The BIG Payoff

What's happened, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, June 2nd. And yes, the rent is due. Uncle Joey here to bring another fun-filled episode of the church, or what's happening now, new edition, whatever. I don't know. My man, Lee Syatts here, my trusted little Jewish Kato. Hello. And we're back from a beautiful weekend. What up, Lee Syat? Tell me something, brother. I had a good weekend. I know, when I act for the first time, you have the drive 10 hours. That mall is fucked up. Have you been, like, do you ever go on the mall? Do you just go on the back and then, and it's like on the back. I don't need to walk in the mall. You walk the one more you see them all. Dude, that mall, they don't have working escalators on the first floor. I was thinking about you the entire time. I was like, there's no way he went, you have to go upstairs, you have to walk up the escalator. That's where the first floor they got no use for me. Oh my God. I've learned to hate stairs more more like, like, take like, sometimes I walk like I go on my whoop and it says, high stress. I go, I got no, high stress. Oh, I had been for that place before. It was like he stairs. It just jumps, especially with my knee now. I don't, I don't want to deal with it, man. Yeah. Yeah. Good shows. It was good. Yeah. Yeah. Friday was, you know, I was, I was happy. The Friday was a two-man show and it was the best. Those two-man shows are tough. Like, opening up and then doing half an hour is, I did take in some getting you, like, I'm just, I think that's like, I mean, we've, you've talked about it to me for the entire time I've done standup, but hosting is like the hardest part for me. It's, because I'm not a super high energy person. And when you see, listen, listen, you can't keep telling me this. I'm not a super whatever person. But for that particular job, that's what it means. Oh, and I've gotten better at it. But, yeah, but it's got to pick it up a little bit. Yeah. You know, they just got driving. You got to, the opening position is the hardest, but once you never master it, you just get really good on it. And then it works on every other thing. You're going to drag that into feature. Yeah. You're going to drag that into headline. That's called slowing people down. Yep. Slowing people down. I'll give you an example. The greatest mob boss of all time. He would always have his wife answer the door. Yeah. Because she was a sweet old lady. And she would defuse the situation, Carlo Gambino. And she would defuse the situation at the door. Whatever you were thinking about, wherever you were thinking of stabbing or who you're going to rob, it stopped at that door. And she climbed you and she gave you a tee. I know. I just want to talk to George. You were going to, I wasn't the mother's talking to you about it. But it's slowing you down. And it's the same thing with people. They just drove. The kid didn't know where they were going when they got in the car. You know, doubt their regular people on a Friday or Saturday. Yeah. You're going to slow them down. Make them feel welcome. It takes you've got to some of these house. They say sit on a glass of water takes 25 seconds. Yeah. And you left. You used to do that with the podcast. We love that studio in L.A. All the studios. But the last one, we had a couch there. Like tonight felt like that kind of night because we'd get there for eight. But we didn't start the podcast at 10. We get to the mouth. Concert. We watch everything before the podcast. Yeah. And then we get to a conversation to guess what we tape and not what the fuck. Yeah. We forget that we weren't taping, but that's all it is. Is reading people like when you go to a restaurant, you walk in. You're like, man, we're five minutes later. I'm going to give away the table. I'm also the girl. Gretchen. She got the best mom in the world. Yeah. That's fine. You're early. If you want to sit at the bar and get a drink, you want me to get you something here. And all of a sudden, whatever you were thinking about just disappeared. And hosting is like the one thing. I don't steal material, but hosting I steal when I see someone do something good as a host, I steal that way more than I like take like influences. It's like a move or it's a move or like come back or preparation. This guy who opened for Ari Maddie. His name is Fuzz. He's a door guy at the mothership. But he, he would do this one thing. And I steal it now. He had them clap on three. And I don't do it every time. But I felt when he did it, like I just felt like all the audience like kind of like focused in and like got together. I was like, Oh, shit, that's a good one. So sometimes if I'm gotten good, but like, so just like little things like that as a host, I steal little moves. That should be a glass. Yeah. Tip your glass for something so stupid. You know what I'm saying? Like today is the day pop I got killed by Pluto in 1944. And they'll just look at you. That's the human that you're taking a minute from, you know, like somebody famous died. Like didn't someday somebody died and somebody else died. And nobody talked about Farrah. Michael Jackson died. So the whole world was looking at Michael Jackson and hit Farrah for us. It was dead. Oh, really? I don't know. Yeah. It's the same fucking thing. Yeah. Sort of. So that's smart. It's interesting shit to world, man. So that way. Yeah. It was a great weekend. How are you doing, dude? I've been kicking the knee. I fucked up boxing last week. He's twisting and shit. But uh, but he's okay. Yeah. No, it wasn't. It was not not happening. No, I just Jesus Christ. You over did it. You have a certain amount in your leg. And every day you have to pace yourself. But someday as you feel better, you got a good night sleep, wife sucked your dick, you know, something cookies you want it. So you go in there and you're feeling good. And even though this happens, it happens to be a lot after 45. No matter Jiu-Jitsu, whatever I'm doing, you go, you have a certain time because you know, you have to recover at a certain age, but then at the same time, Pedro walks in. He's like, hey, Joey, you have a really nice book. You're missing the snap on your jab. The next thing that we work on about my next thing, you know, he wants to put it into practical use. So now we're there in another three rounds, throwing punches. I'm not built for that. I get my body had enough of 44 minutes. Yeah. Now I'm at 54 minutes. I feel good. I feel young. Look, I'm doing what the young kids do in your head. Do you get in your car and then get out the first time to get something to drink. And you're like, I can't get out of the car. I can't get out of the fucking car. Yeah. You have to pick one leg up and then the other leg put it across here. So that's all I did. It wasn't nothing like I heard it. No. It swole up. I went to PT. They worked it. And I just took the weekend off. I only walked at my daughter's shop. Okay. Are you doing, um, acupuncture? Yeah, but not now. It's a metal leg that doesn't work. It was metal legs. Well, she wanted to do it the first week. But I was kind of like a guest that I wanted to take all the anesthesia out of me and all that shit. Okay. I go again this week and this week she'll probably stab me a little bit. You've done that the entire time I've known you, acupuncture. I'm cleaning from Coke 19 years in November. I've been doing acupuncture for 20 years straight. Damn. Except the pandemic. Really? Oh, yeah. Nobody was going to touch you. And look, what do you notice with acupuncture? I look at my legs and they're not my legs when I was 400 pounds. Did you have the really thick legs? I had the really thick calves. Oh, I'm good for you. Yeah. You know, you don't want those fat fucking calves. You ever go eat something? And you look down and some ladies got big fat calves and you're like, you just throw your cheeseburger away. You're like, you know, it's the moment that I yanky game. The chick's feet was swollen. She had everything. Diabetes. She had malandala. She had a toe missing. It wasn't healing. And then a tattoo that was pink on her foot to try to throw you off of the fucking diabetic curse she's going through. So I didn't like that. I didn't like I had stains against the wall. My legs. So I had her break that up. Oh, dude. That's one thing that's like, you know, when you're shopping for a car and then you see that car everywhere, you, you, it's like a curse you put on me is you showed me those legs and L.A. once. And now as a fat guy, it's all I see anywhere. And it's like those like the bed. They call it like lymphedema or something. And then like it's all it's all bruised up. She'll kill you. Oh, she'll kill you more. And look what they're saying now. Sugar cocaine is better than doing sugar. If you do coke, you're in better hands. And if you do sugar, where did you see that? It's all over the place. It's on my drug dealers house. Dude, I feel like Instagram does that. Don't put stuff up there. Like, bro, the whole world. No one looks right. And anyway, for the to be fair, dude, it's really the last 30 days a hot chick hits me up every day to want to follow me. And I keep looking. Why? I don't know if they hookers. It doesn't even say hook or go to this page or Lincoln Den or fuck it. You know, they usually bots. But maybe who knows? What do you mean? I had a poor, I got a poor weekend check on that every day. She just rolls the dress on and gives her measurements. She wants somebody to put in her ass, you know, oh, that might be real. That was it backwards. And you're like, you know, I don't need this a seven, 30 in the fucking morning. I can't handle that shit no more. Some chick shaking up and down. But yeah, you know, you can't read none of that. You're going to read a book. Well, you don't even know anymore, but I get accurate fucking news. Oh my God. And that's what sucks right now. So you just got to, you know, I usually just go to whatever Yahoo. You're still on Yahoo. You're really loyal. And then I fucking. You're the last guy who goes to Yahoo.com every morning. And you go to that thing that it gives you the AI explanation to it. Okay. And that's how I know of you bullshit me. You know, are people hitting you up for like AI stuff? Like for you to like to take to like film yourself. So you can be in movies without being in them, anything like that. I can't hit up for so many crazy things that you guys would never ever even imagine. Okay. Like if I talk about some on the podcast, that's how I know it. It's like the three weeks I got peptide information, which I got to talk to you guys about later. Like people who hit me up for peptide questions. Hey, man, I don't live in Jersey. I can't go to underground nutrition. Is there any place else you could recommend the place I was using without a business? Right. Oh, fine. Because though, GOP1 was off for something like that. So now when you go on Instagram, every third ad is someone in this, that this, that everybody can't have other person pure. No. So half these things, you send the fucking 50 bucks and they're saying you're like powder and you mix it. You don't know where you're shooting to be very careful. You ever buy anything from Instagram? I would have been shocked if you said yes. I've got intrigued a couple times. The only thing I want from Instagram is a knee brace. And it worked. That was the one they sent you right now. I'm like family with them. Yeah. I bought a knee brace from them and they took care of me as host ideas. They did not know I would joke. So I went back to them like, well, thank you. They sent a knee brace. It wasn't right. And they sent two more. Nice. And they told me to keep that one. Most people tell you, ship it back or whatever. When you lose weight, see if it's like they're really nice guys. But I see 22 ads. We're knee brace. Yeah. Oh yeah. And not all of them could be fucking fantastic. No. Everybody's lab tested. There's everything. But I don't see the paperwork. I want to see this shit. I'm talking about how it's lab tested and this. Oh, we got limited report on the car. It's in the office. I don't need that. Bring it over here. I don't need in the office. You try this old car. Yeah. Oh, we can't find it. We sent it to the insurance company. Where's the mannequin? Where's the mechanics fucking report here? Yeah. Yeah. Where's the car fax? Where's the car fax? So it's always something. Yeah. So that's why I don't even want to get involved. Like, the reason I was going to talk to them today, but I don't have all the info on me. It's because of growl. I've known it since I met here. I go to a dad's gym. You know, I'm real tight with a dad and she cuts hair. So she used to cut my hair. The other sister has a, a lot of these studio and the other sister's like a lawyer. But it's like a really fitness like the father does 80 laps before he leaves the house. When the pool, he eats 30 eggs a day. Damn, he has 10 different, different type of eggs. So he knows what egg type of egg he wants to eat that day. Protein is big with them. So she started a peptide company. I took her out the dinner about eight weeks ago because she, you know, we were just talking. I said, I haven't spoken to you. We said, we went on a Tuesday night and we fucking talked about peptides and stuff. And she goes, I have an idea. And she put together, but she told me it took a 16 months of research. Okay. Because she didn't want nobody getting sick or anything like that. So the company, she went in, she bought part of it to check all the stuff. So she's part of the organization. And I just called her the other day. I need a, I need NAD. I don't know when I get NAD. Good NAD. And she goes, I got it for you. Joy and I met that is an AD for your fucking, for all the guys. It's cellular. Maintenance shit. Okay, cells don't ask me. No, because I'm just like, I never cared. It's not that I haven't cared about my health. But honestly, not really. To be, I mean, I have, I don't want to die. But like, I've never enjoyed working out. I've never enjoyed doing anything. And like the last year, like I've started to, like, I feel like when you get to like 40s when, like, people start to be like, okay, maybe I should start looking into this a little bit. I should have done it earlier. But it's yeah, I don't know. Listen, man, I fell in love with comedy and fitness, not fitness. The menu went out the window. I always walked. I always had a car in Hollywood. That's Josh Wolf. I would have walked from this house with comedy store back to Ralphies back. You know, I was one of those idiots at night. I didn't have a car. I used to walk home. Tuesday nights, you had a walk in between that and that place, the sushi place. That's how happened. I just see if you were going to do, there was four people to do a show. Because they wouldn't pick up the phone at the comedy store. Of course. So you had to walk back and for it. There's, you know, people don't do around 98, but I just started putting on weight and there was sleep at me, a portion of it and me just, you know, it's that menu. If you do comedy six nights a week and you eat the food at the comedy clubs, you can't, you know, and it's all fried, but you're starving, starving. You don't have a lot of money. So you feel, oh, it's fish. I'm healthy. But it's fried fish from a fucking river behind the comedy club, you know, God forbid, like even, like, what about New York coming? I've never lived anywhere that had food like New York. L.A. was great and had great Mexican food, great sushi, but you walk in New York. Yeah, then thank God. I would be 800 pounds. Yeah, if you walk in New York, that's the between New York and L.A. If you want to walk in New York, if you want it, you got it. Yeah, yeah. Walks are broken. If you want it, you got it. So that alleviates that one hot dog you may have. It's three under calories, you know, you walk for an hour and then you got on the train, plus your sweat, plus your, you know, there's so much things going on. So yeah, but it's just, I let the food dominate at me, for I love food. But I gotta catch myself, like anybody else. At one point you know, you don't know what it is. It could be when you're 32. I lived with George when I was 32. I was from Croatia. But when I was with George in 93, I had no money. I would have to walk from Cliffside Park, five. Listen to me. I'm Bergen Boulevard all the way down to 68th Street and walked down a hill because the gym was on Tully Avenue, but it was for free. They didn't charge me to work out. From there I'd walk back to Hashways and deliver sandwiches for two hours. And then after that, you walked. I had to walk home and there was nobody around. I had to walk to Cliffside because I'd rather keep that dollar. But later, I might need that dollar to go to the city. When you're looking at dollars like that. Yeah. So walking became second. It'll save you. That's a fuck. When I drive it now, I'm like, I can't believe I used to walk this. When I walk up, when I drive up 76 hill, Street Hill on a Monday, I go, I cannot believe we would walk down this hill to get beer and then the crazy thing walked back up the hill with three cases of beer and a bag of ice and a bottle of jack. Who does that? But it was a different generation and people fucking walked. Yeah. And people walked now. What am I saying? I'm sounding like an idiot. Certain places you live at, you're going to be forced to walk. But even in the city, we were saying yesterday, Peter, I don't know if you've seen it, but like the city's kind of dead in the winter and the winter and like early spring when it's cold. The last couple of days in the city, there's been people walking people are out because they fucking stay in when it's 20 degrees because that's that's the what will get you. Like is trying to win when like I'll open up to it. Like now I'll go to shows at all night. That'd be sometimes if it's snowing and it's eight degrees, I'm not going on up. No, I listen, I can't get mad at you for that. Some people react better to the winter. You know, if you're in two nights and it's 10 degrees, eventually, Wednesday, you're going to go, I'm going out. Yeah. It's got to put some fucking muffins on and shit. But we're talking about health and walking. That's, that's, that's, you know, at one point, you just change your lifestyle around. See, I used to walk, but I tell you what happened to me is I got over, you ain't got to believe this shit. I'd walk the cocaine and all the paranoia all those years, walking in Harlem, Georgia, tell you what a walkman now I can't walk with my ears covered. Don't trust it. I don't know if I'm going to sneak up behind me. I don't trust the cars. No more than I walk opposite. Even when I ride my bike in California, you think I ride on the bike lane. Yeah, but on the opposite way, I want to see you cover that. I don't want you behind me. No, I never want you behind me. So that, you know, listen, health is whatever the fuck you want it to be. George hasn't lived through the weight in his life. He smokes my bro reds. I think there's definitely a lot. George doesn't give a fuck about anything. He'll eat fruit when he's in the mood, you know, listen, like George's going to tell you, I had four grams of fruit and six grams of tuna. You know, so George told me because we've been driving, we spend a lot of time together recently because we drive down here. George. George has like routines that I didn't even as a fat guy. I never had it. He's like, I have my nightly chocolate cake. He goes, he goes and don't get me started on the fucking Faggy tee. He has. And you call him. He's like, I'm just getting ready with a cup of tea. And I can actually see him spending the thing around it. It's George. It gets caught and shit. He can't figure it out. George is a different planet and listen. This shit with the tickets is the only thing that'll blast him out of the house. George does not leave the house unless three quarters of a pack of cigarettes down and six or seven coffees, four coffees, you know, that's George. But that's what makes George George. George loves that shit. He gets up in the morning. He doesn't even piss. He just rolls over and lights a cigarette right there in the bed. He rubs his feet and he just [LAUGHTER] and he'll find no reason to get up. George, the car's coming to get you in a clock. Yeah, he'll just light up another cigarette, meditate. And then that three to eight, you'll pop it on that bed and everything. He's like Superman, the hair is fucked up. You know, some people could do that shit, but everything's gonna catch up with you guys. No matter what you do, it's gonna catch up with you. I'm not a fucking smart guy. But I know that ever since I turned 50, I got a little concerned. And then when I had that lunatic upstairs, I got a little bit more concerned 'cause you don't want your kid finding you in the kitchen the way I found my mother on the floor. Right. Okay, that, you can't bring that back. So you start thinking, you know, like, I can't eat late at night. But it's just the best time to eat. That's when my mom died three in the morning, making fucking steak and eggs and some shit. Who does that? Who comes home at three in the morning and decides to what she did that all the time? Like, my mom didn't come home and make a sandwich. She cooked, like, if you guys were coming over, ain't nobody coming over. So in the morning, who's coming over? Why are you done? She's back there fucking banging potato. What are you doing? Well, in the morning, that was her world. I don't know. And it was, that's when people died. And when you eat and go right to bed in your old. Like, yeah, if you don't, you die unless you do a line of coke to move shit around and you're up to eat in the flood of morning. Doesn't move shit around? Yeah, but when I was a kid, people would do a line of coke at the table. Not white kids, my family, my parents, my stepdad. They would do coffee before coffee and that guava. They'd do a little bump just to taste, just to move shit around in your stomach. And you hear your stomach start going black out, and then you get up and you go shit and you come back in this round too. - Of what? Coker? - No, a food. - Okay. - Offie, guava with shells. This, that, this, you know. (laughing) - It's fucking crazy. - Can you imagine what your daughter and her friends would do if someone did coke at the table with them? - They couldn't. - Listen. I went somewhere the other day and people get into this argument. I was getting into it with people. George, can I get a water when you get in the minute? I was getting into this argument with people six years ago. When I moved here, I did not understand the concept of kids. But George, we went out every day. You know, when I give parents, it's not parents fault. It's where society shipped it, thank you, Peter. It's where society shipped it. So you don't see kids at night walking around, but they do other goofy things. They go to the wall wall and hang out like we did in front of a pizza place. - Yeah, I went to, I went to the mall. I don't know if you guys did that, but that when I started middle school, that was a place to go. - We had no fucking one. We were around this mall. Unless we weren't gonna rob it, we ain't gonna walk. So, you see these kids and I have a child and I go all around the country, they're going to Kentucky. Peter said, "Do you want to go eat lunch?" And I go driving that residential neighborhood. Not one kid, not one basketball court. But when I moved here and I saw that, Jersey was like this on my, I was flabbergasted. Even as a fucking regular guy, like something's not right. The whole kid thing has evolved and as a parent, even as an old mule like me, you have to accept it. - Yeah, there's no point. - Kids, I could throw mercy out of here every day at 3.30. There was another kid out there. She didn't go to school last week. It was a half day. New Jersey state, they told him. He finished the test. He needs to come in. Not one kid stayed home. She was all alone. At 12 o'clock, she's like, "Dad, they don't want to school. They lied to me." Where's she? What did you expect? Kids go to school and they don't have to? Yeah, like they went to schools like I happened day. Two Fridays ago was some shit for mothers there. I don't fucking know what it was. - That's fucked up. - The mom was out at 10 o'clock and said, "Stay home." We stayed up late watching and fight club. Not Scarface, we watched Scarface last week. - That's terrible. - But listen, she watched Scarface. She has to write a review. Did I tell you what she wrote? I tell you more fucking how her review was. I don't know how I thought about this movie. I don't know if I enjoyed it or whatever. But when we wrote this movie, their mother should have taught you more manners. You shouldn't treat women like that. - Wow. - That's what she saw. She goes to two smacks of the faith. The way he would treat his sister in the way, he goes, "I didn't like it that." That's what you saw at 13. I saw a bunch of people throwing coke. I wish I was there, but you saw this. Okay. So do you see what they're seeing? They're seeing something completely different. - Yeah. - That was a bridge. - She came to me three weeks ago and she goes, "Dad, I want to see this band and they're playing again May 29th. Can you take me?" They're all fans of yours. I go, "Yeah, I'll take you." So Friday came, we got dressed. I didn't do no mushrooms. I didn't do no edibles. I wanted to full experience. I was gonna get to see my daughter and for a natural habitat with a bunch of the 13, 14, 15 year old. So we get in, I meet the band, the kids fucking dynamite. I didn't know what to expect. I went there because there was nothing else to do. And I'm taking my daughter. I could have stayed in the car or I could have dropped her on. It's on my bag. I stayed there and watched the first off, the band was sensational. They would call it crazier, Enzo and his little brother, but this fucking other kid, the leader of the band was fucking great. And then they started performing. And I saw the songs they were putting out. They put out a death-lappage song in 1979. Their parents weren't alive when that song came out. Never mind them. Are these people in Mercy's age? Mercy's 13, she's the youngest one. Mercy's girlfriend in my school that hangs with us. She took Mercy to the first one. Mercy became friends with the one guitar player. They started talking. Then Mercy had a block 'em 'cause she said he was too needy. She didn't like 'em, so I was trying to talk to him dad, but I can't take this. People call on me all day and stuff, I got shit to do. She's your daughter. And then she blocked them. And the kid was there, and he was out of the stare. And my daughter, my brother, was on. So I just sat there and watched her sing and dance and jump up and down. She's gonna definitely be a fucking groupie. Jesus jumping up and down, like fucking singing all the songs though. That's a different kind of groupie. We came here one day, we put out the teacher on it. She never saw it. They closed it out the teacher, she lost her mind. She looked right at me, she just started dancing like Waldo. They did Mr. Crowley, they did something from Iggy Pop, which I was like, come on man, kids today to know about Iggy Pop. Cut it the fuck out. They were all jumping up and down a drink. Yeah, so I told, I don't know what the fuck that is. The dog and the how I was there. And then I met the parents, the parents are dying. They might thought about George, a lot of single moms, George banging. Banging single moms, a blonde one, very sweet. Everybody was very nice. I bought some water and I bought some popcorn. They gave me some stickers, crazier. And I was home by 9, 45. I feel like you're gonna become their manager. I would love to. I just don't know where to take them. I'm gonna start, like I don't know even a comic. I know what to tell you to say on stage. I know how to, you know, start getting you booked, but I don't know how to get you into a room. Right, that does mean no good. But why would I sign you if I can't get you into a room? I got to get you into a room, you know, a couple of rooms. Right, CBS, HBO here in New York, and I can't get you into a room. I mean, you couldn't. Why would I allow you? Everyone else is fucking crazy. But I would love to take a comedy manager and get like four guys. Or to be a comedy manager. Oh, yeah, four people. I was, I was thinking about this. It's one sees a feature in a headliner. How do you even, I got introduced to one. And I'm not even saying I'm ready for it yet, but like do managers and agents just start approaching you? Am I supposed to submit to people? I don't even know where that even is. I gotta. - It's a fucked up situation. That I can't even start to explain to you because, okay. I get the LA, nobody comedic wise wanted to sign me. So I'm like, all right. How do I get this the actual way? People were talking with meetings with me. They called me in. And it's like, where's your real? Well, I can't get a real until I get an agent. Well, if you haven't real, you can't get an agent. So right there, most people give up. Right, you know, and then you have to think outside the box. Maybe do student films until you get a real, you know. There's so many different things. They usually approach you, okay. They come, they watch a show and they go, I am with this. I'd like to talk to you about maybe managing, you know, becoming your agent. You go home, check them out. You know, you have to slow down a little bit. This guy could just be a fucking idiot, you know. And that's the problem you have at this level, like you're meeting guys with a t-shirt, fucking like, some guy came up to me and he's like, this is my manager. And also with talking, I go, I'm not gonna see you this week. But I'll see you next week goes why were you going I'm going to the Nashville comedy festival the manager goes What's what's the name of the festival? Like he didn't even know there was a Nashville calm. No, I got to sit there and go You're not from me. You've got to go. You saw in your bill of laden. That's the same bill of laden I could sell you, but I can't I could get you into like the three clubs in the city. I can't get you into a the comedy seller shit like that I could do Maybe get you with like a Don't even have those no more like a group of string of gigs Right, you could do and always tell them I'm gonna give you a solid guys I'm not gonna waste your time no balloon acts none of that shit straight up stand up comments. I could do all that shit I could sit with you and maybe That's the other I can't tell you if you suck. I can't look anybody in the face to say your material stuff. Why? Well, I mean, I don't know you sign your material, so I'm not a good fucking feeling Yeah, but I mean if somebody comes to me and says right now, hey, Joe, you fuck me in the ass. You're not good and bad Thank God that's not my primary Focus in life, you know what I'm saying, right? It's not like I have let me fuck you in the ass at your party You know call me for a group of eight and small It says you were bad, but when this is what we do Right, like people like George told me I sucked and friends like grew up in North Bergen. You're like you got a quit man It's not good. Yeah, but I can't tell somebody. I don't know what they're thresholders When you get into this shit Your threshold has to be tough and you have to know what's coming in In the back of your mind the first two years. I was doing comedy. I'm like somebody not draw tomato at me. Hmm eventually One shows and I probably put a hook You know when they fucking hook you around the waist and you're like hold on You know, um all that shit you have to expect that So when you come to me like bomb the other night, they will mean the same for you Yeah, your threshold is not you know this shit Would stand up in the beginning when I was living with George in 93 I bombed every night I bombed every night. It's hoping Mike with five people that don't want to laugh even if you're funny And then you know a bar show once in a while You want to quit every fucking night, but you wake up the next time, but you know what? I'm gonna do this again. Then you do a contest and you you're coming 29.25 And that you know, what do you tell that guy? What do I what do you want to tell them? Well, there's a difference between like two three years in and like eight to 10 like that's like well the two of three years Is the most sensitive time? Yeah, but you don't need a man at that point. I don't want to bump into you one day at a restaurant I'm like Lee. How's the comedy doing? I quit ever since you told me a material song Yeah, you follow where this is going guys. It's not you can't tell somebody a suck I could just call you go to your house force you to read give you the Judy Carter workbook Give you the gene parade workbooks and even that's outdated Right, that's not fair. That's outdated. It's outdated, but I don't but exercise their exercises. Yeah, yeah You could go to a fancy gym and they could do a bench press on it 50 ways, but we all know the flat bench Bench press is the best to build size a Flat bench you and 255 pound weights with 45 and a bar to start out with Right, but that's and then that's what I think I Need in comics at my level need because like you just after like you know six seven years of open mics And you know, maybe you're starting to host a couple places or someone's bringing you out You're doing sets and then but you're like, how do I how do I turn this how do I stop doing my day job? Yeah, how do I not make this my date? How do I make this my day job? patient You'll know when to make them You know and you try to tell people that you know, I could I could go to joy tomorrow Listen my family has a lot of money. I won't learn how to frame. How long's like a frame? That's up to you How long you absorb this? You know, that's up to you. How long and which work you want to put into it when I got into comedy though I was gonna get on stage every other week Not getting results and then you go like get on stage then you see somebody else that gets on stage eight times You go, oh shit. That's the way you're supposed to do it Yep. Oh, I thought it was one spot a week and fucking and then the other thing kicks in, you know, so you think I don't know probably so many questions that people ask me at that level because I don't know how I got through it I know that I was an L.A. and by the by 99 and a half of the two and a half years I realized that I was good enough for the store But not I didn't have what it took to get picked up by a comedy dude. That's crazy You were you got into the store two and a half years in the standup 97 9 9 1/2. I already figured out right Let's be honest Right, but even just imagine that now imagine a two and a half year comic being like I'm good enough that like they would laugh you Out of the state of California if a two and a half year comic, but I'm good enough for the store now No, but I'm sure you were I'm not saying you weren't but it's like it's crazy, but then I was doing comedy Six seven years, okay 98 97 started 91 What's happened you savages uncle Joey here the final round of the basketball season is here and only draft Kings has you fully Covered the draft Kings sports app is now available in all 50 states and includes all markets Feel the action every minute of the series all in one place with one act new Kings draft Kings Nuke draft King customers sign up with coach Joey Joey why and spend five bucks to get two hundred bucks and Rewards with 21 days that's coach Joey and partnership with draft Kings where as usual The crown is yours bet with DK sports book gambling problem called 1-800 gambler 1-800-my-reset, New York called 877-8 hope and wire text hope and why Connecticut called 888-789-7777 were visit ccpg.org on behalf of boothoe casino in Kansas that text passed through may apply in Illinois 21 and over void an Ontario event contract trading with draft Kings predictions involves risk of loss Sportsbook bonus bets expire in seven days $50 in predictions dollars issued weekly for three weeks expire in one year Team won on withdrawal reward availability varies predictions offer void in New York ends June 28 terms at dkng.co/odio Hey, Uncle Joey. I gotta talk to you about something Once you at a certain age summer isn't relaxing anymore unless you got in the cloud in the cloud is everything you need Unwine soda flavoured gummies zero calorie THC's odors vapes pre rolls and flour even their new THC cereal bite edibles listen what's my favorite in the count what's my favorite in the cloud product me I still run with the vampires they're 500 milligrams of full heat and I feel bad for the kitchen at the end of the night Remember all in the cloud products of federally legal THC everything is sold DEA certified and lab tested. I love this company if you're 21 older go to in the cloud.co That's dot CO not dot com and use code church CHURCH for 30% off your first subscription order that's in the cloud dot CO Code church CHURCHCH for 30% off ship routinely and discrepanied to your door plus free gifts on every qualifying order After you order fill out the survey and say the church center Enjoy responsibly and I want to thank in the cloud for sponsoring the podcast Hey, I want to talk to you about some I don't know if you guys know grand theft Diaz is back check But I'm streaming grand theft auto five on twitch check me out at grand theft Diaz That's twitch tv that's twitch dot tv slash grand theft Diaz subscribe for free Get on the chat and play live with me. We're having a blast and if you're already paying farmers on prime Do me a favor and subscribe with prime with your prime membership membership get a free monthly twitch channel subscription again Free monthly twitch channel subscription. So use it now on me Uncle joys your favorite new streamer. So go to twitch dot com slash prime to get started The best way to keep on the streets of Los Santos and out of trouble is joining me on twitch dot tv slash grand theft Diaz Stay black cock suckers. What I'm saying to you is that I don't like I just saw myself already advanced by just being at the store One day I lived to the big picture and every night you go to the commies like last week you called me one day about a certain comedy club And what I was trying to say he was I don't want to ever go to a comedy store And see eight guys there every night going. I'm here to see Pedro I'm here to see George and support George won't watch me and all this shit You know what man? Instead of coming here every night coming one night a week. I'd rather you all go do comedy Listen everybody wants to stake in a lobster tail Some days you got a burrito You with me on this like a my mind eyes instead didn't want me none of the county divisions wanted me But I had a pilot had a commercial So I knew I was on the right track. Maybe they're not ready for me Well, maybe they just don't like me. I'm not gonna worry about them No more either theatrical agent that liked me the coloring book. That's the best theatrical agent I could get the coloring book All their resumes were on different fucking colored paper and shit What was I gonna do what you did was two black women, you know, that one was an attorney and one was and I signed with them I Know they would get me to the next hurdle, right? That's why everybody else was signing with three arts and fucking this company and this guy had a manager. I had nobody And I was like fuck it I'm not gonna worry about that. You know, you're gonna worry about Being funny. Yeah, so let's forget about where you're performing. You got the store I got Willy Bar Senator who gives me two spots a week I got everyone saying one that gives me two or George Perez or Felipe That's all I need and then though. I was never like when all those guys did their rooms on sunset and then come to me And I knew I didn't take it personal Hard not to until people were going to let me go and bro. What's going on? You got put this guy in here. You got every other fucking open It's and that's the nice thing about recording your sets is I'm doing I'm doing plenty. I'm not trying but I like I feel like I'm not There's things I'd like I'd like if they were different. I was in it more clubs or whatever But like looking back at sets. Oh, should I'm a lot of funnier than I was a year ago. Yeah, everybody is Not well sometimes Sometimes you see people that are doing the same jokes That stopped or they don't know or whatever, but if you do something if you go to the gym four times a week for a year I'm not gonna say you look like Hercules But you're gonna adjust better. You're gonna have more strength in your shoulders and all your little ligaments These are the things you don't see right you just looking in the mirror waiting for your biceps to blow up You don't need enough protein. You don't jerk off with that hands You don't do shit. No, you know I'm saying right there. No matter what you do if you put 80% effort into it four days a week after a year you got to get somewhere But that doesn't mean CBS gonna put you on a sick cup. No But at the same time you have not gotten a commercial agent. No, I didn't you haven't jumped into a fucking acting class the cheapest one One night because that's all gonna help you now you're meeting people in different avenues and they got scams They got their own scams. Yeah, New York scams like actors have their own scams I don't know what they are commercial actors have their own scam And then you start them one day some checks on come with you and go man You have a commercial agent you're like no my commercial agent would love to have you like The mail them below. Yeah Paul and people, but sometimes that's the involvement It's getting involved with an acting fucking school 90 hours a week. You don't want to be fucking Steve McQueen. You just want the basics and to be around other people that are doing the same dream as you Yeah, and I I got into it and I sent out a bunch of stuff to commercial agents But I didn't I haven't fallen up enough so you're right But I ran into the problem you were talking about earlier, but hanging out too much a little bit towards the beat like last year in the beginning of this year But because it's tough that I feel like it's the only way you get spots, but then you're like oh shit, I'm not writing anything I've been hanging out too much You hang out after you have a seven and an eight thirty show Once you get your two or three in then you want to go support your friends And do all that shit like I feel in the back. Oh, I'm here. Yeah, I rather you go home and rehearse in the mirror Yeah, you're trying to be a stand-up comic. Why are you going to a club that the guy's not even there on a Thursday night? You're going in and the pretense to see Pedro right, but at the same time you just sniffing around and see But you could pick up see if somebody left the 20 on the floor of 50 or dead. That's the reality. That's why I don't like supporters The fuck up thing is it works someone did it this weekend with Jessamy and they're very nice But it I like I see I see it work, which is like frustrating. I rather you go listen. You're a great three-point shooter But we're down by four. I need you to get in there score a fucking basket and get fouled For sure because that's a high percentage shot right the three. Yeah, you're four for five But you're also a you know, whatever it is 42% yeah, the highest shot is what the layup or the dunk is a hundred percent 98% of the layup, you know, you take how many labs can you miss it you take a hundred of them? It's funny 80% pretty good professional. All right the same 10 you're going for high percentage shit, right instead of low percentage shit same fucking thing But then I don't know if you ran into this I've done some shows or I'm like And no disrespect to some people, but there are some shows that are just bad But the comics are just bad. You're like I shouldn't be doing this these shows anymore. You have to do them You got to do it with this level right now. You got to do the good. Oh, I thought it'd drag me down a little bit Sometimes listen to drives you down if you Listen to the only lineup that will drive you down those those hobbyist comics. They probably live in Brooklyn Friends and they all come out. Let's go support Jane and they come out and they clap real loud for Jane Jane gets off with some Chinese kid gives her a dozen flowers Yeah, we don't do that with stand-ups Jews do with it. There's a lot of Jewish shows in New York. I believe it. It's kind of should be everything Cuban shows Puerto Rican shows, you know, but that's a start-off so yeah, you don't want to get caught in that snag either no No, that's a spot for you. Oh, you want to put me in a Jewish show great. That's when you take that jujoke and try it. Oh, yeah, you know, yeah, well whatever the fucking spare rib joke, whatever the fuck you want to do It's a yeah, I appreciate it because it's I don't know we we because we talk amongst these ourselves, but I From this podcast and from the people that I know I'm like a lot of these people to have no idea what the fuck they're talking about So it's it's nice to like get to talk to someone who actually Clearly knows at least I'm not talking to somebody who it was given to Right you're talking to somebody who's honestly telling you guys that in 2000 I didn't get a fucking comedy agent. Let's be honest till 2011 Really? Yeah, I'm out of comedy agent. Oh, that's right before me. Okay. Yeah, the actual agents and people who ran my commercials But there was nobody I really talked about stand up and you were just booking yourself booking myself making up numbers as they went along Making believe I know what I was doing. Do you ever have I've had a bunch of people tell me that my wife should be calling people and just be my You know, just just give her a fake email address She could start up on management company It's just me and you Got the call from me, but me being on the roster. Right. They'll listen to her Of Jesus Christ. Yeah, don't go. Oh, well, what what about Joey D's up? You know what? He's booked Joey's on the international tour right now on the Martian spaces, but When he gets back I'll talk to him about your club. Just give Lisa at three weeks Okay, cuz you got leverage, right. Yeah, I'm gonna call with poor steps. I got no leverage like a little more step You know, let's try this step. I didn't even think about it. Everyone just been telling me to do it just for me I didn't think that you had to have a whole roster of people My friends wife did that. All right, they got to LA But she would help me out in time to time and he's doing that taught me that he would call agents Go George. What are you doing? Oh, I'm staying on my child. That's great My client Lisa I had to have a showcase. I'm gonna tell you Everybody's gonna be there John lens coming out of the grade the Beatles led Zeppelin every after he would just start fucking shit And then when they didn't show he called the next day and go you missed it last night Client got a triple standing ovation Fucking women Lindsey Lohan had an orgy there And just whatever. Okay, I started posting and I realized you just can't post you have to sell it Right, I just realized that having posts like that in five years. It's not posting. It's what's gonna happen when you're there Yeah, some people saw a comedy show is gonna be funny. That's great I'm selling you a comedy show chicks with big tits. There's gonna be a tranny there showing you a pussy We'll have an everything there. You know, I'm saying any of the people hate you or they sign up for those tickets Did you ever know and get mad at you be like hey, you told me that they were gonna do heroin tonight or yeah, yeah I'm the Lindsey Lohan and Brea Lindsey Lohan was coming every rather Wednesday Lindsey Lohan never even been to the city of Brea Amazing. Yeah, no, yeah, we are the weak telling people lies. I didn't give a fuck You're doing whatever you can to get people to the fucking door who gives a fuck what you tell him I want a contest and I should never want but nobody else sold volumes and nobody else invited their clients to the comedy show You know what I'm saying you're so coke you're gonna every way do I get the coke eight o'clock Brooklyn comedy club. Yeah, but why am I going to a clown? Trust me. It's the best coke you've ever had Then they get there and you make them pay 25 what the fucking my pants one doesn't Reminders Martian's the whole thing and you make them wait the laughter of the show till you give him a line of coke Ah, now they got to sit there and pay for two drinks and laugh and you You get all that was great, but man, what happened? You're gonna give me back that 50, but yeah. To take a gram tomorrow, I'm gonna, I'm getting a shipment directly from Noriega. Gonna be, your name is on it. It's got a pineapple on it, so it'd be sweet. You're selling the big fucking picture. - Right. That's smart of this. Dude, especially if you live in a big city, there's, it's not just a fucking comedy show. It's the difference between me and you. No big difference. We put our pants on, and I've been doing comedy longer, but if you go out and start saying, listen, there's gonna be free joints at the door, chicks are gonna suck your dick. There's gonna be one or two white guys that are gonna read them though. I haven't gotten late in the six months. Maybe I'll go today, and then they go and it's all guys, they're like, but you got 'em for the fucking night, and I'm saying 'cause guys will believe that type of shit. We're giving out Spanish fly, bring your gram mother, watch us scratch the fucking pussy. (laughs) Give the gram on Spanish fly. - This is also beginning a softball season for me this last week. - Oh yeah? - Brutal. - Why? - 'Cause it's all day. All day. - Even with intervals, it's tough? - I had everything on me on sat. It was fucking freezing out there. It was sunny, but it was 55 degrees, and the wind was blowing. I basically sat in my car. I went to the weed store. That's the day I went to Trenton, and I bought one of those fucking Macau, 40 dollar joints with everything in a dog shit, tranquilizes everything. - 40 dollars? - I smoked a whole fuck blunt with a glass tip. Oh my God. - I smoked a whole fucking thing in my car. Oh, it's fucked up. I ate some of those chocolate mushrooms. - And you don't have a panic attack watching the game? I don't know that shit. - Why would I have a panic attack if somebody else was throwing the ball? 'Cause you can sit now, like an idiot. Wait, for Bert to shit on me. What is the panic attack that I'm waiting on to have? - I don't know, because I don't-- - What type of fucking bag of mine? - 'Cause mushrooms made me freak out. - And I had like 250 milligrams of nadaples in me. I was nice and toasted. Sitting in my car, listening to music, drinking a snap or sugar-free iced tea. Who lives like that? (laughing) - Oh my, are you still giving parents stuff? I remember there was-- - No, this team, nobody even mingles with me. - No. - 'Cause only one guy talked to yet. It's not, I just met these guys. - Oh, okay, so nobody knows, nobody knows nothing yet. - That's fucking, that's fantastic. Do you have anyone you're looking at those? Do you see someone like six weeks before they're asked, "I'm not looking at those, nobody. I'm just looking to have a good time." If you leave your soda on, man, it, you know, no, no, no, no. In fact, we're going away next weekend. It's just one of the family that's staying. - Okay. - It's not even a whole team. - And you've said mercy's on a team with like a bunch of older kids now. - Older kids, so she's not. She's got to start from the beginning. She's like the Jackson's without the Jackson's. Like she has to start from the beginning. And listen, like last week I had broke my eye a little bit 'cause she didn't play the first game. And I was like, maybe she'll come home and go, she wants to quit and I want that either, you know? I wasn't a case. She was happy when I talked to her. And the second game was when I told him, when you got a chance, you got to fucking do something. And she blasted a fucking single on the first baseline. I was so happy for the second. She blasted a double on my, she's back. But they had three outs before she scored. It's funny. She loves everything about a softball but she ain't complete 'til she scores. - Yes, you have to be here. - She's on second and you hit her in. And she scores, you could see her when she touches fucking, I'm gonna say she fell going around third and she was still laughing. - Oh my God. - But she was scored. She ran so hard. She just ate it on the third baseline, making that third. - Oh. - And she wasn't pissed. Dude, I felt last week walking to a show. - You fell again. - Dude, I phone like three times. I don't know if I'm not picking up. Do you ever ever girlfriend say some, my ex and boss and said something to me that it will never leave my head now? Apparently, I don't bend my left leg when I walk. And that's what always catches. My left leg is just straight. - There's no reason. - There's no reason to bend. Come that fucking Auschwitz leg even bent. - Hey, can't want him sitting down. - Wait till we put shorts on him. You're gonna see the bottom half of his leg. Like Auschwitz there. They're fucking thick. You don't. - Oh, yeah. - He's got a toe that if he hits you with, you got a broken fucking female for a month. You got a judo that'll fuck you world up. - I do my big toe, I have to, I started getting pedicures every once in a while 'cause they have to, they have to sand it down. Like it's a, it's a brick. - My phone guy told him. - Mine's on a toenail, month the side. Like the side of my toe is like a callus. That's what it is. That's what it always gets. It, I don't know what it rubs against, but it fucking, yeah, it gets hard. That was the funny. It's a cut through my key. Like the six months I did, you did too. When you called, you said at the Auschwitz toe, the fucking callus cut through the key. It like, it just, I don't know what it is. It's hard. - You put cream on that. - No. - I could be a life phone boy. - You put cream on your feet? - Yeah, nice. After you take a shower, you wanna, you know, you're feeling disgusting. - I've never once put cream on my face. - It feels nice too. - Really? - After a shower, you come out, you dry your feet off good. You put a little cream on. They feel cool for a little while. Put some sandies on, instead of those fucking, it'll sink as you wear sandals. - Oh, do I take my, I don't wear, you wear sandals around the house? - Yeah, I got the fluffy ones, like a fact. (laughing) I got the fluffy ones with leather and shit. I'd smell them. They don't smell bad at all. Like when you need me to smell the logs. - You smell your slippers? - 'Cause they haven't been there all went to you. Like they got to be cheesy, but no. I don't wear shit. Oh, and my, the cat and I are friends now. I wanted to know. - It took fucking two years. - How convenient. - Who used to be friends with a cat? That's how long it takes. Yeah, they're earning you stripes. - She tried to whack me today, apparently I wasn't rubbing. And she gets pissed off. Like every time we leave the house, if we're gone for like a day or two, she'll shit outside the litter box. And I cleaned it on purpose before we leave. These cats are completely different. - Look at me, man, Pedro, he's faded like a motherfucker. Not the trauma, but a piece of mushroom on it. - Pedro, Pedro has a real fast metabolism. He took mushrooms right before like three minutes later is like, these are hitting me. - He's a good mushroom. - I'm sure they are. - George, it hasn't hit George yet. - Oh, gee, oh, I'll be driving George's car home. Jesus Christ. He drives 65 sober. - 65, you're lucky to get that out of me. (laughing) He usually does 38 when I'm around. And it was staying in the right hand lane and you're like, what the fuck, guys? (laughing) But listen to these questions, you're asking. They're all great questions about comedy and, you know, it's what you feel at the time. Look, and I tell you this from mistakes I made. But I got a hang of you for a while. I would just, I would see some of these agents out and say shit to them. - That's amazing. I'd love to be, I don't know, I'm a fucking ass kisser. - Especially when they busted out. They clients busted out, like. - Oh, they don't do well or something yet? - That's who you picked over me. (laughing) - What are they saying to that? - We don't see you doing anything either. - I know I'll do a lot better than him. - Yeah. - Can't take that shit personal 'cause I did. Then I realized that people were paying me now big money with the same ones who turned me down. So it felt even better. - When he cashed their checks. - It wasn't even a yes anymore. It was like, I was right and you were wrong, you know. And I'm not gonna rub it in your face, but. - I'd love to. - But who's that face? - Because we're in a fucking career. That's a 50/50 toss right there. Nobody's better than anybody. We just one person gets to spotlight. And people fall in love with him and he says the right things. And then they go to the county festival and they'll be agent. You know, it's just, so you keep doing what you're doing to the best of your abilities. You believe in yourself, you write. Don't come to me and go, you know, nothing's going on. Well, I went to see you last weekly and you're still talking about living in that way. I can't. - Right. - Something must have happened in five years. So, you know, as long as you and your mind are doing the best possible thing, not doing what everybody else is doing, listen, if you're gonna put a tape of yourself doing crowd work on Instagram, be my guest, right. But every day you see a hundred new tapes. That's all it is. A people doing crowd work. And I appreciate that type of stuff, you know, not for me. But why would you put up the same fucking tape? I rather you put up a tape sticking nickels up your ass. You'll get more fucking views. Yeah. You hammering little nickels in your asshole. One of the time in sniffing them. You get walk fucking reviews. So, if you're gonna continue to do the same shit everybody else is doing, it's gonna get either same result as everybody else. - Right. Sorry, I'm just stuck on hammering the nickels into my asshole for a second. - I mean, that's the bottom fucking line. If you go up there in the first 10 minutes of your rack, what everybody else is talking about, you're doing something fucking wrong. - Yeah. - You're falling into a niche that everybody else is saying. You know, whether it's news, whether it's a topic, that's why I don't like doing topical stuff. You're gonna come out with something hysterically topically. I'd rather you use it on social media. - Okay. - Because how long are you gonna use it for? Three nights? You'd hope so, but some people still have ditty jokes. You know, somebody, if you go to a. showing somebody's doing ditty jokes and oil can't I can't take you serious because you you're not telling me what's going on in your life. Mm-hmm. Before you go into that joke like you know it's a fucking good writer Jimmy Yang. Okay. Jimmy Wang, whatever his name is Jimmy O'Yan. Jimmy O'Yan. He's a tough champion. He's a kid you know. He's not like everybody else like he has a sense of humor. Right. I was watching him. He's talking about if he goes and plays blackjack, Mr. Chimney's dealer. He walks. Yeah, really that's so funny. He's not possessed. There's too many smarts. Yeah. That's his style. He's just too smart. It's just a challenge of smarts you know. Right. But he's explaining to you why. Right. I love that shit. Yeah of course. If you're just going to go up then go George Colorgon to get so sick. You get people tell me why. What went on that you're giving me this right to George. Right. And sometimes when you're talking you're slowing them down. But I said comics we have to live in laughter. So when we don't hear laughter, we think it's bad. Sometimes it's good. It's good. And that's that's what I think like I'm working on now a lot is the stuff between the jokes of like how to guide it into and like how to weave it together. So it's not just joke, joke, joke. That's that's what I think is like one of the biggest things I see a difference between like a feature and a headliner is the stuff between the jokes. That's when the jokes, the patience, not rushing to the punch line. I mean this like once you start highlighting then you have to learn all over again. And then you do what I did because that was the best education I got. I went to see a different headliner every Thursday at the Irvine Improv. Didn't talk to them. I didn't go up to them and say I came in a support. Nobody even knew I was there. The bartender or I just get a drink from 10 bucks and set that back table. Were you supposed to put the other bulls at? Yeah, of course. Right there. Nobody even knew it was like one of the kids girlfriends and maybe the kids comic ads or something. One of the comedians answers something. And I would leave there and leave like I would learn something new. He's a real Greg Giraldo was a real headliner. Ralph, he was a real headliner. So I, you know, at that time, whether the kid who writes jokes on the internet, he was a great headliner back then. But that kind of because I thought we all think we're headliners because we got 45 minutes. You go fuck yourself. That's how you're weighing this. You'll see a headline of the continuity in his material. Maybe you'll do a call back. There's all different things. Yeah. So don't sweat it. Don't sweat it. I didn't see any fucking success for 20 years. I started in 91 and I didn't get a, I got movies, I got TV shows. But no agent, everyone to talk to me till maybe 2010 there. Was it hard for you at all when you would see people like that you started with or like around your level like way ahead of me doing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It bothered me till about 2002. And then I realized we all have a different journey. Everybody has a we're all going to get to the top. We're just going to all have different ways. Some guy might rush to the top and now he's got to keep it up there for 20 years. We established the name slowing on the way up. We're not looking for the crowd. It'll be the king. We just want to be close up there like an under boss. So we keep getting work over the years. Yeah. So every, quite every point in your career, it's always no matter what. Listen, man, when you do something like us stand up acting an artist, you paint all that shit. It's it's how I'm the stress. It's got to be unless you get confident. Go I could keep making money drawing pictures. I you could draw a picture. You could take a bucket of red and throw it in the bucket of green and throw it. I can throw the same bucket, the same green. Mine don't get a million dollars. Why? Yeah. Eight white people. Who does it tell you? That's it. That's it. You can need three of those idiots to show up. I see death. Give me a check. You can see other things later. Let me see a bucket of money. We just talk. This is all we are. Well, this is all luck. And then after you get lucky that you see there's a little bit of luck, you put the effort into it. When I booked the Adam Sand, when I booked Spider-Man too, I was lying. Okay. Yeah. I'm on to something. No matter what, I wasn't on to some stand. I was 11 years away from doing something stand up wise. But I'm on to something. Just saying like a fucking movie with a premiere at a restaurant. Everybody says the movie's great. These are real premieres. These are real fucking people. These are real fucking people here. This isn't like some fake thing that you did. I saw one. There's a series coming out. The guy's doing like a premiere of three episodes. What you killed me for? I wouldn't even go to those fucking things. Let me alone. But it's time, man. It's time, confidence and the people around you to keep letting you know that. But if you hang out with desperate people, then you're going to be desperate. I feel desperate. And I don't like we all are. We're fucking comedy horrors. At the end of the week, we're a horror. So no difference. Now, how do you want to be a horror? What kind of horror do you want to be? Do you want Arabs coming in your asshole or do you want to fucking suck a dick in the two million dollar home? And second one. Okay. There. You decide what type of horror you are. If you want to take shots to the face behind a strip club for the small 20, that's good too. I got a horror that's living in a mansion eating assholes up there in class with silk slippers on a ball of listerine right in the bathroom. So she could wash out a mouth. You go behind a strip club. That chick's gonna suck a dick to lick your asshole with the same tongue. There's no toothbrush. There's no fucking. There's no flossing. There's nothing. You know, it's one asshole to another. So you tell me what hookah you want to be? There's a two million dollar house one asshole. That's it. You're looking at your husband's 400 pound balls and looking at his asshole. But it's just the power of one. Think about sucking ten dudes with my asshole, which orders that they'll never even recreate again. You know, so you tell me what type of who you want to be. If you want to be a smart whore, this you ever go to a strip club and there's strippers with the tattoos and they're hot. Then I don't know. They're they're building it. They got kidney function problems and fucking with the hepatitis B. They got everything from that dirty dick. They're sucking because guys who's going to give you 10 bucks, a dirty motherfucker. You go into a bar thinking that she's gonna suck you dick for $10. You're a dirty motherfucker because that means they'll throw an old lady out. Yeah, and you'll and you'll take that dick socket. You're imagining you're actually throwing an old lady at somebody. Yeah. So it's what you want to do. Good man said that to me once you just suck dick on the back of the floor. You can suck dick on the mansion. It's up to you. That's really inspirational. Very inspirational. Oh my god. Right. So usually like a hot chick like yeah, I'm hot. You're blowing guys in the garage like Ari Maddie has that joke about guys with big dicks. You they fuck you on a mattress. It's got skeins on it. And they got a retarded roommate. Ari's a little dick when you wake up. There's breakfast made. He goes guys with big dicks. They got no plans for the next day. Little dick motherfuckers don't take it from the museum to do this. You know, so you got to decide how is that's my favorite fucking bit I've heard lately. Oh, I haven't heard that one. Ari Maddie's fucking bit about that. It's a truth. You're a whore whore. How do you want to be it? Am I going to be the guy that's going to call the dough jungle? Hey, how much you paying Pedro? Well, it takes 50 dollars less. Jesus. You're a miserable whore. Yeah. You're just waiting around for fucking drags. You know, but if you're a real comic or a real actor or a real artist, you know that you're a bad motherfucker. It's going to take time. That's true. And yeah, and, you know, not to be silly, but, you know, you'd make more money from one of like the $2 million whore, but you wait for a while versus getting the dicks that are readily available. Okay. You see, I'm going to a strip club. Any strip club is always that hard chick. I've been here for four years. Yeah, I'm getting paid. You get none. 100 a week that fucking chubby chicken Texas getting 700,000 the fucker, uh, the big one, uh, the horse. I mean, isn't that horse? Yeah, the horse. You ever see that body? She's a fucking stallion that girl. Uh, she wants 300,000 just to fuck her. The other chick, that fuck did he pay the $300,000 or you could wait for some guy. Yeah, man, I'll give you a thousand dollars. They waited. Those black chicks held up for the big dick and the big pay off the horse. Yeah, the horse. What about name? Is that what you better? I love all that shit. Hold on a second. We're going to take a breather. No, I'm not going to take a breather. I got to get some. Okay. Talk, uh, there's a lot of them out there. The horse, the horse, she got cheated on. I can't imagine cheating on Megan. And she's so hot. I think we'll definitely, we'll just pause this. Should we, you know, maybe we won't pause this fucking, what are you grabbing? You know, okay, these guys are grabbing trouble. I had surgery. There's going to be five weeks this Thursday. I'm walking around. I'm working out. Am I lucky? No. Am I in my great shape? No. When I'm going for the stem cells, after the stem cells, they say, listen, before the surgery and after the surgery, you won't need to do two certain types of peptides because they're going to rebuild and help you heal faster. You're not going to have as many problems as you have. I was optimistic, whatever, but today the PT doctor said something because I got you doing dead lives. Basically a month after that, I got you doing things that your leg is strong. And I thought about it. How much they've impacted me and people just don't know. I told you that people say to me, what do people reach out to me with the weirdest things about the podcast? Okay. And I'm impressed with that. Yeah. They want to know certain things. I'll tell them. So, you know, whatever the fuck and people always talk to me about peptides. Right now in today's market, I wouldn't trust anything out on Instagram unless somebody got them and whatever. So when my friend told me, I real, that she was going to open up this company. It's called air peptides. Okay. A.I.R. Yeah. Customer care at airpeptides.com. airpeptides.com. Guys, they got everything. That's small. And at the morning, my C.H.Q. C.U. Retretude. And then you scan the fucking code there and it gives you all the other ones. Do me a favor. If you're in Jersey, I would always go, I want to always get them in person. And that's why I go to underground nutrition. I see Jordan. But if you call me from Cincinnati, a Pennsylvania, and you want peptides, this is the company for you. So it's air with an E.A.I.R.E. peptides.com. If you order from them, they deliver $200 or over, you get free delivery overnight, whatever the fuck it is. They're solid. I know this girl. And I know what she puts on her body. She looks like a million fucking bucks. And you can shoot yourself. You can yourself of the peptides. Yeah. You can shoot yourself and me or your girlfriend or web. That's some nights I get a shot when my wife was out of town driving around all day looking for somebody to shoot me. And you always find some bastards. Yeah. Why not? What am I shooting you? Mineral's not. Don't you see yourself? No, I'm not that powerful yet. It's a little scared. Who do you get someone to give yourself? My wife, the gym owner, the lady who does the pharmacy around the corner. Oh my God. I had to ask someone. I was going to ask someone to borrow a phone yesterday. I couldn't even do that. I couldn't come on and shoot me with a needle. I know these people. I know that they either been in the medical field or they've been in this all their lives. Right. Yeah. And they've shot other things. I just I know you got to do with this. This is a diabetic needle. You know, I did it a little bit. This is not like a fucking Dr. Chicago needle. There's a diabetic needle, guys. You put the bacterial water in it. You don't you don't shake it. You swirl it. And you pull it out slowly. And then you, whether I'm shooting my knee, my shoulder back on my arm, squeeze that spot. And you put the needle right in there. But you can't even if you close your eyes, you can't do it. Yeah. No, I tried one night and I succeeded. But I left the cap on. I was all happy. I was here and I was like, Oh, fuck yeah. I didn't even hurt. And also there was juice everywhere. I left the cap on and my thank God. I didn't want to do that anyway. That's amazing. That's cool that they that she set up that company. Cool. And she's right in the area. And you know, people always ask me like, Joe, we don't know what peptide science went out of business. This other company went out of business. And with all the business that are popping up, I don't know what's really out there. So I can't recommend anybody. But this air peptides, I can recommend it. And if you get it and go Coco 10, you get 10% off your order. Beautiful. CEO, CEO 10, CEO, CEO 10, you get 10 points off your order. And tomorrow, I'll put the thing on my Instagram. So people could see it if they want to know big deal, no pressures. You know, if you're looking for a sponsor, they're nothing. They just, I think she's got a good product. I trust it. So I know what she did to get all this shit. She took trips. She went to Germany. She went to China. It's a bad bitch. So just to let you motherfuckers know I love it. Yeah. And that's it. What do you got this week? You any dates? All my dates are at least side dot com. But this week, I'll be at the Syracuse funny bone Friday and Saturday. Okay. We got that with Pat McGann. I'll be opening up for Pat McGann one show Friday, one show two shows Saturday. Do I have anything else during the week this week? I do not during this week. But next week, I have a couple in the city. Everything at least side dot com. I got June 24 July 2nd. And two of the Wednesday is after that, the Brooklyn improv in Williamsburg. And then we got AC, the seventh and the eight. That's it. A vlog is big shows. A vlog is big shows. Oceans casino. Oceans casino. I think I'm going to get a rapper. Maybe a fucking drummer. Maybe somebody to swallow a sword. Maybe some of those $10 hookers. Yes. And $10 hookers to go. And that's it, man. But listen, how the great time was good. See you tonight. Thank you for coming down here. And that's it. Same bad time. Same bad channel next Tuesday. If we don't have a show next Tuesday, it's because I got to fly out of town for business. We'll be back the following week up at the studio. That's it with this fucking thing. Well, that time will be six weeks. I can go down this phase. Not scared of going up this stage. It's down those days. It's down there. You should have told me to jump on my back. We'll do the piggyback right now. I'm going to depend on the horse with foot. It's a fuck out of you. I love you. Stay black. Have a great week. See you next week. (upbeat music)