Tanja Lee, being. with Lael Stone | Rewriting the Story ♥︎

Parenting is one of the most profound things that we can do and it can also be one of the loneliest. We're all doing it but so many of us are doing it in isolation, wondering if everyone else has it more together than we do. And that's exactly why my colleague Sam and I created scene circles. A place online where parents can come together to feel genuinely seen and heard. Think of it like a compassionate parenting village online, where you can drop in and out whenever you need some listening or support. Each circle is facilitated by a skilled person and some sessions explore a specific theme while others are simply a space to share what's been on your mind, what you've been navigating or what's felt hard lately. Circles run at different times throughout the week to suit everyone's schedule and there's no pressure to share but reset shows that when we tell our stories and hear from others, it helps us feel so much less alone. Everyone gets the opportunity to speak but you can simply listen if that's what you need. It's not therapy and it's not about fixing anything, it's just about not doing this alone. And the feedback, well parents are telling us they feel less isolated, more supported, unlike they're actually learning something along the way. So you can join for one session or sign up for more, think of it as an investment in your mental health as a parent. If you'd like to join a scene circle, head to scenecircles.org and sign up today, we would love to have you. Ah, the human experience. With our flaws, our passions, our triggers, our inspirations and our imprints. If we could see behind everyone's story, then perhaps what we would have is deep compassion. In this podcast, I get the chance to explore these stories from some truly fascinating people in some honest and hard-warming conversations. And best of all, I get to share these discussions with you. I'm Lail Stone and this is Humans Being. Welcome to Humans Being. I'm Lail Stone. It is joy to have you here with me. My humaneness for this week and where I'm sitting at the moment is the dance between the push and pull of life or you can refer to it as the juggle of all the balls that we have in the air. And I find myself in this period of my life where there is a really big part of me that wants to just sit on my balcony at home and listen to the birds and drink tea and just not say anything. And then there's another part of me that's like, how do I go change the world? And how awesome it is that I get to fly around and and turn up and talk to people and make a difference in their lives. And what's really what's really fascinating for me at the moment is sometimes I am all about the whole I really want to make a difference in the world. And then other times the pull is just like, I just don't want to say anything anymore. I don't want to post anything on social media and it's all kind of been said. And I just really, really, really want to be quiet. You know, and I don't really want to say anything anymore. And it's interesting navigating both parts of that. And I wonder if I actually do know that many people can often feel like that, particularly sometimes if you have to be out there and be big and shiny, then there's a real pool to want to come home to be really just introverted and quiet. And I think what I've learned over the years is that I can go and do that as long as I make sure I have the quiet at home. And I allow myself to have those spaces. But what I am intrigued about is sometimes the feeling of it's all kind of being said. And do we need to keep talking about this stuff? And the amount of noise and information that we're bombarded with all the time. I mean, there's plenty of days where I'm like, I don't want to open my phone and see what's there. And what I am doing when those feelings calm is I actually am not opening my phone and I'm putting it down and I'm choosing to go into nature instead and have some quiet until I feel like I've got enough bandwidth to open up again. And I know I'm not alone in these feelings. And I'm wondering, even as I'm saying this, if you feel that push pool as well, that part that's like, let's be in the world. Let's create some change. Let's speak for what needs to be spoken. And then another part that's just it's all about the stillness. So that's that's what I am dancing with at the moment. That is my humanness that is very alive in my life. Right now though, I'm not in there. Let's just be quiet and still. I mean, let's chat because I have an amazing, amazing guest here who I'm also honored to call a very beautiful dear friend of mine. I am here with the beautiful Tangerly. Welcome my friend. Oh my god. I mean, thank you. You sharing your humanness. I'm like me too. I mean, we know that because we talk about eight to ten times a week. But I'm like, yes, yes. I don't want to open my phone or be in the world. And then I want to change the world. Yeah. It's such a nut. I look, you know, I mean, this is a conversation, as you say, we we're so lucky. We voice net each other a lot. Like we are like each other's listening partner, business, accountability, person. It's just from another Mr. Yeah, it's just it's so rich. I'm so value what we have, which we've been doing for a few years now, especially as just women in business. Yes. Where, you know, you're an entrepreneur. I'm not entrepreneur. We work on our own a lot. Like we have support things. But we're often just the ideas and the thoughts and, you know, on our own. So it's so rich to be able to have someone to just speak that to who totally just accepts, like I can turn up and just be like, well, this is how shit it feels today. And then also the parts that are like, oh my god, I just got this gig or I've just done a talk to 600 people and it was big and you champion that 100% all the time, which I just love, like you give me the confidence to go and be seen. And, and yet you also understand that just like, oh, I can't talk to anyone. I need to be really quiet. And what's the point? Sometimes. And navigating all the things of a maturing woman in that world. We share our menopausal journeys of, yeah, I'm not feeling it today or I'm feeling amazing today. And I'm equally grateful that we have this beautiful, delicious relationship where we can just, you know, one of my favorite things that you share and say, all the time is, all of you is welcome here. And I just feel that we can champion each other. We can hold space for each other. We can be vulnerable. And I just want to say, as I'm sitting here in this beautiful creation, I am so proud. I am so proud of you. And to you listening or watching, I want you to know as her sister from another Mr. She's the real deal. What you see is what you get who you're seeing on camera and hearing in your ears right now is who comes to my house and in her socks and has a cup of tea with her hubby and Mike shout out to Mike. And the kids, I'm so proud of you all. I'm very proud of you. These are beautiful conversations that need to happen in a world that is so swipe left and swipe right. And as Matt Church says, instant coffee is instant enough. The way you sit and hold space for people to feel safe and seen. So everybody asks, can hear and see themselves in their vulnerable sharing? It's medicine. It's really, it's medicine. And so I've got the DCs just being here with you. I love you. I'm proud of you. And I get to see the behind the scenes. Yeah, I get to see the fragility behind the fierce courageous change the world you and you get to show a bit of that too. But it's yummy to be here. Thank you, babes. Yeah, there's some funny conversations. I'm going to just read a bit of a bio about my beautiful friend, Tanger, because I want you to just hear about who this woman, this woman is. And we're going to just, we're going to explore some beautiful ground today because not only do you just have so many extraordinary insights that help change people's lives, but just your own embodied wisdom of what you've navigated in your life. I think it's such an important story to share. So let me read this first, Tanger. I love that this is the beginning of your bio. At six years of age, my next guest used to sit her toys in a semicircle, do roll call and pretend to be a teacher. And now a mature woman in her 50s, the mother of two young women, author and the multi award winning chief energy officer of the evolution agents is fulfilling that dream by teaching thousands of people how to change her life purpose to inspire people to believe in themselves and fulfill their potential came through an intuitive hunch at the age of 16. And since then, she's devoted her life to studying the art of human mastery, leadership, neuro linguistic programming and intuitive intelligence. And most recently, she has been personally trained and certified by international bestselling author, researcher and lecturer, Dr. Joe Dispenza, which I'm sure some of you know about, to teach the proven concepts of neuroscience. However, one of the greatest teachers has been her own life, in particular, the imprints and impacts of living with a parent with addiction. And how it shaped her own lack of self love, self belief, self worth and confidence, something she's never spoken about publicly, but knows many people are currently navigating that reality too. And she's here to share her humans being story of self sabotage, to self sovereignty through self awareness and forgiveness. And this is my beautiful friend here, Tanger. Thank you, darling, I love that intro. That is like, yes, that is very you. That is 100% you. I do really want to start with just, you know, what you shared with me about your upbringing, your story, living with a parent with addiction. And then, you know, we're going to move into the transformation and the gifts of what that has shown or given you. So let's start, let's start with where it was for you, as a little kid. Well, do you know what, what a, before I do that, when I wrote that and sent it to you guys on the plane last night coming from Christchurch to here, 10 minutes after I emailed it to Nigel, a beautiful producer, I had this surge of energy, this heat, I'm like, what's this? And I went, I can't share this. And I nearly messaged you actually at the airport when I was getting my bag around the carousel. I'm like, I can't share this. This is not because of any shame, but what's, and I was like, what is this? What's this energy? What is coming up here? Because I've never done this before. Was an insecurity, any of that. And what surfaced was protection. I feel and have always felt protective over my parents. And it was like, this is bad to talk about this. So that little tanger, still, I'm 54 the time we're having this conversation. It was like, I can't share this. And so I'm like, OK, what is this about? And even last night, as I sat with this insight, I'm like, wow, that is one of the ingredients being a child with a parent with an addiction and all that comes with that, protecting them and their story and their woundology and their experience has been at the sacrifice of myself. Like, wow. So thank you for the gift of that lesson because I don't know that that would have come unless I had to prepare for this conversation. And before I talk about my own journey, I do want to just preface addiction is really something we believe we can't control. And I want to separate the person from the behaviour, which I know you do all the time. So I'm an only child. I have two half brothers and grew up with two incredible humans who are hardworking, deeply loving, salt of the earth, folk who I adore. And one happened to have a pretty significant addiction to alcohol due to a traumatic childhood that they had. And how that would show up for me was pretty much most weekends. There would be an episode of drinking too much and all of their darkness and windology would surface. And they were not conscious of how they were behaving. And so I grew up often feeling unsafe because literally their face would change and the way they would look at me, I felt as a child was they were going to kill me. I didn't know back then that it was probably their projection of their own fear. Because the life they lived, you wouldn't want to read about, you wouldn't want, it would be a horror film. And because at a young age I knew their story and the turmoil that they went through, I think I kind of separated from myself and chose to hold space for them and protect them and make their story and their needs or their suffering more important than my own safety. So that's kind of like, it felt like a sacrifice now that I'm 54. As a kid I didn't know what I was doing. What I can see now though was as a result of growing up in fear, not knowing who I was going to meet in the day because of their behaviour would change significantly. I would have an inkling when I'd wake up in the morning, I could tell by the way the cutlery was being put in the drawer from the dish. It was like, if it was hard and fast it would be like, it was going to be a day. If it was more gentle, I'd kind of feel safer. So I was on high alert all the time. And I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel seen and I didn't feel loved, not because they weren't loving but just because the way they would change under the influence of alcohol. And there was so many triggers and I know at a young age I would like guard myself when one parent would walk in with the brown bag and the two bottles of red. And I would know when certain music would start to be played where this was going. So the interesting piece though for me was, I didn't realise that I would go to bed every single night, asking myself, what's wrong with me? What have I done wrong? Feeling like I wasn't good enough, whether you're deserving because I didn't get the love and the connection or the safety or the security of what I deeply craved. And I thought it was my fault. A couple of that with being told your own birth story that, oh yeah, you know, you nearly killed, you know, your mum when you were born and you were put in a humidity crib because you were too loud, it was just like all the beliefs that I had about myself at a really young age really shaped who I was, influenced how I behaved and definitely influenced who I became. So, you know, when I believed I wasn't good enough, whether you're deserving and I'd done something wrong or there's something wrong with me. If I'm thinking those thoughts every night while I'm going to bed and then I wake up in the day, then I'm just viewing life like there's something wrong with me and I've done something wrong. And because I didn't feel safe, I really didn't speak hard to believe now I know, making up for last time. But as a child, I was bullied all through primary school and high school because I didn't speak my truth. I didn't, I didn't have any bones of courage to stand up for myself. And because I didn't have a sense of self, I didn't really fit in, I didn't belong. So, I was bullied and picked on and I didn't fit in with the core kids. So, because I was craving, belonging and connection, I hung out with bad kids, the troubled kids, the tough kids, you know. And I behaved in ways that weren't true for me. I did things that I knew were wrong, knew were bad, that didn't want to do. But it's funny what a drought of connection will have you do. And then I grew up believing that I and becoming someone that didn't fulfill their potential and held themselves back because of all the beliefs I formed from such a dysfunctional and disconnecting relationship. So, yeah, it's been a journey and ironically, yes, as you read at 16, I had this just clear download. You're here to have others believe in themselves and fulfill their potential. Well, it's the thing I needed to do for myself, my whole life. And I think it took me a good 50 years and a lot of lessons and blessings and, you know, trouble and understanding and compassion to get to a place where, yeah, I am good enough where they are deserving and I love who I am. And it's been the biggest initiation of my life. Thank you, firstly, for just speaking that because I know that's not an easy story to speak and I, in hearing your story, I know that many people will be nodding because they know that story. And it may not be because their parent had an addiction and it may not have been alcohol. It may have been something else, but that feeling as a child of, I don't know what I'm going to get. It's so big for so many because, as you say, it put your nervous system in high alerts. So you are constantly no doubt scanning. Where do I have to be? Do I need to be small? To stay out of trouble? Do I need to be very good to make them okay? Like, or, you know, for many, many people I've worked with, when the parent has, you know, has got a lot of stuff of their own going on. The child learns very, very quickly. My job is to take care of them, the parent. Yeah, and that's a heavy load for a little little person, you know, and we're not taught the skills of how do you do that? How do you be with, we don't know, as kids, we think that our parents have got it all sorted and they've been here before and they've got the playbook and they got it handled and then soon enough you realize, oh no, and that's exactly right. I then grew up really quickly and became fiercely. I mean, you know, my, my mum and dad were hard working very salt-of-the-earth humans who loved me deeply. I know that and it wasn't until one of them was under the influence that that would change and I knew it wasn't them. However, and this is the thing, you know, if I could offer one thing for people to take away from this conversation, is it's not what happens to you that defines you. It's what you decide as a result. And when I was six years old, my parents, because one of their games was to get a hit in life. You know, they wanted to work hard while they were young and fit and, you know, do their houses up and then get a better house. No mansion, no fancy cars, but just, you know, maybe a bigger backyard or another bedroom. No, remember coming home from school one day and mum and dad sat me down and they said, how was your day? And I'm like, that was rare that they were both home and I was like, yeah, good. It's like six. And I can't remember who it was, but they slid a key over the dining table and said, well, you know, so, this is a house key and this is for you because from tomorrow, we may not be here when you wake up and we may not be here when you come home from school because I'm going to be working away from home and I'm going to be working two jobs. And that's what happened. But what I made it mean was, oh, okay, well, I'm not good enough because if I was good enough, they would be home and we would be having a tea party and talking about my day. And two, I made it mean I'm alone for rest of my life. And so then to survive that reality unbeknownst to me, I arm it up. And I was like, okay, and I just became this fiercely independent, driven to succeed. You know, young girl who was just like, a right, it's me in the world. And so that's why I tried to fit in with anyone to belong. And then I didn't like school because I was bullied so much. And so I left and started my career at about 16 and a half. And I did very well in work because I just, it felt like the real world. It felt like I could carve a path for myself. But how that decision influenced me was no acknowledgement, no accolade, no, I was helping businesses grow by like 210% per annum. I was doing amazing things. I didn't feel any of it. Never thought I'd get married. Never thought I was, you know, going to be a mom, met my first husband and he proposes after six days. And we get married three and a half months later. This is shattering all of my belief system. And then, you know, he was a good looking young musician. So he'd be up on stage and never thought I'd have a baby and it was told by the gynecologist. You have polycystic ovaries. You're going to never have it yet. See more evidence of I'm going to be alone. Have Kaya. Shout out to Kaya now. I love you. And then I'm dealing with being a new mom, feeling flubba duba and and their father, you know, being on stage with hot tamales who were doing what I'd love to do. And another lifetime, which is big, great singer. And I became this like jealous, oh, you're going to leave me now for this hot tamale because I'm over here feeling like crap. And it was just, it was just, I was so insecure and just for self-fulfilling prophecy. Until one day I started doing some transformational work and I got to see what happened was I was given a key to open and close a door. And the rest I made up like it was a real life story. And this is the point. And I know what you're so passionate about is it's not what happened to you that defines you. It was what you decided as a result. And we have decisions about everything. Every single person we've ever interacted with, every object and thing we've ever engaged with, every time in place we've ever been, we have a decision around, we have an imprint in and it neurologically and biologically governs who we are. Oh, don't get me started. I'm like, and here we go. And you're like, wow, you know, and you're right. So many people are either, you know, you might be listening or watching this and you have a parent that's has some addiction or you might have a child with an addiction or a partner or a friend or you might be addicted to something that is just really a mask or an escape of you trying to resolve somewhat wound or pain from the past. And that's really why we do it. And I think, yes. All there, right. And, you know, I want to come back just a tiny bit to, I know people will be listening, will be nodding because they're like, you know, that first piece of having to be good or not knowing what you're going to get and six. I just, I just have to take a moment for beautiful, six-year-old being given a key. Yeah. Going home from school on her own. Like, that's fun. It was big. She was. And, you know, I, I, I'm grateful for the chance to share this story and I'm grateful for the work I've done because I can sit here now. And, you know, there's a beautiful saying that wisdom is the memory without the emotional charge. And, again, every time I think of it, every time I say it to myself, I get the goose is because what a powerful place to be. And, you know, within none of us have come this far to come this far. And when we can learn some new information and learn the skills to rise above our stories and our suffering, that's how we access wisdom. And I, that's what my desire for people is to, to be wise from our wounds and not point the finger. I'm not here pointing the finger at my parent and going, oh, I'm, but yeah, was it big for sure? As a six-year-old, of course, I just wanted to come home and be loved and seen and nurtured. I was nurtured in other ways, but a six-year-old doesn't know that. They think there's something wrong with them. Of course. And I think, you know, you're bringing up that point. And I talk a lot about that in parenting is, you know, not even just that part of the story where the child's like, I have to be on my best behavior. Or, you know, they're behaving this way because of me often, also, when we punish and shame kids, then the narrative is not, I've done something wrong, but I am wrong. That's right. So that becomes the story as well. And, and many, most people, most kids will do that because we don't know any different. And, and what is the antidote to that? The antidote is that to have adults who own their behavior, right? Yes. I mean, that's the idea, right? The idea is that we have adults that are aware of their behavior that are accountable for it, that are doing their work, they apologize to the children if there's ruptures because there's always ruptures. You know, that's where we start to change this pattern. But as you say, you know, addiction is, is just often a pushing down of deep pain and trauma. You know, and addiction looks like many things. It could be drugs, it could be alcohol, it can be working too much. And then we have had conversations, haven't we, about our addictions are, oh, it's just easy to hide and work. Like, let's just be busy because we get accolades for that and we get acknowledged for working and the dopamine and the serotonin of feeling like you've been a contribution. Yeah. So working out is a, is almost an applauded addiction in agriculture. It can be scrolling on our phones. It can be anything where we are numbing what we're feeling because the feeling isn't safe to have. Yeah. And again, I love that just tell you frame it around your parents because I know that you sit in a place where you can see them with deep love to go, they weren't wrong. No. They were just doing what they had to do. And that is something that I say to people all the time, you know, we want to be able to get to a place as you are saying where we can stand and we can see the story that we make it mean. Yeah. But also that we can see that our parents were the product of their upbringing, their time, the tools they had, they were doing what they were doing. And part of our big healing is being able to see that. I mean, it's also the invitation to feel it first, feel the hurt, the pain, the rage, the upset, the anger, the sadness, the grief. We have to feel those feelings so that we can then allow ourselves to be able to look at those people in our life with an understanding of where they were. You know, yeah. Which is the key to compassion. It's hard to be compassionate when you're scared. When you're scared of a parent or a friend or a partner or even a child who is, you know, stealing from you and in some kind of psychosis or drug-induced you know, change of behavior. It's hard to be compassionate when you're in fight flight freeze and your brain thinks as a sub-toothed tiger chasing you, it happens to be your son or your daughter or your lover or whoever. So I think, you know, it's like, oh yeah, you got to create personal bandages. Well, how do you do that? Like how do you have compassion for someone you adore or love or cherish? And how do you make it safe for yourself to survive a reality that feels like life and death? And we're not taught this in school. I mean, I don't know when I've ever used algebra for God's sake, right? Like what? But if you had have taught me, you know, the art of, of, you know, not making a story be my reality, then I would have kind of not suffered for as many years. So yeah, it's important to explore how do you be compassionate and curious? We need to teach people how to do this. We do. And I think, look, you know, the first piece that I always say, and I think this is a bit about why I wrote my second book and what you're talking about here is, for me, the first step is that we take a step backwards and we see the story. We see what we made it mean. We understand this thing happened. And then I made it mean this. And then they, they are the ripple effects. And as you say, and then you just keep looking for evidence that it's true. Yeah. Right. So we spend a lot of our life just going, yeah, that's, see, that's why people always make fun of me or that's why I'm rejected or that's why I can't get ahead or that's why I've got this relationship with money or whatever it is. Because often these stories are so deeply embedded and they're often so unconscious. We're taking real as we've got this story sitting there. Well, to that point, 95% of who we are by the time with 35 is a set of programs. Is our habits, our automatic beliefs, our automatic emotional reactions, our hardwired attitudes, behaviors, and perceptions. So think about that by the time we're 35 years old, we're operating in autopilot. So what does it actually mean? Well, we wake up every day expecting 5% of our conscious awareness to do the heavy lifting of a 95% program. So if you're listening to this or watching this and you want to be fit and exercise and you even get the gym membership and you, you know, pack your bags and you have the clothes ready and you have meal prep. But you've worked all day and you get home and you're that little voice in your head goes, nah, like you've worked hard, just learn the couch, put yourself a glass of wine, go tomorrow, you deserve a break, tomorrow, that's the program. And it could be about anything, it could be, and I know you've had a huge breakthrough a boom chakalaka on your exercise and loving yourself in your body, which is beautiful. But many of us have programs when we're unconscious too. I didn't know. I had a program and I was actually addicted to being disappointed in myself. Oh wow, yeah. Tell me about that. And it was through through learning the work of Dr. Joe and learning about neuroscience that I practice every morning where I journal and I just write down my old self, how do I no longer want to, because you cannot change what you cannot see. And I believe that self awareness is the key to personal mastery. So when we can stop and go, okay, what are the limiting thoughts that I have? And I knew I had some. I knew I had a thought that I wasn't good enough, worthy or deserving. So I'm like, okay, let me, let me look at this. Let me write down, oh yeah, I'm not, I'm not good enough, worthy or deserving. So when I think those thoughts, how do I act? Well, I don't finish projects. God, how many times have you heard me start and not finish something? I don't finish projects. I don't, I talk a big game and I don't follow through. I said, I said no to being invited to do a TEDx talk in Melbourne, because I didn't think I like who does that, right? Because I didn't think I was good enough. The theme was influence. I'm like, I don't think I'm an influencer. So I'm not going to say yes. I've said no to things that would have excelled me and propelled me to fulfill my desire of being of service at scale. So if I think I'm not good enough, worthy or deserving and I'm bad and wrong, then I'm going to hold myself back from opportunities, which I did. I talked a big game and then didn't follow through and didn't complete tasks. And then how do I feel? Well, I felt disappointed in myself and I felt frustrated and annoyed and stressed and insecure and insignificant. And what we don't realise is when we create a state of being, and our state of being is how we think, how we act and how we feel. When we're unconscious to that, we then neurochemically condition our body to become that day after day after day. How? Well, we have 60 to 70,000 thoughts a day, 90% of them are the same regurgitated thoughts as the day before and 70% of the time we're in these states of stress and survival. So I'm in a program. And until you become conscious of your unconscious self, you can't change anything. I'll get the gooseies every time I think of this. And the irony is most of us, A, don't like change and B, only change when something external happens. You get the phone call, you get the diagnosis, you get the divorce papers, you get the kids telling you, you know, that I like you or they don't remember what you look like. You know, for me, it was just a series of incomplete projects, like these beautiful ideas that I, you know, kind of semi-birthed but didn't breastfeed. And I just orphaned, you know. And I didn't realise until I got really clear with myself and I started to do the work, as we say. And I was like, right, well, let's take a look. And I was like, wow. And then one day I was journaling and I just was doing a stream of consciousness and I saw myself right, I'm addicted to being disappointed in myself. And I put the pen down and I sat back and I literally just saw my whole life just go, and I saw all the opportunities, all the potentialities, all the broken promises, all the times I didn't follow through, all the beliefs. I was like, wow, wow. And I didn't know. So then I was like, okay, cool. Well, that's going to have me be a victim of circumstance. That's not me being a creator of my reality. And then I just started practicing what I've been learning most of my life. But to your point before, if you're unconscious, to your unconscious self, you can't change. And we're in a program and we don't even know it. And then we just go about our day doing business as usual until something rocks or shocks us. And, you know, as one of my mentors, Dr. Joe says, yeah, we can change in times of pain and suffering. Or we can change in times of joy and inspiration. And I'd rather do that. And, you know, that's what I'm kind of super passionate about now is like, let's not wait for the phone call. Let's not wait for the diagnosis. Let's shift our focus on what do we want. And that takes being responsible. It does. And it's also, I mean, that's where freedom sits. Right. It's where power and freedom sits. Yeah. Before we go there, I want to just touch back just one little piece to, you know, navigating your childhood and, you know, then moving, you know, it sounds like very independent six-year-old off you go into the workforce, and then navigating all those pieces of, you know, early motherhood, life, business, all that kind of stuff. And still having to be in relationship with parents, you know, with addiction stuff like that. And for you, and I know this is going to be different to everybody who has a parent where they feel they have to be a certain way or they, you know, kind of feel safe. What was it for you that allowed you, I mean, I know a lot of it was your own belief systems and navigating your thoughts around what that means, but just actually being in relationship with your parents. Was it just about having boundaries that felt better for you? Was it about being able to just be in relationship in a way that, you know, was safe for you as you move through life? I mean, I don't think there's an easy answer to you. How do you navigate relationship with someone who has got a big addiction? I think it's going to look different for everybody. And I hear so much of your stories about what you made that mean for you, but I'm just curious as to, you know, has it been a real trial and error for you to learn how to be in a place where it feels okay for you? Yeah, and that took me 50 years to get to, and I don't want anyone to have to take five decades to get to that place. In full transparency, I'm 54 now, but it took me 50 years to get there. How I coped as a kid, you know, what I want to say here is it's been my biggest initiation and my greatest teaching because my level of compassion for people is enormous and I have the capacity much like you to hold a safe and sacred space for everybody's feelings to be felt. I wouldn't have been able to do that without that relationship. So how I coped was I, for whatever reason, just chose to be compassionate for them. It took me 50 years to learn theirs. I'm here to, and I can't, I can't don't, I can't deny or ignore this anymore. And it didn't, my awareness to my own needs didn't surface until it erupted. Yeah. Because I didn't say anything. I never spoke my truth. I never fought back. That wasn't my style. I was afraid. I, I, and unfortunately, when, when my parent drank, it would often be to a point where they didn't remember. And so they would wake up the next morning having no idea what rolled out the night before. And I never told them. So it was like I was living this movie over and over and over. That I couldn't stop playing. And so one way I coped was I think compartmentalizing myself and making them a priority. That worked for a while. Then I threw myself into work and they moved geographically when I was six and a half, a 16 and a half. So I was living on my own. I started kind of my own life at a very young age. So the distance helped. I wasn't living with them. Right. So that definitely helped. But then when I went to visit, which was like maybe once a year, it was still happening. When I became a mother, it's when it started to shift. Because yeah, the lioness in me started to emerge and it was like, okay, I sacrificed myself as a child to protect my parent. But when I became a parent, now I felt like, oh no, I've got Cubs. Now I need to protect them. And it wasn't until a pretty significant episode happened at my home and where my kids were. And that's when I drew a very clear boundary and I requested that they leave my house. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And then since then, it was, yeah, just I needed some distance. We did have a conversation where we bought it to this parents awareness, but there was no real ownership of it. Their life, their trauma is so significant that they're in it. And I think I also spent a lot of my life trying to fix them and try to help them and guide them to different opportunities or services or chances to heal, some of which they did. And one in particular, you know, experience for them was a huge shift. And then, yeah, and then kind of went back to old ways. So my answer now, and four years ago was to disconnect because I love them fully, but I've come to a point in myself where I love myself. And I've needed to make that a priority too. And that's how I've coped with it. And then I just got really responsible for healing myself. And yeah, I don't blame them for how I am or who I was. If anything, I bow down to them because I chose them as my belief and through my interaction with them, I've turned out all right. I'm pretty good with people. I'm not great at many things, but I'm pretty all right with being with people. You are, you are. I really just hold for anybody the pain that can come by being in relationship with people where it is painful or unsafe and unsafe. And there sometimes the absolute wisdom is complete disconnection. Sometimes it is, as you say, standing up and saying, "No, this is not okay." And actually calling the boundary because for many children and people who are still into adulthood but are still the child or someone like that, they will still make it okay for the parent. Instead of actually making okay for themselves, we're very conditioned to do that. It's not uncommon, it's unusual at all because there's still the little child in us that's like, "I still want your love and I still want you to see me." Like it's a big part of healing our stories, isn't it? And that in a child piece. And I just want to say too, there's a grief that comes, and this is not just with a parent with an addiction, but there's a grief that comes for most people when they start to really look at their stories. When they realize, "I am never going to get the parent that I want." You know, they are not going to be able to turn up for me in the way that I deeply want. And there's a grief that has to be felt. And my Lord, so is, and that takes time too. And I would say, having lived that grief for a long time because my life was not a Johnson & Johnson commercial, right? What I thought as a child, because that's what we saw by any means, that one of the biggest accesses for transformation is acceptance. Now, acceptance of what is, it's not like, accept under sufferance, but when we accept that they are the way they are, and they're not the way they're not, then we're in congruence with what is. A lot of my struggle was, "I really didn't accept. I mean, I didn't know any better. I wanted to change it." As we all do, we are with the best intentions. We want to fix and change, and we don't want them to suffer, and we don't want to suffer, and we project our own needs onto other people. But when I stopped protecting them and sacrificing myself, and that took years, and then I started to take care of my own needs, which only surfaced when I became a mother. Then I started to prioritize differently, and then it was like, "Okay, well, I've offered all of these things, and they're still not going down their path." I have to accept what is, they are the way they are, they're not the way they're not. I love them regardless. However, I can't control that. I have to now take care of me, and my own windology, and my own shortcomings, my own insecurities, my own beliefs, behaviors, and who I've become. Because now, what I am proud of in this whole initiation is, I broke the chain. Because my parent had chronically addicted parents, who no doubt had chronically addicted parents. So, you know, whatever occurred in me to break the chain, and have the consciousness to be able to go, "I'm not going to be passing that lineage on, that is something I'm deeply proud of, because I've done the work to be able to go, yeah." And I've got addicted behaviors, I've had addictions of my own, but to be able to go, "Yeah, no, I've got a, there's something true of for me to pursue." And then, yeah, just drawing that healthy boundary and loving them from afar. But when we, I think from my own experience, and certainly studying NLP or neuro-linguistic programming and neuroscience, if we don't accept what is, we're not congruent with what is, and then we're always in conflict with what is. That's a fast track to being in stress and survival, where you're not in alignment with reality. That means every single day, every person, every object, everything, every time and place you go, you're not in alignment with what is. So, you're sending your nervous system a signal, it's not safe. That's a tricky road to navigate. The safe thing is massive for most people. And I think they don't even realize that they don't feel safe. They're just, they're so used to a level of this hypervigilance that they actually aren't even aware that there's a baseline that, you know. So, for anyone that does feel like that, I don't know a lot of people operate on that level because they're stressed, like a lot of balls in the air, or it's just their programming and upbringing. Like, what's your first invitation? When you are in that, like, where do we start? It's such a great question. And you're right, we operate at this and this becomes the new normal. We think this is normal. Those altered states of being aren't normal. They're altered. The very first place to begin is the breath. Returning back to our breath, breathing, and a certain type of breathing is the fastest way to get back into homeostasis, back into balance and order, out of fight flight freeze because when we're stressed, think about what's happening. Our pupils are dilating to let more light in because we have to see where the saber tooth tiger is and we've got to run, fight it or go in the cave. Our salivary glands dry up and we don't produce saliva because this is not the time to ingest or digest any foreign matter. Our heart rate increases, our blood pressure rises, our respiratory system is compromised and vital blood that is feeding our internal organs gets shunted to the extremities of our body. So, we are on high alert. The brain is always checking in on the body. How are you going down there, you know, body? So, brains are always checking in on the heart. How are you going down there, heart and the heart is like I'm pretty stressed, I'm pretty scared. This doesn't feel safe. Brain goes cool. Let me go on to high alert. And so, when we're in that high alert state, we're out of coherence. And when the brain, the heart is irregular and the brain is irregular and we're out of coherence, we don't feel safe. We are in stress and survival. And the fastest way to return back to balance and order and regulate ourselves is to breathe. And we encourage in neurochanged solutions to, if you can, if you're not operating heavy machinery or driving a car, to close your eyes, to disconnect from the external environment because billions of pieces of information are hitting your neocortex, that your brain is trying to process. So, when you shut that out and just go internally and disconnect from the third dimension or reality and you return to your heart and you just bring. You're awareness into your heart or chest area and you breathe slower and deeper than usual. At a rhythm, that's just really comfortable for you. And you just do that. This is a prudent method from heart math institute, which I've been certified to teach the science and practice of heart coherence. You breathe into your heart disconnect from the world slower and deeper than usual at a rhythm that's comfortable for you. And then if you can generate a renewal state such as appreciation or care or compassion or gratitude, just a feel good emotion and you radiate that to yourself and to others, well then the heart is going to become coherent. And the heart will relax and when the heart's relaxed and it feels safe, the brain's checking in how you're going down the heart, heart's like, "Oh yeah, feel good. I feel safe. This is okay." Brand goes, "Good, okay, awesome. Let me get into the. I'm getting goosey's. Let me become the creator again. Let me be present. Let me stop worrying about the past and anticipating the worst case scenario. Let me be here now because it's safe. And then we can actually create something new. And this is why I studied this work and I'm teaching it now. It's because it is so simple. And we're not taught it. It's simple, not easy, not easy, but worth it. If we all could just breathe and if we all could be responsible, what does that mean? When we're sitting in the distinction of being responsible, we're telling ourselves, "I'm able to respond." That's what it means. Because we're reaction machines, in stress and survival, reacting to every person and every object, everything, every time and place, every meeting, and everywhere we're going, we're just reacting to what is through our lens. But where we can go, "Okay, cool. Let me be responsible for my thoughts, for my actions and my feelings, and let me connect to my breath and just get out of stress and survival and be here. That is a great place to start." And that's an access to personal mastery, is our breath. That would be the thing I would say. And I know that there will be people watching and hearing this can breath work. That is for mature drinking, lack-rewearing yogis. That's not for me. Give me the strategy. Give me the thing, or it feels more comfortable judging others and blaming others and blaming the global economy and the cost of living and diesel prices. I know I have a diesel car, you know, it's easy to point the finger, but then there's three pointing back called me. myself and I. And when we can get more curious about this, and less about the problems out there, and we just can breathe, well then we're back in homeostasis, back in balance and order, and we can function more clearly. And we get out of survival, living in stress is living in survival, and we're no good to ourselves or anyone. And it's not a matter of if we get sick or worse, it's a matter of when, because no organism is designed to live an emergency mode 24/7. And we just, we are. I mean, I think that's the current state of our world right now. Everybody's nervous system is pinging, because well, again, we've kind of created a reality where it's fast, and it's so much information, and I think that's become our baseline as you're talking about. And we know what strikes me, and I'm a big fan of the breath. I taught breathing for many years in birth. I saw the power of breath when I worked in birth. I know how powerful it can be, but what I often see with people is it's very simple, but as you say, it takes practice. And people don't want to do the practice. They want a quick route, they want a quick. We want a pill. Yeah. We want to give me a tablet to take me out of stress. And, you know, look again, I'm all open for what works for you, right? But what I have seen with humans, which I'm sure you have as well, is we are so quick to go, can you just make it better like this? Tell me the one, two, three magic step, and then I'll fix it, right? Tell me that with my kids. What do I have to do? So just stop some doing this, stop some doing that. That's right. And we are hardwired to just kind of look at that. I just want the fix quickly, but the work of being patient and the work of just going, this is hard, and maybe it's boring, and I want to do it, but I'm going to keep practicing it. And I'm going to keep practicing because it's a lot going to the gym. You can't just wake up and go, I want muscles. I want to lose 10 kilos. And just sitting there thinking about it, it's not necessarily going to happen. You have to keep doing it, and you've got to turn up, and there's the consistency, and there's the dedication to it. And, and you know, that is this simple, simple, simple technique is it does take a bit of practice. It does. I like to call it devotion because, you know, people like, I don't like discipline. I'm like, no, discipline feels like hard work, and it's not fun. But when you're devoted to something, you're pouring your heart into it. You'll, you love what you do. So you, it's a choice, and, and you're right. People, you know, when they do breath work or meditation, they think they're doing it wrong when they stop to meditate and disconnect. And to meditate, the Tibetan translation is to become familiar with. So what, what do we want to become familiar with? We want to become familiar with the 60 to 70,000 thoughts we're having a day, the program that's 95% of who we are, because we cannot change what we cannot see. And as Dr. Joe says, there is no bad meditation. People think they're doing it wrong when they sit down and close their eyes and distract and, and go within and just observe their thoughts. And they have a gazillion thoughts. They go, I can't do this, this sucks. I'm, I'm bad. And they get up and go make a coffee and go about the day. You're actually doing it right. You're actually, if you can sit down, think about this. If you can sit down and you are witnessing your thoughts, you can see the program, you're no longer in the program. And that's what we call metacognition. It's the ability to be able to think about what you're thinking about. You can't change unless you can think about what you're thinking about. Now, now it's getting really real. And you go, Oh, I'm addicted to being disappointed in myself. I had no idea. I had no idea. Now I can change. Now I can think and you thought. So the breathwork is the first piece to get back into a state of coherence because when we're in stress and survival, we're in that program, 95% of the time. The next piece is metacognition, getting into that state of stillness and becoming the observer of your mind and seeing what's got your attention and where your thoughts are going because our thoughts and words create our world. Oh, okay. So look at the quality of what I'm thinking. And then the next piece is starting to get clear about, okay, well, what am I thinking? Even write it down. How is that making me act and behave? Get straight with yourself. How's that making me feel? Those feelings and emotions are producing chemicals, hormones. And I'm either flooding my body with cortisol and adrenaline or dopamine serotonin, which one would you prefer? I know what I'd prefer. And it's like, I can't call. Am I committed to that? Well, no, well, what am I committed to? And then you want to start creating, well, how do you want to think about this thing? We try to change everything and everyone else around us rather than going, okay, I don't want to think that way anymore. I don't want to show up that way and I want to treat myself that way or others. How do I want to think? How do I want to act and how do I want to feel? And you can literally create a whole new state. But you can't do that if you don't stop the craziness and pause and breathe and get into alignment and get out of the program. And the beautiful thing about this work is you can teach yourself how to go from 5% conscious awareness, trying to lift a 95% program to switching on the frontal lobe, the boss, the CEO, the conductor of the great symphony of your mind. This is the part of the brain where you are the creator. And you can ask yourself questions of what would it be like to, you know, be happy? What would it be like to be healthy? What would it be like to be the greatest expression of myself? And just like chat GPT, it will scan all the history of the artifact of your mind, the autobiographical you, and it will curate answers and lay it down for you to be the creator of your own reality. But if you don't stop and breathe and think about what you're thinking about and get responsible, not responsible like I'm at fault and I'm to blame and crack that guilt whip that we can do. No, no, no, no, no. Just now it's time to wave the one and get clear about what do you want to create? Because most of us are living a life where we're being a victim of circumstance. We think life is happening to us. When we can stop and breathe, practice metacognition and then mentally rehearse how we do want to think, how we do want to act and how we do want to feel here's the beautiful thing. The brain and the body are so objective, they don't know the difference between a real life situation happening or one that is imagined. And if we are thinking about the memories of the past or anticipating worst case scenario in the future, we are knocking ourselves into stress by our thought alone. Well, we can knock ourselves into greatness, into homeostasis, into balance and order by thought alone. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, God, we need to hear this 10,000 times because we are so conditioned, aren't we? To go worst case scenario, this is what's wrong. We play the loop. We play the loop of the evidence of what we think is true. It is, and you know, one of my favourite sayings, I say it all the time, what do I want this to look like? What do I want this to look like? And look at you, you're a master creator, one of the things I celebrate about you're like, oh, I just, I want to have this. And then you'll message me a few days and guess just what happened or this just came out. And I'm like, of course, we're attention goes energy flows, but stress is caused by the perception that things are going to get worse, losing control and not being able to predict the next moment. Yes. And when we're in those states, well, we try to control everything and everyone. We try to predict the next moment. And we spend our time imagining the worst case scenario. Why? When you're in stress and survival, if you can imagine the worst case scenario, anything less than that, you've got a greater chance of surviving. So your brain is doing what it's designed to do. But what you're not aware of is your neurochemically conditioning your body to act like there's a saber-toothed tiger. And then giving your power to external things to feel better. And that's why we are doom scrolling our life away. It's the modern day fire gazing that cave men and women used to do. When we watch the flicker of a flame, our nervous system would regulate after weaving the baskets and chasing the bison and bringing it back to the cave. Now the modern day fire gazing is this. But every single swipe, every single like, every single comment is a decision. And 30 seconds into waking where we start a new day, most people go to their device and they're lost in somebody else's agenda. And we haven't consciously created who we are in the day. And then we're on autopilot, living the same day we did yesterday last week, last month, last decade, 50 years ago. And then most of us, unfortunately, die with our potential intact, unfulfilling, the very thing that they came here to fulfill. And it's like, yeah, well, we got work to do. We have got work to do. And I, you know, what I love about this so much because I am, I'm a big fan of this. Like I feel like, I mean, we talk about this stuff all the time. I feel like I have really, you know, in the last maybe 10, so he is really tried to live my life in this way of being very intentional, watching my thoughts, being really curious about what it is. You know, I am a big fan of the curiosity always. What am I making this mean? What do I want it to look like? Like all, you know, they're my two favorite questions. I ask all the time because I'm just like, where am I in this story that I'm running of my life? Where am I in this? And, you know, what I say and we talk about this often. I mean, this, you know, one of my biggest values in my life is freedom. I know it's like for me, like you ask me, what's up the top? I'm like, to live a free life. Yeah. Where I get to choose what I do, I get to, I, you know, I have, I've created a life where I can be free to, to be who I I don't like it. been locked into anything. That's why I've never worked for anyone. I've been like Ramon businesses since I was 20. Like I just, I need the freedom to move how I want to be. And it's my highest value. And for me, being able to be aware of this stuff speaks to the freedom. Because I go, I, life happens and shit happens. It shit happens. Hard stuff has happened. Yeah. I've had, I've had my traumas. I like, you know, there's no perfect life, right? We all, the hard can be an absolute gift, but it's how we look at it, right? And I think, and I, and I bless my mom, shout out to Barb for really going this from a young age, right? Different, not so much the neuroscience of it, but from a more spiritual perspective. She knew this from when she was younger and would often say to me, you know, you create your reality on some level. Like, so what's going on here? What are you, what are you, what's the gift here? What's the gift here? What's this person bringing you? So that was something that I knew about from a young age and would play with, you know, even in my early 20s. And it's been something that's very ingrained in me. So it's, it's not, it's rare if something bad happens or something goes on that I go, it's not fair. Like I initially have a reaction to it. Sure. But then I'm always like, all right, what's this about? There's something got a shift in movement. Yeah. What is here for me when I'm making it me? I mean, you know, when I was writing my book, because that was not your love. Then I had a lot of feelings come up around that process because it tapped me 100% into my own story if I'm not smart enough. Yeah. And I was talking about this before. So that was the loop that was playing, right? And so it just kept popping up and popping up and I would voice not you and I'd be like, all the things. But I could see it. I could see the story. I was hooked into it. I would then be aware of it. I was able to put it down. I'd be like, what do I want this to look like? Where do I want to sit with those kind of things? And I would see the shift with it. Yes. And I think, for me, again, I come back to this is how we get to live our most powerful life. Because free life to your point. And because the thing that you just said then, which is the part that kind of breaks my heart is when we aren't able to be to move into this, we are limiting the potential of the magic of our lives. Because every one of us has something that is magical and a gift and something that we're here to do. And when we are so locked in with these imprints, belief stories, ways of thinking, we limit not only us for feeling that potential, but the benefits the world gets. Exactly. Exactly. And we're here to be humans being and we're humans doing. Doing everything we believe we need to do to survive this reality of life that doesn't feel safe. And I'm fortunate enough to have had the honor and privilege to have spent time with thousands of people individually or in community or organizations. And there are three fundamental beliefs that you could put it in a big funnel and just sift it all down to one, you know, one for ourselves, one for others in the world. And here's what I've learned in my experience. The core belief we all have is I'm not good enough. Others are better than me. And the world's not fair and scary. And that is it. That's our viewfinder of life. And it's really, really hard to see anything else. And so if that's our core belief system, then we are just surviving that reality. And often it then we become unconscious to it. And then it's only when something external happens that we get a wake up call to go, what am I doing with my life? And then we ask the big questions of, what am I doing? But we put the power and things externally. And like you, you know, I believe the world would be a happier, healthier, more compassionate, creative, abundant, flourishing environment if we got out of that state and became conscious humans being responsible for themselves, their thoughts, their actions, their feelings, stopped pointing the finger and got curious about me, myself and I didn't crack the guilt whip and didn't spend time in the suffering and literally became the author no longer the story of their life. And to me, that is a worthy endeavor and a noble pursuit that we all, if I could cast an invitation, that we all get interested in doing. And you don't have to do it alone. That's the beautiful thing. Who you surround yourself with really matters. And you know, this is one of the reasons I'm so grateful and deeply joyful. And our friendship is we champion each other. We hold space for our windology. We don't let each other get a collude and get slippery with each other because it's easy to be a victim. It's easy to have a nitty-bitty shitty committee with yourself and invite your friends to come and toast misery marshmallows around the campfire. It's easy. It takes something to be courageous. It takes something to have faith in yourself and others when you're there for you. But I don't think we should quit on ourselves or each other just yet. I think there's more to us being human and us humans, being then we're even remotely aware of. And all we need to do is be compassionate with ourselves and others and get curious in what we're capable of. It's just all take a very deep breath now. Man, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my two cents. Your story of you're upbringing and your parents and all that happened I know is part of your journey. And because of it though, it's like what a gift that you get to sit here and share this knowledge with me. And I am so grateful for your courage of your willingness to do your work. I know that one of the things that is so important for you is of being of service to others, to help them remember who they are, to wake them up, to show them the potential and the possibility of what exists for them. And, and I see you do that all the time. I see how many people are touched by your work. And I just want to honor you and little Tanger and the key and your parents for, for all that was the story that allows you to now be here to make a change for many humans in the world. So thank you. Thank you for being my friend, but also, I mean, you've taught me so much, but, but also just thank you for the gift of what you give to the world. Thank you. As we finish up, what would you like people to know about what you've got going on? How can people find you, share how they can get something to do? Well, thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for those kind words. And I just want to throw in, you know, I haven't arrived anywhere either. I have the privilege of working with a lot of people, but I see myself as a perfectly imperfect consistent work in progress. And that's my invitation for others just to see themselves the same. So, you know, if, if that resonates with you and, and you want to learn more or learn a bit about neuroscience, which is just the study of how our brain and nervous system influence the way we think, the way we act, the way we feel, how we interact or more so react to our environment. You can find me on Instagram, the Evolution Agents, our website is the Evolution Agents, and then of course, just Tangerly on LinkedIn. She's your own venture. You will see a lot of the work that we do is really niched into real estate and property. That's because I was simply a consumer who was really underwhelmed with the experience of listing and selling my family home and it just found really transactional. So, we're doing some work to change an entire industry and make it relational. But please don't think you have to be a real estate or property professional to connect. If there's something I've shared about living with someone with addiction or the tools and resources I use or you want to learn more particularly about Dr. Joe Dispenser's work and how that's changed my life and my clients life, just reach out on any platform and I'd be honored to have a conversation and just provide a raft for your evolution and us evolving together. I just thank you and doing this a lot. It feels like this is very serious and half and we have a good laugh too and we get up to some mischief and cheeky times. But I feel like we're giving a serious heart sentence to today. There we are. Please, all Tangerly's details will be in the show notes as well. For me, what I really hope people take away from this episode is it changes possible and that it just takes a little bit of courage to understand our story and where we've come from and that, you know, all the possibilities exist for us. Yeah. It's time to be the author. Not the story. Yes. Amazing. Thanks for being here, babe. I love you. We do. Thanks for sharing this time with me. You can find my book on your story at bookshops or listen to the audio book on Audible. I even read it. myself. You can stay connected with humans being on Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube. We love to hear from you, so please leave a comment, question, or contemplation. And visit my website lalesdome.com.au, where you'll find lots of great resources and courses for you to explore. This podcast is produced by Nigel Carbon, recorded by the crew at We Make Online Videos. Designed by Mike Garl, and our original music is created by Josh Reed. Humans being is produced from the lands of the Bun Yorong and what are wrong people. We pay respect to the unique and diverse cultures and to elders past, present, and future. Until next time, stay connected and don't forget to be human. The ads you hear at the end of this episode are served by our podcast platform and may not reflect the views of humans being or lalesdome.