean. Don't use the word against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word toward truth. You know, Bob, one of the founders of the 12 steps and AA is famously noting, going on record saying that gossip would be the thing that takes people down in recovery. I'm guilty of gossip. A lot of us are guilty of gossip. It's one of those things that makes you feel good. It's easy to participate in. It doesn't feel like I'm doing anything wrong because somebody else started it. Uh, I'm not, you know, I'm not the one that's starting the gossip, so it doesn't feel as dirty as bad, but gossip is it's hurtful, man. It can really slander somebody's reputation and really hurt other people when you're talking about them with behind their back. I try really hard today when I start to engage or I, I feel somebody engaging in gossip. Somebody when someone's not around, I try to only say good things about them. And my wife is really good at this. I I'm not as good, but I'm working on it. It's one of those things
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Speaker 1When you feel yourself, start to talk negatively about someone when they're not there to be able to just change the subject or to, to change, to flip the subject. Or to pause and say, is this helpful or is this hurtful towards that person? Because when people are talking shit about me, most of it's not true, I would say probably all of it is not true. And there's a difference between talking about someone and talking negatively about someone and telling lies or exaggerating. We tend to do this thing where I, at least I do exaggerate the story to make it sound better. And then it makes that person look or sound worse. It puts a bad taste in your mouth about that person. And then it could inhibit future interactions you have with that person because you remember that thing, or you know them as the person that does this, the person that lies or steals or has, you know, cheats on their husband or whatever. So again, speak with integrity, say only what you mean. Don't use the word against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of word toward truth. Words are powerful. They are very powerful. You can convince people, persuade people of things with words, or you can make people look good and only talk about the positives. The against yourself part is one that got me. Most of us were fluent in self-talk. We'd never say to another human, I'm a piece of garbage. I always ruin this. Yeah. I mean, it's the common therapy speak when you, would you say the things you say to yourself, to a child, to your best friend, to your mom, to your wife, your partner? No, our self-talk, the most important conversation you have in any day is with yourself. And usually it's a negative one, at least for me. And usually we're not even aware of it. So when you stub your toe and you say something like, oh, I'm an idiot. I always fuck up. I'm stupid. I do this. I do that. Words have power. And when you do this, you're using your word as a weapon and you're the target. So watch out for that self-talk. It's really powerful. It also helps you believe in yourself and achieve things. If you say positive things about yourself, I am a great person. I help, I'm a helpful person. I'm a sober person. This can change the belief system about yourself and how you go about your day. So this ties to the honesty principle as a foundation of getting sober. You can't stay sober on a lie. And it starts with the lies you tell yourself before the ones you tell everyone else. From a gossip angle, fellowship can turn into a rumor mill fast. In fact, impeccable with your word is a quiet standard for how you talk about people in the rooms when they're not there. How do you want people to talk about you when you're not there? Do you want them to only talk about the mistakes you've made in life or how you help that other person? The word as a tool for repair. This is basically the spirit of making amends before you even get to the amends step. Your word starts meaning something again. Yeah. If you're known as the guy that always talks shit, no one's going to want to be around you. If you're known as the guy that complains all the time and you're always spinning situations and talking negatively about things in your life or other people when they're not there, I think we've all been around that person that talks negatively about someone when they're not there. And it's exhausting. It feels like you're carrying a backpack full of rocks around and that person is handing you the backpack full of rocks. I don't want the backpack. I don't want rocks. I want to be free. I don't want to be tied down to this negative energy. Don't be that person. When you're complaining, catch yourself. In that complaining, catch yourself in that language, your vernacular, your lexicon, your words are important. They're powerful tools that you can use to help or to harm. I want to ask you, what's one thing you say about yourself out loud that you'd never say about your best friend and not even out loud, maybe subconsciously to yourself. What's that thing that you say to yourself, even if it's as seemingly insignificant as when you stub your toe or drop something or make a mistake, you're saying to yourself, Oh, I'm an idiot. Oh, Anthony, you idiot. Oh, how, how did you do that again? I never can. I'm not a person that goes to school. I remember that. I was saying that for a long time. I'm not a school person. That's going to turn me into somebody that doesn't like school. Of course, I don't like going to school when I keep talking negatively about it with people. How's school going, Anthony? Oh, that's terrible. I'm not a school person. I hate it. Of course, it's going to be hard. If I continue to build that belief about myself, what's that thing that you're saying that is harming you and you don't even know it. So agreement one was be impeccable with your word. Agreement two, don't take anything personally. I love this one. This is so simple, not easy. The book actually says nothing others do is because of you. What people say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you're immune to the opinions and actions of others, you stop needless suffering. Yes, yes, yes. When someone calls you shit about you, it's a projection of themselves. When somebody says something negatively on your Instagram or comments, or I always try to tell myself, this has nothing to do with me. This person doesn't even know me. How could they make a judgment on a popular, a correct judgment about me? How could they be making a correct assessment about me and my life? They don't even know me. This is a reflection of them. When someone says you're fat, it's because they're scared to be fat or they think they're fat. Don't take anything personally. From a recovery perspective, this is resentment prevention in one sentence. So much of my relapse risk headspace was chewing on something someone said that was never actually about me. It had nothing to do with me in the first place. It never does. It's about them. You can prevent a lot of resentment if you look at this from this perspective. Don't take anything personally. Family stuff, early sobriety, people who don't trust you yet. And they shouldn't. You haven't earned it back. Taking that personally can keep you stuck. And it kept me from doing it. me stuck for a long time why isn't my family forgiving me why aren't they happier to see me why aren't they blah blah blah their doubt was their experience of the old me not a verdict on today's me today's version of me you heard a lot of people don't take it personally when they don't accept you back or when they call you an addict or a drunk or whatever the flip side of this that's rarely mentioned not taking the good personally either praise for 30 days sober is nice but if i'm living for the applause i'm one bad comment away from the bottle yes i think a lot of people can relate to the if 10 people say a good thing about me and then the 11th person says something negative it kills me taking compliments is another thing that i struggle with it's hard to take compliments because i probably don't believe them about myself i'm getting better at it i'm a lot better than i was i used to hate compliments now i just say thank you it's funny when people come you know my friends and people in my life come up to me and say hey i've been seeing your content a lot on my instagram the first thing i say to them is oh i'm sorry to hear that like a passive-aggressive joke of oh man i can't believe i showed up on your phone they're not addicts or alcoholics but they're they're complimenting me and they're saying you know way to go for keep you're continuing to go and you're posting a lot you're probably helping a lot of people my first reaction is oh shit i'm sorry you had to see that i'm terrible at making content my content sucks that's the the narrative in my head stop it anthony people are just complimenting you for putting in the work plain and simple accept the compliment don't take anything personally in the positive either if you are relying on your codependence so codependence is i need you to love me for me to love myself if you don't love me i don't love myself if you are relying on people's words and praise for your self-worth eventually you will crumble you will self-destruct because once one person says something bad about you you're going to take it as law and believe it and then start telling yourself that you are a piece of shit you are the worst you are never going to succeed don't take anything personally can get twisted into dodging accountability recovery says look at your part the book isn't telling you to skip the inventory it's telling you to build a resentment out of someone else's stuff it's telling you to do something for yourself it's telling you to build a resentment out of someone else's stuff what are you carrying this week that was actually never about you think about it it's not about you when someone says oh why aren't you drinking you can't drink what's that about it's usually about them when someone when you tell someone you're not drinking and they say oh i guess you're not going to drink with us now you're too good for us you're sober that's about them they have a problem with it don't take it personally don't take anything personally agreement three don't make assumptions so i'll say the obvious thing we know what assumptions are they make an asset of you and me what the book actually says find the courage to ask questions and to say what you really want poor communication and assumptions create drama and suffering ask instead of assume goes back to my i always say this goes back to my judgmental don't come to conclusions don't make assumptions this is so important for us in recovery because i am so quick to jump to conclusions to make assumptions to draw conclusions about situations oh i'm in debt from my addiction i'm never going to get out of this i'm never going to be successful in business i'm never going to have enough money i'm always going to be in debt i'm just that person that can't budget properly don't jump to conclusions make assumptions if you hear someone gossip about you ask them don't assume that it's true people like to spin stories just like us just like me people like to exaggerate assumptions are where my brain manufactures a whole fight nobody else is having someone doesn't text you back for six hours my head writes the entire story he's done with me he hates me he doesn't want to talk to me don't make assumptions somebody you i would say nine out of ten times when i assume something is the way it is probably 10 out of 10 to be honest with you i'm always wrong i'm always wrong when i make assumptions because it's based on my perception and again alcoholism is a disease of perception i have an inability to shift perspectives an inability to stop and see things a different way asking for help is the antidote here and it's the thing addiction trained us not to do assuming you they don't want to talk to me i'm a burden they'll say no they wouldn't get it that's your disease talking and it keeps you isolated oh my god i do this all the time he doesn't want to hear from me he's busy he's at work my problems are insignificant it's not a problem i'll figure it out i've got this all assumptions that i spin i am a movie projector going around projecting my version of reality onto the world that's what i do the courage to ask muscle is small at first start with low stakes asking can you clarify what you meant before the big stuff hey could you say that in another way could you explain that help me understand this expectations equal premeditated resentments assumptions are how you build the expectation in the first place the expectations will kill you man expectations are horrible it always ends in resentment i can't tell you how many times expectations are just what causes my suffering something didn't go the way i wanted it to go the way i planned the way i thought it would go i'm in resentment how could that have happened how could this happen to me i never get things that i want or deserve or need story spinning we are movie projectors going around projecting our version of reality onto the world notice it what where are you filling in the blank with a story when you could just ask ask for clarification communication most problems in life i've had a lot of problems with communication i've had a lot of i would say are a lack of communication full stop agreement for always do your best what the book actually says your best changes moment to moment it's different when you're healthy versus sick rested versus tired do your best under the circumstances and you avoid self-judgment self-abuse and regret yeah so you're not always going to be able to show up a hundred percent in your life but if you know at the end of the day when you put your head down on the pillow that you gave it a hundred percent of your effort for whatever that effort looked like today yesterday's effort might be different than today's you will not hate yourself you will not be in this self-judgment self-abuse and regret mode that is not good to be in because then you get into resentment again the key word everyone skips your best changes day two sober white knuckling your best is getting out of bed that counts perfectionism doesn't get this it holds day two to day 2000 standard your best is changing you are growing you are evolving this is progress not perfection from a different author same medicine guards against the shame spiral i do my best today it's a b minus day and i don't need to punish myself into a relapse over it the self-judgment was always more dangerous to my sobriety than the perfect the imperfect sorry day the self-judgment was always more dangerous to my sobriety than the imperfect sorry day always more dangerous to my sobriety than the imperfect day the story you're telling about yourself notice it reframe of the bad day doing your best on a hard day might mean calling someone hitting a meeting going to bed early eating healthy that's not a failed day that's a win it's a one one what does your best honestly look like for you today not on a good day today so this is a very easy read but it's very insightful it's very conducive to recovery it's very parallel a lot of the themes run parallel to recovery themes if you practice these four agreements like i said off the top you will change the outcomes of your day people will seem happier around you you will just end up happier with yourself watch your word especially about yourself don't take on what isn't yours ask instead of assume and let your best be enough for the day you're actually in be honest with yourself is this my best today my only ask is that you pick one of these four agreements and try to live with it for seven days notice what shifts in your life journal about it thank you for everyone who is following me on instagram and following the podcast if no one has told you this yet today i love you and remember recovery is simple not easy
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