Speaker 1Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
Speaker 2Hello and welcome to the How Not to Scrawl. Grow up your kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, we're talking the comparison trap, and it's not just for children. We're talking about the comparison trap for our children and also for us as parents. So when your child says, everyone else has one, or you find yourself thinking, everyone else's baby sleeps through the night, we're both caught in the same comparison trap. So, we're talking about the comparison trap for our children and also for us as parents. So, when your child says, everyone else has one, or you find yourself thinking, everyone else's baby sleeps through the night, we're both caught in the same comparison trap. So, this episode tackles peer pressure and parental comparison from both sides, with practical strategies for you to navigate the line between accepting our children and pushing them to grow. So, here we go. Hopefully, this will be super helpful because it happens and it catches us unaware all of the time. So, you've heard this probably in some form. Mom, everyone else has a phone. Pause. Your internal monologue. Pause. You're only nine. Also, wait. Everyone else's nine-year-old is sleeping through the night, learning piano and getting tutored. What are we doing wrong? Yeah, both you and your child in that scenario, whichever one it might be for you, are caught in the same trap. It's just simply different versions. So, before we get into the nitty-gritty in terms of how do we tackle this, I think it's worthwhile starting with a bit of context in terms of what we're doing. Why do we compare? Because it's part of, in lots of ways, evolutionary psychology. The notion of social comparison is hardwired within us as human beings. It's not a character flaw. It is something that we do because belonging and acceptance are fundamental human needs. It's part of that being accepted and being part of that tribe as part of protection and security. And for children, peer acceptance equals safety. Safety and that identity formation, who they are. And for us as parents, am I doing enough drives the comparison. That's where that comes from. So, I'm saying that because we can just be a little bit kinder to ourselves. And we have to then also remember that social media amplifies it. Our children see curated peer lives through their feeds and parents see Instagram highlight reels of the perfect parenting. Now, when we consider when. Comparison tends to peak for children and tends to peak for parents. Again, remember this is age and stage when we talk about our children. But it typically peaks around age 11 to 14. Because that's generally where peer pressure peaks. And for us as parents, the comparison tends to peak around specific milestone moments. Sleep, school readiness, exams, transitions. All of those things that we find ourselves in that peak time. Where we are comparing how our children are sleeping. How our children compare in terms of being ready for school. How they're doing in their exams. How they're transitioning to the next part of their lives. So, that gives us a little bit of context and some background. So, we can now move on to. I want to tackle it initially when we start hearing about the comparison. When our children say everyone else is. So, let's tackle it first initially from the perspective of our children. I want us to really think about, first of all. What's actually really being said? So, the request itself. So, when we hear this everyone else is. I suspect our initial instinct may well be that it's coming from a place of entitlement. But actually the request comes from a deep-seated evolutionary need to belong. To be accepted. To fit in. It isn't from entitlement. I know it can feel like it comes from entitlement. But the driver is often this sense of belonging. So, have you heard this? I'm sure you've had this said to you when you were younger. It was said to me all of the time. If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you? And my answer in my head is, yes, mum. If it meant I was accepted. So, that's the sort of thing. So, we want to. When we think about what it really means underneath. We want to be able to acknowledge the deeper need beneath the request. Rather than get caught up in this lecture about. Well, if everyone. If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do the same? So, let me talk you through the five-step response framework. How we might want to do it. And the first thing is we want to understand the emotional need first. The driver behind it. So, it's really important to you because you want to fit in with your friends. We want to validate our children's motive and the driver behind it before we even begin the problem solving. Because let's validate it. It's a genuine need. It's a genuine need and desire to fit in from them. So, we're doing that. So, step one is we want to understand the emotional need first. And we validate that. Then we acknowledge what it means to them. I can see how hard it feels to be the only one without whatever that is. Without a phone. Without that particular jacket. Without that particular game. And we hear when we acknowledge what it means to our children. We want to resist the urge to minimize. Or disable. And dismiss what it means to them. Because that doesn't demonstrate that we're really acknowledging and seeing it from their lens. So, we're understanding the emotional need first. We're acknowledging what it means to them. And then we want to avoid lecturing and really avoid the sheep analogy. So, the cliff sheep analogy creates defensiveness rather than understanding. We're not coming at it from a perspective in terms of the way that our children receive it. That we're truly seeking to understand. And using that analogy in that context dismisses the very real social pressure that underlies this. That they are trying to navigate. So, instead, when we look at step four, what we're doing is we're focusing on every family is different. Different families. Different rules. Different values. So, explain your specific objection clearly. And when we think about this, really, our objections will either be, not now, or you're not ready yet, or no, not never. Yeah? So, not now, it could be a timing issue. So, we're having a conversation around, it's not now, it's a timing issue. And then what we might then do is we might explain with a timeline. Don't worry, I've got some suggestions coming. You're not ready yet, maybe what needs to happen first. So, for example, social media, you may say we want you to demonstrate responsible tech use. If it's later party times. We want you to show reliability with the current curfews. We want you to be able to demonstrate that when there's a curfew, you stick to it. If it's staying up late on Fridays, you want them to demonstrate that they can get their schoolwork done without there being huge battles so that that doesn't then impact by then staying up late. So, these are some possible outcomes. And don't worry, I've got some specific suggestions about how we might say that. So, we've got this notion about the three possible answers. If we're saying not now, you're not ready yet, or no, not never. But when we ought to consider saying yes. So, I know that the instinct is that if everyone jumped off a cliff, would you? Thinking that they're entitled, thinking that actually they shouldn't get what they want whenever they want to. However, there will be some instances when our children come to us and say that they are the only one, everyone else is. And it may be an opportunity for us that we hadn't considered a time to say yes. So, sometimes everyone. Everyone else is, is actually some valid and useful information. And that we may want to take that opportunity to say yes. So, there will be some times when our children come to us with this, everyone else is, where it may genuinely be an opportunity for us to consider it might be a time to say yes. Yeah? So, sometimes everyone else is, is actually valid information and an opportunity for us to reflect with a potential to say yes. Now, there are safety in numbers, so, for example, school trips age appropriate social norms so it may trigger us to think about is this a genuine developmental appropriateness for us we hadn't thought about doing that and actually they've raised a valid point and it is something that we ought to consider and the cost of all but and what you're basically doing is you're weighing up the cost of always being the outlier on your children's well-being now what I would say for this particular bit because there's a real caveat here because I think a lot of us as parents are really concerned about saying no and the impact on our children's well-being and then finding themselves saying yes to things that at a later stage they wish they hadn't and this is often around mobile devices and often around social platforms I am going to give you some context in which you could be saying not yet and biding yourself some time to see whether it really does have that impact so all I would say with the yes is to exercise a certain element of caution and follow some of the suggestions that I'm going to talk about about reflecting on some decisions first so that we don't find ourselves saying yes and then finding it really difficult to unravel particularly around some of this big stuff around tech and around social platforms which generally speaking once we've opened to that and I will say can of worms because it really does become a bit of a can of worms is once we've done that it can become incredibly difficult if not impossible to reel it back in so really think with those yeses has my child come to me with something for example it may well be for example your child may well be everyone else is getting the bus into school on their own that may genuinely be a developmental sort of opportunity for you to be thinking actually at the moment we're driving them in with their younger siblings but actually it's a really it's a great opportunity for them to be independent and so I might want to just sit with that but I think that feels like a reasonable yes so that's a different kind of yes than something let's say like an electronic device or social platforms that I believe require considerably more thinking before we act and we say yes so those are some of the that's sort of the five steps initially but let me give you some sort of age specific consideration so let's say we've got a younger child maybe five to seven and then everyone else gets to stay up until 8 p.m so we might say I hear you I get it in our family 7 30 is bedtime because your body needs 11 hours of sleep to grow other families might do things differently and that's okay so that's a hard no I hear you I validate you I understand why that's really important to you but I'm communicating to you why we do this in this family and we're approaching it from that perspective of every family is different the statement is short it's sharp it's succinct we don't get caught in a whole load of lecturing and a whole load of oh my goodness me we just simply say it as it is so let's say we've got slightly older children 8 to 10 year old everyone else has a phone yep classic one that we hear so we might say I know it feels like everyone and I understand you want to message your friends we know we're thinking about phones and when you're 11 12 13 yeah until then maybe you can use my phone to text friends on weekends what do you think about that so that is a not yet and we are suggesting we're proposing an opportunity a way that our children can stay connected and in contact with their friends and in lots of ways that's part of that demonstrating to us that they're going to be responsible and therefore ready for that so that could be another example now let's say we're moving up a little bit more our children are getting older and we're getting there they've been invited to a party and everyone else is going to the party and they're staying until 10 p.m 12 p.m 1 a.m whatever that might be so here we're not saying no but we want more information so tell me more about this party you know whose house who's going our parents there I'm hearing this math this matters to you yeah I'm acknowledging it's important let's figure out what we're comfortable with maybe we agree to 9 30 this time and see how it goes so again we're having that conversation around we understand why it's important to you we need more information we're not saying it's a no but we may be saying there's a compromise and we're asking for you to demonstrate that you are capable of managing curfews and deadlines and being responsible with that and therefore when you're responsible with that that builds our confidence so that next time it may well be later let's just a couple more here well just one more let's now think about as our children get older and there seems to be certainly in the UK a bit of a rite of passage when they get to 16 they've taken their GCSEs and a lot of them want to go to festivals so we get the everyone else's parents lets them go to festivals yeah so we might say I get that you feel you're missing out let's talk about what concerns me transport safety plans where you'd camp who you'd be hanging out with yeah and what can you put in place that will help me feel more comfortable this isn't a flat no I just need specifics so again we're acknowledging how important it is we're communicating our concerns in a clear concise way and then we're saying we're not saying no we're open to our concerns being addressed and then being able to move forward so can you see how that shifts that we're acknowledging why it's important to them and then we are either giving them a hard no this is how it works in our family and that's the end of it or not yet or let's have a bit more of a conversation around it I need more information so what happens now when we say no so I want to just talk through how we can help our children cope when the answer is no yeah so we want to initially of course acknowledge their disappointment I know this feels really unfair yeah now we might then offer alternatives if that is the case it's not always possible to offer alternatives so we might say you can't have a phone yet but you can use my phone to message friends as and when is needed for example remembering however that we're not always going to have alternatives it may just be a flat you're not going to that party you can't go to bed as late as you want to go to bed you can't have a phone yet so we want to acknowledge their disappointment if we can offer some alternatives or work around and then we want to reframe it as it's our family rather than it you're the different one yeah so rather than everyone else's you're different this is what we do our family our family values face-to-face time at dinner so no screens and then what's really helpful because remember this is being driven by a need for acceptance a need to belong a need to feel to not feel different so what we want the bit that is often the loose end that we might do some of the other things but we forget to do is want to help them prepare to be able to respond to their friends so that they feel that they've got some mechanism to be able to respond to their friends when their friends say well why can't you go to the party why don't you have a phone why can't i message you for example and i found generally speaking that i typically approach it on that i'm quite happy to be with the bad guy just simply say to your friends you know you you'd love to have it but your parents have said absolutely categorically no and and we mean we're horrible we don't understand but we want to you know we mustn't forget that last piece because the driver is the peer relation so we want to equip them you know and acknowledge you know i know it feels it's going to feel hard when your friends are all saying why haven't you got one and maybe you're feeling like we're treating you like a baby and that they're your friends are going to think that of you as well so how might my friends are going to think that of you as well how might you be able to speak to your peers about it how might you be able to tell your friends about this what might you say let's have a think about it and so we can equip them with a this is how you might respond and in lots of ways helping them find a response that helps them get safe face and that it's us in lots of ways that the finger is pointed at rather than it being them not being responsible and it may well be that they say you know you know my parents just don't do that my older brother or my older sister wasn't allowed it until this point and i'm like they're sticking with that regardless so we want to be able to do that i want to add before we start moving on to the comparison piece for us as parents just a final consideration that may well be that sometimes when our children say everyone else is is that there is actually the reason why we're saying no is that there is a financial consideration we are you know as parents we get pulled and pushed in multiple directions and our children are pulled and pushed in multiple directions and our money can only go so far there may well be some things that we would really love to be able to do for our children maybe there's a school trip that they want to go on and actually it's just going to overextend us or you know we'd love to buy them certain things but we just can't do that or activities that they want to do so i do think when our children get caught it up in that everyone else has and we genuinely can't afford it i think their age appropriate conversations around that i think is helpful so one of the things that we can look at doing is we might want to consider some form of monthly allowance or weekly allowance system so that our children begin to be able to understand the concept of of finances and money and being able to save up for things and it may well be that we agree a matching basis you save up half and we'll match your half and therefore you can then be in a situation that you can then do that but I do think helping them understand that and having honest conversations that are age appropriate we do not want to be saying to our children in whichever form shape or form we do it that fundamentally you're bleeding us dry and you know we've barely got two pennies to rub together because we're constantly accommodating you and of course we don't intentionally say that but we can sometimes do that inadvertently whilst also remembering that you know if you're listening to this and the financial struggles are are there it's considering that our children are often not necessarily acting from a place of entitlement our children don't necessarily I know children are always asking for things but we're the ones that fundamentally make the decisions around how much we spend on children's our children's clothing how much we spend on their furniture how much we spend on holidays how much we may if we choose to send our children to schools where we have to pay school fees and that can cause a huge amount of strain but it's remembering that we often make those choices in terms of what we spend rather than our children our children can ask for lots of things and they will do however much you spend however however much or how little you spend there will always be wanting more we as humans are susceptible and vulnerable to the marketing in the media all of the time so we're always wanting and yet as adults we're the ones that make the final decision so it's really thinking about the decisions that we make and how we can have those age-appropriate conversations with our children so they understand that they can make contributions themselves that they can save up that there are some things that we value as a family that we're going to spend money on and that there are other things that we don't value that we're not going to and we also it's a real opportunity to have conversations as to there's a difference between what I want what I desire and what I need and that whole process of delayed gratification that you know I can wait to be able to receive something that I want whilst I actually accept what I need it now so I just wanted to add that financial because that's a really big piece that can drive some of this so that's how we might deal with things from a perspective of when the comparison comes from our children therapy's
Speaker 1biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough it shows up in the smallest moments you bite your tongue instead of escalating you put your phone down instead of firing off that text you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most nobody applauds those moments but they quietly change your life that's what growing feels like and that's exactly what grow therapy is here for grow is therapy that works covered by insurance sessions average 21 with insurance and some pay as little as zero dollars depending on their plan there are no subscriptions no long-term commitments you just pay per session grow connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends you can search by what matters like insurance specialty identity or availability and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the national 48 day average see if you could pay as little as zero dollars for therapy in seconds at grow therapy.com slash a cast that's grow therapy.com slash a cast grow therapy.com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan now i want to talk about
Speaker 2when everyone else is from the comparison of parents and it is very much the silent comparison everyone else's chart you know we've had those moments where everyone else's children are learned they're learning an instrument should we push jack everyone else is tutoring for the sats or entrance exams should we everyone else's baby is sleeping through the night what are we doing to make sure that everyone else's baby is sleeping through the night what are we doing wrong you know i remember certainly i can remember the sleep thing being a massive thing when my children were younger and thinking particularly with my eldest you know think feeling that he was never ever going to sleep through the night and he did in his own time when he was able to turn over and sleep on his tummy that was it but you know we get caught in that massive massive comparison and it's about remembering that our children are always listening when we get caught in this every single day we get caught in that massive massive comparison everyone else's baby sleeps through our children begin to internalize that comparison and how we measure it so it's modeling modeling really matters how we handle comparison teaches our children how to handle their comparisons yeah so the school gates gossip you think they don't hear but they do so really thinking about what am i saying how am i handling myself and how am i how might that be impacting what might my child be hearing and modeling so that when they get caught in the comparison trap they can see because it's been modeled to them that we stand firm in who we are as a family and what's important in terms of those those values and it is you know it's the hardest line to discern isn't it it's accepting our children for who they are rather than trying to force them to be and i know it's that difficult dilemma isn't it between it's that accepting our children for who they are versus pushing them out of their comfort zone because we want them to become their best self so and it isn't an easy line to be clear on and comparison makes it much much murkier so we then get caught in this when is it enrichment as in it's enrichment for them to become their best self and when is it projection these are the things that i wish i had done for myself or that i would like for my children so i just want to go through a five-step framework for us as parents in terms of how we might be able to discern from that so that we can sense check ourselves so the first one is is about drawing ourselves back to our child's uniqueness so that's before we do so we get caught in that everyone else's child is doing this they're they're tutoring they're playing a musical instrument what are we doing wrong are we pushing our children enough are we not pushing them enough is pull yourself back to what makes your child unique what are their strengths what are their interests what are their needs yeah and not the child that you imagined that you are going to have but the child that is actually your child in front of you and what i would say here particularly if you are a parent of a neurodivergent child that comparison pressure can be absolutely brutal because everyone it can feel like everyone else's child is reading sitting still making friends so it's remember we have to keep grounding ourselves back in a the unique uniqueness of the child we have not the child that we want to have so that's number one is draw ourselves back to our child's uniqueness the second one and i think this is a really powerful one is rather than acting initially and i i've been so been there in that holder like this is our lane we're not going to do over tutoring this is what we're going to do getting caught up in the school gates and then almost going home and like going right that's it we need to tutor we need to do this instead give yourself 48 hours literally take the heat out of that decision take the heat out of that comparison do you still feel the same after 48 hours or was it a momentary comparison judgment triggered by a conversation yeah the school gate panic often fades with distance the time that we have from it the distance we have from it can make a huge difference that can be the second thing to do and then ask yourself some why yeah why do i think this matters whose this is a such a powerful one whose voice am i hearing mine my parents societies another parents are friends yeah because that's really telling this is part of what we can do in those 48 hours while we're waiting am i trying to fix a problem that actually doesn't exist is this about my child's well-being or is this about my anxiety my stress my worry my validation as a parent there's nothing wrong with that this is not about shame but the more we can do this the better we are operating from a perspective of what's in my child's best interests rather than what's the knee-jerk reaction that i found myself in that a week two weeks six months down the line i wish i hadn't started so asking those why questions then it's about reconnecting with your values and the adult you want your child to become so it's remembering we're reverse engineering we are raising adults that will be resilient that will be able to cope in society that will hold down a job they'll you know they'll have some form of home that they will habit they will earn their own living they will make their own decisions they will bounce back from setbacks so it's then asking ourselves what qualities matter to us most whether that's kindness resilience curiosity independence and then does this choice align with those values. Will this help them become that adult or is this just noise? Someone else's noise, someone else's values that are not in line with what are our family values. And then the final one, and this is always a crucial one, is connect with your tribe and talk it through. Not the comparison fueling conversations, but trusted friends who know your child. Yeah. Have an honest conversation. I'm feeling pressured about getting my child a phone. I'm feeling pressured about my child taking on an instrument. I'm feeling pressured that we ought to start tutoring. Help me reality check this. You know, find parents who share your values, not your anxieties. Yeah. So these can be, some of the practical litmus tests that you can do beyond the 48 hours. So you've given yourself 48 hours, you've reflected on how it sits with your values and other things. But these are some of the things that you can then do is, is does it align with our family values? Is it safe and age appropriate? You know, what's driving the urgency? Is it my anxiety or is it a genuine need? If I removed, this is a powerful one, if I removed the comparison piece from the equation, would I still pursue this? If that was gone, would I still be looking to tutor? Would I still be looking to get them a mobile phone? Would I still be looking and urging them to play another, to play a musical instrument? What does my child actually want versus what I want for them? Now there's always dangers of both extremes. You know, there's always the danger of accommodating everyone else's. So our values drift and then we have no boundaries, but then also never listening to, in the peer context, we have no boundaries. So we have no boundaries. Our children then end up social isolation and this rigidity. So it's always about when we're thinking about this from our children's perspective and also from ours, some form of middle ground. You know, we want to have a discernment based on values, not on fear or comparison. So what I just want to do is there are some important things that we do need to take into account, some special considerations when it comes to neurodiversity, privilege and resources and social media. So when we're talking about neurodiversity, comparison pressure is exponentially harder for parents of neurodivergent children, because we have this whole, everyone else's child doesn't need a visual schedule, movement breaks, extra processing time. What we, I would urge you to consider is that your child's needs are valid, even if they are different and comparison steals from you the energy that you need. Advocate for them. And what I would say is if you are a parent of a neurotypical child is be aware, be kind, be compassionate to those who have a neurodivergent child so that we can be kind, community embracing parents who value and understand and empathize how, you know, our neurotypical world places neurodivergent children at a huge disadvantage and how that may well improve. Impact parents of neurodivergent children. I think it's also important in terms of special considerations around privilege and resources. Everyone else often reflects a specific socioeconomic bubble. Not everyone can do what everyone else does. And it's important that we also are able to teach our children about equity and differences and have those honest conversations, because it may well be that our children have a lot of equity and differences, but it's also important that we have those honest conversations, because it may well be that our children have a lot of equity and differences, but it's also important that we have those honest conversations, because it may well be that our children have a lot of equity and differences, but it's also important that we have those honest conversations, because it may well be that our children have a lot of equity and differences, but it's also important that we have those honest conversations, because it may well be that our children have that privilege and that resources, but helping them to understand that that isn't the case for everybody. And it is important from a societal perspective, as important as it is when we're talking, if we're not in the privilege or the resources. But I also think it's really helpful for our children to understand that just because we can, doesn't necessarily mean that we should, because this whole idea about delay and gratification of being able to wait for something, just because we can have something doesn't mean we should have it immediately, and that striving and that earning or saving up for it is a really important part of that process too. And then the final piece in terms of just that sort of special consideration is the social media reality is that Instagram parenting is a highlight reel, not a factual documentary. And so if you are on social platforms that are making you, fueling that comparison, really consider unfollowing accounts that trigger that comparison. And if you're on social platforms that are making that comparison, that comparison spiral that have you in and curate your feed to truly reflect your values and not others' performance. I think that's a, it's a, it's a really important piece. So let me just give you a couple of examples, and then we're going to work through just some objections to see if this can help before I set you a challenge. So if we think about it from a child's perspective, go right back to that everyone else's from our children's perspective, your 13 year old is asking for social media when everyone else has it. And we will, we will respond with, I know this feels huge. Let's break it down. You can have Instagram at 14. That's our line until then. What if we trial with a private account you share with me for three months, that way you can learn how it works and I can help you navigate it safely. And then when you are 14, because you've demonstrated your ability to use it and you've come to terms with, you know, how to use it, you've come to terms with, you know, how to use it. Best practice and keeping yourself safe online. We can then look at you then having your own full account. So that's a way that we can go through that from a parent perspective, the school gate conversation, you know, all of the year six parents are hiring tutors for 11 plus exams and you go home spiraling. Should we be doing this? You have the 48 hour rule. You realize that actually your child, your child is thriving academically. Your family values creativity over scores and tutoring would mean losing your Saturday mornings of family time. So you make a decision that you're not going to do a tutor at the moment, but you'll revisit it if your child struggles or asks for support. So can you see how we just take that knee jerk piece out and we give ourselves that opportunity to really sit and reflect with it? You know, if we think about it from a modeling example, your baby isn't sleeping. A friend mentions that their baby is sleeping 12 hours straight. Don't we just love it when our friends do that? Instead of saying what's wrong with ours, what's wrong with my child, they're not sleeping 12 hours. Instead, why don't we try that statement? Every child is different because they are. Ours is working on it and we're, we're getting through it. And what happens is your older child, when they hear and see you say that because you're modeling it, you've just taught them that different is okay. Not a problem to fix. Rather than that knee jerk, our children hear that their younger sibling is not sleeping 12 hours. And then suddenly we're racing around trying to fix a problem, which is at an unconscious level, communicating to our child that this is a problem and it needs fixing. So let's just talk about a couple of things that might be some objections just because I want to be thorough here. So what if my child is being left out and it is affecting their mental health? Okay. So this is a valid concern. The question is here is will giving in actually solve the root issue? Yeah. Sometimes yes, it is. If it's genuinely around social connection, but sometimes it's no, because if the deep, if it's deeper at the heart of this is a lack of confidence or lack of social skills, lack of self-esteem and a sense of belonging, what we then really want to do is we want to tackle that because giving in to the everyone else's doesn't fix it. So what we might want to consider in those situations is maybe we do a trial period. Yeah. Maybe we do some compromises. Maybe we look at some professional support if that's needed and then we can put things in place. So sometimes when we kind of sort of make decisions or we consider making decisions because we think actually this is really going to affect my child's emotional wellbeing if they are different, unless the saying yes is going to actually deal with the root cause, then saying yes really doesn't because we need to do that work that underpins it first. What if we can't tell if, you know, and you may well be listening here saying, actually, what if I, if I can't tell if it's my comparison anxiety as a parent, or it's a genuine concern. So again, with this, it's always about pausing. Don't act. You don't need to act. Maybe sit with it for a bit. Journal, make a few notes, ask yourself some more why questions, talk to someone who knows you and knows your child. Well, ask your child directly. How much does this matter to you? Really? And does the urgency come from within or does that urgency come from externals? And if it's coming from external, then you've got your answer. It's not, it's a comparison anxiety rather than it being a genuine concern. Just one more objection. You know, aren't we, you know, potentially we could be saying, aren't we teaching kids to be too different if we never follow everyone else? And there is a difference between principled boundaries and arbitrary contrarism. Yeah. So is our saying no based on values? So this is our values and that contradicts our values, or is it based on control? Am I as a parent? just digging my heels in and trying to control. You know, kids need some alignment with their peers for their social development. And we just want to make sure that we're picking the right battles. Some things genuinely don't matter. Some things do because they go against our family values. So just to sort of summarize, I think before we sort of finish this episode, from our children, everyone else's perspective, we want to understand the belonging need beneath the request. We want to acknowledge and not lecture. We want to explain our reasoning clearly, not now, not ready or never, and why. Understanding when to say yes and using age appropriate responses so that our children can understand. And for parents, the everyone else is, we want to return to that unique child that we have and our family values. We give ourselves those 48 hours before we make those big decisions. Let's reflect on it. Let's sit with it. Let's ask ourselves some questions. Let's ask the why. Let's ask ourselves whose voice and ask ourselves what adult we're raising. Talk it through with people who know you and have that honest conversation and then model healthy comparison, responses to comparison for our children so that they can see when these things come up, it is not a problem that needs to be fixed, but simply a demonstration of different values. Yeah, both you and your child are navigating the same human need to belong while staying true to who you are. When you handle your comparison with wisdom, you teach them to handle theirs. So this week, this is your listener challenge. But this week, if your child says everyone else is, use the validation and values framework and notice what happens when you acknowledge the feeling first. And if you catch yourself in comparison, give yourself that 48 hour rule, write down the comparison thought and revisit it in two days. Has it shifted? And then of course, share with me how you've got on and what's happened, what's been useful and what you've learned as a part of that process. And as always, if you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me at If you haven't enjoyed this episode, if you have found it helpful, then why not consider sharing this with another friend or parent who may benefit from the same wisdom. And if you haven't yet done so, then maybe just take a few moments to rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. So you're not worried about hosting the whole family for the holidays? Why would I be? Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready. What if Mike brings his cheerful dogs? My tree has tons of five star reviews telling me how sturdy it is.
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