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Speaker 2At Harmony Bank, we believe that better happens together. We're a locally owned bank, built on relationships and personally committed to your success. Our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions. No big bank bureaucracy, just a custom approach to help you thrive. From business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs. Harmony Bank provides a secure, modern experience with a touch of Texas hospitality. We're Harmony Bank, where better happens together. Hello and welcome to the How Not
Speaker 3to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 100. Can you believe we are at 100 episodes already? I just want to take a moment to thank you, each and every one of you, for listening, following, rating, and reviewing. This podcast for telling your friends, your schools, your organizations, because together we are having honest conversations about it. What it's like to be a parent, the confusion, the challenges, the stresses, the angst, the trials, tribulations, and of course, the successes and triumphs. As a How Not To community, we are changing children's and parents' lives. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you. Back to today's episode, tests, exams, revision, and stress. I want to talk about how we can help and support our children, whether they're taking their weekly spelling tests, timetables, their SATs, their end-of-year exams, their GCSEs, A-levels, or whatever those big exams and tests are, wherever you are listening. I'm going to look at this from the perspective of three kind of common questions or areas that I get asked about. Now, first of all, I'm going to talk about how we can help our children, but I just want to start with some things we ought to keep in mind generally around revision. And the first is, ideally, revision should be a time when our children and our teens are actually going over and revising something they already understand. Where they often come unstuck with revision techniques is that they're simply trying to remember information and facts that they don't fundamentally really understand. And as a result, that's where they're not as likely to be able to perform at their best. Because what we're looking at with a lot of these tests nowadays and these big examinations is, it's really not meant to be designed as a rote learning mechanism, but an ability to take in information, understand it, and then be able to sort of replay it back in new and novel situations. So that really is an important thing. Now, obviously, if you're listening to this episode with your child or your teen, you're going to be able to do that. But if you're not, intensively in that exam period, then it probably, you know, they're going to have to work through whatever they've got currently. But if you're listening to this episode before your child reaches one of these critical periods, it's really important that we're encouraging them before they get to that real revision stage to be making sure as they're doing their homework, as they're working through their schoolwork, that they're making real efforts to try and understand the information that they're being given. So that's the first thing that I think we should just generally keep in mind. And I think the second thing is what our role is. And it's basically to help create the right environment and to create the boundaries for which revision occurs. So space away from distractions. It's our role to provide food and water, our boundaries around not having devices available and at the tips of their fingertips. We can't make our children or our friends or our friends, but we can create the right environment and set the boundaries. That's our role. So I think we just need to keep those two sort of things in mind as we go through. So let's, what I've done is I've broken the kind of the three areas into how can I support my child and my teen? What happens if I've got a child or teen with a lack of motivation? And why self-care matters as our children and teens are going through this revision process? So, so the first thing is just very broadly about how can we actually just help our teens and our children when it comes to revising? And I've got four tips here. The first one is around communication. We need to communicate with the siblings that are not going through that examination process with our partner. And we need to communicate with our child or our teen that's going through that process. So communicating with siblings so that they understand the stresses and the strains that their sibling is going through, because sometimes when a child or teen is going through this sort of revision process, they're not going to be able to communicate with their siblings. So communicating with our partner about, you know, how can we best support? What are our strengths? What are our partner's strengths that help us get them through this revision process? Optimise and maximise how present we can be there for our child or teen. And maybe that communication around schedules, around our work schedules, and all of the things that are likely to be impacting the dynamics within the family. And then that sort of communicating. And then also communicating with our child or our teen around boundaries, around our expectations, around the environment. Where are they going to do their revision? What are the things that we expect around the parking electronic devices? All of those things. Communication is so crucial and keeping those lines of communication open so that if our child or our teen is struggling, or their sibling is struggling, or there are challenges around our work schedules, that we've already began to kind of start those conversations. So communication is really, really crucial. And not only with our child and teen that's going through it, but also with all the other interested parties. So that's the first thing I would say. The second thing is a much more practical thing is stock up your cupboards so that snacks can be easier for them and meal prep can be easier for you as well. So that what then happens is it leaves you more available to provide the emotional, the practical support that your child or teen might need. And let's face it, we've all been there when we've been revising. Suddenly food is incredibly important. And of course it is. We that that plays. But it just makes life easier for everybody. If those sorts of things are available and ready, and it may well be that you have a conversation with your child or teen about what are the things that are easy to hand that will help them, that they want to reach out and grab when they're in the midst of that kind of revision. Because we all tend to reach for those things when we're revising. So communicating, stocking up our cupboards. The third is, and this is probably one of the most crucial ones, is about prioritising sleep. One of the functions of sleep is to consolidate what we learn in the day, whether we're revising or whether we're not. Our brain is consolidating the new experiences that we have. And so having too little sleep or sleep that is frequently, you know, disrupted due to stress and anxiety will actually work against all of their hard work when it comes to revision. If they're struggling to sleep because they're anxious and their brain goes into overdrive, then it will be really important to look at their bedtime routine. Is their bedroom being used to revise in? Now, some of us are fortunate enough that we've got other spaces that our children and our teens can revise in. But if we don't have that and our children's bedrooms are being used as a bedroom, they're being used as a study, they're being used as a sitting room, or maybe it's even being used as a dining room where they sit and eat, then it's really important that our children and our teens then redress their bedroom after they've done their revision, after they've used it as their sitting room, after they've used it as the place where they eat their food or snacks, so that we shift the energy afterwards from study to bedroom. So it's really important that we then help them by encouraging them to pack things away as much as is physically possible, removing all tech and all devices, and looking at ways that they can then begin to unwind before bed. And it may well be that we might need to increase the time before bed when they're off devices if they are struggling to fall asleep. But prioritising sleep and looking at ways that we can help manage that and help them begin to unwind ready for bed will make a huge, huge difference. So we really need to be prioritising sleep. And so that's three. So communicate, stock up your cupboards, prioritise sleep, and then the - Yeah. fourth one is about scheduling family time or downtime to bring things back into perspective and keep you all connected this doesn't have to be a huge you know anything huge maybe a film a television program a meal or a chill out time but it's just about bringing and reconnecting the whole family in the same space on a regular basis each day and it may be something that really you're only ever able to achieve at mealtimes or maybe you can't do that at mealtimes because you've got children in multiple different activities and doing different things or maybe you and your partner aren't available at the same time to do that then it's about making a real conscious conscious effort each day to find some opportunities to connect the whole family or at least the majority of the family together so those are kind of like the four basic things that we ought to be looking at doing let's look now and one of the common challenges and one of the common things that i get asked about is that i've got a child or teen who's just not motivated i feel like i'm banging my head against a brick wall i can't get them to do the work so in my view we really need to firstly understand what is causing this because what the what's causing the lack of motivation will act will fundamentally affect how we best approach it and then we need to really understand what is causing this because for me there are probably two biggest causes and i think that generally these address 100 of the lack of the lack of motivation and the first possible cause is your child simply doesn't see the link between the work that they need to do whether that's revising for spellings whether that's times tables whether that's big exams they don't see the link between the work that they need to do for that and the next steps so i think that's one of the biggest causes and i think that's why i'm so if that's the case we need to spend some time not lecturing but explaining and obviously the earlier we can do this the better because we can drip feed rather than it becoming this long sort of drawn out discussion but it's really important that we have a conversation and we spend some time explaining why the spelling test for example helps us to focus on particular words which follow certain rules so it's easier then when they're then going to write stories and i think that's one of the biggest causes and i think that's maybe it's helping explain why sats help schools to understand how to best support them in their next year group or maybe how gcses are a gateway to the next stage of their studies or the first steps of their career and they may not need all of them for the next step that they've already planned or have got scheduled that's already in place but it will be something that companies organizations careers will look at as our children maybe go from one career to the next career and to another so it's really their insurance policy if they want to switch directions so it may well be that they know they only need a certain number of things for that next step that they've already put in place but actually it's about an insurance policy should they change direction so it's helping them see the connection between the work that they're being asked to do i started or
Speaker 4not in 2013 and we make bike apparel the best part of shopify for me is to run the business as essentially non-technical people we're able to admin everything on the back end front end and sell things online easily if shopify were a bike accessory i think it would actually be the bicycle it's the thing that you do the thing on we run the business on shopify start your free trial on shopify.com at
Speaker 2harmony bank we believe that better happens together we're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions no big bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs harmony bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of texas hospitality we're harmony bank where better happens together now and the direction
Speaker 3that they're moving into because you quite often will get children and teens will be making comments around when am i ever going to use simultaneous equations when am i ever going to use probability when am i ever going to use algebra when am i ever going to have to understand this historical significance of this thing or understand aspects of religious studies or be able to use my times tables because i'm going to have a calculator all of these things that usually come back to us it's helping them make that connection between the work that they're doing now the skills that they're using in terms of being able to organize their thinking and to be able to you know present a good case when they're responding to a question to be able to understand how to best spell things from memory rather than necessarily using spell check is really helping them understand the skill sets that we're teaching them in that process of learning and that discipline of being able to organize information and then be able to process it that's the crucial part and how that then links to the next steps if that is the reason why you're then having lack of motivation in that space and as i say try and avoid it becoming a long drawn-out lecturing process but much more a discussion a drip feeding helping them see that connection because that may well be why they've got that lack of motivation the other reason why they may well be sort of lacking in motivation and why you're not really seeing them doing any revision maybe that they're just simply caught in paralysis so we talk about this idea about the fight or flight instinct you know they get so stressed that they fight or flight but it's actually fight flight or freeze your child or your teen may simply be frozen in this paralysis because they simply do not know where to start they're so stressed out there's so much to learn they don't believe that they're ever going to be able to learn it they don't know where that they can start and you know or they simply don't have any idea how to revise in the first place and it may well be schools this isn't an anti-school comment at all but schools do a great job in terms of providing our children with the information and the knowledge that they need but so often they don't have the time or the resources to be able to go through various different revision techniques so it's helping they might cover in a broad brush perspective you want to be able to help to help our children and where we can really step in is helping them break down this huge amount of work into more manageable chunks and also helping introduce them to different revision techniques and we need to be aware here where we don't become prescriptive we don't use the revision techniques that we found that are helpful for us and then try and do that for them it's much more a case of these are some of the techniques that you can use and it's probably best that you try a little bit of all of them to work out which bit which works particularly well for you so it's helping introduce them to the number of different techniques that they can use so that they can then work out what works best for them and obviously with a lot of this the earlier you do this the earlier the conversations happen the easier but if you're listening to this episode and your your child is right right smack bang in the middle of their um exams then it's let's look at what can be done in the period of time that we have and what i would say in terms of breaking things down into manageable chunks some children and some teens really love very detailed very elaborate exam revision timetables where they've decided in that minutiae detail exactly what subjects they're going to cover which topics they're going to cover within each this which within each of those subjects and that works for some but it doesn't work for others and some spend probably more time creating elaborate revision timetables than actually doing the revision themselves what is really helpful is to have a broad overview of the revision and and that is much more to do with when they're going to do the revision the slots that they're going to use because they may well be doing the revision after school initially so it's looking at that pragmatically what time is you know almost starting off with what time is the cutoff point of when no more revision will be done because we need to build in some downtime and then looking at then what is a reasonable amount of revision that can be done we're going to look at sort of how we can start chunking some of that down in the next section when we start looking at self-care but it's really looking at broadly speaking where are we going to put the revision sessions in when are we going to put the downtime in so that they're going to be able to do the revision and then we're going to look at what there's a real clear real really clear understanding of how much time we have to to do that revision so it's really looking at that and then if you've got a supremely detailed person who then needs to have that broken down in terms of which subjects then of course you can put that in but if you've got a child and a teen who's in paralysis it's just working out what level of detail do we need to put in that helps shift them out of paralysis and that fundamentally Paralysis really needs to be shifted through action. you can sit and you can create these detailed revision timetables and these detailed plans but that is not going to remove the paralysis action is the only thing that's going to remove paralysis so have enough detail that at least kind of gets them going and then they can go back and fill more detail afterwards but it's really this lack of motivation is generally driven by not knowing the link between what they should be doing now and their next steps and feeling paralyzed because there just seems to be too much to do and they don't know where to start so it's really looking at those and those particularly and that will also address if you've got a child that is lacking in motivation because they're just lacking in confidence they don't believe that they're capable of it so they slightly defeat us what's what's the point but those two will also looking at those causes and will also help combat the lack of confidence so we've looked at how can we support them just generally the kind of the essential four we've looked at how do we address what looks on the surface to be a lack of motivation but may have some underlying causes now let's look at what you know why self-care actually matters because you might actually have the opposite problem here in terms of you might not have a lack of motivation issue with your child or your teen maybe you have a child or two teen who overworks is a perfectionist maybe and they set themselves an impossible benchmark they have to achieve otherwise they see themselves as a failure now self-care is even more crucial when we've got those that are doing too much and striving for something that it may well be unrealistic but it's crucial for all children and teens going through any intensive period of revision with tests or exams and the reason we're talking about self-care is because we're talking about self-care and the reason why it's crucial is for three things the first is that our brain needs three things when it comes to optimizing itself for revision and to be able to then be able to sort of present their knowledge in a test or an exam and in the context of revision our brain needs water it needs food or fuel and it needs sleep those are the three crucial things that they need that our brain needs and it's communicating with our child or teen this and it's then making sure that as part of their scheduling that they are scheduling in that they're drinking plenty because that optimizes retention and it optimizes their ability to learn that they are taking in regular food or fuel and food or fuel that is going to feed and nourish their brain as well as the comfort stuff that they tend to reach for too and that that's the reason why we have to prioritize sleep because that's where the consolidation of the learning happens so self-care is making sure that we optimize those three the second thing is that over is helping our child and our teen understand and actually also for us as well is understanding that overwork hinders learning as our brain needs time off to consolidate learning so long periods of revision are actually counterproductive as they generally the longer the period of time of revision the less effective it becomes so what we should be looking at doing and encouraging our child or teen and actually resetting our expectation is that short sharp bursts are best you know that's what we should be looking at so 45 minutes on 10 to 15 minutes off rather than sort of like six hours or four hours of this intensive revision because actually they're not really going to be retaining it so it's helping them when they're looking at things as blocking out those those stints of work almost like little sprints of revision it also helps us manage that tech and that devices is that they have their tech and their devices somewhere else so that they can do that 45 minutes sprint on their revision and then in that 10 to 15 minutes off they can check in on their friends they can check in on their notifications or whatever it might mean but that that the device uses it's taken away it's removed it's somewhere else so that they're then not distracted so helping them understand the brain needs three things the overwork is actually going to be hindering it's finding optimal time and then the third one is helping your child or teen to build in down time to their revision schedule so this goes back to the bucket analogy that i've used in previous episodes around managing emotions is that we all have a bucket and your child and teen has a bucket too it's not a literal bucket it's a metaphorical bucket and that bucket has things that go in that begin to fill it and we usually only notice that our bucket has become full when that last drop goes in and we're in overwhelm we're in stress and everything is spilling out so it's helping them understand what are the things that are filling their bucket it could be lack of sleep because they're getting supremely anxious and worried it could be talking to friends it could be revising with friends it's hearing what they're doing it may well be expectations that they set it's just understanding what are the things that are filling their bucket and some of which they're not going to be able to really influence a huge amount because you know time to exams may well be filling their bucket and they can't fundamentally change that because the exams are scheduled as they are but what they ought to be aware of is the things that are filling their bucket and they can't fundamentally change that the things that are filling but also the things that offset and drain their bucket what are the things that actively help drain it and what are the things that they think are draining their bucket that is not draining it at all but actually instead just presses pause and they still have that overwhelm so it's helping them understand those things so that they can schedule when they're looking at their revision timetable and their revision schedule they can see the importance of scheduling things that help empty the bucket and usually that is talking and that usually that is some form of physical exercise so it's really making sure that they factor these things in yes watching some mindless television will probably have an effect and will also help as might a bath if that's something that they find helpful or reading a book but it's making sure that they schedule enough of the various things that actually help them empty that bucket so that they're aware what's helpful for them and that they're prioritizing and they're putting those things into place now my give this week is going to be those three areas broken down for you so that you've got them as a checklist so that you can maybe maybe share it with your team so that they're looking at that and they're prioritizing that and or it's also a helpful reminder to you so as usual head over to my free resource library www.drmaryhand.com forward slash library where all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access to this week's resource across and as well as all of the free resources across all of my podcast episodes i hope that you have found that useful and that helps create a bit of calm in your family around this probably a particularly stressful time as ever if you have enjoyed this episode i would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so thank you so much for watching and i'll see you in the next video bye bye so until next time i started or not in 2013 and we make
Speaker 4bike apparel the best part of shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non-technical people we're able to admin everything on the back end front end and sell things online easily if shopify were a bike i think it would actually be the bicycle it's the thing that you do the thing on we run the business on shopify start your free trial on shopify.com
Speaker 2at harmony bank we believe that better happens together we're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions no big bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs harmony bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of texas hospitality we're harmony bank where better happens together
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