246: Thankful It's Not Me?

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Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions like ALS, myasthenia gravis, or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications like botulinum toxins, which may increase the risk of serious side effects. Make a plan and ask your doctor about Botox. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Season is changing. Time to clean out that closet and maybe make some extra money in the process. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell your clothes you no longer wear and get more value out of your wardrobe. It's super simple to use and with no selling fees, so you keep what you earn. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start listing with no seller fees. How we sounding? I never really knew that you could dance like this. You make a man want to speak Spanish. Como se llama? Si, bonita. Si, Picasso, Shakira, Shakira. I love her. Did it work? I mean, it sounds beautiful to me. Cool, cool, cool. There we go. Locking in. Speaking of Shakira, did you see Zootopia 2 is out? I've heard rumblings of it and you know it's competing with Wicked for Good. Are those the two? The two blockbusters? I think so. Well, and then Marty Supreme is coming out as well. Why do I not know what that is? It's the Timothee Chalamet ping pong movie. It's coming out on Christmas. Ping pong? Yeah, he plays like, well, he plays Marty Supreme. I'm doing paddle motions. I don't like, never mind. It is hard sometimes to remind myself that not everyone is watching the video version of this. You should be. We got video on Spotify now. Like, you should be. Wow, I can't believe you haven't heard about Marty Supreme on Christmas Day. No. Are you going on Christmas Day? Is that your plan? No, probably not. Probably not. I think I'm going to a football game on Christmas Day. That sounds like actually a really fun, that feels Christmassy to me. My good old Minnesota Vikings. How are they doing? Yeah, not good. That's hard. Not good. Yeah. You know, I'm just chalking this up as a building year and let the Packers and the Bears have a good year. And the Lions and yay, go Lions. I actually, I would love to see the Lions win a Super Bowl. I think it's overdue and would be well-deserved. That's a beautiful sentiment for the people out there who are Lions fans. Yeah. Morgan thinks you deserve it. Anyone but the Chiefs. That's how I really feel. They've just had too many. It feels too scripted at this point. Speaking of like football conspiracies. Okay. This is like deep football conspiracy, but did you see the Browns game the other day where they were like 29 yards out and they decided to punt it? No, I've been like, I've been missing. I went, I've been busy these weekends. So there was a huge bet in Vegas, like that the over, like the over under and what it would be. And so if they would have gone for the field goal and made it like Vegas would have lost millions. I've been seeing, I've been seeing this on the internet. People saying like, they're only doing this because of Vegas. And I don't know. Yeah. I need, I don't sound crazy to me. It doesn't sound too conspiratorial. No, I want to say you don't take me out Vegas. Like now I got to have like a little look over my shoulder, but that's a very niche, like sports conspiracy. And I'd be very curious if anyone else, what your thoughts are on it. But today's stories, I'm really excited to get into, I kind of just have a theme of chaos, like no real theme overall, but you like shared a meme or something with me. And I'm like, I'm going to do a little bit of a meme. And I'm going to do a meme. And you're like, what was it? It was like, when it was like, thankful. It's not me. Oh yeah. Thankful. Like parentheses that this isn't me that. Yeah. So like, that's kind of what I'm going for today. Like thankful. It's not me. Yeah. So just like no real theme, just overall tis the season. Yeah. We're getting a little bit of mix of things. I'm putting together a full holiday kind of episode. So that'll be your nice coal or toys, coal or bust. Yeah. So that'll be a vibe later in December, but this is, you know, kind of kicking us off. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. It's Thanksgiving this week for us. Cause we're recording this probably well in advance. Um, and so Thanksgiving just kind of has brought out some crazy, but overall the holidays, the holidays, people are on their worst behavior. Uh, genuinely. I was talking to, um, one of my team members at Spotify last week, Megan, she's like, okay, like everything's in retrograde and we're, something's in retrograde. She's like my little astrology guru. Like she's on it. And she's like, and then this is doing this. And then like, it'll be a cleanse. And I'm like, get me to the cleanse. I don't understand. I feel like there's always a retro. I feel like, is it true that every other month or so there's a retrograde of some sort? We're going to have to phone a friend named Megan. Okay. Yeah. Or some astrology. But like, if I'm a Pisces, Gemini, Sag, maybe. I forgot. I forgot the last one, but I'm definitely Pisces, Maine, and then Gemini is my rising. Like, tell me what I should expect for the rest of December and going into the new year. I need a good reading. It's going to be positive things. Okay. Are you ready for these ones? Yes. Okay. Let's dive in. Okay. This first one, it is coming from Am I the Asshole? Two Days Old titled, Am I the Asshole for Keeping a Family Cookbook That Was Previously Thrown Away? More than 10 years ago, my sister-in-law's mother-in-law passed away. The family cleaned out her house, took what they wanted, and then decided to toss the rest. Before it was tossed, my sister-in-law said to see if there was anything I wanted. All I could find was an old cookbook, which was in plain sight on the kitchen table. Fast forward to this year when I posted a photo of my island with cookbooks all over it. I was looking for a certain recipe. My brother-in-law saw the photo and his mother's cookbook and then demanded its return. I refused. The whole family is in an uproar. Half are on my side, half are on his. I've had to block quite a few of them from being able to contact me as they were getting really rude. Am I the Asshole for Not Returning It? If I hadn't taken it, it was going to be thrown away. So this is. His wife's mother's? Whoever is writing in, OP, it's sister-in-law's mother-in-law. My brother-in-law saw it, so I feel like it's OP's husband's brother or sister. Okay. So like there's a decent removal there. Right. Okay. And they were going through, they were going to get rid of everything, pick what you can. They're not an asshole for taking it. I don't think so. I mean, if they are fairly removed. If they are fairly removed, I feel like it'd be different if this person had come to them and be like, oh my God, can't believe we missed this. It would actually mean a lot for us to have this. Is there any way we could? Because, you know, if that is this person's like actual child, then I would see why maybe they should have it more than this ambiguous relative to us. Yeah, because it is an heirloom. I look at cookbooks like heirlooms, like baking is really, really important to me and my grandma. It's like our tradition around the holidays. So like, understand wanting this recipe book, like that is an heirloom. But at the same time, you were going to throw it away. Yeah. And it's the energy that you came in with. It's like, I didn't do anything wrong by grabbing this thing that anyone's going to throw away. If you like genuinely missed it and didn't see it, that's fine. We can have a conversation about it. Like family recipes are really important. That's like a huge thing. But why are you, why are you yelling at me when you're asking me for a favor, actually? Yeah. Like you're coming out guns blazing. Like now I don't want to give it to you. A little rude. Yeah, no. It could have been more of a conversation too. Like, oh my God, I don't know how that got into the pile. Thank you for keeping it safe all these years. Could we at least make a photocopy of it? Right. Like we'll take it to OfficeMax. You can come with. Let's photocopy it so we can, you know, still have that. That's honestly like, that's one of the first things that I would want to grab. If my, I don't even want to say it. No, it's it. I'm really bad with that. No. So I completely agree. Yeah. First thing in a box. Yeah. If I was going to write like one question OP though. Mm-hmm. I would say info was the other piles of trash on the table, too, because Opie does say before it got tossed, they want to check to see if I wanted anything. Right. And then everything else was in trash piles. Oh, this is an interesting catch because I'm like, wait, maybe they put. Yeah, because Opie isn't mentioning, but maybe they did put that aside and just like didn't think someone would take it. And then they were like, oh, wait, where did the where did the recipe book go? That's what I'm like. What was the distinguishing thing? Like, was everything truly in one spot? Was there multiple stuff spread out and there were other items on the table? Or was it like, hey, yeah, check and see if there's anything you want. Like the rest we're getting rid of. And that was just solely sitting on the table. Like someone had already said it. But hadn't plucked it yet. That's the thing. I could easily see that happening with clearing out like a parent's house. People have to put their own stuff down to the side. You find something like where is a safe place that you can put something where, you know, someone won't take it before you leave. I'm interested. This is why I wish I could. I wish I could talk to both parties. I know, because then if it was like at that time and you were the one that set your mom, whatever, whoever it was to you. If you set their cookbook on the table and you're like, OK. OK, I'm going to get that. I've set it aside for myself. I'm going to keep rummaging through things. Yeah. But I'm going to set it there. I wonder if afterwards they like reached out to the family and was like, did anyone see mom's cookbook? Right. Does anyone have mom's cookbook? Because I understand like intent like 10 years ago addressing this and being like, oh, no, no, no. I wanted to keep that. Like, can I have that back? But now you've gone 10 years without really noticing. Or was this like a tragic thing where she was like, I set it aside. Yeah. Yeah. And then like, you know what I mean? Totally. Like thinking that it somehow got mixed up in the trash pile. Yeah. I feel like Opie did. I don't think Opie did anything wrong on purpose. But I in this situation, if I were sort of a distant, distantly connected relative of the deceased and I found like the family cookbook, I would probably be like, hey, just making sure that this is something none of you guys want. Because clearly they did. Because I don't think this is a situation where it's like they intended it to be trash. And now all of a sudden they care. No, I think it like accidentally. I think it's a mix up. Yeah. Regardless, I don't think you're the asshole like you've had it for 10 years. I think at this point it is yours, like even though it is an heirloom and they've got sentimental value to it. But I would 100 percent say you would be the asshole if you don't at least make them a copy. Yeah, that you should do that bare minimum. Yeah, because I don't know, I guess, how close Opie also was to the deceased. It's like I feel like they could have the copy of it. And then the direct children could have the original. Because if you just want it for the recipes, like you don't need the sentimental aspect of it. True. But I don't know. I know. Top comment on this one, quote, look and keep what you want. Ten years later. No, not that. Not the asshole. They're being ridiculous. You could offer to maybe let them copy the book or give them recipes if they want. But you're not obligated to give a book away that they specifically didn't want and let you keep for 10 years. But again, I like I don't think they knew that she had it or they had it. But yeah, I mean, it's possible people can be crazy. But I think the issue is that they were coming at this person with such anger. And that and that's what someone picks up on, too, because someone replies to the top comment and they go, you're responding as if the person who said the first thing, take what you want, is the same person who said the second thing. Please give it back. Maybe it was overlooked. Maybe he wasn't given the opportunity to get it and thought it was just lost to the situation. It does seem like the brother-in-law is making this out to be a bigger thing than he should and really should have gone for calm negotiation instead of whatever this is, though. And then someone responds and goes, we don't know that brother-in-law is being unreasonable. Quote, demanded it back makes one think of someone storming over angrily shouting. But it could just as easily have been a message saying, quote, that looks like my mom's cookbook. I thought it was lost forever. I was supposed to have it. When's a good time for me to pick it up? Not sure I trust the phrasing of the kind of person who thinks it's reasonable to start a family feud to keep a dead woman's cookbook away from her son. Damn. I think I fall in line more with that comment than the first, like, top comment. I think so. Because, again, like, with these stories, we get OP's perspective and it's always going to be sprinkled with a little bit of, like. Bias. Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure most of them tell to the best of their ability, but it's like. Still subjective. Again, saying demanded or, like, whatever. Asked. Yeah. Yeah. There's a chance that that's not exactly how it went. Yeah. That's a really good point because demanded, like, the word you choose totally changes the meaning, the context, the implication. If he had just said he asked for it back, we would. There wouldn't even be a question. No, we'd be like, oh, my God. Yeah. Like, he really wants it. It's his mom's. Yes. I can't imagine, like, even if it's been yours for 10 years and, like, someone told you take whatever, if, yeah, a dead woman's son was like, I would really love my mother's cookbook back. Ooh, okay. Like, there's no way you can keep it from them. And be the person in the right. No. And that's where I'm like, I guess you made a really good point where you're like, make a copy of it. Yeah. Like, it doesn't have the sentimental value to you, so if you want it for the recipes, you make the copy and you keep it. Yeah. Because it's not the physical thing that you're attached to. Mm-hmm. Like, it is his mom's. It's her handwriting. Oh, my gosh. The most, like, prized possession I have is my mom, like, got me this pie plate and it has her chocolate pie recipe in her handwriting etched into it. It's, like, holy shit, that's so cool. It's so sweet. It's, like, my best gift that I've ever gotten. That's such a thoughtful gift. Yeah. It is, like, gift season right now and that would be such an easy DIY to do. I think, yeah. I think it was Etsy or something like that, but. Yeah. Totally. That would, like, anyone could do that, too, for a loved one. Like, I'm like, okay, wait, I want to do that for my grandma or something or, well, I want my grandma to do it for me. Yeah. But. No, having it in their handwriting, yeah. That's so, so beautiful. So, yeah, okay. I don't think, given all this. I don't think any assholes here, like, no assholes here, I think would be my final, final vote after all the chatting. I think that's fair. I think this is, like, a mix-up. I think it's both parties are confused. I think when someone passes and things are being given out, like, there are so many moving parts and so many different people involved. I think, yeah, make a copy. Give the original back to the son. Keep it for yourself. I'm curious to see what OPI. It actually does, though. I know. There's no comments from OPI, no updates. It's only two days old at this point. Does look like a real account as far as it goes right now. Like, has commented on other subreddits, like, am I overreacting? It's a year old account and there's nothing inappropriate on it right now. So, leads me to believe it's genuine. So, hopefully, we'll get an update. But I think that would be the plan because you also have to consider when they were cleaning out this house. Was it right after his mom passed? Right. And, like, who said? Oh, yeah, like, sorry I wasn't the sharpest I've ever been in my life that week, you know? Yeah. Well, and I, okay, so it is the brother-in-law's mother's cookbook. Here's where I get confused. So, my brother-in-law saw the photo of his mother's cookbook. Maybe they're siblings. Maybe because sister-in-law was the one that said, if you see anything, if you see anything that you want, take it. But then brother-in-law, who, it's his mom, said, I want the cookbook back. But it's also my sister-in-law's mother-in-law. Why is, like, this family tree really messing me up right now? Right, so is OP married also to a child of the deceased? Is that how that would work? I don't know because it says my sister-in-law's mother-in-law. Because the spouse isn't being mentioned at all. You'd think that that would be mentioned if it's, like, my spouse's mother-in-law. My spouse really wants this as well. I know. Because if it was also your mother-in-law, but I still think her son in the hierarchy, like, it's your mother-in-law, this is his mom's cookbook. I still think he's more up in the hierarchy of things. But my sister-in-law's mother-in-law. And then my brother-in-law, and it's his mother's cookbook. Can someone please draw me a picture? Wait, if it's the brother-in-law's mother, is he married? Then that means that. But sister-in-law's mother-in-law. Is it, like, a stepmom to your partner? We need someone with a PhD. People are going to be like, these girls are really dumb. No, I swear to God, if I had, like, paper. I'm having a day, okay? If I had paper and a pen, I think I could figure this out. But I mean, my. We're going to come back to this. We're going to move on to the next story. And then at the very end, we're going to get a piece of paper and we're going to try to write this out. and like maybe insert a photo of it no because honestly like when you were reading this story like I kept in my head going back I'm like so who but who is who to whom yeah my sister-in-law's mother-in-law so it's your partner's sister okay and then that sister is married to this guy and it was his mom there we go oh my gosh there we go I could have never gotten there in my wildest dreams it hurt are the comments confused about that at all like are we the only ones not like no one's mentioning it so far someone does say agreed I would return the original and buy myself a replacement copy or photocopy it if a replacement purchase isn't possible it's the kind thing to do I really couldn't imagine keeping something of my deceased mother-in-law's if one of her actual children was a mother-in-law requested it back and they go edit Jesus this isn't even OP's mother-in-law it's apparently her husband's sister's husband's mother right OP has no tie or relationship to this woman at all give the damn book back OP I can't believe this is even a question for you that's what I initially thought is that OP was like pretty fairly removed in this family tree but then as we kept going I started to question myself and wonder am I reading this wrong no I I think now we're on it yeah and someone responds to that comment and goes I would return the cookbook several months after my dad died my mom did a big clean out out of the house before listing it to sell she was tossing so many of my dad's things including photo albums from his childhood she was still grieving in such a zombie-like way and just tossing everything in sight without really seeing or noticing what she was actually tossing I went through the pile and pulled the photo albums and other items I felt were important shouldn't even realize she tossed those things chances are no one realized this cookbook was in the toss pile make a copy and return the original absolutely I oh my god I feel like have a little bit more empathy for like that period of time yeah also when a family member passes or when someone passes like it puts you on such an immediate timeline to like do the funeral to get and if and if children are inheriting a house like if they can't pay the mortgage for instance they have to sell it really fast and like all of this stuff is really hard to do quickly even if you're not grieving and then so true when you are grieving like one of the most important people in your life like you can't hold that against them no no and it also like I don't know like I would have maybe cleared it with your sister-in-law's husband aka your brother-in-law first because like maybe it wasn't even your sister-in-law's place to be like yeah take anything you want true it's not her mom it's her mother-in-law true so I don't know like maybe she was trying to be helpful her husband was dealing with a lot you know the loss of his mom but this is clearly important and important enough where you post a picture of your kitchen island with a bunch of different cookbooks on it and he's able to look at it and be like that's my mom's right that's so true after 10 years of that clicks in his head yeah amongst a bunch of cookbooks just seeing it and like immediately give it back yeah no assholes here but you would be the asshole if you don't give it if you don't give it back and like make a copy and just like best of both worlds like come on you can get like a beautiful new book made of like you can send in things like that and get you can send in like old like photo albums and get beautiful like digital ones made or like like you can I don't know no you could literally have this like photocopied but then like bound in a new book like it doesn't have to be a binder with like photocopied pages slipped in or like you know three hole punched and you have the little tacks that you fold over like this could be a really nice book for you still and last thing I'll say also like OP never mentions she was really important to me too or like I understand that this was this person's parent but like I also really cared about like there's I just feel like if there were a little bit more emotion here of like kind of making me understand more why there might be a sentimental reason for them to really want to keep the cookbook maybe that would change my opinion a little bit but it's like it's not even saying that no no mention of any attachment yeah like you described it as my sister-in-law's mother-in-law so it really makes me feel like you didn't really know her yeah give it back but curious what you all think uh moving along yeah that was interesting because I feel like my opinion changed the more and more I thought about it I know because it was like wait a minute unreliable narrator maybe here maybe I love that unreliable narrator okay this next one is coming from our very own two I'll take subreddit nine hours old titled my boyfriend calls it radical honesty but it feels like public humiliation oh I already know I hate him oh I don't I 26 female have been with my boyfriend 27 male for a year and a half and I'm and some change when we started dating he told me his friend group is brutally honest and I thought that just meant they roast each other a lot nope apparently they have this rule where if someone complains about their partner that partner is fair game for group feedback okay I did not fully understand what that meant until last weekend we were at a hangout and his friend casually said quote so did you ever fix that thing where you cry every time a plan changes everyone laughed and then started listing stuff they think I should work on like quote you apologize too much it's kind of manipulative you act shy but actually you like control you talk about your job too much it's boring for the rest of us all delivered like they're doing me a favor my boyfriend just sat there nodding and occasionally adding examples I felt like I was in some live yelp review of my personality when I got upset later he said I was being dramatic and that I should be grateful they quote care enough to be real with me is this actually some healthy communication thing that my thin skin can't handle or is this just a circle of people who enjoy tearing others apart and slapping a self-help label on it no I this this went exactly how I thought it was gonna go because there is just this obnoxious type of person who thinks like honesty is an excuse to be horrible to people honesty in itself is not this like moral all good thing to do like especially when it's you don't know this person you don't know like what has caused them to have these issues in their past like a therapist might be able to help them with this but you just making fun of them for it isn't gonna help them with this like what's the end goal here I don't know I don't know this is just sounds like such a toxic friend group yeah because there's there's one thing too like I feel like what they said aren't really things that like can be addressed or they're things that like maybe step in the right stem from something else like trauma or PTSD like we don't know yeah but like you apologize too much it's kind of manipulative well I don't know maybe I just want to make sure no one's mad at me because whatever you cry every time a plan changes maybe they're on the spectrum and that is really jarring for them when things that have been set in stone are then changed like not everyone can be fluid like that I don't know yeah it's certainly not on purpose it's I'd love to not cry I'd love to not be stressed out if things change I'd love to be more adaptable but like maybe for her she can't yeah no I don't like this I think that this is also just an indicator of again a lifetime of being gaslit by not only your partner but also all of their friends and like they will try to hammer into you more and more that the way that they act is actually good and you're not going to be able to do it again and you're not going to be able to do it again and you're not going to be able to do it again and you're not going to be able to do it again or the one with the problem this is just what making fun of someone in elementary school or bullying is like the things that you might bully a kid for when they're five years old or whatever it might be true maybe like oh you have glasses or like what like but that doesn't mean it's like not mean or like not something to make fun of someone for well it's also it's not like none of these are something to make fun of anyone for and like I at this point like they're 26 27 probably late 20s like you're beyond bullying people and having that rudimentary elementary your glasses are big like jokes like you're beyond that you're too old for that and I think one of these here that like really pisses me off too it's like you talk about your job too much it's boring for the rest of us maybe you guys are all fucking boring and so she feels the need to talk about work to like maintain a conversation because no one else can carry a conversation yeah this is all just if they were like there she loves her job maybe she fucking loves it and she is happy and like in her dream career and is excited yeah have they ever considered that's actually a them problem I don't think so god like maybe you'd just don't care about her and so anything she talks about is boring to you yeah and anything that makes her excited is just like annoying I think it'd be one thing if the friends were like coming to her about an actual bad thing she was doing in their relationship and they were like hey we've noticed that our friend has been you know acting differently lately you know if someone was like treating their partner badly and the friends came in and tried to intervene about that sure but yeah I don't think that this is their business and they don't seem to know her well enough to be like like she didn't ask for this no I've I've asked sometimes my friends to tell me what I do that's annoying because I'm like I'm prepared to receive this information you're brave and then and then they'll tell me and it hurts a bit damn and I've had that happen but like most for the most part I don't know anyone else who likes to get that back unless they're like talking to a therapist I think therapy because that's kind of a safe place where that should happen yeah but no I feel like there are some people that can handle stuff like this I think like criticism in regards to like your work is different than like personal attacks on you yeah and these were all very personal attacks they're like very demeaning of her character like calling someone manipulative like that doesn't feel good where it's like you apologize too much that's manipulative well so do most women like this is sort of just like a learned behavior it's kind of hammered in yeah well also like I think it is yeah yeah it is very hammered in I'm like the things I apologize for someone will bump into me and I'm like sorry all the time a lot of it is like midwest Minnesota nice too where it's like oh sorry like yeah it's like you just spit it out even things like I know I'm not wrong to ask for or like I had a team call the other day with like a group that I'm doing a project with and one of the ideas that a creative agency um person involved brought forward like I didn't really resonate with they're like let us know you know all of these are flexible if you don't love any that's cool just like let us know and I'm like keep it in keep it in it's fine just it's not yours like keep it in I'm like yeah I don't like that one I'm like I'm so sorry I'm like I'm so sorry but it's like that wasn't even a thing I needed to apologize for they're asking you for that in that situation I know it's like why do we do that yeah like why and so I understand being a people pleaser and apologizing and that's okay yeah I also if this were me I would go home that night and to my partner I'd be like do you actually like me like this yeah makes me feel like there are so many things about me that you don't like and you know some of that you know maybe crying every time plans change is something that I would benefit from talking to a therapist about and working on or blah blah blah but most of these things are like actually just innate personality things that aren't even due to trauma or whatever else they're just how I like talking about work because I like my job or yeah you know whatever else it is apologizing that's just how I am and if you don't like that you shouldn't be with me and like I said when I'm asking my friends about things that I don't like I'm like I'm like I'm annoying about me there are things that they could say where it would be like oh well that is just the way that I am and if you don't like that or like you can't get past that then we're probably just not meant to be friends yeah but I don't know I would just I would just not think that this person actually appreciates me and likes me no because if they're saying this to your face yeah what is getting said behind your back and so happy when his friends are like going out after her and this all started because apparently this friend group has a rule where if someone complains about their partner that partner is fair game for group feedback so if I'm understanding their rules correctly he's gone to the group and complained about her yeah which that's fine like you can vent to your friends about your boyfriend and partner but it's it's not open season then on your partner right because the the partner isn't the one who did anything they're not asking for this just because he complained about her it's like oh now we get to talk to her however we want nope it's like aren't you forgetting to ask one person like nope yeah assholes diabolical yeah asshole and I would do what the top comment says which is this give him some radical honest feedback he is a shit partner and he is single yay break up let's do it break up you're probably you're probably listening to what takes up right right to what takes up please find someone who likes those things about you like oh my god there are people who will think it's endearing there are people who will think like that you're just a really thoughtful person that you really enjoy your job there are people who will see that as a positive so it's actually not just honesty it's your interpretation it's your subjective interpretation of her actions I know and like you just look at all of the feedback they gave her I mean getting told you're manipulative controlling your cry baby you're also boring it's just like uh it's just so toxic they called her boring oh yeah I mean I'm reading between the lines here I'm inferring some things but there is a comment here that says I grew up in a toxic family with three bully brothers it was a game called make her cry and your boyfriend group calls it brutal honesty yeah if you want to see all hell break loose try brutal honesty on them because 100% those who dish it out can't take it no it's interesting that the rule is it becomes open season on everyone's partners but it's not about any of the people in this friend group who get to have open season on them well and when you're so taken aback in the moment my brain never would have been able to come up with anything to fire back yeah and you also shouldn't have to be on the defensive and firing back at these people like they're not the one dating you you don't have a boyfriend's friends so if you don't like me that's okay but my partner should like me my partner should have my back and so if he doesn't especially in front of other people you don't have a partner I think that's some of the best advice I've seen going around online right now is like always a united front in public and then like you can deal with that shit when you get home like if you disagree you get home and you talk about it there and that's for relationships that's for parents and their kids yeah and then you can deal with that shit when you get home like if you if your kid gets in trouble at school you go in and you have their back and you defend them yeah but then when you get your kid home you're like hey that wasn't cool like totally I mean everything there's like a chance I mean unless the child is being terrible like yeah there there's like a chance that there are times that she's apologized and it has been manipulative that is like a thing that people can do but again yes when you get home you can say to be honest there was one conversation we had and this is the feeling I got from it but like this is an open discussion and we can talk about what your actual intentions behind that were and if you really just were feeling bad or trying to like get the peace early but yeah in public in front of everybody and like he's the one causing it so obviously he's not going to be the one defending her no okay I really hope we get an update on that one there's nothing to tell you guys about right now no nine hours old no comments no updates so if you're out there op let us know please leave him please pretty please all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth and for you to break up oh my god okay moving on to this next one okay number three here coming from r slash am I overreacting nine days old titled am I overreacting by being hurt when my husband looked at me with disgust when he was coming out of anesthesia oh my god I know yesterday my husband had a minor outpatient surgery it wasn't anything life-threatening or super serious anyways before his surgery we joked about seeing videos of husbands coming out of surgery and being so doe-eyed and loving when they see their wives he wanted me to record him and his reaction when he woke up as he woke up I got my phone out and started recording he looked at me and he couldn't remember me at first he asked who I was and when I replied that I'm his wife his lip curled and he had a look of utter disgust on his face he even said oh I stopped recording and just sat in silence while he went in and out for a while I got him home and comfortable then I locked myself in the bathroom and cried is that what he really is he disgusted with me is he showing his true feelings now I'm questioning our whole relationship did he settle for me I am so hurt at this thought he asked to see the video today and I lied and said I forgot to record it oh my god so he doesn't even know that he did that I think you show him the video I I keep like wanting to say he was under anesthesia that wasn't him like that But I also, it would be so impossible in this situation to not have feelings about that happening yeah like you can rationalize obviously that like he was not in his right mind but that is so hurtful I think she has to show him and like have an actual conversation about it yeah because I people do and say crazy things coming out of anesthesia like I as someone that like had it recently like I don't really remember much and I was rapping happy feet like penguin songs like I was so out of it but that was still true to your heart I believe yeah so in that you're you would kind of wonder to be like is this his subconscious coming out like I don't think you need to reconsider your whole relationship like but I can understand why you would be really deeply hurt by it like your feelings are so valid I always think honesty in these situations is kind of the best way forward and just be like hey I did record it you however I stopped recording because of how it went and now I'm just kind of worried that maybe you just don't think of me the way I thought you did so I'm gonna show you the video and then like can we talk about it after yeah and show him the video and like see what he says absolutely I mean this is sort of a nightmare scenario like imagine your partner gets amnesia oh and they wake up and they don't recognize you and they're like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and they're like oh I'm married to you I would dude oh my god what would you do there's so many movies on this too yeah because even if that Channing Tatum one yeah even if someone doesn't recognize you they would still be like oh but that's a beautiful woman I don't like I don't know you I don't remember you but like that's the hope like I'm married to you oh god yay right scary scary which of course like there is unlocked there is still a world in which he was just so out of it and like maybe couldn't even really see and like maybe was just having some kind of dream about being single or I don't know and you never know and it wasn't even about you it was just like oh I'm not actually a bird who can fly through the sky I'm a man a normal man who's married I don't know it's tough it could really be nothing but it would be very hard to get over this and it would be almost impossible to get over this if you don't have a conversation about it because the only person who can make you feel better is him and like having a conversation with him about it I agree I wonder if anyone though is going to be on the opposite side of it where it's like he clearly doesn't mean that he was coming out of anesthesia he loves you how about all of his other actions over the years like you guys are married right so he clearly loves you I wouldn't even bother like don't even I wouldn't even bother him that it's only gonna make him feel bad and you know just move forward knowing that he was fucked up from the anesthesia I feel like I could see someone feeling like that's the healthy advice and that's like the advice that I'd love to give but then the reality of it happening like once again I'm just like that would that would hurt if this were me in this situation and it happened with me and Justin I also know that like Justin would want to know so he could be like no I'm I was messed up like that was not me I'm really sorry like Justin would want to make the whatever between us like better yeah he would want to make sure that like I'm not hurt absolutely no fault of his own like that's not on him he got anesthesia and I think but there are some people who if they experience this maybe they wouldn't even question if that was a real thing because they're so confident in their relationship and because they feel so beautiful and they're so confident in their relationship and they're so beautiful with their part I mean there's a chance that there already was a dormant fear here or something like that because maybe some of the people giving this advice are imagining this scenario and being like oh that would never worry me yeah like I know my husband doesn't would never feel that way I know I mean you don't know how you're gonna react I saw a video of a girl the other day and her mom was in the room with her after anesthesia I think she must have got her wisdom teeth out or something or tonsils she got her tonsils out and she's just like the whole time like I'm so mad at you I don't like you I love you but I don't like you right now yeah her mom didn't do anything but she was just like she was pissed I mean I could handle that more that sounds sounds better than uh yeah you're my wife yeah uh top comment for every rainbows and unicorn video there are 150 moments like this anesthesia is absolutely wild and his wake-up response has nothing to do with how much he adores you okay good that's good to hear next comment to add to this a lot of people have adverse reactions to waking up from anesthesia I remember when I had my first surgery they explained to me that the process of waking up from anesthesia can be difficult for some people and they can have a semi-violent reaction generally it's just people being upset but it runs the gamut from happy and silly to angry and upset what I'm really getting at is the reaction is generally one out side of the patient's control op your husband coming out of anesthesia and looking at you like that almost certainly is just their brain reacting to the medication of sedation not you that's true there's like absolutely a chance or like maybe even more than likely chance that the reaction doesn't even directly to her it's just like to maybe the pain he's experiencing or the confusion or something like that it's not like looking at you and thinking ew gross I agree there's so many comments on this of people sharing their stories someone says I woke up from one procedure in love with my doctor I didn't want to leave without seeing him because I thought he was so beautiful and amazing this guy was 30 years my senior had a bad ponytail a dead tooth and no discernible personality long story short don't pay attention to tiktok trends anesthesia is nuts and cannot be used like a truth serum wow this is a very informative comment section they are on it yeah they're really on it they're really trying to like hey don't worry about it yeah someone also says the major feeling I had coming out of anesthesia was one of nausea I threw up several times you may have mistaken that look of feeling sick to one about you and that is true that's a very common side effect like coming out of anesthesia is like nausea vomiting crying like I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know like a lot of people just cry oh yeah I think when I got my wisdom teeth out I was crying about like wanting to get chick-fil-a or something like that yeah what did I want all I wanted was pot belly yeah which we had it was so good and it was ready for you oh my gosh there's only one response from op in all of this and I've got to do some digging to find it but all it said is capybara oh I'm expanding every comment you guys what could that possibly mean um I cannot find what capybara is in response to wow if anyone has a guess but I'm not finding it I've like expanded every comment I don't see op anywhere in this mix so I I do hope that this comment section was like reassuring for op I hope because again this is such a good point in the second comment section I hope that this comment section was like reassuring for op I hope this was a good comment I think it was about how tiktok isn't real life yeah I think the the reason that this hurt so much is because this was led by all of these videos of husbands looking so sweetly at their wives coming out of anesthesia yeah and then you're comparing to that so you're thinking like oh all of these men really really love their wives and this must mean my husband doesn't love me in the same way and and that's hard like oh comparison man it reminds me of like my husband doesn't love me in the same way and and that's hard like oh comparison man it reminds me of like a groom sobbing as the bride walks down the aisle or something and then it's like oh if everyone doesn't have the exact same reaction in every situation then that must mean like this love isn't as strong or like the attraction isn't as strong that's true a lot of people do judge based on stuff like that yeah like what other people do no that's a really good point don't judge don't compare comparison is the thief of joy don't do that but definitely definitely have a chat with him yeah I think that's a really good point I think that's a really good point I think that's a really and I think it'll get better yeah I think so too I think they could laugh about it I think maybe this is one of those situations where a few days go by and like obviously in the moment it was like oh my god that's not what I was expecting but a few days later you bring it up he's like oh I was thinking about I remember waking up and thinking about being in a dumpster truck or something like I don't know like you can laugh it off definitely can I mean I think that like this isn't divorce worthy no not divorce worthy I think that's a really good point I think that's a really good point I think that's a really good point I think that's a really good point I think that's a really good point you guys will work through this unless unless there is a like it unless there is a chance that actually he was waking up and disappointed that that was his wife but that might come out years later I don't know we're not we're not gonna cause her to spiral totally it's all good it's gonna be great it's gonna be so good it's all it's fine it's totally fine you're not overreacting your feelings are valid but chat with him don't hold it against him okay we're gonna get into some stories about presents okay you know I love a good present I just like gift giving is my love language but for a lot of people, I feel like giving gifts can be really hard, so we're going to get into this. Maybe we'll have some tips, tricks. Yeah, some of the people about to come up. Yes. This is coming from the Too Hot Takes subreddit, six days old, titled, My husband keeps buying cheap gifts and doesn't get why it hurts my feelings. How do I explain this to a man? My husband loves finding a good deal, but his deals aren't like an amazing deal on a good item. He finds cheap versions of the thing and thinks he's saving money. For example, when we were dating, he asked my friends what I would like for my birthday. My friend sent a link to nice paintbrushes that I would have liked. Think like a nice brush equals $20. Instead of buying one or two nice brushes, he ended up gifting me a craft store set of kids paintbrushes because more brushes equals better deal. As an artist, I couldn't use them for my art. I guess I did get to use them with my nieces, though. Another year, we went on holiday and I mentioned liking a beautiful piece of jewelry at an art market in passing and how I regretted not buying it. Again, it was like maybe $60 max. He saw the ring too. He got me a different piece off of Amazon for $15. I told him I liked flowers. He buys me really cheap wilted ones from Walmart. I tried to explain I don't like generic flowers. I like fun, unique flowers, and you can buy pretty affordable cool flowers at the farmer's market that are actually in season. He still gets Walmart flowers. I appreciate him giving me gifts, but it honestly kind of hurts my feelings that he goes cheap every time. We're married and I love him and in every other aspect, he's great. I honestly wish he would just save his money and let me buy my own gifts. This year for Christmas, I noticed an advent calendar was purchased under my Amazon account addressed to his name. I guess he used my account by accident. It was a $10 jewelry advent calendar. $10, dude. And to add salt to the wound, its original price was listed at $20 and he got it on sale for 24 pieces. $10. That's like kids jewelry that turns your skin green. I'm upset how cheap he went. And honestly, I'm more upset that he wasted $10. That could be a box of donuts. I would rather have donuts. And the jewelry are like butterflies, horseshoes, reindeer, which aren't my style. I'm hoping it's for our daughter, but we already mutually agreed on a book advent for her and I feel like he would tell me if he got her a second one. I'm not the type to care about the dollar amount, but I would appreciate it if he put more thought on the gift and not all of his brainpower on finding the best discount for himself. It feels almost selfish. Like it's not about what I'd like, but instead it's about the satisfaction for him in finding these crazy deals. So how do I bring this up? Do I ask him to return it? How do I let him down nicely? I've brought this concern up before and he says he understands, but he keeps doing it. Has anyone else experienced this with their partner? How do I get through to him? This kind of reminds me of how I was at age like 18, 19. And then I feel like there came a point in my life, like with clothes or something, like Forever 21 clothes. And then I was like getting trash basically. And it's just very wasteful actually to buy cheap stuff that you're never going to use and like isn't good quality. Like one or two really nice quality, like the brushes, like it's probably streaking off the little, the brush hairs when she's using it, if these are kids brushes. Yeah, no, you're not going to be able to get a smooth line or like if you're an actual artist, the kid brushes are a joke. A lot of times they're like plastic bristles, not actual like horse hair and like nice brushes. Yeah. And you're going to have to keep buying the same thing every year. If you just spent a little bit more money on less one year, you could have that for a long time. But if you're like a decade, it's just, it's such a, a childish way of looking at purchases. It's really weird. I just like, and I don't understand. I think across the board, I think a lot of people struggle with this when someone very clearly tells you what they want. Hey, this is what would make me feel good. Why do you feel the need to not listen to them? Yeah. Like Walmart flowers. Honestly, I think you could save money if you went to Trader Joe's and bought like three different kinds of cool looking flowers because Trader Joe's has really cool flowers a lot of times. And you put those together and made a little bouquet. That's going to be cheaper than the bouquet. Typically, granted, you could go to Walmart and find one on sale, discounted, ready to go out the door because it's almost dead and it's been there a while. But like, typically those bouquets are way cheaper than what you'd find in a grocery store. Why are you going against what she wants? And it's almost, it's harder. It's worse quality. Like, I wonder if there's any way she could explain this to him that would, like, if there's any parallels she could draw to something that he uses where it would make, like, hey, you know how if we got plastic forks for all of our meals and they might break and not work well, but if we get one nice metal fork, it could last us a very long time. The same thing is true of my paintbrushes and my jewelry. And she's not even like a $60 necklace that she thought was so lovely. It's like, yeah, that might be a splurge, but it's something that she could now have as like a key part of what she wears for years to come. And jewelry is like something that you do have a while. Like, it typically lasts for people. Yeah. I wonder if there's something he's into where, like, maybe he's a DeWalt tool guy, and a Ryobi, like, if he had to get a Ryobi, no chance. He wouldn't buy a Ryobi. He's a DeWalt guy or he's a Milwaukee household. Like, that's his jam. So maybe there's something like that where you could kind of flip it where it's like, hey, certain times you do splurge. Like, when you got that Milwaukee, like, drill set, that was really important to you because you recognize the quality behind that brand versus buying, you know, just the generic Lowe's brand. It also doesn't even. It doesn't even seem like it's just about it being cheaper. It seems like he's also thinking more equals better and all these, like, I'm going to get an advent calendar of cheap jewelry. I'm going to get a big box of children's paintbrushes. And it's like, that is not the case. Like, he. It's almost like it's like a scarcity mindset almost where it's like, it is cheap, but also he's getting a lot of it. So then it's like double whammy. It's like, oh my God, cheap. Yay. Also more. So you won't run out. Like, right. It's like a weird. It's like a weird, like, scarcity mindset in a way. I think she'd have to be like, hey, I have done the research on what I want, and you might find more, more similar items for less. That isn't because I overlooked it. Yeah. That's because it is not as good of a quality. It's not going to get the job done that I want. Can you put, you know, bad gasoline in a nice car? I shouldn't. You really shouldn't. It hurts. It hurts it. That's a good example, too. I don't know. I'm trying to think of things he might understand. That one would fit. I think this year I would make it kind of a test, too, where you're like, this is what I want for the holidays. Here's my list. You can get anything off this list, whatever you find meaningful and special to you. But like, these are items I would really want. Yeah. And if he cannot stick to it this year, like, I don't know, go just go buy yourself your gift after the fact. Like, just take it out of his hands. But at the same time, it's like, why don't you see me? Why don't you see me? Why aren't you respecting me? Why aren't you listening to me? And I saw this TikTok today. It was a girl that works at Ulta. And she's like telling this story about a customer that came in. And this guy comes in and he's like, hey, I need to get my wife mascara. What do you recommend? And she goes, oh, this essence brand or whatever it was. This is great. Another woman stops him and is like, no, you should get the Tarte mascara. It's way better. Anyways, the lady leaves. He goes, what should I really get? And she's like, well, what is your wife like? And he goes, oh, well, you know, I've gotten her this essence one before. And so the Ulta girl was like, we'll get her this one and then also do the Tarte mascara in the travel size so then she can try it and she'll have both. And then he's like, OK, can you help me? I'm going to get my wife some other makeup. And she's like, well, what is your wife wear? What does she want this year? And he goes, well, you know, she told me that she really, really, really, really only wants a Ulta gift card, but I'm not getting her a gift card. I'm going to get her all the makeup it's fine. I'll pick what she. No, no, no, no, no. Stop right there. Stop right there. You've been down this road with her. Right. Exactly. She wants the gift card because you've botched it before. Yeah. You just need to follow instructions and get her the gift card. And when you're a family, it's like the money that they spend is also your money. So it's like now our money is wasted on makeup that I don't want. If you can just give me the gift card I can get whatever I want, I don't have to feel bad about it, I'm getting the things I'm actually going to use. And he could also like he still doesn't know what to get her. He could go through her makeup drawer like he could find out like I have notes on all my friends of like, do they wear gold jewelry or silver jewelry? Like what do they get from different places? Like what's their shoes? I'm trying to like I try to remember like you have to remember things about people. And if you don't care enough about your wife to like, yeah, to know those things. But I don't know. Did the did the lady tell him to to just get the gift card? She said that she really tried to convince him to get the gift card, but he refused. And that happens so much, which is like, just please stick to the list. And it's like, I know a lot of people have problems with buying gift cards. Yeah, I love a gift card. Love it. But if you feel the need like that, you can't get a gift card, then I don't know, like maybe get a gift card and a little something like a candle and the gift card. Like if you feel the need to physically gift me something that's not just a gift card, there's other meaningful ways you can do it. And I think you can also go very affordable. Like something I'm doing for people this year is I'm going to make everyone little stockings instead of like doing a bunch of like big gifts because like this year's just been crazy. So I'm doing like little stockings and I'm getting like each person a little gift card that they can go pick out something for themselves. Like my brother's going to get Best Buy because he's video games and whatever. His wife, I'll get her like a spa gift card. And then just like little things like a vintage deck of cards, a vintage matchbook, just stuff you can find on Etsy and eBay that are really cute and thoughtful and also not junk because people don't love junk. Yes. Like the fuck? 24 jewelry pieces for $10. Nope. Now she just has to like either throw that away or like find the bottom of a drawer to clutter with stuff. She's not going to use that. It's it is it does suck when someone just asked for a gift card. But I think, you know, I've done this with my mom, like before the holidays, we'll go to the mall together and like I'll be like that and that and that. And then she'll like secretly go buy it for me. And then like she'll be like, forget what we did here today. And then she'll box that up. And that's what I open for Christmas, which it's like she would ideally just pick stuff out for me. But she wants me to be as happy as I can be. Yeah. No. And it's I know like you shouldn't have to be dictated what gift you get someone because it is a gift. But it just feels nice to be seen. Yeah. Especially by your partner. Absolutely. Knows you maybe the best, hopefully the best, loves you, wants to make you happy and feel cherished. And if you're getting someone junk, especially like this story. They're not going to feel the love. And what is it that makes someone think like, oh, they asked for this, but I know better and I'm going to get something else. Delusion. It's just like. Self-centeredness. Yeah. Like in both of these cases, they couldn't have been clearer about like specifically what they want. And he even like in the story that we're reading right now, he saw her point out the necklace and based what he purchased off of pointing out that piece of jewelry, but still didn't just get that piece of jewelry. Yeah. No, this is crazy. And so confusing. I like I think there's just like I think you you in this story because this is a listener to take subreddit. Oh, I think you need to have a conversation and just like really articulate your feelings. But in the same breath, like don't settle, like do not keep settling for these gifts like he does need a little bit of a wake up call. Like last year, Justin did an advent calendar for me and your advent calendars. Do you do for your partner like they do not need to be expensive. They can be thoughtful like he in one like of the days would get me like a gift card to go get coffee. And then the next day would be a puzzle piece to like a big present at the very end. I had like put together this puzzle to then get the key to unlock the treasure chest. That's so fun. He put so much effort and love and thoughtfulness into this. Like another one of the days was a T-shirt of like my horse on it. And like that can you can do that. Yeah, that's attainable. But then he still made sure I was getting things that like he knew I wanted. Like, yeah, the very end. It was a little bit of a splurge for him. It was like a tennis bracelet because mine had been stolen in like one of our house robberies. Oh, so it's like just like you shouldn't have to settle like that is what love and gift giving should should feel like and I know everyone's not a good gift giver. It does take practice. Yeah. So start putting yourself in like put me in coach tap in right game on. I know what I want. I'm telling you what I want. And again, it doesn't need to be insanely expensive or like don't tie finances to it because I know everyone right now, like a lot of people are in hard spots this year. Yeah. It's the thoughtfulness. It's making sure that person feels seen. Go thrift. Yeah. I'm like I'm literally thrifting my mother-in-law's Christmas present because I know what she wants and I'm only going to find it at a thrift store. Well, and it's actually better for you. Yeah. I'm like I'm literally thrifting my mother-in-law's Christmas present because I know money. If you buy one thing one time for sixty dollars, then like spend twenty dollars this month and twenty dollars again next month. And then, you know, like you have to keep trying to cover it. I agree. I'm with you. Top comment. Ask him if he changed his mind about the book for your daughter because you saw the purchases on your Amazon and that it has to be sent back nonetheless because cheap jewelry is dangerous for both kids and adults. Also, add that you save money for your family, not all. Whoa. Next comment. Gift him things that you want. Quote, here, babe, a nice set of new bedsheets and the quality I like. Opie responds, not a bad idea. Someone says, ah, my oldest daughter and you would get on well, lol. Her partner loves a bargain. One year for her birthday, he gave her a mop and a mop. He was extremely lucky he didn't get the handle of that mop. Dot, dot, dot. Well, you get the idea. Lol. My daughter would then shove an advertisement pamphlet under his nose with what she wanted circled. He was told in no uncertain terms that any deviation from that circled item would result in a mop handle coming into play. Seriously, though, she told him how it made her feel like he didn't value her at all. He has slowly learned. He got down on one knee last year and proposed with an expensive ring. So he's learning. There is hope. Yeah. I mean, maybe these people can just get into extreme couponing when it comes to groceries. And then when it comes to gift giving, hey, that's when we spend money on those that we love. We can save on Triscuits and biscuits. Yeah. Oh, my God. I like really the extreme couponers. That stuff's crazy. Yeah. But that's a good area to do it. You can save in all other areas in life that aren't gifts. Yeah. For your family and friends. Yeah. Let those savings spread to items that like really matter. Yeah, absolutely. So it seems like this next comment is responding to like, has anyone been through this? Like, what did you do? And they say, I was finally unpleasant about it. He now buys exactly what I asked for. I just got tired of getting almost what I wanted. I think it's worse, than nothing at all. Yeah. And I think that's what's hard is like, you don't want to be mean about a present that was given to you. And you can tell that like, with these gifts, there is some thought to it. It's not like he's getting her these completely random things that she would never want. They're within the realm of something she would want. And in his mind, it seems like he's thinking, oh, I'm going to do something really awesome and actually get her 24. brushes for the same price. And that's hard to be like, oh, I didn't want this, actually. Don't get me this. Don't do this again. But I think eventually after like trying to give that hint gently and not being taken, like, yep, being a little bit unpleasant about it might be what you have to do. Like, I'm not going to use these. This is going to create more waste. I really would have just liked one pretty necklace. Yeah. Well, in response to that comment, someone goes, how did you go about it? Details, please. Someone responds, I flipped one Christmas day and I told him to take it all back that I didn't want these crappy things and that if he didn't want to buy me decent presents, it was better to buy me nothing. Not my best behavior. Someone responds, proud of you. Next person goes, but it worked. Yeah. Yeah. It has to be like that at some point because you're both, I mean, you're just going to continue being unhappy and suffering in silence. And like, they're going to continue to not really understand. Someone does comment here. I had a boyfriend like this. He didn't buy me things, but always bought the cheapest thing for himself. He only bought grapefruit juice when it was on sale. I had to convince him that he has enough money. And if he prefers grapefruit juice to just enjoy his life and get the juice he likes. He grew up very poor and every penny mattered. He wore his clothes until they had holes and then added patches to them. It was hard for him not to think this way. OP responds I think you nailed it my husband grew up and although his parents are pretty well off now they all sort of kept that mentality i just don't know how to make him realize that buying super cheap things isn't good in the long run yeah sounds like they have to have a serious conversation about adult spending yeah we get an update oh yeah this has uh popped up since i opened this post oh my god update edit this got so many more replies than i expected thank you to those who provided actual advice and shared your pain with me felt good knowing others went through something similar and figured out a solution that worked in your relationships so a day after posting this i did what a lot of you suggested and brought up the mysterious advent calendar that popped up on my account he looked nervous and tried to pretend that it wasn't him i think he meant it to be a surprise for me and got caught lol i told him although it was a nice suggestion i'm a 30 year old woman and i have no use for cheap jewelry at first he was a little hurt and offended but i tried to explain to him that he basically got me jewelry that's cheaper than the toys you get out of a gumball machine yeah wow that's a crazy comparison like less than 50 cents a piece his thought was it would be fun to open for advent and i could wear it for the day and throw it away and i replied that that is super wasteful and i would never enjoy a gift like that i told him next time for ten dollars i'd prefer something edible instead so we can all enjoy it together and it wouldn't be a waste i asked if he would enjoy 24 watches that cost 50 cents each and he agreed that sounds crazy when i put it like that yep yep that parallel i told him all future advent we should discuss together and decide what to get as a family so we can enjoy it all together i could tell him that i would never enjoy a gift i heard his feelings a little bit but after mulling it over for the remainder of the night he came and apologized before we went to bed he admitted he just wasn't really thinking saw the deal and bought it and thankfully it's amazon so he returned it we also discussed making wish lists to share with each other and keep it strictly to the list so we'll see if that works i know you guys wanted some more drama but we do love each other and he is a good guy we both grew up in poor families and that does affect how we view purchases and etc i just swung to the other spectrum of buying really nice pieces but few of them and he swung to the other end of let's find the best deal we can so that is all hopefully this will be a more permanent solution that works well i'm happy i don't think anything was ever ill-intentioned it's just like i really i did not read this update and i just could feel the scarcity mindset but if that's if that's the case though why is he like buy something that you throw away each day i don't know it's it's something dude psychologically like me and lauren both really struggle with this like we talk about it quite a bit but like we have a lot of like trauma surrounding money because of like our childhoods and like things that happened growing up so like money for us it's like it's just a really hard conversation it's a hard thing to navigate we have a lot of like scarcity mindset mentalities like food like i will i can't throw food out like i can't throw i have to eat it like i'm just like it's just i'm goofy i fully recognize i'm goofy so i feel like i probably recognize myself in him a little bit and like there's just something psychologically about getting a deal i don't think you really in the moment necessarily consider like how cheap it could be or like maybe it won't work as good like i think little things even like a swiffer like or a wet jet versus the swiffer and you're like well that one saves me 40 but if you invest something a little more expensive it'll last a lot longer i think vacuums are a good example of that yeah a cheap vacuum that's a hundred dollars versus you ball out and you maybe get the dyson my dysons lasted me six years yeah still going strong sucking a lot so sucks everything sucks it all and i so good i literally i like post on this on my stories like maybe two years ago when everyone like was raving they're like team shark team dyson team a different one hoover like vintage hoovers were getting thrown out there and recently i bought a shark for um my house in minnesota because like the vacuum there broke so we went to costco and i buy the shark i don't know how you shark girlies are doing it oh that shark did not suck up anything i'm loyal to dyson dyson i'm here if you want to sponsor me wow sponsor her send some air reps i do so that was on my that's on my christmas list that's like the one i said i want one thing this is it and it's at costco right now really good black friday sales on that too really yeah really good price at costco and like i think with costco you usually get i don't know if it counts on that but if you buy like appliances or like like a vacuum or whatever you get an additional year warranty on top of the manufacturers oh i didn't know that through costco it's awesome my dad kicked me off his membership finally at the age of 31 oh my god so i need to go get my own membership now i have my roommate as my plus one on my costco membership that's really nice of you thank you that's really nice of you i didn't realize you could do that but i i added my mom on mine and i'm gonna i just gotta go in and take my new picture and then i get my new card finally my own account like a big girl oh my god it's like health care all over again i don't yeah health care especially right now marketplace is a nightmare this episode is brought to you by vinted season is changing time to clean out that closet and maybe make some extra money in the process vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell your clothes you no longer wear and get more value out of your wardrobe it's super simple to use and with no selling fees so you keep what you earn give your clothes a second life with vinted download the vinted app for free to start listing with no seller fees this episode is brought to you by truvia a not so hot take sweeteners that taste great make life easier like truvia allulose plus stevia sweetener and monk fruit sweetener it tastes like sugar with zero calories per serving and no aftertaste it's perfect for beverages baking and cooking if you're looking for a better way to enjoy sweetness with zero calories per serving you really need to try truvia allulose plus stevia sweetener it's a great way to enjoy sweetness with zero calories per serving you really need to try truvia allulose plus stevia sweetener and monk fruit sweetener available online and nationwide at kroger albertson's safeway and your favorite local grocery retailer okay let's get into this one okay little turkey day drama wow gobble gobble bitches this one's coming from am i overreacting three hours old oh my god this feels i need to i'm scared to refresh i'm gonna i'm like three hours that's it it is six hours old now wow i hours ago but it's titled am i overreacting to skip thanksgiving after my mom basically said i'm an embarrassment for not having a husband and kids by now me i'm 35 female and single for three years i was engaged but he charles was doing weird sexting role play with people on a video game which was fucking disgusting it fucked me up and yes i've been in therapy i've dated since but nothing serious i've never had sex with anyone since i was a little girl i've never had sex with my mom say something like this to me i do not want to go to thanksgiving after this the way that she said don't shoot the messenger it's clear that the rest of the family have been talking about me and she was the one elected to say it i don't want to drive two hours just to sit with people who think i should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate little bitch would i be overreacting for not going is that too much i'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now would you ever say this to your daughter like i have a good job i'm educated i have friends and hobbies i own my own condo and i have three car payments left i have a cat why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids i don't know i'm pissed yeah this is this is so mean and it's also just like have you considered that i'm happier now than i was back then like does that make that matter to you would you rather i be miserable and have a significant other than be happy and be alone i think it's really hard as a 35 year old woman as an any age woman when you start going home and like i don't know the years are passing and you're still not bringing anyone back but i think especially because she was engaged i think they like saw her so close yeah but it's just like i know well it's like how do you even know her goal in life is to have kids maybe she doesn't want kids and that's okay like not everyone needs to have a kid like i hate like how much pressure we put on people to like do these like traditional things it's like that's not a measure of success for me that's your measure of success that's what you wanted for your life but it's okay if i don't want that for mine and there's so much pressure put i think specifically on women like your biological clock is ticking oh you're 32 like are you getting ready to have kids When are you having kids? Like, since getting married, That's been like everyone's question now. It's like, when are you having kids? Are you going to start trying? Are you having kids yet? Yeah. What are you thinking about? Oh, you don't want a glass of wine? Are you pregnant? Are you pregnant? Oh, you're craving a little extra chocolate today? Are you pregnant? You look a little big today, Morgan. Are you pregnant? God damn, I'm just in my bloat era. Like, no. And I just like, men's biological clocks tick too. Yeah, in a different way. In a different way. Yeah. Every thing, basically, all issues basically increase as men get older because their sperm quality goes way down. So, come at him. Honestly, come at everybody. Going home the last couple of years, my family doesn't harass me about this, but they will make comments about, oh, it'd be so nice, you know, to see you with also someone here if you were bringing someone home. And I'm like finally starting to understand that in all of those holiday movies where people make some kind of contract to pretend to be in a relationship. To go home for the holidays. I'm like, oh, I actually get why they did that. Like, that always seemed like such a funny, random concept when I was growing up that they would do this, like, can you just be, pretend to be my girlfriend or my fiance for the holidays when I go home to see my family? And I was like, that seems dramatic. But now I'm like, wait, I get why they're doing that. Mikayla might be hiring this season. I might be hiring this season. She might need a little buddy. Go back. This is my partner. They would love that. Oh, my God. They'd be so happy. They'd be like, Mikayla, you're finally dating again. This is all we could have ever hoped. Just kidding. They would be really, they'd love it, though. Yeah, I just think, I think it's hard because especially in this last sentence, she's listing all of the things that she's doing so well right now, which I feel confirms that, like, she's living the life that she wants to be living. Even if she really did want to be partnered right now, these comments still wouldn't help make that happen faster. Nope. And it's like. I can't force, like, a beautiful relationship upon myself. I could try to date more, but, like, ultimately, you're kind of trying to get me to settle for someone that's not going to make my life as good as the perfect person could be. Ooh. And also, I'm like. Yeah. If I, if I started dating right and I waste two years, let's say, on maybe someone who isn't my perfect person, maybe the perfect person was a year and a half away. And I'm. You were. You were forcing yourself to make something work. And now I'm 10 years out from my purpose because I missed that one and a half year one. That's a really good point. I think that's what a lot of people don't realize, too, when it comes to, like, sunken cost fallacy. Like, the OP in this story is so on it. Like. Yeah. The fact that they were like, why would I have wanted to stay in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate little bitch? Literally. She cocked it. She's like, I'm not going to waste any more time. But I think there's also the flip side of that where someone could have been like, I've been in this relationship for two years. I'm in this deep. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You can't think sunken cost fallacy and, like, hope and, like, bank on potential because being with that person could be blocking you from a bigger blessing. Like, don't block your own blessing. Like, don't do that. Yeah. Bye, bye, bye, bye. There's such a, like, thing of if you've suffered for something, you in your mind have to make it have more value, which is, like, true of frats and, like, hazing and, like, all the different things where because you had this tough initiation into it, you're like, now I want to hold on to it tighter because who am I if I let myself suffer for something that isn't even that great? Like, how stupid must I be? Damn, yeah. And we don't want to think that way about ourselves. No, it's, like, almost like a cult mentality. Yeah. It's, like, getting sucked in a little bit. We do, I will say, we do have a screenshot that mom sent. So this is all coming from mom, okay? There's, like, four different text. Bubbles here. Oh, my God. Sorry if this hurts your feeling, but it's time for some tough love. You made a big mistake when you broke it off with blank. I know you don't like what he did, but giving up over it was stupid. Everyone else has a family. Your sister, your brother, cousins. Doesn't that make you feel embarrassed? To be the only one without a family? Doesn't it make you feel lonely? Oh, my God. Oh, I'm sorry. I actually kind of thought I did have a family. Maybe I don't now, though. No, actually, I feel less lonely than I ever did. You are too old for roommates. It's time to grow up. Just my two cents. Don't shoot the messenger. Love you, sweetie. Just something to think about. No, she shouldn't go to Thanksgiving. I wouldn't. This person, well, your mother being this person. Bitch. Oh, my God. What an awful way to talk to somebody. Are you not my mom? Are those not my brothers? Are those not my sister? And it's so sad. That is my family. Like, OP actually seems pretty proud of herself. Like, she's talking about all of her accomplishments. She's made a good life for herself. And actually, she should be. Condo, car, cat. She should be so proud of the fact that she left that guy. Yeah. And it sucks that, like. Knows her. Knows her worth. Yeah, it sucks that the people around her aren't like, actually, that's something you should be proud of. Instead of, you should be ashamed of it. Like, what treatment are you okay with? Sorry, I actually want to be happy more than I want people to see me as having one in life. Because I have the traditional partner that everyone thinks is what I'm supposed to do. Ugh, that's so. That's despicable, the way that she spoke to her. It's so bad. It's so bad. Like, just. It's not her fault, too. She was. She wanted it to work out with that guy. She didn't choose for him to do that. No, I'm sure she loved him. But, like, why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and is cheating and doing whatever online? Like, no. Oh, my God. Like, on a video game, though. This. Come on. Come on. Like, love is so, so magical when it's equal and balanced and, like, you just feel, like, good. Love shouldn't make you feel bad. Shouldn't make you untrustful. I don't know. I don't know what the word is. Distrustful? Yep. Yep. Thank you. It's just, like, it should all be, like, positive. Like, is it going to be hard at points? Yeah. Are you going to fight? Yeah. Are you going to have health issues? Probably. Like, yeah, you're going to go through all this shit. But, like, make sure you're with the right person when you go through all this bad shit. Because if you're with the wrong person, the bad shit will be 20 times worse. Mm-hmm. I remember going through a really hard time in my life right after. I had a breakup and thinking, thank God I went through this breakup before this happened. Because if I were still with him right now, this situation would be so much worse. Because I would feel so much lonelier. And, like, I would just feel so much, like, sadder if I still had this person in my life. Which feels counterintuitive. Like, the having someone would make you less. It makes complete sense. Yeah. It really does. Because you have that thing that you're going through on top of dealing with this, like, other person. I think that, like, you see it a lot with moms that, like, have kids. But then they're also, like, parenting their partner. Yeah. And then it's just like, you don't have two kids. You've got three. Rope your husband in. Because you're doing everything. It's like, your life becomes easier co-parenting than being his mom and doing everything yourself. Like, I just, it's, I totally, yes, that makes so much sense. I think it's hard. Because, again, this is OP's mom. So it's like, this is some of the only family she has. I think in the ideal scenario, you would, like, make her understand and see things from your perspective. But it's just so hard to reason with someone who fundamentally doesn't get it. And not only that, but is, like, talking down to you. And being in the life of someone who wants to make you feel bad about yourself is just, like, now she has to. I don't know. Does she have to cut out this person, too? Like, she's already had to cut out this horrible partner. Now she has to cut out her mom. Like, how many people does she have to cut out who are just, like, dragging her down? I don't know. It's so sad. I think mom definitely needs a time out. Yeah. Like, maybe you don't have to cut her out completely and go no contact. But maybe it's a low, low contact situation. Yeah. I know mom was like, don't shoot the messenger. But I don't think you should automatically. I assume everyone in your family feels the same way. Like, your mom could just truly be deranged and also, like, whatever. Like, don't maybe cut everyone else off so quickly unless you feel that, no, everyone is talking about you. Then, yeah. But I agree with the top comment, which basically just says, not overreacting. I would not attend any holidays or other events at her place. She's not the messenger. She's the problem. I know. I. I think I would, in this situation, have a serious conversation with her and maybe my other family members of, like, look, I know my life may not look like the life you would want to have, but I'm proud of myself and I'm happy right now. And the things that you're telling me I need to do are the things that would actually make me less happy. So if you can't understand that and if you're going to keep looking down on me, then I don't know how we can have a positive relationship. I know. You really need to, like. set the boundary with her and like hey this is not appropriate like this is not okay this is cruel this is and i'm not sad no no a lot of people are in the comments saying 100 i'd be screenshotting this and sending it in a group chat to the whole family sorry guys can't make it this year next comment came here to say exactly this i would screenshot send it in a group chat to everyone who will be attending and make plans to be elsewhere on thursday and not responding to your phone all the other guests should either feel like shit and or let mom have it for being a jerk next comment came to say this share with your siblings and sit this year out i would put money on them being horrified by this message next comment i would be sharing this with the entire family all caps siblings aunts cousins grandparents everyone damn that's so funny i probably wouldn't be that messy but like if she did i'd be cheering her on i'm kind of down for it because i feel like you should almost know one way or another because that you should almost know one way or another because that's the way it is sharing. is being ridiculous. I told him, if your wife is treating Tommy poorly because of some pictures in my home, then you need to rethink if this is the right person. Obviously, he disagrees, but has been hounding me leading up to Thanksgiving. My husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists, but has also pointed out that they are married and we should pick our battles. I'm wondering if I'm missing the forest for the trees. I don't. If Sherry can't even handle like a picture of Helen or Helena. Helena. Of Helena, like how is she going to co-parent with her? Like this is a part, not even just a part of your family history, it's a part of your current family. This is the mother of your stepchildren. Like you're going to have to see her. And like this might. Mindset that if you can just get rid of photos of her, like you won't have to think about it anymore is it's only going to get worse and worse from there. She needs to get used to the photos. She needs to get used to the person. Unless that unless Helena did some like terrible, terrible thing and was like abusive and awful, then I would understand wanting the pictures being removed. But like, no, if this is just a normal like former relationship. Yeah. Which sounds like it is. Yeah. There's no mention of like, oh, they ended poorly and maybe she's trying to defend my son, Gavin. No, this sounds like a jealous, insecure witch. And oh, if you start changing your behavior and taking things out on a baby. Yeah. He's four. Oh, my God. A little nugget. Yeah. Like, come on, grow up. Also, because of how is it like because of the photo? Like this is a real person who, like, how is a photo the line that you're drawing at? Like, now you're upset about it. You have to co-parent with this person forever. Yeah. Like this person is in your life. Why are you threatened? You you won. You're married. You have him. And if you feel so threatened that you have to worry about him, you probably don't want him. Like, that's just a good rule of thumb. I understand where OP is at not wanting to take these pictures down, especially because like a lot of these pictures didn't sound like they were of just Tommy and Helena. Yeah. Like, it sounds like they were old family photos. And, you know, I would say like, hey, maybe move those pictures of Tommy, Helena, Gavin. Maybe those ones could go in your office. But sure. If they're full family photos where it's like it's all of your kids. Yeah. They're partners. That's the only photo you have of them at that age. You're not going to then take every photo that's like that off your wall. Yeah. And Photoshop Helena out like it's Tommy's mom. She's in all of your lives. And if you are this threatened, you need to go and get some help. Yeah. It's not going to be me. It's not going to be me taking my pictures off the walls in my home, my own home. Yeah. This sounds like a dangerous person just to the point of taking it out on the child. Like, I agree. There is something very wrong here. Very, very wrong. Like I deeply unhinged. And OP does have an edit. Just a quick edit. If there was abuse, I would have already called CPS. Sherry has decided that when Tommy is there, she will make herself sparse and not be involved with him anymore. I have told Gavin that's not acceptable. And he says he's working on it. But there's nothing to report. And Helena knows all of this. Oh, my God. Team Helena. Yeah, absolutely. Gavin. So when the child is at like their house, she's just ignoring him. Doesn't help if he wants to go home. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't a snack. Doesn't engage with him. You signed up for a marriage with someone who has a child and an ex-wife. If you didn't want to be a stepmom. Yeah. You couldn't handle being a stepmom. Yeah. Don't sign up to be a stepmom. You're 27. This is a doomed relationship. You could have found someone who didn't have any past entanglements. Totally. You could have found a virgin if you wanted. You could have dated someone who has been saving themselves until marriage. So you had no one to worry about if you're a stepmom. Yeah. Yeah. You could have dated someone who has been saving themselves until that insecure. Maybe. I haven't met one, but I bet. We also, I don't know. I'm like, we live in LA. I don't know. There's people saving it. No, there for sure are. I kind of like, I wonder what that experience would be like. Like, in hindsight, I had sex way too young. I do wish I would have waited longer, like a lot longer. I mean, I was in ninth grade when I started having sex. Like, that's just so young. I mean, it's young. But it's not unheard of. Not unheard of. But I just wonder what it would feel like to be. To have your first time be in love? Or I don't know if I can wait. In love. I mean, I was in love, but like, where my prefrontal lobe was maybe a little more developed. Yeah. I'm just curious. I don't know if there's anyone out there that's waiting until marriage. That is a strong person. Strong. That is a strong. What willpower? They must have a lot of toys, I would hope. Good for you. It's hard. It's really hard. Top comment on this one. Quote, my husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists. Fucking MVP. I love that saying. I say that constantly. I love it. I'm like, I just like, I hope that one is never at a point where we can't say because it is a good one. Next one down. Added wench is treating her new stepson like trash and using pictures as an excuse. Even if the pictures come down, the terrorist will ask for more. And the next thing you know, Tommy won't even be able to mention his mother. Then it'll be Tommy's mother can't come to the house to pick him up. Finally, Tommy should go live with his mother. Gavin married an asshole. Yeah, absolutely. That's the thing is like, if you're having such a problem with the pictures, it's not going to get better just by removing. The pictures. No, because if you give into that, it's you're going to be given into other things. It's like if you give a mouse a cookie or if you give him an inch, they take a mile like she's not going to let it end with this. And these are pictures that are not even in their home. Right. And it's OK if Tommy wants a picture of his mom in his room. Tommy should be able to see his mom in pictures around a house where he lives. Absolutely. This is like such a recipe for a toxic co-parenting situation. It's like, how is Tommy going to feel hearing like his mom is a topic they can't talk about half the time? Kids pick up on it often. Like kids pick up on this. You feel it. I was this kid. I've talked about this on the podcast, but like I made a comment when my stepmom was cutting my French toast and I was like, well, my mom cuts it like this. It was insane. It was absolutely insane. I still remember sitting at the table like I remember the table and what it looked like. I remembered the chairs. I remember the chairs. Like I remember everything. Yeah. And it's just like I was little. I was like maybe the same age. I wasn't even in school yet because I would go down there and like stay down there long periods of time. But it's just like, what? That's disgusting. Like what? Yeah. And then it hurts the kid mentally, emotionally. Yeah. It's not good. So no, I wouldn't take the pictures down. I just would hold fast on that. Yeah, you have to make your stand. You have to make your stand there. A lot of people are worried about like O.P. getting cut off from Tommy, like the little one. And O.P.'s like, that's not going to happen. Like I see my grandson daily and have a wonderful relationship with both of his parents. I'm not worried about him cutting me off like everyone else is. Someone goes, do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your son and grandkids? Take the damn pictures off the wall and make your son's life easier. No, the asshole. No. And O.P. goes, no, that's just giving. I'm not trying to start a precedent that Sherry can hulk over the slightest annoyance and get her way. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that. I think you got to hold strong. O.P.'s like, I'm not holding any money over his head. Like, it's all good. I pick Tommy up from preschool every day. They depend on me. There are pictures of Sherry up. Yes, I don't have any pictures of just Helena or just Helena and my son in them. Just larger family shots. Like, again, kind of hammering at home. And like, I wouldn't touch those fucking pictures. Yeah. Let her shoot herself in the foot and destroy her own relationship. And I hope your son wakes up and sees it. I mean, and also, didn't they say this was like, like a very short relationship before they got married? And like a couple months. This just seems like a disaster. Wait. Yeah. I like I know everyone kind of chimes in and has their own stories about this. Like, I really do think you should wait at least a year before marrying someone like you don't really even know them until like nine months to a year. And I know everyone always has like their like exceptions to the rule of like, well, I met my husband after two weeks and we're still together 14 years later. Yeah, that's cool. But for the average person, they don't get that lucky. Yeah. And I would rather be safe than sorry. I'd wait a little bit. Absolutely. Just seems like a disaster. That's not what I'm talking about. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't It's like begun happening and it's just going to get worse. Yeah, I think so. 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Go to revolve.com slash THT to shop. Shop my faves and use code THT for 15% off your first order. Offer available for a limited time, so don't miss out. Okay, we're moving into this next one here. I'm going to give you a choice, okay? Okay. Option one, am I the asshole for freaking out after finding a secret group chat between my boyfriend and my mom? That sounds like a pretty good one. Or option two, am I the asshole for not allowing my daughter-in-law to join a camping trip and doubling down on it? I think the first one, group chat. Okay, here we go. I am 27 female, my boyfriend is 29 male, and we've been together for three years. We do not live together, but he stays over a lot and we're pretty serious. My mom and I are close, but she can be kind of controlling and likes to know everything. This weekend, she asked to borrow my old iPad so she could watch Netflix in bed. I had not used it in months, so I just handed it to her. No big deal. Tonight, I picked it up to charge it and saw a banner from messages pop up at the top. It was from a chat with my boyfriend and my mom. Title was literally helping her get it together. I know I should not have, but I opened it. Come on. There were weeks of messages. My boyfriend venting to my mom that I am too sensitive and spiraling again when I get anxious. Him telling her I hate my current job and they need to push me to apply for something more stable. My mom sending long paragraphs about how I need structure, how I am messy, how I never finish things that I start. At one point, he wrote that sometimes he feels more like my babysitter than my partner. And my mom replied with a laughing emoji. They also talked about how to present it so she doesn't melt down. I feel humiliated and weirdly ganged up on. I get that people vent, but this feels like two of the closest people in my life building a case file on me. I also struggle with anxiety and I have been in therapy, which they both know. I have not confronted either of them yet because I honestly feel shaky and kind of numb. Am I the asshole if I call them both out and say that this crossed? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't a massive boundary or am I overreacting and this is just normal caring talk behind my back? No, because the laughing emoji response, I feel like confirms that this is not just like concerned caring talk about her. That's that's like, oh, we're talking shit. We are gossiping about this bitch. Oh, my God. This reminds me of honestly, like the story where the mom was mad that her daughter broke up with her partner because it's like, why are you? Why are you on my partner's side and like not on mine? And I guess this is like in the same way, like an issue between the partner and OP. This is just like a completely shocking thing. But I can't imagine this. This is like there's this can't be healthy. There's a way if you're like if you're genuinely worried about some kind of like addictive behavior or something like really serious, I can understand, you know, talking on the side and being like we might need to have an intervention or blah, blah, blah. But this, again, sounds like it's just making fun of her personality. Yeah, kind of everything about her, too. And like the minute my partner goes to my mom and says, you know. I feel like her babysitter a lot of times. Whoa. I mean, this person is 27. Like, are they not an adult? Yeah. Everyone like has their own struggles. Like she says, I have anxiety. I've been to therapy. I'm working on it. It's almost like I don't want to be with someone who starts looking at me like I'm a child or like I'm their burden. I don't want to be a burden to you. I want a partner. I want to build this life and go through life together. But if you feel like you're my babysitter. Problem. And the group chat name. What would she need? She needs to get it together. Quote, helping her get it together. That does not sound like genuinely wanting the best for someone. That sounds like they talk shit about her and it makes them feel good. And this is funny to them. I mean, I'm this is flabbergasted the things they're saying to each other. Break my heart also. Too sensitive. Spiraling again when I get anxious. She's messy. She never finishes things that she starts. She needs structure. I'm an adult. Like, also, is this my parents talking about me? And am I like 12 years old? How is this a conversation between my mom and my partner? That is so weird. That is bizarre. He almost like I mean, he's two years older. Like their age gap's great. They've been together three years. So like. Solid footing all around age wise and like maturity wise. But it's almost like he he kind of like looks down on her. Absolutely. Like he's very almost condescending where it's like, oh, she's spiraling again. Anxiety. Like, yeah, both of them. It's very condescending in a way. Yeah, absolutely. And they're laughing about it. Dude, no, not the asshole if you call them out. I really would. I think this is like a big breach of trust between you and your partner. Yeah. If your partner feels like you're not carrying a load fairly or, hey, you know, like you're not handling your stress well, I think you need to continue with therapy and develop more positive coping skills like that's fine for them to feel that. But they should be communicating with you about it. Yeah. Not venting to your mom. Absolutely. If O.P. was again like actually doing something really bad or really dangerous and they were genuinely concerned, I think this could be a very different story. But it doesn't feel like that's true on either front. Like they, I don't know. No, no. So I've got comments sorted by best. I think when this post was starting out, because it is only six hours old right now. And I think I said it comes from the two outtakes subreddit. I forgot. Maybe I didn't. This is from the two outtakes subreddit, guys. Someone posts this response into here because I think people were questioning, like, is this even real? Like, this is crazy. And someone says this. I mean, this might be a bot, but I'm 1000% a real human. And I just found out that this was going on with me Saturday night. And it's been for years. And my mom just wildly shares the most insane personal details like, quote, Remember when she used to cry all the time? Now she's crying watching Toy Story three. It was my God. It was my first time seeing it. The end is emotional. The hell. So I don't know if this is a bot, but it really does happen. Someone responds. This sounds so violating. I'm really sorry you had to find out like that from your own mom. This is terrible. And I do. I don't think this is even that farfetched. No. Like, out of all the things we've come across over the years, like, I could see. No, I don't think so. Because again, like, this reminds me just like of a dynamic between like a mother-in-law that's just way too close with the son-in-law and like sort of starts taking his side. Yeah. And I mean, like, I've talked to Justin's mom about like, yeah, you know, something came up with work and it's just stressful time. You know, I wish he wouldn't take it. Like, it was a music tour that he did. Right. And it was like right before the wedding. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm drowning. And he ended up like after we talked, he only did a couple of shows and not the full tour. And like, it made sense, like the decision we came to. Yeah. But like before we came to a decision, like the news, I kind of got sprung on me and I was like, I don't really like this. Like, I just I wish he would like. Yeah, no, that's so normal, I think. But I was like, it's not like I'm like talking shit about Justin. Like, no, Justin's so inconsiderate. I wasn't like doing anything like that. It was just like and he starts crying all the time. LOL. And I feel like his babysitter. And when he was watching Toy Story, he started crying. Isn't that so embarrassing? No, that is crazy talk. That's so different. It's so different. Like, I think a lot of people, when they have healthy relationships with their in-laws, yeah, can have conversations. And like, I don't know, like, I don't know if venting is the right word, but like, just like discuss things, but not have it turn into dogpiling on the partner. Totally. Especially to the extent that you have like a chat specifically for it. Like, that's crazy. Yeah. I mean, the title alone, like that shows the intention there. How do you can you put a title on a chat? just between you and one other person i don't know and then i would wonder what because they called it a group chat is there like another person in it that's what i would want to know because like you can't change your text message like i'm trying to drag someone at the top you might be able to on like instagram or something like on whatsapp like a whatsapp you can you can change things maybe that's what it is and stuff like that so i'm like maybe that's it yeah maybe it's not whatever and she was on the ipad right so she probably like logged into some kind of account which ma'am it's not your ipad why are you logging in your eye messages or whatever you want to get caught like i don't know yeah maybe maybe she wanted her to see it evil there's another comment here with a few votes now they formed a secret alliance about you instead of supporting you directly that's a major boundary violation not caring no it does yeah it feels like an alliance against her dude that's crazy no comments from op no update yet so we'll have to keep our eyes bare yeah very interested in that one wow there is some poor behavior going around right now what is wrong with people why can't we act normally and speak to our loved ones with kindness that's what i'm taking away from this why are we speaking so harshly about those that we should love the most is that a field goal what the heck just exasperated yeah tossing up your hands i don't know people need to um get it together yeah embrace some happy ho ho ho holiday spirits i mean gossiping does feel good but god damn i've been there i've enjoyed some gossiping yeah yeah this was a good gossip yeah that's true good gab that's true we gossip about these people yeah we sure did we sure did that's all i got for you guys um doozy of an episode doozy of a month it's gonna be i already know people are coming out of the woodwork reddit has finally felt like juicy again i know i'm like i was really i'm gonna be honest i've been dealing with a lot of burnout and i also genuinely think like i don't want to be a part of it up to like well it's wedding blues but like i've been a little like in the dumps like a little blue a little down in the dumps not feeling great um and i just think it's a combo of like burnout and then like i planned like you planned something for two years and then it's just over and you had such a thing that you were like putting everything into and then that came and went yeah so that makes a lot of sense finding myself again yes so i don't know it's weird vibes weird vibes over here but um it's gonna be a good month with stories and november patreon was insane we had some really good episodes michaela was on not just one but two episodes whoa yeah you were on um i forget what theme we kind of were all across the board on like unique experiences slash like some other stuff yeah like the leftovers from but like really good and then we had a really good half with um justin's episode that final story the wedding one oh that is really good and then lauren's bonus episode on patreon for november and that that's like a two and a half hour long episode over there so if you've run out of content and you need some long stuff go over there there was actually a story from the people are ill theme that i deleted i just never made it into editing somehow i like removed it when i was setting up the episode to then pass off to my editor jenna and my silly self deleted it so there's some really good stories from the people are ill theme that i deleted i just never made it into editing somehow i like removed it when i was there along with just a bunch of other chaotic ones so head over there if you want more need a little extra this holiday season yeah the patreon isn't like just leftover stories like some of my favorite ones are over there i know like i i honestly feel like i i try to like make a very balance between you know what's over here on this side of the things versus what's behind the paywall but like i don't know what it is but i feel like every co-host like we kind of like recognize oh like we're behind the wall and like things get a little more chaotic over there true things get a little rowdy i think you're rowdy here but patreon's a lot of fun super intimate community um i'm doing a live show with patreon actually december 11th if you can't make it it will be posted on patreon it's a live show with me chris clemens is one of the co-hosts and lily from another podcast that's gonna be for everyone on patreon oh that'll be so fun all members even the free tier oh cool yeah so just come over and join you don't even have to pay there's a lot of content that gets put that's totally free yeah and then you get a little community over there yeah the comments are so nice i know it's really fun it's really fun but that's all i got guys thank you so much for being here and um being here another year it's crazy next year's 2026 i know it's not an even number well like in the sense of math yeah yeah no like 2025 just feels like such a like that's a year 2026 is like is that even a real year i like still remember being a kid and like doing new year's eve and the glasses were 2000 or 2001 yeah and the glasses were the zeros like those are the best years and now here we are 2026 what does that look like i guess you could have a six a six hole and a zero hole and you make the two in the between between really tiny designers reach out yeah she's got it but it's crazy it'll be five years of two hot takes in february oh my god insane 2021 is when you started wow february like 11th or something time flies time flies when you're having fun and you got a good family on board with you it's all she wrote though guys until next time bye this episode is brought to you by revolve if you're looking at your closet right now thinking no none of this is working just go to revolve i love that they have the brands i actually want there's 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