The 1 Day Communication Challenge

Hey everybody, this is Tim Downs, and I'm Dr. Tom Barrett, and we are the "Communication Guys." And welcome to episode number 171 of the "Communication Guys" podcast, where we help you become a more confident, compelling, and creative communicator in whatever you do. We help you connect with your world. And before we get started today, Tom and I want to tell you about something brand new from the "Communication Guys." We call it the "Communication Guys Academy." The Academy offers executive-level communication courses relating to both business and relationships, training that you can do in the privacy of your own home or office, at your own pace, and at a fraction of the cost of executive coaching programs. If you're looking for a faster way to grow as a communicator, even while you're working from home, be sure to check out the courses we currently offer at "CommunicationGuys.com." And today's episode is a replay of one of our most downloaded episodes. It was originally aired as episode 126. And today we're looking at the one-day communication challenge. You know, listeners, Tim and I have worked with executives and politicians for months at a time, and a lot of times people wonder, "Well, how long does it take for people to improve as a communicator?" And when working with people, our approach is just to look for the low-hanging fruit. We want to set them up for some big wins and some major improvements as fast as they can get them. And today we're going to show you how to do that in your life. And there are things that you can do to make a major difference in a single day's time. And that's what this episode is dedicated to. If this were a podcast about nutrition, and we wanted to say to you, "Here's what you can do. Here's what you can change in your diet to feel better in a single day. We'd look for the big wins." So we'd say drink a little less coffee and maybe cut down on the process, carbohydrates, cut out the junk food in the sugar, and see how you feel at the end of the day. Well, it's in that spirit that we're doing this episode is what we're going to do today is we're going to show you five big wins. These are things that you can apply, you can try in one day's time, and we challenge you to do this and see what a difference it makes for you. So we call this the one-day communication challenge. Tim, are you sure you needed to start with the analogy of diet and nutrition? Tim, I said if it were a podcast on nutrition, I don't do any of those things. But if I wanted to feel better, that's what I would do. It wasn't too long ago. You and a bunch of my friends, they all were on diets and I thought, "I need to try this." And so I did. It was the worst three hours of my life. All right, come on. All right, but I digress. We're talking about big wins in short periods of time and wins that actually matter. And remember listeners, this is a challenge that we're asking you to consider taking up. And the first point in challenges this, withhold your opinions. You know, we all have a variety of opinions in our lives today. You know, strong ones about politics, social issues, sports, anything, local issues. We can't wait to share them. But what we forget is when we are so quick to voice our opinions, we actually polarize or separate ourselves from a whole bunch of listeners. We have those who agree with us and of course they're attracted to us. But those who disagree with the opinions we are sharing, they are repelled and their tendency then is to pull away, shy away or shut down. And that we're saying, "Hey, we want to pay attention to that." And everyone's noticing today that we are living in a polarized world and one of the ways to counteract that is by not contributing to the polarization. So our challenge to you is for one day, just withhold your opinions on everything. Our challenge to you is think of your next opinion as a sneeze and remember to cover your mouth. So when you're about to pontificate and state your opinion on politics or social issues or sports or religion or whatever it is for you, instead turn that statement into a question and try saying things like what do you think or where did you learn that or how did you come to believe that? It's a discipline to do this but you can do it and our challenge to you is to do that for one day and see how it changes things. When you're not contributing to the polarization with your opinion but instead drawing opinions from other people. And that is just a great one-day challenge. My thought bubble is if you get caught where the words are already coming out where you're thinking, "You know what I believe?" and then you go, "I wasn't going to express that." Finish it with, "You know what I believe? I'd like to hear what you believe." And just to catch yourself in the act or your thought bubble might be, "You know what I believe? I believe I'll keep my mouth shut right now." But we do want to pay attention to that. Here's another thing that you might want to consider as part of this one-day communication challenge. And that is point to detoxify your language. You know without realizing it, our language has a huge impact on the atmospheres we create and sometimes we inadvertently create toxic atmospheres. So our challenge is for one day to consider removing four things from your language. And the first thing is cursing. Now we live in a world where cursing has become very common and very familiar and it's always surprising at what high levels you can see people even dropping the f-bomb. And it becomes just so much a part of the vernacular that we begin to think, "Well everybody talks that way." But the reality is now everybody actually doesn't. You know my father-in-law, my wife's dad, he actually served in the Armed Forces, the Army, just after World War II. In fact, he was part of the occupation forces in Japan, immediately after World War II. And I remember watching "Saving Private Ryan" with him, story about troops from within World War II. And in there, they were dropping the f-bomb right and left in that movie. And I remember dad saying, "We didn't talk that way." And it kind of took me by surprise. And I suddenly realized, you know what I'm watching in this movie is not a documentary re-enactment of how soldiers talked. These are modern-day actors trying to imagine how soldiers talked back then. But what dad was saying is, "Nope, it was a more polite society then, and it wasn't just a part of regular conversation, even those of us serving in the Army." What we want you to realize is that cursing, when it becomes a part of the vernacular, it actually creates a kind of atmosphere or an environment. And it has a way of projecting, first of all, an edge of hostility. And second of all, a bit of dogmatism. Sometimes we are using our cursing to add a little forests, our little passion, a little power to the words or opinions that we share. So our challenge to you is for one day, make it a discipline to just remove cursing from your language. And it's interesting, Tim, listening to you to speak of your father-in-law, who looking back said, "We didn't talk that way in our daily present lives. It's also easy to be in a group and someone begins to curse frequently or use some words, and our own private thought bubble might be, I don't talk that way." So they could be offending us and not know it or to flip it over. We can be offending others and not know it. So I think that's a wise thing to go. I want to try that for a day to be aware of that. Here's another thing to consider as a challenge for what we won't say for a day, avoid negativity. Don't whine, complain, or criticize. Now it's real easy to just rattle that off. Hey, let's have a day where we avoid negativity. For some people, it is so much of a reflexive way of living, that they are being negative, releasing poison of negative thoughts or complaining and criticism into the environment like an atomizer, and they're not even aware they're doing it. So I'm telling you right now, gang, this is harder than it looks to avoid negativity. So listeners try to avoid, for one day, cursing negativity, and then third on that list, try to avoid sarcasm. Now, you know, I've often said that sarcasm is my love language, but if you enjoy sarcasm the way Dr. Barrett and I do, you will notice that when you're sarcastic, it just generates sarcasm from your listener, and you create a kind of downward spiral. So what we're saying is, no sarcasm. For one day, make it a discipline to say what you think directly, or don't say it at all. And there is a fourth suggestion that we have, and that is for one day, no backlighting, say nothing behind anyone's back. And this again is something where we go, it can be such a habit for some people that they don't even realize they're doing it. We're saying, well, we want you to live consciously for one day and pay attention to this and the challenge for all of these in terms of for one day detoxify your language, gang, you will be amazed at how hard it is to do this, particularly not if you pick just one, but if you try to say for one day, I want to detoxify my language in all four areas, this is harder than it looks. And the backbiting, you know, that's a real problem in the workplace. I think that's an environment where we tend to make comments about this guy, their performance, their behavior. Of course, they're making the same comments about you, and we don't realize that we're just creating this atmosphere of complaining and negativity. So those are our four things to detoxify your language for one day, discipline yourself to remove cursing, negativity, sarcasm, and backbiting. And as Tom just said, you're going to be surprised how hard it is, how much discipline it takes to do it for just one day's time, but what a difference it can make. Now that brings us to principle number three in our one day communication challenge, imagine your Oprah. For one day, we challenge you to see everyone that you meet as an interview opportunity. That means your challenge for one day is to ask one question of everyone you meet. Now, I know you're thinking, oh, I can do that. Oh, really? Yeah, give that a try. You'd be surprised how hard it can be to come up with those questions. Yeah, I really agree with that, Tim. I think one of the amazing things about Oprah is her capacity to view everyone from all over the world as people are as an individual of interest, an individual of value, an individual that's fascinating. And if we could begin to approach everyone with that belief and then look at them as an interview opportunity, what an impact it would have on how we treat others and the conversations that we might trigger. But again, as you say, this challenge to ask one question of everyone, it's a lot harder than it looks, particularly if we're saying everyone, you know, do you wake up with someone in the bed next to you? How about them? Kids significant. Others people at a gas station told booth. There's a lot of people in the course of one day, particularly if we start using electronic media, we want to consider email. Oh my godly text on all of a sudden we're going, that's a lot of interest in a lot of people and a lot of questions. Yes, it is. And the challenge is to ask a creative question. What time is it? What's the temperature today? What's the weather? No, no, no, come on. I'm talking about a creative question that asks for something more than yes or no from them. Now, here's the funny thing, the ironic thing about this. We all tend to think of ourselves as the center of the universe. And we all are aware of the complexity of our own lives and our own life stories. But every person you ever meet, they've got a life story as well. They're a potentially fascinating person. But we get so used to pontificating that you can find yourself staring at another person thinking, I can't think of a single question to ask you, nothing comes to mind. And that's when you realize we're really bad at interviewing other people. So for a day, that's the challenge. Discipline yourself to become a questioner, an interviewer, someone who draws other people out instead of someone who just shares their own views. You know, and if people take us up on the challenge of, you know, being like Oprah for a day, Tim, and they start to ask creative questions while viewing everyone as a person of fascination, what their surprise will be is people actually are fascinating. And they'll realize, my godly, just this one exercise, this one challenge has really changed my lens on the fact that beneath the surface, everyone has a life. And a story that is fascinating. And when you pull it out, it's kind of good, good for them, good for us, changes the environment. So today, we're talking about the one day communication challenge. And we are listing five challenges for you listeners today. Do these things for one day and see what a difference it makes for you. So far, we've covered three challenges. The first, for one day, surrender all of your opinions. For one day, we said, withhold your opinion on everything. And instead of pontificating about your opinion, draw the opinions out from other people. Challenge number two, for one day detoxify your language. For one day, we said, discipline yourself to remove four things from the way you talk, cursing negativity, sarcasm, and backbiting. You'll be surprised how hard it is to do. And challenge number three, imagine your Oprah. For one day, we said, ask one question of everyone that you meet. And that brings us to point number four, pretend they're from another planet. Now, this one bears a little explanation. So Tim, give it a context. In a previous communication guys episode Tom, I told the story about a group of undergraduate students at Harvard many years ago that decided to do a little informal survey of their own in the streets of Cambridge there. So they went out and took a one question survey. They would just stop people passing by and they'd ask the question, how do I get to central square? And what they discovered is that people would give as little information as possible. They would just say, head down there, make a right. And then they'd be off on their merry way. So they decided to change the way they asked the question on the survey. They'd walk up to people and they would say, excuse me, I'm from out of town, or I'm not from around here, or sometimes they'd even put on a fake foreign accent, then ask the very same question, how do I get to central square? But when they asked their question in a different way, when they said, I'm not from around here, what they discovered is that people would slow it way down and give lots more information. Then people would say, oh, okay, you're not from around here. Well, this street that you're on, that's called, and now you're going to go three blocks, three, and then you'll make a right turn where the sign says, and then you'll go, and they gave very thorough instructions. And the conclusion these students drew from this little informal survey was the more you think you have in common with someone, the less patient you will be. And that's a powerful principle for us in trying to connect with our world. What we're trying to say is it would be helpful for us for one day's time, if you could just pretend everybody is from another planet, that everybody doesn't share everything in common with you and doesn't already understand and know what you know. And if you'll do that, you can do a much better job of connecting with them. Well, I like that story, Tim. It reminds me listening to you that, you know, if we would view people as if they were from another planet, two things happen. Number one, we lower our expectations of them, but also it refreshes our patients with them. And that's a pretty powerful way to start going through a day. And this is a principle that we've developed in past podcasts. For example, in episode 44, we did a podcast on, "Are you leaving your listeners out?" And there we talked about the power of shorthand in some groups where we assume everyone speaks our language, knows our terminology, and is sort of all in the same club linguistically and knowledge wise. And we assume too much. And when we do that, we aren't connecting with our audience. We're actually leaving listeners out. And it's something we want to avoid. And then back in episode 56, that was entitled "Dangers of a Friendly Audience." And that's where we talked about the problem of if you're in a round a group of people, maybe you're a teacher, maybe you're a coach, a group of people that you address over and over again. Well, the problem is you get used to being around those people. There are stories you can tell that you know they'll relate to. But if you ever walk away from that group and you take the same approach to another group, a group of strangers, suddenly you'll find that you're not able to connect with them. You know, another episode we did tend to end this subject of connection or inadvertently not connecting and communicating was episode 41 where we talked about who can afford to tell you the truth. And there we talk about how executives often wind up surrounded by like-minded people that are not comfortable telling them the actual truth about what's going on or things the executive needs to know. But again, it's one of these places where we can find out we are not actually communicating well. And by the way, listeners, if you're interested in some of these podcasts, remember, you can always go to our website and we have an entire list of the archives of every podcast that we have given. And feel free to browse it and pick the ones where you go, I need to pay attention to that one. Now, the common denominator in each of those episodes is the idea that we make the mistake of thinking we have too much in common with the people that are around us. We expect them to know certain things, understand certain things, get certain stories. And when they don't, we become impatient with them. So our challenged you listeners for one day is to just assume that everybody is from out of town, from another planet. Assume that they do not share the knowledge that you have. Assume that they have no formal education or even assume that they're having a struggle speaking the language that you speak. And ask yourself, if that was true, then how would I say things? And how much patience would I have and how much would I slow things down? That's the challenge. For one day, assume everybody is from another planet. You know, on this topic, my wife is very good at practicing this because there are many times she looks at me like I am from another planet. But I have a lot in common. But that's not the way we mean it today. Rather than viewing people with a unique fresh look are in the fifth and final challenge in terms of this one day communication makeover is this look for agreements, not arguments. There's a lingua, some Georgetown University of very famous woman named Deborah Tan and she wrote a book 20 years ago that has become a classic called the argument culture, stopping America's war of words. You know, I love the title of the book and I think boy, talk about someone who was ahead of her time. If it was an argument culture 20 years ago, how much more do we live in an argument culture today? But the point that she was trying to make in the book is we are living in a very polarized world and this has become a world of arguments, not conversations, arguments. And when all you're doing is standing on opposite sides of a wall and shouting things back and forth over the wall, there's no real connection that takes place. Yeah, I'm reminded Tim and this whole idea of a polarized world is the role the media plays today because their job they think is to create controversy because when they do it keeps ratings up. Their challenge as a business is to grab attention to get viewers to get eyeballs to get followers and readers and listeners and the way they do that is to say things that are ostensibly outrageous but either provoke us or cause us to want to pay attention to what they're saying and they've won even though we wind up listening to things that are in flambatory and just keep a spun up and wired. And we wind up developing the habit of taking a position instead of looking for agreement. And that's what we're saying for one day, it could be really powerful to slow it down, let go of our positions and look for agreements. And it's a challenge in a polarized culture to find those agreements with other people. Maya Angelou wrote a very famous poem called Human Family and she has a refrain in that poem where she writes, "I note the obvious differences between each sort and type but we are more alike my friends than we are unalike and I love that last line, Tom, we are more alike my friends than we are unalike but what she doesn't say in the poem is but you have to figure out how you are more alike. And our differences are obvious especially in a world that's growing more and more diverse in so many ways it's easy to look at other people and spot the differences between you. But our challenge to you listeners for one day is spot the similarities. For one day we challenge you to identify clearly one commonality that you have with every single person that you meet. As I think about that, Tim, I think of our listeners that literally are from all over the world and we appreciate every one of you that listens to the podcast but we also understand that people are not changed by what they hear. They are changed by what they do. And that's why today we're challenging you to consider five things to do for one day in your life with hold your opinions on everything. Remove cursing, negativity, and sarcasm and backbiting from your language. Ask one question of everyone you meet. Assume everyone in front of you is from out of town and find one commonality with everyone you meet. Do these things and then watch and see what happens. Thanks for joining us today. You know if you're like us you listen to podcasts like ours on the go in the car on the job at the gym. So you'll be glad to know that we took notes for you today. And if you'd like a summary of the highlights of today's communication guys podcasts you can find show notes and any sources we mentioned at communicationguys.com. And the communication guys podcast is produced every Monday. And if you liked what you heard today why not drop by Apple podcast and subscribe. And while you're there please leave us a favorable review. 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