Taxis

(upbeat music) - Welcome to episode two. - Welcome. - Of series 22. - Is it really? - It is. - It always astounds me that. - And this is a bean emergency. - Uh oh, where, where, where, where, where, where, where. (burping) - Where, where, where, where, where, where. - Henry's afflicted with the pox. - Henry's poorly, he's a poorly boy. - Yeah. - Yeah, I've got, I've got shingles. - Oh my god, I, I never knew about shingles. - I mean, I'd heard about shingles. - It's one of those illnesses that's got like an old fashion name, like normally illnesses these days have like a scientific standing list. - Yes. - But, oh, you've got the shingles has a real sort of west six edge, doesn't it? It's kind of Tom Hardy's kind of, not Tomas Hardy, not Tom Hardy, well both, that's the point, isn't it? Either, could it any point declare that they may have a case of the shingles? - And also Tom Hardy could easily play Tomas Hardy couldn't in a film. - But he would give him a mad accent. - He'd give him a mad accent and an identical twin brother. - Yes. - An extraordinary nice creature. (laughing) - So you're feeling, you're under the weather Henry. - I think, I think I'm on the output, I think I may be on the output path. - 'Cause last night I was sitting in bed and I was considering a world in which me and Mike had to do the podcast without you, which one day will happen, because yes. - I was, like one day one of us is going to get in enough that we can't do the podcast. - Yes, and there's different combos. And some of us already had another song, and we've discussed in the past our timetables. - Yeah, so there's a plan B for the Bonjo Wars combo. - Which is what just basic grok. - Not even the supply per packet of grok. - It's just free. - It's an H.I. Human Intelligence version of grok. - Yeah, what H.I. Human Intelligence, I've not heard that before, H.I. - H.I. - This podcast is 100% H.I. (laughing) - Is that a word that people use, is that a phrase? - I don't know, I just used it now, I assume so. I've no idea. - That could be huge, could that have been coined? It's probably been pre, but these things have usually been pre coined, haven't they, by a sort of, by a scholar in Milan, in a sort of a obscure postgrad university or something like that. - But it's also got quite dad energy, isn't it? To be like, what are you up to, Dad? Oh yeah, I'm doing something that you guys probably don't know about, I'm reading a book, it's called Using Some Creation, actually. (laughing) - Isn't it? - What I find quite interesting is that when Henry wants to reference A.I. he goes for grok, which is like the most evil of all the A.I. - Yeah, I find chat GP, it's still quite hard to say, chat GP. - Yeah, branding wise chat GP is terrible as well. - What is a chat GP? It's so hard on the vocals, isn't it? To get your lips and your soft palate, your hard palate. But even branding wise, we should be called like Timmy, the Dolphin. - Should be much more, yeah. - No, that's right. - Shouldn't it, yeah. And put your question down as blow-hole, and it'll come out of either a name, depending on whether he agrees with it or not. But don't put a question in his anus. (laughing) But with his anus, 'cause then he'll go rogue and he'll take over the chat, trying to use the facilities and not build up. It'll bomb Sweden or something, we don't know. - 'Cause I don't, you know, the big ones are, I guess, chat GPT, is a Google Gemini's? Is it a big one? - Yeah. - And it's deep sea kiss something. But none of them have gone down the route with the kind of Ask Jeeves will have like a fun, sort of avatar. - You know what I was interested in about, actually, is that there hasn't even been a kind of agreed model of what the type of name should be for an artificial intelligence thing. 'Cause you know, like with bands, there'll be a thing like, there was a type, was it the Norties, where every band was the now implore? - Right, yes. - Yes. - The thrills, the strokes, the donkeys, the cheese boys. (laughing) But like, there are certain models of band name. - Yeah. Yeah, we're going to do that. That was the 2000s thing. - No, I think that was coming back in. - I think the '60s, the '60s, the Kings, the Beatles. - I think it's just, sorry, I think exactly, but I think, yeah, I think came out, because then there was, then the '90s, it was one word, blur, oasis, echo belly, chunder boys. (laughing) - I love chunder boys, chunder boys. - If you actually listen to the lyrics, they're deeply satirical. - They are actually, to think about the chunder boys. (laughing) It was so underrated. Whereas with AI, they don't know what the model is. - Yes, so there isn't a model, so Gemini. That name is the model of naming yourself as a close-up magician who works on fairies. (laughing) - The models do some sex work on the sides. (laughing) - Yeah, he's a stripper, come closer, Patrick. - Yeah, going. - Yeah. - Listen, do you got a diversifier for like, times of tough? - Right, right, come and clean up your cabin. - Don't call me right, I'm Gemini. (laughing) - And he's been working the fairies for so long now that he's got, he always gets the best bird. - The fairies, so he's not even doing the cruise ships. He's doing the fairies. He's doing cross-channel car fairies. (laughing) - But people who can't wait more than 45 minutes for some close-up magic. - I'm stuck on Dover Calais. It's not even time to get the trousers off. (laughing) - But his close-up magic set doesn't last long off 10 to 10 people over like a 12 hour journey. He's got about 25 minutes tops. - He's guaranteed himself the best cabin on the cross-channel fairies, which is just behind the prawn section of the buffet. But they've built him a little, poor hole, they call it as a joke. But it's a little round, arm-sized, little aperture. (laughing) - And he can stick his hand on his crab prawns throughout the day. (laughing) - Call him back into his cabin. (laughing) - Then he stuffs, then he stuffs and then his trousers. (laughing) - It doesn't even exist for the people. (laughing) - From behind there, yeah. - Oh, and it's making memories, isn't it? 'Cause we all remember that time when we were on a cross-channel very, and a man made a prawn appear from behind there, yeah? (laughing) It's just wonder, all struck wonder. - It's one of his formative memories, isn't it? If you're a devil sea, he might come up to you on one of the decks and say, "If you want to see my special bronze, come back." (laughing) - Come back to my room a bit later. - We don't really have time, we can already see Calle. (laughing) - But this is working, I'm quick turn around, so you get to, I'd really help me to make a decision now if you want to see my special bronze on up. (laughing) - I've been told it looks like a squid ink panel down there. (laughing) But I've never had that view corroborated. (laughing) - Let's go and need stopping, let's do it. - He's got a trick though, which is also, the climax was his magic routine, which is he stands next to mirror and goes, but how many of them are there, all Gemini? (laughing) Which one is the real one? That's his escape plan, when he comes to arrest him. - Yeah. - Just a single mirror? - Just a single mirror, yeah. - Just a single mirror is what he often is found doing his act in the Jent's toilet, isn't it? - Yeah. - From the washbasins. - Increasingly, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Ah, it's not employed by PNO. - No, he's never he's never a penny off though. He's pro bono. (laughing) (upbeat music) - So Gemini, so that's one model of naming. - Yes. - Which is a cross channel fairy close up edition. - You've got G-P-T, which is just like, yes. It's almost like data nerds. - It was the placeholder name for the data nerds. - Placeholder data nerds. - Yeah. - Then what are the other ones we've got? - Grock, I didn't say Grock must have some origin in something like this. - Grock is like the name of a sci-fi character. He's like a son. - Is that all it is? - I do, that's what it sounds like to me as a name. It's trying to make it into a character almost. Is it Grock? - He's into that stuff, isn't he? - Oh, Grock is based on, it's a word from a science fiction novel called Stranger and a Strange Land. To Grock is to understand intuitively or by empathy to establish rapport with. - To Grock, the irony, the irony. - And if it's not the same as to Grock, which we learned last series, which is to look kind of lasciviously at someone's food. - Yeah. - What's your position on the sort of etiquette of just staring at people's food on their plates at a restaurant in order to see what the different dishes are like? - The range is everything. - Range. - Yes. - How close are you? - Right. - Yeah. - So now we're talking about restaurant binoculars. - Exactly. (laughing) - And restaurant, restaurant periscopes when there are many levels. (laughing) - There's a whole suite of devices, isn't it? You put out of your little briefcase. (laughing) - Mini drone? - A little flage of mini drones. (laughing) - Yes, and of course active sonar, just to get a sort of sonar shape of the food on the plate as well. - Yep. (laughing) - You can get the density of the meat that way, which is all what it cares about, it goes for a restaurant meal. - Can I say, the marirose sauce is either solid as a rock or has a high zinc content. (laughing) - Yes, I think that's quite a good idea. - And you can use the mini drones to fetch condiments as well, isn't there? - Oh, yes, absolutely. - From restaurants that choose the condiment island, is there a way of dispensing condiments around the restaurant? - Yeah, although there'll be waiters with their heads in their hands of that, suggestion 'cause it's someone who's trying that someone has already lost their job, you know? That's happening in Silicon Valley. There's a drone waiter, there must be. - Well, there is like a robot way, didn't Henry, didn't you go to a restaurant with a robot waiter? - Yeah, so I've got a weird semi-memory of, I went for a nice Chinese meal. It was actually with friend of the pod, John Robbins. - Very good choice. - He might remember it, that is a me. But in this restaurant, there was a couple. - Because you were absolutely. (laughing) - Absolutely. - Off my face on the hoisting. - It felt like it was from a '70s sci-fi, sort of sitcom was gonna (mumbles) sort of kind of like clumsy, chunky machine. - A nice noodle was back. - That kind of thing. - That's a thing, yeah. - Which had plates and stuff on it and was dispensing stuff, but I didn't really, - Okay. - I sort of, I couldn't quite sort of compete what was happening, so I sort of semi-ignore. - I mean, there would have been a child inside. - There was probably a child inside. - Yeah. - It's padding some technology. - It's not in the musical technology. - It's what the padding's an actor does between paddings and films. (laughing) - Which is to spend soy sauce from a very, very, very, very, very uncomfortably tight box. (upbeat music) - At the end of last week's introduction. - Oh, yes, cliffhanger. - I cliffhanger, do you? - I could be giving it a cliffhanger, probably gives it more. - Yes. - Sort of way to the needs, to be honest. - But that's okay, because I think TV series is quite often do that. - They'll end on a massive cliffhanger in an episode. - But it's all turns out it was nothing. - But yes. - But all it's done is it's got you through to the next episode. - So you're kind of-- - There's another slightly bigger cliffhanger at the end of the next episode. - Yes. - Yes. - So it'd be like someone will go, "Oh my god, the hawk, there's a massive hawk, there's a huge hawk in the room." Ah! (laughing) - It's a metal hawk. - It's a huge metal hawk. - Oh no, it's Mrs. Crundles in her metal hawk costume. - It's always Mrs. Crundles. - Always Mrs. Crundles. - So, I'll see Henry is struck down by a virus. So he's under the weather. I also have my own kind of emotional thing to deal with today. - Oh. - Because when I press stop on this recording today, I'm getting in my hand, I attend. - Oh my god. - I'm driving it to dorset. - Are you really? - And I'm giving it to my sister. (laughing) - You're giving it to your sister? - Oh, poor woman. - Don't say to me, don't say what I'm gifting you. One of the greatest, most great feats of engineering of the 21st century. - This is true, but this is one that's been through the mill, isn't it? - Yeah. - Because there's a reason that I'm not gonna keep it. - This is like when they sell like a, you know, like a sort of football club in trouble for a pound or something, isn't it? (laughing) You're giving her a series of problems. - You're afraid. - To someone who's dreamed of owning a football club, all their lives, of course they have. - Or similarly, sometimes you can buy a house in Greece for a pound. - If you like. - Yes. - Agreed. - But you have to build a school, an open a school, and a sewage plant. - Yes. - And an air strip as well. - Yeah. - We've been confused about this before. Is that a white elephant? I can't remember. - No, a white elephant is when you spend loads of money on like the millennium dome. The idea that it's just like, - So which one is this? 'Cause it's not an albatross. - What's this one? - I think it is an albatross. It's what you can get from A to B, as I remember. (laughing) - It could be an albatross around her neck, definitely. But I thought there was an elephant. I thought there was an elephant, idiom, this. - Oh, here we go. A white elephant is a possession that its owner cannot dispose of without extreme difficulty. - It's a white elephant. - Who's cost, particularly that of maintenance is out of proportion. - It's useful, no. (laughing) I mean, we may as well change the idiom from white elephant to 2010. - 2010. - 2009, 2010. (laughing) - But of course, you're then, and will it be, is it like a family affair or will there be paperwork? Will things be signed over then? - And will there be paperwork? No, it will be above what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, yeah, you say above what that means is, all those problems become hers legally. - Hmm, yeah. - That's the main thing. - The fact that the exhaust pipe spews condemned sausage meat. (laughing) - I don't know why. (laughing) - The words they've had to set up a special cameras in some of the main metropolitan areas around the UK, haven't they? - Took out. - Yeah, well, they had to set up a sort of, you know, like the congestion charges like that, but specifically for people spewing (laughing) condemned sausage meat over their cars. Do you have an infrastructure that has to go up as huge? - Well, the public outcry is enormous, and that's what we've had to respond to. Just one car. - But that's all on her, that's all on her now, isn't it? - That's all on her now. - Any bills, you have to put the bills for that? - Yeah, but Dorset doesn't have a city big enough to, to have had that infrastructure succeed. - No, no, she can drive to Dorchester, no problem. - Yeah, yeah, they didn't know. - The six dead line bikers that are kind of enmeshed in the front (laughing) in the death grill. - In the death grill at the front. She has to pay for those to be disposed of, doesn't she? - Or kept alive in some cases. - Or kept in a kind of semi-life. If you are now so deeply enmeshed in the front, they're part high on the part human. - Well, that's true. - Well, there's the flock of starlings who got tied to the roof rack that power it. What's she gonna actually gonna feed those? - Yeah, I wonder. - They're quite easy to feed really. You basically, if you can, you try and get some of that condemned sausage meat on the back, that's the dream scenario, isn't it? Which you funnel it to the top. - It's basically a perpetual motion sheet. You've laid out that, that's the dream scenario, Pam, which you've laid out for her and six lever arch files worth of documents, haven't you? How to achieve that? (laughing) - And the fact of the glove box is a poor tool to a 17th century gent. (laughing) Is that seen as a bud? Do you spin that as a positive? - Well, yeah, 'cause she's always wanted to meet Vermeer. So, and see a play victim. - Yes. (laughing) - And it's basically free-doily, it's pretty much, isn't it? - You can just, - Oh, the lace, the lace-makers, yeah. - And will you, are you gonna just live stream your walk back to Cardiff from this? (laughing) - What's the plan there? - Are you gonna be driving back in a sex mobile? It's in your barn job. (laughing) - So I had to give up the sex mobile, RIP-sarb. I've been driving back my parents will be down there. They're visiting my sister. So that's why I've chosen to get on today, so they can drive me back to Cardiff, yeah. - So it's a bit of a, I'm seeing it's a bit of a, it's telling us a bit of a fox and the owl and the grain situation, isn't it? So, you drive yourself there, leave the car. They drive you back. - Yeah, but then I've got a bag of grain. - Yeah. (laughing) - 'Cause I thought that said they'd pay for this door. (laughing) - It's the wams of the owls. (laughing) - There was no owl. (laughing) - He's the one telling the story. - The owl telling the story. - Yeah. - The owl's behind the camera. - It's an owl x-mac in it, I played it on Hardy. - Yes. (laughing) - So, it's nice that you're keeping it in the family, though, I suppose, isn't it, Bon Jo? - Yeah, that's made me feel a lot better about it. Mainly because also, 'cause it's such a liability, I don't think in good conscience, I could give it to remember the public, but for some reason I'm happy to sort of saddle my sister with it. You also get access to the next part of the story, as well, don't you? - Yeah, that's true. - You know, that's nice to know what's happened to it. - What's her main plan for it? - My little city, run around. - Or, um, (laughing) - Or what? (laughing) - I didn't have that end, is that a couple of that, though? - I dropped it over the lifetime, it took me all the way to Bournemouth, potentially, from where she's supposed to. (laughing) - Is it that thing on her bucket list to do the work that the trip to Bournemouth in my hand? (laughing) - From outer Bournemouth. (laughing) - So, what was she driving before? - So, her and her husband had one car. - Ah, okay. - But they had to sort of share it, and that was becoming, coming a bit. - So, they decided to become a 1.35 car family. (laughing) - Yeah. - 'Cause it's at least, it's a good 30 plus percent car, isn't it, at the end, I know. - I mean, we joke, but it's the greatest car to ever move on the streets of Britain. - So, yeah, I would just, I would just publicly like to say thank you to that car for everything that's done for me with the past, what, 16 years or something? 17 years? - Yeah. - Blimey. - It's been a loyal chariot. - You've been through some huge, right to passage moments in that car, haven't you? - You're telling me, Henry. (laughing) - Yeah. - But your first driver of a Hyundai was in that car, was it? - True, yeah. - Your last driver of a Hyundai was in that car? - That's the number saying ever. - Okay. - 'Cause it's in the family. You know what, that's a bit like, I once got a second cat. God, it's quite a big story to reveal. - But you've got a second cat. - It was blue bell, then there was another cat. The cat didn't get on the blue bell at all, because basically, your cats don't like each other as a rule. And that's their siblings, or have grown up together from a young age. So it's quite a common mistake people make. They've got to have a cat and they go, oh, the cat's really sweet. Wouldn't it be nice if they had a cat friend? You know what I'd be like? So it might wasn't like, you know? You're having a nice time. You like your life. If I was to introduce into your house, a guy called Michelle was New York. - Right, nice. - It's just really quite similar to you. - I'm already irritated. (laughing) - Michelle wasn't New York sounds a bit cool of him, you know, to be fair? (laughing) And your wife's really into Michelle was New York. - She's alright. - She's all over this. - She's not made a stone. (laughing) - She's stroking his tail. (laughing) - He's got incredible balance. - Yeah, he doesn't need a separate letter tray. I can help him, I can help him and watch him go to the toilet. Like a human. (laughing) - Weird. (laughing) - No, but what I mean is, it's not a given that you want someone quite similar to you to study me in your space. - Yeah, sharing my scratching post, 'cause I don't want it. So that's what a mistake that was made with Blue Bell. So this is obviously going back quite well. This is along, this is eight, nine years ago, whatever. And they didn't get on at all. So it was Blue Bell in a kitten and it was just a complete disaster. It was a nightmare and they were fighting all the time. And also, they were doing war by turds. - Okay, yes. I think even Mrs. Wozniak would soon find that a bit, a bit trying from a show. - What a place to start a war as well. Normally, it goes for a few stages before you get turds. - Yeah. (laughing) - You've exhausted all your other munitions. - Yeah, but it started there. - You put even your close-up weapons and then you're finally, the very final phases you're in turds. - But the start was turds, wow. - It came to a point where sofas and chairs had to be turned upside down I'm leaving the house because otherwise they would be covered in military grade patterns. But he said he just meant the bottom of your shares were plastic. I did remember you laminating your flat. Yes. Yes. So how is this similar to my class? I'll tell you because what to do with Lancelot? That's what Lancelot to do with sweet, sweet Lancelot. The hearts with your milky face look Lancelot, young and single, with no family ties. Snow white fur, and the poor Hollywood eyes, yet told us velvet lies. Lancelot, Lancelot, joust in claws and lustrous tail. Lancelot, blue bells crown your holy grail. Lancelot, brave pretender to a short hair throne, banished from her kingdom and doomed to rot. But then you found a new hoe. Sweet Lancelot, you and bluebell were just not meant to be, covering a living room in turds and wee. I cleaned unbended knee and I'd do it again for the drop of a hat, Lancelot. Had the drop of a silky white hat? Well, Lancelot said the ideal name for someone to send or sort of very long, sort of right of a passage pilgrimage slash crusade, isn't it? Did you send Lancelot off to find the holy grail? He was given a pretty detailed map, a tiny backpack, off the Levant, that's in George's cross tunic and a clear set of instructions to what to do upon reaching their church at the Holy Sepulchre. My brother and his family were very much in the market for a cat, so Lancelot was handed over to them. Still in touch with Lancelot? Still in touch with Lancelot is a very, very happy cat, and I can still go and keep in touch then. Lancelot may, with respect, also feel like he's had a close shave himself there. I think Lancelot has done bloody one out of the deal, yeah. So yeah, so in a way, it's a bit like that then, Benjamin, isn't it? You can go and visit the herndite, give it a stroke, pop it on your lab, pop it on your lab. How, like, how conked out was Lancelot when you gave it to him? Lancelot was in, was in the prime of his life to be fair. Yeah, it's a different situation. Yeah. Just off the forecourt. Yeah, so you're giving someone a, yes, a real like, like a one-eyed cat. One-eyed incontinent cat. Yeah. Okay, I've made a little video, a little film, say goodbye to a lovely little cat. Oh, yeah. Isn't that so, dear? I'll put a link to that in the show notes, please. Or a voire not had you. Can you say that in Korean now, Mike? I will, but we'll say that for the Patreon. Let's turn on the bean machine. Yes. And we're going to use the version of the bean machine jingle sent in by Gavin from Newbridge in Ireland. Oh, thank you. Thanks, Gavin. And it is in the style of. Can we be the judge of that? Oh, yes. Okay, okay. Yeah, good. All right. Here we go. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What a machine, a machine, a machine, a machine, a machine, a machine, a machine, a machine. Craftwork? Craftwork. Ah. Very good. That was lush. That was brilliant. Thank you, Gavin. Thanks, Gavin. No, this week's topic as sent in by Phil from Utrecht. Oh, thank you, Phil. You thought from Utrecht? Hello to Phil from Utrecht and all our Dutch listeners. Yeah. I hope you've enjoyed a nice ham and cheese meal today. Is that fair? There's a lot of ham and cheese knocking around there. I've been there in A's. Isn't it? Yeah. I've not been for at least 25 years. I'd like to go to the Netherlands. Yeah. Mike, you've been recently, haven't you? I went very recently. Yeah. Yeah. I tried my first of early-year-old gig in Amsterdam. Oh, yeah. It's a little time. And you weren't quite old-school, didn't you? You weren't quite, sort of, like-- By barge from Exeter. That's right, yes. You went by barge from Exeter, with 25 of underwear models. That's right. On the barge, because you're basing it on the Euro-trash vision of Europe. That's why I'm understanding. That's just the latest understanding we have, in Devon, of how one gets to the Netherlands. Yes. That's right. You understand that on reaching it, it's a highly sexualized continent. Yes. And then, but we thought we might catch a bit of the trial but I'm a loss of itch in the hague. Yeah. But we missed out, sadly. We're a bit too late. So, fill from Utrecht? Yes, I've never been to Utrecht. I mean, I'd love to go, of course. I imagine Utrecht is lovely. I imagine it's got lots of canals. It'll have a very specific type of cheese and pottery. Yes. Utrecht Vard. Make sure you get some Utrecht vases. Yeah. Don't miss out on Utrecht vases. It's a vase within a vase, isn't it? For a trapped tulip. Yes, that's right. There's got air holes so that bees can survive inside it. That can't get out. It's basically a prison for bees. Yes. Anyway, fillers put you in the topic of taxis. Oh, interesting. Taxis, that's one we've definitely not had before. Taxis are on the chains around me. How do you mean? Because there's a lot of driverless cars. Mike, don't panic. Mike, Mike, do you guys? Who? He's already called the priest. A car of no men drawn. [LAUGHTER] It's like a headless horse, but it's getting around somehow. That's the only wagon described with you, right? Josh, does I pour Greyland and thine neck? [LAUGHTER] Where puts out the nose bag? It's been controlled by a computer, which Mike, to describe for you, is, imagine an old piece of quartz. Yeah. Imagine an abacus with the power of quartz. [LAUGHTER] So, yeah, so around me, there's a lot of the trialing in central London, these driverless cars, which are going to be taxis eventually, apparently. Is this Waymo? It's Waymo, yeah. And when you say trialing, trialing, what sense? Try trying to the great public of London. Can they-- can anyone say, I'll give this a go? No, they're just trialing with this series of interns. They're just driving about at the moment. He's weird looking car. So no one's in them at all? Well, that's the weird thing is there is someone in them. Yeah, I've seen one of these in London, actually. But they're not driving. They've been deemed to be, basically, disposable human beings, those people. OK. But they're also presumably out in the police watching out in case the car goes for a cyclist, right? Yes, I assume so, yeah. They're hovering over the brake pedal on the off chance. Because I don't feel like it can work in London, because maybe it works in L.A., where it's just like a strict grid system type thing and just big wide roads and all this stuff. And there's also huge roads where no one is really walking, particularly. Yeah. They're really walking there if there's already been a disaster of something. Exactly. Where's London's sort of hickledy-piggledy little-- Well, that's one of the great things about the city, isn't? Because it's actually originally a collection of villages. [LAUGHS] So that's what's great about London is. It's got a wonderfully irrational-- and there's lots of little hickledy-piggledy alleys. You go down, and there'll be an old bookshop. And in that old bookshop, there'll be me sniffing the books. And then now there'll be a waymo plowing into the old bookshop. I'll be a waymo. [LAUGHTER] But yeah, it's weirdly-- they're driverless. So it's weirdly-- by the one hand, it's sort of impressive. You go, oh, look, it's a driverless car with someone sat in it in the driver's seat. I think this sat in the kind of driving instructor seat. OK. So there's got a driver's instructor's spare set of pedals. The ones that were deployed during my first driving test. Oh, really? That's a clear sign, isn't it? That's a bit of a spoiler, isn't it? It's a really spoiler. Drums with the outcome of your assessment. Yeah. And after that's happened, you may as well just have fun for the rest of the day. And that's how they got the idea for Grand Theft Auto. It was what I did for the remainder of my driving. [LAUGHTER] It's amazing. The mental sort of, like, gymnastics you can do. Because I was saying, like, basically, within the first couple of minutes of my driving test, he'd had to apply his brakes. The London Ambient Service had declared a major incident. The helicopter's up. Norface London has been shut down. That's right. Big Ben has been inverted, so it now points directly towards the center of the earth. [LAUGHTER] David Carp. Cameron and his cabinet, they were also quested to London, I went there and they were taken right to the top, which was taken off its central access and rolled into the stems. The shark tanks and then the aquarium were all opened up. Tickets to cats were free though, weren't they? Tickets to cats for free. That's sort of bread in the circus's element of the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. They needed to distract the populace. What was going on? Give the populace what they want. The shark's from the other aquarium into the viewing bay area. And get them singing memory from cats. I can't imagine that when you passed your driving test, it was David Cameron, was it? You must have been a. Oh, that's a good point. A blare driver, weren't you? I must have been a blare driver. Yeah. I passed the third time. He could have been a major driver. I could have been a blare driver, definitely. Yeah. I'm going to put money on Mike having passed first time. Second time. Oh. Yeah. That's the thing about Mike. He doesn't live up to his own mythology. I'm not tall. Sorry, Mike. That's large. The more you know about me, the more disappointed you get. I know. Yeah. That's my thing. Mike is a deeply good and wonderful person, but he presents as extremely competent and practical. Yeah. And I think compared to me, he is to be fair. So I think the light that I shed on you, you know, I cast you in a quite flattering light in terms of certain things. Yes. But if you were to see me sort of locally around, sort of competent, Devonshire adults with their sort of thick cast hands and grimy ears and the things that those people are capable of. It would actually be quite, quite sad to see Mike in that contact. Yeah. It'd be like the first time you see your dad being beaten up by a tennis teacher. [laughter] Do you know what I mean? It's like, you're here, right? It's like, oh, you helped his person up. Yeah. It's like a Wilson racket up their ass and having another one right there by someone who claimed to once have been seated at 2,567. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And he still thinks that gives him a right to shag everyone's wife and crouch-end. [laughter] And he sees that as his inheritance. Not including Greg Ritzetsky's wife. [laughter] There's an exception made for anyone who's got into the early stages of any of the Grand Slam. [laughter] I'm going to do a joke. You ready? Yeah. I didn't pass first time. My first time we got a couple of miners. Also, a few adults as well. Very good. Very good. Very good. And in South Wales as well, you could have gone down a colliery route as well. I could have done that. Yeah. So it's the gift that keeps on giving. Very good. Lovely bit of joke. Well, I tell you what, at the end of my test, I said to him, "How many faults did I make?" And he went, "None." And I went, "Oh, that's good." And he went, "No, you killed a noun." [laughter] Is that a good joke? Yeah. Mike, time for your joke. [laughter] Time for your driving test joke. Something to do with a major, but from the army, it's not going to work even less, isn't it? This one? Yeah, but you've got to finish it. You've just got to finish it, Mike. Okay. Well, the driving test examiner turned to me and I said, "Have a past or not?" And he said, "Major." [laughter] "I think I only get that because I've got shingles." [laughter] He was still losing a mid-level ranking, obviously, from the logistics core. There we go. He broke into the car. Who was on the bonnet? [laughter] Because he driven to a military parade. Yes. And because the examiner was part of the reserves, he was TA and siloed to him. I said, "The joke zone, the joke zone." So Mike, my driving test, so yeah, I failed because he applied the emergency brake. I went out on a T-junction. I checked right. I checked left. I didn't check right again. So he said, "You, therefore, you applied the brake." And at that point for you, for the rest of the test, you played this mental diagnostics on yourself. It was like, "Maybe if I drive so well, the examiner will doubt themselves." Or it'll compensate. If I save two lives. Yes. I mean, you can't really drive well. You can only drive badly. Do you know what I mean? There's no driving well. Is that because it's negatively marked rather than positively marked? Yeah. Because I know that they used to talk about that with exams. Some exams were positively marked. And if they were positively marked, it meant you could get, and some dewebes would come out of the exam going, "I know that I got 250%, and I said, "Yeah, but will you have a kiss a girl?" And they went, "I already have your mum." [laughter] They were going out of my mum. That's a terrible, terrible moment to be. [laughter] So, you know, with a Waymo, a driverless car. So I've not driven very much in London, but when I have, you have to be a bit kind of, your driving mindset has to be slightly different to how it is where I live, which is you have to be a bit more cocky, and you have to kind of push it a bit, and there's a different driving culture where you sort of have to, like, observe yourself with the giving way and that kind of thing. Exactly. You have to just chuck yourself out of the junction a bit and hope that people stop for you. You're also much more likely to accidentally smite a bicycle career or like a food delivery person on a bike, like that's, yeah, that's, that's definitely, like, cranked up. It's hard mode. But you know what? I really noticed that when I was in Edinburgh, because in Edinburgh, I was using the equivalent of line bikes that they've now got in Edinburgh, and I was cycling when I noticed the traffic etiquette is so different. It's so sort of respectful in Edinburgh and I guess in smaller places than none, just like in London, it's just every man for himself, cowboys, you're just, everyone's trying to get over on someone else, everyone's going to end because it's a cliche, but it is also true. Yeah. I mean, this is why there are people across the nation who will not drive in London. I don't know if this applies to, I'd be interested to know if there's people who listen abroad, like, if you're in Utrecht, I'm not going near the Hague, exactly. Well, there are people who just don't do it. It must be true, because driving in Paris is mental. Yeah. Well, it's the famous, is it the Art de Triomphe? Art de Triomphe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There are people who have been hovering at the exits, one of those exits for 17 years, quid ring and terror, just like the clutch is bite at the biting point on the clutch, just still waiting for the moment until we can, I don't know, I'm supposed to wait until three or four in the morning. It'll quiet and down. Maybe now is the moment. And they've got children and grandchildren in the car that have been born in that situation. Yeah. They've had a whole lives of being led in cars that are hovering on the edge of that roundabout. You're slow-cooking a duck in the back of the car. Yeah. A duck that you read from a pup. It's heartbreaking stuff. Yeah. Well, a duck, it's a semi-humanoid duck, because it flew in through the window while you're arriving at the roundabout, and eventually, because your friend, you made sweet, loved. It's a cliche, because it's true, because people do fuck ducks. But I wonder if there's places that have that same reputation, I don't know. But this is my point about Waymo, which is I think the Waymo cars will just end up having to wait as a junction forever because they'll be so much like safety baked into their algorithm. Yeah. Slightly aggressive bus driver or black cabbist, do you know what I mean? Or, sort of, someone coaxed up behind the wheels of their rain drover, they're not letting them go. No, exactly. And like, they'll just be bicycles everywhere, and they'll be pedestrians. I think you'll just be sat there forever. Yes. Well, Ben, I'm glad that the message you're sending out to the people making driverless cars is make them more aggressive, but that's not really what everyone needs to hear. I thought you've got no chance. You've really tapped into the national side of the queue there. London cabboys, do we dare get into this debate? What is the debate? The debate being that like, black cab drivers sort of make out that getting an Uber is at the worst thing you can do. I used to have great sympathy for black cab drivers because they have this thing called knowledge, and everyone in the UK will know this, but if you don't, this exam, you have to literally memorize the whole map of London, which is very, very complicated and strange and curious. So enough respect for that. But I did respect, but then when I was cycling in London, when I was living in London, the number of times black cabs clipped me with their wing mirrors or yes, like very nearly to be a serious mischief, I've since that time I've very much raised a the biggest middle finger I have towards black cab drivers on mass, sorry. For some reason, black cab drivers were always the worst drivers, but you know the other ones who are, and I don't know why, is Royal Mail? I really. It was like, if you've been run over, you'd look up and nine times out of ten, it was Royal Mail. And the process is actually frank to you, isn't it? I actually become frank. So I actually send myself for free to anywhere in Newcastle as long as I can fit through the stencil and the size of a small letter. Yeah. That's why they're running you over. Is that true then? So have you had, have you had an altercation with them for some reason, Royal Mailman's a dog shit. And we don't have there, they're quite good in our neck of the woods. Yeah, but that's because they're the trained hogs, Mike. Right. Yeah. They're trained hogs that have been branded. Yeah. That's right. With a picture of an eagle, bringing news from Plymouth. It's one oink for peace, two oinks for war. It's a bit of a fangembo situation, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, huge. Yeah, for most people, it's fangembo. You know, on Uber now, you can choose your chat level. Really? Really. Yeah. I sort of like it in a way, but it just feels too cold, too cold. I think I'd rather take the awkwardness of a slightly difficult, still, to chat for 20 minutes than putting in your preferences. that you don't want to chat to have said on on on a phone just chat up before you even met this person and just have that hanging in the air that I've said I've said shut up so I don't like I don't like that I know but that's because you come from a community where people still look each other in the face right whereas in London it's almost like a courtesy I think to go look if you don't want this chat and I don't want this chat why don't we shut the fuck up and to me that's about as intimate as it gets between and to me that's actually almost like giving each other a hug somehow because you're because you're both you're giving each other what you want yeah whereas in whereas an exeter the it's the opposite of that in my mind it's things like people come up to the street to come to an inch where from your face and go oh I see that you haven't visited the old credit place for a while and how's your fungal infection doing I see that Barnaby hasn't been round for a while you know I think about people knowing what you're up to yeah whereas in London there's a kind of respect that comes from distance which is I I don't know who Barnaby is yes I don't know if you've got fungal infections I don't know anything about you because we've never talked I've just driven you across the city in silence when you say the ubers got different levels of chat I'm assuming he's just chat or not rather than like oh yeah well I'll take a couple of bonn mose but um let's still have to be the lateral anecdotes style chat yeah and oh no you could go specific you can go I'm going to choose American foreign foreign policy in 1965 1972 that's what the way mose will be able to offer yeah you'll be able to actually yeah have curated chat can I just have a Eurovision facts please can we do why do you never see baby pigeons also just how big is Christopher's dick that's one of the answers to that I want it in metric and imperial I want weight or diagrams this chat will let you tell stansted airport yes yeah you can choose so I find that a bit odd because I don't I generally speaking don't really want the chat for me for me the saddest thing one of the saddest things that can happen is two people having a conversation we're neither of them wants to have it yeah you've been trapped one of those it feels like oh this is neither of us want this but now we've started the dance we can't we can't stop it I I've got a little with taxi drivers I've got a little kind of physical fan jambore I do. Should we explain fan jambore to anyone that's um yeah a New Year's fan jambore was an idea we came up with for what if you don't if someone that doesn't want to do small talk at the hairdressers at a masseuse is what the other things people do probably transport public transport yeah you bump into someone you knew years ago on public transport order so we thought there was a way you could do in essentially what this uber thing is offering yeah in a way which is essentially a like a t-shirt you could wear or a word you could say just fan jambore or a sticker on your hand and said fan jambore yeah and it just tells the world I'm someone that doesn't want to do small talk yeah unless it's an emergency and maybe just not that day you know and maybe just not that day exactly my little physical fan jambore I think it's quite rude but I do it's the middle finger isn't it you sit there with the middle finger in the back right after them and the other hand doing the tosser sign moving you've got one stable one moving you turn your back on them don't you physically and you strap yourself in it's take some degree of contortion but you sit it's quite hard to read backwards and strap yourself in that way don't you yeah yeah you have to use a baby seat yeah yeah you can't do it and you have to put the seatbelt has to go up round you at three a pair an M doesn't it yeah for safety and if we crash you'd actually just be like slung forward by the perennium becomes a kind of by the perennial belt yeah when it becomes a kind of trebuchet there's no orgasm like it you get trebuchet out the back yeah I just put in my earphones you know that's so that's what people do now is yeah the air pods have become a kind of permanent way of saying I'm not quite in this world with you yeah I'm not in this world physically but I'm not in this world because I'm listening to Amor Rajan but I think when I put them in and I do make a bit of a play of putting them in like I don't have the moon when I get in the taxi I sort of open my little box and put them in and quite an ostentatious man I can see them relax because they're like thank god I don't have to talk to this guy yeah because everyone wants the fun jambo yes I have a similar thing but I gave it to about my mouth so because you just want to be a vessel for their chat but they're not going to they're not going to get anything bad and they give they can relax and you and you just film me film me up with your big tree you've used your anecdotes your facts also when you pull that off Mike you must risk pulling a tash off every time yeah but that's how I feel alive you know it's that's definitely a huge time yeah well it keeps the moustache in check doesn't it I imagine what the moustache would be without that yeah so my hairdresser so in general in life I've always been a fan jambore hairdresser don't like chatting to them if possible I'd like it to be silent but then I started I went to a few different barbers and then my current one I quite like having a chat with her and it's quite nice like I found someone I don't actually mind doing small talk with is quite nice I sort of I don't dread it in the way I used to so that's fine how early on are you in the relationship I've been going there for maybe two years now yeah okay because I'm worried that you've opened up a problem for you later down the road why what's coming now because it's that thing of I get on this person I talked to them but then if you're in a repeated relationship with them eventually they will come the day where you can't be asked to talk but now it'd be so rude for you not to yeah that you have to you have to either move town or call out to head on them well when I was there last time I remarked on the fact that I sort of told her this that normally for my entire life I've always hated it and dreaded it but for some reason I actually quite like chatting to you and you said that yeah is that all right is that not okay it's it's day one of the holiday you're talking to the couple at the breakfast buffet it's like you're creating a problem down the line I like because one day you won't be able to be asked to talk to her you won't be in the mood and it'll feel rude and you'll feel rude when you don't keep it clinical I don't know I because I think this person will know that if that happens if he's if he's a bit off it's it's it's somewhat there's something inward it's not it's not about their missing it's something he's I mean he's having an off BP's having an off day for whatever reason it's not yeah it's no slight no shade on them well then you have to get to the point in the relationship where you're so comfortable with each other with each other that you can sit in silence compatible silence but then she revealed to me that she basically prefers it when people don't talk to her I was tricky and I was like oh no I'm the oh wow taxi driver slash headdresser in this situation oh well there's that mmm it's very much sort of a remains of the day sort of storyline isn't it of everything of what's left unsaid between yes bonjour and his barber did I ever tell you about the uber driver who told me about his business idea no for a podcast call three being sold yep and I was like I like this idea I think it's got I think it's actually got legs but I've changed my destination I want you to drive me to the larger band and quarry but via the big hammer shop time to read your emails yes please email jiggle sent in by Leo from Bremen thanks Leo I'm currently in the process moving house and in the midst of sorting out and packing things I came across a seven-tongued chakra raindrum presumably gifted or bought along for your holiday and started playing about with it after accidentally plinking out something I recognized I immediately steal the way from the bubble wrap boxes and bin bags to record a version of your email jingle which is attached really hopefully it's soothing yogic soundscape aligns your shackers as much as it did mine thank you quite quite harsh ending isn't it I was really getting I was getting into that my my swords were starting to sort of open and closing into it thank you Leo that reminds me of the thing I've been meaning to do but I've not done yet which is called a gong bar I want to do a gong bar yeah I've never heard of this I really want to do a gong bar so gong bar this way you you lie down in a room with a bunch of people yeah and someone hits a gong starts playing a gong and the vibration is going to go through your body apparently there's like like your whole body starts kind of vibrating with the sound and it makes you feel nice yeah okay I think my quick photosleep immediately yeah before they were going to hit the gong completely wasted yeah yeah yeah and then commence guffing long hard loud guffs but at the perfect frequency to to vibrate everyone else in the room along with the gong yeah I'll have the gonging deaf please the gonging deaf for me the gonging deaf gonging deaf gong bath Mike you could offer gong bath first email is from Barney hello Barney hi Barney dear beans as the summer holidays draw to a close I thought I'd write to convey the good news that the song Bernamania has achieved the status of summer anthem Yes, at least unofficially, with the early years demographic. ♪ Burn a baby up, up, up, up, up, up, burn a name for your good, good, good, good ♪ ♪ Burn a baby up, up, up, up, burn a name for your good, good, good, good ♪ Our two daughters first caught on during a family road trip back from Devon five weeks ago. Granted, brief control of the stereo system, my wife and I seized the opportunity to enjoy some three-been salad as a reprieve from the wall to wall let it go. Wow, immediately sensitive to another iconic tune, "Frieder" brackets five and "Ordry" brackets two. Grinames. Responded with gusto when Bernamania hit the airwaves, serenading us for the rest of the journey and marking the start of what was to be a summer of Bernamania, Mania. It's a real earworm. The attached audio file is a small sample of the above heightened by some bath time hilarity. Hope you enjoy, Barney. Let's listen to that. I can make ya poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop. Andy Burnham will be delight. Yeah, yeah. Because he's trying to hit him young with his Instagram feeds, isn't he? His rails. Yeah. But this is even this is can you can make it your own as well as I think with Bernamoni you can you can make you can do have your own little versions You know Yeah, you can riff on it, but blah blah blah blah blah blah you can totally yeah, whatever feels right in the moment You know, you can tailor it to yourself. Yeah, well, well, thank you feeder and Audrey. That was fantastic I think that's probably for me now. That is That's the rendition Do you that's become the new main version? I would say so yeah. Yes, it's it's Jimmy Hendrix is all along the watch tower Isn't it and you know Bob Dylan doff's cab and says yeah, you've this is what the song is supposed to be Aretha Franklin's I say a little prayer. Yeah, it's a retha Franklin's respect. It's a retha Franklin's respect Thank you Barney dear beans. Please don't use my real name if you read this out. Okay Please consider a whimsical pseudonym of your choice Okay, I think that depends on the nature of the letter, doesn't it? Should we give them the wind's whimsical pseudonym at the end? I think so here dr. Morris Cricklewood I am a regular listener and also a circuit judge at the crown court Okay, Cricklewood presiding all rise I am a regular listener and also a circuit judge at the crown court Okay, dealing with all the most serious criminal cases in fact as I write I'm wearing my judicial gown and wig specially my time today between listening to your podcast and hearing criminal cases in court Means a day of real contrast for part of my time. I mean the company of the darker elements of society Hearing the detail of man's inhumanity to man something's going on here But I can't put my finger on what it takes exactly and considering what punishment must be imposed to ensure that this grim behavior must not be repeated And for the rest of the day, I'm in court. Oh, Dr. Cricklewood Perfectly executed switcher road. Oh, well, you're bad isn't the post Please put it on your judicial robes. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcher Okay, yes, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying like what? He's trying to say oh, he's got the other one. He means it. Oh, that's what he meant Oh, he said before Now he's going the other way around with it. Oh, God It's the old switcher rule Then Dr. Cricklewood says if I'm your first circuit judge listener, I can't remember if we had we had a magistrate If I'm your first circuit judge listener May I please ask to be considered for appointment as Lord Chief Justice of Pacadonia? Once the basic structures of society and infrastructure have been established fantastic So yes, we've been looking to fill that position for a while. Yes, welcome onboard Yeah, and you'll probably be welcome to be involved in the the writing of of you know of the statute book really because a lot of that's a blank page at the moment Isn't it get stuck in the thorny issue of capital punishment and so on Yes, we know we're pro-it But is it good for fly tipping because it's not fly tipping. Yeah, does it encourage fly tipping? That's the thing. Yeah Yeah It's time to pay the fatty money Patreon Patreon.com Forsage Thank you to everyone who signed up on our patreon. Yes, thank you Thank you very much. It's placed to go for bonus episodes go and have a look patreon.com/threebeansullard if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier You get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was last night. That was indeed It was um not one for the faint heart. It was it because it was auto taxidermy night. That's correct Thank you Henry. Here's my report It was auto taxidermy night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge Daniel Green stuffed himself very skillfully Presenting a tableau of the very moment he might be grasped at the neck by a buzzard and lifted away to the heavens in terror Jago loves balls and Ben Fulkner also chose a nature theme positioning their stuffed selves at the base of the Sean Bean Weir Ready to catch Hannah McCarthy, Lee, Sakura and Tokyo sexwell in their mouths All of whom had stuffed themselves after covering each other in silvery scales before being dumped upstream in the Sean Bean river By I'm so not over it podcast, which is well worth a listen by the way And which went on to auto stuff itself in the theme of Guns Tank Teething Troubles in British 90s television Unfortunately some of the auto taxidermy was on the sloppier side Calls the best Peter Nelson and Ian with two eyes Berryman were all found to have infestations of carpet beetles And had to be fumigated by Ketaniska and when that failed fed to a colony of amenable house spiders by Gary Arnold Similarly Lee Mildon and Luke Moore both caused themselves embarrassment by not so much stuffing themselves as performing self-evacuation And hide tanning and spreading themselves out as rugs on the floor of the Sean Bean Lounge lounge But there were success stories of course Eifer not only stuffed her own limbs to resemble four stoats playing poker but also displayed the scene in a wall-mounted glass case Eddie Olvin, Small Farm Gym, Julia and Tata Batters Stuffed themselves to resemble a family of Neanderthals enjoying a Sunday roast Hannah Time, Danielle and Danielle Nicole Recreated the Yolter Conference has never seen before While Christopher Scott and Charlie Inzley deliberately overstuffed themselves until they were perfectly spherical And have now been used to replace the damaged Neptune and Venus exhibits in the Sean Bean hairy planetarium Thanks all Okay, let's finish off with the version of our theme tune this one sent in by Christine from Stockholm Thank you Christine Thanks Christine Greetings from Stockholm I wanted to submit a version of your theme tune made with a reasonable ratio of effort to time Considering my rather limited musical talent and busy unemployed life Please enjoy this rendition which I performed in a single exhale on a melodica while balancing on one foot Accompanied by my six-year-old who hummed along in the background while making himself cinnamon sugar toast There's a lot going on here What a life He took advantage of Mike's stream focus on the project And had quite the pile of sugar on his bread by the end of the recording Yes, very good The tune dear might pick up on a bit of self satisfaction from us both As we both took far too much pride in our accomplishments for the day Regarding Christine Well, Christine, I mean that sounds good enough, doesn't it for a day? Well done And thanks everyone for listening, cheerio Thank you bye Bye-bye [Music] [Laughter] Quite a world where you sigh at the end from the very world This small child Superb Thank you Thank you very much