The Christians Of Tik Tok

We are live from the Sam's Club Holiday Club Parade. Oh, wait, wait, are those guys? Woo, just snoozing. It's the Food Coma Club. They might lose count of their helpings of turkey, but never their spending. Oh, you hear that? It's the Cool Ants Club, in their natural habitat of giving the trendiest gifts. Ah, it's the Deal Hunters Club. No sudden movements. They smell value a mile away. Whatever holiday club you're in, Sam's Club helps you make the most of your holidays. Come join us. Sam's Club. I recently found out that my favorite YouTuber, Lazy, is actually Christian. So if you look up Lazy Religion on Google, it says that Lazy was raised in a Christian family. Oh. Lazy grew up in a Christian household, which shaped his early life and cultural background. While specific details about the denomination or current religious practices are not publicly disclosed, his upbringing, and Christian family, indicates that his early values and traditions were influenced by Christianity. Does Lazy know about this? Like, who is feeding Google this information? It's been a couple of months since I actually stopped paying for gas completely, and I love it. And it's- What? You're still paying for gas? What do you mean? I stopped paying for gas a while ago, when God started doing gas giveaways. God gave me a full tank of gas, even though I only had like a dollar left in my account. And- Wow. So I was like, "What the fuck?" I was like, "What the fuck?" I was like, "What the fuck?" Regular pumps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It literally says, "The giving pump." Uh-huh. I kept seeing God gonna give me a full tank of gas, even though I only had-- I had like a dollar left in my account. And-- Wow. I'm literally leaving out with a full tank of gas. Like, can't nobody tell me that God's not real. I have to get home. I have like an hour drive to get back home to Arlington, and God has just blessed me abundantly. Like, God is so good. God is so good. Yeah, so this is what I've also been doing. It's just been so much fun. I love it. The giveaways, that God has been doing on gas lately-- At the beginning, I was actually confused as well, because it does say, "The giving pump." And I'm like, "Are they actually giving out free gas?" 'Cause where is this location? Give me this location right now. I'll-- I'll drive to California, 'cause it's crazy far for me, by the way, just for that free gas. But it's in fact not free gas. And if you actually read the details, this whole giving gas says, "Give back to the kids, and it's easy for you to join us." So basically, if you're using this gas pump, some of them the money that you use to pay for the gas is also going to the people in need, which-- Okay, that's amazing. But it does not, in fact, mean that you're getting free gas, 'cause why would the owner give you free gas? And she did, in fact, get $35 worth of gas. So if you're using a card with no money to get $35 worth of gas, that's called an overdraft. Woohoo! Free gas! God is good, but, baby, it's called overdraft. You'll have a $35 fee on top of that $35 you spent on gas. Poor woman, I feel so bad. She thought she was getting-- Sweetie, who is out here giving free gas? Free gas? Someone said, "This happened to me once. I had about $15 left and put it in gas, but I kept going until it failed. Turns out it overdrafted my account." Like, what did she think happened? God had a shell account, and he had a bunch of rewards, and he was giving out people his shell account rewards? Nowadays, you see him turning water into wine? No one bats an eye. No one cares about that. But you see him turn water into gas? Now, that's a different story. That's when they start loving you and paying attention. Also, if you're a Christian or God believer watching this video, I am so sorry. I know that these people do not represent religion and God in general. I am so sorry. This is definitely not your day. A Christian TikToker had one of her videos blow up lately, and it got, like, 5 million views, and it's her getting rid of her bed because God told her to do it. When God tells you to get rid of the bed so you'll listen. ♪ You are faithful ♪ ♪ Faithful through all things ♪ So, that's called a thot. God told me you should give me $1,000. And everyone commenting on that video is just, like, crazy confused, and so as I when I first saw it. I'm like, "What could possibly be the reason that God told her to get rid of her bed?" My first thought was, like, "Wait. What if she's onto something? What if her bed was, like, growing this crazy mold, and she had to get rid of it 'cause it was nasty, and it was gonna fuck up her health, you know? 'Cause that I would totally get." So, she actually ends up making a response video to show people why God told her to get rid of the bed. And in this video, I watched the full thing. By the way, the reason why she ended up getting rid of her bed was not that it was growing mold or, like, it had any health concerns. It's because in college, she, like, actually had premarital sex. Whether you believe in God or not, the spiritual realm is still a very real place. And the bed that I had, I've had that bed probably since my second year of college, and now I am a year out of college. So, and I didn't finish college until five years, so that should just give you a preface of how long I had my bed. And I did not fully surrender my life to Christ until probably I was 21. So, from the age of 19 to 21, those two, two and a half, three years that I had that bed, I was not surrendering to Christ. So, I was having premarital sex. I was messing with crystals. I was doing just things that I had no business doing. I was making covenants on that bed. I was doing things I had no business doing on that specific mattress. Whether you believe in it or not, when you have premarital sex, you are participating in witchcraft. - So, I think she's actually getting married or some shit, and now was the time to get rid of the bed that she had a bunch of, like, nasty sex during college. And she also says that premarital sex, is witchcraft. Really? So, you had all that, like you had your fun time during college. You probably had insane sex, you know? Just assuming here. I'm just, I don't know. You had all that fun stuff, blah, blah, blah, blee, blee, blee. And then when you're about to get married, you're like, guys, that's actually witchcraft. I would never do it again. So, y'all don't do it. Also, get rid of your bed now. You could have gotten rid of this bed, like after the premarital sex in college, but no, I'm getting rid of it now. I thought it was witchcraft and like, it wasn't witchcraft back then, but it's witchcraft now. Interesting. And if you thought gas was insane, did you know that God is also out here giving people free hairspray refills? - Oh my God. - You are not misreading the title. God is literally filling this hairspray up as I use it. Okay, here's the deal. - I guess he has his priorities straight, when people are struggling with hairsprays, like they're out, he instantly refills them. But like, what about the wars and like people starving, a bunch of kids dying? Nope. Hey, hairspray refills though, and free gas. - I am a widowed mom of five. I also am technically disabled. I can't drive anymore because of my eye condition. We have dance recital this weekend. We have three shows. I had this- - Sweetie, hold on, hold on. I'm just like trying to, critically think of this. Let me get this straight. Your husband died. You are technically disabled. You also cannot drive because you say you're technically disabled, but hey, he's refilling that hairspray. - Did you hear yourself? I'm disabled. My husband's dead, but he's refilling my hairspray. - Giant thing of hairspray. And it was about three, four seconds ago. My hair was full. I decided this morning, I'm gonna curl my hair, which I never do. And as I'm getting through the second child, after I'm all done, I'm realizing my curls are falling out. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, we're almost out of hairspray. I should not have curled my hair. I'm on the last girl and she wants her hair crimped. Okay, and around her whole head. And- - The secret society of semi-homemade, listen up. Sam's Club has pre-made dishes for a Thanksgiving feast that's ready in two hours, all while tasting suspiciously homemade. Come join us, Sam's Club. - Individual oven times may vary. - I'm like, dude, we're not gonna have enough hairspray. I'm calling the neighbor and she's at church. She can't come give me the hairspray that she has. I can't drive. There's no one to bring me any hairspray. - So she never actually confirms that her hairspray was empty. She assumed that she was almost done and she thought that it was over, but she kept using it and she realizes that she has a lot more than she thought she did. So you still had plenty in there. And I get it though, the propellant gas, and there can make it seem like it's very light, but you could still have a lot. So you can't really go by the weight of it. So she immediately thinks that Jesus is refilling it for her instead of like, wait, maybe I'm just like misjudging it and I had way more than I thought. - I started to pray and I said, Lord, please let her hair stay. Please let my daughter's hair stay in. Don't let it fall because I don't have enough hairspray. And then he started to remind me of a video I saw on TikTok a couple of days ago where a woman was going to the beach and she was complaining. It's, I'm giving you the shortened version about how everything was so expensive and how she's going to afford this and the gas and blah, blah, blah. The Lord starts filling her gas tank up. - Wait, I just realized, are the videos that I just showed connected? Is she talking about the video that I just showed? "What the f-- there's no way y'all are watching these videos and believing them. Maybe I should start praying for like a million dollars. Is this a new thing?" "God, if you're listening right now, please give me like a milli. Just a small little milli." "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Every time I did a section of crimping in her hair because there was plenty enough. Listen, this is completely empty. Empty. Empty. Light as a feather. I finished her hair." So basically, you just misjudged how much product you had in there. And instead of having some common sense and thinking that, "Oh, I misjudged how much product there was in here." You're like, "Wait, God is refilling it for me. That's what's happening." Oh my God. Are y'all here? It's empty. There's honestly. "God, please refill this classic strawberry high protein milkshake. Cat lactose free, 20 gram protein." Okay. I can hope. "When the Lord tells you go to Starbucks and wash, that's what the Lord is telling you?" I would hate to be clocked in. Oh my God. The speaker in the shoes. Yeah, tell him. I would honestly hate to be clocked in. And the woman was so sweet. My love, what are you. My love, get down, please. Or I'm going to hit you with this unicorn frappuccino. This was honestly really wild. The shoes on the table alone, people eat their lunches there. They put their food. And for you to be stepping with shoes, getting on top of the table, manners. I mean, you're already crazy, so I don't know if he has any manners. And then the yelling, cause I'm not calling that singing, with a speaker on top. Imagine being in a business meeting at Starbucks while this shit is going down. The dividends actually, you know. "That's a fucking big story!" "Yo, I wanted to be with you guys. I wanted to be with you guys." "No, it's just some unemployed moron. Yeah, the dividends are going to have to be the. " This is truly religious psychosis, cause what do you mean? The Lord told you to go to Starbucks, and even if he did that. Even if he did, did he specifically tell you to get on top of the table where people eat their food, and then start screaming with a speaker on? Did he tell you that specifically? And there's also been this trend going on lately where people take Jesus on a date with them? Wait, what kind of fucking selfish person are you? How did you get food for yourself, but you didn't get food for Jesus? I would personally be. so distracted cause you're over here eating, and I'm over here like. "Depressions are going up, you know, cause I'm not gonna be like this forever, and I'm cool." "Oh, you've been struggling with depression? Are you gonna finish those? They. It's like, I don't think you're. I look. Can I just. " Guys, I used to do this. Hey, call them Jesus dates. At that time, it was genuinely psychosis. Got diagnosed a few months later. I mean, hey, at least you got diagnosed. People just walking around undiagnosed. "Oh, okay, so Jesus can't help all the people that are being bombed in the world because he's busy going on coffee shop dates and flipping the pages of people's Bibles." I love how in this video she says that he literally spoke to me, and this happened while she was recording, by the way. Not any other hour of the day when she's not recording, but just as soon as she started to record, he literally spoke to her. Was that the fan that was blowing the pages? No. What? Did you even see a fan? There was no fan in the video. What are you talking about? There was definitely not a fan in the video. So while this trend was going pretty well for some people, like some were able to vent to Jesus, I guess. Some saw that he was literally speaking to them by turning the pages. That was definitely not a fan. But for some people, it was the complete opposite because it went horribly wrong. I'm not about to invite Jesus nowhere else. Invite him to come eat lunch with me. He said he got some pizza with anchovies. I'm like, then he gonna try to offer me- Wait, Jesus told you he got pizza with anchovies? You know what? Maybe I should go on one of these dates. Pizzas. Like, don't nobody want that. He's like, well, don't knock until you try it. I'm like, anyways, so I was like, is there any type of like food that you just don't really care for or don't like? It's like sauerkraut immediately. And I'm like, sauerkraut? I'm like, well, I like sauerkraut. He's like, I know. And you'd be sour after. I'm like, what? No, I don't. He's like, he's like, that booty be sour. That booty be sour. What? That booty be sour? How are y'all even coming up with this shit? The fact that she was being dead serious about that too, like what? My jokes are so bad sometimes. They are horrible. I admit that my jokes are not the best, but to think that her head came up with this shit, like this was an original joke. Don't eat sauerkraut because that booty be sour. That doesn't even make what sauerkraut doesn't make your booty sour. Does it? I don't know. I love my sauerkraut. I never thought that the sauerkraut, maybe I need someone to test out my booty after I eat sauerkraut. Like who's going to volunteer for that? Actually, no. Jonas delete. I know the comment section is going to be, delete that. If he's saying that about sauerkraut, what is he saying about Taco Bell? It's a bad day to be a Christian. I'm sorry, y'all. So far we have him getting free, gas for people, him getting free hairspray refills, and then also him going on dates with people, him telling people to get rid of their beds because witchcraft happened on them. Like what's going to happen next? Is he going to help a woman open a jar of capers because she couldn't open it? Oh man, this is, oh gosh, this is hard to open. We're going to pray. Heavenly father, I ask you Lord in Jesus mighty mighty name, for you to be my husband. You are my husband. I ask you Lord to just open this can because Wait, what the fuck did you just say? For you to be my husband, you are my husband. For you to be my husband, you are my, is that a prayer? I've never heard of that before. Is that, what do you mean for you to be my husband? I am so confused. How is he going to be your husband? So that's why y'all are going on dates with Jesus because maybe that's everyone's husband, I guess. What? I know I asked the Lord, but I, that is insane. It was so easy. God is so good. Do we not understand how amazing our father is? Her face reaction? Like, have you never opened a lid before? Sweetie, it's a, it's a lid. It's a lid. You open a lid and you're like, God is amazing. Sweetie, you open a lid that everyone does every single day. Oh my God. This brings me comfort, because even though my mom is dying of cancer, I know he's opening your jar and I'm glad his priorities are. I don't know if I should laugh or feel sad. Father, you are my husband. What? Yeah. I don't even know. I don't know what that means. I, I got diagnosed for this. Okay. So obviously this was just a joke. This did not happen to her. So let's see what the actual context was behind this. For context. I'm still in so much shock, which I know I shouldn't be since Jesus has always done things for us. For context, I'm still in so much shock, which I know I shouldn't be since Jesus has always done things like this for me. Like he's opened cans for you before? Oh, okay. And yet every time it happens, I am filled with such gratitude. I was filming a pasta video for you all and wanted to get the sound of me opening these capers. Obviously, as you see, I was struggling big time. Really? This is, oh gosh, this is hard to open. You struggled for a few seconds to open a jar and you were struggling big. She made it sound like she was about to pop a vein from this shit. I realized I have no one home with me, nor anything to open this with. In between one of these clips, I paused the video to search for some sort of bottle opener. I could not find it. Holy Spirit very clearly told me to pray and restart the video. So I went back home, press the call button and I have this amazing idea. The Secret Society of Semi-Homemade, listen up. Sam's Club has pre-made dishes for a Thanksgiving feast that's ready in two hours. Hours. All while tasting suspiciously homemade. Come join us. Sam's Club. Individual oven times may vary. But since this apparently works, instead of praying of opening these darn jars of capers that you can't open, how about we pray that like we get rid of cancer? I don't know. We end world hunger. We end homelessness. Since this is clearly working for you, maybe start praying about that and like hopefully he fixes those. Also, did you guys know that Jesus just dropped a gym clothing brand? Yes. I designed a Christian activewear brand. God calls us to be a Proverbs 31 woman. My biggest flex is representing Jesus in the gym. Representing Jesus in the gym? Like, is he sponsoring the protein powder? Like, are you sponsored by Jesus? Representing Jesus. Hashtag spons. Imagine you're at the gym working out and you hit a new personal record. If this one's for Bethlehem, this one is for Jesus himself. I'm not sure if Jesus would approve of this, but you know what? Get that back. Hashtag sponsored. So I did a little more research to see what she was actually selling. Now, apparently when this first came out, they were about $45 for the crop top and $55 for the leggings. Now, everything has been deleted and she no longer sells this because people realized that it was a scam. Well, not that it was a scam, but they realized that this wasn't being promoted by Jesus. She also ended up deleting her Instagram account, her TikTok account. This girl vanished because when I saw what was left over from her account, I'm like, how did you think this was okay? Five things every Christian girl should do at the gym. First, you want to meditate on the word of God and in between your set. And you want to listen to Christian worship music and praise the Lord and show your faith through actions and active wear. Five things every Christian boy should do at the gym. First, when you're doing your school. You got to do this with one hand because you can't hold the barbell and the Bible at the same time. So hold the barbell with one hand and the Bible with the other hand and just do it. For the leg workout, it's one pump, one verse, one pump, one verse, one pump, one verse, one pump, one verse. You got this. One pump, one verse, one pump. You might as well stay home. The Bible is getting more reps than your barbell. Do you guys want to know what makes Jesus laugh? Definitely not this video. He said, Jesus, what makes you laugh? And he said, frogs. Frogs? He said, when they ribbit and their neck gets a lot bigger and they go, ribbit. Then it goes, mew. What? Is this like popular girl Christian humor? What the fuck? That was supposed to be a joke that makes Jesus laugh? Religious psychosis. Oh my God. But when I hear voices, I'm schizophrenic. Is anyone noticing a pattern? Why is Jesus always talking about the dumbest things to these people? Why isn't he giving you the perfect stocks to invest in? I feel like that would have been crazy smart if Jesus is talking to you. Ask him about something that you could use. Not like, hey, Jesus, can you refill my hairspray? Bitch, go to the dollar store and get it for like a dollar. Ask him the real questions. What are the winning numbers for this week's lottery ticket? What do I invest in? What's going to make me? Is this why he's talking to these people? Because actually, I see it now. Never mind talking about religious psychosis. A tiktoker says that she completely stopped dating guys and now she's only dating Jesus. I stopped dating guys and I started dating Jesus now for around like a year and ten months. Wow, that's a long relationship. I'm dating the same man and it's OK. After he asked me to get into a relationship with him, he took me to his house. He was like, you know, I love you. I want to lead you to better. I want to change you. I promise I'm going to take care of you. Straight after we got together, Jesus flexed on me big time. After I got baptized, two of my videos went viral on TikTok. And lo and behold, after that, he was like, break up with your boyfriend. I'm dating Jesus exclusively. Hold up, let me get this straight, sweetheart. You broke up with your boyfriend, who I'm assuming loved you. And you broke up with him because Jesus told you to break up with him. Religious psychosis. Like, imagine being the poor boyfriend, though. She comes to you and she's like, babe, I'm going to have to break up with you. And he's like, oh, my God, what? You don't love me anymore. Did you cheat on me? Like, what did I do? Sweetie, I love you with all my heart and I would never cheat on you. I always love you. And then she pulls out the, uh, I'm actually dating Jesus now. Lowkey, though, this would have been better if you told me that you cheated on me. Like, you don't love me anymore. Because what do you mean you're dating Jesus? At that point, please just tell me that you had an orgy instead. Do not tell me that you're dating. Please just tell me something wild. That would have been a lot better than you dumping me because you're dating Jesus. The relationship game, but with Jesus. Who said I love you first? Who's more protective? Who cleans more? Who eats the most? Is this a form of Yumi shipping? No, this is literally blasphemy. Recording a Tik Tok video where the relationship game, but with Jesus. You know, though, who am I to judge? I bet Jesus would have loved a Tik Tok video of him of the relationship game, but with Jesus and it's him scoring more points in the relationship than Daniel over here. You would probably like that. Yeah. For this next one, this actually gets a little concerning because this woman was driving and she realizes that the devil possessed her body and it was going to crash her car. Seen playing in my head of me swerving my car and dying in a car accident and it ruining my family. Wait, hold on, realize it, realizing it's a demon snaps out of it. Please, who do you think you are? Get out of here right now. Get out of the name of Jesus. I command you to get out. Get out. Don't come back. Get out. Hell, yes, sister. Hell, yeah. Get that demon out of your car. You got authority power to you. I don't know what I was doing with my hands, I'm sorry. I love what you can actually see her chuckle a little bit when she she does is like, you know, like she starts struggling a little bit because even her cannot take this shit seriously, and I'm actually glad she revoked the devil permission to use her body, because imagine if she actually had an accident. And I'm pretty sure the devil was not even on her insurance. That would have been a crazy ass accident. And I like that, though, the fact that the devil has a heart and asks for consent, because nowadays no one asks for consent and the devil doing all of that. And y'all were talking shit about the devil saying that he's bad. At least he was asking for permission to possess her body. How different animals worship Jesus. God is good. *Maniacal laughter* JIGOS! JIGOS! JIGOS! *Maniacal laughter* Guys, I'm sorry, but how am I supposed to take you seriously when these are the videos that you are posting? Repent! What? That's the best I can do, I'm sorry! *Maniacal laughter* *Maniacal laughter* *Maniacal laughter* JIGOS! JIGOS! JIGOS! I feel like I'm offended and I'm not even a Christian. The donkey one was horrible. That shit is straight up blasphemy. Do you guys think that he's probably regretting giving us free will right now? Reminding myself that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but boldness to preach the gospel. "Faith in him, he will save you and free you from all of sin and corruption." Oh my god, this goes on for 45 seconds. Do you understand how annoying and how exhausted, how stressful you are when you're stuck on a plane? Because they're probably waiting to board or like they've been flying for hours and it's stressful. It's hot. Personally, I get so hot, I sweat so much and the last thing that I want to hear is this girl. Yap for 45 seconds Bitch, shut up. This is unbelievably Disrespectful now imagine any other religion doing this by the way any other religion It is weird, right? Cuz you can't just go on a fucking plane and start yapping for 45 seconds about things that I don't want to hear I get it you do you girly you're a Christian. I Happy for you, you know, like I'm all about that But then when I'm over here stressed as fuck because we we've been sitting on this airplane for hours and you're yelling about something that I Don't want to hear now that can I please smacker and the Gen Z Christians have actually turned the Bible into something fun like POV You just found a girl recorded the entire Bible, but made it sound like tea Probably still a teenager and she's engaged to a man named Joseph Who's a carpenter angel Gabriel shows up and is like Mary you're gonna be a mommy and Mary's like i'm a virgin then gabriel then gabriel goes whose baby is this then what happens when they get to the plagues like do they also read that as tea like they're talking about people dying and the girls are over here drinking starbucks like ttt that's crazy and also i don't know what bible chapter that was but were they talking about a teenager being pregnant anyways i'm gonna end this video here let me know what you thought about these clips hopefully i didn't make a lot of people mad because that was definitely not the purpose of this and remember kids love thy neighbor and maybe stop making jesus pay for gas you know what he should definitely pay for my membership because you get to watch my videos ad free a day early sponsor free and lid opener also included yeah that's my membership thank you john mary at the k brand sora autistic kiddo nico caesar the bob bambi lexie Rachel, Simp, Rock, Sleepyfish, Zizzy, Thomas, Water, Sirene, Cadiz, Dead Roses, Meow, Rye, Mushroom, Abru, Gabrielle, Hey Babygirl, Suzel, Pablo, Kawaii, Grinny, O2XS, Jaxxy, MWPW, Doog, Not Real, Many Edits, Lisa, Feliz, Greg and Bial. Bye. The secret society of semi-homemade? Listen up. Come join us. Sam's Club. Individual oven times may vary.