Taylor Tomlinson Isn't Settling

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Oh my gosh, it's so crazy to be inside my favorite podcast. You're in the so-tutio. It's so nuts. Not as too sweet of you. It's not sweet, it's true. I really mean it. You guys stop. No, because most times I do a podcast and I'll like go listen to a few of the things that are the most recent ones to be like, okay, what's like the vibe? And with yours, I was like, I've listened to every single one, and some of them twice. Who are your faves? Who are my faves? I mean, I just listen to Chris Fleming, because obviously you have to. Of course. You have to. Chris is like, I watched his special too, and Chris, I mean, it's so like, it's boring to talk about what a genius Chris is, because everybody-- It's all we do. Yeah, it's all we do, and everybody knows now, and he frankly doesn't need it. But like, God, like, every time I watch him, I'm just like, am I terrible at stand-up? Like, am I? Am I the least creative, funny person in the world? Because that's just-- but then I put Chris in a different category where I go, okay, well, what he's doing is something else. That's more special place, and I'm doing regular stand-up. It's kind of like, when you do math, you have to take off the best number and the worst number. It's like that, and you just go to Chris out of the equation, and then you go, oh, the numbers make a lot more sense when he's not in. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I feel like that about my stand-up, like, I'll watch Chris, and I'll be like, so he has access to something that I never in a million years will get close to knowing. Yeah. And once I take him out of the equation, I go, I'm pretty good at this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He is so good. And it's so funny. I did a big phone interview for, like, his Vulture. They did, like, a huge Vulture piece of him. Yes. Yeah. And I talked for, like, 45 minutes, a few civly about Chris. I was like, he is, like, an incredibly principled person. He's so smart. He's so lovely and warm. And, like, I think he's, like, a level of brilliant that, like, most of us can only hope to even come close to just wax and glaze and Chris. And then, I think, I didn't read the whole interview, but I think the one thing they put in there for me was, like, Chris doesn't care what party he gets invited to. [laughter] I was like, you got that, he's like, you just, like, call it, like, what, oh, Chris doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Chris is kind of a bitch. Click. I just, I, I texted Chris and I was like, hey, just so you know, I gave, like, really sweet comments. And then I did read a little bit more of the piece and it was Chris being, like, every podcaster is a chariotin. And I was like, okay. Wow. Well, that's a big sound going around on TikTok from that episode, right? Is, like, there's something waiting for me in the divine for resisting podcasting. Do you know? Oh, you're not on TikTok. From Archeo? Yes. From that episode with Chris. It's going viral. Oh, people are using it. Yeah. Hey, good job, you guys. I forget you're not on TikTok, which is, like, I mean, you're kind of my hero in every way. Taylor. Like, I was a fan of yours and then I met you in person and I was like, fuck, like, God, I told everyone for the following week after I met you at the fundraiser. I was like, Caleb Harenns, like, is good as we want him to be. I was like, you guys, all the staff shaking their heads, no solemnly solemnly, say where you know what you do. No, surely. Like, when we got coffee in LA afterward, I was like, you guys, Caleb kind of changed my life today. Did you know? You could say no. Okay. That is true. We did have a really good talk about that. You know, you could cancel stuff, like, I really, I left. We hung out for like an hour and I was like, I think I owe Caleb money. You do. I do. And you invoice me. I sent him invoicing. You did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I ignored it because you taught me that. Yeah. Foundry. No, that's far too sweet. I, we met in person finally because I begged you to come and do my benefit show. You didn't have to beg me. No. I said, I said, that made it sound like you were saying no. I literally, I sent like a very pathetic, like, I'm a huge fan. Would you please come do this benefit show and you're like, yeah, of course. That is so funny that that was your experience because here's what happened on my end. I was, I was on the road with my sibling, Brandon and Sophie Bottle who opened. Do you know Sophie? Yeah. We haven't had the chance to meet, but she's very funny. She's so funny. And we were on the road. We were in our hotel room and we were like getting ready for the show or something and your DM came in and I went, oh, I can't hear him yelling at me because I was like such a fan and I waited to open it until the show was over because I didn't know what it was about. Wow. Oh, I love playing that game. Oh, my God. Okay. We're going to open it later. And then I opened it and you were just like, Hey, it came off so breezy. You were like, Hey, if you happen to be available, we'd love to have you, you know, Kansas City tennis. You need if you're around smiley face. And I was like, well, I got to do that. Yeah. Got to do that in between tour dates. I had checked your touring schedule and I knew that you had that night, like technically free. So I was like, Hey, if you want us, I wanted to make it sound breezy because I didn't want you to feel like I would think you were some bad person. If you didn't use your night off to come to a benefit show. So I was like, if you're available, like I know you're going to Phoenix or whatever, but I try to make it that, you know, it's a benefit show. So I don't ever want people to feel like they have to come and do it. No. And I was like Caleb knows how powerful he is that he could get anyone to fly to Kansas City. It is not true. I would love that. No, Wednesday night. I think you kind of are. I want you to come and stay at my house for a while. I would love to. That was such a nice offer too. You were like, you can stay at my house like, and I was like, he doesn't mean that. So I'm not going to. Oh, I mean it. Do you really? I want you to come. You know who's at my house right now? Who's at your house? My house in Kansas City. I'm obviously not there. There is a lesbian in her dog. There is a gay man in his cat. There is a punk band from LA. And then there is a non-binary couple from Chicago passing through. And they're all just, I just put them on a group message and I was like, figure it out. You guys. That's the reality show I want to watch. You should pitch that and call it Caleb's house. You're never there. No. But it just cameras. It's just you watching the people staying in your house to pin up to con. And then they have to do like, one of those, um, confessionals. Yes. I bought each other. They don't know each other. Because how many bedrooms is it? It's like 10 bedrooms. Oh, no. I wouldn't. I probably say that. Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's like three and a half bedrooms, right? You're so down there. Oh, it's a studio, really. No, you have no money. You're a man of the people. No, it's, uh, it's a nice place and I'm so glad that people get to stay there, but I don't ever get to be there. It's turned into this funny like being where my friend Addison, she's staying there the longest right now. She's taken over on the message being like, Hey, guys, here's how you get in. Let me know if you need anything. I can put out some towels. That's nice. It's just become kind of like a self-running Airbnb where nobody makes money. I saw, I saw it on Instagram. You did a story where you were like, I want to do like an artist's retreat at my house. I thought that was so cool. I really want to. I want to get my, my artist friends to come and eventually I'd like to pay people for it. But I want people to come and make their work there because I have this dream for this house that like, but the house is like a hundred something years old. And I'm like, in the next like, however long I have it, I want to like infuse it with like a bunch of creative energy and have people make their stuff there. And like I'd like to maybe put like a recording studio or something in the basement so people could like record there all for free. I just want people to, I just want the energy in the house of like people making stuff, you know? That's so cool. I think it'd be neat. This is what I love about you is every time I hear you talk, you're, I'm just like Caleb's like living life the way you're supposed to. Taylor. You know? Like, sorry. And speaking of, like I'm not the way you're supposed to. I'm not the way you're supposed to. Well, you're, you're not going to succeed in making this episode about me though. I know that you would like it. And I entertained it for a second because it's early and I'm kind of like, it's a little cozy to have you be nice to me. I do. I'm bad at that in interviews. I'm always like, what about your childhood? And they're like, I'm a journalist. Oh. Like, leave me alone. Taylor, literally, yesterday. I had an interview. I won't say the publication because then people know who it is and I don't want to make her uncomfortable. But I had an interview with a big outlet for press stuff I have coming up. And I, because I'm, we're curious people, you know, and I was like, she was like, oh, yeah, you know, English isn't my first language. So I didn't understand something like that. And I was like, oh, my God, what's your first language? And she was like, no, you're not going to interview me. And I was like, oh, she's like, nice fucking try. I know that trick. I'm not trying to put it off of me. I just, I'm like, I am curious. Yeah. 30 minutes after we went off, when we stopped the interview, she was like, all right, ask your questions. And I was like, okay, your kids, like I was like, she gave me time to get into it. Okay. Good. That's nice. But yeah, it is a deflection tactic as well when you don't want to answer the question they have. So I'm sure that's part of it. Is there like, I guess it is. Don't do that. I don't, the funny thing is like using it as a deflection, like I've never met a question I didn't want to answer. And so. Really? You've never met a question you didn't want to answer. I don't, I'm like, what would I, I don't think I can think of a chance. Can you think of one that I'm like, I will say, the only thing we come close to, what did you think of? Just things about like your family, certain things about like, there, there's like one to two things about my family that people really push on that I'm like, I have said what I want to say about that situation. To me, it's not that I won't answer anything. It's like, whatever answer I give is the answer. Yeah. That it's not for you to poke and prod and find more. If I want to give more, I'll give more because I'm an open person. But I think other than that, it's just sometimes when you're doing interviews like the 17th question about the same viral bit, it's like. Like, people know you from, it's like, stop, we already have done this. Well, every video of you, people are quoting your viral jokes that you've made. Like all the top comments are just things you've said, in a way that like, you know, like straight guys in high school used to quote the office all the time, like it was their joke. I'm that for non-binary teenagers, I'm stepbrothers for they them teenagers. Yeah, the new, the new that's what she said is, looks like he broke into the bakery and all the pie. That's the new that's what she said. Oh, whatever. One thing that you and I have talked a lot about, and as you know, everything is credible. We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, but you work so hard. That's so nice. That's so nice. You really, it's a fact. Like, you really do work so hard and say yes to so much. It's because I'm not naturally gifted. That's not true. If I had your personality, I'd be coasted. You try. You try to deflect from my compliment, but it's not working. You had to wake up a little earlier in the morning to get one over on me, Taylor. No, it's not true. You are not really gifted. And you're also obsessed with craft, I think, and very, you've put in the work anyway, which is what makes you so good, but, and I know this is making you uncomfortable. But you do work so hard, and I do wonder, like, when are you going to take your foot off the gas? Do you feel like it's coming up soon? I mean, that's the thing is, like, before I started hosting after midnight, I was like, I'm going to take six months off because I need it. And then that job came up and I took that job and I said, okay, I guess not now. And then I had my special and now I'm in a place where, well, I canceled the last two months of my tour, but it was because I got really sick. So that didn't really feel like a few months off. And I was working out my book and editing my special. So it wasn't like I was doing nothing. But that was a really big deal for me to even take a few months off of touring. This is the first time I've been on a plane in a few months, which is crazy for me. So that felt like a big step in the right direction. And then this year, I don't have any tour dates planned. I'll probably go do clubs to work on a new hour because I'm just always doing that because I love doing stand up, but I'm not making myself go on a big tour that I won't feel like I can get out of or anything. So this year is more about writing and that being said, I have to put out a book in September. So I just, I know, I really, I keep every year. I keep going. And next year, nothing, and it doesn't quite ever happen. Well, nothing will probably never, yeah, I think nothing will probably never happen. But yeah, no, well, maybe I might get canceled. You might. Maybe on this pod. You might. We can get there. We get there right? I can get you canceled. Yeah. I said, I set out on a plot to get you canceled so that you relax a little bit. And then in like, in like four months when I feel like you've really rested, I retract everything. Yeah. I lied about that girl. Bring her back. That was actually we AI to her face to say all that. Yeah. To get really crude. Like your lips being moved like paper mache or something. I do. I do think about that sometimes. So I go, oh, man, what if I say the wrong thing and everyone's mad at me and then I go, well, you could stop. You know, I know in that nice, then you could run away and there'd be a reason. Well, that's how that's how I conquered my fear of death, which is starting to go like, what would solve a lot of problems? Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. I think I tried that. I joke like that on stage at learn where I was like, I go, I'm so scared to die. But then I go, but then I'd be dead. Yeah. Then I get to be dead. Sometimes if I am doing like a college gig or something and I say something earnest and the, the audience like is like nodding along or they go like, they go, mm, or something like that. And it's not a laugh. I like, I feel cagey. Like, I'm like, what are you doing to me? Well, are you doing a talk? Or are you doing a standout? I do a lot of Q and A's at colleges now. All Q and A. All Q and A. Oh, that's awesome. An hour of Q and A at colleges. I've been doing a lot of them. I see it again. That's how you know you have a great personality because when they hire me for colleges, they're like, you better bring material. You better be doing hard jokes that you've popped in. No, they asked me to bring material and I say, no, I'm not doing that because I did a couple of, there was like a year there where I would say yes to doing standup at colleges and then it's horrible. It's horrible. I did a lot of colleges. It's horrible. They'll put you in a room with 200 feet ceilings. The lights are, they're, it's lit for like a cafeteria setting. Yeah. If students are somehow sitting at round tables, it's set for 3,000, it's on the night of finals. Yeah. So 20 kids come and sweat pants, they're, they're all getting extra credit to be there. It's free. They came for free. Free pizza. Yeah. They want the pizza. Like, I, I just, I did it and I was like, never again. And now when they ask, I've turned down a lot of them because they're like, it has to be stand up and I'm like, then no. Wow. I'm not. I can't do it because it was, it was soul-destroying. Yeah. I was like, I can't. I mean, that's how I started doing stand-up full-time is I was doing colleges when I was like 21. I was doing a lot of colleges, which was so stupid. I was their age. Yeah. And I, and nobody was there on purpose. I mean, we were like tricking kids into a show. Yeah. So like we were genuinely in the cafeteria while people were eating. And then they'd be like, and a comedian's here and everyone's like, what? Like. Who? Like, it was so weird, but it was a lot of like, it's a lot of crowd work. Like at that point, because no one's listening or I would like show up thinking I was supposed to do stand-up. So like, you're going to host our Greek life talent show. No. Oh, yeah. Which was mostly just me going out when there were technical difficulties or someone needed to like do a costume change. Yeah. And they'd like send me out there and everyone was screaming and yelling and like not listening. And I remember I went back between acts at one point and I go, you guys, I don't think they, I mean, they're not really listening. And the girl goes, well, if you do jokes, they'll listen and I went, okay. And I went out the next time and I tried to start a joke. And they just started chanting for the next guy who was coming on. So I'm like, anyway, so it's kind of weird when you're dating and they're like, manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. What are you saying? I am going to leave. And when they paid me for the gig, the people who paid me were like, we're really sorry. Yeah. So they knew. Yeah, they were like, they're like, hey, I'm so sorry we put you through that. Here's your $700. Yeah. And I was like, it's totally fine. In five years, on the tonight's show backstage, they're going to ask me it was the worst time I bombed and I now have an answer. So thank you. You gave me a tonight show story. Don't worry about it. That is so fucking funny, dude. Yeah. It's not funny. Yeah. I don't know how you do all the stuff you're doing and I do, I'm trying to get you to settle down. That's my big goal. I know. Last, when we hung out, you were very much like, well, why, why don't you just stop? Like, why don't you just take a minute? And I'm like, you can do that. You're like, I just went to Europe for like three weeks by myself. And I was like, what? Like, that's what's so frustrating is because you say stuff and it just sounds so like, it makes so much sense and you make it sound so easy. But then I go back to my life and it's like, it's like you've been in space floating and then you land back on earth and you're like, oh, right, gravity. But I've been floating around with you where you're like, say no. Who cares? Who cares? And then I'm back on the ground just like, oh, my God, I'm so heavy again. Like, I'm just like, what a way down by all these, these commitments I've made. What do you think, what do you think the fear of saying no or like your, I mean, you do just have an objectively, you have an objectively insane work ethic that I don't, by the way, I'm not, I'm not pro Taylor get rid of her work ethic. I think it's awesome. I'm like, we should probably meet in the middle. I probably need to be more like you and maybe you could be a little more like me in the regards of saying yes and no. I do plenty. But I'm not on your level and I want to know like, what do you, where do you think that comes from? What is that about? Let's go. Yeah. Oh, I've been to therapy, blah, blah, blah, blah, who out there feel unworthy. John, John, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, if you feel it unworthy makes you noise. No, I think there's probably a deep, deep fear that I am probably not talented or special enough to get by on who I am as a person. So I need to at least be someone that everybody agrees like, well, she's trying really hard, you know, like we respect the fact that she's working really hard. So it's okay that we don't think she's that talented or something like that. Yeah. We need to find a medicine that will take this feeling from undeserving people like you and give it to the people who need to feel that way. Right. Sort of an unworthiness transfusion. Yes. An unworthiness transfusion from the worthy yourself. This is the imbalance in our society is that a bunch of people like you who should not ever even have that feeling cross their mind, the scent of that feeling shouldn't even waft in your direction. And then the people who are the absolute worst among us are literally waking up in the morning and being like, I'm the fucking best. I know. And that's what keeps you away from feeling worthy because you go, well, the second I feel worthy, I'm one of those people. Yeah. Who doesn't know and everyone's walking around going this piece of shit. I think you've, yeah, I think you've paid your penance though towards that idea. Like I feel like at a certain point, you go like, all right, I think I did enough years of doubting my worthiness and stuff that right now I can go, now I can go self obsessed mode. And I think it'll all even out. Self obsessed mode. Let's go self obsessed mode. Do you think you, you're a self obsessed mode? Um, in my self obsessed mode, who's self obsessed mode, who's doing it right? Well, self obsessed is probably not the right word is the issue. Yeah. Like I probably didn't use the right term for that, but I actually would support you being self obsessed for a little bit. But I think that people go out delusional delusional. Delusional. Oh, no, but it's not delusional because I want you to be obsessed with the things about yourself that are just true in present and gray. And so I don't need you to be delusional. I would give delusion to my untalented friends. Yeah. I don't need you to have delusion. We know what the problem is. I can see me. myself from every angle and some of them are bad. So that's, I mean, I think when you're somebody who's, like, I think sees yourself correctly. I mean, it's the same thing with like dating, like, you're not the right person for every single person you're gonna go out with. But for someone, you're perfect. You're their soulmate, you're their dream. But for somebody else, you're like a nightmare and just a okay of red flags. So that's kind of where I'm always operating from is a place of like, okay, well, you're really great, but you also suck a lot. And it just depends on who's interacting with you and everyone's opinion of you is correct, probably, to some degree, which is exhausting to feel it way. 'Cause I really, also when I figured out that I needed mood stabilizers, it was like, oh, all the times that I felt great about myself, I was hypomanic. So that really fucked with me for a little while where I was like, oh shit. Like, was that like not real or something? But now I miss it, now I'm like, oh man, I could use a little hypomania. - Missing my mania. - Yeah, I'm missing a little bit. - Oh, I'll bring back my mania. - I know, 'cause I really, that was self-obsessed mode. I was like, it's all happening for me. - I'm a fucking bus. - And look, I have four specials on Netflix, so it didn't not work. - I'm saying, bring back the mania. - I know, I know. - No, don't bring back the mania, not actually. - No, I, I think. - The closest I've gotten recently is a Sudafead PE and I was like, whoa, I wanna see you on the Sudafead. - It was great. - I feel great. - I wanna be with you off the Sudafead. Taylor's off the Sudafead, get her out. Get her outside. We need to get her to the camera. - I'm like, I wanted the greats, and then like, what happened? I'm like, I took two. - Yeah, Taylor's cool, except when she gets on Sudafead, she gets really cocky. - It's interesting the thing you say about everyone's, everyone has an opinion about me on the right. - Yeah. - I operate, I think, from the opposite of like, everyone has an opinion about me, and either they're wrong or it doesn't matter. Like, I know everyone has an opinion about me, and I think mostly I go with the wrong, just because I'm like, they don't know, like most people don't know me. You know what I mean? Most people that have an opinion about me don't actually know me regardless of what they think they know. And so when it's positive or negative, I go, if it's positive, I go, that's sweet, but you can't really know. And if it's negative, I go, well, you're fucked in the head and you also don't really know. And I think that is a difference that I'm noticing. But it's similar in that I give everybody credit for their opinion, and I go, everybody's right, and you go, everybody's wrong. Like, I accept not the super positive or the super negative. - That's what I'm saying is, I think that's interesting, is that neither of us is taking that in. - Yeah. - I'm also not really internalizing the praise. My self-worth comes from my own praise, but I don't, I try not to engage. - How do you do that? - And I'm not turning shit around. I'm asking for me. - I like myself. I don't know, I just, it's fun. I go, I talk to myself and I go, you're all right. (laughing) That's how you talk to yourself? - I go, well, sometimes it's bad, but most of the time. I genuinely, most of the time, I go, I go, hey, you need to work on that and that's okay. You're good at working on things, you're good. Or you go, I go, I notice a problem in myself and I go, ooh, we should work on that. But it's not as big as a lot of people's problems. Don't stress out too much about it, you're good. And then I do work on stuff, but you know what I'm saying? I just try to frame everything as positively as I can. When I was younger, I definitely did not. And I just think, yeah, I just try to get to a place where I'm just like, it's okay, you're good. - Okay. - I talk to myself, I talk to myself really gently now these days. - Yeah, you're like gentle parenting yourself. - These days, it's embarrassing. If you heard the way I talk out loud to myself alone in my apartment. - You're out loud talking to yourself? - Oh my god, it's humiliating Taylor. - No, that's good, you're supposed to do that. - You're supposed to do that. - If anyone ever heard this, my neighbors might actually know how sick I am, like I am. I will walk around my apartment and be like, this place is a mess. That's okay. (laughing) - That's like the jinx shit. - That's like, like hey, sometimes we have messy apartments, buddy, I'm literally, I call myself buddy. Hey buddy, sometimes the apartment's messy. We'll just clean it up. - That's so nice. - Like that, crazy. - The only time I speak out loud alone is, and I've just started doing this and it does weirdly help, is when I get really depressed, I just go out loud. - I'm really sad. (laughing) - Who got there feeling really sad? - I thought that was gonna hit differently in this room. I thought I was gonna go, good job. - Oh no, that was not a joke at all. - No, it's sweet. - In a way, but you just said, I'm really sad at all. - I'm really sad. - What does it do for you? - I think because when I was younger, every time I got depressed, I would get mad at myself because it meant that I wasn't doing enough. I was like, well, you should have run more today or you should have eaten more spinach or you should have lifted weights this morning. You should have gotten up earlier, you should have been outside. You like, I go through the laundry list of like, all the things I didn't do because when I was a kid, it was like, oh, if you're depressed, you're not praying hard enough, you're not working out, you're not eating, right? And so that was where my brain usually went and now being older and being like, sometimes you're gonna be sad. A lot of the time you're gonna be sad. And it's fine and acknowledging it and sitting with it is like, that's the growth for me as I just go. Okay, I'm really sad right now. And I guess that's sort of my way of saying, and it's okay, you're okay, buddy. - Yeah, yeah. - I think that's totally lovely. And I think I do the same thing when I have a bad day where I'm like feeling so negative, sad or upset or whatever, I will, when I find my, when I catch myself in it, I will be like, is today a wash or can we fix this? And the answer is sometimes we can fix this and I go, no, you need to take a shower, go on a walk, come home, put on some clean clothes, read a book, do your laundry. Like there are days when I'm like, you can fix this and you need to. And then there are days where I'm like, it's a wash. Today we're gonna feel bad. - It's a wash, okay. - Today we're feeling bad. Today you can do whatever you want. You can cancel plans, you can get totally stoned, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Today's a wash, but then tomorrow we gotta get back to it. - That's really nice. But that's something that I've tried to get better about. Not so much with depression, but I'm better about that with my health now because I'm like, okay, if you get sick, you need to shut it all down because otherwise you're not gonna get better and you can't really do that to yourself anymore. We did that for years and years and years and I think you've run out of grace physically. - I feel that too. - Yeah. - It's that starting out and like, busting your ass to make a career thing where you're just like, whatever it takes, I'll sleep three hours a night and then you get to a place where you're like, "Hey, this has got to stop probably." - Yeah, where I'm like, oh, I can't take red eyes every week anymore because for years you just do that on the road. You're like, well, that's the cheapest flight and I'm trying to save as much money as I can when I'm on the road and then I realized, you're on the road four or five days a week. That's most of your life. You need to spend a little bit of that money on a hotel that's safe and a flight that's not it for in the morning. Like, that was a big difference for me and has made a big difference as far as my quality of life and just prioritizing sleep as well 'cause like, the fact that I wasn't sleeping was most of the reason I was so unwell, mentally and physically for so much of my 20s. - Of course, it's like the most important thing we can do. It's like sleeping and drinking water, they have to happen. - Yeah, which is why when you do press in New York and you're like on West Coast time and they're like, no one should ever put a comedian on live TV on 120 minutes of sleep. Like, first thing in the morning and I'm always like, what am I doing here? Like, this is crazy and it fucks me up for a few days and it's just like, yeah, it's just kind of not worth it anymore to not sleep for a night, you know? So, but I do say no to a lot more than I used to and that was what was kind of fun about getting your DM about the fundraiser. It was the first time in a long time that something had come in where I went, well, I'm doing that like no matter what. Like, I'll have to go do that for sure 'cause I don't really have that anymore. When you're younger coming up in comedy, like every opportunity is, well, I have to do that. Like, I just have to make a work. I have to do that. Yeah. And it was nice to feel that feeling on like a personal level where I was like, well, I have to go do that. I have to go meet Caleb. Yeah. And we had a good time. We had a great time. It was really like an amazing, beautiful, inspiring night. Like, I was really happy to be a part of it. Yeah, you, you came, you killed, you made a very, very kind donation to the Teenage Mutants. I did not kill, I will say that. I bombed kind of hard. Why show? Yeah, yeah. Girl, we are gonna have to do something like that. You and reality are in a fight. You and reality are in a fight to the death. And at the moment, you're winning somehow. Well, you know what's so funny is I had to follow you, which I was like, okay, this is not gonna go great. And then I went out and I don't know why I thought this would be funny, but I went out and you had been talking about Devil Wars Prada too. And I said, thinking everyone would know it was a joke. I went so crazy. I'm also in the Devil Wars Prada too, but then people just clapped. Because I forgot I'm successful now. Sounds good. And I thought everyone would be like, they would never put you in that. But no, everyone just clapped. And then I had to go, oh no, I'm so sorry. I was just nervous about following Caleb. And then everyone was like, what? So that was, we were proud of you. Yeah, it felt like missing a step on the stairs to start the set off. You and the battle against reality. The idea that you bombed at this show is crazy. Well, you guys, I don't know if anyone's told you this yet, but the April 15th tax deadline is rapidly approaching. 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It's not deflecting because I also, this is me just treating you like a life coach for an hour, quite frankly, because we talked a little bit about it at coffee and again you were just like, well just do this and I'm like, I can't just do this. That's insane. That is one thing that I this year, I'm like you need to take some serious time off from touring so that you can date because when I was hosting a show three days a week and then on the road four days a week and I'm like, why can't I meet anybody? Because you're always on stage under lights and there's no one up there. When I took the after midnight job, I was like, maybe I'll meet someone on set and I don't have to stop working and I can kind of double up and then it was just like the nicest most platonic set you've ever seen in your life. Everyone's like wonderful lovely friends. I think our PA's started dating and I was like fuck like god damn it. I wanted to fuck the PA's. No, god damn it. No, it's like so someone found love here. I'm just making sure that everyone's fucking each other and no one's fucking me. Well, I actually didn't think you were allowed to date people at work and then I had HR. I have a joke about it in the special but I had HR training and they were like, no you can if you tell us and I was like every show I've ever seen is like the big issue is like we can't date because we work together and that's just fiction. Yeah, it's crazy. Well, and the funny thing is HR, the policy is just like what HR gets to know about it. Exactly. I was like, maybe you tell us. Yeah, as long as you let us know like how did it go? How is it? Yeah, you guys can do it as long as you fill us in girl. What are you looking for? Tell me now. You know, they're probably 10 anywhere between 10 to 100 people that listen to this show and some of them might be eligible for you. Maybe they'll find you. Oh my gosh, you know what? I mean, what's really devastating that I've realized recently is I do unfortunately think I want someone funny. Taylor. I know. Doesn't that suck? Doesn't that make you sick? It makes me sick. Because now it just got more impossible. It got so hard like I have a friend who wants to date like a millionaire and I'm like, that is easier to do, I think. Yeah. Then finding someone. There's more of them. There's more millionaires than funny people. There really is genuinely funny people. No, I'm sick to hear this from you because saying. Yeah. Because for years, I don't know if you do this, but for years, I would kind of go back and forth because I would like date a comedian and then it would fall apart and I would go, well, I can't date comedians. And then I would date a normal person and then I would go, that doesn't work either. And so then I'd go back to like someone in this business or a comedian. And so I'd kind of flip flop. But the last couple of people I've dated have been more like normal people. And I have and they were great. And but I still like, I don't know. I just am like, when did I stop thinking I was worthy of that requirement? I guess. Because I just for when I was younger, I was like, that's number one. They have to be funny. And then I got older and I was like, that's a big ask. I guess. And everyone around us is funny. Like all our friends are so funny. So you go, okay, well, you don't get everything from your partner, but I can get funny from all my friends. And then you're like, but the person I'm going to hang out with forever the most is not funny. I don't know because there's lots of people who can hang. There's like a lot of people who have good senses of humor and will laugh and can like, you know, banter a little bit. But there's a difference between banter and being funny. Yeah. It's tough. I need someone funny and I'm realizing it and it's making me sick. It's so hard because now I'm going on dates with these gay men and boys. Some things I used to that slide are not working anymore. Really? Like what? You know, a lot of gay guys, I love gay guys. Okay. Gay guys are like a totally foundational part of my chosen like my found family, my community. I would do anything for gay guys. Gay guys, I love you. That having been said a lot of times I'll go on dates with these gay guys. And look, we have a problem. Something happened when we got accepted. Maybe it was the legalization of gay marriage. I don't want them to get rid of it. But something happened where a lot of gay guys lost their touch. And now there are a sizeable amount of gay guys who think that quoting real housewives and drag race exclusively is them being funny. And that is of course not true. And yeah, it's not funny really at all. Yeah. And so I'm going on these dates and I'm going, God, he's cute. He's got a good job. He has seems to have a lot of friends and love in his life, like all these green flags. And then the only time he really says something even in the cadence of a joke is him repeating something that some horrible woman said on TV. Yeah. And I just can't deal with it. I'm sorry, those women are horrible. And so I have come to a place where I'm like, no, I think I actually I'm going to need to find someone who has a sense of humor. Yeah. I know. Like an actual like an actual point of view. No, but I look around at who's a good example. Oh, I have a great example. So like my friend Kelsey Cook, one of my best friends. I don't know if you know she's so funny. She is engaged to Chad Daniels who is also an incredible comedian. And that's really fucked my shit up the last few years. I shouldn't do this because I was like, it's fine. And by the way, her ex was also a comedian. So she's just been dated. She's been in his long term relationships with really funny guys. And I'm like, fuck me, man. Like, I thought we were all going to settle. I thought we were all just going to find people who thought we were great. Yeah. And you know, would sort of bask in our light. Yeah. And like bring other things to the table. When did everyone decide we're not settling? Yeah, it's like what? I just got comfortable with the idea. And now everybody's like finding their true love. It's bullshit. So the two of them and they have like a podcast and I'll see clips of them. And I'm like, that looks amazing. Like I want to do bits with somebody at home. Yeah. That looks great. Every time I do bits with somebody, I'm not at home. And it's always a work on camera. And I'm like, I'm going to do it at home in bed. Yeah. I want that for you. This is good to hear. I know. I'm putting it out there. I also want to, I would love ideally another bisexual person. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's what I would like ideal. If we're going like ideally. Yes. Another very funny bisexual person. Now, why do they need to be bisexual? They don't need to be anything. Yeah. This is a dream vision board list. Caleb. Well, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase the question because I would also like another bisexual person for you. Yeah. Thank you. But I'm curious. What, what is the wanting them to be bisexual of it all? Are you guys going to swing together? I just know. Or is it just so that they understand? No. So you can both be like, oh my god, that girl and that guy. Yeah. I just, I don't know. I just kind of want someone who like, I just want my best friend who like gets every part of me. Yeah. You know, I just want somebody who like grew up with religious trauma and is also bisexual and is really funny. Yeah. And now that I've said it, the universe has to give it to me. And it will. Because that's how it works with manifested. And if you're looking for a queer person with religious This trauma, I got great news. The pool was big, and I know most of them. And actually, most of them listed in this show. That's why I'm saying it on this podcast. But you wouldn't. That's why I came here today. You wouldn't respond to a DM, would you? I have. Yeah. I mean, from like a stranger, it depends. It depends, I'd say. Because it's hard when people DM you and then you look at their page and there's nothing there. Yeah. And you're like, did you really think that I was going to say, sure, to going to drinks in Chicago, where I do not live, with someone who has no hard posts and their profile picture is of a motorcycle. Like did you really think that I was just going to be like, oh, sure, like that doesn't make any sense to me. I've had some people for it with me in the DMs. Well, a lot of people for me in the DMs, most of them are civilians. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, not comedians. And they, most of them are just like, it's, it's really crazy. Like, I'm like, they're so age and appropriate. They're so, it just makes no sense. But then sometimes there'll be someone that like, they message me something cute that seems like, I'm like, oh, this person seems normal and funny. Yeah. And I go to click on the profile. The profile picture is like a group photo from 300 feet away. And then the profile itself is locked. It's a private profile. And I'm like, well, you know, I'm not going to accept that message. Like, I can't even give you the chance. Even though the message was cute, it's fucked up. It's so weird. They are going to DM someone you don't know at all, send a photo or something. Well, Instagram won't let people send photos to like, I don't know if you're like, it's like this. Mine can't get photos. What? They can't send me photos. I thought you just had to accept the message to see the photo. Oh, see, but I can't, I'm not accepting the message until I know what's up. I'm not, I'm not going to accept the message on the whim because the photo could be something crazy. Yeah. But then you've just seen a crazy photo. Yeah. There's a lot of fucked up shit on the internet, I don't know. But then they see that I've seen it. Well, then they've seen that you've seen it and, you know, if you. I'm on Grindr. You know, like I got to get off Grindr, actually. I have no experience. It's like at a point where it's like, I should not be on Grindr, full face on main. My Grindr is me smiling and my name Caleb and like, it's just me. I know I talked to you about doing dating apps because you told me you were on Hinge and I was like, you're on Hinge? You're too famous for that. I'm on Hinge. Really? Oh, I'm on Hinge. But don't you go on a lot of dates that are just meet and greets? I'm gotten really good at sorting that out. You have. You never end up on a date with someone who like lied about not seeing any of your stuff or not knowing who you are and then you're on the date and then it's clear that they have and they did and they lied. Maybe twice. Not that that's ever happened to me. No. That maybe twice, but it was, it was sweet both times that they were like, hey, I obviously have like, seen your stuff, but I didn't like you uncomfortable. Which is great. That's nice. I've never had anyone like Trojan horse show up to the date just because they're a fan. Yeah. So message me and be like, like sometimes guys will try to be like, hey, I, I'm a huge fan. I'd love to take you for a drink, but it's not romantic just so you know if you'd be into that. And I'm like, well, of course not. I have no desire. I don't need to make a friend. I'm not like 12 at a new school. Yeah. Sorry. I'm like a grown adult with plenty of friends like, no, I don't need to make a different, unless I will say the only time I'm receptive to that is when I'm solo traveling abroad. Oh, then you'll, then I'll be like, I'll be like, fuck yeah, let's go get a drink platonically. Really? Yeah, because then I'm like, that's fun. I have no friends over here. I'm bored. I'm trying to see the city you live here. Then I accept it. Yeah. But if I'm in New York and a guy messages me on grinders, I do want to be friends. I'm like, well, no, no shade, but absolutely not. Yeah. You're like, I'm very busy. I am extremely busy. And I don't see my actual friends. Actually, my friends are pretty upset with me. Right. Yeah. I have to do to hang out. And I was like, by the way, you can cancel on me. And I didn't want to. You did. That was sweet though. Well, I've, you know, that's again, probably low self-worth. And also I'm like Caleb's so busy. If he needs to cancel, that's fine. And anybody really busy gets it. So I'm never really canceling big due to busy. I'm always canceling due to some sort of spiritual message I've downloaded from the universe. Oh, that's saying you need to just be sad today. No, not usually sad. It's more like I'm supposed to have three meetings in the afternoon, but they're a little spread out. And the universe speaks to me via several different messages and carriers. And says to me, you should take the afternoon off and go to the park. Oh. And then I received that message from the universe and I put it into action. Do you ever get scared that you're going to cancel something? Go out in public. Someone's going to see you. And then it's going to get back to the people you canceled on that you were just in the park. I don't want. Oh, you don't. You go, I need to be in the park today. I don't want to. I'll say I need to be in the park today or I'll say, Hey, I can't do this anymore. And then if I- Are you serious? 100%. And then if I saw them in the park, I'd be like, Hey, this is why I couldn't do it. I had to be in the park. I'm a human being. I deserve to go to the park. I'm obsessed with you. It's fun to go to the park. That's incredible. I would never. I'm always coming up with a reason. Really? Yes. Of course. I rarely. If it was something really inappropriate to cancel, like a huge work obligation, then I guess maybe I would come up with a reason. But for the most part, especially with friends, I tried to just be like, Hey, I'm not feeling this anymore the way I thought I would be when we planned it. So I need to- If you had said that to me, I would have been devastated. If you had been, there's no nice way to say, Hey, I'm just not feeling seeing you today. No, no, no, no. It wouldn't be just- This isn't hitting for me. The idea of your company. It's just- It wouldn't be just sitting in there. I would get to Tuesday and I'd go, I would love to catch up with them and I got here and guess what? You're crazy, bro. It wouldn't be just sitting and talking with a friend and be like, Oh, I agreed to go to paintball with seven lesbians or something. Have you done that? And then, of course, you don't have- you have no idea the kind of things I can get into with lesbians. These lesbians are- they're planning activities that you can't even imagine. Oh, yeah, no. Paintball with seven lesbians is- Tracks? Yeah. That's you got to be in the right headspace for that. They always want to do something kooky. And sometimes the day will come around and I'll go, I'm not the guy who said yes to this anymore. Right. I'm a different guy. I'm not the guy who said yes to this anymore. The guy who said yes to this, he's smiling down on us right now. He wants you guys to have so much fun. But the guy who's in me right now cannot get on a party bus. That's true. I do make some plans and then when those plans come up, if I were being honest when I cancel, I would say, I thought I would be different by Wednesday, but I'm not- I release a dove for him. Yeah. I release a dove for the cable who said yes to this. And I say- and I say, aww. I send him off into the universe and I say, God, I love that he thought we would do this. Yeah. But the me who is me today cannot show up to game night. Yeah. But I want to- I want to want to. I want to want to. Being said, I am going to start hosting a game night. And if any of my friends try to cancel prison, you guys have to come. Are you easy to cancel on? Uh, I don't think so. No, you- you're- you hold it against people. Not hold it against, but I'm definitely- I'm a pusher. You are. You're like, come on. I'm like, I might come up. We're young. We're going to die someday. Oh, wow. I could only live once. That's so interesting. Because one thing I really appreciated about you at that fundraiser is there was like, oh, we're all going to the bar for the after party and you came up to me and you were like, we're all going to the bar. Are you coming to hang out? And I went, well, I took like half a breath in and you saw my hesitation and you went, hey, you can go. You can walk over with me right now as soon as you want to leave. I'll take you home. You don't have to stay that long. And by the way, if you don't want to go, no one's going to care and you're not going to make anyone upset. And I went. See, but to me, that's pushing. That's to me. That's me. To me, that's my push. And you know what? It fucking worked. That was the only thing you could have said to me that would have gotten me there. It's like, you said the perfect thing. And I was like, oh, my, again, that's why I walked around for the next week going, do you have some Caleb Hernandez? Do you like him as an entity? I met that guy and he's just as good as you think. Like, I was really just like, so I mean, you obviously have a gift like knowing what the person in front of you needs to hear in order to get them to do what you want. But it's. Thank you. I mean, I also want to ask you, what is it like just having chemistry with every single person you meet? Does it make dating hard? That is not the case. It is the case. Taylor, do you know what? I am working on, by the way, speaking of me, not letting people off the hook easy. I am in a journey. I'm on a lightheartedness journey right now. Oh, and I am working. And you can ask Holmes because Holmes is the biggest victim of my pushing. I am working on and I got, I got, I got positive praise from Holmes recently that I am getting better about letting people do their own thing. Okay. And Holmes, Holmes recently canceled something on me or said they couldn't do something that we were maybe going to do. And I said, and where I would normally say, like, you evil bitch, you hate me. You, this cannot, this will not stand. I'll see you in court. Right. Right. Instead of doing my normal thing, which is half a joke and half me really wanting them to do something, I said, I love you. I have a great day. I totally understand. And they got scared that I was sick or something and they said, or something wrong with you. And I said, no, I'm on a journey. I'm on a journey of self improvement in this area. And they said, well, I've noticed and thank you. I appreciate it. That's so nice. So in case you're wondering, even, even guys like me, evil, evil guys like me can change. Can make change. That's so inspiring. Yeah. My friends and I love canceling on each other. And I think it brings us closer every time someone goes, hey, I'm so sorry. I just can't. The other person goes, that's okay, I barely wanted to go and we go, oh my God, I love you so much. That's sweet. But I love you so much and all we're so healthy and I love you and you're the best. Yeah. I can't do stuff like that because I have abandonment issues. So do I. Yeah. Well, doesn't that hurt you when someone cancels? You're an extrovert with abandonment issues and I'm an introvert with abandonment issues. Yeah. And if I did see them, I would get closer to them and that would make it even more painful if they ever left me. So it's actually for the best that we don't get closer. You stay in tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I understand that. No, I do. I'm becoming increasingly avoidant. Are you? I think so. Yeah. Why is that? my life, I think now, yeah, right? And then you're kind of like, ooh, that sounds like an opportunity for my peace to be disturbed, rather than like an opportunity for connection and fun. And now we're circling back to dating and why it's so hard. 'Cause going on dates, even if they're a good date, if they're not your person, it's still disappointing. Even if it was a nice time and you both had fun, and maybe neither of you were feeling it romantically, that's the best a date can go, other than it's my soulmate. And it's still like, oh, I left for nothing. You know, I left my house for nothing. I didn't hang out with my friends tonight. I didn't relax tonight. I didn't do any of the things I'm supposed to be making more time for, except for dating. And it didn't go well. And now I've spent the night on that. That's why you have to have, I think it has to have rules. A 45 minute first date. Plains afterwards, coffee, one drink. You gotta, and you gotta also get comfortable being like after one drink, after one singular drink, if you're not feeling it, being like, hey, this was so much fun. It was nice to meet you where you headed. - Yeah. I think if you know somebody a little bit, your mutuals or whatever else, you can do more than coffee for the first date. But if you are going in blind date, you know, set up, update, whatever, it's a 45 minute coffee. - Yeah. - I think every dating app profile needs to have a voice note. I think I need to hear your voice before I meet up with you. I do voice note early in the text, because I've met up with people who look exactly like their photo. They have hidden nothing from me. They have accurately represented themselves appearance wise. And I hear their voice and I go, absolutely not. - Yeah. - Can't do it. - The voice is a lot. - The voice is a lot of it. - It's how you carry yourself, it's your voice. - Yeah, you gotta do the voice. - You gotta do the voice. - Because the voice can be a problem, right? Not for guys like me and you though. No, voice prompt is good. Hinge, a lot of voice prompts on there. - A lot of voice prompts on there. Hinge was fun. - And a lot of, and by the way, a lot of the gay guys that were mask fishing, the voice prompt will bring the truth to life. - We'll bring the truth to life. - There's a lot of backwards ball caps until that voice prompt comes around. (laughing) - Yeah. - But it's like, it's just something they can't change. It's like, you might not like my voice. Like, you know, if you project on, it's easy to project a bunch of stuff onto a photo of a person. - Yeah. - And then if you meet up with them and it doesn't fit the picture in your head of what they were gonna be like, it's like, well, you know. I'd like as much information as possible. I would like to hear your voice. I would like to see your whole face and body. And I would like you to write down all of the products you use that include fragrance. - Yeah. - Oh, fragrance is a big one. - Yeah. - But you know what, here's what I'll say. I don't need to see nudes before we hook up. That's my, that's one thing about me. - Right. - And I know that my gay guys specifically think. - Yeah, I was like, I don't think I've ever heard of that. - Gay guys are sending that album, ASAP Rocky. That album is coming through. It's like, hey, how's it going? I'm Craig, album. - Wow. - So, and sometimes it's hot, you know, if you're like, particularly horny, you're like, okay, we did get to the bottom of things quickly. But I would far prefer, I've said this on here before, boring old news, but I would far prefer to figure out about your body in person in real time. - Right. - That's cool. - I think it's more fun. - Yeah, it's like unwrapping a gift. - Yeah. Well, I also, I need to get to know somebody. (laughing) - Jesus, Jesus not having it with me today. He keeps like shaking his head and laughing at me. He's not liking my energy on this episode. (laughing) I, that's a problem with having people that work with you that you've known for a really long time. Like, that's why I hired my sibling because I can't get away with Jack. - Oh, he won't be here for long. - Yeah. (laughing) No, it's good 'cause you can't get away with anything 'cause there's always someone there going. - That's the problem. Chance's time with the company is almost up. (laughing) He knows too much. He's gonna have break issues on a road trip. (laughing) Me and the fine folks at the Clinton Foundation are gonna find a solution to the chance question very soon. - Well, 'cause he can't just fire him. The internet will cancel you for that. - Oh, they'd be so mad if he's so mad. - Because they don't know what happens behind the scenes, but yeah, we're gonna find a, he's gonna take a small plane trip (laughing) but doesn't quite make it to this. - And he's gonna look up all the true or false facts. - Oh, anybody, a robot can do this. (laughing) - Chad GBT, can you come up with a true or false segment for so true? - We're gonna replace Chance with Chad. (laughing) - I go, I go Chad. (laughing) - Put this up. (laughing) - Oh, I had another question about, okay. So you don't think you have chemistry with everybody, but I'm sure everybody feels like they have chemistry with you, right? - That's sweet, I hope that's true. - I mean, do you hope that's true? - Do I hope that everyone feels like they have chemistry with me? Yeah, they can be amazing. - Really? - Oh, I hope everyone thinks I'm a delight. - But romantically, do you find yourself going on a lot of dates where afterward they're like, I had a great time and you're like, I was playing racquetball with my own personality. - You were pretty much. - Yeah, there is a gap. There's a gap between, sometimes I will say, a guy thinks the date went way better than it did just because I was at work. - Yeah, 'cause you were doing crowd work with one person. - Yeah, I was making shit happen. I was turning things on and off. I was keeping the server engaged. I was, I paid the bill. I made the date a beautiful experience for them. It's like, you know how there's like that thing happening now where people are like, growing up is just realizing the magic of Christmas was all the work your mom did behind the scenes. - Yeah. - That's me on an okay date. I'm like, you thought it was magic, buddy, because I put the stockings up, you know? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then yeah, they'll be like, oh my God, I can't wait to see you again. And I'm like, really? I feel like we could go a while. - Oh, no. Yeah, that's tough. That's hard. And sometimes I think I'm much better on a date when I know they're not, I'm not gonna see them again, 'cause then I do just go into like, crowd work mode, where I'm just like interviewing them. 'Cause I'm like, well, I can have an interesting conversation with anybody for three hours, you know, and certainly for 45 minutes over coffee. - Yeah. - So then I probably seem more interested than I am, especially-- - Did you're learning how to clock? - Oh, when I was like on dates with straight guys, I was like, oh my God, I really get into it. And then they're like, whoa, like, 'cause they're not used to being asked like very deep questions. - Yeah. - And so when you're like, what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? They're like, whoa, like they're really? - Oh my God, this girl's like intellectual. - Yeah, exactly. They're like, well, she's really into me. And you're like, no, I just, you know, need to come away with a joke. (laughing) - I need to get something. - You need to get some material out of this, yeah. - Have you seen that Denzel Washington clip? - No. - With Jamie Foxx? - No, what is it? - I think about it all the time. - What is it? - It's Denzel and Jamie, two of our greatest minds, talking about, is it the Oscars? - Like an actor's on actors thing? - Something like that. - Yeah. - But of course, Denzel's wearing like sweatpants and a t-shirt. I love, I am obsessed with Denzel's like over it era. - Yeah. - He's in interviews now, just being like, don't fucking ask me that next question. I'm like, (laughing) - Oh, it's Denzel. And he's shorted. But yeah, he said, he was talking about an award show where he didn't win an award and he goes, I'm leaving here with something. And then he talks about like stealing, he took something, he took like some, like a meal or a coat or something. - Oh, that's awesome. - But it's just the way him and Jamie are, and Jamie is laughing so fucking hard. It's up there for me. - That's awesome. - I think about it a lot. - I need to look at that up. - Yeah, that's great. And Jamie Foxx does a Denzel impression for Denzel. That's incredible. - Of course. - Oh God. I love Jamie Foxx. - Jamie Foxx is very talented. - He's one of our greatest. - He is. And I don't think it gets talked about enough. - And here we are saying it. - And here I am saying it. Everyone's spread the word. - People don't talk about great Jamie Foxx. - They, well, he's not lawtied enough for everything he does well. He's genuinely funny. He's a great actor. He is a great singer. We just don't have a lot of people doing it on that level. - Jamie Foxx, come on the pod. - Jamie Foxx, I don't want him to come on the pod. - Really? - We have to know each other first. - Oh, okay. - You don't really have anyone on that you haven't met. Which is like real, another thing I really admire about you. - I just think Jamie and I, we should be friends first. I want to meet Jamie in the world some way that isn't orchestrated. You know, I want to maybe, maybe we bump into each other at a restaurant. I say, Jamie, you don't know me, of course, but I'm a huge fan, Jamie. And then he says, you know what? Let's go for a walk. We go for a walk. We get lunch, we cut up, we have some fun, we chat chat, we get to know each other. And then after several months, years of friendship, and getting to know each other, hanging out, checking in on birthdays. I'm actually, I'm really bad at birthdays, so I shouldn't say that. - I'm so bad at birthdays. - Nobody's, none of my friends hear from me on their birthday. - Yeah. - And I just can't, I can't, there's too many. Everyone's being born all the time. - I know, I forget my best friend's birthday every single year. We've been best friends for 22 years. Every year, I talk to her on her birthday most years. - I know. - Don't even, doesn't occur to me. And then two weeks later, I'm in the middle of the country somewhere doing a show and I went, oh my God. And I text her and I go, I'm really sorry. And she's like, I don't care. - This is why I don't get bent out of shape if people don't remember to say happy birthday to me. - Yeah. - I'm like, totally fair game. The only person in the world who's birthday I remember is my mom's. - Yeah. - That's it. - And that's the only one you need to remember. - That's it, it's for mom. - Yeah. - But Jamie and I have a couple years of beautiful friendship. - Wow. - And then he says, oh, I got this movie coming out and I go, what if you wanna come on the show and talk about it? And he goes, yeah, I'll be in New York, I'll pop by. And then we do a beautiful So True episode. - Crazy that you think your connection with Jamie Foxx is gonna be forged during an impromptu walk. - Yeah. - Rather than some sort of project or party you go to. Or any sort of like, you know, his team reaches out about doing the pod. You think you're gonna run into him and he's gonna go, wanna go for a walk? - If his team reached out about doing the pod, I would say no. - You would. - Yes. - Would you really? - Yes, ask them if I don't say no to everybody. A lot of people ask to come on the show that I say no to, we have to walk. - What? - Jamie and I need to go on a walk first 'cause I feel that it would be revealed. Everything would need, everything that needs to be revealed would be revealed on the walk. And then the episode is just, you know, then it's gravy. But I mean, if Jamie's team reached out to me and said Jamie wants to go on a walk, then we're talking. What me on the email? - Yeah, I remember when I, 'cause I think I started seeing clips of you on TikTok And I was like, who is this? I think the funniest person I've ever seen. And then that's how I figured out you had a podcast. And I remember I was talking to, oh, my social media manager at one point, I was like, I think Caleb Heron's like the funniest person on the internet. She goes, we should do this podcast. They go, I can't do this podcast. I don't know him. That's not how that podcast works. And she goes, oh my God, you get on that podcast. I go, no, he has friends on. And that's what's so great about that podcast. I'm like, I'm just like, I'm like, I'm a real fan and I have respect for that project. And I go, the reason that podcast is so great is because he only has his friends on. And so they have a rapport. And he could interview a stranger and be great, but he doesn't want to. And that's what I love about Caleb Heron. I was just back when I only said your whole name full first and last name, 'cause I didn't know you. Do you know what's interesting to me Taylor? What? You are, you are so good at making this interview not about you. I will say, and it's always a back and forth. We talk about each other, you know, but a lot of people try to, and I know what you're doing 'cause this is what I do. Well, you're doing what I do. I go on other people's podcasts and I go, this is my show now. (laughing) And you are one of the only people who has succeeded at it on so true. And I'm also leading in my head between being impressed and being so angry with you. But it's genuine, it's not a plan I came in with. Like Caleb's not gonna get anything over on me. Like, look, you can edit this however you want, you can ruin my life. I'm genuinely a huge fan. I had a lot I wanted to say to you. I put it out on the siblings group chat 'cause we're all big fans. I said, does anyone have anything they want me to ask Caleb 'cause I'm going on the pod today? That's, I came in with questions from other people. Yeah. That's how big of fans we are over here at Camp Taylor. But even this, but even this moment. I'm sorry. You just, it really is impressive. Well, it's hard. This is a meet and greet for me. So I'm, I can't just sew back. Silly, that is so silly. That is silly and ridiculous. It's not silly. We've gone on a walk. We've had our walk. And it was great. We've had our walk. Yeah, it's so interesting to me. I really am fascinated by you. Well, I, I find myself fascinated by you. What do you think? You think I was going to come in here and be like, what have you got? Ask me things. No, but I would love that. I, no, I'm not, I'm just interested in it. What do you want? What is the goal for you? Here right now? No, not here right now, in life. Like what do you, what do you want out of life? What is the point of all this? Oh man. Why are you doing all this? Oh my God. Is this punishment for me asking you questions? Yeah, you're in trouble now. Here's a, here's a hard ball question. Yeah. I mean, I really do, I think, for a while, when I had no time for a personal life and I was working really hard. Which I look still in that season, but we're coming out of it. I was like, you're fine on your own. You don't need anybody. It's all good. And if I better this way, and I really do, I really do want to like fall in love again. And it's been like a while now. And it's been even longer since I've, I think, like my last couple of relationships, I was, I think, making a lot of compromises where I was like, you don't need all the things you want. And it's okay if the person you're dating, you know, let's just, it doesn't have a job. Or, you know, wants to be open. Or is like way hotter than you. Which is not something I want ever again. I do not ever want to date someone who's hotter than me get. I want someone who is as hot as me exactly. With the same level of attractiveness. I do not want to feel uncomfortable in my own home. And I want, I don't. I want to eat as much popcorn as I want. And I don't want to be doing, like I just, I want to eat normally. In front of a person. I don't want to see a 12 at the breakfast table. No, I want to eat nachos, the way I eat them alone in front of another person. That to me is true love. I don't want anyone super hot again. My last two relationships, they were so hot and I hated it. I hated every fucking second of it. I'm just eating like the tiniest pieces of tofu in front of them. Like just chewing like a fucking American girl doll. Like not even really, I was so uncomfortable the whole time I hated it. So I don't want that again. But anyway, sorry, I got lost for a minute. But I. Opposite, by the way, I love dating hot people. You do. Yeah, I go, look at him. I don't, I don't. Look at him. I go, look at him. Oh my gosh, but you can't, but you don't want it. You don't want it. Well, I want someone funny. I don't want someone crazy hot. Yeah. Like they're not going to be hilarious. It's true. It's just not going to happen. It's not their fault. So we want someone equally as hot as you. Exactly. And I'm not saying, I'm not saying I'm hot. I think I'm cute. And I want that. That's what I want. All right. The same, the same amount of attraction, exactly. And I want someone who's cute in the same way I'm cute too. I want the same genre of cute. I've been on a journey with what you've been saying. Where at first, I was like, exactly. You don't, I was so on your side. But it's like, you don't need everything you want. Or you, you don't, whatever it is, it's like, you need everything you want. You deserve it. You should get everything. And then you're like, they have to be cute in the exact way I am. And I'm like, maybe the sacrificing was good. I know. Maybe actually. I only go between the two extremes where I'm like, I'll do whatever you want. And that's fine. And like, I have very specific specifications now that I want. So because, you know, I grew up in church and I was like, make your list of all the things you want in a spouse. And then God will give them to you. And what they don't tell you is when you stop believing in God and you make that list, that list isn't going to anyone. Yeah. The higher than the ceiling. Yeah. No, there's no one to deliver on that list. So it really is just you writing things down that you want. And then every day you look at that list and go, wow, it hasn't, hasn't happened yet. And then you go, maybe I'm not good enough for that. Kelsey told me to, again, my friend Kelsey Cook, she told me, she goes, you need to make a list of all the things that you bring to the table as a partner. She goes, cause you need confidence when you're dating. So she goes, make a list of all the things you bring to the table. And I think it'll make you feel better. She goes, that's what I do when I was single. It really helped. And I said, okay. And she goes, I'm going to call you tomorrow. And you better have done it. And so the next day she calls me, she goes, did you make your list? And I said, yes. She goes, how did go? I said, I didn't get very far. And she said, what did you write? And I said, I wrote funny, fast reader, okay. And that's it. That's as far as I got. Bonnie and fast reader. Funny and fast reader. Cause you don't want to write down like cute enough. And that's what I felt like. And then I was like, I think that's as fast as as far as I got with it. And she goes, that's the saddest thing I've ever had. I'm going to break down these walls. I know. We're going to get through there. But then sometimes I'm like, I'm great. I think, look, I think I'm a catch. And I also think, if you're not into it, I fully get that. I get that completely. Yeah. So I'm, look, I'm, I'm very easy to reject, cancel on anything. And I'm like, I understand that. But also there's people that I'm like, you should be in love with me probably. There we go. Yeah. That I like to hear. Not that I like to hear. Yeah. But then there's other people where I'm like, of course. Okay. And you have lots of options. And you should go explore that. To hear. Yeah. Yeah. So, Taylor, what is so true to you? What's so true to me? Yeah. Every hotel room needs to have a plunger in the bathroom. Yes. Yes. By default. I've been on the road a long time. They never have a plunger in the bathroom. Yes. You always have to ask for one. I have actually gone out and purchased one when I was in a hotel room for the weekend. What are you doing in there? Well, you're like, you know, you have no idea how many times I've had to ask. Well, here's what happened because I was in New York for 10 days. And on night, too. I clog the toilet. Okay. Whatever. It's okay. It's fine. And I call down to the front desk. And I say, hey, I'm really sorry. I know it's midnight. Can you just bring up a plunger and leave it outside the door? And I'm going to take care of what's going on in here. We understand each other. And she goes, totally. We can do that. They call back two minutes later. And they go, hey, so we actually need to send somebody up to do it. And I said, that's not necessary. I can handle it. I'm 32. I've done this. I've been on this planet a long time. Yeah. I can plug your toilet. And she goes, all right. Back again, different guy. And he goes, hey, so we don't have any plungers here. I go in the building. What? Because we don't have any plungers here. We only have a snake. So we have to send somebody up with the snake to unclog the toilet. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, we're really sorry. And I go, I'm really sorry. And so they sent a guy up at midnight, brand my sibling, and I open the door. And this guy, and he goes, first thing he says before we even say hello, he goes, hey, it happens to everybody. It's okay. He goes, I do this every night. I do this every night. He goes, look at this. He pulls the snake into the door frame so we can see it. He's a tall guy. It's taller than him. Let me do my job. I do this every day. It was amazing. He comes in. He does the thing. It sounds horrible. Of course. It's the noises come from the back. Oh my God. It sounded like someone being strangled with a shower curtain. It was horrible. He comes out and he goes, he goes, it's done. See? It's easy. He goes, and it goes, and by the way, I didn't see anything. I go, well, that's not true, but he goes, it's fine. He goes, I didn't see anything and he goes, and I'm so glad I saw you guys. All right. This was fine. And he goes, and I love you guys. He goes, and I love you guys, and we're like, thank you so much. That was really nice. He goes, yeah. He goes, how long you staying? I go like another week. And he goes, well, if I see again, I'll come do it again. It's fine. It was the nicest thing. We were like, he left. We were like, we didn't learn his name. Like, we were, he's amazing. He's like, he's going to, he's like, hey, that nasty shit you didn't there. Don't worry about the nasty shit you did. I'll come back. I hope you do it again. And I love you guys. I love you guys. I love you guys. I know. Isn't that nice? I know. And I wouldn't have had that experience if they put a plunger in the bathroom, but they need to do that. Especially in New York. Okay. The plumbing here is not great. All right. That's how I handled what I did in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We need to be in a newer state. Yeah. For the shit I'm doing needs to happen in a newer state. Yeah. These old states can't handle what I'm putting down. That is so funny, dude. Wow. What a beautiful experience. Yeah. That, by the way, is the whole reason to be alive. Yeah. - Questions like that are the whole reason to be alive. - That's so true. - Talking to that guy is the reason to be alive. - Yeah. - There's no other point, point. There's no purpose of being alive if you're not talking to that guy. - Yeah. - Ugh, I love him, you wanna play a game? - Yeah. - How do you think you're gonna do? - I think I'm gonna do bad, but I'm excited. - Okay. - That's beautiful. - And I'm gonna go fast 'cause I know you hate it when people go slow. But I'm so nervous. - Okay. - Don't be nervous, I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. You get 10 or more correct, I think you know. - Yeah. - We're gonna give you 50 US dollars, are you ready? - Yes. - All right, Elijah Wood was born in Toronto. - False. - False, Cedar Rapids, Iowa. The letter Q does not appear in any US state name. - False. - True. - What? - Oh, fuck. (laughing) - Sorry. - I went Albuquerque, that's a city. - A group of lemurs is called a conspiracy. - Oh, I hope that's true. - True. - True. The tallest person ever recorded was eight foot 11 inches. - False. - Temecula Valley High School opened in 1963. - I know I went there, but I don't care. - Try, I do not claim Temecula. - True. - False 1985. - Yeah. - Plata pushes don't have stomachs. - True. - True, and is it, Plata pushes or Plata pie? - Plata pie. - Nice, it is true. Friday night lights, the series ran for 10 seasons. - False. - False, five. Hinge was released in 2013. - False. - Fuck. - Singing in the rain won the best, the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. - Oh, I should know that, that's my favorite movie. False. - Don't look at me like that. - It is false. - Okay, Plata. - Carmel never spoils. - Carmel? - Caramel, how do you say it? - No, I wasn't, that's not. - How do you say it? - That's not what I meant. - Never spoils. - True. - That was false. The Houston Texans are the third oldest NFL franchise. False. - False. - False, they're the newest. - Okay. - Have a more college's mascot is the Asteroids. - Yeah, that's true. - False, it's the comments. - What, oh, fuck you. Asteroid and comedy. Fuck you, fuck this show. That, I shouldn't, that's the same. What's the difference between an Asteroid and a comment? Do you know? - An AI chatbot could never do that, chance. - What, you know, what's the difference between an Asteroid and a comment? Do you know? - Oh, oh. - Oh, let me guess, one doesn't have a tail. - Well. - Is that it? - Well, I bet, I bet they look different. - Oh, god. - Johnny, he was a real person. - True. - True. - There are no Walmart's in Alaska. - Hmm. - True. - False. - York peppermint patties are older than Joe Biden. (laughing) - True. - It is true. How'd she do? - Eight. - Oh, you know what, I deserve that Asteroid one. That was crazy. - The mascot of a place, didn't you go in? - I didn't go there for a year and a half. - That's why I was like, I know this, but Asteroid and comment, that's like, if you were trying to think of the word for comment. - I know. - And you said Asteroid, everyone would know what you were talking about. - She was just a sick fuck. - Oh my god. - Bad guy. - I really don't, I enjoy this segment when I'm listening, but not when I'm here participating. - It's not fun, it's not fun that we do it to be but we should stop. - That sucks. - The fans would riot, they love that segment. - Yeah. - Taylor, I really, I think the world of you, I think you're so great. - I mean, I was just with you. - Tell us, tell people where they can find you and where they can watch your special. - You can watch all my specials on Netflix, the new one's proud of the author, but watch whatever you want. And yeah, that's it. - Mostly. - Nice, thanks for coming on, dude. - Thanks for having me. - Imagine setting your makeup, then forgetting it's even theirs. Meet new grippy setting mist from Mabelie, New York. Gel to mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours with flexible all day comfy grip. No tightness, no stickiness, no residue. Just plump, dewy, hydrated skin that still feels like your skin. Try new grippy setting mist from Mabelie, New York. - Maybe it's Mabelie.