The End Is Here w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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Shafir driven uh-huh you can buy individual episodes you can buy the whole season but every comedian participates in the back and oh yeah they all get to pay though everybody gets paid you the first person to pay us on when you do a podcast you'd be like oh here's like 200 bucks and it's crazy you're people's reputation it's not a choice of your tale it's an uphill battle it is I always thought you'd be like you were on my show give me a dollar but you actually sure I don't know if you realize how offensive that impression of me is because I have a deep voice but it is I'll say this man um it came out fantastic it came out so good it's the concept that you came up with it was always so fun to do live yeah you guys all did them we all did the YouTube version yeah and one fun times and the Comedy Central version but this is like this is the final and form of this the final episode I was just remembering just right now is when we were shooting the like early early stuff on YouTube um this not happening yeah and we were doing some run-around scene and then I had to like pull my pants down to my boxers yeah and then you go and then there's all these extras in the front row of that strip club and you're like they're like all right one more time one last time and then you're just like dig out this time right and I was like oh yeah yeah of course that was my production card for those balls you have those crazy big balls yeah yeah did that like did you know you had like extra big balls like in high school yeah it reminds me of sort of Buck Rogers where some guy from another planet goes on my planet I'm a weakling and he bends a metal rod that's how that's how my people were all big both yeah Jews were the first big dick people it's a slur slur it's they do that to the oppressed is they they say they have big dicks and it's supposed to it was it was like that's like the first thing backfires big I know I I think it backfired I think people wanted big dicks but I think maybe back in the days they were like why got a lot of horse riding to do oh it's negative for you that's true I think having a I think having a big dick because most technists thing you can do why is that well like every every guy you like toxic masculinity brag about oh I got a big dick your dick's tiny fuck you piece of shit well why do you want a big dick right what what would the reason be to have a big dick oh I know a guy named Doug who I met him no to to hurt them with their penis please them oh no no no but you did but your dick can be too big sure and there's a guy Doug who was dating this girl that I knew in Tampa and I went out to LA he was so cool he was really fucking cool like he said to me I just met him he goes do you want to go to a clippers game and I went yeah and we went and he drove and drank and he was awesome and then it's a good sense and then he and then and then and then I said I love that guy and the girl was like I do two his dicks too big I don't enjoy sex with him and you're like oh fuck yeah can you imagine having that where you got to end up fucking a manatee just to have your dick fit inside him you ever see those girls like that you they're like walking into a Walmart and they're like seven two and they're and they're what and they don't look they're all crazy until you see the cars yeah she's like what's up plus eyes ladies they look good from far away then the closer you get like oh you're way close I mean it's what do you think is like what do you think is tall or big for a woman and then when you go that's freaky that's too much to to tall I'll tell you this over five four is like gross beat it beat it freak I dated a girl five ten yeah and I'm six foot and it was it I felt like I was fucking it dude that's cool yeah like it was like it was you could like man like land smaller I can like a man handler like you want to fucking throw something around yeah I got yeah yeah well you every now and then you want to feel like you're jerking off in someone you know like you just like I remember I I dated a girl who was five ten five eleven I didn't really think like oh my god this is crazy but then I met a team USA volleyball player who was six four and I was just like this is fucking and she was she was pretty oh yeah they always are she was really pretty but this is fun you dated no no I met her I met her all right now tell you that story I got a phone call one day I wanted to make this thing it's a way for other comics to show themselves oh that's right you you're not hosting your own show they did him dirty are you sick out of way to put it up somewhere else you thought about bringing it back all the time I need you're in Tom's help you guys ready for this okay it's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here shits about to go down look we're gonna talk Paul story telling show it's on true true stories word for word what happened my favorite please tell us the story my story is a love story it's about my first three some bad first day about ball football got arrested um shit in your pants what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck it's good oh that's my story now thanks about it just like it's funny uh shucks leave it up Mr. Tony here's my guy's the best hotel to give it to me give me all of that that would have been the all-time best story to tell on this show when it comes to running a business you've got to be able to meet the demands as it grows with shipstation everything you need to manage getting orders to where they need to go is all in one place between USPS UPS and FedEx the last thing you have time to do is find the best option for every order setting up time saving automations to comparing carrier rates shipstation takes the stress of finding the best prices printing the labels and setting tracking updates off your plate if you're bringing your own negotiated discounts and keep them along with your peace of mind over one million businesses have trusted shipstation including us the coolest thing I think by far is having an interface where you can see everything that's been ordered what statuses of it and which carrier is shipping it out you always know try shipstation free for 60 days with full access to all features no credit card needed go to shipstation dot com and use the word cave for 60 days for free 60 days gives you plenty of time to see exactly how much time and money you're saving on every shipment that's shipstation dot com the code word is cave shipstation dot com code word cave now we had we had a we had a I was supposed to be on the end you were we had a we had a really great we had a crazy story in and of itself which I wish I wish it and you made efforts to try to I actually multiple trips to New York to try to research or flew to New York a couple of times to to make it happen and it didn't happen dude you not being on there was the biggest there's a couple failures would be bringing back my show and that's one One of them, Diaz was having a major knee surgery the day of the shoot. - That's amazing. - And then Sean Patton couldn't get out of his contract. The three of you not being there killed me. - What, what did you, were you as surprised as I was at Tracy Morgan? - Yeah. - I mean, it was like-- - Well, do you got to tell people now 'cause you're just-- - It was one of the coolest experiences. I was one of the craziest wildest experiences I met up to. - There's a story we're not gonna go into that involves Tracy Morgan. - So you gotta set up that you were going to tell a story involving him. That's why we're saying-- - It's a private story about Tracy Morgan. - Yeah. - That I now have the permission to-- I mean, flat-out said, "You have my permission to tell that story." - Yeah, that's what I was hoping you would do. - And, but it was funny his recollection of it of the night we met. I had always, I mean, this is like the weirdest part. As I've always told the story, he pulled out a wreck of a joint, looked like a cat turd, and he hit it, and he handed it to me. And I hit it, and I was like, "Your weed tastes like shit," and he just goes, "I smoke blunts." - What? - Here's I smoke blunts. I don't smoke joints, I smoke blunts. And it dawned on me. I had never had a blunt before. And that was the confusion where he gave me a blunt for the first time in my life. I was 24 or five years old, and I hit a blunt. And I had never hit a blunt. And I was like, "This tastes different." He's like, "Oh, you never smoked showin' before? "Fucking with me." And then he started laughing. He was like recollecting, he was recollecting his side of the story, which was so fucking fascinating. - He was like, "Yeah, I was an off-handed joke." - I didn't know you were that much of a weakling for weed. - Yeah, and then he was like-- - Well, you really only hung out with white people at FSU then, huh? - Yeah. (laughing) - 'Cause I smoked so many blunts. - Really? - Where'd you go? - To a small school in North Carolina. But like, that was a-- Also, we were like, "What are the black guys doing?" - We should do that. - We should do that. - Yeah. Of course. - Of course. - We got done that day. - It was such a cool experience. - Hanging. - Tracey Morgan is like-- - I mean him. Dude, he was on Cloud 9. We got done. He was like, for-- - Oh, okay. - For a sit in there with him. Frosty tried to hook it up. Just like, let's bring you guys together. - Oh, let's step it back. - Let's step it back. - I get it. So, Ari says, "Will you tell your Tracey Morgan's story?" And I said, "The only way I'll tell is-- "Tell it." - That was disgusting. - Ari just killed in that and ate it. - Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. - I said to Ari, I said the only way I'll tell you. I could have gotten so much shit on the internet. - For the Tracey Morgan. - Yeah, because people were like, "Tracey said that never happens." And I was like, "Whatever, I'm not gonna fight it." - Yeah. - "Whatever Tracey wants to say is what Tracey wants to say." - Yeah. - And then Ari's like, "What if we can get Tracey to tell it with you?" And I was like, "I don't know how we can do that." And so, we, I think you got in touch with Frosty. I was just like, "I'm not in the industry." I wasn't even invited to ditty's after parties. - Yeah. - So, like, I'm not, I don't know. I'm just like, "Frosty, can you help?" - And so, if Frosty called me, and then one morning I'm laying in bed, and I get a FaceTime from Tracey Morgan. And he's like, "Oh, you have a story about me." And I was like, "And I sat up in bed." And I was like, "Yeah, I do. I do, Tracey. I'm a huge fan. I got to tell you, man." I'm like, you know, I'm like backtracking going like, he was like, "I like to hear that story. You fly to New York." And I was like, "Yeah." And he goes, "All right." Frosty says you're a good guy. Well, let's do this. So then, I call Ari and me, like, "I'm flying to New York." And we're meeting with Tracey tomorrow. And we fly in and Frosty's like, "That's me?" - Yeah. And so we go to C-A-A, which is the Chrysler building. So you're already like, "This is cool." You feel like you're moving a shaker. - Yeah. And the second, and Frosty got a Chick-fil-A. Like, and not just a little Chick-fil-A. Like, so mad. - He's like, "Let me butt in this guy up. I know what he likes." - And he's like, "And Ari and I are nervous." And the second Tracey walks in, he's like, "We're going to do a movie together." Like, he just, "No, no, no." - Exactly like that. - But like, you're missing for him. That's not it at all. - Yeah, yeah. - So then, we sit down and we don't do this film. - Yeah, and I'm just like, "Oh God." - So we sit in the conference room, and I started telling the story. As I got to tell you about the first time I met you. And I said, "You know, I was a young comic. I worked through I was good friends at all." - I was a young comic once. - I was a, I was, I loved Tony Woods. I loved Tony Woods, Tony Woods, my brother. Like, he just, he, he added so much to it that like, as we're listening, Ari and I are watching this. It's almost mad, and then you come walking down the street and he goes, he goes, "It was 1999. I just got an old son in a live, I wasn't even famous yet, but I could get in trouble." - Yeah. - Page six, they got me at Madamex. - And that's the boy we went to. - And you're like, "That's the one." - Yeah. He went to Madamex, he goes, "That was my spot." And he was just like, and he's eating as he's telling, and, and, and we are, and Ari and I are on the edge, and Ari is punching up my store, like, like, like, adding in, and then, you know what's great about this. And then, and then, and we just go back in the story. I was like, Tony introduced us, and then me and you go around the corner and we hit a blunt, and he was like, and we had a joint and he goes, "I smoke blood, just eat, but he's eating." - Yeah. - He's so Tracy, and then he just pivot, and he'd start telling another story. - About something else, about his fourth season in SNL, about some other thing, and you're like, "God, bring me back." - I have the thing you put your feet in, and the blast goes around your shoes. You don't have to mess my house up. Like, I mean, it's like, I mean, it is. So, we're sitting there like this. - Slippers. - We were literally our young comics all over again. - Yeah. - We are young comics. And, uh, this whole time, by the way, he is one hundred percent convinced that I am Burt's agent. - Oh, yeah. - One hundred percent. I didn't have the beard. I was dressed, maybe a polo shirt. The way he referred to me was so like, it was so clearly. - Yeah. - He's the Jew, and he's the time. - You brought your lawyer? - This time. - I remember one point he goes, he said something about, where did you do, I was just somewhere. Where were you? And I was like, uh, I was like, he was impressed. I was like, I was like, oh, I was like, uh, the State Farm Arena, whenever we went, oh, okay. And he goes, you on the road? He goes, yeah, I was in, where is that? - I was in the city first. He goes, where is that? - I was in Philadelphia. And he goes, where? And I was like the Prudential Center, whatever it's called. - Yeah, Wells Fargo. - Wells Fargo. And he goes, well, Fargo. I said, yeah, and, uh, I had, uh, DJ Jazzy Jeff come out and he goes, oh, and you can see he looks at Frost, and he's like, okay. - Okay. - And so then, and as we're telling the story, he's just chiming in, chiming in, and I get to the end and he says, that's how you get out of paying the check. I'm like, oh my god. We're like, this is exactly how we want to do it. - Yeah. - And he's like, I'm in. - I'm in. - First, he looks at me and goes, you have permission to tell that story from now on. That's your story. And I was like, great. And then I'm like, great. And then he goes, - Hey, do you think I go, but we would like you to tell it. And he goes, all right, let's do it. Frost, he set it up. And so we're like, great. And we're like, awesome. Me and him go to a bar. I don't think you were drinking. What am I, I think you were doing a sober stint. - Oh, maybe. - And we went to a bar and I just had a drink. I was bubbling. 'Cause I have this story. - Oh yeah, I might have done it. - But notoriously, people think I made up. Everyone thinks I made up. Then now I have the guy who, - You did it with. - Did it with cooperating. Me and Ari and him are, he's cooperating and telling me. - Yeah, but you were like, we went to this bar, and he's like, mount 'em X. He's like, yes, that's the one. - And he starts, I went there all the time. I know those ladies. I was on page six. - Yeah. - And so we get done the story, and I'm like, this is amazing. This is gonna be great because I've always wanted to say I didn't make that story up. But at the same time, it doesn't matter. It's like, I never wanted to bother Tracy. If he didn't want that story told, I wasn't gonna tell it. And I was like, this is great. And then Frosty calls. And I think maybe his other agent call, one of his other agents, like Tracy can't do it. He's, he's, because it was beautiful in the room. - Yeah, yeah. - But I don't think Tracy was like, "Oh, we're gonna do on stage." And I was, I'm, I had, I was just riffing. - To you. - Just to you. - Just did. - Yeah. - And then they were like, yeah, Tracy's busy. He's got a new show coming out. We, you know, we got a lot of stuff going on with him. And I was like, so deflated. And then Ori's like, just you tell it. But I was like, I'm gonna be in the same boat. I've always been with that story. - You're the same, too. - You tell the Phoebe and Tracy. - You're a different way. - Yeah, Tracy said you could tell it. And then people would just be like, "Can't believe he's telling that fucking story." - Right. - It never happened. - That sucks, 'cause that would have been awesome. - It would have been. - It would have been the one. - I wish. - Do you regret not doing it now? How you see him, why he's doing it? - No, because the way, like what you're saying though, with Tracy being there and being like, - That would have been cool. - That would have been very cool. That would have been very cool. - I could have done it with such little Tracy effort. If he had just come up and just gone, 'cause your impression would just be like, "Hey, you do this part, Tracy." - Yeah, yeah. - What would you have said? He would have just, he would have done the same thing that he did in that thing. He would have been like, all right. So then we went to that bar, do you remember? And then he would have been like, "You remember 1/25th when I used to go to the place "with the chicken thing?" And you'd be like, "Wait, we're talking about this story, right? "He just would have told us." - I would just have said it. - Not exactly. - The best part was, there are parts of that. So like in every story I tell those parts that are just so true that they don't really work, but I hold on to them because they're true. - Yeah. - And I said to him, I said to him, you know, and then I watched you go on stage. And you had this observational material and you were like all right, all right who members finger fucking by the handball Of course, and he smiled he goes I will pussy pop that bitch And he goes into the bit that I watched him do 25 years ago, and I'm like I've been saying that anytime I've told that story to friends I've been telling that yeah bit and he goes I and then I said I said when you got in the bar and you held up champagne You go I got a pretty dick you can suck them with the lights on he goes I do But it was so Fucking magical that I was bubbling when thinning starts It's not just your hair that takes a hit him makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth and regain your confidence They offer convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that actually work Dr. Trusted ingredients like finestride and monoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair and his little three to six months I'm hoping it's three. I'm hoping it's three. 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That's bears to 64,000 Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. You know It's do you remember when you were young and you had something happen in your career and you said this is gonna change things for me Yeah, and then after a while you're like nothing changes anything. Yes. It's really hard to move the needle This was one of those things where I called me and I was like, it's huge. This is huge. This is bigger than a movie This is it'll go viral It's and I and I was like, you know, oh so excited and then when and I understand Tracy backing out I understand him going like I don't you know He didn't know what he was gonna do on stage with me and I I'm very well versed in the story and Tracy's just standing Yeah, he was so fucking So if I was like if we'd filmed the room it would have been just you could just air that yeah and by the way He must have had fucking three breakfast sandwiches. He just kept going he kept eating and he was like, oh yeah Don't get me started. Do you know what I did? Do you remember Do you remember that clip we saw him a long time ago when he was talking about being on the football team and his coach yelling at him Donnell donnell. You're not Doug Flutey. Yeah. Yes. Yes. I remember the Doug Flutey part. Yes. He immediately went into it really and it was like you put pads on somebody Dude he is we know I there's a phrase that bothers me online and I think mostly because no one ever says that about me But they're like protect this man at all costs. They do it like like Michael J. Foxx or Yeah, yeah, and they do they do it to like females all the time Natasha Leon. He got pulled off of playing. She was read after whatever Protect this woman at all costs. It's a thing. Yeah, I bothers me so it in it in in in it It suggests the person's weak and they can't protect themselves and I'm like, that's the fucking weird thing Do that guy He's he's he is a national treasure like comedy-wise so unique. Yeah, the most unique voice If you listen to that out he put out some album a while ago We're like you just hear you can hear that people the audience are like what's happening? Oh my god It's like you know when you come home with three in the morning You've you got to step over motherfucker passed out you're like Kevin you got shit all over yourself You're like what is going like and because you know that he's actually remember that makes sense to him Like he's telling stuff that you're like your mind is so unique his delivery also He can make reading a menu. Yeah, you know he can he can do something like yeah Like he was like at the stand once you popped in he's like look to keep on the side. He was how old how are you? This is a 23 and he was like damn my pet. I bet you piss hard The best the best trace of Morgan's story I ever heard was I've heard a bunch of them like sick Sickler's story is unbelieveable. It's unbelievable. It's unbelieveable. It's he could do a Tracy Morgan episode I had the guys at CIA or no ICM the guys that I see And that the first time that story got out the guys that I see him were the we're like yo We tried to sign him and I was like really and they're like yeah And he told us he wanted to do a general meeting on a Saturday afternoon and a david busters And I was like really nico they go we got there And he threw his birthday cart party for his kid with all his kids friends and we paid for it. No That's unreal crazy Morgan was like yeah david busters 11 a.m. Bring presents. Wow. They just changed the name of Tracy Morgan's turn That's so incredible. You got you have to do it on a you have to hear Ryan's story like fully. I haven't heard it. It's oh my god It's I don't want to like but he basically met him on a like kind of like burt did and had his own adventure with him That like was completely unprompted and unplanned and and it and it was it was it's wild We'll never get another one of those Yeah, because he showed up at a perfect time cameras yeah cameras yeah can't ever be I mean you'll never get another stand hope Cameras cameras I met him at oddball. That's where I met Tracy crazy the oddball thing like 10 years ago And you know you go up to you every night it was a different amphitheater Backstage and I'm walking I get dropped off like the car servers would pick you up drop you off and you're walking in that backstage era and I see A white massive rolls Royce And I'm like walking I'm like this is fucking rolls and then I see Tracy and he's in all white With a massive dukey chain and a medallion like I was like this year roll. He's like yeah, you want to check this shit out. I was like yeah And he had a chauffeur like a guy in a fucking suit driving and he's like I just got this shit. That's how I roll You know, I was like yeah, this is fucking amazing. Not to not to um not to take away from what Mark and Sam do on on morning television, right? Yeah, like they're they're really great like they're living in in that guys big paid the path Tracy Morgan paid that path. Oh, all of morning. Yeah, I decent dad the Chicago one. Whatever. Horace Grant Hala like that one That's my mating call I'm getting someone pregnant tonight. Yeah, by the way, that's Arizona. I think no one will no one Will ever appreciate that. Yeah, only because I'm one it's again. I've done it too. I've taken my shirt off on radio on morning Gotting on thunderstorms. Whatever. What we're all doing Tracy? Yeah, I'm pressing a trace derivative of Tracy Yeah, I mean that when he did that there was no frame. That was when you were like yo the Chicago one is just it's unbelievable Oh my god, I'm about to get some pregnant up in here. That's Arizona. He's like late. Oh look at this Can we hear it? And join the Chicago summer. Turn up. I'm just waiting. Oh yeah You an early morning guy Tracy. There you go. Oh, good morning guy. This is what it is. How you get this big in the sexy? I hope Mokras now watches. You might know. What are you talking about. Open. I'll see me. Open. Open girl. Open up. Open up. Open up. Open up. Open up. Open up. Open up. Open up. Open up. He's so serious. He's not laughing. No. He's like, "Damn it, call me." And look at this guy in the far left, like the fuck's going on. How old is Tracy? Can you find out how old he is? He looks at his, like, he's got to be 32, tops. Yeah. 18 years ago. 18 years ago. He's so mad. Do you ever see, um, how old is he? He's like, 39. 39. 39. 39, damn. I guess black has an inability to crack. He looks, he looks. Go back to it. Young. Tape, as is it. You can start Jones all to your very self. I like the start, the skinny start, but big start was good. I love big start. Right? That was, like, being a big star. You got it? Yeah. You did it great. You got it. It's all right. You got it. All you know. Come on. Give me a kill. Give me a kill. It's a little bit much of this kind of reward of Tracy, but, you know? This right here is for Mittler. Like, maybe a white woman or a TV just for Mittler. I'm going to get brown. Yeah. You're going to go caught a lot and see it. Yeah. Nudes. I'm having a affair with her. What's your name again? (all laughing) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, - I love you. - He's got my daughter, he's got my daughter. - Loveable. - He's pulling from like, it's like he's pulling lines from a novel. - Scroll along, I think he lays on the table. - Is Tracy Morgan black-norm? - Does any end up laying on this table? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, go back, go back. - Go back a little bit. - To the beginning of the hole. - Let's see what caught him there. (all laughing) - Sure, Clip. - Sure, why not? (all laughing) - Excuse me. - You're the women love you, Tracy. (all laughing) This is my impression of a pregnant woman. (all laughing) - You know what, this is gonna be dubbed like a million times on the internet, and we're gonna be the two more unside behind him going, "I don't know what." - We don't know what he did. (all laughing) - You can't even suck it in too much. - You can't even suck it in too much. - We get 90 seconds left, Tracy. (all laughing) - You're gonna be at the improv in Shamburg. - We are at the improv in Shamburg. - That's how you sell a ticket. - What black people live out there? - I think black people are out there. - Shamburg. - Not really. - Shamburg. - Yeah, sure. - Hey, oh, Bishop, come on. Come on, let's just go. (all laughing) Bishop, come on. (all laughing) You'll caught right, come see me. - You'll caught right. - All right. Come see me. - I know what you're saying, Tracy. - To say your love, say your love me. - Hey, Barack Obama. (all laughing) I gave you like $15, your campaign, man. Get back to the community. - Oh man, it is gonna be a red carpet made in Shamburg. - Barack Obama, Michael Jordan, Oprah. They will all be there to see Tracy Morgan. - No, no. - Is the information on your screen. - Oh man. - Oh my god. - He is black norm. - He's black norm. - He's black norm. - Can you take over an interview and not just go, I'm gonna be funny in the interview, I'm gonna make it a different thing. - But can't tell you the thing that will never happen again is, they, and I think it's the thing about norm, is you have to really not care. Like you have to not care. - You do not care if to really-- - Tracy doesn't give a shit about the point of TV. - You have to let the fact that people are gonna say, that wasn't funny. - Yeah, you gotta let it go. I bet you didn't know that one man every single hour is diagnosed with his particular cancer. It's the most common cancer in men aged 15 to 35, which is why April is National Testicular Cancer Awareness Month, which is why I want to shed some light on man's capes partnership with the Testicular Cancer Society. 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Visit Manscaped.com/tcs to learn more about how to check yourself or make a donation to @tcs society today to save lives and balls. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let me tell you, if there's anything I've learned lately, it's that you can't prepare for everything. And it's the stress of the unexpected, uncontrollable parts of life that can be the hardest to cope with, especially when it comes to finances. What seems like just a little money problem can turn into a mood, a sleep, a relationship problem faster than you can think. Studies show that 88% of Americans are feeling some form of financial stress. So if that's you, know that you're not alone or failing. That's why BetterHelp is a shining light on how important it is to have the right kind of support for financial stress. Therapy isn't about someone telling you how to budget. It's about having a place to unpack all the anxiety, all the pressure, all the stuff that comes with trying to take care of yourself plus all the people you love. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/Bears. That's better, H-E-L-P.com/Bears. Well, that's what it was so cool about. Once Sam and Tom, all you guys started making fun, it's like, this doesn't matter. Nobody comes out for, so let's have fun. Let's make a clip. Yeah, like he did. It's interesting, Sam and Mark kind of use them for the clip. Yeah. They don't, they have no interest in the press itself. Dude, Sam's been doing this. I've seen, I just see his posts of it, where he just goes for an absolutely not okay morning show joke, he just goes for the hardest joke. It's so fucking funny what he does. He goes for abortion jokes at seven o'clock in the morning. And you can see how scared they get, they're like, and then they're like, oh, right, and you can go see, it's like a way to get out of it, but it's a really funny approach to it. Norman's first one was authentically fucking hysterical. Yes. The first time he did it, 'cause you can tell he was hungo, he was still drunk. Still, yeah. Still drunk over. And he was like, and he was cursing on air. Yeah. He got him a little gay. And that's the, I love fucking with the morning people. It's the best. It's just so funny, they realize this doesn't sell tickets. Yeah. You know what, they're getting ready with it in the background on the way to work with people. The first time I ever fucked off with it, I was like, why are we doing this? And then he was doing DJ Dadmaps. DJ Dadmaps, the full character, yeah. Look at that fat piece of shit. By the way, guys, this is not makeup in a character. The only thing he added there was a gold chain. Everything else was just his outfit. (laughing) That was his regular fat. Oh, I did that. I did that show right after Tom did. Yeah. And they were like, are you gonna do, like one of the guys were like, yeah, and your friend Tom's like a DJ now. And I was like, what? And I was like, they're like, yeah, he's DJs. That's like his big thing. He doesn't do stand up, please DJ. The big thing that I would do on these when I started doing that, that the club would go, what the fuck? Is I would say I'm a DJ. And then they're like, you'll be at the, you know, at the improv, and I go, don't worry about that. It's all about the after party. There was no after party. And I would go, meet me at this bar. I'm gonna be DJing. And I'd get off and go, what the fuck are you talking? You told people not to go to the show. I was like, no one's watching this, man. No one who's gonna buy a ticket is watching the 7 a.m. fucking noobs. They're not. And they were just like, all right. And once the shows would sell, and you, I'm like, they're already sold. Why are we doing this? Because we need you to do this. So I gotta tell you, out of all of that, like out of all the fun, fuck off, I one time witnessed Daniel Tosh do morning radio with material. Yeah. And I've never seen anything more powerful in my life. You can hear him. He did morning radio and did bits and didn't tell the news doing bits. He did bits. But it disguised them. Disguised them? Yeah. It was fucking destructive where you were like, like Byron Allen? They were like, do you have anything you wanna talk about? 'Cause he was a Bob and Tom guy. Yeah. And he was good. Was he really? Oh, hardcore. And he gave them, like, gave them five bits. But all he knew was that that first one, he was never gonna let them talk again. And so they said, so tell us about, you know, what's going on? Yeah, what you wanted for a fall? And he's like, I love football. I love guys that do steroids. I think they'd be sponsored by Campbell Soups. We'd turn them into vets. But like, and he just did his fucking material and murdered. God. That probably did work then for sales. Yeah. I mean, but it's so interesting what sells now. Do you forget, by the way, I totally forget. It's, I only remember when I get into like a rental car. Yeah. That I'm like, oh yeah, the radio. Like I forget the radio. But I forget. I know, yeah. I totally forget you, you'll be driving and you go, like, 'cause you haven't connected yet and you're like, "Oh yeah, I'm always connected," like Bluetooth, you know? That there's people still turning on the radio. - When I came back to New York from Ecuador and I was driving, South was let me say, it is like a crash pad and somewhere and I was driving from, I would get New Jersey like conservative radio, but morning radio. - Yeah. - And so long as I heard it. So it was a mixture of conservative thought and morning. And so it'd be like, top five things New Jersey's known for. So it's a blueberry state. By the way, the mask is a badge of compliance. - It was just like a haunted back and forth to conservative and like fun. - That was pretty cool. - Those old school talk radios. - Am talk radios were good. - I was helping out. - Didn't really go anywhere. - I mean I was just helping out. - You know, you know what I like? You take risks, man. - Okay. - I like taking a swing. - Wow. - So tell us about Ecuador. - Hold on. We got, we should make a big point that May 9th, the five K's back. You can sign up. There'll be conservatives there. There'll be Jews, Christians, Muslims. - You run our five K before? - Not really. - Because I ran it with Brian Simpson. Who? He's so bad. He's doing better, but he was like, we started running. And I mean, 30 seconds, like, hold on, let's walk for a second. I was like, okay. Vetchy's like, all right, let's pick it up again. Let's run, let's work on it. And then another 30 seconds, like, all right, let's, let's walk for a second. - Where was that one? And it was, we got there. - That was in LA. - Yeah, in LA. - LA, yeah. And then he goes, you can go ahead. You can go ahead. It's like, no, Brian, I haven't seen you in a while. Let's catch up. And man, walking that five K is beautiful. - In Pasadena? - Yeah. - Amazing. - It totally. - 45 minutes to an hour. And yeah, we killed it. - Yeah. - There are five minutes to an hour. - Yeah. - That's a big window. - We passed the meatloaf or whatever and go on the other way. - You just have to eat it? - Just have to eat it. - And he was meat-roll, and he was fucking running. And then that's when Brian was like, shit, and then we got sorts of the it. So this is a place you can get to and where you can see the finish line. And I was like, dude, dude, dude. We have got to work up a sweat before we get to that finish line. They're taking pictures. He's like, you're right, you're right. So we just ran around in place for like 20 seconds. Enough to get him going. Now let's go. We just ran the last 30. - That by the way, when you see, I experience this when I'm out running now is you'll be out on a run. I'll go to this trail. And I'll see either like an older person, a fatter person, a woman. And they're ahead of me. And I'll just be like, you cannot let this person pass. Or just beat you in this. And just in my head, you have to fucking run past this person. - Oh, I ran in San Francisco. - I don't mean any woman, I just mean most. - I ran in San Francisco when we did the MLB for Netflix. I woke up that morning and like to see the sunrise. I wanted to see the sunrise. - What did you guys do? You called the game? - No, I just did like that. - He did something for us. Just, I announced the teams. - What did you play, Koi? - No, what? - You announced the teams. Yeah, like the young ladies and gentlemen, the New York Yankees, ladies and gentlemen. And so, but I got up at like six in the morning, I want to see the sunrise. I haven't been drinking, so that's the only joy I get in life. Yeah, no, buddy, you have no idea. It's calling me. - Oh, I get already. - Wait, let's drop the 5K before we start talking about boost. So I go out for a run. And there was an Asian woman who was run walking. - Yeah, run walking. - And she was in front of me the whole, she'd run and then walk. And I'd almost catch up to her. - And she'd run, it was like, nope. - It was almost like I was chasing her in old school Vietnam. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do the jungle. And she would just run walk and I couldn't get past her. And running in San Francisco, everyone was faster than me. - Every one, 'cause they're all tech kids, they don't really like, now let's talk about drinking. Sign up for the two, five bears, two K, whatever, you know. - Two bears, five K dot com. It's May 9th, it's at the Pasadena Rose Bowl. - During the first of the joke. - It's during the festival, and it is like a fucking fun day. It's not just for-- - You're committed for the Shaq thing, just so you know. - I'm not. - You Shaq damn it. - You're Shaq to the full right now. - Why, why are you leaving? - Yeah, I'm not gonna be there, I promise, I promise. - Well, it's me, Matt Reif, Mark Norman, Sam Morrell. I think Stavvy. - That's a great line. - I know, but I wanted you on it. Oh, I think we got Ms. Pat's gonna be on it. - Jesus. - It's a great line. Anyway, let's get back to these kids. - So, I'm not drinking, right? - Yeah, okay. - If you can remember it's just like when you're not drinking. - No, and so what happens is, no, I'm not slept. What happens is your phone really does listen. So if you go into my algorithm, all it is is sobriety stories. - No. - That's all I get, every fucking day. And can I tell you-- - Do you still have your pull the fucking Latch Day? Is it still July? - July 12th. - That's, it's happening. - What is that? - And I would put this to you. - July 12th, you get to drink again? - Yeah. - You should record yourself. - Well, I, what are you gonna tell you? - I was thinking about, I was thinking about what would be a great city to fall off the wagon. - No one was Louisiana. - No. - That's where we stopped. - I know, but think about it. - Okay. - 'Cause it, New Orleans can be a little repressing in the-- - No, I'm Penn. - What? - Penn, I'm Penn, fucking child. - Penn, I'm Penn. - Penn, I'm Penn, Cambodia. - Okay. Once again, that's too far of a flight. - Okay, okay, okay. - Okay, let's keep thinking. - Okay. - Home town, Tampa? - Tampa. - No. - No. - Like golf drinking the course. - No, 'cause then I got a bunch of dudes that I fucking grew up with. - In here, I have a podcast with their best friends. - You want it to be like Aspen? So you're like, see? - I know. - I don't know. - No, low altitude, drink more. - No, I don't know, I don't know. - No, I don't know. - No, I don't know. - I keep thinking, I keep hearing next words in Key West stories. - I think a Key West would be a good place. - Yeah. - The Turks and K-Cos, Jamaica. - Wow. - Jamaica. - I can make a flight to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands. - A Caribbean thing would be cool. - Caribbean, like to fall off the wagon. - What's a great drinking town? What's known as a great New York City, Chicago? But yeah, I keep saying Chicago would be fun. - No, you want the same, I think you want the beaches. - What I want is I want three days of drinking. I want three days of like, of like, came in islands, get a cocktail in the pool, run it in the afternoon. - You should book this ahead of time. So it's like a whole thing. - But I'm trying to think of the best place, and everyone goes, Chicago, New York. You know, I can't, but New York is like-- - I kind of feel like, this is just how I look at my own unwinding. I never really unwind until I leave the country. So like, I think if you go to like, even if it's a Caribbean, I, it's not that far, but you're just unplugged from home. It's gonna be a more fun experience. - It's plus July, summertime. You know what, Chicago and New York are drinking times, 'cause you drink consistently there. But you're talking about drinking hard and well for just a few days. - And enjoying and beautiful days. - I think it's right. - Yeah, you don't want to be in the concrete jungle, dude? - No. - No. Do you want to be really ready? - Feeling good. I, but yeah, July 12th, I fall off, and I can't-- - Why, what is this, what's going on? - I got a blood clot in my leg and trouble my lungs. - I know. - And so I got on blood thinners. Dude, I think-- - Let me tell you the thing. No, no, no, no, I take a baby aspirin. But when I, now I have a little bit more perspective. When they told me I couldn't drink for six months. - Yeah. - Dude, it felt like-- - Yeah, it felt like-- - Yeah, it felt like-- - I was like, I remember the first thing I said. I was like, what am I supposed to do for the Super Bowl? And the doctor was like, what are you talking about? And I was like, NASCAR, I got the day's total 500. So I'll be food and wine festival. What are we talking about? Like, how am I going to do this? - It's in the name. - And then you don't drink. And then you're like, oh, I cannot drink for anything. Like, not drinking is-- - It's not been hard. - Not at all. - Not at all. - Not at all, not one bit. Not one bit. The hardest part, honestly, is flying. Because I do know-- - You're always a-- - I do know that in turbulence, there is something that can make me go away. - I saw I've never-- - Dude, it's been years. When we had that weight loss competition, and Joe sent us to San Francisco to go watch the Warriors and Cavs play. This is one of the bronze on the Cavs. So we were watching bronze stuff, like the two premier teams. And this guy picks me up at my house. He has the car service come to my house. And I get in, he's got the, it's the, like, the 64 ounce, like, 7/11 mug with crushed ice. And it's just Vaca soda. It's 64 ounces, dude. It's massive. - Wow. - And I'm like, what is it? He's like, I mean, it's early. It's like eight o'clock in the morning. He drinks that, and I'm like, holy shit. He's like, have one. Come on, man. Fucking have one. - It's such a good beer pressure. - Yeah, I'm like, okay. - You're not a drinker. - No. - And you got, we walked into the, we walked into the Emeralds Club. - Oh, right away, but at the airport, they're like, burr, like the bar. - Emeralds, everywhere. - Yeah. - And then they'd like, put it down. They're like, here you go. Like they just, he doesn't have to say what he wants. - I never had to say his name was Carl. He was passed away now. Carl would put down drinks, and then he, and then every time right before I go to get the plane, Carl would go, hey, traveler. I go, yeah, he goes Caucasian. I go, please. And then a coffee cup, like a big coffee cup. He'd make a white Russian. for me. So it looked like I was drinking coffee on the plane and I go on the plane with a white Russian and just sip. Oh, dude, bro, by the time we landed, he's like seven doubles into the day. And then we go to the hotel and he's like, let's check out the bar. Let's go have a drink at the bar, right? And I'm like, I need to take a nap right now. I'm already bomb drunk. And then we go to the game. You're really not passing out. Drinking just keeps going on. So when we finally get back, like, I'm really like hanging. I've had four drinks you know, he's on whatever. And then we got, he's like, let's go smoke a cigar. Yeah, I thought you were going to, I was wondering if you remember that. And I go, we go to start smoking a cigar. And then I'm sitting here so I'm going to cigar, but I'm like, oh, Jesus, like, I never drink this much. And so finally, like, you know, we're getting to the end of our cigar. I'm like, all right, he goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm going to go to bed. He goes, don't you want this feeling to continue? Like, don't you want this to just keep going? And I'm like, no, I want to lay the fuck down. There is a different thing that you get where it's like, let's go hard. And that other normal people go, like, I can't, I nothing I want more than laying in a bed. Yeah. It would be so nice. So you're three months into sobriety. Can I tell you the crazy part is I just got blood work back? Yeah. Well, don't listen to that. You've always been perfect. Don't listen to that blood work. Now is healthier than it's been in years. And I cannot wait to put a fucking dent in it. Dude, all I hear, I cannot wait to for it to go, what happened? I am, I got my numbers back and they've never been like in the 18s and the 20s. It's always, you know, 36, you know, 45, all right at the top. Boom. I'm like, ready to get after it. It's almost like you can connect these dots. Blood pressure, blood pressure, Tom. Perfect. Low. I got low blood. They're taking me off meds. Wow. I'm off meds. I'm all like, it's, it's so no point. It goes, I'm going to not drink like everybody's. Everybody's. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm really, well, hang on, what, hang on, look, look, hang on, hang on. Here's a deal. Let's, let's break it down. Let's break it out. You will not be remembered. No one will remember you. Yeah. You will have no legacy. When, when you're, when you're the last person that remembers your name is dead, no one will ever talk about you again. Right. That's it. It's over. Life's a cash grab. That's true. So I never fucking think it's anything more than a cash grab. Okay. All these fucking influencers waking up. And, and cold punching and sauna and running 12 miles and doing 100 miles, thinking that they're going to leave a legacy. You're not. Yeah, you're fucking not. Okay. You're going to die next to Doug Stanhope. Two bears, 5k coming, uh, May 9, 2026. But it's, it's, that's all I'm getting is influencers. Yeah. And, and it's like Dave, you know, you get half of them. So, Brydie is their brand where they're trying to monetize it. You know, like some fucking piece of garbage today all the side of a fucking thing. And he was like, I got 300 days sober, I got custody my daughter back. And you're like, you know, immediately I find he goes, I'm, I clear a million dollars a year. If you two want to learn how to clear a million dollars a year, I'm like, fuck it. I'm getting back pussy. Get out of here. You couldn't handle it. And then I get the ones are like, they're like, let me tell you something. When I was drugs and alcohol, I was, I would run you over with my car for drugs. I would do anything for drugs. And then I go and then like, but I got God first family, second, my church third. And then I'm like, and you are still one key bump away from sucking my dick. Like, let's, let's be clear. Like, you're not there. You didn't fix the fucking rock. Also, I run you over my car to get your, you can just buy it. Yeah, you don't have to hurt anybody. But it's these, all I get are sobriety stories every now and then I get to go like next words. And I've said this to Nick. So I don't mind sharing. When Nick talks about not drinking Nick doesn't drink. Oh, no, he, but he, but man, and I once again, so he's sober. He's sober, but he's, he's good. He's really like, and he's unchanged. That's fair. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, his fun days are drinking. We're a long time ago. I mean, I'm not going to tell any next stories out of school. But if you listen to the blocks podcast, you do with Neil Brennan, you, he, I'm my favorite part of the blocks podcast because only a real drinker would think this would shade it is. He goes, you know, and Neil's like, what's it like when you are having like a real drinking time? He goes, I don't know. I get up around like nine, go to the bar and Neil goes nine and, and Nick goes, maybe 10 as if, as if that's better. Oh, so good. Yeah. But all these kids these days, they're not drinking. They're all micro dosing. And it's, and it's like you're not. I mean, listen, I just think, you know, part of the fun of drinking. And I wish marijuana offered this. Like I was talking to someone about starting a weed company. But I want, here's what I want. I want such low dose weed. At the same ratio as alcohol. So you do keep doing it. So you do that. That's coming back low weed shitty Mexican weed. Yeah, I want low weed because part of the fun of drinking is doing is do you want another one? Do you want another one? Do you want it? Hey, one more before you go. That energy, the thing when you take 10 milligrams of an edible, then you're done. And you're just like, well, the, the imbibing is gone. Yeah, you know, right. Yeah, you can't keep running. And I got to be honest with you, I'm being very real. 10 milligrams is a lot for me. I can't do 10 milligrams and enjoy it. I'm a 5 milligram guy quite often 2.5 and then fucking drink on it and then take another 2.5, but like I alcohol is such a brilliant social lubricant in life. I mean, I've met so many people on planes in bars. So many great times are had when that person breaks their willpower and goes, fine, fuck it. Let's have a drink. And all these kids are missing out in that. And they're just like, I got up. I worked out. I'm on this. I do. And so it's all based off these dudes. They saw in the military, you know, put out like these channels where they're. In the manosphere. You know, you don't need alcohol. You just need to work out. Let me show you a kettlebell complex. And you're like, what the fuck? It makes no sense to me. So you're going to go hard in. Yeah. And then you're allowed to like, there's no ease back up. You're allowed to once they say joy to us allowed. Well, I'm in production in July. So I'm afraid to go off the bed going like if it's a weekend, I may go on. Let's take a fucking and then fly home. You know, and then there's part of me that there's part of me that says don't cheat it. Like don't cheat it. Yeah, this is my first time drinking. I want to what I made on July 12, right? Have one beer to break the number to get rid of the number. The number fucks you up. The number of fucks everyone up in a the numbers what fucks you up. The number. I talked to some of the other day. How many days you've had somewhere? He goes. He goes, um, three hundred seventy five days. What? Three hundred seventy five days. I wish I never started counting. And I was like really goes. The number's fucking me up. He goes. I don't have a problem, but he goes. I'm now I'm obsessed with it. I get that with Duolingo because I I just don't want it. Oh, you were joking. We're joking. Duolingo. Yeah. Yeah. What happens? You get a streak or a streak of days. Yeah. And then you're like, I don't want to break my streak. So I have to people wait and they do that 11 30 p.m. Or hear the sound of bunch in bars. You'll hear that Duolingo. I got to get my streak. I got it. It's almost midnight. Yeah. Are you on it too? Jesus. It's so good. This is he's doing this just for you. Love it. I love it. I love it. Fuck. Wait. Do you have a streak? I just stopped it four years and then I'm now done. I'm just like, I've got to four years. I'm out. It's a total. It's it's it's it's engineered. Yeah. It's like really. They know what it does. It's about to happen to you. What it's about to get warm and you're about to melt into your seat and and a thunderstorm could come running up on you and you wouldn't fucking move a shark could swim up to you and you feel confident in way enough to push its nose away. How great is a big draw and it's raining out and it was like, I'm fine. I'm just stay here. I don't come on. The rain is good. I'm fine. Yeah. That's a good one. Now the rain especially. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come in. I'm fine. We were driving through Greensboro North Carolina yesterday. Home town. Are you sure? Yeah. I lived there tough with great. Call seven. That makes a call seven. We're driving drink water. We're driving from the arena to this place where there's a mural of me. Yeah. The woman did this beautiful mural of me. It's huge. It's on the side. It's like fucking a hundred feet big. What? I know. In Greensboro. In Greensboro. It's just type in Greensboro North Carolina mural. I'm sure it will come up. So I'm driving there. And I saw like I'm only going to call him Lithuanian because that's what he looked like. You know five six shaved gray hair shorts no shirt belly. And he's in the middle of a pile. Yeah, that's the mural. It's a mural. Yeah. Jesus. I'm building. Yeah. What? So I was going to see that good there. And this guy. This guy was sitting in a parking lot with a tall boy and a cigarette barefoot in a bathing suit and a lawn chair. And he was just sitting there and nothing just drinking by himself. And I went. It's so sexy. So sexy. That's crazy. That's a crazy mural, dude. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. I got to give this shout out to the girl who did. Yeah. Generates. Generates. Yeah. Jenna. I met I met with her yesterday. She's awesome. I'm going to have her do one of Leanne. But in when in the A. I. Leanne. And put it on a wall. [BLANK_AUDIO] and then who do a big one on a wall, the end of bikini. - You're gonna hire her to do that? - Yeah, yeah. - Do a big one and don't tell the end about it and then just be like, whoa. - Shit, that looks like you. And then you're like, wait, that is me. I just know that. - In a bikini? - Why would that be you? Who would pay to have a billet? - In a billet. - It's so funny. - That's so funny. - Especially we do it in the neighborhood, like somewhere close. And she'd be like, I'm like a man. - Every time she turns on to Ventura, she's like, what the fuck? - On the side of a ponds. - Yeah, that's the pony boy Curtis. (laughing) - That's really funny, dude. - I'm so jealous that you're drinking right now. - I'm doing it to make you jealous. - I'm not generally a AM drinker. - It's crazy. - Lesson with you and then it's so fun. - You drink so well. I'm the only one who's consistently said you should not give up drinking. - Yeah. - This reminds me of how much fun it was when we went to the National Championship game. - Going to Topgolf first. - Do you remember? - That's when I realized you do doubles at a two to one rate to our singles. - Yeah. - Yeah, I don't count doubles as a double. I just couldn't consider it a drink. - But you do doubles. You're like, give me two Tito's doubles. - Yeah. - And we have one Tito's single. - Yeah. - My favorite moment in all of that. - Yeah. - And I wonder if it's. - No, I have a couple really good. - No, zero, we went to the National Championship game. Alabama versus Georgia. - It was an amazing game. - Six sick game because these two pieces of shit got below obese for a bet. - Yeah. - Because they managed to get not obese. (laughing) - We had some great moments. We stayed in the fourth ward. I know where we stayed now 'cause I've lived in Atlanta. It's being gentrified. That's how we got that play. - We started it. - Yeah, we did. We were right across 2019. - 2019? - Lebanese were Baptist Church. - Wow. - That's nice. - And we had that moment in the liquor store where the print song was playing and everyone in the liquor store started dancing. But my favorite part out of anything, out of anything is when we got Miss Pat Collins say, "Get to the game early, the line is crazy." - Yeah. - And we get to the wall. - There's a tube, by the way, if you're looking at this picture, "Those are two not obese people." (laughing) - That's how much space you got. - Yeah. - Just to get to fat. - Conor. (laughing) - Yeah, it's crazy. - We get to the game and it's, and Trump shows up. - And the line is not even a line. It is a, it looks like Vietnam in 1970. - It's like they're all trying to get out. - Yeah. - It's crazy. - Remember I am legend, they're all trying to get to the helicopters and he's like, "Can I get up?" That's what it was. - It's, I've never seen like that. - I love this so much. Go ahead. - Love it. - And Tom says, what if there's two black kids in a blue coats that are just standing there? They're not doing anything. - They're like security or something. They work for the, they do something official, but we don't know what they do. It's all white people going to this national championship game. Tom gives them 300 bucks each and goes, "Will you guys walk us through this crowd?" And they're like, "Bat." And so these two young black kids start going, "Excuse me, excuse me." It was such a good move. - And people were like, what the, what are they doing? - ESPN, we gotta get them in right now. We gotta get them in right now. - And then trailing and then like, and then my favorite moment ever is. - As people started getting mad. - And people are getting mad. We are in the center. We have made such great time. - Everyone behind us see this. I was like, what the fuck? - But we're past them. - We're past them. - Anyone who's angry, we're past them. - And this white woman goes, "Who the fuck are they?" And he goes, "Man, they're famous." She goes, "I don't know who they are." And he goes, "They're famous." She goes, "You only hired those two kids 'cause they're black and you knew he wouldn't say anything." And the two black kids go, "We're out." And they laugh. - They laugh just there. They laugh just right there. They go, "Yep, we might be a chore for this." We're out of here. - And then we were stuck standing next to that woman. - Uh-huh. Oh, right there. Right next to care, number one. - Oh yeah. - And if you're like, "I have never heard of you," and then Birkhoz, my name's Tom Segora. - Yeah. - And you were like, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" - I'm on Netflix motherfucker. - I remember that. - Damn, that was very fun. That was such a fun time. - What a fun time and what a game. - I remember sitting on the back patio. Smoking. - You got nice ones. - You got nice ones. I think you got the David Officer. - Yeah, cool. - That was fun. It was like, "Wow." - And I remember being cold. When we were outside. - 'Cause you guys weren't obese anymore. (laughing) - So I was like, "I guess you think our waist. " - Freeze is out here in Atlanta. - Yeah, it was cold. - How much do you think our weighed then? - Probably like 230. - Shut your fucking mouth. - Then look at that. What do you think it is? - Three. (laughing) - Low three. - Low three. - I'm talking about Tom or me. - I'm talking about you. - There was no way Tom was 220 pounds in that picture. - No, I didn't say I was. - Wait, what are you? - Wait, what's that obese? - What's that obese? - I don't know. - What's that obese for you guys? - Hang on, I can't remember. - Actually, I'll give you the exact, I'll tell you exactly how much I weighed. I took measurements back then. - You have the measurements? - You keep them. - I keep them low. - But you'll know your weight though? - Oh boy. - It's just waste. - You'll just know your measurement. - No, no. What date? - I'll know everything. - Sure. - That was September 30th? - No. - October 31st, 2017. - That's the way in. - That's the way in. - But this is in January. - This is fat. - This is January of the next year. - We had to be under, I had to be under 216 pounds. - In that photo? - No, no. - To be not obese. - Yes. - The fact that you guys were cutting weight, it was so funny. - Yeah. - It's you were like, I'm getting out. - You know, that is the impetus to porosos, really. Honestly, because what happened is, I said I was going to lose weight and I was going to drink the whole time. - You do it the right way. - And I was like, I will drink Tito's and Soda's the whole time. - Yeah. - Now I know that I talk shit, but at the time, in 2016, 2016. - '17 was the weight loss thing. - '16 was the weight loss challenge. 2016 was the loss challenge because my machine story went viral that way. - I left for Myanmar in 2017, and I found it a computer at a place and started a new email account. I said, guys, I will pay you, but I left. - 2016, I thought it was '17. - 2016, Tito's was a popular brand of vodka, but they weren't as big as they are today. And I met a dude on a plane who got a Tito's and Soda, who told me about Tito's, and he was a male model. And I started drinking Tito's because of that weight loss, so he goes, I can drink it and not gain weight. And I said, I'm gonna drink Tito's, that whole fucking weight loss. And I did. And I went out on a limb, and Tito's people started showing up to my shows, giving me gift baskets. And then I reached out to Tito's and was like, yo, I'd like to be a, you know, not a brand ambassador wasn't a thing, but I'd like to work with the company. And Tito, word got back to me. Tito, the guy, his real name's Bert, said what? Tell him to go fuck himself and stop drinking Tito's. And I went, huh? - That was a message that was related to you? - Yes, and I went, fuck, are you being serious? And they're like, yeah. - Do you think he was drunk off Tito's? - I don't know. - I think he was like, I don't know who fuck this, well, let's be honest, he did build his own brand. He did build his own vodka. He did it all himself. He's got some guy saying, this guy, Bert, you know, talks about your vodka a lot. And then he's like, well, fuck him. I mean, why not fuck him? Tell him to just stop drinking my vodka. - But was that explicitly said to you? - Yes, yeah. - Go fuck him too. - And then I stopped drinking Tito's because of it. And I was like, why can't drink Tito's now? I can't fucking, I don't like the guy. And I was looking for like a brand deal. I wasn't looking for a million dollars. I was looking to be involved with the company somehow 'cause I was such a brand ambassador. And so when we started Porosos, I was like, you know what? Fuck Tito's, fuck him. - Fuck Tito. - I mean, I hate it because I had so many good memories of drinking Tito's back then, but, you know. - Well, this is better product, so fuck you. - Let me tell you, if you're a young kid and you're like, you all wanna work with Porosos, you will not hear me say, tell the guy to fuck himself. - You should do that to somebody high level. Mr. Beast, you should tell him to fuck off. - No way. - Jimmy. - You don't need his fucking help. - Do you know how much I need Jimmy in my life? - Fuck Mr. Beast. Porosos, I'm the brand ambassador now. There's a bunch of kids that all get fucking faded and then run in the morning. - Yeah. - I love those kids. - Get drunk, Ron. - They all do it. And there's a dude in Austin who does it. His name's Bender. The last name's Bender. - Perfect. - So, real quick, the end. - The end is out now. - It's out on YMHStudios.com. - The end.YMHStudios.com. Everybody's in it. It's great. I don't forget what to say. - No. - Just that you have an incredible lineup. - It's so good. - And it's so good. - And there's a prologue in there that you guys have got for free unless you just buy the Nate episode. - Nate episode is a clean episode. - Oh, right. - And as you get a clean episode. - That's smart. - That's smart. - It worked out them out. - He's not, I mean, he's clean. He just doesn't curse. He's so funny. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I don't want people hearing this and going, "Ah, clean, I'm out." - No, no. - He's hilarious. - But any other episode you get, you get the prologue too, but get the whole season for the discount. You know, I was looking at my bumpers I recorded, like in South America. - Yeah. - Knowing this would come out, like, save some podcasts. So with Bobby Kelly, I just did one of them. It was like the price is 10 bucks each, $9.99, 50 for the season. And then now I gotta be like, "Hey, that was Tom told me that's crazy." He said, "People, $50 for a lot of people is a weak salary." And they can't afford that. He said, "He told me, you told me that people are struggling, they're poor, that everyone's poor except you." And that $50 is sure. us too much. So that's right now 24.99 for the whole 30 for the whole season and just and six bucks in episode. It's a great deal. It's all about man. Save those checklists and just you know spend them when you can. It is actually it's it's totally great price for what you put together. So make sure you check it out. It's on YMH3.com. Please sign up at two bears 5k.com for the May 9th 5k. Bert myself a bunch of people this can be music. There's food. It's a great time. It's at the Rose Bowl. It'll have porosus there. I won't be drinking it. I think I'm going to smoke it. I'm just I haven't I got to figure out a reason to smoke weed. I know on what get snoopy dog dog to come in off some some sort of like a zip wire. Something fun. Maybe give me a golf cart. Yeah. And then light a blunt hand to see you and drive off. I would love snoop to break my weed sobriety. You can't smoke weed. I know I can now I can but I haven't because I haven't I don't have a reason like I've just been like well I don't need it to go to bed and I don't need it to unwind. I just want like deaf. You should definitely do that. Yeah. Yes. I'm 90 days. 92 days today. Incredible. Number. Well, um, Mazel or whatever you guys say. Like I said, you know, the only stuff you've learned about cultures is the shit. And papers, please or what do you guys say? Papers. Oh, that's a different. Okay. And we'll see you guys next week. (gentle music)