The Decider

Today's episode has some strong language and deals with adult themes. The truth. At the top, it's a full moon! Apple, it's the very beautiful. Mankind's most noble goal. Y'all are great. Thank you very much, Johnny. Forecast, showers and thunderstorms today with strong, south, westerly winds. There's nothing on it. Go the guide. Go the guide. Talk shows, sports, news. No. Angry teens? Yeah, let's do that. Not cool. Cool. Oh no, there's a fashion panic marathon. No. No. Please, please, please. Fine. Yay! Thank you so much! I love this! You're truly only. Wait! What? patio nightmares is on the renovation channel. I thought you wanted fashion panic. Is that better? It's fine. I don't care. You pick. Oh, we still have to finish celebrity jail. Great. Let's do that. Oh, when else am I going to get you to watch fashion panic with me? Then let's do that. No. Food Zone. Oh my god. Where are you going? Hey, babe, should we just not watch TV? Because I feel I had this whole weekend and I didn't do any writing. Babe? Here. Happy birthday. What? What is this? Don't know. Don't know what I'm waiting till tomorrow? Just open it. Thank you. Welcome. A decider? Yeah. It helps you make decisions. Like having a new car. I'm going to get a new car. Yeah. Like having you seen the commercials for this? No. I was like, Mallory needs this. Wow. Using mind-scan technology, the decider tells you how satisfied you will be with any potential decision. That's crazy. No way can they do that. We're very, very able to. This thing isn't cheap. But open it. Open it. I didn't want to see how this works for like a month. Okay. What if you could predict your own happiness? Carry the future in your pocket. Never make another decision alone. What if you had a device that could tell you exactly how satisfied you'd be with any decision you make? I'm Jonathan Mitchell and today on the truth, indecision is a thing of the past with the decider. Now back to the decider. Open it. Open it. Okay. It looks like a little time. I got you or something. Okay. Hold decider in dominant hand and consider any decision. Your personalized satisfaction score between one and one hundred will be revealed on the digital display. Where is that? Oh wow. Okay. What if we watched fashion panic? What did you say? 79. Is that true? I mean, would you feel 79% satisfied with fashion panic? Probably. What if we watched celebrity jail? 42. Oh my god. That sounds right. Can I try? Yeah. Diamond hands. Should I take banjo lessons? Ever wrong user? Oh, whoa. That's crazy. I think it imprinted to me. I always like a little baby duck, like a little silver baby duck. Oh, I love it. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Wow. It gets like me making all the decisions for the foreseeable future. I'm so sorry. It's fine. Just making form decisions. Okay. Wow. Let's ask it some more stuff. What if I went to the gym right now? 87. Okay. I got the gym. Let's go. No, no, no, no. Let's go. I just stayed home and watched TV instead. 58. I mean, that feels like you should go to the show. No, no, no. What if I became a vegan? Oh my god. 73. That's hard though. What if I stabbed my eyes out with this pen? Zero. I'm asking, we should go to the dinner tonight. Oh, what's the name of that place? The new place on 15th Street. Can we go to the new place on 15th Street? Oh, 85. Great. What if we could get higher? Let's not tell ourselves short. I mean, keep in mind, this is how happy you will be with dinner. What if we go to sort of Oce. 62? Let's just go to the new place. Okay, we could do this forever. Okay, fine. So, is this one 85 dinner feels like? Yeah. I mean, this burger is incredible. It just, it makes me wonder, like, if this is 85, I can't even imagine. What a 100 place would be. But, like, 100 isn't a perfect meal. It just means you're 100% satisfied. So, like, that just means that you have zero regrets. So you're saying that I 15% regret eating here. Yes. And that makes me wonder what I don't like about it. Well, I guess, you know, there's only one way to enjoy something even more. What? Just to spend the whole time wondering what you don't like about it. Okay. So then, if we do that, then maybe we'll get down to what? 72. And then we shouldn't even come in the first place. Okay. Can I have a break? Yeah. Thank you. Good morning. Birthday doll. I got a poll, okay? Hmm. Why are you leaving so early? I have a big project, too. So I need to make up time. But you have a birthday day, okay? I do, okay. What you can do? I'm going to sleep in forever. Good. Oh my God. What? It's Tom. He just texted me. Dana called in sick and he wants me to come in and cover for her. Did you tell him it's your birthday? Yes. Of course I told him it's my birthday. Oh, getting in Tom? Tell him you can't do it. He's some guilt trippy. That dude. I gotta go. I gotta go. I love you. We'll celebrate tonight. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Why are you? There you are. What if I quit my job? I'm not going to be able to do it. There you are. 96? Whoa. I can't argue with that. Okay. Okay. 96. 96. Tom. Hi. I can't come in today. I'm not going to come in anymore. I quit. I'm quitting. Well, I can't. I can't give you two weeks notice. Because I don't want to. Maybe just a tip. Try treating your female servers with some respect. And then maybe you will get some real respect back. Okay. Bye. Oh my God. This is what 96 feels like. Oh my God. Oh my little D. My little decider. Oh my God. Little D. I can do whatever I want now. What have I never done that I have always wanted to do? Oh, should I go to Coney Island? Oh, should I go to Koni Island? 89? Let's do it. Should I get that giant pinio colata? 74, who's good enough? (buzz) Oh, that is strong. Should I play that water gun game? 98, shut up you liar. - Anyone you want, anyone you like? - I'll take the giant banana! - That looks right, somebody own it. - I always wanted this banana! - Should I get a hot dog? 95. - Mmm, so good. - What now? Who should I go to the aquarium? 42. - What if I go to the Humane Society and play with puppies? - 87, this is the best day! (laughing) - What if I went to that new exhibit at the Met? 91, doing it. What if I went to a different ramen place for every meal? - 97? - I'm truly living my best life. - What if I tried Zumba? - 80. - What if I tried cocaine? - 53. - Okay, that's interesting. - What if I walked down the street naked? - Six. - What if I went to the M&M store? - 74. - What if I went to the Bronx and bring a tiger costume? - 69. - What if I went to the restaurant and said, "I'm so curious." (upbeat music) - Hey. - Hi, how are you? - I'm tired. How are you? - I'm so good. I took a crochet in class today. - Do you know that you could take a crochet in class? - Yeah, no crochet in classes or things. - And now I'm cooking chanam masala. - Oh, that looks good. - Yeah. - So, and you luck with the job search? - No. I had to decide to read about some different jobs, but the highest I got was a 58. So, I don't know. If you think of something that I can do and have time for writing, just let me know. - I did think of something. - What is it? - I remember my co-workers, so whom? - Yeah. - Well, he is his wife, Emmy, works for this website, foodster. - Oh my God. - You know what? - Yeah. - Well, they're looking for a new food blogger. - Oh. - So, I gave her your writing sample. - You did? - Yes. - Is that okay, I'm sorry. - Yeah. - And she said you can meet with her if you want. She liked them, so that's good. - Oh my God, you serious? - Yeah. That's a dream. - I know. I mean, I can't guarantee anything, but she's super cool and like, you've actually met her before, if you remember. - Yo, yeah, no, thank you so much for doing that for me. - Of course. - Thank you, I love you. - I love you too. - Which way do I go to the interview? - I wear my green dress, pantsuit, jumpsuit. - Ask about T-Virt's, I feel like they're coming back. - I'm working. - Sorry. - That's how I feel about ramen. Like, I see it and I just like, I turn into a total monster. (laughing) - It's embarrassing, but it's chill. (laughing) - I get it. - Anyway, listen, I just wanna be completely honest with you, all cards on the table. We need to fill this writer's position like, - Yes, for me. - Okay. - But I love your writing, I love your whole jumpsuit vibe, I love your awkward, but on purpose hair. - Oh, that's so excellent. - Yeah, so I just think that you would be so great as our bowls editor. It's like you would be doing like listicles of all these yummy foods that come in bowls. So what do you, what do you think? - You wanna pay me to list things that I ate in bowls? - Yeah, and just talk about how yummy they are. - How? Is that like for blood sugar? Are you checking your blood sugar? Hey, how'd the meeting go? - It went really well. - So what happened? - She said the job was mine if I wanted it. - Oh my God, that's amazing, congratulations. Why didn't you look happy? - I turned it down. - Why, what happened? - You're not going to like why? - Why, just tell me. - I got a bad number on the decider. - Man, well, you're not supposed to use the decider for big life things. Which never, it's never been wrong before. - What number did you get? - I don't wanna tell you. - What did you get? - Can you please just ask me, it was a 78. - A 78? A 78 is great. Like I would love to be 78% satisfied with my job. - Well, I want something better than that. Don't you want me to be happy? - Yes, I do, but I also want you to have a real job, like an actual job and actually contribute to rent. - Oh my God, is this about rent? - No, it's, look. Mal, lately it's been like just skipping around, doing whatever, like suddenly the perfect life is just gonna happen, you know? But there is no perfect. 100% satisfied does not exist. And if we are gonna maybe spend the rest of our lives together then this has to really feel like an equal partnership. - Is saying you wanna get married? - Not now, okay? But someday, yeah. I mean, isn't that what you want? (sighing) - Is it? Did you just ask the decided if we should be together? What does it say? - 60. - Do you believe that? So why do you, what do you think? What's happening? - I'm so sorry. (upbeat music) - Okay, little D, it's time to get what I deserve. No one is going to tell me to settle anymore. So, ultimate goal, professional writer, how to get there, should I write a screenplay? 25, okay, so that's fine. Should I try to get work as a copywriter? 31? Should I go back to school for an MFA? 29? Fine, well, should I just call Emmy back and beg her for the food writing job? 10, good, yeah, I didn't want to anyway. Should I write and publish my own ebook? 17? What the hell, where did all my 80s and 90s go? I don't know, what if I became a trapeze artist? Join the military. Should I move to Mongolia and live in a yurt? Oh, just give me the answer. Don't they just have a model of this thing that tells you what to do? So, am I just supposed to quit trying to find a job? Should I just waste all my money until I die on the street? Zero, okay, great. Should I just keep trying and trying until the perfect job comes up? 22? What the fuck, man? Should I just accept that I'll be unhappy no matter what I do? Zero, great, okay. There are no options then. I'll just be unhappy and I won't like it. And that's my life now. Fuck that. What if I stop listening to you at all? What if I destroyed you? How would you like that? 100? I did it. Wait, really? 100, but what? I don't. You're wrong. Or you're lying to me. Can you do that? Oh my god, if you're wrong or lying to me then I should get rid of you. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Should I keep you? Zero, should I destroy you? 100? How about little D? I'm going to live without you, you're all I have right now. Oh god, but you're giving me no choice. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I have no choice. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do I do now? Fashion panic. I'm going to watch Fashion panic. The Decider, written by Becca Shaw and produced by me Jonathan Mitchell. Our story was performed by Tally Madell and Tim Platt with Kelsey Bailey. Special thanks to Magnet Theatre who offer classes and shows on improv sketch and storytelling in New York City. Find out more at Magnet Theatre.com. You can learn more about our show at our website, the truthpodcast.com. Our associate producer is Carrie Caston, our intern is Madell and Stofur. I'm Jonathan Mitchell and you have been hearing. The truth.