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Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. Starting a business can seem like a daunting task. Unless you have a partner like Shopify. They have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need. There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz, and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at Shopify.com slash special offer. Good evening, gentlemen. Special listeners or watchers, and welcome to Destructible. This episode. Mechanistic Mark gives a manic media update, then twists. A trusted format. Befogged Bob wins elocution funding. Nearly kills with his boars. Accuses arithmetic and is defeated by D-nuts and juices. Will establish Wade's self-owns. Loathes lightning. Deals in disappointment and dicks the wrong holes. From Kucherov. To the killer cold opens. To super heroic sexcapades. Hehehehehhehhehheh. It's time for. That sounds bad. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted. And enjoy the show. Do you guys see that they performed Golden at Coachella? Why? Perform the other one, cowards. This is what it's like. This is what it sounds like. It was with a bigger K-pop group. And they added a ton of harmonies to it. Because it was like nine women on stage singing it. And I saw people talking about it. And I was like, they did the one, but they did the harmonies. They did not. Yeah, getting that many people would be great for the song at the end that has the whole crowd going. And then how they sing in the lyrics about how they're singing in harmony, but they're not. Yeah, no, it'd be crazy. Imagine. Yeah. But no, Golden, the one that wasn't the important pinnacle of the movie. So it's like the fake out there building towards it to perform it. And then, oh, no, it's ruined. All these companies taking the wrong message out of the movie. Go figure. Hello and welcome to Distractible. That's what you call a gold open. All right. Cue our office intro. Do we have an office intro? We do now. It's the office intro with our faces over each of the characters. Oh, we're going to get sued. And Steve Carell. We leave Steve Carell. Right. Of course, none of us could replace him. Now introducing special guests. Never mind. I don't think they did that in the office where they go. And now our special guest. Are you sure? Pretty sure. Season 14, episode two. It's been a while since I watched it. So Michael comes out of his office and goes, that's what she said. And someone goes, oh, my God, Steve Carell. Special guest, Steve Carell. Oh, my God. So realistic. Very realistic. Just like this podcast. It's almost like we're really here. But no, we're agentic. Oh, yeah. I have agency. Yeah. Do you? Are you sure? I am agentic. Okay. Bob is agentic. I thought you were an aphrodisiac. That's not the word. You keep thinking, man. You keep thinking over there. Oh. I could be both of those. Yeah. Get those thoughts churning, man. It's almost going to be your turn. Bob, you're my aphrodisiac. Torbeck can make you feel all kinds of things. Torbeck, you sound. That's how we always sound. Shut up. Torbeck is here and depressed as usual. I feel like he's in the room. Not all of us are talented and accomplished voice actors. Actually, none of us are. I think you are. I think you could do that one. It's just Torbeck. Stop showing off. God. Oh, it's not showing off to Torbeck. Let's not. I think he was right about that. Oh, look at me. I am Torbeck. It is great to be here in the burg with you. Introducing Ethan as Torbeck. Wow. Special guest Ethanether. Ah! No! All right. Lisp point. Lisp point. I'm sorry, Bob. We're being unfair to you. I'll just be quiet for the rest of this one. Ethan, take my spot. All right, Ethan. Everybody, welcome special guest Ethan. Ethanether. Ethanether. What's up, my cranky crew? Oh, there's no S's in there, so it doesn't. Is there a rule about calling yourself out if you say something? I don't think so. I don't have to call myself out? Did someone say the word? Bob, did you say it? No, he said it. I said it. I said it. He said that you all are being the U-word to me. Yeah. Well, now we have to do it, but I don't even know what for. Well, I didn't know if I. If you ain't just shut your yap hole. Well, we get yelled at a lot for not noticing, and I noticed, so I didn't know if I had to notice. I think he was saying that you were being unfair for making fun of me for. For lisping or for not being able to do the Torbeck voice? I'm not sure. I don't know what his point was. Just in general, you know, we were just being rude to Bob. So he was saying we were unfair because you were getting shit for it. It was unfair of you all to make jokes about me. What a waste of this coin. If this is declared fair with all heads, we will, you and me, Wade, we will pay for voice training lessons for Bob until he can make the Torbeck voice. oh okay we will make it right we will pay for those lessons if it's doubly unfair we get to make fun of bob for his normal speaking voice as well that's pretty fair that's very fair i think all right ready heads oh no is that lady heads on yours i can't lady has heads yeah lady has heads all right we gotta pay for we're gonna we're gonna hire the actual guy from legends of adventurous and we're gonna get him to get you to be able to be torbek and we will not stop paying whatever his fee is and or a comparable voice trainer because he might be pricey now that that shows popular he's very famous and successful well i mean if i'm gonna do this i want the real torbek to teach me about torbek stuff so all right okay we'll we'll see what his availability is price cost be damned you know okay you're gonna you're gonna get a fair we get you voice lessons for torbek that doesn't look like is that his name andy flynn is that the guy's name yeah but i searched andy flynn and i did not get the right guy if you search andy flynn eventress he comes up oh there's there's another like actor or someone who is also named andy flynn you were laughing like it was some porn actor or something and i thought that was gonna be all right the great andy flynn wow man he's working out he's getting oh oh my god his whole instagram is just him working out with the shit holy shit he's so jacked i don't have to learn that do i no no well unless it's part of torbek he might say it's actually part of it oh no okay well hey listen up handsome what's your day rate for getting bob voice training to be torbek we're not trying to replace you unless he does better than you in which case sorry i mean given where i'm starting from how could i not be better than him that poor guy is about to get hounded and he's gonna hate us he's gonna be like what is distractible who are these dumb fuckers god i hate our fans i hate distractible too all right so that is handled of all the times to get triple heads i just say couldn't i use that on a thing that actually mattered i mean not that i won't enjoy voice lessons with the great andini you're literally immortal was that from a coin flip oh that was from a coin flip okay never mind never mind never mind never mind i don't have nothing to complain about that's just me being a bitch i think mark and i deserve some good coin flip wins nah you deserve nothing shut up mark continue your episode thank you i will it's time to move on to small talk yes we are small talk it's been a very derailed episode times a bit cold open i'm gonna give a blast of of news updates from the various things of nab of which i'm going to but by the time this comes out i will have already been so no you can't meet me there uh da vinci got a new update that's pretty cool gopro comeback maybe cool cameras came out uh there's a lot of other new tools with ai in them that are probably scary i don't know adobe's out of frothing in the corner or something i have no idea and then there's a lot of bags a lot of lights a lot of uh camera equipment a lot of monitors for viewing things audio equipment kind of cool stuff like that that's all you guys need to know okay as we do every week we do a media and broadcast equipment news update that's true every week it's an interest we all share equally equally wait say one tech thing microphone okay man that's that is technically correct you get a point i had that one already in the bank just in case you look around at the closest thing in your room like oh microphone does wrist wrist rest does that count does this is tech this kind of technology made it right i it's kind of i don't know so technically all right his true laugh oh god damn all right strawberry lemonade for lunch time i'm going oh my god no wonder you're so crazy yeah i don't know i'm going crazy look i don't i don't care if this has a billion red 40 and and you know uh it's it's the coke zero cherry float it's delicious it probably has all kinds of chemicals in there to make it taste good but god damn no those are surprisingly good i like those acesulfame nice does it have astatine in it i don't see any but it's got phenyl ketonerics ketones those are good i've not heard of those since the treaty at westfalia we're never gonna forget westfalia see you casually use that word in like so many episodes and then you acted like you've never heard it before in your life when we were playing today i feel like that was a pretty generous word you had cheeseburger yeah well that's long and weird i'm just smart starting a business can seem like a daunting task unless you have a partner like shopify they have the tools you need to start and grow your business from designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond shopify can help with everything you need there's a reason millions of companies like mattel heinz and all birds continue to trust and use them with shopify on your side turn your big business idea into sign up for your one dollar per month trial at shopify.com special offer you had cheeseburger he's right he's right we talked about this i told you i was finding funny when we were fighting those words together you were like oh oh i found a really good one and i was like all right he's getting tough words i'll get tough words well i thought we did be more of the game where we had to like you were just sitting there being like cheeseburger yes this will stump them there weren't that many 12 letter words the thing is i could totally see wayne doing that where he finds cheeseburgers like oh oh yeah that's gonna stump him oh man maybe i missed the assignment a little bit of okay i thought we were on the same wavelength and we never are i'm sorry man when i searched for 12 letter words second we play slay the spire 2 then we are the same wavelength no it doesn't then we're all on the same wavelength and i've learned that lightning boy sucks he does not he's awesome i had the best run i've had solo run i've had it's been with him fucking i got the craziest thing where i basically half my deck costs zero and then i had a couple of that one where you put all zero cost cards from your disc card back into your hand i had things where on the second or third turn i was just like get them all back everyone's dead like he's fucking crazy if you build them right i did not have that kind of luck when we were playing i had one evoke and a bunch of bullshit and plasma oh plasma oh plasma oh plasma i didn't even see plasma i had lightning cold dark and glass class is stinky but plasma's the way glass is equivalent to lightning except it diminishes i think it shouldn't diminish over time i'd rather have dark yeah of course everyone would rather have dark dark dark dark was great but i only had like one dark that's why i lost get more dark i couldn't man i was the heart of the mercy of the draw and the draw was like you know what you need glass quit the game forever then quit it forever let's play right now no we have a we have another game have you even small talked at all guys i did i said i said i had strawberry lemonade today and that's technically qualifies as small pot yeah you're right you're not getting a point for it though technically oh my god i hate that yeah i didn't give you a point for that either because it scared me good i'll give you the truest laugh wade you need to learn how to golf this year i need more people in my circle who golf okay we're gonna we're gonna hit the range and then we gotta go play some some little local nine holes you're good at sports you're good at ball sports you're athletic guy you'll be fine at golf it's very fun if you had said like volleyball basketball tennis like for some reason golf and baseball man i don't know just i need i need a whole racket the little tiny nub club i'm just having man i miss the ball a lot it's not easy the thing about golf is it doesn't matter if you're the fucking worst golfer ever it's still fun to go drive golf carts around and go and just hit balls and try and get them near the hole it's fun you say that until we're six hours in and i'm still on the hole one i'm awful the last time i played nine holes i lost like six balls in nine holes like i'm terrible at golf but you're so strong you hit the ball it goes far that does not help you one of the balls i lost i lost because i hit it like 50 yards past the hole and i almost killed someone if i hadn't yelled four and they hadn't turned and looked i might have killed a guy still had a great time well the risk there is also that they turn right to the ball and get donked right in the face yeah well everyone knows the front of the face is the most resilient part of the head back of the head all you got is skin bone brain front of the head you got cartilage you got eyeballs and teeth you don't need those to live you gotta let extra stuff cushion the brain which is really the part you gotta keep safe yeah yeah i guess and ears are not as protective as they seem you don't play like tennis instead can we just play go a little golf you could use my clubs they're for tall guys you're a tall guy why can't we just go to top golf and that'll be the end of it i mean that's fine too that's fun i like top golf i know i wasn't invited to this but you know i'm assuming i was invited well dude you're always invited you just live across an entire giant ass country now hold on hold on always mostly you're usually invited no look my my perspective is mark is invited to everything that i do but i'm not but i know that there's just realities about how far away we live from each other and it's not always going to line up so like i'm gonna go hop in the shower mark's just invited if he wanted to man he could jump right in with me i got a big big tall big shower be fine lots of space okay got an extra brush you can use a brush would you help me hold it while i pee if you were in the bathroom with me i feel like that's up to him that's what i'm asking he could be invited you don't get to dictate how he participates all right that's my small talk bob you got me i feel like that was my small talk wait a minute i claimed it dibs oh uh what else do i have going on i have a car and wade doesn't how about that oh you still got that car thing going on huh yeah it was a nice car too that was great that's a great car that was mine that was in my driveway that's my car it's a good car i already told you everything that happened in my life because we caught up so it's tricky when you hang out in real life and it's not recorded what do you i guess we need to record it every time we're near each other just in case it needs to go on the podcast we've been together every day except for yesterday in some capacity there was a real good ai update there was i mean at this point it's like two weeks ago so trust me there's a lot of people who are going to hear this who did not hear the update if you don't know what real good ai is you should check it out realgoodai.org for those that don't know about it and yes we're making ai and we're building our own data center right yes yes we're going to call it real gpt no it's science the good kind of science is there a bad is there evil science i guess probably there's mad science so i guess that's not good science this is the fun kind of science like flubber it is like flubber it absolutely is like flubber anyway there was a breakthrough in training and getting the gaussian process model in with it's normally a neural network so that was big it is proof of concept for the future of good ai i know i asked this and they're not ready to publish yet but when do you think that'll be published um that is a tricky call i don't know if i know enough about it to say for sure when it'll be published i think it's already like there was already a newsletter type update that is that's available on the website and i think there are some social media posts where manny's talking about it and like we stream every thursday if they come to the stream they can ask about it but publishing getting it actually written up and published and all that stuff is like the slowest most painful process this ever so i don't know if i can give an actual timeline for that but but he's working on it eric did that research and he's such a good little scientist that even though he's real sick right now he's still working working he's busting his ass crazy for all of us for all of us hey if it turned out to be evil we didn't do that part yeah for sure that was probably someone else nature versus nurture you can only do so much that's uh that's what they say maybe math is just evil i mean i've had inklings i've always thought math was a particularly evil but you know i've never known the math to prove it it can be very divisive no sorry too too late hush that's uh the buzzer rang that joke was midair it did not land in time that would have been such a good point to use that yeah that would have been good i'm invoking the double coin flip rule nope okay notice this dodgeball that's a double fault sudden death next constitution we gotta make a challenge of some kind besides unfair but it's like you know flag based we gotta throw something didn't we used to have flags and get rid of them oh you're right wait that's vaguely familiar wait oh wow but i don't know if we stopped using them because we forgot or if we literally were like no more flags now we do the unfair coin flip okay now we got an extra one where it's like we have to throw something but every time it gets thrown it has to be heavier than before throw something oh that's gonna get real bad real fast yeah i guess i'm not keeping heavy shit around my my desk anymore all right okay we gotta get on with the game because we've been doing this for 20 minutes already we're not gonna have any time get ready for a recycled idea from the past yeah you know what time it is actually it's a slightly evolved idea from the past that's the best kind of recycling dinosaurs no okay all right cool uh no you fools it's time for that sounds bad oh play the theme song yeah wow special guest steve carell steve all right see you he was on the other side of that door he said he had to go i should have gone this way of course but i didn't but it's uh fine i vaguely remember this wasn't it that sounds good the first time i heard it i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know yeah it was that sounds good this is now that sounds bad which is an idea that i got in the middle of that sounds good and i was like wow that probably would be funnier and i believe that's correct the way it works is one of you well i'll flip a coin we'll decide who goes first we'll say something i will give you a prompt and you'll go give me a way that it's bad and these are typically good things and then you're gonna make it sound bad and the other person's gonna make it sound worse and the other person then it goes back to the first to make it sound worse whoever can make it sound worse make it sound bad really bad and continue the chain without going back so the first person that says something that is not worse than the previous one loses the other person gets the point makes sense right right right yes i think this will work better because if there's one thing you guys are good at it's being negative heads wade tails wait hey wait a minute that's unfair oh shit wait it's tails you're bummed oh good thank god somebody wasted our unfair already this episode look at how prismatic it looks it's like all blue and stuff oh that is cool it's just my uh my reflection monitor here but elgato i need to say this i have the prompter and it's very useful especially if i'm recording i can see if i'm recording and whatnot but you either have this model or the fucking gigantic one i just need a little bigger that's all i need bigger than the giant one i have the giant was i was like i can't physically put it up here it'd be too big but i need something just a little bigger somewhere in between you know middle size prompter all right bob you're gonna make a donut the delicious delectable sugary treat that is a donut sound bad donuts taste great but uh you know what comes with that great taste every single time you have a donut feeling of you immediately when you make the choice to have a donut for breakfast you immediately feel like you've lost the day like no matter how good it tastes you're like well it's a donut day so you know i maybe i won't work out today like who cares i had a donut like everything's down the drain it's all downhill from here it's a great donut maybe i'll have pizza for dinner who cares it's donut day it just comes with it as good as it tastes it's just not a solid start it sets you up for a donut that sounds you know i get that i get that you know if you start with donuts you got all that sugar going up in there it's not good for anybody to start that way as opposed to like you know an egg or something like that you know the food that has all the nutrition possible perfect food you feel like i'm like you could kill the world you eat eggs wade can you make that donut sound badder well on top of just starting the day off wrong because you're choosing to have a donut the process of getting a donut is really fucking annoying especially for us non-morning people because donuts you know when you get donuts on your way to work if you work a normal nine to five you go and you get your donut and you get your coffee and you have to wait in the longest fucking lines we grew up in milford we went to school in milford right and in milford there was a duncan donuts right on the like out of the way if you're going to school it was out of the way if you're going to work i guess it's on the way to the highway but the line would wrap around the building and then come out onto like the bypass that would block up traffic and you had to go and wait forever to even get your donut and then you get there and you're like oh my god i'm going to like i want this donut i don't know strawberry frost like we're sold out would you like this cake donut i'm like no i don't want i just waited for 40 minutes for the strawberry long lines and disappointment because the ones you want they're limited in quantity they can't possibly paint another whoa what kind of donuts does this place have pink 76 you know that's how you get your magic paint donuts what the hell's going on you just put some little paint on it's not a strawberry but no they're like we got the ugly cake thing dude i'd like cake dough cake donuts are delicious not when you want the strawberry frosted well you just kind of modify your expectations all right inconvenient that's great all right bob another thing about donuts when you're in like a group setting they're almost always a letdown you show up to the office show up to the set we've been on a lot of show up and you see and you're like ah they got a box of donuts all right i was running a little late i skipped breakfast today i would really love to have a donut that sounds fantastic god i hope they have some chocolate glazed or what i don't even really care i just hope they have a good i hope it's not like jelly filled powdered covered donut that's gonna make me a mess for the rest of my life oh don't even whatever i'll eat it and then you go up to the box and you're like i'm starving this is what i needed and you open the donut box and for some fucking reason there's one quarter of a donut box and you're like oh my god i'm starving this is what i needed of one bear claw in the box one who cuts up and touches donuts in a public box of donuts two who leaves one quarter of one donut and three why is the box still there if there's not even one entire donut in it it's always like that i've never opened a box of donuts anywhere other than my own house and found a whole donut in it let alone multiple that i could choose from at this point there's a certain point where you realize right and so sometimes you see it and you're like i'm not even gonna look that's probably fucking day old donuts i don't even care but you forget sometimes and when you really need it that's when you forget and you're like ah there's no there's no donuts there's hope and then you open it and it's fucking sadness and anger and it makes your day worse every single time man those true words very bad wait you grab a donut you're ready to take your bite take it real interesting good flavor maybe at first and then you're like oh my god i'm starving this is what i needed then we zoom into the throat as the donut comes down mushroom cloud inside of you why because not a single fucking nutrient just entered your body you just ate nothing but greasy fat and sugar and exploded within you telling your body i don't want anything actually to eat what i want to do is die 20 years younger arm a fucking get oh there's fallout happening right in your butt hope you have a shelter built you don't there go your insides from all the grease sugar and fat content of probably the worst combination of things you can eat outside of directly eating poison or like bleach or something so congratulations for all of the nuclear waste building up in your gut because you're going to be seeing that thing expand soon trust me it does it catches up uh yeah you're right donut arm again that's pretty bad bob okay donuts right you know donuts you've seen donuts they have a fatal flaw they're too soft you don't want food to be too soft like that you know what could go inside of a donut jelly cream razor blades poison tablets anything small animals worms who knows donuts are designed to be filled which is sold as a feature but but they're so soft, you could slide something in, you can't even see! can't even see the hole where it went in you could be handed a donut with a dozen razor blades in it and not even be able to tell there was anything wrong with it and you take a big bite and boom razor blades in your mouth alright I mean that does sound bad I don't like that alright Wade revelations I think I'll concede to the razor blades alright yeah okay alright alright razor blade donuts alright that was a horrifying visual that sounded so bad I thought I had it with the nukes now you gotta look at every donut you see for the rest of your life with a little with a little contempt now the razor blades were a step up I can't deny alright Wade it's your turn to go first alright you're gonna uh you go outside it's a bright sunny beautiful day perfect temperature birds are singing make this sound bad set the scene one more time it's a bright sunny day you go outside it's a bright beautiful sunny day perfect temperature slight just the lightest beautiful breeze it doesn't even tussle your hair but it cools that's so refreshing and then the birds are singing and grass green trees leaves beautiful nature well let me tell you why this really uh fluffs my feathers a little bit in the wrong way Mark cause I walk outside it's a beautiful sunny day there's a light breeze that doesn't even tussle my hair and then I'm reminded Mark I don't have hair I'm bald and you know every time I go outside and it's a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze I'm reminded there is no hair I could get sunburned and my hair doesn't blow in the wind anymore and that kind of takes a little bit of it out for me you're right okay I get it I'm sorry I didn't realize there are some people that can't enjoy that well sensitivity training might do you some good I guess come down there Wade you slow your roll a little bit alright it's a beautiful sunny morning you're outside you've gone to your favorite park you're out there to enjoy some nature and you start your walk and you're like ah excuse me oh excuse me on your left oh a bicycle oh fuck you know who the fuck is outside people people are outside every time I've been outside trying to enjoy nature or a beautiful day there's always someone there to ruin it there's always some kid on a bicycle or a skateboard or with a remote control car or a dog that's not on a leash for some reason in a public park or there's always some stupid person out there ruining that shit the only place you're safe from people is inside your house or in the house of a trusted friend or associate where you know no one who's going to ruin it is going to be there maybe the backyard is safe but even in your own backyard you can have shit ruined by people outside stinks that's a good point all these great weathers and fun things draw other people and people are naturally terrible we all know this to be true awful Wade not the people outside you got to worry about it's them they're watching inside you can go ahead you can search and make sure there's no bugs planted on your lamps or your light sockets but outside there could be cameras anywhere the birds themselves they're drones who's watching from the moon the government is there even a moon I don't know the earth is flat so why is there a round thing in the sky doesn't make a lot of sense to me so I'm outside now reminded of all the things out of my control and all the people watching me that want to take me take my brain and put things in my butt yeah I don't want to go outside it's awful because all it is is chaos out of my control and they they control it all all right man okay cool that escalated quickly yeah Bob couldn't you go worse than that hmm it's a beautiful morning maybe it's in the past maybe this is from another generation beautiful August morning Sun's coming up lovely day you're outside it's about 8:15 in the morning August 9th 1945 beautiful lovely morning in your home city of Hiroshima Japan and all you want to do is stand outside and soak up some Sun what's that rumble in the distance this might even be cut out I'm having second thoughts about this no it's so funny it's so funny it's god is it oh man look that might be one of the worst mornings a person has ever had it's funny in this context but also pretty serious pretty bad pretty bad pretty bad hard to hard to imagine much worse can't ever joke about that thing much like other things that we can't make fun of for sure I'm gonna give you a point but it's not over wait can you go worse I just want you to know I had written a couple of things to escalate I don't know what to say I just want you to know that it's the worst thing I've ever done in my life and my last one was looking up the sky one last time before nuclear war he's got you beat he's got you beat that was where I had it ending so great minds huh great minds what is worse for you than that I don't know I don't know you concede you can concede I don't want to but yeah yeah I got I don't like yeah all right that's it razor blade I thought at first that's where you're gonna go just like you're looking up la-di-da on my foot razor congratulations Bob that's two in a row you're on a roll feel great about that one it's right back to you to start and you're gonna make sex sound bad just limbs and sweat sticky just rubbing a lot of rubbing if you're not prepared for the rubbing there's a lot of chafing just you know just like yeah you know it's like a really disinterested sex ed teacher you don't want it's not it yeah you both are sex ed teachers teaching a class about how absence is the right path alright wait sex it may be fine for some and it's a cooperative activity one of my favorite animes and mangas solo leveling I don't need a partner the odds of having someone else getting my way and had caused me extra time and stress whatever I know I can get the job done faster and more efficiently no thank you I mean I'm gonna allow this but I'm like you made masturbation sound good as opposed to sex sounding bad so well that's better well I'll let it pass I'll let it pass that's the one morning that's right you will yeah I've determined it for you I may not have thinking about it good alright Bob alright sex sex happens with another person you'll feel what they're doing to you and you'll feel what you're doing to them and you you'll kind of have an idea what's going on but you know you don't get to know what are they thinking what are they looking at are they looking at your hips they looking at your your chubby thighs are they laughing at your physique are they laughing at your technique are you doing a good job are they happy you think it's going well do they think it's going well are they satisfied was that fake did that are they just pretending are they faking it right now wait a minute how am I faking it wait is this real what's real what's real here you want to lose all sense of self you want to dissociate so hard that you barely even exist for a while yeah go ahead have some sex dissociative crisis that's that is true yeah you will entirely lose your your your sense of personhood happens to be every time Wade worse life with your partner is a beautiful dance a tango you guys have it all figured out you know how you divide up the home chores the work life raising kids so on and so forth you have similar interests you go and you see your movies together you go on your walks everything is a perfect yin and yang and then all of a sudden one night you have one drink too many at the bar and all of a sudden you wake up and go huh what happened who's that Oh sex wrong person now my whole relationships and all kinds of fucked up just because of one bad sex I'm sorry I'm on a keto diet roll I break my diet it's okay but I put my dick in the wrong hole and all of a sudden it's all gonna end sex ruins everything Wow I didn't see that all right okay that that's for sounds real bad man you're right it all blows up Bob can you make it sound worse do you like movies there's one specific movie I've seen but I wish I could unsee stop reading my script that I think will make you think twice about ever having sex ever again for any reason we're seeing the 2007 film teeth damn you the story that's a comedy horror comedy in air quotations about a woman whose vagina is a woman whose vagina has teeth yes this is real this is a real medical condition this is not fabricated for fictional movies this happens and there's no way to know until it's too There's no way. way for you to be able to tell it's a gamble every time maybe you like gambling with your dick but for me i say it's not worth it just imagine the teeth vividly imagine it it's almost like there's razor blades in there that's exactly the motif i'm i'm riffing on yes that was great yeah that sounds horrible yeah i remember in that movie when the doctor gets his fingers bitten off he goes so i'm giving you a point for vagina dentata vagina dentata what a delivery yeah i'm actually uh screen sharing with wade wade right now so i'm just stealing all your ideas directly off what you did i had to double check and make sure i didn't still have the document up from the one man show all right wade you got one chance to go higher teeth pretty bad kind of a one-off instance i want to go higher i want to go higher i want to go higher i want to go higher i want you to imagine for a moment a world of superheroes and super villains right imagine if we could all just get like a little shot and all of a sudden we could develop a superpower but we don't know how that's going to come to fruition some people can fly some people get super strength some people come magma some people get really small and climb into dicks but then they sneeze and explode and there it goes you never know what kind of horrible sexual shenanigans might come up you never know if there might be teeth or worse than teeth or razer blades uh maybe whenever someone farts after uh they have a nuclear explosion come out this world of superheroes could be amazing but also you got more than teeth to worry about because any kind of jizz or cum or sensation or scream or laugh or spit could be acid could be anything everything is a gamble every time you even go to hold someone's hand it could melt your fingers off much less putting your dick in there this world of super heroes could be great but it has a dark underbelly of sex explosions melting pain screams and that little tickling sensation you can never quite get to go away which is kind of itchy after a while yeah that does sound bad that sounds worse than just teeth i'll give you it because you made me remember the boys now you kind of stole everything from that yeah i stole it that's right all right bob let's put a time frame on this let's say just as a specific example it's not what you think calm down okay okay i thought i was in 1945 perhaps it's august 9th again but it doesn't matter what year it is okay and it's definitely in like the 2000s or later maybe it's august 9th of this past year do you know what means if you had sex on august 9th of this past year it means that in less than a month you're gonna be a parent and you're gonna be responsible for an entire other human being and there's all kinds of stuff that comes along with that and some of it is great and some of it involves terrible horrible unthinkable things and some of it involves poop being on parts of you you didn't know poop could get on and some of it involves furniture you own never smelling the same but there are a lot of aspects to it and unless you're ready for that shit and unless you really mean that shit you should just stay away from it because god knows how much you're having sex these days how many kids might just be cropping up left and right who knows yeah watch out for that shit unless you're a woman then it's way less of a surprise but you know still whoa still whoa all right here's my logic here that's definitely the scariest thing in the world to some people but to some people it's what they really want we want that weirdos i know very strange people just bizarre right i think there are probably a subset of people that want the lava come but it's probably a much smaller proportion of people that think that it's good than that it's bad so can i clarify that i was i was specifically thinking of this in the context of we're like teaching a high school health class and that i think the breakdown of high schoolers who want to have kids on the internet is a big thing and i think it's a big thing and i think it's a big thing and i think it's a big thing and i think it's a big thing and i think it's a big thing purpose is probably a lot lower than the general population that is scary it's it's probably true it probably is very scary i'll take a stab at give it to him i'll take a stab at escalating from there well but he's the judge he's the judge i just i feel like clarify wade is passing on this to take another stab at getting even worse than babies this feels like the the building on right like i'm taking we're taking each other's ideas and taking a step that's the whole thing yeah yep all right why did i do this okay so you find that person you meet eyes at the bar they take a sip of their drink you know what they're thinking because it's what you're thinking they want another drink ah fuck so you buy them a drink you guys you have some chemistry you find out you have some stuff in common you go home you fuck like rabbits you have sex here you have sex there all the sinful fuck that you can have and then you find out you got pregnant you're gonna be a dad you don't know this person's name you don't remember their name but you know i'm gonna i'm gonna be there i'm gonna step okay i'm gonna try to raise this kid up i'm gonna try to raise this kid up i'm gonna try to raise this kid up kid you stick around you get to know the person okay we have some chemistry we can we can we can make this work and then the day of the delivery comes baby's born a doctor goes and goes to hand you the baby the baby bites the doctor's finger like oh that's kind of weird i had to do that baby's handed over to the mom baby doesn't cry it just sits there kind of looking like it knows something you don't and then you see the six six six tattoo on the baby and you realize you in sin have helped birth the antichrist because of your sex now you've got to raise the anti-jesus responsibility i always come back to religion with this guy you know i wasn't falling the whole time but i i shouldn't have doubted i shouldn't have dad that's true what's worse than having a bunch of babies you don't even know about but maybe you do the evilest baby evilest baby hides the remote and all kinds of sick shit that monster bob what do you think you got another oh sure yeah i could go with that worse than that i got them locked and loaded over here all right all right all right sex does crazy things to your brain empties you of all reason it drains you of any thought as soon as you get it on the brain you're like anything anyone sex i need it i gotta have it and then one day you snap back to reality oh there goes gravity and you wake up and you look over and you're like oh maybe we could do it one more time before i head out and never talk to this person again and you're looking and you can't their face the other way like oh who's weird i don't i can't really remember last night uh this bedroom's kind of familiar that's that perfume perfume's very familiar it's crazy some strangely nostalgic about what's going on here i don't understand and then finally the person next to you wakes up they notice you're awake they roll over and they look you in the eyes and say what a magical night son the best part of waking up is that worse than antichrist incest antichrist i don't know really think about it mark are you guys forcing me to choose mark would you rather have antichrist or incest if you let wade win you have to have incest that's the rules as far as like what sounds better bad my face went more at bob's so i'm gonna go with his as being currently the leader so wait unless you want to take another stab at going even worse and then presenting me with another choice you go out there's a beautiful festival happening right there's flowers everywhere everything is perfectly in bloom everything is immaculate looking you would have a drink best drink you ever had you take a bite of food the best bite of food you ever had and then the crowd parts and you see her standing there absolutely glowing a goddess the most beautiful thing you've ever seen and you go up and you strike conversation and she introduces herself and you start talking and all of a sudden she's giving you some signs and you're picking up on them and you're giving signs she's picking up on them and you guys go and you find a nice beautiful quiet spot in the flowers and you have sex like you've never had before in your life and then she tells you afterward her name harrah you're like harrah harrah wait a second and then a bolt of lightning strikes nearby and zeus appears and is like did you just my wife because the things i can do to you will make sisyphus feel like he's on vacation and you spend the rest of eternity paying for that sex and all the worst ways of torture you can imagine your mom i call that tuesday observe the north american dad fifties great polo collection he enters his vehicle information on carvana an offer appears in minutes remarkable he squints reads it again smiles and says dang that's a good offer the highest form of approval no haggling no hassle no one called him boss he's still on the couch astonishing sell your car today on carvana.com pickup fees may apply - For eternity. yeah fuck your mom i called it well i don't know how i thought we were done a long time ago all right i must say that's uh that's still yeah that's still you could walk away and be like maybe worth it because you made it sound really good in the beginning there and if you'd go into more detail of what zeus and there's the whole thing where sisyphus he might be happy you know question jury's still out oh but you won't be the zeus will make sure you're not anyway i'm gonna go with uh bob on that round which means that he's he's one that was one mom fuck i'm talking about doing it for every day for the rest of your life and life is eternity oh is that the punishment he did throw that out there yeah every tuesday i thought you were saying that to be like huh fucking your mom that's what i do every tuesday compared to the punishment that zeus is gonna no no that was one of the that was one of the days of the week i think that was one of the punishments yeah i think i'm saying you're not doing the same thing you're not just pushing a rock up a hill he's making you do all kinds of shit for eternity okay well it still stands that bob's made it sound really bad you know the description was worse but that's fine you can you want some variety in your life just to see if your body can take it i get it yes you know this is just not making it sound bad man i guess anyway i'm gonna give it to bob um he the sex bitch all right okay we're closing it up it's been a tighter race than you think because wade don't be so dismissed because bob had me laughing real hard a few times but you had me laughing hard consistently in pretty much all of those so here's the points as i stand wait office intro microphone you had cheeseburger the truest laugh did you win donut no it just says donut oh donut armageddon doesn't tussle my hair made me laugh really hard dick in wrong hole ruined fuck your mom i call that tuesday uh so that's the total one two three four five six seven eight points bob is agentic you are agentic you got a lisp point that i laughed at really hard fair give you a point for winning the coin toss we have to get you voice lessons to be torbek ideally from torbek you won the donut round hiroshima made me laugh really hard which you know now that i say that out loud uh sunny day you won that dissociative sex thing very funny vagina dentata and then you won the sex round so the sex one had a lot of a lot of good last one two three four five six seven eight nine so it's close race still could be anybody's i have a document up and the only thing written on this document at this point is std which yeah i can't believe neither of you touched on the std front of things i feel like we just leapfrogged right past it yeah that's okay i have i have google up and the last thing i googled tried to find the link to the link to the link to the link to the link to to get my next retort ready was Hitler Mom Name. So, I had plans, but, uh. Oh, man, I Frenched Mark. This went places, man. This went places. Alright, how many bonus spins will there be? One. Oh, only one. Oh, God, if it ties again and I get another one-man show, I'll fucking cure him. Mark gets the one-man show immediately again. Alright, it could happen, it could happen. Only 30-letter words, Bob. We gotta find 30-letter words. Alright, what are we adding to this one? Uh, who had sex most recently? Ooh. Unless you guys don't want to share that. We're all married here. Does that make that better or worse to share that? Got him. Got marriage. I'm gonna text Molly. Molly, we gotta go have sex. So I can win next week. Every day. Guys, can we take a 30-second, 30-second break for no reason before we spin? The most important spin of your life today. Come on. Free parking. Okay, so we add a point to free parking, and then there's a separate entry for getting free parking, right? Is that. Well, that means the final score just stands, right? Oh, right. Because I counted. That was a spin. Oh, that's true. That's true. I guess we do do that. Wow. What a useless spin. Great for Bob. Great for Mark. I'm the loser from this. I'm sorry, Wade. That was really anticlimactic. I thought that maybe there would be like a, oh, another tie. Man. You had some really funny ones. It's okay. Better to be anticlimactic than antichristactic. Yeah, you really go to the same places sometimes, huh? Eventually you get to the gods. And even Zeus. Yeah, yeah. Still. The gods. But congratulations, Bob. Not to be so all poor, but I just feel bad because Wade has not won in a while. It has been a while. Long time. Alright, we got hold on now. It's been a long time. Long time. Bob, win your speech. That went really great. I think that was all around very successful. I have mixed feelings about what all I ended up actually saying, but you do what you have to do to win. That's how important this show is. That's how life goes. That's why I'm a winner. It's like, do what I gotta do. Thank you. That feels appropriate. Uh, Wade, lose your speech. I've been sitting here thinking about how I could have made the last one sound even worse. And I was like, well, what if while lying there in bed Hera rolls over and Zeus crawls out from inside her and drags you into the teethy chomps of vagina mess where razor blades and the flavor of Kool-Aid you don't really care for is all that's served and then like the meat's cold. It's just a really awful experience in there. Purple Kool-Aid? Oh, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I like the color. It's just gross. It's just not a good flavor of Kool-Aid. Alas, I didn't get to all the descriptors. I did the best I could. I thought we had a good back and forth. I conceded a couple times where maybe I should have gone further. So, I live a life of regret and failure. As all losers should. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Well, at least you recognize that, Wade, and you can correct your mistakes next time. If there is a next time, only one way to find out, subscribe or follow this podcast to know. We don't know when we're gonna quit, but it'll be a shocking surprise. Better stay tuned to see when it is. Then you will cry. I always cry after. I cries all the time. Starting a business can seem like a daunting task, unless you have a partner like Shopify. Traditional home security only alerts you after a break-in, and that's too late. SimpliSafe is changing that. Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way. We don't just alert. We help stop crime before it starts. SimpliSafe. Ahead of crime in real time. Visit SimpliSafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information.