The 3 Things You’re Missing That Keep You Stuck in the Relapse Cycle

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited, I'm your coach, Angela Pugh. If you feel like you keep ending up back at the same place, starting over, making promises to yourself, trying again, I want you to know this episode is going to explain exactly why that keeps happening. Because here's what I know for certain, it's not that you don't want it bad enough. Right? You've wanted it bad enough, maybe a hundred times. You've had rock bottom moments, you've made promises, you meant with your whole heart. The problem isn't your desire, the problem is that you're missing a few critical pieces. And today I'm going to walk you through exactly what they are. So here's how the cycle usually goes. You decide you're done, maybe something happened, maybe you just woke up one morning and thought I can't keep doing this. So you stop. And the first few days are hard, but you push through, maybe you get a week, maybe two, maybe you get a couple of months. You start to feel a little better, clearer, lighter, and that's when the confidence creeps in. And you think, I've got this, I can handle it. And then something hits, right? A stressful day, your board, you have a bad day, a fight, a feeling you don't know what to do with and your right back where you started. Sound familiar? Nothing changes because nothing is actually different. You stopped drinking, but you didn't change the system around it. And without that, the same inputs produce the same outputs every single time. I want to reframe something for you before we get into the three things, right? You don't have a motivation problem. You don't have a willpower problem. You have a system problem. Motivation fades. Willpower is a limited resource. It runs out, but a system, a system works even when you don't feel like it. The strength you see in long-term sober people, we built that with structure and support, not on willpower alone. So let's talk about what's missing. Thing one is no clear plan, right? The first thing most people are missing is a real plan. Not an intention, a plan. An intention is, I'm not going to drink. A plan is what the fuck you're going to do to make sure you don't drink, right? Because what most people do is they decide they're done drinking and they're quote unquote, "plan" is just not to drink. That's it. I'm just not going to do it anymore. You guys, that's not a strategy. That's hope. And hope is not a plan. And when things get hard, which they will, hope doesn't give you anything to grab on to. A real plan answers specific questions. What do you do when a craving hits? What do your evenings look like now? What replace is drinking in your life? Because alcohol wasn't just a drink, it was a ritual, a stress response, a social lubricant, a way to turn off your brain at the end of the day. And if you don't have something that fills those roles, you will keep reaching back for the thing that did. If your plan only works when you feel good, it's not a plan. Everything is easy when everything is easy, right? The work we do, recovery plans, strategies, all of those things are for when the shit hits the fan, not for when things are easy. It's easy to not drink when you feel good and you're on the pink cloud. That's when you want to be lazy and think you don't need all the plans and strategies. But if you don't have a plan in place when life circles back to knock you on your ass, then you're going to end up right back where you started. Having a plan is for the hard moments, not the easy ones. And the plan and the strategy have to be built and mastered in the easy moments so they're ready when the hard moments strike. Okay, thing number two, no supporter accountability. This is a second thing people are missing, it's support, real support, not just consuming content about sobriety, actually being in connection with people who get it. That's real support. I did an episode about this, right? About just consuming content and not actually doing the work. I will link that in the show notes for you so you can go back and listen to that because so many people get caught up in this trap where they feel like they're doing all the things, but you're not actually doing any of the things, you're just learning and listening about the things. You have to start doing the things. So I will link that episode in the show notes for you so you can go back and listen to that one after this one. But here's what I see constantly, people keeping it totally private, white knuckling it alone, maybe listening to the podcast or reading the books, but not actually reaching out, not actually engaging, not actually letting anyone in. And I get it, it feels safe for that way. If nobody knows, nobody can judge you. If you fail, nobody saw it, right? But here's the problem with that. You're trying to win a mental battle alone inside your own head. And your head is not a safe place to fight the battle by yourself because your brain, the same brain that talked you into drinking in the first place, will talk you right back into it. It will rationalize, it will minimize, it will find reasons, it will tell you it's fine. It's different this time. Just one, you deserve it. You've been so good. And without someone on the outside to interrupt that pattern, you'll default to it every single time. Left alone, your brain will talk you back into the exact thing you're trying to quit. What isn't weakness, it's strategy. Think about what support actually does. It interrupts the pattern. It gives you someone to call before you make a decision, you'll regret. It puts another voice in the room besides the one that's trying to talk you back into drinking. And I know what some of you are thinking. I should be able to do this on my own. I don't want to bother anyone. What will people think if they find out? That's shame talking. And shame is one of the biggest reasons people stay stuck because it keeps you isolated. And isolation is where this disease thrives. Every person who's built a life they're proud of in recovery has people behind them. A community, a coach, someone who's been where they are and came out the other side. That's not a coincidence. That's the system working. And number three is not having a system for when it gets hard. Okay, so you have a plan. You know what your evenings look like. You know what replaces drinking. You've got the blueprint. And then 7 pm on a Tuesday hits and your boss pissed you off in a meeting and your kids are screaming and your brain is doing that thing it does. And none of your planning matters because you can't even remember it right now. That's not a planning problem. That's a crisis response problem. Because there's a difference between building a sober life and knowing what to do in the 60 seconds when everything in you wants to drink. And most people have one without the other. You don't have a plan for the moment that actually matters. And hard moments aren't surprises, right? They're guaranteed. Stress is coming. Grief is coming. The moments that make you want to drink, they're coming. The question isn't if it gets hard, it's when and when it hits, you don't have time to think. You need to reflex a protocol. Three specific things you do in order before you make a decision, you'll regret. So let me give you that right now. First call a sober friend, not text call. If they don't answer immediately text three safe people, not one, three. Because someone will respond and that response is enough to interrupt the momentum. I mean, hopefully you call your sober friend and they answer. But I don't think anybody answers anymore. So I'm going to have a backup. Text a whole bunch of people. The more people you text, the more opportunity you have for a response. And that's really what we're going for. And don't over dramatize this. Our little dramatic brains. You don't need to text people and go, my God, I'm struggling. It doesn't have to be dramatic. You can text people and go, "Hey, what's up?" How's your day? I was just thinking about you. What I always say, you will not believe what my crazy fucking brain just said to me. Right? Like it doesn't have to be dramatic. Just reach out and get connected. Okay. Second, breathe. I know that sounds too simple. Do it any damn way. Deep, belly, breaths. Not shallow chest breathing because that raises your anxiety. Right? That's why that's what you do when you're stressed. And on your stomach, breathe all the way down to your belly button. Slow it down. Right? Your nervous system is in fight or flight in those moments. You have to physically interrupt that before you can think clearly. In third, play the tape all the way through. Not the highlight reel. The real tape. Think about the last time alcohol humiliated you. The last brutal hangover. The thing you said in front of people you love that you can't take back. The 2am panic attack, heart pounding, drenched in sweat, Googling whether you're dying. Right? Or the morning you woke up and couldn't remember stuff. Go there. Stay there for a minute because your brain in a craving is only showing you the first sip. You need to remember what comes after. That's your protocol. Call text three people, breathe, play the tape through in that order before you do anything else. If you don't have a system for that moment, you'll default to your old pattern every single time. Not because you're broken or something's wrong with you, but because that's how humans work under pressure. We go to what's familiar. And if drinking is your most familiar exit ramp, that's where you'll go. A system gives you a different exit ramp. And you practice it before you need it. So when the moment comes, you already know what to do and you're used to doing it and it's your reflex. Okay? So you've got three things. No plan, no support, no system for hard moments. And if you fix all three of those, you will be in a dramatically better position than most people trying to get sober. But I would be doing you a disservice if I stopped there because there's one more thing. And this one is sneaky. This one will take you out even when you're doing everything else right. You can have a plan. You can have support. You can be doing everything quote unquote right. But if you're still holding on to certain thoughts, you will drink again. And thought number one is maybe someday I'll be able to drink again. As long as that door is cracked open, you will keep walking back through it. And alcohol is still an option in your mind. You aren't actually committed. You're just waiting. And every craving becomes a negotiation. Should I shitni? Can I? Can't I? Will I won't I? Every hard day becomes a reason to revisit the question. You can't build a sober life while secretly planning your return, right? And thought number two is I'm not that bad. Oh, this one, this one keeps so many people stuck for years. You compare yourself to someone who lost more, whose consequences were worse, who hit a lower bottom and you think, see, I'm not that bad. I don't really need to do anything drastic. If you're waiting to be bad enough, you will get there. That comparison removes the urgency, minimizing delays the change and the window of time between I'm not that bad and oh, God, I'm not bad. That's where people lose the things they can't get back. So here's a reframe. This isn't about how bad you are. That's not the question. The question is, is alcohol taking more than it's giving? That's it. If the answer is yes, and I think you already know it is, then bad enough is irrelevant. You don't have to lose everything to decide you want something better. And here's the thing I really want you to hear. You don't relapse because you forgot your plan. You relapse because in that moment, your brain still believes alcohol is an option. When you close that door fully, not maybe someday, not I'll see how I feel in a few months, the negotiation stops and that changes everything. So let's recap. No plan, no support, no system for hard moments and a mindset that's still leaving the door open. That's the cycle. That's why you keep ending up back in the same place. None of that means anything is wrong with you. None of that means it's too late. It just means you've been trying to solve a system problem with willpower and willpower runs out. Systems don't. You don't need more information. You need structure and support and a system that actually works when things get hard. That's exactly why I've built the programs I've built to address those core issues and give you all the answers. My online course lays this out beautifully, step by step, worksheets, videos, exactly what you need to do and how to do it in scripts. I even made you scripts to tell you exactly what to say. And now I added group coaching to the course with my recovery accelerator group. So now you get the plan, the coaching, the accountability, the community, all of it in one place designed specifically for people who are tired of starting over. If this episode landed for you, if you heard yourself in any of this, I want you to come join us in the recovery accelerator group enrollment for the April group just opened yesterday and it closes April 2nd. So get all your mind games and procrastination done quickly because you need to sign up by April 2nd for our first group April 4th. Go to addictiononlimited.com/accelerator. I will link that in the show notes also addictiononlimited.com/accelerator. And if you're really done screwing around and ready to get real f'ing serious about ending this cycle of madness, book a call with me addictiononlimited.com/call. We'll talk about where you are, what's getting in the way and if we're a fit to work together, we can start right the F now. No delays. We'll start right now. Addictiononlimited.com/call.com/accelerator is always in the show notes as well. Listen, you are not broken, but what you've been doing isn't working and until you change the system, nothing changes, right? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I hope this helps. I love you guys. Thank you for spending this time with me. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. We've reached the end of another great episode of the Addictiononlimited podcast, Candid and Honest Conversation about Addiction and Recovery. Be sure to visit us at addictiononlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode. Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week. Bye.