The Audience Is Gonna Hate Us w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Hey gang, I am going to be on tour starting this September. I'm going to be in London September 7th, second show added in London. Then we're going to be in Dublin on September 12th. After that, coming to America November 6th in Memphis. Then Huntsville, Alabama, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, and then Myrtle Beach, classy Myrtle Beach, Austin, and Boston. And we will be adding more shows soon. But if you want to come see me, please check me out there. That's it, baby. And then I will be the big one September 5th, Chicago Theater, September 11th, Theater at Madison Square Garden, and then September 27th, Saudi Arabia, baby. So come see me. I'm also in Boston in October. Got shows lined up at the Wilbur, the Chevalier. Just go to chrisdcomedy.com for Tiki Wikis. Thanks for all the support. 100% Cheers. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Two Bears, One Cave, Summer Bears Edition number five. Wow. With me, Stavros Halkis, and my pal, Chris DeStefano. That's it. We're here. We have just eaten probably 1,500 calories of sweets. I'm so fucked. Honestly, I'm going to fucking kill Benson Spoon. Dude. Both of you actually are sabotaging me. It's your fault. Sorry about that. This is your only escape from your family. I know that your fiancee is watching what you're eating. Now that she's got you legally, you can't die. Right. You know what I mean? Until you're married, and she gets everything if you die, she's got to keep you alive. So it's a lot of egg white omelets. It's a lot of working out. So you and our text chain, one of us is fat as shit is trying to change his fucking life, Chris. And you pretend like you're a friend who supports me. But every time I come here, you demand Benson Spoon gets us. Well, a whole coterie of fucking. Desserts. Well, I got to be. And what am I going to do? Have any self-control? No. I'm going to eat the tiramisu. I'm going to eat whatever delicious shit. And there was a bagel. I packed a lunch. Dude, I know. I packed a fucking breakfast even. Yeah. And then I see a bagel. What am I, not going to eat the fucking bagel? Yeah, but here's the thing. The lunch that you packed is salmon and chicken and broccoli. So it's the thought that counts. I know. Right now, in the studio fridge, there is salmon, broccoli, and a half cup of rice. I didn't even give myself a full cup of rice. And I've eaten three fucking desserts. I love that you have salmon, broccoli, and chicken in the fridge and tiramisu in your belly button. I'm fucked. Dude, well, I didn't know what to do because I actually was concerned because Stavros, myself, and Benson Spoon have a group chat where we go over when we're going to come in and film this, what it is. And Stavros just hasn't responded in two weeks. That's true. That's my fault. So I texted him this morning thinking, dude, are you dead? Am I going to find your body? And Astoria with a half-eaten Turkey Hill ice cream container, porn, and a vote for Mom Donnie sign? Everything is right except Turkey Hill. You offended me. Sorry. It's not you fantasizing about my death. Did you think I would be eating low-quality ice cream like fucking Turkey Hill? Sorry about that. I'd be Ben and Jerry's-ed up. I'd be maybe Jenny's even. I know, dude. You are sold out everywhere you go. So you are Ben and Jerry's. You were Turkey Hill three years ago. Oh, my youth. In my youth, we had the. We had the plastic tub with its own little plastic handle. That was the Neapolitan that you got at Costco. The best. Or Price Club, you know, back in the day. And then, obviously, the strawberry always goes last. Oh, yeah. They know what they're doing with Neapolitan. That's their way to sneak strawberry and the chocolate and vanilla superstars. The best, dude. And then they sneak a. I don't need a third. You should redo Neapolitan ice cream, and it should be maybe like. Now I'm bad with fractions. One-eighth? No. Hold on. Three-fifths. Yeah, fifths. That's the only fraction I know from history. No, I like that. Two-fifths chocolate, two-fifths vanilla, one-fifth strawberry. Yes. That's how we do it. Well, it's also two, if we're just being honest. Or maybe three-sevenths, three-sevenths, one-sevenths. I also don't want any fruit at all in my ice cream. That's a great point. It's like, just give me a Brussels sprout. No, no. That's a really good point. How did strawberry sneak its way into being the default fruit ice cream flavor? It's weird, because it could be blueberry ice cream, it could be apple ice cream, but why strawberry? It's not even conceived of blueberry ice cream, but it could be. You know what's wild about it? Pineapple sorbet. Pineapple sorbet. Pineapple. Have the jizz smelling amazing. Mango. A mango would be fucking good. Now you're talking to the Puerto Ricans. Really? The big mango guys? Puerto Ricans love mangoes. Oh, dude. You know strawberries are the only fruit that, oh, and not the only fruit. I know they are a fruit that they have their seeds on the outside, so when you eat them, and that's because they know through nature they've learned how to procreate and just keep recreating versions of themselves. When you eat them, and then you take a poop, you technically poop the seeds out. The seeds right out. Right out, so they know, so they just, they never die, dude. It's like a guy walking around covered in his own jizz. Exactly. That's what a strawberry is. So it's like, ooh, maybe some jizz gets in there. Right, so that's why when you see me in the streets and I have jizz all over, my own jizz all over my face, it's I'm just being a strawberry and trying to keep, that's me saying I want to be immortal. That's my longevity, everything's into longevity now. I need more children, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, like that guy, the vampire guy? Right. Brian Johnson, who does, who just looks like, you know, he just looks like a gay guy. Oh, yeah. Like he doesn't, he just looks like a gay guy with a younger boyfriend, I don't even know if the guy's gay, but whatever he's done to himself makes him look sort of like Liberace, did you see Behind the Candelabra? Oh, yeah. The Liberace movie? Yeah, but don't tell the friends in my neighborhood that I saw that. Yeah. Yeah, I thought, yeah, I mean, there must have been Italian guys who were like, this guy, he's flashy just like me in the 70s. A hundred percent. There must have been guys who were just like, Liberace, he ain't fucking gay. Yeah, he's just. He's got jewelry. He's got jewelry, he's got talent. Yeah. I think I, first of all, too, I just want to quickly say that, although, yes, the sweets were here today, and I did say in the group chat that I like a little bit extra treats. I said I want my egg whites, avocado on rye bread, which was done, and I said maybe a fun little sweet treat for us, and then Benson Spoon, first of all, Benson Spoon shows up an hour late dressed like a lesbian. Right. Okay? He's got to look good. He is wearing Benson. I think it's gone to his head. Yes. The Benson Spoon comparison has gone to, he came in a jean jacket. Yeah. He does look like he's, he looks like he would finish last in a Benson Spoon lookalike contest. He looks like, and he does look like, to me, even though he does look good, he does look like. He looks like. He would crack his head trying to do the back flip. Yes. He would. Yeah. And he does, it is kind of lesbian vibes with his boots. He looks. He looks. He looks like a WNBA player going into the game. You know, like when they walk in, and they have their cool outfit, like he looks like Caitlin Clark walking into the arena. They're looking good, by the way. Oh, God. So is Benson Spoon, dude. That's why I'm saying it. I want to rub tiramisu all over his man pussy. That's the only way. If you, if I came in here and there was a tiramisu right, like in his hole. Yeah. Then I would put the odds down to like 30, 70. I eat it. It wouldn't even be zero. I'll say, let's go 40, 60. Well, for you. For you. Yeah. A little higher, but. Yeah. Yeah. But he had the tiramisu, and he had the sweets, and it's like, we'll eat it anyway, because we're both sweet addicts, but it's as if the DoorDash guy just took it and threw it against the wall. The tiramisu and cupcakes were smeared along the edges of the box. That is another layer of how pathetic we are, is that it was like, we were basically like raccoons just fucking scraping it off the side. I couldn't even find forks at first. We were doing it with our bare hands. Like 100%. And if our mothers were here, they would have yelled at us for, they, I 100%, you and I would have gotten yelled at separately by our mothers for, and by the way, it's not like we were doing it in the studio. There's a public common area out there with other workers starting to work for this network that we were eating in front of, and they were probably like, who are these absolute pigs? I know. We really, we started the day very piggish. Yes. Two pigs, one pen is what this fucking. That's what it is. Was what the, yeah. We really are disgusting, but I gotta be honest, at least right now, they're catching us. That's why it's good the camera's on. Because I have a sugar rush where my heart is literally beating to a point where it might be kind of dangerous because I've had three coffees and I literally, I mean, dude, I ate my egg sandwich and I ate those tiramisu's and I didn't even tell you, dude, I ate a sleeve, not a sleeve, I ate a pack of Oreo cookies I got from 7-Eleven on the way in here. Just to get going. Dude, just to prime the pump. Yeah. I was doing so good with my diet and then the last 48 hours, you ever just fall off the rails? What were you talking to? Like out of nowhere, like I don't know what happened. I went to my stepmom. I went to my stepmom's retirement party and I had like some gelato and I had some like a little bit of pasta and it was kind of like a, like it warmed me up and then I, I didn't eat anything else the rest of that night. I stayed healthy, but then I woke up the next day and it was, dude, I ate a Cinnabon. I started doing the thing that I used to do because I weigh 215 right now. I used to be 255 and I, and I, and I used to do that thing where I would go into the can I get a toasted bagel with cream cheese? Can I get a bacon, egg and cheese? Uh, can I get a bacon, egg and cheese on a hero? And then I'd say, Oh, what else did she say she wants? But all this is for me. And I did it and I did it again at the local bagel store in the new neighborhood I just moved into. Well, they don't know me yet. They know, but it's new. And the guy literally said to me, he goes, are you having a party or something? Cause it was 8am and I was like, Oh, I got a big family. And he was like, you spent $130 at a bagel store. So when you're, if you're a bagel lover, you're a bagel lover. If you're spending over $50 at a bagel store, that's an issue. Which, who are you talking to? I know. You want to hear a fucked up order? You want to hear when I really would put my nuts on the table? Yes. When I'm talking, I'm 350 and I'm having, I'm starting my day with edibles. And I'm like, just like, let's, you know, and I'm still high from the night before. And I'm like, what do I want as a nice, how fucked up my bagel order got? I would do a everything classic, you know, nothing, nothing there, toasted. Two eggs, sausage and bacon. Ooh. Sausage and bacon. Because, you know, there's not enough. And then I, no cheese. Okay. But then I would. Keep the saturated fats down. No, no, no, no, no, no. Because there was enough. For me, this was all about getting every bite uniform and delicious. That's why I got two meats. Because God forbid there'd be one bite where there's not a little bit of meat, right? Yeah. That's why I would get, and I would even like take this apart and like organize every bite. So, same problem with cheese. Sometimes it's not uniform. So, what do I do? My place, the place I lived at had their, they had their own bacon, scallion, it was like bacon, scallion, sriracha cream cheese. Whoa. And that became the cheese. Throw that on there, smear that so every inch of the thing is covered in. I'd add a fucking hash brown into the sandwich. And if my dick was really feeling hard, I would add avocado. Before I ate it, I would pre-salt the avocado. Because there's not enough salt in every bite. And that was like my, when I'm really a fucking piece of shit. And then I would do the thing where I'd be like, time for a dessert bagel. And just get, just get either plain with strawberry cream cheese. Or I would get a cinnamon raisin with then cinnamon cream cheese. So, and that would be just the start of my day. And then imagine having to do things. And then I would be doing stuff, dude. Like, that's the insanity. I mean, I would probably bang some Adderall. Yeah. I was doing like the very. The fat guy, the like low-grade speed balls of edibles, Adderall. And here's the thing. After you finish that dessert bagel, you were still hungry. You could just keep going probably. I was, I would just be catatonic for about 40 minutes. Like, I would just be like. Yeah, it's like doing drugs. And then I'd be like, oh, fuck. Okay, time for the fucking podcast. You know? And then I would be on. And then I'd be like, how about a whole pizza and fucking 14 wings? You would do that. So, do you think there's days in your life where you. 10,000 calories in a day easy? 8,000? 7,000? Yeah. 7,000, no problem. Yeah, why not? 7,000, no problem. By the way. I can't eat like that anymore. Although, who knows? Even what we did out there was pretty. Dude, just take the chicken and salmon and start dipping it in the tiramisu. Dude, sauces. When you get sauced up. Because I'm a big sauce boy. Sauces will. Oh, Korean barbecue. One of my favorite dipping sauces is purely sesame oil and salt. Yeah. They don't tell you about that. Yeah. There's some special sauces. Special sauces they don't think. Because they don't think the gringo knows about it, right? Yeah, but they do. And then I say, hey, where's my sesame oil? And I see the respect on the Korean waiter's face when he knows. And I'm like, and bring that fucking, there's a red bean paste as well. Oh, yeah. That's good as fuck. Anyway. But you've got yourself under control. This is what happens when we start talking bagels and fucking desserts. Dude, well, I love because. My dick's getting hard right now. I love. Well, and that's what it is, too, is I love like the truckers listening to this podcast are all careening off the side of whatever interstate they're delivering to. Yeah. I love that. I love that we're going to see on the news, you know, a 30 truck pileup and all the, it's like, Stavi was talking about scallion cream cheese. Shout out to the fat boys and fat girls out there. Love it. Here, this is pornography for the obese. This really is, dude. Dude, you know, I got family trying to manage the mortgage, the kids' schools, the wife wants if she wants a butt thing, whatever. The many defamation lawsuits. Exactly, dude. I got to buy different hats because I don't like the way my hair looks. Sure. Dude, it's just spending money. And I said, if I'm going to be. If I'm doing this, I have to figure out a way how to like be smart with the money and how to, you know, like invest properly. And I found acorns. You did? Acorns, dude. I was looking. Acorns. It's amazing. I feel like a squirrel out there. Acorns. It's easy to start doing more with your money. In fact, you can start automatically investing with just your spare change. Dude, investing, compounding, investing, all that. This is how, this is, if you want to be rich like Tom Segura and Bert Greischer, the amount of money. Tom and Bert made off those poor washcloths. When they invested in acorns, they doubled it. So that's, the washcloths should just say acorns. It is awesome. Plus, acorns can support your money goals in life. 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I don't know if I should have been thinking about this person from my past doing that thing. It's like, I'm jerking off. It's like, I think the actress Jodie Sweetin, who played Stephanie in Full House, is smoking hot. But the problem is what have I jerked off to her when she was, in the 90s, you know, so it's like, if you think about that, you're like, yeah, but you're jerking off. Yeah. No, it's true. When you go, your memories need to age up with you. Yes, yeah. Just because you jacked off to something, you jacked off to Saved by the Bell when you were in high school. Yeah. You are not allowed to jack off to Kelly Kapowski anymore, pal. No, you can't jerk off. It's got to be, by the way, she was in a procedural, she was in like a cop show when I was in high school. Right. She was looking fucking, I jacked off to that level. Yeah, yeah, you can't jerk off to Topanga. You can't jerk off to Topanga from Boy Meets World today. You were doing it, we were all doing it in the 90s. You can do it today. No, but not, she's 14 or something. No, no, no, no, no, that's what I mean, her now. Yeah, her now, yes, her now. I'm saying you can't go back that much. No, you cannot. Yeah, I mean, women's world is brutal. They're like literal children. Yeah, I'm coming to Fred Savage, I'm like that. Yeah, you're like, all right, it doesn't even get to her, you just see Fred Savage's curly head, you're like, oh. Yeah, you're just coming. Thinking about Mr. Feeney eating your ass? No, but it's, you know. Nice penis, Mr. DiStefano. So I, because I'm trying to, you know, like get in shape, so I'm aware that I'm not like a fat mess, because sometimes people yell at me on the internet, they're like, you always talk about how you're fat, you're not fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, but my brain, I have the definite, my parents at times in their life were both overweight. I have the fat gene and I have the guilt. And like I notice like Jasmine, she has no guilt. If she eats something, she's like, I let it go. Like I'm enjoying it. Why would I? Why would I eat the food and then not enjoy it? Do you think it's just food though, or do you have a guilt issue overall? It's called being a Catholic. I have guilt because I have guilt about things constantly. Like there'll be times where like I'll get in, I don't, you know, you know me, I'm not really that confrontational of a guy. I want just people to be happy. I'm like, I'm happy with what I, so I try to just avoid it if I can. That's how I am. I'm what's known in my neighborhood as a big pussy. So, so, so I. Hey guys, we're going to go fuck Chris's girl. You guys come in. Yeah. He's got talent. So. He's over there shooting free throws with his dad again. We're all going to get head from his girl while he's doing that. While he's shooting free throws over the broom, his dad's holding up that he's making believe it's a black guy. So. I do love that. I mean, we don't have to get into again that you've told the story a bunch, but I do love that your dad just snuck in racism. Always. Just. Yeah. Training you. Like a wholesome father-son moment. He's like, let's be a little racist here. You know, I've said it before. The name on the broom, piece of tape named Leroy. Right. And it's just what it is. Could have been. The guy's name could have been John. Could have been. Yeah. Could have been John. And Leroy. And you say, okay, Leroy. Leroy's tough. Could be a name. But then, well, what made it even worse is he taped a weed to the edge of it. Your dad also was in blackface. Yes, he was. And he was saying the N-word a lot. Yeah, that's what it is. But in his head, he was doing it in character. Right. He's like, I'm just trying to mimic what you might see in the NBA on the off chance you make it as a five foot eight kid with psoriasis and a mushroom haircut from Supercuts that can make. You get a one out of every seven threes. Supercuts. Oh, dude, I would just, my mom would take me there and just ask for the number six. Yeah. Oh, it sucked with a lemon tree. Did you ever get, did you ever go to like a lady's house? Like, did your mom ever have a friend who did cut hair in her kitchen? That we didn't, but I would go to like a Dominican lady that wasn't my mom's friend. Her salon was just on the second floor of her, but she was hot and everyone would go get their haircuts there because her big tits would just hit your shoulder. Dude, my first week in New York, right? I, um, I. Didn't, you know, I was just like, it was like, I didn't know where I was going. I know I was just like walking around namelessly, you know, being a man when you're from, when you're like an artsy little fucking, you know, nerd who lives on the East coast. Like New York is like, it's like, it feels like Hogwarts to you. Like, I don't want to be a gay ass wizard. I want to be a gay ass comedian. Right. So to me, New York is like this feel. And it's like, you go, you see, you're like, that's where George Carlin went on stage. Totally. Totally. Like a little. Yeah. Walking by the cellar and being like, oh, I'm going to one day, I'm going to be there. Yeah. One day. Yeah. And it happens and it's like, it's a club. Yeah. And then that, yeah. It's like, who cares? And you realize like, oh, this all sucks. Yeah. This life sucks. Nothing's good. I mean, the clubs are great, but you just, we, we, we're all dead inside. You never get to be happy. Like, happiness is an illusion. That's why we eat tiramisu out of the box. And it's early, by the way. We did. It was 9.59 a.m. We're eating tiramisu. Big time. Yeah. Um, and I, I, I was rocking the shaved look, you know. I remember. I was fighting, I was fighting my, or I, you know, I was shamed by society. Right. To shave my head back then. And I was looking a little, you know, I had just moved. I hadn't, so I was like, let me just go to like a cheap place, get a buzz real quick. And it was a Dominican woman with fat tits who was gorgeous and who called me poppy. And I was legitimate. I jacked off. Sure. Like in a public bathroom. Yeah. Like moments after getting a haircut. Like it might've been like a grazed papaya. I went to some, I was trying to do like New York shit. I went to some New, like, or a bodega or something. And I was like, do you guys have a bathroom? And I just, just the idea of getting, of fucking this lady who shaved my head because I felt her tits on my shoulders and she called me poppy. I was just like. With her nice little Dominican accent. It was insane. I believe it. Fuck, where was that place? Let's go there tonight. It was somewhere on the east side because it was, remember there was, um. Yeah. There was an open mic revisions lounge. Oh yeah. Revisions lounge. And I think I even saw you. Dude, I remember when you got here to New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody loved you right away. And I remember the very first time I saw you, you were on, uh, you know what dude. And Bobby Kelly was one of the first guys to kind of be doing like live streaming. He was, yeah, yeah. And Bobby, you know, is, is, is lost a lot of weight now, but back in those days he was pretty heavy and you were sitting in between Bobby Kelly and then comedian Louie Katz and you, we could chime in on the chat and I chimed in, I was like, yo, that kid's got a lot of weight sitting in the middle of you. It looks like if Bobby Kelly and Louie had a baby because you had the glasses like Louie and fat like Bobby. But I remember dude, yeah, you came in, but I remember that shaved, I remember the shaved head missing tooth look was next level. Thank you. It literally, it was one of those ones where it's like, I guarantee you the FBI just looked a little bit closer at you because you look like a guy would be laying on a roof with a sniper rifle taking shots at the press. It was awesome to be toothless. That was the happiest years of my life, legit toothless. But you still, the thing is what I always say, because people, people, people, people, people, people have, I don't know why people have brought this up to me about you with the hair and the tooth, but like what was going on there. And I said, I, I don't know for sure, but I would argue, I said, because the way Stavi holds himself is so confident and you have so much confidence within whatever look or whatever you're doing that I said, I bet you he got the most puss during that time. I was in a, like the, the close, the only time I've ever been in like a happy relationship was then, was then. Oh, that's interesting. And in hindsight, I feel really bad. She was a great girl. And like, she clearly did not like that I was toothless. Right. Like, I remember her being just like, like, she was just like, just put the tooth in when you meet my family. I was going to say, I would love to see, I would love to see the warning text between her and her family or group chat or sister just saying he's a really nice guy. I crushed it with the tooth in, but I met like some of her work friends without a tooth. And she was like, she was, she couldn't believe she had to tell me, put your tooth in before you meet my wife. Yeah, like, like, like she was so upset. I mean, that was probably the beginning of the end. Well, I was going to say like, it's a few years ago, like them being like, okay, wait, so what? He lives in an apartment in Astoria, right? He's a little overweight. He's got three roommates. He has no teeth. And his podcast is called Come Town. And you want to marry this guy. Honey, we'll do it for you, but we really don't think it's going to work. You know? But yes, that was a beautiful time. The toothless years were the happiest years of my life. But see, but cause that's the thing is like everything in life is like mindset. And I feel like you're like, even before we were talking outside and you were like, oh, like you were like, I, you're getting really good at like photography. And like, you know, you know how to like do maybe 2026 nude calendar coming out actually very soon. But see, I'm saying you have confidence in a way like I don't have the confidence. Like you would see the two of us and be like, oh, he's probably not confident. I'm probably more confident, but it's the reverse. You're very confident, but not in a cocky way. You're confident in a powerful way. And I don't think I can do anything. It's interesting. Why do you think that is about you? Well, I'm bringing up the mindset of this is probably feeding back into like the guilt and the sweets and that everything is shame. Everything is you're not good enough. Everything, you know what I mean? So it's probably Catholicism all ties in. Right. This might just be Greek Orthodox versus Catholicism. This is what I'm saying. This is the main difference. Because we barely are a religion. Right. It's really just a building where you have dances and you can sell. Right. Luku Mavis and, and like, you know, Suvlaki to like keep things afloat. Right. But it's like, no, we didn't like, I didn't learn. I didn't learn any of the lessons about no God or any, I don't know shit about the Bible. Yeah. I didn't, they didn't teach us any of that shit. And like, there's not that much guilt. I went to confession like one time because I went to church camp one week. Right. And our church camp was just the only camp, the only camp, my parents, the only sleep away camp. My parents, my parents were like scared. I got, I was going to get my whole life. Right. Which, you know, part of me, I'm like, did I black it out? Yeah. Like, cause my parents are so, they wouldn't let me sleep over anyone's house. Right. They were so freaked out. And I'm like, did somebody fucking suck me off when I was four? And I just completely, like, I've, I've literally like meditated and been like, did that guy suck my dick? Come on, I can handle it. I can handle it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be like, come on. I, I'm, I'm strong enough now, you know, open Pandora's box, but no, I can't think of, even though I was adorable. You were. Oh my God. I was, I was, I peaked at three, like I was such a cute baby. Cherub. I peaked at three, bro. I was so cute. Little bow tie. My mom would dress me up nice. Well, I feel like. I feel like it's coming full circle now. Cause now you're starting to look like you're just, you're just getting hot again. Well, I've always said four, I was meant to be in my forties. Right. I am actually peaking in my forties because like everyone's going bald and can't handle it. Right. Yeah. I'm right. I'm 37, 36, 36. Yeah. So I'm prime, I'm getting primed and I'm just, all I want to do by the time I'm 40, get big arms. Great. Fat guy with big arms. The best. In your forties. Great. You know what you should do? Crossfit. Crossfit is what we'll get. There's no chance I'm doing that. I'm just saying it's one way, it's one way. Just an immediate no. Bring in the tiramisu. Chris, you know, we're. basically small business owners small business stavi baby enterprises you know yes am i loaning out some of my uh expertise here on two bears yes but i myself am a small business owner yes you have my own podcast company i have my own you know stavi's world obviously uh we're on the road i have my own road business merchandising right i sell the stavi baby 20 the stavi baby erotic calendar every year and you know i used to do that it used to be brutal i used to sell my own t-shirts out of a garbage bags i wouldn't track shit i would lose money i would sometimes i would just honestly there were times where i just didn't feel like paying to have it shipped back if i i thought i was going to sell a bunch of calendars because i didn't do the math right and i just left them at a club yeah you know there's like thousands of dollars there's a funny bone with 700 dollars worth of 2021 calendars yeah they're just giving them out with like any purchase over a hundred dollars at the date and funny bone still to this day yeah but i have since you know what's helped me grow my business shopify shopify shopify such a wonderful e-commerce business they will help you grow no matter what you're selling right they will help your business grow imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient you kind of scroll down right as i was reading something there imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always you got spooned i got spooned baby imagine endless aisles shipped to customer buying online pick up in store all made simpler so customers can shop how they want and staff have the tools to close the sale every time like it in fact it's proven folks based on a report from ey businesses on shopify point of sale see real results like 22 better total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to an 8.9 uplift in sales on average relative to the market set survey i don't know anything about that shit to be honest i don't know anything about that shit to be honest with you i just know my shit's gotten better since i got shopify 100 you want these egghead numbers that i can barely read or do you want my real 100 uh i have used this company um you know my feelings because i'm a feelings guy you are and i want and i feel deeply about shopify i love them and i think you will too get all the big stuff for your small business right with shopify sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com bears go to shopify.com bears shopify.com bears you know christopher i know you feel this way you're constantly moving you have a family to support yes you're dropping off pies to the law enforcement officials in your home hometown life moves fast for you and it moves fast for everybody else and sometimes you just need a way to relax recharge or stay focused that's it without making things more complicated than they already are you ever try meditating but then get stressed out about how bad your you aren't meditating i do samesies that's why i love via you do yeah because they actually make feeling good easy oh dude via is i would say they're changing the game in natural wellness would you really say that yeah they're combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create a real effect because i'm sick and tired of getting these pussy cannabinoids dude but via's got powerful they have in fact they have the solution for you to let you customize your experience whether you're looking for daily wellness laser focus or deep relaxation aka the kind of chill that makes you one with your couch you know that yeah actually never mind that point i was going to make oh so if you're 21 i was looking forward to it man i think it's actually the kind of thing that they expressly asked us not to do right but you know you are gonna you know what you're able to save yourself there because you're relaxed you're chilling because you're on via i'm laser focused dude do two via via so if you're 21 plus check out the link to via in our description use the code bears to receive 15 off free shipping on orders over 100 and if you're new to via get a free gift of your choice after your purchase they ask you where you've heard about them please support our show and tell them we sent you enhance your every day with via what a slogan no i just want to fucking yeah you know go with it workout and then fucking get some weights in your new apartment i got some weights oh there you go throw them around i was i was fucking getting swole yesterday hell yeah but i think that i think that's why i was bringing this up because i wanted to bring this up so i got and this is just this is you got to tell me you got to tell me because you know at times i could be like a little bitch boy in your own your own head and my in my own head a lot and i know it's gay i've seen your comments i know it's gay i mean keep keep saying it but just just know that i'm not not responding to you because it upsets me it's just they're so many overwhelming comments of it that i just can't always do it they're like you're not actually homosexual but you are gay right i know and it's also like like they're mad at you for not actually being gay well and it's also too i just want to encourage like please keep bringing the comments you know whenever but i i've already eminem myself there's nothing that you've said about me that i haven't already publicly said about myself in a car i mean i literally was i got the the the screaming that i got from my mother last week for saying that i had sex in her bedroom so like just know like i know that's interesting i publicly say everything about me always did she not know i mean infuriated she never had any idea no and like seven of her friends sent her that clip she's like i i get a call she goes i see the call coming crib and i say uh-oh i kind of just knew and she didn't it wasn't even though because my mom always be like hello where are you how's it but it wasn't even that i go hello she goes christopher why do i have to get the clip of you talking about you having sex in my bedroom from janine why is janine sending me that fucking clip she's like i told you stop embarrassing this family on the podcast and then i was like and then while we're on the phone i'm like explaining it to her right i'm like you know mom like i'm a grown man now i could be able to say things like that one of her other friends sent her the clip she's like yeah i swear to god she's like now i'm getting it from mary so she did not know you were fucking in her well i said to her i said mom mom i get i get that i i get that coming out with is crazy i get that but why are you mad right like what do you have to wash the sheets that was in 1999 in my jizz yeah exactly you've been rolling around in it for 25 years because there's no way you change the sheets no dude and there's no way she changed the carpet dude i used to do it on the floor too flooding her carpet but it's one of those things that's fucking awesome dude just getting screened there in that room no no just straight up bed no bed floor bed you know what she used to have in there you like i don't know if you remember this this was like late 90s early 2000 like pillows of people were like i had an ultimate warrior pillow i had like you know hulk hogan pillow of course i remember those those guys you know what i mean they're like small yeah yes she had a rosie o'donnell pillow and so you used to lay it on her bed and i would do things because i was just like a sick i would like you know make her bed in the morning or whatever like she went you know right and then i would put her panty right put them and i would put like ultimate warrior like eating out rosie o'donnell or rosie o'donnell laying on hulk hogan's taint so she was called pillow buddies they were because i remember them dude remember those my mom says she still has some of mine like in the basement so i'm like oh i gotta bring those out but so i was a big rosie o'donnell show fan by the way i loved it i was a little kid i was like rosie fucking rules i love that by the way you saying you're a fan of rosie o'donnell right now would divide the audience in half they're like are you talking it was a good show yeah it was a good show and look by the way i'm like a fat little child sure i also this is how funny it was like i obviously had no concept of what being gay was and like the one thing greek orthodoxy uh instills in you is like oh gay people are still wrong you know like they don't teach you any lessons but they still are like you should still be a bigot yeah uh and i remember literally this i was like maybe you know maybe i was like i don't know third grade fourth grade i remember like and they were like the back then it was the rumors of rosie o'donnell being gay and i remember being like she is not fucking gay i was like pissed off when someone would call her gay i'd be like and i remember praying that rosie o'donnell was straight i remember being like god just keep rosie straight i don't want rosie to go to hell i wanted her to be in i want to do her talk show in heaven yes i want her to throw a koosh ball at me in heaven yeah come on just keep her straight make ricky lake gay no i was a big ricky friend for other reasons yeah so okay so i'm not going to name the company but tell me just be honest okay because you again i'm i'm specifically doing this because you are confident and i'm like you so if you would handle this yes in an egoless way sure i'd be like okay but if this is going to even upset you i'll know i'm more on the right so i'm looking for honesty here okay okay even though this is a form of entertainment yeah the show that we're doing of course so i say so i get an email from and by the way this this show is a big show it's a big show that a-listers do so i'm aware of that already that this is a-listers like big guys do it so um they say it'd be we're reaching out with some opportunities and then they name the show and they say we'd love to feature you and shane gillis paired in an upcoming episode hilarious so right there but i'm okay with that because i'm like oh they got shane being paired with shane that's a big that's awesome i'm like that's great dude like seriously so then she goes transparently we've been in communication with shane's team but there hasn't been any significant movement oh my god right so now it's like okay that was a sinking fix i'm like oh wait Are they trying to use. Hey, we've already emailed Matt McCusker. He's not getting back to us either. Yeah. They say, I know you're tight with him, so. Let me check my email. I wonder if I got this, too. No, I actually already pitched you. They said no. I was like, I'm doing two bands with Stompy. Would he work? They're like, eh, no. They said, I know you're tight with Shane, so hoping it moves the needle a bit. More details below. Then they tell me about the show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I say, hey, would love to come on. Do you know when you'd want to shoot or release by? I have a show at Theater at Madison Square Garden on September 11th, christycomedy.com for tickets. I said, so if it can be before then, that would be great. And then I also said, if not, all good, let me know, thanks. I'm already being a bit of a wavering pussy. No, it's okay. You're fine so far. But then she writes back, amazing, yes, just heard we can do it before 9-11. Do you think you can get Shane on board? Hey, yeah, cool, whatever fucking date you want, but how about the point of what this is really about? So I'm like, okay. Can we double check? Are you talking about your more famous friend? Yes, yeah. That's why we're really asking you. No, they're real. I mean, they're completely fucking your ass. So then she goes, so then I go, I go, okay, great. And then I just flat out say, Shane doesn't live in New York City anymore, so I doubt he honestly can. I just was like, this way to just protect, because I'm not going to reach out to Shane. I don't have a transactional friendship. He's like my actual friend. So I'm like, I'm not just going to ask Shane for stuff. And also, he's not going to fly to New York to do this. No, Shane doesn't do anything he doesn't have to do. Nothing, it's like, and I get it. It is, yeah, and I absolutely. And it's a huge show, but even that, what does Shane need any of this shit for? Yeah, yeah. So then she goes, got you, curious. What about Theo Vaughn? Holy shit. Not even like, oh, all right. We'll just figure it out. We'll find someone else. Next up, what about Theo Vaughn? Oh my God. So then they say they want a paired episode, so transparently it's kind of contingent on that. Contingent? Then they go, if this opportunity doesn't work, we can also pivot and get you in studio to do some social concepts instead. Awesome. They're like, hey, you know, like, if you can't get somebody better than you, we'll let you do some bullshit that no one watches. You want to do the bull, yeah, the waste your time. And then I don't respond. Now I'm like, I'm not responding. And then she just this morning goes, morning, Chris, just wanted to flag the team can travel for the episode. Not sure where Shane is currently based, but if you have time. If you have a show where he's at, but if you have a show where he's at, we can do it there. Keep me posted. How do I respond to this? Wow. I mean, so let me ask you this. Yeah. I mean, yeah, this is crazy. You know that I'm, so even you. Yeah. Who's a confident guy. Sure. Would feel this, this, I'm being disrespected, even though I know my place in this. You are, yes. I'm being disrespected, and I could feel a way about that. I think you should just be like, hey, I'm not bait for my more famous friends. Like, you know, I don't want to do your fucking show. Yeah. Like, I don't want to do your fucking show. I don't have to do your fucking show. That, yeah, like that. That's, I mean, they clearly don't value you at all. Right. The only value is that you, your proximity to Shane. That's all it is. That's it. It's them being like, I don't give a fuck about you. Yeah. Like, let me just be honest. We don't care about you, Chris. Yes. Can you do our job? Right. Exactly. So you can be mostly cut out of it. Yeah, dude. Just have fucking DM Shane or Theo. Yeah, dude. It's like, suck my ass. Yeah, dude. I know it's like, whatever, but it's like. That's a tough one, man. Yeah, dude. And then the, you know, I just, look. But who cares? You know, whatever. But that's the good thing. If that happened to me, I think I would just be like, oh, I'm not doing this. You know what? Like, hey, I'm going to politely pass. Even the first one, it's like, I think my spidey senses would have gone off a little bit. Yeah. I mean, the very first one, because they're kind of saying it like, they have Shane. Like, if I had seen that, I'd have been like, this is not happening. Because I just know Shane wouldn't have done that. Right. There's no way Shane would have done that. He would have been like, oh, great. Sign me up. And then book one of my friends. Well, I think, too, what's the good thing, I think what happens is, too, is like everybody kind of wafts their own shit on the internet. Like, the show is humongous. Can't even deny it. But it's like, it's not like, I'll do your show. I don't care. You know? I mean, I would like to do it, but it's like. Who gives a fuck? The level of, like, I'm not going to go in there with this energy. Of course. And then I won't be fun or funny. Like, you know, so I'm just like, I just won't do it. I'm just happy doing. I'm just happy where my career is. Which is just taking Two Bears, One Cave to the end. Right, right, right, right. Just taking it to the end of the summer and the end of the show. The end of the show. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But so I'm happy to know that even you, because I literally, and even my girl, Jazz, was like, you need to let this go because it's been 24 hours of you talking to ChatGPT about what you could say back. Oh, no. Yeah. No, you can't be doing that. You can't be. Should I read some of the ChatGPT prompts? Please. Dude, that's pathetic. You can't do that shit. Hold on, hold on, hold on. No, not ChatGPT. Yeah, hold on, hold on. I go, I go. Yeah, give me the, what, let me, let me know what you asked it. Okay, so ChatGPT, okay, hold on, hold on. This is sad. This is more pathetic than fucking in your mom's bed. Yeah, so I said, so first of all, it's literally been, it's literally been since, since yesterday I've been dealing with this. So I said, I sent them screenshots of the text. Wow. I sent the screenshots of the email and I go to ChatGPT. Can't help but feel like they're using me to get more community. It's like feeling more established. Oh no, dude. ChatGPT. ChatGPT. You're looking at ChatGPT for moral support. Yes. And you're also, by the way, you're a bitch talking to ChatGPT like, I can't help but, it's not like, ChatGPT, I'm being disrespected. You're like, you're hoping ChatGPT says, no, Chris, they value you as a person. Right. Well, I had to turn to ChatGPT because Jasmine just stopped talking to me about it. She's like, I'm going to go in the pool with our children, so you should come and tell. We're so cooked if a man says, I'm going to go in the pool with our children. A man with a family turns to ChatGPT. Yes. You have friends. Yeah. You have friends who deal with this sort of thing. You could have called me. Right. You could have called any number of people, but you went to Chat, we're cooked. Well, that's what a content whore I am. I said, instead of just talking about this, talking to Stavi about this personally, let's just do it on the show. Let's monetize it. Yeah. Let's monetize friendship. Yeah. Which is what podcasting is. Hey, but you know what, guys? At least we're not talking about the Ferraris we bought each other. So that's a plus. This is how it starts, though. Yeah, that's true. So then ChatGPT says, from the email thread, it looks like they're initially pitching you as a paired appearance with Shane, but now they're making it sound like the booking is kind of contingent on the pairing. And I said, yeah, and I can't help but feel they think I'm the lesser comic. No, Dan. Yes, I swear to God. Oh, my God, Chris. It goes, then they go. I can't help but feel. Yes. Yes, yes, which I have all understanding of, but then they go, yeah, the way they're phrasing it does come off like they see you as the anchor guest, only if paired with someone they think has more mainstream pull. It's not that they don't value you. They clearly do. But their pitch reads like, Chris is great, but we need a bigger name to make this episode pop. That's an ego hit, especially when you're already doing huge numbers and have your own audience. I wouldn't say huge, but I do have my own audience. And then they go, listen, this happens a lot in media booking. They underestimate the size and loyalty. Then they say, oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's giving you a pep talk. Yes, it says they underestimate the size and loyalty of your fan base because they're chasing what they think looks good on paper. You have to stop. You could absolutely carry that episode and probably pull higher engagement than some of the more established comics they're naming. Well, not the two they've named. They would definitely crush me in the numbers. Oh, my God. Then I said. It's giving you a pep talk? Then they go, here's a way you could respond that's professional, but also subtly flips the script. And then they say, hey, totally get you want a paired episode, but honestly, I think we can make a strong one with just us. My audience is super engaged and I know they show up for it. That's pathetic. It wants you to grovel to them. Yes. If Shane or Theo can't make it work, I'm happy to still do the show and bring the energy. Oh, bring the energy. So then. You got to stop. So then. So then. And then I go, what would happen if I just didn't respond at all? And then they go, if you don't respond at all, you're sending one of two possible signals. One signal of disinterest. I'm too busy. Power move. Or a signal of passivity. Easy to replace. In this case, you'd lose the slot entirely without a fight. Wow. They want you to fight for it, man. They want me to fight for it. So then. So then I. You can't do it. Don't listen to ChatGPT. You can't do it. So then I. So then I go, hey, can you give me a comedic way to respond to them by. No. By making. Just because I know ChatGPT will send me something corny. Yeah. So they go. I said, but still give me a power move. They go, sure. They go, hey, right back. Pairing me with Shane or Theo sounds great. I'm in. If you can make that happen. But I'm not going to start stalking comics on Instagram like I'm a TMZ intern. Oh, wow. If you can lock them in, I'll show up and be funny. If not, I'm happy to come solo and still make a good episode. Jesus. Then they go, I can also give you a short one-line zinger version if you want to feel even breezer. Let me say. This is making my stomach turn. Sure. Give me that. Hold on. Let's see what they got. Here's a quick zinger you could drop. Happy to pair up, but I'm not running a dating service for comedians. Wow. Zinger. Zinger. Yeah. I mean, this is pathetic. That's pathetic. I mean. Well, I did it. I did it for you. I'm actually now on their side. I am fully on their side. I get it. Going to chat GPT, we've got to stop that. Hey, you know what? At least I was vulnerable enough to tell the audience. That's true. I'm not. That's what I think. That's why I think somewhere along the line, I do get man points back when I'll just tell everything that I've done. It's true. I'll be honest to everyone except my family. And they'll find out about it through the podcast. Right. Yes. They'll find out about your darkest secrets through the podcast for sure. Yes. That's fucking hilarious, dude. All right. Yeah. So basically, bottom line is. I'm going to do the show. Yeah. I'm going to do the show, and I've contacted Shane and Theo's reps. No, no. We just see in, like, a month, it's like you and Sal are doing the show. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, oh. Do you want to do the show? Should I ask if we could do Starburst? No, man. You don't even want to do it? No. Just because of the way they treated my friend Chris. Appreciate that, dude. Yeah. Thank you. It's ridiculous. I love that I have morals, and I'm standing up for myself here, but then I'll go to Saudi Arabia and make. Yeah, you're a piece of shit for that. Dude, I mean, like, I'm wavering. I'm wavering if I should not go. No, you're going. You know you're going. Just go, right? I mean, I. Sabura told me to go. I wouldn't go. Well, there you go. There you go. And he's giving us this podcast. I know. I, look, we don't have to keep talking about it. I don't even give a, I just think there's certain. Did we talk about it last week? I think we've talked about it before. Oh, all right. Sorry, I didn't forget. Yeah, yeah. I think so. I think so. Just because, there's just certain, I mean, but at the same time, almost no entertainment money comes from a good place. No. But, you know. It's like, do you want to take it from them, or do you want to take it from someone who's probably assaulted, you know, millions of people? Millions? Yeah, I don't know who I'm even talking about. Millions is crazy. Yeah. But yes, it is an industry propped up by sex criminals. Sure. And we're a part of it. And war criminals, and you know. And we're in there. We're in it. We're in it all. We certainly are. I mean, all of society really is, if we really get back to it. Right. You know? Well, every, and that's too, like, sometimes when I think about, like, like I said earlier, oh, I don't want to have sex. I don't want to have a transactional relationship with any of my friends. But it's like, everything, like, life is just, it's all transactional stuff. Like, in some ways. Some ways. I think it's, part of the problem is that we've kind of been, we're conditioned to think that way. Where it's like, instead of just being like, oh, it's my friend who I like to be around, and like, whatever happens. Right. You know, we're here for each other. When we can support, we can support. It's like, I do think, unfortunately, we are kind of trained to assign value to people in, essentially monetarily. Right. Which is not how, people have all the money. All kinds of different value and all, you know, you get, there's things that you can get out of a relationship that are much different than, can somebody help my career? Can somebody lead to me getting more money? It's just like, do I like being around this person? Right. How do I feel? You know, all that kind of shit. I think that's all the community-based stuff. And then also, like, you just do things because, like, that's the thing. It's like, a friend is just, ideally, friends and family are just people that are like, you are there for no matter what. That's the whole point. Right. Everything else, you figure it out. Well, my father always says, family is important, even if you don't have a family. You don't get along with them because they're the only people that were chosen for you. You didn't choose. You just were born into this, and they're a part of your sphere, and there's really no, nobody knows why. Yeah. You're just, they were chosen for you, so that's why they're big time important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you got to give your cousin money. Yeah. No, but I think what you're saying is that I feel that, like, you know, obviously, you know, we're all, we're all, every person has got a good and a bad side. We're all kind of living in this yin and the yang duality. There it is. But I do feel that. I very, I do, like, I do not ever want to just reach out to someone and say, I'm reaching out to you for, like, a friend. Like, I would never just reach out to you to be like, hey, I'm checking in on you, but also, can you help do this? I don't want, so that's why I was like, I would. Three texts later, it's what it's, you don't want to, you don't want to do to your friend with that. Exactly. I don't want to be that. I would never ask Shane or Theo that ever. I mean, if they, if we did it all together, great, but it's like, I would not, because I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to get involved. And people do that in our business all the time, because there's a desperation in our business that's wild. And so I'm like, I don't want to be part of that. Yeah. No, I'm with you. I think, I think, you know, you just got to, the desperation is fucking hilarious, how people would just be like, I need, I need this bag. I need it. But it's like, it's just like, even, I think social media has done that, where it's like everybody's, dude, I'm telling you, I think, I think, I don't know if we've said it here on this episode, but I have not been on social media for like eight weeks. I have, you know, my guy. My guy, Brian, aka Lancelot, runs it, and who's great. So I'm still a part, you know, it's a career, so I'll post videos on it, but I have not looked. That's good. And dude, the amount of, number one, you go, you get off your phone, the addict, I mean, I'm still addicted to my phone. Of course. But that addict, I mean, I found a way to bring it on the podcast just now for 20 minutes. Yeah, you're just talking to Chad GPT, be like, tell me I'm a good comedian. Yeah. Tell me my life's good. Yeah. Tell me, tell me I'm going to be a good husband. Yeah. Even though I'm really scared. Yeah. Tell me, yeah, tell me I got the right house. Yeah. Should I sell it? Yeah. Well, if you've been, sorry, go ahead. Well, so I'm saying like, you know, I feel like social media getting off it. Like, I'm telling you, dude, I really believe, even in these like past eight weeks, even if it would detrimental, like it would hurt my career in a very big way, because we're all so linked to social media, but if they ban social media, I'd be willing, just for the good of society and my own family and whatever, I'd be fully willing to like go back to becoming a physical therapist. Yeah. And social media is gone. Yeah. Because it is so, it is so beyond bad for you. I mean, there's, there's. How do you feel about that? Yeah, I mean, there's always so many, like right now, the funniest thing, because I've gotten, unfortunately, I've. You have great calves, by the way. Thank you. I appreciate that. I mean, I was talking about it, but they are stunning. You do, I'm back on, unfortunately, I've become re-addicted to my phone. Okay. And it is funny, it is pathetic what, like, gets, what people get mad at, like right now, like the controversies that people just get, people just want to be mad. They're addicted to being mad. It's so funny, the newest thing that, like, Republicans and conservatives are mad at is there's this, like, really gay Minnesota Vikings cheerleader. Okay. It's a male cheerleader. Ben, Benci, see if you can pull this guy up. He's hilarious. Senor Spoon. Senorita Spoon. Yeah. Dude, and they're mad. They're like, they're like, oh, can't believe this. This is what, and they're like Kevin Sorbo, the guy who played Herculean. Sure, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He does, like, I mean, look at this guy. He's fucking awesome. He looks fucking hilarious. Dude, yeah, that kind of, that, you know how, like, Tom and Bert did the girl filters? That looks like me if I did the girl, right? Look at those cheekbones, and it's like, it's like, I'm sorry, you're mad a male cheerleader is gay? Yeah, like. Like, what are we talking about? Oh, what the hell? I heard a softball coach is a lesbian. Yeah, it's like, hello. What are we fucking talking about? What do you think? Male cheerleaders are gay as hell. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah, dude, it's like, what do you think if they ever put on, like, a play about George Washington? A guy's playing George Washington, you think he's straight? No, dude. That guy will literally be reading, you know, documents from the colonial times with cum coming out of his butt on the stage. So, like, I agree with you. I mean, look, this is what gay guys are supposed to be. Exactly. What do you want him to do? This is, he literally, I mean, this is. He looks awesome. This is top shelf gay. This is a great gay. Look at those. Is he the first gay male? Of course not. There's thousands. No, but I, but it's interesting, because I never even thought about this. I thought NFL cheerleaders were only women. They have male NFL cheerleaders. And look, there's plenty of straight. I never knew that. There's plenty of straight guys, too, but it's like, you're telling me gay guys can't be cheerleaders? Yeah. What the fuck are we talking about? What kind of world is this? Where do we want gay guys to go? Yeah, seriously. I think. But, I mean, I guess that is the problem. They don't want gay people to exist. But what is the issue? What are they, what is the issue with this? Like, they're saying, like. Just that a gay person is involved in football, I guess. But it's like the guys tackling each other and then slapping each other in the butts after they score touchdowns is not gay? I mean, I'm sure there are gay guys in the locker room. There's a gay NFL player on the Raiders. He's openly gay. Yeah, exactly. Carl Nassib, right? Yeah. Something like that. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. He's a gay Muslim, it sounds like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, Nassib? I think he, I don't know if he's a white Muslim. Is he? Is he a white Muslim? He's white. Interesting. But, yeah, it's like, look at this guy and tell me he shouldn't be a cheerleader. Of course he should. I mean, look at his hair. Look at his cheekbones. Look at that cute little fucking smirk. I actually like him on the left better with the longer hair than the right, even though I don't think that's the same guy. Oh, there you go. Maybe that guy's gay as well, but everyone's mad at the first guy with the long hair, because he does do one gay guy, one awesome gay guy look that I love is, like, makeup and then facial hair. Yeah. Hilarious. It's so awesome. Yeah. Like, beautiful sparkling eyes and, like, a little blush, and then they got a mustache and people get so pissed off about it. Yeah. Look at him, dude. Look at those fucking eyebrows. Dude, this guy looks like, I got a, I love it, I got. I mean, you're gay, you 100% would get your ass licked a couple times by this guy. Oh, 1,000%. I mean. I mean, I would argue that I've, it's been licked before by him when I've been in Minnesota multiple times. Yeah, yeah. Look at those beautiful eyes. He honestly, to be honest with you, dude, and he looks to me, like, more feminine, like, with the lips and eyes. Like, I've definitely hooked up with girls who are closer to being a man. Less feminine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I would say this is a more, I've hooked up with girls who are more masculine than this. 100%. You know? So, like. I agree. I don't, I honestly, dude, to me, the gay, the, the, having a problem with, you know, with anybody or anything being gay is, the only one that I can see the point is the women in sports, is the men, biological, the transgender in sports, only because I understand that it does affect the women. I get that. But here's the thing about that, is that maybe at the absolute highest levels, and if it's a combat sport, we can have a discussion, but what's fucked up is most of this is kids that want to play sports. Yes. It's like, I, like, I have friends who have, like. I have, like, nieces and nephews who are trans that want to play just softball or whatever to learn what it's like to be a team player, to do that stuff. I'm in agreement on that. And, and like, that, and it's like, you know, that's, and that is way more of a problem. And also, it's just not an issue. Right. There's not that many people. I saw a tweet somewhere that was really funny. It's like, there's more pictures of Donald Trump with Ghislaine Maxwell than there are trans athletes in the NCAA. It's like, this is the fucking. Yeah. Like, that is like. The way people have made this a big deal. And it's like, look, I'll even say, whatever, at the highest levels of competition, if we want to have, if we want to, like. Yeah. Talk about it on a case-by-case basis, that's one thing. But by and large. It's another thing that's not a fucking problem that people make up because they just want, you know, they want someone who's weird to have a hard life. Right. I get, I totally, I understand that. I get, I get kids, I've always been okay with that. Because you've got to learn camaraderie, you've got to learn teamwork. But the older, the older, you know, at a professional level or an Olympic level, it's like, you know, because I just think about like girls, you know, then it's like not fair for like actual like, you know, biological females. If they're going to lose something, because the bottom, I mean, look, dude. Has that ever happened though? I mean, the one girl who was mad. The Leah Thomas is the one. That's the one case. But then the bitch that was fucking talking about it was like in fifth place. She sucked. Right. It's always people who are bad. I would argue if you're a real competitor, if you're like female Michael Jordan, you know how pissed, imagine Michael Jordan's a woman. Yeah. And Joanna man comes around. I would love to. Or like, or like a trans, it's like, and I took that personal. Like female Michael Jordan would beat. By, you know, would beat. Would try and beat trans. Dude. Trans like, you know. I would love. Claude Malone or whatever. I would love that. That's, that's going to be the equalizer. If you're a real competitor, go beat a trans woman. Yeah. If you're really about it. Yes. Tiger Woods, if he was a chick, he'd beat a fucking, a trans golfer. Well, when, when the first trans, what is it? Woman, male to female goes, plays basketball, WNBA, that would be like the Joanna man thing. When that happens, like Dwight Howard comes out there. That's going to be the thing that's going to, it's going to get to the, because somebody's going to, by the way. I think there are already, there are already like, like women who have kind of transitioned, who are sort of like non-binary-ish. Right, right. In the WNBA. That might be the most queer friendly league in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know, figure skating. Yeah. Right. I feel like they got a lot of mean straight girls in figure skating too. Yeah. Yeah. And there might be weirdly like a straight homophobic, like. Eastern European. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's like, who's like, I must beat these fucking homos. I might. I will triple axel straight. Straight. I will straightly beat these homosexuals. I think it's one of those things. You can't be a male figure skater and be straight because the moment you land a triple axel, they're like, that's gay. Yeah, I don't know. Just spinning around. I don't know. You might be able to fuck, I mean, those girls are hot. Yeah. You're right in the mix. It's like the theater, it's like the straight theater kid. Right. There's so. There's so much ass. There, yeah. Because like, if I had a, you know, if I had a son, I would tell him, do an activity that everyone thinks is gay, if you're straight, right? I mean, dude, if you're gay, you just want to suck off all the other theater boys, great. Why the hell not? But like, if you're straight, do theater. Do like something, be the manager of like the girls field hockey team. Do something that they think gay guys do because now you are actually, first of all, you'll learn to be comfortable around women. Right. You'll have actual friendships with them. And then. Someone's going to suck you off. Sure. Whereas I'm over here playing GameCube. Playing football. There's no pussy to be gotten anywhere. Yeah. All the cool guys on the football team, they get pussy. I had a friend who was 17 and had like, he was like a 32 year old mother, like mother of two. He was like, but he was like one of those kids who's 17 and like, you know. Yeah. Has a fucking Acura. Sure. Gets head from single mothers. Yeah. He ended up playing a little bit in the NFL. Like he was like fucking, you know. Yeah. These guys are awesome. Like I'm competing with those guys. Whereas like, I should have been in theater. Yeah. I should have been like getting sucked off. Or be an anime kid. Be a weird, go in a weird group because the weird kids suck and fuck. Right. In the ways where you're trying to like, when you're trying to be like popular, you're trying to win the regular game. That's a fucking fool's errand. Right. If you're, if you're a young boy, find a special interest with women and that way you will get your dick sucked and you will be more comfortable around women as you grow up. Dude, I think that should be our merch for this. Someone will suck you. Someone will suck you off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should be the merch. Yeah. I mean, dude, I agree. I agree. And I feel like, you know. Yeah. Sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead. My only point, and we don't have to actually make points. Let's try though. It's really hard. We're both pretty dumb. Yeah. And it's just comes down to. No, I want to be those comedians. Like we try to get serious and make points. Now, what I actually think. Tell me. No, I don't give a fuck actually. I'm done making points. You're right. You're right. Making points is gay. I know. I hate it. Dude, I told you. I hate slipping into like my real beliefs. I just think we should be nicer to people overall. There's a lot of people being dickheads and being like. I agree with that. And it's just like, look, dude. Gay people are hilarious and they're awesome. Yeah. People that are different than you make life better is really what it comes down to. Sure. Like that's all. That's the only. And I hate that I even think about getting political because we're just in a weird time. Where it's like people are very rude to a lot of different types of people who have made my life better. For no reason. And by the way, the people. Pupusas. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know, like just the cuisine, the cuisine that immigrants and the arts that gay people have brought on to me. Dude, the thing is we can't have the world that you love so much is only here because we're all here. Like we're all everybody. Without Twinks, I would have never had ketamine. A hundred percent, dude. Dude. And they're just like fun. Like gay people especially. By the way, I love that it only took five episodes for the fans to 100%. Begin to start to hate us now. So that's what we're doing. Here's a good. It's going like that now. Chris, thank you for understanding because we tried to throw the last one. Right. Right. But we actually made it funny the whole time. It got more views. So what we did, what we're doing, I tried the Trojan horse getting serious at the end. Yes. And being, having sort of like left opinions on social commentary. It's like, that's how we're actually going to fucking burn this to the ground. Yes. It's like, that's like we tried by just having a bad episode. This one, pretty, it's actually worse than the last one. Right. And we made it. And we made points. And we made points. And we started pontificating at the end. Yes. And then the only thing left to do now is on the next and final episode, let's just talk for an hour about the weeds of comedy. Oh. Just in and out. Comedy clubs. Yeah. Make fucking, we kind of did a little bit. I talked about revision lounge. Make like, make like specific, uh, like, like rooms that have been closed for years. Let's talk about that. And then the last 10 minutes, just cherry on top. Let's talk about the vaccine. Ooh, that's good. I'll piss everyone off. I'll be like a social leftist. Right. With like anti-vax opinions. Yes. Talking about how good, what a good, how healthy America has been made. Now that there's no vaccines and now Coca-Cola's made with real sugar. Right. That's health. I mean, I'm fat as shit, but it's like, it's still fucking sugar. You take the stance that Fauci isn't a war criminal. Fauci's awesome. Yep. And we need gay women to box. Right. We need, not just trans women. I want men to be able to fight women in the Olympics. Dude. By the way, I would say I got my VO2 max tested yesterday. Do you know what the VO2 max is? No. So what the VO2 max is, is you basically go, it is a test that according to like the leading experts now, you know, the research is always evolving, but they say this is the number one predictor of longevity. If you have a high enough VO2 max, you know, obviously anything can happen, but like just from a cardiovascular type thing, you will be okay because your heart can sustain. It's basically takes your heart to the highest level. It can go. And then based off. Is that when you have to jog with like the Bane mask on? Exactly. They put the mask on. So I did this test. I got blood work. They did all these tests, whatever. And so on the VO2, the guy running, it was this great gay guy, right? And he had like, he actually looked like the Minnesota Vikings cheerleader. It might actually have been him. It might have been him. But he was fun. So he, so he's fun. I mean, even because, you know, you're a little nervous. Like he's like, he's like, let me get this little mask on you. You know, he's like really flamboyant and fun. So he's like, and then he's like trying to tell you, he's like, you have such a giant head as he's like tightening. I swear to God, he said, he was like, I need to put my leg on something and give it a pull just to get this mask. And then he goes, is the mask on? He's just straddling you. He's just sitting. Yeah. He's just sitting on you like this. He goes, is the mask on tight? And I said, yeah. I said, yeah, it's, it's on, it's, you know, it's on relatively tight. And he was like, okay, good. And then he'd like, just for like, just to make sure he like pulled in and like strap, like kind of like hit the strap off my head. He was like, I didn't need to do that. I like to just have fun. So he just fucking hit me. So I get on the treadmill, right? And with the way it works is you warm up at 3.7 miles per hour. Oh God. That's a full sprint as far as I'm concerned. It's a, it's like a lot. It's like a walk. It's a power. I know what 3.7 is. 3.7. So you do that for three minutes. Four, to me, four is sprinting. So 3.7. And then you do that for, for three minutes as like the warmup. And then every minute they go up 0.6. 0.6? So it goes 4.3, you know, and then you keep. I'm, I'm literally done after four minutes. I'm not kidding. So, no, well, so what they do is they, they, you know, obviously you keep going up and then you basically have to hit a red button, but they can see like when your VO2 max is the highest. And then, so like I went, you know, kept going, like, you know, pushed as hard as I could. I almost blew out my Achilles. Yeah. But pushed as hard as I could. And then. What'd you get up to? I got actually up to 9.4. Get the fuck out of here. I swear you, or 9.whatever, one, whatever that math is. So you were there for like seven minutes or so? Yeah. So I actually moved my VO2 max into now, into like the, for 40 year olds. It's the 90th percentile. Good for you. Nice. So, but like, but your VO2 max will be different and, cause you're younger than me. Right. So it's like, I moved it up, but I've been trying to like work on that, whatever. So, but anyway, like, it was just fun. Cause he, I, I come off like, you know, he's like, you know, breathe, whatever. And then he's like, hey, he was like, I have good news and bad news. What do you want first? I was like, I was like, I guess the bad news. He was like, I'm better than you. He was like, you're like not even close to me. And I was like, okay. He was like, but do you want the good news now? I was like, yeah. He goes for a 40 year old, honey, you are fit. And he goes, and he goes, you have legit zaddy energy. No, he gave you zaddy energy? He goes, you have zaddy energy on that VO2 max time. He was like, let's. And then it was fun because he was just like funny. He was like, let's go over the results. And I was like, this is better than some like Russian doctor being like, I need to put you on statin. Totally. You need bill. No. This guy was like, let's go over it. So he's like breaking it down. He's like, what you can do better, what you can't, whatever. And then he goes, and then as I was leaving, this is why I just love like, because they're just honest. As I was leaving, a person who's coming in recognized me and was like, oh, you know, love, whatever. And I was like, oh, thanks. And then the guy's like, wait a second. No, I love that. That's another very important thing with gay culture. We need people to not respect us. Because they don't know who we are. We're not famous in the gay community. I need someone to judge me at the gym. Because when somebody recognizes me at the gym, like straight people are like, hey. Even if they don't know me, they're like a fat guy in the gym. They tip their cap. Someone who knows me is like, hell yeah. Gay people are pissed. Just jacked gay dudes. I went to the Hollywood, the West Hollywood like crunch. And the contempt that I saw from gay men. They were like, how dare you take up this machine, you hog. And I need that. I need to feel that. I also love the openness, too, of gay men. I remember one time I was at a Best Buy. And the guy who was helping me pick out a TV was like a flamboyant gay guy. And then same thing happened. Somebody recognized me. And he was like, oh, what are you doing? I was like, I'm a comedian. He was like, oh, my God. He was like, do you know my favorite comedian? And I was like, Matteo Lane. And he was like, yeah. How did you guess? I was like, you know, figured you were a fan of his, whatever. And then he goes, do you know him? And I was like, oh, yeah. He was a good friend of mine. And I was like, he's probably one of the most talented guys I've ever met. He goes, I blew him once in Chicago. I swear to God. And then he just said that to me, which is like, my family's there. And then just pivots. He's like, so do you want the insurance package on this? You should get a warranty. These things do break. It's a Vizio. Incredible stuff. But then the guy who my VO2 Max says, the other person, whatever, recognizes me. And then he goes, oh, my God, are you someone? Are you famous? And I was like, well, I'm not famous. I was like, and then the other guy, he was like, no, he's a well-known comedian. I was like, tell that to the freaking complex. And then he goes, and then the guy, and again, this is what I love. There's no bullshit at all. He goes, I don't know you, and I got to be honest with you. Comedy isn't for me. And I was like. This isn't unnecessary. Love you, dude. Unnecessary. Like, oh, cool. Just give me an oh, cool out the door. But unnecessary, but honestly. Love it. The honesty, like, I forgot your name, sir, but I love you. I love what you did. I love him, too. You're freaking awesome. Good for you, man. Yeah, I do. 90th percentile VO2. 90th percentile VO2 Max. And he said, and the only thing he said to me, because I've lost like 11 pounds. He was like, you've lost 11 pounds. Great work. He goes, but you still do have a little bit of extra fat on your hips. Yeah. So he just was like. You pinched it? Yeah, he was like, you are still kind of built like a stepmom, but, you know. Another thing, yeah, that's what gay guys bring, what lesbians bring, pants that fit my body type. Button downs that are meant for generous hips. Yes. You know? So we're all getting, you know, it's one big, beautiful world. Dude, shout out every community. I mean, I guess just being also being raised in New York City, like, it's tough to hate a group. You just realize how silly it is, because we've grown up in like this melting pot. It's so dumb to be like. Yeah. You don't like them for what reason? It's also, too, literally, I'm talking about a week ago, which is crazy. Yeah. My group chat, you know, with the ongoing war or whatever in the Middle East and Israel and Palestine and all that stuff. Because of social media. Right, yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I don't know that it's quite a fair fight. I know. I don't know that. Dude, I got such a divided home. Going to war is kind of unfair to the Palestinians. I know, dude. And it's tough for me being a father through all this, because I got a 10-year-old and a 4-year-old, and my 10-year-old's pro-Israel, the 4-year-old's pro-Palestine. So I got to do this. My 4-year-old's just. You got a 10-year-old Zionist? Yeah, I know. A Puerto Rican Zionist. My boy's just fully in Hamas going to daycare. So, but just like a week ago, dude, one of my boys was like, because, you know, with social media now, X or whatever, you know, you see the real videos. He goes, he sends to the group chat something to the effect of, oh, it's crazy. You've seen these videos out of Palestine? Like, these people are like people like us. It's like, yeah, yeah. It's like they're going to school. Yeah. Totally. And anywhere, anywhere you go from the Middle East to any war going on, it's like, yeah, dude, it would be as if there's, like, they're no different. They have the same brain. It would be as if your building is getting bombed or, like, your family just got killed in an active war zone. Yeah. So it's like, it's the same thing. We just are so privileged and blessed to be here. It'd be like if your family was trying to get food and somebody just shot you in the fucking head. Yes. It would be just like that. Yeah. It would be like, it would be like you falling into a trap. It would be like you falling into a trap that an evil occupying force is setting for you. Dude, I got to be honest, man. And after all the way that we just ended that, with that, if you are still listening to the podcast, you're the problem. This had to have done it. We've done everything we could to get you out of here. We're doing one more because we are contractually obligated. If you thought this was bad, just wait till next week. Oh, bro. Just wait till next week. Thank you for watching. It's the Summer Bears episode five, and we will see you next week. For an all politics, no joke episode. Absolutely. Don't forget to get vaccinated, kids. Yeah. And for six months open soon. Limited time offer. New members only BJ's home of the save.