The Body Politic Part I

conan o'brien needs a fan want to talk to conan visit teamcoco.com slash call conan okay let's get started hi grace welcome to conan o'brien needs a fan hello there nice to be here how are you grace i'm very good how are you well uh lovely to meet you um and you look fantastic you really do and uh i want to there's so much to talk about here because it says on my little piece of paper here that you are in bristol england is that correct that is correct i was in london about a week and a half ago so sorry i missed you i'm sorry you missed me too she doesn't sound sorry at all yeah you seem you seem quite pleased that uh you dodged the serial international creek uh now i don't know much other than it says here that you are a body modification assistant i know nothing about this topic talk to me about i see that you have tattoos but what does body modification include so i'm actually a tattoo artist but when i was coming up in the industry i was a body piercer who then met a body modification artist and became their assistant and body modification in the realm that i'm talking about would be like um things like tongue splits um scarification subdermal implants uh the removal of certain things um yeah kind of just coming up in like the alternative scene in plymouth where i grew up yes um being into punk music and stuff like that i was always seeing these like heavily tattooed and pierced uh like singers in bands and stuff like that and it very much inspired me and it got me kind of like wanting to learn more about it and i was always fascinated by it and i was always wanting to get certain things done like i was dying to get my tongue split when since i was like probably 14 15 oh talk to me about that let's start with tongue splitting because i don't know anything about that i know that people can get a piercing on their tongue but i didn't know about a tongue splitting what's that uh is this can i show you yeah yeah oh my god oh my god that is you have a forked tongue yes i can't believe a thing you're saying uh what so that's for appearance right that doesn't it doesn't well actually it would give your tongue more surface area i think yeah so like your tongue is two separate muscles so that's why this it works so well you can move them independently um but yeah it makes it's a great like i can pick food out of both sides of my mouth at the same time oh my god and you could stick your tongue out at two separate people across the room yeah definitely good point yes that's not cool yes it is yeah it feels like it's not cool that's actually really cool you know what many times i've wanted to stick my tongue out but i have to choose which person to do it and they're usually like oh my god usually on either side of a room yes some distance from me then this is the procedure for you that's exactly why i got it done does it uh there must be some ways in which it's inconvenient like maybe not if they're licking ice cream how's it uh is it does it do you must taste more ice cream no because there's not taste buds in the inside of your tongue right you're not getting new taste buds are you well probably no i taste exactly like my taste nothing was different apart from the fact that these two things in my mouth now move independently but honestly it felt very freeing to get my tongue split like as soon as it was done and i started moving it i was like oh my god it feels like my tongue has been in a vice this whole time did it change your speech at all so i did have a slight lisp when i first got it done and i had to kind of train myself to not have one but it wasn't like severe or anything like that it's kind of all dependent on the person um but yeah it's it's uh it's it was something i'd always wanted done from a young age and then i got a piercing apprenticeship in london and the woman who was my mentor she was like this radical you know heavily modified polish woman who was terrifying and she basically was able to facilitate that for me because she was like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know she she was like the gatekeeper to body modification for me and she opened the door and introduced me to people who could facilitate all these sorts of things you know so there's so many things you said you've done something to your belly button what did you have done to your belly button i removed it how do you remove a belly button do that i didn't know you could do that so what are the is it just smooth there now there's no sign of anything ever having been there yes exactly like a barbie doll oh what did you do with it yeah what happened i actually said so so i'm 37 now and i got it done when i was like 19 20 so um what i did was i took it dried it and set it in resin in a heart shape and i gave it to the boy that i fancied at the time oh my god you know that's a mafia death threat that's right up with a fish in your mailbox oh my god did you get it back if when you guys broke up uh no i never got it back oh my god your belly button you know it's so great he you guys break up and where he breaks up with you and you go to his door and you're crying you want i want my belly button back yeah i had a girlfriend once demand the sweater she knit me back because we broke up yeah and so this is the same thing basically body part yeah you also had your eyes tattooed purple are you talking about the iris of your eyes yeah so i don't know oh my god how do you do wait i don't understand how that works your eyes are purple why have you not been grabbed by the government for being an alien well i'm moving i'm actually moving to america at the end of the year and it is one of my my fears trust me it's not going to be your top fear grace plenty of other shit going on here right now uh can't wait you'll soon forget all your modifications so you've got that's so her eyeballs are tattooed purple does that hurt when they do it so it wasn't necessarily painful like the procedure because it's done by injection and like so imagine that the white part of your eye is covered in saran wrap that's what you guys call it right yeah yeah like that oh you're all ready for america don't worry about it i am i'm ready to go just learn captain crunch and you're sad so yeah they put imagine like your eye the white of your eye has this kind of clear layer over it and there is like a a pocket in between that where the the ink sits the sclera so if somebody um yeah exactly the sclera there you go um they basically inject around the eye i've had 12 injections in each eye oh my goodness and it kind of spreads out like the little bubble of ink kind of forms on top of the eye and it's like a little bubble of ink and it's like a little bubble of ink and then within like an hour it starts to disperse and like spread out so this in no way affects your vision i have never had any issues with my vision but i'm not going to sit here and say that no there's no risk one there's massive risk and people have gone blind people have lost their eyes um i was the assistant of the body modification artist who invented the procedure so i was um you know assisting a lot of eyeball tattoos and i i loved the way that it looked but i obviously was a little bit cautious about how risky it was um but you know being young and dumb and after a while i was like fuck it let's go yeah can i scare yes yes we can always have it removed okay and give it to a former lover exactly the fuck it is uh now being given to my girlfriend um uh okay so these are the you do piercings you pierce ears you also pierce nipples and you pierce women's genitalia but not men's genitalia is that correct i feel like this is a trial by the way i know yeah the way you're asking it you're doctor he's not very square dr lector um is it not true uh object argumentative so you peer you pierce women's uh say it say it say it sacred spaces no oh god yes i pierce clitorises and labia there's no evidence there's a clitoris none i'm a clitoris denier i'm on record um you don't think that they exist i'm just i've never seen any evidence listen grace you don't want to go down this road with me it's not pleasant uh no so um but you don't do women you don't do penises is that right so yeah i i started off as a piercing when i was a teenager and i learned to do everything my my mentor taught me how to pierce everything and i did that for for years i worked in soho in london and i'm sure you've been to soho it's a fun place i do i love soho yes it's a great place but because of it being in central london and being so next to so like i worked on wardle street which is really close to where all like the fetish shops and the sex shops are sure which don't get me wrong love all of that but because of that we get like a an influx of older gentlemen who would like to get their genitals pierced interesting yes i was happy to oblige but then i noticed a pattern where there was just like you know they would get a piercing and then it would fall out two weeks later and they'd come in and be like can you put it back in for me and then it got to the point where it's like oopsie doopsie it fell out again for the piercing yeah oopsie yeah i was like i'm done with that yeah i would pierce a female genitalia all day every day all day long love that um because that just feels like a bonding sister moment you know sure yeah i mean i'm saying sure i just don't know yeah i'm gonna be honest with you i i have to be honest with you i don't know oh yeah yeah yeah bonding uh how does much does all of this cost is it expensive i imagine because i don't when i get my eyes dyed i don't want to go the cheap route i want to get the best person is all of this expensive so um body modification is definitely more expensive than like piercing and um because it's more high risk but when i got all my modifications done like over 15 years ago so it's probably a bit different now like i paid 250 pounds to get my tongue split and i think that's probably pretty cheap compared to what the going rate is today yeah but yeah i think i think the eyes are at least a couple of grand i'm not sure yeah i didn't pay for mine i wouldn't do that i'll do it for 20 i'll do it 20 you're gonna do it for 20 okay well that's no one's gonna go to you but i'll split your whole face for free what about a penis he's splitting a penis is uh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa let's back it up you split you can split a penis he's flacking up because he's interested yeah yes you can split a penis but i don't understand i in no way understand you okay let's go through the levels there are levels to this shit right okay so level one would be imagine that the head of the penis is a birthday cake right yeah and obviously you have the urethra which is the center of the cake yes and then you have that seam that goes down the back of the head of the penis yes yes right so imagine you are cutting the first slice of cake not not the one two just the first cut yeah you cut down that seam and expose the urethra right so this is the penis okay okay and you expose the urethra okay then level two would be either exposing the whole head or continuing to cut the urethra continuing to expose the bottom of the urethra going down what's the purpose do you end up with two penises well some people who go very extreme with it do they'll end up with this oh but sorry just this naive but everything then still functions yeah how do you pee if the urethra is just dangling in the wind and can you have sex with two women across the we were going to get to that we're getting to that man your anatomy if you know the big of the anatomy i'm guessing the more that we can do with it the more opportunity there is for that sort of thing you can get fancier with a bigger cake you can do more exactly let's talk when there's levels let's talk about the smaller cake a cupcake maybe not even a cupcake one of those mini cupcakes you know talk about the mini Reese's piece oh my god you can't even get one candle on it um well anyway i've never i've never had coitus with someone with a split penis but from my understanding of talking to people you can once the penis is erect put it together and insert it no you gotta probably stay with one side because it has to it has to yeah it has to the urethra well if it's a good body modification artist they will split the urethra no double urethras you get two streams when you pee well yeah well no you get you get no streams you basically pee like a girl you'd have to sit down okay for christ's sake it's a gusher because it would just go everywhere you've got like you're you're you're cutting the hose in half do you know what i mean so there's no direction why can't you not go right down the middle so that you still have a urethra and you pee off out of one and the other one's just for fun you know because like hey you go and you urinate and i'm gonna get to work over here the penises are talking to each other yeah okay yeah that's cool hey buddy i'm going over i'm gonna use the urinal why don't you go check her out all right but you know you guys sit down to pee for a treat sometimes right so it's like you're just treating yourself all the time no i've i don't sit down as a treat i don't know that i mean that's a sad life if that's my big treat i give myself i think i'll sit down to pee i haven't been happy for eight years um no i i've never done that as a treat no i don't think men sit down to pee yeah not typically not men i know what's maybe not in the u.s but in the uk that's how they treat the national pastime yeah god save the queen plays every time you sit oh that's a tough week i'm gonna take a treat uh sit down so cool you okay you have suggestions it says here for conan and sona as to what we should have done what would you have done for conan and sona what would you have done for conan have me uh have me do what should i what if i came in grace and i said to grace um what's your suggestion what would you say well because of the way you look i feel like you have a bit of a ken vibe like kendall vibe you know a bit of a ken and barbie vibe and ken doesn't have any nipples so i would say like why don't you just elevate your kenness and remove your nipples okay so can you remove nipples yeah absolutely especially it's not really something that's done on women because you have a higher chance of um getting mastitis but with men it's very easy so okay step one both nipples go and i gift them to matt and sona um yeah once they're of course appropriately dried in a kiln vintage okay what else let's go to town i will have my belly button removed as well because if you're going to go ken you might as well go all the way and what do i what do i do with my don johnson down south what would you have me what would you have me do with that well in my experience the more conservative looking the man is from the outside the more extreme yes i'm a i got kinks i've got major kinks exactly so i think we go like full whole hog cock and ball torture full penis split and then a transcrotal with uh what's a transcrotal mill steel ring okay well that's gonna hold me up at the tsa what uh what is what is a transcrotal and that's the only downside i can see right sir did you remove your keys i did but i have two penises and i have a bicycle lock jammed through my scrotum yes could that be the problem sir or instead of having a transcrotal so we can get rid of the metal we could all always insert an extra set of into your scrotum you know what extra set that's being generous i'd settle for a couple of babies i'd take anything right now jesus christ uh god uh so so so just so i'm clear that would be a split penis so i have two of those and then this the mechanism the apparatus goes through uh both testicles is that correct so no what happens is your scrotum is like this right don't assume have you ever seen florida okay so so go ahead so i'm sorry i'm really trying to understand so the what happens to the the the scrotum yes i understand and what it might be pushing your little eggs to the side yep one each side right and then they clamp the skin and they basically drive a scalpel blade through the testicles and then you know like the the plugs that people have in their ears when they stretch the holes in their ears it's essentially that so you can have like a big stretched hole going through your scrotum but imagine like a big metal ring going like through it i've imagined it yeah i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna tell you something this whole time that you're describing that i am gripping my hands together i just noticed it so tightly that there's no blood in my i'm literally this this is what i'm doing i'm gripping my hands together because when you say you shove the testicles to either side and then did you have the same reaction man Do you drive a, you basically take out a Black & Decker drill and you go at the, is it the taint? Are we talking about the taint? No, it's not. It's the scrotum. I don't even have testicles and I was squirmy when she was, when Grace was describing what happened. I don't think I could, I don't see the purpose of a split penis. I just don't. Well, you're boring. And I feel like, I feel like I'm also boring. Like, I didn't know we could do this to our bodies and I think it's really cool that we can. No, no, a lot of this sounds really fascinating to me. I have no problem with it. I'm talking about me personally. So if in your single days you got it on with a guy you met at the clubs, because you, you know, you had a, you played it fast and loose and, um, no, no, in a very good, healthy, empowering way, but it's time, it's time to get to town. Uh, the guy drops his pants and, um, suddenly his penis goes, you know, one goes East, one goes West. Uh, would you, would you freak out? And each one is going, pick me, pick me. Yeah. Can we rubber band it and then just insert it together? Or do they, when they get direct, I think, I think Grace was saying it just naturally comes together when it gets erect. You know, I would not, I would want a series of clamps. I would insist on a series of clamps, uh, rubber bands, um, and the occasional use of Elmer's glue. I would, I would maybe a gasket. Yeah. But interestingly, before you answer that, let's make this a two-parter. So come back next time and we can talk more about this. With Grace. Grace, Grace, you are the gift that keeps on giving. Do you mind staying on a little longer, Grace? Can you stay on a little longer, Grace? Is that all right? Of course. Yeah, absolutely. I'll be here as long as you need me. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.