The Ballad of Merrily and Bob

Oh my how the tables have turned call Dr. Bob call Dr. Goldenstein call Dr. Green Greenblatt she's she's using again uh washing it down with a white claw I know I thought I had a laugh somebody laughed me no you you miked yourself you're always miked I'm always miked I before I went and got on the treadmill I went to get one of these and in the guest house yell at me oh a lot of touch f**k it okay in the guest house um I have celsius and white claw almost just sipped my 7 a.m white claw and got on my treadmill I was like what fierce so um luckily that I avoided that because if I opened it I would have been like well I gotta drink it now well honey I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but you did put your shirt on upside down it's supposed to be like this I know that's the joke oh I was trying to figure out what to wear today and Mr. Wonderful was giving me the outfit so this isn't mine oh I love it though well it's turn it around Dina whatever turn the wigs around Dina we say this all the time turn the wigs around Dina no no no but what I'm about to say what I'm about to tell you is something we often say but that doesn't make it any less true right I have so much to talk to you about oh good I have so good you need to get the stewardess sorry flight attendant uh whoever buckle her up this way that I need a true I need you like a like a fighter jet top gun you need to buckle up because what I'm about one of those one of those pilot tubes and this but the other end of the tube is up to your ass and I just want you to blow in my mouth do you know what's been happening with the weirdest fucking thing no matter what I fall asleep watching because I'm not a tv watcher at night Mr. Wonderful needs I I'm I'm incapable of dating men who can sleep in silence crazy they need blaring televisions that's crazy to keep the demons away okay I show up to work and take pills we all do different things so every day I wake up to the Bob Barker years of the price is right every a new car every day and as many as I've seen I do not understand these games I could never be on this fucking show because a what are they talking about it's like this game is called high and low and they pull out like a table of like home cleaning products and then people in the audience are screaming this is like my nightmare they are they are hydrophobic rabies they're yelling and then it's it's all old episodes so it's like your great aunt in her prime looking like shit with like a dog shit perm with no bra on turning around to look at the audience like wet skin high greasy like I've been up for three days skin like no powder they're like and then today they were giving away I took a picture of a girl today they were giving away a um and I wake up and I don't know what it is about the show but it I immediately have to watch like look at this this was the prettiest girl I've seen she's a fucking dog and I'm like I'll say that because she looks horrible merrily her name is merrily merrily we what merrily let me put on my paint job for my gig merrily we blindly put our makeup on oh and merrily and then whenever they show men the men something about the outfits at this time everyone looks like a molester every man looks like they just swung by a middle school and picked up a kid in the back of their van and went to price is right and bob berger's so charismatic he really is the reason you watch a makeup brush he's literally talking into a makeup brush it's so crazy I watch him talking to this delicate and it's this far away and it's like well merrily we're gonna see if you're gonna win this lovely speedboat it's lydia tar's conducting stick she it's like and you know what my least favorite part of it is part of it is they do this thing where they'll show the prize so they'll show the speedboat and today they showed a speedboat and they had all these you know the bitches that walk around the product and show the product show the car the prize around the car yeah yeah sometimes they draw some boxers you know they do like you show the car you walk around the car they were giving they were selling an earth the game was you had to guess the price of an armchair hold on this is what this is throwing me for a loop this has got me completely she wasn't worth untangling the cord or what oh god oh that was tough okay so oh i forgot what i was talking about no no okay okay so the women are showing the boat and tell me why they're showing boat tell me why they have all these women dressed as pirates they're in stripy shirts with a head rag with eye patches and these bitches with the big tits and the spray tans are walking around going and they have like hook hands and this is the thing they show they always do this so they'll show the prize they'll show the prize and they're like it's a new car and the audience claps and the lights and the music did it did it yeah yeah and this happens all the time they cut back to the person who might win the prize and what they want is the person so often is like it's so crazy it is so often just staring into space it's the wendy cinematic universe they don't care no matter what it is it's like because the shit they're giving away is so crazy it's like unless you need a new washer and dryer how am i meant to react right now i just have to pay taxes on it we have washer and dryer at home we have cleaning products at home in these games are like you either have to be some kind of type a deranged housewife where you're like i do know the price of palm olive because i was just at the safeway and i cross-referenced i went to three different stores in the valley because i you've known me for a long time i've known you for a long time i've known those la prices are out through the roof and it's september there's coupons right they're completely deranged i'm and wait have you watched have you watched this girl that recently went viral for being on the prices right no mary i would play it but i'm just gonna tell you she's freaking out she's freaking out she's like and then she's she's freaking out and then they one of the prizes is a car and she goes yes i just totaled my car freaks out and then the next prize is it's a trip to the grand canyon and she goes oh my god where is that it's so cunty she's freaking out and she does win the and she gets the the price you have to guess is like she gets thirty one thousand five hundred dollars and drew carrie goes get out are you ready for this it's thirty two thousand she was like five hundred dollars off he goes you have a you won double showcase she starts running around the fucking room she does it she does it she does it she does the worm she runs up to one of the guys who shows the prizes and he's like six five she tries to pick him up she tries to pick him up then she gets in the car she's screaming and crying the camera's following her she gets in the car she closes the door she's waving it's so crazy you want a new you a tombstone i just killed my husband one of the best parts they show one of the one of the prizes they're all dumb prizes yeah it's like a trip to paris or whatever and she's clapping and she goes she goes she goes but like i can't take it she does like and i i was like on one hand i was like i need if you're gonna be just this is a psa if you're gonna go on the price is right you're gonna get chosen yeah don't try to act too cool no no no no no yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like well i've been to paris but fierce do backflip do mori povich you are not the father break your neck break your neck you should be as to win a car you should be acting like they act on mori when they aren't the father i want backflips i want you need to be strapped like pink and fly fly somersault tear away if you win the showcase you should have a broadway magnets outfit that you tear off girl i mean is it like it would have been hereditary he instead of he was like but i think oh my god if i was on the show and they were like you're gonna win a hutch i'd be like i would do help bloody nose help him in cross-eyed the one eye goes into the head can't see it anymore yeah and then just blood i smiled no teeth but you know what i would love to do i would love to spin that big wheel that big wheel they have on price is right sure yeah that would be so fun i it is fun it's a fun show i like that the set is all right the old episodes the set is like purple orange gold and red bob barker literally just molesting people the women angels yeah yeah yeah and then bob barker yeah giving deep deep hugs long hugs yeah full crotch yes today he goes like pressing his gonads like a full press like a french press of like squeezing grapes it's like they have like people they're like put these bushels of grapes in your pants i've got mine here we're making wine spread it's like they're like squelch squelch it's so crazy you know i would love for you to be one of the prize ladies and like um they show like you get to walk around the car when you turn around your white gown there's just shit running down your legs and i and then when i like i i try to smile but i've sewed my mouth shut it's like just crazy i love that you know what i would love i would like um i love bob barker to be like you win this and it's like this ugly fucking base or something i guess it's not ugly that's you sorry that was kind of and i and i and i tilted towards the camera and it's filled with my hot shit that i just out of my butt i just i think the price is right to spawn i mean it keeps but but i'm saying the moral of the story is every day i wake up and my tv while i'm sleeping switches over to vintage bob barker And it's screaming at you. It's screaming. And there's no commercial breaks. It says, you're watching the Bob Barker years of this. Whoa. And it's just. Well, how could a show like that have commercials? It's literally just a commercial. You know what I mean? Oh, do you think, is this naive? Are those sponsored products? Do you think they pay to have their products shown? Are you serious? Mama, where have you been? But it's all like groceries and stuff. Well, I don't know if they, do they, do you pay to have your like toaster strudels in the game? Trixie, Joanne, Elizabeth, Mattel. Mama. Is she having a stroke? I think so. What's wrong with you? Are you having. But I will say, if you want to talk about, if you want to talk about inflation, it's the 70s or whatever. And so it's like, oh, a loaf of bread, 40 cents. Like these people. I would be Lucille Bluth. I would be like, it's a bushel of bananas, $800. Right. Like, I don't know. It's crazy. Mary, oh God. I mean, I love a bargain, but I'm certainly no longer in my life, like buying groceries only on sale. Like when I was younger, I was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, when I go to the Ralphs, I always have, if I forget my card, I'd be like, do you have a card? They always do it. So it's like, I know that. Okay, whatever. I'm already, if I'm at a grocery store, I already think that I'm miss, miss, I'm already awarding myself awards because it's cheaper than getting food delivery. Of course. I'm already like, wow, I'm a doomsday prepper because I brought one can of beans or whatever. However, if we're talking, this is a perfect segue for an unforgettable story. I'm about to tell you, because when it comes to food delivery, I want you to know that while expensive and extravagant, it's not just food that gets delivered sometimes. Sometimes it's the promise of true love. Oh, did you creep out on someone? No, I have to tell you, I've been dying to tell you this. Dying on the inside. Did you literally? Did you fuck someone? Please, I just, please, I just need five minutes. Just five minutes. So, no, no, no, no, no, active listening, active listening. So, let's take a break. So, let's say, okay, I had a small little cold, really innocuous little, you know, head cold, whatever, day cold, night cold, you're all fine. Then, so I order a Cantor's soup deli, Cantor's deli soup, chicken soup, love it, love it, love it. The guy comes. Um, you know, sometimes they have to, you have to give them a code. Like, you have to say, it's two, three, you know, because for, yes, it's not just like, you know, the COVID thing has really made things like, oh, you just leave it by the door or they leave it down the street or they leave it in a, some PO box somewhere or whatever. So, hide it up a tree somewhere. Also, I, you get a buzz to get in. So, I just go out and I wait for the person. So, Susanna's on her way. And, uh, and then, uh, uh, a young man gets out of the car and, uh, you don't know their gender. I don't know your gender. I don't know. Candace's gender. Candace's gender. Yeah. I can't reach it. I can't reach it. I, it's, I don't know. Do I look like a woman? I don't know what a woman looks like. Do you? Was it food? I ate it. That doesn't mean it's food. Oh, my God. In the Portlandia, when she's drinking the tea, she goes, what is that? She goes, it's just water and soot. So good. Our fans. It's water and soot. Smoked black. So, um, the guy is so cute. So, I give him. Susanna's hot. No, it's not Susanna. Well, you don't know. Well, I do because hold on. So, he is just the cutest guy ever. So, he gave it. I thank him. And then, so, yeah, yeah, I got it. Next day. Um, by the way, this wasn't Susanna. So, the next day it was Susanna. Like, oh, God, another fucking code. Usually doesn't. I go outside. I wait. It's the same guy. And so, it's the same guy. That's so weird. It's weird. But it's Susanna. So, I notice a car pulls up and a girl is in the passenger seat watching a YouTube video wrapped. She's like so checked. And she's just like, is she the pimp of this scenario? So, the guy gets out of the driver's seat. He comes with it. He's like, hey, remember me? And I was like, yeah, I do. And he's like, he shakes my, it's like, shakes my hand. Long shake. Long, firm shake. Unwavering, unflinching eye contact. Mega watt smile. And he says, what color are your eyes? And I was like, I am blushing. We have blush on. I'm blushing. I'm blushing. I was like, I was like, I literally, I was like, I don't. This is you. Show the camera. Show the camera. This is you. Show the camera. This was you. It was me. It was me. I mean, but like put it through the face. That thing was even crazier. Right. I go, this is why I say, I was like, I don't know. I think they're green or blue. He's like, they're so. What do you mean you don't know? Listen, I was kind of, he's like, he's like, they're so beautiful. And I, okay. Kids at home, earwax. I start to get erect. I, and I become erect. I am, I am my boner. I, my penis, my man's penis, adult penis is becoming engorged. Two and a half inches of fully functional fun. We were almost. We're at 1.75 right now and it was almost breaching the two, that hard nail. Come on down. Yeah. We've got Cantor's chicken noodle soup. So wait. And I said, I said, I was like, I think they're blue or green. He's like, they're so beautiful. And I'm like. God, knowing you, you were probably like, fuck me. No, I was like, I was like, thank you. And we are having this, we're locked. I glance over at Susanna. In the car, window open. I'm talking six feet away. Does not oblivious, not interested. Maybe a sister, maybe a friend, maybe a roommate. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe a girlfriend. Then he's like, oh, sorry. What's the code again? He's, he's the eye contact is unwavering. He has the brightest. He's so pretty. And he has the brightest, like friendliest smile. And this is going to go into it. It's going to go in different directions, which I, I, I think number one is this is the, the killer, a grift, which I'm prepared for. And then I'm ready to die. And then baby born to die. Yeah. Born to die. Go. Don't fail me now. Take me to the finish line. And then, so as he's like, oh, sorry, what's the code again? And I give him the code again. And he's like, all right, have a great day. See you tomorrow. Like, like a joke. And I said, oh, by the way, you are so handsome. And I smile and he smiles and he, and he leaves. And I was like, fully, I walked away and I have a large shirt on. It's not, I have a large shirt on. Nothing is showing. Nothing is showing. Fully. This is so gross. I'm so sorry. I mean, is it, is it? Rock hard. You can't help it. Rock hard. Yeah. Whisper into the microphone for millions of people. Rock hard. And this is where it gets gross. Cover your ears. Prickle. Prickle. Oh God. Oh God. Uncle Grandpa. No, no, Merrilee. No. You know what I feel like obsession, right? Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You walk backwards up into the corner of the room. No, I, I, you with a snail trail carrying your Campbell suit back to your house. Like a pig. I had to doomsday prepping. I had to tuck it under, tuck it under, snap it off. I had to snap it up. Oh yeah. I had to snap it up. And, and, and it was, this is okay. It was what? It was up, up under, it was a peeking above the undies. Yeah. Because it was coming through. But they were really low rise jeans to be fair. It wasn't very far to go. No, it was a spring bikini. Right. I felt a little poke coming through on you. On yourself. So I, it was. That's the first time a man has pressed their cock into you in a long time and it was your own. It was me, it was me, it was me. Tell him I want her to know it was me. So I'm walking back to, I'm walking through the, the corridor of my complex with a rock hard, wet erection, like over, coming over a cold, you know, and we're getting into like, and then I immediately tip him another $10 because I'm like, so he got a $22 tip for this $18 meal because I pre-tipped 12 bucks because I, so here. So tipping is my love language. It's my love language. Right. It makes, it's not, I know that, I think that it's probably very reasonable to assume that anybody who's delivering food is not a Vanderbilt or Carnegie. Sure. But I can't, beyond that, I can't really assume very much about their financial situation. What I do know from personal experience and personal interaction is that they often appreciate tips because I do the cash tip. We're from the drag economy. If you like what you see, you hold out a dollar. Okay. It's, it's built into our DNA. Honey. And it's, I don't, and it's, I'm the type of person that's like, you're going to, if you, if you're 45 minutes late and you give me a pile of sawdust with dog shit, I'm also going to tip you. 18%. Hello. And apologize. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes they've left it around the corner through it, through the, at the school where you can't even buzz in. I had to, I had to basically fight a guard to get my food. Right. Still a wall. Still tip. No, for real. Still tip them. Anyways. So I, I, I just let, it makes me feel good. Anyways. So I am going to ask me if I'm going to order. some more cantors every single day for the rest This week at this time Are you going to order Cantor's Deli every day this week Yes and I'm going to do it twice Because once is trying Second is the good old Maybe it'll happen this time I won't do a third But you said he was handsome and he didn't respond Oh no he smiled This was after he said you have beautiful eyes Maybe do you think he's gay So this is what I think A he's interested B he and Susanna have got a grift going on Oh you think they deliver in the gay areas For the good tips That's his fat wiener dangle out Or they have a kind of a You go that way I'll go this way We have the door code We know what apartment number You go charm that little F word While I'll steal the Tom Ford off the shelf Guess what Tootsie You can take all the Tom Ford you can carry Because it would be worth it Just for me to hug and kiss on him Like at a middle school prom And it's what Tom Ford would have wanted Thank you Thank you But I'm telling you I'm going to do it again And I will try Ordering food isn't It would be like if you had a crush on this barista And you went back to the coffee shop Only you're inviting them to their home And kind of standing outside smiling Tipping them 140% So let me tell you what I'm going to do As I clutch your bone clammy claws The next time So say Melissa comes back With her You know Oh right what's her name Susanna Susanna It's not her I mean Why are there I'm always weirded out when two people are delivering No no no no What is that A friend A roommate A boyfriend girlfriend Listen Company Come I They're in the car They respond to a thing They're like oh I gotta go pick this thing up We're in the car We're driving around We need to make a little money You're broke You want to go to the movies Let's make a little money Interesting Yeah Happens a lot It doesn't happen in the Uber obviously That's crazy when there's an extra person But it doesn't That does not happen Have you ever taken an Uber pool No Me neither No Where you get it and someone else is in there I've never done it I've never done it either I'm surprised that people do it Because Uber I don't think it's horrible No I don't think it's horrible But it's kind of crazy But I know the price shifts And I mean I take Uber so much Like so much Even you know that I Because it's drinking Yeah And then in the bikini You can't drive with a boner either No Right No Have you ever done sex while driving I've received What And provided oral sex While driving While driving down highways Let's take a break I mean they didn't know I'm just kidding No they knew They knew They knew and they paid for it With their lives Do you know sex in the car When you're like in college With your little boyfriend Like driving around Sex in the car Anybody do sex in the car Oh please Pollyanna over here No I'm not Pollyanna I Listen I just I just provided a public slurrous announcement About texting and driving So I think you know Where I stand on sex Texting and driving Right Okay Right But I need you to put a pin On that for just one second So what I'm gonna do Just to close this out I swear The next time So let's say from some Lightning strikes three times And he comes back I'm outside I'm wearing the sluttiest Fucking outfit I own What are your yuckies No Not a yucky Put on your little nasty yucky I'm wearing I'm going I'm doing 400 pushups Until I almost puke Right And I'm getting the biggest Chest pump I can possibly Get Right For the 20 It takes 20 30 minutes For the food to come right Right I'm pumping up Cause I'm gonna do that anyways I'm going In the blazing sun I'm going to be Oiled Sweaty And pumped Right And with a titty top You know with the ones Where you cut it too much Oh and a little bit of Yeah okay With these fucking Painted on Well not Not like Super faggy But like you know Like Like shorts like these Where they're kinda loose But they're not like It's like did you steal those From a child You crazy person You know like They're not They're not so crazy Where my balls are getting strangled Right But like I'm just letting them know What's going on And then I'm having a My name And my phone number With a 20 dollar bill As the cash tip Or No a 10 Because you know what The danger here is that I'm setting up a Sugar baby relationship You certainly are Or you're implying That you're gonna pay For some kind of Attention Physically You're gonna pay with money For some kind of Romantic attention Which I absolutely Would do Enthusiastically Right Cause I don't I don't know if Susanna and I have a future You know I don't know what her T is And I don't really Want to know that much But I This young prince charming My god Right I wanna I wanna Invite him into my living room Hide all the knives In the Tom Ford No checkbooks around No loose cash or keys And I wanna I wanna Hold him in my arms And I wanna hug and kiss His face and his neck And maybe If he wants to He could feel What that does to me The firmness Okay He could feel my sleep number Which is two and a half Maybe 2.5 2.5 It's either two and a half Or 2.5 I'm not sure You are so stupid Oh my god You are so stupid It's like six of one Or half a dozen Right I actually It's interesting you bring this up Cause I have several stories Revolving around Me being Advanced upon by men That I would like to share with you I'm not sure I used a Moving company A private moving service A private moving service Yeah yeah And I had on this RuPaul tank top Are you sure I didn't tell the story You told it to me But you told it to me In your house Okay I had on this RuPaul tank top Yeah The one from Abercrombie A few years ago Love that tank top Great The guy walks up to the house And Cause we just had to All that Renovating the guest house So it's like stuff That needed to go So they come And they The guy sees my shirt He goes I love your shirt I said thank you Thank you Big tall Like 6'5 Big Big moving guy Yeah yeah yeah Where they're like Muscly but also like Not in a jacked way Larger than in charge I lift things for a living way Yeah yeah yeah like heavy Comes in the backyard Moving stuff whatever And then I come out And I'm in this I swear to god I told this story Maybe I didn't You told it I was in a white t-shirt White shorts White t-shirt white shorts And when you're bald And you're in white and white You do look like you Are at a hospital Right I looked like an ill person And the guy goes Ooh I like the fit The fit The fit is fire And I go Oh thank you And um I go Oh it's just like You know and me I can't take a compliment So I go like Oh it's just like H&M from like 10 years It's just like Kind of a stupid piece of shit outfit And I should just like Shut up and I'm ugly Right I'm like I'm just just like Kind of off myself And I'm just like Horrible But thank you But no the outfit's really bad And you're stupid for saying it Yeah And then I go I go well I'm bald You know when you're bald And you wear an outfit like this You look like you're at the hospital And then he goes Well you can take my blood pressure But wait Right in front of Mr. Wonderful So I am a whore You know I was already About to be called a whore If anybody shows up to the house To do anything And they have a penis I'm a whore Speaking to various men Inviting men over So that's what's going on But also I think he's mixing The metaphors like Are you the patient Or the nurse No he I said I was a patient And he was like Well you can take my blood I was like Oh no no I'm not in scrubs I'm no superman I'm not a doctor Okay I'm no superman No I don't want your number No So then So this happened Great I'm no superman So I ran through From this story So I have a chaser story Okay I was in Lollapalooza I hate you I hate you fat lizard I hate you Oh my god I hate you fat lizard Fuck you Fuck you I hope you die tomorrow I don't I hate you I hope you die But I always think Of that clip It's crazy It's crazy And I always think of it I hate you fat lizard It's crazy It's so crazy It's so Zig when you think She's gonna die Never let him know Your next move She's off She's beyond She knocks the board out And there's three boards Under there It's okay Anyways go ahead So I was in Lollapalooza And I had Friday of Lollapalooza I had to play It's confusing Because it's an after party Yes My set was Saturday So I'm playing an after party For Lollapalooza But it's the night Before my show So it's an after party Before my show Before my real show Weird It's at midnight I get it And luckily I've been doing Super Disco And I was so ready To play like a midnight Dark like Chicago The birthplace of house music Nasty music Right And I got my Nasty aggressive Tech house I'm like I'm gonna get really sick tonight I'm in this like Silver caftan With all these stars In my hair I'm doing this like This planet goddess thing And then I play my little Wait Oh Oh I have a story About this set too This is this Okay this is the set Where I said Where's Mr. Connell And that girl was there With the phone That says She She She sends me this clip And she stops the music And is like Where's Mitch McConnell And then they start cheering People go Where is Mitch McConnell Where is Mitch McConnell And there's this girl With her iPhone up And it's flashing Green and neon It says dead And she's going like this It's so funny It's so funny I was like You was on the phone with you And you're like You gotta watch this right now I watch it And I just like I felt like All the Everything's gonna be okay Two years of smoking Gone I gained two years of life Just from that I was like Oh my god Maybe I will live past 70 Right It was crazy It was so That girl is a hero Incredible Flashing sign that says dead She came ready Dead And it was flashing Dead Well people were screaming Where's Mitch McConnell At me the whole set Because apparently That's my big catchphrase now Where's Mitch McConnell Apparently I'm the only one Wondering that Wait By the way At the time At the time Wait Confirmed At the time Not confirmed But he hasn't been in office In over a month - 50 days, I think, 50 days. fourth was yesterday so dead so in kentucky if you aren't able to serve or you've died the governor is allowed to select a new person right and mitch mcconnell doesn't want to give it the seat because andy beshear the democratic leader governor will pick a democrat probably so they've been kind of thinking they're weakening at bernie zingham so they had to make it to the fourth my thought is they're going to announce he died over the weekend and they're going to say it's gonna be weekend news and they're going to go this is following lindsey graham and then show footage of lindsey graham they're gonna make it about lindsey graham dying and then by monday it's gonna be old news and no one cares well remember when miss farrah fawcett died i don't think you do why michael jackson oh remember when mother theresa died i don't think you do princess diana well have you ever seen that clip of mariah carey going you don't want to talk about 9-11 because she had an album come out that day glitter yeah oh yeah yeah you don't talk about 9-11 the audience goes oh it's very caitlin jenner well 9-11 crazy crazy i just can't imagine mariah sitting at home plucked that that she that that 9-11 happened i can i just i just she's at home just like well yeah i was like listen two horrible things can happen on the same day yes yeah okay and also you know listen hey i so you did not explain to me okay the rest is the chaser story yes so after the gig i'm kind of sweaty but actually shout out to this gig it was at the uh where was it sir mac cnc music factory mac hall in chicago okay um wonderful air conditioning they're at the end of the show if i still have makeup on it's a win it's a win it's a huge win for the community and they had all these people on risers behind me so i'm djing and it feels like there's people all around me was it was a great vibe amazing vibe um oh i like that it was great it felt surrounded in a good way um because also if you're like at a thing doing something that's a good thing it's a good thing and i felt like i was in a jubilee surrounded video i don't know what that means where you sit at the table and the conservatives yell at you or whatever like i don't know what that means i don't know what that means i felt like that and i love that music critics yes music critics running to the chair to say that transition was awful one the jubilee video would be one crossy and 20 music critics and it's me like where is mitch mcconnell you know me yelling about who's dead or not dead running with a banjo to like yes oh my god so then i get back to the hotel and i'm walking you know it's kind of late it's like 2 a.m i'm getting through the lobby and some guy in a suit follows me through the lobby and i go say and i just always think because i'm in drag they probably think i'm an intruder i'm a crackhead i'm a whatever in your drag yeah so he follows crackhead in your drag i i would accept custom hairline i would i was custom ventilated a custom outfit tailored i was like if anything i would think that you were like maybe maybe a circus performer no at the very worst a crackhead i don't know a crackhead i wish the crackheads who lived 30 feet from me my house looked like you my crackhead look looking like you're you look like a goddess from the odyssey odyssey so i was doing this because you know we're doing super disco and i was like oh my pre-show look will be a space look but not a look from the show big brain right oh it's giving space oh because the show tomorrow is space huge right so um her mind is so powerful so i walked to the hotel and this guy in a suit follows me i was like i bet he's works at the hotel and thinks i'm some kind of like person call girl i don't know yes i just always prostitution whore yes sexy hot fuckable bitch so it's me mr wonderful and brandon we get in the elevator and the guy gets on too were you there nick the guy gets on with us and i was like he's probably works the hotel is like literally making sure that i'm not some crook here to steal a potted plant or something and so we get in the elevator he goes this is a party and i go that this is an elevator because i can't tell he's probably wants drugs he goes this is a party i go this is an elevator i go this is an elevator nice elevator i go nice elevator and then we ride up and we're getting on floor 24 and i notice he doesn't push any buttons and i get off the elevator and he keeps trying to talk and i just go like have a good night i'm hard and then on the way once the elevator closes i literally felt like do you remember in who framed roger rabbit when betty boop is the server and she was like works not been the same since cartoons went to color but i still got it eddie boop boop like i was like okay he might have been the killer he might have been just looking for drugs or he's trying to fuck me but i love that he thought what what my mr wonderful and brandon were gonna come do all three of my holes in the room and he was gonna join is that what men think is that a wig i'll just grab my cock and follow to your room okay creepo you okay every single word that you just said as a joke you just said every single word that you just said as a joke is real is true but i think when i'm in drag people people think i know where drugs are i do think that you are correct right and also is this a party obviously that means drugs because what he this is what i'll tell you what was going through this businessman's mind so he was gonna you're gonna he just had a suit on we don't know if he was in business well let me tell you what his train of thought was he was going to so we're in a hotel he was this is what his hopes and dreams were and this is i i would be on you're on her yes i solemnly swear this man wanted to do the following he wanted to follow you into your room he wanted to do some cocaine right he wanted to have a little drink and then he wanted to suck your dick in a wig yeah in a wig and then and then when the coke really started flowing and he couldn't get hard anymore he wanted you and all both of them to fuck his ass in mouth until he saw omaha nebraska i but i just have to say that and guess what can i see he would have shit all over your dicks and can i say i never wear caftans ever uh-huh this is a caftan because i thought friday of lollapalooza in chicago in the heat it's gonna be 100 so i wore this silver space caftan i never wear caftans yeah because in the public in the public form of drag in the public form of drag you can't wear a caftan without someone who's never done drag in their life telling you how comfortable you look you look comfortable fuck off if i cut a hole in a sheet and drape it over myself with some lovely pearl earrings you better act like this is some it's a fritz bernays like so i get to the oh at the is that the at the gig at the gig someone was like you look somebody said i looked comfortable no i know that's why i said oh beers yeah well fuck you your hairline looks hard jack bitch um but i just thought it was so funny because i i never get called on by gentlemen and i put on the good caftan okay so baby let me tell you something i got chased by the fedex truck when i was covered in blood fake blood from halloween show walking you say captain you say shapeless sack he says movado watch cocaine no no no oh you you you the my wares honey the captain to him meant you open it up and inside is k molly cocaine like the guy's selling the watches you're not he's thinking something else he's not saying oh i i can't and this this person this shapeless sack they have no fashion sense no no he's like this hot chick with a dick who's got every drug under the sun in the pot pockets of her lovely little whatever the hell she's wearing following me in the elevator is and also i'm so obtuse is this a party this is an elevator fierce fierce fierce is this a party is this a party means that you know what it means first of all i'm not fucking with brandon i'm not fucking you with my boyfriend no also and i'm not fuck i'm not taking strange men up to my room alone so no version of this is going to happen well so you answered the question it's not a party it's an elevator it's an elevator it's chocolate it's chocolate when he shits you think he was gonna shit okay all right you think he was you think he had diarrhea we are on fire diarrhea he wanted to come up to my room and blow ass and just coat the walls when i say that we have not there has not been one fucking non sequitur in this whole goddamn episode because that's that's a perfect again segue for the for this other fucking truth bomb that i'm about to tell all you had diarrhea no oh every man i'm looking at you you and you every man wants to get fucked in the butt okay and they got shit in their ass right and i have many female friends and that who have boyfriends have had husbands who have ex-husbands ex-boyfriends and they in in the revelation always comes out i want you to rummage around in between me down there for the women and then sometimes they say they say oh no don't don't but you know that's that one it's like oh no don't don't it's like are you saying don't but you really right you're saying but you're you're you're it's a strange thing because it's like when you're in a they're in a committed relationship you would think that the communication lines are open enough to say like you don't have to play the games of like i i'm saying oh don't do that right you can just say actually i really want you to fuck me in the ass right because but that but those lines aren't open so it's because it's all taboo it's all unexplored it's all theoretical it's all repressed they don't even go down the train of thought it's like well you know what if i was mature enough and and confident enough and trusting enough to ask my wife to say you know hon i you know i hope you don't think this is nasty but i gotta tell you i really when we've been fucking i have been fantasizing non-stop about you jamming a big old dong up my asshole right and on that to that point if you're amenable i've watch these YouTube videos. actually asked my gay friend jeff how do i prepare my ass for that and i've gone to the trouble of doing that they're not doing this of course this is a fantasy so so so this is that doll you had that was like you look really thin today this is mr what was it mr perfect mr perfect yeah so but but so the reality that because of all those those communication lines are they've never been even connected there's no infrastructure they're asking it's two people with cans with no string between no strings and they're saying to the and and then the woman poor woman or whoever usually the woman the wife the girlfriend they're having their so what they're faced with or what they're presented with is so let me get this straight you want me to go down into this thicket of unwashed ass hair that hasn't been showered off since the last time you took a dump and you want me to lick it and then also stick my fingers in it and pull out shit covered digits and you think that that is somehow in any way erotic to me this is so widespread by the way the fact is so widespread the fact that sirius radio wanted us to come and work with them i'm doctor i'm sorry sirius you don't know who you brought on honey but we're dropping truth bombs over here about everybody in your building is this a party and you know what this includes it but you know what sequitur it this includes everyone who every radio station in every workplace ever so it all does make sense is this a party is this a party i don't know did you hose down your hole this is the other thing too it's like no did you even if i wasn't a drugs did you bring drugs because then it's a party or just getting an elevator of people you hope have drugs i hate that do you know any stoners i know who are like i know somebody where it's like girl you're a miss everyday stoner but you ain't never holding so what's the tea you you are you willing to get in the car and throw neck for weed every day like what the fuck is wrong with you why don't you go down to the dispensary and bring weed and say hey guys should we smoke a little weed that weed lover person who never has weed drives me insane it drives me crazy it drives me crazy it's like you know what it is it's people it's people who go to someone's house and don't bring a house don't bring a host gift fuck off fuck right off i don't care if it's small i don't care if it's just a card i don't care if it's just a little handwritten note a plant a succulent anything a bag of pretzels yeah why are you going places with nothing yeah why are you going places with nothing or with a burden with a burden but but but can i i i want to wrap this up because i have um i just have to tell everybody that last time we filmed there was a dog here and this person had the nerve to say when we're petting dogs we're not working oh i'm sorry miss productivity over here no miss nose to the grindstone herself no katie bug magoo so i have things are changing around here in here in here too in here in here you i'm afraid i'm afraid of the dog community coming for us but i i just want to say that i don't have the dog community right it's the pet community pet community and here's the thing about listen when i get a bird watch me become a pirate is on my shoulder all the time well i would shit falcon rate hello falconry you are on a cliff right on a cliff with it with the glove like julianne moore and sirens no i'll be flying like in a pack when i fly away home me and the parrot are going to fly to the studio i'm going to have one of those wriggly not wriggly brothers what's wait what's the right brother the right brothers i'm going to have the right brothers bike bike plane and me and my parrot are going to fly butterfly in the sky it's the reading rainbow yes take a look it's um where's trixie shirley she's oh she rode here on her cockatoo again she didn't stop calling her shirley hold on wait one last thing can i button it yeah of course can i button um okay i just want to say as far as dogs go what you see isn't always the truth as far as etiquette and what you think is appropriate so so in this is not necessary this is pet directed all pets all pets so um this is pet directed and okay i hate when people say the thing about me because you know it's nothing good people preface this thing with the thing about me is oh i hate that it's the one thing about me yeah that's not the only thing about you i'm really nice but if you do something i don't like i'll kill you so i love i truly love people sure i think people are the it's like the biggest flops and the biggest they're they're it's like alyssa says like they create they inspire they also disappoint and they you know they let us down but i love the relationships in my life i the people at at my age i have the the wonderful opportunity to have to know people for 20 years i'm not a pet person so i we're on the road i want to speak for you i'm on the road a lot shut up and what do i do sit home no no i'm saying 2022 you're on the road a lot 2022 she's getting in drag next in late september no no what did we do for 2021 to 2022 we were gone on like 100 city tour of like 180 like a year and a half we were gone we were okay we were never so what the am i going to do now you know what i don't want to even bring other people into it it's like people find all different ways to have pets i prefer humans i prefer humans i love humans yeah yeah oh my god oh my god well that's the whole the dog community that's what i was the puppy play yes so i had an altercation with a friend with a dog he brought his dog over we we cleared it this morning my friend to tell him please don't bring the dog i just had the cleaners because they ruined my couch and he brought the dog it was a whole awkward thing but then i talked to him and it was all fine we're so good and you helped me through it because it was a situation became awkward and it didn't need to be no but right so then i was like oh thank god just like nip it right away um i met i was at a pool party and i met these dogs these pup guys the oh my god this couple is so fabulous the mask on uh a couple people had the mask on i walk i walked to the into the pool party and goody proctor i had to i had to get another set of pearls because i clutched mine so hard they fell off right oh my god nudity in the pool what i would have freaked out i was like i was i was like mr wonderful would have been raptured oh he it would have been we would have been clear clear like i mean it would have been like instantly flatlining i i looked over i i thought one person but even i don't i don't think one person was naked and then another person was completely naked sitting up and the hard thing is it's never who you want oh no no never you want naked well actually so huge weenie queen um this the flaccid penis was enormous not like not freakish but i mean i was like i was like i as an adult man i was like i was like i was like to myself i was like i was like shocked and i was like oh wow i i bet that's a huge dick when it's hard anyways several people were naked many people were scantily clad i met these people in the pup community can i say this can i say this about the dog people i am the perfect landing spot because nobody will yes and that more than me i do that i'll do the head scratch i pat the head are we talking about the human dog or the dog the dog the gay people with the dog pop pops yes i'm always like uh when they don't sometimes at the the gay clubs and they don't talk they're like in character yeah yeah i'm fine with that i pat the head yeah yeah yeah i'm a i'm a i'm not sexually into it but i'm a i'm a i'm a supporter also it's drag it's the yes and 100 and also in my limited experience and observation the the nerve i i chuckle myself because i like the the mask comes off and i'm like oh it's carrie grant oh it's patrick wilson right oh it's brad pitt i mean it's every hot it's tom hardy i'm like you know what i mean it's the irony the artistry like someone makes the math yeah you know what else economy hurts nobody helps everybody fierce girl okay you're gonna die you're gonna die you're gonna die you