Speaker 1Today, I wanna talk about the consequences of your addiction, consequences of my addiction. I wanna talk about all the things I've learned. All the things I've learned from the consequences of my addiction. These are the lessons that I've taken from it. I'm gonna share with you some of the consequences. Now, if you're listening to this and you think to yourself, well, that's not that bad, or I've had it worse, or that's really bad, I'm not that bad, stop comparing yourself. Try to look for the similarities and not the differences. I was taught that early on in recovery, to look for the similarities, because when I first came in at 23 years old, my rock bottom was pretty high comparatively to the people that I was in rehab with. A lot of the people I was in rehab with were opiate users and syringe and needle users. And I couldn't relate to a lot of the rock bottoms that they had experienced. There was a lot of really rough stories in jail and six rehabs. I didn't feel like I fit in. And so I was taught to look for the similarities. Stop comparing the differences. Try to identify with the feelings of the consequences, the result of how I reacted to the consequences, how the consequences made me feel, how the consequences affected my emotional sobriety and my emotional life and my emotional nature on a day in, day out basis. So try to focus on that. Don't focus on the actual consequences themselves. Our circumstances may be different, but I know addiction. And so therefore I know you. I know what you're going through. I know what you've been through. Although I may not have killed people in a car or flipped a car on the highway or been to jail, I get what you're going through because my addiction led me down paths that I never thought I would go down. My addiction led me to places I never thought I would end up. My addiction led me to places I never thought I would end up. My addiction led me to places I never thought I would end up. My addiction led me to places I never thought I would end up. My addiction led me to places I never thought I would end up. My addiction led me to places I never thought I would end up. My addiction led me to places I never thought I would end up in with people I never thought I'd hang out with, doing drugs I never thought I would do. I remember saying to myself, I'll never try that. I'll never try meth. I'll never do steroids. I've done it all. And that was as a result of my relapse because I'm always looking for the next high. I'm always looking for the next buzz, the next thing. I'm never satisfied here and now. I'm never satisfied with this. If one line is good, two must be better. If five lines are good, 10 must be better. I don't know when to stop. I have no off switch. So let's get into it. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast. My name is Anthony. I'm an addict, alcoholic, and recovery with one and a half years sober again after relapsing at seven and a half years. I'm grateful to have made it back. Coming back to recovery after that relapse was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. And I know I have another relapse in me always. I don't know if I have another recovery in me. I'm glad that I made it back. Okay, first.
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Speaker 1It always gets worse when I pick up. The consequences of my addiction will always get worse when I go and pick up. I have evidence of that. I am a cautionary tale. I never thought that I would drink and drive again. Lo and behold, I get into benzos and stimulants and I'm blacking out on benzos. I'm getting in my car. I'm driving to my parents' house because that seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't know why I did that. I don't know why I did a lot of the things that I did, but I did it. And I hit a bus on the highway in a blackout. Didn't hurt anyone. Didn't hurt myself. Some minor damage in the car. Well, pretty major damage, but I'm grateful to have made it out of that alive. When I pick up, when I drink, it's like playing Russian roulette. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know. I have a general idea of how it's going to go, but I do not know. I don't know for sure, for certain, what is going to transpire when I pick up. I might end up stopping at two or three drinks. I might end up calling the dealer, most likely calling the dealer and end up in a trap house somewhere. I might end up smoking meth. I just don't know. Second, debt. The amount of debt that I incurred in my addiction from maxing out my credit cards, from staying at hotels and Airbnbs, because I was kicked out of my house by my wife. I racked up a lot of debt in my addiction. Debt that I'm still paying for a year and a half later. Biggest thing I've learned, biggest lesson from this, is that I had a spending problem. I didn't know how to budget properly, sober or drunk, or, yeah, high or drunk. This last year and a half has taught me how to not buy things that I don't need. So it's taught me that I actually need a lot less to survive and be happy in life. I don't need to shop on Amazon. It also taught me that shopping is another escape, another addiction that I struggle with. And it's forced me to get more closer to my connection to a higher power, to what I choose to call God. It's forced me to look at my spending seriously and meticulously and start to budget. I've realized that I don't need a lot of the things that I was buying. I don't need to eat out as much. I eat at home a lot more now and I'm happy. Shopping can turn into a very dangerous cross addiction. And I have to be aware of that today. Okay, three, the amount of car accidents I was in, the amount of accidents. I could be dead. I should be dead. And I haven't hurt anyone yet. I always say yet too. If you haven't done things in addiction that you hear about in recovery from other people's stories and sharing, remember to tell yourself, I haven't done it yet. I try not to say, oh, I've never done that. Well, I'll never do that because I've done it. I've done it all. I've done all the things that I said I would never do. I'm grateful that this last relapse, I left my car keys behind a lot of the time and I rode my bike a lot. But still, that was a very dangerous thing. I used to ride my bike in the pouring rain, coming home from the bar, going to the bar, going to the club. That was my pattern. I would go to any lengths to get high and party. I would do anything, whatever it took to get my drugs, my IVs. My drugs, my alcohol, my fun, my idea of fun. Four, I wanna talk about health problems. So when I was in treatment this last time, I had a day where I had a chest pain for a long amount of time. I was going through a, it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and pushing it down for about an hour while I was in one of the classes. Scared me to death. I was petrified of what I had done to my heart. My body as a result of the stimulant and benzo abuse. I ended up going to the hospital. They called the ambulance. I got all the EKGs, all the tests. But I had a moment when I was in that ambulance where I had an out-of-body experience where my life forward flashed before my eyes. I saw myself not able to walk and not able to exercise and not able to live life the way I wanted to. And I saw my wife, I had a vision, if you will, of my wife, carrying me down the stairs and helping me up the stairs. And I had a moment in time where I believe an act of providence showed me what would happen if I kept using stimulants. Now I've been in recovery long enough to meet a lot of people that have had some serious health concerns as a result of their cocaine use, their stimulant use and abuse. If I go back out, God knows what will happen to my heart, my health, my life. If you are relatively healthy, just remember it can always, always, always, always, always be worse. You're alive today and that is a miracle in and of itself. A lot of us don't make it. I'm working with a guy right now that has a serious health issue as a result of his using. And whether I live or die, whether you live or die in addiction recovery depends solely on your action. Doing things you don't wanna do, following direction, being a better person, acting on a set of principles, your life depends, my life depends on it today. And so when I show up to these service things that I don't wanna do, I don't feel like doing, last night was a good example. I went to the treatment center, I went to New Beginnings to give a talk, to share my story with the clients there. I don't really wanna go do those things. It's not my default to help people and be a kind person in recovery, be a loving, tolerant and honest person. I have to force myself a lot of the time. And that's not bad, there's nothing wrong with that. If you don't wanna be in recovery, but you're doing it anyways, I applaud you. That's what this thing is about. There's a lot of times I spend not wanting to do recovery things, but doing them anyways, because I know one day I will eventually want to do it. And I shouldn't say I'd never wanna do it because that's not true. But I have moments where I'd rather sit on the couch. I'd rather not drive out to that thing. Selfish, self-centered fear, always. It's always selfish, self-centered fear. Push through it, it might save your life. Five, being homeless isn't fun. I don't think I need to spell this one out for you, but I was homeless for a long time. I was kicked out of my house by my parents at 23 and I was picked up, kicked out of my house by my wife twice for using and drinking. And I don't blame her. I'm happy she did because it brought me to a lower bottom. She wasn't enabling me anymore. She supported me when I was ready. She was there when I was ready to bring me to rehab again, but she didn't co-sign my bullshit. I'm grateful for that experience. It was a horrible experience to be surfing from hotel to hotel, Airbnb to Airbnb, being in sketchy neighborhoods, trying to find money every day to stay another night until finally I was at my last hotel in January 25 and I was done. I had enough. I went into rehab with no money and lots of drugs. I gave those drugs to my wife because I was done. I was fed up. I detoxed at home for four days and then I went to treatment because I was done. Simple as that. There was no more manipulating to be done. There was no more finagling to be done. It was exhausting to try and find a place to live every night. I don't miss that. Obviously, I wish I came in earlier, but everyone has their time. I was ready in my time and so were you. So will you. So you as well. You will be too. Jeez, I can't get that out. I hope that. You will be. Because there's a good chance that a lot of us don't make it to that point and we go on for the rest of our lives in and out, in and out, in and out. And the only difference between me and that guy is action contrary to my best thinking. I don't really know why I'm doing this. I don't really believe in it, but that guy told me to do it and it's working for him. That's what he did. So I'm going to do it. Whether I feel like it or not. Six, losing jobs. Yeah, I've lost multiple jobs in addiction. At the time I would have told you it was his fault or my boss's fault or my wife's fault or just bad timing or bad luck. But it was my fault at the end of the day, every single time. I wasn't showing up and when I was showing up, I wasn't there emotionally. Obviously, my work is going to be impacted. My output is going to be impacted by my actions and my behaviors and what I was doing at night and not sleeping properly. All these things. I had to be accountable and realize that, yeah, I lost those jobs. Nobody else. It wasn't anyone else's fault but mine. And that's hard. Being fired is hard. I've been let go. I've been fired. It's tough to be in those situations and accept it in the moment and not try to control it and change it and beg for your job back. And also it's hard to accept accountability and point the finger inward. Yeah, that was my fault. I screwed up. Here's what I should have done instead. Not use for one. Get sober. Show up. Try my hardest. Of course you're going to get fired. Seven, I turn into a different person when I use or drink. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How many times do I hear parents I talk to trying to get their kids into rehab on the phone? How many times do I hear them say, "Oh, he's such a good kid. He's such a good dad. He's such a good husband. He's so smart. He's so much potential." Every single time. Yeah, we're all good people. We're just sick. When I pick up, like I said, I don't know what's going to happen when I pick up. I lose control. I lose power and choice. I have no say in the matter. I might do five. I might take 10 of whatever the substance is at that time. I'll tell you this. When I start taking the substance, I always want the higher level. I always want the next thing. If I'm drinking, or I'm smoking weed, this is fun, but you know what would be more fun? And then insert next drug, next drug, next drug. When addiction takes over, all bets are off. You are a different person when you're high or drunk. Simple as that. Eight, I have here, honesty is the best policy. Yeah, I mean, that's such a cheesy line and so obvious, but it's so true. It's so easy for me to be dishonest today in areas that'll suit me. And I'll convince myself that it's not. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: That bad. I'll give you an example. I got into another car accident the other day, and I tried to tell myself that it wasn't my fault and it was his fault. And I was merging lanes and he hit me. But at the end of the day, I had to take a hard look at that and say, you know what? I could have done better there. That probably was my fault. And when I'm talking to the insurance company, I wanted to lie. That's my first thought. I wanted to say, yeah, he came from another lane. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: Because it's going to benefit me. The hardest thing to do in addiction recovery is to be honest in all areas of your life, especially when it's going to inconvenience you, to be honest. I've found that being honest ends up working out in the end. It always does. It might be a lot of pain in the beginning, but it'll always work out in the end. Trust the process. Be honest, especially when you don't want to be, especially when it's going to inconvenience you and ruin your day or your next week or your month, or your year. It's so much better to just be honest. Then you don't have to follow the story and spin a story to different people. It's so much easier. It's so exhausting to lie and hold up a story and try to remember who you told what to. Be honest. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: Nine, losing material things, money, cars, house, is always recoverable. Always, always. Your health and your life. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: Is not. A lot of the time, your health is not. If you have lost a lot of things, material things, the job, the wife, the car, the wife is not a good example. Forget that. The house, the car, the job, all of those things are recoverable. If you continue going on the way you're going, you risk losing your life and damaging your health, which is not recoverable. Money, all that stuff doesn't matter. The only thing that matters, is my health today and my life. And if I die, I'm going to be hurting a lot of people that love me. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: And the same goes for you. Whether you think people love you or not, you're probably wrong. They probably do. Whether you think they don't love you or not, people can love you from a distance and still separate themselves from you and create healthy boundaries. Someone loves you. Today. Okay. I firmly believe that no matter what you've done. Okay. And 10, taking accountability in the ones you've hurt and losing your family. So if you've hurt a lot of people in your life, like I did, your family is not always going to come back, nor should they come back. They have, there's no obligation for people to come back. We've dragged people through the mud. I can't sit here and expect my family to come back into my life. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: I'm grateful that they did. It took time and it was hard and it was painful. And I wanted them to accept me faster than they actually did. Time heals all, but it doesn't mean that they will. It doesn't guarantee that they will come back just because you're sober. Just because you're doing better now. You've heard a lot of people. I've heard a lot of people. Nobody owes me forgiveness. Nobody owes me that. Forgiveness is a one-way street. I can't go around expecting forgiveness. Fairness is a one-way street. I need to output fairness and forgiveness. I need to dish it out. I need to give and not take. I can't expect anyone to give me forgiveness because I'm not owed that. I've heard a lot of people, you don't know the pain you've caused. And it doesn't mean you need to sit here in self-pity and shame and remorse and guilt, because that's not beneficial to anybody to sit in a pity party all day. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: Yeah. But just know that I can be accountable. You can be accountable for your actions and still not expect people to pick it up, to love you back, to forgive you. You don't know the pain you've caused and what it's done to the relationships in your life. Just keep going.
Speaker 2Speaker 1: Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible. And this space? Dr. Justin Marchegiani: Starts with Ultra Fit. Unlike traditional running shoes, Ultra Fit gives toes more room to move naturally. So every step is strong, balanced, and comfortable. Whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there with Ultra. Shop now at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com. Dr. Justin Marchegiani:
Speaker 1I hope that they come back. I hope that the damage is repaired. I've seen a lot of damage repaired in recovery, but it's not a guarantee. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: It's very likely the longer you stay sober, people will come back, but it's not a guarantee. I know guys that their kids haven't talked to them and they're 20 years sober. You don't know. They don't owe you anything. You've dragged them through the mud, even by not being there. How common is it to say, "Oh, I'm not hurting anybody but myself." No, you're hurting everybody and yourself. Don't ever forget that. You hurt a lot of people. I hurt a lot of people. We hurt a lot of people. Just keep doing the next right thing and it'll all work out. Consequences are a part of addiction. You wouldn't be here if there was no consequences. You wouldn't be here if life was good no one comes to recovery on a winning streak no one comes to recovery feeling good i was beaten here and dragged here beaten to a pulp i'm grateful my consequences aren't worse i'm grateful my health is relatively good today it is good i'm grateful i still have my legs i didn't kill anybody it could always be worse there's always a lower bottom waiting when you pick up that drink i guarantee you i've experienced it and i'm sure a lot of you have too if no one's told you this yet today i love you and remember recovery is simple not easy please follow the podcast
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