The Bridge Troll of Phillips Street

[MUSIC PLAYING] Hey, I'm Tara Saravan, and you're listening to World Dumbest Criminals. If you're keen to hear about the most ridiculous, bizarre, and downright stupid criminals and crime stories in the world ever, you've come to the right place. In today's episode, you'll be hearing about a Queensland woman who exacted petty revenge on anyone who dared to legally park in front of her house. A New York man who planned to kill and skin a bear and wear its belt to attack the mother of his child. And more. Alrighty. Let's get cracking. If you ever find yourself into Womber and Southern Queensland, maybe don't park in Philip Street. It's perfectly legal to park there. One side of the road even offers free parking for up to three hours, but it comes with a catch. 55-year-old Lisa Wise lives there. She's the human equivalent of a mythical bridge troll. But instead of asking you to answer a riddle before you may pass, she insists that you don't park outside her house. If you do, she will use her tremendous reserves of spite to wreak a stinky revenge on you and your vehicle. Lisa has put a handwritten sign on her gate asking people not to park there, but it's not like it's legally binding. Still, Lisa has a bad case of the judge's dreads and seems to think that she is the law. A young mum named Natalie Myers recently found this out the hard way. Natalie was on maternity leave for six months and had just returned to her job. She wasn't aware of the bridge troll of Philip Street and happened to park her car there as it was close to her workplace. When she returned to her car, she noticed Lisa leaning against it and pouring a bucket full of something all over the roof. Natalie whipped out her phone and started recording video of the surprising incident. She later uploaded the altercation she had with Lisa to TikTok and also did a follow-up video where she explained what had happened since. Let's have a listen. Hey, I just recorded you still calling boiling water over my paint job. That wasn't boiling water. Hot water, but still steaming. Why did you park in front of my house? And there's a sign saying, please don't. Colin Jolly and the street is empty. Why would you park here? The street is not empty. I'm just sitting here for over three hours because I've taken a photo of what time you got here and what time I've done this. Okay, I'm already going to court because there's probably a friend of yours that was actually last time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How did you happen to be there with your camera? I'm sorry. I was just walking down the street. I just walked out when I was doing that. Okay, I'm going to call the police. Go right ahead, please. That's actually not right. Yeah, anyway, I just sort of like give you guys all an update as well. I did actually call triples here at the time because she'd threatened me and tell me that to wait and see what she did to my car if I ever chose to come back or the next time I came back and parked there. And I did feel a little bit concerned about what she actually might do next. So I called triple zero and they told me to move my car further down the road and that they'd send police out. So she's definitely being charged and does have to go to court over it. However, she's also damaged to other cars prior to this. I've found out since. I've just come back from a tentative leave. I've been away for six months. So there's been a whole thing here and I wasn't aware of it. And I didn't see her sign until I walked back afterwards. So I just kind of got out parked for work, got out and went down to work and when I came back later, that's what I had to deal with. So it's crazy what you can get away with in Tawalma. As you just heard, Lisa feels entirely justified in mixing hot water with dog poo to make shit soup and pouring it all over Natalie's car. I think it's a good rule of thumb in life to avoid people who stockpile their dogs poo to use as a weapon. Natalie called triple zero, which is emergency services here in Australia and reported the incident to the police. In early February this year, Lisa fronted court and pleaded guilty to two counts of willful damage. The court heard that the hot shit soup she poured on Natalie's car put a dent in it, cracked the windscreen and damaged the electronics which cost $2,500 to fix. This wasn't Lisa's first willful damage rodeo. She was also hauled before a judge in June last year after scratching a four-letter swear word on another car legally parked in her street. I bet it was a sea bomb. You're not gonna bother scratching shit or fuck into the paint job of a car. She's targeted several other drivers who dared to park in her street too. She's flattened their tires or parked her cars right up against theirs blocking them in so that they can't leave. Which is a strange thing to do if you don't want them parking there in the first place. She even gaffer taped the driver's side door handle on a guy's car and taped a sign to his window that said, "Can't read or think you're special." Lisa put on a super remorseful, regretful act in the courtroom, but afterwards she told a reporter that she was the real victim here. Lisa was ordered to pay $1,050 in compensation to the two women and undertake nine months of probation. She's on a disability pension, which may be why the judge didn't insist that she pay for all the damage that she caused. Magistrate Claire Kelly told Lisa that there was no justification for taking matters into your own hands. Speaking to the Channel 9 reporter outside court, Lisa claimed that the two women whose cars she'd rained down a stinky vengeance upon were somehow bullying her. She said, "It was not about parking at all. It was about being bullied in my own home by too spiteful women." When the reporter asked Lisa if she planned on continuing to damage the cars parked outside her house, she called him a smart ass. She also said that only moronic people who can't think for themselves would care whether or not she was going to damage the cars. Lisa also had an interesting interpretation of what had happened with Natalie. She said, "What she did to me was just to buy herself a lot of attention. It was my actions that caused the viral video, but she had set it up. I don't accept that she's the victim." Oh, okay. So Natalie had set it up that you were going to get so rationally mad about her legally parking in your street that you'd go pull some dog poo out of your stockpile and whip up a batch of vengeance soup? How does one set such a thing up? I guess it's pretty common for new mothers who are just returning to work to have so much spare time on their hands that they go around forcing random strangers into ludicrous acts of revenge. It's probably because they're so bored of relaxing and getting too much sleep. - It's gonna start the vehicle at Jefferson Central in the area and in the area to give it our new and holiday frequency, 13-E night, 43 is following, code 37, three-year-old, three-joyed, 9-3, and three-zero-8. 13-E-L-3 is by any unit. - 57-year-old Clyde Gardner owned a junkyard, which is lucky since he definitely belonged in one. He'd been a violent and abusive shitheele to his partner for five years before she was able to end things with him for good in 2011. She eventually kicked him out of the house they lived in with their young son in Malone, New York, near the Canadian border. Violent abusive shitheeles don't take kindly to their victims cutting them out of their lives like the cancers that they are and Clyde here was no exception. He put his pea brain to work trying to come up with a plan to continue to victimize his ex. And what an idea he came up with. He decided that his best course of action was to find a bear, kill it, skin it, and wear its belt while hiding in the bushes surrounding his ex's house. Then when she came outside to put the rubbish in the bin, he'd spring into action and use the bear claws to mull her to death. He also planned on wearing the bear's paws on his feet so no human footprints would be left behind. If the bear had got the better of him when he was trying to kill it, this guy would be a shoe-in for a Darwin award. The only tears that would have been shared would be those of laughter. If this is the best idea he had, I shudder to think of the ideas he dismissed as being too ridiculous. Crash a hot air balloon full of nuclear weapons into her house. Louer her under a cliff and drop an anvil on her head. Maybe replace the underwire in her bra with death-adders. Abusive fuckhead Clyde had been stalking his ex since she kicked him out. He leapt in the woods near her house, watching her through a pair of binoculars to learn her daily routine. It would have been so devilishly ironic if a bear had snuck up on him and attacked him while he was doing that. Grrrr! As a species, we bears refuse to condone or tolerate domestic violence, and we resent you trying to use us to further this hideous plug of abuse. Brrrrrrrrrrr. For some unfathomable reason, or possibly because a bear said that to him, Clyde gave up on this grizzly murder plot. His backup plan was to hire a dodgy friend of his to kill his ex in a deliberate car crash. He gave them a picture of her, details about her car, including the registration number, and $500 towards a $15,000 payday for carrying out the dastardly deed. Clyde used to be a demolition driver and thought he had some pro tips to give his mate about how to make it look like an accident. He said if the crash didn't kill the mother of his child, he should take a piece of broken glass and slit her throat with it. But fortunately, his friend didn't end up being nearly as dodgy as Clyde believed him to be. Instead of murdering an innocent woman for epically butt hurt Clyde, the dude went to the cops and told them about his diabolical plan. They had him wear a wire and record Clyde talking about the deadly plot on tape. This resulted in his abusive ass being arrested. He was initially offered a plea to a reduced felony count of conspiracy with a sentence of no more than two and a half to seven and a half years. But being the genius that he is, Clyde rejected that offer. He later took another plea deal that was exactly twice as harsh as the one he initially refused. Lol. At his sentencing hearing, Clyde tried to minimise his actions by claiming that he was drunk when he offered his mate 15 grand to kill his ex. He said he was going to call off the hit once he sobered up and realised the gravity of the situation. But I call bullshit on that. It's not like his friend recorded him the first time he was told the plan. He had to contact the authorities and have them organise a sting operation which would have taken days. Had this abusive dickweed been drunk the entire time? Was he ever planning on sobering up? Clyde was sentenced to five to fifteen years in prison and given a twenty year order of protection preventing him from contacting his ex until 2031, which is still too soon if you ask me. He was freed from prison in August 2019 after serving almost eight years and well he's probably on several dating apps under a false name now. Like so many other guys with an abusive history. I think we can all agree that it's hard to get everything done in a day that we need to get done without wanting to chew up and swallow your to-do list in the hopes of making all the tasks disappear. Thankfully I recently discovered an elixir called Magic Mind that helps give me the sustained energy and focus I need to get everything done. Now I was initially a bit skeptical about this because well I'm skeptical about pretty much everything but I've been taking it for several days now and have definitely noticed an improvement in my energy levels and focus. And the fact it's not heavy on the caffeine means I can take it to give myself an extra boost in the afternoon without it keeping me tossing and turning all night. That's thanks to one of its ingredients called Matcha which contains whales caffeine than coffee and has additional compounds called catechins that extend the benefits of caffeine as well as a compound called L.F.E.N.I. that reduces stress. These compounds work together to prevent the spike in cortisol levels and the inevitable crash that comes from ingesting too much caffeine. The Magic Mind team created a great offer for me to share with my listeners. You get up to 56% off your first subscription in the next 10 days and 20% off your one-time purchase with the discount code criminals D20. You can claim the offer at www.magicmint.co/dumv e-s-t-c-r-i-m-i-n-a-l-s and redeem it with the discount code C-r-i-m-i-n-a-l-s-d20. But hurry up as the 56% discount only lasts 10 days from the episode release date. To finish up I have a few punchline crimes for you. These are short cases that sound more like jokes than something that actually happened. In 2015 a French man was fired from his job for being too boring. The man's name has not been reported in the media. Instead he's being referred to as Mr. T. But he's not the real Mr. T from the 18 because that dude is obviously very fun, though I doubt he's big on team building exercises. Mr. T. have been working for a Paris-based management consultancy company called Cubic Partners as a director, but was fired after refusing to take part in Afterwork Drinks and team building activities. It's me. I'm Mr. T. Afterwork Drinks are okay on occasion but team building activities can be the worst. Let's all sit around in a circle and tell everybody a little bit about yourself. For the next activity you'll be breaking off into groups of three to do a trust exercise. One of you will be blindfolded and the others have to lead you around the kitchen just by making wail noises. Oh, hell to the nah, to the nah, nah, nah, nah. Get the fuck out of here. According to Seven News, the company said it tried to keep the operational, excellent training it offered, interesting through its fun and pro approach and regularly hosted events aimed at achieving this goal. Mr. T was technically fired for professional incompetence. By that they meant that he didn't share the fun and pro values of the company as he refused to take part in their fun and pro company events. They also said he was rigid, a poor listener, and sometimes brittle at work. Mr. T believed his firing was unfair and took the matter to court. According to court documents, he stated that the company's fun values included regular mandatory social events that involved excessive alcoholism and humiliating practices pushed by associates involving promiscuity and bullying, such as crude nicknames, mocking sexual acts, and sharing a bed with another employee. So fun, so pro. During a previous trial, Mr. T argued that he was exercising his freedom of expression by not taking part in activities that he found cringe-worthy and that doing so could not be a reason for his dismissal. He also asked you to pay him $700,000 in compensation. Oh, get that money, bitch. He didn't win that round, so he took the matter back to court again. They decided in his favour with the judge concluding that he'd been wrongfully terminated. The judge said, Mr. T could not be blamed for his failure to integrate the values of the company, which saw the necessary participation in seminars and weekend parties frequently generating excessive alcoholism, encouraged by company associates who made very large quantities of alcohol available. They ordered cubic to pay Mr. T $4,600 in costs. The court of castation referred the matter to the parish court of appeal, so we'll find out what happens with that later. See, that's the great thing about working alone. I mean, I always have to share a bed with myself because I am me, but I don't have to deal with team building activities, sexual discrimination or sexual harassment. If I go out for afterwork drinks with me and end up propositioning myself, well, I've already read the room and know that I'm up for it. In Hong Kong, numerous scammers try to make some easy money with the ruse they refer to as "crash for cash." It's where pedestrians literally throw themselves in front of vehicles and claim to be injured. Then they shake down the driver to pay them off, threatening to call the police if they don't, just like those curly doofus twins at the beginning of "bedo calls" saw. Dash cam footage taken it around two 2am on New Year's Day this year captured one of these scammers at work, but he really overplayed his hand. The video shows the man appear seemingly out of nowhere and run in front of the moving vehicle. Even though the driver had quick reflexes and managed to stop before the car made contact with the scammer, the guy jumps toward the hood with his arms crossed in an attempt to feign being hit by it. Then he staggers down the road for a few steps before theatrically collapsing on the ground. As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, he starts to roll down the road, and he doesn't stop rolling for a ludicrously long time. He didn't even take a break from rolling when paramedics rocked up on the scene. Seriously, people who have studied the video agree that he rolled a total of 77 times. Paramedics examined the man and found that he had no injuries, but he'd created such a scene that they took him to hospital for further tests. Hospital staff noted that he smelled of alcohol and said that he refused their offers of assistance and left. The next day, the Moncock Police arrested the 27-year-old scammer and charged him with violating the road traffic ordinance for negligently endangering his own safety, or that of another person. In January this year, two vloggers from the Philippines were creating some mind-bogglingly hilarious content when they got themselves in a spot of bother. The pair named John L. and Arnold went to a petrol station and bought a small amount of petrol which they poured into a plastic water bottle. Then, and I know this will be a bit hard to believe, John L. pretended to drink from the petrol filled bottle while Arnold filmed him. Like, oh my god, who would do such a crazy thing? It's out of this world. But plot twist. They'd swapped out the petrol filled water bottle for one that had energy drink in it instead. Nobody saw that coming. But then, John L. pretended to get sick and vomit before fainting. Such highbrow entertainment. Says the girl with a dumb criminal's podcast. Other customers at the petrol station witnessed this and grew concerned about his well-being. A member of staff even called emergency services and paramedics rushed to the scene. As they began to administer first aid on John L, he burst out laughing and exclaimed, "It's a prank!" "Haha, all!" Then everyone, including the customers and the paramedics laughed and laughed and laughed and told John L that he was the funniest guy ever and deserved to win an Academy Award. Well, everyone except the guy who died of a heart attack because the paramedics were too busy with this dumb ass f*ck stick. "Haha, no, that's not actually true." Nobody but the vloggers laughed. But their laughter was to be short-lived. The pair were arrested on alarm and scandal charges, which carries a penalty of 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine. "Haha, who's laughing now, dickheads?" This brings me to the end of the episode. Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe if you want to stay up to date with our future episodes. And if you dug what you heard, please leave a review. If you'd like to support this independent podcast, head on over to patreon.com/worldsdummerscriminals. All levels have access to monthly bonus episodes and add free episodes and higher levels also receive a unicorn. I released a Patreon episode last week. It was about an Aussie guy who columbly faked his own kidnapping in order to spend new years eve with his lover instead of his girlfriend. The drugs kingpin, a rogue juror, his mum and a one-legged mechanic who tried their hand attempting to fix a trial. It was like the plot of a guy-richy movie, seriously. If you're up for more dumb criminals action in your life, you can follow me on twitter at WED CriminalsPod and Instagram @worldsdummerscriminalspodcast. Or you could join our World's Dumbest Criminals Podcast Facebook group. A big happy birthday and thank you to the lovely Lorraine Leadwell who runs the group with me. Till next time, look after yourself, stay out of trouble and whatever you do, don't commit a crime that makes you end up on this podcast. [MUSIC]