The Fake Fiancé

The following program contains names, places, and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only, and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support. Well, that's right, you're in Connecticut. Connecticut. What are you doing there? Hanging out at a lake. So fun. My life is hard. I'm very grateful for this podcast because it has definitely allowed us to be remote and travel and spend time with Ryan or spend time at a lake or come see you guys at shows. So thank you for all your support. I love getting to do this. We love it so much. We're so thankful for you guys. We're so grateful for our audience and for our Patreoners, everybody who supports us, everybody who supports us. Everybody who shares their story and helps to inspire, encourage someone else or even save somebody else's life or give them hope. So thank you guys so much. We love you. Well, this guest, Steph is her name. You guys found her. She posted her story and a lot of comments said dating detectives and she was very sweet to say that she listened to the show and liked it and wanted to share. So we love that because that means she felt comfortable with us. Which was really cool. Thank you guys. Yeah. You are the best. And this story. This story is just, it's juicy. It's truly juicy. And I want to hear all your thoughts. I also am sure that people have had similar experiences in some way. Once you hear it, you'll hear what I mean. So tell us on Patreon. If you're a Patreon subscriber, we love to talk about it. $5 a month or $9 a month for no ads, but either tier gets you bonus episodes. And also anywhere on social media, Dating Detectives podcast, we want to talk about this story with you. Yes. And please email us your own story anytime. [email protected]. We appreciate all your submissions and again for sharing us with other people so they can submit their story too. Shall we get it? Let's get into it. Yeah. Let's give it a step. Hi Steph. We're so glad you're here. Hi. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Hi Steph. Hi Steph. Hi. You have the floor whenever you're ready. Okay. Awesome. So my story starts in 2022. I was 38 living in Los Angeles. I had been single for a while, you know, past relationships, but I had kind of healed from those and I was, I felt like I was ready to be with someone. I knew I always wanted to start a family. And professionally I was doing really well, financially independent. I had spent a decade in New York working in finance and kind of establishing myself. And then I moved into a FinOps and PeopleOps role at a tech startup. So I was working remotely for a tech startup from LA. And that is when I met Logan and I actually interviewed and hired him the year prior. So in 2021. And it was completely professional. There wasn't any flirtation at first. We had overlapped a little bit working remotely, developed a working relationship, but we didn't have a ton of crossover. But you hired him. You were like. I hired him though. Technically his boss? Were you his boss? No, no. I, he did not report to me. We were essentially equals. I hired him for a specific job and we at that point hadn't met. In person. So we just kind of developed a friendly rapport working remotely. So then we finally met in person a few times. We had to go to San Francisco for leadership meetings. So we got to finally meet in person and I wouldn't say it was a flirtation, but I think we just felt like friendlier and it was nice to like meet in person. I was just like, oh, he's, he's handsome and he seems cool. But that was the extent of it. And then when we really got to know each other, I planned a company retreat. It was on an Island. It was like very tropical and fun. So we both arrive at this resort a day early to set things up for the rest of the company. But there were a bunch of snafus. There were boxes that were supposed to have arrived that we couldn't find, and it was just a whole collection. It was just a calamity of errors. So essentially we were with each other all day and all night troubleshooting these issues. And so all day, all night, we're just talking and talking and talking. And I felt like we really got to know each other. We were talking about our past and our families and our past relationships. And it felt like we just bonded over that, but it was never romantic. We kept it really professional, but it felt like there was a little bit. Of like a vibe. So do you want to share anything that he told you about himself at this point? I mean, I knew about his ex-girlfriend. I knew that he wasn't fully settled in one place that he spent his time in Colorado and New York and traveled around a little bit. And with a remote job, you can do that. So I learned a lot about him. I learned about like where he grew up, seemed like we had similar family values. It was very innocent, but at one point, while we were at this retreat, we had a free afternoon. And so we borrowed a coworker's rental car and we explored outside of the resort a little bit and we got ice cream and it was, it was a cash only place and he didn't have cash on him. So I paid for the ice cream. And then towards the end of the trip, I think he had left me an envelope with the front desk. He had left me an envelope to me. And when I opened it up, it had the $20 bill to pay me back for the ice cream. And it had a note in it. And the note was complimenting me on how well I planned and executed the retreat. And it was really, really sweet. That's very nice. I like that. It was like, it felt very gentlemanly, like, like it was, it was really sweet. But still professional, nothing crazy. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, so we left this retreat. We were like, okay, we just, we bonded. We have more of a rapport now. We have a friendship. And then he seemed really sweet and really warm. And he also, he was like a bit shy and like on the quiet side until you got to know him. And he was very handsome. He was charming, but not in an unsettling way. Like he seemed very genuine and very humble. So my guard was down. I thought like, wow, I know this person I've worked with him for a while now, and now I feel like I know him even better. So at that point, we got back from the trip and we started texting and that's when things got more flirtatious. And it felt like being a teenager again or early 20 something where you're like texting nonstop and you're learning all about each other and you're sharing your hopes and dreams for the future and what you want for your lives. And it felt like there was just so much overlap, like he was very agreeable to things that I would say. Now I might see that as a red flag, but at the time, like it just, it felt very, very genuine. So I felt like, okay, this is awesome. And so he booked a flight to come visit me in LA. And that was the first time we spent time together outside of work. And he got a hotel room. He was the gentleman about it. You know, he didn't assume that he was staying with me, but we finally kissed for the first time. And it just, it felt so comfortable and it felt like I had known him for years. It felt very natural. And so once we connected romantically, he was really affectionate and he seemed extremely generous. You know, he was always like taking me out for meals and we went shopping on Abbot Kinney once and he tried to pay for this jacket that I was going to buy and I wouldn't let him. I felt weird about it, but he offered. And so I thought that was sweet. And he overall, treated me really well. It just felt right. And I felt really comfortable. He almost like felt like a protector and like, okay, I finally met a great guy because after dating in LA, being on dating apps and stuff like that was really brutal. So I was like, okay, this feels very refreshing. And even just knowing he has a job, like you definitely know he has a job because you work with him. Yes. That's definitely something we can't always assume in LA. Yes. And not only that, I knew his salary and I knew that we were making the same exact salary. So. thought we were coming into this as equals and if nothing else we had the same salary and he had a job and I knew where he worked so it felt like this is something worth exploring and pursuing and we kept talking and he would spend a lot of time in LA and that summer so this trip where we really bonded was towards the beginning of the year and that summer he stayed with me a lot in LA and we also took a bunch of road trips together we drove up to northern California and stayed that's how you really get to know someone is on a road trip yeah and we traveled so well together it was just it was me him and my dog and we just had so much fun like we we went up and stayed with his aunt and uncle in Berkeley I met his cousins and they were so lovely you guys if you're a woman who's already thinking about privacy concerns and security and safety it's so easy for people to say oh you're being paranoid or you're being dramatic I've been called dramatic my whole life but you're actually not 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w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com so Colorado was a place where he had spent a lot of time initially it sounded like he had another apartment there but then he was telling me how he had actually bought some land and he was talking about building on this land and eventually settling down there so he really wanted me to see this land outside of Denver so we took a road trip through Nevada through Utah through Colorado how pretty and it was gorgeous we had my dog with us and it was like heaven we had so much fun and we got along so well and so I was like this is amazing and then we also we met each other's families we met each other's friends I stayed with his parents his mom and dad for a weekend and they were also very lovely and I really felt like I know this guy so once we started dating more seriously the relationship progressed pretty quickly but we were both in our late 30s and we both knew that we wanted marriage and children and a family and you know I wasn't getting any younger I my biological clock was ticking you know and so loud so yeah and I thought I found the right person so why slow things down when it feels right and we really seemed like we were on the same page and we were equals and so things moved quickly and then we told our company that we were together so everything was above board we didn't have to hide anything they were okay like there was no yeah so we didn't overlap so we didn't report to each other we were on the same level we were both part of leadership at the company so it was kosher so eventually as things progressed we started talking about the future and we started talking about marriage and timeline and we thought listen if we're really serious about this and we want to start a family maybe we should really consider getting married before the end of the year or by the end of the year early into the next year just you know we will have dated for like close to a year and you know we and we like each other we love each other and it felt like we knew each other and you know we had met each other as friends and family we're grown-ups we're you know right late 30s so we started looking at engagement rings and I found my dream jeweler in LA they specialized in vintage diamonds I always knew so my mom was an antiques dealer growing up and like cool so you kind of know a thing or two yeah and vintage diamonds are conflict-free and they have a lot of character because they were hand-cut and they're more affordable and so the idea of that always was exciting to me so we found this incredible jeweler and we talked about you know what he could afford and mind you we were making the same salary so I I thought I knew where he was coming from but I I was like you know please are you sure that you can afford this and I was like yeah I'm gonna buy it I'm gonna buy it I'm gonna buy it I'm gonna buy it and he was like yes yes yes and so we picked out this diamond a vintage diamond and the whole process is supposed to take 12 weeks so we designed the setting and in order for them to start working on it they required a 50 deposit and when they inspected the diamond there was a little chip on the table of the diamond so that's like the flat surface on the top and so they agreed to polish it for us to get rid of that little chip but in order to start working on the ring they required this 50 deposit so he told me that he wired the deposit and that we were good to go and then the jeweler sent the diamond out to be polished and we went back after it was polished and it was it was beautiful and I thought like okay the process has started this ring is going to be coming in 12 weeks and then it'll be up to him to decide what to do with it and so I he wanted to keep me out of it because he wanted to surprise me the only part that I was still supposed to be involved with was they cast a silver model of the setting before they cast it in gold and so that you can just try it on make sure it's the right size make sure you like it and that it fits and so I was supposed to try on the silver but everything else he wanted to take care of so I was supposed to try on the silver but everything else he wanted to take care of so while we were shopping for this ring the sales person that sold us the ring I ended up becoming very friendly with so we had a lot in common she was actually getting married the following spring and we were both from the east coast we both moved to LA from New York and we just chatted it up oh you became friends we became friends and so we went hiking we went out to dinner and we actually had dinner with her fiancee and we were like oh my god I'm so excited to be here and she was like oh my god I'm so excited to be here and she was like oh my god I'm so excited to be here and she was like and Logan so everything just felt like it was falling into place the only boundary that she had was that she needed to maintain a client salesperson relationship with Logan because he was the one paying for the ring so you know we could not talk about that but as far as I knew everything was progressing so while the ring is being made he gives me a small placeholder ring which was very very sweet it was a really tiny vintage diamond hip. And it was from a designer that I really like. So it was very sweet. So I had a little tiny ring on my finger, but I really wanted him to wait to propose to me until my ring was ready. But also we kind of wanted to get things going with the wedding planning. And so we start wedding planning because like I said, we wanted to get married quickly so that we could just move on with our lives. But we knew we wanted marriage before trying to start a family. So we start looking around at venues and I find this bed and breakfast a block from Venice Beach. It was this old, really large craftsman that was covered in ivy and had a beautiful yard where we could, you know, have our ceremony and reception. How pretty! Yeah. And it wasn't technically a venue, but they allowed. They allowed us to rent it out, like the whole thing. And so a few of us could stay there and we would just plan this really beautiful weekend. And then we realized that I think it was a Saturday in December. It was, the date was December 3rd, 2022. And so we were like, oh, one, two, three. And then that became our little slogan for the wedding. Like easy as one, two, three. We're like, okay, that's our date. And so we were like set. Yeah. We were like set on that date. And we thought, oh, this is great. Like I, my birthday is in January. I'm still going to be 38 when we get married. And, you know, it just, it all felt like, like it was right timing wise. And in order to secure the venue, we had to put down a deposit and Logan and I created a spreadsheet. We put in everything that we thought we would need and roughly how much it would be. And we agreed to split everything 50 50. So I had thought that he put down this huge chunk of money on the engagement ring. And so I was like, you know what? I will put down deposits for the venue and some of the vendors just to secure our date. And Logan had agreed to when he went back to New York. So he was, he was in LA when all of this was happening and he maintained an apartment in New York and his checkbook was in New York. And my bank was also on the East coast. So he said, next time he goes back to New York, he's going to deposit a check for $10,000 into my checking account. And then he also connected his paycheck. Part of it, he connected like part of his direct deposit to my checking account to slowly pay me back. For his half of all the wedding stuff. So I started to get part of his paycheck, but I was waiting for this $10,000. So from the start, I had been asking for complete financial transparency. I told him it was important for me before I married someone to make sure that I knew where they were coming from, because my parents were very irresponsible with money growing up. And it was to the point where we were like, oh, I'm going to have to do this. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to have to do this. We lost everything when I was really young. And I was always aware of having to support myself. Like I started working when I was 14. And that's why I spent 10 years in finance, paying off my college debt and trying to build a little safety net for myself because I knew I didn't have anyone else to rely on. And I had like, I had financial trauma. So it was very important for me to have that security and stability for myself. So there was no way that I was going to compromise that. Like he knew from the start that I wanted to be very transparent and see everything because, you know, like when you tie yourself to someone through marriage, you're tying yourself to them legally and financially and everything's intertwined. Yeah, their problems become your problems. Exactly. So yeah, so I never gave him access to anything. But he was just like designating part of his paycheck to go to my account through direct deposit. But then he finally goes back to New York. And I'm like, okay, where's the money? And he's like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't And he had every excuse in the book, like he kept delaying. So first, he was too busy with work, he couldn't get to the bank. Then he told me that he was really sick. And this is really gross. But he actually sent me a photo of what looked like vomit in the toilet. And I don't know if it was fake, or if he was actually making himself sick over this $10,000. But then I was like, hello, what's going on? And so I was putting some pressure on him because, you know, I needed honesty and transparency. And I felt like what's going on? You told me we were good. This isn't making sense. And so then he told me that he did go to the bank, and that he deposited the check. And he received a receipt. But somehow he lost the receipt. And meanwhile, I'm checking my account. And I'm like, Logan, there's no pending deposit on my account. And I know how banks work. And this is, you know, 2022. If you go to the bank, and you get a receipt, there is a digital record of that deposit. And so he was trying to say that the bank lost his check. And at that point, I knew he was lying. I just I knew my spidey senses, my femme tuition, all those things were everything. Red flag, red flag. Yeah, but I didn't know why he was lying. Like I just I knew he was lying. And I kept calling him out on it. And he just would not admit it. And so at that, that was the first red flag that I was like, Oh, my God, this person is lying to me about this. I don't know why. And there's a lot riding on, you know, I've put down all these deposits. I'm waiting for this ring. So far, I've paid for everything. And I just I have to wait the rest of the 12 weeks to see if this ring is coming through. It just everything was like, Oh, my God, at that point, I started getting nervous. Did you call and check on the ring? Just like, let me see. Can you do? No, I wasn't able to do that. So it was a surprise. Yeah. And also, I wasn't the client. Like I wasn't the the person paying for it. So they couldn't tell me anything. But, but I was led to believe that we were good. Because why would they polish the diamond before they received the 50%? I was confused. And I just I got really nervous because I was like, Oh, God, what? What if he's lying about other things? Like once you catch someone in a lie? Yes. And you don't know. Are they lying about? Yeah, like, you don't know what's real and what's not. And so at that point, I had already paid all the deposits. I had signed contracts, friends and family had been notified, like people had bought flights, bridesmaids had bought dresses. And so at that point, I was like, Okay, well, my only choice was to wait and see what what would happen. He was just like, hope for the best. Exactly. And everything else seemed okay. Everything else was still kosher. But he was lying about this $10,000. And I just didn't know why. And it was like, just gnawing at me. So after that happened, I started to really get on him to show me everything. I showed him my financials, I was very transparent. I told him, we're gonna be legally married to each other, which means our finances will be intertwined. And I need to understand what I'm walking into. And he just kept stalling. And he had every excuse under the sun. And honestly, he just seemed so disorganized. And he seemed financially illiterate. So he was telling me he was locked out of an account. And then he opened a new account. But the the card went to a different address. And then he started talking about his distrust for banks. And I knew that he had this crazy uncle who I had never met, but had like, didn't believe in it was like this. I don't know. Anyway, so he was like telling me about how he didn't trust banks. And he didn't feel comfortable yet sharing that with me. He was also telling me that he had money tied up in equity and different projects that he was invested in. He painted this picture of this whole world where he was involved in all these things. And I had no reason to not believe him. So it just kind of went unresolved. And the $10,000 had come up again in different ways, but I still haven't received it. But I was getting money from his paycheck. So he was contributing something towards all of these deposits that I had paid, and all this money I had laid out. So he had all these excuses. But that was really still the only major red flag. Like we were still having a lot of fun together. We were in communication constantly. And we were busy wedding planning. So my lovely aunt who helped raise me she was like a second mom to me really wanted to throw me this bridal shower back on the East coast where all of the women in my family and all of the friends that I grew up with, everyone is back East. So she really wants to plan this bridal shower. And I did not want to have a bridal shower until we were actually engaged and he had proposed and I had the ring. So she set the date for the bridal shower two months before the wedding, because that's when the ring would have been ready. And so it was strategic that it was going to be that weekend. So the shower was supposed to be in October and Logan and I both had plane tickets to go back for the shower. And as the date of the shower was getting closer and I hadn't been proposed to yet, I started to get more and more nervous. And then I had this bracelet that belonged to my late grandmother and it was a vintage piece. So I took it to the jeweler to see if they could restore it for me. And while I was there, I mentioned something about the silver being ready and like, Oh, Logan said, I'll get the silver next week and I'll be able to try it. Like whatever it was, I tipped her off to know that I didn't know that the ring was ready. And I was like, Oh, I didn't know that the ring was ready. And I was like, Oh, I didn't know that the ring wasn't coming from her. So at that point in time, she said to me, Steph, I have loved getting to know you and I want to continue our friendship, but can we just put things on hold until you're engaged? I don't want to ruin any surprise that Logan has planned for you. And so I went back to Logan and I was like- Exactly. Exactly. And she thought- She doesn't know. And she was like kind of annoyed because we went out to dinner with her and her fiance and we became friends. Right. And so she was tipped off that I didn't know. And so she assumed that he was getting it from somewhere else and didn't have the heart to tell her, but they still needed to maintain that professional relationship because it's her job and she was a professional. And so she asked to put our friendship on hold until I was engaged. And so I took that to be like, okay, she knows what's happening and he is- She can't say anything. Exactly. But she had no idea. She was just as wooed by him as everyone else was. She thought he seemed so genuine. So she really thought that the ring was just coming from somewhere else. And she felt bad about it. Yeah. And it's an awkward situation. But she- She's getting dogfished too. Yeah, exactly. She took herself out of the equation and she was like, please, can we continue our friendship once you're engaged? So I went back to Logan and I was like, the salesperson kind of just broke up with me as a friend. And he was like, I asked her to do that because I was afraid that you were going to ask questions and I didn't want you to ruin the surprise. Interesting. Yeah. So I was like, okay, well, sure. I'm just going to wait for this proposal. Then we get to the week before the bridal shower. So we are supposed to fly home on Friday, I believe. And the shower was scheduled for that Sunday and we work together. So Logan has access to my calendar. So he sent me a bunch of placeholders on my calendar. Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, okay. And so I would make sure my hair looked good and I had makeup on and I was like wearing a cute outfit. And two days in a row, he psyched me out. He first, he like took me out to lunch and I'm looking around and I was nervous because we had hired a photographer and videographer that I paid the deposit for. And we had built in a proposal shoot, like an engagement shoot into our package. So I knew that they were going to be part of the proposal, but I didn't know what he was going to do. And the first time he psyched me out, he took me out to lunch and mind you, he didn't have a car in LA. So everything we did, we drove my car. And so he took me out to lunch and I was like, okay, I'm going to go to lunch. So he's driving me in my car and taking me to this taco place and we get food. And I was so nervous. I thought, oh my God, a camera's going to jump out at any moment. And I was like looking around and you're like waiting. Yeah, I was waiting and I was really nervous and nothing happened. And then the next day he does it again. And he takes me to this beautiful park in LA with an overlook and we get out of the car and we're walking around and I'm like, what are we doing? There's nothing here. Like what? Here we go. This is my time. And I was like, oh my God, are you fucking kidding me? So then there was one more placeholder. And I think that was like Monday and Tuesday. And then now we're at Wednesday. And the third time he did this at that point, I was over it. And- Yeah. And I knew he was lying to me and I just didn't think this was happening. So I didn't get dressed up. I was just like wearing workout clothes and I just didn't care anymore. And then he drives me to, I don't know if you're familiar with Silver Lake, but there is a famous staircase with hearts going up and down it. Oh yeah. It's cute. It's like outside. Yep. It's right off of Sunset, right across the street from an Alfred Coffee. And so he parks on Sunset and I have a panic attack. I start crying and I was like, I can't believe you're doing this to me. We're supposed to fly home in a couple of days and I have to face everyone. And he was also extremely moody. And this is a person who was very mild mannered and very sweet and warm. And you could tell he was stressed and he was snappy and not acting like himself. Cause his lie was about to catch up to him or it was. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So I was like really stressed out and I just had a, I had a panic attack in the car and I was like, I can't believe you're doing this to me. And then he made a comment. Well, I don't understand why we need to even do this. Don't you want to marry me for me? Or do you just want to marry me for an engagement ring? Like it was just, he made this comment and I was just, I had had it. I was like livid. I was all snotty and I was just like, fuck this. And then he was like, Steph, the ring's in my pocket. The ring's in my pocket. Like you're, don't worry. Like it's, you're fine. Like, please, can you just take a walk with me? And then I felt like shit. I felt horrible because I was like, oh my God, I'm ruining his surprise. What's wrong with me? Like, I can't just go with the flow, you know? So I was like beating myself up because he's like, he's like, I have the ring. I have the ring. Like, like calm down. So I'm like, oh, okay, fine. So I cleaned myself up. And it was a really, really hot day. And so he's like, just take a walk with me. So we walk up the stairs and I'm like, cool. Now what? And as we're coming down, he pretends to hurt his knee and he had played basketball and he had a previous knee injury. So he's like, oh, and he bends down and I'm like, oh my God, are you okay? Because I know that he's had knee surgery and I was worried about it. But it was like a stall tactic. And so I turn around and the videographer and photographer that I had paid the deposit for jumped out. He gets down on one knee. He pulls the box out of his pocket, opens it up. And it is this little emerald ring. Stop. Not what? Not my ring. Not your ring. But I was a deer in headlights because I had, a camera and a video camera in my face recording me. And I was stunned. So what he said to me, he asked me to marry him and he said, don't worry, your ring's still coming. This was my grandmother's ring. It's a family heirloom. I had to fight my parents for it, but I wanted you to have it. And we're going to get your ring. I just owe a little bit of money on it. And I didn't feel comfortable approving the final design. I didn't feel comfortable approving the final design. I didn't feel comfortable approving the final design without you. And I'm just like, what the fuck? Like I just planned an entire wedding. He had one job. You had one job. And now I'm like, oh, you're waiting for me to finish my surprise. Cool. Cool. Cool. And mind you, I told you my mom was an antiques dealer for many years and she specialized in antique jewelry. You knew good and damn well that was a Cracker Jack ring. I knew that was not a vintage ring. But again, I'm a deer in headlights. I don't want to be ungrateful. He's telling me a story that sounds like it could be plausible. He went every step as far as to say, you know, my grandmother must have had really tiny fingers because I had to get it sized and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just knew in the pit of my stomach, but we had built in this engagement photo shoot into our photography and videography package. So we proceeded to do a whole photo shoot and Logan looked like he was going to vomit. Okay. It was hot as hell. It was so awkward. I was so uncomfortable and it did not feel right. It did not feel right at all. And then later that night we went to one of our favorite restaurants and it did not feel like I was engaged. He was so off. He didn't seem happy. It did not feel right. And I remember talking to my aunt and I was like, it doesn't even feel like I'm engaged. This is weird. So basically what he said was, I owe a little bit more on the ring and I don't want you to reach back out to the salesperson. Let me pay for it. I don't want you to be involved yet. Let me take care of it. And then I'll pay it off and you can work out the details with her. And I was like, damn it. We waited this long because of this ring. And then I was like, I don't want to wait this long because of this ring. And then I didn't want to wait this long because of this ring. And now we're supposed to fly home for my shower. Like I don't want to show up to my shower without my engagement ring. So I was essentially just waiting until I had a moment alone to call the salesperson. Good. So that whole night was so painful. And then the day that we were about to fly home, we were just kind of rushing to get work done and I hadn't packed yet and I was all stressed out. And so he took my car to run errands. And while he was out running the errands, I took that opportunity to call the salesperson. And so I call her at the store. And I'm like, Hey, it's Steph. Logan proposed to me, but he gave me this family heirloom and said that he owes a little bit more on the ring. Can you just tell me what the balance is? I'll just take care of it. I just want to get it over with. Like I felt like this was one more task on my to-do list for wedding planning that I was just like, whatever it is, it just needs to get done. So she tells me, okay, congratulations. And she's like, hold on a minute. And she pulls up our account in her computer and she's like, Steph, Logan put down $2,000 back in July and then kind of ghosted us. And she was like, I'm so sorry. I thought the ring was coming from somewhere else and that he just didn't have the heart to tell me. She was like, you know, it wasn't even enough of a deposit to hold the diamond. She's like, we ended up putting the diamond in another ring and it sold. Oh my God. She's like, I'm so sorry. And I was like, oh, okay. Thank you. Thank you for telling me. Fuck. So I hung up the phone. Were you sad about the ring at that point or mad at him? No, no. I was so mad at him because he's been lying. Because now he's lied. Yeah. This was major, major lies. Yeah, that's a big deal. He's been stringing you along. Exactly. And he had me put down all these deposits. I spent over $20,000 preparing for this wedding. And he knows about my childhood trauma surrounding money and that I'm very type A and very diligent. And I now know that he has lied about the ring. It does not exist. And I know that I can't marry this person and I have to call it off. But, but I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt and I want to get to the bottom of it. So I hear the garage door open. So he's coming back from running errands and he was going to just meet me at the back door and hand me something and then go back out. So I muster all of my strength and I just, I go to the take your shoes off and come inside. I need to talk to you about something. And I basically sit him down and I just said, I found out that you lied to me about something really major and I need you to come clean. Otherwise I have to call all of this off. And he says, you found out I was married before? Oh, oh, wait. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. He didn't tell you. He said girlfriend. No. So it gets better. My jaw was literally on the floor. I was like, oh, well, that's not the lie that I was talking about, but oh, you were married before. Okay. You could have told me that. So at that point I was like, well, are you still married? Are you divorced? So here's a little tidbit that happened early on. I managed payroll and benefits for the company. And I knew about his ex-girlfriend and I saw she had his benefits on our payroll and benefits system. And I called him out on it and he immediately removed her. And he said, oh, she lost her job during the pandemic. And I just felt bad for her. So I lied and I added her as my spouse, but we were never married and she did have a different last name. And so I thought that was strange, but at the same time, we use a PEO company, a professional employer organization that groups small companies together for benefits. And I was like, oh, well, I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. So there wasn't really anyone checking, you know, if the spouse is really the spouse or not. So I was like, okay, that makes sense. And he seemed like a very generous person and always wanted to help people. So that really wasn't a red flag until later than it made sense. So then I basically was like, listen, we're supposed to fly home from my bridal shower. Everyone has bought plane tickets. Everything is in the works. Are you fucking kidding me? Like, where is all your money? I was livid. But at that point I went into detective mode and there were no more excuses. I was like, you need to show me everything right now, or I'm calling this off. I need to see proof that you're divorced and I need to see all your financials. And so he's like, okay, I need to make a phone call. And I was like, oh, are you going to call your lawyer so that you can show me divorce paperwork? And he goes outside and he comes back in and he's like, oh, I need to make a phone call. He has a bank representative on the phone. And I was like, it's like his friend that's in drama school. So no, it was actually a random bank representative because he told me that he had this checking account that had $7,000 in it and that he lost access to the online portal. And they sent him a new card so he could get back into it, but they sent it to his parents address. And it snowballed of lies. And so he comes back in with this bank representative on speakerphone. And I said, ma'am, can you just tell me the balance on the account? And she says, sir, do I have your permission to share that information? He says, yes, $25. It seemed like the free $25 promotion you get to open an account or something. I was like, $25. Okay. Where is your paycheck going? Six figure salary. Where is your paycheck? You have to have another account. And I also asked to see his credit score. And I was like, if you know your social security number, you can get into credit karma. So show it to me right now, because there's no way in hell you're in your late thirties and you don't know your social security number. Yeah. So he logs into his credit karma and it is low. Like I don't remember exactly, but it is low. It is like horrendous. And I see that he has a collection on there. It was a $500 utility bill that he just never paid. What? So yeah. How irresponsible, like, you know, that's there and you just leave it. Like you could definitely afford to pay off a $500 utility bill. Yeah. So that was in collection. So he had essentially no credit. And then I asked him, like, I'm like, you have to have another account. Where is your money? And so he opens up his chime account. And if you're familiar with chime, apparently it's a banking platform where it helps you build credit if you don't have credit. So it's almost like a debit card. You have to load money into it. It's like a secured credit card. Then you, yeah. Yeah. So he had this chime account and I was like, great, let me see it. So he opens, he logs in and I see a $250 line item for a pawn shop slash like jeweler that's in the town next to us. And I'm like, Oh, is that where, um, is that where this ring came from? And he's like, no, that was a family heirloom. That was my grandmother's. Like he was sticking to the lie. So then what is that? I was like, I know this is not an antique ring. So what is this? And he said, Oh, well, I went there to have it sized and polished. Well, first of all, it doesn't cost $250 to have a little ring size, maybe like $50 max. And second of all, you don't take a family heirloom. You don't take a family heirloom. You don't take a heirloom to a pawn shop jeweler. Yeah, no. So I'm like, Oh, okay. Well I Google the pawn shop and I'm like, look, they're open. So I called them in front of him. I felt like he is not going to come clean unless I prove his lies to his face. And by the way, there was a balance of like $38. Yeah, I was gonna ask. Okay, yeah. So I'm still at a loss where all of his money went. But anyway, I called the pawn shop and I described the ring. And they say, Oh, yeah, we made that. And I was like, is it even gold? Because it's $250. And they're like, yeah, it's 18 karat gold. But since we made it in house, we don't have to stamp it. But if you bring it back in, we can stamp it for you. And I was like, No, I'm good. Thank you. I'm a broken record about how finances are so important for independence in a relationship. And I was thinking about how I learned about finances growing up. And one thing that I remember is hearing the phrase, we'll figure it out. My family, people I knew, it was just like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. You know what, somehow you figure it out. And I didn't like that. That to me was scary. And I as I got older was like, how can I avoid just saying we'll figure it out? And how can I actually figure it out ahead of time? I use an app called Monarch. And it's so helpful. Because most apps only tell you what you've already spent. But Monarch helps you set goals and map out a big purchase or see if you're actually on track before it's too late to adjust. So you don't just have to be like, you know what, let's just do it. We'll figure it out later. You can actually be ahead of everything on top of everything and feel so much more secure. Monarch makes it so easy to hit money milestones and know what you need to know about your own financial situation. It's kind of taken the mental load off of tracking finances. It just makes it easy. And it gives you an AI weekly recap, flagging spending spikes, net worth shifts, and upcoming expenses. So you just have a heads up on what's going on with your money. In order is freedom. Write your own money story with Monarch. Use code dating at monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch core half off at just $50. That's 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code dating. Really quick, let's talk about sex. Yeah, we're going to talk about Aria. Because Aria is here and it wants you to have better sex with your partner. Aria is here to turn up the heat in your bedrooms. Aria is an intimacy membership for couples, bringing your work back with a personal intimacy concierge and curated products delivered each month. Here's how it works. You take a short quiz. It gives you an erotic persona, kind of fun. Mine said I was an adventurer. And then every month Aria sends you a new scene. It's like a curated themed sexy experience designed around the two of you. And what I like about it is that this gives you ideas, guidance, and answers questions that maybe you aren't comfortable bringing up, or maybe you just don't even know where to start. And whether you're trying to bring back spark or just make the relationship feel a little less predictable, Aria just helps you keep it fresh and keep you connected. Right now, Aria is offering our listeners $10 off your first month at getaria.com slash dating detectives. This offers only for our podcast listeners. So use our link to get this discount. Get Aria with a Y. Get A-R-Y-A dot com slash dating detectives for $10 off your first month. Get Aria with a Y. Get Aria with a Y. Get Aria with a Y. Get Aria with a Y. Get Aria with a Y. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they blamed me. They're like, you jumped into this so fast. You didn't know each other. It was really traumatic. And then while I was on the East Coast, I decided to go to his parents' house. I knew where they lived. I had stayed there before. And I just decided that I needed to get some answers. And so I went and I knocked on the door. It was the Sunday of my shower. And his mom went to church, but his dad was home. And he let me in. And we sat down. And we talked. And I got so much dirt. And I felt like, why the fuck did no one warn me? So I found out he had told me at one point that he had a graduate degree. And my company didn't do background checks. So I didn't know for sure. But his dad was like, Oh, no, he barely graduated from undergrad. And then I didn't get to see his mom. But we had a phone call that weekend. And I found out that he had lied about other things. And apparently, he had this crazy uncle who was also a pathological liar. And she was like, Oh, well, he must come from the same gene from the same call. Yeah, exactly. And I still don't know where all of his money was going. But his mom told me that he had totaled his ex-wife's money. His ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, wife, who knows? He had totaled her car. So that could have been where some of the money was going. I don't know if he actually owned land in Denver. So after all this came out, I had met one of his friends there who was invited to the wedding. And his friend told me, yeah, he borrowed my car and it came back with mud on it. And he said he was going to try to sell the land. And he was like driving all over Colorado. So I don't know what's real and what's not real. I've never seen proof of anything. Wait, did he take you to that Colorado land? I forgot. Oh, yeah, he did. Yeah, you saw. Oh, yeah. He took me to like a random. So did he just take you to a random patch of land and say everything the light touches is mine? Like he just lied about it? So it was an area that was a lot of farmland, but there were some homes and there was just a few undeveloped plots. And yeah, he took me to it. And we walked around and we took pictures. And he was actually talking to a co-worker before all of this transpired. I remember him talking to a co-worker who also lived in Colorado. And I think he had visited at some point. And they were talking about how he was going to develop the land and building like a shipping. What are they called? Like a freight container home on the land and different trees that he should plant. It was this very elaborate. If it's a lie, it was a very elaborate lie. And he was delusional, I guess. So one thing that his mom said to me, so he played basketball and she said he sees life like a basketball game. Like you can come back in the fourth quarter, but that's not how things really work. So I thought that was like a really interesting analogy. Yeah. Like I can fix it. Like I can pay. I can get this ring in time. So he's not necessarily. He's not necessarily malicious. He just believes that. Now I'm thinking like, oh, in a class, in school, it's like, I'll just get my grades up at the end of the year. And you're like, no. Yeah, exactly. Not how it works. Wow. So I don't know. Interesting that they were so willing to talk to you. I mean, I'm glad. Yeah. So there is one silver lining to this story. And I suspect that it may have been a similar situation with his ex. But he left part of his paycheck. Going into my checking account. I gave him a whole list of all the money that I lost. You know, like I had to. I paid for a wedding dress. I paid for vendors. I paid for bridesmaids gifts. I paid for all of these things. And I even charged him for therapy. Good. Good for you. I was so traumatized. I was like, you're going to pay for my therapy. So I made a whole spreadsheet of everything I lost. And he ultimately. He ultimately paid me back over a very long period of time. All right. But he kept working at your company? So he's still working with you? This is the interesting thing. So our company knew that we were supposed to get married. And then when all of this came out, we had to be cordial at work. And we really did keep it very professional. And since our roles didn't overlap much, we really didn't have any interaction. But I don't know if you've heard of it. I don't know if you've heard of it. I don't know if you're familiar with the Sam Bankman-Fried Ponzi scam. A dogfish scam for sure. But give people a rundown if you want to. So when that happened, when FTX or whatever it was collapsed, our tech startup was affected by that because we needed to raise capital. And that prevented us from raising capital. So essentially, this happened in October. And then in November, I found out that I had to pay for my therapy. And then in November, I found out that I had to lay off half the company and that I was going to be losing my job. And so, but he kept his job. And I believe he's still there. I believe he's been promoted and, you know, probably doing very well for himself. So the silver lining is that he paid me back. And so thank God he kept his job so that he could pay me back. But it felt like a huge gut punch that like, I lost my job. And he kept his job. And I think that he was very handsomely compensated for staying on. And he's been promoted and is. He's just failed upwards. All right. Yeah. Did he have any remorse? I feel like he did. And that's why he paid me back. But he also could not admit to why he lied and to where his money was going. And there's been speculations about. Drugs or gambling or something. I was thinking gambling. But I never saw him do anything but smoke pot. And I never saw him gamble. And we were together a lot, you know. So I actually wanted to know more because I'm me. So we had to obviously look this fella up and actually do a little, do a little sleuthing. And we found some information on him. And just to be clear, when there's. Any kind of background check conducted? I know a lot of people think a background check has all the answers. But please keep in mind, background checks are only factual records. This is not like a psychological evaluation of people or why they do what they do or why things are the way they are. Background check is simply records. It's facts. It's whatever can be proven. So what we know about Logan is that he's been sued twice by credit collections agencies. Now, he's been sued twice by credit collections agencies. So both times that he was sued were. The timeline was before she met him. But it does speak to a trend of money issues, which I also want to point out. A lot of financial information isn't necessarily readily available. That's a whole different ball of wax. So a lot of the financial issues regarding things like that are a little bit harder. But you can definitely see when there's a legal case. So in this case, if a financial institution sues someone for money, that becomes a legal case. So now it's not financial. Now it's legal. So that's why we're able to see stuff like that, even though we might not have any information outside of what's presented in the legal case. But either way, despite that, we still don't know where he's spending all of his money. But another thing that background checks provide is anything that associates to someone based on their email address, perhaps an IP address or a username that is common between an email address. So we did find a Polly Market and a CalSheet account attached to a known username of his. So it could be gambling. Those are Polly Market and CalSheet are betting sites where you can basically bet on anything. So who's going to win an election or what's Taylor Swift going to wear to the next event? Anything like that. When their gas price is going to drop, like you can literally bet on anything. So it could be anything. It could be gambling. Obviously, we can't know for sure. And to what you said about these random properties in Colorado, he doesn't own any property in Colorado. None. That doesn't surprise me. And he never has. But I think everybody is probably like, yeah, there are facts. Unless it's in someone else's name and he's just calling it his. He owns no property. So it seems like he probably just took her to some random plot of land because he's never owned property. Not in Colorado. And as far as I can tell, not. Anywhere. But definitely not in Colorado. Also, if he did get married and divorced, it was in a state that keeps marriage and divorce records confidential, like New York or Virginia. So New York State keeps all marriage and divorce records confidential for 50 years and Virginia keeps them confidential for 25 years. Oh, well, if he was. Did you say Virginia? It was in Virginia. Oh, God. That is so crazy. So if he was telling the truth, that's where they live together. So I would imagine. That's where they were legally married. And of course, it's the one place where we can't know for sure. Yeah. But the woman that he says that he married, she did. delete all of her social media and online presence after their relationship which is weird if you ask me yeah i noticed that i didn't remember her name and then i went back through old text messages and i found it and i looked her up and i couldn't find anything there was one article about her for the business that she's no longer at from 2021 so i she's running away from him maybe yeah i don't know i mean i was thinking that too i was like i wonder if she's hiding yeah man were you more brokenhearted or more angry or both like can you tell us how you were feeling after you found this out i'm certain it broke your heart because you love this person yeah i truly felt like a shell of myself i was embarrassed yep i was ashamed i was heartbroken he had become my best friend as one should who you're gonna marry yeah and so losing him and then losing my job a month later it was definitely a low point in my life i think it was definitely a wake-up call to put myself first and really be sure sure sure about some someone before i yeah you know made any financial commitments i mean he made you think that you didn't do anything wrong or like this is on him i want to ask you i'm in my early 30s and starting to definitely feel at what point does the clock tick and get louder and how do you know if something's right but i wonder if you wanting so badly to settle down with somebody did that allow you to look past some of these things but it really didn't feel like that as you were telling the story you were on top of stuff i really do feel like that like part of it was that i really wanted to believe him because i felt like i was ready for that but i really did think he was the person and until he lied about the 10k i had no idea like i really believed everything because i had no reason not to but i i will say what i've really learned from this is if someone is really genuine they're never gonna evade your questions they're never gonna gaslight you if you have concerns they're always gonna be open and honest and upfront and you should be able to ask them anything exactly case in point i met my now husband a little over a year after all of this happened we're happy to hear this so i was just shy of my 40th birthday when we met but i was very upfront with him about what had happened to me and so not only did i have that childhood trauma with money but then also with this whole experience with the fake proposal and calling off the wedding and so he knew from the start that this was a sensitive topic for me and my husband started his career as a professional and he was like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this signed with the band and so building a safety net wasn't his priority and so he was very open and honest and very upfront about his financial position and he had also been engaged before and he told me everything from the jump and at first i was like oh i don't know and we kind of went back and forth a little bit i like tried to break up with him once this was like very early on and he was like listen i just want you to be happy and if i'm not the right guy for you just be honest with me it's okay like he handled it so well that i was like so mature i expected him for that this is the kind of person that i want to be with he cares more about you than he does about his ego yeah he doesn't have an ego he's genuine and kind and sweet and that's that's why i married him and so we got married in joshua tree in june and it was so special it was so so special we just we complement each other so well and we've grown together and we encourage each other and i think the message that i just want to get out there and and and i've also heard this from people that i've given them hope but i just want to say it is never too late and it is worth waiting for the right person absolutely you know like it just it's but also you're not an idiot if you accidentally believe the wrong person or trust the wrong person like you but i just i hope that women have the confidence to call it out and just know that it's never too late to call something off yeah like it doesn't matter if you're about to walk down the aisle if it doesn't feel right you trust your gut and you can always yeah change what would you say to the person who maybe is listening and is like i've been unsure about going through with this but it will be so embarrassing it will be so much work to call off the wedding like you lived their nightmare and survived it so what would you tell them it's gonna be uncomfortable for a little while like the sooner you rip the band-aid off the sooner you'll get over it and honestly i didn't do it until i knew for sure i continued to give him the benefit of the doubt and i continued to wait and see but as soon as i knew for sure that's when i knew i couldn't go through with it because it would be to my detriment you have to be able to trust the person that you marry so that's a lot well i want to talk to you more about your research because i think it's so fun that we got to kind of verify or verify not verify things that he said i mean i don't think this guy was malicious i think he was a liar who didn't know how to not lie and then they got out of hand and he just maybe doesn't see beyond like right in front of him like what is going on in his brain yeah and i think his actions too tell me if you think if you agree but it's he's he just his actions were a little juvenile like he was very like oh i want to do this but then when it came down to actually doing the thing he just couldn't follow through and it was like and then he was like very ashamed of it and then he couldn't admit to it it's all just very juvenile like at least if some people that really mess up they take ownership of it and they you know they're like oh man hey so i really messed up so i you know i don't know i just don't i don't like it you know i love happy endings so i'm so happy she found somebody but i think it was i know me too telling yeah and so musician maybe didn't have as much of a career as she did and yeah it wasn't a deal breaker they were able to talk about it and he right talked about things he wanted to do better financially like you can have a conversation and say oh i can't afford that ring but i want to so maybe i put a plan in place for us to wait to get engaged or whatever like he just didn't communicate at all yeah he was more worried about impressing her in the moment without any thoughtfulness about how i'm gonna actually follow through with the crap i'm saying and even when he did propose he didn't do it the way she wanted to at all and that is obviously red flag i loved how she talked about waiting until it's really right but i really it definitely you know got me got me feeling a little i get it with the feeling of your biological clock of being in your 30s and starting to be like do i need to focus more on settling down do am i being too no yeah so there's society pressure right there's societal pressure then there's that that biological clock thing is real i remember when i was 28 and i was uh i had just gotten pregnant with ryan but i was 28 i was like oh gosh am i gonna get pregnant like i'm kind of getting up there and they're like when you hit 30 i think it becomes like they don't they call it like a geriatric pregnancy i'm 35 i'm pretty sure it's 35 so but still like that's it it's like holy crap and there is a little bit of pressure but also by that age most of the time we're pretty confident that we know what we want so i can see it being both like i could see it being a little bit of you know pressure but also a little bit of i'm ready like i don't care if i move fast i'm old enough now i know what i want so i get it that's the hard thing is that you can totally know what you want and move quickly and it can work great i think we always come back to the same thing that's where your femme tuition comes into play if he's down on one knee or whoever's down on one knee and you just don't know what you want you don't feel right yeah it's not too late and it's the worst thing ever you're gonna be like oh my gosh i'm gonna have to tell my family and friends and cancel this and lose money but it's not as bad as marrying the wrong person i don't think it's not as bad as marrying the wrong person absolutely but at the end of the day i feel like steph is a very well-rounded well-educated individual like she's again not a dumb girl none of our guests ever are but even she mentioned you but at the same time she knew what she wanted and he led her to believe that's what he could provide to her and so she had every reason to think that he would this is someone that she began to trust so yeah um so i was thinking last night after we recorded like i was just laughing at the fact that he showed her a plot of land that we don't know whose it is like he just picked it just random and was like here's my land like i'm still not over that and i know it was so crazy his lies were just so chaotic that it is confusing what if you're not necessarily dating a pathological liar but there is somebody in your life who has tendencies like that a family member or a co-worker or somebody that you can't easily avoid how do we deal with pathological liars do we just never trust them with anything and don't expect them to be accountable and just say hi and and keep it cordial like is it possible to stop lying like that no you're asking the wrong person i say don't ever trust anybody ever so it's just then you're covered on all bases it's just sad i want to hear what people think about pathological liars in a like it doesn't have to be a huge abusive level like i want to just hear about your like this guy didn't experience abusive i mean yeah financially perhaps because he used her money and life like livelihood but yeah for him it got too far and he didn't know how to reel it back in is what happened he went it's traumatic it was traumatic for her for sure and yeah so if you have called off a wedding or had an engagement from hell or found out somebody had lied about your engagement ring or anything engagement related wedding related we want to hear yeah and we've talked about the we talked about the momentum too like once that momentum is going yeah like how do you what do you do say okay change it and then you're like okay i'm gonna change it and then you're like change it and then you're like okay i'm gonna change it and then you're like okay i'm gonna change my mind and then she had to tell her whole entire bridal party and the guests and the family and they had flights and that's really embarrassing and so that's that's that that must have been so hard how do you stop once the momentum is going you can't stop have you ever been in a position where you've had to stop that momentum yeah and how and you know she survived and despite the people she mentioned saying things like you did this because you didn't recognize it soon enough so it's your fault that's a pretty good example of what not to say if somebody calls off a wedding they're obviously going through something hard yeah like it just i'm sorry that you wasted a plane ticket like obviously she didn't mean to like i don't know i just feel like a little bit more support was warranted but it just sucks i guess it's a bad situation all around but it could have been worse if we got her 20 years from now and she's like yeah we've been married and it's been horrible and then yeah and everything with him including all the financial burden i'm glad she's doing better and yeah she trusted her fem tuition at the end of the day we want all of your comments your thoughts your concerns your questions your good stories bad stories um you can send stories to our email investigate at the dating detectives podcast.com and also you can talk to us on patreon or social media yeah and send your support to steph anything you have to say in support uh we will make sure she gets that so thank you for the supportive words in advance absolutely um and yeah we love you have a good end of your summer as summer comes to a close oh my god it's already over for us ryan's already back in school yeah he's back in school well we love you and as always trust your tuition you