The College Con

The following program contains names, places and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a left one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233-4-Support. Happy dating detectives Monday! Hi beautiful! You have a adorable shirt on, it's a sensitive, what does it say? A sensitive soul. A sensitive queen! A sensitive queen! Even better! Because I'm sensitive, don't get it twisted though, like I'll still go off. Well we have a queen on today, our guest is awesome. Yeah and it's interesting because this one, it's enough to make you think you're crazy. I think so many people will relate to it because you just don't realize what's going on under your nose and it makes you feel crazy or stupid and you're not. Spoiler alert, you're not. Yeah, I mean you'll hear, I was reminded of a friend's story as she was talking, my like a friend is going through right now. So it's the little things that you can be in the middle of and think I can explain this away, maybe it's not as big of a red flag as I think. Basically moral of her story is always asked questions, even when you think you're crazy, but we'll let her tell you the rest. And also I just want to thank you guys for being so cool, I'm just so grateful for our audience and for our patriots, our sleuthies, and if you have a story to share, please email it to us and investigate at thedatingdetectivespodcast.com. Yes, and you can talk to us on all things, social media, dating a detective's podcast. Also, really quick before we start, I feel like I want to say something about how the news cycle this week has just been so heavy about sexual assault and rape and rape culture and that's obviously a thing that comes up on our show. So I just want to send extra love to survivors, it's just a really heavy time and we're here for you. This is a community of people who believe you and want you to feel supported and loved and we're in it with you. You're not alone. Yeah. It's a lot. So this one's a little bit lighter, not as heavy, so I hope it kind of is a little bit of a less heavy talent, it's deep, it's deep, it's deep, got some financial stuff going on, y'all. Shall we? Yeah, let's introduce you to our guest. Lucy, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. We are ready for your story as ready as we'll ever be. Yeah, you have the floor, girl, take us away. Absolutely. So I'm at David when I was 15, I just moved high schools, didn't know anybody and we became friends at first for about a year. I was initially drawn to him because I like a motor cross boy that has that bad boy kind of persona. However, he was actually very sweet and easy going. Everybody liked him, everyone wanted to be around him. I'm an only child, so my parents are very involved in my life. So he just kind of became another member of our family. He went to everything with me, my parents got to know him very well and everyone thought we were those high school sweetheart that we're going to make it, you know? So David came from a very wealthy, well-connected family, mostly driven by his grandfather. His grandfather Walter, he made his fortune in finance and set up trust fund for all the grandchildren. So David was set for life, whether he did something or not. That was not a part of why I liked him. That's just a factor in my story and kind of comes in later. I graduated high school at 16, I graduated early, not because of David, but I was just ready. So because of that, even though he was a great older than me, we graduated at the same time. So I graduated at 16, he graduated at 17, and after about a year of dating, we first went off to college. So I originally went to school in Ohio and we're in Georgia, so he went to the university before the pretty close to our home. I decided not to follow him because I've always been about independence being successful on my own, and I had gotten a full ride, so I went off to Ohio. This girl graduates early from high school full ride, and it's like, boy, by, I'll write you. However, we still get duped by men. Speaking of finances in relationships and financial education in general, I want to talk about credit. I'm very proud that I have good credit, and I wouldn't if my parents hadn't been so involved in helping me build that when I was like 18 and starting my life as an adult, because I didn't know anything. And this story as we go on continues to talk about that. And that's why I love monarch, and I love that we advertise with monarch, because monarch is an app that will help you simplify your finances and provide so much clarity for a subject that we all hate. It's not sexy, and it is complicated. So what monarch does is one look pretty, and that is important. It is easy to see, it's like the functionality is easy for me. I don't dread checking it, and it helps set a saving goal, and not just tell you what you've already spent, but it maps out a big purchase or shows if you're on track, and helps you adjust before it's too late. It also has an AI assistant and an AI insight feature that will help you ask, you could be like, how much should I spend on travel last summer, and can I afford this? Which is a question you need to be asking. And then it can help point out if your spending's gone up, or if there's a red flag that you need to adjust for. Write your own money story with monarch, use code [email protected] to get your first year of monarch core half off at just $50. That's 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code dating. So you go to college. We go to college, and we're dating long distance. Very easy. He actually visits me all the time. It's a 16 hour drive, and he makes it in a single day to come visit me for the weekend, and then go back to school. So like, oh, wow. That's nice. Yeah. Wow. Wow. So he misses a lot of school, which I find kind of wild at the time. Maybe it was my first indicator of like, what's going on here? Because at my school, I couldn't miss class like that. But he said because he was at a big school, his class is really large. They didn't take attendance. So that's why he should get away. That's true. But also to have time to drive 16 hours, like a lot. Yeah. He did go visit him one time, freshman year, went and saw his dorm, met his weird roommate. And I think that was all I needed to see to go, you know what? You can keep visiting me. Absolutely. Totally. Totally fine. So let's go to where things don't add up. Like the little bits and pieces that start making me go, am I being told the whole truth here? So he never remembered when school breaks were. I don't know if you remember being in college or even in high school where you were counting down the days for fall break, and then as soon as you start fall break, you know when that when you get ready for it, yeah, right. So you get that burn in your brain that you're going back on January 3rd or whatever it is. Yes. He never knew those dates. He never, he was like, oh, his own school for his own school. So that was weird to me, but I talked it up to him being just like a silly boy because he was so laid back, he's kind of dopey. Was he a good student? Allegedly. I mean, like in high school, he was fine. Yeah, you never saw a flag in that department. Yeah. I mean, he graduated. I don't know. Yeah. We were there together. I was top 10%. He was not. But like once again, boy, just hanging out, I mean, I was like, I don't need you to be as successful as me because I'm good. You're just sweet and just like someone who's easy going. Like, I think that's where you give too much grace at that point because you're just like, oh, he's just a boy. That's true. Yeah. So fast forward, we're in sophomore year of college now and he's getting his own off-campus apartment. Which is great because that dorm room, I was happy to never have to visit the dorm room ever again. I transferred back to Georgia. I just had not to go to the same school as him. I go to a different school in Georgia. However, at first, when I first talked about it, he was on board. He wanted me to go to the same school. But as we got closer to it, he was a super supportive of all of the sudden for me to go to the other one. And I thought he was just being supportive of me doing what I want, not what's best for the relationship. So now we're a lot closer. So I can drive. I have my car now. I can drive to him. And I'm ready to visit him the first time sophomore year. And all of the sudden, he has a water main break in his apartment. And he has to move out immediately so I can't he's no reason for me to come this weekend. I have to move and go great. I don't know. I'll be move anyway. And I don't hear from him for like a day because he's having to move out. So he tells me, oh my gosh, amazing. I actually have my cousin who's a girl who I've met many times. My cousin actually has a space in her town home. I'm going to have to move in with her, which is very innocent. ever she lived with another girl from our high school that I always thought they had like some weird chemistry, and I was a huge fan of her because she wasn't very kind to me, but it was one of those things that was his option, if he had to move in with his cousin and his other girl. So not not thrilled about it, however, that's when a red flag went up too, I'm going, if they were in student housing, how do they magically have a space open for him? It didn't add up at all. So I go visit the first time, and I am in the bedroom, he is showering, and I hear the two girls that live there in the kitchen talking to some of their friends, and they are talking about how they, they're like whispering, but like it's a very loud whisper. I can't believe that she believes this, I can't believe that she's like going away with it, just snack talking me while I'm in the bedroom. It's Valentine's weekend, by the way. Oh my god. And I come out and have just like a freak out to them. He's still in the shower, doesn't know this is happening. I'm like, I looked you in the face, I asked you guys if he was lying to me, you said no, I knew he was lying, I knew he'd been here all along, but no one told me, I mean, it was crazy. Imagine this man comes out of a shower wrapped in the towel, and this World War Three is happening. So it go back into the bedroom, I let him have it. And basically he tells me, look, yes, I was lying, I didn't want you to be upset, it wasn't an option. This is what my grandfather was willing to pay for for my cousin and I, because grandpa is also taking care of cousin. Okay. So he said, you know, this is like a money thing, I didn't get to choose, but I didn't want you to be upset. So it's not a lie bigger than that. He's not cheating. So they didn't say anything like that. They just like, no, it wasn't a cheating thing. It was just lying about something, so many lies led up to that. You're like, why? Why not just tell me rip the bay and aid off and say, my grandfather said I had to split rent with my cousin. Yeah, honestly, I that leads us up to all the other lies. You're like, why lie about that? Why lie about that? That's not a big deal, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Oh my god. You guys, I don't know if you've heard, but I opened a Barbie studio for my business. So I wanted a space where I could do makeup and connect with my audience and have makeup classes and beauty education and just a fun place to go and create content. And I used Wayfair to furnish most of it. So I got a really cool velvet, tufted pink chair with this nail head trim. It's so beautiful. And it fits perfectly in the Barbie studio. And then I got a matching vanity chair and mirrors. And I got some pictures for the wall. 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Find the fall pieces you'll reach for most at Quins. Download the Quins app for app exclusive offers or go to quins.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quins asks where you heard about them, let them know it was the dating detective's podcast. It's the best way to support the show. So we continue dating. He stays living with them the entire time and I graduate after four years and then merely go into the workforce. He stays because he is going through a five year program to get his finance degree. So they have a five year program where you can get your masters and your undergrad instead of in six years and getting five. So through all this time, he's a face timing meeting the library. He talks about his classes and how hard they are. I'm in business school too. So we have similar classes. When I visit, he has all the finance books he's talking about his friends and his professors and all that. We're seemingly having similar college experiences. However, he eventually graduates with his master's degree a year after I've been already been in the workforce. And it comes time for graduation and we were all going to go to his college graduation. But he created this huge fight about how his family had a private plane. They that was a part of a part of their and he was talking about how there weren't enough seats for my parents to come and myself to come to the graduation, whatever. Made it a big deal. I said, I don't care. We'll drive. It'll be fine. And said that, you know what, this is not even worth. I'm just not even going to go to graduation. And for him, he's never been one that cared about his birthday, he cared about any kind of celebration for himself. So it made total. I mean, he didn't even want to go to our high school graduation. Yeah. That for me made sense. That was textbook David. He just didn't want to do those things. So we said, scrap it. We'll have a graduation party. My parents for him one at our house. We had a graduation party for him graduating with his masters and did not actually attend the graduation ceremony. And in a few weeks after that, he proposed. We've been together for so many years. We high school sweethearts and now college sweethearts and he proposed and it was ready to like get our lives started. Were you like about time? Did you know it was coming? What was the situation? I knew it was coming, especially since my my dad was very teary for a few days and that is terrible at keeping secrets. Oh, and then they had their digital camera out because back then that was the thing. And so it was like charging. I'm going, they never use this thing. Why are they charging their digital camera? Oh my god. That is so funny. How cute. Yeah. And then they were going to dinner that night. And I'm remembering so offended that they were going to go to dinner without me. And they said, well, you're going to dinner with David. I'm like, I don't want to go to dinner with David. I want to go to dinner with y'all. You know, I wanted us to all go together. But really, it's because they were hiding out in the bushes. Oh my god. Yeah. But where everybody was super happy. Like my parents, they are tough cookies. And they love to eat. Yeah. Yeah. My my dream, my dad was a warden of a prison. So for him to like the person that I'm now engaged to is a big deal. Yeah. He thinks he's a human lie detector. Truly. I love that. So after we get engaged, he moves into my apartment in Atlanta. We are planning this big southern wedding. 400 people. My mom is filming at the mouth. I'm have bridal showers and bachelor at parties. Go to Vegas for bachelor at part. You know, the whole nine yards. And he starts his job. We're both working and we're sharing a bank account, paying rent in my due to the apartment that we were in. I had already been there for a year. I'd already been there by myself paying. And I had just enough to pay for rent bills and have some phone with my girlfriends in the weekend. I was doing great. So him moving in and adding a brand new salary. Things could only go up from there. Yeah. We're rich as I'm concerned. His is all just like disposable income at this point. Yeah. So grandpa gets him this job with Chase doing like wealth management. This is what he did. And we have family connections like that. That's what you do. So he goes into it and decides that he needs all these custom suits to look the part. So we go hand all that. We get all these custom suits and he books sharp. He looks the part and it was pretty fun at the beginning because we went to work at the same time. We would get dressed together. We'd both leave and get home about the same time. And we were honestly engaged life was pretty easy. But now we needed to have like real conversations about money. about how much you get paid. When you get paid, he never knew when his pay schedule was. He didn't know if it was like the first to the 15th or every other Friday or anything like that. So for budgeting purposes, I could never get a good read. And I also couldn't get a good read on what he was actually making because when we did get money in our bank account, it would be solid amounts. Everybody knows, anybody who's had a job in an ice cream store knows that if you make $5 an hour, you don't get $5. You get $3.22, like that's what I was talking about. But we were getting like $4,000 on a random day. Wouldn't be a Friday, it wouldn't be the first in the 15th, it would just be a random day. And it would come into your bank account like you would see a direct deposit or he would deposit it. I would know, I would see it, well, I would see it be a chase deposit. Oh, okay. But he also had a chase bank account on his own. Okay. And sometimes it'd be $4,000, sometimes it'd be $8,000. Sometimes it would be, it was just these random amounts on random days. And it was always right after I asked about it. - Wow, my gosh. - Wow, my gosh. So I'd be like, so when you get paid again, he's like, well, I'm on commission, I'm worth management. So like, sometimes we make commissions, sometimes we don't. And I chalked it up to not knowing about commission in thinking that I just don't understand how this works. - And you said the payments are coming from a chase account, like a transfer from another chase account? That's what it looks like, just this chase, I mean, I put together whether it was his company or his bank account, like I didn't. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand, okay. - 'Cause we still maintain our own separate accounts that we already had, but then put money in our shared account. - Did you have any weird feelings about that? Was it just like, oh, that's interesting? Or was that a red flag for you? - It was a red flag, but-- - Okay. - Sometimes with your intuition, you don't know, don't know what questions to ask. - Yes. - So that's what I mean. - What am I missing? Like I said that over and over again. I'm like, I know I'm missing something. You know what I'm missing, but I don't. - It's screaming at you, but you don't know what it's screaming. You can't-- - It's like a head of you. - Yeah. - Totally, like red flags. And I'm super close to my parents, so I told them all these things. And they couldn't figure out either. We couldn't pinpoint what the issue was. But we are still on track to get married. Like it wasn't so big that I was willing to break it once again. The silly boy is starting to wear off because now we're adults and-- - Yeah, and now this is affecting me. - Yeah, but it feels small. It's big, but it feels small in comparison to everything else you've invested in this person. - Right, so I'm just putting little markers and all these things and just putting them in my pocket until I can really figure out what my questions are. This really came into play when I came home for work. I would come home for work occasionally during lunch to do laundry, whatever. I worked very close to the apartment. And the night before we had gone, we stayed out late, it was a Sunday, and we had stayed out late. He could not park his truck near our apartment. Usually we could park right in front of our door. This time, because it was Sunday night, everybody was home. We had to park way far down. So money morning and same thing happens as normal. We get up, we leave at the same time, walk out the door. He's in a suit, I'm dressed, and I come home for lunch. I didn't tell him I was coming home for lunch because what did he need to know about me coming home to do laundry? But when I get home, his truck is in the exact same spot. All the parking spaces are empty by our apartment. But his truck is in the same spot from the night before. So I went up to it, I touched it, it was cold, so it had not been used. I'd only been gone for like three or four hours at this point. What a good, I would not think to do that. Yeah, it's just, he's smart. I just wanted to see, like if you say you just got home, is your truck still warm? So I walk in and he is sitting on the couch in his boxers playing Xbox. And I am shook, I'm going, what, what are you doing? Why aren't, why aren't you at work? He was, oh, we had an early release day. An early release day on a month. I mean, that's for me, no, it's not elementary school. I trust me. And I just, it was one of those things. I was like, you think I'm that dumb to try again. But yeah, I mean, he really just was going for it. But he was still acting like he had gone to work that day and then come back, but he never stepped with that truck. So he didn't, like when you walked in, he was like, oh, my God. He was like, oh, we had an early release day. No, like, why are you freaking out? He had one of those silly little headsets with a microphone on it. And was talking to somebody on Xbox while playing it. And yeah, he was now, that's an egg forever. If the man was Xbox was a headset. Oh, right, for sure. He's your right, and I'm completely. So now I'm, the centers are fully up. So then fast forward to now our money is starting to be more and more sparse. So he's picking up things on, on his own, from his own bank account. But our actual bank account is dribbling down. Because one thing I didn't mention about David, he was obsessed with working out supplements, all those things. So he was spending like $800 a month on supplements alone from our bank account. Why? And that was not a part of my budget beforehand. Let me tell you, that's more than I had spent on groceries in three months. So our bank account turned dwindling and the deposits became less and less. And now we're at my birthday. We've bought tickets to go to a baseball game. I check our bank account and we have overdrafted. And I've never overdrafted before. So we get into a fight to ask him where money is. He says he had a slow commission month, whatever. And I have to call my dad so that I can get a beer at my own birthday basically. Oh, man, that sucks. Yeah, and I've never, I never did that before and I never had to do it after. So it was just a weird. And it wasn't because of you because you couldn't, you didn't have the information to budget. Yeah, I mean, I always knew my budget and what I was spending. But he would just freely use the card, but then money wouldn't come in. So it was just so weird. It was so uncomfortable. But I sat that conversation the side so that we could have a great time. You know, it's not very good. It wouldn't like things about it. But that's when I was like, okay, I have more questions and we, we're going to have to sit down and talk about this. So I realized after a while, he's not freely talking about his co-workers, his boss, anything like that. I'm a yapper, so I understand I tell too much. However, I think it's weird that I don't even have one solid single person that he works with. So weird. So I say that and all of a sudden it's a fountain. A key is telling me about this person and that person and this boss and all these situations talking about how he doesn't like this co-worker and it's just like this wealth of information now that we did not have originally. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I would like to challenge you to rethink the rules of mental health. We know there's a stigma behind mental health, but to be honest, there shouldn't be. I love using BetterHelp for my therapy, for my mental health. There's plenty of reasons why we put off getting support. 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Visit BetterHelp.com/tDD to explore your payment options. That's BetterHELP.com/TDD. So I pick up a second job because he's not doing well at work at all. To missions not coming in and the money's got to come from somewhere. So pick up a second job, Nanny. And I'm leaving work to go nanny at night and then nanny on the weekends and coming home and he's on the weekends. He's playing Xbox while I'm out nanny. It was planning a wedding. And we're planning a wedding. Luckily my parents are paying for that. However, the money's got to come from somewhere. I'm exhausted at this point. I'm working two jobs, like 60 hour weeks trying to get this handled. And I get home one day and I just break down. I ask him, I'm like, what am I missing? You haven't been paid in a long time. I'm working all the time. When I see you, all I see you do is play Xbox. But you have this high-powered job. What am I missing? Just tell me, make me feel less crazy in this moment because all these things aren't adding up. We're about to get married. And money comes, money goes, like I just helped me understand what I'm missing and he breaks down crying. I've known this man for eight years. I've never seen him cry once and he is falling. So I ask him again, what am I missing? And he says, well, I, I actually no longer work for Chase. And I'm like, what that's, duh, like that, that made sense perfectly when he said that. But it was at this moment that he told me he no longer had the job at Chase. But it's because they did a background check and they found out he didn't have a master's degree. I said, well, why, do you not have a master's degree? Like, did you not finish that last year? He's like, well, I couldn't get a master's degree because I don't have a bachelor's degree. Oh, my God, so I'm like, well, what do you mean you don't have, you don't have a bachelor's degree? You've just been in school for five years. He said, well, I had a really tough time freshman year. I got put on academic probation and it did it for five academic probation. So from sophomore year to a year after senior year, he just cost played as a college student. What? And all of these things started flooding back. The fact that I'd go visit and we couldn't sit in the student section at a football game. I realized I had met a few friends at his, but not that many friends, because you can't make friends if you're not going to class or anything like that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So I thought about all the years, all the lies of that's why you don't know when you're going back to school because you are not enrolled in school currently. Oh, my God. So what is he doing all of that? Yeah. What is he doing? It's a great question. I got no clue at zero clue. And a lot of people will ask me like, do I think he was cheating or doing things like that? I don't think, I honestly don't think he was cheating with a person who was playing Xbox. I think he was playing Xbox. And maybe that's what his cousin and her friends were kind of thinking. They were like, she doesn't realize that he's a bomb. You can't tell me that they lived with him because he lived with him the entire time. You can't tell me that they weren't also going, he never goes to class. Oh, my God. He only goes to the library with somebody else because she can't get into the library. Right. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. So all this comes out. He admits that he did not finish college. Yep. And those dollars that we were getting, we're actually not from a job. I don't know if he ever actually had a job at Chase ever. Wait, what? What? Where was the money coming? Oh, my God. Well, Granddad had set up trust funds and money for everybody. Right. He was pulling from, oh, my God. And that's why they were just solid amounts. They just, yeah, you know, randomly and he's just pulling money because after he turned 21, he had access to that fund. Makes sense. So Rand Paul figured out that he was pulling money and cut him off a few months before and said, if you don't tell her, I will. Because Greenhead figured it all out. Oh, my God. I'm freaked out. I leave the apartment. I call my dad and my dad and mom are just going. We knew it. Like all of a sudden, all those crazy moments that you had in your head going, hey, am I being crazy about this? Am I overthinking this? They all come rushing back to you all at once and you go, you feel so justified, which is a relief. Yeah. At the end of the same time, you're like, who is living in my apartment right now? Who is that person? So my dad says, what are you going to do? Like, you can't stay there. You got to get out and he says, your mom's in Miami right now for work. I'm overseas. I'll come to Miami. Meet me there. So I get on a plane and until I went to the airport with just a backpack and my engagement ring and send the backpack and a big sorority t-shirt and Nike shorts. I mean, I just, I packed nothing else because I was so stunned and I just took the first flight to Miami just to get out. So he moves out, we can't do the wedding. My parents lost every deposit. It was just, we're a month and a half from getting married. So every deposit is paid. There's no way to get any of them any back. My parents don't care. My parents are very gracious about it. That's nice that there was so supportive and understanding. I mean, they were duped too, totally. They were heartbroken and they had many times where they reached out to them because my dad wanted an expiration. My ex did not grow up with the dad, so my dad felt very much like his father and he wanted an explanation. You didn't just lie to my daughter. You lied to me. Yeah. We went on vacation together, but he never heard from her again. Never spoke to him. So was he lying to only you about college and about everyone? Everyone? Everyone. Wait. Okay. So what happened to, like, do you know how other people reacted in his life when they found out? They were shocked and the people that found out were people that I told, that was our mutual friends. His, the first person that figured out was Grandpa. Yeah. And I don't have no idea how it got dispersed to the rest of the family. I never spoke to any of them ever again. But everybody, they found out whenever we split because I wasn't going to lie about why we weren't getting married after eight years. Yeah. We're going to lie about it. I had a few, like, one-liners, I would use just to say you need to ask him about his college degree that he doesn't have. Oh, yeah. And then see, I'm like, if you really want to go talk to him about it. I think that's a very diplomatic way to say it. So I am trying to get my life together in Grandpa reaches out, which he and I were never friendly. He always thought I was less than, and that I was not someone that was worthy of being with his grandson, which is hilarious, knowing what we know now. One of us has a college degree and one of us doesn't. So he reaches out and he says, how much do I need to make this go away so that you don't, I don't know, go on a dating podcast and talk about it, which I didn't sign anything. I said, I don't want anything. I just want my locks changed. His name off the lease. Back to where I was before he moved in and figure out what the next steps of my life looked like. He ends up mailing me a check for $1,000, which fine, I'll, okay, that's not that much. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, thanks. I'm just sure. And go about trying to figure things out. All this to say, I wish I could say I cut him off and never spoke to him again, but I didn't. I was still trying to rationalize what happened and what happened, yeah, the person that I knew and the person that actually was. So the communication started, but we're talking obviously the weddings cancel and things like that. But I got a brand new job, right, it started this, which I was so thankful about because no one there knew I was engaged. So he starts showing up at the new job, bringing gifts. What? Oh, no. The love bombing. The love bombing. The love bombing for my car key so he can go get it detailed. He's doing all of these things in my co-worker's like, that boy is so nice, he's so cute. Give him a chance. You know, they have no idea the history because I don't want people to know my business like that at work. I'm very big about the separation of church and state if you will with my job. So I'm thinking, okay, maybe we can get back to a place of friendship. He gets a job in construction, allegedly, I don't care. He's not on my, we're not on each other's payroll anymore, but he finds this kitten. And I am like an animal lover and he knows that I have cat. Oh, no. Everything. Yep. So he sends me a photo of this tiny little kitten on a construction site and says, I just found this kitten. I'm actually taking her to the vet and I'm going to pay to get her bottle fed and all that because obviously he can't do that. And then he asks me, do you want to be her mom? Knowing that he and I would raise this cat together. I know, I know, I'm like, no, that's not a conversation for us to have right now. We're not in that place, but keep me posted on progress. So like every week or so, he would say, oh, she's doing great. She's getting a pound. She's done this. The vet said this. And I'm thinking this man is not making much money and he's spinning his harder money at the vet for this little kitten. It got me. I'll tell you. It really did. But I started noticing that the photos that I was getting were the kitten wasn't getting any bigger in all the photos. Oh, no, he lost. He had taken multiple photos within that one time frame, different angles, different and was using this to keep up this lie about this. Oh, I guarantee that birds call that cat again after that day. Oh, my god, he did a photo shoot. He did a total photo shoot. And this is when you could start adding the photos to your photo album and Apple and you could see the date and they were all the same date. Idiot. Meta dad. Meta dad. Yeah. And gone is an idiot because I said, okay, you were still lying about things that you that don't even matter. at this point. - It gave me the total ik. I just, no longer thought he was attractive. I didn't want anything to do with him. Sure, should I have gotten ik with the previous story? Yes, but, you know, we align. - Where we want to be sympathetic people who give second chances and we have hope and that's a beautiful party. - Yeah, yeah, so that made me realize like, we can't. Like, it was really the best job. The whole calling up the wedding should have been but the kitten, that was the kitten, that was the final straw. So, two more things. Two big things still happen. (sighs) So, my best friend Mia and I were engaged at the same time getting married. I was getting married first, that didn't happen, but and we were made of honors in each other's wedding. And hers came up a year later. So, I'm at her wedding and this mutual friend of ours, who I was at weird feelings about because this is another girl that I thought David could have liked, just kind of from Bimes, but we know. Yeah, just weird. So, I'm at Mia's wedding and Claire, this girl comes up to me and she is falling. And I'm going, the margaritas were good, but like, were they that good? I mean, why are we crying? And she has this sob story about how her and David dated after he and I split and that he lied to her. And was saying how he actually cheated on her with another girl that was also on my list of girls that I was nervous about. And they ended up moving in together and buying a house together and all that with this third girl. - And this is all in a year. - Yeah, yeah. I mean, while he's still talking to me, this whole kitten situation is going on while he's dating Claire. But I didn't know he was dating Claire. So, it was just like, I don't want any, I just want to never speak this man's name again. He doesn't have social media. So he couldn't even like social media stock. And now that makes sense that why would he ever have social media because he didn't want any kind of tracking at all. So, I think I'm done with him. I feel really good about it. And so, a few years after that, when I started getting things in the mail from creditors and I thought it was a junk. I thought, surely, because it had both of our names on it, I'm like, oh, this is some like all junk, whatever. And then I go to buy a couch. I just want a piece of furniture. It's my first thing I'm going to put on credit ever. I'm a big girl, I'm going to make a monthly payment. And the lady at the furniture place pulls my credit and tells me I have a terrible credit. - What? - And I'm going, how do I have terrible credit? I haven't bought anything before. - Oh my God. - And she says, oh my God. - Go pull your credit report. And she's like, you need to look at this. So I pull it and there are multiple credit cards that are in defaults. - Oh my God. - Just maxed out defaults in the whole nine yards and in collections. So those letters I was getting in the mail, I'm going to say, should I have opened them? Yes, but I didn't. They were collections accounts. - Because-- - Oh my God. - He had been opening cards in both of our names. And when Granddaddy's trust fund money ran out, he was using the credit cards to pay for things, including-- - Oh my God. - Those custom suits, dinners, all those things. And I assume that he maxed those out. And then that's when we started over-adracting because the money from the trust fund was, I mean, we're maxed out. And from the records that I found, he was paying the minimums on those credit cards for the year that we were still kind of talking after the engagement ended. But then whenever it wasn't ever a thing anymore, he just stopped paying them and he said, forget it. So I call him, so first I'm talking about very long time and say, what is all this? I don't know what to do with this. And first he denies it, tells me that those aren't his. I said, well, I didn't open them. And at first, I thought maybe I had some kind of identity theft or they were wrong, like they had the wrong person. I didn't immediately go to, oh, he's the one doing this. But he originally denies it. And then I tell him like, I have the accounts. And these are cards. They were open when we lived together. It all adds up to you. And then he says, well, you should pay for them 'cause they were money I spent on you. - It's not how that works if you buy a beer present and then you go and you're dead. I don't owe the money, but okay. - Sure. - So at this point, I'm going, he's not gonna do anything about it, he doesn't care. And I'm trying to eventually, I want to buy a coral moon. I want to do all these things. When I pulled the final amount, it was $20,000. - Holy shit. - Yeah. - Oh my God, what did you do? - Luckily, I don't have a grandpa like he does. However, I do have a father who is very gracious, who said, look, I'm not gonna pay for all of this, but I will pay for it now so that you can start rebuilding your credit, but you're gonna have to pay me back over several years' time. So then I started paying my dad like 500 bucks at a time to get it, to pay it back. But he's like, I want you to be able to close these, get these off your credit report. So that maybe in seven to 10 years, when you're buying a house, you'll be, yeah. 'Cause he's like, there's nothing we can do 'cause you can't sue him if there's no money. We did talk to an attorney, but they're like, if grandpa has worked the money, but he's not, you can't sue him for things, especially when he has your name on it. - You can't get blood from a rock, yeah. - Yeah, you can't. And you would have to do a civil suit for fraud, but that doesn't have any money attached, it's just, - Yeah, it's like, is it worth it to prove that you didn't consent to these? Like, what does that get you? - Right, and it's just a whole lot of more nonsense having to talk to him versus just being dealt with it. - Oh, can grandpa just pay? - Oh my gosh, I look back at my dad. I should add for more. What's going on with him now? Do you know? - So I, it's funny 'cause I was recently talking to Mia about this, about how, like, isn't that so wild that this happened so long ago, it's just, oh, it's especially wild because he's married. I'm like, that doesn't shock me. He is a type of person that wants to like, allegedly be with one person, but she's married and he has two daughters. And, I mean, not my business. I don't know her, I, I would never reach out 'cause who knows what story he told her about his first engagement ending? How do you, I can't imagine any spin you could put on it while still talking about the story that would make me the bad guy. So there's no way she knows that he lied for five years about going to school. - Totally. - Wow. It was for years and years. I'm still getting creditors coming out of the woodworks. - Oh my God. - It made me look at money in relationship so differently. It actually led me to my first marriage that I actually got married. We had separate bank accounts and there was a lot of financial abuse and that relationship on that floor. - I'm so sorry. - Which led to divorce, but I literally just didn't, I just didn't know how to trust. It became kind of mean to men and didn't trust in me body. And that sat with me for a long time. A lot of therapy, a lot of trust but verify has been a big part of my story ever so. - Yeah, we put that on merch and sold it. - Oh really? - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. - Trust but verify. - I mean, I think that's really big of you to admit that you're like, it hardened me. - It also affected my future husband and I because at first I didn't, I wouldn't let him in. I wouldn't trust him. And he actually broke it off with me because he said, I'm putting everything on the table here and you're too busy, trust but verifying everything and thinking everything I'm saying is a lie. I actually, you need to go do some more work and he was right. - Yeah, but still it sounds 'cause you're like, but that's what makes me feel safe now is trusting but verifying. - Can I ask you about finances? You mentioned it already, but now that you are engaged happily, what have you learned about healthy ways to combine finances with your partner, especially after what you've been through? - Well, when I was online dating for a little bit and I used to joke that like I need to see your credit score first. - Yeah. - But that's kind of not a joke. My future husband and I, we're building a house right now. So we already had to put it out in the table any baggage that we have, which there's not any, but he knows my past and knows about like radical transparency. So now, I mean all you need to do is pull somebody's credit report. It'll show you all the bad. It may not show you all the good. It's time to show you all the investments and everything but he's been like, here it is, log into this. Here's my phone password. Here is this that he's been all about radical. - So it's not just verbal, it's look at the account. Look at the numbers. Let's sit down and see it all together. Yep, yep, it's so important, it's so important to know and here's the difference is I never asked for any of that. He just knew the past and he, he said, I'm gonna do this 'cause I want you to know. - 'Cause I want you to feel safe. - Huge. I'm so happy that you found a partner, not a person you had the baby sit. - Honestly. - Truly, it's, yeah, it's a big blessing. But I think that all the things that I've gone through have made me a better person, which that is not credit to him, you cannot take those flowers. However, how I've handled it and moved on has made me a better person, a better communicator, a gym partner, and better at setting boundaries of what I will put up with and what is good. - You're awesome, you're my hero. - 100%. - Podcasts like this, social media like sharing and talking about my side of things has been very cathartic. I mean, this happened, I mean, started 20 years ago, but I'm still working through it today. So thanks so much for giving me the opportunity to actually speak my truth because that is how you heal. And the more you talk about it, the less it stains. - Yeah, and the more it helps others. And it goes to show how things like that can affect people forever. Like this isn't just truly. - Oopsy, doodle, I stole her money, she's fine. And like, no, this is still, this is gonna affect you forever and ever and ever. - Yeah. - So any girls that feel girls, women, any women that have their little spider senses intuition, intuition. - Yes, like just trust that. Just know, ask questions, keep asking questions until you get the answer because I wish I'd ask more questions and not try to play it as cool. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Well, this guy said douchebag. Like, he has ruined her life forever basically. Credit is not something that's easily repairable. - And when I was the age that she was when she got married, I didn't know anything, I think, period, but also about credit specifically. - Well, as long as you know what X plus Y equals Z, then you're fine, but heaven forbid they teach us anything with any of the different kinds of triangles, but I didn't know how to have a credit card. - Or how to live an adult life. Like, I just feel like, what are things we can do? Yeah, how do we help ourselves and our kids? - I think not waiting until you're a victim of like identity theft is a smart thing to do to, you know, monitor your credit. You can just, there's different credit monitoring. - Like social security monitoring. - Yeah, you can monitor your social security because she defaulted on a lot of these loans because she didn't know they existed. And so if she had been monitoring them, perhaps she could have gotten on top of it more quickly and it wouldn't have affected her as greatly. So it's just something that's out there, not to say she did anything wrong. You should have to do that. - No, I'm not blaming her on blaming the fact that, the education around it is just so minimize. - And we don't, I don't want any of our audience to think, well, if she was looking better, she would have seen it. No, no, no, no, no. But there are things that we can do, it just sucks that we have to. - Yeah, well, I think yes, that things up for your kids, if you have kids that are around that age and help protect women. - I say that, but then again, I'm like, my family definitely talked to me about like student loans and credit stuff. And I just remember being kind of in one ear out the other because to me it was theoretical at the time. And I didn't really have a concept of it. So it is hard and I just, I think if you're that young, obviously it can work sometimes. She kind of mentioned this after we stopped recording, but she said that her sorority culture was also very big about getting married. She was a bride's made 14 times. - Yes. - So she totally got understandably caught up in that and wants that fairytale and we a lot of us want that and that's okay, but you have to realize that marriage is not a fairytale, it's a contract. - Yeah, we use business decision and an important one. So you have to ask those questions. And finances are not romantic, but it's just something you got to do. It's something you got to talk about. - But honestly, if like she talked about who she's with now being transparent, that is romantic to me. That would turn me on. We would have a good night. If somebody caught me down and said here, let me show you all my fan and it says, I'd be like, yeah, let's look through them and then go out to dinner. Without even huffing and huffing, I love you. - Yeah. - Like with just so like willingly, that's so nice. - Okay, so finances can be romantic, hot take. - Another thing is that this guy was lying to everyone and she, I think she trusted him mostly because they were high school sweethearts and you know, she, she feel like she knows this guy, but you just was a prison warden. - Like you never, you never realize how even someone that you think you know so well, even they could be lying to you. And that's, that's sad. - It is. We talk about dog fishas like dating at a vulnerability all the time and it isn't always that and that is important to remember. You gotta have your guard up, but she really took us through at the end. I'm so glad the work that she did to open herself up to the right person because we can't lose hope. Love is real. - And I'm still the move. And also don't freaking trust anybody. (laughs) - Trust me, I'm terrified. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, it's real. - I mean, she even mentioned that. She said, she said all the, that her guy was like, hey, all this checking and not trusting and trusting but verifying, this is, this is out of control. And it's like, sorry, but I mean. - You get what I've been through. So. - Well, this relationship is just such a good example. The first one of trusting or having femtuogen, but her femtuogen was strong from the beginning. But it's hard to trust your femtuogen when you don't know how to identify what's causing the femtuogen. And that's why I say your femtuogen never needs evidence. But it's like, also, we're like, but I really want the evidence. I really want to know. But if you feel your femtuogen and maybe you don't know what's causing that screaming inside your gut, but just hold on to it because it will reveal itself. I think it's very common for a dogfish to lie unnecessarily about little things. And it's a bit of a red flag when somebody does that. And a lot of his lies, obviously, he had his reasons. But then some of them, it's like, if you catch somebody in a lie that doesn't really make a ton of sense, lie, like why? I don't think it's not up there. I just don't. And I, that is also where my sympathy doesn't extend much because, yes, I feel bad that he maybe was raised in such a way where his grandfather made him feel, I don't know, I'm imagining the show's succession, which is just a very rich, older grandpa or dad that just like messes up his kids. The behavior is still there and the lying is still there and the cheating is still there. I like, I don't really care where it came from. You can't do that. Honestly, you got to take accountability for where it came from. This guy messed her up and he messed up her credit and then you can't, like, you can't get blood from a rock so she can't sue him and it's just, it's terrible that now she's just stuck with it. But it's always something that we learn from and, or at least, hopefully, so. Also the kitten, the kitten. Don't use a baby, just a baby. And he said, look at the baby kitty. And she's like, oh, I love his baby kitty. And he was, but she didn't fall for it and good on her. And good on her for looking at the time and big stamps on the photos. Like, what a dumb. I mean, all the live photos, how many people have been caught cheating because they send a live photo and then click on it and the girls like moving her. Yeah, out of the frame. So funny. You, if you have on, have a hunch. It's not a bad idea to check. And I'm just thinking about how pathetic it is for him to be walking around different places with a kitten taking photos. Girl, like, come on, girl. This guy gross. Also, what happened to the kitten? I don't, I know. Is the baby okay? That's all I want to know. I hope so. Also, if people work on commission, I mean, we know he was bullshitting, but like him saying, oh, it's inconsistent. Like, we don't get paid all the time. Like, I get at it. But also, like, don't you have like a base salary? Like, most people that, I don't know, I want people that work on commission to debunk him with specifics. Even when you work on commission, you still have a date or something. Like, there's got to be something consistent. Unless you're a freelancer. And then in that case, that's, that's a good point too. There's not so much commission is just, like, yeah. He just says a little, a liar, a liar pants. And like, did he, if he graduated like, and they wouldn't, she'd be like, hey, let's hang your diploma up on the wall. I mean, he didn't get that far. Luckily, they didn't get that far to get married and have to hang a diploma. Thank God it ended before then. Yeah, we love her. She's cool as hell. But I just love, just remember what she said at the end. She's like, it's been 20 years, but it's still affecting me. And that's just the whole point with all of this dog fishing crap. Like, come on, y'all, this is affecting people for a long time. So stopping an asshole, honestly. Yeah. it's a topic. So I don't understand it, but hey, God speed to him. I'm glad she's in a better place. And I hope everybody listens and trusts their famed tuition from this. Yeah, and thank you for your I know everybody's going to have positive comments. So you guys are so sweet to one another and it just it really melts my good Southern heart. So thank you. Yeah, two Southern girls with me today. I loved it. I know. I love it so much. But thank you guys for listening. And as always, trust your famed tuition. you