The 4-Stage Recovery Roadmap and What to Work on at Each Stage

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. Today I want to talk about something that I think will really help you if you're feeling stuck or confused about where you are in your sobriety and what you should actually be working on. Because here's what I see all the time, people trying to fix everything at once. Or trying to skip ahead to the deep emotional work when you haven't even built a stable foundation yet and then you relapse or you burn out or you just stay stuck in the same patterns. So today I'm breaking down the four stages of recovery, what you should be focusing on at each stage and why you can't skip ahead. Now before we jump in, I want to say this, the timelines I'm giving you are general guidelines. They're not rules, right? For me I spent way more time than six months in stage two. I needed that time. But stage three went faster for me because I loved making amends, it was hands down, my favorite part of the steps. So anyway, don't get hung up on the timeline. What matters is that you're doing the work required in each stage before you move on to the next one. Remember, you get out of this exactly what you put into it. I do this in my private member community too. I have a success path and it breaks down exactly what you need to master in each stage before moving on to the next. So let's dive into this. Stage one is safety and stability. This is all about getting physically safe and building structure into your life. If you're in your first 30 days, listen, your brain is still detoxing. Your nervous system is recalibrating and your dopamine receptors are shot. You are not operating at full capacity. And that's okay. But you need to know that so you don't expect yourself to be fixing your whole life right now. Here's what stage one actually looks like. First, get medically safe. If you're going through withdrawal or you've been drinking heavily for years, talk to a doctor. Alcohol is one of the only withdrawals you can die from. And there's no rhyme or reason as to who has significant issues and who doesn't. It's not about how much you drink or how often you drink. There's no way to know. So get some medical attention. Make sure your vitals are stable. Your body's good. That's number one. Second, create physical routines. And I'm talking about the basics here. When you wake up, when you eat, when you go to bed, your brain craves predictability right now because everything else feels unstable. So give it that. Third, remove triggers from your environment. Get the alcohol out of your house. Unfollow the wine influencers on Instagram. Stop going to happy hour with your drinking friends. It's not being dramatic. And here's the hardest part of stage one. It's filling the void. Drinking took up a lot of time. It took up mental space. It took up emotional energy. And now there's this giant hole in your day and you don't know what to do with it. So you fill it with structure, not with deep soul searching, not with massive life changes, just structure. Go for a walk at 7 p.m. Take a bath at 9 p.m. Watch a show. Read a book, call a friend. It doesn't have to be profound. It just has to fill the space. The goal in stage one is simple. Don't drink today. That's it. Everything else is extra credit. Okay, stage two is self discovery. This is like months, I don't know, three to six. Once you hit months, it might be month two for some people. That's what I'm telling you. The timelines are not going to be exact. But once you get in this stage, things start to shift a little bit. You're not just white knuckling anymore. You're starting to think. And that's when real questions show up like, who am I without alcohol? This is like the identity crisis phase. And it can be weird. Because for years, maybe decades, you've been the fun one, the party one, the one who could drink everyone under the table, or maybe you've been the stressed out mom who needs wine to unwind or the high achiever who deserves a reward at the end of the day. And now you're none of those things. So who the F are you? Stage two is where you start figuring that out. Here's what you're working on in this stage. First, you're asking, what was I medicated? Was it anxiety, depression, boredom, loneliness, trauma, all of the above? Because here's the thing. Alcohol was never the problem. It was the solution. A terrible toxic destructive solution, but a solution nonetheless. So now you have to figure out what you were actually trying to solve. Second, you're starting to introduce self-care. And I don't mean bubble baths and candles. I mean, those things are fantastic. I love those things. I mean, what does your body actually need? What does your mind need? What does your nervous system need to feel safe? Maybe it's therapy or journaling. Maybe it's moving your body every day. Maybe it's learning how to sit with discomfort without numbing it. This is also where you start building a relationship with yourself. Not the version of you that was drinking. The version of you that exists right now today, sober. Now I spent way longer in this stage than the general timeline, right? I needed more than six months here. And that was okay. That's what I needed. It felt good. I liked it. I just need a more time because this work is deep and you can't rush it. The goal in stage two is figure out who you are and what you need. Build the foundation. Listen, if you're rebuilding your life, if you're learning how to sit with yourself at night without a glass of wine in your hand, your environment matters. What you wear at night, what you wrap up in when you're tired, the way your home feels at the end of a long day. In February is such a good reminder to show a little extra love. Not just to other people, but to yourself. I've been leaning hard into that lately and I'm obsessed with my cozy earth, bamboo pajama set. Lightweight, cozy and super soft, so soft I got some from my mom too. It just feels elevated and intentional like you actually care about your downtime and their classic cuddle blanket. This thing is dangerous. It's plush. It has this comforting weight that makes you feel like you want to cancel plans and stay on the couch with a book, which some nights is exactly the right move. And what I love about cozy earth is their attention to detail, the quality, the way they elevate simple moments so your home feels like a haven instead of just a place you collapse at the end of the day. And it's completely risk free. You get a hundred night sleep trial. If you don't love it, you can send it back. Plus, there's a 10 year warranty. That's how confident they are in what they make. So if you want to wrap yourself or someone you love, and comfort that actually feels special, or just make your home feel a little more like a haven, go to cozy earth.com and use my code Angela for 20% off. And if you get the post purchased survey, tell them you heard about cozy earth right here on the podcast. Celebrate every day love with comfort that makes the little moments count. Okay, stage three, relationship repair. You've been sober for six months or maybe more. I think for me it was probably around nine months. You're starting to feel like yourself again. You have some clarity, some confidence. And now you look around and realize like, oh shit, I have some things to fix. This is like the relationship repair phase, right? And here's what you're working on. First, if you're doing like a 12 step program, you're probably making amends right now when it's appropriate, right? Notice I said when appropriate, not every relationship needs to be repaired, not every person deserves an apology from you. Some people you hurt, some people hurt you. And some relationships are just done. Your sponsor will help you figure that out. But for the ones that matter, the ones you want to rebuild, this is when you do the work. For me, this was my favorite part of the steps. Making amends was where I got the most profound change. I felt it every day and it was phenomenal. I love amends to this day. I love making amends. It's such a powerful move and it's so respectful to the people you love. And it took me a minute to get started. But once I did, I moved through them pretty quickly because I love the process. Second, you're going to be working on setting boundaries because here's what happens. You get sober and everyone expects you to go back to being the old you. The people please are the one who says yes to everything the one who takes care of everybody else. And you have to say no, that version of me doesn't exist anymore. You have to set boundaries with your drinking friends, with your family, with your partner, with yourself. And third, building sober friendships. This is huge because if all your friends still drink, you're going to feel isolated. You're going to feel like the odd one out. And that's a relapse risk. So you need to find your people, whether that's in a recovery community of Facebook group, a local meetup or just one friend who gets it. You need connection. I talked about this in detail on last week's episode. There are two layers of connection you need to have. So go back and listen to that episode after this one. I'll link it in the show notes for you. It's 421, overwhelmed by sobriety advice. Here's how to actually start. But you need two layers of connection and they're important. For me, my drinking friends didn't want to do non-drinking things with me. So I was leaving those people behind and I solely focused on building new friendships that were deeper, more fulfilling, and safe. I didn't have a ton of relationship repairs to do in that sense. I was more focused on creating new relationships. And finally, this is where service minded living really begins, right? You start thinking, how can I help someone else? How can I give back? Because recovery is not just about you. It's about becoming the kind of person who lifts others up. The goal in stage three is rebuilding the relationships that matter. Let go of the ones that don't. Set boundaries and build community. Okay, stage four, purpose and contribution. This is where it gets good. You're a year in now, maybe more. You're not just sober. You're stable. You know who you are. You've repaired what needed repairing. You've built a life that actually works. And now you start asking, what's next? Stage four is about living for something, not just running from something, right? Like the first year of sobriety, you're moving away from alcohol. You're avoiding triggers. You're probably white-knuckling it sometimes. You're surviving. And the first year is important because you have to go through all the seasons, the birthdays, the holidays, the celebrations, the vacations, all the seasons. But in stage four, you start running towards something. Here's what that looks like. You start thinking about purpose. What do you actually want? What lights you up? What would you do if you weren't afraid? Maybe it's a new career. Maybe it's going back to school or starting a business. Maybe it's writing a book. Maybe it's just showing up as the best version of yourself in the life you already have. You start actively participating in life, not just recovery. Because here's the shift. In the early stages, everything revolves around not drinking. Every decision is filtered through that lens. Can I go to this event? Can I see this person? Can I handle this stress? But in stage four, sobriety becomes the foundation, not the focus. You're not just thinking about not drinking anymore. You're thinking about living. And this is where you go from surviving to thriving. You start dreaming again. You start taking risks. You start believing that you deserve more than just not drinking. You deserve joy. You deserve passion. You deserve a life that feels full and alive and powerful. The goal in stage four, build a life so good you never want to leave it. Now here's the thing. You can't skip stages. Okay? This is the part I need you to really hear. You cannot skip stages. I know you want to. I know you're impatient. I know you think that you're smart and you're motivated and you can do this better and you can do it faster. And you don't have to do all the little things that everybody else needs to do. But you can't. Because if you try to fix your marriage in week two, you're gonna fail. Not because you're not trying hard enough. But because you don't have the tools yet. If you try to figure out your purpose in month three, you're gonna spiral because you don't even know who you are yet. And if you skip stage one altogether and jump straight into deep emotional work, you're gonna relapse because you didn't build the foundation. So here's what I want you to do. Figure out where you are right now. Are you in stage one? Then focus on safety and structure. Don't worry about anything else. Are you in stage two? Then focus on self-discovery. Figure out who you are and what you need. What about stage three? If that's where you are then focus on relationships. Repair what needs repairing. Let go of what doesn't. And stage four, if you're there, then focus on purpose. Build the life you actually want. And if you're trying to do stage three work while still stuck in stage one, stop. Go back. Build your foundation. This is exactly why I built the recovery starter kit. It's designed to walk you through building your foundation in the right order with conversation guides, checklist, worksheets, videos. Right? So you're not spinning your wheels. You're not white knuckling and you're actually building something that lasts. Okay, that's the four stage recovery roadmap. Stage one, safety and stability. Stage two, self-discovery. Stage three, relationship repair. Stage four, purpose and contribution. But the timeline is flexible. Right? And you get out of this what you put into it. Do the work in the right order at your own pace and you will build a life so powerful, so clear, so good that you'll never want to leave it. And if you're ready to dive in instantly on your own time with a low investment, check out the recovery starter kit. Like I said, it's designed to walk you through building your foundation. We start with module one, reset your foundation environment, getting you physically safe and creating the structure you need. Module two, call me or triggers an anxiety. That's learning what you were actually medicating and how to manage it without alcohol. And module three is connection and sobriety support that works. You're building the relationships in community. You need to stay sober. It's the foundation work, the stuff that actually keeps you sober. And if you're really at your limit and done screwing around with all the drama and disappointment, you can book a free call with me. The link is in the show notes, addiction unlimited.com/call. People are always so curious what it's like to do a call with me because some people are scared. And I get that. I know it does probably feel a little overwhelming and intimidating. But I just did a call last night and I actually got a text right after our consultation call and he said, Angela, that might have been the best conversation I've had about recovery ever. And I will be committing to this with you. Thank you so much. Thank you for all that you do in the recovery community. So listen, we're having a conversation. This isn't anything weird or crazy. It's very comfortable. It's very low maintenance. It's very informal. I talk exactly how I talk on the podcast. So you kind of already know me. But if you've been thinking about it for a year and you keep looking at the website, this is your sign to get off your buns and take action. Book the call. Stop delaying your future. And let's have some sober fun. Addiction unlimited.com/call. Whether it's the recovery starter kit or coaching with me or my private member community will figure out what the right level of support is for you in your life. Thank you for spending this time with me today. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, candid and honest conversation about addiction and recovery. Be sure to visit us at AddictionUnlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode? Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week. [BLANK_AUDIO]