The #1 Mistake You Can Make On A First Date

Hey everyone, welcome back to Jillian on Love. Today I answer two questions that are really important and really juicy. We've got one person, she's 33, she lives in New York City, and she keeps going on these dates and not getting a second date, and she's trying to figure out what is actually happening. And then we have someone else, he's in love with his girlfriend, but he's realized that he has disorganized attachment, he completely shuts down and abandons his girlfriend when there is conflict, and they are now no contact, and he is realizing that he really wants to fix this. So can't wait to hear what you have to say about this. I think this is going to be incredibly helpful. So here I go. Hi, Jillian. I'm a 33-year-old woman. I live in New York City. After taking a break from dating over the winter, I've gotten back on the dating apps and have been pretty consistently dating. What's confusing me is that I can get dates, I have enjoyable first dates, and I generally have no trouble building the conversation and the connection. Many of these dates involve shared interests, some laughter. And enough compatibility that I would absolutely be interested in seeing the person again. The problem is, is that I cannot seem to get second dates. This has happened enough times that I know I need to examine my own role, like what may be going on, but I'm struggling to identify what exactly is happening. I've asked friends, family, male friends for feedback. One theory? I'm not sure if I'm the only one. active enough and then make it just have a little bit more effort. If you want it to be a day date and you want it to be kind of low stakes, at least you're sitting down. You are, there's like, you're sharing, you're, you're sipping some coffee together. You're eating a meal together and you're having a conversation where you are watching each other's body language. Like right now, like I use my hands a lot and you're seeing that we are, we are creatures above anything else. And we need in order to know if there is chemistry with someone, we are communicating with our bodies. We are communicating with our facial expression. It's not just what we say. And so much of that is lost in a walk. That's what I want to say. That's like the most important thing that I have to say. And as for your questions about flirtation and chemistry, well, you know, I don't know if this is you, but some, but I think this is something for you to think about. And certainly something for people who are listening to think about if you're running into this problem, sharing a meal together, doing an activity together, that's not walking. Maybe it's like, um, I don't know, again, like playing minute, something like miniature golf, something that's going, to have some energy behind it. There's no energy behind a walk, beautiful, peaceful, bonding, co-regulation activity to do with a friend or a loved one or a partner that includes a partner hat does not have enough energy or aliveness when you're just meeting someone. And so it falls flat. So my, so when you do go on a date, it's not a walk. Are you laughing? You know, like, are you, um, are you open? Are you in your head? Are you feeling closed off? You're like, I don't know if I like this person. So I'm kind of leaning back. Are you sharing about yourself? Are you not just asking questions about them, but are you sharing something about you? Which again is vulnerability. These are the things that create connection. And connection is what we're actually, looking for. Can't really feel a physical chemistry. Like, yes, you can find someone handsome. You can find someone beautiful and that could pull you in, but that's actually lots of people find lots of people attractive, but they don't feel that connection with them. And so then there's no chemistry things for you to think about are, am I open? Am I in my head? Is my body language tense? Am I too much in interview mode? Am I not sharing enough of myself? Am I not, um, allowing myself to be animated? You know, am I kind of falling flat in my body language? So that's what I have to say about that. And, um, I hope it helps. So what I would say is if someone is suggesting a walk, um, I would say, you know, I really prefer, you know, we've, we've talked on the phone, we've been texting back and forth. I would love a conversation where we can sit down and face one another. And if there, if he's not then saying, okay, great. Meet me here. Don't meet him. Don't meet him. Sorry. Just don't meet him. That's just a sign that he is, uh, just way too low stakes, way too passive in wanting to get to know you. And honestly, not mature enough. Come on. We have to be willing to sit down across from someone and to see if we have a connection with them. This episode is sponsored by Osea. I love Osea and I've been a huge fan of their products for a long time. In fact, I really credit Osea for, um, my good skin. Honestly, I realized that body serum, like actually hydrating my body, not just, you know, the skin on my face is so important, especially as I get older, you know, as we get older, our skin gets drier. Sometimes it gets more sensitive. I love using Osea's hyaluronic body serum. And what I like most about it is that it has like a very invisible lightweight feel and how easily it layers on. And it like feels on my skin, just like nice. It's just not greasy. It's just beautiful. It makes your skin so supple and soft. Um, and, and that's how I know that it's not just like moisturizing the outer layers of the skin. It feels like it is deeply hydrating my skin and it's clinically shown to deliver instant 24 hour hydration and instantly boost hydration by 161% after I use it. Osea is a mother daughter founded skincare brand, harnessing the power of seaweed and the ocean. I mean, it's just, even just the origin story is amazing. And by the way, their Undaria algae body oil is an allure award-winning bestseller for a reason. So I use both and I'm obsessed with both products. And right now, I'm using the Undaria Algae Body Oil now. We have a special discount just for you. Get 10% off your first order site-wide with code Jillian at OseaMalibu.com. That's code Jillian at O-S-E-A Malibu.com. Hi, Jillian. I am reaching out because seven months ago, I ended a relationship that has been the most meaningful relationship I've had in my life. And I'm so grateful that I'm able to I ended it because of what I've now discovered through a lot of healing and work and digging is through a disorganized attachment that led to a lot of avoidancy and is kind of brought on by childhood trauma that I had not addressed and was really not aware of how influential it was in my life. And so I ended it because of what I've now discovered through a lot of healing and work and I'm working really hard to understand how it is I got here to kind of re-script how I handle conflict in the future, which was a major issue. It's been a major issue in every relationship is anytime there's conflict, I feel deeply unsafe and I retreat or I numb out. And, you know, I basically abandon my partner in the moment. I don't want that anymore. I can see the pattern. And I am working towards resolution. I guess what I'm asking is, is it ill advised to reach out to my partner after an extended period of no contact? She asked for no contact due to how I was responding earlier in this breakup of kind of a of just trying to prove to her that I'm changing and fixing things. And obviously I was kind of the furthest from the actual truth. Now as time's gone and emotions have settled and I'm really finding clarity in ways, but my love for her is still so strong that life is short and I don't want to regret not at least giving her the best attempt I can because she got kind of the worst of me in a lot of our relationship. I understand that she is her own person and this may be deeply triggering to try and reenter anything. So I just wanted some advice to know if reaching out again down the road is ill-advised. Obviously taking advice. It's slow. Hopefully if I could just regain her trust and go from there is the goal. Well, first of all, I just want to honor the fact that you have a lot of insight into what you're going through or what your problems are in a relationship. And it sounds like you're really putting in the work to get to the bottom of it. You, that moment where you said, I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to, this is not what I want to do anymore. That part of you that has, that draws the line in the sand has to be much stronger than the part of you that's afraid. So you have to have a compelling reason, even beyond your current, I don't know, girlfriend or ex-girlfriend with whom you're taking a break. You have to want this, for yourself. You have to, whether things work out with her or you get into another relationship, you have to really decide that. And I think you have, but I really, I want to drive this home. You have to really decide that, that those days of you completely abandoning your partner during conflict are over. And you, it is actually a decision. It's a decision. We, we think that, that our behavior is out of our control and 99% of the time it's not. And so this is a hundred percent in your control. You know, some people, they shut down in conflict. I've worked with many men who have had a very similar reaction to conflict and they grew up with violent fathers or violence between their mother and their father. I don't know if that's you, but it's important for you to understand and for everyone to understand that oftentimes our reaction to conflict is based on something that we learned, that we saw, that we witnessed, that was modeled to us in childhood. And so that feeling of being unsafe inside your bodies, you're having a very visceral, somatic, of the body reaction. When we feel unsafe, we go into fight, flight, or freeze. And so based on what you shared, it sounds to me like you are maybe freezing and then fleeing, right? And then the person, your partner, then feels abandoned because you've left the room, literally and energetically. So how do we stay in the room? So another. Another thing that could be going on for you that's important for you to recognize and acknowledge and become aware of is it's possible that when you are in some sort of argument with your girlfriend and you start to shut down and pull away, that some of what is going on in your head, some of the narrative, the storytelling, the thoughts that are going on in your head is, I can never make her happy. I'm a failure. I don't know how to make her happy. Something, I'm unworthy because she's unhappy, whatever it is. So you always, we can't really get to the bottom of this and heal by only looking at childhood. We also have to look at the story that we tell ourselves. We have to observe the story that we tell ourselves in that moment. And often. Oftentimes it's happening so quickly, it's not conscious. But now as you bring it into conscious awareness, you have to recognize, okay, in that moment, the meaning that I am giving this conflict, the meaning that I am, that I am assigning to my girlfriend being upset with me is that I am a failure. And that kind of shame, sometimes referred to as toxic shame, is really prevalent. It's prevalent with men in particular and very prevalent with those who have a lot of avoidance in their relationships. It's very prevalent in addicts, drug and alcoholics, drug addicts and alcoholics. And so that shame is very real and very painful. The problem, though, is that. In that those moments, and this is hard to say and it's hard to hear, but it's important, it's going to liberate you, is that you're making it all about you. It's all about you and your wounds and your trauma. And when we are in a relationship and we're making it all about us and our wounds and our trauma, we become too self-focused and we become without even trying to be. The narcissistic tendencies start to come up because in a relationship, we have to be cognizant of and care about how our behavior is impacting our partner. And regardless of what we did or did not go through in childhood. This episode is sponsored by Warby Parker. You know, I'm a glasses girl. So the more pairs of glasses, amazing glasses I can have, the better. And I'm obsessed with Warby Parker. Sometimes buying glasses can feel very overpriced and so complicated. So seriously, nothing comes close on quality, price, selection, and customer service than Warby Parker. In fact, once you buy from them, you realize how much easier they've made the entire process. Their virtual try-on is a complete game changer. You can literally try on glasses from your phone before you buy. And it's wild how well it acts. It actually works. You just point your camera and boom, you see tons of frames on your face in real time. And I love my pair. I get compliments on them all the time. You sometimes see them on social media and I get compliments all the time. I can tell that they're made with premium materials, which is extremely important to me. So when it comes to quality for the price, Warby Parker is literally the best. Their prescription glasses start at $95. So you can actually get quality and very chic frames at an affordable price. And right now, buy one pair of glasses and get 20% off of any additional pairs at warbyparker.com slash Jillian. That's 20% off any additional pairs where you purchase one pair at warbyparker.com slash Jillian. And so when we get into that shame, like I know like when, if I get into my own little shame spiral, my own sort of self-deprecating shame spiral, which I really don't, I don't do nearly as much as I used to, gotten so much better at that. But part of the reason why I'm much better at not getting myself into that emotional state is because I understand that when I get into it, it's one thing to feel it. It's another thing to dwell on it. And that if I'm dwelling in that state, then I know that I am too focused on myself. I'm too focused on myself that I've like lost sight of like what's really going on. And to make it work in a relationship, it can't be all about you and your discomfort. Like all of it is uncomfortable, you know, when it comes to a conflict. You know, a lot of experts will say that conflict is a part of relationship. And I would say that arguing is a part of a relationship. And it's definitely not a bad part because I'm sorry, but like to always agree with your partner, like all the time is a little boring because you're not supposed to be the same person. Once in a while, we need a little bit of the friction to remind us like, hey, I'm dealing with an autonomous person with their own mind. And by the, and I'm an autonomous person with my own mind. And it's the fact that they have their own mind that doesn't always agree with me is literally the reason why I was part of the reason why I was attracted to them in the first place. Right. Because we don't tend to be attracted to people who are exactly like us. We may befriend them, but we don't feel attraction. So arguing is, we don't want to be constantly arguing, but having some, some of that friction is a natural part of a relationship and it's healthy. However, arguing is not the same thing as conflict. And what we want to be able to do is have healthy arguments or have, have an argument once in a while without it turning in. And that's the only way to prevent it from becoming a substantial conflict. Because what's happening right now between you and your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend or you and all the women who you've dated, because you say that this is a pattern, is that the arguing has become a substantial conflict. The conflict is you shut down, you flee, and you abandon your partner. And you're not going to be able to get out of that conflict. When there is an argument, when really it's about, let's face whatever is just like, you know, I've made you unhappy, right? Like that's, that's an argument. It's like an argument is either you're not agreeing on the outcome of something that you want to have happen, or one or both of you is unhappy, not existentially unhappy, but just in the moment, your feelings are hurt. Feelings are hurt. And so getting better at saying, you know, I'm sorry, I hurt your feelings. Getting better at saying to our partner, I know you did not mean to hurt my feelings. I know you didn't mean this. I know that you meant something better, but still it hurt my feelings. And our partner being able to say, I'm sorry, I hurt your feelings. Yeah, I hurt your feelings. Not, I'm sorry you feel that way. Not, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. Which is just the worst, douchiest thing to say to your partner. But just like, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. And as couples just getting better at that, despite the fact that you have a bad habit of abandoning your partner during tension, I have no doubt that there have been times where your partner could have approached it better. Because more times than not, it takes two to tango. Unless we're dealing with something straight up. Abusive, you know, and straight up toxic and dysfunctional. You know, I'm sure if your girlfriend was sitting here today and I was talking to her, there would be things that I could coach her on to make things better. So I don't want you to take all the responsibility and I don't want you to further hate on your partner. yourself, because it's the hating on yourself that has led to this predicament to begin with. When you are feeling that fear, because here's the thing, you could do all the personal development, work, therapy in the world. It is not going to take away the fear. What's going to minimize the fear is practice. You have to practice in the moment, locating in your body when you feel that fear and breathing and staying present in spite of it. And you can even say things like, I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now. I'm not going anywhere. But if you can give me. If you can give me 10 minutes just for me to breathe and recenter, I'd really appreciate that. I just need a moment. Or I'm not abandoning you, but I am feeling super overwhelmed. I want to reground myself. I just need to take a 15-minute walk. And I promise I will come back and you will have my full presence. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. We talk about mental health more openly now. But asking for help can still feel hard. And BetterHelp's latest research confirms it. BetterHelp's 2026 State of Stigma Report surveyed 2,000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. So there's a gap between believing in mental health support and actually seeking it. And what can we do as a society to close that gap? With over 30,000. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works, with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. So don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com. Slash on love. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com. Slash on love. Or if it's not as intense, you just breathe, you sit through it, and you just say, I'm here. I'm here. I'm not running away. Can we talk about this? And you get better at listening. And then you get better at communicating. And the more that you practice this, the more you're going to see that that fear, that monstrous fear that you feel, that feels all-consuming and feels like it's taken your agency away, that monster begins to shrink. And the more that you practice this, the more confident you feel in yourself. And the more confident that you feel in yourself to be able to be present and to stay, um, grounded and to communicate, the better partner and person and human being you're going to become. No skill ever gets stronger without consistent practice. That is the law of the land. It gets easier with practice. That's also the law of the land. So the next question is, do you reach out to her? This is tricky. Because she, she laid down a boundary. And it sounds to me based on your question that you've crossed that boundary a couple of times. And I don't want you to cross that boundary again. Yes, it's true that most women like their man to fight for them, but she's asked for no contact. Here's the thing. If you were to try to give this another go, you truly cannot do it unless you are very committed and have made the decision that this pattern ends today. And you would have to tell her that you are fully committed to not abandoning her during conflict. And that, um, but that it's going to be a little uncomfortable for you. But what I would not do, is send her or tell her a whole long thing about your trauma and why you do what you do. Um, that doesn't help things. What helps is I've been doing the work. I understand why I've been doing this and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not saying that I'm going to be perfect. Um, I'm not saying that, you know, I'm never, ever going to disappoint you because we are sometimes going to disappoint each other. But what I do know is that I'm never going to fucking abandon you during a conflict again. And then you have to keep your word because the moment you don't keep your word is the moment she feels like she can never trust you again. I don't know if you should reach out to her again. I think you should be respecting her boundary. I don't know how long you've been no contact. I don't know what your, um, what your agreement is. I don't know if your agreement is no contact indefinitely. I don't know. What I do know is that, um, I know you love her, but I feel like this needs a little bit more time. And so maybe give it a couple of months. Again, I just don't know what the agreement was. Pushing back on a boundary is not very respectful. And so she needs that. And, um, and I don't want you to try, um, to win her back in a state of desperation and where you're feeling ungrounded. I really, really, really suggest that you get to the place where, um, you've made this decision that you're not going to do this anymore as uncomfortable as it is. And so again, I don't know how long you guys have been no contact, but I, I would give this, I would give this a little bit longer. And, um, and maybe it'll work out with her one day. And, but maybe it won't. And, but maybe it'll work out with her one day. The Forward. The audiobook's out now. Give it a listen.