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Speaker 2Scrap Your Kids podcast, the bucket emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode may seem a little early, a Christmas survival kit for parents, and yet I almost feel like it's probably not early enough. As the pressure mounts, we've had Black Friday, we've already got the advent of it being the 1st of December and therefore elf on a shelf, advent calendars, Christmas decorations, you name it. So, I thought I would give you my top five strategies, considerations that might help with the festive period and basically sort of helping to sort of manage that a little bit more. So, I hope that. This is super, super useful and that you're able to refer back to it on a regular basis. So, it's aptly named the silly season for a reason. As we know, all routine, rationale, logic, the way that we go about things literally goes out of the window as we find ourselves either traveling huge distances or multiple commitments to see lots of family and or friends. But we also have that sort of inbuilt. Need, I was going to say need, but it isn't really need, but this inbuilt mechanism where we kind of smile nicely through gritted teeth sometimes as we kind of keep that jolly sense going throughout that particular season. Now, not to mention, there is also the whopping 26 billion that we spend on food, drinks, gifts, and decorations. So, it's no wonder that as parents, we feel an enormous amount of pressure to make this festive period a reality. So, I hope that you've enjoyed this video. I hope that you've enjoyed this video. Super special, whether that's for our children, whether that's for the people that are coming to spend that festive period with us, whether it's about that sense of community, we want to make that day special. And I think there is a huge amount of pressure on this particular period of time. We are together as a family in a way that we're generally not together at any other time of the year. So, it's no surprise to hear the Samaritans report a 28% increase. is a 21% increase. And divorce lawyers experience their busiest day on the 8th of January. So, how can we manage this crazy time without being sucked into the madness and by taking it one day at a time? So, I'm going to give you these five simple principles and strategies that will hopefully help you to stay grounded. And also, I guess one of the big things about the sort of the festive period is this sort of sense of obligation as well. As well as the sense of we're being watched and what should we be doing and that comparison and how do we ensure that our children have this amazing time? And I think I would say as an overarching piece before we go into those, the five sort of principles is our children are going to remember the experiences that they have within that festive period. And the values and the traditions that you instill within that period of time. They speak volumes and that is. It's what our children will take with them into their adult life. So, yes, I know there's a gift aspect to the festive period and some of you will be listening and it may well be that the festive period is a whole different mechanism for you. Maybe the festive period is not even a festive period. But I guess what I want to really hone in is that this period of time that we have this extended period where we are all together, I would encourage you to root it in. What are the values? What are the values and the traditions within our family that we want to ensure that we communicate to our children through the actions that we take? Because it's not the words that we speak, it's the actions that we take that create this sense of this is what our family values. So, I'm going to give you five things. The first one is about planning ahead. So, it's not necessarily about a super detailed to-do list. But for me, the planning ahead is not about lists of. presents, lists of food, but much more being aware of the commitments that you have and what that might do to your children's routines and the considerations that you might need to make, depending on the ages and stages that your children are at. So, if your children are anything like my children, and actually I would also add myself, we get very hangry. So, if we're doing lots of traveling, for example, one of the things that I would. be really intentional about is being mindful of, A, can I in any way influence or be the determiner of arrival times and departure times so that I can make sure that they work around the hangry periods? And if I can't, because we're going to be traveling a great distance and it's going to span across maybe one meal, what might I need to consider in terms of what do I take with me? What do we pack in order to. offset that hangry time? If it's around nap times or periods of time where they might have to get up super early, how can I then consider the impact of that? And plan, not in a minutiae detail plan, but be aware of the impact of that. And, this is the second part of it, is being able to communicate to those we might be spending time with the effect that that might have and what we can and what we cannot do. I think quite often, because these, you know, periods of time, maybe we're going to visit people, is we don't do that on a regular basis and it's, we sort of feel a sense of sort of having to suck it up. And of course I get that. And it's when it's not like we want to dictate, you know, my child needs a nap at this particular time and we are not going to do that because this is what needs to happen. Yet I do feel that if we want to get the most out of it and we're not having to feel incredibly stressed and constantly feeling that our children. may well get overwhelmed in a, in an instant, I think sometimes it is really helpful to communicate, you know, little Jack is only two and his attention span is going to be somewhat limited if we're, if we're asking him to sit at a table and for a really extended period of time, it's not appropriate for him, that's, that's asking too much. So, you know, we're thinking that we might manage the situation that, that big extended family meal. In this way, in order to make sure that we can all have a really great time and, you know, we're able to manage the needs of what, what Jack needs in that moment, for example. So it's just that little bit of that consideration. So what we don't do is we land somewhere or people come to visit us and we feel obligated to behave in a particular way or to say yes to certain things that we're having an inner stress and an inner turmoil. And certainly in my experience. And certainly in my experience is that when we communicate that, it's often not an issue, it becomes more of an issue because it's in our head and we feel that we're having to manage a situation that more often than not, if we communicated it would be absolutely fine. Now, I'm very aware that for some, there isn't that ability, we go and visit certain relatives and there is maybe a draconian belief that all children should sit still and quiet for several hours at a table, but I think where we can. Is if we communicate that and where there is rigidity, where appropriate, I think we have to be firm and say that this is how we're going to do it because ultimately it's about everybody enjoying themselves. It's not just about feeling obligated to do things. So number one is very much this notion about planning ahead. And if you've got a battling around technology, then also factor that one in as well and communicate it. You know, this is what we're going to do. This is how we're going to manage. This is how we're going to manage it. And sometimes it may well be, do you know what? We're going to bend the rules a little bit. We're going to be more laissez-faire about it. There's going to be an expansion in the amount of time that our children can do things that we would ordinarily have an issue with. And we're going to explain to them that we're doing it in this particular situation, that it isn't a new flexing of the rules. But in these particular instances, we're shifting things a little bit. So that's the first one is planning ahead as much as possible. Number two is about being right. And number three is about being realistic. Christmas is all about, or the festive period or that time that we have together is all about a break with routine. So it's important that we're realistic in the expectations of our children. You know, it goes back to this notion that we should not be expecting an eight-year-old, for example, in my view, to sit through an entire four-course meal. So we want to save that inevitable stresses enforcing the sitting nicely and agree in advance. when they are allowed to get down and communicate that with your guests if they're coming to you but also your hosts when you're going to other people and it's also I guess important to remember as well that we want to praise them for the courses that they were able to sit through you know those sorts of things are important to do as much as the understanding that they're not going to be able to do that so having that and equally this is an age and stage thing and I would say actually it's probably even for adults you know that that notion of small talk some adults some of us are really great at small talk we can have conversations with anyone about anything and find something to say but children don't all find that easy you know if you've got a a child who's just that little bit slow to warm up in the company of people that they don't know festive periods or periods when we spend time with extended family people that they don't spend a huge amount of time with can be extremely demanding of them socially in terms of their social battery but also in terms of stresses so suddenly going from a situation where our children spend most of their time with a certain number of adults on a regular basis who they're familiar with to suddenly being in strange homes with people that they don't spend a huge amount of time with and then an increase in demand for them to smile for them to give people kisses and hugs for them to be expected to hold conversations or make eye contact with people that they don't know and so I think it's really important that we have that eye contact or say thank you or hello my name is or anything like that it's recognizing let's be realistic here and because I'm this episode is coming out early enough if you know that you have plans over that festive period where you have a child who either worries about these situations is slow to warm up in those social situations plan ahead have a conversation practice talk about what you are hopeful that they are going to do and what you're going to do and your expectations not in a demanding way but you know recognize that on one of the days we're going to be doing x y and z and I recognize that that could be really stressful for you because there are going to be people that you do not know or people you don't spend a huge amount of time with and they're going to be super excited to see you maybe they've not seen you for a couple of years and they're going to be asking you lots of questions and wanting to chat let's think about how we can make that an enjoyable experience and maybe practice a little bit of some of the hellos goodbyes small talk whatever it might be that you agree as is a realistic expectation of your child I think that can be really helpful because it just it just prepares them and it helps them feel that they have got some experience to be able to draw upon and some confidence and they also feel that you understand and what you might also do is have a bit of a conversation with your child about what you're going to do and what you a sign a word that they can use when they're feeling overwhelmed when they're feeling that they can no longer cope with things or when they need your support so you're able they feel that they've got something a way of being able to communicate clearly that actually I've this is too tricky now and I need you to help me and so it just helps them manage those situations and it makes it much less stressful and much more responsive and it's much less likely that your child is going to be able to communicate clearly and it's much less likely that your child is going to be able to communicate clearly and it's much less likely that your child is going to be able to and you're going to have a situation that you're going to need to deal with may make you feel embarrassed may make your child feel incredibly overwhelmed and instead you're managing that in advance I think that that can be really really helpful and when we're talking about setting expectations really trying and I know this is really hard when we're in social situations with other people is just being realistic and not getting sucked into well their eight-year-old is able to do x y z why can't ours stay in your own family lane stay in the lane of what you value stay in the lane of what is the age and stage that your child is at you know let's not get sucked into this huge comparison piece that I think the festive period or just spending time with extended family can create because there is inevitably going to be at that comparison but I think it's going to be a huge comparison piece that I think the festive period or just spending time with extended family can create because there is inevitably going but being really grounded in a I've got great kids and I know what they're capable of I know what they need and I am not going to suddenly feel that I am less than as a parent or that they are falling short in any way as a child because they're not doing what so-and-so is doing or they're not doing what I see my friends kids doing anything like that you know it's almost like we can flip character in those situations because we can be really clear about where our child is at but then we find ourselves in these social situations suddenly getting sucked into the our own internal critic you know I'm I'm not doing enough and my children are not doing as much as other children and I'm failing in some way as a parent why do I not get this right instead of that focus on that celebration of what your children are doing and being realistic about those sorts of things so and I think the final piece in terms of that being realistic piece is also being realistic about what you as a family and all of the constituents within that family you your partner your children can manage in one day don't bite off more than you can chew don't make plans that will well where you can obviously this isn't always easy it's called the silly season remember but actually looking at the schedule that we've got looking at the things that we've said yes to how might that impact our family dynamics in terms of the peak you know the people within our family and how they recharge is it sensible to be doing x y and z three days in a row is there going to be a bit of a clash is that really worthwhile is it actually those two things will be really great but the third thing whilst it would be lovely I think will tip into overwhelm and we wouldn't enjoy it and it wouldn't be a wonderful experience so really thinking about that so plan ahead be realistic and now we're going to move on to the next piece which is the family dynamics we're going to take a quick pause for a word from our sponsors need a new couch a bigger tv a
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Speaker 2details number three have a backup plan this is super helpful always always have a backup plan and an exit strategy should things not go to plan you know sometimes it's better to admit it's not going to be your day than to battle on regardless just because it's christmas and great auntie mabel has flown over from the other side of the world to see you and your children or anything like that so whether it's christmas whether it's a festive gathering whether it's just a specific plan that you've made to go and do something you know and i think sometimes maybe when we think we've got a plan b is it is it like we're admitting defeat already i just think it's always helpful you know we will plan to be at this location for this period of time it may be what's our plan b if we can't make that location or what's our plan b if actually we make that location but we get to a certain point in the day that means that actually we're not going to be able to see it right through to the end in the way that we thought and so what have we got something have we got a clear way of communicating if we're co-parenting that actually this is really not working anymore and we need to exit and that exit maybe we exit as an entire family the exit might be i'm taking x children out for some fresh air for a bit of a bounce on a trampoline or walk with the dog whatever that exit strategy looks like it's not going to be that easy but i think it's going to be a really good idea and i think it's going to be a really good idea and i think it's going to be a really good idea and i think it's going to be a good idea and i think it's going to be a really good idea and i think it's going to be a really good idea with our other half and potentially even a host you know if you've got if you're traveling great distances or you've got really young children or even teens have that conversation in advance you know they've been super super busy teens have been super super busy they've got exams when they go back to school after the festive period and so we really want to come and see you but we might find that we just need to leave early or last minute i'm really sorry we may not be able to make it it's hard to make that decision it's hard to make that decision it's hard to make that decision having those conversations and yes of course people will always be you know there'll be an element of disappointment and having wanted to see those things through but i think when we're able to communicate those things in advance as much as possible we tend to offset some of that disappointment so you know if things go horribly wrong there's no shame in putting our children in their pjs and you know putting them up to bed with a movie or putting them in their pjs and driving home so i think just having those backup plans is really helpful so we can drop this illusion of perfect parenting always and particularly in the festive period so we've got planning ahead we've got being realistic we've got a backup plan now number four is try not to take things too seriously easier said than done genuinely i do know that but more for a case of there's a lot of weight placed on these festive the festive period so it's reminding ourselves that it's not just about the time that we're It's a series of days. like any other, and that the pressure is often self-imposed if we allow it. And of course, some of that pressure doesn't come from us necessarily, but comes from others. But we get to choose how we respond to that pressure from others. We get to choose which aspects of that festive time we pick up and we don't pick up. So this whole, you know, it seems to be every single year there's yet something new that we're all suddenly supposed to be doing in order to make the festive period the best experience for our children. Now, of course, we're going to be bombarded with these various different new traditions, new aspects. Some of them are rooted in our culture. Some of them come from other cultures. Some of them are the next big trend. And of course, we're being bombarded with them. You know, of course, our children are, particularly if they're watching television and they're being bombarded with, I want this and I want that. And why are we not doing it? And why are we not doing this, that or the other? But we do get to choose what we respond to. We get to choose which traditions and which rituals we then take on board and make part of our family festive period. Every family gets to choose what they want to do. Yes, of course, there's the external pressure and we can have conversations with our children about that. You know, there are always going to be expectations. There are always going to be demands. There's always going to be things coming at us through social media, through our community, through the world within we live in, that social world that we live in, that human world. And yet, we get to choose which ones we take on board and which ones we discard or say that they're just not for us. There's no judgment on anyone else. It's just simply that that isn't something that we're going to then take on or we take on one year and we reflect. And we decide that we're not necessarily going to take that on next time. So it is about making sure that we have that time to reflect because I think otherwise we find ourselves on a bit of a roller coaster with this. And before we know it, we've been sucked into a whole host of things that we are not necessarily sit within the values that we want to have. And that's okay. Sometimes that happens and we reflect on it and we sort of say, my goodness me, that was a really stressful time. We took on far too much. We did too many things. We spent too much. You know, it's that classic children open up Christmas presents and they end up playing with the box more than they play with the toy. It's just really thinking about those things and then not taking some of the perceived additional things that we should be doing too seriously, whilst also ensuring that we are kind to ourselves. And I know that this, I really know that this is difficult, because we do get huge demands on ourselves. And for a lot of us that are working, we don't really get a huge amount of downtime as in time off work and other things, or we're juggling work and also being around for our children, whether that's the school holidays or those particular festive period. But where we can carve that and where we can factor in that time to just place it in some form of perspective and remind ourselves that we, might not feel we have a sense of control at times, but we have, and how can we exert some of that so that we don't get caught up in that rush to do things in a particular way. So that's number four. And number five would be, and it goes in lots of ways in terms of that planning ahead, but it's that have those difficult conversations in advance. And I would say that this is probably for me, the most important of all the five principles that we've talked about, but it's often the one that we forget or we actively avoid because we think, do you know what? We'll just suck it up. It'll be all right. And we wish afterwards that we had had that conversation. And I know that this is, it's, it is very much easier said than done, but this is all about being honest with yourself first and foremost about what that festive period, what that period of time is going to mean for you and what it's going to mean for your family. You know, are you spending the holiday with people you want to be with or people you feel duty bound to spend time with? You know, are you battling with one of your children over their excessive use of technology, their management of emotions, pushing boundaries, going to bed when you ask them? Are you trying to please everyone by traveling the depth and breadth of the country when all you really want to do is be at home because that's what you and your family really need. You're exhausted. You're not going to be able to go to bed. You're not going all of you could just do with that downtime. Now I would say, hence why the episode is coming out so early. I would say that this principle about having those difficult conversations in advance begins early. So when those invitations begin, and it may well be you've had those invitations, you finalize plans, and yet it's not too late. Maybe doing an active review and a bit of an active audit of, are we setting ourselves up for a bit of a challenge? And it may well be that you say, do you know what, Mary-Anne, we really have done. I hear you, but it will be too difficult to unravel, but I hear you for next time. Then that's fine. But you might still want to have difficult conversations around how you manage that given that you know it's going to put a lot of additional stress and strain, and you could all just do with some chill out time. So does that mean if you are traveling the depth and breadth of the country that you factor in at visits? Yes, we're coming to spend time. Within that time, we're going to spend with you. We're going to carve out this particular time where our children are just going to veg. They're just going to be in PJs. We're not going to do very much, for example, so that we are then able to genuinely honor what we need while also honoring the obligations that we have with others. So it is really taking a cold, hard look at the commitments that we plan to fulfill. Are there some conversations which need to be had about our treatment of our children? As in, are there high expectation hosts who expect a certain type of behavior or have a belief and an expectation that is beyond reasonable for where your children are at right now? And that isn't that you are selling your children short, that you're saying that it's acceptable not to behave in a particular way. It's just simply, this is where they're at, not only in terms of their age and stage of development, but what they need in this particular period of time. So I would just encourage you to have a think about this and have those difficult conversations, whether you've got a host that has really super high expectations, but also a host that might be overindulgent. So your children are allowed to do and get away with things that you would not want them to be able to do, or that would create issues at home. And so the conversation that you're then having, first of all, with your co-parent is, is it that this overindulgence is something that we are just going to let slide and that's what, that's okay. We're there for a few days and we're just going to let it because it's the festive period. They want to spoil the children, but we're going to make it communicate really clearly to our children that this is what we're doing because we're going to great auntie Mabel's or we're going to grandparents and that that's, you know, it's okay for grandparents to do that. That's what they like to do. They like to treat you and normal rules go out of the window for those two or three days. And yet the minute we're home, we're back to our consistent application of the boundaries that we have. So sometimes it's about having those difficult conversations and it may not be about saying no, but it may be those difficult conversations with our co-parent about, okay, we know that when we go here, the expectations are X, Y, or Z. How are we going to manage that? Are there going to be new rules? Do we need to have conversations with our hosts? Or is it more a case about having a conversation between the two of us? And so that's what we're going to do. And so that's how we're going to parent that in that situation, or is it a conversation that we're necessarily going to have with our children so we can set the scene in advance. So it's just thinking about whether there's need or whether it might be helpful to have a conversation in advance, whether that's with us or also with our hosts. And I, the festive period or that extended period of time that we spend with family is a real opportunity for connection. And I think that's but because there is such societal pressure on it being this magical time, it's about really taking that opportunity as often as we can to step back, look at those obligations that we have, look at the expectations that we ourselves have brought into that situation. And how can we plan ahead, be realistic, have a backup plan, not to take things too seriously and where necessary have those difficult conversations. So I hope that that has been helpful just in terms of just those considerations to help empty your bucket a little bit more across that festive period and also help empty your bucket in that process of planning. So as always, if you enjoy listening to the podcast, if you find the bucket emptying episodes super helpful, or you found this reminder, as we enter the festive period helpful, then why not share the episode with a friend or someone that you know might find this helpful too. And then maybe take a moment to rate and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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