117: The Enabler with Kathleen Madigan | Soder Podcast | EP 115

Hey guys, Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is starting back up in February, February 13th we kicked back off in Orlando, but we're coming to Tampa. Buffalo, New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Dallas, Houston, Oklahoma City, the list goes on and on. Go to Gansoder.com and see all announce dates, all dates are up and the tickets are on sale. Go buy tickets right now. I really appreciate it. And I hope you're doing okay. Too short. That's all you five, one, five, one, maybe what it was that that is that were maybe it started at five one and a half. So maybe five and a half was that every moment where you're like, did you hate it being short? No, I prefer it because you fit everywhere. You should watch me say Kwan Barclay through an airport. Yeah. It's a major all. All people do not see me. Yeah. I'm almost like a child. Because they're lovely. Yeah, well, like if I'm standing in line to get on the plane and it's always dudes, I hate to say it, but women wouldn't do it. Sure. It's just, well, men are a lot taller. Anyway, they'll just walk right by me and I don't think they're being rude. I do not think they saw me. I'm just like, you know what they are. Sometimes I'll yell if Joe's traveling with me. I'm like, I'm a fucking person. Like, God, damn it. Oh my God. That little girl got so sick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if she emancipated from her family? Yeah. I mean, that is a thing where you don't realize it's the, it's the Clark Kent argument. Everyone always like Clark Kent, that's so stupid. You put on glasses. They're going to know it. Superman. And then you see, you know, it actually works way better than you think. You would think. Yeah. I remember one time after a show at Helium in Philadelphia, me and my buddy that was with me on the show went to go get food at a restaurant and I'm still open. It was like the Thursday night show. So the restaurant was just open and we walked in and I had glasses at the time before I got lacic. So I had my glasses on after the show because I don't wear them on stage and I had my glasses on and these, this couple from the show was talking to my friend and they were like, you were great. They were like, what a show. And you know, the comic thing where they tell your feature you're great and then you go, well, I hate myself. Right. You were kind of good too. Yeah. But then they were like, where's the guy? That was, I was standing next to him. Like, where's the guy that was the headliner and I was like, that was me and they're like, and you're like, so I guess glasses do fool people. They can. I think alter yourself enough that people don't know. Yeah. Also, it is like the hiding and plain sight thing where it's like, like you said, people don't even notice you. No. And if I have my glasses on, if somebody thinks it's me, they'll be like, hey, I think it. I'm like, yeah. All right. You got me. It's like tag. It's like laser tag on. Yeah. Yeah. You're laser straight. You're right. But have you ever noticed in the airport, the three seconds of thought someone puts in when they look at you and they go, well, if I make eye contact, it's over now, they're coming. Yeah. If I come in for the picture. If I make eye contact in the airport, I'll go at the confirmation. But sometimes you'll notice it and you go, I have about three seconds to get out of here. Yeah. I'll tell her. I'm like, there's a guy on the right. He's staring. And it's not like, and they were, oh, it's my fucking bike or bar by my house. I go, there's a dude behind you doing really weird shit. He was like, kind of dancing. Okay. He looked like Tim McGraw. He was really handsome. I'm very handsome. Skull cap on. The whole thing. But it's a bike or bar. And then I didn't think he was doing it to me, but it was in the direction of me. Well, he was like, just like trying to get my attention. Oh, really? I do feel it. And, you know, I kind of like that. Like, I don't know what's going on here. But then he came over. He was like, I'm just going to say it. I'm the owner. My name's Craig. And he owned the bike or bar. I was like, I met another man that claimed he owned this bar, like six months ago. As someone that is very gullible, people can always get me with that. I own the bar. Or they go, I do this and I go, well, that's who you are. You claimed it first in my brain. I believe you. Why would anyone lie about it? It's a shithole. I mean, it is the shittiest bar. It's the most fun, but it's not. That's the kind of bar that makes me miss drinking. Yeah. Yeah. Like a shitty, good, a good shitty bar. I would, yeah, I would hate to quit drinking because all my places are kind of drinky centric. My lake bar. Well, the lake bar you could go to and still have fun in that drink. Yeah, but you go, but there is a feeling of like, of like style, bar stylistically that draw me in. Me too. And there are eyes. Like a place that looks like your eyes have to focus when you walk in from outside. Right. That's the kind of bar that I want to drink. Yeah. I went and Post Malone's new one on Broadway and it's the thing I love the most. It is night time in there. Yeah. I don't care what time of day it is. It is like a nine o'clock at night and boom, it's pitch black and the bands are great. I need casino, like, loss of day. Yes. Otherwise, I feel half ass guilty. I'm like, well, I could be taking a walk. I could be. Yeah, but the best is when you're drinking during the day and then you go outside and you feel that like, I've got a secret and no one knows. It's what Hillary Miller used to do a joke that it's God's flashlight. Yeah. That's funny. It's really funny. You're like the sun. You're like, oh, no, no, no. Something about being day drunk always to me felt like a fun secret. Just like he got away with it and then a three o'clock nap and then wake up and it's like nothing even happened. Yeah. Exactly what I did on New Year's Eve. Yeah. That's great. It's my cousins. Yeah, we went downtown, Broadway, day drinking. They're from St. Louis. So they wanted it. They wanted it. I don't mind going to Broadway in the day. I will not go at night. Maybe a Monday or Tuesday. It's just too crowded. It's too many. If I see anybody under 40, I'm like, I'm out. That's fun. It's time to go home. Drinking under. I'm gonna go home now because they're here. They're coming. This is a promissory note that there are thousands more on their way. I'm out. They're war cries like a woo. Yeah. People over 40 don't woo when they drink, especially the bad trip and there's nine million of them. That's a, that's like, I was, it always made me laugh in movies where they're like, there's a storm coming and that's how you know when they go like, I need y'all to finish your drink and get the hell out. And then in Nashville, they're encouraging it from stage to, because it's the woo, who country, people. Who, who's though? It just doesn't stop. How long have you been in Nashville for? Like 11 years. Like I went before it became a thing. Yeah. And then I went 'cause little dwarf, it's a dwarf, Brian, it was like, I was like, I got to get out of LA. I never did like it. Sure. It's not my thing. But I stayed for work. And then I was like, you know, I don't need to be here anymore. Like all the late night shows are either moving here or, and that's all I want. I don't want to be in a sitcom. I want to be in a movie. Just why do you stand up? Yeah. I don't want to do any of that. Like, they offered me some sitcom thing on something and I go just politely tell them I'm busy or whatever. It doesn't make you look like shit 'cause the agency looks like they're the ones that are like, I said that you already committed. And so they, it was to go audition for it. Then they came back and they said, well, you can skip that part. Just go straight to the producers. I go, no, I meant I don't want to be in it. I didn't do that as a bargaining chip to like, raise the ante and then they just offered it to me. I'm like, I still don't want to be in a sitcom. Nothing's changed from two days ago until now. I'm not an actor. I don't. I don't have the patience. Yeah. And you're like, and I don't want to do this game. I hate it. I hate it. I went once, one time I went to Lewis Blacks, like one of my oldest friends and he was going to be on the Big Bang theory as like some nutty professor. Sure. And he goes, go with me. I go, oh, Lou, I don't. Please, please, please. He goes, I'll buy you two bottles of wine. I go, all right. If you're going to buy good ones, I'll go. And his assistant is assistant at the time, Shannon. We were there from four to 11. He was in a scene no longer than five minutes. At the very end of the episode, we drank a bottle of wine. I memorized his lines with him. I memorized the whole script. I'm like, do you love this? What do you make it? What do you make it? What do you make it? You know, I had to go. He loves it. I had to go through that to realize that I wasn't a fan of it. Cut out of it. It's just that it really is like you're in a room or a trailer and then they come to you and they go, hey, we got to push this back. Six hours so we don't need you to tell about 8 p.m. and you go, then why was I here at 9 a.m.? Because I'm not doing anything. Right. Louis, you're at the last scene. That's in the script. Why are we here at four? We went in the eight in the commissary deal. We wandered around. We smoked cigarettes. I'm like, I'm drinking. Yeah. Me and Shay drank the wine and we're like, I'm like, I don't got to do anything except run lines with you. But you already know him. I just said that whole world. I'm like, I'm friends with Leanne. And she loves. She's doing great, right? She's doing awesome. And I'm so happy, happy. Yeah. I'm very jealous. She has a beagle that I want to steal. But she always dreamt of having a sitcom like when I was a kid and watched, I don't know the Roseanne sitcom, I didn't think, oh, I would like to do that. Sure. No. But would she be on the tonight show and just do five minutes and leave? I'm like, that'd be good. That would be fun. Yeah, just five minutes. And I'm out. And you call me. You ready? And I'm only there an hour and a half tops. Do you think it's a control thing? Because I think with standups, like we like to control the entire joke. Well, I am not a control freak. It's when I'm with people who seemingly have zero control, then I get irritated. Where I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah. Hey, Mr. Lighting, man. Yeah. Why did this take eight times? Yeah. Hey, Mr. Sound lady, whatever, like, I don't understand. - I understand the delays and maybe it's just 'cause I don't know enough about it, but I become a student in the impatient. 'Cause I'm like, how long did it take to make fucking Braveheart? - Yeah. - This is one episode of The Big Bang Theory and we have been here for seven hours. - Seven hours of my life. - I always, when I saw all that time, I was more impressed with stars and shows. Because I played a small part like Lewis did. So I was around once in a while. I was amazed when I'd see these guys like Paul G. Mottier, Damien Lewis with a binder of their scripts. And they're going through monologues, learning the next episode while filming the current episode. And you're like, how does your brain work? - I don't know, Lewis's can work like that. But then I also, if you go on a movie set, like I used to think, no offense, but I'm not sure Keanu Reeves is like the smartest guy in the room. I do love his acting. - I think he's as emotional intelligence as very young. - Yeah, but like-- - I don't know if-- - SATs, yeah, probably not. - Yeah, I don't know if I want to buy my quiz bowl team. - But I'm like, how does he memorize all those lines? But then you go on a movie set, you really only need to know like five that day. That's all we're gonna get to. Maybe one big scene. - And they say that they're gonna fill my two pages. - Yeah, that's it. So even I could handle maybe that. But I don't want to, I don't want none of it. No. - How old were you when you started doing stand up? - Like 23. - Okay. - So, and I had jobs, I still bartended. I always bartended until like quit, quit. But I had a day job, and I didn't, it's fine. - And you started at St. Louis? - Yeah. So I got lucky 'cause the funny bones headquarters was there at the time. So if you-- - That's like the classic funny bone. - Yeah. - And I-- - It's like the original. - The original, original, original. There were two in St. Louis, but I was by the one that was the original, the good one. - I mean, the amount of people that that club has put into the world stand up wise. - It's a lot. - It's so overlooked. Boston, Philly, all these cities get credit, but St. Louis is like, I talked about this with Chad Daniels. It's like crazy how many people came out of St. Louis. - There's a lot of black people. - Yeah. - And everybody overlooks all that. - Yeah. - Cedric, Levelle, nobody knows it, but-- - I didn't know Levelle Crawford was St. Louis. - Yeah, I think, I think we're 90% sure we swam together as kids in the public pool. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - Levelle, I didn't know where you forget about me. I was a baddest child in the public pool. And I'm like, Levelle, not saying nothing for nothing, but there were a lot of fat black kids. And I felt white kids too. But as far as, which fat kid am I talking about? - It's America. - Here I go, I got a pin here. I'm gonna forget him, I'm gonna forget him, I'm gonna forget him. - But he's gonna hurt me, breathe in the pool. - It was like Ferguson, Ferguson, that area. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Banana is that we grew up. So, there, him said, nobody knows it, but rerun from that old sitcom. - Really? - Yeah, 'cause he used to come over overnight. So I'm like, - That's rerun. - I'm like, fuck, is that rerun? Why is he here? - Why the fuck is rerun here? - I'm like, wow, red fox. - Yeah. - Like, there's a crazy amount. - For some reason I thought red fox was, nope. - He's saying Lewis. - Yeah, I'm so proud of the young people, 'cause when they graffiti, they still graffiti red fox stuff. - That's great. - And like, that's awesome that I would not think a 20-something would have any idea who that was. - Joe List always used to tell me this bar story, and I don't know how true it is, but it makes me laugh so hard about red fox doing a gig in Vegas. And he comes out and it's the Sanford and Sun thing, like a ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. - And he comes out in the crowds like half phone, he goes, fuck this shit and just walks off in the band, just ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. - This plays it right. - That always made me laugh of walking up, grabbing a microphone, go, fuck this shit. - Yes, St. Louis. - I saw a guy at Open Might night. This was the funniest thing. It was his first time ever, and I was with my sister, who was such a harsh judge, but she was hanging out with me and Lou and Ron, and then we go to this Open Might night, she's like, these people are terrible. I mean, who's gonna tell him? Is somebody gonna tell him or who's gonna let him go back every week and act like an idiot? I said, you know, okay, you're a little judgmental 'cause you're hanging out with people that have done this for 20 years. It's not really a fair, there's one guy comes out, takes a look around, he goes, nope. And he left. - That's right. - That might be the greatest open mic set. - Yeah, I would give him the night's grand prize of $25. You win, dude. At least give him 25 bucks or show him out. And he just saw the crowd and went, I can't do this. - I always liked when people just straight up disrespect, like didn't care in a way that looked freeing. - Yeah, I don't have that. - I started into, yeah, I mean, either. That's why I was like, so and all of that. I wanted to do great every open mic. Time to talk to you about delete me. Listen, we're in the age where everybody can find out anything about you so quickly. Use delete me. If you feel like you got too much information out there, and some of these reads you go, does Danny even use this? I've been using delete me since 2019. What they are is they're a company that helps you get your information offline. Now, they can't make sure you're like anonymous online, but what they can do is some of your information has already been sold. 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Pre-paid debit cards issued by Sutton bank, member FDIC, cash app green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers, and promotions provided by cash app, a block incorporated brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosure. There's this little Mexican dude, because I started in Tucson, and he was just-- - That's a weird place to start. - Yeah, not a good place to start. It's like really starting in the middle of nowhere. - You really don't even go there until you do big theaters. - I mean, you're telling me, 'cause I would watch the headlines that would come through the club and it was all people that, if they were good, had horrible addictions. - There's problems. - Yeah, there's problems. - If they're good, you go, what's this guy's proud? Why is he here? - He'd be in Phoenix, if he was doing all right. - Right, right. - But at our open mic, there was just this Mexican dude from the south side of Tucson, and he would just smoke these, like, giants to gar-size joints. You know, not even a blunt, it would be joint paper, and he would get so high, and he'd just go up on stages, just a little Mexican dude, and he'd go, why people, and he would start laughing, and he'd go, you guys are crazy. You would like spit all the time, and he would make himself laugh in a way that it was the hardest I've ever laughed at in an open mic. He got me, 'cause I was like, - I get it. - What do we do spit? And he was like, you guys be meeting all the time? And I was like, this guy's right. I was just in the back die. I was also probably drunk, but I was like, This is so funny, 'cause I just liked the idea of someone showing up and watching us with our theater kid energy. Being like, "It has to be a wonderful performance." And then being like, "Shut up, fuck up, I'm a roofer. I don't give a fuck." - I feel like sometimes, well, I don't know if he does it anymore, a Philippe. - He's great. - He was another one that I felt like, I'm not really sure he cares in a good way. - I followed him recently at the comedy store and he had such a set that I felt like I was giving a book report after him. 'Cause he's so loose and he's like, "This was his lady dude." And then I'm up there and I'm like, "These are the jokes that I have written "and they go like this." And I just felt like the audience was like. - I have sideways from one to two to three so you can follow along. - I might as well have gone on stage gone. And no, one, two, three, one, two, three. - A lot of the Denver comics, I feel like, really, and it wasn't structured 'cause people were like, like, "Rick Kerns, I loved Rick Kerns." But Rick didn't, clearly doesn't give a shit. I mean, when he knows he's funny, he's very funny. And he would just go up there and start, and we're not supposed to smoke in here anymore. And then he'd like to cigarette a stage. And I'm like, "Wow, he doesn't even care "like if the owner's mad at him." But I am a rule follower. - Totally. - I always-- - To have a school forever. - I looked up, I was looking up about you. You went to Osage, you went to-- - I went to school for two and a half years in the Lake of the Ozarks, Osage, yes. And then we moved back to St. Louis. - Well, was that the Osage? 'Cause I just read the book, "Killers of the Fire" and moved, was that part of the Osage like-- - Nation. - Yeah, we were the Osage Indians. - So that was the same school that all the tribe went to. - Yes, but by the time I got there, there were no more tribes. I don't know where they went. - Oh, I don't know. - Well, that's what freaked me out. Like the first time I went to Colorado, I said to Rick Kerns, I go, "That's a really big Mexican dude." He goes, "Killing that's not a Mexican." I'm like, "Really?" He goes, "No, it's an Indian." I'm like, "What?" - Yeah. - We were told in the Midwest they all died. - No. - That's what we were-- I'm not even joking, that's what-- Because we didn't have any reservations, we didn't have any tribes left. Everybody went, boom, to Oklahoma, and then I thought they fizzled out. - No. - This is not like a joke. I'm not joking, but this is what we were taught. - They're very life- - I've learned more about Indians doing casinos. - Yeah, well, they own them. - Tribes, I know. - And they'll let you know. - And everybody that picks me up is part of the tribe. I learn a lot about the tribe. I know about the Mohicans and from all the way to a lot of me's and Wisconsin. - What's interesting is they have very strict rules about drinking. That's like one of the things-- - Depends on the tribe. - I used to work, when I started in Tucson, I'd work the Sholo Casino, the Hana Casino in Sholo, Arizona, which is a patchy reservation. And you go up there and they go, you don't drink on stage, you don't drink before you go on stage, you only drink after. Which at first I was like, "Look at these Native Americans fighting back "and then you go, now it's comics, that blew that." - Yeah, that's more of a performer than it. - We fucked that up. - That was it. - That's on us. - That was on American history. - That was a firewater. - Right. - That was the white man being fucking blacked out when I was doing this. But it, um-- - I remember I did one with Roseanne in Minnesota. This was a long time ago, like 20 years ago. And she kept going, "Hey, little one, you want any vodka?" I'm like, "Nah, I'm more of a beer wine person." But they couldn't understand why she kept offering me vodka. Well, then the show was over and I go out to what appears to be a bar. - Sure. - It was trickery. I go up and I'm like, "Hey, can I get a bud light?" And they're like, "We don't have any alcohol." I'm like, "What, what, what, what is. " And then I started looking closer. They were all non-alcoholic beers or tea. Or I'm like, "Oh, you know, okay. If you're not gonna have the drinks, that's one thing." But they put a fake trick bar here. Well, I got so excited. And then I'm like, "Where's the closest beer?" They're like off the reservation. I'm like, "How big is the reservation?" 300 miles, like insert, I'm like, that was the only time I like that. - They go, "Why do you think we're on the reservation?" - I'm like, "I'm an alcoholic." Like, my foot started twitching and I heard 300 miles. I'm like, "I'm going back to Fine Rose Ann." And I'm gonna learn to like vodka. - But that's what it, like. - Tonight's the first night. - There's a Denver comic. I love them, still friends with them, Troy Baxley. - Yes, I know Troy. - Yeah, I used to open for Troy. - Oh my. - And so when I would open for him, he'd go, I was drinking, we'd drink together. And here'd go. - I could only drink with Troy to a certain tipping point. - Yeah, I watched him put away a bottle of whiskey one day on an empty stomach. And I was like, "I think you're a machine." But Troy and I, before we, that casino that I was telling you about, he went, "Got a drink in the room before you go down." And I was like, "What do you mean, drink in the room?" - Tealgate by yourself. - And then he's like, "That's what he called it." And he goes, "You want to tailgate the room with me?" And I go, "Why are we tailgate?" And we're going down to a show. There's a bar and shit. And then we went down there and they're like, "No drink before." And you're like, "I feel like a lot of 'em though, "didn't have liquor licenses." And I feel like a lot of 'em have been since updated that. Like that one of Minnesota now that didn't have, they do. - Yeah. - And that's probably what it is. - I think they weren't because they were bingo halls, a lot of 'em were bingo halls to start with. And then they graduated to-- - Like slots? - You could have slots, but you say that you can't have table games 'cause that's a game of skill. I'm like, "Well, then you have not seen me play Blackjack." There is zero skill involved. If anything, it's anti-skill. Like I literally cannot add. So then the table came later. And now I feel like they got, I mean, if you were like talking stick, it's got still. You don't even know you're not in Vegas. I mean-- - Well, I remember like you, the river in Phoenix, you would go and there was like limited table games. There was like stuff. It's always weird when they go like, you could play up to $5. And you're right, then you come back 10 years later and they're like, "We got our licenses." - I think it was just a process. Like in the Midwest, we had to start out. This is all the Catholics trying to trick the Baptist. - Sure. - And we get some of the Jews on our side. We can wrangle those Jews for teammates to go, "Come on, we're not living like this, right?" - Come on, we can't. - We can't cut off booze on a Sunday. What's that blue law, shit? - Why don't we have a ladder? - Did you guys have it in Missouri, blue laws? - Oh yeah, we had to go to Illinois. Which is right across the river. Right, so it's five minutes from where I live. - A lot of people that don't know what blue laws are. So blue laws were created for those of you that don't know. During, I believe when we were the 13 colonies and it was like a Puritan thing. - I didn't even know that. - I gotta look more into it, but the blue laws are how I grew up understanding them in Colorado, no booze on Sunday. - For sale. - For sale. - No. - You can't sell booze in a grocery store. You cannot sell it. It has to be specifically in a liquor store from this time to this time. - Yes. - And not on Sundays. - Right. - Not on the Lord's Day. I moved to Arizona for college. They're selling Jack Daniels in the grocery store. For ice. You can just pick up a jacket. - Yeah, that's St. Louis. - And I was like, well, let's fucking go. 'Cause we had three two beer in the grocery store. - Gross. - I know. - But when you're 17 and you wanna drink beer, you'll drink 20 of them to feel a buzz. - Well, how about when you go to Seattle and there's a state-sponsored liquor store? I'm like, what kind of communist bullshit is this? Why would you ever have a sale if it's the state selling? - Yeah. - Well. - So my Bud Light or my Miller Light's never gonna be on sale. And it's a separate trip. I'm like, look, in St. Louis, I can go in a grocery store and get every whiskey, beer, wine. I was shocked that there's states with these, they still, South Carolina still has a baby bottle. - That's crazy. - In the bars. - That's crazy. - That you get a, but it's-- - They just give you a little airport airplane? - Yeah, and they warn you. They're like, look, this is a shot and a half. So for every two drinks you drink, you really drank three. But I'm like, who is it? Strong Thurman, who's in charge of this shit? That's still getting a kickback from the tiny bottle. - Well, I'm a ton of bottling company. And that's why I've been getting my money since the '18, '96, when I was born, but it is-- - Somebody in Denver used to take to a stage. He goes, I like to walk down the middle of the plane and go, oh, I'm a giant. I'm a giant. And so stupid, it's funny. - There's nothing more alcoholic than someone side-sipping a tiny bottle. And then you're like, wow, you're hiding that. - Wow. - You are really, you got a real fucking problem. - And no one's gonna judge that. If you shoot 10 of those, and I'd be like, you good? - You ready? - And it always blew my mind, though, when I moved Arizona that I could buy just like beer at like just the Texaco. - Like gas station, right? - I was just going to get a 12-pack because I was so used to Colorado. The, I think one of the first times in my fake ID, I bought a 12-pack. I remember what it was. It was Milwaukee's best. - Oh, God. - And I drank an 18-pack in my dorm room, watching football on a Saturday, thinking, oh, it's like three-two beer. I bought it at a gas station, and I was blacked out. Got caught. My RA opened the door, and I was in a bean bag, and there was just beer cans. My roommate was like, my roommate in college was like, there's beer cans all over the dorm room, and I was like, well, yeah, I was getting drunk, watching college football. And I just, I had one bean bag that the Milwaukee's best 18-pack was on, and I was on the other one, and I just kept taking them, drinking them, and then putting them around me. And they, well, I remember, I think I opened the door, and I was like, come on, man, my RA was, because the door was open, and he was like asking about a hallway thing. - He can't ignore that. - He's gonna write you up, because he tried to hide it. - Right. - Now, yeah, write me up if you want. - Up to, like, when I moved to Nashville, this probably stopped five years ago. They still had a law on Sundays. I could buy wine. I did a big joke. I don't even remember the joke. Am I, I could buy wine. No, I could buy beer, but not wine. And then I went into this whole thing about Jesus, really liked wine, so I don't understand why. If we're gonna pick an alcohol to sell on Sunday in his honor, if this is a Christian thing, or a Baptist thing, it's always the Baptist. - That's what-- - I just want to take away all the fun. - So this is what we did in this-- - Catholics just want to go and get set about it. - We didn't make the fun. - We want to make the fun and get the bitch about it. - Feel bad about it. - Yeah, that's fine. We had to start out with Riverboat family. This is how we tricked the Baptist. We told him, you're gonna get on a boat. So it's really gonna feel like a dinner cruise, And it's three hours. and there's a maximum amount you can lose. And you've got a card, so the way the card worked, you could maybe, like, and don't think I haven't done it, scrounge around to see if anybody left their cards and machines, like if you're out of money. But I'm like, if you lose your $500 max in the first hour of the cruise on the Mississippi, the beautiful Mississippi, beautiful bodies and logs, you are no longer in a casino. You're on a $500 boat right in the dark. And you can't get off till it goes back. So then, finally, we were like, we trick, that's, it's entry-level things, you've got to entry-level them. We got that going. Then we were like, ah, the boat's broke. Totally bullshitting. Now the boat doesn't have to move. So, and about this kind of didn't notice. And then we're like, well, define a river. Yeah. It's sort of like making ponds. And then there's a harras. I'm like, there was no river there. We just done with the flooded parking lot led to the harras. Yeah, but then we just totally bypassed all their bullshits. It took like five years. Well, that's how it was. But now there's just full bone casinos in St. Louis. But that's how they were. Kansas City too. Because you remember, I mean, I remember when Casinos first started coming to the United States outside of Vegas and Reno and shit, and they were going, it's for the Native Americans. They did like that thing. See, we didn't even have that. In Colorado, it's inescapable that you're on native land. You've like literally growing up there, I would find arrowheads playing. We'd be out of the field and you'd be like, you would lose your shit. Because you'd be like, I don't know. Because you would find like a real one. I found real ones. Bullshit one. No, I found plenty of real ones in the woods in Missouri. By the creek beds. I always buy the creek beds. I don't know. Or in ours, it was a field where you could tell they were hunting. I lived like next to a large where I grew up in Southeast. I grew up in Aurora. It was still undeveloped. So you would like go out. And what we would do is we'd go look for bugs under rocks. That was like our, you know, or like an eight-year-old boy. I'd be a snake there, too. There weren't a lot of rattlers. That's why we were allowed to go. The snakes were all garden or they weren't poisonous. Yeah, okay. Because that's why people from Colorado, there's like guys that you could probably trace them back to fur trappers in the 15th century, like their family. They just know the land. And they're like, there's no rattlers over there. You can go play. So we would like go where. I'm curious. Yeah. You could just lift up rocks and see the bugs and shit, and then like throw it around. You just do dumb little boy shit. But you would find a real one. A real one? You would lose it. Keep it in your butt. Fight about it. You'd be like, I saw it first. But then you grow up and you start learning history and you go, "Oh." Yeah. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. This one. Oh. This might have been, I don't think it was, I don't think it was Mission Viejo the whole time. Turns out that was built in the 70s. Right. But there you go. I think this is, but then I remember in Colorado, they were like with Black Hawk and a couple other places. They're like, hey, we're giving casinos, but it's to the Native Americans. So don't get any ideas. This is just so we can give them some money back. A lot of money back. A lot of money back and everyone, you know, at that time, there wasn't so pinged left or right. So everyone went, even the conservatives were like, oh, that is a nice thing. Oh, okay. We should do that. And then everyone's like, we didn't have any Indians to give it to, so we had to make up excuses. Okay. What's funny is you watch the excuses they make because you go, it's, it's the equivalent of a guy trying to get late hours was tax money for education. Okay. There it is. That's what they did with legal weed and call. And I'm not sure they did that. I just drove through Colorado. The whole thing of their legal weed was 25% of it was supposed to go to roads and schools. No. Eastern Colorado's roads suck ass. So I don't think that's the case. Yeah. I don't, I don't know that we ever delivered any cash from the lottery or the casinos or of like, who are we kidding, we need to, this is Harris. This is a Vegas, like, these aren't mom and pop or somebody's going to go, hey, you guys always, you know, a 200 grand for last year, but it works just to get it going. It really is the, did you see, by the way, this made me, do you know this, this guy like, this guy Dave Ramsey, the money guy out of Nashville. What's all that clip? The young man, I'm like, wait a second. He's very anti-draft kings. He's anti-draft kings. Really? Very. I love it. I think it's going to be worse to Americans than the opioid crisis. Really? I think it's going to ruin an entire generation of, why is everybody losing? I'm going to tell you right now, Kathleen, you are a different ilk. What your idea of gambling is is not what this is in the same way that I grew up smoking weed with sticks and seeds that was like actual weed. Whatever this is now is a psychotic agent. It's like they're making it too powerful. Weeds got in a way from itself. Do you think it's because of the visual, you mean like the algorithms that just keep. I think right now the way you grew up gambling, and the way your family grew up gambling, or anybody you knew gambled. But I gamble all my phone with all these things and all that. Because I think you're a different generation. I think you grew up remembering the fear of a loan shark, the fear of a bookie, the fear of if I don't pay this something dangerous is going to happen to me, that is not in their head. Well, what do they think? What do they think it's going to have? They just go off their phone. It's a video game. It's like them playing solitaire. It's like them doing anything, but they don't realize it's addictive and you're going to lose your fucking house. You're going to lose your bank account. You're going to lose. See, I don't know one person. Like all of you. All of you. All of you. All of you. I can tell you five people. There's people in comedy that I know that I have problems. I know the people in comedy that are the younger guys that are doing it and maybe they're hiding it for me, but I haven't heard of it. They're not, by the way. A problem. As someone that is an addict and knows addicts, they're not a friend about it. They're not going to see you and go, "Oh, I know every gambler or smoker we all lie about whatever." Like, "Oh, or even to the light of the doctor, like I don't even care. How do you drink socially, but I'm stupid for social. You can't believe I'm social." God, when they listed it, I did it for real one time. I listed the amount of drinks I had and the doctor was like, "Dude, it was a free clinic. It's when I used to go to Bellevue. I used to drink 60, because I knew around every night I would have eight beers and eight shots, because I was a shot and a beer guy. And so I knew about, I would do about eight or nine rounds. And one time I was just in a bad mood, hung over, and the doctor was like, "How many drinks do you have in a week?" And I was like, probably over 115 and the guy was like, "Are you fucking serious?" And I was like, "I don't know. Are we rounding down or rounding up?" And he was like, "I always was amazed at the Texas comics. A shot and a beer was their thing." That's my thing. Their thing. Like, I never even. A Jameson or the Cold Budweiser was absolutely. Oh my God. Jameson. Wow. Like, I was like in like a lemon drop. Wow. I wanted a room. A vodka. I wanted a room temp. Jameson. You want to feel it go down and burn. That work. That work. And then I have a cold beer to chase it. I see. And I would do. Usually my hang was. I would do probably like two rounds of shots and a beer go outside smoke a cigarette. That's cigarette in the world. Oh yeah, I bet. And then I'd come back in and have another shot and a beer like a reward for finishing the cigarette. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love. Mac Weldon, baby. It's the winner. Doesn't mean you can't wear a Mac Weldon. Sure. Mac Weldon for their summer looks. But guess what? They got their new ace line inspired by their best spelling. But now they got their ace line inspired by their best selling sweatpants combines everyday comfort with long lasting and confident looks. So go upgrade. So go upgrade your collection for the new year with new bomber jackets, half zip sweats. Oh, crew necks. You can be looking more, be looking more like yourself and more like a more refined version of yourself. So go to Mac Weldon.com, get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with the promo code Dan. Go check out their stuff. And if you like it, go, "Hey, I'll take this and I could use 20% off." Mac Weldon's ace collection, comfortable anywhere. Go to Mac Weldon.com, get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code Dan. That's M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N dot com code Dan back to the show, baby. Nate Bargette and I, you know, he doesn't drink anymore and I don't drink anymore. But we were, me, him and Joe Liszt were like a drinking group with Nate lived in New York and Nate would always say it. He'd go, "If you cut out the shots, I think you could drink the rest of your life." And I went, "I don't want to cut out the shots." Well, yeah. I love the shots. The shots are why I'm here. What if you cut out the beer? You cut it. What about a non-alcohol? Real violent. I drink N.A.s all the time. I just couldn't drink it with alcohol because I would have- That's what I'm saying, though. You could have kept your shots if you'd be to go on a-- N.A. beers when I quit 13 years ago. Kind of gross. Sucked. I know, I'm on my mom's drink of duels. I know it's gross. I tried. I was just like, "I want to see what it tastes like." Heineken zeroes are awesome. Stella zeroes are awesome. I think that culture makes one now, too. It's not bad. Yeah. Athletic. Like, I can go to bars again because I can have non-alcohol-- Something there. And I feel like-- I don't think these kids know how to gamble right. I think it's-- I mean, I'm not-- I think it's-- An enabler. But-- I think it's infected sports. I would go farther and say-- Well, I-- I think you don't like sports if you gamble. I don't think you're a true sports fan. Well, well, no. Here's the difference. This is where I would defend that. If it's a game I truly care about, I do not bet on it. Sure. Because I don't-- Especially if I don't think my team's going to win. I don't want to bet on the other team to win. And although it's kind of a cover you're asking. But I, it makes me interested in games I would not normally give a shit about. So it's fantasy football. I feel like that single handedly saved the NFL. Why the fuck would I sit around and watch, I don't know, pick the Raiders play, who's the second worst team, the Titans? 'Cause you love football. No, no. There's no reason anyone would watch a game unless your child is playing. I would be. There would be no other goddamn reason. I know the guy who's the dad of one of the running backs on the Titans. He's like, yeah, I think I'll probably be the only one still watching. I said, well, I go down there a lot. You know, it's just fun. There's a moonshine 10 and then all my friends are down there. I think what it's done is, I don't think you're wrong. I think you're right about games you don't give a shit. It's fun to put some skin on the game and care. I used to like that when I was sitting around with a friend and go 20 bucks, I'll take, like Keith Robinson and I used to do that. We wouldn't even use points. I'd just go down and we go, all right, I'm gonna pick three teams. You pick three teams. Pick the winners, right? Let's pick the winners and let's bet. It was cash. And then you've got to come back down to the seller and give me my money if I fucking, if I win and vice versa. And then you might care about one of those games, it's a piece of shit game that you would not watch. These kids now, though, they're on their phones, nonstop. Everyone's on their phones. Fuck these kids. It's everybody. Everybody's on their phone, nonstop. And we, it's all a trick to get us to feel dopamine. They don't care about us. They're trying to get us to stay on our phone as much as possible. So, Draft Kings isn't the same as the guy you knew in St. Louis running numbers because you'd have to go to him and go, "I want the Cardinals and I want the Brewers and then you have to go to your closet for a loan." Yeah. I went through that. Yeah. Really, it wasn't really my cousin coming to me when I was bartending and going, "Kitlin, you wouldn't happen to have like an extra three grand." Yeah. I'm a fucking college. I am bartending. I am making $58 a night, Mike. But these. No, I don't. Oh, yeah. I do. I have three grandson around. No. But you see. But I'm like, "What happened to you?" But see it happened to him back then. Oh, yeah. He got in way too deep betting on baseball. And I think you get that times a million with these apps because these apps, you sign up, you link your bank account and now you're in it. And now they do these things where they have all these commercials, every comp, most comics I know are sponsored by a gambling app, do gambling app. And by the way, every comic that does a gambling app commercial, could you put a little fucking effort into it? Yeah, they're all. Jesus Christ. They're all pretty late. I'm watching all my friends. Can you see where they go? Where they're reading it like they're blind. This is every fucking sad that I see comics do. Hey, what's up, guys? I know you're really excited for that upcoming tournament. Don't forget to get fun action. All this. You fucking pimp. You're just pimpin' your fans out. I even think Jamie Foxx speaks. No. He just walks in a field of gold. Kevin Hartley. There's gold lighting and he's gold. The ones that I've seen where I'm like, "Oh." And Kevin Hartley, LeBron, or being charming. It's like you. And all buddy, buddy. Yeah. When you name. I can't believe LeBron. What game is you bet on? Kevin Hart, you see it and you go, "You're a billionaire." It was a joke that I put on YouTube. Why? It's like, "How much money's enough?" Maybe we could bet on that. I don't know. I don't understand why they would take the gig except I think they might like it. Like, I love. Then you should. You should. They should sponsor you. I have a speech for those people that's a good act because I'm passionate about it. This is. Think about dopamine for the young people. I guess I get it. I don't feel like anything on my phone is like this. I'm just saying right now. You sound like the kind of person that goes, "You should smoke in a hospital." It's a stress relief. I am good. And then we're going to grow up and go, "Member when you thought smoking in hospitals was okay?" I would have a show after intervention called the enabler where I teach you how to gamble. Do you know any people I've taught how to gamble? I know a few people I've taught how to play crafts and it is not fun for me to keep repeating this pattern of, "Here's how you play video poker. You should play double, double bonus poker. Here's what you should do. You want to go for four A's is fuck the royal flush." It goes on. Tell you right now, that is what I loved about gambling culture. When I learned how to play Blackjack, when I learned how to play crafts, when I learned what a par lay was, when I learned, when I learned, I had a couple of friends that went to UNLV so they lived in Vegas. So by your sophomore year at UNLV, if you're a sports fan, you might as well run a sports book. Because you can just do. Everybody, yeah. I would go up to Vegas and this is 2002 and I would go up there and they'd go, "Oh, we go to the off the strip sports book, Better Odds." And then you go to this giant room in a minimall and it's all these guys in Valour. But it was Better Odds. Way better. And affordable beers and affordable food and you're sitting around watching and. So he's got a hot dog and it is fun. But it was also the social aspect of having a beer and watching the game and then taking your ticket. That was my rule that I only bet on sports if you can give me a ticket that I can walk to a game. Well, that's where. Okay. So when I go to Vegas, I gamble like a mother fucker on sports. You go to the window. I go right to the window. Okay. I just had to fill it out. Because I like having that shorthand. I have friends that worked at the horse tracks in High School. Well, I was going to say you want to. That's gambling. If you want to say I'm the smoke in the hospital lady who's still sitting in the race horse racing book. A lot of guys. Yeah. Well, it's all old people. Yeah. I don't even think young people have a concept of horse racing. And horse racing. If you like gambling, horse racing is. Yeah, I used to go to the track every Friday with my dad. It's like wine. It's like you can bet on stuff and think you know. You can drink wine with a nice Italian dinner and think you know red wine. But then when you get into wines. Really a good red wine. That's horse racing. Right. Horse racing is like you're a sommelier of gambling. Of gambling. Because you go, "I'm not only going to hit the trifecta, I'm going to go for all of them." The daily double amp. But you also got to be able to read the racing form, like runs well in the mud. Like that's abbreviated. Exactly. So you need to know what all that means. I respect that. I respect. It's an education. I respect people that learn their vices. Like, if you have a vice and you've learned about it, I respect the fuck out of you. The reason I think. I came up to be at the track one time, he goes, "Hi, let me see your program." And I opened it. He goes, "Go to page six." And it was a list of the jockies. He goes, "Dave Gaul. See that name, Dave Gaul." He's going to win two races every night of his goddamn life here. Put all your money on all the races. Just bet on Dave Gaul. And I thought, "Is he right?" Like, why would he come up like a saint? Like it was like an angel. Because I'm wrong. I'm wrong, angel. I'm wrong, Gaul. I'm Dave's brother. I need some good PR. He's little. And he, dude, was right. He was? Yes, he was right. Like, what, I didn't. I'm bad at math. Sure. So I was like, "Well, wait. If I bet, you know, I don't have any money." Like, $20 a race, and that's times 10. That's $200. What if the races he doesn't pay, you know, you got to make sure he picked the one where he wasn't favored it. It's very complicated. This is where I will agree with you on doing so. And this make, because you're talking about getting the ticket. So, things occasionally, it'll go, "Hey, Kathleen, looks like you made a shitty bet. You want to get out of it for $30? Like, let's say, I bet $200, and it's clear I'm going to lose." Well, kind of clear to them. Sure. They're like, "They offer me an out." Yeah. But I think that was to appease the Baptist and shit, because then you can tell. It's always the Baptist. Yeah, the Baptist. Definitely. It's the Baptist. I love the Baptist. He goes on here, and she goes, "Let me tell you what, first stop, fought John and everyone after it." I love their food. Yeah. But they have wonderful Sunday food. But I think that was to say, "Oh, we'll let people get out of there." When I say, "Can you imagine walking up to a cage in Vegas?" Let's say everybody on the cowboys, and I put 500 bucks on the cowboys to win, and it's clear they're getting their asses kicked. And if I walked up to a cage in Vegas and go, "Man, I. " You really fucked up. What is 20? Is anyway, I can get like 80 bucks back. Oh, my God. The black lady with tropical nails behind the thing will go, "Miss, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but that is not how we do things here at the NGM." It would just be a draw. I ain't got the time. Next. Next. Do you want me to color 'em or not? You're gonna call us some chips or not. But it is weird that the first time that ever came up on my phone, I was like, "What? You're gonna let me out of a bet with some of my money back." Not much. It's usually like a pittance. Like, if you bet a hundred, they're gonna give you 18-- well, I don't mean eight. But that's what. That's trickery. That's trickery. That's trickery. I agree. That's just trickery. That should be acts from the thing. And it is, I think, if you're gonna gamble, it should be social. I don't think it should be on your phone where you can lock it away. Where you can keep it secret. And I also think it's-- But maybe that's because you drank alone. Yeah, I know. I drank alone a lot. I love drinking a lot. But you're right. It's probably gonna be projecting that, but I would say another theory of mine is that pose or culture has taken over the United States. So people, if you used to want to get into something like comedy, go hang out at the funny bone. And you learn how to do open mics. Right. And you'd be around it. And watch it. And then you learn how to do it. And then you fail. And then you become friends with people like Lewis Black and Ron White, who are-- and you guys are all-- all three of you guys legends and stand up. Because you spent years doing a road-- oh, I was in this gig and I did this-- And we lived together. That's why I have such good old friends. Yeah. Because we lived in these comedy condos randomly. You just get assigned to two more people every week. On Crunchy Cartoon. And for whatever reason, like, I was always with Ron. Love it. Or Foxworthy. And one of those two, I'm like, a bill angle. That's where the beer and the shot-- beer and the shot-- Ron. in a shot. I'm like, is everyone in Texas? This fucking drunk because I've seen you drink 16 beers Ron. I've seen you and you The mother fucking man and you're smoking cigarettes with me and the weed and and he did quit drinking though I won't give her a drink still zero. Yeah, whenever I go to the mothership There's still the zeros and I always make sure I don't drink too many because I know Ron those are wrong But then he came up to my house and he was there for like a week and I said to my younger brother He goes house rondo with the not drinking. I go good, but this is right when he quit So my mom went through rehab and all this stuff. So I do get the addiction they get it I go, but he's like quadrupled down on the weed and now he's kind of boring He just kind of stares off at this space. Yeah, but he's having a wonderful time on my porch But I'm sitting here waiting to go do something like come on. Let's take the boat out Let's go fishing like you or go golfing. I said wouldn't be bad to tell a lifelong friend Could you just drink like three beers? Yeah, I would never I would never They're all friends of mine, but now he leveled out, but I get it you quit something He needed to triple down for a hot minute. You just need to you know what you need to do You're just moving out of something so you got to put all your stuff on something else until it's gone and then you move it back Well, he went to the Costa Rican jungle and I go do you think this is a good idea at 60 something to go to a jungle I like it where there's no medical help anywhere around and you're a giant man who could have a heart attack and I'm not Predicting that I'm saying these are things to it worked though. He came back He said well, what did we learn on our high a lot this Oh, he did I lost oh yeah, and he just shit in a bucket. Yeah, a bunch. It sounds awful Yeah, it sounds horrific every time I've talked to somebody about it They're like you lay on the ground and puke and shit for like eight days and cry three days Yeah, but then they basically tell you you ring it all out of you maybe so when you come back Well, he had tried everything else, and I do get it. He's like maddy. I've been area the other I can't I'm not going back And sitting in beddie for order whatever whatever, but I said what did you learn he goes here? Did I learn did you know there's such thing as real holler monkeys? I go? Yes, I watched the nature channel a lot He goes no, I mean they're fucking loud even the other monkeys are like shut the fuck up All you remember Two weeks in a Costa Rican jungle you're shitting and puking and there's monkey screaming Yeah, like I know why I was thinking might be a little terrified Yeah, like they're that angry and they're going stop puking and shitting the monkeys are like stop That's what they're screaming about, but I think Like to my point of pull like pose or culture take over Yeah, what do you mean by that? I mean that like you can just be a poser now You can just go like I'm a stand-up comedian and put clips that you do in stand-up You've never done it. You didn't go to an open mic. You didn't go learn the thing Where would your clip be from then just you go into a comedy club and you go? Hey, I got 500,000 you know, you can be a stream. I mean like go up on open-might night. Yeah, but you're not really trying to be a comedian Or what I've seen in clubs is these people that have huge social media Followings that are like influencers and they go well, I'm gonna do stand-up because I can because an agent goes you know how much money you can make if you sell out Helium and then are they doing it? I haven't seen like it's bad. It's real bad But I mean like everybody in Nashville that goes up on a new interior Monday because I went down a lot after COVID I'm like I need to remember how to do my act sure I need to see shit again like I because when I'm off I'm off. Yeah, there's no comedy happening. I'm off. I'm fishing or golfing and I was like shit But I felt like every but I don't really know their process. I've never asked a door Everybody that went up was trying well But it's not LA or New York. I think I think I'm being I'm not talking about open mics I'm talking specifically about people that jump into stand-up from like TikTok. Yes, okay I know there's names and they put them in big theaters. Yes Well, they're all getting devoted though. I call them on Lampers. You get one lap around the country Yeah, I hope you saw every zoo you wanted to go to because you're going back on somebody else's dime Yeah, you're gonna have to pay to go back and go to that Omaha zoo that you fucking miss with the best girl exhibit in the United States It's great. It's great, but there is they they're all are dropping those so it's not working I know what you mean now, but that's what I mean of it gets people into a thing that you used to have to learn or be interested in to get into and that's what I mean about gambling gambling used to be Hey, my uncle runs numbers a culture. Oh, do you want to learn? It was a culture. That's exactly what it is It feels like the culture in the United States is is all turned into something marketable and flimsy and It's not just for the sake of it. It's not to do it anymore It's not you're gambling because you like to gamble because you grew up around people gambling You kind of knew how it all worked. Yeah, you kind of the intricacies of it So you get a draft Kings tool and it's great because you go look at this convenience of this thing I've done my whole life right I'd have to call somebody before and then you know I got to call Bob and then his book or Mike and my friends dad was a book that a number my my Grandpa sister went to prison for this. That's what I mean, I was a bookie and they she got caught my friends dad was a bookie And I was like do you miss it and he's like no, he's like no she loved it. She went back I did it again, but it's funny. She kept doing it She said he said that and then I walked away and I go hey dad says he doesn't miss being a bookie my friend He's still a bookie. Oh god damn it and it's like because that's how they heck I know but you know we still need them There are people who still like them. It's like the weed guy like when we became legal None of my pot head friends go to those stores and shit. They still have their weed guy run as weed guy It's probably 180 years old. I don't even know how but Ron's had the same weed guy forever and ever and ever He's like nah, I wouldn't trust anybody with my weed guy That's honestly can I tell you the thing I want out of success is not a mansion or I mean that would be nice But I want a weed guy. I want what Ron is a weed guy because I have to go to the stores and stuff But I want a guy that I know where he's growing it. I know what it is proud of it. And he's proud of it Yeah, there are those guys out there. Yeah, and it's just like I need to find I surprise in Colorado There weren't a bunch. Oh there were before the stores. Oh my god. You go to Boulder That was the thing you go to Boulder, Colorado and you get like fantastic weed You get like because that's why I like about weed people do because they're always so generous and nice where they're like You can't think you want some weed. I got none. I'm a waste of weed. I just fall asleep And I don't think I don't try at least once a year because it be less calories it'd be better than drinking and they're like Yeah, but you probably grew up on that Missouri dirt weed and you have my weed. I go that's like tell the baby You got to have my best whiskey. Don't do it. Just give the baby some well shit. They're not they're just gonna pass out Yeah, that's exactly what's going keep your good weed Yeah, I bet you whatever we smoked in high school was terrible I remember getting like I think it was just grand like I remember getting like thick patties When I lived in Arizona and you'd have to take the sticks and steeds out of it and do it yourself and then like roll roll like turn it into actual pile of pile and then you would put it and then you would and then that would be in the process of you putting it into something to smoke but then it got so You know commercialized and everything like that with Colorado and everybody legalizing it now that now you go in and you go like I don't even know if I can trust this shit. So you want a culture to come back. Yeah, I think you want to get okay You think I want smoking in hospitals. You want back rooms with like yes. Fuggy. Yes. Mafia people. Yeah, you fuck up hurt you. Yeah, okay I want the risk. I want the risk. Okay. Bring the risk back. That's your dopamine. Take the condom off. I want the risk. You want the dopamine. I want people to gamble knowing the risk of it instead of just going I don't know. I just fill out a parlay out Isn't it hit and it's also like Man, it makes everything suck. I watch ESPN and I'm like watching the NFL playoffs and I'm having a great time watching the playoffs And then they're like it don't forget these are our three prop bets of the week and you go you shouldn't even say in prop bets Well, I'm surprised they can't yeah I am always shocked when they go into the gambling part because I was like oh, I thought we were keeping all that no separate We're not I know that's my whole problem is like Fantasy football was the blowjob that gets you to gambling It just took a long time. I love that too. But I'm in time because you remember Was originally fantasy football. Yes, and they went Out loud and you can find it several times with we're not gambling This is just fantasy football and then they went gambling's legal they went yeah, we're gambling They just immediately were like we're just setting you up you were setting your mother fuckers up to be gambling and it is like Listen, I don't fault all my friends who do the shit because it is Money that helps you with this stuff Some people I go I don't think you need money, you know what I mean But I understand people that do use the sponsorship I just think we're headed towards Calamity what's next what what could define calamity what do you what do you see happening like kids going kids 20 somethings 20 something years old having no credit blowing their credit. We'll never be able to buy a house We'll never be able to buy a car. We'll never be able to fucking buy anything Because when there were 23 when I was 20 I was 18 years old. I went to a NHL playoff hockey game The coyotes were now the Utah hockey club and I want to know what's that they're the mammoths. Oh are they are they changes to the mammoths Um, I like it Arizona got ripped off. They were a good fan base. Yeah, they really weren't Phoenix was a good NHL fan base And they got fucked over on that. Yeah, that stadium was too far away though. Yeah, it was the ring. It was it was but I went And 18 chicken beers, hockey, having a great time. Walked by one of those credit card booths. You did not. You signed up. Signed up. Got a credit card. Went on eBay. Went online. This one, like I was this 2002. All-line shopping was like pretty new. Maxed out the credit card. Had no money. Chase got chased by that debt for like six, seven years. Well, it is also fucked up. They put them on college campuses. So once my brother. This is a way worse version. I get it. My brother is a financial advisor person. And at one point I was trying to buy a house. And he I said, I don't know, Pat. There's something wrong with my credit, whatever blah, blah. Like I don't. I said that he goes, man, you got to quit doing shots at this bar, banana republic. I go, it's a store pat. It's not a fucking bar. I go, I'm about putting alcohol on. He goes, how many bras? How many bras did you buy that you got the credit card? I said, I took it anyway. They offered it. It'd be like, hey, it's $28 off. If you fuck, why wouldn't I? And he's like, you got to get rid of like half the, like, but my parents should have taught us that. They did not. But they never, here's the deals we put too much on the parents that teach you not to do that. When there's like, there's people outside of your house that are waiting for you to fuck off. Well, I don't think my parents knew that they were at my mom didn't even know I had a credit card. And then, you know, I was paying for everything. I paid for my own college. I paid for everything. And then I called my mom and I'm like, I'm maxed out. It was $1,100. That was how much I maxed out the credit card for $1,100. And that was probably the end of the world. And my mom went, what the fuck? How did you get a credit card? And I was like, I was drunk at a Phoenix Coyote's game. And you only think, I think you only have to be 18. That was 18. You had to be 18 years old to sign up. So are there on campuses? Yeah. It should be 18 and you sign up. So I signed up, got fucked. And I just remember talking to the guy at the fuck, at the agency that was coming for the money. And he was like, listen, man. Well, there's your dopamine. You want a guy that's going to hurt you? And he did. And he was like, you're fucked. He's like, you're fucked until you pay this off. And you're going to be fucked after that because they know about it for like five more years. And Bobby Kelly was the first person to help me get my credit back when I started headlining. Bobby Kelly was like, all right, dude, my fucking credit was fucked. Here's what you do. Get an American express card because you have to pay it off monthly. He's like, and have it linked to Delta Sky Miles and take as many Delta flights as you can, especially if I say ever got fiscally in comedy. I got my credit out of the shitter. And I got, I'm like status. I got a bunch of fucking. So you think the dressings, the parents don't even know the 18 year old sign and up. No idea. Or is it 21? I know. It might be 21. You can be 18. I don't know. I want to look that up before I say anything publicly, but I would say I think I would think it'd be 21, right? But it's similar, dude. It's very similar to like, and their parents don't know. No. I know people who's who's who's significant others don't know that they have. Well, I know more that. I know a lot of dudes on the road that are like, hey, when shows up, don't mention the parlay's and yeah, I got it. I got it. And I'm always here to first as young people. But well, these guys are fairly young too. But I mean, the married people, I know there's a lot of hiding and a lot of bullshit going on. But single guys, comics on the road. I don't, I don't know. I just don't see any despair. Listen, if you got 500 bucks, this is how I feel about casinos too. If you got 500 bucks to go below the casino, go below 500 bucks. I don't give a shit. When you're taking your something that's reserved for something else because you go, I can win that back. I can win that. Oh, they're going to give me 30 bucks if the fucking bet went wrong. It's just built for these guys to get sucked in and then have no way out. But it's not, there's my favorite line from 30 work when Chevy Chase is the doctor. I don't know. The normal Donald movie, 30 work. I don't know if you've ever seen it. It's great. It's him and already, it's him and already lying and they do a revenge business. But Chevy Chase is a doctor and he's a gambling addict and he keeps bringing up things he gambles on and he goes, I don't know, you know, the bills, something, something rocky in the second fight of Rocky three. And normal Donald goes, you bet against Rocky in a Rocky movie because hindsight's 2020, my friends. But he has this line that always makes me laugh where he goes, you know, the crazy thing about these bookies, you lose the money, they pay them back, they still break your legs. And it's like, but that's a broken leg will heal, but your credit might not ever. It could be a seven year journey of undoing all that. And it's just because you watched Kevin Hart throw a touchdown pass to LeBron on a sound stage going, bam, sign up today, get $300 for free. And then you're like, and then you're fucked and then you just fought and you can't go to Kevin Hart and go, hey, let me get that seven K. I lost because, you know, I don't even think they're thinking about that. I had never thought about it. Honestly, till the Dave Ramsey tweet came out where he was like, we're poisoning it. But here's the other thing Dave Ramsey, Mr. COVID, everybody has to come to work. Old people included. I don't care if you die. Ramsey, you are the party of personal responsibility. So you can't be saying this because you're the one that says, okay, okay, Dave, then how about alcohol? How about weed now? I mean, which is the worst? Is it gambling? Is it alcohol? Is it we could go on and on and on? You can't just pick my favorite and say it's got to be knocked off the list. Fuck it. Take weed off. I don't give a shit. Take I don't care about pills. Take those off the list. Why not? I can take pills far. I was addicted to perks. I was 14, but my mom has a closet full of garbage that they don't even make that anymore. But those pills still work. Let me tell you one. I could go in there and eat a thousand today. There's one time I got my grandma's and I found a thing of something called something sand. And I looked and I was like sedative. And I was trying to quit drinking. I took one of my grandma's pills and I was like, you what is this? She was like that. Do you know what my medication was for after I had kidney surgery? There was like to calm her down. And I was like, oh shit, I took one of them bad boys and melted into the couch. But then I learned my lesson because I go, you don't go digging around me and his medicine cabinet. No, I don't say anything that ends with Pam. Pam. Pam. My mom will fuck you up every pill ever. And she's like, die or what? Madigan, if you can get it, take anything with the ends and Pam. I'm like, because you are a drug addict. Yeah, I don't believe they're all just melting to the couch. It's cool. If it ends in Pam, you're going to be sleeping. Well, you take, I remember I was just smoking cigarettes. It was like, there was a, there was like four months that I quit drinking and I still smoked cigarettes. And I was at my grandma's house in the Bay Area, her townhouse. And that's when I did it. And I remember it was like college basketball or something was on. And I went and I wasn't like watching this like a Louisville game. And I was like, yeah, I smoked cigarette next. I smoked cigarette and I came back in and I was like, I feel like a trillion dollars. And the next thing I know is slept on the couch. It's like eight hours. It's the opposite of the opposite of cocaine. It was a while. It was, but honestly, when I was outside smoking, because I remember in a little courtyard in town, I was just feeling like fantastic. It could be in like all Lucy Goosey. I'm like, I remember doing that thing of going like, I might take the whole bottle with me. But this is what's up that I fucking went back in the past. But my thing is just, I don't want to poison my young brother. What about porn on the phone? I mean, yeah, I'm listening in. I don't, I can handle my porn on my phone. I'm not addicted to it. I just saying, but where, where are we drawing a line here? Yeah, I think you are because I think if you look at, just open your eyes to it, start seeing how in everything, I'm going to look at every opening ax phone when they when they go on stage. I'm looking at their draft Kings account. By the way, they're doing a different thing now. They're doing a thing called. Have you seen that? No, there's a, there's new stuff where you can gamble on during the golden globes. They were doing a thing where they're like, if you think you know the winner, sign up for this gambling app and fucking bet on the winner of the best actress in a comedic series, that's straight up gambling attic behavior. That's like when the guy's like, I'm going to, I'm going to gamble gamblers, gamblers anonymous and they said, I can't gamble. You want to gamble on if I keep going? It's like that level. We're getting to like, well, come on one more. Why do you think it's actually poison sports? Like, why does that affect how someone's playing? Do you believe it's fixed for all this? Yes. Oh my gosh. You guys believe all that? Here's my thing with that. I believe you are going to find out in years because also it's already been proven that the NBA had refs gambling on it with that whole Patrick Donigan or Donovan. Yes, we, right. But real, I mean, look at the money that we're accepting. It was I have a friend that is changed. I'll put it like this. I have a friend that is an NFL coach. You just got fired from the Miami Dolphins. He was the head coach of the Miami. I know, I know who that is. Yeah, Mike McDaniel. Yeah, I grew up with him since seventh grade. I've known him. He's been a coach in the NFL for 20 years. I watched him as a coach, level up in ranks or whatever. There is an immediate difference from when gambling apps hit. He gets death threats. His family gets death threats. People around him get death threats in the NFL wants to keep this on the fucking law. These players and coaches are receiving death threats because people put it to fill these in back in the eighties or nineties that pitcher had a leave town. The guy who lost the World Series game. Yeah, he had a move. Why is that any different than what we're saying now because it's every player now. It's every player. It's not Bill Bockeman. It's not a fantasy I get it. It's all because it's everywhere now. It's not it's not Steve Bartman going over in the Cubs and knocking it over and he's got to leave town because Cubs fans are like, fuck you, you ruined our chance for a world series. It's a fucking it's Raiders Titans. No one gives a shit. Now cam wards family's getting ready. I can see that. I can see that. I found his wife doing things with the fixing if we're talking about scores as I was saying to my other brother who's like a moron. I'm like, look, there's only two outcomes. Yeah. Okay. That is true. Either they go over three points or they fucking don't. It's your job to figure out how you think they fixed it. If you think it's fixed, we still have a 50/50 chance of winning the bet. It's just which side. I will tell you right now, I feel like the scientists that no one listens to in the beginning of the movie. I feel like the scientists with the crazy glasses and the weird hair that goes, that volcano's going to erupt and everyone goes, shut up old man. This is the best beat resort in all the world. You're coming into the party at 10 o'clock and I'm 17 and you're calling the cops who all got to run and leave the yard. I've got to defend. Yeah. You're the man. Yeah. I'm saying in another keg, I need 20 solo cups. We're going before my parents get home at midnight, drink fast. And right. And then when you, when if you listen to me and you don't go down with these, and you actually can't hopefully buy a house if the housing market are we going to find out? Is there going to be like gamblers anonymous over a pack? There's going to be a lot of side. There's going to be a lot of heroin use. There's going to be a lot of crime. There's going to be a lot of, uh, do you think this will come to a player actually getting hurt or a coach actually getting hurt? Yes. I think someone will get hurt. I think a player will get hurt because of someone's gambling debt. I, I, I, I, I don't want to promise that because that's a horrible fucking thing to promise. Right. But I think that will happen. Encourage those. I've heard rumors that people are joining ice because of gambling debt. What? Because they're getting a $50,000 bonus. Oh, you do. And it pays off their gambling debt immediately. Is it true that ice is only down to 47 days of training? I don't know. That's some shit where you can't even believe the news anymore. But I know as bartending school is six weeks. Dude, just, just saying Alpac, Alpac, you had to do five follow shifts and that took at least six weeks. What are you talking about? You want to train an athlete's cattle company ahead of you? I had to be a trainee. I read Robin. I don't learn what it was in the seasoning for at least. I don't know, man. I just feel like I see what you're saying. And I, I'm empathetic to these people because I don't, I, as someone that grew up without a doubt that was misled. Maybe you have to be over 40 with that. Make you feel I would love that. If they over 40. Because you're saying anybody my age knows the old culture, your age, you know, the old culture. So we're already all in at the race track. It's just an extra fun thing I have at the track. Yeah, that's it. It's just an extra fun thing. And it's craps me over Vegas. I can't use draft kicks in the MGM sports book, but I can't use their app either. Yeah, it's funny because they got no mother fucker. You want me to fucking get up from this comfortable couch and walk away over there. I'm giving the same company the money. It's the same company. He wants to do it. Yeah, I'll do it. I'll stay right here. I got a cold beer. Somebody's gonna take the seat. You know, they are. Yeah, they are. And sometimes you have to pay for those couches. I know, I'm gonna, I know this sounds unfund and I know this makes me sound like a fucking nerd. I'm just saying we need to watch out because shit. And you personally know people. Yeah, I can't say it on my podcast. Yeah, it's not a thing where it's going like no one got damaged. It's it's all very secretive then. Yeah. I mean, maybe my nephews in their 20s are I bet I know they have it. I bet if you kick around, I bet if you kick the tires around a little bit, you'll find out it's a lot more around than you thought it was. All right, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start interviewing every comic. We'll just go like you are. If you see that gamble go half knew you and half knew you lose. I don't well, all gamblers lie, but what I don't lie. I'm like, no, if I have a royal flush, I'm like, yeah, it's four grand. It took me 8,700 to see that. Yeah. This is how you know a real gambler, like I hit a royal flush once and I went, finally, that's not the appropriate action to wait for a thousand dollars. You got the emotion you're looking for. You're supposed to be going, I'm like, put a half way back. It's gonna be a long night. I think younger me is pretty bummed out that I have that opinion, you know, because I always wanted to be fun and like fuck around and fucking a gamble and shit. It just feels very nefarious how they're doing it. Well, I think the other way it seems. Nah, the other way it's got character walking into a back, fine line between character and nefarious. When you're walking in and your legs may be broken. Yeah, buy some guys. I'll tell you the nefarious. I think the mob is better than corporate America. Nefarious to me is corporate America with a smile on their face. Going like this, I understand there were, but there were terms and conditions and you sign the terms and conditions and you have to understand something we're gonna but fuck you in court. First is a guy going, buddy, you don't got the money. I got to break your fucking legs. That's not nefarious to me. That's. Well, I feel like that mob is doing super nefarious things also with me. Like we're all in it together and I do not feel like the corporations, aside from fucking us, I don't think they're doing anything nefarious and their human resource department. What's exactly? They do that clean. The mob doesn't have human resources. Yeah, because they go like, oh, I understand that you're, I heard your app wasn't working. How can I help that? Fuck you. You don't want to help me. You want to take more of my money? You want another deposit? That's like the mob going, you're a good guy. Yeah, you try hard when they pat you on the head. That's the corporate going like, I'm sorry. Well, sometimes the mob will give you one more chance. There's always the chance they might give you one more chance. If you have to get, they can't. Come on, let's pray to say Gabriel or whoever is in charge of gambling. Who is in charge of gambling? Let's pray and go, look, just give me one more baseball game. One more baseball game. I'm so happy. I do like though that you've pushed back and you've made very good points that like, I could be, I could be chicken little right now. You could door dash six packs to your house. Is that bad? No, you're right. It is. You could, you could take anything and make it bad. I just think we're headed for trouble. Some of us. Fuck Dave Randall. Some of us build really good parles. Football was golf. That's the key. Listen to me. Listen to me. You're going to retire from stand-up and have one of those green visors on and go, have you seen Kathleen Maggins new fucking gambling show? It's taken over. I was obsessed as like a 21-year-old. I wanted to be a pit boss. I was so obsessed with crabs. Yeah. Well, really, I wanted to be a jockey because like, I don't, people go, oh, I know, I look super good in green satin. I mean, watch out. Good hair. Come on. I already have my outfit picked out. I'm like, I'm going to be that check. The diamond print pattern. It's going to be green and white. You already know it. Fair by track and Illinois because people are like, oh, with comedy, do you feel like, you know, your dreams came true? I'm like, this was not my dream. Yeah. There might be some funny lady riding a horse somewhere right now because I thought I was going to be a jockey. And then I thought I was going to be a pit boss, but I can't do math. Yeah. Those guys are like fucking human computers. It's crazy. And then I wonder like my one nephew's autistic and he's super, super good at math. Not everybody is like not just putting everybody that group. But I wonder how many of them were autistic. And that was just easy for them. That's what how do you look at that whole on a Saturday night when there are every numbers got money all over it. And they know every fucking chip. I'm like, I guess they're not posers because they're in the culture. They know how to do it. They came up. They were dealers. They were, you know, stand and I would just have loved it. If I could do math quickly and accurately, I mean, I can't do it at all. But if I could just do any of it, I'd prefer if you were my pit boss. If you come over and go, you got like this, I don't know. You know, it's put out for crap. Go on your phone. Yeah. You look like crap on your phone now. And we'll give it 30 bucks. But see, I don't even know how to do that. Yeah. Like I know there's, I won't say the same, but there's a comedy. And he literally plays video poker on his phone. I don't even know is, but is that real money? Yeah. You got to put money on there. You know, there was an interim to this. I remember my younger brother loves gambling too. And he's like, I got this website in Burmuda. That's what the Burmuda website, by the way, was the beginning. Yes. I said, Patrick, I don't feel like we're going to get our money back. Yeah. We're just going to send 500 boxes some fucking dude in Burmuda. And that if I win the Raider game, we really think he's going to send me 800 back. My friend, but I ended up losing. So I never found out my friend. Well, your money's in the Burmuda. I hope somewhere somewhere in Burmuda. Some dude down there's very happy. Kathleen Madigan was that dumb. Kathleen Madigan is one of the best standard comics of all time. Her Amazon special family thread is streaming now. Go watch it. You've always been so fucking funny. And as a comic that loves this shit, it was an honor to have you on. Thank you. And I'll be watching betting on the game today. You will Houston. Houston. You got Houston in Pittsburgh with the weather. No, Steelers. Steelers take the points. It's Steelers plus three and a half, which are giving it to the home. You got to wait on that though. Don't bet yet. Wait until it's closer to the time. Let's let's do an old school bet. I'll just bet you off line. All right. I'll bet you offline I'll mail it to you I'll put it in paper like my grandma would do I'll wrap in a lot of loosely paper so they don't steal it so the mailman doesn't steal it I'll right exactly though look through it exactly I still have my communion money like a thieves you're the absolute best thanks so much for coming on 20 bucks yeah all right 20 bucks I have Houston you're a Facebook no points no points just money line just pick and pull let's go