The Cops Read My Joke Notebook w/ Sam Morril | Your Mom's House Ep. 881

- Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. - No, we have great pizza, but I'm garbage, and I like to have it in 20 minutes. And I like the consistency. - That's fair. You go thin crust? - Yeah. - Thin crust is pretty good from Domino's. - With Supreme, but I don't like olives. - I don't mind them. Those really shitty olives, I kind of like. The black ones. - The black ones? - Yeah, I kind of like them. That sounded racist. But no, I like the shitty olives for sure. - Okay, let me look at this movie. Oh yeah, so who's in, I don't even know who's in. - Oh, "The Odyssey" is good. You're just finding out about "The Odyssey"? - Yeah, I'm kind of, I've been unburied. - You are divorced, holy shit. - I've been buried, yeah. My life is a garbage fire. Okay, oh, Matt Damon's in this? - Oh, and he's ripped in it? It's kind of, it's also visually just insane. - I'm serious, this is the first time. I have just been underwater for months. This is amazing. - "The Odyssey" will make-- - Matt Damon? - Will make going through a divorce look like nothing. This guy went through hell. - Oh, Zendaya? - Yeah. - Zendaya? Am I saying it right? Somebody told me it's Zendaya. I fucking love her. - No, it's fun. And Robert Pattinson's really fun in it. - I love him. - It's a good cast, it's cool. - And Elliot Page. - Do you see him, he's getting all this shit from Chris Hansen for his new movie where he's Chris Hansen. - Oh, shut up. - To catch a predator. - Yeah, we've had him on "Your Mom's House" years ago. - Chris Hansen? - Yes. - Wow. - He's cool, why, why? What's the deal? - No, he seems cool. I mean, look, if someone made a movie about me and I was trying to stop and they made me look like the bad guy, I'd be annoyed. I mean, I get it. - Irked, slightly. - I'd be irked. I've been re-watching "To Catch a Predator" 'cause I never really watched it. So I was like, it's insane this show existed. - Yeah. - I watched one recently where he comes in, it's like a later season one, and he comes in and the guy's like, "Who are you?" And it bothered him 'cause he's like-- - Oh, he's like-- - In my world, in this world, I'm a big deal. If you're a , you should know who the fuck I am. Like he was offended. - You don't know who I am? - Yeah. - Yeah, oh my, he did the, "You don't know who I am." - And the best part, they blur the pizza box at the eating 'cause it's like a local spot who probably didn't want the bad press, but they don't blur the face. So yeah, they had to, yeah. It was funny as hell to watch, but yeah. I mean, this kind of looks fun though. It does look-- - Well, why did they put so much blush on him? That's creepy as shit. - They're trying to make it, like it's stylized. It could be a fun movie, though, it looks good. - So they make Chris out to be the bad guy? - Well, I think they make him like a psycho. They make him like a upset, I didn't see the movie yet, but that's what it looks like. - I think, but he had some personal drama. Like his son was kidnapped, no? - Really? - Yeah, we had Chris Hansen on years ago. - Was it before or after he became-- - Before, so this was the reason he got into this. - Wow. - Because his own child was kidnapped in public in a mall. It's not like they were neglecting their, am I being, is this correct, Josh? Just correct my facts. - I don't mean to be insensitive, but that's what you get for taking your kid to a mall. That's like, malls suck. - Like, no, but it was, yeah. The kid went to like a little play area and just straight up got kidnapped. - Well, that's why, that'll get you into it. Look, the show is cringe as fuck. - I'm in it, I'm in it, I'm doing it. I like it. - It is cringe as fuck how he just like sits there with them. I can't, I guess, 'cause we're like, imagine seeing a like, what the fuck? And now it's like, unleash all these vigilantes. - Yeah. - Like, you know, it's like, I don't know if that guy's guilty or not. If he's no good. - I like it though. Because what it does, it sets a strong message to all the other creeps. - Don't even think about it. - Yeah, it's weird. - But that's how we used to do. It's, you know, the guy that's doing monkey business and the men would go regulate in the neighborhood. Am I right? - I've never heard it referred to as monkey business before, but I like it. - Yeah, it's weird. - Yeah. Am I right? You're in here for monkey business. - Dirty monkey business. Yeah, I mean, listen. - It's also a terrible diet they have to live on, these pitos. - Well, how do you know? - Well, 'cause they're always bringing pizza and fast food at these places, you know? Like, I can only speak as a non-pito, but like, I can't get it up after I eat like Long John Silver's, you know? - And wasn't it always Mike's Hard Lemonade? Like, they were bringing like teenage girl drinks. - I was never even as a, I was even when I was 13, I was drinking beer. - Same. - 'Cause I just thought, I thought that shit sucked. I tried it. - It did suck. - And then you were like, I was like, you look like a pussy if you drink this stuff. - Yeah, it's super gay. And like, my mom used to let me drink Bartles and James wine coolers when I was nine and 10. Like, just like half of it, you know? And I was like, dude, this fucking sucks. Like, I wanna get ripped, dude. - It sucks. - You just knew it sucked. - And the taste of beer, like, I was like, I gotta build, I was like, I don't love it at first. And then you start to love it. You start to crave it. - It's so good. - Yeah. It's like a good beer, like European, like a lager. - Oh, yeah. - When it's nice and cold and it's in a pint glass in Europe, Eastern Europe too. - I don't really like beer as much as I used to. I just moved, completely moved over to hard liquor. - I'm strictly white wine. Like, I can't even drink hard liquor. I would fucking lose my- - Oh, I've heard this about you. Yeah, yeah. No, I heard you're a white, I think Rachel told me this. Rachel Feinstein told me you're a white wine drinker. - Oh, I love her. No, I'm such a mom. - She's like that too. - Yeah, it's a mom drink. Well, what kind of hard liquor? Like, doesn't the hangover way worser? - It's brutal. - Yeah. - But I think a hangover is a good thing because it reminds you that you're still alive. Oh, I was so hungover the other day. I was in Finland and I was just mixing every alcohol. I was just like, I was at dinner, they're pouring wine with my friend. Then they're like, "You have to try our horseradish vodka." I was like, "Is it a specialty of the house?" And they said, "Of course." And I was like, "All right, pour it." So I'm getting smashed. I had a show. And then the venue's like, "We're so happy you're here. We brought you a special whiskey." - Holy shit. - Yeah. They're so proud in Finland that they've invented saunas. That's where saunas started. So they're like, "It's made in a sauna." And you're like, "Holy shit, that smell." You think it's gonna smell like a man's balls, but it actually smells really nice. And you drink that and you're like, "It tastes so good." So then I'm sauced on stage and the crowd's sauced and the show is good. And then I get back to my hotel and the room's spinning. I'm fucking, I'm gone. I feel sick. I found an old expired nausea pill and I was just like, "Hope this works." - You travel with it, like a Zofran? I travel with that shit too. It worked for alcohol poisoning. That's a good to know. - Yeah, it worked. Zofran's huge. - Well, I'll tell you. Oh, I carry that shit everywhere. - I'm out, I gotta get more. I tried to get some from my psychiatrist. She's like, "I don't do that." I was like, "Well, you should." - Yo, but do you wanna know a fucking alcoholic hack? By the way, I've stopped ripping darts and drinking white wine. It's been three whole days. And Alka-Seltzer. You drink one of those before bed, you're pretty good at it. - Or any electrolyte drink, you're good. - You think so? - Yeah, I'll do any of those. The ones with salt, I think you're fine. Like L-N-T or shit like that. I'll pound one of those. You're traveling too, so I just like, I'm so used, you feel like such a piece of shit when you wake up in some random hotel in some random country and you're just like, "Ah, my leg cramps." You're just like, "This is rough." So I try to get ahead of it. But yeah, I was in every part of Europe. I was burnt out. I've been home two days. - Wild. - This month. - Wild! Sam Burrell, were you just cranking out dates? - Yeah, well, I did two and a half weeks in Europe of just gigs. - I wanna do that. - It was so fun. - So I did London this summer. - London's cool. - And I want to do Edinburgh 'cause I love Scotland. - That's probably the only one I haven't been to and I have to do it. - It's so fucking rad, dude. - I know. - The Scottish are rad. - It's like castles and stuff. - It's gothic as fuck. It's dark. - I love it. - But you were saying-- - That and Prague are like the two, but I hear Prague is rough. - Yes. - The crowds? - The crowds. The city's gorgeous out here. - Well, come on. These are my tribes. - Yeah. - But I wanna do Budapest and take my kids so they can finally see. - I did Budapest. - Okay, tell me about it. Were they nice to you? They can be kind of rough. - Excellent. They were great. I mean, yeah, you got Buda and Pest. It's kind of cool. You got the both parts. - You got that fucking Danube. - Dark place. You feel, I'll say this about Budapest versus like Copenhagen or other parts, like this part of the world, is like Budapest is like you feel the heaviness. - Yes. - Like they've been through shit. And then you go to like a museum. You're like, I knew you guys had it bad. I didn't know you went right from Hitler to Stalin. That's a rough transition. - Did you go to the terror house? The terror museum? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, you did? Okay, hot tip. If you go to Budapest, you have to go to the terror house museum. It's on Andrasy. - It opens with like a tank. - Yeah, dude. They fucking lowered that from the ceiling and they put a tank in. You've been there. I can't believe it. - It was beautiful. - It's my favorite. I can't even go to Budapest without just like, the minute I land in the airport and the smell, even like smoky communist smell from when I was young, going there as a kid, I just start bawling. And you can see the bullet holes still in all of these buildings in Hungary. This is it. This is the tank. - It's wild, yeah. - And they're just like, yeah, they like recreated prison cells. - Yeah, yeah. - All these like communists who spoke out. - Yeah, it's so exciting. - And I forgot the name of the communist party there that was-- - Znamfidesz. - It was like, it was like early 40s. They had a special name. Like it was, it was like, it's not Red Sparrow, but it's something like that. Arrow, maybe? Arrow Party. I think it's the Arrow Party. - Oh, cool. - And then, yeah, this museum is depressing, but then I will say the best meal of the whole tour here at a place called Rosenstein's, best meal I've had. And like, it's a thing, apparently. - Yeah. - Like Louis is on the wall. - Shut up. - Eric Andre was on the wall. All these comedians were on the wall. And I took a picture. I hope I make the wall. - You will, of course. Wait, so is it in the museum? This restaurant like nearby? Same area? - It's like a mile away. - Okay, now I have to do it. Dude, the Terrace, like I went there maybe, like when it first opened. Dude, this shit still scars me. Do you remember? - It was brutal. - Do you remember? - I felt the heaven. Dude, I went from there to Zagreb, and then I went to Warsaw, so I did the camps. And then I was like, this is a fucking dark trip. I was telling my friend, I was like, we used to party on vacation. just like getting sad all day like we used to drink at night because it was fun now we're drinking because i'm like i don't want to think about all the shit i saw but see you get the culture now this is like the background of everything in my fucking existence my parents carried this like this is a genetic darkness that i cannot explain it's to fucking white people man well it's a fucking it is in me i cannot not be bummed i'm on 50 milligrams of prozac it doesn't fucking matter like a good time though well because i'm hungarian because you know what they also do they're like yes the world is fucked up the russians fucked us the jack fuck this i'm gonna party let's get drunk and let's eat i mean it's like it's like russia without putin yeah and it's better looking the russians have no aesthetic in my opinion also you know there's no fucking aesthetic the fucking austrians i'm sorry but why don't you why don't you use some more gold jesus christ fucking design this place it's awful you didn't like did you go to vienna it was great great great city but the buildings i will tell you what i loved about vienna all gay and gold and shit it is it's too much gold it's it's tacky as fuck looks like snooki designed it with halloween around the corner i think we can all agree this time of year is supposed to be a little scary but the last thing anyone wants to find out is that their business is ghosting all of their customers nobody picking up or calling back means your competitor's inbox is filling up as we speak that's why today's episode is brought to you by quo spelled q u o the business phone system built so you never miss a call quo lets your entire team handle calls and texts from one shared number no more missed messages or disconnected conversations everyone can see the full thread of communication from wherever they are allowing for faster replies and customers feeling a priority and quos ai 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between refills actually get answered and treatment starts at just 35 a month no insurance or pharmacy trips required ready to regrow your hair start your free online visit today at hymns.com slash ymh for personalized care from hair to ed to weight loss and more that's hyms.com slash ymh hymns.com slash ymh individual results may vary feature products include compounded drug products which the fda does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness effectiveness or quality prescription required price varies based on product and subscription plan see website for full details restrictions and important safety information i liked uh i liked i went on the third man tour so i went on the world's oldest ferris wheel so i love the movie the third man with orson garrison where i had a lot of success with it and so i went in the sewers and shit where they filmed that but even he was where was that in in austria it's in vienna yeah oh yeah that stupid fucking yeah yeah yeah they love their ferris wheel it's from 18 how cool is that it's from 1897 though that ferris wheel and i was like i want to go my friend's like i'm not going i was like well i have to go it's from 1897 once i got in it's the oldest ferris wheel in the world so once i got to the top i was like i shouldn't have fucking done this i really shouldn't have done this it was terrifying it's huge too now like it's huge it's not a normal size that's the best part here's what i love about fucking eastern europe by the way there's this one amusement park in hungary called vidam will you look it up did you go there i think we passed it dude so like every time i go to hungary they take you to vidam my relatives take me to vidam there's fucking no safety belts this is in 1994 you you just jump on yeah like this reckless fucking post-communist there was no security bar on a roller coaster yeah they're like just hold on to the bar up here i'm like there's no my hands my hands were drenched i was so scared on this ferris wheel and i even asked google like is it scary they're like no it moves slowly and i was like that's why it's scary because it's going so slowly people there were people on there like like like fuck this a lot of people regret it but i'm glad i did it but look how rickety too these roller coasters are like i saw this in copenhagen there's so many like in-city uh in-city amusement parks and all of the bumper cars look like shit yeah yeah same in vidam yeah and not only that they don't queue up like eastern europeans don't like to line up really so they'll just like crowd around the bumper cars and then like the bell goes off and like people run out and the people crowd like you you got to be tough to survive in eastern europe yeah this is why these crybaby pussy americans oh my god oh my feelings over there it's so funny in copenhagen i walked by a uh just like one of those uh tourist merch stands and there's just a picture of of a baby donald trump with a rattle saying i want greenland oh yeah and i was like oh we're a fucking joke yeah that's a bummer it's been that way for a minute that's why i tell people i'm canadian when i travel i told my well last tour i went with my friend and we were both single and he was like we're in a bar in berlin and he thought it would be cool to be like i'm an american every woman was like go fuck yourself i was like yeah you're not picking up anyone with that i was like you're from winnipeg bro for sure for sure all right listen we haven't even i'm you're such a great guest i haven't even done the opening clip we've been chatting about the world for i can i can do whatever you want he's so sweet we did is it okay okay we'll talk about the cake was fucking fun so much okay but let's do the opening clip we got so much to get into first of all i'm not shovel on them you got i'm just you know what i'm just gonna let it rip it's the introduction one yeah fucking are you ready dude this is the notebook of the diary of the making of the movie i think i think this is such a cool thing i mean there's these very nice chairs right here we'll have to bring them back to you there where is he it's his house bro he doesn't even know where possible i haven't gone through all the movies but it's very possible that this is signs and it's possible that this is the first time that i kept a journal of every day of shooting oh wow i have to go look in the unbreakable how boring shelves and the six cents drawing shelves that's like something your mom tells you to do i think that you don't do sorry i almost fell asleep during that opening so do you guys have beef with just let the let the 10 minute intro play sam not today i mean i don't know how long this is going to take but i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i don't know how long this is going to take but i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about an hour and a half so i think it's going to take about amazed by what M. Night Shyamalan was sharing with you? - I don't even know what it was. Do you guys have beef with M. Night now? I don't really know. I guess I haven't followed. I know he's made some bang. I loved Sixth Sense. - Dude, everybody, yeah, you're right. It was Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and then just a bunch of turds, right? - I don't think I saw the rest, so I can't even speak of them, but I didn't want to see them. - No, neither did I. And you and I love that genre. We're Hitchcock fans. Like, why aren't I intrigued to. Okay, but here's the thing. We don't have beef with him. We just like to find people that have no idea how to do social media properly, like Garth Brooks. Do we have some Garth references to show our friend Sam? By the way, this is Sam Morrell, everybody. I haven't even introduced you properly 'cause I've had so much fun talking to you. This is your new stepdad for today, Sam Morrell. - Yo. - Hey. - Hey. - You've got a special streaming now on Netflix called Incorrect. - Yeah, incorrect. Yeah. - How cool. Where did you film it? - Tampa Theater. Cool theater. - Sweet. - Beautiful. And I feel like no one films specials there, so. You know when you're on tour and you just see a venue you like and you're like, oh, I'm coming back here. There's two others. There's one called Bijou Theater in Knoxville and there's one called The Moor in Seattle. And those are two that I'm like, oh, at some point I'll do one there too. But yeah, I clocked Tampa. It's cool. How big was the venue? Because that to me is so important when you're doing special. I think it's like 11 or 1,200. That's great. Yeah, great size. Not too big. But yeah, you feel like people are out. Yeah, that's really cool. That's so rad, dude. Oh, and also We Might Be Drunk, your podcast. Yeah, you've got to come on. I will. People ask about you. I feel like you're one of them. Yeah. Okay, I'll do it. I just have to – wait, am I going to Jewdork Titties? No. I've got to plan a trip. I'm sorry. I'm using my brain inside my brain to think about my schedule. Okay, so this is what got us on bad celebrities doing bad social media posts. Just watch how natural and cool this one is. This is Garth Brooks'. We're now on Facebook. I really wasn't sure about this at the start. But then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense. She said, think of it more as a conversation. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I love that he's not sure about – But I'm already finding it on my own. I love that he's not sure about Facebook. It's like – it's out there. You're on the fence, bro? I don't know about the internet, but some people are saying, you know, give it a try. What a fucking absurd thing to say. I didn't even think about that. It's a pretty big movie about it. I don't know about it, dude. It's pretty much – have you heard of Mark Zuckerberg? He's pretty big. He's like, everyone's talking about this internet. All these anti-social media people at a certain point are going to get like a PR team that's like, you got to do it. And that's what happens, okay? And there are some people that are naturally great at it. I would argue that Cardi B is probably one of the greatest social media. I don't know any of it. Fantastic. That's good. Bethany Frankel has mastered social media. There are just some people who intuitively know how to do this. She did one that bugged me, though. Which one? Bethany? Yeah. I don't follow. It comes up every once in a while. And it was her on like an Emirates first class thing being like, I am so humbled that I get to – I'm like, no, you're fucking not. You're showing off that you're in person. It's a humble brag. Yeah. If you're humbled – I wouldn't be like posting a picture of banging Sidney Sweeney like, wow, I am humbled that Sidney Sweeney sucked me off. You're showing off because not a lot of people get to do this is what you're doing. Hold on. Sorry. I got this text coming in. I just heard it. Sorry. It's – Bethany Frankel told me to kill myself. Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling. I told him I wouldn't suck his dick and now he just blows me up. It's so crazy. The minute you tell these celebrities – Is he like a celeb crush, Ryan Gosling? On me? Yeah. He's into me now because I was like – I just DM'd him and I was like, I'm not going to suck your dick. So I got Gosling on the roster and McConaughey. That's a good roster. Crazy. As a straight, I can respect. Yeah. Gosling's a fucking – There's something about that, dude. It's so hot. I like him. I know. And I just treat them like shit. I got into a huge fight with a girl I'm dating because she said he sucks. What? And it was like – I wouldn't let it go. I was like, he doesn't suck. And she's like – That's amazing. Yeah. And it blew into – and she's like, all right, clearly you're passionate about this. And I was like, watch a fucking movie with him. It's amazing. And now she likes him. Yeah, well, he can sing and dance and he's a great actor. She was like, I don't trust these Mickey Mouse kids. Fuck these Mickey Mouse kids. And I was like, you got to – Whoa. They were sacrificed for our pleasure. Yes, you have to understand they lost their childhood so we can enjoy them. Yes, 100%. Google – Look at what happened to Britney. I know. I agree. Those Nickelodeon kids, those Disney kids, same shit, right? That Hannah Montana, Zac Efron, who? How about that fucking – Who? Don't even know that guy. How about that – that doc was rough. That Nickelodeon doc? Not sucking Zac's dick either. Really? Is there something I should know about this? I mean, I'm just putting it out there. Was he not cool? I'm not going to talk about it. But I'm just saying, like, I am not sucking Zac Efron's dick. You're out there, though, now. You could, you know, technically do this. Wild in the streets. You are. Are you on Raya? I'd rather die. It's not bad. Oh. Will you recommend me? I will. I don't think I – I'm not on there anymore, but I could – I'll be honest. I think about it sometimes. Those are some good days. How would you – okay, I don't want to get into this. I can't. I can't. We have officially entered the season of The Witch, which means it's time to make my space look like the vampiric lair I've dreamed of since I was a young goth. Whether you're like me and always searching for dark decor to up the angst in your atmosphere or you've been needing to replace those chairs that are more for looks than lounging, look no further than Wayfair. 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Make sure you enter your mom's house after checkout so they know we sent you. helixsleep.com/ymh. Okay. Listen, just, I want you to, can we play another Garth clip so he can feel what I'm feeling? Yeah. It's wiping the walls out between you and me. And I really like that. It allows us into each other's worlds, or I guess in my case, hotel room. I have a real peeve of men taking videos in their hotel bed. Right? They think they're so charming. I know. I have the shirtless pics too. Just like, guys, just fucking chilling out. I'm like, no, you know, you look, you know, you're trying to sleep. You're trying to seduce us with your, with your stare. Your shirtless, your shirtless bed. Also, I don't buy this hotel he's in. This is, this is bullshit. This is where he's making some fucking like assistant stay and he's using their room. He's in a nicer room. I thought that too. Cause I'm like, oh, he's Garth Brooks. He is not staying in this junior suite. He's got the penthouse of whatever Four Seasons or wherever, Peninsula. This is, you're right. This is like the, the PAs. I know you guys have had longstanding Bs. I know you guys have had longstanding beef with Garth. Is he aware of it? Yeah. The, um, the national inquirer ran a story saying that he's livid. Wow. Maybe he'll write you a video from a different hotel bed about how angry he is. Or maybe I won't suck your dick, Garth Brooks. I think this, one of these is, what do you think of that? One of these is going to catch. Oh, for sure. What do you mean? One of them they all catch. Yeah. I'm not interested Garth romantically. Yeah. I'm divorced. I don't care. Is he still with Patricia? What's her name? Lakeisha. Oh, too bad. What's her name? I'm excited for these. What if I dated Garth Brooks? You in the streets is going to be exciting. Oh my God. Like when I was, when I was. Think about me, Sam? I think about the prospect of being single again and like going, like, you know, when I was in Stockholm, I was like, these are some of the hottest women I've ever seen. The most gorgeous. And I was like angry. I had a girlfriend. I was like, I was starting fights with her on the phone. I was like, I'm mad at you right now because these women are hot. I mean, you could be a piece of shit and just cheat on her. Nah. I feel like that's not even worth it because then you have to put your head up. You have to put your head on the pillow at night. Like how do you. Well, I was talking to a good friend of mine, a comic, I won't name him, but he's a few years younger than me. And I remember he's been in a relationship forever. Great guy. And he was like, how do you not cheat on the road? And I was like, I just usually jerk off before the shows, you know, and he was like, damn, that's brilliant. I was like, I don't think it's, I think it's pretty standard. He acted like I came up with some amazing idea. I'm like, no, you just empty the fucking chamber. Before the show. See, I would, I would. In the hotel. No, no, I know. Not at the green room. Not in the green room. Imagine that guys would empty their tanks after when you're relaxed and you're not trying to get ready for show mode. In my twenties I did both. Yeah. These days I, I pick one and that gets the job done. Yeah. That's very intuitive. I like that approach. Yeah. You just, and also you just think, yeah, it's not going to be worth it. Can I just tell you, and the millions of people are listening right now, since I've been getting a divorce, like so many married people have come to me and in confidence. either been like, I want a divorce too, I hate my life, or I'm cheating on myself. like apparently everybody fucking cheats on their spouse and everybody wants a divorce like so many people who i was like really that person that'll make you cynical i mean it's funny it's fucking me i had a rat in my home last year and everyone's hitting me up because i have a rat story in this special so everyone literally louis ck is like is this rat poop he just sent me from his apartment oh yeah i think it is and he texted me the next day he's like it was mouse poop and i was like but so many people i'm like the rat whisperer now yep you're the the aficionado and once you get rats brew i had a friend that had rats in her fucking attic homie like once they start nesting in your shit and frank situation yo not good what did you get rid of it are you done yeah we got rid of it uh i got really lucky i uh these exterminators came by with hockey sticks and found it and beat him to death that's awesome it was pretty cool you got to see its death uh i was i haven't played in a basketball league on sundays but they text me the picture and uh yeah it was pretty cool i would have liked to have watched it because they read such a lot of stuff about it and i was like i'm not gonna watch it again i'm not gonna watch it again i'm not gonna watch it again i'm not gonna watch it again i'm not gonna watch it again i'm not gonna watch it again i'm not gonna watch it again i've had rats i've had mice i've had fucking all of those critters and i hate them so much and i'm also on a really high floor so it was a bummer but uh yeah not good does that mean that they've infested all the floors leading up to you as well i think in new york they're just like i started a bunch of exterminators and they're like they're in every building everything they're like even like you think you're in like a five-star hotel they're in the walls there's any opening so so yeah they found him and uh they fucking whacked it good he looked like pesci at the end of casino good satisfying pretty happy you can fucking try me fat so um uh what was i gonna say yo i was in um an alleyway in chicago just ripping a dart in between my shows i love the when i want to rip a dart will you bring me a dart when you when you smoke a cigarette are you buzzed or do you do it sober that well i'm gonna do it sober right now with you wow but i usually smoke a cigarette i don't even smoke but i'll smoke a cigarette yeah yeah let's smoke babe no i get ripped in the i smoke i then i smoke wow i don't really do it what kind of cigarettes you smell marlboro lights right now all right yeah fuck it but i didn't tell you my story out of solidarity i'll do a divorce let's go bro let's get fucking it's my year um dude i saw rats that were like new york style rat like as big as cats in the fucking garbage dumps in this alleyway in chicago and uh the rats in uh new york are pretty significant too london new york chicago you see some fucking gnarly rats and uh god i love chicago i don't like the weather i would kick it there more if why do you think they're all alcoholics it's fucking they're so cool though i love them they're so real my type of people i adore it's a weird combination of like all the good parts of the midwest yeah i really love yes because they still talk shit they're not like too polite where they don't talk shit because they have all the sports teams they have to talk shit oh i like that but you know what i just was in judork titties for one night because we did new york city have you heard of it judor titties i didn't put it together judor titties and i um for one night for for like a ymh event and i was just sitting on the stoop and you know how i was ripping darts on the stoop just drinking and i met like you know so many fun people like you little kids drinking like young 20 something year old and then a gay guy walks by and is like you look amazing and then you come talk to me gay guy and now you're talking about this and then it's just so crazy there like it's so i love it i'll never leave new york there's something very special about yeah there's something very special about the way new yorkers communicate yeah i'll take one what the hell have you ever smoked i've smoked on a couple pods that where you can drink i don't i've never had a sober cigarette in a podcast well you should get drunk too can we bring him a drink what do you want to drink sammy i'll only drink a few drinks you yo the poor osos shouts out it's so clean it's like drinking if you drink with me all the drink i can't i gotta do something come on i don't want to drink alone i'll pretend okay bring me a drink too for fuck's sake you know i got a tesla i'm not saying that it's better to have a tesla when you get ripped and it drives you home but it's okay of course it's better for safety reasons alone that's great that's kind of a sales that's a selling point you can't get fucking don't you get mad when you see a celebrity gets a dui you're like yeah what are you doing you're rich okay well you know what even makes me more upset depressed fat celebrities like get fucked if you're a millionaire and you're still fucking depressed also but i don't want certain celebrities to get too thin i do i like them i think thin is much better i'm from the 90s straight up i'm kate moss team k yeah but you don't want character actors to be too thin no i'm not saying character to be a rail never i'm not but i'm not talking about giamatti i'm talking actually okay i'll take back the fat thing the depressed one the celebrity that they want you to feel bad for them it's like no no no if you're a millionaire you're a millionaire you can afford therapy you can afford a trainer a private chef you can get you can get your fucking life together and you're still not getting it together yeah that really upsets me you hear that lindsey clancy you should have fucking you should have figured it out oh is that the mom that oh that was she should have killed the husband not the kids that was her big mistake i'm not and by the way i can't even deal with infanticide cases i can't i get too sad it's so sad i mean i made a bunch of jokes about it but i'm with you it's fucking it's terrible it is a terrible thing yeah you know what i did i did one thanks for bringing it up i did one i i dana did a live show love dana my boy i love him but he did a live show i bombed one about her so fucking hard he was quite she was asking dave hill about he's in like 10 bands he's like what's your favorite band and uh i said you know who loved bands is a lindsey clancy silence i've never seen a room full of people so angry at me um what was i gonna say so dana dana gould for those of you don't know who that is uh was a brilliant writer right is he still doing like yeah tv writing and stuff he's wrote on the tv show ted which is i think i think maybe the best comedy on tv i loved it uh great it was it was a spin-off of the movie you know ted it's great and then he's writing on stewie the new stewie show but he wrote on the simpsons forever i developed a show with him years ago that went fucking nowhere but it was so fun to work with him and he's just such a talented and he's such a nice guy too my favorite dana gould story because you just said you haven't you've only been home for two days and like there is a point where as a stand-up you lose your mind you lose and not only that like yeah i don't even smoke cigarettes but i'm like what does it matter my brain is mashed potatoes anyway right now exactly you get like you just you get nihilistic you get bleak because the the the thing with stand-up is people don't really understand i don't know if they do or not but the the reason you get paid a lot there's a few reasons but one of them is that you can be funny on command for two shows a night for a week for whatever and you you can just have gotten the phone call that your mom died but guess what you're gonna have to go out there and dance monkey oh totally and that's happened to all of us literally like my mom died i was at montreal i kill my mom just to make sure i could i gotta make sure i deliver you know oh you're the fucking best so do you know the dana gould the famous story where he's on stage i am fucking i hope i'm not getting this wrong dana gould and he just broke he was like i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done and he just got off stage wow that's some larry david shit went to the bet went to a bathroom stall and was like i'm cooked i can't fucking do this anymore and i'm like how many times have we wanted to all do that he did it so shouts out to dana gould about it but i also just like i take pride in burning a show to the ground like when shit goes really badly i will go longer sometimes because i'm like fuck you you're not gonna ruin my night i'm gonna ruin your fucking night i really thought that there's there's a story in the special where i do that i really got fucking furious at a crowd and i did an hour 38 in the show because i was so angry i love this and i and i i don't have an anger my anger comes out like this i'm not like a screamer i just keep i'm i'm quiet your quiet rage i'm calmly telling you you're garbage yeah you know but i i kind of like it i love that yeah i ate shit in london and then at the end i was like i fucking hate you guys you're the worst crowds ever and then page six covered it some ratted me out yeah and they were like she bombed talking shit about her husband and then she called us fucking the worst audience well that must be tough working out material about the divorce because you have to work it out i know and then if you misstep of course you're gonna misstep of course it's raw it's a new thing like and and the thing about a breakup of any kind i mean divorce is on another level but a break of any kind the dark shit it's it's funnier to you than it is to them yeah because they're worried about you i bet you're getting a lot of these right now like oh and you're like shut the fuck up the fuck i'm fine i'm doing this is i'm figuring it out yeah but yeah i've definitely said shit about my life that is too dark to them yeah but i have to you know i think them saying awe is them caring but i'm sure you've gotten that right um yes but i will say that i've what i've noticed about stand-up is like if you haven't processed i forget that this is one of my favorite podcasts i've ever done already i'm a pig oh yeah we're the best by the way cheers cheers i'm so glad you're here to better things forward and uh life and everything being great you know um under the terror house museum fucking shouts out that was that was a good shit dude that was i felt the heaviness bro it's so you know what else i'll tell you about like you go through these streets in budapest and they're these huge sidewalks and they're desolate and then you go to a place like copenhagen or amsterdam and the sidewalks are this fucking big and everyone's trying and you're like this is hell yeah but like i'll tell you a crazy thing about fucking copenhagen i did a joke on stage silence it's been hitting i get off stage and i said the promoter what the fuck and he goes uh yeah the age of consent here is 15 yeah and i was like what and he goes yeah they're trying to make it lower i'm like who's they but my dad because i my dad used to tell me this all the time and i was like what the fuck are you talking about he's like this is 18 is too old yeah you you back in europe you have sex i know some fucking comedians who should move over there jesus christ wait was i gonna did i say that point that i had about not processing emotions oh if i haven't processed the emotion yet i can't joke about it so by the time it's that makes sense it's a joke it's it's processed i have been like there's a few sets where i was too angry and and they read the anger yeah but that has to be you know what when you go into to that personal place like of course you're an entertainer first but when you go into a deeply personal place there's going to be some some muddiness and some filth and you have to get through that yes and that's that's why that when you get the joke feels so good because you're like i went through the fucking mud of it and now it it works yeah but you're gonna get some you're gonna get some beautiful shit out of this i know and it's gonna be it's gonna feel great and people and they're rooting for you to get there i agree and you will but it takes those i mean you got to just try them in the smaller rooms first so that they don't so they don't write a fucking tmz article about it well like what i've been doing now when i start my set is i go if any of you fucking got me out fucking just dm me dm me directly write to me i'm at amy schumer and you fucking let me know poor sorry amy i'll change the name i got no beef with amy um but yeah hey can we talk about hold on let me just do one thing um i want to see this we got to do something in the yma my newest piece the infinite pocket jeans this pair of jeans consists of 41 fully functional pockets you need 41 built-in pockets behind pockets let's see what these pants can hold a wallet a marker a fork a digital camera a flashlight a pack of gum a roll of tape a stapler deodorant a notebook a screwdriver a remote a phone keys notepad more keys pliers screwdriver headphones a trophy a hat glasses spools of thread chapstick pin cushion pocket knife tape measure eraser paintbrush bottle opener clothes pins sewing needles a brush and parmesan cheese packets fuck yeah okay i love it respect carrying a backpack or purse problem solved he's fuck a trophy for the thing that no one will ever lose because i go into airport security oh shit what a fucking dipshit well i hate carrying a purse so i might give this a shot and i like that he's a fan of the show mad respect sorry dude it's great i love it yeah he's a ymh i think it's really cool i might i might rock it sometime do you know that sarah tiana one of my favorite humans i love sarah she carries um ranch powder flavoring with her at all times ranch ranch she loves because she's from the south and she loves ranch so i would go to like movies with her and she'd take it out and shake it on her uh on her popcorn and shit she's funny man yeah she's she she has i don't know she has some fucking great roast jokes on me once i was cracking up i was cracking up i love when you're when it makes you laugh she's such a talent she's such a fucking and she's a good human too very uh what is this and her husband's cool too you hear that finally you hear that i can i could i could have done that with my old tits that's the sound of my uh secret talent i might need a pants with a lot of pockets first i'm gonna be coming if i keep watching this video jesus christ that was crazy well maybe one day off the bench press that's that's wild i mean that's how you do that dude it's so easy i used to have you can do that no so before i had breast cancer i had fucking 34 which is a tiny little body like quadruple d sometimes e tits like they were that should be your raya profile that's wild we should have taken pictures of oh i have a picture of my sloppers before maybe one day i'll debut them they were so big tom used to make fun of them all the time but that's easy to do when you got big tits after you you know like feed your babies that's that's easy you can get to a million followers overnight with that shit i went on a date with a girl once and like i don't like no it must have been like hands or something back in the day and we got drinks and i was like oh i noticed you got like a shitload of followers on instagram what do you do because and she was like i just swung my tits on and i and i became like famous and i was like oh that's i guess i guess that's a thing i don't know it's cool i was like yeah all right because i can't ever introduce you to my mother but uh did you bang her though of course you bang no i think we kissed and then i was at least probably not a good idea really why to see uh i don't think we vibe for other reasons really but she was nice it just wasn't like i don't know you have to like the person to have sex with them sure yeah very good hold on i gotta take a piss before i get into this i'm careful about coming in people i love serious seriously i don't want to be a shitty dad i had a i had a dad leave so i don't want to be that i want to make sure when i do it i'm like i'm gonna be a great fucking dad when i yeah your dad left like straight up oh yeah my mom ran into him on the street i've only heard this story from her but i don't want to be that i don't want to be that i don't want to be that uh in new york city she's strolling me down the street and she ran into him you know big city but small city and she goes this is your son this is sam and he goes looks like you and walk kept walking so yeah wow ice cold and made you a great delivery he really nailed it he stuck the land down that line i thought but look at you now funny and he's dead oh life it doesn't weigh a coming full circle get fucked no he was i met him later he had his own troubles he wasn't a he wasn't a fully terrible person he just wasn't equipped to be a father so but i i was raised by a dad who was an amazing dad so like i also was but i also see that and i was like oh i'll be like him if i'm ever like a dad i want to be a good dad a better model than and my mom is a great mom so you just you you model yourself after the good ones and you and you look at that like oh it's i was blessed and we're like i see what not to be yeah yeah i mean my stepdad was the best of my parents i would say and he was a criminal like an indian guy criminal but he was real nice to me and he was like paternal you know like you take me for ice cream yeah yeah like he you know he did some it had cardamom it was good ice cream pistachio that was his flavor yeah but you know i went to an indian ice cream place in new york city because my girlfriend insisted i was like this is the worst shit i've ever had in my life horrible horrible i don't know that lot lassie oh it's a goat milk ice cream it was lassie the dog it wasn't even a fucking i was like this is fucking dog shit all right what other clip should i play for sammy what do you think what are you gonna like i don't know give me it give me something i prefer the big boobs to the other one yeah i'm kidding i'll do anything now i feel bad i'm shitting on dave girl because you're right i'm just in a bitter space and i'm in a fucked up place here's the thing you're right he did a bad thing you're right you're totally right but uh but like why stay with dave he's not the president of the united states you don't have political aspirations like hillary did it because she wanted but he's a rock star why are we holding him to the same yeah but she could bang any other look she's hot why am i saying every president seems to cheat of course they all that's why you do it i mean that's what that was jfk's thing yeah oh they they do you know that jfk and his bro double teamed maryland yeah yeah you do know yeah and uh it's great not only that but dimaggio was furious i mean that was like he used to love it on his deathbed joe dimaggio was like i'm coming maryland so like i'm gonna you know yeah not i'm coming to my pants i'm coming to see you maybe both but he loved uh he loved maryland monroe forever he did i think dimaggio was the one man that could protect her i'm sure he smacked her around too they all did 56 game hit street that came off of off the field too no one of these but no those old school italian guys but uh man as a new yorker dimaggio's the fucking he's the he's the coolest but uh yeah no they all monroe was so damaged but she also was kind of she's kind of good in those old movies i kind of kind of good she's she's so charismatic and i saw so i was at the in london eve she popped in for a second remember and uh some like it hot stunning amazing i saw her national portrait gallery they have photos of maryland that we haven't seen before and her vulnerability and her ability to tap into like her childhood despair but at the same time be sensual and yes a fuck goddess and be used by hollywood but at the same time using it to her advantage but also drugs it led to you know you think all that fun stuff all these people want to be here but she she wants to die she wants to and she wanted to be with jfk i know that fucking creep that fucking creep you know what jackie onass says too she had to play the part like they were this perfect american and she was totally anorexic too it's always when they get super skinny the women you're like ah this is keeping up appearances yeah you want you want them you want them to eat you want them to eat yeah it's not fun to be with someone who never eats could you imagine i don't like it i don't like it i want to go out to dinners yeah dude and i want to make sure you're enjoying the dinners i know are people that don't eat certain foods like oh i don't eat sushi you're like oh we're never gonna get along that's actually a good tester early on like i weird dietary restrictions i'm just like i just don't i don't want to do it same it's it's annoying to watch them order like get the fuck it is yeah a lot of substitutions and then i have to pick up food for her i'm the one doing it and i'm like i'm sorry it's so embarrassing i wouldn't i would just be more embarrassed like even if i had these things like i'm gluten-free i wouldn't fucking i couldn't do it at a restaurant i'd feel so mortified gluten-free is annoying i look it's i guess it's a real thing but i will say it's it's annoying it's not a real my friend who is my camera guy on the road is vegan and we trash him all the time but i have to say i actually kind of respect it because he does it makes his life if you're doing anything that makes your life actively more difficult i do actually respect it yeah the vegan thing is like oh this you eat like shit all the time and he's like it's healthier i'm like really you've taken two naps today and we've been out in the bed i don't know i don't know if it's that healthy but but he is uh but i do actually respect the vegan one because it's so hard it's so hard but don't you think part of that is he likes it how do i say this he likes the hair shirt you know like the franciscan monks would put on a hair shirt and suffer it's his form of manufactured suffering i'm gonna adopt this because i can't really fucking dial in to what i'm actually sad about or what i'm actually ocd he said it's an ocd i think he thinks so yeah i think he's one i'm sure there are people like that but i think he really genuinely loves animals and he's a good person and i and i love animals too i'm just fucking lazy fuck him yeah no i agree piece of shit all right do you want to watch my tiktoks with me yes my god i fucking love this shit oh this guy this is my new obsession on tiktok chinese girlfriend chinese girlfriend jump on that airplane fly it to america chinese girlfriend yeah chinese girlfriend chinese girlfriend come on god you got it you got it you got it you got it so he does this with different songs every day that's actually kind of a good song no i know chinese girlfriend chinese girlfriend's a fuck that's going straight to the top some fucking record producers like we've got our next hit chinese girlfriend i mean he knows what he wants and he's going after it he wants to support another mouth chinese girlfriend is a fucking heater dude can you can you can we go to his profile and hear the other other like what yeah what else is on this album dude every day it's a different chinese girl is there like filipino mistress are there other heaters on this album i don't know what would your thing be do you have a type these men seem to have types that they're stuck i'd like so many different types but i mean i've gone through fate i went through an asian phase for sure every jewish guy does i think uh my girlfriend's blonde i did a lot of blonde women i think i i mean everybody likes yeah blonde's fun yeah but new yorkers tend to like grumpy brunettes because you guys are raised grumpy brunettes too yeah and i respect a grumpy brunette like a fucking east coast brunette not like i actually really like snooki or that that type of personality because west coast like i'm from california you're not allowed to be that grumpy is it keeps you engaged yeah i have bad add so a little bit of chaos is fun for me and i think like the the grumpiness is like part of how new yorkers communicate yes like can you believe this shit it's nothing but that's how you like like my mom will do that on the phone with me i'll be i'll be complaining she's like oh yeah you think that's bad i'm like all right your turn it's jewish tai chi i'm just she's taking my complaint yes eastern blockers too it's all you do is fucking complain yeah my girlfriend complains so much though that sometimes i have to be like you've it's been like 10 30 a.m it's been like 40 you got to dial it back you got to focus on the really bad ones and she's like okay she knows she knows okay let's look at chinese girlfriend let's see the evolution can we go like the earliest chinese girlfriend look it's the fuck it's the same song yes no there's got to be some other shit no it's chinese girlfriend for like oh my god dude i didn't realize how deep this goes for him damn dude holy shit does he have a chinese girlfriend or does he want a chinese i think it's a want because these guys usually he's putting the call out holy shit all right let's see the earliest you go this isn't it ray band sunglasses sure it's the only way to go i don't know if it's the only way okay let's find the first chinese girlfriend though oh it did that was a good one why'd we stop why are you stopping this this is called this quality i think these will get us demonetized oh no here we go we were holding hands on the beach and we were riding bike in the park do you remember us holding hands you cooking noodles and rice do you remember cooking noodles and rice dude and making videos you don't like this one as much i can tell i just you know i just think the noodles and seem excessive i think you just need one let's get a protein it's a little carb heavy carb heavy and i don't i've dated chinese they don't do two carbs you do like rice or but not both yeah even the vietnamese the noodles or the or the rice yeah no they eat high protein this guy's got it wrong what are we doing here girlfriend can't get away i won't let you oh madonna girlfriend i would never forget you i love you this one seems a little more serial killy i won't let you get away i don't know if i like that well it's madonna's lyric uh you can't get away i won't let you yeah but from a dude it sounds worse no it's you can say creepy she's chained to a fucking radiator this chinese girlfriend i don't i don't like it like do you know that rihanna song where she's like sex with me is so amazing you're like if a man said that you'd be like dude no it's not yeah but she's right though no she's right for me she's rihanna but yeah yeah a guy can't do that no she's right for me she's rihanna but yeah a guy can't do that no okay although you should because then women will probably want to fuck you and then yeah and if you suck you're like it's too late yeah you already did it so i mean jokes on you it's a good brag all right i think we've had enough but i like to lower the bar i like to always i think the bar should be lowered i agree you should be like i'm the worst my body sucks everything's terrible it's like stand up you're like let me try out some new shit and then you're like all right you know that's how i abuse sex as well yeah yeah i agree you shouldn't go into it bragging all right here we go next one just a baby ruth candy bar man it's pretty delicious you guys like the baby ruth candy bars it's one of the classics you know how you like them i think they're delicious that's it well he's trying to start a conversation with ladies i think this is his like intro to like hey can we chat i like baby ruth candy bars i forget what's in those like just nuts and caramel i think yeah that's the classic yeah they're like old school you know what i really like that i cannot find what whatchamacallits those are so good i don't remember them as well i remember i know the packaging i don't remember the taste i'm a sucker for a fucking you know what i love a little heath you throw a little heath bar and some ice cream that's my favorite out of here no that's good shit that's good shit dude oh yeah i love a good candy bar man i've been i've been eating like when you're tired and stressed i'm eating so much junk food yeah of course that's that's how you know you're built to be a comic you've got cockroach dna just power you don't sleep you don't sleep eating butterfingers yeah i know i said good okay here we go what's this fucking bitch gonna say i sweat everybody i'm back from jail i've spent two months incarcerated and i'm back now well that's exciting yeah right i mean i i don't know have you been in jail i haven't i've been handcuffed multiple times but they never took me in thankfully so what are you getting handcuffed i always talk my way out of it urination uh on a firehouse i didn't realize it was a firehouse but i was bombed and they handcuffed me and i i don't know how i talked my way out of it i was shit-faced another time in new orleans wait hold on but is it illegal to pee on the firehouse or was it just in public public oh sure yeah i don't think i mean i'm sure they didn't mind that part yeah but new york city's covered in piss then how is anybody pissing anywhere i don't i'm sure they've it's become more lax back in the day i remember i was drinking on the street once in new york and now they don't give a shit about that either post-covid but yeah back in the day i was with my friend who's like a pro at drinking on the street and they wrote us a ticket he's like yeah yeah write it up officer and he keeps drinking like the cop like he knows he can finish it because he's already gotten the ticket so uh and then another time uh in new orleans i was in college i was i ripped a blunt on the street with some frat i just met some frat guys they're like you want to hit sure the second i take a hit all four of us uh handcuffed and this was like a this was a dark i was trying to be a comedian i was like 19 and they pulled they were like what they're pulling our pockets and he pulled a joke notebook out of my pocket and he goes what's this and i just was like proudly i'm a comedian and he was like all right let's see so he they start reading the jokes and they're terrible their dog should and their laugh everyone's laughing at me because the jokes suck and uh it was probably four minutes or so but it felt like 20 minutes because i'm i'm being embarrassed four minutes of material is a lot it was bad and uh and then they just let us go they left and when they left another guy i was handcuffed with said i had cocaine on me but they didn't search me because of your shitty jokes so save the day dude you hooked that guy up i saved the day but it was definitely a moment where i was like oh god i gotta work on some new shit yeah it's bad the first five years are just garbage not good but but uh those you know i've never been in an actual jail cell how about you not yet not yet still alive you're fucking i'm still there man well oh you know what i was gonna say is in amsterdam they're still there man they're still They create, oh, sorry. They've had them since the medieval period, public pissing stations because people get as they should all the time. Yeah. That's why the canals smell like piss because people in Budapest as well, actually, the all these places should have public places to pay because they celebrate drunkenness and they don't pretend like it doesn't exist. Like all the vices Americans pretend like it doesn't exist, especially in New Orleans. Why would you be arrested for smoking a blunt? They didn't take us in, thankfully. But I mean, that's where you're supposed to go, no? Like Mardi Gras, you show your tits and get beads. Like now they're going to rein it in? Getting arrested in Mardi Gras. Yeah. Are you going to do Skank Fest? I don't know. I can't do that. Why? I'm doing it for the first time. You got to come. We'll smoke a blunt in New Orleans. When it's in New York, I 100% will do it. I'm so burnt. I told you I haven't been home in a fucking month. That's in November. Stay home in October. If I don't have a road weekend, maybe I'll pop in. Bring the girlfriend so she doesn't get pissed and do Skank Fest. She'll love it. Baby, we're going away. The Bahamas, Skank Fest. Okay, here we go. Boop. Boop. What do you think? Boop. Boop. How cute is that? What the fuck? Boop. Oh, they're just cute little. I don't know if they're crocodiles or alligators. I never know. Oh. I don't like this. No. Stupid. Fucking whites, man. This is asking for trouble, man. What a cunt. Oh, what are you fucking doing? Look at them teeth. Yeah, no shit. Oh, those big teeth. God, I hate them. This is like, remember the movie Grizzly Man? I loved Grizzly Man. I loved that movie. I laughed. Hey, Dilla. Tom and I saw that on our first date together. Wow, what a first date. I know, that's why we got married. Wow. That movie's incredible. Can you stop this? I'm going to kill myself watching this guy. So we went to Grizzly Man. Tom and I, our first date, and we laughed so hard. It's so sad, though, too. I mean, the fact that guy's just like, I want to live amongst the bears. Like, clearly, a chip is missing. And then when they play the tape of him getting it, you're like, bro, that was not a good death. No. There's deaths where you're like, all right, I'm holding someone's hand. I'm slowly, their organs are shutting down. This poor bastard, like something, he was trying to be an actor or something. Then he's like, I'll just live amongst the bears. Well, and here's the thing. He thought he was saving them. But they were already. They were already on a nature reserve. I know. Like, they were already saved. It was for him. Of course, it's for him. But the poor bastard, like. Timothy Treadwell. Oh, God. Yeah. Well, and what's really alarming is that people allowed him to just camp out with bears. Like, if you guys know there's a screw loose with a dude, shouldn't you protect him and be like, maybe not. Maybe not Timothy. Well, I mean, look, even an eight-year-old knows bears are fucking dangerous. I know. A child knows to stay away from certain dogs. You don't. I know. I know. And can I tell you? One time I went. I went to Aspen and I hated it more than anything. Why'd you hate it? I've never been. It's unpretentious. I have a friend who keeps trying to get me to go. Don't go. It's the worst. He's like, you got to ski. I'm like, I never learned to ski. Never. Nor do I care to ski. No. I'm a city kid. I don't like riding bikes. I'm a walker. I don't need that shit. Well, the worst part about Aspen is it's pretentious. It's for these ski people. Whatever. But then there's black bears that just wander. And they're like, there's the black bears. They don't hurt people. But they could. That's cool. Like, I don't need it. I'm good. But they could. Of course they could. They're fucking bears, dude. Yeah, I don't. And even if they don't hurt, maybe they get close. I don't want any part of that shit. I'm not a nature guy. I've done it before. I'll do a hike. I'll do a trail or something. But like, I don't know. You read just one story about someone getting cornered by wolves. And you're like, I'll take a plane going down over that shit. I'd rather die in the air than fuck. I know. You know that I've never been camping in my life? I've done it. It can be fun. I mean, there's something cool. I mean, look, there's something cool about nature. Like, you're just kind of like, oh, this is, especially now, too. Because when I was doing it, it was before cell phones and shit. But like, I'm sure now, you shut off. It's kind of nice. Yeah, I go glamping. There's a place an hour outside of here. I take my boys, and they just light fires for two days and cut things down. And that's fun to watch them freak out. But yeah, I mean, there's still a shower. And there's a toilet. And I'm not going to camp. Toilets are great. Yeah, no, when I did it, we'd have to, you know. Dig a hole. Yeah. Just shit in a hole. Get fucked. Not my thing. All right, guys, it's Mike. I'm back tonight, and I have chili dogs and chips. So let's get to eating. Oh, you put it on the. Oh, yeah, OK. OK. Well, are you going to eat the dogs, bro? He's going to clean out the can first. Dude, this guy's a tank. then the chips. Damn. And finally, I've been waiting for this. I do respect that he puts mustard on the chili dog. That's how I like them, too. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's the only way to fly. But this next morning is going to be rough, dude. That is a rough. Like, I definitely, like, my stomach's been, when you travel, you just eat like shit. My stomach is cooked. Of course. I was in an elevator in San Diego, and I'm like, I've been eating Mexican food every day. I feel like I'm going to die. I let out one of the worst farts of my life. And the second I let it out, a dude gets in the elevator, and he goes, Sam, I love your stuff. And then I noticed him notice the fart, and I was like, sorry. He was probably stoked, though. Yeah, I'm drinking on Crystal Light Peach Ice Tea. That's a good flavor. But I would go carbonated now. Yeah. I feel like that's not a good choice. I mean, I would make some, I would make some changes to this whole meal, probably. Three chili dogs. You're not doing anything after this shit. Your day is ruined. As I talk, as I'm having breakfast and cigarettes and whiskey for breakfast. Yeah, same. Well, I just have a problem with the order in which he's eating. Yeah. Like, I wouldn't clean out the can. I would start with the best part first. The chips look pretty good, though. But I feel like he doesn't feel like he deserves the best part first, you know? I just. Is that an entitlement issue? There's something, too, about, like, this used to be a meal you ate over the sink with shame. You didn't film yourself doing it. I eat a lot of meals over the sink. Rob Eiler, too. He'll eat an entire rotisserie chicken with his hands over the sink. I don't mind it. No, it's the smartest. I love a rotisserie chicken. Who doesn't? You eat an entire. Do you still eat your meals over a sink? If I'm in a rush. Yeah. You know how it is. You're going out to do a set. You don't feel like fucking. Dude, I don't eat. I don't eat on the road. I eat, like, a slice of pizza a day or maybe I order P.F. Chang's in the middle of the day. I can't. Yeah, P.F. Chang's is pretty good. You don't want to eat in the green room in between shows and shit. I do, usually. Ugh, and you're all full. I'm going to puke. Okay, I mean, okay. Can I stop this? I'm going to. I can't believe we're watching this whole video. I can't believe you guys just kept that running. That was wild. I mean, that was, like, fucking. That was, like, the godfather of food-eating reels. That was long as shit. I know, but we didn't stop. Yeah. You and I kept watching until we realized we didn't have to. Does a clip like that do well? For him? Yeah, does that have numbers? Well, M. Night Shyamalan's got more numbers than we do, and he's talking about nothing. That's wild. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I just haven't seen one of his movies in forever. No, nobody has. What? He's still making them. Why? Someone's seeing them. Well, who's he banging that they keep giving him money? No, he still gets stars in his movies. I feel like people still watch that shit, don't they? Fuck. I don't know. We gotta research that. How is he still making films? They don't give you that many chances in Hollywood unless you're, like, dialed into some. Well, clearly he's. Dark cabal. What does he make, 20 movies? He's made shit. He's banging somebody. He's doing some nefarious baby-eating. Maybe. crenadrome, whatever fucking. I think when you're. This is hillbilly beatboxing. Hello. My name's Jake Stogdill, and today I'm going to be teaching you the art of eefing, also known as hillbilly beatboxing. And if you take the time to master this technique. I would rather hear queefing. This is pretty rough. it's gonna be like you're spitting fire everywhere. Do you know. Oh, turn this off. Turn it off! Do you know that. Do you know that I knew a girl that could queef on command, like, in college? Was she a part of the circus? That's a fucking talent. It's so amazing. She would just lay, like. She'd sit on my couch, and then kind of, like, scooch her butt down, and then, like, suck in air and eef. It's adorable. I've never been bothered by a queef. No! They're nice. It's the sound of joy. It's cute. That is not good, though. No, that was rough. That's not even a talent. I feel like the spoon playing, I might prefer. It was gibberish. Who gives a shit? It's not talent. Get the fuck out of here. Nah. I can start your day with my arms around you. A kiss on your forehead. I'll date him. And a reminder that you are not carrying life by yourself. Aw. Until I can, let this message hold you for a moment. I love you. Aw. And I'm with you. You believe him? Well, the music really sold it, I think. I think the tan top. Does he have canes? He kind of has titties, right? I was definitely distracted by the titties. Those are. Aren't those muscle titties? They could be muscle titties. They could be muscle titties, but he's got. For muscles, there's significant cleavage. No, I know you're right. They're kind of hangy. They're hanging a little bit. that could slap him together in that earlier clip. But he seems like a very happy guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's good morning. I'll take it. What the hell? He's doing something. Oh. I like this one. Do you like it? I like this one. This one's catchy. It's a little repetitive. It is. But I don't mind. You realize we're just in a simulation where everyone's broken? Like, literally everyone seemed to have lost their mind. Got it? I mean, I'm waiting for the biopic. Get Jeffrey right on this bad boy. Where is he now? Like, can you look at his feed and just see what the last video is that he posted? I'm so curious about the Chinese girlfriend. I hope he gets a Chinese girlfriend. That would be a great end to this series. That's what I'm wondering. Like, did he actually get one? Or is he still begging? Chinese girlfriend. Chinese, Chinese girlfriend. Okay, okay, okay. It's still going. I feel like he's lost a little bit, too. No, the plea has now become psychotic. He's not getting his dreams fulfilled. You get angrier. Yeah. You go from artist to incel. Dude, can I just tell you? Like, I get DMs from dudes where, like, the first one's charming. And it's like, you see, I just want to take you out on a date. And then I obviously don't answer. And they're like, I want to lick your pussy. I want to fuck all your holes. Like, it degenerates so fast. They're like, that's it? You just gave me one shot? Oh, my God. To be a gentleman? Yeah, they figured the date didn't work. So, yeah, I mean. That doesn't work with ladies, though. No, you got to take them to dinner and then lick the holes. Yeah, exactly. You got to earn the holes. You got to court me, dude. You got to, yeah. Courtings. People just fucking shoot their shots now, I guess. With everything. I mean, this is shooting your shot. Yeah. With the Chinese girlfriend. No one. Is romance dead? I don't know. I don't know, buddy. What's the ideal DM? I mean, it's got to be from the right person, I guess. That's where we're starting, right? Yeah. It's got to be from the right human being. It's got to be civilized. You can't come into ladies hot. You can't be like, I want to lick your pussy. You can fuck your ass. We're not into that. No. Straight away. You can't. I mean, look. Here's what would be nice. Is my courtship hotline still up? Yes. Could you please announce the number? I would like to hear some proper courtship. It's going to be Chinese girlfriend. I would love that. He's going to blast it. Gothic girlfriend. I think you should. Are there voicemails? Yeah. Oh, I'd love to hear one. You got to tell me how you're going to court me. And also, you need a picture on your Instagram. You can't be like, hey, come on a date with me. And then I don't even know what you look like. I get those sometimes. Yeah. You're like, who are you? You're a mystery. You've got to provide. And it's not like a mystery airheads flavor where you know it's going to be good. It's just a mystery. I don't trust it. I want a. You have to fill me in. Do you get more from dudes? No. No. Wow. No. It's usually a woman, but then it's, yeah, it's. It's rarely an alluring one. No, it's not good. And I mean, I'm seeing someone anyway, but yeah. Yeah. Back in the day, I'd be like, I'm. Yeah. I'd peek and I'd be like, hmm. All right. Yeah. What is the hotline? The number is 310-692-1253. All right. Courtship, guys. All right. Like, let's talk about the dates. Yeah. Romance isn't dead. Bring a little fucking heat here. Yeah. Come on. What are we going to do on our first date? And it's got to be something you know I like. You guys have listened to me talk for 30 fucking years on this podcast. You know me by now. What's a good first date? Just drinks? Here's my thing, is that I don't want to go walking on a first date. I don't want to do anything that's going to make me sweat or look unattractive. Yeah. You know what? If I can sit and just talk to you and you're not crazy and yeah, like a conversation. How about that? How far out are you from going on a date, do you think? I don't fucking know. I'm not even there yet. Yeah. I got a lot of work to do, Sam Earl. Yeah. I'm still fucked. I'm still up to it. You're getting through the hard part and it's going to be. Yeah. It's going to be good on the other side, I think. Of course. I mean, it can only be better. My life is fine. Your life is good. Yeah. You got a lot to offer. You're awesome. It's something really good is going to happen, I think. I think so. It already is. It is. Come on, man. I'm sitting here with you. Yeah. We're having a good time. This is the best. This is the best day. This is a good day. You woke up. You came here. You didn't eat anything. You got ripped with me. Yeah. I feel pretty good, actually. This is a good way to start the day. Yeah. I mean, this is like, I feel like I'm in fucking Massachusetts in a fucking dive right now. This is great. No, I love starting the, I don't like day drinking normally, but you know what? I just hate the nighttime hangover. Yeah. But I'm flying anyway. I'm probably going to keep going. Are you flying tonight? Yeah. Yeah. So you're cool. Yeah. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind being able to buzz on a flight. It's the only way. It's the only fucking way to do it. Samaril, thank you so much for being here. Check out his new special streaming now on Netflix, Incorrect. Yeah. And listen to it. And listen to his podcast, We Might Be Drunk. And next time I'm in, do your titties. Norman's asked about you many times. I love it. I'm doing it. For sure, dudes. Thank you so much. Norman's like, where's Christina Payne? Oh, come on. I do. I love him too. Anything else? Any last thoughts? No. Is It Cake was fun with you too. Remember we did Is It Cake? Oh my God, I forgot. We did Is It Cake. My children, it's the only thing that they care about that I've done in my entire career is doing Is It Cake with you. And what was her name? What the fuck was I thinking with that leather jacket? Jesus Christ. It was so fun. Well, I didn't know the show. I'd never seen the show. But you did. And I didn't know it was a kid's show. So I was saying horrible shit. And then Mikey Day is the man. Mikey Day is amazing. He's so cool. And he's so talented. I love that guy. But yeah, no, we had fun. And then- Look at your face. Look at your face. You're like, I'm leaning number one? We're like, what the fuck is this show? Yeah, I don't know. No, it was hard. It was hard because they, what you don't know the viewers at home, if you watch Is It Cake with your children, which I do, there's no reason for you to watch the show if you don't have kids. Well, my niece watches. That's like the only thing I've ever done that my niece has seen. Yeah. And she was like, oh, that's cool. So they have a stage that rotates. So they tell the judges, they told us like, turn your backs. And then they rotate the stage because apparently you can tell if it's cake or not because when the stage stops moving, it jiggles cake. So that's why they were like, we're waiting for the cakes to settle so that you guys don't know inherently. Is that show still on? Yeah. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, that was cool. Mikey Day, what a great gig. Look at him. Yeah, he's a man. He's so perfect for this show too. He's so funny. Yeah, dude. No, that was so fun to do with you. So that was a fun day. That was cool. LA's always can feel so isolating if you're not with the right people. So that's like. No. I remember they put me up in some hotel in the middle of downtown. I took like five steps outside and I was like, oh, cool. 90 needles. This is fun. Someone's shooting into their foot. I'm not, it's not foreign to me. I'm from, you know, from New York. But you're like, downtown LA is fucking something. Yeah, and for a minute. It's a different breed of home. Like in New York, we have homeless people. But in LA, I'm like, these are fucking homeless people. These are like, and they're like tan. They look like handsome kind of. And they just like straight up shit in the streets. It's awful. It's awful. Yeah, it was a crazy thing to see. And then, but they look like Hugh Jackman. That's the crazy part. But then they're chasing you. And you're like, all right, it's not Hugh Jackman. No, it's like Mad Max down there. You know, they used to have Igloo City in downtown LA. And they would all live in, did they still do that with the homeless in downtown where they have igloos, where they could live? And I'm not sure if they got rid of Igloo City. And that's why they all wander the streets and just like shit everywhere. But they had it cleaned up for a minute. And then, no good. No good. Anyway, thank you so much. Come back again. My pleasure, I'd love to. I'll see you in New York next time. And that's it, mommies. Thank you so much for watching. And Sam Rowe. Meow. I'm a chicken freak. I think I eat chicken. Like, I don't know how much I eat chicken. God almighty, I eat so much chicken. You know what I'm saying? Target. F-A-R-T. Target. I would pay you five dollars for it. Target. F-A-R-T. Target. I like chips. Target. F-A-R-T. Target. I have cum all over my face. Target. I don't, you know, you know, you know, you know. You gotta hold, you know. You don't fuck with my mouth. Target. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. Target. Target. DJ Boy Butter. Boy Butter, I like that. Yeah.