The Diss Track, Vodka Eyeball Shots

(upbeat music) - Hey, I'm Tara Saravan, and you're listening to World's Dumbest Criminals. If you're keen to hear about the most ridiculous, bizarre and downright stupid criminals and crime stories in the world ever, you've come to the right place. In today's episode, you'll be hearing about a wannabe Welsh rapper who tried to fire bomb a rival MC's place, but ended up setting fire to the wrong house. A beautician court drink driving, who claims she only got drunk after she parked her car by consuming vodka through her eyeball and more. Alrighty, let's get cracking. There have been a lot of epic high-profile rap battles over the years, but this is not one of them. The media tended to report on this case like the guys involved were professional rappers, but that's a bit of an overstatement. Michael Jordan-Athernaut, whose MC name is Ath, has 15 subscribers to his YouTube channel. His former friend and now mortal enemy, Ricky Williams, who goes by official chronic, has 468 subscribers. Look, everybody's got to start somewhere, so I don't want to be too much of an asshole, but Ath seems particularly amateur. 15 subscribers is Pestio Mummon, little brother to subscribe to your channel, and then makes several accounts to subscribe to your self-territory. Why Ath and Chronic fell out in the first places of mystery? The Welsh wannabe rappers had been friends since they were teens, but grew apart in recent years. My guess is it was something to do with a girl or jealousy of the others' achievements, or both. While Ath's Facebook is full of selfies and videos of him shirtless and banging on about being fit, Chronic's actually has a lot of links to his music and collaborations. He definitely seems more legit as a rapper. The dispute between the two literally went up in flames in November last year when Chronic shared some of his music online. Ath then posted one of Chronic's songs on Facebook and made a bunch of negative comments about it. Soon afterwards, Chronic posted a diss track about Ath, which he took to be a declaration of war. So even though Ath actually started this dispute, he got all pissy when Chronic responded, "How dare you!" Unfortunately, Chronic's diss track has been removed from YouTube, but the post is still up on Facebook. I can't comment on the quality of the song, but it had one whole like, so it must have been pretty earth-shattering for everyone concerned. Next, Ath made his own version of a diss track about Chronic, which he posted on Facebook on November 13th. Except it's not a track. It's just him banging on, recorded on a phone, without music, like a lot of his stuff. My favorite part of Ath's songs are when he loses his breath and he just pants for a few seconds before continuing on. People edit things for a reason. In this track, Ath claims that he's so real that he doesn't need music or editing and then says that he's steaming drunk and is about to spit pure facts about his former friend. In the footage at this topless, wearing a gold cross on a chain and doing some hard man posturing, he's looking down into the side, though, like his delivering his smack talk to a toilet or maybe his cat. I have the audio of it, but the quality is tinny and they've cut out the swearing, which makes her a disjointed and confusing listen. I still think it's best that you experience some of its majesty, though. So let's have a listen. (laughing) During his rant, he bangs on about how he's gonna burn Chronic's house to the ground. At around the two minute mark, he says, it was me, yes, I did it, Judge. I don't regret a thing. I'm still bleeding not guilty. You can suck my dick. It's a hauntingly beautiful example of originality and the poetic nature of the English language. He truly is a wordsmith. At around 3am on November 16th, Ath decided that using his words was overrated and it was now action time. Full of rage, pierce and vinegar, he constructed a petrol bomb and made his way through the darkness to clean do street moristen, where he knew Chronic lived. Then he lit the fuse and chucked the petrol bomb at the front door of the house that he thought Chronic lived in, but he was wrong. Instead of setting Chronic's house a light, he'd set fire to a property that was inhabited by a woman he didn't know, named Helen Davies and her teenage son. One of Helen's neighbors heard the sound of a bottle smashing followed by running footsteps as our bad boy gangster friend Ath scurried away. Helen was woken up by her smoke alarm going off. She went downstairs to investigate and saw the gleam of burgeoning flames through the glass panels of her front door. Realising there was a fire, she woke up her son who'd been sleeping downstairs due to a broken leg and got them both to safety. The neighbour who'd heard the petrol bomb explode rushed to the scene to help. In an amusing twist of fate, he and Chronic's older brother, who happened to live nearby, put out the fire before the flames spread. The police were called and after speaking to residents in the area, they learned of the threat that Ath had made to burn Chronic's house down. Is it really that hard and gangster to make the cops jobs so bloody easy? At five a.m., the cops rocked up to Ath's place in Swansea. They knocked on the door and asked to be let in, but Ath told them they'd need to come back with a warrant. They were like, "The fuck we do," and entered the flat, which reaked of petrol. Inside they found a plastic petrol container, a lighter and burnt pieces of towel. The towel was later forensically matched to the material found at the scene of the fire. After getting all twisted fire starter on the wrong house, Ath took his diss track, which actually turned out to be a confessional track off Facebook. It had been viewed 71 times, spent 69 of those were probably him and the other two were probably his mum and his little brother. Come on, watch it, it's really good. Come on, watch my diss track. Look at it, it's really cool, mum, mum. Mum, come on. Watch my diss track, I need the views. Although he claimed in his little angry rant that he was going to plead not guilty and the judge could suck his dick, Michael Jordan, Athanort pleaded guilty to Arson with intent to endanger life and the judge did not in fact suck his dick. Among Ath's prior convictions were 15 offenses of criminal damage as well as low level violence. He was actually serving a suspended sentence for breaching a restraining order when he committed the offense. See, it's like he got the law-breaking bullshit tough guy part of being a rapper, but he didn't comprehend the hard work, discipline, talent and skill involved in the gig. To say judge Paul Thomas QC was not a fan of Ath's work would be a gross understatement. He'd seen the infamous diss track and he was not impressed. In sentencing, judge Thomas said Ath was arrogant and immature and he agreed with the pre-sentence report that stated he posed a significant risk of causing serious harm. Judge Thomas threw some epic shade Ath's way and read him to feel so hard, I'm sure it left welts. If anyone in this story is actually a talented word smith, it's Judge Thomas all the way. Before sentencing 25-year-old Ath to nine years and nine months in prison, shademaster Judge Thomas performed a diss track of his own. I improvised a bit of the posturing in this, but everything else is a direct quote from the judge. So here we go. Judge Paul Thomas QC's diss track of Ath. I just had to. Yo, yo, yo. MC Judge Thomas QC is in the his-y. Don't try me motherfucker. You do not want any of this. You were involved in a feud with fellow Rathariki Williams arising out of comments he made about something you posted. I'm all pathetic, childish reason. for acting if you did is quite frankly difficult to imagine. His gender acting has grown up you decided because you think of yourself as some sort of pseudo gangster to make a video. In that video you made threats to burn his house down again. It was as graphically threatening as it was "perfetically childish". You've followed through with your threats by going to watch you thought was his house and setting fire to it using excellence. Due to your incompetence you got the wrong house. It seems to me that when you can't have your way you decide to destroy things. Obviously you seem to think that you can get away with what you want because you're in some way a bubble of that. Being of course an important rapper. I should also note as well that your purest contempt for the police and for the courts was all too apparent in the video that I have watched. Nine years, nine months, motherfucker. An intelligence son of a lady don't use decelerates. Who's sucking who's dick now? I said who's sucking who's dick now? Voschisel, my nisel? 1443, stopping the vehicle central and 40th place. 1330 behind the unit. 30 year old beautician Chelsea McDonald was arrested for drink driving in Liverpool on November 13th, 2021, which as we know from the previous story was a very auspicious date indeed. A concerned member of the public had called the cops after seeing Chelsea driving erratically in her orange BMW convertible. Without indicating she'd pulled into a car park near the hair-enhance pub in West Derby Village where she'd met an oncoming taxi leaving the car park and blocked the road as a result. 14 seconds after she parked the car, the police saw Chelsea get out, do a little dance and hug one of her friends before the three of them began walking towards the pub. This is when the cops intervened in arrested Chelsea. Bodycam footage recorded by the officers showed a drunk and bewildered Chelsea asking what was going on and saying, "What are you arresting me for?" When they seized her phone she got pierced off and said, "Keep me my phone. I'm not doing anything wrong. What the fuck's going on?" One of the officers told Chelsea that she was clearly highly intoxicated, which wasn't a secret to her. She even said to them, "I'm so sorry. I'm so drunk." While she was being handcuffed by the police, she became enraged, kicked a PC in the chest and was subsequently put in leg restraints. PC James later told the court, "She was heavily intoxicated, slurring her speech, unsteadied on her feet and her eyes were glazed. She did not appear to be fully with it. She was not cooperative with the officers." A blood alcohol test revealed Chelsea had almost double the legal limit for driving. During a trial at Sector and Matta Strait's Court, Chelsea came up with a hilarious libra's r-excuse for her drunkenness. She claimed that she'd only had two drinks earlier in the evening and that she felt absolutely fine as she was driving. She said her friends were taking turns drinking from a bottle of vodka in the car on the way to the pub, and after she parked the vehicle they each poured a cap full of vodka into their eyeballs. Seriously? She said in court, "One of the girls said, 'Shall we put it in our eyeball?' Apparently it gets you drunk a lot faster than it does downing it. I was just excited. I could not wait to get out and park the car and be able to have a drink." In my fucking eyeball, Jesus Christ. Chelsea said that she'd previously drunk vodka with her eyeballs, and that it was painful, but not excruciating. As I mentioned earlier, Chelsea is a beautician. In the numerous selfies that she posts online, she's always wearing a ton of eye makeup, which cool, go ahead, but it doesn't seem like something someone who likes drinking vodka with their eyeballs would do. It admits with her makeup and her fake eyelashes would come unstuck. And the vodka would run out of her eye onto her face, because it's not like eyeballs have a very effective swallow function. The eyes are not the window to alcohol. It's also been scientifically proven that it doesn't get you drunk faster as not much alcohol can be absorbed through your eyes. It's not what they're for. Chelsea confessed that her driving was pretty poor and that she did not use her indicator, but she said it wasn't because she was drunk. No, of course not. It's that she just couldn't wait to go out after a stressful day. She recalled stumbling when she got out of the car, but she claimed that it was due to the pain in her vodka drinking eye. *laughs* The god heard that there was no vodka spilled on Chelsea's clothes or hair and her makeup wasn't messed up at all. Prosecutor Paula Grogon had a very easy time with this case. It was like taking candy from a baby. Hey, she probably could have slept through the entire thing and still won. Paula pointed out that it would have been practically impossible for the three friends to do the eyeball shots from the bottle cap in the 14 seconds between parking and getting out of the car. Isn't it wrong that I want to get a few people together and time this? Though look, I'm sure Paula's right and I have no interest in putting alcohol in my eye. I even find eye drops highly offensive, so yeah, that one's not for me. Paula told the court, "There is nothing to suggest that her eye is sore on the video and she makes no mention of it to the officer. This is because it's not true. It's something she has made up to get off this very sticky wicket that she finds herself in. She was not happy with the concept of spending a night in the cells." Chelsea's defense lawyer Keith Webster had obviously drawn the short straw to end up representing her. With not much to work with, he came up with a novel approach. He described her story as being so left-field, so painful and essentially so preposterous that she wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true. "Yeah, sorry, Keith, but I'm not buying what you're selling." Judge Christina Hilt told Chelsea, "We believe it is implausible that alcohol level could be attained by drinking in the car in the money you said." She was, of course, convicted of drink driving as well as being found guilty of assaulting an emergency worker. She was banned for driving for 18 months, sentenced to a 12-week 7pm to 7am curfew, she's so grounded, and ordered to pay £395 in fines. What I don't get is why she didn't just say that she had a huge swig of vodka after she parked the car. That's believable, and she could have done it in the time available, but I guess she was just too drunk to think clearly at the time. Please let's not have anyone tell Chelsea about butt-chugging. "2025's in route 1895's called 111st and 11th in the three way." To finish up, I have a few punchline crimes for you. These are cases with hardly any information available, and they sound more like jokes than something that actually happened. In 2017, 19-year-old Terri and Pouncy had the worst Halloween ever. He was in the process of robbing a Chicago hot dog stand when instant karma kicked in. Not only is karma a bitch, but it also has a sense of humour. Early on the morning of October 31st, Pouncy entered the hot dog shop, Maxwell Street Express, held a gun to the head of an employee and demanded all their cash. Both the workers on duty put the contents of the till and their wallets in a bucket on the counter. It was knocked over, causing the money to scatter all over the floor. Pouncy kept his gun pointed at the workers while he picked it all up. As he was running out with his ill-gotten gains, he stuffed the gun down the waistband of his pants and accidentally shot himself in the penis. He collapsed on the stoop of a house across the street from the Wiener dog stand due to the pain in his self-sabotage Wiener and was arrested soon after he was taken to hospital. "I got this code 440 of Place West of Central Suspects and Custoding." A wheelchair man claims his life has been plagued by relentless farts since eating a ham roll back in 2017 and is suing the stall that sold it to him for £200,000. 46-year-old Tyrone Prada said he bought the demonic snack from a Christmas market in Birmingham. Less than two hours later, he said he was struck down by cramps, fever, vomiting and death. diarrhea. His lawyer told the High Court that he was bedridden for the next five weeks, which is odd as Salmanella poisoning tends not to last more than two weeks. His lawyer stated, "The claimant continues to suffer from excessive flatulence, which causes him a great deal of embarrassment." The claimant's stomach continues to make frequent churning noises to the extent his sleep can become disrupted. The extent of the symptoms has been life-changing. Pretty sure he doesn't mean in a good way. Frankfurt Christmas Market Limited denies it was the source of Tyrone's stinky troubles and claims that there was no Salmanella bacteria at the Hamhock stall. However, an investigation by Public Health England revealed two cases of Salmanella Colosis were confirmed as originating at the stall between the 9th and 11th of December 2017. A total of 16 people complained of similar symptoms after eating at the stall, but none of them have been blaming their farts on it for the past five years. There's a missed opportunity. The company is disputing that Tyrone was infected by Salmanella bacteria and also questioning the size of his claim. Thus, this putrid legal battle will continue to be raged in the courts for who knows how long. His hoping if Tyrone takes a stand, he does so via a video link. In March 2016, a 52-year-old man went to Windsor Police Station in Sydney on an unrelated matter and ended up accidentally leaving his Bong and Cannabis stash there. Why would anyone take drugs and a Bong to a police station, I hear you ask? Perhaps he'd thought they'd be a long queue to speak to the officers and he planned on pulling a few cones in the waiting area. Or maybe it already had several hits from the Bong and forgot that he had it with him to begin with. In his defence, the Bong and weed were in his bag. He wasn't just carrying them in his hands when he rocked up to the cop shop. The man left the bag in the foyer of the police station and returned 30 minutes later to collect it. He must have been tossing up whether or not that was a good idea all the way back there, but obviously he came to the conclusion that it was. Unfortunately for him, the cops had searched the bag and found his stash and Bong. When he wanted back into the station inquiring about his bag, he must have had all his fingers and toes crossed in the hope of getting away with this illegal faux pas. But I wouldn't be telling you about it if he had. The police told him that not only were they seizing his Bong, and weed, no, but they also issued him with a cannabis caution. This brings me to the end of the episode. Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe if you want to stay up to date with all future episodes. And if you dug what you heard, please leave a review. If you'd like to support this independent podcast, head on over to patreon.com/worldsdummerscriminals. All levels get access to monthly bonus episodes and add free episodes and higher levels also receive some merchandise. I recently released a Patreon episode. It was about a drug-fucked bogan who tried to steal a koala from a Queensland zoo to swap for drugs, but gave up after it scratched the shit out of him and stole a crocodile instead. A married couple with two young children who had their quiet, law-rabiding lives in Nebraska turned upside down due to the peculiar kink of their revolting neighbour. And more. If you want more dumb criminals and pictures of my dog in your life, you could follow me on Twitter @wdcriminalspod and Instagram @worldsdummerscriminalspodcast. Or you could join our World's Dumbest Criminals podcast Facebook group. And thank you very much to the wonderful Lorraine Leadwell for running the group with me. Stay tuned after the closing music to hear a promo for the True Crime podcast method and madness. Till next time, look after yourself, stay out of trouble and whatever you do. Don't commit a crime that makes you end up on this podcast. Hey there, it's Dawn, the host of Methoded Madness. Yes, it's another True Crime podcast, but hear me out. Fascinated by human nature? Ever try wrapping your head around why some people do what they do? On Methoded Madness, we'll dive deep into the evidence, explore the why behind the crime, all the while recognizing that the victims are real people. And these aren't just horror stories, but horrific true events. Methoded madness available wherever you listen to your podcasts.