The commodification of friendship: 4 signs it's not authentic

(upbeat music) You're listening to the Friend Forward Podcast where we are dedicated to unpacking the complexities of women's friendships. I'm your host, Danielle Byer Jackson, a friendship coach and educator and author of the book Fighting for Our Friendships. And this week on the show, we're gonna explore the commodification of community. I mean, skincare brands, coffee brands, co-working spaces, they're all getting into the business of community, which means that they are trying to sell their goods and services by promising some kind of artificial semblance of community, drawing on your natural human desire to be in a space of belonging. And I wanna chat through it. I say this often in certain episodes, I'm a former high school English teacher. That's my, I always say my past life, even though being an educator you never stop being a teacher. Like that's my identity. That is who I am through and through, right? But because of that background, I like to anchor certain conversations by defining the word that we're examining just to make sure we're on the same page. Now, when you look up the word community, it says a group of people living in the same place or having a characteristic in common. It goes on to say a feeling of fellowship with others as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. Now, if we were to get into the etymology of the word, I don't wanna get too into that because that's kind of beyond my scope, but I do think it's interesting that when it goes into the Latin version of the word or the old English version of the word, it brings up things like fellowship and it brings up a phrase, common ownership, common ownership. This phrase matters, and I'm gonna tell you why in just a moment, but first let's look at this. By definition, when you look up community or you're referring to the word community, you're describing a group of people who are connected through three things, one of three things, geography, traits, and interests. Let's look at each, okay? If you are referring to the geographical connection between the people, then you are gonna use the word community, right? So for example, I'm here in sunny Tampa, Florida. I'm in the Tampa community, the Tampa community, just by default, just because of the fact that I live here, okay? It can also be used to describe a group of people who share certain traits. So if you're a part of the Asian community, the deaf community, right? These people who share a certain trait and therefore by extension, maybe a certain experience. And then interests. So if you're a part of the theater community or the fashion community, we know that you take an interest in these things, and because of that, you're with a group of people who just get it. When these brands are using the word community, they are using it correctly if they're referring to people who use their product. Then you're a part of their community, that makes sense. I think the trouble for me, and maybe for you, if you've been suckered by this, is when brands or these organizations or some women's group in your city is using this word community, and they're not necessarily just referring to shared geography, traits, or interests, but what they're doing is trying to communicate a certain feeling or intention, a feeling of fellowship, a feeling of intentionality, shared space, shared ownership, and they're using that word to draw you in, knowing that we're all hungry for and more importantly, desire and for community. You as a consumer, hear this word and think, oh my gosh, yes, that's what I've been longing for. I need to be plugged into a community only to attend set event, only to buy the certain product and realize that communal feeling you've been looking for is not present. No, in just a moment, I'm gonna give you some, I don't wanna say signs, 'cause people are always like red flags and this and that, but some things that you can consider, some factors to consider, if you're trying to gauge whether or not this space that you're about to enter into is truly a community. And if you're a person who's a community organizer, you are a community builder. Hopefully this list helps you see if what you're intending to build is kind of qualifying as the actual. So before we do, I want to kind of note the difference between community and friendship. So we know the community includes, share geography, traits and/or interests, right? But you can join a community and not feel like you have friendship, which is an intentional, reciprocal, elective relationship with another person. So you could be a part of a community, like I'm a part of the Tampa community and not have friendships within those communities, but you're here for another purpose, because you guys are like exchanging goods and services and support and all that, but you don't necessarily have intimate, one-on-one personal relationships within the community, okay? So communities have friendships within them, and in my opinion, it's necessary for community at large to thrive is relationships. And then for friendships, you can have a sense of community and your friendship group, right? So I just wanted to kind of highlight the relationship between those two words, community and friendship. With that being said, if you are leading some kind of women's group and you've been using the phrase, you know, community, this is community, or if you're a brand leader and you're using that word, I want you to pay close attention, and if you're a woman who's been looking for community, here are some tangible things you can kind of evaluate to see if it's what you're looking for. The first is real communities are co-creating solutions to a problem. If you have one leader who's telling everybody what to do, they're telling you what direction we're gonna take, they are telling you what solutions they've come up with, and it's like a one-to-many situation. I am not sure about the degree to which that's actually community, and again, we're not talking about the technical aspect, because if all of these people work in the same company, or if they're all using the same brand, the technical definition of that, they're serving that purpose. You guys have shared geography, shared employment so your community, but if you're talking about a communal feel, it can't have that kind of power dynamic, where one person's in charge, they're the boss, and everybody listens and does what they say, is that really community? I'm not sure. So instead, an alternative is people are co-creating solutions. There's a level of feedback and mutual exchange. If that's happening where the power is kind of shared, then it is a community in terms of the kind with a communal feel with fellowship. The next would be positive experiences, right? 'Cause if I'm in a shared space, and there's people here who are sharing this space with me, but we're not happy about being here, and there's always negative things that are transpiring at once we're here, I don't know how much of a community it is. Again, we're using the feelings aspect, or like the sentimental communal feeling aspect of that word. So if we're all here, and we all share a certain trait, okay, that's one thing, but if it's always filled with negative experiences, there's toxicity, we are unhappy being here. People are sowing seeds of disharmony. It's, I don't know the degree, again, to which it's a true community. So what is the spirit or the culture of that shared space? That is really where people feel more comfortable using that word, community. The next would be, and this is specifically for brands, if you hear a brand using the word community, and they could easily substitute that word with email list, I don't know that that's the same thing. This is no shade, but I mean, this is for brand leaders too. Women in leadership, if you're using that word, community, community, are you saying, oh yeah, my community, we have a community of 5,000 people. Do you mean that your email list is 5,000 people? Where you're the one leading the charge, and people aren't talking to each other, they're just hearing from you, and they can hit reply, and reply back to you, is that a community, or is it your email list? Is it your followers? I hate every time I say that word, I cringe, but your followers, in terms of social media language, that you don't engage with, that you don't respond to on their posts, that they don't engage with each other. I don't know that community would be the appropriate word for what you're trying to convey, unless you just mean people who subscribed to my newsletter. Okay? But if you're boasting about your community, and you're really just talking about your follower count, or your email list, or the number of members signed up for the group, they're not necessarily the same thing. I'm saying all this with love, you can probably almost hear it in my hesitation to just call it out plain, but I'm saying it with a spirit of love. And then the final thing is just, is there a level of giving and receiving by all members? Do we all equally own the space? Do I give and receive in the space? Give and receive reciprocal exchanges? The reason that's important is because if you have members who are coming to get what they can get, and then they leave. Whether that's I'm using a particular person, or I'm just using this space to come and get some resources, and then leave. I'm coming to get poured into even church, amen somebody? If I'm coming to get filled, I'm coming to get fed, and then I leave. I'm coming to get a lesson and then I leave. I'm coming to get tips from this panel, and then I leave. I'm coming to this email list to get some tips from the person who's writing it, and then I leave. How communal is it if I'm coming to extract, and then withdrawal? But if I also feel a sense of commitment and duty, then I know that it's also required of me to share my resources to the group, because that's what we do here. These are some things that you can think through as a community builder, as a woman searching for community. These brands might be using the words appropriately if they're signaling that they have a bunch of people who share space, or they share certain traits. But if they're trying to hint to you about a feeling of fellowship and a communal spirit, yet you don't hear any of these elements I just listed, I'm just gonna ask us to interrogate that, and think twice about it. Get curious about being intentional about the words that we use. Now, I'm gonna say this so that you don't think that it's coming from a high and mighty accomplished place. Even I was convicted producing this episode and scripting this out, because I thought, you know, just to use the example of being a part of the Tampa community, well, I live here, but am I an active member of the Tampa community? I have to ask myself, do I buy local? Do I prioritize buying local? Do I attend, you know, the town hall meetings about what's going on in our city, right? Or do I just passively consume it in the local news or whatever, but do I also like attend and lend my voice to the shaping and the influence of this community? Do I volunteer and give back to certain groups within this community, right? So I actually got really convicted when I thought about myself as a Tampa community member. I had to get clear on that. Now, as an example of a space where we do this pretty well is, you know, currently in our group coaching program, which I'm not selling you, if you're like me sometimes, I tune out when it feels like somebody's about to sell me, I'm not selling you, 'cause the group is closed. So you couldn't even join us right now if you wanted to. But, you know, we're about three weeks in to this experience and it does feel very communal. So yes, I'm coaching and I'm leading and I'm doing the education and facilitating, but women are going back and forth in the discussion boards without me. Women are responding in the WhatsApp group that we have without me, they're going back and forth, right? We feel equally accountable to one another. We set agreements before we kicked off to say, okay, I'm gonna commit to this, can you commit to this? And that's how we're gonna keep this group feeling safe, right? And so we all buy in and our present is required for us to feel like everybody's here, everybody matters. These are the kinds of things I want us to be asking if we're gonna be using the word community, community, 'cause it's important, it's important, it matters. I wanna end with this before giving us our weekly homework. If you are a woman who's looking to get plugged in, you wanna learn how to have better friendships and communities, 'cause now we know the difference. We have something for you coming on March 8th. I can't share the details just yet, but I do wanna share them early for those of you who plan on flying in for this experience. Here in Tampa, Florida, we will be having an event on March 8th, I think tentatively the hours are from nine to two. It will be a summit of sorts, okay? Here in sunny Tampa, Florida. On March 7th, that Friday night, 'cause the summit will take place on a Saturday, we're having a VIP experience. And even that, I said to my team, I'm like, I don't even know if I wanna use that word, 'cause I don't know how I feel about like different tiers of experience, but that's quite literally what it is because it will be capped. It will be intimate. It's in a space that is truly beautiful, okay? Beautiful, but we have to cap that at 20, and we have to cap the summit at 45. Could we rent a bigger space? We absolutely could. Do I have partnerships here in Tampa where we could have a big, large summit of all the people? I absolutely do, and I'm grateful for those relationships, but it will not achieve the feeling I want to achieve. This summit, I think, is capped at 45 or 50. We got a small space where we can meet everyone. There's gonna be speed-friending, there's gonna be panels, keynotes, you are going to learn, okay? It also will include lunch. It also will include some one-on-one time. With me a little bit, I'll get to kind of see everybody very briefly on Saturday, that Saturday, March 8th, and we're having our classic speed-friending event. This will be the fourth time we have hosted one of our speed-friending events, where you get intentional time, one-on-one, with other human beings. Some success stories, we've seen some women who gathered at the last event that we had, this past March, and they literally created friendships during our speed-friending event. They are still friends. I think it has been, what, six months, six months later, they're still attending events together and they met at our speed-friending event. That's the kind of thing that we stand behind, and therefore we know that it has to be a small intimate environment. I can share more about that later, but I want to start putting it out there, 'cause I want to honor people who want to save up and be intentional about flying into sunny Tampa, Florida on the weekend of March 7th and 8th. Please stay tuned. If you want to learn more about that to be like a possible vendor, or you want to be at an attendee, you're not missing anything, we haven't put any information up on the website, but I do just feel as good to share what's coming so you can be ready. I'd love to meet you. I'd love to see you. I'd love to eat with you and fellowship with you on the night of Friday, March 7th. If you want that enhanced experience, and then on the morning and afternoon of March 8th. If you have questions about that, you want to know more, you want to be involved? Hello at betterfemalefriendships.com. Now let's get into our homework to wrap this up nice and neat, okay? As your new official friendship coach, here's your homework, listen closely. I want you to think about a brand or an organization that has been using the word community. Like it's all over their socials and in their marketing language. And I want you to measure against the list that I just provided for you. Now this is not with the spirit to call anybody out, but I want us to start to get intentional about using this word. And if we realize we've been missing the mark, to figure out what do you need to include so it feels like an actual community, right? Because if you're a brand leader who's listening, I know we have a lot of women who are in some role of leadership or management. If you've been using this word and you realize, oh gosh, you know, the space that I'm referring to as a community, there aren't equal exchanges. It is a very one to many feel. It does feel transactional. People are coming to just take what they need in leaving. If I don't participate in it and put my hand in it to turn at the activity and conversation, then it wouldn't exist. People wouldn't be contributing without my involvement. If that's the case, I hope that this encourages you and equips you to figure out where the gaps are so that you really can provide more of a communal experience. That's my assignment for you, okay? All right, I'll be thinking of you this week as you apply it as your reflective, it certainly made me reflect as I put this together for you this week. And I hope it does the same for you. I hope you'll come and share your thoughts with me on Instagram @FriendFord. In the DMs, you know I love a good voice note. You know that I'll be right here rooting for you always on your ongoing journey toward better female friendships. Until next time.