113. T.J. Miller, Brendan Sagalow, Chloe La Branche | The Bathroom

"It's everywhere I go. I can't escape it. Ads. Ads everywhere. Trying to sell me something new every day. But it's not the product that's the problem. It's the time, time, time, time. Time I'll never get back. Listening to Zippercrooter and me undies ads. I'm not crazy. I've done the math. By the time you die you will have spent an entire year and a half just watching ads. "They stole my time. Now I'm going to have my revenge. We have to end this broken system haunted by the remnants of what it couldn't be. But as my plan was coming together, I spotted it. A slightly cheaper alternative to building a time machine to end capitalism." "GasDigital.com. With all your favorite podcasts at free and uncensored, finally I can listen to all my favorite shows without getting interrupted by Shopify or better help. So I guess my plans can wait. Subscribe to gasdigital.com for thousands of uncensored and ad-free shows featuring your favorite comics. And save your plans for another day." Before we start today's show, you should know that me and Jay are always on the road coming to a city near you. If you guys want to check me out this week and I will be in Rochester, New York at Comedy at the Carlson, October 2nd and 3rd. After that, October 10th, I'm at the Brookridge in Belmore, Long Island. After that, I'm in North Charleston, South Carolina at Witson, Comedy, Lown, October 22nd through 24th. And you can check out Story Wars Live in Los Angeles. Just very few tickets left for November 4th and 5th at the Comedy Store. For main room in Los Angeles, very special guests, those tickets will sell out. So go to Lewisofskanks.com and grab those tickets today. Go to bigjcomedy.com for dates to all my shows, the greatest yet for a lot of tour happening right now coming to a city near you this weekend, Cleveland, Holarides, followed by Seattle, Washington, Emerald City Comedy Club, first time there, very new club. Denver, Colorado Comedy Works, after that, Rochester, New York, Austin, Texas, Brea, California for the first time in a long time. Get your tickets right now for all those shows, bigjcomedy.com. Let's start this bitch. We're listening to the gas digital network. The Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Give it up for the Story Warriors, Big J. Olkerson and Lewis. James Goldman. Oh, what is up, Story Warriors? Make some fucking noise, New York, would you please? The Story Warriors have come back to the New York Comedy Club. Sold out thousands of people in the crowd clapping up at this massive audience. We actually broke a record. We got the Guinness Book of Records for the most people in a comedy club ever. Guinness could make it tonight to give us our record, but we thought it. It's okay. It's Austin, Shane, and Nate. Yeah, we did it. The three of us. Soon, Berk Christcher. How many people here are familiar with the Game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the Game Story Wars? Everybody, get the fuck out, dude. We want no new fans. We need to make room for an old fan out there. What an ass. Well, we'll explain it to him and the others who don't know what the game is. Once we get our amazing panel of contestants up here, you guys ready to meet your contestants? Our first contestant has a podcast called "Sag daddy to pod." You might know also his podcast "Fart Carnival" available on Guest Digital. And his YouTube special "Thin Lips" makes him noise for the "0 and 4" on story wars. Oh, and four. The people love you. The people love you. Brett and Zagalo, "0 and 4" also your penis measurement as we learn how to make a Guinness Book of Records podcast. Oh, and three now. Brett, you've lost four separate times on this show. This has got to be a victory or we might not be able to invite you back after today. This is actually, I'm playing a long game here. That's what makes it because this is a game about deceiving, lying, being truthful, sometimes maybe lying a little bit more. So I am playing a long game of losing constantly so you guys think I'm more of an underdog. We put our guard down. I like that. There is a funny thing that one of our friends could do to us where it's like they just make a decision for the next three months. I'm going to fill these guys full of lies about me and then come in and really dominate the game. That's true. They really should try that. This first story, I have the biggest dick out of all of my friends. Yeah, that's not true. Our next good competitor, we never measured ours. Making her story wars debut. She got an amazing podcast called News for Women. Put your hands together for Chloe LeBridge. Chloe, happy to have you on the show. Looking pretty toy. Thanks. You really rolled a dice a thousand times. You come up Lewis, dude. You come up Lewis every fucking time. There was a hot girl walk by us in the hallway and me and Jay both noticed her. And Jay was just went kind of gave her like a look to me and then I was just like, oh yeah verbally out loud to her. I said that's different between us. That is we are the same person. But where the white and Puerto Rican diverge is that I look casually and slightly and give a friend a little like. And he goes, mama, mama, see that mama. Oh my, did an angel just fall from heaven? Did I say that out loud? Lastly, our final contestant, Lesb and not least, with a record of 0 and 2 on story wars. He has a YouTube special, the philosophy circus right now. You know him from a thousand things. It is the hilarious TJ Miller. TJ, this is part of your redemption arc. Last time you were on the show, you left halfway through for no reason at all. Now they were refusing to read my stories because they're too easy to guess. So yes, I am back and I'm giving it a shot, a second chance. Thank you. Thank you. He walked out on the last episode. Yeah, we had like three stories left and he just left. It's a complete fuck of the game because now the scores don't make any sense. Have you ever threatened to not bring him back? Yeah, behind his back. Yeah, not his face. We never came and went through with it off. I think I'm pretty sure we made a decision that him and Adrian Apollucci would never be on the show again. You guys are on the blacklist. Welcome from the blacklist of story wars. He's banned. You guys most wanted. Welcome, TJ. Thank you for being here. This is going to be a fun game. I feel it. If you're not familiar with the game's story wars, your first time listening at home. It's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject. The bathroom. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] Alex, our lovely producer. I was going to take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time. They will appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess who's story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So what is your story of an opportunity to get four points to not squander that opportunity? You can have one story in a row, two stories in a row, three stories in a row. It's all genuinely randomized, the way Alex pulls the stories. Once you tap the name on the tablet and slide it over. You have to slide it over to lock it in. That means your answer is locked in. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, this is so much fun. You guys have played the game before. Chloe, you've never played it. It is a ton of fun. New guy. You're going to have a lot of fun. Guess what? It's going to be so much fun. The most fun podcast you'll ever go to. It's going to blow your fucking mind, dude. [laughter] But guess what, sir? We're not playing for fun. Jay, let him know we're playing for today. Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for-- Is it that book? Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughter] Is it the book? [laughter] I thought it was the book. Tonight's winner will take home Indian cooking without fat. Bye. [cheers and applause] Bye, Merduu, housey car. Finally. Craving Indian food, but don't want to overdo it. Indian cooking without fat is your answer. The cookbook reworks traditional favorites like curries. Tandori dishes. Dolls. And Biryani. You can't do a karma without fat, by the way. [laughter] Oh, that's a fucking Mardula Beljecar. (laughing) They tell you to cut back oil, butter, and ghee normally associated with those dishes, while we're lying on spices, herbs, and other ingredients to keep the flavor. (clapping) You can eat a dry. You can eat it in one section, you can eat it dry, just out of the sack. Straight out of the sack. Yeah, you just eat the dried sort of lentils and that. Well, dude, spoiler alert. Let them read the book. Oh, my bad. All right. I think everybody who's gonna get it gets it. And if you don't, you'll pick it up along the way. But is this crowd ready for war? (cheering) Come on, New York comedy club. It's the week of 9/11. Are you ready for war? (cheering) They took down the towers. They took down the towers. (laughing) I love it. And they control the weather. Can you believe that? Both. That'll be edited from the YouTube version. Alex, if you would please, story number one. (dramatic music) This is so great. (laughing) I love that. Are you ready to go to war? (laughing) Yeah! (laughing) Story number one. When I was potty training, I ran to the bathroom because I felt a poopie coming. I sat down, but nothing came out, and I was really for a lawn. Until on the walk back to the TV room, when I saw the poopie on the carpet, my mom wasn't mad or anything. I hate this. That's funny. Why? 'Cause I just immediately thought it was you. I would never say the word for lore. You seem like a total, for lore, and they would have a poopie-shock thing. I mean, the same thing. Yeah. No, this is not me. I couldn't, I'm actually insulted that you would think that. Well, then put that times, too, 'cause I thought I was here right away. Immediately. Yeah, I mean, this is a long, weird story. TJ's both long and weird. Sure. So I'm getting confused. Could you talk about, like, dick-less. Yeah, you have a long, weird dick, but long. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting, okay, Miller vibes on this story. Could that last sentence be, maybe, a trick sentence? Like, my mom wasn't mad 'cause she was on heroin? Okay. That's true. My mom was never mad, 'cause I was just- Possibly dead already. She did, she was, oh, maybe it's just a little bit of poop. (laughs) Who is does say poopie? Poopie's a crazy woman, yes. Oh, baby, go poopie, enjoy. I feel like Lewis, you don't say mom, though, you'd say, like, "Bitch." (laughs) Yeah, or her first name. Well, this could be you because you, I feel like you've recently learned how to read and spell and forlorn is a- I don't think Lewis says forlorn, for the- For no other reason- We can't be learning yet. And let me say, I will right now guarantee you, please. This is not Lewis. Love it, because the word forlorn symbol. Yeah. (audience laughs) I also don't think it's Lewis 'cause I don't think your parents' potty trained you. Do you be honest with you guys, I'm still my potty trained. (laughs) Yeah, I would move remembers their potty training. That's a crazy thing to even remember. T.J. Miller? Yeah, genius, like, T.J. A genius, like, T.J. No, remember, T.J. Miller. (audience laughs) I think it comes down to poopie. I think I know, I'm gonna go. Sackle-o. It's true, yeah. I don't know, I mean, I know for a fact it's not Lewis. You do, oh, 'cause it's forlorn. I think it could be a big word. It's really, yeah. Slammed on the forlorn. Forlorn's not even a big word. You guys are fucking retards, but thinking forlorn's a big, crazy word. What is forlorn? It's gonna make you forlorn. It's not retards. Is that retarded? Oh, fuck. Uh-huh. T.J. No, no. Yeah. I was gonna say, I was wearing a seven-minute joke was right there. Yeah, no, I almost said my name to be honest. I kind of was like, that's a little too easy, but not swung. (laughs) Yeah, no, I don't think, what does forlorn mean? I don't know. I have no idea what it means. I actually don't know. That's why this can't be me. I don't know what that means. Now this could be branded. But hold on. I don't know if I would use forlorn ever. So I gotta, let me look. I think I do know what it means. But I gotta read the content. I felt a poopy coming. I sat down. But nothing came out. And I was really forlorn. One time I auditioned for Saturday night. What time I auditioned for Saturday night live forlorn? (laughs) Yes. (applause) Yes. It's good. Oh, that's a reason to go to war. (laughs) Chloe, this is a cute story. You're a cute chick. This seems like kind of like gay. And also she can be throwing us a curveball 'cause women don't talk about pooping. And we've seen this multiple times on story wars when we don't think it's a bitch. It's a bitch. (laughter) Was your mom a pillhead that didn't care if you did shit your pants? (laughter) No. My mom just, uh, this definitely wasn't me. My mom didn't really raise me, so. Oh, okay. (laughter) There you go. I couldn't. This could have been me. I was like, "I'm not gonna talk to you." I was like, "I'm not gonna talk to you." I was like, "I'm not gonna talk to you." This could be TJ trying to write a normal story, but it's still weird. Do you get points on instinct, homo? I don't know, because look, it can be Chloe, because this sounds like something to go and say. My mom doesn't matter anything. But then it also sounds like TJ, because this is something you would say as a kind of a kidding kind of thing. Fuck, I think it's Brandon now. TJ it is. Shit. They've decided over. I thought it was Brandon. Do you guys ever have to take this to the Genius Bar, and they're like, "What the fuck are you doing?" Chloe votes for TJ. Why TJ, Chloe? Just 'cause I feel like you're the only one who's using forlorn and poopy in the same story. Also, the kind of mind that, I feel like TJ's one of those guys who remembers his birth kind of. Yeah. TJ. You know what I mean? He's like, "No, I remember there was like a light, and then I was like scared, and there was this guy with a mask." I was disappointed in the doctor. Yeah, the doctor was Indian. I hate that. Actually, I loved that. And he was cooking without fat. And that's why now. That's why now you can only come if you're spanked by an Indian. That's true. TJ locks in Brendan Sagalo. Is there a reason? I think he's just the type of dude who knows what the word "forlorn" means. I do not. You're a fool. All right. We have all of our answers locked in. Alex, whose story was story number one? Story number one belongs to. TJ, no, that's not true. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. I didn't write. I don't even know what the fuck "forlorn" means. Alex, that's not true. TJ, you remember pie training? It's not true, Lewis. That's not my story. This is going to be harder than I thought. You know, if TJ leaves again, I'll respect it this time. I think that's why Alex will come to the story out first, because she was like, "All right, let's get a TJ story out so he doesn't leave." Is there any more context here, TJ? It was the first thing I thought of, I guess almost literally, when Alex said bathroom. So I just put that together. And I really, as I wrote the word "forlorn," I was like, am I going to be giving myself away with sort of my speech in vocabulary? I was like, "No, it's, you know, anybody talks like that." Me and Lewis should have learned. I was gravely in error. It was incorrect. Nobody writes forlorn and poopy in the same paragraph. You know what? Except for me, TJ Miller. Yeah, I'll tell you what. This is a little bit on Alex. There's a little bit on Alex for not changing forlorn to sad. Yeah, sad. Alex, come on. Make some moves. Pay attention. What do you-- Look what I've got there. Alex, where are scores at? One story down. All right, tied for first place with two points. Each Lewis J. Gomez, big J. Oakerson, Brendan Sagalo, and Chloe LeBranche. [APPLAUSE] And can you skip over the one that says, "Ciraptitious"? [LAUGHTER] Just move past that one. If you're going to do that one, don't do that one. Move to the next one after that. It says, "Duty Pants and Sereptitious." Alex, do the little story number two. to. Story number two. In middle school I drew a giant iron cross on the bathroom wall and I got suspended because my teachers thought I was a Nazi. Lewis, if it was me I would say my teachers knew I was a Nazi. Wait, just could quietly be Chloe Lebrance. That was my first thought. Yeah, yeah. My first thought was that I could see her being like, "So what if I'm a Nazi?" Yeah, because Lewis, Lewis getting suspended for being a Nazi, he had to get years and years of strange, not Hispanic racism in there was life for anyone that gets to the point of calling them a Nazi and print or verbally. This is too young for this behavior. This is something that a fucking. It also was Sherry and White girl named Chloe Lebrance. I'm not even Aryan. This is the most Aryan looking guy here. This guy's Aryan. Dude, you really are a fucking poster over Hitler's teenage bed. What a weird moment. You look like a fucking Aryan. And you're an Aryan. And she has moved on in the two of us. I guess Hitler would have been herated. Yeah, I look like fucking Anne Frank over here. I'm tired. All right, you know what? Now that you say it, I see Anne Frank more than I do Nazi. I apologize, I take it back. Okay, yeah. Back to Lewis. This was definitely not in my diary. This is a doodle way. Lewis sometimes throws a story up and it's so him. It's that it's like him. Jay is a doodler. I'm a doodler as well. Stackle, do you doodle? No. No, I'll draw like little cartoons and stuff. I'm not drawing an Aryan cross. I mean, I will tell you right now, to this day I doodle swastikas like all over the place. And I don't know. An Aryan cross is so metal. Say it, say it, say it more. Swastika is a fun shape. I'll say I'll say it till the day other shape is a sign of evil. No, it's a sign of peace in the Buddhist religion. The other direction. Yeah. How many times you've been suspended or expelled or anything? I mean, I was kicked out of school suspended in school. Full kicked out? Yeah, I was kicked. You just switched schools. Lewis said, hey, maybe read my book, you fucking bad friend. No. Bad friend. Yes, full kicked out for a year. They sent me to the PM school program. But it was for, it was literally for doodling on my arms, but it was not Nazi imagery. It was just like fun shapes. Swastika is a dex. Sure. I would have drawn my mind. They kicked me out of school for doodling nothing on your arm. I would, I wasn't paying attention. It may have been the first two lines of my income. And they were long. Yeah. TJ, are you, are you, are you a doodler, TJ? Did I do it all? You doodle. No, I don't really like drawing and stuff like that. Like writing. But if you did draw, would it be Nazi imagery? Yeah. Like, yeah, exclusively. Okay. All right. All right. I may have voted too early then. Never, never, ever a, a Swastika only the iron cross. Yeah. That's fair. It's good because it could be Nazi or it could be West Coast choppers. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. Who knows? Am I murder cycling with my heavy metal bodies? As a fat kid who shopped it exclusively at big and tall, a West Coast chopper shirt was sometimes the most stylish thing we're going to get. So I rocked iron as a Jew, rocked iron cross a lot. As long as it's in West Coast choppers in it. Goal. Jay, he's showing his ass right now. Jay's a doodler. He worn iron cross. I've never been more sure as Lewis in my life. Both for me if you want because by all means, give me the points. Let me jump ahead. You've been accused of being a Nazi by multiple publications. It's insane. I'm Jewish. My grandmother died fighting that fucking deal. DL fugly called you a Nazi on the internet recently. Oh, well, he does wear a Django hat. So he probably knows stuff. Big J. Hookerson is the only answer here. Oh boy. This is what he does when it's him, by the way. This is what it does when it's him. Sackle, do you think yours? I think loads. It could be Sackle. Sackle is a fucking little, a little. What do you mean? I think it could be me. I've never been suspended from a show. So we want it to be like a dark horse. This could be me. One of the two of them. It's not gonna be one of them. It's absolutely could be me. One at a time. Who knows what the Iron Cross is in middle school? Westco shoppers. Fat shirts. Three XT shirts is what? Who knows that? Brendan Sackleau. Chloe, what are you thinking? Did you know Rockaway or May Jeans? In my size? I see Chloe thinking right now. What's going on, Chloe? I thought maybe it could be Sackleau. Because I feel like a lot of things you think you're doing something one way. And it's always kind of what you mean. I don't know. I feel like a lot of accidents happen to you. Like, you could be clumsy. You know, in your area. Tonight, it's a real learning experience. Like, I could see you drawing an Iron Cross. But that is just a pretty thing. And then it was actually a swastika. Oh, interesting. Because you were like, no, I thought it was a problem. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could see this happening. And then you also were really into like punk rock and stuff. Is the Iron Cross punk rock? I don't know. You tell me. I can't believe it. I didn't know what a Westco shoppers. It's definitely Westco shoppers. If you're talking about a three XT shirt for sure. But it's true. You look so mean. It was like the independent skate trucks logo for a little bit. Oh, fuck. Shit. Oh, it's way bigger. Fuck, dude. The cock sucker. This guy was a skate and queen. And I can see it coming. Oh, I see it. Oh, I see it. Oh, I see it as the freestyle rapper. I don't see the skater. A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. But that, but it's not me. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Never mind. It should be there. And it's not me. Yeah. Then I believe him. I'm going to do Lewis. Now, Chloe, Chloe, don't walk that in. I'm going to play it right now. Chloe, you're going to fuck it up. Or what? You won't hit on me again tonight. Please. Oh. Oh. No. Fight. You are exposed. You are exposed. Oh, you just got not fucked by Lewis, bitch. You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to not fucking Lewis with that attitude. Also, a one-way ticket to not going to CityMD tomorrow. [LAUGHTER] Ah, nice. Chloe, you can get playing B at Walgreens. [LAUGHTER] Uh, okay. It's too real. No. Man, you know who the fucking beef's shaking their head at all this? Fucking Medulla Balsicar. [LAUGHTER] All right. You have to tap the name first and then slide it over to me. I would like to say Brendan. Wow. Brendan Sagalo. What? You are so stupid. [LAUGHTER] I get that a lot. You're the stupidest person in the world. I know. I think TJ Boats Brendan as well. You guys are both stupid idiots. And I feel like one. [LAUGHTER] You happy? Right now, I feel like one. I didn't draw an iron cross and think an accidently. Yeah. You had a dry swastika. What do you even said? Oh, I guess that wasn't excellent. Oh, did I fuck up? Who'd you go for? I went for you. All of her answers are in. I feel like she's got all of them. Who's story with story number two? Story number two belongs to Brendan Sagalo. [CHEERING] You fools. She knew it. And I almost got away with it, too. [LAUGHTER] That's top. I like the lies. He said, I've never been suspended for school. I've been suspended so many times. When he said the independent thing, I knew we fucked up. I knew I fucked it up. I was like, I was like, put out a red herring a little bit. That I kind of know about this. So tell us the story. Give us some more content. Well, it was the independent truck company and also choppers. West Coast choppers. West Coast choppers. All the fat kids were wearing it. Showed out fucking Biggest Hall. And the principal was like, that's Nazi stuff. So nobody can wear it. And I took it upon myself to praise the Nazis. And I-- So he told-- he made you aware that it was Nazi imagery. And you were like, fuck this. I'm still drawing it. Yeah, but not for it. I didn't-- it wasn't for the not-- [LAUGHTER] I'm fucking a Nazi man. [LAUGHTER] I did it because I was a little fucking pig, like little-- [LAUGHTER] You know, I was a little brat. And I really-- You know, look, man, he did get the trains running on time. And a lot of people-- a lot of people don't mention that. They bring all the bad stuff. Great painter. Fancy. Can I tell you something? As a Jew, this pains me to say. Fucking fantastic artist. The guys' paintings are-- [APPLAUSE] --he should just be an artist. Yeah. Hitler. Have you ever seen his paintings? He's fantastic. Holy whatever I walk anywhere in my apartment. Yes, I see his paintings. [LAUGHTER] What, you ruined your fortune on? [LAUGHTER] You're just squandered. So what they say every day, I'm more and more inspiring to them. Your wife never stops saying, stop buying Hitler art. You're ruining us. I like he was so prolific. He's got so many cityscapes. And we have no windows. We've downsized to a smaller apartment, so I can afford more Hitler paintings or a partisan. 93% Hitler art. - It's practically fucking wallpaper at this one. And I love it! - Brendan, how long were you suspended for? - A week for that one. - A full week! - A full week for that one. - That's crazy. - You're parents, why'd you have your parents, were they like this is stupid because you're not an Aussie? - Uh, I think they were like, finally, somebody recognized him, finally spread the word, young Brendan. (laughing) - Brendan. - I think they were pissed, but then we went to like Roy Rogers that night, and everybody forgot about it. - Can I say something, Roy Rogers, what happened? - It became Wendy's. - At one point, they were fantastic roast beef sandwiches with a fixing bar that would make you so happy. - Yeah. - And then, yeah. - The next moment. - Yeah, hey, new guy. - You knew him. - And then one day, one day it just became truck stop garbage. - Yeah. - Anti-Semitic, yeah. - Yeah, all the bathrooms were covered in swastikas, they lost the funding. - Oh, free Palestine all over the body. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, cut it out. Alex, where are our points at? - Tied with two points each. Louis J. Gomez, Big J. Ogerson, and T.J. Miller. - Right. (cheering and applause) - And tied for first place with four points each, Brendan Sagalo, and Chloe LeBranche. (cheering and applause) - Okay, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank GLD for supporting the show. We love GLD. - You deserve a nice piece of bling. If you're watching this show, you probably need it. You're a dirty son of a bitch. And why not bling it out a little bit? They have chains, rings, earrings, and watches for every style. You can find your new favorite piece or customize it in the GLD custom shop. - With clean designs and real gold in every piece and handset stones, you can see and feel the quality craftsmanship in every GLD piece. You know, I got my new Cuban link, my thickie, that I absolutely love. - I know, you wear it almost every day. Almost, I wear it when I wanna look blinged out. You just wanna look blinged out at all times, which by the way, that's your prerogative. - Absolutely. Well, yeah, you know, I like to swing heavy around town let people know it's up. You could work hard and change the game right now because GLD products also come with a lifetime warranty. So this is an heirloom piece that you're gonna have forever. And for a limited time, new customers are gonna get an insane deal. If you use code wars with a Z, W-A-R-Z. At checkout, you're gonna get 40% off at GLD.com. One more time, it's 40% off with code wars with a Z, W-A-R-Z at GLD.com. Check it out today before those prices change. - All right, let's take a quick moment and talk about Hems, which is a great, great company. Look, here's the deal, right? The best sex happens when you're in the moment, not when you're in your head. And Hems takes the second guessing off the table. Look, I use Hems, okay, I'm 44 years old. You know, the piping downstairs isn't exactly as firm as it used to be, and you want, you know, why not? I'm not ashamed to say it. A lot of guys are ashamed to say it. Don't get this is it. As you get older, that's the fact, right? Hems, it's a great service that connects you with a licensed healthcare provider online. So you don't have to go to the doctor and have a weird conversation. And then they give you legit ED treatments from home. So they send right to your home, discrete packaging. If you don't want to tell anybody about it, there's no awkward appointments or waiting in a pharmacy line. Genuinely, just a great company with a great service. - Yeah. Lewis, that was so brave of you. That whole speech was very brave. Tell everybody about your limp noodle penis. - That's true. - You fixed it. That's what it is. You took action. - I'm surprised you could even, I'm surprised you could even read this right now because all that blood is flowing so naturally and freely to your large massive. - My big bulbous cock. - Your big bulbous cock, do they need no help at all? - Yeah. If you want to feel like this, go to hems.com/warz. That's h-i-m-s dot com slash wars with a ZW-A-R-Z for the personalized plan for sex here. Weight loss and so much more. That's h-i-m-s dot com hymns dot com slash wars with a Z. Prescription product require an online consultation with a licensed healthcare provider who will determine if the prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply, individual results may vary. See hymns dot com for full details. - Okay, story warriors. Let's take a moment and talk about body brand coffee and creamer. You're probably already drinking the coffee and it's the best functional mushroom coffee on the planet. Why? 'Cause it doesn't taste like shit. Most of these mushroom coffees taste terrible. This is real premium freeze-ride Colombian coffee that we've blended with amazing ingredients like lion's mane for focus. Ashwaganda to help your mood. Tonkata leaf for hormonal support and althinine which smooths out your entire caffeine experience. It's an incredible cup of coffee and we just launched the creamer which has C8 MCT, collagen, cortisapsed rodeola, saline cinnamon, it's coconut milk powder base, it is sugar-free, it is dairy-free. It's absolutely an amazing stack. Instead of taking 10 pills every morning, Jay, which I know you do that sometimes. You're like, you're a pill guy. You got your little pill case. You're almost 50 years old at this point. - Vicaridine just to be normal. - Yeah, I'm gonna feel something. - I'm gonna feel something. - Yeah. - I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. - And instead of taking a bunch of pills, you're gonna have one simple cup of coffee that tastes absolutely great and will get you all of your neutropics, vitamins and adaptogens in one cup. And we're gonna do a pretty amazing thing right now. If you wanna try 'em both, okay? You gotta go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. When you check out, use the promo code WarzGift. W-A-R-Z-G-I-F-T. You're gonna get 10% of your order, if you order both, and we're giving you a free gift. Jay, free gift. You get a BodyBrain mug or the milk frother, absolutely free just by using the promo code WarzGift. - The mug with the thing? - The mug with the arm. - I like that. - It's a dope-ass mug. - I like the mug arm. - So go do that right now, BodyBrainCoffee.com. As a website, use that promo code WarzGift to save 10% and to get a free mug or a frother today. Okay, where were we? Alex, story number three. - We're gonna go. - Thank you, DJ. - Story number three. - No problem. - I was doing Coke in a bathroom. - DJ. - And some. (audience laughing) I was doing Coke in a bathroom and someone laid a line out on the counter. When I went over, I accidentally turned on the automatic hand dryer and blew it all away. - Oh, that's not my story 'cause that's hurting me as I hear it. - The only person besides those I thought was a fucking fucked-up, Chloe LeBranch, just fucking, live-in-life, wild and free. - This was Chloe when she was 13 years old. - No stranger lays out Coke and fucking, "Hey, stranger in a bathroom, this is Chloe LeBranch." - I would have fucking-- - Wait, is that the end of it? Or it went on the day? - Yeah, that's the end of it. - I mean, if it's not Chloe, I want everybody to kind of make her feel bad that she didn't do that. (audience laughing) Because she should, she deserves it. - What? - I deserved that. - You deserved a party and have cocaine blow away by a hand dryer. - I would never do that though, I care too much. Like, I care too much, you know. - And Roy Rogers. - You are panicking, it was so you. (audience laughing) I could never. - I like cocaine too much. - I mean, I wanna stretch this round out further, but I mean, it's so obviously Chloe LeBranch. - I know. - Nobody, we're all fat losers. Nobody's giving us cocaine. We are the ones who give hot girls cocaine. So we were the other guys in this story, but this is your story. - Yeah. - Yeah, we're the guy behind you that's like, "No!" (audience laughing) - Oh my coke, you stupid-- - Hi! - You stupid, ah, you, ah. All right, look, it's cool, I got more back in my car. - Yeah, there's some of my plays. - Yeah. - Whatever, whatever, I only have a debit card. Can I borrow your credit card? - She was, oopsie doodles. Seems I fucking blowtried all the coke away. (laughing) - I remember one time I was in a bathroom in the West Village, and I got cocaine. It was the first time I ever bought cocaine. - Oh. - And I went to the bathroom, and I laid it out on the toilet. And what I didn't realize was the toilet, the top of the toilet was right below a soap dispenser that it's been slowly dripping down over time. So all the coke got mixed in with the soap. And here I am, the first time I've ever bought-- - You did it anyway. - I definitely did it anyway. (audience cheering) And then I, I hiccuped bubbles. (laughing) (laughing) - That's pretty weird. - You got a car too? - Yeah. - That's how you come up clean on the drug test. - Yeah. (laughing) - I mean, Chloe, tell me how this is not you before I put my vote in here. I'm trying to, I'm trying to-- - By the way, it convinced me it's Lewis, 'cause that's my other possibility. - It could be me. - It could be you. It probably is you. - Let me tell you something. TJ's too important to tell a story like this. (laughing) Lewis, I feel like I would fucking, I would know this story. And Brendan and me are good boys. We don't do cocaine. - Brendan's done cocaine. You've done cocaine. - I think that's not funny. - I try cocaine. (laughing) - Twice, one line each. Who used tried cocaine? Things that that fucking cocaine use. (clapping) - What? - Hey guy. Hold on, I set this on Legion of Skanks though, but I will repeat the joke. - If I just said to dick twice, you would say that I've sucked a dick. - Yeah. - Yes. - Okay, fine, I've done coke. (laughing) One time, cumulatively, because two times, I did one line each. (laughing) I didn't enjoy it, it wasn't my thing. I'm a pot guy. - This feels like someone who hasn't done a lot of coke in their life would make this, - Shut up, Chloe. We all know it's you. - Yeah, but, I can tell you something, Lewis knows both, Lewis knows both my cocaine try. - This is not Jay, without a doubt, not Jay. - Well, if I get that, Chloe has a good point. What are the amazing, if it was Brendan? - Yeah. - Look, you know what I mean? It's probably amazing. - Tell me how many of you are fucking reaching, okay. - Is it okay? He hits it, it's like, he's like, "Oh, oh, no!" Look, the only lines I'm doing in a bathroom are to finish the Iron Cross. (audience laughing) - That was good. - So. - I understood. - Just kidding. - I'm just kidding, everyone. - No, I would never-- - But we never quadrued the Iron Cross, you did a line. (laughing) - I'm walking it in, Chloe LePierre. - Yeah. - All right. - It's so a chick story. - It is, yeah. - Everyone was giving me free Coke, it asked me to suck their dick. (laughing) - I don't know. - Anyway, my boyfriend showed up and kicked everyone's ass. (audience laughing) - Chloe, who are you voting for, for no reason? - Brandon. - You locked it in, for no reason it's great. - Yeah, it's giving me the points. - It's giving me the points. - You get a point? - I think you get a point. - No, you don't get points. - You don't get a shit. - So you just did this out of cruelty. - Alex, all of our answers are in, who's story is story number three? - Story number three belongs to, Chloe LeBrandt. (audience cheering) - Thank you, Roots. - Yeah. - Chloe, it's great. - What don't we know about the story? What are we missing here? Where was this? When was this? - I was really embarrassing, I was probably 16. - Toy? - I was at, yeah. - Sad, sad. - My mommy didn't raise me now. - Forborn? - Yeah. - For us, everyone was very forlorn. - Trying to find love on your fifth guy you've had sex with? (laughing) - I think it was a virgin, actually. - Nerd. - Yeah, I know, right? - Oh, didn't realize it was gonna be a dork story. - You see, you were 16, where were you? - I was at this club that used to be here called, Bungalo 8, used to be in the hey days of party times. - Okay. - Yeah, I just said everyone was putting it out and then I was like, I'm gonna do it. You know, and I'm just yelling at everybody, move. I'm gonna live forever, you know. - It was one of the, it was one of the hand sensor ones. It was, you didn't smack it. - It was my move, and then I put my head down here and the air dryer went on and blew it all away. - It's like, you know how fucking bitch you did. (laughing) I never, I never even fucking liked you. (laughing) - Oh. - And the whole girl was like, I fucked your boyfriend up. - I was like, oh my god. - That's how important Coke is. Like, here's a confession, bitch. - We are enemies. - Yeah, yeah. - Where are our points at? - All right, tied for second place with four points each. Lewis J. Gomez, big J. Oakerson, Chloe LeBranche, and T.J. Miller. (audience cheering) And in first place with six points, Brendan Saggalo. (audience cheering) - Oh my god, it's anybody's game. Who's gonna take home Indian cooking without fat? (audience laughing) For the health conscious cook, there's no need to settle with Indian cooking without fat. You'll learn how to lighten traditionally rich recipes by using dry roasted spices to build flavor without the extra oil. Indian cooking without fat proves that you can cut the fat without cutting Indian food out of your life. (audience cheering) - I mean, the fat of the carbs are the problem. - It is true. - Just the most is the rice, all that. - Yeah, dude, eat your buttery Indian bull shit. - Yeah, dude. - I fucking non, it's like a pizza. - And it's eat it. - Like you can eat it. - Butter chicken, it's called butter chicken. We would take a butter out. (audience laughing) - It's just chicken soup and marudulam, but Jake Baljalk, Balchikar. (laughing) - What? - What? - I wish there was a book called Indian cooking without making my entire floor of my apartment smell bad. - Yes, yes. - Indian cooking without getting evicted. - Now it's not. - Cut it, and Indian cooking without smelling. (laughing) - Indian cooking without turning all your neighbors. (laughing) - Oh, it's store number four. (upbeat music) - I love this. - Store number four. I have masturbated in an airplane bathroom in the past 30 days. (laughing) - How? - Isn't it Lewis? (laughing) - What's it mean? And I mean, I have masturbated in an airplane bathroom in the past 30 days, but this is not my story. - I've never in my life ever. (laughing) - I've never once ever in my life. - You've never masturbated in an airplane bathroom? - No. - By the way, you know if you do. - I've never sat down in an airplane bathroom. - You don't sit down when you masturbate in the airplane bathroom, you sit down. - You stand over. - What do you put your head on the fucking slant wall and fucking knock it out of here? (laughing) - What's wrong? - Where are you going so long? Jerko, where did they get there? You fucking weirdo. - It's definitely you. (laughing) - Yeah. - I like this, this is not my story. This isn't really a story. (laughing) It's a two-day tradition. - It's a good fashion. It's like, I have masturbated in an airplane bathroom in the past 30 days. It's opening in a fucking alcoholics and not a bit of a thing. He wants to get it off his head. - Yes, he's J. Miller, and I am a tell-to-holy. (laughing) He wants it off his chest so bad and just blurtin' out of him when bathroom was the same. - No, what you're doing is happening. - Stop it, you're saying you do it. You line the sink with paper towels. - What? - It's sink. - The sink. - You sit in the sink. - And then you get your legs up on either side of you. - On your tippy toes, you reach back underneath of yourself. - Right into. - Ain't you? - Dude, United, by the way, for a hot minute, United in the first class bathroom, they had hand lotion. It was crazy. (laughing) One flight ever. One flight-- - I'm not for that! (laughing) - What if it was? Maybe it's for that! - DJ, do you give you hot towels? - DJ, have you ever masturbated in an airplane bathroom? - It's the only place that I'm masturbating. (laughing) - I exclusively masturbate in airplane bathrooms because I do have to hunch down at my height and I get a real good look at what I'm doing. (laughing) - That's the pile closer to the action. Do you see? - That's the proud boy code. You can't masturbate unless you're an airplane. (laughing) - So DJ, you are, I almost feel like-- - To its whole-- - To really enjoy a masturbation session in an airplane. - No, I have to do in the cockpit. - There's just a-- - I understand. - There's not enough room in the bathroom. So I do in the cockpit or the galley. - I explain these people to the owners. I understand, but explain to them to the owners. - Occasionally, they'll let me down into the cargo area where they keep the check luggage. - Okay. - Then I can really stretch out sometimes I open all the different suitcases and use garments. - I'm sorry, I like that. - Do you like to finish on a soft shell and make it like stick to the material when you finish it on a soft shell and watch it run? (laughing) - Chloe, go on, there's no wrong answer. (laughing) - The only thing we're running out of is time to talk about where I come in the galley. (laughing) - Chloe, is this a hot story? - Yeah. - Chris, for any of us, it's okay. - Just don't know what it is. - Chloe, but you again, I gotta be honest with you. This story is just, are you trying to fucking push your only fans? (laughing) Because this would get me if you go, I managed to be on a thing. Anyway, check me out at fucking Chloe Squirt 6'9. - This car. - I do think that that's great, that when any of us were talking about the guys, like everybody in the room is like, I don't really want to like imagine that. Like, why am I here at this show and having to think about that? And then when it's like, maybe it's Chloe, everyone's like, okay, yeah, that's great. - We all painted it. - Even girls, even Chloe, you masturbated in a bathroom. - No, I didn't, but I think it's nice. - Oh, man does that, 'cause then maybe it means he's not cheating on you. - I'll tell you what, that's fair. Chloe, have you masturbated in a plane, on a plane ever? - Everyone's shh. - Chloe. (laughing) - Please tell me about that time you masturbated on a plane. (laughing) - No, I'd never have, I've. - Well, I do enjoy turbulence, you know? - Okay, what? - Yeah! - Okay! - A little bit of turbulence in a butt plug, whatever happens. (laughing) - If this is Chloe, the next story will be I've masturbated in the New York comedy club bathroom. - Okay, and I'm telling her right now, it's gonna be me, all right, that's my story. - It's gonna be me. - That's not a story. - Brendan, have you masturbated in an airplane bathroom? - No, I don't even wash my hands in those things. I agree, I get in or get the fuck out of my shoes. - Don't wash your mouth or I'm in there, 'cause he's covered in fucking jizz. (laughing) - I hate airplane bathrooms. - If I have to, smoking off in one is fucking insane to me. And I think it's you. - I hate pissing in them. I have, if I, once in a while I piss in an airplane, I fucking hate, and by the way, multiple times I've walked and this is gross. I don't overthink it. I took my shoes off, and I've gone into my socks. And you are walking on piles of piss. - Well, that's crazy. That's worse than masturbating in an airplane bathroom. Why are you so proud about not masturbating in your room? - I'm not fucking proud of it. It's just funny, that I know it's how big are the tits in this room tonight. - It's crazy. - I'm saying that. - That blue, and then this one right here, it's like, we've like cornered the market and tits. Is everything okay? Are we starting story wars, milk farm? (laughing) - A milk farm. - DJ votes for May, all right, big J. - It's you. - That was a, you're, you're everybody else. - I'm glad I'm pulling ahead of you right now. - Yeah. - It's either Brendan or Chloe. It's not TJ. - Okay, he's not that guy. - If anything, I would masturbate on the plane. There's nothing about-- - You're still on the, you mean, just in your knees? - I don't know, like in a bathroom. - I voting according to, I voting according to, uh, hope. (laughing) - Hope and dreams. - Ah, shit, Mike, I'm a special future. - That might make it, that might make it T.J. - I don't think it's T.J. I think this is Chloe. - I'm gonna vote for T.J. - Because if you like, with all the Hitler art, you have to find safe places to masturbate. - That's true, that's also true. - It's tough to just do that. - Surrounded by Hitler's master work. (laughing) - You can't fucking come when the Supreme Leader's watching. - This is a story that, like, it's a creepy, for a guy to, but a girl would think this is a fun story to just admit, guys are ashamed of it. - Sackle, you're an idiot. Chloe's my no-- - I'm not an idiot. - I'm not an idiot. - You're not an idiot, dude. - I started to learn how you lie. - Who is this explanation of it being Chloe is, is it was a long version of exactly what T.J. said? - Well, you're very-- - Hope to God it was her, even though you know it's you. (laughing) - Sackle, how do you know how do I lie? - I just know now, I just know, I can see it, I can sense it, I mean, it's a, it was very smart admitting it. - If this is Sackle, this is, (laughing) if this is Sackle-- - I know, I'm telling you. - This is the craziest play I've ever seen in the game. - You make me sick. (laughing) - I know, my knowledge, all of our answers are in, tell me how this is Brendan Sackle's story. - Story number four. - What? - Belongs to Louis J. Gohan. (cheering) - Fuck, I thought submitting the obvious wouldn't be so obvious. - Yeah, it was a good move, you go. I have done that, that is my story, but it did not, it did not work. - On the way back from California, five and a half hour flight. - I have to explain it. - Too long to explain it. - Too long they're not, as too long they're not coming. Too long they're not coming. And this, so here's the deal. When I have big thighs, so whenever I sit down on a plane, my dick is kind of fucking my own thighs. So the whole time, anytime I feel turbulent, I'm like, oh, I gotta go, let me go fucking. - Yeah, and with the time change, it could be like it never even happened. - That's true. - That's absolutely true. - If I, if during the time change, sometimes I masturbate and I come in the future. - Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah. - If you fucking come over to Mason Dixon, it didn't even happen. (laughing) - God damn it. - Wait, Alex, sorry, say, just before we move on. - Please. - Oh yes. - You jerked off when you got home, like when you, like when you landed? - On my way home. No, not when I landed on my way home. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, I'm gonna say. - You think when they were on the runway taxi, he was, I'm sorry, I have to piss. - No, that's when Lewis has to clap. (laughing) - Great landing. God, I'm horny. (laughing) - That's what I thought. - You got a blast. - Oh man, he had to so smooth the way he landed that. Oh my God, dude, what the trade wins? Do I have to handle that? (laughing) - Oh my God, I have an erection because of the plane ride. (laughing) - Alex, where are the points at? (laughing) - Okay, tied for fourth place with four points, each Chloe LeBranche and TJ Miller. (clapping) - Tied for second place with six points, each Lewis J. Gomez and Big J. Okerson. (clapping) - And in first place with eight points, Brendan Sackler. - Holy shit, Brendan Sackler was crushing it right now. - Oh, daddy. (clapping) - Redemption. - Sackler, are you playing a perfect game right now? - Uh, so far, yeah, it is pretty perfect. - I guess-- - No, but literally-- - Point to every round? - I think, no, no, no, I guess they're on some, I think I guess somebody wrong, but boy do I want a cooking book. - He guessed right and every round and he got two points in the round where it was-- - Okay, okay, so it's not a perfect game. But points every round is big. - All right, we're at the halfway point of the show. Let's do some quick plugs around the horn. TJ, what do you plug in, my friend? - I'm on tour currently. - And TJ Miller does not have a website.com is what I do. And that's where all my dates are. Teenage millionaire on Instagram, subscribe to my YouTube, got a lot of great content and specials up there. I've got a special called the Philosophy Circus that's out right now on my channel. Yeah, there's the people. And it's fucking awesome, so check that out. It's philosophy and circus, terrible ventriloquism. - Terrible. - And then actually you would love it, Louis, it's very, it's right up your alley, you fucking magic weirdo. (laughing) But yeah, just follow me on all things social and come see me live. - Oh yeah. - Chloe. - And I have peanut butter on my website, so you can get a line of peanut butter. - By the way, fantastic peanut butter. - It's fucking amazing. - Also, the hot sauce, you discontinued the hot sauce. - We had it discontinued. - It was so good. - So good. - It's so good, dude. - You know what, I'll bring you, 'cause I have a little stash. - Yes. - It could bring some. - You know who else had a little stash? - Hitler. - Yeah! - This has been a really exciting show. - Yeah. (laughing) - A load of branch. - So yeah, buy my peanut butter and yeah, the hot sauce is, you can't get it, so fuck you. All right, sorry. - Fuck you. - Chloe. - I don't really have too much going on. I'm gonna be honest with you. (laughing) You can follow me on YouTube, follow my show, news for women, and yeah, you're shaking your head. - It's super funny, it's super fucking funny. - Yeah, so that's pretty much it for me. Yeah, thanks. (cheering) - Mr. Sagalu, I got some stuff going on. I'm also on tour, BrennanSagalow.com, and fart carnival right here on the gas digital network, and sad daddy to pod is the other podcast, and Instagram, BrennanSagalow, all that stuff. - Oh yeah. (cheering) - Big J, bigjcomedy.com, for all my dates, it never ends. Greatest of y'all for a live tour happening now, come into a sitting here, you get tickets at bigjcomedy.com, and of course, listen to the bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM, 137, changed, five days a week, me and the great Robert Kelly, and of course, the flagship show over here, guests digital legion of motherfucking skanks. (cheering) - Watch the Kevin Hart roast. - Come see me live in the road, Lewisofskanks.com, subscribe to gas digital. If you love the show, we, I think like 80 episodes that aren't available anymore on YouTube or anywhere else, so you can go to gas digital.com, use the promo code WarsWithTheZ, save a couple bucks a month, you get pre-release on all the episodes, so they premiere on Monday nights, right during the Killtony slot, and (laughing) podcast digital, and also, they're uncensored and ad free. A lot of the stuff we say on the show can't go to YouTube, so if you guys wanna watch the uncensored and ad free, version, that's the way you do it. Make sure you buy my book, Knives and Spoons, My Memoir. At this point, you can get the audio version on Audible, as well, so go grab that on Audible. And (murmurs) Oh, Skankfest, we're gonna do three-story wars at Skankfest, so get those Skankfest. - What? - Seconds, Skankfest.com. (cheering) And you know, we have 175 of the biggest comedians in the world coming, so we're gonna be crazy episodes. Get those tickets, they're gonna sell out very soon. They might already be sold out now, so make sure you guys check at Skankfest.com. - I kept a few aside though, if you wanna pay me extra. - Yep. - All right, second half. - Second half of the show. - Well, we have hit. I mean, this is a close game already, which is pretty fun, so to go into the final four stories, it's pretty exciting to know that even if you're behind here, Brian, you're playing a great game, but you are not safe. - No. - Because for the final four stories over at Story Wars, we always go double point. (upbeat music) (cheering) - Huge. Chloe, do you understand? - I understand. - Are you sure? - Yeah. - Pretty simple concept. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points, and now that all jumps forward to double point. (cheering) - Okay, that makes sense. - You guys got it. - Yeah, it's great. - Okay, good, did not. I don't even fuck around anymore, Alex. Please, Story, number five. (upbeat music) - Story, number five. I was in a new relationship, taking a sex shower, and I pooped on my partner's foot. (laughing) I tried to push it down the drain before they could see, but they solved. (laughing) - Here's what I'll say. - I mean, this is gonna be it. - I don't think this is big J, because if this was big J, I have a one man story about it. - He would kill himself. (laughing) - I would never, yeah, I would be like, "Ah, no way, dude." There's no situation. There's nothing I would do in a shower that would make a shit fall out. (laughing) - This ain't me, and I don't think it's Lewis. Lewis, I believe, has taken a lot of sex showers, but I don't think he just has a relaxed ass hole. - I take a sex shower every time I fly. (laughing) - Now, could this awesomely be collieable? - No way. - If it's collie, I'm gonna actually, I'm gonna de-friend her on all social media platforms. It's gonna make me so mad. - Think, shitting on the part, how do you shit on the partner's foot, if you're, you have to be a girl, getting fucked. - No, you don't. - Girls, seriously. - You could have just been Indian cooking with fat. - Yeah. -Yeah! -That's why you took her cat out. -That's the biggest fat! You gave me! -You could have put it in one hole and it came out your other, you know? It can happen. Bathroom, shower, sex is girls in front of you. It's always from behind in the shower. And the girl's shitting would hit your foot if you were fucking her from behind. -Dude, I understand what you're saying, but. -Unless you're saying you were a new relationship and this is going to be one of the fucking four of ours coming out party. -Where we tell everybody we got butt fucked in a shower and then we're shitting a guy's foot? -I see. -That's what this show is about today. None of this is going to fucking make a massive fucking confession. Guys, guess what? I've done gay shower sex and shitting a guy's foot. Move on. We'll be back next week. Don't even mention it. -Don't mention it. -Don't mention it. -Don't, guys, don't mention it. I'm fucking bearing my soul before. -Well, or. -Get out of here. -I don't know. I don't think you have to be bending down to shit, like. -Oh, great. Well, it's bending then. -No. Why would anyone defend this? -No, no. It's because I call her a "chick story" and he's like, "Well, hang on, hang on." -I'm just defending reality, really. Because I'll tell you this, and no offense to whose story this is. If this was me, I'd kill myself. I wouldn't be here right now. I would be dead. -This would be such a big moment in my life. You would have heard this story about me. I would have heard this story about you. -Can I step the shit down a drain to make the guy fucking me stop? -Get out of here. -Get out of here, it's. -Why are you so sad? -I don't know. -I am overreacting without a doubt. -It's just sick of all these shit coming out. -I'm overreacting for sure, but I don't know. I think I just figured it out really quick. I feel good about it. -You're swinging dick. I wish I got Conor McGregor walk right now. -I don't think. I don't think you need to be bent over to have. -You know what? -To shoot on a foot? -Yeah, my first thought really is Chloe. -Why? -I don't know because you seem like somehow you could make this cute, and you were fucked up enough to shit in the shower. That's a very strange line with you, but I think that's kind of what I could see here. -Here's what you guys are not understanding. Women don't shit, so it can't be Chloe. -Oh, they do in the shower, Lewis. -If you're fucking of hard enough. -Somebody's never shower fucked hard. -Yeah. -I understand what you're saying, Jay, but it's not automatically Chloe, just because of the automatic. Just because of the angle of getting fucked. -You know what I like? Take it back. I did say it's automatic, and I still agree with it when you reset it. -This is a sex shower. I mean, you're having sex in the shower. It means that you're taking a shower after sex. -See, that could be a lot of. -This is why I think it is. -Tell me where your girl is behind you in a fucking shower. So you can shit on her foot. -No, sometimes wins. -She's behind you? She's fucking caressing you and kissing on your neck. You fucking weirdo. What do you omitted? You don't have it. -You don't need to bend down to shit. -What happened to you, big Jay? Tell us. Tell you what I think it is. -What is this? -Because shit is shower. A sex shower. The shit's not going anywhere near the girls. Going behind me where she is not. -Yeah, but it will go down the drain. -Did a sex shower kill your parents? -No, but it was involved. - Jay, you're thinking of this from a fat guy, a little bit perspective. You want to have her away from you. -Oh, I'm sorry, Jay. This is when you guys were holding a woman in the air. Fucking her and. -This is her. -Look, you don't need to bend down here. I said it before and I'll say it again. You don't need to bend down to shit. Okay, you could be making out forwardly. And then she or he? -Mm-hmm. -Someone who might be a little close to this story who's having a bit of an emotional reaction. -We were sorry to tell you, this would have never stopped telling this. -I don't think it's Jay, but he's having a full-fledged panic attack episode right now. -Really? Am I having a panic attack? Because I'll tell you this. It's Chloe, 1,000 percent. Thank you. And I'm. I lock it in. That'd be money on the side. I did win a thousand dollars from you this week. -17,000 dollars right now. I kind of think it's Chloe, too. -It is! -I don't know what I did. -Why am I so angry? -I don't know. What did I do to hurt you? -I don't remember. -I'm doing Chloe because I believe that I really got burnt on the masturbation and the playing thing. And I think she's the one that could make this cute. And also, Big Jay is really upset. -I'm so hyped! -And so I'm trying to just show him. -What do you guys cross your arms for? -Exactly. -Who's it up? It's a party! -Yeah, we're all friends here. -Hey, guys, change him fun, right? -I'm getting your sword partner. -No, that's a change. -I'm not going to be like my partner. -She changes. -Alex has to change this so we don't know a guy or girl. -Lover, I would say. -Lover is what you would say. -Especially if you're in a shower with them. They give it to most likely a lover. -Night time lover. -I'm going to TJ Miller. I think it's a weird story. TJ's a giant. He's also a huge mistake. -Maybe, but it's already done. -I bet you've 17. -Let me tell you why I think it's TJ. Because TJ is a handsome guy. He's got a lot of success. Me, Brendan and Jay, we're fat guys with little dicks. We're never shitting in front of a woman ever. -No, no, yeah. -I don't think Chloe would tell this story. Because that's psychotic and I'll subbing friends with her for tarp. So it just leaves TJ Miller. -I hope it appears to not be friends with Chloe LeBranch. -We were so close. -Shit, maybe it's Brendan. -No, no, no. This would never be me again. Because kill myself. I think it's big J because. -Look, you were a heavier guy back then, right? -Sure. -Have your guys do kind of shit? -No. -I never just shit uncontrollably ever in my life. -There is a dog protest too much kind of situation. -All right, I understand. I did go big. -But this is Chloe LeBranch. -I think I fucked up. -Alex. -Story number five belongs to Chloe LeBranch. -Wow. -Fuck you, Chloe LeBranch. -Wow. -You're not my friend. -That is disgusting. Chloe, tell us what. Chloe, tell us what we're doing. -Oh, God. I thought I was in love. -Oh, it's pretty. -It's a big deal for you to tell everybody that. -Oh, yeah, I thought he loved me. And then he was like, "No, I don't love you. I think I like someone else." So I was like, "You know what? If I give him my butthole, maybe I'll never leave." You know, I gave him the one thing I never gave him. I let him try to put it in my butt, but it hurt. And then after we went to take a shower, and then all of a sudden, we were standing in the shower and a tiny little poop just fell out of my butt. -Like a Hershey kiss. -Like a tiny little poop. -I know what you mean by that, but when it hits your foot, there's no such thing as a tiny poop. -It went on him. -They're all gigantic. It hit his foot, and then I tried to push it away. And then he said, "I saw that." -Oh, he said it. -Well, then he said it like that. -Because it came down like a Donkey Kong barrel. He saw it coming. He couldn't move in time. -It was a adorable poop. -A little rabbit-tired. -I hate that story. It's my least favorite story in the history of the game. -I love that, guys. -I was right, though. -You were right. -It was a cute thing. -Me and you, dude. -You're really -- Yeah, we knew it. But you were strangely very right. -Yeah. -I don't understand why. -Listen. -And the anal sex. -Can we just say something? Tequila is a fucking stimulant. So I'm hyped. -I feel like I didn't do anything that bad. -I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I knew this was you. You piece of shit. -Oh, yeah. -You did something great. Alex, where are points at? Five stories down here. -You have to separate the art from the artist. Like Hitler with Hitler's art form. [ Laughter ] -In last place with six points. Lewis J. Gomez. -Oh, last place. -Luisers! -Okay, so it's -- Look, he's doing his bachelor show. You still make the money. He's doing his best. God, damn it. -It's hide for second place with eight points each. Brandon Sagalo, Chloe LeBranch, and T.J. Miller. -Oh, wow. -I didn't know. I got it. -Sorry. -Sorry. -It's still anybody's in. -I didn't first place. -I'm not in his place. -With ten points. Big J. Oprah's turn. -Come on. Come on. Come on. Are you here for one of the nights? [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -Alex. Alex. Story #6. [ Laughter ] -Story #6. The first shower I ever took with a significant other, I immediately slipped, fell backwards, and slammed my head on the tub and faucet, bleeding while they tried to hold back hysterical laughter. [ Laughter ] That's not even -- that sentence doesn't even make sense. -There's a fucking hike, who wouldn't -- - Yeah. (laughing) - Bro, yeah, it's so weird, pleading, while they try to hold back hysterical out of it. Who is they? Are you pleading? It's like a riddle. - Yeah. - You can solve it, you get three points. (laughing) - Why does this one say significant other and the other one said partner? - Chloe, each microphone a little bit more. - It's very significant, too. (laughing) - Oh, this person didn't, this person didn't butt fuck probably. (laughing) - There's one telling. - I ever took, I immediately slip fell backwards and slam my head on the tub and faucet, pleading, while they tried to hold back hysterical laughter. - This literally could be. - Sackalo? - Yeah, it could be any one of these three times. - It's too like, it's vague as shit. - Nah, nah, honestly, it sounds like me. It does sound like you. It sounds like something in a brain injury situation. They're bleeding while they tried to hold back hysterical for Lauren, they held back hysterical laughter. - Me, slam, for Lauren, they hysterical bleeding. - It wasn't for Lauren, the ambulance came. - I think, all right, I have a read here, okay, so this is not an in-shape person. This is a person that is clumsy. (laughing) So we're gonna take, we're gonna take TJ out. - Seriously. - This big J was fairly athletic. He played basketball, good balance, big guy. - So what? - Sackalo is a little clumsy goofball. - Oh, yeah, look, this could be me, but it's not me, unfortunately. - Okay. - Oh, never mind. - And that's really all I have on that. - Let's explore the revenues. - That really is all I have on that. - Yes, Sackalo, I'm getting a vibe for you. I mean, this is kinda like. - You think a girl wants to go into a shower with me? - Yes, I do. (laughing) No, I think this is-- - Chloe, my branch can't wait to get out of here and shower with you. (laughing) - That's gonna be a terrible shit on your foot. - That's hysterical. - Immediately Slip fell backwards and slammed my head on the tub and faucet. - It's not me because there's no poop. - Leading. - Well, no one's shitting in this one. - By the way, this is a bullshit guy story. - It's a story suck. - This could be, this could be-- - This is so weird. - There could be shit in this story. - You don't actually know, not every detail, maybe. - I think it-- - You know, it's hysterical shit. - But it's a shower. - I think the answer is in the, like, the four-learn thing. Bleeding while trying to hold back hysterical after. I like this woman right up here just went, "Mmm." - Are you saying it? - See, I was like, "The key is in this." She goes, "Mmm, yes." - This is the most-- - Who would say bleeding while they tried to hold back hysterical? - You would. - I think you would. - No, you would. - No, you would. - You would. - Go ahead. - Well, you would. - Oh, that's so weird. - You would not be getting the last word. - No. - I won't. (laughing) - You will. - I will. - Also, look, all I have to say about this is it's not me. And I know that I don't have a good-- - I know that's not good, but TJ has been talking an awful lot. - Brennan's also sweating right now. He just started sweating. It's his exact moment. He knows that this is his opportunity. - Don't waste your fucking answer, man. I'm telling you. I'm telling you, it's not me. - I'm going to stack him right in your eyes. It's not me. - You will be right in the eyes before you said you were never suspended from school. You little-- (laughing) - Oh, you heard it. You've been hurt before. I don't know why I think it's TJ. - I do think it's TJ. - Why do I think it's TJ? - I heard Brennan's like, "Oh, I can tell you, it's not me." And that's it. That's all I can-- - Okay, that's true. - That's all I can do. - From my standpoint, it's no. It's all I can give. - TJ was going so, he's talking so much about it. - But this-- Ryan Instinct was definitely Brennan. - This can be big, Jay, as well. He's big. - That's what I'm saying. - He's so calm. - Because we were barely was three minutes ago. - This story doesn't-- This doesn't have the fury of a chick shitting in a shower. (laughing) - It's fury. - It's amazing. - Where'd you go? - I went with Brennan, but now I'm picking it might be Big Jay. - It could be Big Jay because that would be a good little twist. - All right. - Damn. - TJ with a secret vote. - Brennan's Saga line. - You fools. - I know, and I feel like one. - I'm with TJ just to go over to Blueis. - I think it's Brennan, 'cause-- - You guys are also stupid. - I know. - The first shower, but it's-- - It is weird to be around us. - Yes. - I immediately slipped to Felbad or something. Bleeding while they tried to hold back hysterical after. That could either be TJ or Big Jay. You guys talk like that gay shit. (laughing) - Straight up. - You guys talk like that gay shit. - Straight up. - You guys talk all gay like that. - Straight up. - What's up? - What's up, what's up? - What's up? - Watch their specials. I could see you saying bleeding while they tried to hold back laughter. - Yes, yes, yes, yes. - Who would you be me? - Bleeding. - No, but-- - Oh, thanks, man. - I don't know. - I think it's cool he's saying such a nice thing. - Bleeding. - I'm just gonna go with my-- - My god. - It's my god. - Well, thanks for putting periods in my name, guys. (laughing) - I'm serious. - Fucking likes fun. Ryan R. I.A.N. - All of our answers are in Alex. Who's story was story number six? - God. - Story number six. - Fuck. - Belongs to Big Jay. Fuck the sound. (cheering) (cheering) - You were right. (cheering) (cheering) (laughing) - And I knew it. He wasn't freaking out like a lunatic. He was doing this. (laughing) - I am very common normal. Everyone around me is having conversations about things. (laughing) - Who's this with Carla? - No. (laughing) - No, this is my Cheryl. This was right after her husband-- - Underwater friend. - Yeah. - Cheryl Underwood. I couldn't see her in the shower, so I fell. (laughing) - Why did we decide to get those black tiles? (laughing) No, my-- I was very white trash, so my-- When I was, whatever, you know, 18 or 17 or 18, I think it was, my girlfriend moved into my mom's house with me, of course. And then we went into the shower together one day. For some of the one day, I was like, "This is the one we're gonna get in." And we're just starting-- fucking, we start making up. But I thought we were gonna hook up. The second we got into the fucking shower-- - She showed it on your foot. - Nope. (laughing) We were face to face. And she got it in back of the shower. I got it in front of the shower where the faucets and everything are. And I mean, I don't know if I had how much I got the second foot down before both feet up in the air. Clunk, clunk. Bleeding. Scream of them. Oh! And watching her naked, like, not trying not to-- She wasn't concerned at all. She was just trying not to laugh. And they lay me-- You-- with my little bird soft and go, "You fucking bitch! You're the thing in there!" (laughing) (laughing) Oh, fucking, Jay really pulled ahead on this game. (cheering) Alex, where are our points at? - In last place with six points. Louis J. Gomez. (laughing) Tied for second place with eight points each. Brendan Sagalo, Chloe LeBranch, and T.J. Miller. (cheering) And in first place with 18 points. It's Big J. Officer. (cheering) It's still anybody's game. Remember, we have two more rounds, and it has double points. (cheering) Guys, I'm pretty much at this point already reading Indian cooking without fat. (cheering) With recipes ranging from meat and seafood dishes to vegetables, rice, breads, and desserts, the book offers a lighter approach to an entire cuisine. It's Indian cooking for anyone who wants all the spice with significantly less of the grease. (cheering) All the spice making Tandoori chicken in my kitchen. - All the spice with less of the grease. That's like, nevermind. All right. - Hey, Story Wars. Let's take a one second and thank one of our amazing sponsors over here at the show, and that is Indy Cloud. You know, there's a knock on your door. Is it a vampire? Zombies? Nope. It's just the Indy Cloud delivery guy. Ooh, haha. I hope they put spooky Halloween music behind this. Let him in quick. (humming) Indy Cloud is bringing tricks and treats right to you all season long. Zero sugar THC sodas for watching horror movies on the couch. Scary good vape cartridges and beast mode, all in ones. Plus extra strength sleep gummies, so you can sleep like the dead. All right. What I need him for is to go to sleep at all because I get very afraid of movies. All Indy Cloud products are a legal hemp THC federally legal. And everything sold is lab tested. It's really great high quality stuff. The flower itself is really, really good. If you ever see a smoking after shows, we're smoking Indy Cloud every single time. I love the THC sodas. They're incredible as well. They knock you on your ass. If you're 21 or older, go to indecloud.co. That's dot CEO, not dot com. Make sure you don't go to dot com. It's a different website with not federally legal THC. Probably who knows what's on that website? Use the code wars at indecloud.co. I N D A C L O U D dot C O code wars with the Z W A R Z. You get 30% off your first subscription order. Once again, that is indecloud.co. World wars and your subscriptions ship regularly and discreetly with free gifts and free shipping on qualifying orders. Story warriors, do your underwear look like the stuff of nightmares? Well, stop scaring your dick and balls and get yourself some sheath underwear. I love these Halloween themed hats. I really do. If you could support a veteran on business, wouldn't you? And if you can girdle your grundo with sheath tool pouch system, wouldn't you? Well, guess what? You can. 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Sheath.com slash wars code wars for 20% off. Sheath underwear, the underwear of legends. All right. Let's get back to the show. Story number seven. One time I visited my partners, families house for Christmas. And I took a shit so big that we had to use wire hangers to break it up and get it down the drain. If this is Chloe, I'm going to come read my seat. If this is Chloe. If this is Chloe, Chloe, I'll accept you as a friend again. But if this is you, you're on my fucking number one enemy list. Yeah. There's the literal shit list. Yes. The girls tell shit stories. Yeah. Why do they always leave me? Hey, Chloe slept over. Did she shit in your shower? Yeah. It's kind of her thing. Well, um, yeah. Big J. Yeah. I man, I can just hear it in your voice. This would be again, Lewis will back this up. This would be a major story in my life, the fact that a bunch of people were involved in my shitting situation. Yeah. This would be something I've talked about a lot where I was like, I can't, I never stopped talking about it. This would be a major moment in my life. Unless you were ashamed of it, I would have to inside. I mean, you didn't tell anybody about it until story wars. No, no, no, I would tell everybody. It's all I think I have is my stupid shitty embarrassing story. So I would tell people, so people would know this. I would, this would be my thing. It was, oh, you're talking about the old family's hell shit story. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one already. Yeah, I can say the same shit. Yeah. Uh, this is a fat guy story. Obviously. Sure. Yeah. This is a fat guy who's binge eating, eating too much. He's had so much to eat that he's shitting piles on top of piles. Stop looking at me. I swear to God, this one ain't me either. I would never even admit to shitting it on a show. But I get I bet hold on. That's a crazy excuse. Well, yeah, that is a crazy excuse. Sorry. I'm just, I'm upset. I'm losing. I really need a book about making stuff without fat. Love Indian cooking without fat. This was a big day for you. Fuck. Yeah. It's, it's, women do like to mention how much they shit. No, they don't. I really, I like wire hangers. Are you gonna put that back up? Cause Alex, uh, so I like, I think it could be me, um, because the wire hanger component. Look at this. We're big. We had to use wire hangers to break it up to get it down the drain. Who is that? And I'm a big wire hanger guy. So I think it's probably me. So we know it's actually not big J, cause aren't you Jewish? Yeah. So, but I guess your partner could be it. I've never dated anybody. I've never dated anybody Jewish. Oh, did you, uh, do you celebrate Christmas ground? Yeah. My mom always was willing to open her legs to let Christmas in her life. Yeah. Yeah. Between my father and my stepfather and every guy in between, for sure, she made sure Christmas showed up. Yeah. She even knew she was much of a slut to know that Hanukkah sucks. Yeah. I feel like DJ doesn't celebrate like holidays. Yeah. How did you know that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You're home is witness. Yeah. You're like a legend. I was missed her dancing and I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I feel like DJ celebrates like Z knew and stuff like that guy goes, what? I feel like I know if this was Lewis, but this does feel like a Lewis story. He's sort of, but does feel like a Lewis story. I, if I, if this would be, this would haunt my fucking life, visiting my girlfriend's family and then shitting. So I had to have wire hangers out of the closet for myself. It doesn't take girlfriend. It opens up. It opens to that. But it does also say, here's what gets me on a strange thing. I took a shit so big that we had to use wire hangers to break it up. So that's a comfort level of something we like, if this, if it just said I had to use wire hangers means like I'm panicking. I'm trying to figure out. Well, so if you have to leave by and stuff to go get wire hangers with shitty, but you have to run up and find wire hangers. I don't know why I feel like you and any girl you're with have to have a lot of conversations about like it's just so I am, baby. And I think this is you smashing shits down to a little. No way. You're very loving girlfriend. No, I would never bring this to a girl. I would like, I'd like, I'd whisper it in her ear. I'd be like, we gotta blame the dog or something. Well, then for my wiener, I hope it's Chloe. There's no way. Chloe's not taking Chloe takes a little pebble rabbit chits. There's no way. Oh, she's getting butt fucked, but you don't know what happens on a Christmas. She's like, who's this would be so amazing if it was Chloe. You kind of, you want every story to be hers because it's possible. It's just, it's just insane. She's shitting on guy's feet. She's blowing away all my partner's face. One time I squirted so much that it made everyone in the house corny. Yeah, I can't get flood insurance because of how much I squirt. TJ. TJ is a giant as well. This could be a giant person. I said, I really like wire hangers. I was actually I was messing around with someone earlier today. Seriously, you close them because you can, with the hangers, you can take that cardboard piece or the paper around it, separate that, rip that off, recycle that, and then the metal of the hangers, you just push it in and the hook, you squeeze it in so that it doesn't rip the bag when you put it in. So I like wire hangers. So I think this one is me. And that's how an abortion is done, honey. Yeah, but I think this one's me. So I'm going to put my shelf down. Shit. You can't. You can't. Well, what a great show. What a cool type of place for ourselves. Is TJ is TJ playing the game for him? Yeah. Is it TJ? No. I still think it's Brendan. No, it's not me. It's either you or it's close. I don't think it's close. I'd love it to be. But I know, but I don't think it's flowing because I want to go with the family. He's the only guy who I could see like making this okay. That's crazy. And I yes. That's exactly it because you've got a little bit of a charm when it comes. Please vote for me. The lady guys. I will. I want you to vote for you. Brendan just fooled you. You know what? No, no, but you know what? You and I kind of bond over wire hanger stuff also. That's true. Seriously. We have bond. So I think that guy. I love it. Big mommy. The answer is Brendan. It's very obvious. It's not Brendan. God, I hope so. It's not obvious. It's not Brendan. It's too late. You locked it in. We got two votes for Lewis. Three votes for Brendan. Fuck. Alex, who story was story number seven? Story number seven belongs to Lewis James. Wire hangers. Wire hangers. Wire hangers. No, it's not. No, it's not. Let's time it. I needed those points. Thank you. So this was my son's mother and her family's house owner. They're from the Midwest. These people cooked like it was Christmas. They cook. They make cookies for like a week leading up to Christmas. Always cookies on the stove. Always apple pie. I was eating so much. And then at the end of it, I was like, I think that I mean, it was a crazy thing. You should ever say it was a kind of do break up flushes. It was a Chloe. It's like a shit Chloe into the toilet. It was a human size shit a whole Chloe of shit a whole Chloe shit it was it was pile that like it bridge it breached the water it was like a mountain and then literally it wouldn't go down and then I had to I had to get Beatrice I was like listen you can't like tell the family and then we got a wire hanger listen we'll break up when we get home but right now we got a wire hanger I had to undo it and fucking just mash it down kept on flushing she went out and told everybody obviously and it became the talking point for the rest of it like this I stayed in the pool. How did you kids not work out? God damn it Alex were our points at seven stories down. All right in the last place with eight points Chloe LeBrange in fourth place with 10 points Lewis Jay Gomez Alex is drunk I think Alex is drunk tied for second place with 12 points each Brendan Sagalow and TJ Miller yeah we're in second place yeah I did first place with 18 points big jail person so what would we have anybody's game right now except for Chloe's it's everybody else's game we have one more story you guys have a good time yeah our final story well it well it would have to happen for us yeah so if it's your story you can get eight points okay so you guys can beat big Jay I can tie with big Jay right now Chloe's out of attention but you can play giant killer you can you get you get to affect the game a big way for sure without a doubt so Alex story number eight I hope it's mine yeah why your hangers why your hangers what's that's true that's what it would be story number eight I pretended to be mentally handicapped on St. Patrick's Day at a bar yes so that I could cut the bathroom line and it worked that could be anyone here well Chloe did that yeah close her drunk she thinks today is yeah holy fool me with that today in the bathroom I was just anybody but TJ it doesn't look at how is anybody but you it's got everything I would never it's got everything TJ I would be like booze mentally handicapped and it way bathrooms bar it works selling it so hard acting so on point it worked yeah that's funny but look acting matured I like the idea that's like well he is a pretty good actor yeah I think you've seen Transformers for age extinction I don't know why this would make I wouldn't do this on a moral level however I am a part right but I say I say that at the same time I definitely when I didn't have a first boarding on a plane many many times I've when they go does anybody need to extra time and I go just had foot surgery and I kind of call yeah I call you so say on the plane a lot I've done that a lot I never expected to go to a bathroom well though I this there's anybody need more time to get on a plane and I'm like oh I do I have to masturbate and then I go in yes I go right into the bathroom get it over with guys everybody think about that you go why would you guys put hand lotion here idiots I mean here's the thing TJ you're a very accomplished actor big J's also very good actor to be that great of an actor to pretend I don't think that's out here's more reality is I never ever stay I've never I would view call it wrong or right St. Patrick's Day drunkness saying Patrick day to bar at all amateur night yeah but that could have you could be any time when you could have been a kid I didn't drink and drink as a kid I didn't drink as a teenager well I love you say that such a pretentious way sorry guys I didn't get my family loved me didn't need it I'm getting Chloe LeBrange vibes I'll tell you right now because here's a deal right Chloe used to be an unapologetic drunk yeah and this is something that when you're hammered you're like I have a great idea and there's a line to the women's bath they're not really to the men's bath right there's no lines to a men's bath I was gonna say that's right here I was trying to but it's no guy there's never a line for a guy that you're like right Chloe your stories you stories you go right I'm missing though Chloe your stories gave so many clues you're like see I'm gonna go I don't someone's feet while I was bent over in front of them in a shower I wasn't bent over sure you were how did you turn his foot how I just told you it would happen before he accidentally put it in the butt a tiny bit and then it hurt and then we went to take a shower and then I just drop it but you were you were in front of him what you were in front of him if it's you don't his foot it just dropped really quickly it all we're done with that story what did you do to this guy this is just screaming Chloe of wrench outlaw problems that's like something that Chloe would do to he's been known for a long time I couldn't imagine that working on anybody in a bar yeah I'm getting Chloe of ranch vibes I'm locking it in yeah I would Brennan you be a monster dude I would never do I don't need to get into the girls bathroom it would work with me though I look very handicapped yeah I'm taking a shot oh I'm taking a shot oh we want Chloe Lebranche everyone's putting Chloe down everyone who this could be a big right if it's not Chloe this is an enormous round for some but I lose oh wow all of our answers are in guys it's time for me to do my impression of a mentally handicapped individual at state who has to go to the bathroom go ahead Alex and see story number eight belongs to Brennan no holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit that is insane look I'm not proud of it yeah you are right now we are yeah well despite me standing up and being incredibly proud I regret this but if that means winning this then it was all worth it hell yeah can you do your show yeah show us the impression I know exactly the impression I did I remember the exact but anyway I was really young okay let me give you some excuses here I was young I was hammered there was a long line to the bathroom and I walked in and I was going I literally I was like it was it was great it was like Kaiser Soze I walked in I go and then I walked into the bathroom like thank you and then soon as the door slant I was like just right yeah bad ass pissing before I left this is 100% true before I left so I you know lemon line you know going oh haha and then when I thank you everybody there was a guy on the line that was like hey man you just fucking cut and his girlfriend was like stop it worked you got an Emmy yeah I know she he needs help it was the best what was I'm Brennan Saggle great story thank you thank you very much Alex give us our final scores I think I know who won but give us our final scores Alex all right in the last place with eight points Chloe Lebrace and fourth place with ten points Lewis Jay Gomez and third place with twelve points T.J. Miller wow second place scored 18 points and your winner tonight with 20 points Brendan Saggle ladies and gentlemen come from behind victory whoa I'm never what a game you get to say it double point (audience cheering) Holy shit, what a show, what a comeback. Damn, I had it in my hands. Now all my Indian cooking's gonna be so fatty. (audience laughing) I bet for our amazing battle of the great TJ Miller. (audience cheering) The lovely and hilarious Chloe LeBranch. (audience cheering) Your newest story warrior, Brendan Sagalo. (audience cheering) For Story Wars, I'm Big J. Alkerstin. I'm Louis St. Gomez. Until next time, peace. (audience cheering) (upbeat music)