Ted Cruz + Kevin Pollak (Carolla Classics)

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They have a 90 day money back guarantee. So there is no risk for a limited time. Our listeners get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts at men. Go to mars.com. That's men. Go to mars.com for 50% off and three free gifts. When you check out after you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights, and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Corolla Show. If you like to gain access to the entire archive of the Adam Corolla Show, as well as the Adam Dr. Drew Show and the newer podcast, Beat It Out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's sub stack, adamcorolla.substack.com. Sign up, subscribe, listen ad free. Now let's get to the clips. Come a first day, we have Adam Corolla Show, featuring Kevin Pollak, David Wilde, Gina Grant, and Brian Bishop from 2015. And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man. O'Reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks. It's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road? You do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't If I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online. So you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one-stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly. Right, Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us at O'ReillyAuto.com slash Adam. That's O'ReillyAuto.com slash Adam. Good day, Gina Grant. Good day to you. And Bob Ryan. At the Dolce, I wanted your impression of Natalia from yesterday. Oh, the zipline. That's right, the zipline. Yeah. That's her sound with ziplines, apparently. Let me give you Sonny's impression of yesterday after the podcast. I put him on the zipline and I just went like, all right, let's just go on the zipline. We don't have to go from the top. We'll just go from the whatever. And he went close to the top and went down a time or two and then found him crying in his room moments later. Your exposure therapy session didn't work? Yeah, aversion therapy. He bounces back fairly quickly, but whoo, Jesus Christ, kid, it's a fucking zipline. Like, It's supposed to be fun. When I was eight, I was, what was insane, oh, good day, Bob Ryan. Yeah, that's what brought us all over here. Okay, sorry. And good day, David Wild. Salutations to you, Adam Carolla. What would freak me the fuck out is when Jimmy would bring his son over here when his son was like 10 or 11 and he'd be walking around the back of the shop and he'd like step over a go-kart and just keep walking. And if I, I, picture myself at age nine or 10 with their, a mini bike, a go-kart, something, a fucking football with no threads. I don't give a shit. I would have just been like, what, what is this? Whose is this? Does it run? Does it run? Can we start it up? Can we go for it? Like whatever it was, I learned to ride a unicycle because my dad was fucking some chick on the West side and her son had a unicycle, but he was gone. And my dad was just with this, hanging out with this chick all day. And I was bored as shit. And I just got his, his unicycle and I just went out in the street and I hung on to a Buick fender and I just kept going and going and going until I learned to ride the unicycle. There's no way I was going to walk past. I discovered a unicycle in the guy's house and a wheel in it. And that was it. And my kids give two flying shits about anything. Was your dad quite the Coxman? Is that what I'm picking up? The last couple of days I'm hearing things that I've never quite heard before. Yeah. My dad, my dad had when he wanted to a decent sense of humor and, and also was broken without being a full blown junkie, you know, like, like fixing, but not total rehab fixing, you know, just at least superficially. Yeah. Just enough for her to flip, you know what I mean? Just go in, put some sod down in the front yard, put a coat of paint on the fascia and get out of there. That was my dad. He was sort of like, like, you know, he needed to, he, he needed guidance from women. He's a completely helpless individual. So I think, I think it being the seventies, he had a, a fro and, you know, sort of decent sense of humor and need a little bit of fixing. I think that's, I think that's, that's what did it. And not having any standards whatsoever. I mean, whatever, anything with a vagina that showed him attention, you're in, you're in. If your son has unicycled that much better. See, I think you're, you're, my dad was like what you, my dad had a horrible rough childhood and he spoiled me and was very, made me a sensitive wuss. So, so you might have to be concerned that your son might turn out like me. I, uh, I shall go home and kill myself immediately. Maybe I'll just take the whole family out. All right. Uh, David Wild is here. I was watching the, uh, I, I, you know, the stuff in life you've seen a kajillion times. Give me the information I was asking for. If you can on the JFK funeral, um, JFK died. Turns out I only learned it now watching this, uh, Sinatra documentary. Um, so I, it's the iconic picture of, of John John saluting when the casket went by. I've seen this thing 200,000 times. Everyone's seen it 200,000 times. I saw it last night and I went, wait a minute. Why is he wearing a skirt? And then I realized he's wearing the same outfit that his sister, Caroline, I guess is wearing as well. I mean, it looks literally the same. And then I went, wait a minute. That was winter in DC. Yeah. Right. This is your November. This is your four year old or three year old. Like I would have, I would have Arlington's in DC though. Right. Good. All right. Thank you. Virginia. I think actually, or Virginia. Yeah. Outside the, the, the, the point is it's freezing. Right. And your kid is wearing underpants and a jacket or maybe wearing shorts, but they're pretty fucking short because you're saluting. And your jacket's lifting up and you know, I don't want to go weird uncle on you here, but his NAD sack can not be more than a half inch above the bottom of that jacket. And I'm still not seeing shorts. Are you? No, no. Thank God. Some had the guts to go after Jackie. Well, look, I, you grieve the way you grieve by, by giving your kids a horrible cold. Well, I look, he's wearing the shorts that Bruce Jenner wore and can't stop the music. They're literally, they're literally non-existent. And, and that's the thing. Maybe, maybe for the girl, maybe, but hot pants and Ruby slippers don't really say first family to me. They're both wearing. I'm now looking at this picture in color. They're wearing exactly the same outfit. Yeah. Jackie was very fashion forward. I call her Jackie because I never met her. She was totally gender neutral with her kids. My God, he can name drop people. He's never met. Is it not weird? Well, first off, should I, shouldn't he be wearing a black little suit? Yes. But then secondly, shouldn't he be wearing pants in November in Virginia? Yes. Yes. But, but you're right about the picture being in color, but it's way more egregious. Now a powder blue coat and red Ruby slippers for the funeral. They're both going exactly the same thing. Yes. Now somebody's got to tweet me and explain that this is some sort of Irish, whatever. But Brian, what are you making of this? Why not pants? Why no pants? The only thing I think of, It's not shorts weather. Nobody else is wearing, like, flip-flops. and Dolphin shorts, right? Even though they haven't been invented yet. I wasn't around in 1963, but I think I have this image of like school boys wearing super short shorts, like Angus Young shorts, like that sort of like semi-formal wear. I think Jackie was sort of in love with English culture. But do you see shorts? No, I don't. That's the only thing I can. Adam asked me what I make of it, and this is the only plausible explanation I can come up with. If his hand was down, the Jack would drop another three inches, and maybe we could make an argument for him wearing Bruce Jenner shorts. It's a tragedy he's not around to ask this question. He literally is wearing underpants, and I know they're ruffled. That's just me. So that's what I got out of the Sinatra doc. That and the kid was in a trunk for another three days. Show me a picture of Bruce Jenner from Can't Stop the Music, and then you guys can all have a nice laugh, and we can get on with our lives. All right. David Wild has decided in. He's working on a. What are you guys sitting down? An award show. Amazing. TV Land Awards. Which we did Saturday, and it airs Saturday, on TV Land, nine o'clock, or I think, yes. But it's hosted by Terry Crews, who I know you love, and who turned out to be the greatest, easiest guy to work with ever. Oh, my God. If it is possible for a man's jean shorts to get higher than his ball sack, would be if his ball sack was set free. Fuel. I feel like every place in L.A. I go to, I mean, I got to stand in line for 20 minutes for some mediocre sandwich. By the way, they screw up the order every time now, and that's why. I love using Huel instead. Their black edition powder has 40 grams of protein and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. It also has 27 essential vitamins and minerals, no artificial sweeteners, colors, or flavors. The ready-to-drink bottle, it's got 35 grams of protein, 7 grams of fiber, and it's under five bucks a meal. No more mediocre sandwiches. Try Huel instead. That's Huel. H-U-E-L. And now it's 15% off online for new customers. That's Huel. H-U-E-L. Am I right, Dawson? Limited time offer. Make healthy eating simple. Get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with our code ADAM at Huel.com slash ADAM. New customers only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show. One of the things I love most about the day is that during dinner time when we're all in the kitchen, we love to listen to music and like dance while we eat. I mean, it's probably a bad habit for my kids, but I love it. And we love listening to Amazon music. Like that's where we go for like our dance sessions around our kitchen counter. But you can also on Amazon listen to podcasts, audio books. I've seen that they have Verity. They have A Court of Thorns and Roses, Project Hail Mary, making it easy for you to listen to your favorite books or podcasts. Music, podcasts, audio books, all in one app. You know what I mean? Yeah. Thank God it's restrained. Bruce Jenner's ball sack is being artificially levitated by the jeans. But if they were let loose, and by the way, let's enjoy the sack while we can, folks. I was going to say, it's going to be let loose soon. We may want to bid it adieu. He'll be free of that burden. It looks like gold medal pudenda. But I'm just saying those shorts are as short as where the sack, shorter than where the sack would hang. Thank God they're belted. For the less they fall down. They're so short that we're not even paying attention to the half shirt. Yes. It was a great look. It looks like the seventh or eighth, I'm not sure, village person. Yes. We can't stop the music. They're in it. All right. So, TV Land. Oh, yeah. We did the show. It's going to air Saturday. And Terry Crews came in from New Mexico, where he's doing an Adam Sandler movie, killed it as the host. And I can't tell you too much about it. You can see it on TV Land. But he did theme songs in a way that is very, very entertaining. And so I thought I'd like to find out what everyone's favorite TV theme song of all time. I picked mine, and I want to know yours. Saturday, 9 p.m., by the way, on TV Land. Well, I'm going to start with the. I'm going to start with this one. I'm showing Brian this one. I'm going to start with this one, and then I'll end because I'm the host. I get to do two. I go back, deep cut, a little show called Ironside. Oh, my God. All the kids still buzzing about it. Quincy Jones. An amazing little piece of music. I always thought of this as the Kill Bill thing because I never saw Ironside. And he gets shot. Boom. Gets hit in the hip. That's what sends him down. Right. But dig the vibe. Yeah. Turn, crank it up. These were arrangements. Raymond Burr in a wheelchair. It sounds funkier than Raymond Burr in a wheelchair. Looks and cooks. This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't know why it had that theme song because the rest of the show was a 51-year-old guy just rolling around mumbling. What a great season. Yeah, but it had a. There should be a class action lawsuit saying this product had nothing to do with this theme song. It was Raymond Burr just rolling around from ramp to ramp and handicap van to handicap van. Like solving crime, but in a super slow motion, boring way. All right. Gina, what do you got? Well, it was a toss-up, but one edged out as a winner. I grew up loving these two theme songs because of TV Land, Nick and I. Car 54, Where Are You? and Family Ties. But the one that edged it out, the happiest song I've ever heard in my life, Webster. I have to apologize for the quality, but here it is. All right. I think someone recorded it off their TV. This is the best we can do. It's not the thing to do. Well, that's better. That makes it better. Ooh, it was you. I miss Alex Karras. You made me leap without taking a look. I never thought forever was the best I could do. Is somebody jerking off? Someone might be doing some weird talking along. My hands are on the desk. I don't know. I would just assume it all TV theme song. Someone is. Yeah. Somewhere. All right. It was back when. The best I could do on this for a notice. So what were they? The white family that adopted the black dwarf? George Papadopoulos. They adopted him? Are we sure? Yes, they adopted him. And he called her ma'am. That's right. Because it sounded like mom. And called him sir. I thought he called him George. Was it George and ma'am? Yeah. You saw the show way, way, way more than I did. Wow. Way, way, way more than I did. But it was super great. And the theme song went with the. It was always like, the pictures and he was floating away on a balloon and everyone was laughing. It was very happy. What do you got, Ball? I'm going to blow your mind. I brought this up years ago, maybe on a Music Monday. David Wall, I want your opinion of the song musically because I doubt you've ever heard it before. It's from a cartoon that was very popular when she and I were younger called DuckTales. And this song. I watched DuckTales with my kids. This song fucking cooks. I can do this all day. I'm sorry. For the one lesson. ♪ It's a duck blur ♪ ♪ Might solve a mystery ♪ Does not sound very 80s at all. ♪ Or rewrite history ♪ Here come the horns. ♪ You ♪ ♪ Every day that I've been looking ♪ ♪ DuckTales ♪ ♪ You ♪ ♪ DuckTales again ♪ You make fun of Huey Lewis? ♪ DuckTales again ♪ Huey Lewis wishes he could write this song. I think he did. When you see Jimmy Thursday night at the Newman premiere, tell him. I feel like Jimmy would like this. No, tell him about what you said about Huey. ♪ DuckTales ♪ ♪ You ♪ ♪ Every day that I've been making ♪ ♪ DuckTales ♪ ♪ You ♪ ♪ Tales of daring you ♪ ♪ Bad and good ♪ ♪ DuckTales ♪ ♪ You ♪ ♪ Not born yet ♪ I think it's the Adam Carolla theory. Add horns to anything and you. Add horns to anything. Well, no, horns. Well, for a kid's cartoon song, that's pretty fucking good. No, really good. Horns is to music what bacon is to food or casserole. It's like, you know, you take liver, you wrap it in bacon and now. That's insensitive. Sort of good enough. Very 80s. I think it got carved in your brain when your brain was. Oh, for sure. Definitely soft and missing a tumor. Or just developing a tumor. No, not a good song. Not a good song. Not a good song. Not a good song. Mine is a great song by. But the horns help. One of my favorite artists of all time, and you only heard a little of it in the TV show, but there's a little more to it. Courtship of Eddie's Father. Oh, we're playing my theme song. My theme song. ♪ Yeah, we're sitting here ♪ ♪ With David Wilde ♪ It's a great theme song. People have demanded to hear it. Well, yeah. We don't want to outrage the public. ♪ Not the best looking guy in the place ♪ ♪ Gallagher's hair ♪ ♪ DeVito's face ♪ Do you have a song? I've never heard this. ♪ Makes his pages for the Rolling Stone ♪ ♪ A brilliant writer ♪ ♪ The evidence shows ♪ ♪ Writing books is also part of his game ♪ ♪ If you hear a loud thud ♪ ♪ He's just dropping names ♪ ♪ Yeah, we're sitting here with David Wilde ♪ I love that song, but I have to admit, one of the reasons I've always embraced that song, I was so grateful that in the insult, weight was never one of the insults. It was, you know, ugly I could live with. DeVito's face. Character assassination. And DeVito, by the way, at the night before the Oscar party, I went with Phil Rosenthal, and DeVito was there, and I'd worked with him a few times, and we got a picture of us together. And I had to bend down to get into it. to the selfie, which was a big thrill. Diminutive. That is not my favorite. That is my favorite theme song, so thank you. It's Rich Banks, right? Yeah. Thank you, Rich Banks. This is my favorite. It's Harry Nielsen, Courtship of Eddie's Father, Best Friend. As a dad, as a kid, I loved it. Very Harry Nielsen. Yeah, and as a dad now, I love it. People let me tell you about my best friend. He's a warm-hearted person who loved me till the end of the people. Lots of shots of him and Bill Casby. I mean, Bill, Bixby on the beach and running around. People let me tell you about him. He's so much fun, whether we're talking man to man or whether we're talking son to son, because he's my best friend. When I moved to L.A. in 91, one of my dreams was to get to know and interview Harry Nielsen, who I worshiped, and then he died in the earthquake the day of the earthquake. I think it was the day before the earthquake, and his death got sort of overwhelmed by the earthquake. Harry Nielsen. Harry Nielsen died during the earthquake? Well, the story I always heard, and let's get someone who knows the truth. The story I heard is that I think he died the day before or something, but he was in the valley, I guess. And the story I always heard in the funeral home, like the body fell into, like, literally into the earthquake. I think that must be a fiction. You're talking about 94? I guess that was 94. Yeah. Yeah. But I love that song. And you can hear a lot of great TV theme songs on TV Land Awards. You can see Terry Crews killed it. He was just such an easy. Great guys you know, Adam. He's great. And you can see a reunion of freaks and geeks with, I actually had an amazing, right before we got going, Seth Rogen was hanging in the hallway looking like he didn't have anything to do. So I said, you want to, we have Carl Reiner in here. Do you want to come hang out with him? And they were hanging out. That was great. We have reunited the cast of Wonder Years, the cast of Ally McBeal. We did a little tribute to Joan Rivers. We did Jennifer Hudson performs. It was, it's, it's really, it was a fun show. People, by the way, if you want to hear Terry Crews, you can hear him on Take a Knee. Oh, he was great. That's what, that's where I became a total Terry Crews fan. He's such an interesting guy. Really impressive. Just a dynamo. And by the way, this is a story. We had a flyman from New Mexico where he was doing this movie. He arrived the day of the show. We talked to him on the phone like four days earlier, a week earlier. He got there, 6 a.m. or 5 a.m. flight. Coach Southwest is the only flight we could get him on. He was a big guy, obviously a footballer. No complaints, walks in on no, virtually no time for rehearsal, kills it. Like, he's just a total pro. Love that guy. All right. I got one more because it's my show. This is not Quincy, but sounds like Quincy Jones and just fucking kicks ass. Yes, yes. Oh, wait a minute. No. Oh, no, no, sorry. Is this Murder, She Wrote? No. No, it said the TV. Do I have the wrong thing or do you have the wrong thing? Yeah, you do. Oh, sorry, buddy. Yeah, I see it. Can you read that? Yeah, I see it. Mm-hmm. Sorry. Murder, She Wrote. The fuck? It sounded like. Not that bad, but not this. You are such an Angela Lansbury type. Now, this. Oh. This is frigging killer. Mod Squad. Do you like Mod Squad? I don't give a shit. I love it. I like this fucking song. Earl Hagen. Because I love it when it kicks. It kicks it. It's got tons of horns, but it kicks another. Kicks to another gear. This isn't Quincy? I thought it was Quincy. Sounds like Quincy. I think it is Quincy. Says Earl Hagen. Quincy ended up marrying Peggy Lipton. That's right. I know, from the Mod Squad. He jumped in later. All right, listen. This is great. This is great. Yeah. I've never heard that before. You win. You win. That does fucking kick ass. That kicks ass. And we heard a sort of tinny, you know, online version of it. But if you hear that song, and you hear in its full majesty, it fucking kicks ass. He doesn't wake up. He doesn't wake up. But if I can get Quincy to come here, would you have him as a. No. Not Quincy Jack Klugman. Quincy Jones. Yeah, I've been seeing him all over this whole Sinatra thing, too. That's the best. So you're not someone who needs lyrics? No. I just want to hear some driving. By the way, this story about the three-day or the three-hour tour or the mom. When it tells the story, when it gets you up to speed, it's kind of shoved in there, right? Well, is it helpful or is it shoehorned? I think so. Well, it's helpful for the first episode when you're nine. Yes. But there's no. There's nobody walking around now who, if you remove the theme from the Brady Bunch, wouldn't know what the fuck it was about. Totally lost. And I have to say, for some reason, I'm surprised I thought you were going to be a Magnum P.I. guy. No. No, no, no. He's a Magnum condom guy, but not a P.I. The Partridge family has the same theme in that they tell the sort of. The story. The story of the Partridge family. By the way, the Partridge family, far superior to the Brady Bunch, never shown in syndication. I love some of that music. I'm going to point me in the direction of Albuquerque guy every time. The Drifter Girl. It kind of leads into Sammy John's and Chevy Man. It's that good. Chevy fan. All right. We got something? Nope. Take a phone call? All right. Phone calls. Let's see. Projects. College student writing a paper on affirmative action. Sounds controversial. Hey, Harrison, 20, South Carolina. Hey, how's it going, Adam? Good. What's up? What's going on? Nothing much, man. I'm a second-time caller. I'm stoked that you took my call. Yeah, I'm a student at the University of South Carolina, and I got to write a paper on affirmative action. Go Cocks! I wanted to get in there. I chose the topic because I think it's interesting. I wanted to get your take on it, though. Affirmative action in general? Is this a history class? Is affirmative action still a thing? No, it's actually for human resources. It's a human resources class. Oh, EOE. Yeah, so sorry. So, like, you know, yeah, hiring people, you know, maybe if you have any past experiences with it, you know. Well, yeah, I tried to be a fireman in L.A. County and was told to go home. Look, I would like, first off, I like the notion of affirmative action, which is, hey, let's help this group. Let's help this group. Whatever group that group is, let's help this group. Unfortunately, the government's application of it always gets fucked up. I would like affirmative action to be less based on race and or gender and more on just pure economics, meaning when I went to go apply to be a fireman at the North Hollywood fire station across from the North Hollywood Park in 1983 when I was just fucking flat broke and the economy sucked and I had barely any education but thought this is something I would be good at. I played football in high school. I was sort of ballsy. I didn't I didn't have I didn't have much regard for myself. I was willing to train and like work hard and stuff like that. And they told me to pack it up because I was white. And that was it. And I was poor. I just happened to be the wrong color. I don't you know, look, if your grades are great and you're Asian and you want to get in UCLA, fucking tough shit for everyone else. I mean, you're essentially you can go, well, we're helping this one person. Right. But. You're essentially punishing somebody else unless you have an infinite amount of spots at UCLA or an infinite amount of spots as L.A. firefighters, which evidently they don't because when I signed up seven years later, I got my test date and stood in line, as I've told you many times at Hollywood High with a very short brown skinned girl. I don't know what her ethnicity was, but she was short and brown. She was about 100 pounds. And I couldn't stop asking people when they signed up because that period of time in your life. From 19 to like 26 is just an eternity. Oh, sure. Fucking eternity. And I was like, my God, I'm just getting their contacting. They sent a letter to my dad's house. I was still living at my dad's house. My dad just said, this came for you in the mail. And I asked the girl behind me, when did you sign up? And she said Wednesday. And I was like, why is this fucking fair? I'm poor. In her defense, it was Thursday. That's true. No, it was probably Saturday. Either way, we try. I would like everything to be merit based. Plus. What about the black guys walking around Yale who's there because he deserves to be there and all the white folk are looking at him going, oh, he had a lower SAT than the Jewish guy who's down the hall. So for me, it's one of those things where it was a good idea, maybe necessary at some point in 2015. Let's just all focus. The message it sends is kind of a weird message. Also, I don't need complete balance at UCLA. I don't need complete balance of the L.A. Fire Department. I don't need complete balance of the NBA. I don't need complete balance of security at L.A.X. I'm willing to. I work on a TV production right now. There is eight dudes who are cameramen. One of them's black. Super cool guy. One. No Asians. No Hispanics. Just white dude. Cameraman job. That's the deal. I'm fine with that. I'm sure Quincy Jones worked with a lot of dudes that weren't relatives of the white cameraman. That's what they do. I don't know it's certain groups and certain cultures are attracted to certain things why not I I mean I don't I don't like the one like I know a guy my electrician Jose Jr. and Jose Sr. Jose Jr. has been kicking around with Jose Sr. since he was about 12 I've been with these guys since uh it's been about 15 years now and I've seen this guy turn into a man and I've seen his dad teach him how to be a journeyman electrician and now they got a couple of vans and the son is not junior not a little boy anymore and he makes a nice living for himself and he's a total pro and these guys just came over and we got the Tesla and put the 240 on the driveway so we get the fast charge and blah blah blah I don't know he wants to be an electrician he doesn't want to go to UCLA and is probably making more money than a lot of the folks he graduated high school with who may have went off to UCLA and been a you know art history major or something like that what's wrong with that okay so there's not enough diversity so we don't have enough Asian electricians I don't know of any Asian electricians I've never seen an Asian electrician I've been doing the trades for 25 years I've never seen an Asian electrician I'm not bothered by it they're not they don't gravitate toward it Harrison I want to tell you I'm pro-affirmative action but then you get to the point where my oldest son just applied to college and all of a sudden you start thinking maybe it's not so good and thank God my son my son I'm proud of him he got into Berkeley and UCLA but that was something I didn't think could happen because you know he it's not easy for the what the message does it send what message does it send to whoever the affirmative action is there for hey gimp you're not you're not up to our standard but we're gonna we're gonna make some we'll let you in because I don't is there affirmative action for Asians I think Asians are discriminated against at UCLA I think they're out here they're discriminated against at Stanford I actually read an article on it uh they're they're getting too many Asian students at Stanford they're having to start turning them away right I think I think it's it's it was high times for Asian students at UCLA that was the the cliche was there were so many Asian students at UCLA all right well look uh their families stay intact and they focus on education what should we do working out smack them for it dare they yeah do you practice affirmative action sexually with any any I do I do I feel like everyone needs a fair chance the Asian students are discriminated against at Stanford I actually read an article on it and I think it's really important to do that and I think it's it's really important to do that I think it's it's really important to do that I think it's really important to do that I think it's important to do that I think it's really important to do that I think it's really important to do that the the scary part that I see though is is you start turning away these really really smart Asians or East Indian people and you take in the the lesser say the the whitey or the or the African-American yeah they pass whitey for for for uh for medical reasons and you start bringing in these doctors and they're not as smart as say the Asian or the Indian and now you have you know uh stupid doctors they're not as smart of doctors who who could you know have another beer bong there yeah all right listen Harrison get that transcribed that last little bit Adam said just turn that into your paper yeah I like everything to be just utterly merit-based and I understand the part where certain groups may have been hobbled from historically hobbled but what I am just here to tell you is again well everything back to uh the like sort of look at it we laugh it off but John John wearing the short blue and no pants oh man that's funny upsetting Sinatra talking about growing up in Hoboken and how he opened their parents opened a tavern and they're called it like PJ O'Leary's or something and like Irish name why not give it an Italian name well the Italians were discriminated against they were looked down upon lower class okay there was a lot of Jewish fighters back in the day because that's what they had to do to make a living and they were discriminated against and they were discriminated against there were Irish there were historically this country is a historically have has had a second class often and then the good news is you work super hard you focus on education you hear Sinatra's mom busting her hump and taking three jobs my grandfather was a golden glove boxer you know look what happens in a generation and a half right to you know there there you go the evolution of man so do you think at this point the ship has been righted no I think the ship will never be righted I am saying you can go well slavery oh man and then you can go yeah but Japanese American internment camps a hundred years later or 50 years later whatever whatever 70 70 years later whatever whatever it was everybody Armenian genocide you know whatever you want to throw out there potato famine or whatever you Frank Sinatra could tell you a bunch if he was around would tell you a bunch of stories about being spit on or discriminated against for being whatever that's always going to exist the message is that you have to be righted you have to be righted you have to used to be come here to the united states work super hard and get out of that but it was never we're gonna we're gonna pay the mortgage on your bar and you can call it sinatras no they did what they had to get along and you kind of go well it's isn't it sad that they had as italians had to change their bar name to an irish name to try to try to get business in there it is sad i agree but they did it they worked hard sinatra became a kajillionaire and that's all i'm saying i at this point i don't like the message it sends everyone raise your kids bust your hump and i don't know what's it feel like knowing that a bunch of asians and eastern indian kids got shoved aside so they can make room for you and eventually we're gonna have to do it for the blue-eyed devil too because the balance is not going to be good devil your kid's the last one to get into school on his all right it's a misfit speaking of merits burger king baby the croissant which i love these guys we talk about this all the time anything better than the breakfast sandwich i say no there is nothing better then when you wrap in a croissant that's it start the day do it too flaky buttery croissant which is egg sausage they got the cheese and bacon and egg uh whatever get one each it's two for uh four bucks such a deal as uh wild's people would say get one for you get one for a co-worker win over your boss swedish don't say that it's a croissant which uh it's breakfast sandwich now just uh two for four bucks only at burger king limited time only price participation vary across yes was there a small tear running down your face when he was describing the flakiness and butteriness i felt it was erotically charged the way he was reading that you thank you no one sells a french pastry french pastry at a burger king like you do thank you that's been said many times but it always feels good steve 40 from new jersey yes sir hey what's going on fan of road hard man it kicked ass oh thanks for watching it i appreciate that yeah red shrinkage too brian's great hey thanks man appreciate that and uh you know gina i love your boobs thank you very much i appreciate that david wild i love your boobs i knew that i was gonna throw that in but i i knew it was coming steven stick around for a while enjoy him enjoy him while he's a c cup yeah because he's moving down to training yeah he is 58 down today 58 congratulations wow mazel tov all right go ahead steve so i have a friend a guy i've been friends with for about 20 years and he was telling me that he was uh looking to buy a house the other day and i guess it was a couple months ago and he had seen one of the houses across the street had an american flag on it and his comment to the realtor was is that something i have to worry about what does that mean the realtor said well what do you mean he says well why would that guy have an american flag you know is it is uh and uh the realtor said well you know the american yeah it is sad that the that flying the american flag like let's say at a college or something would be controversial yeah these days what could the possible controversy be i mean from this guy's there for the neighbor well it's now out there that it comes up a lot but i don't know what what he thinks what's his beef his beef is that uh he assumes that this guy is i guess trying to rub it in people's faces i mean it's in westchester new york so it's it's not like there are you know uh guys named julio running around it's westchester when did i i don't i i've said this a million times i'm the only one who will say it but everybody you're here because your country's probably a piece of shit and you had to you didn't you didn't come here you fled whatever it is you were and now you're here and you're here and you're Good news. We'll take you in. Enjoy. Learn the language. Fly the flag. It's good. You can eat your home cooking if you like. There's plenty of restaurants to cater to everybody. But when did we start getting so, when did we become so controversial to be American? It's not a Dixie flag. Like, is he worried the guy's like a. Michigan militia? Yeah. Dukes a hazard fan? Exactly. Well, I don't know. I mean, I thought it was weird. I'll tell you why I think it's a good idea. I like, I'll tell you the two things that'll keep the bad guys away. American flag and don't tread on me. That says I'm packing. That says I got a fucking gun. American flag says I got a gun. It's in a safe. Don't tread on me says I'm cleaning it now. So enter at your own risk. Right for business. I'm telling you. you, if you're a potential thief and you see the minivan with all the family members and stick figures, including three cats, bust right on in. Go ahead. Take what you like. Rape everyone in the house. But when you see the don't tread on me flag. Think twice. Think fucking twice. Okay. That's what I'm saying. Little messages. I think, you know, they talk about cops profiling. Who does more profiling than criminals? Oh, right. That's a great point. They have to. Criminals, they don't see Terry Crews walking down the street and go, let's go get that guy's wallet and iPhone. There's the mark. Right. They find the elderly lady. They run up to her and snatch her purse. Speaking of the police, Adam, I know you don't like when things you say are reinforced as being true, but after you talked about the police and what it's like when you call them and you and Brian sort of acted it out, my son's car was broken into and I made the call to the police and it was like the improv thing. They went, yes, and like, right. I said, well, are you going to come out here and maybe get the prints, you know, look at what they, they said, what, what, what, what, if you want, if you want, you can come to Wilcox. They said, you can come to our, you can come down to us. Yeah. You know, actually what the LAPD is doing is I, I have this theory and I've, I've shared it before, but this theory that if you don't mind being humiliated, you can get someone else to pick up every check by just being the cheap guy. You can be the guy who does nothing but fucking bitch and bellyache and no one will ever ask you to help them move on a weekend. You, if you want to be that guy or that girl, if you want to be that person, you can kind of be that person who never gets any bad news or asked to borrow money from or pick up any tabs or whatever. Having no shame. And I realized that my dad did this and my mom did it. My, my dad and mom went and still go through life. Their biggest fear is that someone's going to ask them for something. Could they borrow money? Could they pay for college? Could they give them a ride somewhere? Could they provide some food for them? Could they do something for them? That's my parents' biggest concern. And my dad who admitted it to me as an adult, I said, dad, admit that you played sort of almost possum in life. Like my dad had a sort of Walter Mitty sort of clumsy kind of, I'm no use to, you don't want me helping you move that aquarium. There's going to be a fuck. Fucking huge. There's going to be a bunch of fish flopping around on the driveway. Like you don't want me to pick you up from the airport. I won't, I'll fuck the date up. I'll be there two days early or two days late. Like you don't, you don't borrow money from me. I don't have, I don't have money. Like you go through life just announcing you're broke all the time, announcing your back hurts all the time, announcing that you're just a fucking bumbling mess. And eventually people sort of like, yeah, they get the hint, but they just sort of become like alley cats. There's no saucer of milk out on the back. Ports, they go, they go right past that house. And my parents successfully convinced me to leave them alone about 11 and a half or 12. Like I was like, and you're their feral pussy on their feral pussy. Yes. I love that name. My point is, is when it came time for, I don't know, college or a letterman jacket, I played two years of varsity. Well, I don't talk about my high school playing days. We're just as once. I mean, people need all central Valley first team. I don't like to talk about it, but I didn't, I don't have a letterman. Jacket. The reason I don't have a letterman jacket is it was like $71. I don't have yearbooks because there were $14. Like I wasn't going to bother those assholes or anything because I knew I'd get that. What you want to want letterman jacket. At what point in all of this is your dad becoming a therapist and beginning to advise other people on how to live their life when this is while you were in high school? No, this is probably a good decade later. Okay. So I sort of would, I'd come in thinking, God, it'd be cool to have a letterman jacket. Okay. I'd see my dad on the sofa reading some Leo Buscaglia book or something. And I just look at him and go, yeah, no, you got to look it up. I'd say, uh, and I'd go like dad and he'd go like, what? And I'd go, eh, nevermind. Like, I just went, nevermind. It was beat out of me. Food, money, every college money, jackets, everything, every yearbooks, everything, not pictures on picture day and stuff. I wouldn't bring the packet. I wouldn't bring the packet home to see how many wallets I had. My dad fucking didn't have a wallet. What do you have? Credit cards, cash. So not only did they not want to give you the money for pictures, but they didn't want a picture of you. It's unclear what they wanted. Double down on not caring. It was never discussed. The point is my sister ran away and I went to everyone else's house and ate dinner and they couldn't have been happier because, Hey, guess who doesn't have to cook tonight? Win, win, win, win. Okay. The LAPD is doing the exact. Fucking thing to the people that pay their goddamn salaries. Because the other day my wife was saying, I'm going to call the cops because blah, blah, blah. And I was like, eh, you're going to be on hold for 20 minutes and they're not. I pay a shitload in taxes, a fucking, fucking garbage barge worth of fucking taxes in this piece of shit city. And every time I or my wife or anyone around me says, I'm going to call the LAPD as a fucking citizen of this town. I'm like. They're going to humiliate you. They're going to turn it on you. You're going to be put on hold for 20 minutes. They're going to tell you they can't come to. You're going to have to come down to them. It's not even. I'm sure complaints have gone down like 186% because everyone's just like, are you next time your son gets his car broken into and they steal the laptop, are you going to call the LAPD? No, I'm just going to buy him a Letterman jacket, whether he's on the team or not. That's right. Just buy it. I'll buy it off a Christian kid who's much more. But honestly, would you? Would you after the experience you had yesterday? Yes. And when you're when you're reaching for the phone, looking at the broken glass on the passenger side of your son's car, would you think I should call the LAPD? Or if your wife said, call the PD, you'd be like, eh, let's not. What's the point? You'll be on hold. And then they're going to tell you. And then they're not going to. I'll be literally exactly as you said. That's what I'm. And I got the excitement of trying to do the get justice right. Knocked out of me. Right. So that's why the guy who had. His computer stolen three years ago in Pasadena told them the guy had a gun, so they would roll on it. Now there's a dead kid because the cops thought he had a gun because he's an insane person who wanted his computer back and realized they don't roll on personal property being stolen from citizens who pay their fucking payroll every fucking month. They only roll if there's a gun. There's a weapon. Steve, is that is your question about the flag flying and your friends and neighbors? Oh, OK. All right. Has he played football? He's fine. Steve. He's fine. He's got boobs. All right, Steve. You good? Yeah, man. All right, man. All right. We got a man. And by the way, she allowed me to take a selfie with her, so I can confirm that to be true. I have photographic evidence and it's delightful. Thank you. All right. Let's see. We got another question. I'm wild about music here. Oops. Let's see. There we go. Mark 27, New Jersey. Hi, Adam. What's up? Doing good. Kevin. Kevin Pollack coming up here in a couple of few. He's funny. He is. Awesome. Awesome. Gina. Crazy voices. What's up, Baldwin? In the process of rereading your book? Rereading? I don't know about that. So did you buy two in case you want to read it again? Same book. Well, obviously. Right. Good. Good answer. Thank you, Mark. Nice. You're welcome. Gina, welcome to the show. You're fitting in great. Thank you. And David Wild, how are you? Uh-oh. As long as it's not a boob comment, I'm good. Thank you. I want to ask David Wild real quick if I could get his opinion on the Beastie Boys before I get to my question. I like them a lot more than Adam. Don't pick that scab. Don't tug at that thread. I think they're perhaps the greatest Jewish hip-hop group ever. I agree with that. Perhaps. More than Run-D.M.C., Berg, or any of the others. LL Cool J. Day. Wu-Tang Stein. Exactly. Hebrews with an attitude. No, I like them more than Adam. But I tend to like Paul's Boutique. That's the record that kills me. I just think that's a great album. It's amazing. Everyone loves it. All right. All right, cool. Well, my question was. All right. I know, Adam, before you got into radio with Kevin and Bean and Loveline and all that, I know you had tried to do. Just rereading that talk about Charlie, you were talking about how you had tried to do stand-up. You'd done some open mics before that. And I was just curious if you had. Like, if you had gotten your career started in stand-up, like if you had gone to Rooster T. Feathers or wherever and killed it, how do you think your career in show business would have gone differently than it has? I have no idea. I never think about these things. I have only thoughts about things I can control. I don't have a lot of what-ifs and what-abouts. I mean, I just don't. I have a brain that is so sort of weirdly pragmatic. And then I also obsess over John John wearing a miniskirt at his dad's funeral. But I got. Again. I'll do it again. College, high school football. Sure, sure. I got recruited to play at a bunch of colleges. I never went to any of those colleges. I went to a construction site and cleaned up garbage. How would my. If I'd went to one of these schools, like UC Davis or Cal Poly Pomona or something, imagine what my life could have been if I went to a college. It would have been vastly different. Did you literally not visit any of the ones that. No. You think it's because a parent didn't say, let's go check him out. My group of parents is like touring the country like they're. their fog hat. Oh, right. Oh, my God. Every college and, you know, it's so weird because I do I completely identify when they talk about, you see, when when when they talk about, oh, the inner city and in its impoverishment and, you know, the family's broken up and, you know, growing up living, you know, hand to mouth and blah, blah, blah, all that stuff. I try to tell people all the time, it's not that it's not the money part, because as a kid, you're kind of just a kid, you play, you know, you find something to eat, you watch your TV shows, whatever it is, you don't need you don't even most people who are poor didn't even realize they were poor. And they'll tell you, I didn't know we're poor. I used to play with my brother outside all the time or whatever it is, or we had we're close or mama may do kind of thing. It's the mentality. It's a mentality part. So like when you hang out with David Wilde in that click, it's just, well, it's time to go look at colleges. When is it? Well, it's pre SAT time and then it's SAT time and then it's start. Where's your colleges? It's no different than orthodonture. Every Jewish kid who went to North Hollywood High had braces. Every non-Jewish kid didn't have braces. Were the Jewish kids teeth fucked up anymore? No, their parents cared. They was part of the, you know, and then the one kid would show up with the brace and go. Well, you should have your son or daughter looked at and then they'd go, but it was all part of the thing, the culture. Well, the culture swings both ways and the culture isn't ever like, well, let's go out and gangbang or let's, let's go do some drive-bys. It's just the culture is like, we don't go to college. We don't go on vacation. Like we don't get, we, I don't know anyone who did it. I, I never, I, I didn't take the SATs. None of my friends took the SATs. It's not like Ray and Chris were taking the SATs. I have to give credit to Jewish women. I think about this a lot. Like I, I don't think if I was in charge of anything, any of this would happen in my family, but my wife is like Jewish women are to worrying what, you know, black men are to basketball. They are the head of the head of the head of the, I want to say head of the spear. That could be. Wow. Wow. Can we keep that in? So my wife worried about every bit of this, including like you just said, vacations. Like I've not, I would never think to plan a vacation. But my wife realized my son's going to college and all of a sudden I know I'm going to Italy. I found out a week ago that I'm going to Italy in a couple of weeks. I would never have thought of it. You're out there writing jokes for huge black folks to do the TV Land Awards on occasion. It's mostly Terry Crews and LL Cool J. The guys that go over 235. Well built. Well built. Proportionate. My wife said when she met LL, she goes, that's a real man. Yes. And I said, I have to, I wish I could be offended, but I have to agree. She's been fucking a placeholder for 26 years. So sad. But the point is you went out and made money. Yes. She worried. Yes. She planned the vacations. You under writ or wrote the vacations. With her help. Yes. She works. Okay. But I'm saying she's worrying. She's doing what she's doing. Don't, don't be down on yourself. You're out gathering the wood and bringing it back. Gathering the wood for a show patter as it were. So as far as the culture goes, once the culture takes a swing toward why are you taking the SATs better yet? Fuck you for taking the SATs. Now you're fucked. Now the culture's fucking heading in the wrong direction in a big way. But it's just part of a, like, it's, it's not about, everyone talks about money. It's not about money. It's a mindset. The folks that come here, we talking about before a lot of the Asian cultures, they don't come here with a pillowcase filled with money. They come here with a culture. The culture's like, go, you better start studying. You better crack those books. You better hit those SATs, PSATs, whatever. And then we're going out looking for college. And then the answer is who's going to pay for college. We'll make it work or your grades will be so fucking good. You'll get a scholarship. That's got not, we do everything. Everything we do is sort of race or money or both. And it's not what it's not. It's, it's a mindset and whatever your skin color is, however, whatever your income level, when you get into that mindset of, well, uh, you know, you work and you know, for a while and then you die and you're looking forward to the weekends and nothing ever works out. And you know, we're going to get some shit job somewhere after we graduate high school. If we graduate high school, because who gives a shit? No, these guys, Ray, Chris, me, we all had letters from colleges for like, what are we going to do? We're going to tell my dad to go, Hey, I got to get a plane ticket. I got to go to Willamette. I need a ticket to Portland. I'm going to go on the campus. You're going to come with me. Like what? We'll sell my letter. Oh, never got off the fucking sofa. But here's a big question. Do you have an engine because you have an engine or do you have an engine because they didn't do that? And you eventually realized you were going to have to do it for yourself. Cause that's what I realized is all these kids who have the mothers who worry like mine, will they have the engine? I had an engine for different reasons because of things in my fucked up family. But do you, you know, engine is. Engine is tough to create, uh, good or bad. Uh, I didn't always have an engine. That's what I try to tell people all the time. I didn't have an engine. I just, I was so miserable with my lot in life. I just realized you better grow a set of engines, right? It's like bottoming out and, uh, for AA, right. You needed to realize that you needed to sink or swim. Once you get the engine, the engine becomes this sort of self perpetuating sort of perpetual motion machine that grows bigger. And the more you do, the more you can do and so on and so forth. But mine was born of misery for sure. Can I make two observations about that point in your life? One small observation, obviously, you know, your parents, lack of enthusiasm, the culture of your friends, their parents was a big, big part of why you didn't end up playing college football, but a fair amount of blame used to go to your coaches. Like they should have gotten the letters. They should have guided you. Like they, the coaches should know how to get their kids into college like that. Every respectable coach coaching in high school. If they're doing it for a living, it's going to help their kid get visits or talk to coaches and selfishly. It makes them look good. Yeah, of course. If the kids are playing in college programs. Yeah. So I'm saying, of course, a majority of the, you know, you getting one of your guys into Lewis and Clark is a real feather in your cap as a football coach. If he's playing college football, I think that's a good thing. And to be fair, you know, North Hollywood was sort of just, uh, just a holding tank for, for folks. Who, you know, didn't want to be truant. Um, coach Nielsen, it was probably 67, 70. I mean, I don't know how old he was, but he was, he was a couple of years away from retiring and he'd get the letters sent to him. They pass the letters on to me. I'd look at them and be flattered by them. Like, Ooh, this is cool. UC Davis used to send me their newspaper. Ooh, that's good. I got their school newspapers and Manila envelope would show up and it's a Cal Poly Pomona on a seven. And I just look at it and I'd even leave it out for my dad to see it every once in a while. Like, Ooh, I'll just leave this around. But it, it never came up. But the reason it never came up is because guess who didn't want to get on a plane and go to Portland. Guess who didn't want to pay for a partial scholarship or books or, you know, whatever meals or whatever it is that would be incurred with his son going to college. Guess who didn't want to do anything. So anything was better than something. No. And just to see what it's like now. Like this weekend, I got a call saying, can you meet with Ludacris and Chrissy Teigen, who are hosting the Billboard Awards, who were, and I said, no, I got to go to Berkeley with my kid. Wow. And they moved the meeting to the next day. It's been 10 solid minutes. It's an eight. He dropped an institution and a supermodel. And an FU. I don't know how to say her name. Chrissy. I love her. I just didn't want to pronounce it wrong. Well, you did. Now. Yes. So. But here's what. Here's what everyone needs to understand. And the Jews got this one figured out. Asians got this one figured out. And whitey and blacky and Chicano, we need to figure this one out a little bit better. The problem is this. My dad's plan seemed like a good plan. But. You know, statistically, I should be uninsured right now. Have a couple of years. Have a couple of roommates and be constantly hitting him up for money. Of course. And then if shit goes bad for him, don't look at me. I'm a renter. I got a Ford F-150 that has 200,000 miles on it. That's about the best I can do. And then I would be sitting around waiting for him to die versus leasing him a car. So what they don't really work out. The part of it they don't work out is they create this miniature, lazy, undereducated, ne'er-do-well, low self-esteem-y, possible in and out of rehab and a couple of DUIs and maybe an arrest or something for possession. And they got to go bail them out and all. It's great. You get to avoid raising your children and spending a penny on your children and paying for college and letterman jackets and all kinds of stuff. But the fiddler will get paid later on in life. I choose to blame your mom. I think most men are kind of like if they need to be led in these. Domestic affairs slightly. And the maternal instinct needs to kick in to protect you. You bring up a good point because my grandmother ruined my life. mom made her unable to work or cope or do whatever it took to get along in life and she then lived in my grandmother's rental property in north hollywood for about 41 years so my grandmother in in lieu of raising her daughter she broke her daughter and now in lieu of renting out her north hollywood rental property she has her broken daughter flopping in it on a fucking sofa with a sheet on it but that woman that mother her mother married a jewish guy right yes he should have done something there's a juice somewhere in the neighborhood oh he had to do it elected his dude laszlo showed up long after the die had been cast and then backed over by a zamboni number one number two all poor laszlo gorog would do when he would look at the fucking goyim corolla sitting around he'd just look at us and go what the fuck what are you doing how does this work corolla in yiddish is oh he'd just go like what the oh my god when my sister ran away and nobody looked for her he was like what is wrong with you people that's your daughter's out there go look for her and he was out looking around all the time and they're like all the family's on where we live wow he couldn't believe it he couldn't believe these people like why aren't you cooking your kid goes to school with no lunch like what the fuck is wrong with you people i just remember thinking he's just like what you fucking guys what a pile of shit how do i get involved with this all right mark does answer your question about his career all right we got it mark you're good all right buddy you're fine all right let's see uh winning the racing life paul newman that is coming up uh this thursday el capitan theater tickets all the money's going to um the charities and we're figuring out ways to crane the newman cars into the roosevelt hotel for the after party yes it crane into the roosevelt one i'm bringing a four that's not a chance and literally be craned in but uh what about that back parking lot can't they put some in the back parking lot they can but we were doing it in the roosevelt and we want to go uh we want to go indoor so uh that's the post party lots of celebs and all that kind of stuff uh david wild of course you're invited i hope you got your invitation at some point not yet what the well you're officially invited oh no thank you i've seen the movie i recommend if you even if you can't see the movie i recommend it i recommend it i recommend it i recommend it you can't see it in that star-studded environment see it because it's really really something special thank you uh and uh road hard available as we speak only 999 you can own it on itunes we'll take a quick break kevin pollack out there he's got a movie about comedy we'll do that next it's time for nicaraguan name that movie with adam's buddy oswald see if you can guess which movie this famous line is from the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist if you said the usual suspects the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist you're correct now back to the show kevin pollack in studio i have an addendum to that uh answer you could have also said uh another movie i did end of days with arnold schwarzenegger the exact same line somehow ended up in that movie really yes also i found out yesterday that's arnold's third largest successful worldwide box office film which blows my mind so it did not do well here not as big here but we do forget about the rest of the movie we're going to talk about the rest of the movie we're going to of the world. I love to forget about the rest of the world. We're number one at forgetting about the rest of the world. That's why we're number one. USA! That's not necessary. Misery Loves Comedy is the name of the movie. Kevin is directing this bad boy. I directed it, yes. We premiered it at the Sundance. And I don't know how it couldn't be funny. It's got Larry David and Jimmy Fallon, Judd Apatow, Amy Schumer, Tom Hanks, Chris Hardwick, Martin Short, Bob Saget, and more in this thing. But it's a documentary, right? Yes, sir. And so tell me, first off, nice that you're been around and that respected in the comedy community that you can take all these, you know, A-listers and stuff for Hardwick and sit down and talk to them about comedy. But what is the gestalt of the movie? Oh, it's so nice to hear that word come from your face. It is good, isn't it? Uh-huh. It really is. Fancy. So it was brought to me. The concept as well as the wonderful title, a little wordplay, this woman, Becky Newhall, decided she wanted to do a documentary about comedians specifically who suffered from clinical depression. She spent a little time with Norm Macdonald. So proper response. So then she was talking to a producer that I had been developing a script of mine for me to direct. She mentioned, I was in the documentary and he knew of my doing the chat show internet thing that I do that you were a guest on. I loved doing it. We just celebrated six years by the way. I am down for driving across town and doing a Kevin Pollack's chat show anytime he'd like me to do it. Yes, please. I'd love to have you on to talk about your film, actually. Sure. Whatever you'd like. So he knew that I'd been doing that at the point for five years, that I had some sort of interview skills, that I had a Rolodex, that I could book funny people, and that I wanted to direct a film, and all these things made sense to him and to her. And then with the concept, do you have to be miserable to be funny? And I wanted to broaden it bigger than that. So that's the third act, and the first two acts are getting to know these people, and also just finding out who the hell chooses this as a profession, the pursuit of laugh from total strangers. What kind of person is that? Available, by the way, on iTunes, and in select theaters, April 24th. But iTunes today. So you can get it on iTunes now, if you like. Later this week, I think Video On Demand also hits this week, and then Tribeca Film Festival next week, along with theaters. Well, Larry David, we saw on 60 Minutes a few weeks ago, and we get the idea. It seems like what you see is what you get with Larry David. But Jimmy Fallon, totally different guy. Completely different. Crazy happy. Sensibility. Seems to be insanely happy. Right. What is the through? If you're a scientist, and you're looking for the gene that they both possess, what could possibly be the same that these two individuals would possess? Well, they definitely possess, and Jimmy's found the revelation, Jimmy Fallon's take on it, the revelation, I think the takeaway is he needs to get laughs much more than we might have thought. He felt it was a drug forever. And, which a lot of people do, actual endorphin released while you're on stage, in that brain of yours. Did you not think about it? You've got all the attention. Most cases people have paid just to see you. You get to take them on a ride of your choosing for an hour. You control the highs and the lows, and the energy in the room. The sense of control alone doesn't exist in life. Right. Let alone getting all that adulation from total strangers sitting in the dark. Well, you and Jimmy Fallon have a gift. With the voices? Yes, that you've worked on, like LeBron James and his athleticism. He was born, you know, Herschel Walker's a specimen, and then he never stopped working out, and doesn't smoke or drink, and then he plays in the NFL, and now maybe the UFC. But either way, you got the gift. You can choose to ignore it and be the guy who works at the loading dock who does all the funny voices, or you can embrace it, nurture it, work it, and build a craft with it. But the first thing I think we could all agree that Kevin Pollak and Jimmy Fallon have is the ability to mimic, to do impersonation impressions. And I always say, I say it's my wife, not funnier than me, but can mimic much better than me. Like, does people that she knows, friends of ours and stuff like that, has a funny sort of gift for mimicry. And then we all know people, I don't know what percentage of people can take their tongue and turn it into a taco. But I can't do shit with my tongue, but stick it out. Everyone else can, I know guys who can flip their tongue over backwards and forward. I have a friend who can roll his tongue, and I have the ones who can turn it into a taco. Now, is that something we should praise them for? Or are they just born that way? And can you just be born with a sense of humor? Does it all have to come out of a need to be liked, or the spotlight, or the horrible angst and the horrible childhood? That's the first two acts of the movie, really. The transition from a four-year-old. All children suffer from, hey, look at me. They're children. But adults clearly suffer from, hey, look at me. Otherwise, Facebook wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar company. You have a page, you exist. You're somebody. How about simply having a comedic ear, just innately, and we all understand. I think a lot of comedians start that way, like in a group at high school, and they just start being the one who observes the nonsense of what's happening at school or how ridiculous the football coach is. Yeah, right, right, right. And then they become the funny one. But I always say, if you ever talk to a drummer, it's like, how'd you get started? Well, I was five years old, and I was beating on pots and pans in the kitchen. My dad finally got tired, and he brought me a drum kit for my sixth birthday, and he put it in the garage, and that was it. And then they tell the story about them getting to high school, and they can't study, and they can't focus on anything. They just want to play drums, you know? Okay, so can't we have that as comedians? Yeah, what happens is, well, for me, at 10 years old, I was collecting comedians on TV when my friends collected baseball cards. I mean, I'm memorizing people's names and pieces of their act. Right. At such a young age. So why did that happen? Why did I dial into that? That might be nature. What I'm saying is that John Bonham or Tommy Lee or whoever's banging on the drums, one in hell, those guys aren't going, I need to be seen up on stage. Later on, there's a bunch of floozies that get to fucking a bus and all the perks of being that. But to the five-year-old's brain, it's just, I've got to pick up a wooden spoon, and beat on, I don't even think I want to be great. I just got to, I need a spoon, and I need a couple of pots and pans, and I need to start going to town on these things. That's true of a drummer, and I think for a comedian, it grows beyond all of that and turns into, I'm really enjoying being the center of attention, and people are laughing at what I think is funny. And that's, again, going back to the sense of control that doesn't exist in life. Going back to not just controlling a room, but controlling the ebb and flow of that. The act, all those things start to dial in at some point. But do you think Larry David would, and I know he's doing a show on Broadway, maybe as we speak, but do you think if he just had his choice on any given Wednesday night, he would go in front of a group of people, grab a microphone, and tell some jokes, or stay home? And therein lies the difference between him and Jimmy Fallon, because Jimmy talked about going and playing five clubs in a night, because he needed that new drug, that fresh drug at the other place. You've done all these drugs in this room with these people, and now you need to get. And I don't see that desire and desperate need in. Larry David was famous, and I asked him about it, where he would go on stage, and the famous thing he talked about on 60 Minutes, and I guess it's in all the research on Larry. Did you really go on stage once and say to the audience, look at them, and five seconds in go, yeah, you know, I don't think so, and then walk off stage. And he said, yeah, of course I did. And it wasn't like he was making a statement or trying to impress anyone. He really decided that in the moment. Well, so you have your Jimmy Fallons over here, and then maybe your Larry Davids, and I don't know, Albert Brooks. I don't feel like Albert Brooks needs that constantly. I just feel like he's a comedic technician. Yeah. Like he knows what's funny. Right. He wants to go out. But he would create stuff and do it on a one-off on The Tonight Show, sitting at Johnny's couch. He would just create something for an appearance. So there was a freedom of creative awareness. That's the other thing, you know, when you know that everyone's going to think what you think is funny. Where do you land on that spectrum? With my bag of tricks. Do you want to hear Christopher Walken? I do. No, answer as Christopher Walken, but between Larry David and Jimmy Fallon, Larry David is a guy. Larry David is a guy you have to push out on stage. I mean, look, everyone wants to be a millionaire. No one wants to work 50 hours a week at a postal sorting place in Arleta. So some people, I think, like Larry David, just kind of go, I'll just use my sense of humor and I can live in Malibu and be left alone. Yeah. Yeah. As Walken. Yeah. Again, here's the thing. For me, I always feel like if there's a crowd, I'll go. What is there? A crowd? A crowd. Oh, a crowd. Okay. There's a new game called One Word Impressions. Alan Arkin and his son created this game. I will give them credit. He and Tony, his youngest. And you have to do the impression in one word. And it cannot, important part, cannot be a word that the person is famous for saying. That would be cheating. You have to summarize an entire impersonation in a single word. I'm going to do Liam Neeson and the word is bananas. Are you ready? Mm-hmm. Bananas. Bananas. That's good. Yeah. But see, with the one word, you could go Sean Connery with the one word. Is there ever a guessing element to that? Can you say a word in someone's voice and not tell us? Oh, sure. Let's try that. Ready? Laundry. You're a genius. No, no. I'm with you. Guessing game. You're all going. Yeah, it's a game. Lingerie. Bill Clinton. There you go. A word he's probably said at some point, but not famous for saying. I'm sure. Yeah. That's all we're going to do now. Do you want to try one? No, Jason Statham. I say him, I teach people how to do Jason Statham, because he said six words faster than any human being on the planet. In a row, he reduces six words to two syllables. And if you say these six words in a row, you will nail the impression. The six words are, do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Which he says as, Jomaine. Yeah. Yeah. Basically just saying Jomaine. Right. Jomaine. Jomaine. Yeah, you're right. You can sound like him. Yeah. I think Statham's coming out Thursday night, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. Oh. Paul Newman Racing, Doc. I think. I don't know yet. Well, I think I'm excited. Mm-hmm. You must be ready to take a break. Ah, you got that important phone call in front of you? Well, it's the next directing job. Okay. No, we were warned of this. Kevin Pollack, Misery Loves Company, take your important phone call. I want to be done. No, no, no. You'll not be done. Okay. You'll come back and- I don't want to be penalized. No, you'll not. Will we add? Will we stop the clock? No, no. We will. We will do. We will do some news. This will be three minutes. It will be news, and then we'll come back. Can't wait. Yeah. I was aware of this. Draft Kings. Oh, right. So, Kevin Pollack told us that he had this crazy conference call that he was going to have to take. He'll be back in a couple of minutes, and in the meantime, we'll do some news with Gina Grad. Give me the news with Grad. News with Gina Grad. Showbiz, Congress, tech news, sports news, world news. Give me news with Gina Grad. Win shit out of Florida. Sex, surveys, Obama. Meet news with Gina, Gina. The news with Gina Grad. So, Danielle and Alexander Medev are in trouble once again for letting their kids walk to a park near their Maryland house about a third of a mile away. The 10-year-old and the 6-year-old children who were picked up last year while walking home alone were taken into custody again on Sunday after someone in the community saw the kids walking without their parents. The children were picked up by the police at a park. About 5 p.m. turned over to Child Protective Services. Then, the children's mother, who was very distraught, the kids were supposed to be home by 6, they never came home, said they weren't released back into her and her husband's custody until 10.30 that night. No charges have been placed. The matter remains under investigation because the kids were three blocks away, unattended by a parent. Is this like a hairy walk? There's something that's not being explained about this. Why are the police so vigilant about this? No, everyone's calling her the free-range mother, that she lets her kids do things free-range. Is it a bad neighborhood? It's, it's, I think it's Silver Springs, Maryland, which is a fairly upscale neighborhood. And the kids are walking alone and they keep getting the fuzz called on them. We have brainwashed our fucking pussy-ass selves into thinking that every, everybody under 100 pounds that's not tied down is going to be abducted. Your kid is going to die in a swimming pool from zero to five. And then after that, in a car crash. After that, statistically, especially for Whitey, there is no, everything is just, there's really no third place. Whatever, whatever disease or abducted and taken for ransom or indoctrinated into ISIS or whatever the fuck, whatever's running through our feeble minds, it's not going to happen statistically. And also, what's to stop it from happening? If you. You're there. I mean, if you're at the park and you're fucking sitting around, you know how many times as a parent when you're sitting at the park and your kids go, we're going to go over there with Tommy, run around with him. And you go, yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. And you go answer some emails on your iPhone and then you look up and it's been 40 minutes. That could have been abducted and thrown in a van and killed just like that. What the fuck do you think? You have superpowers? If Al-Qaeda jumps out of the van, what do you think you're going to do? Fight him off? I mean, yes, there'll be a witness to this, but chances are there'll be a witness to this. There'll be a witness. There'll be a witness when they're walking through the suburban neighborhood in the middle of the fucking day. Like the cunt who called the police. Yes, I said cunt because no fucking dude. And if it was a dude, he'd have a cunt sewed onto a fucking small of his back so his fucking boyfriend could fuck him. God damn it. Nobody would call the police. Or if they would, this is the cunt who would do it. And everyone is watching and looking out. Well, and that's the irony of the entire situation. You call the police on these kids who got picked up and taken to a place where their Parents didn't know where they were until 10.30 at night because you were worried about their safety. which makes no sense it's so first off stop fucking ratting everyone else out everybody number one number two kids are fine let them fucking play yeah let them roam let them roam we're okay you talk about uh more harm than good how about the cops in this situation of course i'm sure they're trying to do good but they're doing way more harm put taking these cars hit these kids into custody well and the funny thing is the little boy the i think he was the 10 year old even said in an interview the kid's 10 yeah and the the daughter is six and they were together jesus christ the boy said uh the cop said can i i'm going to take you home from the precinct and he said i didn't know why we're only two blocks away right all right please come to call the cops watch stand by me oh yeah you'll learn everything you need to know about 10 year olds wandering they wander just fine that's right they're world champ wanderers and when i was 10 i just go all over the place on my bike constantly of course i was all over the town will your kids be allowed to sort of wander off the property i don't give a shit we we have decided again i work on statistics that's all i'm interested in i'm not interested in what my greatest fear is i don't work i know our all our greatest fears is that your kid is going to be unattended they're going to be walking home from the schoolyard a van is going to pull up and a great white shark is going to jump out and eat them that's i didn't see that coming that's what my wife's greatest fear is i don't worry about great white sharks because statistically not going to have infinitesimal yeah or whatever that works that's good that's pretty decent okay so as an atheist i just focus like a doctor i don't worry about them getting aids yeah i don't worry about them being eaten by great white shark you're not screening for heart disease at age eight no i'm only interested in the things that pose an actual threat and who's been abducted and and his abduction by the way we're not in fucking el salvador like i don't think this shit has gone through the roof yes an abduction by strangers is even a fraction of that yeah not since jc lee dugard have i think we've even worried about this right that's really i don't know jc i'm probably class okay she they kept her in the backyard in a tent for a lot of up the hill in a tent oh you mean the one out of colorado or something um i don't remember where she's wait wait oh this is a different one i'm thinking the one where the guy worked as a handyman that's a little bit smart you know what maybe there's a rash of this going on gary call my wife i wonder where these kids are now chain them to the radiator i don't want i don't want them roaming look everybody is as much as we're freaked out about terrorists and pedophiles and vans and great white sharks it's statistically that's just not what's gonna get you yeah okay there you go honestly if you don't want your kid to get fucked up don't let them rollerblade rollerblade rollerblading will fuck their shit up faster than walking back from the place where they rollerblade unattended okay but we're fucking stupid and again good news everybody whitey's out of problems we have no more problems and all we the purell the at my house i have vegetable wash i've i've a type of wash specifically designed to wash fruits and vegetables before my kids ingest those fruits and vegetables uh then there's that you know don't give them they gotta drink the filter this and it we're insane we're fucking insane is the needle in the mini snickers bar at halloween still a thing first off that never existed no but but we had to get our candy screened at the hospital before we could eat it really yeah we all did that ever exist but did it you'd have to be the most insane person on the planet because here's what you do it when i was growing up the the the wives tale was the uh candy apple or the caramel apple put the razor blade in it okay so i'm the guy on the house i'm at uh twenty two eleven elm street and i'm handing out candy apples with razor blades how long before the parents do the candy apple math yeah where'd you get the candy all the candy yeah yeah think about it okay am i the tax-paying god-fearing homeowner that lives at twenty two eleven main street or am i the person who abducted those and they're tied up in the garage and i'm handing out the candy apples with the razor blades in their stead and then when the kid gets yeah when the kid gets the candy apples with the razor blades in their stead home and takes a bite into it and slits the roof of the mouth up for isn't mama gonna go where'd you get that candy apple they're gonna go twenty two elm street and then you're gonna go the kid's not gonna remember the one house they gave a fucking apple homemade treats i would i would say now look if you're just chucking a fun size snicker bars from a van at people's you go down the street that's one thing but if you're at the house and they show up to the house and they can connect it's horrible plans yeah poorly conceived not planned to kill children kevin pollock back in studio by the way killing kids kevin please continue yes please continue uh misery loves company by the way which i will watch uh tonight misery loves comedy oh comedy sorry i almost said it yes of that of that sure sure misery loves comedy i should watch on the itunes when i get home um i got the offer to direct my next film this morning and then this conference call was about whether it's a reality based on what they're all talking about and i'm like oh my god i'm going to do it and they're offering and what we need and you know how show business goes the only way to get what you want is to say no yes right no now walken says no all right sorry the news well madonna finally got her wish after revealing her desire to kiss drake the 56 year old material girl planted a big wet kiss on him during his coach shella set on sunday now drake initially appeared to enjoy the kiss grabbing madonna's head which she did not appreciate and then he kind of struggled a little to escape her grasp once it was over amid screams from the audience uh drake looked kind of disgusted and disheveled and madonna simply walked off saying bitch i'm madonna and here's a clip of she grabbed his head is that what happened no he grabbed her and she did not like that well let me look at this yeah here's a clip of what happened she took the hand off took the hand off wow they're making out she's groping well she grabbed his titty trying to think it's a little herky-jerky did she grab his tit as you said well and then as she's walking off he goes what the fuck just happened did she walk out the middle of one of his songs is that what happened yeah yeah she quote-unquote surprised him yeah exactly i remember the part of the sonotra documentary where she was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i was singing with the fifth dimension and he was doing all the weird stuff to stay relevant yeah is this that part of madonna's career yeah it was really back not fondly on this bing crosby and bowie singing yes yes the struggling attempt to stay right relevant and hip um yeah i mean madonna is 56 and she's still whoring it up and she's going to make out with whoever's hot and whatever he's into adulthood there well remember her last kiss with britney spears that she told everyone she was passing the energy of her life and she was like oh my god from one pop star to another. Nobody seemed to care. Maybe just do the kiss and walk away and don't say anything. Because nobody wants to hear the nonsense and bullshit she has to say afterwards. I want to tell Madonna and anyone that's thinking about doing this in front of me. There's something called the internet and porn. So I'm good. I don't need to see elderly folk make out with young Canadian rappers. I'm good. I'm lousy with that. It's called the internet. I'm set. I'm set for life. Yeah. And even the sexy outfits. Fuck it. Wear a bathrobe. I don't care anymore. That's novel at this point. Well, what I'm saying is back when we were young and to be like, hey, there's Dean Martin and the Gold Diggers. Look at them. Look at those tight, those short shorts and hot pants they're wearing and the Rockettes and all that. Woo. Look at those legs. Legs for days. Now we got Bukkake porn on the internet. We do not need tight fitting. We got Bella Donna and her baseball bats. Right. Oh, Brian. We're fine. Carrie. Right. We got two Madonnas in a bucket. We don't need this Madonna. We don't need it anymore. Really. Just put on fucking sweatpants and bathrobe. Get out there. It's hard to even remember that sex book she put out. Right. So controversial. Very controversial at the time. With the metal cover. It actually had weight to it for no point, for no reason. Yeah. Yeah. You had to be a certain age to buy it. Listen, she's one of the greatest marketing business geniuses the music world will ever know. True. Yes. Undeniably. Took a modicum of talent. Right. Whereas, over the weekend, I saw Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga do standards together. And the Gaga, if you saw her on the Academy Awards, finally sang a song, a classic, incredible. And she has a great affection, you can tell, for these classic songs. So to see her sing them with Tony Bennett and give him all this praise during the show. Now there's staying power to me. Because when I first saw her act, it was, "Oh. Why are we doing the Cirque du Soleil? Just sing, honey." Right. What do we need with all this? Well, usually. When you see the chick walking out there in the flank steak gown, you think to yourself. Must not be able to sing. Sort of like when you see the comedian drag the steamer trunk on stage behind him, you go, maybe can't tell a joke. So when you saw Lady Gaga, you thought to yourself, well, with all the crazy pomp and circumstance, surely she cannot sing. I'm promising you she could take over a 1968 version of Barbra Streisand right now. Wow. In terms of pipes, power, and passion for the classics. Pipes, power, and passion. You want to know who's behind that movement more than anyone else? James Brolin. Wow. From your mouth to God's ears, Pollack, how do we make this happen? Please, how do we make it happen? I'll leave Malibu to make this happen. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Put that in presentation. And the extraordinary talent, whereas, and clearly great marketing, the reason I was drawing the parallel. Whereas Madonna truly turned mediocre lyric writing capabilities and an okay voice, not great, not bad, and became way beyond superstar, a conglomerate of trendsetting, fashion. I get it. But you have to think to yourself. As a dad and as a comedian and as someone who's in this business and stuff, you know, she's kind of the Wes Welker of entertainers. I'm with you. I'm with you. Undersized, not afraid to go over the middle. Aretha Franklin is Terrell Owens, you know. She weighs a little more than Terrell. Can you use the black guy? Can you use the Gronk house? Can't think of the Gronk. The point is, is she's got chops. Crazy, God-given, natural, insane ability. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wes Welker is just going to outwork everybody and gain the most yards in the league. Yep, yep. So, Madonna, at what point do we praise her for having mediocre chops in the singing department, mediocre talent in the lyrics department? Yeah, you listen to Material Girl or any of this shit. It doesn't hold up very well. Yeah, you took religion and you mixed it with sex and, ooh, it's all taboo, and that's exactly the reaction you wanted. Yeah, there's not much going on there. Even in the looks department. When you take her and you remove her Pilates instructor and her custom knee-high boots, she's hovering around a six and a half. At 56, you mean? No, I mean, she was a six and a half when she was 30, minus all the insane workout regimen and the vegan diet and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. So, the idea that you take someone who's a six and a half in the looks department, and look, I'm not, what I'm saying is, is if Madonna. If Madonna worked at, let's say there was an architectural office that was in Boca Raton, and she was a receptionist there, that Madonna, what that person would look like in 1985. She's a six and a half without all the, she's doing push-ups somewhere right now. But she would be Boca Raton hot. She might be Boca Raton hot. Boca Raton 10. So, let's just say you took all that motor away from her. There's not much. But should we? We respect the motor in a weird way. That is what you're saying. It's even more impressive to. That she did so much with less. To change how 16-year-old girls dressed and thought with that level of talent and looks, that takes even more genius, in my opinion. And she deserves more credit. And we just need to convince her to let it go at some point. Yeah, I agree. And go gracefully into that good night. And I think to myself, she convinced throngs. Millions. Internationally. 15, 16-year-old girls. How to dress. I don't think I could convince one. I have an eight-year-old daughter right now. Doesn't listen to a fucking word I say. And when she's 16, I'm going to go, you're not going to school dressed like that unless it's horror day. And she's going to go, fuck off, old man. And that'll be the extent of it. Unless it's horror day. And last I checked. By the way. And last I checked. I checked the calendar. Why wasn't there horror day when we went to school? Sonny, take off that felt hat. Last I checked, it's not pimp day. It's not pimp and whore day. Yeah. All right. Where the hell were we? Well, speaking of which, a Russian company called Tittygram lets businesses pay to advertise their brand on women's breasts. The company opened its offices. Finally. Yes, at the end of March and have already signed up dozens of local businesses and clientele. The company hired women to take part in citing them with $88 a day to participate. The price of the ad ranges from $7 to $10 for up to 35 words. There it is. So it's basically, it's Golden Palace for chicks who went to junior college. It's essentially what it is, right? Yeah, I guess so. It's enterprising, right? I don't see any faces in these pictures. No. It's something you could do. You can get 88 bucks. All right. See if we can get Knott's Bird Farm. 30 years ago. Yeah. 30 years ago or so, I thought. You know. Yeah, I saw the first car or van drive by with some sort of, you know. Airbrushed? Yeah, some sort of logo on the side of it. The van wrap? Yeah. Well, not even. You mean. Just a little thing on the door. Like a realty company or something. Magnetic. Magnetic sign. Yeah. Yeah. And 30 years ago, I thought, well, all I need to do is connect college kids who can't pay for a car with these companies. Right. And if they pick up 70% of the lease. Right. If they pick up 70% of the lease, I think they're going to have to pay for the rest of the car. Right. And then didn't do a damn thing with it. But I'm a little surprised that didn't become something. Someone didn't figure. Well, I think, and Gary, you can check this out. I think if you're a college kid or you're just a struggling individual and you would like to have your car wrapped by Red Bull, they will pick up a certain amount of your lease or pay you a stipend a month or whatever. I think they pay for your gas. Whatever it is. Sure. But 30 years ago when I thought about it. I thought, well, in 30 years, more than half the cars on the road will have this because who doesn't want their car payment taken care of or something. It is weird that in 2015, there's still a ton of shit to invent or ideas to have. I feel like in our youth, things were being invented. Hey, it's a fishing pole that fits in your back pocket. It's the pocket fisherman. It's a Mr. Microphone or it's a Ginsu knife or whatever the fuck it is. And now everyone's. They're inventing ideas like before it was physical shit that just came from China that we'd sell over here with Ron Popeil. And now people are going every time I hear a good idea, this guy, he took this group of people and put them with that group of people. But he gets 10 percent of every new guy. Fuck. That was a great idea. And you don't have to make anything, make any die cast or stamps or molds or anything. It reminds me of Michael Keaton in Night Shift when he says in the tape recorder, feed mayonnaise to two. To the tuna fish. Yeah. Blaze. Let's see. I have multiple versions. The free car wrap. You get the free. You get paid monthly. So there's the paid monthly and then there's the other model where they'll give you a car that's wrapped. They're not paid, but. I feel like that'd be most people I knew when they were 23 would happily do that, right? Young money, cash money. Gary, you would have done it, right? Hell yeah. Why not? I don't care. Once you're inside the car, you can do it. I can't see the outside. So is there a broker that goes around to businesses and says, do you want your placard on the side of the car and how much are you willing to pay for it? They just wrap it. They wrap. Now they do like wrap paint jobs and stuff. All those cars you see going around with the sort of flat eggshell tone on them. They're like a film that goes over your windows, right? A film that goes over the, they paint the car, but instead of painting the car, they just put a film over it. There you go. All right. Let's do another. All right. Well, as if there weren't enough. There's enough reasons to love dogs. New research suggests they can detect cancer cells in humans with 98% accuracy. If only I'd known about this years ago. How do you feel about that? Well, if you'd paid any attention when I was doing Loveline. I know. I should have listened. I'd said dogs can, I started thinking, wait, dogs can sniff out gunpowder. They can sniff out pot and cocaine. They can sniff everything out. Backyard vegetables. Why? Am I missing kids? Everything has a scent. Everything that's sort of organic. As it comes with its own scent and dogs can smell it. And I used to say to Drew all the time. Well, first off, I had my venereal sniffing dogs, you know, in my single days, park the dog right by the front doors. The ladies came in with the short skirts. If it started chasing a tail, that one had to be escorted out. You know what I'm saying? I think I do. Right. So there was the venereal sniffing dogs. But I said, they just give a whiff. They can sniff out cans. If you went to a dog and went, it could smell. That's a tumor on your lung. Yeah. Lung cancer. Something like that. I agree with that. Yeah. It makes sense. They're also trying to do it for diabetes because there's a sweetness or glucose. Yeah. And German Shepherds seem to be the dog to do this with. They sniff urine samples. They did this with 900 men. 360 had prostate cancer and they have 98% accuracy. Well, you're all the time, but the scans didn't pick up the cancer. Or like you missed it on a mammogram or something. I mean, this could be a good thing. Game changer. How about career trajectory? Could they? Could they sniff that out? Yeah. Is there any way we could get them in early? That's a little failure. You're going to finish at a comedy club. Well, there's just, I think they can smell just a little bit of blood and semen in there. And that's how they know. Yeah, very sad. Drop Stop. I want to talk about success. This, by the way, the cancer sniffing dogs I was talking about on Loveline a million years ago. Drop Stop I was talking about. I didn't capitalize on it. Well, not specifically, of course. Yeah, but I was saying I'm tired of dropping my wallet, falling in between the seat and the transmission tunnel and all that. Original patent and seat gap filler. I got it in my car. My wife has it in her car. These guys are on Shark Tank. They're just guys who went, someone should invent this, and they invented it. Forget about, maybe you don't keep your wallet or your keys or your phone in your front pocket when you drive. Forget about that. Don't drop food between there. Little bits of food. Oh, man. If you keep dropping it down there, it's going to smell. It's going to attract ants or whatever. Yeah. You come in, there's a hobo in your car. Yes. You're looking at his ass crack. Who needs that? He's digging around for that one curly fry that fell down there. If you have the Drop Stop, you can get in and out of your car in no time. Just $19.99. Set of two. Thane-resistant neoprene. Fits all vehicles. Avoid the cheap plastic knockoffs. Available at Walmart. You go to the automotive section. Amazon. Bookmark us. Buy DropStop.com. Go to B-U-Y DropStop.com. Use the code, Adam. You get free shipping. A couple of free gifts. DropStop.com. Give them the code. All right. Let's do one more. All right. Well, remember the two-week he-said-she-said case of whether or not movie mogul and married father of five, Harvey Weinstein, groped that 22-year-old Italian model during a business meeting? No, but I'm looking at the pictures of both of them and I'm leaning a little toward her. Is it Madonna versus Lady Gaga? No. No, it isn't. Weinstein is one of these guys whose face is literally swelling shut. Like, he's not going to be able to breathe. He's going to be able to breathe in about 18 months. He needs a cut man. Yeah, he does. Yeah. He needs Burgess Meredith to get in there and just cut him so he can see and breathe again. He can go for the 15th round. He's like one of these dogs that got overbred and now he can't reproduce naturally. Well, you know, but they do these stories of the dogs in the kennel show where, like, the original Schnauzer looked like this, the original bulldog. Now, bulldogs can't even breathe now. They've been overbred. Yeah. Their eyes pop out of their heads. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. We have to take him to the vet and put him down. It's a very sad day for film. Well, this case is closed due to credibility issues from the victim, Ambra Badalana. She claims she was assaulted in Weinstein's office when she was there to discuss a lingerie shoot. But there was a credibility issue with her because she lied to investigators about her sexual relationship with a 70-year-old man in Italy. A lot of enforcement said that he claimed during the consensual relationship that he paid her in jewelry, expensive tanning cream, and a car. Expensive tanning cream. Yeah. The sun's free, bitch. Yeah. You bought a Le Maire. That made the list. She's got a $300,000 car. Yeah. Yeah. She's got $2 million in jewelry and, oh, by the way, a very expensive tanning cream. Yep. Yep. A lifetime supply, I'm hoping. And because she didn't come clean about that, they think she's not coming clean about this. Well, first off, it is, like, the only reason to become a mogul or to become a floozy, I mean, you know, this is basically, he's the roller skate and she's the key. Yeah, they found each other. Sweetie, the whole reason you dropped out of the 11th grade and stopped eating and, sir, the only reason you became a movie mogul was so that you could fuck chicks that were incredibly hot when you were incredibly grotesque at a super advanced age. Well, what's the problem here? We got peanut butter, we got chocolate, let's put it together. The shocking nature of her lack of credibility is enough to stop this story dead. But what would you, what would you do? Did they laugh in her face when she filed this complaint? Honey, please, go over, stand over there for a second. We've got real cases to consider. Don't you feel like, I don't know, like, see, Kevin. Yes, sir. You grew up, you have a motor, you have a gift. Your tongue was touched by the hand of God. You could do voices and mimicry and all that kind of stuff. But what if it all went away? The intellect, the sense of humor. It has on occasion. And all that was left was you looking really good in underpants. That was all that was left. Wow. How, for me, I'm just saying, like, I don't blame any of these chicks because when I was in high school, if all anyone was a chick, I was a chick. If all anyone wanted to do was take me out to dinner and fuck, that would have been the agenda until that day stopped. It wouldn't have been, well, you know, I'd like to, but I'm going to hit the books pretty hard and stay home and eat mac and cheese instead. Like, think about the burden of being a hot chick. It sounds awful. No, it's really easy to go, well, look, you just tell the good-looking guy in the Corvette you can't go out for surf and turf tonight, but wouldn't you be going out for surf and turf if it was the other way around? Yeah. What? I don't blame any of these people. Maybe we should ask the super hot chick in the room. It's the fantastic conundrum. Kevin Pollack. It's the fantastic conundrum, the way that the male and female brain works in this particular area. Well, all I can say is this. When I was a shop girl on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, I ended up wearing a wedding ring because these dudes would come in, and I worked on commission, waste my time, fuck around, beg me to go to lunch. I actually got asked to go to Hawaii three times, and it made me really uncomfortable. Hold on. Let's see. Was he a semi-retarded kid? Oh, sorry. It's coming. I was doing this. Oh, sorry. You messed me up. It's all right. Three times. Nine times. Oh, nine times. Well, now we'll do this one. I want to go to Hawaii. Yay! Yay! That was him, and I had to say no because I don't know this dude. I don't want to go on vacation with some asshole that I don't know. Is that his Edward? Thank you. Special Edward. Well, now that we're acquainted, maybe I'll reconsider. But all I know is a lot of dudes have a thing for shop girls, and it was a waste of time. I was trying to make money. But a lot of shop owners specifically hire those girls who will attract a certain kind of man. I would have gone to Hawaii. I'd be like, when? And let's do this. And should I suck your dick on the way to the airport, or should we do it once we touch down, or should we join the Mile High Club? But would you really ask those questions? See, this is the other thing. The vague notion that something might happen for a lot of these situations is enough to get everybody on the plane and go. You want some boundaries. You're saying on the way to the airport. You want to know where we stand and what. I don't want this huge white elephant, meaning your semen, in the room the entire time. Let's just put it on the table. Get it out of the way. On your face. And get this done. And by the way, I can enjoy the in-flight movie while you're in your refractory period and not fucking bothering me. So that's the way I play it. It always seemed like it would end up like Princess Leia chained to some dude. I mean, it just didn't seem. Dude, shop of the heart? Yeah. But actually, in Hawaii, like, at some stranger's beck and call. Like, fuck that. It just didn't ever seem like a good idea. I had friends that did it. Sorry. What about the Sultan of Brunei? Because the Sultan basically goes, look, you want to come over here and drive a Bugatti, you got to suck off the guy with the tablecloth on his head. But you understand, it's a pretty fucking good week over there. It's a story. Yeah. And it's not like. So you're saying integrity is for chumps. I'm saying. It's negotiable. You can stay stateside and suck a cock for free. Or you can get a Rolex. Or you can get a Rolex, a Bugatti, and go into the underground vault and see James Dean's actual Spyder 550. That was crashed and never seen again. Which would you rather do? I'm saying I'm going to Dubai. It's an experience. But I want to point into that journey for you. Are you starting. Or how many of those journeys for you, Adam? Are you starting to think, I've got to have something more in me than this? Come out like anal? I've got to be capable of something more. Anal? I need more. Not. I need more cocks in me. Oh, well, that's what I'm hearing. What are my capabilities beyond? Well, anal is what I'm saying. I mean, you talk about what my. You mean. I mean, what. What my Moby Dick is? Yeah. Anal? Is that what you mean? Yeah, I mean, what I'm hearing is it's easy for a guy to get laid. All he needs is an opportunity. And if he's given an opportunity, it doesn't even have to be Hawaii. It doesn't have to be the car. So what you're. And then for women, it's I feel hard for the, you know, the hardship. I understand it. Because really all they have to do is say yes. And at what point after saying yes, how many times. After saying yes, do you start to say, there's got to be something more to life than enjoying these things. So in exchange for me doing that. No? Yeah. Yeah. When I had enough Rolex eyes, Rolexes and tennis bracelets, I would toy with the notion of. Giving it up. Giving up the life. Yeah. Hanging up the kissing potion. Well, that's my question. Do you think a guy could get to that point of. I just can't fuck for good stuff anymore. I just, I don't have it in me. I don't think I would. I could. And that's the whole thing. I would be on the first plane to Dubai when I was 18. You know, I'd have a cardboard sign. I'd be on the Ventura Freeway, Dubai or bust, with my thumb out, showing some leg. This is the film that needs to be made. Dubai or bust. Yeah. Yeah, let's bring back the old road films with me and Pollock in it. That's right. All right. So what happened? I don't even know what we're talking about. The case got thrown out because she's not a credible witness. A shockingly below average level of credibility. All right. All right. So the Weinsteins, they'll live to fight another day. All right. Let's bring it home. All right. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news. Gina's got boobs! Gina, Gina! That was the news with Gina Grad. Do you think those guys, if you had agreed to go to Hawaii, would have been like, I'll meet you at the airport, or first I'm going to swing by my apartment when my roommate's gone and it's come up? Yeah, I mean, it always felt like they're paying for something very specific. Yeah, but would you ever have gotten to Hawaii? Oh, good question. Was it girlfriends who did this? Maybe not. I did, and they did. They got to Hawaii. They went to Hawaii. One went to China. How long can you hold out before you're no longer fresh, I think is your question. Or were they swindled? They were swindled out of the actual trip. Exactly. Yeah. Right, because it could be, you know, you want to go to Hawaii, let me just swing by the pad and come on up. Do a little sample. Yeah. Have a little chardonnay. I'm just going to pack my medicine kit over here and have a little taste test and just chillax on the futon. I think I made the right decision. Let me call my travel agent. As I'm spla-jooing. Right. Yeah, and then is that, oh, that's it. That's all that's really needed. Yeah. Mm-hmm. To avoid the whole trip. Yeah. Isn't Hawaii just a place in our mind? You know the fix is in when the guy picks up the phone and goes, hello, travel agency? Yeah. I want your two best tickets to Hawaii. The big island. Just quality travel. What? You just sold them? Oh. Oh, damn. When are the, oh, tomorrow morning, first thing. All right. So we should wait it out at my apartment. We shouldn't go to sleep. We should stay up all night. Okay, if you say so. All right. All right. Uh, me. Take a knee. Inspirational podcast. We've got, uh, Hench and Santora on telling their story. Try a little mangria at corolladrinks.com. Kevin Pollack, Misery Loves Comedy on iTunes as we speak in select theaters, April 24th podcast, Kevin Pollack's chat show. You can find me on it. Video on demand also for the movie Misery Loves Comedy on all your major cable companies. If you've got the cable. And that's on as we speak. It's on the on-demand in the menus as of, I think, the 17th of April. Well, I'm going to go home and watch Misery Loves Comedy. Kevin's going to go home and watch Road Hard, and then we're going to confab. We're going to reconvene on my podcast. So, until next time, Sam Kroll for David Wild, Kevin Pollack, Gina Grad, and Bob Ryan saying mahalo. Well, let's go out and gangbang, or let's go do some drive-bys. All right, that's Adam Krola Show 1552. Coming up next, we have Adam Krola Show 1556. Simon Morley, Senator Ted Cruz, along with Gina Grad and Brian Bishop, also from 2015. He and Ray were doing butt puppetry of the penis long before it was cool. Adam Krola. Yeah, Ray could be suing him for a move he calls the turtle. I definitely, many a party goer in 1982 and 83 were firsthand witnesses, so there could be some litigation here. Do the testicles play a part in that one? Yes, they play an integral part. Yeah, I had a feeling. What kind of rookie question is that? Is Senator Ted Cruz calling into the show today, too? Wow, that's a lot of range. No, he's in the Puppetry of Penis Show. Oh, that's why I was confused. It's a joint thing. Did not, it is a joint thing. I did not know that. So, a lot of range on the show today. Thank you guys for tuning in. Thanks for telling a friend. Thanks for sharing the good news and going to Amazon and Amazon Prime, man. Free shipping. Let's be first class about all this stuff. And getting road hard on iTunes and all that good stuff. Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you. And Bald Brian. Pussy lips. That was for BJ Garrett, 31 with that top drop. All right. So, tonight we will be going. To the El Capitan Theater. That's next to Jimmy's Theater. And it's kind of the same complex. Yes. People sort of think of Jimmy's Theater as the El Capitan. I think it technically is. Maybe it technically is. It's all part of the same old nice Art Deco, beautiful old Art Deco Theater. That place has the huge organ that comes up. Yes. Speaking of puppetry from the penis, it comes down and the thing. Oh, they're in the movie. You've seen that, right? It's unbelievable. Actually, I have not. No. No, it's unbelievable. Oh, fun. Great. I know of it, but I've never seen it. When you have kids, take them there to watch a movie one day when the sperm has thawed and the dust has settled. Watch a movie there with your kids because they'll have the time of their life. Now, you're listening to this. This was last night. It was great. Really well done. It was a lot of fun. Good job. But tonight we're going there. Now, a couple things I'd like to get into. First off, if anyone wants to know how I'm wired, here is how I'm wired. I rarely discuss myself. It's going to be a long show. Just this once. Here's how I'm wired. A thousand people are going to show up tonight. They're going to watch this documentary that I spent two years making. I have zero nerves about it. It's a very good documentary. I feel very secure about it. Nobody's going to get up halfway in and leave except for my agent, James Babydoll Dixon, who's going to have a smoke. Smoke, yeah. Yeah. That'll be the fun part. Oh, look for that guy. But I have zero nerves about it. I feel completely confident about it. I'm looking forward to people enjoying this thing that I worked on. Now, what is scary to me about tonight? I have invited about 500 people, and I should know all their names. And I'm not. Oh, you need the Devil Wears Prada person next to you who's telling you, this is Senator Ted Cruz. Yes. I went to your campaign. There are folks from the racing community. Yes. There are folks from the acting celebrity community. Even folks you guys might know, I will hiccup on. Oh, yeah. Because there'll be a cavalcade of familiar faces walking past me, and I will not be able to attach a name to all of them, even though many of them did CarCast the week before, or did this podcast two weeks before that. Oh, yeah. There'll be directors. They'll be just like, oh, shit, what's his name? This is the clip of the show. I wish I could play for Christy when you introduce yourself to her every time. Is there any chance that Lynette can dive in front and go, hi, Lynette, what's your name, before you can get involved? There's 100% chance we'll have that conversation on the way to the event. On the way home? That is 100%. There's a 92% we'll have the argument on the way home of why she refused to do it. But no, she will stand there like an ice sculpture. A beautiful? A beautiful, beautiful. Statue-esque. Statue-esque. Ice sculpture. While I have long and uncomfortable exchanges with people whose names I clearly cannot remember without doing what I've coached her up to do, which is introduce yourself. You need a Willie Mays, like, say hey thing. Willie Mays with say hey there. Say hey. You don't have to say the guy's name. All right. I'm calling everyone champ. Good. That works. That could be your thing. You know, there's not many times I wish I was old and black, but this is one of them. If I was just old and black, I could just call everyone champ, and it'd work out perfectly. If only. If only. If only. God willing, someday they'll get there. Yeah. I can guarantee, I can almost guarantee half of that equation, the black mark. So I need something, and I will coach up Lynette, but Lynette will still not do it because I've, I don't know how it works, but I've attempted this many, many times, and I've attempted it with many people. It doesn't work. You go to the party. They do the thing. Then every once in a while, you get this person, which drives me. It drives me insane. Even if you've coached up the wife properly, and she goes, I am Adam's wife, Lynette, and she reached out, hey, how you doing? Nice to meet you. It's a response, which is like, please don't do that, people. Please share your name with the person who just shared their name with you. Yeah, take the opportunity. It makes it much easier. It does. Last night, I had, we had the party, and this is all, now, just to get the juices flowing, I had this person, you know, there's the people that drive down the freeway, and just when they're done with their fast food, In-N-Out burger, where I just sort of chuck it out the window, I hope there's a corner of hell. I don't see that person very much anymore. I don't so much anymore either, but if there is a, if hell has a basement, if hell has a hole. A subterranean parking garage. Eh, just the hole, like a prison. Prison's bad, but then there's the hole. Yeah, solitary confinement. If there's a hole in hell. If there's a hole in hell, I want that person there, and I want their cellmate to be the person. that comes up and goes you don't remember me do you you don't do you know my name you don't know my name do you do you first off what's in it for you i'm the dude who doesn't know you're alive you know my name i do not know your name so i don't know what's in it for you i don't know who these guys are i don't know i feel like i'm going to coach my kids up and say don't so last night is the dinner right for a lot of the sponsors and contributors and nissan and and playstation and you know xbox and and and and above everyone's there all the folks that gave significant amounts of money to have their signage on the step and repeat and the this and that they get to come part of the deal is they get to come to my place check out my cars have a catered meal with me but of course that's there's 35 of them and then there's one of me now everybody sort of recognizes me my pictures everywhere and my name's everywhere and the cars are everywhere but i don't know you but i still did not prevent the one guy from coming up to me going remember me uh now here's what i did your face looks familiar you yes you yes you look familiar i i can know i can't place you do you know my name do you remember my name it's like diving back in by the way i'm trying to join my friends and friends and friends and friends and friends and friends and friends and i'm trying to join my fucking meal here can i eat my fucking flank steak you know why i think you did that what is that fucking impulse i have a theory i have a i have a theory too but go ahead i have a theory that they're a murphy's law guy they're a guy that goes around saying anything that can go wrong will go wrong here i'll prove it this guy adam won't remember me i'll prove it and they get some sort of satisfaction about out of that does that make sense yeah to a degree i think i my take on it is it's a way to take look um seth mcfarland's leading a much better life than you having sex with models and lives on a castle on top of a hill but if you'd like to get him under you for 18 seconds if you want to get seth on his heels for just 20 seconds for just one moment he'll stop being the most successful guy on the planet and you'll be in charge pull that move interesting yeah makes sense you got your big warehouse with all your newman cars hey hot shot and your barbecue and your documentary i'm gonna make you feel just i'm gonna i'm gonna be in charge for just 20 seconds of your life wow how about that makes sense i couldn't fathom a reason why someone would do that other than awkward conversation starter but even that's not good what yeah no it's no and i don't know that they know it it's just a little bit of a you know what it's equivalent of it's a equivalent of mike lynch is here it's the equivalent of uh hey mike after the show i need to talk to you okay now he doesn't know the rest of the show i'm gonna implement him on his weight loss but now he can go sit with that thought go sit with that thought don't leave that talking to me it's a it's it's a way to sort of emotionally get the upper hand on anybody you're dealing with and there's a lot of people and i fucking hate them but they do that all the time hey listen we need to talk or they're just the people that do this thing where it's like my guy nate will do this he's putting this whole show together he'll go we got a big problem and cater forgot the egg salad i'll go that's not a big problem and by the way i thought you were telling me something yeah something big yeah the projection projectionist quit and the thing blew up and we can't show the movie like like i'm picturing a problem yes and i think it's a way and i don't think anyone knows it uh sadly gina um i think it's a i think it's a little more of a chick element than a dude element and by the way well chicks there's a lot of dudes that are got a lot of chicken them but it's an emotional it's a feminine energy it's a it's a it's a way men want to manipulate the physical like we want to build shit and fuck in that order women like to take kind of the you know my you down psychologically yeah my son is my son will sit there and not say a word if i am like talking to the nanny and i'm going uh well i think mommy forgot to whatever and it might natalia will march right in and rat me out right that's that's that's her thing yeah it's it it'll she'll you know if if i if i pick her up or something slip or step on her toe or something that's nothing she'll do that she'll march right in and rat my shit out there it doesn't matter she's looking yeah looking for bust you yeah it's it's kind of it's what it is is it's it's like some people i think look at a a relationship or conversation as a sort of grappling it's like greco-roman i'm gonna get on top of it right i'm gonna get you i'm gonna get get you and i'll be you'll be in full guard or full mount or whatever it is like i'm getting on top and i'm choking you out like i will have i must rather yes well you know why i why i didn't see that as a feminine thing at first because for me the most terrifying thing anyone can do which is oh really only males do to me is don't you don't text me just put call me as a text and nothing makes me more terrified yeah well we're uh brevity is the soul of wit and for for men men men answer that's mike august and it's like mike you can send mike august an email that says uh who's who's coming in is ted cruz coming in tonight or simon morley coming in tonight he'll write yes sounds good great all right great great will be his response to that to that email this is not even fucking worth it anymore so it's so it's it's such an insane conversation circle you can get into with that guy all right so where we were last night but where we're heading tonight um we're with the roosevelt last night roosevelt oh first we're at the el capitan and then we went to the roosevelt oh you screened the movie in the in the theater yes how'd that go i kind of feel like you should have been there i'm not gonna lie to you it went extremely well i've been there yeah oh i thought it was tonight it is oh i'll give you the tumor yeah the reason i was confused because there's barbecue out there from a dinner that's left over i thought that was tied to a screening you had for sponsors it is but not not we didn't do a screening we had a party okay i didn't know that that's why i said burning toast that's why i said did you screen the movie do you have a yearning to eat charcoal fairly logical chain of questioning no uh i don't know well look gina wasn't confused so that's it schedule emri huge tell mike august just text me and said he understood what's wrong with brian just worked great yeah um you guys are going tonight yep el capitan and if you're listening this was last night um and then we will go to the roosevelt hotel which is right on the corner and because nissan's a big part of this thing and it's newman i said we're bringing the cars um and where are we going to put the cars well we were going to put them in the back behind jimmy's theater out in the parking line but noise ordinance whatever can't do it so now we're at the roosevelt how we get in the cars inside the roosevelt hotel answer one of them can be pushed through two big doors but the big cars are so wide because they're race cars that wow they are being craned in uh there's what the crane looks like that's a good amount of feet off the ground uh we'll show you a little video i i don't even know how it's possible i don't know how or i thought they were lifting it over a fence not over a 15-story building does it scare you to see that image no but you can i mean yeah i mean i know it worked out here's lowering it down in between i mean these guys who operate these cranes lower the stuff to the ground and they're like oh my god it's a tight squeeze down in in a like dropping a shoe box into another shoe he's getting some bamboo there on the uh that's not a lot of room to spare you got lattice on one side and bamboo on the other uh trellis absolutely insane but uh you can uh you can show when you go to adam crowell.com you can check out the video and it's pretty insane you're looking at the big newman car but gary show us a picture of the thing like up up in the sky again or a video when it's up in the sky if you could um the thing that's fun is when you see the movie and then go see the cars that's why i want it because when after you see the movie you go oh that's him that's the car he was driving in that thing there's just some sort of connect the dots that you really can't i had it i told you lynette was like a long time after i had a lot of these cars and drove a lot of these cars and races she saw the documentary like hey i was like hey that's what i've been saying yeah but uh that's what it takes uh anyway uh the thing i i can't believe how high it put and and uh nate was smart he put gopros in the car so oh cool behind the scenes look at the bird's eye view of what's going on but these things are these things are 15 stories high getting craned in i i just i don't even know how anything works anymore all right gary that's good uh we'll give you the we got some calls uh ted cruz uh calling it simply oh no let's talk about simply safe yeah smart home Security, SimpliSafe. Dawson just got himself set up over at SimpliSafe. I heard you talking about it, so I went and called the company, and I just got the box the other day. The whole alarm system comes in a really small box. Everything's totally wireless. No cords, no cables. And the coolest thing about it is, I mean, I was going through an inventory. I probably got like $80,000 in audio gear in my house that can't be protected. And so I'm like, I need to get this alarm system, and it's pretty awesome. I'm looking forward to setting it up. Over $100,000 worth of bongs, by the way. $80,000 in the audio department. Right, right. People don't. They know not to mess with a man's bong. But, yeah, you go online. You go, here's how many doors and windows I have or motion detectors I need or whatever. You put your package together, and then the package shows up. And, you know, you don't think you can set up an alarm system because you're drilling holes and pulling wires and crawling underneath houses. It's all sticky tape and magnets. And they even got smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors, all that stuff. It's great. All there. You also have around-the-clock protection. Just $15 a month. No contract. So get the same protection as Mike Dawson, everybody. Go to simplysafeadam.com. Get 10% off. Simplysafeadam.com. Get yourself 10% off. All right. So we got some calls up there. Opinion. Okay, we'll just start at the top. We're way down. Hey, Chris, 33. Hey, Champ, how are you? Oh, man. If only. If only. Thus it begins. Good, Champ. What's going on? Dawson, big fan. So, yeah, here's my question. You're driving on the highway, and you throw your blinker on. You're trying to change lanes. And the person that's a little bit behind you to the right or left sees the blinker come on and speeds up. I want to find out if you've encountered that situation, if you've been that person. What are you thinking, and what can we do to stop that? I also, the cousin of that person is the person who sort of lives in your blind spot. Just sort of pulls up and lives, just lives there. They just settle in to your blind spot. They are going to make sure that their front bumper is lined up exactly with the handle that opens the passenger side door of your car, and they will live there. They will set up camp like fucking Occupy Wall Street. Yeah. And they will live in your blind spot, and they will live there. And then you will see them, and you'll put your blinker on for 10 frames, and they're like, they're still just, and then at a certain point, I do a move where I see them, and I do a little move, and they start honking the horn like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And it's like, what are you looking for out of life? What are you getting out of this? And by the way, you need to check the dude out. He's a 50-year-old guy, and it's like, you've been driving for a long time. Is this what you've learned? And he gets out of the car. And he gets out of the car and accuses you of not remembering his name. That's right. Same guy. And I'm like, listen, champ, don't drive in anyone's blind spot. Chris is calling from Philadelphia, so maybe this speed-up thing is kind of an East Coast thing. Out here in L.A., well, I don't see that as much, but Adam's thing is indicative of people are mostly tuned out, like just kind of out to lunch, and they don't notice what you're doing, and they're kind of in your blind spot, or they're not going fast enough. Yeah, I think that's part of it. I think part of it is they're tuned out, and then when they tune in, so when they see that blinker come on, and they say, all right, well, no, I'm not going to let you come in. I'm going to speed up. So it's more of like an aggressive. Yeah, no, there's definitely, there's that person. There's the person that's dragging their ass in the fast lane, so you pull out from behind them, go into the next lane, go around them, and then go back into the fast lane, and they start riding your bumper. Now, they've gone from 57 miles an hour to 81 miles an hour, but they were going 57 for the last three miles. That's why you dare. You dare to pass, His Highness. You know, it's like, by the way, here's what I think is going on. I feel like almost everything has turned into some sort of how dare you shame me, and I'm not shaming you. I'm trying to get to work. Yeah. Stop. It's a crazy but narcissistic internalization of everything happening. As a reflection on. We don't know you exist. We don't care that you exist. You don't exist. You don't exist. You exist in the form of a car that's in front of us, and a sea of never-ending cars. We're just trying to get to work. Why are you internalizing the, hey, what the fuck? Oh, hey, now I got to settle this guy's hash because he didn't see me, or he went around me, or whatever. Why so important? And you know what he's saying to his passenger? Everybody's trying to get into my lane. Why is everyone cutting me off? Yeah. It's my, everybody's getting in my lane now. People are very territorial over the very small stretch of freeway they happen to be on at that moment. Yeah. And can I say to everybody, whether you break into Dawson's pad and steal 80 grand worth of AV equipment, or somebody cuts you off on the highway, don't really, don't go through life taking it personally. Yeah. It is, it's a junkie trying to get a fix. It's a guy running late for work. It's not, it really has little to do with you. Mm-hmm. Little to do. I think that's the scariest notion. It's almost sort of trickle down religion, which is what we talked about it before. There's look, I'm not I'm not I don't know if there's a heaven, but I know that there's something else after this. I mean, I'm going some it's me after all. I'm going somewhere. There's got to be something. This is a sort of the answer for me. The atheist is no, no, there isn't. And you don't. This will be it. But also it's a sort of trickle down theory of I do exist. I and whatever happens around me is because it happens to me or because of me or whatever, whatever it is. It's a it's a it's it's almost it's kind of superstitious native stuff. You know, like you don't the volcano going off doesn't have anything to do with you. Put a lot of thought into these freeway drive. Yeah. Maybe I'm up in my head. Maybe she just cranked some steely tan and called the fuck off. Good day, Michael. Yes. Thirty eight. New Orleans. What's happening? Hey, Adam, how are you doing? Good. As I say all the time, I have a stutter. So excuse me. You call me Pete the Puma a couple of times. And I love that reference. All right, champ. Oh, no, wait. I can call you Pete the Puma. Yeah, you know him. Yeah. All right. All right. I like the show cops and the news. This is coming to where it looks like a show like cops with all these video of police doing stuff or whatever. What I've seen on cops for the 20 years it's been on is if someone does something bad, really bad, you know, and they're running from the police in their, you know, run over some people getting trying to get away or running on their feet, whatever. If they just stop. And say, all right, I'm not going to get away and go and, you know, go on the ground, put their hands behind them before the cops get there. That's not good enough for the cops. Like it's never good enough. They want their two cents. And well, they want that. It's not they don't want two cents. They want a pound of flesh. That's right. That's our cops are wired. They've always been wired that way. And by the way, up until recently. We've always accepted that. I don't know why, but that's right. You run from the cops. You cause them to do something that they think might be dangerous to them when they catch you. Then they put a beating on you. That's because they're beating you as they're chasing you. They're thinking, I'm going to beat shit out of this guy when I get not like, oh, I've got a lot of pointed questions to ask this. They are planning on beating you while they're chasing you. That's it. That's what they're thinking about the entire time. And the more you put them through on the way to them catching you, the more of a beating you catch. And if you're endangering them, you know, every time they have to jump a fence and jump into someone's backyard with a dog in it or something like that, that's one extra punch. Yeah, you're getting it's sad. It's not much different than, sadly, the police dogs, the canine units. The dog will chase and chase and chase. And then when the dog gets to you, they don't just growl and keep you at bay. They jump on you. And somebody then has to come remove the dog from you. That's how cops traditionally have always worked. And probably up until Rodney King, it was this sort of accepted. No one filmed it. And everyone just went, yeah, we're going to get shit kicked out of you because you ran from cops. They just kicked the shit out of a guy who took off on a horse. Yeah. Around here. And once they got him off the horse, they all proceeded to kick the shit out of him. But tase him first and then kick the shit out of him. Right. Just to make sure he wouldn't get up. I think one even punched a horse. They blame the horse. For good measure? Like Mongo? To know not to do it again. He's got a horse a lot. He's an accomplice. Somebody's got to coach that horse up. Should have known. Cops were yelling, whoa, the whole time. And that fucking horse didn't stop. Once. So cops do that. Now, if the guy they pull off. If the horse is black, then they go, oh, that's why they beat the shit out of him. If the horse is black. If the horse is black, then they go, oh. If the guy they pull off the horse is anything other than black, we just understand that's cops being cops. You see? There's no reason. That's right. No reason for Jesse Jackson to march on cops beating the shit out of everyone. They flee. You flee. They beat. That's how it works. It'd be nice if they didn't do that. Now, we're putting cameras on everybody. I mean, I think when they, I haven't even seen, I just heard about it, but when there was a news copter flying above the horse filming the whole thing while the cops were kicking the shit out of the guy, you would think that the camera would dissuade them from kicking the shit out of people on camera? Strange that it's fuel. I mean, it's been over 20 years since Rodney King, right? Yeah. Over 20 years. That should have been appropriate. About the time the cops went, you know what? There's lots of folks hanging around with cameras. Maybe we should stop being the shit out of everybody. Does not work. Why does that not work? Well, because cops aren't that far from criminals. I like the show cops. And once you flip the switch in the cop, you do not unflip the switch until he's done beating the shit out of somebody. It was, uh, I was taken down. I was taken down by a police dog before doing a stunt, but I was taken down by a police dog. How terrifying was that? It was not comfortable. It made it especially uncomfortable. The guy's fallen off the horse. There's a police guy. Taser. Falls on the ground or he's laying on his belly and he's been tasered and he's just laying on his belly. And now, now the kicking, now the nonstop kicking and punching begins. Um, why? Because. Because they had to chase him. Uh, there's a helicopter directly overhead and there's a guy lying on his belly with his arms out who's been tasered and they're punching the crap out of the guy. And here comes more cops. Uh, please. Are they going to start kicking him too? Yes. Yes. More cops coming in and they're going to start kicking and punching. That's a very well behaved horse though. That's a good horse. They're still punching. All right. Um, the beatings are punitive now. They're not to like stop the guy from attacking or leaving. Right. They're just pissed. Well, I keep telling my, oh, don't tell me another. Oh, guy ran in. Guy ran in with one more, one more kick. Is he getting jumped into the gang? This is, this looks like gang shit. Yeah, this is a gang, gang initiation. All right. Can I, how many times have I said to black people, you don't get cops. They beat everybody. They beat more black people, but they will beat anyone who flees from them. You will get a beating. Yep. And that's the way they roll. Now, uh, when I was being attacked by the police dog, when I was talking to the handler, it was marginally scarier than the dog. I said, you got a whistle, you got a command, like what's going to get the dog off me when we're a hundred yards down this strip and you're standing over here and the dog's trying to gnaw through the back of my neck. And he said, well, unfortunately it's kind of a switch. And when the switch gets thrown. It's kind of hard to undo it on throw. And, uh, there is no whistle that they blow or call that they yell out that gets the dog to immediately back off. It's him running up, kicking the dog in the ribs and pulling it off. Whoever it's trying to chew through. Which would be you. Right. Would argue that cops, not so much, not so different than the dogs that sometimes ride along with them in the patrol car. Yeah. Did you see anything different there that looked like, uh, uh, that, uh, meaning a switch was thrown. Oh yeah. There was a sustained effort. The switch was thrown. And once the switch is thrown, then a beating shall ensue. And not just that, but once others saw the switch thrown, their switch was thrown. I like, I like the hero who ran in after nine guys were on top of him. I mean, it's unclear if he could even find space in this guy's rib cage because it's being blocked by everyone else's boots. That's why he's a hero. He's found that space. Jesus Christ. And cops, could you please stop doing this? Because crazy junkie who stole a horse now gets $2 million of my fucking tax money because this is the activity that you guys participate in after you apprehend him. So when he's done serving his four months in prison, they'll then be another court case. This time, Mark Geragos is going to get him $2 million of our money. You assholes. Knock it off. Knock it off. Jesus goddamn Christ. I'm in love with that. All right. Let's see. Officers. Adam, think kids. Hey, Julie, 45, New York. Adam, get it on. Get it on, champ. Get it on. Listen, I grew up poor like you did. Now I'm a professional organizer and I work with people all the time who grew up the way we did that once they get money under their belt, they buy the shit out of everything. I'm not saying hoarding. I'm just saying they buy a lot of stuff and they love their stuff. When you talked about your wife taking the kids to the mall recently and you talked about them being able to pick out more than one baseball cap or one hat, you know, it's like they got all their favorite teams instead of just one for each of them. Yes. And the stuffies. And I love that. I love the stuffies because stuffies hold stuff. Come on over my house. There's an avalanche of stuffies that my son sleeps with. And that's okay. He has three that are road stuffies. Like when he's going into the living room to watch TV, they make the traveling team. Grab and go. Yeah. He's got Petey is the number one, Allie Al, and shit, I got to think of the name of the panda. He has a big panda. Petey is the small panda. Thank you. That's a small panda. That's the junior one. And then Allie Al. And then Cock Astray, I think is the other. Right. Is it female? Yeah. Obviously. The other panda. But either way, that's the traveling squad. And then he goes home. His bed is the menagerie, the petting zoo. But then when he goes and travels, that's how he does it. In just room to room. My bedroom, his thing. Yeah. So what are we to do? Well, stop. Duffy's holds stuff. That's really cool. But, you know, I mean, stuff that holds stuff is good. But I wonder, do you feel like there's a potential for your kids to kind of really take off with materialism? Maybe a little bit because your wife might possibly lean a little bit more that way than you do? I mean, you like cars. No. And that's great. That's where you spend your money. Thank you. That's great. Do that. Thank you. Thanks, Sheila. Thank you for the permission. Bye. Bye. Bye. Well, you know, but you're not a materialistic guy. Well, no, hold on. Hold on. How dare you? All around you. No. Hold on a second. My wife has an exceedingly healthy relationship with money as long as I make a lot of it. But she does not, she never, she doesn't buy jewelry. She doesn't buy, you know, if we're going to an event or something, she'll get a dress or something like that. But, I mean, she doesn't buy jewelry. And she, for good and for bad, really has, like, no relationship with money. Like, the deal is, the lights are on, there's a nice house and a nice car in the driveway, and that's, as long as the kid's got what they need, like, that's it. She's done. She has no, I'm going out shopping in her at all, which is the good side. The bad side is, I don't know what the mortgage is on the house, so it'd be good to get a It is one of these things where you sort of realize, be careful what you wish for, which I am married to a person who is not materialistic, which is bad for paying the mortgage, but good for, oh, shit, you spent 13 grand on a tennis bracelet that we don't, that's now worth four grand? Like, she has none of that. Right. None of that in her. So the thing about the kids, and I think, and I've told the. I've been careful to do this with food, as I've said many times, I was ruined by my parents, or my mom specifically, with food because she made it into such a taboo, sugar and desserts and sweets and breakfast cereal and stuff like that, that I literally became a fucking weirdo about it. I think we talk about it all the time. If you come in and you see your son looking at a Playboy at 14 and you start beating him with it. The Playboy's rolling up like he fell off a horse in Riverside in the Popo. You start doing. Other guys come into the room, start kicking him. That's only, that's going to be the only way he can finish. You're going to, that will be the only way, as an adult, he's going to have to hire Helga to kick him while he jacks off. Like, you will fuck him up. Give him this sort of, it's that sort of, I don't know, European thing, you know what I mean? Like, tops off at the beach, little kids running around, not fucking crazed about it. Look, you want a glass of wine? with dinner and you're 14 or 15 in europe no no big what but not freak out later on steal steal the booze go to the park you know what i mean like you're not creating energy around this so what i want with my kids and maybe this is just an excuse for lazy parenting uh i just don't want them to have the energy i have energy around food i have energy around poverty because i grew up around the oh we can't afford this we don't have that we didn't know much that caused turn off the lights like it's such a weird but you're doing that to yourself with the turn off the lights mindset i hate waste if you notice there's a huge pile of food here that you walked there was a huge pile of food there's a medium-sized pile of food there happens to be a large peanut gallery here today there's probably 10 people wandering around i had all the food super nice gourmet shit that was made for the the party last night i told max patta kaylin go get all that stuff bring it all over here and feed it to everyone here smart i do not want to throw away one scrap of it uh did i pay for that food yeah i did pay for that food or somebody paid for that food uh i don't want any compensation i want nothing going down the drain that that it bothers me it bothers me that there's 10 hungry people here a whole bunch of food and i don't want to go down the drain i don't want to go down the drain and i don't want to go down the drain i don't want to go down the drain i don't want to go down the drain and we're not putting the two together that that bothers me i haven't eaten any of it but uh i ate it last night i probably overdid it and that's why i'm taking it easy today but it's the waste the switching is the waste not the money okay but i grew up with energy around a lot of stuff and i'm hoping that my kids grow up feeling secure but not feeling that energy you know like gotta get it gotta get it because i feel like it is the people that didn't grow up around it that have more energy that makes sense i think that's julia's question julie julia julia's julia's question champ yeah no actually that's exactly it adam i mean what i see and and what i feel sometimes is that when you grow up in poverty and you have that forbidden fruit in front of you all the time when people finally get some scratch under their you know their waistband they're like oh right well i mean a little wonky look i mean look at you know floyd mayweather or the rapper community you know they grow up in the projects like 11 people living in two rooms and then at a certain point you got a bunch of chicks and thong backs and you're making it rain and you're lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills like literally you've you've grew up in such crazy poverty that you you obviously look at that community and look at how that works think about how that relationship works well yeah the the director who was in here last night belly corbin it's the cliche that he direct he directed the cliche documentary which is broke the 30 for 30 thing where you know the athletes come into a ton of money after being poor most of their lives and they end up broke right so it's cliche well and i think a good way to to acknowledge that your kids aren't like that now specifically is because the few times i've met him when when kids even little kids have a lot and they know they have a lot they love to show it to anyone who look at it look what i have look what i have look what i got look what i'm gonna get and i've never seen your kids do anything like that oh well they're seashells that they collected set me back a pretty penny i'd hire someone to comb the beach i wonder you know trying to keep my kids real yeah of course i hired a guy to comb the beach seashells yeah um yeah they're they're good kids they're sweet kids you guys will see them tonight and they don't have any energy and that's sort of what i i think about all we could hope for for anybody just in any facet of life money i mean basically money food sex alcohol whatever the vice part of life is gambling i would like i would like i don't i don't want my son to go i will not gamble i cannot gamble i have that you know i i i beat him with a ruler if i saw him gambling now go to vegas once a while and play some have some fun make some money make some money lose some money whatever it is don't feel the need to do it or not do it that's what i think you know and it's like have a drink have a drink socially have a drink whatever smoke pot try it out have fun do it on the weekends whatever do it when you come home after a long day of whatever you're doing for a living what are you talking about after a long shoot on the set with the gay porn go home and unwind take the edge off take the edge off with some nice reefer that's what i hope i don't want them to not do anything or to be super caught up in anything uh sexually anything so just a big flat line just one big pig to be able i mean i love it when you can say i i i the people i i think i find i like the most are i was uh i don't know why but I was with a friend of mine's, my daughter, and I was with my daughter's friend's dad. And it's, you know, neighborhood friends playing the sports. Daughters are best friends. One of the guys, a real successful kind of engineer, architect guy, firm does major, major projects. You know, they're the guys who build the roller coasters and do the, you know, they'll do like the Simpsons ride at Universal Studios and stuff like that. Like that's the kind of firm he runs. And he's a very successful guy. He's a real nice guy. And it's a Saturday. And he's, you know, finally wants his daughter's playing with my daughter. And he says, you know, I want to see, I've been dying to see your shop the whole time. I said, fine, let's come over. Let's go. Let's take the daughters and let's go there. And we go to the shop. It's like one in the afternoon. And I say to the guy, you want a beer? And he said, yeah, I love beer. And he didn't need three and he didn't get weird or anything. He just like. Yeah, it's Saturday. We're walking around. Why not have a beer? And he's a pro and he's educated and he's a big time guy and have a beer. And that's what I like. I don't want that. Well, I can't because I or I need nine beers. Don't be pulled in either direction. Right. Dialed in. Ted Cruz being dialed in on the line. Senator. Adam, great to be with you. Great to be with you, man. Thank you so much for calling in. And thank you so much for wanting to eliminate. The IRS driving me nuts. Boy, I'll tell you, April 16th is a day when a whole lot of folks, you know, move into a simple flat tax and just padlocking the IRS. I think that is a powerful populist issue. And today's the day when it's it's on people's minds. Well, if you want to talk about an issue and here we are always talking about, you know, gay rights or immigration or whatever it is, the transgender community or something. Fine. But that doesn't impact the entire country, literally everyone. This impacts, hopefully literally everyone who's born into this country. So it is a good place to start in terms of policy. I don't. And Senator, you tell me, it seems weird when politicians get really caught up in nothing and they're missing sort of the big picture. Why do they do a lot of times? What politicians are trying to do is distract the voters with smoking. Smoke and mirrors rather than talk about the issues that really matter to their lives. So what would you do? And I always hear about the flat tax and all that kind of stuff. And of course, we should. Everybody should champion this cause because the poor people are saying, hey, man, tired of rich folk not paying their fair share or even paying taxes. Can I tell you, by the way, Senator, as a rich folk, I am devastated. I grew up my entire life with poor people going, well, you know, as soon as. You get rich, you just buy a windmill and you write it off and you don't pay a penny. And I get reamed for taxes quarterly. Like it's not once a year, four times a year. I get, I get, I just get punished and pummeled. I had no idea this is where it was going to be like this. Well, and, and the sad reality is much of the political rhetoric you hear is, is just not true. So, so, so for example, the, the Democrats love to say that, that, that Republicans are the party of the rich, but, but here's the truth of the matter. The rich do just fine under big government. Big business does fantastic under big government. It gets in bed with big government, has armies of lawyers and lobbyists and accountants. The people who are getting hammered are the people who are struggling. Right now today, this is an astonishing statistic. The top 1%, the millionaires and billionaires that the president loves to demagogue, earn a higher share of our national income today than any year since 1928. The rich have done well under big government, but you know who's getting hammered? Yeah, that's right. Sorry, who's getting hammered? That's our team. But, but the people who are getting hammered are young people, they're Hispanics, they're African-Americans, they're single moms. They're people who are struggling to, to, to, to achieve the American dream. They're, they're, they're people like my dad who 57 years ago fled Cuba with nothing, couldn't speak English, had $100 in his underwear and washed dishes making 50 cents an hour. Those are the people getting hammered right now. Well, what's different back up versus then versus now? Versus your father's America when he came here from Cuba. How did he get here? from Cuba. Oh, you could do it back then. He came legally, he came on a student visa. He had fought in the Cuban Revolution. He actually fought with Fidel Castro. Now, he didn't know Castro was a communist, and none of the kids fighting did. They just knew Batista was a cruel and oppressive dictator. And when he was a teenager, Batista's thugs threw him in prison and beat him halfway to death. And he fled to go to the University of Texas in 1957. So what is different between your father's America and our America in 2015? Well, you know, if you look to American history and American economic history, you can see a clear cause and effect. Every time the federal government pursues the policies of out-of-control spending and taxes and regulations, the result is that the federal government pursues the policies of economic stagnation and misery and malaise. The result is people who are struggling find it harder and harder to achieve the American dream. On the flip side, every time we pursued the policies of tax reform and regulatory reform, lessening the burden of Washington upon hardworking Americans, the result has been incredible economic growth. That was true in the 1920s. It was true in the 1960s. It was true in the 1980s. What we've got to get back to, you know, you think of all the young people right now, you think of all the young people right now who are coming out of school, and they're up to their eyeballs in debt, and they're scared, are they going to get a job, are they going to start getting skills towards a career, or are they going to work part-time as a barista at Starbucks? We've got to get back to an environment, an environment like the environment my dad saw as a teenager coming out of the University of Texas, where young people can come out and have two, three, four, five job opportunities, begin building skills to build a career. And the way you do that is by building skills to build a career. And the way you do that is getting Washington off of the back of small businesses so they can create jobs and opportunities so young people can have a better future. Well, I know, especially living here in California and so many businesses fled to your state of Texas because it just becomes impossible. I tell everyone the Joel McHale, you know, I don't like to name drop, Senator, but Joel McHale, a friend of mine from The Soup and many movies. And he bought a, he's not, he's from Washington State, I think is where he's from, but he bought a house up in the Hollywood Hills. And he knows I'm a former contractor. And he said, I'm putting a pool in the backyard. I'm going to put a pool in the backyard. I just said, good luck. And he said, what do you mean? And I said, next time I see you in a few months, tell me how that's going. And he got back to me and he came back a few months later. And I said, how's that pool going? He's like, oh, God damn. And I said, what? And he said, soils report, test report, tests. And he kept going and going and going. He said, I couldn't afford a $400,000 pool in my backyard. And I said, well, what are you doing? And he said, the kids use the neighbor. There's a gay couple lives across the street. They use a gay guy's pool. And I said, good. The contractor doesn't get to work. The guy who manufactures the rebar doesn't get to work. The guy who makes the gunite doesn't get to work. The pool man who's going to be servicing that pool weekly does not have a gig. Everyone's lose, lose, lose. And I drove Brian Cranston to the airport. He's shooting Breaking Bad New Mexico. Supposed to be in Riverside. He's leaving. Pool guy's leaving. Everyone's leaving. So should we get some more regulation going? Well, I guess you can be glad that at least Cranston didn't bring the Mexican drug cartels to shoot up Riverside. That's good. Speaking of government helping small business, Ted Cruz, you know what you guys can do, especially in Texas, is patent reform. What patent rules go take people to court? Because it's very favorable for them. What is your take on that? You know, I think it is very important to do two things at the same time with regard to patent reform. That number one, we need to limit abusive litigation. And I've long been an opponent of trial lawyers abusing the system to enrich themselves at the expense of job creators. Thank you. But number two, I think it's important to protect intellectual property. And so you've got to make sure that people who are innovators, they're going to be able to protect intellectual property. People who are innovators, people who are inventing and designing new technologies have the ability to protect their IP. And so it's a balance in terms of how you reform it. And you want to do both at the same time. Well, where do you come down? And then I'll ask you about taxes and we'll let you get on with your busy day, which I'm sure is very hectic. But I want to know, I feel, Senator, that we make rules and then they get away from us. And we end up, hurting ourselves with our rules. It's like you go through the airport, you see the 68 year old elderly woman getting going through the metal detector having to be carried because we can't push your wheelchair through it. And then at some point, somebody yells at her to take her shoes off and put them through the scanner. And it's like, why are we doing this to ourselves? Why? Yes, there should be rules that protect innovation. There shouldn't be guys who hang their shingle in Lubbock, Texas, and sue everybody. around them to just get paid off for the threat of taking them to court. Why can we let common sense start trickling back into the land that is built on common sense? Well, I think we need to. And part of the problem is the way Washington works right now is that Washington's fundamentally broken. I've said a lot of times, I think the biggest divide we have politically in this country is not between Republicans and Democrats. The biggest divide we've got is between career politicians in Washington in both parties and the American people. And I think the central issue that's going to be facing this country in 2016 in the elections is, do you want Washington playing a bigger and bigger role in your life? Or do you want more freedom, more opportunity to get back to the Constitution and get Washington out of our life? And part of the problem when legislation on patent reform or anything else comes up is right now the way Washington resolves it, it's a battle of the lobbyists. Whoever has the most lobbyists ends up getting elected officials rushing to hand out special favors. We need to make government less and less relevant in our lives and have as much decision making as possible being made by individual citizens, by each of us, rather than some unelected bureaucrat in Washington. I concur. And, you know, you've got Hillary Clinton on one side, you've got Jeb Bush on the other. What do you think of the two? Oh, look, I like Jeb Bush. I think he was a good governor in Florida. I think people are going to have to make a choice of whether they want to elect someone who's going to continue business as usual in Washington, who's going to continue to grow government, grow government spending and power and debt, or whether they're going to have someone who's going to stand with the people and be willing to stand up to both parties in Washington. You know, if you want, someone will go along to get along. There are a lot of choices. Jeb Bush being one of them, perhaps? You know, I'll let the voters figure that out and assess the record of each of ours. But I'll tell you, in my time in the Senate, what I've tried to do more than anything else is, number one, tell the truth, and number two, do what I said I would do. And for that reason, you know, when we launched our for president three weeks ago, the New York Times explained that Cruz cannot win because the Washington elites despise him. That's the greatest compliment ever, right? There you go. That's the central point of our campaign. If you want the Washington elites, go with someone else. But if you want to change things, then we've got to be willing to stand up and say, this doesn't make any sense. This just in, Hitler and Charles Manson, not a fan of Ted Cruz. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if you know that. Put that on the bumper sticker. TedCruz.org is where you go if you want to support Ted. I want to support Ted. I love me some Ted Cruz. And I just finally want to ask, I've heard all about the flat tax. I just don't know how it would be implemented and what the rate would be and how it would work. Could you coach me up just a little bit? So I have laid out broad principles. We have not yet rolled out a specific tax plan. We are developing it right now. So we will be rolling it out in the coming months. But what I've said is we should have a simple flat tax that's fair, that lets every American fill out his or her taxes on a postcard. So it's a simple rate that applies to everyone. And which would enable us, number one, it would reduce hundreds of billions of dollars of compliance costs that people are paying all across this country. Number two, it would produce enormous economic growth. Number three, it would enable us to abolish the IRS, to get government out of our lives in a very fundamental way. And the most potent reason to support a flat tax is it reduces the power of Washington politicians. Right now, where lobbyists in Washington focus the most is on special tax exemptions and loopholes. There are more words in the IRS code today than there are in the Bible. Wow. If you've got flat tax that applies to everyone, that means politicians, have less power to extract favors and to extort the private sector it keeps power where it belongs with the american people that's a very good note to go out on tedcruz.org is where you go if you want to know anything about ted and contribute and find out about him very impressive background by the way very impressive story senator thank you very much for phoning in thank you my friend god bless you god bless you senator ted cruz everybody a good get mike august all right uh it's actually me oh good get now the people emailed me he said can we get him on your show i said talk to mike august oh so it really was kind of mostly mike august all right but that's sweet all right so uh we'll take a quick break we'll talk a little puppetry of the penis next it's time to check adam's voicemail hey adam good year comment on billy joe i just haven't heard you comment on it and uh whether you like his music or you respect his music thanks you can leave us a message at 888-634-1744 yeah uh definitely some billy joe songs i like and definitely some billy joe songs that suck i'm not saying that i don't like they just suck but i'm with you but some tool tunes in there overall uh a great artist he's on my top 10 favorites i love billy joe same in concert twice i don't see either of you liking still rock and roll to me no not really but it has some good songs that are deeper cuts simon morley in studio thank you for having me puppetry of the penis finally simon in studio he brought his junk your white whale it's white all right uh your fleshy whale it's about the ancient uh australian art of genital origami i never thought of it uh that way is it how much is this your is this all you is are you the man well i used to be the man i started the show with someone else back in australia but we've uh you know it's been a couple of years since i've seen my own penis let alone anyone else seen mine we've got some much younger and fitter boys performing the show nowadays uh-huh we're franchised they're smart you're like blue man blue balls blue balls exactly uh-huh uh-huh i don't know why uh sorry just a quick side note it made mike lynch and i were in here uh earlier it's nothing to do with penises or anything it's just a complete sidebar i was sitting here and i was sitting with mike lynch and i did the uh oh hey go get me matt don't do it but i said uh get me matt fondelier i need to talk to him and i couldn't finish saying fondelier before the door he just burst open all the fondelier and all his glory just burst through the door and i was like it was startled both of us and i said uh i said oh hey jew aid like uh kool-aid because it was like oh yeah hey and it came into it and and then we said uh oi vey and it busted our shit up you guys aren't laughing you had to be here you just had to be here when uh jew aid popped uh popped through through the door oi vey all right so simon yeah you started doing this and a how is it i've never seen it before right so do you go out completely naked or no no we couldn't do that no no there's capes there's capes there's capes but the capes come off after a few minutes but there are shoes involved but apart from the shoes there is uh yeah you're completely naked and what we do we have a camera in the front row and when an installation as we like to call them is performed the camera zooms in and the camera zooms in and and it puts it two stories high on a big screen ah right the folks up in the uh negro balcony can see what's the white man's doing with his junk on stage i like that change oh i know mostly for the better um so the the move now how does one prepare one's genitalia to go through these machinations and then can anybody i imagine there are a couple of moves anyone can do that one can do but then there's a couple that are out of reach sure for a lot of folks let's just say the the more clay the sculptor has to work with the more he can create so you know whereas someone might be able to do a big mac someone else can do a slider um but you know there's there's there is a there's quite a few tricky ones we do like about 38 of them in the show uh-huh which is a lot when you're considering just working with a penis a couple of testicles and a scrotum yeah yeah no it's a there's that that there's a lot yeah and you know that way no taint no anus just no but there are you know i there are obvious flashes of it throughout the show now this is this has been i i we we kid but this has been a pretty lucrative endeavor for you right yeah the show's been to over 35 countries now um it's been performed in five languages i'm just about to go over to milan where we're launching it in uh italy with some italian boys here they're going to be at knott's berry farm and spill can corner so you and the family want to come on out in the la area now uh it is out here they're uh at the uh let's see where oh the jewel box in las vegas is right there at 8 p.m except for tuesdays no shows on tuesdays um what percentage do you think of people and and by the way success wise we have we have collectively way more questions for you than we did for ted cruz so that's that's it with the flat tax i can do ted cruz actually is there i don't do you can you do any celebrity i've just well we've just launched a new one last night that's our kim kardashian oh amazing oh my god i'm gonna break the internet we're gonna put a big crack in it yeah please put that on the website kardashian we'll send it to you up top and harass is the sack wow a couple of balls tryouts for new talent must be something well we had auditions a couple of weeks ago you know it tends to bring all the nutbags out of the woodwork uh every now and then you get a like-minded nice young guy who just wants to you know get his change his life track uh-huh you know i think everybody traveling the world getting his penis out for an hour and i'm getting paid rather well so uh-huh living the dream do you have kids i do i've got a little boy and a girl their schools have career day it's gotta be great yeah yeah no they uh no one really knows what i'm up to and i've my wife's promise that i'm not allowed to do it within 50 miles of our house so and and again it's got to be an incredibly lucrative franchise because i don't know anyone who's not heard of it which you can't really say if you're talking about a brand of booze or almost anything in life if or a band or anything if everyone universally is hurt you know i don't go oh puppetry the penis someone goes huh like we maybe maybe we're now a way maybe we gotta go to my camera but uh well once you see it as therapy you've just got to talk about it you're gonna tell you know whether you like it or not you're just gonna talk about it because it is i mean it's mental how much of it how what what percentage would you would you say for the audience is just pure curiosity seekers versus folks that have gone and went oh man speaking of being blown i just had my mind blown and uh you gotta come with me and see what these guys are doing with their junk yeah i i'd say it's probably half half you know people see our billboards around they you know they they've heard about the show and there's a lot of curiosity but then it's you know there's a lot of people that will come to the show have a their mind blown but then they'll have to bring everyone they know yeah you know we actually had this woman coming the other day and she was completely blindfolded this older woman and all her kids just brought her along and they had no idea and of course just you know when the junk came out they whipped off the blindfold and mama got a hell of a shock so people take their families yeah oh we've had like three generations of women is that an age restricted show uh well you know this is a because it's not sexual it's not sexual there's it's so obviously not sexual but you know i mean i think it's really up to the uh it's up to you know yeah the parents i mean pg-13 yeah you know some people just see the word penis and freak out let alone you know i i personally think every 15 16 year old girl should see this show you know just to um you know my daughter yeah yeah you pop one of your tests one of your testes out and then yell give me your shoes motherfucker scared straight yeah yeah all right all right uh let's see yes a technical question about what you do sure i imagine i haven't thought about it much before now but i imagine that would not be a good thing to have. Are these guys, do you encourage? They're sort of trimmed down. I mean, you know, you've got to be able to see it. That's what we're all thinking. But, you know, we don't want to see like a bald cocky out there. It's, you know, it's like. No. That's just, you know, I don't know. The completely clean thing just looks a bit freaky to me. How long is the average show? Well, everyone used to think it was six. That show runs about an hour. Runs about an hour. Yeah, which is plenty. That's enough. Have there been any workplace injuries with this kind of work? Not really. I mean. Ocean never had to get involved? Well, there is one part of the show where. A guy does a handstand and someone holds his legs in the air. We call that the fruit bat. And a couple of times he's been dropped on his head or toppled into the audience. You ever had a guy go postal out there and just decide he's going to turn it into the worst Gallagher concert ever? Sprays fire into the audience. Marking his territory in the front row. Grandma, put that blindfold back on. You're going to need eye protection. You're mine now. You were talking about a video that would go viral. Seriously. That would work. You ever get any celebrities in there? We've had them. I've actually had Elton John. Ron Jeremy, everybody. Are you even doing the show? No, no. Well, like the Pussycat Dolls. They'll get, I don't know, some hot chick to get up there and dance Carmen Electra. Get out there, shake her Paris Hilton. They'll shake her Moneymaker a little bit. I don't know. Yeah, we, it's our golden rule. We never work hard. You don't want any pretty girls around. You couldn't get Liam Neeson to get up there? He's a fucking one. Your window's closing for Bruce Jenner. Fucking hurry. I know. Get on it. Or it'll never close because. Yeah, yeah. I would always need that. Special guest. Bruce Jenner's penis. His daughter's already in the show. Now, so. Yeah, it must be Elton John. Elton John held the legs. Hold on, the room's spinning. I mean, Charlton Heston, President Reagan, guys like that. Of course. You think those type. John Wayne, guys like that. But Elton John. Season tickets. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, so. I'm sorry. Where were? Tom Selleck. Guys like that. I assume are going to be there. But Elton John. Elton John. Elton John in the audience. Who would have thought? Nobody. By the way, if I go see Puppetry of the Penis and Elton John's not there, I'm pissed. I'm disappointed. Where's Elton? Is he okay? Is he taking ill? I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the cock and balls. I'd be like, is Elton okay? That was a great show, wasn't it? Elton wasn't there. He is more Elton. I was worried sick about him. Who else has been in the audience? Oh, we've had. Oh. We've had Beckham, Posh and Becks. We've had Bono. Bono actually came up and shook my hand and said, Simon, I love your cock. Quite safely, I think I'm probably the only person he's ever said that to. Who else? There was, oh, you know, most of the Spice Girls came along back in their day. Oh, yeah. Sure. John Travolta. There's another shock. Oh, come on. Do you need a cold towel out of him? What the? You think? Is there a patent forming here? I mean, you'd think John's reps would be like, no, I know it's a hot ticket. We can get you tickets, John. Yeah. You can go to other shows. Miss Saigon. You know what? Let's not go to any shows. Let's go to the ball game. Let's go to the tractor pull. Fly your plane again. So is, all right, I'm cracking up thinking about these guys in the audience. So how many years has this been going on? Fifteen. Fifteen glorious years. Conquering the world with my cock. And are your folks still alive? Yeah. Yeah. Extremely proud. I don't. Well, my mom hasn't been to the show. She still thinks I'm a disgusting little boy, but she hasn't invested in the Vegas season. Oh, really? Yeah. She put her own money into it. I don't think as far as your parents go, like they can never pipe up again in front of you. Like if you go, I'm thinking about buying some. I'm thinking about buying some rental property. They can't go. Well, listen, I don't know about because. Remember the last venture trip? Your harebrained ideas. Talking about making my cock into a pretzel in 1991 and you thought it was a shitty idea. Remember that? Yeah. Well, my old man actually travels the South Pacific with a statue of the Virgin Mary. You keep giving religious talks. Really? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh. A couple of times we've been in the same town and blew him out of the water. Is he? Well, now we know maybe. The genesis of the first. No, this actually came. He was like a reconvert. Oh, OK. Now, so is he OK with that? He's fine. You know, I don't know. I don't care. He believes in your nonsense. OK. I just did what we were talking earlier about letting kids just sort of grow up and not creating a energy around something. Yes. Maybe. The deeply religious fathers. What created the puppetry of the penis. Does that mean my son's going to be a priest? That's going to. No, I think what we're kind of saying is you've removed the stigma and the weirdness and all that so that your son and or daughter can just grow up to do what they want to do. I grew up very Catholic and I just I had to strip it away, you know. And oddly enough, you haven't made it weird for your kids. Exactly. Ironically. Exactly. It's going to be interesting in a few years when they get a little bit of that. A little older. But yeah, I mean, it's got to be weird, though, like when their kids were like, you know, young and going to parties and stuff like what's your dad do puppetry. Oh, awesome. We should have by to perform. But it is. Hold. Wait. Wait. Wait. Let me finish. Let's get them over. The kids are here. That's going to be awesome. Hold it. Puppetry of. Let me fit. You're not letting me finish. I've been practicing my balloon animals just so I can get out of this one. All right. Shall we do a little news? Oh, wait, wait. Don't get them off. Hold on. I thought you hung up your balls. No, no. I've got to. I've got to. Oh, okay. Sheena's very, very interested. I would be absolutely honored if you would do this for us. I'm now interested. It's cold in here, though. It's cold in here. It's cold in here. Oh, there it is. There it is. It's cold in here. Everybody's running in. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. Start with the hamburger. Gary is taking a picture. All right. Oh, now, I've got to say, I don't even know what part is cock and what's bun and what's meat. That's a lot of meat. You've got to take a bite to find out. The sesame seeds on the buns there, too. Oh, the sesame seeds on the buns. Yeah. Okay. What an artist. What an artist. I love how disgusted they are as they run in and clamor for space at the window. Oh, boy. The Loch Ness Monster. Oh, the Loch Ness Monster. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's surveying his land. That's Nessie. This one can frighten people a little bit. It's what we call the windsurfer. The windsurfer. Oh! Adjust your sails. Oh, the windsurfer. That is a lot of square footage. All right. Wow. Wow. Bravo. I can now go to my grave. A content and happy man. This is some bucket list shit that just happened, by the way. There you go. Really? Absolutely. Right. When you come to Vegas, you can do the fruit bat. Oh, my God. That would be amazing. They need help. Speaking of Vegas, Vegas.com, man. Oh, thanks. All right, Gina. Let's do a little news. All right. News with Gina Grad. Weird shit out of Florida. Sex surveys, Obama. Neat news with Gina, Gina Grad. All right. Thank you again, by the way. That was really quite incredible. Well, the L.A. Unified School District told Apple Incorporated this week that it will not spend another dollar on Pearson student information software installed on its iPads and is seeking a multi-million dollar refund from the technology giant, according to KPCC. The school district's attorney said the district is extremely dissatisfied with the work of Pearson on its technology initiative to get computers in the hands of each of the district's 650,000 students. How much money did that cost us? And I've said it a million times. Why do we equate money with education as just a one-to-one ratio? Like, all the fucking people that have read all the books and went on to write all the books, all the artists, all the just the folks that have gotten the scratch pads out, the penis puppeteers of the world, the heroes. Why is everything about money? It's about families and studying and doing your homework, right? Kids come home. My wife is on them. What's doing? Are you studying? What do you need? What communication? The fucking iPad. It's not going to make anyone smarter. Well, are you ready to be super pissed? Yes. L.A. Unified's iPad program was $1.3 billion. Whoa. Billion with an M. And again, did any of them, are they now just, we shot ahead. Oh, China, kiss our ass. Oh, we just fucking blew you out of the water now. And this thing is fraught with problems, including, yeah. What? First off, how could we not fuck this up? It's, it's, it's impossible. That's who we're just talking to Ted Cruz about this. Like, here's the thing. I would be all for, I would give the government 80% of my take and let them handle everything. If I could just. just get on the monorail and go downtown. with no traffic and no crime and everything was picked up on time and taken care of and I was adequately everything, I'd give them 85%. My problem with big government is I think they fuck up almost everything they get their hands on. Of course they're going to fuck it up because it's free money. So my wife and her friend, Jimmy Kimmel's ex-wife, started a business many, many, many years ago. This is Lush Spa? They're going to start a spa and it did not work out. And the reason it did not work out is because the people who paid for the business were me and Jimmy, not them. So there are no working 14 hours on a weekend when Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Adam are underwriting the thing. There's not a lot of early mornings and late nights. There's not a lot of meals at the desk. Did you get free massages? I didn't get shit but a bill. Now, it's not their fault. It really isn't their fault. It's not going to work because you want to start a business, you better bust your ass or in your case, sack. To get that and you're going to have to – the first fucking three years, you're going to be breaking even if you're doing it and you're grinding out every weekend and you're just fucking working 14-hour days. Now, somebody says, oh, no, I'll pay the mortgage on the place and I'll handle all the employees and we'll pay for the bill for the whatever. It's just not going to work. It can't work. I don't blame my wife or Gina's wife. It can't work because it's taken care of. And thus – Her name is Gina. Yes. Thus – sorry. Thus, there's not going to be a lot of weekends worked because it's taken care of. We've removed sort of the fire in the belly of the person whose money they're wasting is not their own. This is what the LA Unified School District does. This is what the government does. We give them a shitload of money and that's why it costs them – what's Elon Musk's cost to get someone to outer space? Versus NASA. What does it cost? Elon has to pay for it. That's why it doesn't cost that much. It's percentages of pennies on the dollar versus when the government gets involved. That's how it works. So will it ever inherently work out that we just give the government a bunch of money and they just bust their ass for the citizens that gave them a bunch of money and have all sorts? By the way, there are no consequences. Nobody gets fired. Nobody gets docked. Nothing gets – all right. Every one of these things that gets hacked into or doesn't get returned or whatever, that money is coming out of your check, LA Unified School District. The principals, the teachers, all coming out of you. Well, then we have a totally different environment, don't we? Now there's a dog in the fight. Yes. How is this ever going? How come people think this is going to work? Do you know? There's so little about the human condition that you – people are just going to work weekends, work overtime just for no reason, no gain monetarily, no loss, no incentive. Right. And no reason to keep things above board because there's tons of questions about how these tablets were procured in the first place. So it's just full of problems. The first price we paid, I think – we didn't even get a break on the two million units. You paid retail? The first stories I started hearing. The first story I started hearing is that we're paying more for one than you could get. I mean, it's like, well, why? That's the person who doesn't care. Well, and also there was some – there was a – let's say they were quite chummy with some of the people over there. Right. We'll use your company. It's fine. It's great. Yeah. And we'll use your company and we'll use our money, not my money, these guys who paid their taxes. I'm sure it made for a great headline, too, LAUSD to outfit every kid with – and it's a cool company. Apple is a cool company. So you're outfitting them all with iPads. Right. Makes a great story. Right. So what do you think? We went from 48th in the nation to what? I don't know. Did we get up to 47? Can we finally start mocking Mississippi? Where are we at? They're on our crosshairs. We can see them? That's right. Through a high-powered scope. Yes. All right. Watch out, Mississippi. We're nipping at your heels. All right. What else? Well, a nonprofit clothing company called Feminist Apparel has posted around – 50 signs in Brooklyn and Manhattan alerting passerbys that they've officially entered a no-cat-calling zone. The signs feature the silhouette of a cat that appears to be shooting lasers from its eyes at dancing stick figures. The laser remains unexplained, but the bottom of the sign says, end street harassment. Yeah. All right. Well, again, when we're talking to Ted Cruz and I said, why don't we start with the big stuff and then we'll get down to the little stuff. Free the nipple. Let's just concentrate on that. I'll free the nipple. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The puppetry, the penis, and the free the nipple folks, are you guys friends? It's Hatfield and McCoy. Actually, we're working on free the scrotum. We think, you know, they should be able to walk around with a little check. They should be able to walk around. A little dangle. Yeah, especially on a nice, cool day, you know. Yeah. Yeah, one nut out. It can get a little swampy down there. Hell, yeah. And I'm doing – I've walked 36 blocks here in Manhattan. I want them to breathe. We'll air it out. We'll air it out. See how that goes. Free sack. Yeah. Free the sack. Mm-hmm. Free the sack. All right. Everyone's a hero. Everyone's a – I don't think if people just sit around and go, what's going to make me look like a super progressive hero? This will be it. Also, do people know what catcalling means? Is that like an old-timey term? I think it's old-timey. Really? Well, what do you call it then? I don't know if catcalling is in the – obviously, we know what it means. I'm wondering if it's in the general lexicon that people are just sort of walking around. Yeah, I don't know. Is it – I – I – Gary, you tell me, but you guys all chime in. I've been to New York a lot, and I have done a lot of trucking in New York. I mean, I will walk. I was staying up at the Trump whatever across from Central Park, and I walked down to Ground Zero and turned around and walked back. And Gary does the same thing, too. And I've – everywhere I go, if I can, I walk in New York. Yeah. It's fucking subways. Okay. But the cabs sometimes. Or more backed up than the walking. And it's fun. It's nice. It's good. I haven't heard a catcall. Not toward me. Really? Wait a second. Even when I'm dressed to the nines. Hold on. No, I've not heard. But I'm walking amongst other people, and some of them are good-looking. Like, I've passed – definitely, when you walk through Manhattan, you will pass models and chicks that are just looking fine. Have you guys heard anything? Yes. Maybe, like, once or twice, but that's – but, I mean, I walk a lot in New York. That video that we played. That video that we played with the Michael Che thing a few months back did not seem – that didn't seem to be an average eight hours, in my experience. But I'm not a hot chick, so. You're not a hot chick. But I've walked amongst a lot of hot chicks in very crowded areas for many, many a mile. I follow them all the time. I'm not – that's what I'm saying, yeah. I've not heard anything. I mean, I wouldn't call it an epidemic, is what I'm saying, because I've been there and walked it. I have a theory about this, about why you haven't heard it from – with hot chicks. I used to live in New York, and I remember all the time. It's, hey, mommy, and it's hissing at you, and it's all kinds of – it's smile. Leave the shoes out of this. Thanks. Yes. But I have to say, and I don't mean to be willfully self-deprecating, but I think the hotter the chick is, the more intimidating they are and the less they get catcalls. So if you're just an average chick walking down the street, I think you actually get more of that. Oh, well, but not to shit on your point, but the hot chicks – there's many more average chicks walking amongst me than there are hot chicks, and they're not getting it. They're not getting it either. Really? No. I'm not – well, look, I'm not out on patrol and fucking – with a fucking glass to my ear trying to catch everything in a data recorder, but I walk everywhere and pass everybody. It's not like I go, hey, I'm going to get a couple of fucking supermodels to walk with, and I'm going to do an experiment, get a five and walk with me. I'm not intentionally looking for anything. I'm just going to find pizza with Phil Rosenthal, but I haven't heard anything. I haven't experienced anything. I haven't experienced it. I've not – maybe I don't notice, but I do notice most everything, and I have not heard any catcalls. I'm not saying it doesn't exist. I'm saying where does it land on the problem, the spectrum of things that we need to fix in this society? To put signs up for. To put signs up for. No catcalls. I experienced it a lot, but it didn't really – it never really bothered me. I didn't really care. Personally, I didn't care. You – okay, but we've been – we haven't been, no. We haven't been there. Well, we'll go there, and we'll walk around. We'll walk around, and we'll see if it happens in L.A. Does it happen – no one walks in L.A. No, not really. Yeah, I'm never out on the sidewalk enough. All right. Police say a Long Island man set his rental car ablaze while trying to kill bedbugs inside his vehicle, according to the New York Daily News. Wow. Scott Kemery suffered first and second degree burns in the incident Tuesday outside a supermarket when he poured alcohol all over the insects, then sat in the car and lit a cigarette. A detective said that someone told him to get out of the car. He told Kemery that if he saturated the bedbugs with alcohol, it'll kill them. Police say two other cars were heavily damaged at the intense heat of the fire. Look at that. Wow. That is pouring, bursting. I'll show those bedbugs with a celebratory cigarette. By the way, on the first and second degree burns, just give me the one that's worse. Yeah, I think second. Second's worse, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I'll go, suffered first, second, and third degree, and it's like, just give me the worst one. It's got to cover a third one. What's the bottom line? Yeah, because if it was like, well, he was slapped, he was punched, and he was shot. I'll just, just give me the shot part. Right. Right. Because that's all I need. That's the way I'm approaching life now. All right, let's bring it home. All right. Gina, Gina. Grad. Grad. All right. Take a knee. Paul Feig is coming up this coming week. Hench and Santora on. Very inspirational stuff. Paul Feig was a really interesting guy. Very animated. Very interesting director. So his story. Dad owned an army surplus store. Really? I said, that's got to be the story. The greatest thing ever. And he said, no, I had to work there constantly. Imagine dad owning an army. Oh, he said, guys were looking at huge knives in front of him. Like, oh, he was constantly thinking he was going to get stabbed. All right. Senator Ted Cruz. TedCruz.org. Simon Morley. Everybody, go to the website. Puppetryofthepenis.com is where you go to find out any information when the show's coming to a town near you. It's in Vegas right now. The Jewel Box. Go check that out. Simon, it's been a little slice of heaven here, man. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. I like you, man. So, until next time, this is Adam for Ted and Simon and Gina and Bald saying, mahalo. Hello, and welcome to PlutoFo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world. Mean Girls. Shut up. Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. All right. That does it for today's Cruel Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all-new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on. I'll see you next time on Pluto TV. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV. Where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Mean Girls. Shut up. Titanic. And so much more. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging, and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One. Podcast One Pro comes in. 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