The Cost and Calling of Self-Awareness

Well, hello world. I've been working on this one for a little while. I've written it first because some people like to read and recording it now because some people like to listen. And I like to do both. It's been a day. This is called the cost and the calling of self-awareness. I've been thinking a lot about self-awareness lately because I've been working on kind of a daily inventory. And often self-awareness it's described as a virtue. Even prerequisite for growth. But in reality, I think it's a lot more complex and it can stress me out. The opposite of what I thought was the point of becoming self-aware. You know, at its core, I think self-awareness is the ability to turn inward. To recognize one's own thoughts, our emotions, motives, intentions, patterns. And then you gain a new understanding into how they shape your behavior and how you impact others. I tell the girls you have to enlarge your hula hoop. You know, it self-awareness sharpens your decision-making. It can help strengthen relationships. It allows for emotional regulation so you can just chill out instead of going insane and personal growth. Yet this clarity, this insight comes at a cost. And this is really the crux of what I wanted to write about today. You know, to truly see oneself, it is to confront uncomfortable truths, biases, stereotypes, blind spots, and character defects that my mind tries to naturally hide or justify through rationalizations. My human tendency is to protect myself. To believe it's them, not me. And the more self-aware you are, the more that disrupts that illusion. It's uncomfortable. But the good you purchase with self-awareness is undeniable. It creates a cleaner alignment between your intentions and your actions. It allows me to pause and not just react. And then I can respond rather than repeat previously destructive patterns. You know, when I really work at this mindset and practice this over time, that pause before I open my mouth typically gets longer. I think this new understanding that I've been gaining is a foundation of what we also hear in the program will call emotional sobriety. And for me, that feels like I'm wearing life loosely. And in my recovery and my program, this has become very evident. Because now I'm aware of the triggers, the behaviors, and the feelings. And this allows me to stay on course rather than go back out. And I'm not just talking about drinking or using again, I'm talking about relapsing into destructive ways of thinking and talking to myself. I think self-awareness builds empathy. Because understanding who you are, who you really are, becomes this path to understanding other people. And it teaches me to see those similarities rather than the differences. We repeat that all the time. And that becomes much more than just, you know, a phrase you hear around the tables. You know, doing it, this builds integrity. Because once you see clearly, you can no longer pretend that you don't know. And so self-awareness, it's not just insight. It is a tool to transcend, for transcendence. But you have to be careful. And this is the part that I've been thinking more about, is that there seems to be a little bit of a darker side with self-awareness, because it can also lead me to over-analyze things, to doubt what I think. And even this paralysis, if I don't balance it all properly, when I, maybe it's because I've been doing a lot more, maybe I've been doing a lot more meditation, right? And really trying to turn inward, that if you turn inward too intensely, you really start to judge all of your actions almost too much. You ruminate. I feel like maybe I'm not living up to the potential that I'm supposed to be. And so when you do these like rigorous inventories and then daily inventories, you see your flaws, man. And it becomes harder to ignore them. I know for some people, and I've had this happen, you get a little lonely. Because if you grow out of these ways of thinking and your behaviors change, that can separate you from the places you are going, the environments, the identity you had for yourself that you felt comfortable in. I think about it as it's self-awareness is like raising the bar, and it doesn't lower. You can't unsee yourself. And what's wild is, I didn't really start on all this all these years ago to try to find some pursuit of being wise. I just felt like I needed to do it. I was not happy with the way I was living. And these inventories, especially early, when you start doing these, you don't feel like you're getting this new self-awareness because you're getting stronger. It feels like you're breaking yourself down, especially when you're out there still using, right? Like you are rudderless. But as I did this rigorous and honest inventory, and I use those words a lot because I think they are the key, that if you really want to understand what makes you tick, you have to do that, and you have to be rigorously honest. In that process, it forces me to look at both sides of myself, the assets that I can build on, and those defects, those character defects, that I know had been driving a lot of my decisions. And if you don't have that collapse, some people call it a bottom, without being stripped of that understanding, that illusion that we had for ourselves, I would never have gained this level of insight in understanding of who I am. You know, that brokenness becomes the starting point to do like a clarity and new understanding. And then what happens is this gradual new understanding, it is not a one-time realization, but a daily practice. We talk about it in terms of a daily inventory, or I have to think about my actions, my thoughts, my motives, my intentions, and then how did I react in all of those situations. And when you do that, it deepens your awareness, and it creates something very subtle, but extremely helpful, which is this pause, and it's a space, you're creating a space between your impulse, what I want, what I really would like to say, and then what I actually do, the action that I take. And in that little pause, in that space you've created, you get to have a choice. And if you believe in addictions or obsessions, and really believe and understand it, you will understand that we, when we're active in those behaviors, have lost the power of choice. So there's freedom in this, real, freedom. And I think this is where growth actually happens. It's not just in knowing but applying what is known. So this leads to what? Right? Now I have new responsibilities. Because once you see the patterns, your impacts, your own tendencies, there's a layer of accountability with starts with yourself. You can't blame your circumstances or other people like you've always done to rationalize your behavior. You've got to own it. Awareness is ownership. And you ask that self, you have to ask yourself a question. Right? It says, now that you know, what are you going to do differently? And that is a gift and a burden. You know, it can be heavier at times because ignorance is no longer an option. But it's liberating. That's that freedom again because you get back power and choice in your life. Self awareness, it is, this is so much more than just like self improvement. It is a shift in how you live and navigate through life. So you get a have to be a little uncomfortable at times. You're going to have new responsibilities at times. That's a fair trade. Because for me, for me, this has been a path to a piece of mind, which I guard intensely. I love it. Peace.