The Fingerprint You Leave On Your Kids | Full Auto Friday | 8.7.26

good morning everybody just me today and actually you know what unfortunately it might have to be just me for a little bit again here in the near future because i'm going to tell everybody a secret that michael dropped on me the other day he's moving on with his life he is going to go i'm not going to say where or what he's going to do actually he was already talking about it he's thinking about going back to school he is going to change his station in life in a couple of months he's hopefully or not hopefully thankfully giving me some runway to help find his replacements so i don't know what's going to happen the negligent discharge friday episodes with michael will continue up until a point where he quits on all of us because he's a piece of shit and can't see anything through obviously i'm just joking bummer to see him uh leave i think it's going to be early next year but at the same time how could you not be supportive as somebody who wants to go out there better themselves uh and move on in life so there you go michael dork anywho questions for today normal q a i got my coffee i don't know all that's over there let's get into this question number one andy i'm writing because i'd really appreciate hearing your perspective and advice on something that's been weighing heavily on me i may be going through a divorce and i've been struggling with knowing when a marriage is worth continuing to fight for and when it's time to let go i'm still deeply in love with my husband but he is plainly in love with me and i'm still deeply in love with him and he has finally told me that he's no longer in love with me we do have kids my husband is currently in the air force and the one thing or one thing i've struggled with is feeling like i wish he had more people around him encouraging him to fight for our marriage instead of simply accepting that it's over from my perspective it has sometimes felt like aspects of the military culture can make it easier to disconnect from family life or embrace a more single lifestyle and i've wondered if that has played a role in my marriage and i've wondered if that has played a role i'd be interested to hear whether you experienced anything like that or if your military service affected your marriage in any way i know these are personal questions so i understand if there are parts you'd rather not answer but if you're comfortable sharing i'd love to hear your thoughts looking back do you have any regrets about your relationship with your ex-wife or the decision to divorce how did you know you had reached that point what advice would you give someone who still loves their spouse and wants to keep fighting even when the other person says they're done thanks for considering my question your perspective would mean a great deal to me well i'll do the best that i can this is obviously a deeply personal question meaning between you and your husband and i can speak from the you know the data point of one that i have of going through that but i think i can answer at least a little bit about maybe the environment he is serving in in the military or at least my experience with people when it came to the perspective of the single life the married life whatever it may be while in the military and one thing i i guess i can say to you directly that will be harder for people who are not in the military or in a relationship with somebody in the military to perhaps understand is that military relationships are very different than civilian relationships or they can be and i don't mean they're different people you know the uniform or whatever you wear there's not it's not as if it's a crazy different dynamic what i mean is the structure in potential time that you can spend apart is very very different than anything i've really seen i can't say i haven't seen jobs in the civilian world that require travel in time apart but let's say fleet navy and you're getting ready to go on a six-month deployment i don't know and i'm sure there are examples out there of jobs that would require that maybe to lift and shift and move for a new role this that or the other totally get that i'm not saying it's it's the only place that it can happen is in the military but in the military you're going to go on deployments you're going to have extended periods of time you're probably gonna have training associated with that and that's the key difference the time apart or maybe another way to look at it would be the limited time together so it is a different structure but it is very manageable and although the divorce rate is higher in the military and then i can take that even a step further to the special operations component of at least the navy which is all i can speak to it is higher even inside of that community however that doesn't mean that it's a death sentence for somebody wanting to go into that who is either looking at getting married or who is married i can give you some horror stories for sure of things that i watched from the outside but i could also give you some really cool success stories where people figured it out and maybe it was a combination of the two correct people finding each other personalities desires the independence but also the ability to be codependent and and to take those puzzle pieces apart and put them back together today's episode is brought to you by helix to this day this remains the easiest ad read i have ever done because every night at least when i'm not on the road i sleep on a helix mattress and it is unbelievable i have gotten emails and i've gotten emails from people from listeners at this point talking about how amazing their experience has been the ability to exchange the mattress when they got something that's going to be delivered to your house in a box that shouldn't have a mattress in it but i assure you that it does and it's not exactly what they were looking for that seamless ability to send it back to helix and get what it is that you are 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off site wide that's helixsleep.com slash cleared hot for 20 off site wide helixsleep.com slash cleared hot back to the show i can give you examples of that as well too are they fewer yes i'd be lying to you if i said that it was an equal 50 50 ratio but my point is that it's possible it might be a little bit more difficult again i think because of those time restrictions and dynamics but it is 100 possible to your point your words here from your perspectives it has sometimes felt like aspects of the military culture can make it easier to disconnect from family life or embrace a more single lifestyle and i've wondered if that has played a role that goes to a little bit of the time restrictions that i mentioned it's not that it's i wouldn't describe it like that i would say it's a much more individually dependent lifestyle i lived the last place that i lived in san diego the neighbors on each side and across the street were not in the military and they got to see each other every single day except for an outlier situation where something briefly came up 48 72 hours or a trip a planned trip with either the husband or wife where they were going to go explore something on their own or maybe take their kids somewhere their lives were defined by the codependence and i don't mean that in a bad way they were functioning as a team because they had direct access to that team and their life was built around that team being together and working as a team both being physically present pretty much at all times for the two or three who were on that street a little bit farther down who were in the military it's the exact opposite i think looking back now given the amount of time that i was gone that oftentimes i was a disruption when i came home because instead of having a dynamic where you know the other person is going to be there and you can build that life together back and forth and and solving problems together a lot of the time the person that is left at home and it's not always the wife by the way sometimes they are creating facilitating and driving that ship of the household and then when the other person comes back it can actually be disruptive because they have things set up in a way that works they have things set up in a way especially if you have children that facilitates everything that the children want to do on a schedule that is working for them and then this person interacts or comes back in on infrequent intervals and in a way that actually can throw some teeth off of the gears sometimes totally manageable and it's totally solvable, but you have to recognize the difference between those two types of relationship. And again, this speaks to what I was talking about, the dynamic of a military relationship when I first started. It is solvable, but I don't know if I would describe it as a more single lifestyle. I would say it's more independent because to me, when you say the single lifestyle, I look at that as somebody who, as a younger person, when you are single, looking back at myself, if you are single, then you are probably looking for companionship or a partner or whatever it may be, whether you're along the lines of somebody who dates more casually or more seriously, anywhere in that spectrum that you may land. In addition to living your life, you're probably looking for those things too. I think that's totally natural. So that's why I don't like to use the word single lifestyle. Now, are there people in the military that as soon as they leave their zip code, fall back into the single lifestyle where they're looking to bang anything that will hold still? Yes, that's 100% true for some people. I'm not saying that's everybody, but I'm not going to sit here and say that I didn't see people that acted exactly like that. Did I also see a shining example of the exact opposite of that? I think that's a good question. Our lives, if they're on a different street, they're acting differently, let alone a different zip code. So I think that's more of a person thing or a people issue. If you find the wrong person, then that's how they're going to act. I don't think it's the military structure. So again, I'll fall back on, it is a difference to me of independence, not being single. That aspect though, switching back to married versus single, the people that you choose to spend your time around will have an influence on you. So it is possible that your husband has a social circle that is supporting how he feels now and how he is expressing how he feels now, because those are the type of people that they are. You know, where they say you're the sum total of five people that you surround yourself with or spend the most time with. Well, if the five people that your husband is, and I'm not saying this is what's happening, but I'm just saying this is possible and that this impacts as well. And this has again, nothing to do with the military. If the five people that your husband is spending his time with are pieces of shit and they're married and they're out there acting like they're single at every given opportunity, that's not going to be a good influence. And honestly, that speaks to, I would say the choices that your husband is making and who he is. I know that people aren't perfect. And actually another question I have later on is about a relationship specifically involving an affair. I'm not saying that you have to burn that person at the stake, but your metric of control in that situation, if you see somebody and all humans are flawed, I'm not saying the perfection is possible, but your metric of control, you can't control how somebody else conducts their life. You can't control the decisions that they make, whether it is to be faithful to their marriage or they're out there, like I said, trying to bang everything that has a pulse. You can't control that. I wouldn't advise you to try to control that. You can try to counsel those people and talk with them openly and honestly and have hard conversations as friends, but your metric is your proximity to it. So if the five people closest to you are acting in that way, your choice is stay in that circle. So if the five people closest to you are acting in that way, your choice is stay in that circle with your passive acceptance of what they're doing or utilize your metric of control and remove yourself from that and find a better social circle that aligns more with your values. So I don't know who your husband is hanging out with. Are there examples though, of what we'll say is people playing in the pig pen and those that are the most virtuous when it comes to their marriage in the military? Yes, absolutely. Can you choose to hang out with one of those or the other, or at least control? Again, you can't control that. You absolutely can. I don't know which one of those your husband is hanging out with. So I can't say what the impact may be, but the impact is probably there. Back to your question. Looking back, do you have any regrets about your relationship with your ex-wife or the decision to divorce? Those are two pretty distinct and separate questions that are tied into the same sentence. And yes, I do. I have not only those two questions, but I also have two questions that I have regrets about the relationship with my ex-wife. I, when I look back at my life, you know, talking about how perfection is impossible. Oh, I regret in the many phases of life that I have had, the ways that I have treated people, the things that I have said, where I have fallen short of other people's expectations, my own expectations. I mean, I have so many regrets. I am such an imperfect person when it comes to the life that I have lived. And I always try to be upfront and honest with that. I have stumbled and tripped forward in my life more than I have found some key to success or some notebook that I have opened up or somebody had charted out and listed, Hey, these are the steps that you need to take and things that you can do to be successful. It's, it's not that. To me, it seems like micro failure or medium failure or macro failure, the divorce being a good example of that. I'm going to call that a macro failure, which was predicated by a lot of micro failures that led along the way. And I'll get into that in a minute, but it's just, I don't know, maybe from the outside, it's, it's easier to see things from rosy colored glasses because from the inside, it's, uh, it's tough to see through the lenses of my own and mistakes. Sometimes when I look back at the totality of the life that I have lived, I'm doing my best, um, to be and live up to every character value, core value virtue that I talk about that I wrote about that I'll have conversations about, but I'm human. I'm doing my best trying to have a positive impact, but I've had a negative impact on people's lives as well. And the divorce is a good example of that. I do have regrets, they may not be what you think though. One of them is I regret waiting so long to make the decision that I did. And that is something that I toiled with for years. And for those of you who are tuning in five, six years ago, six years ago. Yeah. 2022. No, 2020. I got divorced. I was married for 19 years and 11 months. And it was not a smooth or easy divorce. Not that I think that those were just all over the place. Like, oh yeah, I'm super easy. It was just like, and we're done. I think my situation probably was more in line with most people's experiences than the anomalous ones. When I hear people like, oh, it was fantastic. It was super easy. And we're still friends. I'm like, man, good for you. Uh, not the case for us. But when I look back, um, the issues that led to the, the breaking point were present 10 years before. And I had recognized them 10 years before, maybe not to the degree that I did, um, towards the, the end. And again, I was the person who had made the decision to leave that marriage, but they were all there. I cannot sit here and objectively say that it was anything that was truly new, except for, well, except for one aspect, that I won't, that I won't directly discuss because again, I am the only person who has a platform and it is unfair for me to give specifics of any kind. But I will say there was maybe only one change that occurred much closer to that decision point or accelerated to a place where it was no longer tenable for me to stay in that situation. Um, I don't, I don't regret the 10 years that I stayed because my children and the time that I got to spend with them, I would trade anything for that. I would go back even knowing the outcome, knowing what the entire journey would be. I would go back and repeat that process with that person from beginning to end. If it was guaranteed, I would go back and repeat that process with that person from beginning to end, but I would still have my children at the end of that because that's how amazing and awesome and how much I care about my children. The result in the end state, I mean, I could take all the knowledge back with me. maybe it would be, it would be different, but also I'm a firm believer in that marriage is much, much more about the person you are in the marriage with than the institution of marriage itself. There are people that can grow together and there can people that can grow apart and the military can have a hand in that, which takes me right back to the time restriction or requirement and time apart. Are you growing together independently or growing apart? My ex-wife and I definitely started growing apart. Is that the military's fault? No. Did the military service have a correlation to that? Yes, it did for sure. Was it likely recoverable? Probably, but that's a hypothesis and that's, you know, would require a time machine for me to go back and figure out. The biggest regrets, so the kids, again, I would, I would do it again as long as I was able to have my children again. The bigger regrets, were in that 10 year period, which I think my ex-wife would agree because I've heard her say that, A, the decision to divorce was correct and B, 10 years before that, the writing was on the wall. The regrets that I have are the spillover between our personal relationship and how much our children saw and experienced in that time. That's the regret. The kids in this situation, they're innocent. You know, they, they didn't chose, chose, choose. They did not choose to be born. That was a choice between my ex-wife and I, all three of our children, we had talked about and planned. So there were no whoopsie babies, but looking back and I've had these conversations with my kids now and having them tell me, well, yeah, we heard that and we knew that and we knew that was going on and I'll ask them, well, how did you know? And they'll say, well, we were sitting on the stairs listening. We were upstairs and we could hear you guys, um, sponges in the same house. And you know, you can get so wrapped up in what's going on with somebody directly that you can lose the impact it can have on those people that are closest to you, specifically your kids. They're sponges. They're watching everything. They're listening to everything. They're absorbing that. And what sucks is at the young age, they may not have the ability to process it, but it's still there like a fingerprint. And that fingerprint is what I regret the most. So if it's going downhill, my biggest piece of advice when it comes to that regret and not having any, which I don't know if it's possible, but having as little regret as possible, perhaps would be a better way to say it is be cognizant of that fingerprint. Don't escalate into arguments. Don't have conversations about your future, your relationship in front of your kids. Be the adult in the room, literally and figuratively protect your children to the best of your ability. If you're going to go through a divorce, it's going to be hard enough on them as it is. Do not under any circumstances involve them in that process any more than you possibly can avoid. So that's my big piece of advice. Biggest piece of advice and where my regret comes from the decision to divorce. Again, in that 10 year time period, I can't sit here and say that truly anything unique happened, but the amplitude and frequency did change towards the end for me. And I'm going to have to speak broadly about this. There was a specific incident and I'm not talking about infidelity. That wasn't an issue that we had. It was an issue that we had. And I'm not talking about infidelity. That wasn't an issue that we had in our marriage. There was a specific incident, which when it happened, the best way that I can describe it is I've, I heard my own heart breaking and I was not able to recover from that. And I stayed for about another year, but it was over at that point. So that though, for me, was the straw that broke the camel's back. But everything up until then was the pieces of straw, the ounces that became pounds on that camel's back. And let's be really clear here too. I'm not saying that I was perfect in this. I am sure my ex-wife had plenty of weight on her camel's back, if you will. So for this, I'm not saying that I was perfect in this. This situation for me, it was pretty clear. And I hope that's not the case for anybody else because it sucked and it was not recoverable. And I, and I think I realized in that moment that it wasn't, but what I had no realization of is what was I going to do and what was I supposed to do? And I had convinced myself that if I left, I would be a quitter and that I would be abandoning my kids. And those two statements, I was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I think kept me in that for another year. And I regret that too, because now years separated from that, I have fantastically close relationships with all three of my kids. And I'm a better version of myself because I am no longer in that situation. Now that is all work that I needed to put in outside of that situation. And I'm not going to do that. And of course I had a hand in getting that situation to that point. I am in no way, shape or form trying to paint this as good versus evil. And I'm over here perfectly on the good side and the other person's over. No, the relationship is the combination of two people. And sometimes we were both sitting there slinging mud at each other and it was stupid and it was ugly. And I regret that, but I am in a better place now because of the decision that I made. My of the decision that I made, I have found a partner who has redefined for me what the word love means. And I don't even know if I had an understanding of what it meant or what even the term partner means it because of the ability to get to that place and move on, even though it was a step into the absolute unknown. And it was gnarly. Um, but I think that's, I think that's in my situation, it was the right thing to do. Does that mean it's the right thing to do for everybody? No. So, you know, I think I digressed here a little bit and to answer your question about how did I, how did I know about my time or the decision for me, it was a little bit more concrete to answer your question. How did you know you had reached that point? Um, like I said, it was pretty clear. What advice would I give someone who still loves their spouse and wants to keep fighting? Even when the other person says, that they're done, this is tough because again, your question is personal. And I just, you know, I just laid out there quite a bit of the things that led up to that decision point for me. I would need to hear from you and have this conversation about the things that have led up, at least in your opinion, to the point where your husband may say that. And, you know, sometimes people say they're done, but what they mean is they're overwhelmed and they're frustrated. I hope you don't have a decade of experience, like I did of building towards that moment, because if you don't have that, and this is a matter of a season of life, a season of frustration, a season of something going on occupationally, I do think that that is recoverable. And the advice I'm going to give should shock nobody that I am, uh, who listens to the show. I would go and at least engage a professional in this relationship before you make this decision. That is also something that my ex-wife and I tried. We did try marriage counseling. Does it always work? No. Do marriage counselors always tell you that you need to stay together? No. Sometimes they might actually help you make the decision that is best for everybody in that ecosystem and orbit. But it's a step that if you truly do care, I think you absolutely have to try because if you don't and you do separate, I do think that will fall into your regret bucket at some point. It's an option that is available and if you didn't try it, there's not a whole lot of really good justification for that. So engage a professional. Your husband may not be interested in that and you may have to, I don't want to say talk him into it, but explain to him the same thing. Like, what do we have to lose? You can go into this steadfastly believing and feeling exactly like you do. Let's at least go through this process and let a professional who specializes in these things help us navigate this. Maybe at the end of that, what you can at least get is a pathway forward that is going to be the least damaging for your children. You can help set boundaries and guardrails. You could talk about the process with a neutral party in front of you that you perhaps like, okay, let's say it's going to head towards divorce. Talk about the divorce process with the counselor in the room. Find professionals that you can use as guardrails and tour guides, if you will. It's a horrible analogy, but it may be accurate and let them facilitate. And guide you through this. Let me tell you, it's way better than the alternate where you're literally in a boxing match. with a paper bag over your head and you can't see what's going on. You're swinging as hard as you can. And people that you care about are getting hit and you don't mean to, you don't need to do that. It's going to be, it's going to be shitty enough. It's going to suck enough if you go down that path. So somebody says they're done again, let them, it's like, cool, be done. And at the end of this process, if you're still done, then we can be done, but let's put in the time, work and effort. And maybe in that process, that person can identify, maybe, maybe it's not that they're done, but that they're frustrated or overwhelmed or whatever it is. And also, in addition to this, I would recommend for yourself, you could advocate this for your husband, but he may not want to hear it. Go talk to somebody yourself. And I would advocate that he do as well too. There's this negative stigma associated with talking with professionals who understand how the brain works is beyond me at this point. You know, especially when it comes to men, you know, it's a sign of weakness to ask for help. Go fuck yourself. It is an absolute sign of strength to realize that you're at the limits of your capability and to reach out to somebody who cares about you. If it's a friend circle or somebody who is there who exists to help people through that, to help you navigate. I have leveraged and leaned on that so many times in my life and it has been so wildly beneficial. So that's the best I can give you when it comes to your perspective. If it ends up going in a direction where the divorce is imminent or that is the way it's going to go, just constantly remind yourself that the marriage legal term, the marriage is between you and your husband. And as that is unraveling or coming apart, do the best that you can to keep it between you and your husband and do not allow your children to be hit more by the fragments that are going to come out of this, which they're going to, and they're going to get hit to a degree. Keep them out of the debris field. As much as humanly possible. It's going to be hard enough. All right. Question two, shifting gears for a bit. Sorry. I rambled on that one a touch, but that issue is, uh, it's a tough one and I lived through it. And so it is what it is. Question two, long-time listener, first time emailer. So what does, what, so what does solving feeling thoroughly unmotivated at what feels like the top look like? Got it. Okay. What does solving the issue of feeling thoroughly unmotivated at the top look like? I don't know. Let's get into it for background. I attempted suicide at 12 and beat severe depression from the time I can remember to when I was 21. I'm 28 now recovered and was doing great. Have a beautiful wife hit milestones. Like it was nothing that most people hit in their mid to late forties have financial success in parentheses, 140 K comp slated for 200 K plus 15 to 20% bonuses within the next six months and scaled every mountain I ever wanted to climb. I've climbed the mountains, but never stopped to take in the view. And I regret this. Now the first passes have come and gone for what I looked forward to most in my early life. Now there's no mountain I'm interested in climbing. I'm bored at work. I can pretty much do whatever aside from work out because I had back problems and headed to PT next month. I feel unmotivated as I can see the start, middle and end of every challenge in parentheses, as I become a great student, I know everything is possible. And it's just a question of time. I'm not a student. I'm not a student. I'm not a student. in discipline, which takes the fun and joy out of it. Recommendations, role models, hobbies, currently do long range shooting, pushups, and flight sims for fun. Much appreciated for any insight. What a fascinating email. First off, what a journey it must have been from the age of 12. I'm incredibly grateful you survived your suicide attempt all the way to 21 battling depression. 28 now, recovered, doing great. You're married, you hit milestones, and it seems as if you are completely and utterly unfulfilled. I'm going to focus on one aspect here first, because I think this is such a trap and it caught me when I was younger. You have financial success, 140K, which is fantastic. Going to be up to 200K plus a 15 to 20% bonus in the next six months. That's going to put you into the hot, like single digit globally earners, which is fantastic. But it sounds like you're unfulfilled. And that is the trap, the money trap. If I could just make more, I can do more. If I could just make X amount, I'll feel Y. If I could just have this thing, my life will look like this. And all of that is so completely, utterly bullshit. And I did not realize that until much later than 28 in my life. God, I've done some done things with money. Here's what I've come to realize about money. And I said this before. Money problems never go away. Being broke, having no cash, homeless on the street, the definition of being broke. There's problems associated with that, with a lack of money. I know some people who have net worths that I don't understand. I literally don't even understand the numbers associated with that. And not all of them, but a couple of them seem as if they're poor. And they're talking about their friends who have more than they do, which is an even greater unfathomable amount of money. I have a Global Express, but they have a G650ER or the G800, which I know those are really high-end aircraft. I have no perception of them beyond that. But can you fathom a world where you feel poor as somebody with a B associated to their net worth because somebody's either A has more Bs than you, or B has more Bs than you, or B has more Bs than you, or they have two jets or a nicer jet. So you're literally traveling the world private, but you feel poor because your buddy or somebody you know has a better jet than you. And the point in all that is that's a different type of money problem. And some of those people also feel incredibly unfulfilled, not because they have nothing. It's because they have everything and they can do everything. And because of that, they don't know what to do. They don't feel anything. Everything is within reach. They don't know what to do. So they feel incredibly unfulfilled. Also, to layer this onto the problem side of the money with those extreme net worths, I don't know how those people trust anybody because I know of, God, horrendous examples of people that were vampires, just absolute economic vampires who manipulated them, who worked their way through the social circle. And it was just a handout and just not only a handout, but another hand into a bucket of just taking and taking and taking. And I'm sure those people don't know what to do. I'm sure those people don't know what to do. And I'm sure those people say, well, why can't I just take whatever I want to? They have so much, what are they even going to notice? And that's not the point. Whether they notice it or not, you're a piece of shit. You're stealing. You're a thief. Problems on both sides. Money is always going to come with problems, whether it's a lack of money or more money than you know what to do with. So don't think ever that money solves problems. Don't get me wrong. Money can solve some problems. It can solve food, housing, travel. You can buy a lot of nice things. Having nice things is nice. I'm not going to sit here and say that that's not true, but it doesn't solve all problems, especially from what I can tell, fulfillment. So you mentioned your salary, which is fantastic. And like I said, you're single digit top earners in the world. How is that working for you when it comes to a sense of fulfillment? Now, what I'm going to say to you is this. You are describing where you're at in your life as the top of mountains, mountaintops. What I will say, so I am two decades older than you, 48. The mountaintops I look at now at 48, when I look back at the mountaintops that I thought in life existed at 28, they're foothills. They're literally two inches off the ground. And you'd have, to try hard to trip over them. And that is not to take anything away from the accomplishments that you have in your life. That is to say, as you navigate through life, and I think everybody can experience this. What you had once thought was, look back to your teenage years when we thought we knew everything, right? Like let's call, well, especially for young men, we'll call it the sweet spot of 16 to 18, peak knowledge of everything on earth. We'll call ourselves, we are defined by the Dunning-Kruger effect, as a young man at the age of 16 to 18. Knowledge of anything and everything, capability that is, there's not even a tool that could measure capability at that time. You know, your ability to achieve unlimited and untapped, of course, and bump forward 10 years in your life. And you look back at that and you just, it's like the tears that stream down your face, looking back at your younger self, because of how much you have changed and how comical it was to look back, and think, that's how much I thought I knew. That's what I thought I was. And then you look forward 10 years, like, man, whew, glad there wasn't a video camera out filming most of that, which actually in my generation was possible. In the younger generation, I don't know how you guys are navigating this. You know, it's total digression. I was having a conversation with somebody, and one of the things they mentioned that is almost devoid, not from everybody, but one of the things that has decreased so much in the modern era, and I don't know what this means at all, but this thought of everything being filmed brought me to this. Younger people are dancing less. And I was never a dancer, by the way, so I could give two shits about people who dance. But there was always people out there dancing. But what this person was saying is, and I think it based off an article or study that they read, young people are so afraid to go out and dance because everything that they do is recorded. So if they make a fool of themselves and air quotes, which is super subjective, by the way, right? They're afraid it's going to end up on the internet. They're afraid to approach women and say anything because they think it's going to end up on the internet. And I don't know where that leads, but that sucks. At least when I was growing up, if you made yourself into a dipshit, it was the people recorded it with their eyeballs and you'd have to deal with a little bit of the social drama later on as people talked about it until somebody else made themselves an idiot. I can't fathom having my mistakes living on the internet forever. So again, just as an aside there. 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Your morning routine gets more effective based on what you're currently taking. Head over to drinkag1.com slash cleared hot to get an AG1 Pro Yeti shaker in your AG1 Pro welcome kit. That's drinkag1.com slash cleared hot. Grab yours now before it is gone. Back to the show. It's great that you are feeling like you're on the top of a mountain, but I also have some concerns in the way that you structured your email. You said there's no interest in your email. I'm not interested in your email. I'm not there's no mountain you're interested in climbing. You're bored at work and I can pretty much do whatever aside from work out because I have back problems. I feel unmotivated as I can see the start, middle and end of every challenge as I become a great student. I know everything is possible and it's just a question of time discipline, which takes the fun and joy out of it. I would, if I were you, I would look up the term hubris because that paragraph and specifically and only that paragraph screams to me hubris, an overinflated sense, of what somebody is capable of doing. And maybe you are the person, the anomaly in life that can achieve every goal that they set. But I don't think so. And I don't say hubris negatively. I'm not talking shit to you. What I'm trying to say is I recognize the young man that you are. And I recognize that headspace. If you feel like you can see the start, middle and end of every challenge and that you think everything is possible because you have, the ability to solve it from start to finish, I would simply say to you, you are aiming too low. Because if you think you can solve all challenges and problems in life, you need to be out here as vocal as possible, leading the way, showing other people how to do that. Because let me tell you, the audience for people looking for the ability to see the start, middle and end of every challenge. The ability to achieve everything because it's possible, because it's just a question of time and discipline. The audience for your message is going to be untapped and unlimited. You will be fantastically wealthy if you can take people to the promised land, as you have described, you have found it yourself. But I'll go back to what I said. If you feel that way about the things that you are looking at in your life, my biggest piece of advice is take a breath and take a step back and aim at a much higher trajectory. Because I assure you, there is something out there in life for all of us that is going to kick you right in the teeth. And that it doesn't matter how disciplined or motivated that you are, you're going to fail. Because as a person, you don't have the tools or tenacity to finish it. And that's just life. That is something that I have come to realize two decades past where you are. Not everything is accomplishable. I never had a chance to play in the NBA, right? I was cheated. I was so good at basketball. I'm joking. I never played basketball. I remember shooting hoops when I was in like middle school. I don't care how much I had worked at it. I was never going to play NBA. Sorry, not going to happen. So that right there in and own theory. Actually, you shot a hole in your own email to yourself. I know everything is possible. Okay. But you just said you can do everything but work out. So I could probably list a thousand physical things that you can't do right now because your back is jacked up. Hopefully it gets better. Although, by the way, and again, I'm not saying this negatively, but you're being really selective at the things that you're pointing at. I think the things that you're pointing at are the things that you're already good at or the things that you already enjoy. And perhaps you're getting close to a level of mastery on those things, which is great. But when you do that, yeah, you know, the excitement and the fun and the joy might fall out of it a little bit, the closer you get to mastery, depending on what it is. But, you know, you just said that you're physically limited currently, but you know that everything is possible. Those two sentences go at odds with each other. And maybe you, you can take some time to perhaps realize that and think on that a little bit. You are still in the Dunning-Kruger effect. And that is okay because it lasts for a while. And honestly, I think there's, I think there's some beauty in joy in being in that, to think that you can do anything, to think that you have it all figured out. I don't think that's all bad. I think that can inspire people to try things that they have no business doing. And I'm not saying life, limb, or eyesight here, but it can inspire people to do things that maybe that they wouldn't have done before or wouldn't have tried before. And then when they do fail, I think that's beautiful as well, because the lessons can be learned there. And that's how you start exiting the Dunning-Kruger effect. So financially, it sounds like you're in a great spot. Relationship wise, you didn't really mention. Did you say you have kids? You didn't say you had kids. And actually, I'm not advocating that you have kids to ruin your life. I'm just saying when you do, that children are designed to sharpen their teeth on the bones of their parents. You want to get humbled. You want to be shown how little you know about anything and how imperfect you are, because have some kids. And again, I'm not telling you to do this. I'm just giving you a perspective as somebody who thought they had it all figured out. I'm still waiting for the parenting book. I'm still waiting for chapter one through 15 of this is how you navigate perfectly all of the challenges of raising young men and women, because it is the hardest thing, the most anxiety creating, the most frustrating, the most worrying, and the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. But it is failure after failure after failure, stacked on a little bit of success and lessons learned and trying not to repeat the same failures. Probably easier from the outside than, actually, I know. I know that for a fact. It's way easier on the outside to judge somebody else's parenting than strap it on and strap in, strap on. My man, this would be a good one for Michael because he's a fan of both. But which one of those would be a better analogy for parenting? But I digress. To the end of your question, recommendations, role models, and hobbies. Recommendations, I think I already laid it out for you. Aim a lot higher. If you're not scared, and I don't mean trembling, but if you are not questioning yourself as to whether or not you are even capable of achieving your goal, you're not aiming high enough for you specifically, the person I'm talking about. It sounds like you may need to really aim high to achieve your goal that can help reorient this headspace. Role models, it's up to you. If it's in a physical world of something that you want to do, I would say, I would say, I would say, I would say, I would say for you, first off, get your back sorted. And then I would get you back. I would get you out into nature and I would get you into the wild to get your ass kicked and to get you humbled. You want to try and you think everything is accomplishable. Link up with Chad Wright, reach out, find out who Chad Wright is. And why don't you go ahead and sign up for one of his events once your body is capable of doing so, obviously, and let him push you to the limit of what you think is possible. And if you're not capable of doing so, I would say, I would say, and then through that, and then watch what happens when people actually get pressed to that level. Go out and run an ultra, get out into the mountains and get your teeth kicked in by mother nature that doesn't give two shits about how bad-ass you think you are. And so those role models and hobbies, you can find themselves. But for you, I would push you into the physical realm of role models and hobbies, because that is a crucible that doesn't care what you think of yourself. And I think that's the key. And I think that there is a lot of gold to be mined there for you growing as a person. And that's all I got for question number two. All right, question number three, this will be the last one for today, because I ran my mouth so much on question number one. And this one actually ties into it a little bit from the affair perspective, which was what I was talking about. Andy, I hope this finds you well. I apologize in advance of the feeling this may be a lengthy email. I've listened to the podcast for probably close to six years, ever since my dad introduced me to it as a younger man. And your podcast has helped me shape myself into a person that is very much like you. And I think vastly different than most other 18 year olds in this generation, I would say. For a brief introduction, I'm 18 years old, going into my senior year of high school recently, and joined the Marines, which is the men's department of the Navy, by the way. I ship out, or I'll ship out to boot camp June of 2027. Okay, so you're through in the delayed entry program. I'm very familiar with this. The Marine Corps as a whole has been almost a family tradition in my family, with my dad and six of my uncles all being in as well. Yeah, I'll call that a family tradition for sure. Holy cow. I would love to see that party of Marines hanging out. They are an esprit de corps. It is unbelievable. The secret sauce that the Marine Corps has and how they onboard people into that military culture is fantastic. I'm going to say it's the best of the military services. Quick change in direction here though. I, as well as my siblings and mother, have just found out that I'm a Marine Corps veteran. I'm a Marine Corps veteran. I found out about a recent affair going on between my dad and a coworker behind all of our backs, and I can't help feeling that some drastic changes are coming in our near future, along with the feeling of betrayal landing an absolute uppercut to the balls. My question to you is, how would you deal with change on this level without sacrificing family ties and burning bridges along the way? I want to make an emphasis on the possibility if, in caps, changes in my parents' marriage does happen, I feel that more responsibility, will fall on me to help take care of my three younger siblings. But then again, my time here is actively on a timer as I am leaving in less than a year and obviously will be far from home. Where does your advice land on how to navigate this? Thanks for your time. Please tell Michael to get his shit together. No kidding, right? An 18-year-old telling Michael, who's 23, you're five years his junior, telling him to get his shit together. Unbelievable. I completely agree with you. This is a tough one. This one sucks. How do you deal with change on this level without sacrificing family ties and burning bridges along the way? You take your time and you don't rush and be quick to think and slow to act. Quick to think, slow to act. There's always time. The one thing about this that will give you even more time is that this is an issue, although yes, you're part of a family, right? You're part of the nucleus of the family. Your mom and dad are going to have to sort this. It is directly involved between those two. You are one layer removed, and I'm not saying that makes it any easier, but that gives you a little bit of distance. It's going to give you a little bit more time. Your parents are going to have to sort this before any familial issues can probably be solved. They are going to have to figure out what they want to do. Now, the uppercut to the balls, I get it. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be a child. I think we all remember this as a child. At some point in your life or up to some point in your life, your parents are. Are the oracles of everything. They know everything. They are your north star, your magnetic north for your compass when it comes to integrity, to morals, to how to communicate, everything. That's when you're younger because you have spent so much time around them and your optic and context on the world and relationships and all of those things that I mentioned is limited because you just don't have many reps or any. Then you realize at some point in time that your parents. Are just people. And they're doing the absolute best that they can, which is not to excuse any behavior from your father. What I'm trying to say to you is this, your dad and your mom, and I think at 18, by the way, you've already kind of crossed the Rubicon on this one where you realize that your parents are just that. They're just people who don't have an instruction manual on life. They don't have an instruction manual on parenting, and they are just doing the best that they can. And they're just people who don't have an instruction manual on parenting, and they're also flawed. I mean, I remember being young and you couldn't even think of the idea of your parents being flawed. My mom and dad, I would look at them like, what flaws could they possibly have? They're perfect, obviously. I mean, all you have to do is look at the product that they've created myself. I too am perfect. So therefore, my parents are perfect as well. Yeah, not the case at all. But I remember feeling like that because I didn't know any better. At 18, I realized that my parents were just parents or people, I should say. My parents were just people. And that doesn't mean that behavior should be excused. It just simply means that perfection is impossible. I can only imagine, like I said, feeling however you must have felt about your father the day before you found this out and feeling how you probably feel about your father the day after you heard about the affair. I can't even imagine that. But that's got to be earth shattering as far as perspective and perception. And if you hadn't arrived at that place where you realize that your parents are just people and that they are as flawed as anybody else, welcome to the show because now you have. What do you do with that, I think, is the question. And I don't have the answers to that for you, unfortunately, other than to say there's no reason to rush. You're going to have to sort some stuff. And even your dad are going to have to sort some stuff. And the rest of your siblings are going to as well, depending on their ages, that might be years down the road. But, you know, the day before you found this out, there was a painting of the world that you were living in. And now you have a new painting and it's going to take some time to probably fill in some of those lines or understand what this abstract mess looks like and make some sense of it. And that's OK. What I will say is this. When you said if your parents' marriage, if change in your parents' marriage does happen, you feel that more responsibility will fall onto you to help take care of your three younger siblings. That's possible. But at the same point, that's also not your job. And that isn't your role. That is an issue that your parents are going to need to solve. It was your father's action slash S actions that led to where you are now. And the changes in the relationship between your dad and your mom and the cascading downstream effects of that are on your dad and your mom to figure out. Because as you accurately mentioned, you are on an egg timer as it is. Your dad created this situation, this via his actions, right? And I can only, I'm basing all of this off of the email that you sent to me. So limited information, obviously. No idea what was going on between him and your mom. That's for them to sort. But he is largely going to bear the responsibility for sorting out the BDA or battle damage assessment, a term that you'll get used to in the military, specifically in the Marine Corps on how to navigate this going forward. It's not your job to fix this for your parents at all. There's nothing that you can do or say that will change your life. Be able to fix this for your mom and dad, if it is fixable. That is something that they are going to have to sort on their own. And I'm not saying stay completely out of this. If they ask you, I would tell them exactly how this impacts and affects you. I would tell them how you are feeling about it. I would tell them your concerns. But those two in the relationship are going to be the ones responsible to either fix it or not. And they are going to be the ones to either fix or create a new infrastructure. I'm not saying don't be there to support your siblings that are younger than you as you continue your journey into being a young man and start spreading your wings and flying on your own. I'm not saying don't be there to support either of them. I'm saying it is not your job to fix this because you can't. And I know that that might suck, but it is the reality. Again, I can't fathom what it would feel like to have that realization. And depending on when you did find this out, I would say this goes back to what I said, you before you have time. Think quick, but act slowly. Think through how you feel. But if you have a moment where you want to go scream at either one of your parents, you know, you know, work through that, but act slowly upon it. Take an hour, go for a walk. In the conversations that I'm sure you're going to have with your dad, do the best you can to not let it escalate into an overly emotional conversation. I don't mean that emotions shouldn't be involved in this. These conversations are going to be heavily emotionally based. I'm saying don't let your emotions take over your speech. Try to at least be objective in the things that you're saying, because those conversations where it is driven by emotion, that is where things can go flying over the left field wall pretty fast. And, you know, sticks and stones will break your bones and words will never hurt you. True. But that doesn't mean that words don't have impact. And sometimes, And I say this from personal experience and where I have fallen and short in communication in my life before, you can really deeply regret saying something to somebody because in that moment you were very impassioned, very emotional. And you can then go even directly apologize for what you said. Whether or not that person ever truly puts it down, right? Puts the horse back into the barn. I don't know. What's easier is recognizing when it's getting to that place where the emotions are starting to grab a hold of the steering wheel and direct the conversation and stopping it at that point. So you don't have to actually worry about that. Please use my personal experience in life. You're going to make these mistakes, make as few of them as possible because it's tough. Even like I said, directly apologizing for something you said to somebody that is of course the correct action to take, but it doesn't mean that it is forgotten or the impact is removed completely from that other person. Focus on yourself. And I know that sounds selfish. You have a goal in front of you. I want you to be there for your mom. I want you to be there for your dad. I want you to be there for your siblings. But the first thing you have to do is be there for yourself. So when I say focus on yourself, I don't mean to the exclusion of everybody else, but continue to do the things that you need to do to make sure that your target leaving for the Marines in a year, just under a year now, actually 10 months from now, because this is in August. I think you said June, right? Where is it? June? Yep. June of 2027. You need to stay on the path for that. And actually the best way to be there for your parents and your siblings is to be the best version of yourself. And you have to focus on yourself a little bit of selfishness to make sure that you are doing what you need to do to not only accomplish your goals, but to set yourself up to be in that place for maximal support when it is needed. So you cannot disregard yourself in this moment, even if you may want to. I'm not saying ignore the people that you love. I'm not saying when they need help, I'm just saying, make sure you don't ignore yourself and you put in the work for yourself so you can be that stable foundation to help others. Hopefully that helps. I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. This absolutely sucks. It might feel like it's overwhelming and untenable right now. A year from now, it will feel differently. Two years from now, it will feel even more differently. Five years from now, again, you can extrapolate and extend these timelines out as far as you want to. That's not going to make this any easier, but just understand you're not the first family to go through this. Open and honest communication can hopefully help reinstill integrity and trust in the people that are involved in this situation. But both parties in that have to participate. You can only control your portion of that, and that's where you need to focus. And that is all I have for this Friday. See you guys Monday.