The billy goat tongue

Kick this motherfucking mule, Lee. What's happening, you savages? Uncle Joey and his trusted little fucking Jewish Kato here for another episode of The Church of What's Happening Now, new edition, November 25th. 16 years of marriage today. Congratulations. That's right. Who cares? You know what I'm saying? Who cares? And you're here. 16 years of fucking marriage today. But what are you going to do? We're here for another fun-filled episode. We're sorry about last week. Things happened. One of the bulbs went out, and just one bulb went out, and we couldn't do the podcast. But we're here today. That's it. It's the last week of November. You've got maybe three and a half more Mondays to Christmas, and here we are, Lee Syatt. Fucking here we are. Wrapping up the last fucking part of the year, my favorite part of the fucking year. Oh, it's the – really? You used to hate it. I love it because I'm taking off after next fucking Friday the 5th. After Virginia? I'm done for the year. Oh, yeah? I already called Shroomy yesterday. He's delivering mushrooms tomorrow night at 6.30. For the month, he's delivering an ounce of the long-neck ones and the little baby stubs that look like a little Joey Diaz dick. They're like two inches with a big helmet on top. Is that the name of the strain? I don't know, and it's a fucking – it's the holiday season, Jack. I'm an old man. I've already done everything during the holidays. I ain't shopping. I ain't doing nothing. Not even Amazon? I'm working out. I'm fucking smoking dope, and I'm just waking up and going to bed. That's it. Zero fucks. I have nothing to do until January 31st in Staten Island. So what do you think? So you're taking basically two months off? A month and a half. I mean, you know me. I'll be getting on stage once a week. Oh, yeah. But this is you semi-retired. No, nothing. I don't have to see a plane until March. Oh, yeah? February. Fuck, yeah. Oh, I thought you were going somewhere else. No, you're not. You're staying home the whole time? I don't fucking know. It all depends. That's odd. Dude, you were just talking before the podcast about how excited you are to be home now. Like, you just hate leaving the house. You don't even want to go eat anymore. You told me. I gave up. I gave up. Listen. Nothing is happening nowhere. I would love to tell you that. You know, I would love to hear. It took me five years to come to this realization. Five years. I called my nephew on Friday. I said, he's not at Studio 54. He's going to a friend's house to eat a steak or to watch a fucking New England game. Talk to George. He's my age. Ask him what he's fucking doing. He ain't doing nothing. I called my friends on the weekend. What are they doing? Nothing. And I have friends that will tell me. I'm just sitting here watching TV. It's two in the afternoon. On the weekend? On the weekends. And I'm like, I refuse to get in front of a TV at two in the fucking afternoon. So I had to figure. I said, you know what? There's nothing going on. There's no reason to get in the car and drive around. You're not going to find anybody. Whether I come up here or stay by my house. Those days are done. Nobody hangs in the daytime. Everybody works. I don't know. I don't know what happened. New Jersey used to be a state where nobody worked. Fucking nobody worked. Every bar was packed from eight in the morning to five in the afternoon. Everybody was on unemployment. Everybody was collecting. You know? Now you can't find the motherfucker unless you drive down Bergerline Avenue. And you might see somebody from fucking, you know, when you played CYO ball or some shit. I never thought you'd be upset about that. About people working. You're like, people are doing too much. They're working. It's just, you know, what happened? Nobody. Listen. I'm not talking about in L.A. or another place. I'm talking about this neighborhood. Right. Used to be a daytime neighborhood. You never wanted a job. You refused a fucking job. Because you might miss something in the daytime. And you might miss something at night. What are you going to miss? Who knows? Somebody's giving blowjobs. I don't know. But I'm just telling you. I did like working nights. Like when we first met and I was working nights. It's a fun. Because you do have the whole day free. But like, you're an introvert too. Like you don't mind being by yourself. So you won't go do something by yourself? What can I go do by myself? Go see a movie. I went to the mall and I peed on the second floor. You know. There ain't no fucking movies. Yeah, there really aren't. There ain't no movies that you can go, this afternoon, get excited, have a Chinese lunch. Those days, that shit's done. What am I going to see, Wicked by myself? At two in the afternoon and sing along? That would be a problem. Yeah, if a guy like you walks into Wicked. Half of those movies that come out are rough. It's a rough watch. The Running Man, they're just rough. So I remember when I went out for years, I would get mad at my friends that had parents, that had like a house, that had a basement. And they'd be like, and I'd go, bro, where the fuck are you going? If I had what you had, I wouldn't leave the house. And this is way before Uber or Uber Eats or fucking dirty people delivering food to your house with dirty fingernails and shit and you eating it. Yeah, that's Uber Eats. You know, I ordered some Carvel. It got here, it was melted. Well, what'd you expect? You know, there's so many. There's so many stupid fucking people out there. But at the same time, even with all that, I don't even dig into all that. The only thing I dig into when I'm home alone, the only excitement is like reading a book. I'll fucking go online and I'll read about the dumbest shit in the fucking world. Just to read. Like what, like a blog or something? I'll read like benefits of most peptides, benefits of doing this exercise, compared to this at 60. I read stupid shit. Fuck. But at least I read. Yeah. You're not in front of a television getting, you know, you know, whatever fucking Chef Wami is cooking something. I don't give a fuck. You know, so half that shit don't pertain to me. I'm not a sports center type of guy. I've tried watching some of those sports shows. They're god awful. They really, they're. Fucking god awful. I loved those growing up. I loved, and I have nothing against women's sports, and I totally get it, but when half of sports center is WNBA, I'll just go online now and watch the highlights I want to watch. Well, you know what? The WNBA don't bother me. It's just another, you know, every, it's like when you kill me with fucking tennis. When you got, like, the other day I went to a restaurant and right away I was going to strangle myself. They had soccer right on in front of me. Like 18 million fucking sports in November, and you got soccer in front of me. Come on, man. Find the basketball game. Somebody's fucking playing something. You don't watch soccer? No. Like, there's just a lot of shit that. My point is that fucking. I, for five years, I used to get upset and really upset and get down on myself, and then guess what happened? I started fucking hanging out with people I shouldn't have been hanging out with. Okay. And I said, what is better for me? Hanging out at home with my. With my cat, smoking whatever amounts of dope I want. Because I go in and out of that garage, okay? I could smoke. I could eat edibles. I got Szechuan right down the corner if I get in a pinch. You know, I got all these things around me. Listen, I wish I had four fucking people to do it with. I wish I had two people to do it with. But it's not that world no more. You know, it's not that world no more. I thought about getting an apartment up here and just seeing George at night. George is fun at night. Like, from 10 to 1, he's fun. But I'm trying. I'm passing out of the quarter to 11. So what am I at the apartment for? To sleep up here? To sleep in the office? So I thought about all this shit. Right. And what I need to do is have hobbies. And my two hobbies are stand-up. Okay. It's a hobby now. It's not a career no more. It's a hobby. I'm not. There's no tours. There's no pictures of me. Oh, tour of 2000. No, no. It's just. Listen, this is what's going on this month. Take it or leave it. I love it. You posted, like, a story with a picture of the poster. No link. No nothing. It's just the here. I'm going to be here. That's the best I got. I don't know how to do anything else. I don't know how to do posters and fucking put voices. People kicking. I don't know. I take the. Listen, it's the simplest road out. That was, like, one of the first things I ever helped you with is, like, went to your house way before Mercy was born. I went into your office. And you had, like, a little. Like, not even a laptop. I think it was, like, basically, like, one of those early, like, iPads. And you had me post. Or maybe it was a laptop. You had me post a picture for you on Twitter. And just uploading a picture to Twitter, you called me an unadulterated genius. And you. At least you can post a picture now. You're pretty good at that. That's fucking funny. Yeah, but, you know, it's like. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. Like, this is. I like that. And just all the gym activities I do is a hobby. Because I monitor it. I'm like a nerd. I monitor it. I monitor my strain. You know, why did this not happen today? But that's what I have to involve myself with now. Because that's what it is. I mean, listen, man. Am I heartbroken? I'm heartbroken about a lot of things. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can do to get 20 more auditions a month. Whoa, Joey, you can get a new headshot and work on your reel. I've been there for 25 years. of years. They know I'm there. right you know i wish i had an audition more i wish things like that but that's not it's just not happening joey it's not now i could say joey you're a loser it's it's not happening for me but if you know anything about me i make calls right and it's not happening for a lot of people my age right now it's not happening for people your age in hollywood right now i was gonna say you think it's an age thing or what do you think anything it's just a business thing business is down they're not shooting shit ever since this fucking strike ai is looming yeah i mean you know so am i upset about it like i said i wish i had one or two more audition it'd be nice to get a movie from time to time but this is what it is have you thought about because you i don't know if you remember but years ago you were all like this close to going back to school for like a history class you think about going to do anything like that i do but i'd like to go to a class because i'm not going to do anything like that i'm not going to do anything like that i'm not too stupid to do it online all right i need to ask questions i'm one of those guys i gotta ask questions bro i can see that i feel a lot better if i ask you a question and you look in my eyes if i do it online i'm gonna get stumped and then i'll never go back to it right i'm one of those guys once i get stumped now i'm embarrassed now fuck the course but i'd love to take a continuing education class like fucking brick masonry and fucking brick masonry you're 63 you want to g i you're gonna do history back then what would you like for me to learn now something where you get to sit down why would i want to learn something like that i don't know you're not gonna go back to the right now anything i'm learning is for me to enjoy myself with okay like even that idiot fucking frank colombo when he retired he grew roses and he won rose tournaments and shit with his roses right there's got to be some type of hobby i don't know how to plant tomatoes i don't know how to fucking cook do you want to what about smoking meat you just leave it you just put you just get a smoker dude so many guys do it you just get a smoker and you just leave it in there you just smoke a brisket and who's gonna eat it you hopefully i love brisket you love brisket yeah but i don't want to eat that shit every day i don't want i want to do something that's kind of on the positive side not that i'm stuck eating my own food burying myself and fucking 63 okay okay if it's gonna be so it's gonna be something tried coconut cult yet coconut cult it's called coconut cult it's a fucking you know i love our probiotics here we have the best probiotic but this is a live probiotic and it's it comes in different flavors but the coconut yogurt it's uh it's called a live probiotic what does it do takes care of your gut health free pro and whatever but it's a yogurt that tastes like fucking a dream and you only take four teaspoons a day in the morning with breakfast and then you shit right away you don't shit right away you'll shit later but it's beautiful it's proportionate comes out like mountains in colorado you know it smells like flowers no i'm just saying that it's so fucking good i wish i could you learned to make something like that right like i want to learn how to do something like that that's not gonna blow like somebody said why don't you learn how to make meth then i'll blow up the fucking house that's what you need the apartment up here for yeah it's just you need something you know i chose all my things i'm not gonna be one of these guys that i don't play golf i'm not gonna take up golf to be cool at this age i got a 12 year old daughter all right and that's 50 of my time as much as i'm not with a 50 i am but i'm always conniving thought right and you want to be home so that in case yeah you know i like to be home at a certain time every day i like to do my own stuff and you know man and i don't mean to insult anybody with this either my friends or people who watch this show you know guys there's some people that they've been moving from the age of 16 like lee there's some people that have been moving from the age of 12 like me or george or nick at one time you go you know what i'm not doing this no more i'm not doing this no more and i'm and i'll tell you why because all your life you're living to do something for somebody all your life well your aunt needs this right your cousin needs this you need this and just one fucking day that you could just go i'm controlling my fucking realm especially coming from stand-up because come on i feel pretty busy now and i was i'm nowhere near as busy as you but i i don't i don't think there's ever one day where i'm not doing like i always i'm always out always when you do stand-up whether you focus i was talking to aaron berg okay so let's say you were to do five sets a night after those five sets you tape them and guess what people like oh well he's done for the night no i'm not done for the night because now my daughter and my wife are asleep and this is like a really work so now i go home and listen to those four tapes and adjust on the joke so i'm prepared for the next day because the next day i'm going to be busy with my daughter well i got to drive to the city to do a podcast that's the hour nobody fucking sees see just like me i was delusional i thought that when you watch an hbo special you just called down there hey what's going on down there tonight nothing some cameras are going to come by why you want to come by yeah i'll be right down and you just talk that shit that was my thing with stand-up i thought you just that's the first time you said it i didn't know you had to work on it and write and get two notebooks and fucking take a writing course and get glasses and i didn't know about all that shit right and so now like yeah i didn't know about all that shit and that's what the human person doesn't know the the consumer the same way i don't know what it's takes to be an engineer major the same thing i don't know what it takes to make a hot dog like a hot dog from scratch we don't know right we assume so people assume well these motherfuckers they just show up and get on stage and talk shit and smoke dope okay and how does it kind of feel good to just be like i'm not doing shit now i'm staying home staying home and i'm in pajamas i'm doing whatever the fuck i want you'll watch the movie the rat pack no it was a movie years ago in 2000 maybe 99 and they set a line in there that's always stuck with me the guy goes yeah that was a great show tonight joey bishop tells dean martin that was a great show tonight man that's fantastic and he goes he goes one of these days these people gonna wake up and try to figure out what all the fuss was about you know and that's us in life it's just big fucking fuss and one day when you don't have it like you either crack like i did for a while or you go i kind of like this this is what i got this is what i got to work with and this is what needs to be done now i get that but what wouldn't you say like the last five years was kind of by choice because as soon as covid was over you could have been out there if you had wanted to be you could have been out there 30 weeks a year i wasn't ready right no and i'm not saying you should have been but i'm like it's not like it's not like people stop coming to your shows you're just like i don't want to go out no which is i get but like when i hear that quote it makes me think like oh again people stop showing up again again that's a decision by a grown man that has not stopped since 93 and now it was 2020 that's a 27-year run that's not what most people do but if you go to college and you get out when you're 22 and you start working 27 years puts you in like 50 correct yeah around that yeah 22 23 27 you need a fucking breather and i'm not talking about this was like an early uh an easy 27 years you know this was 17 years that were rough and then 10 years became easier but more rough because now it involves stress and ticket sales and this and people calling you because you don't have a video made for and you're like what the fuck right what the fuck so dog i was just burnt the fuck out like i just had it this was just and to top it off that world wasn't my world i'm not the type of guy oh my god we love you and that oh no i know oh my god i'm not into those shit so that was bearing on me for a long time right that weighed on me that people wanted you to do that stuff no because i don't i didn't want to be them that wasn't who i was that i was going to oh my god it's so great we're so on no i don't give a fuck just give me the check let's cut through the bullshit let's cut you know why i'm here and i know why you're here okay again money ball the black dude and brad pitt the guy's the oldest player on the team oh yeah that's a great that's a great scene and he goes let's cut this shit david justice david justice we know why we're here you're trying to stay in the fucking part of the dance and i'm trying to get the most out of you till you fucking die that's it You're getting $7 million a year. I ain't paying you that. The Yankees are paying you that because they want to play against you. And that's what comedy is. But we think it's something bigger, and then we start floating around with furs hanging out with young blood. You're a fucking comic, motherfucker. You're nothing else but a comic. But for some people, they run with it, and they just lose their fucking mind. For me, the other way, I just want to be a comic. It's like when you go to a theater. People are like, let's show you this historic theater. I don't need to see nothing. I need to see the historic check. That's the envelope. I'll be in the green room bringing the check. I don't want to see the fucking wedge. The guy shot Abe Lincoln. I don't want to see any of that shit. That was my favorite. I forget where it was. It doesn't matter. But it was like we were leaving, and the guy's like, do you want to go up onto the roof to see the fireworks? And you were like, no. You want to climb a ladder to go see the fireworks? It's over. It's over. You know, and you. You buy into that shit for a while. When you're a young comic, you're like, oh, my God. And then you go home and tell, like, your girlfriend and your wife, we performed at the same place where Lincoln got shot. Who cares? They gave you $200. What the fuck do you give a fuck for? I know. So that's those little things. Like, I avoided all that shit. I avoided being a fake person. I avoided hanging out and being a certain person. I just was a North Bergen guy. And that's it. I just wanted. This is a challenge. This is a fucking job. Nothing else. Yeah, become something else. And then you become something else. I was trying not to become that person. I was just trying to keep it fucking normal. That's it. I don't have to have a guy follow me all the time with a video. You ever notice that? Like, these people walk in. There's always somebody with a video. Where are those people around me? Like, you know what I'm saying? Have you seen them do takes? Huh? That's my favorite. Like, when they come. Like, I'll see them out there. And they'll do takes. Like, they'll come in. And I'm like, let me do that again. And they come in. And they'll just come. And they'll come into the green room and, like, do another. And do it. And, like, give people high fives. It is. I don't want to do any of that stuff. Just let's start the show. It's like the 20-minute video before the show starts. Why? Just knock it off. Knock it the fuck off with this. So now we got two clubs we got to tell. No video, we don't show. It's quick. This is quick. No 20-minute video. They got to put up with 20 different fucking acts that they've never seen before. I would love to see you. Just to be there while you tell the man. Because I'm in a place. I don't tell the manager nothing. I call my agent. Tell him to tell him. But if I were you, I would be the one to tell him. No. Why? I don't want to cause any conflict. I'm going in there making $100. And they love those videos. And they have, like, scenes from, like, Anchorman and them. And it's like. And it doesn't make any sense. But I can't say shit to anybody. And it's like. And I'm coming in my pants thinking about the day where I can tell clubs. You know what? No. We're not doing this. We're not doing that. This is what my price is. Oh, my God. I can't wait to be able to tell people stuff like that. I can't wait. Oh. I just want to be able to. My dream is just to be able to tell people what I actually want to say. My whole life. You have to. From the teachers to your parents to your bosses. You can't tell people anything. And you always. It seems like you do tell. I'm so jealous of that. I would love to be able to tell people. But what the fuck I actually want to say. Listen, man. It took me a long time. But then you get. You know. And then I started going off on these guys as feature. I got to the point where I was just going off on managers on feature act. And club owners. Because now. You know. It's like I started that thing. There's a whole video series. About me calling comics and saying. That's the last Sunday you're working. What? Joe Diaz. Don't ever catch me working a fucking Sunday again. What are you talking about? What are you talking about, man? It's money. No, it's not. It's slavery. We don't work on Sunday. And the more people who do it. And then people started paying attention. And now the clubs lost control of Sundays. And they hated me. Because I made everybody as a feature act. Don't work Sunday. We don't work Sundays. We're gangsters. We're fucking Catholics. Even if you're Jewish. You're Catholic. You don't work Sunday. That's just the way it is. But in comedy. You have so many people. You have so many weak links. That then they'll keep doing it. But if I take the high links out. And tell them like that. Like you're not working Sundays no more. And explain it to them. You're not. And they'll go. You're right. What the fuck are you doing? That's the worst day to sit in your hotel room. Is a Sunday. There is nothing like a Sunday in a hotel room. You watch football by yourself. You know. You go to a bar. You know. Even before podcasts. Because I get it. If you want to do a podcast Monday. I get it. But if you. If I had nothing else. It sounds like a great day. Especially during football. Football season. What? To just. You wake up whenever you want. Saturday. Like after a late night Saturday. That's. You chill. No. You watch it. Get a little food. Because I already did that Thursday. I already did that Friday and Saturday morning. I only got two mornings. Oh. That third morning I already had. The eggs were good the one day. And then you went to the other place the one day. You already ate at the top steakhouse. It's time to leave. That's it. I hate when weekends end. I never want them to end. No. I love when weekends end. I love Sunday night. Saturday night. When they're like let's take a picture. I already got the check. You should have asked me before the picture. I'm not taking a picture. Oh my God. But I took that. I took that time off. Right. And it was a fucking big wrestle. Like that was a big wrestle with myself. But I knew two things. If I would have kept going in the condition I was in. I would have ended up in really bad shape. And I said fuck it. This is what. This is what I was going to do. Again. I had a very good conversation with somebody today about comedy. And I know about this firsthand. Okay. And this goes for life. This just isn't stand-up comedy. Remember what I'm telling you people at home and here and you. In life you elevate yourself. Yeah. They can give you a raise. And give you $54,000. And give you another raise in three years. And give you $80,000. Whatever. But in life you elevate yourself. Like comics are way too much. They're way too much. They're waiting right now. Comedians especially. Now we'll go back to comics. They're waiting right now for something to happen. Every comic I talk to is waiting for something. There's a few select that are making things happen. But even some of them are waiting for something to happen. Netflix didn't come back to them with an offer. This didn't pan out. Fox didn't pick up any shows. So everybody's waiting. And at one point it's like anything else in life. How much longer can I take this abuse for? So now instead of taking abuse, I'm going to give a little abuse. And I'm going to learn how to work a little smarter. And I'll use an example that you guys understand. You're going to get a thousand calls. People are going to keep calling you for MC work. Okay. It's just me, I didn't give a fuck. Because I needed every dollar I could get. But when you're on your climb, once you decide, once you decide on feature spots, you're a feature. How many people call you to feature every month? Almost none. It's hard. Very fucking hard. So you got to say to yourself, you know what, I'm not going to MC no more. But Lee, and right when you make that decision, the phone's going to ring. Hey, we want you to MC this week. It pays $408 shows. And you're like, not. You hang up that phone, your heart breaks. You're like, I need that $400. Even if it's not about the money, it's a spot. It's not about the money, it's that spot. But you've made a decision not to take any more feature work. You've made a fucking decision as a man. You've made a decision as a fucking comedian. You're not fucking doing that anymore. And the phone's going to ring every weekend for 10 fucking weeks. Hey, you want to be an MC? Hey, you want to? And you got to, no, no, no. And you got to find something else, deliver Chinese, whatever the fuck it is. And then what? One day when you're about to give up, that guy's going to call you and go, hey, man, my club in New Orleans, the feature fell out. If you're available, I'd love to have you, Lee. Right. And that club has four other sister clubs. Yeah. Do you follow me? So now you picked up six feature works. You were pissed at me because for a year, you starved a little bit. For nine months, you starved. Right. And that's what I'm talking about, that you elevate yourself. Now, everybody's worried about a special. Everybody thinks a special is going to fucking solve their fucking misery. And it's not. It's going to make it worse now. Why? Because now you get put into a pool with other fucking people. Okay. Now you're doing what? What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again. With the same results. You're seeing, you know, it's like the idiot that sits at home every Christmas and goes, look at those zaps at the airport. You see them with their pillows and their teddy bears. You know, there's a storm. And then one day you're like, it's not going to happen to me. And you decide to take those planes. And there you are for a week stuck in fucking Montana because of some shit. That would be. Dude, it happened sort of this week. I got passed at my first club in Manhattan. And if I'm. Because I was trying to be nice and polite for a while, and I kept hanging out and they kept putting me up. But I never, like, I want to get, booked in advance. Like, I don't want to have to just hang out or like get the text that day so I was talking to somebody he's like just ask so I did I just went up to the guy I was like hey man I'd love I'm here all the time I'd love to do some spots gonna get if you if I can get on the system he's like sure he did it right there and I have two spots tonight and it was like it was just speaking up is one of the hard I don't I'm not good at it I'm not good at asking for what I want and I'm sure it's not always gonna work there's two other clubs in Manhattan that I call I call these the bookers every Tuesday and they never pick up the phone fine you're gonna call them until they change that number die or cancel their business right just to let them know you're better than they are now at this point it's just a joke now right at this point it's just who's gonna give up first right you know who's gonna give up for I have this company I called like maybe a year ago to ask them about something look they call me once a week and they send me emails you it's that time I have not answered the phone since I called they have the worst telemarketing department because they keep calling that number about a week ago I go next time they call I'm gonna fucking pick up the phone and go are you that fucking stupid you are wasting it the number's dead the guy hasn't picked up in 11 fucking months what does that tell you they stopped calling oh that sucks you must be looking forward to it but at the same time you know Lee comedy is rough right now and right now everything is rough let's let's fucking face it this isn't this is going to be a great Thanksgiving for some people I was watching people on CNN the other night going they can't afford everything for Thanksgiving like they can't have stuffing or this or that you know or prices out of fucking control the gallon of milk has fucking gone up you know four bucks I mean you know everything is rough I mean everybody you know businesses restaurants comedy shows the numbers aren't what they used to on a lot of these shows it's a tough fucking market and we're here waiting for something to happen not gonna happen they're not doing that no more comedy it's just everybody it's the same people get the Netflix specials now Hulu's opened up they're giving it to a couple big names you know right and some people are coming like I actually just bought tickets Tosh is going back on the road you see that yeah I got time I'm gonna go see him where uh Long Island I'm gonna go see him whenever he's coming out it's not just Tosh that's going on the road next year a lot of people on the road next year a lot of people have announced tours and people that haven't toured in a few years because that money's running out and now you got instead of 300 people chasing the same nickel you got 400 people chasing the same nickel right and Tosh is back baby and he hasn't been around for years I don't remember the last dangerous right there yeah coming around I know Cristal Alonzo's coming around oh shit and she's hasn't been around in years you know I mean Daniel's probably just bored are you think so yeah he's got 80 million dollars somewhere Comedy Central oh yeah he must so he's just bored at home somebody had to twist his arm and I saw his schedule it's real but it's it's because I and Sandler did the same thing it seems like when these big guys go out they're like I just want to go out for four weeks and then just be done like they have shows almost Tuesday Wednesday Monday every night they have shows and then they're done with the tour there's no more like just weekends no like if they want to see me they'll see me on a Tuesday and you will if you really like somebody you'll go see them on a Tuesday no because the show's end early anyway right it's a 7 30 show what are you going to be Apple 10 right 10 they got to be off it's Union especially if they're in a theater or an arena or whatever the they're at so that that's the problem that you have so a show is safe now when I went to a show we were kids when we went to the garden they would go to one in the morning you know they the finds and then they started finding them more and more and then you know but yeah now you go to a show during a week you're safe as yeah it's a it's a night out it's a dinner and you go right to the place 7 30 show two three openers he comes on does an hour that's it there's no meet and greet there's nothing it's a arena it's a it's a 5 000 seat theater he's probably on a plane back home within 45 minutes 45 minutes that's amazing it's it's fun it's fun getting to like see some of these people come back it's when I think that was a cool thing that you did and I know I was talking to you about it earlier but like the fact that you took a break I think I it makes people more excited like I whenever I I'm saying I'm meeting a lot of people you know who I'm meeting a lot of people now who are like in their early early 20s and we're listening to us in like middle school and high school and then like this is the they weren't allowed to see you the last time you were in their city because they were 16 and now now they're finally 18 21 whatever you have to be and it's it's like it's like oh my god he's coming out again like I think I think that's what people like when they see you coming to their city that's what they're looking for like oh my god I mean those those weeks and taking off I already went and got notebooks I wrote like parameters I wrote like subjects I want to tread with like a month of time and then I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like a month of time and then I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I want to try like different and I really want to write like I really really want to write and try and the problem is I just don't have access to the city we discussed this as much as I'd like you have access I got access but fuck and it's December Jack that ferry is cold and a motherfucker and Christmas traffic and shit now so you know my thing ends this is what helps me my thing ends in parks after Wednesday I'm not in parks till next Thanksgiving okay so that frees up Philadelphia for me now Pennsylvania so I could go on the other side of Pennsylvania start doing like some gigs some people have right thing thank you guys bill you guys is the headline and I'll do 30 minutes and the way that nobody knows I'd rather do that right because I'm gonna have boundaries because I have Atlantic City in August okay so after January I can't do a show around here oh shit I gotta get the fuck out of here and now they're holding you they're really watching boundaries now because the tickets right so they're like bro don't don't that's so I don't think a lot maybe the listeners understand that is when you do a show somewhere especially a big show you're legally not allowed to do a show within a certain mileage 90 miles 120 miles all around so you got to be really careful of that because it's Atlantic City and Atlantic City they're not going to come down for one night they're going to come down for one night they're going to come down for two nights get dinner one night maybe come see me the one night maybe go see Frankie Valli and I draw a little dice I might chance so but that's really important like right now if I was a young comic I'd love to hear what I just said that right now boom right now you gotta think outside the box and comedy and you got to figure out what because for you to drop seven four grand on a special and for it just to happen you gotta figure out what because for you to drop to become home decor, and you have no plan on how to get it out there. Right? We could just shoot a video here. If I'm going to get 10,000 views on my special, why not just shoot a video here? Do a stand-up special for three people and fucking, you know, I mean, the truth. Right now they're looking for something a little different. Right. You know, all these specials are shot in arenas, in theaters. Maybe people want to see something smaller. Yeah. Maybe people want to see something different set up. I saw a clip. I think Jeff Foxworthy is doing another one, but he's splitting it up. Half the special is going to be him working it out in clubs, and then he's going to do it again with it completed. That's been done already. Really? I'm talking about something that the people can relate to more. Okay. We just discussed that. Nobody knows the process of stand-up. You know, when you become a super fan like George, because he's been around me, I've been around him with his business, you start to understand, but nobody understands the process of work and the process of working out. Chris Rock tried that a couple years ago, the black special, and the black and white, and the colored. Don't keep it fucking simple. Keep it fucking simple. It's a brick wall with a microphone, a sign behind you, and smoke. I would love to do smoke on stage. Okay. Smoke from the cigarettes in the room. No, I know your room. Oh, okay. Well, the reefer in the room, not you sitting there with some Chinese guy blowing smoke for you to get a fex. Ozzy Osbourne. Okay. No, no. I'm talking about smoke from the fucking nitty-gritty smokers that are in the room. They're dropping their fucking ambiance. That's what a fucking special is. Everything else taken from that, the lights and the copter flying around the room and people giggling. There was a special they shot so bad that the guy was dying on stage and they're showing people laughing. Nobody was laughing. When people laugh, they go like this. They go backwards. People just sat there the whole fucking night and watched this bum special. Oh, my God. That's sad. So it's really weird right now, but it's very weird in every field. Like, if you're a realtor right now, you're feeling it. If you're selling cars right now, what's the interest? Still six? Nine? You ain't buying no fucking car at 9%. So everybody's like, fucking, what do we do next? You know, that's the next move. People are going to think about maybe watching stand-up. I don't know. Like, I always liked streaming comedy. I always thought it would work. Yeah. Like, a network, six nights a week, you put a comedy there for $30, what, 30 minutes, and they pay $10. And people could sit at home, and they know at 9 o'clock on Monday, on Tuesday through Thursday, three nights a week, you could watch comedians through 30 fucking minutes. So there are, I've seen some people do it. What do you think about doing it in a movie theater instead? Because I think the, and I love specials. The problem I have with it is if. What's the difference between a movie theater and a theater? No, a movie theater and home. Because a movie theater, they could charge $10, but at least you're around all the people. Watching a special at home, even if you have your wife there, you both might giggle a little bit, but I really think you have to be around a lot of people. If they were doing it in a movie theater, I would go for $10, get a little popcorn, and then you'd all have to go to a comedy club. You don't have to worry about someone picking on you. $10 and some popcorn. Yeah, that's $62. That's true. So that's the problem with movie theaters. The special went from being free to I'm paying $10, and I got to pay $8 for that fucking popcorn. Listen, I always have a burrito in my pocket. I know. I put food in there all the time. But we're trying to, right now, it's the cheapest angle. Over the holidays, people pay for Netflix. They're going to watch all those specials on Netflix. That's just the way Leanne Ryan, whatever, all those new specials, they're all going to watch them because they pay $15. Well, $23 a month now for Netflix. I know. Everything is beautiful. So you got to get your money's worth on these fucking networks now. It's not like I got Paramount. But I got my money's worth out of Paramount, Jack. Netflix, I don't really get my money's worth, but I have in the past. Yeah, I don't get my money's worth out of any of them. People don't cancel them. You should start a streaming service or just some sort of subscription where people subscribe because that's where the money is. Because how often do you watch Netflix? You said you just said it. You don't watch Netflix, but you still pay them $19 a month for the last 20 years. My wife watches Netflix more for the Limey shows. I watch Netflix for like the Dallas Cowboy thing. Every once in a while, I watch Netflix. You know, HBO Plus, I have just for the Sopranos and any HBO movies I like. Hulu, I never really watch. Paramount, I watch. And Apple, I watch. Apple TV's got some good shows and great movies, too. And I'll tell you what the best one is on all those motherfuckers. Disney. Really? The one my daughter's got? Disney. Disney Plus? They ain't fucking around on that. What do you like? I know it's not Star Wars. Let me tell you something. No. You go on there. Like, if I go on Amazon Prime, it's the worst movies in the fucking world. Oh, yeah. You just sit there through these bummy movies that you've never heard of before. And when you do watch them, you're like, all right, I know I didn't see this movie before. This is weird because it's got three movie stars in it. It's got three fucking big name movie stars. And I've never heard dick about this fucking movie. You know? That's Amazon. And they wish you kept it that way. Yeah. It's the weirdest fucking thing. Yeah. Amazon, I don't trust any of their movies. Like, I don't even. If I'm on there, don't rent it. Like, I'm done. That's it. That's it. I'm fucking done, man. Is that like a red flag to you? If, like, someone called you for an audition, like, it's going to be on Amazon Prime? Oh, yeah. I'm not showing up. I'm not going down there. These idiots that put their comedy specials on Amazon years ago, and it's paper. And they're like, I got a special on Amazon. You're paying them every month. Because if you don't sell that special, like, if people ain't buying it at whatever, five bucks a head or something like that, we have to do something different. We have to. We all do. I mean, there's a lot of occupations that are stalling right now. You know? And ours is not one that's stalling. But entertainment as a whole is, you know, I think that after the pandemic, too many people went out. We developed this phobia where we needed to spend money. And not just our money, but every dollar we had in our fucking pocket. And people paid bigs and big money to go to concerts and shows and vacations. And, you know, during COVID, cruise ships, don't do it. And fuck, COVID wasn't even done. And people getting on cruise ships like fucking Liberace was going to make an appearance or something like that. So I don't know what happened. But I know that we all knew. During the pandemic, like even after I moved here, that place in Jersey, they were doing concerts every fucking night. Social distancing. The one by my house, PR Center, PNC, you know, those motherfuckers were doing shows and they were doing, you know, and every heavy metal band was out. All those old guys were out. Those old guys ain't doing too good no more. What's going on? That's it. Even Motley Crue wasn't selling tickets. And they had to go to a. A Las Vegas residency. Now, they want to fucking announce a world tour with Xtreme and somebody else for the. Oh, this is going to be the shadow of whatever tour. Some album they put out in 2009. It's done. It's done. I saw this online, so this could be fake. But I think I saw that like the WWE at Madison Square Garden sold like 4,000 tickets. Like out of what. I don't even know how much that is. It's like 20,000 seats or something in Madison Square Garden. 18, 19. They sold 4,000. 4,000 seats. That is. They blacked the top out, but, you know. Yeah, it looks good on TV. It looks really good on TV, but it doesn't. It's. I think it's too much entertainment for the dollar right now, especially across that fucking tunnel. Across that tunnel, there's. Every 22 feet, there's something to be entertained. A fucking. Pomerita. A fucking sports bar. A fucking, you know. There's every. There's all types of entertainment across the river. Oh, I love it over there. But even. And every, you know. Now, again, when George and I were growing up, Tuesday nights, you'd catch the fucking Stones in Schenectady for 20 bucks and didn't even know it was the fucking Stones. You'd catch the Ramones in the city for the small 25, $20. It's CBGBs. So you had that action during the week. Now, it's 600 a ticket. Yeah. And people. I think people just would rather stay home. I think a lot of people like you. People will never fathom this when I say this. And, George, you asked Loops. Me and Loops went to see Prince, Sheila E., and Nucleus at the Ritz for $15 on a Tuesday night. Right before that movie came out. But what do you. Like. The $15 back then was about, like, $60 now? You know what that's like today? You know what that. $15 for Prince, right before Purple Rain. I mean, Purple Rain came out in July. The movie just came. We went to see him in June. And we didn't know he was touring. There was no fucking. They said it on the radio. And we were lifting weights in his mother's garage. And we looked at each other. I just got to go up to 88th Street. You could take a shower. Pick me up in 35 minutes. And we shot over to the fucking city. $15. Sheila E., Nucleus, and fucking Prince, and the New Revolution. Whatever the fuck. But how much did it cost you to get into the city now? Four bucks. Dude, it cost, like, $25 to go into the city. No shit. So that whole thing. Parking was $4. Maybe a fucking quarter. Yeah, you parked on the street. And the $5 nickelback. You know, you weren't snorting coke for whatever that fucking. For Sheila E. It was 7.30 at night. It was a club show. And they played to whatever. And it was New York. So who knew who was going to walk in? Like, when I went to see Prince, he announced, like, three black guys that walked in. I didn't know who the fuck they were. But people were jumping up and down. They must have been famous. Right. That's the thing about New York. You don't know who's going to be in the audience. That's the excitement. That's it. That's the surprise. If I pay $600, I'm expecting something. Right. If I'm paying $15, I got nothing to lose. It's just $15. It's just $15 fucking dollars. What do I give a fuck? Yeah. Everything is better when you have no expectations. So what do I got to do to fill those $600? I got to take pictures with my friends. Everybody jump up and down. Let's show them how much fun we're having. Us big idiots just spent $5,000 on these tickets. Let's jump up and down. Whee! And we're drinking fucking water to boot. Whee! Like fucking idiots. Enough is enough. We'll be right back in five minutes, cocksuckers. It's break time. Hey! Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe, we're here. Listen, it's Thanksgiving week, and the action doesn't stop at the dinner table. You're going to feast on some winnings this holiday with Pick 6, DraftKings' newest fantasy game. Just pick more or less on two or more player stats. It's that simple. Pick 6 brings you the upside that other fantasy sites can't even touch. The better you perform, the bigger your payout. Pick 6 is available in most states, okay? It just landed in Texas. California and Georgia. I love the Pick 6. I don't know what I'm doing, but every time I play, I go for a ride. So do yourself a favor. Download the DraftKings Pick 6 app right now, immediately, and press in code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's code Joey, J-O-E-Y. New customers can just play $5 and get 50 in Pick 6 credits. Did you hear that? New customers play $5 and get paid 50 in Pick 6 credits. Make the call. Ride the upside in partnership with DraftKings Pick 6. Remember, DraftKings, the crown is yours, people. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick 6 not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable Pick 6 bonus picks that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. What's up? Uncle Joey here. Listen, it's getting cold out and you need simple winter clothing. Fun stuff that looks sharp and feels good. Do yourself a favor. Stock up at Quince. Quince clothes are warm, durable, and built to last. Quince gives you a wardrobe that you'll get through the cold months looking stylish like Superfly. Quince has winter staples like 100% Mongolian. Listen, 100%. Mongolian cashmere for just 50 bucks and wool coats that look sharp and hold up. Listen, I love that jacket. That little Mongolian cashmere. I ordered a 3X. I'm smoking in it. I look like Marvin Gaye before he shot his uncle. Anyway, Quince makes the perfect gift for the person in your life who already has everything. I love him and it's easy. 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Listen, you take a few capsules daily in the morning with food. No synthetics, no needles. Just real ingredients like vitamin D, K1, and K2. If you know anything about testosterone, you need all these supplements to make your testosterone kick. And that's what Mars Men brings to you. After using Mars Men? Over 91% of users report higher energy levels. Did you hear that? 91% of users report higher energy levels. For a limited time right now, for the church family, you're going to get 60% off for life and two free gifts when you use code Joey at mengotomars.com. Again, mengotomars.com. And use Joey at checkout. Support the show and tell them Uncle Joey sent you. Thank you very much and happy holidays. We're back for another fun-filled session here. The juice is kicking finally. The edibles are kicking in. I haven't eaten an edible all week. I ran out of them. The whole week? Bro, I have zero edibles at the house. I got some dried up mushrooms that I threw away. I found some. I found some wax. I threw that away. I cleaned out my weed drawer finally. It's fucking disgusting. What happened to that whole big Harry Potter case Rhythm gave you? That's already gone? Three quarters of it. That was the biggest case of weed I've ever seen in my life. The fucking bong was great, only they gave me a fucking thing that it clogs every time. Even after you grind the weed, it still clogs. I was like, the bong is worthless. I got all the cartridges. I got some heavy-duty cartridges. I got cartridges like vapor pens, like the fucking thick ones that fucking. But again, I get high one time on those. Dude, I can't tell. It's my favorite thing. I don't tell people that they're full of shit yet, but someone came up to me and gave me an edible. He's like, I gave this to Joey. I told him to be careful, and he took it, and he was high for four days. Enjoy. And I was like, I don't think. I don't. Oh, people. I tried. I tried to tell you. Isn't it where the people talk about you? Like, oh, I got Joey high. I'm like, I don't think you did. I tried to tell you. Maybe they gave the edible to George. George tried to give it to me. I threw it away. And George felt bad. He's like, he liked it. And they just run from that. This is why I have a friend of mine. She's a great girl. I love her to death. She calls me once every two weeks. She's like, Joey, come on my house. We're snorting, you know, like they do fucking whippets. And what's the other shit where you change your voice? Nitrous oxide. Oh, Jesus. They do the crazy. They got chocolate mushrooms. But when she's talking to me, I can hear goofy guys with her. Yeah, come over, man. I can't. I can't. I can't. Because those guys are telling a story that you've never heard before. He came over. We gave him one hit of weed. He was seeing things. And next thing you know, you're like, first off, I know Joey. I know Joey. I know Joey. He didn't smoke your weed. I'm not smoking nobody's weed. I bring my own for a fucking reason. Because I assume yours suck. It's not a health thing? So if I walk into your house, I bring my own fucking ammunition. So it's, guys, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, but I hope you guys all learn a lesson. This poor bastard, every two weeks, I run into a guy. He says he knows you. George, you don't know me. You don't know me. Trust me when I'm telling you. How do I know? Because I've seen people do that right in front of me. Like right in front of me. Like, for example, you're like, what would it be? Okay. I'm at a bar standing here with Lee, George, and Nick. We're two idiots. Four idiots. Who's winning New England? I don't know. You know, whatever the fuck we talk about. And all of a sudden, the football player's girlfriend comes in. Taylor Swift? She comes in. We don't even see her. Ten black guys. She's got a fur on, a van, people getting pushed out of the way. Because that's cool today. People want that to happen, right? They want that to happen. I'll get in the car with all four. Now, while we were there, we didn't even see her. She came out. She walked to the bathroom one time, and she waved at us. And that was it. Out of us four, what are we going to tell when we come back up here? We hung out with Taylor Swift. We partied with Taylor Swift. You didn't party. She was at the same place that you were by coincidence, you fucking idiot. It's the luckiest day in your life since your dog got hit by a car. Okay? And now, you follow what I'm saying to you? It's a big difference. It's a big fucking difference. So, that's what I don't like about the game. That happens all the time. Did I ever tell you what happened with the girl I hooked up with before my ex? Dog, it's a nightmare out there. I hooked up with this girl once. We met online. We hooked up once. That was the only STD I ever got when I got thrush. And my tongue turned purple. It was fucked up. I didn't tell you this? When was this? Oh, this was 2021, April. I was losing weight, but not fully yet. I was in Massachusetts, yeah. And I met this girl online. She started sending me dirty videos. And it was just a dating app. I had no idea about the podcast, any of it. I went over once. And the next day, it was like Willy Wonka. My tongue started to blow up. And it turned purple. And you know how nervous I get. So, I got fucking nervous. And meanwhile, you go for an STD test. It takes two days to come back. She told me. And the doctor told me it was something called thrush. Which is basically, you went down. I went down on someone with a yeast infection, pretty much. There was nothing out there. But it was just. I told her about it. And she was like, well, my sister is a nurse. And she said, guys only get thrushed if they have AIDS. Because they have a weakened immune system. So, I had to sit with that for two days. Of course, I didn't have fucking AIDS. I never saw her again. I went to an open mic like a year, two years later. And I was like, I don't know. and my buddy in an open mic was like, I saw your ex-girlfriend Meanwhile I thought it was My ex from LA And he told me who it was I was like I hooked up with her once And she's going around telling people She gave me a fucking fucked up tongue I had to let I had to let lozenges Dissolve on my tongue It was like six times a day for like A purple tongue Lee It was fucked up Listen I am one of the nastiest Motherfuckers I know I have stung my mouth In places where a billy goat Will go not today okay I'm that type of dude I like to sniff a pussy and stick it on my man And better yet I'll flip him around And even if the asshole has that little Wang to it I'll still eat that pussy Because I'm a gentleman you know what I'm saying You are But dog there's times I've left the pussy and I've gone like oh yeah Tomorrow something's not going to be good I'll go home and Listerine it And brush it Oh You know fucking put a little rubbing alcohol In there in your mouth and gargle with it Oh I had no idea Like you know you have to You had the little thing that swells up But that's from working No it was the whole tongue I was living with my mom at the point At that point I've gotten to the point where under this There's a little white head that would pop Oh Jesus For me there's so much fucking rotten ass And pussy right underneath my tongue there You gave yourself a white head Under there yeah there was a little white Whenever I would go deep like on a coked up night Right Like I would go to Florida Yeah And do coke with chicks And just put coke on that pussy and eat it I've never met these women before That's not good That's not good But I was such a fucking savage That didn't matter I haven't you know Right I was going a hundred percent Right Before I met my wife I lived a comedy life that was a hundred percent Couches Planes Trains Automobiles And coke on pussy Women Borrowing It was fucking insane It was fucking insane But that's not good That's what I wanted Because I knew that's the only way I could do it That's the only way I could live That's it There was no gonna go work for a corporation And we gotta wear a blue shirt every Friday There was no bowling leagues There was none of that I just wanted to fucking Do something completely fucking different Right You know That's why when I got into it It was like listen There's two things I'm not gonna talk about on stage And this little fucking cocaine faggotry I have going on That I'm gonna do something different I'm gonna quit It's over I'm gonna do coke Till they find me in a fucking hotel room In Iowa Iowa somewhere At least I know there's going in Right But I'm gonna die doing what I love doing Doing comedy Eating ass And doing drugs That's it That's it We just sat here for an hour Before the break Talking about interest Do you guys notice I became a comedian Not by Really choice It was all I had It's all I could do Right You know It's all I could do When I jump in the shower At fucking 830 in the morning Or 730 I'm like Wow I could sit in here for two hours If I wanted to I don't But I could Not cause I'm lazy Because I already did the work I already laid my blueprint Okay Do you know what I mean? But Yeah I I don't know But that's all you like Sex Drugs And comedy Well now I got no drugs So the sex went down for 80% And I'm like You know Once you took the drugs from me You took a little piece from me As sad as that sounds That's It's a sad statement But I'm not gonna lie to you guys Why can't you get all horned up Without Without the drugs? It's not that It's It's not that Lee It's I still get horned up Like a normal American Right But If you know anything about me I don't wanna get Horned up Like a normal American I wanna get horned up Like a coke fiend Listen Just take a blue chewer And crush it up Those blue chews Are fun Listen I Listen You do not understand What we're even talking about I guess not Because a blue chew to me Is a fucking What I'm talking What I'm talking to you about Is A state of mind A comedy State of mind When you're in a zone You know We discussed Going away for three months And just doing You know Every show We've discussed Going away for a month And just doing And taking only Sunday nights off To sleep And do laundry Right We've discussed that We've discussed All those things So now What are we talking about About We're talking about You not liking sex anymore No So I didn't say that Lee I'm just saying that When I was doing comedy You know It's like when people Again I'm not comparing myself To nobody I'm just giving you an example People were a little shocked When they watched The Charlie Sheen thing And they were like To me It's just another day In the zoo You know what I'm saying It's just another day In your zone You know When you play football You're fucking 22 You just signed For $160 million Signing bonus You know They're going to give you $12 million a year To start at linebacker You're starting You're going to move To Milwaukee You're going to start A whole new fucking life How are you going to Live that life Are you going to Fucking bog yourself down With bullshit You're 23 fucking years old Okay What are you going to Bog yourself down with Slinging dick And playing football I am 20 fucking 3 years old I should not be getting Into a hamburger chain Or a restaurant chain Or Listen I'm going to For one year If God gives me one year To be a fucking nomad And then after a year If things work out I'll trim the fat I'll trim the fat I'll get rid of the bitches Whatever You guys understand What I'm trying to say to you For me Comedy was the same thing Out in the open I got upset with you last week For a disgusting thing But you didn't see Where I was coming from I got upset with you Because you didn't do Mushrooms with Josh On a Friday night That's why you get on the road That's why you get on the road That's the essence of doing comedy If not Go get a job If you're going to go When you go on the road On a Thursday Friday Saturday night The only boundary you have Is not to cheat on your wife Or your girlfriend That's it That's the only boundary you have Okay But You want to do something That you're not doing at home Why are you going home At 10.30 Or I don't want to be up Till 5 Who gives a fuck Who gives a fuck That's what the road Was for for me And at 5.30 That's when you're going to write Your best fucking material I see what you're saying And you understand me When I went on the road The first From 93 To 2000 I had no boundaries No boundaries Listen Whatever happened Whatever happened I followed a kid in Kentucky To a farm one night For four days For 45 minutes He told me He was going to get me coke When I got there He'd get me meth Did I cry I just did the meth Okay You understand Where I'm going with this Right It was a system It was a means to an end It was a I wanted to experience Every fucking minute Of being a stand-up Fucking comic You know I didn't want to live I have two choices And again I'm not talking bad About anyone I could have done the road Like Seinfeld Or done the road Like Sam Kennison I could have done the road I'd rather do it Like Sam Kennison But I couldn't do it Like that Forever So I did it Kind of like dice He eats good He stays out late He gets high He complains You follow me Right But it's all Still a hundred percent We're still going to go out To eat afterwards Right In a big fucking steakhouse We're going to fucking jam I don't give a fuck About Well I have to get on the plane At 530 I don't give a fuck About your dilemmas Lee I don't give a fuck Right You're sleeping two hours tonight That's it But then I got to drive to Boston Take a nap in the car You know Go buy a Tesla Where the guy drives for you Right Go get yourself a Tesla Trade one in Tell Nicky to take you down there That's part of that life I always wanted you To experience that life George is an artist George does frames But he's a fucking artist He's an artist Okay George fucked up somewhere He didn't get the Pepe Le Pew hat And the cigarette hole Holder Because that's all they want In that world Is to be cool Change his name to Georgie the Panamanian You know He's got three rings And he looks like fucking Keith Richards With a scarf in July That You know That's all part of it guys Why do I love gay men? Why do I really love The concept of gay men? Because yes There's some gay guys That they get their plaid shirts And they go to Rudy's And look at the menu Oh my god I can't But then there's some faggots That are just like I didn't become a faggot For this shit You know what I'm saying? I became a fag To go out there And be a murderer Like I'm busting assholes For eight years And I'm getting my asshole busted For eight years I'm sucking dick in tents Right I'm sucking dick in helicopters Whatever you got I'm a fool for You follow me? Right People are forgetting that People are forgetting that People are forgetting that Right now, I'm the happiest I've ever been with Steve. stand-up. I made a statement to you and I looked at your face and I said, I'm a hobbyist stand-up now. Because it is. Because I'm not worried about Netflix. I'm not worried about getting passed at a club. I'm not worried about getting my show picked up. I'm not worried about anything. I worry about two things. Coming up here, fucking around with you motherfuckers on Monday, saying whatever the fuck is on our mind or whatever the fuck's going on in society, and then working out once a week. Writing stupid shit. Listen, because I'm a part-time comic, I don't have the full-time comedy capacity in my mind like I used to. But when I do a couple shows in a row, I get it. Yeah, I wouldn't call you a hobbyist. I understand what you're saying. A hobbyist to me is the guy that I would do open mics with in Worcester who came in in a squirrel costume. This is what I became. And I didn't become. I became it by choice. Why? Joey, why? I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you and George, my brother, and my nephew Nick in public. I couldn't handle it anymore. It was cutting against my grain who I am inside. That's it. Just all this shit, you know. I charge 40 bucks for a ticket. I go online a week later and it's 280. You know, and nobody's got an explanation for me. This is what people. And then you bitch at me because, Joey, your tickets are 280. Dog, my tickets are $48. I understand. It's Thanksgiving. But you have tickets, kindness charge, kindness fee, this, that. You just get burnt out. You get burnt out on people telling you you didn't sell enough tickets. What about. When was the last time an agent called me and said, hey, man, be funny? That's hysterical. Never, probably in your whole career. Okay. I'm your manager, but I'm not calling. I'm calling you to go home. I just got a call from the club you're at in January. So wait a second. I'm in the middle of eating my wife's asshole and you called me to tell me I got to make a video for January. Why are you managing me? Not once did one of those agents ever say to me, bro, go out there and be funny. And that's what we've forgotten. It's the fucking media. It's the Instagram. Lee, I just. I just want you to be fucking. Remember what I'm telling you. Send out those envelopes to a commercial agent and just right now fucking be funny. Do something I didn't do. Explore every fucking topic. Okay. Explore every fucking topic from now on. Whatever, because it's a new world. You can explore PayPal. You can explore Uber Eats. You know, it's a whole different fucking game now. You're about to get married. That's going to give you a ton of material. When your wife's not around. No, she doesn't give a shit. No, no, no. But it's also. But trust me, there's going to be some shit you're going to pick up that you don't want around. You're going to fucking look both ways. Dude, I have one of my funniest jokes. It's about her parents dying. So I don't. Oh, Jesus. I don't give a shit at all. She's really cool. But you're about to get married. You're about to go to honeymoon. You know, you're about to do all these things that are new to you. Touch on them, because this is. I think we just lose. Remember we. Comedy's about you. Mm-hmm. Comedy's about me. You know, like, how is this affecting my shit every fucking day? You know, how am I affecting it? Right. You know, how am I. Like, I was thinking from that perspective lately. Like, how did I affect not voting for fucking Jack Chick? He's down 300,000 votes. It's all because you didn't vote for him. You know, do I feel guilty now about not registering and vote? Nah, I'm going to stay a fucking felon. Right. I'm going to stay a felon. You follow me? That should be. That's the new name of the tour, the felon tour. Yeah, the felon tour. Oh. But you know what's cool for me is, like, I'm finally. Like, I'm in my, I think, ninth year. I don't even know. But, like, now, like, if I have a joke that doesn't work, like, I know it's going to come back, and it'll work at some point. Like, it's. It's, like, there's jokes that I'm doing now that I had the idea of, like, six, seven years ago, and I just wasn't. Like, I didn't know how to make the joke. And now, like, one of my biggest laughs I get. We told you that. Yeah, I love that. That you're not good enough to deliver that joke. You're like, you'll say it, and they're like, fucking nobody laughed. But three people laughed. And they'll go, bro, we love that joke. But you're the only motherfuckers who laugh at it. And then you're going to save it, and one night, now, you're going to connect them. Or tie it in, or now you see it from a different perspective. You're going to blur it out, and that joke's going to fucking kill you. That's the rest of your fucking career. And it's also, like, I'm really not scared to say anything, but I had a situation this weekend. Where I had a show at a weed store, and a homeless guy just, like, the window was open for some reason. And it was, like, 30 degrees out, the window was open, and this homeless guy just started talking to me. And I, like, normally, like, I had other shows where, like, I would, like, I was thinking about it. Like, I could have told him to go away, or, like, someone could have scared. I started talking to him. You did. When you told me on the phone, I was so happy. Because you're finally starting to get it. There's comedians that are dying so bad. There's comedians that are dying so bad on stage, they wish a homeless guy would open the window. Oh, I want to bring him with me. That was the funniest 10 minutes I've ever had. The thing that you forgot about the audience, and turned it into him, that's a gift. I'm happy you did it that way. Because you could have pandered the audience, "What's this homeless guy doing here? I should have just stayed in California." You went and nookied up to him. "So what do you think? How long have you been homeless for?" And the people. That's so funny. I thought. I got a piece of ass. About three months ago, I raped a chick down by the waterfront, and they'll say shit like that. That's what comedy is, guys. Dude, he came up to me, he asked me what I was. I was talking about jerking off, and I asked him the last time he jerked off. I said, "When was the last time you jerked off out there?" He says, "Oh, I jerk off all the time to scare people away, to stay sane." There was that. And then, I don't think he was too happy with me. He's like, "Where are you from?" And I told him Massachusetts, and he had never heard of it. And he's like, "Oh, Massachusetts." He's like, "Oh, the suburbs." He's like, "You've never been on the dark side, have you? You've never seen the darkness." The joke I had is I dated a black girl in college, and that got a big laugh. But he's like. I was like, "I don't want to. " He's like, "You don't know what the dark side is." How you get rid of them is give them about 20, and tell them to go buy a sandwich. Now the audience applauds. You're a hero. You gave the homeless guy. Now you got to hunt them down afterward to get it back. That's the fucking problem you got. Oh, but I was able to go dark. And this is not a joke. I normally. But it's like. It's a thought I've had, but as soon as he left, I was like, "You know what? Good for him for not killing himself." That would never work in a real show, me saying, "Why don't homeless people kill. " But in the moment, that's what I wasn't good at before, was being in the moment. And it was. I had so much fun, and I listened back to it, and I was kind of mad at myself. I should have gone in different directions in the moment, but it was like one of the most fun I've had onstage at a weed store, and a homeless guy. I'm hoping the video's going to come out. Well, see, because they were filming it, but it was fucking crazy. You know, it's really weird how you don't know how bad of a comic you are until you actually pay money to go see a comic, and the waitress drops her tray. And this guy could attack it from a thousand ways. There's some comics that won't address it. There's some comics that are dying onstage, that they're waiting for that to happen, because now they could torture somebody for eight minutes and get a new start from there. And then there's guys that'll take that and really take it to another level. Like, never mind, because they were dying. They don't even need that. But it made such a commotion in the room. Two people got up and did this, and the lady over here wiped her face. I got to address it. When somebody has a fucking heart attack during your show, you got to fucking address it. Holy shit. But that's what I was saying earlier, about going to see comedy live. Regular shows are great. And I know you've told a story about that woman who gave you the blowjob in between shows. But have you had a situation like that, like a crazy thing happened while you were onstage that you just had to address? Anything come to mind? I would have addressed the guy getting a handjob at my show, if there was only four other people in the audience. A guy got a handjob at your show? Yeah, at an open mic in the city at one in the fucking morning, Lee. 1:30. Close to the Bowery down there. I just forgot where the fuck it was. Yell Triple N. Holy shit. And you just let it happen? You could see it from stage, but you just let it happen? How bad do you feel if you're sacrificing your life for this thing called stand-up, you're number 82 on a list of fucking. 85. 85. Now you go up on stage, there's four people left. You're obviously eating a bag of dick. But to really shit on your day, you look over and there's a black hooker giving an old man a handjob with glasses on. And a smile. Yeah, he was like older than me, like 80, with glasses. He had like three hairs. And he was just sitting there like petrified. And she's giving him a handjob, covering it, but you could see her hand moving. And she's looking at me like, "Yeah." Just three more minutes. Three more minutes of this shit. And he came, and she just got up and left. So I didn't know if she came in with him. Or if she just came in and sat next to the lonely guys and said, yeah. Holy shit. So how bad would you feel about your career? At that point, I didn't have the chops to even go, hey, you're getting a handjob here. I didn't even have the chops to say that. Right. I would have probably melted or fucking ate a bag of even more dicks. So, yeah, there's times. But after a while, there's some shit you address to get attention. Like you're dying. Is that an Italian shirt you have on? You know, whatever. Right. But there's some shit that organically happens. That organically happens. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're not forcing it. So you have to address it. Or don't. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying that I would. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. Because at one point, I would have tried to drag him into a window. You know, that's fucking brilliant. At one time, you'd light up a joint, give it to him. Oh, we should have. We had a joint. God damn it. We should have given it. And that's your whole act. Yeah. And you're not worried about the audience laughing. You're worried about the fucking thing. You know, I watched an interview one time. You don't know what I'm talking about. George knows. Maybe Nick knows. After they shoot Sonny on the causeway. I saw an actor's studio with Robert Duvall. And Robert Duvall was talking about his, like the guy goes, when you were. Do you enjoy rehearsing? You know, that guy with the glasses, Lipton. Oh, I love that, yeah. And he goes, something about, yeah, I enjoyed it for theater and stuff. But for some movies we did, some we didn't. And he goes, but particularly The Godfather. He goes, I liked rehearsing until I rehearsed with Marlon Brando. Because you could rehearse 80 times. And when that camera shut on, that motherfucker did something completely different. To keep you guessing. Right. You were fucking, you know. And he goes, well, give us. Give us an example. And he goes, when he comes down in that scene, I'm drinking. At one point, he just decides to take the cup from me. He goes, I didn't know what to do. Thank God I stayed in character. And he goes, it was brilliant what came out of his mouth. That shit wasn't even close to what we were supposed to say. And then he came back to it. And he goes, call the cemetery. The guy, tell him he owes the favor. That's brilliant shit. You're keeping even the people around you. They don't know. Right. That's why I love when people go, hey, do you know what you're going to be talking about tonight? Or how much time you're doing. Yeah. Listen, let's go. We're having a great time here. If we're having a great time, I'll do close to an hour 20. If I'm really in the moment. Because I feel after an hour 20, that's it. Yeah, that's a good amount. What should be coming out of my mouth after that should be even more heat. And it's not. So now your batting average goes from 500 to 320. To keep it at 500 and get off. Let them want more. If I'm sometimes I know I'm on fire and I know I got 30 minutes, but I got them at such a peak. I cut them off at the hour. Yeah, they got they just got cut off when Soprano came in and the guy walked in and the camera shut off. That's it. They don't know. They just gave me a better response. I thought they would give to my closer. So I shut it down. See, that's I still fuck up sometimes. But that's a great thing. Yeah. But it's nine years compared to 30. Right. Oh, I know. You follow me. Don't ever. Don't ever. And don't ever judge. I could go at the 10 year mark. I had nothing on you at the 10 year mark. I had a pilot that I was almost thrown off the set for bad of acting. I was. I had a movie that almost got fired from for stealing all the roller skates. And I. But the only thing I shot was mad TV. OK. That helped me because it was in the comedy realm realm realm now. And at the time. Mad TV was still hot. The Sopranos was hot. And I did a Soprano sketch. So it was perfect. All the fucking trees were aligned. But beside that, you're a cunt tearaway from getting it from getting into a club. That will give you four spots in a week. Oh, OK. What's at the same place? I love that. Whether it's Gotham, whether it's a stand, whether it's New York Comedy Club, you're at a cunt tearaway from getting three or four spots a week. And other spots that you'll hustle. And then you'll see the growth. But I tell you what. Again, this is a comedy podcast. It's all about life. It all gets better in time. Don't put an expiration date on your fucking dream. Oh, never. It's time. Dog. If. That's why I didn't like you calling yourself a hobbyist. Because that's not an expiration date. That's a fucking. A hypothesis. You know, when I worked. You saw the difference. There's a different. Yeah, I know what you're saying. OK, so that was. That was seven to four spots a week. Every week since we met. Yeah. You saw that. This is no lie. This is no. And you're a professional. You're touring. You're touring. Right now, I'm just having what? Rocky in the beginning. Hammonagor. Hammonagor. I'm in Hammonagor. I'm in Hammonagor. I'm in Hammonagor. I'll get lucky and sell some tickets at the right places at the right time. And I still go out there and give it 100% of what I could do the best I can. Am I Joe Diaz from 2019? No. But sometimes I get there. Yeah. Sometimes on a good night, I get there. And lately, I've been getting there. I'm honest with the audience, you know. And that's the best thing you can do. But this, George is an artist. My art and his art is the same. It's the same. It's the same. It covers two different things. But art will always be art. You know, when you go to jiu-jitsu, you learn an armbar from one guy. You learn an armbar from another guy. It's completely different. But guess what? It's an armbar. Motherfucker's tapping for his elbow. That's an art. It's two different ways, and it's live. Right. It continues to change and evolve and grow. That's art. George will tell you what he does now. We had a discussion of his job this weekend. Framing and fucking plunges and inches and whatever. You know, ask him if he could have done that 25 years ago. Because he's been doing that. If I'm doing comedy 35, he's doing that 40 fucking years. Wow. Yeah, and that's the dream. And it's, does that, do you ever get pissed off? Because you, with that, like, you're this good now, but you're in your 60s? Let's, let's, let's speak. Let's speak some fucking truth here, okay? The truth of the matter is. It took me 14 years to get a feature movie, but guess what? Nobody knew who I was. I was the fat, funny guy. And it took 21 years for anybody to know my name. How many people could do something for 21 years and be enthusiastic when nobody knows you? What was your name? B-Rock. You met me about that time. I was three years sober on Coke, and I was on the uptick. And I had a vision, and I, I knew that if I could get something out there completely different than what everybody else was doing. Everybody's always trying to be funny. Guess what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna tell them about my life. And that's not that fucking funny. Yeah, we got some funny shit. Right. But it ain't that funny. So when everybody else is dying, I'm gonna tell them about my life. I was trying to make you laugh. I was trying to make you cry. I was trying to show you. So I figured that out. You know, I like boxing. And HBO, the thing, they always have that one-on-one with the boxer. You can hate this guy. And all of a sudden, he's got nine kids, and he works at UPS. And his wife died, and he has to raise the kids by himself. And he trains, and he's become this athlete with all these abstractions in his life. Whether you like this dude or not, you like him. You have some form of respect for him. Right. And that's all I wanted to do, was let people know, yeah, I'm a felon. I made some mistakes. But let me tell you what led up to that. And then we'll take it from there. And our stand-up came into the realm. Mm-hmm. So it was 21 years, Lee. It was 2011, 2012. That's 22 years. And this is movies, TV shows, Mad TV, Ralphie, Joe Rogan. It just wasn't clicking. What are you doing? What do you mean by not clicking, Joey? Something wasn't clicking. And to answer your question, I wasn't selling tickets. Right. Which is, like, the only thing they care about. That they care about. I did not know that. Okay. In my stupid, naive head, I thought the funniest guy in the room got the nod. Right. But it doesn't work like that no more. If you want to put the work in, like Andrew Dice Clay put the work in the East Coast. Once he conquered the East Coast, he took his party out to the West Coast, and he already had momentum. But he developed at Long Island, Pips, Rascals, Atlantic City, and New York City clubs. Maybe. I think he just stayed in Brooklyn. Right. So at one point, right now, you're just going through rounds. But at one point, you're going to actually see the playing field and how you're going to play it. You know, I only got one good running back. I got no blocking, and I got three guys that could catch a fucking meteor, you know? You got to work with what you got. Right now, keep doing what you're doing. You're going to be funny. Right now, you're not trying to sell tickets. No. Even if they put you on one last episode of Last Comic Standing and you got to go out there and then half the room, it's not worth it. I'd rather you blood, sweat, and tears. So no matter what, at the end of this war, you know that you did the best you can. That's all. We did the best we could with what we could. There's comics that are fucking huge. You think I sit at home at night crying and going, that could have been me if it wasn't for the pandemic. That couldn't be me if it wasn't. No, I didn't want to be that. I was happy with what I had. I knew where I came from. It would have been a better story if I was selling arenas and Rocky came out with the American flag and all that. That would have been great. But you know what? I'd rather have what I got. I'm happy. And look, I'm in love with comedy again. That's awesome. With the root of comedy. Not. Everything else. The root of comedy. Looking at certain words, trying different things, talking about myself, about things I never even dreamt of talking about. They're not nasty. I would say the nasty shit. Now I got to say the good shit and try to make it funny. It's all different adjustments, man. And listen, you're doing your spots. Just keep doing what you're doing. Thank you, dude. Where you going for Thanksgiving? I'm staying local. We're going to be on Long Island. My mom's coming up. We'll see what happens. I got tomorrow. Tonight, I'll be at Shiva's. Tomorrow night, Wednesday night, with you at Parks. And then we'll see what happens. That's it. That's all we got, man. And listen, we've been doing this podcast for a long time. Fucking happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Remember, this Wednesday, Philadelphia, Pars Casino. Still tickets available. And then December 5th, we're at the Pantheon at Caesars, Virginia. And Danville. Listen. That's a great place. It's a beautiful fucking place. It's going to be a great show. I got some good comics coming down. If you got the time and you got in your budget, come on. If not, I'm coming back, and I'll see you the next time. And that's it. I had a great time today. Love it. And go to the right website. Make sure you go to the actual, the casino's website. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be fucking around. Punch in fucking Caesars. What is it called? Caesars at the Pantheon at the Caesars, Virginia. It's a beautiful theater. Fucking come on out and have a great time. If you have any suggestions of where to eat, please put them on my Twitter or my Facebook page or Instagram me. And that's it, brother. I love it. Good to see you, dude. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to all you motherfuckers from a Catholic and a Jew. Who's better than you? Nobody. Have a great week. Stay black. Have a great week.