THE BUMBLE SPANKER

>> Okay, if you're listening and play if you want to play drinking game drink every time we say in my mouth. >> That flurb early in that. We should put that at the very beginning of that because you don't talk about it for so long. >> It'll get a little forward. >> So you're talking about grief and they're going to be like, what is my mouth. >> The grief. >> Hey, serious. >> I don't know if you're going to tell me about this crazy thing that happened yesterday. >> Boy, my mom, you will not believe who I saw last night. >> Oh my gosh, I can't wait to tell you the truth. >> Girl, I know we just talked but I forgot the best part of the story. >> I cannot wait to tell you. >> Hannah, I literally can't wait to tell you. >> I can't wait to tell you. >> Day one of 34. >> Day one of 34. >> What I was thinking about is, how do you feel about telling people your age, like the world in general your age? >> Oh my gosh. >> God as an actor. >> I guess, well, as a woman and as an actor, two separate things. >> I used to feel really self-conscious about it but then just recently I'm like, wait, we're so fucking young. >> Right. >> Like, we're still in the first act of our life. >> Yeah, I think that I feel in life, I don't give a shit about my age. I'm like, oh yeah, I'll tell anyone now what I am. And I don't feel weird about it. But there is something to be said about being age and big US where it's like, I wonder where they could place me if they had no idea if I was 23 or 45. You know what I mean? So naming your age, I'm always like, will that ever be a life of like a bias of how someone would cast you? >> Totally. >> But then again, I get auditions for like 50-year-old witch. >> I was just going to say that it's like a woman in her 40s not a model. >> And it's like, okay, I get it. >> Actually speaking of, after this, I need to do that self-tape. >> For a ****. >> Oh no. >> With that. >> With that. >> I have to do a self-tape that the number one thing says is have to become for bowl handling a hawk. >> A falcon. >> A falcon. A falcon. Very different than a hawk. So I need to, maybe we could even do self-tape stuff for this really fast. >> If you need to, I can help you out there. >> But it could be cool to hold a falcon. >> I have really seen that for you this year. >> I know. Same. I need to. But yeah, I'm 34. >> Yesterday was your birthday. >> Yesterday was my birthday. >> It was such a good day. >> It was a little bit. >> Absolutely. Yeah, just like bottom to top. I'd like have no brain self-tapped. >> Bottom to taint. >> It was too. >> It was too. >> H2O. >> H2O. >> From the start of the day to the end. It was just all around dreamy. >> It was like, I think because we started early and we were planning on having an early night. It was like the longest day of our lives. But I loved every moment of it. >> So woke up went to fourth first-rate class. Brought lay love and Claire and Erin, we all did a strength class that was pretty challenging. >> It made me sore. >> Yeah, very sore. And then we're like, okay, let's all, you know, we walked down Milwaukee, got some coffees, donuts, and then walked back home. We all got ready. I don't know if I've been talked about this on the pot of what my plan was for my birthday. >> Talk about it. >> So I wanted to do something a little bit different this year. I change up the energy. And Trisha, friend of the pod, she's obviously burping. >> I'm on it. So Trisha's an amazing dancer. And I was like, and used to do all of these classes. Like Trisha, if I paid you, would you choreograph a dance for my birthday and teach a bunch of our friends? And she was like, absolutely. So picked out a song after some debate, laid it on Freakham dress by Beyoncé. >> Such a good choice. >> Shout out to Erin. She was helpful in that inspiration. >> Yeah, that was a really good suggestion. >> Really good suggestion. >> And yeah, it was like a really great mix of people. All different levels of comfortability with dance with, you know, I think everyone kind of came in excited, but a little bit nervous. >> Yeah. >> But it was just so much fun. >> For me. >> Like just so many parts about it felt so good where obviously dancing is just fun. Also seeing all of my friends just really trying and being really privileged about it. And then getting excited when they were nailing the move. Like I could look at anyone in that room in my heart would just like so well with love because it was just, it was just so beautiful. And then like once we all would get certain things we'd all be like, hi, five in each other and like after every round we know that yes, water were all much camaraderie sweating. It was just so truly just beautiful all around. >> There's like a movie I'm trying to think of where they're training they're like the underdogs and every time they were like as they were getting better, there's a part where one of the characters maybe it is dodgeball where they like hop around and like go fucking crazy because they got the choreograph choreography right. >> Uh-huh. >> Anyway, we can get back to it. I want to say it was like a cheerleader, but I don't know why. But anyway, okay, side tangent. I was just going to say, I think two things you did such a job going according to Priya Parker's art of gathering in terms of it was like really cool to see how this was like a breakthrough meaningful experience for everyone, not just you and to quote Jordan Stafford, you really are a curator of fun. >> Aw, it's sweet. >> And it was cool because I a lot of people were going in being like, I do not do this. This is like, this is not for me. And then by the end being like, I got to take a dance class. Like we're like we're professional. >> It just it just made everyone put everyone in such a child like state. >> True. >> And it was so cool because I think it's so rare to have that nowadays. >> I mean, we're all like most the majority of people in that room were in their 30s. And yes, a lot of our performers, but like that was so not the kind of performance we did. And so like a video of everyone and last night when I came home and I was just absolutely cross faded out of my mind. I was eating this like chocolate peanut butter pie that Bill had brought and just watching the movie and I was watching each each person separately and just seeing everyone's like flavor and it was just so who said to you. So I was like, I love how you do it. Your comedic take on I was like I wasn't trying to be funny. I was genuinely trying to be good. I promise. My body like watching it. I think I forget how tall I am like I looked so like a linky like a newborn draft. It was just so funny to see like my how I couldn't get my footing. It was just so I think everyone like you don't watch it and see anyone doing like everyone did a good job. >> Everyone was great. Everyone looked amazing and put their own like spice on it. But it was funny to see how everyone's body's work. I know. So funny how did it feel for you because I know you kind of went into it being like I don't know a little nervous in terms of like just dancing in general. I think it was so much fun and I also just think it's really good for your brain to learn something like that. Like it's working a muscle that you don't normally work where you have to remember the steps. Move your body. I just think it's like really good for you. You can't be thinking about anything else. >> I wanted so badly to watch Joey dance and I couldn't focus on him at all. >> We have the video. >> I think Joey did an amazing job. >> Joey put some ass into the little as wrong. I was so impressed. >> I was. >> Carrie was telling me that she had been watching the movie sort of over and over. I was like she was just saying who was funny to like look at and she was just like I was like Joey's pretty iconic and she was like he's so straight and most of it but then just little moments where he's gay and like I love it. >> I know I'm like they're like to see like the little moments of like femininity. >> Coming out or even like as like the girls like which parts like we're like a little bit more masculine and like who had the what sort of energy towards different moves. It was just so fun. >> It was so much fun and my mom I like sent my mom my sister like all the videos and stuff and my mom is just so funny because I was like well gas me up about anything and she was like Hannah you're a natural the way you move is just you're born to do that like she's like you're you're the best answer. >> Literally okay first off my mom said the same thing she was like you were an incredible dancer you are so good at dance I was like. >> No I'm not like I'm okay admitting that I am not everyone as we know all these practitioners keep telling me my hips I my hips are tight and it's like please girl move your hips I can't and and I'm trying but the other thing that I was going to say your body. like defies gravity like like you're so I forgot how like limber and like It was just so funny watching you like kind of like float in the air like certain stuff Like and then there was like one part where we had to like breathe kind of and hop on a foot and and Hannah's like body It was like nothing I never seen like The act carry describe mind she's like you're so bouncy you're so balance I'm like it kind of is is Dreia who was also there. Dreia is pretty good Dreia was good like we were both cheerleader like we were cheerleaders together where we was like the It feels very much like the cheer sort of a pepiness to it Yeah, that I bring a little bit of pep But thanks to my girls my girls Chips in together that got me a really really thoughtful present a coupon to my dance classes So this is gonna be my new fixation. I'm gonna get like so good at dancing. I cannot wait And if I become like I never do Come on again, and I've become a professional dancer. It would be so funny someone walks in and goes you I'm Beyonce you have to come with me It happens really fast It's like Hannah dancer changing you know, it's not shows me Every time you see me have his shorter shirt on Or like baggy or cuz that was sort of I did say the dress code was honey Jessica Alba in honey and Cuz her name Jessica Alba's name and that is honey Daniels this morning Jordan texted me and said Hany Daniels That's so funny The best part of the honey movie is when the guy is like you're just not coming up with the moves honey And he better and then she's like let me go on lunch break and then she's like watching basketball players And she's like And starts doing the move of like kind of like dribbling under her under her feet and keeps dribbling back and forth And she's like that move. Yeah, and she's like just a little something I came up with and then she's like Shooting doing a ball underneath and that becomes the music video and it was very successful very successful We don't have a oh, I guess we never said we don't have a guest today. So if you guys I was like Why do I keep kind of like looking over at Shelby more often than we normally do is like is we don't have that? Shelby was there yesterday too So if you have anything you need to say Shelby let us know anything you want to add to that You're really sorry. Yeah, and that is what I will say everyone was dripping. I mean Drenched in sweat absolutely dripping drenched and there was a move where you know you had to get down on the ground And that was a lot of bending for this group. It was a lot of bending a lot of bending after doing a strength class where we were doing Heavy 90 90s. I think Trisha did a good job of not taking it too easy on us. I agree Like she added a lot of like fun fancy footwork. What was the thing a pot of array? A pot of array and then also we had like during the part of the song where it goes like Freak and a song. Freak and dress on everyone like stands like it's a volcano. It was so funny. Yeah I just kept thinking about that. It was so fun. Okay, so then that's not even wearing the nights so then we had done dancing like 3 p.m And I was like I I mean who am I kidding? But I was like this is perfect. We'll go to long room. We'll be done by 6 p.m We'll be ready to go. No, of course not got to long room and Aaron made a beautiful cake and we had lots of drinks and we were playing fun games and then just time just slipped through our fingers Absolutely dead then we went to jack's house for a little a little night cap just like a couple of us and There's something so special about sitting in lamp light with all of your friends seeing them drawn across a couch on the rug on a shastelow. I was like halfway blacked out drinking and drinking a glass of lambusco too horny pills deep too horny pills deep. I was talking about being women. I have drank every single different kind of thing that had been offered to me. It was so that Jack was such a good host such a good host. Shout out to Jack. Good burgers that longer. Oh yes, we get it to the burgers that long. Shout out to the burger and long room in general. Yeah, that was really really good. But yeah, and then I mean we So got home by like 11 30 11. It was perfect. I was in bed by 11. Um And yeah, just that felt so full. I got to see so many wonderful friends and I felt super loved and it was just so good. It was a really successful birthday. Really successful. I think and not to bring the mood down. But like I Going into yesterday. I was like the bars on the floor because last year for my birthday Izzy died or began his Descent. Yes. And it was just like everything is going to be better than that one. But that's kind of like and then before that is just I was always performing and I was talking to my therapist about it because I think for a long time I was someone who was like, I don't like birthdays. I don't celebrate my birthday. It's just another day. And while I am not anyone who's ever going to be like, it's my birthday week. And like me me me let's talk about me. Like birthday related. That's never going to be me. But I think I can be more fluid and being like It's okay to say that you're special for a day. You want to feel special for a day or Understand my therapist is like no people want to celebrate you. You don't have to like apologize on your birthday That was her big thing of On setting me free the day before my birthday after session she goes I wanted to have an amazing birthday tomorrow and You're not allowed to apologize at all that day. And I don't know if I did or not. I don't think you did I hope you didn't You said sorry for punching you in the face I'm just kidding No, you did not apologize. Good. I feel like it's like there's this weird sort of and correct me if I'm wrong But there's this weird sort of like shame around planning things around yourself. Totally. But I actually think it's like Such a nice excuse to have people come together and do things for sure And so it was like Yes, you were planning it and we all wanted to make you feel special But it was like such a fun experience for everyone totally. It's just such a fun Like to go out on a beautiful sunny day and like have a drink at a great bar with your friends and like eat those Is cake? What could be freaking better? It could be better. I think like because I was like growing up I my birthday. I was feeling like Almost always like last day of school or like last week of school where it was like Everyone had like or like graduation You know what I mean like summer break sort of thing so it was always like A million things were going on which was usually fun because I could like group it into like other celebrations And I shared it with like one of my best friends Taylor. Oh, no sharp happy birthday Happy birthday Taylor and I and then in like middle school and high school and college I always had really good friend groups where like I wouldn't get Anxiety over like planning a birthday party because I was like well I have like my core friend group and I know who's gonna be there blah blah blah blah blah and then Coming into Chicago. I think honestly that's where I started getting like birthday anxiety of like just because I moved to Chicago. I knew like one person and then it's like Okay, I met a couple people from my improv class and a couple people at work And then it's like if I want to do something on my birthday, it's gonna be like six or seven people all who are kind of random who I'm still sort of like getting to know and who knows how they're gonna interact A blah blah blah and so I feel like for a couple years it was sort of like Finding my way in terms of like finding my people in the city And I think the first couple years that I lived in Chicago a lot of my college friends would come for my birthday and so I think there was like a little bit in the 20s where I wasn't used to not having like a group of friends who you know like a New like like a sitcom group of friends. You know the people who are gonna be There in the dynamics and there's no mysteries around how it's just like oh yeah these are my friends This is we know how to have fun with each other but blah putting groups together who like don't know each other And now I'm lucky enough to have like built a group that I do feel that way of like There's like newer people or whatever but There's not much mystery and like the group that was together yesterday And they're all people who in enjoy Meeting the other people because it's like you've gathered a good collection. Yes People who can handle themselves exactly Exactly and like weirdly we have a lot of Virgo Rising just in general in our in our friend group It's there's something very nice about Planning it and having like all of the people that you want there who are also having a good time and having also like it's fun to celebrate Being alive for another year Amen to that. Amen. Amen because you know what it's not it's not Guaranteed it's not guaranteed. I think um I was kind of lucky because my entire life since my birthday was always the day after Halloween. I just like always had a Halloween party it was just like In my my blood. Yeah where I was like well, I'm gonna have a Halloween party right and that would it was like a nice excuse and it's so Scorpio. It is so Scorpio and it was so fun to like have a scoopy a scoopy spooky scary party. Anyhow is there are there any before we talk about other things are there any words you want to put out into the ether of 34 especially now it's a torus new moon. I know right um I want I guess I don't really know. I'm like normally I think tomorrow will be like that day that I might really sit down and sort of like meditate on it yeah um because like right now I'm just sort of like hanging on by like a thread same same. So we just kind of like wanted to do an episode where we're like checking in with each other we don't have a guess we're gonna like pop around to like a couple of our own see give some update give some updates just from our life I don't know okay I thought I went to like the psychic or I don't know oh yeah I mean well okay okay where do we want to begin where shall we begin how about this um I think the first thing because I wrote a couple of things down when we talk about consuming we both right now are consuming the artist's way but also as part of the artist's way like we couldn't read for a week but before I know this artist's week week I was a bad bad girl I think this week uh because in the artist's way it says like don't consume any reading because it's supposed to like free up your mind but I actually think the more updated version would be like don't consume social media yeah because I also did I also did that too I tried I kept putting a time limit on stuff but like god it's just so hard not to say remind me in 15 minutes um anyway but before this whole week of the artist's way rule um Hannah was reading this book and then tell me to read it and I've been really enjoying it so where are you at so it's conversations on love uh by Natasha Lenn where what chapter you want or what I don't know what chapter I'm on what's it talking about um it's literally just like talking about like um conversations on love these conversations it's like talking about uh friendships and like how how much friendships can give versus like in a romantic relationship but I'm like 70 pages in okay so the way the book is set up it's essentially um a someone's interviewing all of these different authors about love and it's set up in three different sections the first section is um finding love second section is like with like with standing or like holding on to love and then the last one is like letting go of love or last okay and I mean everyone like this is the assignment everyone go read that book I wish I read this in my 20s it's so so good I actually bought a copy for my therapist uh because I found out that she was a tourist um using my context clues about her and then I was like I don't know if it's okay but I bought you a little birthday gift I bought you this book and she's like oh I can't it's not okay it's not okay it's actually not okay it's like I I will read it but then it has to like I can't bring it home and I was just like well maybe I won't even fucking give it to you you freaking I'm just kidding I know find out where she lives and put on our doorstep from a little secret admirer uh raccoon drop the software you miss um a professional dancer drop this off for you you can do you can pull uh her where what she did on your last night where she like dropped off a gift with Valentina and like then Valentina handed it to me and was like this was a gift for Hannah from someone and I just saw the back of her head with like a little claw clip and kind of like Charlie from Charlie's Angels and so you can do the same thing where you dress up as an Amazon package worker this is how I get dropped by my therapist she'd be like actually appreciated how hard you tried to get in contact um but I was just telling her I was because I was just bringing up all this stuff that I had gleaned from it and it just like really breaks things down something I've been like really thinking about it especially like the lost section just like having gone through so much grief so like early in my life and like losing my brother um having like some complicated family dynamics um and then like just losing my yeah it was my grandma losing my like animal that I had like lots of animals growing up but just I feel like it was all of a sudden this like crash course in loss where it was like I never went to a funeral growing up you know what I mean like I had all four of my grandparents up until I went to college like and then it was just in honestly like the span of in the astrology of it all so 2018 to now was supposed to be fucking hell on earth for toruses and that is literally like the time that I experienced like all the loss like crazy just losing all those people is getting out of my first like romantic like serious romantic relationship which is like a loss in itself and it was just like this truly like eight years of like a crash course on grief yeah and it it was cool to like read other people's stories who have gone through just like massive loss in their life and something I've been just sort of meditating on is like a bad thing's happening in your life sad scary traumatic things happening in your life does not equate to a bad life hard things don't equate to a bad life which I think sounds so simple but in my mind I'm just like it reminds me because I look around in my life right now and I'm like so happy and I'm like I have bad things have happened I've you had to go through the ringer a couple times but like I have a good life despite that but that's because I chose to have a good life yes you know what I mean in like the narrative of being like this is a bad life well right like I think it's so easy to definitely like be defeated by it to be like defeated by the sadness and being like nothing works out from me or I'm just like life is a cut but a lot of the lost section was just talking about how like loss just like softens you and just like it I don't know I remember when I first lost my brother David it was like his birthday and then the day he passed away we're like always like these big calendar days where it was like weeks leading up I would feel it weeks lead it you know it was just this sort of I don't know build up to those days and I always wanted to like do it right and be like okay on David's birthday like I like had a tradition where because my brother was like chain smoker of cigarettes and so I would like any like loving in nature so I would like go out in nature and I would like smoke a cigarette and to be like I'm gonna smoke a cigarette with David on his birthday and because like whenever he was alive he would always be like you want to cigarette yeah and I was like okay and then he'd always be like like joking around if he could get me to smoke when or not but yeah so I was doing that and just tried to figure out ways like memorialize on those days and this one author was saying basically like they felt that same way and then like a decade later after their loss they were like I didn't feel the need to like to punctuate those moments as much much because it was like this loss and this person has just become a part of who I am and I'm feel like I'm getting to that where it's like smooths out over your entire being and your entire life rather than being just like oh I think about them really hard on that day it's like I think as you work through it and heal it can be more like ebbs and flows of like positivity throughout the day or negativity or whatever that may be yeah like it just has all been really nice and really really comforting yeah totally I've sent it to so many people because it also talks about a lot of different subjects like the woman in the book she had trouble conceiving and had a miscarriage and I know a lot of my friends have dealt with infertility struggles miscarrying all those things which is something like while I can't speak to I always want to be like open for people to talk about that too but when I read this I was like oh my god this is a good tool for me to help them of being like you should read this I think it'll like give you a lot of like peace and like help and make you feel less alone I think I think we all just don't want to feel alone the whole book is so validating yes you know also this reminded me I was reading the New York Times article about Martin Schwarz new document it's good it's so I think it's really good but it was it's interesting this reminded me of you a little bit just because there was a period in his life where it was like eight years of loss and like his brother was like man that was a tough eight years but like Martin Schwarz talks so much about like how he's been able to find the joy is in life without like sitting in loss. And it's just like very, very interesting. I need to watch the documentary. Yeah, I mean, that's another thing made my therapist have like really been thinking about and working on too. It's like because I like had like lost and well, here's spoiler alert. I learned I have complex PTSD. And I'm trying to go into 34, even on this podcast, just being more like vocal about things that I've gone through. And hopefully it makes other people feel less alone. Yes. Because the way in which I lost people in my life was traumatic. I have PTSD. And so like say one little thing. If I get a call from my mom at a time that's just slightly weirder in the day, like I can go all the way to being like, well, I need to go pack my suitcase because someone died. But like, it doesn't make sense, but in my mind, it makes sense. And I just jump a million, like even-- and it was just like that like eight years. It just felt like it was one of those things where as soon as I was like, well, now things are going to get better. I'd be like, like it would just like immediately like, no bitch, down. And it would be like ways in which I wouldn't even be guest like ways in which where I'm like, I couldn't even cook that up. I don't know where this is coming from. So what I'm working this year, we're focusing on me having tools to not spiral to worst-case scenario. And then also be like, if the worst thing does happen, you can't control that anyway. And so like, if today is a good day, don't be afraid to say today is a good day and claim that. Because today could be a good day, and tomorrow could be a bad day. But like, if you spend all of your good day thinking about how tomorrow is going to be a bad day, then you're having two bad days. Yeah, yeah. That's a great way to put it. And so I'm really trying to be not afraid to claim goodness and joy in my life and not be like fucking Anna Ferris in Scary Movie, where it's like, what are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? But sometimes it felt like I would literally like, buy my tongue, like, say like, things are going really well right now. And because I would feel like the other shoe would drop somehow. So I think in this book, they talk a lot about that of-- it's like-- I mean, all of it's like gratitude. And just how love is surrounding us in so many different ways. I like it too, because it's not just all about romantic love either. It's like familial love, friendship love, all of those different sorts of love. I'm still only in the finding love section, but it's just very, very interesting because it talks so much about like-- because of this sort of societal pressure that we think we have to end up with someone or that like we're-- or that like we'll never be happy until we're with someone. I think it just does a really good job of talking about how like, when you enter into a romantic situation, not thinking like-- like thinking, I'll be fine either way if this does work out or doesn't work out. It's such a like more successful way of going into it versus like, if this doesn't work out, like, it's a me problem again. And like, I'm not going to be happy. And so-- I think it's also like the savior comp-- like, as-- I think there was like a narrative like growing up where it's like, when you fall in love, like that person's going to like save you your life. And this book is all about like, that is a farce. No one is going to save you from your life. Someone could surely like help you manage your life and they can add things to your life. But like, no relationship is going to like fix anything that was already broken. Yeah. And you, if you don't fix it yourself. Which is kind of like duh, but I don't know. I think this book like puts it in a-- I think sometimes it can be like, well, that romantic love, that's the key to fix this book. And it's just like, no, that's just not reality at all. Yeah. It really is it. She does. She puts it in a very digestible way where you're like, oh, yes. Oh, yes, it's very-- and there's like a-- it's highlighting a lot of authors that we like, Dolly Aldertons in there. Esther Peral is in there. But yeah, I loved it. I mean, I'm done. I want to read it again. I haven't been reading it this week. And it's not literally-- it's not even because artists way told me not to. I just-- every time I open it in bed, I fall asleep. That's not indicative of the book, everyone. No, no, no, it has not been. I've just been tired. Soar. Soar from dancing. Soar, soar, soar. Well, let's move into our contemplation, which this kind of already-- this flows nicely into this. But something I'm talking about with my therapist is anger. And I've been contemplating what my balance of anger is. Because-- and this was something that I think there-- in-- sorry, I keep bringing up the artist's way. But in the artist's way, it talks about noticing synchronicities in your life and what keeps popping up. And it was interesting because she had a section on anger and how, when we're angry as artists, it can tell us a lot about what's maybe blocking us or keeping us from doing something, whether it's like we're angry and the underlying feeling is like because we're not allowing ourselves to access a certain artistic moment or whatever. We're like too hard on ourselves anyway. But then a friend, Adisa, sent me a video about how women who suppress their anger it adds to their autoimmune diseases or just how so many women make themselves sick by not allowing themselves to be angry. And I think I used to-- especially when I was unmedicated and not therapy, I used to allow myself to get angry. And in those times, a lot of times, actually, when I was really angry, I also was really creative and motivated and had a lot of flow. But on the other hand, that anger was very hard to control and didn't feel good. I felt like it brought out a side of me that just I didn't like. And then anyway, so then I think going on medication and then going through therapy, I've been learning how to tame that anger and-- Bring it back a little bit. Yeah, so now I'm like, I guess I have to get it back a little-- I need to go to a ray of room. I know. I need to-- it's just I've done such a good job, I think, of training myself when something I would take personally in the past, being like, I'm actually not going to take that personally. I'm not going to get mad. I know there was no malintent. I'm not going to let this ruin my day, which has been super helpful in general, totally great, especially in terms of-- I don't know. You work with so many different people, and you just can't take shit personally, because it just is a waste of energy. But sometimes, I guess it's not a waste of energy, because if there's certain things that anger you, it's OK to be aware and let and sit in that first. Yeah. Versus it being unhinged anger. Totally. Uncontrollable anger. Right. And that balance is hard. Yeah. I mean, what's the ideal way to get out the anger then? Like scream? Like, dover scream? I never scream. [LAUGHTER] I never scream. Like, I don't know. Yeah, even when I'm upset with someone, I hardly ever raise my voice anymore. Yeah. Versus when I think about relationships in my 20s, especially with boys, I would raise my voice. Or be like, no, you hurt me. And now, like, I don't know. I just-- yeah, I never scream. Do you want to scream right now? I don't even know how I could. Like, I have no-- [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] If I got my anger out. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, I need to-- What do you think you can-- like, what makes you angry? I actually think some soccer might be helpful in helping get my older. Yeah, I told her. Because people like pissed me off on the field. And I'll be like, I should hunt him down and troll his mother. [LAUGHTER] What the mother got to do with it? I don't know. There was one time where this guy was like, "F'reff, that was a handball." And I was like, I didn't even mean to touch it. Like, it just hit my hand. And he goes, you clearly did mean to touch it. And I was so mad that he was talking to me and taking this so seriously that when I was on the side, I was like, I want to find out that guy's whole life story, find out who's important to him, and catfish those people online. And then the guy who was next to me was like, whoa. And then I was like, oh, come on. Like, you've never done that before. Like, you've never thought about doing it. But I just thought, I thought I was being funny, but God. Sports are really fun to be petty in. Like, I remember in tennis, especially playing doubles. Like, it was just so, especially if you were playing a kind. Like, it just to be like celebratory in moments. And I-- And it was just, I don't know, I loved doing petty shit. - I know, you could really lean into the extremities of being like, one time I was playing soccer when I was 16 and this girl was pushing against me. And so I was pushing her back and she goes, get off me, lesbian. And I was like, (mimicking) - Yeah. (laughing) And I was like, first off, that's so homophobic and second of all, you were all over me. You're the lesbian. (laughing) - Anyway, so I really got a tap back into that, I guess. (laughing) - Very interesting. - Yeah, I feel like I've never leaned angry. I lean like, I shut down. I'm just like, if I, like say something is happening that makes me so upset, I never go to anger, I go to like, and I just like, I get like, unresponsive and it's like really scary. (laughing) And it's not a fun feeling. Like I feel like in that moment, in the way when people lose control when they're angry and they can't control it, like when I shut down, I feel like I can't, I'm like, I, Ursula has taken my vocal cords. (laughing) I can't, like I can't tell you, I can't speak. And I just like, we'll go mute for like 24 hours. And then the next day, I'll just like, fucking like, have be like, this is what I was feeling and boo, and all those things. And then that's whenever I usually take action of, do I communicate that or boop? But like, that is, that I'm sure is my, and like, rather than being angry, I think it's angering to other people when I shut down 'cause they're like, you should talk to me about it or you should boop and I'm just like, you cannot. (laughing) I don't wanna go there. I can't speak and I need to go on to like, eight mile walk by myself and I'll figure it out from there. I, I think like, it would be helpful for me to basically not necessarily like push it down, but just like, when the feeling of anger happens, not metabolizing it so quickly. Maybe like do something like, just like, (laughing) to the person. (laughing) I'm waiting to get out to, to like, bring it into your daily habits of feeling anger. Have you ever gotten so mad that you start laughing? Like, there have been times where like, one time, this is a silly example, but like, Joey like, couldn't find his sunglasses and he was like, taking so much shit out of all the drawers everywhere, like making such a mess being like, lila, where are my sunglasses? Where are my sunglasses? And I was like, doing something else and I was like, after I'm done, I'll help you look. And then I was also like, but you don't even need your sunglasses right now. It was something along those lines. Anyway, he was just like, like, I need my sunglasses, like I, I, if I lost the sunglasses, I don't know what I'm gonna do. And I was like, okay, hold on. So then I went and like, looked and immediately found them. And then like, was like, here they are. And then he was like, okay, well, yeah, I just, I wish you would have helped me earlier. I was like, I was like, I need you to just like, not talk to me for like, I was like, this is so crazy. I was laughing like so insanely because of how mad I was. My cheeks are red. But like, it's so weird. Like, I think I get so, I've tried so hard to tamper it that it comes out in different ways. Anyway. Whenever you were growing up, did you see your parents get angry? Definitely, there were like moments where they would get mad. Yeah. I like, I mean, every once in a while, like, we get a peek behind the blinds, but it was like, my parents were such magicians of like, just that was not how we, yeah, do things. Like, anger was not super copacetic in our house, which I don't think was super healthy. Like, healthy. I think it's like to be like, this emotion is bad, then you are like, then you're like, oh, that emotion is bad. But all emotions are helpful in some way. Yeah, it's so telling. It's so telling. So to be like, this feeling is bad or feeling sad is bad. But that's, I mean, another thing that me and my therapist are talking about is like, if you're like feeling sad, like, it's OK to feel sad. That's a part of life. Like, a part of life is feeling sad. Like, you will not live a good, rounded life if you don't feel all of the different emotion. You can't access joy without feeling sadness. Yeah. So if you don't allow yourself, and you like, numb yourself out to this level, you don't get to have like those highs and lows if you don't allow yourself. Totally. And we were actually talking about this at your birthday yesterday. When you were blocked out. When we were blocked out. Like, we remember moments in our life because of our strong feeling. Like, a moment in childhood when you were so embarrassed or so elated that like, it really punctuates that moment in your life. Like, I remember there was a time that I was so upset with my brother that my jaw locked up. And that was when I first got like TMJ. That's one of my-- That's so scary to me. Oh, god. It was like, yeah, it was so crazy. But I remember it so well. But you know, just like-- Yeah. I think it's like, we do so much as women to fucking like, tamper our emotions down and being control and not let men affect us, which I think is really important. Because like, it's like, there's just so much you're balancing in society every day of how you're being perceived and like people respecting you so you don't want to show them when you get emotional or upset or affected by them. But then at the same time, I also feel like, I don't want to numb myself out too much or keep myself from having these strong emotions so that I can get data to in my body of like, how I'm feeling, honestly, like being able to connect to my gut. And then also, I think if I tamper it too much, it literally affects my alopecia. Like, I think we make ourselves sick by suppressing stuff. Yeah. Like, anger is a gateway drug or a gateway feeling to something else. Yes. It's always like-- There's something there. Usually anger is sadness. Yes. For-- Or jealousy or something behind that. But it's like, if we don't allow ourselves to understand the anger in feeling it. So I just-- I don't know. I've just been thinking about that. I guess I'm trying to get angry, but in a tempered manner, out of five, angry at a five. Yeah. And just like finding-- yes, spaces where you can't tap into it. Like on the soccer fields or-- Yes. I don't know. I'm all agree. When you said what makes you angry, I'm trying to think. And like, there's really not that-- I guess I get angry when men say something kind of dismissive. Or I get angry when people make me feel dumb. Or like, like, that my opinion is dismissed or not heard. Or like feeling disrespected in some way. Which there's so many different ways to feel disrespected. Also, this all made me think about, I guess, my contemplation is just another sort of truth bomb. My therapist dropped is we were talking about loss. And I was just like talking about grief. And I was like, you know, most days I feel OK. And then there'll be like every once in a while where it's like-- like, for example, like we were talking about Izzy. And I was just like, you know, most days I can just be grateful for his presence in my life and all the memories of it. And then it'll be like I get like an image of Izzy on his last day and like getting like a shot. Or like him being like-- you know, like getting like a disturbing image from that happening, like a traumatic image. And I was like, you know, it's just like-- is that just how everyone is? And she was like actually, Hannah, like, not all loss in your life is going to be traumatic. And I was like, whoa, that's kind of like-- because then I was really thinking about it. And it's like losing my grandma, I wouldn't call that traumatic. Because she had cancer and she, you know, told us, she was like, I'm ready to die. I don't want to do chemo. She was like, I've seen a lot of death. I'm ready to go. Like, it's my time. And she was like awesome. She like chose it for herself. And yes, like I was not there on like her very last days where she was like, you know, so small and frail. And like, I'm sure those are like images like my dad might have because he was by her side. But like, I don't have any of those sort of like ping, scary images and images. And around it, and it felt like a peaceful loss. or like say a breakup you have with someone that nothing necessarily like terrible happened to you like fell out of love or you decided you just weren't right for each other. Like think of someone you went on a couple dates with and it's like I easily never thought of them ever again. Like that's a non-traumatic loss or whatever that may be. Or like a friendship you grow out of. Like it doesn't happen to be like you got in this huge volatile fight. It's like we drifted apart. But I guess that's where EMDR comes in. She's training in EMDR. Oh. EMDR is like rapid eye movement. So she says with EMDR you can like take away some of those traumatic images. So I was like, well, I'm going to be like, she's talked to me about doing like ketamine therapy, which is like also supposed to help in like trauma of being like you can you know rewire some of these sensations, whatever. But I just thought that I don't know if I mean tell me if you think that's like a dust statement of like not all losses traumatic. But you know what I know I think that's like such a good point and way to look at it. And like I mean in talking to Lane about this like she was saying how some loss can be like so beautiful. Yes. You know or like such a celebration of life. Yes. In certain ways. Right. Versus like something happening like so spontaneously or like or in a way where you're like watching like your animal go through such painful situations. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was interesting of just like I'm like I don't want to be like too much of a lab rat with my mind. But I'm like I'm interested. I know. And the EMDR of it all. There's I think right now because we have like free time. It is very interesting to be like well I'll try. Yeah. I'm like I'll try anything once. Right. Okay. Okay. I have a curious. Yeah. It's a real off. That this just came to me when I was walking. I'm curious why I got kicked off of Uber and hinge. I'm really glad you got the stuff. Because I was like. So kind of some backstory. I am not allowed on hinge or Uber. That's the back story. Yeah. But I don't know why. So I like the last time I had hinge was like over like probably like a year ago now. And I had just I had it on my phone. I was just like not active on it. But then like all these people like had liked me. I don't know if I've talked about this on the part of the. No, no, no. And so I was just like banking up a bunch of likes. Nothing to get excited about. A bunch of freaks. And so then you know I have like a couple hundred to like sort through. And I'm going through and it's like I mean basically all now. It's like no, no, no, no, like rapid fire. Like hell, no, hell, no, hell, no, hell, no. And then I like put my phone down. And then like an hour later I get an email from hinge being like your account has been like marked for. Has been reported for something for like suspicious activity or like something. And I was just like what the fuck? And then I was asking my sister was like very active on the apps at one point. I was like has this ever happened to you? She's like no. And I say no to a lot of people. And I'm like that's so weird. And so then I didn't want to be on hinge anyway. So I was kind of like this is a sign from the universe that I never have to be on hinge ever again. But then with Uber, I like years ago I got like a notice from Uber being like you're not a lot. You broke community guidelines and you're never allowed to take your suspended from Uber. And then actually a year ago, I think it was a year ago because for when is he passed away you guys got me an Uber eats gift card. Oh no. And I tried to use the Uber eats gift card and I was still locked like it wouldn't even let me use that Uber. And so then that's whenever I was like can I ask why like what happened? And they're like you've been like noted as like breaking community guidelines. I was like can I know when and where I did this? And they were like no one we will no longer be communicating with you anymore. Like I got ex communicated from Uber. And they were like goodbye never like and it was like no they gave me no information. They gave nothing. That is so crazy. The only thing I can think of is going on a like I was going on a lot of bachelor at trips for a while. And maybe I ordered an Uber and one of my friends was like threw up in the Uber was acting crazy or something. But even then wouldn't they have like a record of that? They wouldn't they like charge you'd see like a hundred fifty dollar fine. I'm like we're one of the Uber drivers you're worse enemy. Was it someone you went to high school with? I know I literally have no idea. And I'm like yeah I just I I'm just so curious what like was did I do something like what did I do? You're a terrorist. A terrorist of Uber. That is crazy. I really have no. I wonder if Uber and Hendron kahoot's. I have no idea but I was kind of like well you know according to the psychic which maybe this we should hear about your psychic. Oh yes. But since you never brought that up. But I the psychic said I'm not going to meet anyone online but if I wanted to go online like apps to like for funsy I could. And I'm like do I want to like download some sort of app for the summer and I'm just like it could it could also be really fun. I guess it's kind of like I feel like you have to do the dating apps in windows you know where like you give it like a week and then if it's annoying you're like all right I'll be off for two weeks and then. I feel like hinge was so like the go to one and that's like. But like the last time I was on Tinder Tinder just went we go a rise so quickly like it would be so. Tinder is a while while less truly it was so it would be like the most innocuous I remember once like this guy was like. Hi like. Hi beautiful like how's your morning I was like. Oh it's good like I just woke up and he was like oh really what are you what are you up to now I was like well I'm just being lazy and bad he's like. I was I was in bed with my cock like in your mouth. I'm not kidding it was that like I was like wow and it was it was like annoying because I didn't even feel like I consented to that I'm like. I'm like well response I don't know a lot of women that would respond to that I don't want to shame anyone but like. I just know that oftentimes if someone responds to me like that saying I want to be in bed with my cock in your mouth I'm going to be like I don't I'm not getting anything of this. I'm like maybe if you're like in bed with me tickling my back and you got me a good latte. Exactly that's what I want. I don't really care for you. Tickling my back with your cock. If you're a tickler I'd love it. He's got a tickling cock. The slide is tickle of a cock. My image of my mind is a fair gun but the end of the fair gun is a dick. Basically. See that's what we need on Tinder. Hey guys the hey guys much for listening to I can't wait to tell you this is Hannah. This is Layla and we just want to let you know how much you mean to us and we want to know how much we mean to you. Please please if you could right now leave us a rating give us a thumbs up on one of our YouTube videos. Include something that you just heard on this episode maybe in your review a one-liner. So yeah comment on a on an episode in Spotify all these things mean so much. It helps us out so much. Yes and for every like we get on this episode and review equals one cock tickle that Layla will get. The cock tickler comes in your room at night and gives you a cock tickle and we'll make sure it happens if you give us a like. I'm doing like send us a 10 friends and the cock tickler will come after you. If you don't like and subscribe to our YouTube channel the cock tickler will come for you. Anyways back to the episode back to the episode but yeah I'm like I don't know what the I've heard of fields people are on field these days. And I'm like I guess Bumble still I was on Raya for a little bit. I know I think I probably could get back on Raya if I wanted to. Maybe you should just date us a lot for the summer. But the thing is is nobody on Raya likes me like that like I know I think I'm a cute girl. Very cute but I beautiful and back but on Raya it's like I'm not what they're looking for. They're looking for like Instagram models you know. I feel like Raya is so strange but then it's superficial. It's kind of be one guy that's like I just give me a real woman. There's like there's I remember seeing a lot of sports players. Sports players. Sports players. Sports players. That would be nice. I'm like I had a dating an athlete. He's like so you like comedy. What if you did comedy and my cock was in the mouth. One time I had this crush on this guy that I'm not. I had this job at a sports recruiting company when I was 23. And there was this guy who I thought was so cute, and we'd talk on the work chat all the time. And one time he messaged me on Instagram, and I was like, "Oh my God." And he was like, "You look really beautiful tonight." And I was like, "Oh my gosh, if I'm being honest, I've always had a little crush on you." And he was like, "Well, I want to put my cock in your "puss and fuck you hard tonight." And I was like, "Why, why'd you have to do this? You ruined everything." And it's just like, I think it's rude. It's like even dirty talk that's like, like it's like an unsolicited dick pic without the dick pic. I've just been like, "By you not asking me "or I sound like warming up to get there." And then he was like, even verbal consent, via text messages, just like. - Verbal consent and verbal foreplay. - Right. - Work me up to it. - I think the climax so fast. No one cares about the tension leading up to it. - Men don't. - Men don't. - Stupid, stupid, men. - And angry. - They got to be angry. - I'm angry. (laughing) - I'm angry. - Yes, that's such a. - I'm curious about that too, Hannah. I'm sorry about that. - It's okay. I'm like, it doesn't keep, it surely doesn't keep me up at night. I'm on lift. You're on lift. I'm on lift and door dash. So, I lie tinge back in the old days when you could see your mutual friends. You know what I'm talking about? Like, you would be matched with people because you had mutual friends on social media. - Oh yeah, I didn't know that. - This was like 2015. - I will say that's a good way to use the dating apps is like seeing someone who you like may never have like bridged that having a conversation of having attraction to each other but knowing who each other are and then like swipe. I've matched with people that way where it's like, oh my god, you're on here and blah, blah, blah. - Yeah. - But that also adds a weird element of like, are we talking as friends on here or like, or whatever I worked at a bakery. There was like a regular who liked me like six different times on hinge and each time I would shoot away. And it was just so uncomfortable. And I was like, bro, don't you, like he would send me like a like with like little croissant emojis. And I was like, because of where you were. - Exactly. - And I'm like, oh, so uncomfortable. - And also there was like this weird thing that would happen where like, you know when you would go off, you would go on hinge, match with some people, start talking, they go, like stop, they fade away and stop talking. Then you stop doing it for a couple months, you go back on hinge, those same people, you match with again, they message you again. - Yes. - Then they fade out again. It's like, what was the point of this process? - So remember whenever I matched with that guy. And well, this is like my mistake because we matched and he was like, do you wanna get tacos in Pilsen? And I was like, okay, but in like Pilsen it's like far away from us. And so then like leading up to the day everything seemed like normal. And then I was like heading there and I hadn't like heard from him and I like touched on him like, I'm on my way. And they didn't hear anything. And I was like, what the fuck? - God, that got about. - And then I was like, going there and I was like, maybe he'll just be there. But what, then I get to the place. And I'm like, I'm here, are you here? And he no response. I'm like, okay, I'm waiting five more minutes and then I'm gonna fucking leave. Wait five minutes, he never shows up. And so then I like him like face him and lay like, and I was like, I'm so fucking pissed. If honestly going back I would have just, I should have just went and got a drink at the bar by myself. But I was just so fucking pissed and I was like, and then I was like, I wanna give him a piece of my mind and lay like, you should do it. So I left it. I like left a voice moment. I was like, hi, this is Hannah. Your date that you just stood up. I was like, I don't know if you all really listen to it or if you care. But like it was just really disrespectful what you did. Like I have a life and I am a human. And I planned my day to come out to Pilsen and meet up with you. Like if you would have just communicated that you weren't gonna be here. Like I don't know you, there would be like no, like I didn't even wanna come on this date. Like just, I wish you would have just communicated that to me, it's so disrespectful. And I just hope you know you ruined my day. Like something like that. And then I like sent it off. And then he never responded. And then I had like deleted engine that I'd gotten back on again. And that dude liked me again. I just don't understand. It's so far down. I remember that voice memo. Hey. So obviously I left Pilsen Yards because he did not show up. I left a long time ago, but I just wanted to say it would have been all good if he didn't wanna meet up tonight. But I wish you would have communicated that or sent a text before I drove all the way down to Pilsen. I just feel like that was a really shitty thing to do 'cause I'm a person with a life and my time is valuable to me. So I hope you don't do that to other people moving forward. Yeah. Have a nice night and a nice life. See, in my mind I was so much winner. But you were like, I get it. If you didn't wanna come, that's fair. But I took time out of my day to show up here and I'm a decent human being. All you had to do was just message me. You were so, you worded it so well. I can't believe he couldn't just be like, you're right, I'm sorry. You're right. God forbid. I'm just, what's the point of that? Like, even if it was like, I'm on my way to Pilsen and he's like, even if he was so cowardice to like, unmatch me to show me that he doesn't want anything to do anything, any sort of indicator that he wasn't gonna show up anything. Yeah. It was so frustrating. I just like imagine he's sitting at the corner of the bar like watching you and he's like jerking off. Yeah, he's getting off on it, watching you be upset. (laughing) He's the old, the old, hidden bar warrior. (laughing) The Pilsen bar warrior. Sets of dates and never shows up. Watch out for him. (laughing) That's honestly worse. I don't know what's worse being a bad date or like, just not showing up. Not showing up in that way. It's really fucked up. Being a bad date sucks, but it's like, at least you were meeting my vulnerability. Like, at least we could agree on that. But yeah, that was brutal. Brutal. My sister and her friends do this thing in New York that none of our friends have ever really dabbled in. Where they will be like out like at the bars drinking and they'll match with someone and like have like men sort of get delivered to that where it'll be like, someone from Hinge will just come meet up with them at the bar and then they'll all hang out with them and sort of like, be like, is anyone vibing with him? And then they'll be like, okay, we're leaving now like, bye or be like, hang out with us for rest of the night. Like they do that all the time. I think that's really smart. I did that once with a guy named Shadow T. (laughing) And yeah, he came and met me and my friends out of the bar and then like, this was like in my 2019 like, fuck it, era. And we had a really fun time. It was awesome. How did it end? Well, I wanna say what happened, but in case somehow, I guess I'll bleep a stain. But I wanted to give him a shout out. (laughing) So that he'll listen to the pod. If you're my parents or a family member, don't listen to this story. Or just, yeah, just know that I'm about to say something sexual. So is this a lawyer? No. God, that was terrible. The lawyer, so hopeful and that was terrible. No, but that guy ruined my dress. - Sorry. - Tickly, my back. - Tickly. (laughing) Oh, I wanted was a cop tickle. And then he ripped my dress. - Oh, see how the wanted was a cop tickle. - So we had gone out like a couple of times and he was very fickle with texting, which was kind of annoying, but I was like, whatever. - What are you so fickle? - Fickle. But I was like, all right, well, I want something more consistent. I'm just not gonna take this personally. But then we met up like a fourth time and we were like, you know, getting ready to do it. And he spanked me so hard. - I remember that. - It left a hand print and it just shocked me so much. And I think like, if like, if I had known it for a little longer or there was like some sort of foundation of trust, Bill, I could have been a warrant to that. - But there was no warm up. It was so immediate. It like really freaked me out. It just, my body like had an immediate reaction. And I also had just never been spanked before like that. Now I get spanked all the time. I'm just kidding. - When I do something bad. - But like, yeah, when I do something bad and get angry. But I was just so caught off guard. - Yeah. - And then after that, I just couldn't see him again. - I will say, I guess we're going sexual in this episode. - Oh, I know. I know the past couple times when a guy has like, I think something reads about me spank me. (laughing) I really, I must be giving that off because like spank energy. - The last like couple times I've like, fooled around with someone. I've got like, I got a little, nothing hard. Just like a little, you know, warm up spank and to see kind of test out the waters. I never asked for it. But they assume something-- You just have two juicy of an ass. I think it's that or they want to be like, you loud girl. You loud girl on the dumb you. Take my cock in your mouth. Time to dumb you little girl. OK, if you're listening and play-- if you want to play a drinking game, drink every time we say cock in my mouth. In this episode. I know, can we put that flurb early in that episode? We should put that at the very beginning of that episode because you don't talk about it for so long. And it'll get out of the look for it, too. So you're talking about grief and they're going to be like, what is cock in my mouth coming? [LAUGHTER] So you don't want to hear the grief stuff. Get to the cock in my mouth. Yeah, in the mouth. I was just talking to a friend who told me that she knew someone who went on a date and on the first date, they had their first kiss. And he choked her on the first kiss. Was it-- OK. So here's what I-- here's my-- because I've ever been kissed and someone just holds you by the neck and it's not a choke. And that can be kind of domineering. I could be-- yes. But if there's pressure around that, I would be like, bro, what's going on? I guess it really depends on the person. If they just have the Jouah de Vive and I'm like, wow, the way you're choking me is so sexy. But if it's like-- I just feel like it comes out of nowhere. Yeah. Soaking on the first kiss feels-- I think-- unless there's some sort of extenuating circumstance where it just really makes sense. But I just-- I don't know if I'd like that. Yeah. I think-- I'm like, you met on like a kink app. Right. And it was like, I think there needs to be discussion beforehand. I was never offended by a spank without my-- because they were respectful kind of like testy, kind of like a little one. And then-- I think I got playful at a like-- I wish they could have gotten on the mic. The slight-- It's like a-- Wait. Would you bend over? A little. Oh, I was a good one! [LAUGHTER] Can a spank be just right? But literally, if you do a little of that, and then say, is that OK? Yeah. And I'd be like, OK, now that I thought about it, I've never spanked a guy before. Like, what did they think they would get offended? Like, because now you know it's kind of like one a guy like spanks a girl, it's kind of like, you know, dumb sort of like daddy energy. Like, I wonder if like you like like, come on, girl. Come on, love boy. [LAUGHTER] How they would respond to a playful slap on the bone. Honestly, goal for the summer. Try it out. And then you get banned from that. [LAUGHTER] She's the Bumble Spanker. She's the Bumble Spanker. [LAUGHTER] The Bumble Spanker. The Bumble Spanker. Careful with that one. Ah, you didn't know that girl. She's been spanking an off 50 countries. 50 countries. Dust two wings. From Bangladesh to Paris. Paris the country. I love it. Then a guy thinks that they're not with the Bumble Spanker. And then it's when they're least expecting it. I come up from another room. They're like, surely this could never be the Bumble Spanker. You like have such soft hands. You would never think. You feed a kid. This surely can't be her. The Spanker. Then he turns on to walk away and I spank the cat. [LAUGHTER] The cat loves it. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] You know who loves a spank? Boop. That's so weird. Olive also loves a Tushy spank rug patting. Is such a little horny girl forgetting spank. She likes say, hold the mic. This is Boop's ass. [APPLAUSE] Yeah, keep going. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, yeah. Damn. So you hit your cat. And she'll be like, grrr. No, Olive also likes a good Tushy pat. They have like receptors there. It totally makes sense. She loves it. That's a science I know about. That's a science we know about. Wait, I'm looking at my list to see if there was anything else I was curious about. But I think we can keep going. Oh, how about-- so, OK. My curious was, that was curious about belly dancing. And this goes into my psychic. So I'm curious about taking a belly dancing class, because it kind of scares me. And we were talking about dancing at the beginning. But basically, the summation is, I went to a psychic, same psychic. Same cat rubio. As Hannah, cat rubio, love turd, definitely recommend. I did the full special of like a pendulum, a crystal ball, tarot cards, and the set of Mexican tarot cards. And a spank, and a spank, loved. And basically, the main things that came up, I asked her if my hair would grow back. She told me that it would take around three years, and that the three years were also emblematic of a big health incline, that things are going to get much, much better for my health and progressive. And I'll just feel like much better in my body. And she was like, in along with that, will be hair growth. And then I was like, there's a treatment for alopecia called lip fulu. And I'm not sure if I want to do a treatment like that, because it can lead to infertility. It could cause cancer. There's like all these side effects. It doesn't say cause cancer, but it's an immunosuppressant. So it's just kind of part of it. So she was immediately, yes, I'm getting that you are going to do the treatment. She was like, I don't know if it's this specific treatment you have in your mind, but I see in the cards, you are going to get this treatment. And then recently, my mom sent me an article about how ozemic helps all these autoimmune diseases. And people are going to ozemic for crones or-- and then-- so I guess there was an anecdotal thing of someone going on ozemic with alopecia. And I'm like, is it going to be ozemic? I'm just like, what is my treatment going to be? But I liked the idea. I guess going outside of it, I'm like, maybe it's a treatment I don't know about yet. Yeah, totally. First is what I thought in my mind. The other main things were she was telling me that I'm probably going to have kids around 38. She also was like, I'm sensing relocation question mark. And I was like, yeah, I was thinking about maybe moving. And she was like, tell me the two locations you have in mind. And I was like, well, New York, or probably LA. And she was like, OK, let's do New York. She was like, immediately, no, not New York. And I was like, what? And she was like, let's do some tarot to find out why. And she was like, yeah, it just says to me, New York is just not going to bring you the opportunities that you want. And it's just not the right place for you. And you're not going to have the community that you want. And she was like, LA, I see that you go there in about a year, early spring. And if you go any earlier than then, I just see the image of dry. It's just dry with opportunity, dry with community, dry of emotion. You're just unhappy. And I was like, OK. And then anyway, at the end, I was like, is there anything to be doing to be helping in my progress? And she was like, the two things you need to do. She was like, communicate in a way that are different from your patterns, like having honest conversations where you're not afraid to hold back and belly dancing. [LAUGHTER] And she was like, you just-- your hips are reading to me as so tight and that there's all of this trauma in your hips. And I think-- Third energy healer. Third energy healer to say that I have trauma in my hips. Well, are you up to 4 now? What's it a guy? Maybe. Wait, Michael Frontier, Matt Rubio, the new guy, and then-- Oh, and then my energy bodywork lady Heather. So four different energy healers. Yes. Told me that my hips-- I think you have to take ability on seeing class. Well, the guy that I went to who was like a rakey masseuse, he didn't say hips, but he said that my root chakra, which is in my hips, is bringing up the image of sand, which means uncertainty, uncertainty, fear, intimidation. So does your root have to do with fertility, too? That's a good question. Because that could also be something of like the just-- That's your certainty of getting pregnant and the uncertainty of when to get pregnant or want to get-- Yeah, so that could be it. Like, you might be thinking of like as your uterus as being like this sand. It's like, I only have so much time left before I-- Like, totally. Have to have a kid or want to have a kid or-- I love that so much. I love that so much. Yeah. Could be something. I think you're totally right. Yeah, I do have so much uncertainty around it. Yeah. I just know that I'm just definitely not ready this year. Right. Not this year, not next year. Sorry. and mother and law and mother. What are you saying, sorry to you? - I'm not saying anything. - I thought you were saying and also you. - Sorry. - No, you don't apologize to me about that. - Anyway. (laughing) - Should we talk about ourselves? - Yeah, what's yours? - Okay, myself, kind of going into our deep email vibes today, a daily intention, when I was meeting with my body energy work lady Heather, she was doing this somatic breath work with me where it was kind of like I was in a hypnotic state. As you guys can tell, I'm doing a lot of like whatever I can to kind of get my body regulated and sort of give into the autoimmune disease of figuring myself out. So I was doing this somatic work where it's kind of like meditation but she leads you into hypnosis and then asks your body things that it needs or like you ask questions of your body and you kind of have a conversation with your own body and things come up that you like didn't even expect. And so she was like I want your body, like I want you to ask your body what it's been feeling lately and I said tiredness exhaustion, even though I am getting sleep and I'm doing all these things and she was like okay, let's talk about the ways that your body could feel less tired and then daily intentions or intention in general came up and then walking and not being on my phone or the other things. But it's not like I thought, I haven't been thinking to myself, I need to have a daily intention or anything like that. It was just interesting that that was the thing. But so I've been doing it like the last week and a half and I really like it 'cause it kind of gives you a little sort of purpose or umbrella to your day whether it's like today I just really want to listen and have the intention of like hearing people versus like speaking or today I really want to believe in myself and or it's just like today I really want to move. But it's been a really fun thing to incorporate. What was your intention today? - Well, I'm gonna be a factor in my mouth. (laughing) - Well, I didn't come up with an intention for the day. - My intention was to get through the day. I was like, I didn't do any of my harness way work today. - After the test, the night we had playing soccer. - I mean this is the miracle we made it through this check out. (laughing) - It's really the fact that we're here. That was the intention. But I wish I'd come up with one. - The week before my birthday, I know I brought you all on my dental journey. So I decided I'm not saying I'm afraid of doctors but we were a household that was like, you go to the doctor when you're at death's door. It was like my family wasn't like, you have the sniffles we're gonna go see with the doctor as I say, it was like, if the sniffles last this amount of days, you have the fever, blah, blah, blah. So I have not in the way of the dentistry of it all, I have not kept up to date with getting physicals. So I was like, you know what, I'm gonna keep this momentum going. I'm gonna take control of my health and I'm gonna make it so it's like the week before my birthday every year, I'm gonna do all of my things. So I had a dermatologist appointment, I got all my moles checked, everything looks good. None of my freaky moles are a threat to me. - Beautiful. - I went to the OBGYN, I got a pap smear, worse than I remember. - Yeah, pap smear is blow. - Blow, but my everything's good on that end. My vagina is perfect, always. - Perfect, always tight, no complaint. (laughing) - I broke the Q-tip from the pap smear. (laughing) - I just get it. That's what they use. - They put a little Q-tip in there. - You don't know that? - I didn't know that. - So, - Or get that pap smear. - I have a little while. - Well, every five years. - I think I'm on like year three. - So, from what I understand is going on, is you know, they're cranking open, they're getting, they're cranking open. - I hate the crank. - They're cranking you, then they're opening up, they're cranking your cervix, and then they're sticking a Q-tip into your cervix. - For a culture swab. - And that's the only thing for a culture swab. And that, like even thinking about it in my stomach, I felt like I was gonna throw up, slash pass out, and it was like, it all just happened so fast, and it was like pressure, and I was like, (laughing) and I was just like, oh my God, it was so horrible. But, that being said, now I don't have to do it for five years. Everything else looked amazing. Then I got, went and got a physical, and I got blood work done, and everything is like, I'm really healthy. - And as I follow up to last week's episode, your B-12 levels are high. - So, you guys were right about me having a lot of B-12. That's why if I take a B-12, I feel crazy, because I have a natural amount of, I have a lot of B-12. - Which is a great thing. - Most people are low on B-12. So, even though I'm a pretty healthy girl. - You really are. No, I always say this, you're the most regulated person I know. - Yeah, and it was nice to just be like, I don't know, 'cause I didn't realize my mom has Hashimoto's, which is an autoimmune thing, and she was like, make sure you get a feel for where your, 'cause thyroid disease runs in my mom's family. And so, she was like, look at the levels on your thyroid, but my thyroid was completely fine. - That's beautiful. - And so, it was nice to just be like, okay, you just hear these freak stories of like, you end up checking something, and there's a little high level, like you just never know, even if you're healthy. So, yeah, I, selling, just go into the doctor, the peace of mind is worth being, and all of the appointments were so short. In my mind, I was like, well, physical, that's gonna take at least an hour and a half. It was like 10 minutes. So, yeah, I feel good going into the year of being like, this is, I know about my health, and then I can do it all again in a year from now. - I love that. There's some things, there's such a good feeling of accomplishment after you do stuff like that. - Totally. - Like, I did it all for myself. - I did it all for myself. - I'm an adult. My doctor, it's the same thing. Like, I go in there, I tell her all my shit, and then she's like, great, and then she looks at my ears, and she's like, more well-buted, and then like, sure, and then, and that's the end. - And that's it, and that's it. - I like having period cramps, like as you were talking, my cramps have just amplified. - Your root chakra. - Your root chakra. - Well, this was so great. - This was so great. - Is this like crazy, 'cause like, she'll be on the room, so I'm like, oh, can we wrap it up? Are we allowed to wrap up? (laughing) Okay, here's what I'm gonna say. We're having so much fun with a pond, and we've got episodes coming. We were in the works of just like, we have a lot of guests that were excited to ask and get on. If you guys have anyone that you're like, this person would be so great for the podcast. - Yes, we wanna hear from you. - Yes, just a call to open up all communication channels. We love when you guys write in like, the comment section of the Spotify thing. Love when you like comment on our Instagram, send us DMs on Instagram. We read all that stuff, and even if we're not always great at replying, just know we read that. And anytime anyone is resonating with something we say, and there's a comment about it, it's such a special feeling. It really does. It makes us feel like we're not just screaming into the void, and that there's actually people listening to us. - It would be so great also to hear from our listeners, because as we're kind of resetting, figuring out what we wanna add more of, if there are things you really really like that we discuss, or like updates that you want from us, that maybe we talked about, like for example, me being on Well butridans Olaf, and how that's going, or something along those lines, let us know, and we'll incorporate that. Or if there's anything that you wanna ask us, that you want us to cover on the pod, please be our guest, if there's like a C, that you really want us to talk about, that would be lovely. - And if you have any criticism, fuck you. - Yeah, criticism isn't part of the three Cs. (laughing) Okay, well I'm so glad I can't wait to see what 34 brings me. I'm so glad to be bringing in, bringing in a new year on the pod. - It truly I think 34 is gonna be so good. - Well, apparently for the stars, the next eight years are gonna be pretty awesome. - Peaceful. - Thank you. - Love that. - Yeah. - Okay. - And what I say, you're already glowing as a 34 year old. - Thanks babe. - I did a fake tan. - Oh, it looks good. (laughing) I think it's from me inside. - Yes. - Well, until next time. - Until next time. - Bye. - Bye. ♪ I can't wait to tell you ♪ (upbeat music) (beep) - Kale. - The way they do. Do they do, not do they do. (laughing) - We're warm.