The Financial Tea of Moving in with Your Boyfriend

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That's 50% off your first year at Monarch.com with code FINANCIALT. What's up, zippers? It's me, Haley, a.k.a. Mrs. Dow Jones. This is The Financial Tea. You know, that podcast you love where I teach you how to build wealth with a side of market drama, money, scandals, and, of course, financial pop culture. Yeah, that one. And today, I am spilling the financial tea because guess what? Your girl is moving in with her boyfriend. Just kidding. He's moving in with me because I had a bigger apartment. But the point is we are merging spiritually, physically, financially. Because, you know, a move-in takes work. Suddenly, all your costs are intertwined. So, honey, we got to talk through it. Hopefully, this will be helpful. And if you have any thoughts on cohabitation, let me know. Leave it in the comments. I read every comment. So keep them coming. I respond to them. I love to hear from you. Oh, and don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to the show. It really helps us. Like, truly, I want to do a season 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. And the only way we're going to be able to do that is if we have subscribers. So, please, give it to us. Subscribe if you like the show and you want to hear more of us. But, yeah. Now, let's get into what's happening behind closed doors, which is that I'm just, like, with my boyfriend and love living together and, like, what that means for our wallets. Shall we? This is Financial Tea. Let's start off by talking about why we moved in together, which was, of course, to save money. Just kidding. It was not to save money. Okay? Yes, we are saving money by splitting rent. And that is definitely true. That is definitely a perk. But I want to be clear. You should never move in with a partner for the sole purpose of saving money. Because then the relationship could implode and you could be stuck. And this actually happened to my friend, Samantha, who was living with this guy in L.A. And it was a horrible relationship. And she got stuck in the relationship for, like, a year longer than she should have just because she didn't have the money to move out. So, be careful. Don't move in just to save money. Move in because you really want to spend time together. And, like, that's the next step. But the relationship decision comes with financial implications and those we are going to talk about. And what I mean by that is when you move in together, you have to talk about money in a way that you never have with this person. So, the first step I would say to moving in together is really just being financially naked with each other and saying how much you each make. Because you need to know how much bacon they're bringing home, how much bacon you're bringing home, so that then you can split the bacon proportionally when you decide how much you are each going to pay for rent. Because, let me be clear, I do not believe that couples' finances should be 50-50. I believe in being fair, not equal. Like, if one person makes $100,000 and the other person makes $300,000, why would they both pay the same amount for rent? That's three times more money for the person who makes $100,000 than the other person. That's not fair. So, you have to both say how much you make. Just be transparent. Let them in. Let them know so that you can figure out what the right way to split, like, what you're going to split. What your ratios should be. With Mr. Dow Jones, we actually make the same amount, not to brag, which is very rare for a couple, by the way. Like, we really got lucky that we just were coming in with the same pies. We have the same amount of bacon. So, we did end up splitting things 50-50. But if I had been like, you actually make, you know, three times more than me, then I would expect him to pay three times more rent. And same with vice versa. So, that's really the first conversation. And I know that I'm, like, hyped up as I say this to you and I'm being, like, intense. But I will also say that when you talk to someone. When you talk about finances, it's good to be relaxed. Like, sort of have the stoner attitude. That's something I've learned, too, is, like, you want to make it really nonchalant when you talk about money. Because the more that you energize it and make it a big deal, the more they're going to think that it's a big deal to you. And then they're going to get worked up. But I honestly made a huge financial mistake with the whole move-in thing where I thought that rent was, like, the big thing. I was like, great. We're financially transparent. We know how much each other makes. We're going to split rent 50-50. Got it. Like, whole Venmo meet. Because, obviously, I want to put rent. I want to put rent on my built car and get those points. You know I'm a whore for those points, baby. But then when we were living together, I was like, fuck. There's all these other expenses that we didn't account for. So we had to go back to the drawing board and create a system around those, too. Like, no one tells you when you move in that you need to budget for the toilet paper and the, you know, if you have a housekeeper and the dry cleaning. And, like, you know, if you're sharing a pet, Mr. obviously has a father now. It's huge for him. You know, is he paying for the dog food? Things like that. So you have to add that in to the budget so that everything feels fair. And I think fair is really the most important word here because in order for the relationship to work and feel really healthy, you both have to feel that you're contributing proportionally the fair amount. And I didn't feel like it was fair at the beginning because I was like, oh, no. Just because he moved into my apartment and I had all these systems already set up that were on my card. Like, sure. Give me your clothes. I'll send it to my dry cleaner. Or, oh, I have it on Amazon subscription for us to get the toilet paper, whatever. And then I was like, wait, hold on. These are all shared expenses that we need to discuss. So I called an emergency money date. And we have since created a system for those two. And the system that we decided on was to get a shared credit card. And a lot of people do, like, shared bank accounts and things like that. I will say whenever you are tying yourself to someone financially, you need to first check their credit score and make sure that they are someone that you share. Because if they take that credit card and go on a shopping spree, you are on the line for half of that money, honey. So you've got to make sure that you avoid that. But, yeah, we decided on a shared credit card just so we can put all those things. Something like being cute on a Sunday night, being like, I'm ordering tacos. Do you want one? Then becomes this financial recurring cost of why am I always paying for our tacos? And it builds resentment. So I think that's also the biggest thing when you're in a relationship is figuring out your financial systems. Because if you don't, then you end up just shouldering it. And it will make you resent the other person. If you're going to be with this person for a long time, like, a lot of people who move in together, get married, you know, like, life progresses, it gets more serious, then it sort of gives you a hint of what that's going to be like. And he was really receptive and really open to it when I suggested, okay, let's get a shared credit card for these expenses that are incurring because we live together that I shouldn't be paying for. And I was talking to a lot of my friends. And I was talking to a lot of my friends who've lived with their partners about the shared credit card thing. And they were all like, oh, yeah, we had shared credit cards way before we got married just because I think that it's, like, a very easy way to have your shared costs. Like, even if you're, like, going to the airport together, put the Uber on the shared credit card. You know what I mean? Just, like, those things that shouldn't be one person paying or the other, you're both on the line for it. And I obviously have been using the credit card for Net-A-Porter. I've been getting my nails done. No, I'm kidding. I haven't done any of that. It's – but maybe I should. Just kidding. But maybe I'm not. And it's, like, if he invites you to a wedding, like, should you be able to use a shared credit card for that dress? Yes. And for your glam, of course. And for, like, new shoes, obviously. No, I'm kidding. You have to be respectful with the shared credit card. But also, maybe you don't. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. There is nothing quite like having pieces in your closet that you just love and know that you can count on for any damn occasion. Except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. So this holiday season, Quince is where I am finding those pieces. 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Give the gift you want. of quality this holiday season. the quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada and the uk too and when quince asked where you heard about them let them know it was financial t it is the best way to support the show the other thing that i really wanted to flag about moving in with a partner is like the sneaky lifestyle things that happen where like everyone has a different relationship to money and it's so formed with how you grew up like we i always say your relationship to money is formed by the time you're seven years old and that's because that is an actual data point i don't just say it there's science behind it and when you live with someone you see all of that so like little things like do you want to get a housekeeper or not but also like for me i grew up with a mom who really takes care of my dad like she is an amazing partner to him but i don't want to be a housekeeper to him and i don't want to be a housekeeper to him and i don't want to be a housekeeper to him and i don't want to be a housekeeper to him in a very traditional sense like you know she makes he doesn't really eat real food he just eats chocolate frozen yogurt so she makes sure there's always chocolate frozen yogurt and like fruit wherever he goes you know he's got all the things that he needs like she really takes care of him but i always wanted to be in a relationship and my intention in my relationship is to be equals i don't want to be that traditional wife i want to be a partner with my partner where it's but what i realized at the beginning of moving in together was that i was definitely being more like my mom even though that wasn't my intention in the relationship it was just coming out because like i don't know that was what i've absorbed of like what it means to live together and like start to form this more serious partnership and so with the help of therapy i had to take a step back and sort of reframe that and it's something that i'm definitely working through because i don't want to be in a relationship where it's like i am a homemaker you know what i mean like i'm down to make a home but it's like we'll make a home together and it was just interesting to me that that came up because i'm obviously like all my content is about like women being independent and like equality and relationships and i was like damn but i sort of am like trying to take care of him in this really traditional sense and i had to walk that back a little and by the way it's not that he wants me to do that like i think a relationship really is just a mirror to yourself and like what you need to work on and so it's been really interesting too just from like a more psychological deep perspective figuring out what my money habits and biases are about like a woman in the home and you know trying to work through those and be intentional about how i show up okay wait speaking of mirrors this whole move-in thing has also been a mirror to my value system because i've realized that i am someone who will absolutely pay for convenience whereas i am dating someone who's very independent very diy and like really will just do everything himself which is amazing but like i'm like let's book the task rabbit let's like get a housekeeper like i have an amazing assistant like can we help you move things like that and trying to sort of create a system of support around our lives which i think because i have a business too and you need so much support to run a business that's sort of like how i look at operating my personal life too and how i think that i'll look at having kids as well which is also why i'm moving to a new business and i'm like i'm going to move to a new business and i'm moving in together is really cool because it lets you think about like okay how am i going to spend money on my life going forward through all of these life steps like what is that going to mean and i'm like oh well i'm definitely going to want help like hayley's gonna need some nannies you know like things like that and so what i've learned or what we've decided that i think feels really fair is like the things that i really want support on that he doesn't really care like he would diy i just pay for like if we need to paint something i'm like let's get i'm just gonna get a task rabbit versus waiting for him to like be free and get the paint and all this stuff if i have like an urgency to it which i do whenever i move or you know whenever i change things in my apartment i want it to be done really fast i don't like being in that in between i find it really destabilizing so i'm very much like let's throw money at the problem get someone to come help us and like we'll go from there and so that wasn't even really a conversation i just paid for that without saying anything because i was like this is not his value system at all and i'm like okay i'm going to do this i'm going to do this i'm going to do this i'm this is mine being not a diy and but wanting to make haste and so let's just do this because for my mental health i need this crossed off my list and he went with it but the same thing applies to like when you're buying furniture together things like that like say you know you really want to get a new couch but your partner is totally fine with the couch that you have now should you force them to split the cost of a new couch with you because you're both going to enjoy that couch or should you just pay for the couch because that's something that you really want i personally think though actually in that scenario if you wanted to get a new couch you're both going to use the couch you should split it like if the old couch is shitty and you need a new couch but the other person is like fine with a shitty couch but you really want a new couch you guys should split the new couch you know what i mean but like if it's something that's totally egregious like you want to buy a leopard chair or something that is just like impractical and a fun flourish to the apartment that they don't really care about then they should pay for it we have that in our apartment too there's like this gorgeous bar that my partner bought he wanted to get a bar like that was important for him so he paid for the bar and like if anything happened between us i don't think so like i love him so much i want to be with him forever but i would be like you should take the bar like that's yours you paid for it you know whereas if we split a couch it would get a bit more complicated which leads me to my next point which is sort of gruesome it's about having a conversation before you move in together about what would happen if you were to break up jared freed when he was on the show said something that i think about all the time where he was like you have to be so delusional to be in a relationship because you really do have to convince yourself like this is it like we're going to be together forever all these things and it's amazing but also like we all know that sometimes things don't work out and who you move in with is not who you're going to move out of the apartment with like you should figure out the terms of everything like you're going to move out of the apartment with when times are really good and i look at this the same way as i look at getting a prenup where it's not necessarily the most sexy conversation but it is the most responsible one that will sort of help future you navigate some things and what i'm really talking about here is the lease like who's going to live in the apartment when you guys break up or are you guys going to both move out and get new places like just having some understanding of that i think is really healthy and you know it just shows you that you can go to these places that are not necessarily comfortable with your partner and come out alive like all of these are good tests for your relationship because a relationship should be like a rubber band like it should be able to expand and contract it should be durable and not every conversation a moment that you have with your partner even if you love them so much and they're your best friend is going to be like the most fun amazing conversation that you've ever had because part of being with someone is combining lives with them and that means a lot of logistics and a lot of hard conversations and a lot of hard conversations and a lot of hard conversations you know a lot of hard times are going to come with being someone for a long term so you have to be able to get through all of that and communicate around it and i think this is you know moving in is sort of this really good stepping stone and test and practice for those other life moments that are certainly going to come your way and then the other lever that i also want you to pull before you move in is not only having that cohabitation agreement discussion but also making sure that you have an emergency fund i have this friend who's going to be a part of this who was living with this guy she made the cardinal sin you guys of moving in just to save money which i mean expenses are so high right now i get it but it was so not the right person and so obviously it imploded but she had no emergency fund and so she was literally stuck in this horrible relationship and by the way the guy was like physically abusive like it wasn't just like they didn't like each other he was a really bad guy and she could not get out of it just because she did not have enough money to get her own place and so she was like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know and it's also really scary because she's moving in now with her new boyfriend that i also don't like and again doesn't have an emergency fund and again this is like a bad guy and i'm like holy shit you are about to get trapped for like three years even if this isn't the right person and you're unhappy because you're not gonna be able to get out of the situation so i would say it's really important to be able to walk away if you need to and that's another example of why you shouldn't move in just to save money okay now that i've given you every single horror story that i've read i want to add one silver lining which is that moving with your partner does rock it is literally like having a sleepover with your best friend every night i freaking love it i think that it's the best thing ever and i also think that like it's helped me grow you know like even though i talk about money for a living and i really tell everyone to be open and you know live their lives in a certain way i think that it's a lot harder to walk the walk than it is to talk the talk and this has been a good practice for me to walk the walk and you know i've been able to walk the walk you know it's not always easy like money is something that can feel really emotional and weighted and the best thing that you can do is try and just push against that and communicate anyways because hopefully the person that you're talking to doesn't see it that way and just wants to get on the same page with you and that's definitely been the case in my situation and honestly it's been like a good mirror like who needs therapy you just move in with your partner and then you'll just get to meet your like inner child and realize that she secretly wants to be a trad wife and you'll have to put her to rest so sorry little hayley we are girl bossing to the sun okay let me know in the comments if you have any move-in questions questions, comments, concerns. We usually respond to them. We'd love to hear from you. And yes, please do not forget to rate, review, and subscribe. Like I said, we're trying to make so many seasons of the show, and that's really what helps us keep doing this. You know what it is. We are businesswomen. And most importantly, don't forget to stay rich. On my podcast, Nothing Much Happens, I tell cozy, calming stories where nothing dramatic ever happens. Just soft narration, sensory detail, and gentle repetition designed to lull you to sleep. There's no plot to follow, nothing to figure out. Just peace. Listen to Nothing Much Happens. wherever you get your podcasts.