Take It From Us | Reading Reddit Stories

We'll be right back. Hi, welcome to Smosh Reads Reddit Stories. I'm Shane, and today's theme is advice. That's right. And I'm joined by two people who you should definitely take advice from, Ian and Damien. Thanks, Shane. Yeah, I don't think I've ever led anyone astray with my advice, ever. I think I've always given very fair, level-headed, and serious advice. Yeah. And that's why I was brought on for this episode. Every. A bit of advice I'm going to say is completely in earnest. Okay. And I 100% back. Okay. Take whatever stance you don't, and then we'll get a fair and sort of balanced system. That's probably a good idea, Damien. You know what? I do actually, as a friend, I do really like your advice that you give, because even if I. You know, sometimes it's like dead on. Sometimes I don't agree with it 100%, but it's always coming from like a really good and well-thought-out place. So no matter what, it's always like, oh, okay. I haven't thought about it like that, and it helps me get to where I need to be, so. Yeah. Yeah. He hit you with that genuine shit right off the bat. Yeah, I was waiting for the. How does that feel? I was waiting for the, you know. The joke. The uppercut to come. There's no uppercut today. That'll be later. He's letting that sit back. Thank you, Damien. No worries. Appreciate you. Appreciate you. I, uh. Look, I was a camp counselor for a very brief period of time, and no one ever really came to me for advice, but I'd like to. I like to think if they did, I'd be able to offer them some wisdom that sticks with them to this day. Today, we're going to be covering some subreddits we really haven't touched on much. There's a bunch of advice subreddits. Nice. So we're going to be hearing a lot of people's situations. A lot of them are asking for advice. A lot of the advice is given in the comments. That might be very illuminating for all of us. But I think there's a lot of fun conversation topics that are going to come about from all of these things. Perfect. Great. All right. Load it up. All right, here we go. Here we go. This is always going to be like, have you tried shooting it? Kill it. Kill it with a gun. Here we go. Our first post. This was posted back in February of 2020. They said, we're doing a podcast with a friend, and he's telling the entire Dragon Ball timeline. We've been here for 50 minutes, and it doesn't stop. How can we politely tell him that he's been talking for way too long? Wait, so he's like literally typing as the guy's talking about it? It's a very short post. Yeah. So he's typing this. He typed this out while they're doing the podcast. The other guy's in the zone, not even paying attention to the fact that they're on the phone. Just locked in on Dragon Ball. 50 minutes doesn't sound like that long. Well, he's probably not finished with Dragon Ball yet. Right. He hasn't gotten to Dragon Ball Z. And then there's GT, which is like a different timeline. And then it's Super, right? Dragon Ball Super. There's all the movies. There's like the Broly movie. Well, I hope he covers that. Yeah, he's got to do that. He's got to cover that. And if he wants to really get into it, he's got to do Dr. Slump. Dr. Slump, which is what Akira Toriyama made before Dragon Ball. I've never heard of this. Yeah, it's about a little robot girl named Arale. And there's a lot of poop humor. It's more like childish. Oh, okay. See, it sounds like you could use 50 minutes. It sounds like I need that. Dang, okay. So they write, when we tell him that he is taking up all the conversation, he just laughs and says it's content. We're kind of trapped here and cannot say anything. How do we break it to him? This is no joke. This is serious. Mods, if this is too trivial for this sub, just delete this post. I'll understand. No problem. Okay, so they're in a real sticky situation where they're filming a podcast. They're trying to get him to stop, but he continues going, we don't know what podcast this is. Because if it's an anime podcast, I'm like, hey man, par for the course. In the comments, they find Joe Rogan talking about Dragon Ball for 50 minutes. He's just like, so there's Goku. Jamie, pull up Dragon Ball Z. What? I can't imagine they have a central theme to their podcast and or have done this very long. Because if this is a regular thing, it's a problem. Or if it's a regular thing, it's a problem. If it's a one-time thing, this feels like the first episode. Like, let's sit down and do a podcast finally. This might be an incompatibility thing. This might be the first and last podcast of this podcast. Yeah, this might be tough. I was going to say, there's so much opportunity on TikTok for one person to talk to you about a niche interest for 50 minutes. That guy will be by himself and do just fine. Yeah. To be clear, this is borderline an episode of Smosh Games where Spencer just explains the Resident Evil timeline. Which was great, by the way. Yeah. I'm never going to play number six. And so I got to watch that. No, you're right. People will watch that. I watched that whole damn thing. People will watch that shit. And I hate Smosh Games. And I hate Spencer. Yeah, yeah. No, that's. I mean, like, it doesn't matter. Like, just. It doesn't fucking matter, man. Just delete the podcast after. Just, like, sit there, go on your phone. Wow. Delete the podcast. I think the, like, the real advice I can give, because before I was just like, what are they doing? Real advice? Like, if they. If they are friends and they really want to make this work, think about why you want this friend with you and just, you know, appeal to that and be like, dude, Jake, I don't know, you're so good at, like, being, you know, making these insightful comments or, like, you're so funny when you banter back and forth like this and, like, obviously you got a lot of Dragon Ball knowledge, but, like, we don't really get to have those moments. And if we want this podcast to be a cool thing, I think what we have going for us is your relationship with this or your insight on this, you know. It needs to be a conversation. Yeah. I heard that's what podcasts are. If people want to, like, if people want to yap, I mean, I think that's a good point of, like, TikTok or have your own, like, YouTube channel. Like, people love to watch people yap about one specific interest for, like, four hours. Like, I know I do. So I feel like that's more of the medium for that. Like, if you want to talk about the entire timeline of Dragon Ball Z, I'm kind of seeded for that. Oh, yeah. This guy's actually missing out. Yeah. He needs to make his own YouTube channel, just do this, the entire Dragon Ball timeline explained. Yeah. I know there's probably already a million of those videos out there, but it sounds like he's ready to do this himself. There are. Yeah, there's probably other people who've done it better, but he can do his own. Yeah. For fun. Yeah. For shits and gigs. Find your niche. Yeah, I think he's misunderstanding the point of a podcast. Yeah, no, he's being very, he's being shitty to his co-hosts. Like you'd said before, that's the bigger issue of someone being like, hey, man, we want to have a conversation. He'd be like, no, this is content. Like, no. You're like, well, yes, yes. It is content. Whether it's good or bad is the question. Comments. So people responded to this guy and they said, let's be honest, the Dragon Ball timeline is pretty interesting. OP said, it sure is, but the other guys don't care about anime or anything about that after all. It was interesting for a good 20 minutes, but then after an hour, we got really tired. Damn. So it's not even an anime podcast. It's not even about that. Someone said, have the great idea of making it a live podcast. Tell them, hold up, got a great idea. Let's do this live. And tell him you're signing into YouTube. It's something. And just prop your phone up. If he doesn't stop, then tell him he's got it and walk away to grab a snack or something. Let him talk to your phone or just tell him, dude, stop, that this isn't the point of the podcast. Someone said, turn off the equipment. We asked you to please stop. This isn't the content we're interested in producing. And lastly, someone left a long comment saying, it sounds like he is trying to fill time, perhaps because your podcast is open-ended discussion with no guidelines. Try telling him that from the audience's perspective, they will expect to hear content from all podcasters. If you find it awkward, the listeners will too. Perhaps also work out an agenda before your podcast to break up roles and responsibilities for the content. Decide which topics are discussions, multiple people versus rants, one person talking versus interview style, structured ask and reply. I hear some podcasters even announce their agenda at the beginning of the podcast. Maybe have designed roles for facilitator slash timekeeper, snarky comment guy and deadpan response guy. Don't just sit down and start talking. If there are guidelines and he is not following them, then say, dude, I am delighted you have passion for the topic. We do too. Let's follow our agenda so we can showcase all the stuff we plan to cover. Maybe some of your content can help fill in our next one. Where do you want to cut off for today? I think that's a good point of like having an actual plan. Sure. Because if it is a completely unstructured podcast, then like you're, you were kind of asking for a situation like this. Yeah. You know, if you didn't set those guidelines. Especially when you asked this friend to be on the pod. I mean, I wonder if this is not par for the course for this friend. Yeah. It's like, oh, well, I invited my buddy who goes on rants about anime for hours on end. Yeah. Like, oh, well, he did the thing. A completely quiet finance guy and the moment he's got a microphone, he's just like, so Goku. Oh, he's this little boy with a monkey tail. Check this out. Update. Oh. Everything's fine now. I did the presidential debate thingy after one hour counting down from three and saying, it's someone else's time to talk for an hour now. God. Fuck. They fixed the friendship, but that probably didn't fix the podcast. No, not at all. I gotta say, Smosh Games, which I know you hate and that's okay. Big hater. The biggest hater. The biggest hater. They really killed it with the Spencer Explains stuff because like, there is no better gift than like getting to go on a rant about something you love to somebody who's like, tell me more about Pokemon. I don't know anything. And you're like, oh, like it's just. - I know. - It's the best feeling. like set it up in a way that Angela and Amanda were there and they made it content and people got to enjoy and learn through him and all that stuff like I know we're talking in the future this was 2020 but if they're if these folks are here now explain DBZ to your friends for an hour and make it a video yeah and it's it's a delight the market's ripe for it yeah we primed it for you but you need to make sure that like your friends actually want to hear you rant about this yeah where these people they clearly did not know what they were getting themselves no I mean if it's a planned Dragon Ball Z right yeah yeah maybe that's fun but if it happened by surprise I love anime if you were just like surprised I'm going to talk to you for an hour about anything I'd have a panic attack yeah I feel like I can go if I need to right yeah our next story does involve some death and grief just letting you know before we get into it our next post posted in advice in August of 2025 I feel dirty for being included in a co-worker's will I'm a 27 year old man and work in lower management at my job I've always been an old soul and have made friends easier with older folks one of my co-workers turned lifelong friends is a 67 year old woman formerly a retired police detective of 30 years who began working for the company about two years ago she has no family children siblings nothing we always got along very well and had more in common than with the younger people at the job I eventually became friends with this co-worker outside of work and introduced her to my mom who's the same age as she is and they also became very close fast forward to this year and my friend was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer inoperable she tried to stay at work but ultimately decided to retire and quickly degraded health wise over the next couple of months she passed away this week and I found out that she left me her fairly new SUV along with an investment that I'm yet to learn the sum of my mother was also included in the will and was left 350% What? I feel all kinds of emotions. Obviously sadness because I just lost a close friend to a horrible disease. Joy because my life is being changed for the better in an instant. And also, the point of this post, guilt. I know that most of my other co-workers were unaware of our friendship outside the workplace, and I feel like it may be seen as highly inappropriate. Rumors will swirl by others if a 27-year-old man in a position of power at work inherits a hefty sum from a female co-worker who is much older and worked as my immediate subordinate. I know that the obvious. The obvious choice is not to tell anyone, but I don't know how to keep it a secret when I show up in a new vehicle that was previously hers and when I inevitably have my other co-worker friends over to my new home. They know that I've always lived paycheck to paycheck, and suddenly buying a home will certainly spark conversation. My best friend is also a co-worker in a different department, and while I love the guy, I know if I tell him about the money, he's going to let it slip to the rest of the workplace eventually. I guess my question is, should I keep the inheritance a secret, lying to my friends to hide the situation, or should I just stay quiet and tell people the truth if they end up asking me about it? My mother has already told me to keep it a complete secret, even to other family, but I don't know if it's necessarily healthy to live like that, hiding things from friends and family simply because it's an unusual circumstance. What would you guys do in my situation? I do not want to come off as bragging if I do tell people, and I'm afraid how workplace jealousy could affect the way my employees treat me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Okay. Okay. I think I figured. I figured it out. Okay. Because I think keeping a secret like that eats you up inside over time, and I would never want to keep something like that from people and keep having to lie to people, but I don't think people need all the information. I think you could say I had a very close friend pass away, and they willed this to me. And, you know, it's not like everyone's going to ask you about this new house right away. So there is, like, plausible deniability that it is this friend specifically. But if people are like, wow, this is a great house. How did you get this place? You're like, well, I had a very close friend that passed away. They willed it to me. That's all they need to know. They're not going to go, ooh. You know, like, I think people won't pry. And I think regarding the car, like, unfortunately, I think just sell it. Sell it. Get a different car. That way you don't have that connection. Because that was the first thing I did. That was the first thing I thought of. It was like, oh, there's no way they're going to know. But it's like you're driving up in your former co-worker's car. That's a bit of a red flag. So I would say, yeah, sell the car. Keep the place. Just say it was a very close friend. If we're going on this route of, like, tell a half-truth or keep some of it secret, she was also the mom's close friend, right? So you could say, oh, a close friend of my mom's passed away, and, like, my mom inherited all of this. Family friend. Yeah, like, it's one of those things where, like, nobody is entitled to know this stuff, right? Like, technically. But it's also really uncomfortable. This reminds me of a lot of the stories I hear about when people win the lottery. Yeah. And how that is an actual fucking nightmare. Oh, yeah? Like, it is terrifying shit. So, like, coming about a large inheritance of money in any way or form, this is the type of advice I do here. I'm just like, yeah, however you can to keep it secret. Do I like that in my head? No. Like, I am someone who doesn't. I don't like to keep secrets at all. I would feel really weird about it. But I also understand what they're saying is like, oh, I'm worried that everybody at my work is going to treat me differently. It's like, and I don't know this guy. I don't know his workplace. But I'm just like. I'm curious of how closely people interact and work with one another. Because if this person who passed away, you know, they're like, oh, that's her SUV. It's like, well, how unique is the SUV? Like, show up in a GMC Yukon or whatever. People are going to be like, that's hers. Right. On top of that, like, I know for me, so I'm maybe projecting here, guilt comes up a lot when if you boil it down, I don't have control over something. Or there's another emotion that's very difficult to process. Guilt for me means like, oh, if I'm guilty about this, then I'm actually, there's something I could have done. Then I'm actually in control about this. Then it's my choice that this happened. And, you know, they didn't befriend this person to inherit something. They just had an older friend who passed away. And, you know, if they wanted to, you know, send their money elsewhere or give it to a relative or something like that, they would have done it. The fact that this person, a younger person, gave this older person the time of day and also became a true friend of them probably meant a lot. And they're like, this is the best thing I can do. Like, they were also clearly of sound mind when they were like, I'm dealing with stage four cancer. This could be it. If I go, what do I want? What do I want to leave behind and to whom? So taking the guilt outside of it and just looking at it as it is, people don't need to know your situation. Not everybody in that place is going to go to your home. Not everyone's going to be like looking at your SUV with like an eagle eye and being like, I know what this is. And, you know, it doesn't have to, I don't know, separate thought. It almost feels like survivor's guilt sometimes, not just in the way of like losing a friend, but like when people do live, paycheck to paycheck in the way things are set up now. And people are like, I don't have money for whatever. And now you suddenly have all of this money. Yeah. You know, it's like a life. It's a life changing. Yeah. Sum of money. Right. It's yeah. I, I definitely, I definitely understand like the feeling of guilt of like, did I deserve this? On the, on the emotional side of things. I think we're talking about the practical stuff on the emotional side. It's like, Hey, this was her decision. Yeah. You don't have like, I know you feel guilt. Right. And you can only do so much. You can't just like, like I'm done feeling guilty. Like, you know, right. But it's like, but what, what you're saying, I feel like is like you can acknowledge in some part of your brain of like, and that's not warranted. Like you, you, this person made a choice. Yeah. They, with, with their free will and, and their, their mind to, to give you this money because of the part you played in their life. And they wanted that, like that meant something to them to give you this, that problem. And that probably made them feel some joy at the end to know that they were doing this for someone who was so kind to them and they were close to. Yeah. I don't know if I was in that position, it would give me some peace knowing that I was like leaving people that I cared for something that could change their lives for the better. I'm also curious about, they brought up like, oh, it's, I don't know if it's appropriate because they were my direct subordinate. I feel a little bit less strongly about the power dynamic difference there simply because this person clearly had so much in savings or things to pass on. I don't know what the job was, but if someone's 67 and has at the very least, it sounds like half a million dollars to pass on to somebody. It's not like, I guess it could, but it's not like the boss is like, you better work well and leave things to me. Cause I don't know. And they retired, they did, they had to retire early, but I think the subordinate thing only, and maybe I'm, maybe I'm off on here and, and if I am that, like, you know, please let me know. But like. That type of workplace dynamic is important for so many people. so many things, right? Where it's like, oh, well, if their power could sway you, but it's like, she's dying. What does she, she doesn't, you can't really hold anything over her in that stage. Like there's, she kind of has like a type of free will in that moment where she's like, I can make whatever decision. I'm about to die. Nobody can coerce me in any sort of way. She wasn't coerced by him. Like he had no power over her in that moment, but both because she had so much money already, but also because it's like, what, what could he have? Sure. You know, like the only argument. I wouldn't want that like scrutiny from my coworkers if I was in that, if I was in that position. So I think like, yeah, I would do, I would take, yeah, a lot of precaution and not revealing that like, oh, I got this from this person that worked underneath me. Cause like, whether or not it was like totally above board and like, obviously they, it was, because they had a true friendship, people aren't going to see it that way. He's worried about the perception of it. And people are so jealous too, because I mean, what a blessing to like, you know, to like, you know, one day you're, you are living paycheck to paycheck. The next day you're a homeowner. Like that's, that's the dream for, for so many people. And if somebody finds out about that in the workplace, like there's going to be so much, like unnecessary, like animosity towards that person. Cause like, oh, what did you do to get this? Like, no way I would, I would quit. I would quit the job if, if people found out. Yeah. It's the unfortunate thing. And I think I feel it with a lot of Reddit stories where it's like, here's the correct thing. Here's the, here, oh, this is the right thing. And it's like, and the world is so wacky and weird and you can do the absolute right thing, but be perceived in a completely different way. And you cannot control that. And that sucks. And you see that with a situation where it's just like, hey man, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Um, some comments, I would stay quiet. And if someone asks, then tell them you did nothing wrong. And the woman was your friend. There is nothing to feel weird about. You made a difference in her life and she returned the favor. 2.3 thousand upvotes. And some responded that saying, and truthfully say the house slash money was left to your mom, her friend. OP responded that comment as well. Thank you for the reply and the help. I'll definitely stay quiet. But the only reason I feel weird about it is because of the boss slash subordinate thing. I hope that the other people who work under me that I like to think of as friends as well. Also die and give me their money. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. That I like to think of as friends as well won't think I did some dirty play to get into the will or be jealous and feel left out if they weren't included. For example, I know that a few weeks before her death, my friend blocked several of my coworkers on Facebook because she always saw them as friends. I saw them as gossip girls and didn't want to be part of it as she tried to enjoy her last days. They asked me if I knew why they were blocked and I just acted oblivious as to not hurt their feelings. I'm worried the workplace relationships could get tense if they also find out that I was close enough with her to be treated as a son, but maybe I'm just overthinking. Thank you again for the reply and the help. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they're overthinking it. I sadly, yeah, it's tough. It's a valid worry. It's hard, but I very much question what kind of workplace this is and what kind of boundaries are in place. Right. Because even like Smosh is an example. We are like more close than a lot of workplaces would be and that goes across like cast is friends with crew, is friends with these people in production, is friends with everybody. Like, and even then there's no like, did you hear the thing about the whatever? Or at least not that I've experienced. No, it's true. I will also say though, like we're lucky for that. We're lucky for that. I do think like a lot of workplaces, it's not like. Yeah. I will say if one of you died and one of the other of you rolled up in their car, I would know. Cause I know what all you guys drive. Okay. So I would know. I'd be like, why are you driving my dead coworkers car? Why are you driving it? I can't. Someone's got to drive Shane's cool car. Someone's got to drive Shane's Honda Civic. Yeah. He would drive forever. He would want this. I'm like, but bicep curls. Curling while I'm like ghost riding your car. I'm just like, yeah, this is what Shane would do and would want. It is crazy that my Honda Civic will be driving long after I die. It probably will. Yeah. I don't think that's, I don't think that's true. No, it's cause that thing's going to go for like a hundred years. You can go for a hundred years. You're a healthy man. It's, but it's going to be a tight race. It's going to be. Is that a four cylinder? I think you could take it. I could punch it to death. Someone said, sell the car. Keep the secret. Yep. Oh, that's the name of a self help. Book by that person. That's awesome. Keep the secret. So, um, someone said, tell absolutely no one, not coworkers, friends, or even family. Warn your mother to do the same. Never discuss your finances at all. You need to tell no lies. It simply is none of their business. I just like, I, that's also just very easy. Like convenient. It's like, that's awesome. In a world where nobody speaks to you and ever asks you questions. Like, I'm just like, it's this thing of like, yes, that is fair and just, and the world is not that. So if you're going to keep the secret and like be, you know, fully clandestine about it, I think what would be fun is if anytime someone mentions her name, you just sort of look off in the distance and start sweating. And like, if you're holding something like drop it and be like, oh yes, Marguerite, I knew her. And just, you know, if you're, if people are going to talk anyway, lean into it, build into the knives out, tear it, you know? Yes. Yeah. 100%. Be like, I don't even have a space in my backyard. The soil is so hard. I couldn't bury anyone. 100%. Lastly, someone said, people will always talk. The sad loss of your friend could be an important reminder not to spend any of whatever time you have left on others' opinions. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with your grief and feel proud and fortunate that your friendship and presence in another wonderful human's life meant that in her final moments, she chose to honor everything you and your relationship meant to her and to celebrate both with a gift of life-changing generosity. While I obviously don't know either of you, I imagine she would want you to feel peace and deep appreciation for who you are. That's very sweet. You know, occasionally Reddit has a good comment. Yeah. Pretty good. That was pretty solid. No, I mean, it's, I definitely think OP should, I hope they find solace in like peace and like resolution in this whole thing. But I also simultaneously do think there is something to the comments that are advising for like some conscientious movement in their next actions. Like, I hate to say it, but it's just like, yeah, be smart. Be smart. Be smart about it. Yeah. I also hope they got some like financial advice from a professional because it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money. And like, yes, get a house. That's great. But if it's a $350,000 down payment, that better damn well not be the 10% minimum. That better be like a lot of it. You know, keep the car, sell the car, whatever. But like, it doesn't have to be like, yeah, I just, if I show up in all these like fancy watches and like Gucci slides, like I'm like really hoping they don't think of me differently. Like, no, just let it change your life. Yeah. Just be. Right. Yeah. All right. Get ready for a bit of a tone shift. Oh, no. Our next story comes from. Sorry. Stupid. Nice. Thanks. Our next one was posted on Ask Men. And it was posted in 2019. They ask, how many kindergartners do you think you could personally take on in a fight before being overpowered? Dude. Stipulations and context. Number one, the kindergartners are released five at a time every 30 seconds. Oh my God. Number two, the arena is a standard sized classroom, let's say 40 feet wide by 25 feet deep. However, the room is completely empty. Three, the kindergartners are unarmed. They are just going to run at you attempting to punch, kick, bite, and scratch you. Their ultimate goal is to cumulatively dog pile on you and pin you to the ground. If they can pin you for 15 consecutive seconds, you lose. Four, you have to knock a kindergartner unconscious in order to defeat them. Once they are knocked unconscious, they vanish from the classroom arena. Five, you can use any strategy you want to fend them off, but you are also unarmed and you are not allowed to leave the room. Okay. So there's no weapons. There's no weapons. There's no objects in the room. I guess there's no objects in the room that you could pick up and use. So you've just got to. Can you hurl them through a window? I wonder. And out of the arena? Ooh. See, I'm thinking. He should have stipulated that. That's the thing. When they say there's like no. It's otherwise like an empty, you know, classroom. I'm like, there goes any like, you know, obstacle advantage you might have. Yeah. They say you have to knock the kindergartner unconscious in order to defeat them. And see, unlike this realistic situation, that's some movie stuff where like, you know, you just. And then they just pass out. Like, that doesn't happen. That's a severe concussion. Right. Especially at that young age. But it says that once they are knocked unconscious, they vanish from the classroom arena. So they do just poof. Out of there. Kind of like, you know, video game style. God, man. I don't know. So these aren't real kindergartners. They're a simulation of. Right. They're sim kindergartners. Okay. Okay. Just cut that part out and then the rest of the conversation looks like we're fucking monsters. Let's establish it would not be fun. No. No one wants to beat up 100 kindergartners. I don't like the idea of hurting anyone or anything. But, you know, there's the ones of like, oh, would you rather fight a human-sized duck or a duck-sized human? Or no. I forget what it is. Oh, it's like a hundred ducks or one giant duck. or something like that. It's a human-sized horse or a horse-sized duck or whatever. That's right. Yeah, stuff like that. Nah, whatever. But I'm like, I don't want to do any of that. I don't want to fight those things. But realistically, I think I'm losing pretty fast in this. I think so too because like, if five can like grapple you all at once, then you're just kind of like, I mean like, a kindergartner's pretty heavy. Yeah, because if five like, arm or like, if one latches onto your arm, right, that's like what, 50 pounds? Yeah. It's funny, that's the number I literally just laid it on my head. I'm like, that gotta be like what, 50 pounds? But it's also not just that. It's like the fact that they're running at you with so much like oomph. It's, you know, it can take the most minor thing in the world to like tweak your back and then you're just screwed. Like, imagine like if you got little nieces or nephews where they're just like, ha ha ha, catch me. And you're like, oh, okay buddy. Yeah, it's intense. That can be enough. No, at one point, I remember my niece had latched onto my leg. Yeah. You know, like kind of that thing where it's like, oh, like walk and I'll like, you know, and so I'm like walking while she's like on my leg and I'm like, oh, I can barely move now. That's what I feel like you need like a- And I'm like, so that's two there, two on the arms and then the other one's just punching your face. Yeah, yeah. Or like biting you or something. no, it's, I'm losing. I might lose in round one. I'm losing. Yeah, in round one possibly. Yeah. But if you give me like a push broom or something, then I think- A what? Like a push broom. Like- Oh, you haven't entered on that side of the spot. You need like- I've just never heard it referred to as a push broom. I'm sorry. Yeah, you need like some like, you need like a weapon to keep them like at a distance, you know, and like scatter them. This is literally like a what's that one game? What's the kung fu game where you beat up a bunch of people and you can grab like items and it's like a broom. Sifu maybe? Sifu. Yeah, no, because in Sifu I would always grab brooms. That shit was so fun. Yeah, you got to keep them at a distance. Yeah, but if you don't have anything, they just close distance on you and latch on to you like little, little monsters. You'd have to, or if there's like desks, as they're charging, you like jump up onto a desk, get a good kick in. Sure, yeah, yeah, Because otherwise you're dealing with a real like height differential thing here where like they're so small, you're not like, oh, I'm just going to whack them away. It's like you kind of either have to get on their level or use a kick of some kind. Right. But there are no, you know, there's no anything in the room. I think, are they coming at you all at once is that, is that five at a time? I think, yeah, and I'm wondering, do they come from all, all angles? Is it like old timey British army in a line? I'm thinking, I'm thinking the door opens and five rush in. Yeah. Okay. I think, okay, so here, okay, so I think you might need to start it with like, like a football charge. Like you charge at them as they're charging at you. So you nail at least two of them, send them, send them sliding across the floor like 20 feet. Then you got like three. Like 20 feet, yeah. Yeah, I mean, for me, it'd be more like 30 feet, but, and I beg the classroom is, but then you get, then you're dealing with maybe three while the two are like, you know, trying to recover. Right. Then maybe you can like, you know, two latch on your arm. You got one here. Then you got this, this one's free. You go, you know, like take a knee to the one of their heads. Right. I think you're under us. Also, what is giving me some, some thought is like, you can do the classic move where you grab two of their heads and go bonk. And then you gotta knock them out. It's the Mike Tyson with the pigeons except aggressively. Yeah. I'm going to say something I think is kind of awful, but I've been, I've been more quiet on this part and it's because I've been in, in the noggin and trying to think about how you would actually have to do it. I think the only way you're going to survive more than one round is to play on their fear. That's true. I think, because what, it's what you have on you. There's nothing around you. They're all coming at you. They can barrel into you. I think first one near you, you need to catch and like, just make an example of. Oh my God. You just grab them by the mouth. I'm not, I'm not even saying, I'm not even saying what it would be. I don't want those kind of thoughts to enter my brain. Okay. Of like violence. I just am like, it would have to be like. So shock and awe. I'm saying, I have the impaler of like, they're marching on your army and then they see like 10,000 of your own guys. They're like, is this who we're about to fight? Let's go home. It has to be something like that because I'm going to get tuckered out real fast. Like forget the amount of therapy I'm going to need afterwards. Well, these are sim children. They're not real. It's going to, it's real to me. Here's the problem. That argument doesn't work because these are sim children. I'm thinking this, they're not feeling fear. I don't think they feel fear. I don't think they're real. If they don't feel fear, do they feel adrenaline? Because if they don't feel adrenaline, that goes out the window. We're winning. I don't even know if they, it takes adrenaline. When you were saying like, you got to make them like afraid. My thought went to a much more innocent thing of like, dress up as a, dress up as a dentist. You don't have a dentist outfit. Yeah, that's true. It's not in the classroom. I don't want to fight these kids either. Yeah. Or like a barber because like kindergartens hate getting their hair cut maybe. I don't know. That's true. Yeah. Look, let's see what the comments say. Okay. Yeah, we got to see what the, we got to see what the comments say. That's why I always have a clown mask in my back pocket. OP commented, no moral constraints at all. The only things that exist are you and an unlimited number of kindergartners coming at you. Okay, buddy. Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. He's like, actually, just don't, just don't feel bad about it. Someone said, why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of picking one up as a weapon? I did think about that. This would be an extreme waste of energy. Picking up and lugging around an extra 50 pounds plus. We all think that. Okay, we got to know. Do kindergartners. We need to do a poll. Okay, everyone in the comments, everyone in the comments, comment how much you think a kindergartner weighs. They're all going to say 50 pounds now. Don't cheat. Here's how I arrived there though. I was kind of a larger like second grader. I remember having that as the moment that I was like, oh, am I the chubby kid? And I think I was like 89 to 90 pounds in second grade. So I was like, okay, so what would be like normal for a kid? I'm guessing like maybe 70. And then, okay, so that's two years prior. I'm going to say 50 pounds. So just, I don't know. Sorry. Just using kicks or punches would do the same thing and conserve way more energy. 6,000 upvotes. Someone said, every fifth and 10th wave, there's a third grader boss to assist them. I love that. Someone said, I've got a huge advantage and a huge, and a huge, I'm a big guy. That comes with strength, but a lack of cardio capability. I'd need to destroy each wave fast so I could have a small breather between waves. So is it allowed to just drop onto the five children like full on fall? I reckon I could spark three out and kill two with each fall. Spark three out? As long as they line up nicely on the spawn. Being bigger, it'd take more to pin me too. But there isn't an infinite number that I could beat. Maybe 15 to 20 pounds or 20 waves. After wave 10, I'd be getting tired and I reckon it'd take 25 kids to effectively pin me. So 15 slash 20 waves survived. Okay, I think people really underestimate this shit because have you ever heard about when people are like, oh, you think boxing is easy? It's like, box for 60 seconds and you are dying on the mat. It is so exhausting. For a guy to think he could do 15 waves, I'm like, that's absurd. That is silly. That is simply silly. Has he not seen weapons? Yeah. No, truly. That's what I'm imagining. Okay, let's, these are weapons children. Okay. They said no weapons. No weapons, but the children are weapons. No, unlimited games, no bacon. But no, these kids are coming for you and they're going to rip your face off. Yeah. I also think people underestimate how much it takes to get really knocked out. Like, yes, in a boxing match, if you get hit just right, they're like, oh, it's a total knockout, whatever. But like, these kids have to be unconscious. I think they're thinking of like, I kick this one and it's down. I kick, this one is down. No. Nope. Yeah. You're going to have a lot more. Lastly, someone said, I would say max three minutes before I am too tired. So 25 to 30. Jesus. Someone said, finally, a realistic answer. No, the realistic answer is, it's probably, it's probably over immediately. Because 30 seconds, after 30 seconds, another five enter. That's insane. Whether you've defeated them or not. So even if you've defeated a couple of children, even if you've knocked out a couple of the kids, more come in after 30 seconds. So you're not, you're not succeeding If they try to sort of like, keep away from you, which is another horrible situation, for like, I don't know, three minutes to build up their ranks and then they go for it, you're lost. Also, the big guy's like, oh, if I just fall on them, it's like, falling on them as soon as you knock them out. He's thinking like, some cartoon logic. Yeah. He's like, these aren't Goombas. Tweety birds around their head. Yeah. Like, you got me. Anyways. I don't like that we had to think about that. I don't like it either. I much prefer thinking about how many men it would take to fight a gorilla. I hated, I hated thinking about that. I didn't think about that when I was Chuck E. Cheese and they were kicking me in the shin at all. Then you had reason. That's self-defense. This does remind me though, there's a subreddit that is my favorite subreddit right now and it has been popping off and it's called Power Scaling. And all they do is they pit fictional characters against each other. They go, Superman versus Omni-Man and people are like, Superman would fucking crush him. And it's just a ton of that, right? They're like, oh, you know, Black Widow versus some other person like who would win the fight. And they're constantly doing this and it's really fun to debate this, especially when they get really niche. I have one that I really want to post but I don't have a Reddit account. But I'm like, okay, think about this Power Scaling. There is an evil dictator who gets to have one guest come and stay with them for a week and you get to send a fictional character who you think would do the best chance of swaying them to good. And I'm like, okay, so it's Ted Lasso versus Paddington versus Spongebob versus who would you send that could actually sway an evil emperor or king or something. and I'm like that's the type of power scaling I want like who's the most powerful of like positive sway and it's like Paddington's gotta be up there but I'm like who else fits that bill you know anyways comment down below I like that a lot though this is my power scaling predicament who is the most like positive influence you think Paddington would sway a dictator tell me Paddington 4 won't be like oh this evil emperor of this nation it's like oh Paddington you were invited to go stay with him for a week and he's like oh dear I don't know what to do he's Paul McCartney to me he goes and then the evil dictator's like what's this little bear and then he like after a while he's like you know what I'm a bad guy Jesus Christ I mean he's already been to jail he's already been through the jungles of Peru I mean this is all this is a classic Paddington storyline but also Ted Lasso you know it's like maybe he would also like he'd give him like a because he's a sports guy you know I'm trying to think of other characters that fit that trope you know what I mean can there be coercion as opposed to persuasion sure like Yagami oh that's a crazy one but he's also evil sure well didn't say that he's just got to change his mind like it's his goal for the day for whatever reason yeah okay fair I said Ian Hecox yeah that was a good one no there was a good one recently where it was Dexter versus Hannibal and everyone was like oh dude Hannibal walks Dexter and I didn't realize like people rank this shit and they're like if you look because he gets in your mind they go based on the lore and the feats of like what Hannibal has done versus Dexter it's fun I love when it gets out of sight of superhero territory our next advice comes from advice posted in May of 2023 on r slash advice they write boner after bee sting never been sicker bee sting after boner Jesus Christ yesterday I traveled to another country after I arrived I did some work and in the evening as I was heading to my hotel somehow a bee got under my shirt and I got stung a few inches under the belly button it was very painful and the area got swollen weird thing is I got a huge boner right away last night I thought it would go away if I sleep it off but to my horror it's still there as I woke up thought it might be morning wood but nope that fucker is raging I tried everything I'm in another country and I have to go out now to do things as scheduled and I'll have to deal with the embarrassment because I give up I just need someone to assure me I'm not going to die and it will go away someday this is those commercials like back in the day they had those like Cialis commercials yeah if you have an erection lasting longer than five hours like seek a doctor yeah that is because I'm just like I'm just scientifically here like the and I know it's graphic but sorry the blood that is in there that is giving you like the boner is like after four hours it's not like circulating it's starting to like rot like it's not because this is in the pit oh really I haven't seen this this was an episode of the pit they have a guy come in with a boner and they the pit shows the full boner do they have to like they have to drain it they have to drain it not kidding they fucking show it yeah they show that's a real thing that's a real thing they show that shit anyways it's going down in the pit it's really going down in the pit once they drain it once they drain it um yeah yeah look I mean okay so he got I love how he says he's like I did everything it's like everything everything um I would add a crazy I know I mean we're getting we're getting crazy come on man where was he Columbia he just said it out of the he didn't say anything he didn't say where he was that's crazy I don't know why I thought he said he was like in Peru he just said he was in another country they got those dick bees there huh also I want to say that I thought the title was boner after bee sting bee sting oh like when you're all done with your feasts after watching Mr. Beast yeah so I was like what's bee sting okay yeah bee sting um comments if you have an erection for four hours or longer you need to seek emergency medical care immediately hope your wiener doesn't fall off yeah my god it might dude so he was he was just living with that thing for like over a day he went to bed and he woke up and he still had a boner so not good not good what he can laugh well if you let it let it sit there for too long it does form its own consciousness and a face and it's like it's like hello good morning David hello there is this Cockney take me to a urinal he would be Cockney huh he would be Cockney no hey damn damn all right someone said this is an actual medical emergency if true the blood in your penis is going to run out of oxygen which starves your penis tissues it can cause permanent scarring and irreversible erectile dysfunction if left for four to six hours if left longer it can actually cause total loss of function due to the damage it doesn't matter what caused it the end result is the same if left untreated please go to the emergency room it sounds like this bee used horn attack on him nice nice nice dude nice OP responded that saying good news after 18 hours it's finally back to normal it's only just extremely purple now yeah it's just really fucked up very bold thing to just ride out someone said this has real tube slash cylinder energy that is a that is a deep reddit call out that we'll have to explain some other time yeah I don't have that elite ball now knowledge cylinder shaped just cylinder shaped anyways someone said well you should just rename it to your penis yeah I gotta be so real I was thinking it you were thinking penis you've thrown out penis as a word before I think so update does it work still they're a bee now someone said yeah this new version of spider-man is fucked yeah bee penis update I already got a DM asking me what type of bee and where exactly was the sting to replicate it I'm not going to tell you buddy people die from bee stings edit number two okay it's gone thank you for the support edit number three I don't have picture proof you sick fox alright so I guess they're fine I guess their penis survived their penis their penis yeah well I guess we all learned a valuable lesson today huh folks yeah I gotta find out what country that is and go go there those bees just have it out go to another country get arrested no it was a bee I'm looking for bees a bee did this like that was a protected bee and now you are officially a member of their hive and now we have to arrest you final story okay this was posted in a need advice in January of 2020 found injured pigeon and housed it now it can fly again and it's flying in my house what should I do it couldn't fly and now it's literally flying around my house I'm scared it's gonna fly on me who do I call or what do I do you pick a god and thank them you have a pigeon now you have a pigeon now give it a message the only way it will leave is if you give it a message and a destination I like that their problem is like help this bird is doing bird things yeah I didn't know it could do that I found it it was fucked up and I tried to fix it and then I did what do I do I thought birds weren't real conspiracy I thought birds comments open all the doors and windows to outside what if a bunch of other pigeons fly in yeah yes that's how they get you then it becomes a pigeon party yeah and you don't want that someone said check out if there's a pigeon and dove friendly rescue near you they do exist believe it or not they can help and get your feathery new friend to a safe place lastly someone said open your door and put food outside OP said like let it go outside now someone responded yes it's healed it wants to go back outside yeah what does he expect what does he what does he want yeah that's what I'm wondering I'm saying like they're like I'm gonna fix this pigeon that can't you know do anything okay it's fixed now what do I do I'm like let it go or adopt it yeah I mean look that one obviously grew up elsewhere but pigeons in general were domesticated by humans and that's why it's so sad that they just sort of like chill on the streets and are like we don't know what to do it's cause they're not meant for that so you know most of my for you page is just birds in general but a lot of it is just like pet pigeons or rescue pigeons and things like that and I love it thank you algorithm but yeah dude damn you should have had a step two to your plan really should have thought this through I mean a good you did a good deed but you should have assumed that the bird was gonna fly what if it flies on me I don't know let it do I don't know it's a pigeon yeah right we have a little update it's just a couple edits they go edit thanks everyone I let it go it walked around for a minute then flew away if I could figure out how to post a picture here I will it was a pretty bird it had purple and bluish green on it so they're learning how photos work too they're also learning what a pigeon is like is it gray with some bluish and green yeah yeah yeah I think I've seen a pigeon that looks like that that matches that description exactly I've seen this one for sure it had feathers yeah edit number two fuck the asshole who thinks I'm helpless I was wondering at first if I should call an animal habitat place I wasn't sure if it was all the way healed but it did well once my friend put it outside I have no idea I have muscular dystrophy and can't open my windows because it's very hard and I live alone let alone push all the screens out because I I can't bend down to retrieve them. My friend came over and got them out for me. Besides my physical disability, I am perfectly fine. That one's on me. I mean, I guess I had assumed not, I didn't realize the OP had muscular dystrophy and couldn't do the things that we were saying. Well, we didn't know, yeah, we literally didn't know. We didn't know that. We didn't know. I'm curious how long this person was rehabbing this pigeon. Like, 45 minutes. Because it's like, yeah, these things will happen sometimes. Like, a bird will get injured. I had a friend that these seagulls made a nest in their chimney and then the baby seagulls dropped down into their fireplace. There was no fire. But it was like, what do we do with these birds? Right. And you immediately call around, see if you have a local rehabber or if your city has, what do you call it, animal control. Um, and, and yeah, they showed up and they, and they took them. Yeah. But, but it's, it almost, this person's making it sound like they were like rehabbing this pigeon themselves for a while and then was like, what should I do after several days? Yeah, I, I also think, you know, I know they're looking for advice, but I, I think this could be a lesson in clear communication. Because when it did, like, frankly, the beginning of the post did sound helpless where it's like, a bird is flying. What if it flies on me? It's like, homie, I don't know. But now that it's like, I have muscular dystrophy and I've raised this pigeon so that it can fly again, I'm not sure what the next step is. Is it appropriate to let it outside? Or should I call in animal control? I would also have difficulty grabbing the pigeon. Like. It's like, all right, thank you for the information. That's important. It's like, oh, well, let it walk outside. It's like, oh, I'm actually living on a boat and I'm in the middle of the ocean. It's like, oh, well, you know, that's good information to have. You know, like, we kind of need that. If you're seeking advice, you should really give us the details. Yeah. Um, ultimately this is, this is a silly conundrum to have, but I also understand that when you have a bird in your house that is very intense, that feels like a lot, right? I think it's an unexpected bird. Unexpected bird, but they, they had the bird, they brought the bird inside and then it became a thing. Also thing to know, a lot of these wild birds, they got these like mites on them and you let, you let those into your house. Yeah. And then you could have yourself a problem. I had a bird mite infestation and that required me to be out of my living space for a while while it was fumigated. Yeah. And it's the saddest thing in the world because I, uh, yeah, actually sadder than everything is what I mean to say, um, is, uh, I, there was like a bird nest that would be outside of one of my windows, like all the time. And it was like from, you know, these birds laying eggs there and having babies recently, I noticed some like birds scoping out the same area and I had to like completely bird proof that area, which was the most like heartbreaking thing to me. Cause I'm like, I've loved watching. These baby birds grow up every year. Like it happened every year. And I'm just like, Oh, you set up a little house on a tree. Maybe next, as long as they're distant. Yeah. So I don't know if, I don't know if those birds like to nest in bird houses. Yeah. It's just something to keep in mind. It's birds got mites and like you said, like, didn't they have to like heat your place up? Like to a certain degree. Yeah. They were like, we got to cook every living thing in your place. So we're going to, it's going to be like 150 degrees in here. So you, you gotta be out. And then you get a bunch of Swedish guys chilling in there. Cause it's like a sauna. Yeah. They're like, they're just there with towels suddenly. And you just, it just happens. Get out of here. Get out of here. It's truly sound advice that no matter how good your intentions are to be very smart about bringing a wild animal into your home. Yeah. No matter what. Yeah. And I think, and I think like with rehabbing animals, like oftentimes, like they don't even want you to bring them in. Like you're not even supposed to bring them inside. I think that like for a lot of animals, they say like you get like a shoe box and you kind of like lightly cover it or something for like birds. Maybe pause on my phone. Yeah. A shoe box and like a little t-shirt in there and some like scraps. Yeah. Yeah. But, but like I, you shouldn't bring a wild animal. Be careful bringing things inside. Yeah. Don't bring a wild animal into your house. Yeah. Like, oh, I got this cute doggy and it's a coyote. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But look OP in this situation, OP did, it sounds like they helped save a pigeon. They did a great thing. It's very nice. And what I love about this post too, is the fact that they don't have photos. It feels more legit in a way, because every time you see a video where it's like, I helped this bird that was in a vat of acid and there's like footage of it floating there in the vat of acid. I'm like, go get it, go get it. Like, why are you filming? And it's always so weird watching those moments where you're like, what is the deal here? Is this in any way staged? What did you do? Right. The fact that they're like, I found it. There was no time to take photos. I don't even know how to do it. Yeah. Great. Good. I'm too busy saving them. Saving a life. Yeah. All right. Well, that's it. That's all our stories. Wow. Dude. I feel like we really changed people's lives with our advice today. I'd say probably 10 for kindergartners. Yeah. I would get them to turn on each other. Ooh, psychologically mess with their heads. Yes. That's true. You got to use that degree. Psychology, that's what it's for. We had a class on that. Anyways, thank you both for being here and giving some solid advice. Hey. Hey. No worries. You're welcome. Yeah. You're welcome. If you ever are worried about anything or something's rough at home, you know you can always talk to us. That's right. We're your counselors. Thank you, counselors. We love you. OK. I'd take it or leave it. Oh, right. OK. I respect both of you, in a way. You know, community college is weird, by the way. Yeah. I don't even go here, man. I'm not going to make that joke. Jesus. All right. Thank you both for being here, and thank you for watching. Hey, look, you can take or leave our advice. You don't have to. It's up to you. But do comment down below my power scaling dilemma, because I'm curious. Who is the greatest positive influence? Fictional character. Fictional. Mr. Rogers. That's real. It's got to be fictional. It's got to be a fictional. Mr. Rogers. All right. And also, how much do you think a kindergartner weighs? All right. We'll see you next Saturday. Bye. Enjoy your pancakes. That's what we say here.