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Speaker 2And with this counselor, I was able to shift from like a victim mentality to a survivor's mentality and be like, hey, this happened to me. It's not okay what happened, but I can't be living in that victim mentality every day because that's what kept me in addiction.
Speaker 3Welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast with your hosts, Anthony and Kayla. In this podcast, our intention is to help the still suffering addict or alcoholic and provide you, the listener, with our experience, strengths, and hope. We share real, raw stories of healing, hope, and breaking free. The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals and not any organization. Please help support the channel by following and rating the show. This is the best kind of donation we could receive. So grab a seat, take a deep breath, and let's get loud about healing together.
Speaker 4What was I, what do I do? When Anthony's doing something, you know, like he'll be walking and he's like, gotta go up two flight of stairs or like, just something that's not very fun to do.
Speaker 3And he's just like, like a deep sigh. I just sounds super pissed about it. Okay. Everyone get comfortable. I didn't notice I do that. Oh, I noticed. I believe you though, because I lived with you for a while. All right. Wait, is my foot going to be in the way like it was last time? Oh my God, bro. Don't fucking get me started on that.
Speaker 2You gotta flaunt the eggs.
Speaker 3That drove me insane. Trying to get that foot fucking removed.
Speaker 2Ashley.
Speaker 3How do you spell your name?
Speaker 2A-S-H-L-E-I-G-H.
Speaker 3A-dubs. Yeah, A-dubs. Oh yeah, A-dubs. I forgot about that.
Speaker 2I know.
Speaker 3Thanks for coming down, Ashley. We really appreciate it. I know this was a bit of a trek for you. It took you about an hour to get here, but we, we've been looking forward to having you on for a while now. Like a while. Yeah. I know.
Speaker 2I kept R-bombing you guys.
Speaker 3But no, you were an answer. You weren't.
Speaker 2I was like, yeah, for sure. Yeah.
Speaker 3And then you were honest. You were like, you know, I'm, I'm scared. Like this is hard for you. Right. And it was hard for us to, uh, it gets easier over time, but this is not easy. This is not, we fully understand and realize that like, this is not easy for someone to come here on the internet. When I first started this, I literally said to myself and, um, I said to everyone around me, well, maybe not everyone around me, but I'm saying it now is like, I'm not going to I, if nothing happened, I didn't care if it didn't blow up, whatever. I let that go. But I was fully under the expectation that everybody in the world could possibly see this.
Speaker 4Yeah.
Speaker 3Like as soon as I accepted that and I was okay with it, it became easier because I had to accept that and be okay with that in order to fucking splay my life onto the internet and, and get vulnerable and get, you know, um, current and uncomfortable and because I wanted to help this. I was suffering alcoholic and I wanted to stay sober to myself. Like that was kind of the point with all of this. Right.
Speaker 4It's nerve wracking. Cause I'm someone who I don't like, I'm not a shy person whatsoever. Right. But I still remember the first time me and Tony did this, I had like, I was nervous to do it. Right. Like, there's just something about getting in front of a camera and then like, not like we're talking about some pretty hard things to talk about right now. We're doing that and we're showing it to the whole world. Right. But I don't know. It's very enlightening when you see some of the feedback and you see people like, wow, like I just, I feel the same. The exact ways you feel. Yeah. Right.
Speaker 3So, so you get that person reaching out and said, I'm going through that too. Yeah. Right. And, and it's not, you don't even need to give advice or anything or be some kind of, you know, guru or, or profit or anything. It's just like, yeah, I know how you feel. I used to hate myself too. I still do sometimes. Uh, but on the other side, I come to love myself because I started working this recovery program where I started helping people and because I was told to do not because I wanted to, you know, it's not inherent. Like I don't enjoy, you know, no, I do enjoy it, but I don't. So my first thought is not like go help somebody. Right. But when you do, it's like, Oh, my problems kind of disappeared for an hour.
Speaker 4I want to mention something very interesting really quickly before Ashley tells us about her lovely self. But I was at a fellowship last night with a group of people around for having supper. Right. And one of them said he's at, he has about a year and a half sober. And he said the last two months he hasn't been helping anyone. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. And he's not taking anyone, you know, and trying to like, uh, so-called sponsor them. And he's like, man, the last two months I've become a complete asshole. He's like, I've had like no compassion for people relapsing. I've had like, I've just, I'm falling in old habits. Right. Not necessarily using drugs, but he said two months ago is the last time I, I sponsored someone. He said, if the last two months I've just been like living a regular, you know, so-called regular life. So I thought, I found out, I found that was very interesting to say, like helping someone actually does keep you sober. And when you stop helping someone and you kind of get right out of the mix of it, you know, it's easy to become that old person again.
Speaker 3And your problems just get bigger and bigger and bigger. Yeah. Yeah. You're thinking about them all the time and you're, you're, that's all you can think about. Right. So Ashley, it's so lovely to have you. I appreciate you coming down here. Yeah. You have a great, um, recovery program. And, um, I just, you know, before we get into it, I want to talk about how we met. We, uh, met in a treatment center, you know, not too long ago. And I, I, I'll never forget this. Caleb and I were already there and we saw you. And, you know, we were like, Oh, young person, you know, like, yeah, this is great. Right. Cause you know, anytime you see a young person and then it's a girl and you're all excited and, you know, I want to get to know them and hear their story and help them. And, um, and that first conversation we had, we were smoking a cigarette, remember? And I was like, when we first met you, I was like, I don't know if we're going to like this girl. I was like, I don't know. She's, she's like making fun of us. And like, I dug it, right. But she was chirping us. And I was like, you know, like, fuck her.
Speaker 4What the hell? I met Ashley. I remember you were. You were, uh, you're going through your detox phase and you're outside with the nurse having a smoke because when you're in detox, you can't leave without the nurse. Right. And I went outside and I didn't have any smokes and I was like, bitch. And I'm like, I don't have any smokes right now. And now she's like, here you go, bro. Have a smoke. And she, you had some like pajama pants on your hood up. You were all scared.
Speaker 2And I came out with like two nurses holding onto me and I'm like, I'm sorry, guys. This is my first impression.
Speaker 4That's right. Yes. It was on her. She run like your detox. Yeah.
Speaker 2And you were the first person to say hello.
Speaker 4I remember that. He was. Yeah. He did that a lot.
Speaker 2Yeah. And actually he inspired me to carry that on throughout the rest of my stay.
Speaker 3Yeah. Yeah. Because I remember how that felt of somebody saying, Hey.
Speaker 2Yeah. I just make it so simple.
Speaker 3Right. Hey, I was like, Whoa, he's noticing me. Right. Yeah.
Speaker 2No, it definitely helps when you first get there.
Speaker 3So tell us a little bit about yourself, Ashley. Um, tell us a bit in a general way, you know, what you were like in active addiction, what kind of happened to bring you down to, um, a point where you didn't want to go on using anymore. And then what you're like today.
Speaker 2Um, well, yeah, I'm Ash. I'm 23 years old and I've been suffering with addiction, alcohol addiction for six years and cocaine addiction for about a year and a half. Um, lots of trauma throughout my life. Um, my birth parents were both addicts and, um, that was the primary reason to why we were rehomed by CAS. So getting put into foster care definitely gave me a lot of abandonment issues and a lot of loneliness and pain, um, that I didn't really work through throughout my life. And then, uh, growing up, I had, um, I dealt with a lot of abuse from men, specifically older men. Um, at 14 years old, I was groomed online sexually by an older man and the cops got involved and it was linked to trafficking. Um, so that was definitely hard. And then again, just kept suppressing the trauma. Uh, 16 years old, I was groomed by another man and had sexual relationship relations with this person. And, um, that was the first time ever doing that. So that gave me a lot of pain, like a shame and guilt. Um, but again, I kept suppressing it and then, um, got into some abusive relationships later on in life. And ultimately it just, it destroyed me. Um, and I ended up trying to take my life January 13th, 2025. And that was when I realized that was like rock bottom. Um, cause I'd been struggling with mental health for a long time before that, but the drugs, um, helped me get through it cause I was self-medicating. Um, so during that time, I was like, I'm going to do this. Um, and then at the time I was put in under a 72 hour hold and basically found my spark again and felt like I got a second chance, um, cause I tried to OD on my antidepressants and cocaine actually saved my life. So kind of interesting how it was the one that ruined my life, but also saved my life. Um, yeah, so that's what happened and what was going on during active addiction. Um, what was the next question?
Speaker 3Like, what are you like today?
Speaker 2You know, um, I'm so much better. I'm stable mentally. Um, I'm able to be there for family and friends. I find genuine joy out of, you know, working the fellowship and being around people. Whereas before I would always say like, oh, I hate being around people. But I was like unconsciously isolating myself because I hated who I was. Um, and because I didn't feel confident being around other people, like the insecurity kept me away from being around people. So I didn't feel insecure. If that makes sense.
Speaker 4No, it makes sense.
Speaker 2Yeah. Um, so I love being around, you know, people and, um, hanging out with friends. I go to work. Every day I get sleep. every night i'm just doing much better mentally and healthy um ultra running shoes are all about
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Speaker 4yeah yeah being thank you for sharing that yes that's uh really i i always like admire when someone comes and talks about like especially because it's usually females that talk about being sexually abused but like i can't imagine that being an easy thing to talk about especially
Speaker 2in front of a camera right like that's i've suppressed that for a long time um i actually tried to forget about it you um both those things that happened um and i don't like consciously think about it every day it'll pop in here and there when you know different feelings and emotions come about um but i didn't really grasp the like the danger of both those situations and what could have happened yeah um and now as an adult young adult um just thinking back to those times it just you know it kind of makes me feel sick yeah because i was a child what was the moment for you where
Speaker 3you were able to like how did it happen how did you bridge the gap between going through it and then speaking about it and getting yourself out of it honestly that all happened at free uh yeah freedom um the rehab center yeah yeah so you were you hadn't really told anybody about it until that point
Speaker 2no um i've never told anyone about the sexual relations with this uh when i was 16 and my parents actually had to get involved when i was 14 with that so they know about that um but the other one you didn't tell anyone wow so i've loved i've lived with that for a while um
Speaker 3and it was definitely weighing on me what what kind of gave you the space to share that like was it being in the rehab was it the counselor you were with what what kind of gave you the space um i
Speaker 2think it was a counselor i was with um i mean obviously being groomed and abused by men for most of my younger years um i grew like a codependency towards men and like seeking their validation and equating that to my worth um which was not healthy at all and with this counselor i was able to shift from like a victim mentality to a survivor's mentality and be like hey this happened to me it's not okay what happened but i can't be living in that victim mentality every day because that's
Speaker 4what kept me in addiction i'm gonna ask you something so something i find common when women talk about this like when you were going through this in like you know your adolescence did you feel at any point like it was almost normal yeah like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't
Speaker 2know oh 100 um it was definitely normalized and you know back then online safety wasn't really talked about as much as it is now um so i was a teenager but i didn't understand yeah that this was wrong because being adopted and having to grow up really fast like i was a caregiver to my brother um because my parents were neglecting us because they were prioritizing their drug use so i grew up really fast and i was always around adults who were like oh you're so mature and like that's how the grooming starts right yeah like you're so special you're different so i surrounded myself with older people because like i didn't get along and i couldn't relate i shouldn't say get along i couldn't relate to people my age um so that's when i started to isolate from my peers and strictly start um looking for older people to validate me because again that's all i knew i can
Speaker 3really relate to that codependence thing i you know um it's it's not at all like what you went through but in a from a codependence you know i always try to look for the similarities and stories right uh it's very easy to like hear someone's story and be like oh you know i wasn't that bad or they're i'm worse or right but i always try to look for the similarities and it's in the feelings that i find yeah those similarities and for me codependence i still struggle with it today is it's simply i need you to like me to feel good about myself right so this people pleasing thing comes in where i don't want to upset you because then i get upset and i don't feel good about myself i don't feel worth worthy i don't feel um a part of right so i i'll do whatever it takes to make you like me in order to feel good about myself a hundred percent
Speaker 2and i struggle with the same thing because i mean growing up in the environment that i did at such a young age i didn't um develop like those skills to create an identity for myself i basically formed like morphed into something for someone else so um it was really hard for me to find my own identity and self-worth and figure out who i was because i had to take care of other people um so that was a struggle and um i definitely needed other people to validate myself something
Speaker 4i find like really cool about this and especially with ashley because like i i was in treatment with you and i remember when we would do like you know some of these classes that we did you were like so invested in asking questions yeah and you like asked so many questions and i was like oh my god like you really i don't know who you were before i met you but i know now like you sound so self-aware like you know what i mean you're like well this is how i felt this is what i was going through this is why i did this right like there's no way that you could have known all these things before you seek professional help right and i always go back to that when someone asks like what's helped you the most i think right from day one when i started this whole thing i think it was getting professional help and talking to someone who opened me up a lot but i think that's very cool because like when you sit here and talk now about your past like you're very aware of how you felt why you felt that way and you know i think that part to me is really cool and especially with you actually because i do i vividly remember like you would ask so many questions you saw me at the beginning yeah right and you were like oh but i want to know about this i want to know about this
Speaker 3and i think that's really cool yeah and you weren't it seemed to me too i agree with that 100 it's a good point it seemed to and we were talking about this outside too it's like there's no stupid questions you know that's such a cheesy old thing to say but if there's something going on in my mind and this is you know getting current as well if there's something something that's kind of idea or plan of how to handle said problem because we all have problems in our life right it's how we navigate them and how we view them if i think that a question is stupid and i'm a scared i'm scared i'm scared of how i'm going to be received that's the worst place that's how i relapsed every single time is i had this idea of how to solve my pain and i wasn't going to tell anybody about it bounce it off anybody because it was the right idea and so when i hear or or telling me about your feelings or you know you were talking about last night i really wanted to have a beer right i really wanted to have a beer that is so hard to do to like i'm in recovery i'm healing i'm doing better now people see you they're congratulating you they're you're doing better and then to go and say yeah but i'm thinking about beer still right it's so hard
Speaker 4to do 100 but it's so beneficial because yeah i'll use that as an example right so i went out last night with a friend and you know there was a beer involved and like i was just watching the other person have a beer right and i thought about it last night i'm like i could just have a beer right now nothing bad's gonna happen this is what i'm telling myself and i woke up this morning i thought about it again right and then i see an aunt this morning and we talked about the first thing you said to me yeah i love that and it's like even if even if like just just for like a primary example let's say i said that to you and you're like that's a stupid idea don't do it well sometimes it does it's not even so much for your response it's just me saying out loud out loud right and then you know once you say it to one person and you say oh it's not that bad then you talk to a few other people about it and we were talking about it earlier like all of us i do that a lot like i call anthony every day and sometimes it's just like hey man like like some stuff happened yesterday with work and uh i didn't get paid guy didn't pay me right and it was it drove me nuts i had lots of shitty things going through my head and i called anthony about it right and if i wouldn't have called anthony and a few other people about it i don't know i might have done something stupid right i might have lashed out and done something dumb to get myself in trouble but just talking about it with people and people just basically just listening to me rant essentially right and that's what the beautiful part about recovery is is i never had those people in my life before nobody wanted to be around me now i can call people and they pick up the phone and they give me the time of day to listen to me and they don't say hey that's you're an idiot for thinking that way or you should fucking kill that guy yeah or yeah i had people like that so did i i i know right now if that this would happen like say six seven months ago like i i know that i would have called you know a couple people that i would have been around and though they would have had some lovely ideas like how to deal with that problem when i say lovely i'm being sarcastic you know what i mean something stupid would have happened but now i have people in my life that a are there for me but b will hold me accountable and be like no man like don't do that you're better than that you know let's do it this way let's do it that way right or they play it out with you too what i try to do is like you
Speaker 3know what would happen if you did do that if you were to you know respond retaliate what would that look like and then you start to play it out in your head you're like yeah you know i might get shot i might get stabbed i might get into a fight and win the fight and then i don't feel good after wins right so um being young in recovery is difficult and i want to try to transition into that because uh i i came in at 23 you know you're both 23 yeah and uh i know exactly what it's like it's we're talking about this today too we tend to think in these like long patterns of and for me it was my whole life like man i don't know how i'm gonna get married and not drink like i couldn't grasp that idea and i thought and i used to share about it with people in recovery and it just over time you know i didn't drink on my wedding day which was a fucking miracle and i had the best time in my life and it all worked out but in the moment you're like i can't see myself down the road not drinking again because it wasn't really that bad or maybe i could get away with it or maybe i can control it and it's such a dangerous thought but i find that this one day at a time thing that they talk about this 24 hours just don't drink today you know just don't drink today and then when tomorrow comes just don't drink today just don't drink today and that's worked out for me what what kind of helps you in recovery today that that is saving your life um honestly the one moment or one
Speaker 2day at a time thing um definitely saved my life a couple of times dealing with some emotions over the past few weeks that um came out of nowhere um it's again just putting in my mind um you know just don't drink tonight because it's really hard to look at a couple days or a week um and going to bed and not drinking and then waking up sober is the best feeling because my night could have turned out so much differently and that's where like the addiction behavior comes into play it's really just a mental battle fighting your brain every day because your brain trying to figure out what to do when you need these substances when you don't um so that's helped also the fellowship um all the friends that i've made i reached out to tiffany last night and um basically i said like i'm having a really hard time like i am thinking about using and i had an addictions counselor when i was in the hospital actually mentioned that it takes 15 to 20 minutes for your brain to not think about a substance so if you call someone every time or text someone every time that you're having a craving um you actually get your mind off of it and then you're like you're not thinking about it anymore so that was a good good advice that i got um and yeah just self-care too getting outside not staying in my bed all day keeping me busy um really helps so that when i go into my room i'm not lingering in my thoughts i just hit the pillow and pass out yeah what where does uh family
Speaker 3kind of play a role in this like your support system people that aren't in recovery how does that look that aren't people that aren't in recovery like family or uh we call them normies that's kind of a weird thing but people that oh i see what you mean okay where does that play into your life how does that what
Speaker 2does that look like for support um so my dad was a major support system for me during my mental health um crisis and also going away to a treatment center um he basically redid my entire room when i got out of the hospital yeah because i was in the basement and it was um unfinished so before i had like brown dark walls and when i got out of the hospital he i know because he put up sorry no don't be hilarious well because he put up plywood as like fake drywall um just because we weren't going to do a massive renovation um but he painted it brown so it was dark and dingy down there right and it had curtains up and it was just really dark it's a perfect place to use no it's kind of funny the way i explained it um yeah but he redid it he redid it so he painted it all white so when i got out of the hospital yeah he redid it because he was like oh my god because he's like i want you to have something bright all that and then i went away for treatment and then i came back and he redid my entire room again he put vines and like it looks incredible that's so nice yeah um because i was struggling to do that during active addiction because i
Speaker 3would start something and not finish i know nothing about that there's that laugh i love
Speaker 4i was hoping for that no it's kind of like off topic in a way but like i'm just thinking about this as i listen to you guys it's crazy how people change when they get sober as i remember meeting both of you guys when you guys both come in right and i don't know if you've seen the picture i put in the group chat of what i look i know i'm so proud of you i'm gonna post that yeah like you
Speaker 3know what i mean i thought he did no like on this podcast so that you can get some context it's a
Speaker 4great photo i'm gonna be i'm just gonna be straight up with you like when anthony walked when i first met you like you were a dick buddy you walked in miserable you know you didn't want to be there i remember you're watching what show we were watching on the couch we were watching some stupid show all i remember man is you were miserable and like you were not you did not want to be there right within a couple weeks i met i really met anthony at like week three right i didn't meet anthony for the first few weeks i don't know who you were and same with me i could imagine who people for the first month got of me they just seen this this destroyed version of myself right and then i when i met you too like you didn't even want to stay there for the first week i think right you wanted to leave i was having a hard time right and then now like no months later it saved my life it's crazy having this conversation like it's it's beautiful it's so beautiful and seeing this stuff like it just didn't it's almost like it never gets old like you know how using drugs gets fucking old after all this stuff never gets old like you're right it's a good way to put it and and like i'm gonna use another example our boy michael like you know when i met that Mikey you know what i mean Mikey man like i remember when i met him i was like oh boy like the counselors got off they got a job here and now look at the guy he was so angry when he came in so angry right he he and it was sad i remember listening to him sometimes and watching him go through what he was going through and i was like like i felt very graceful and grateful that like i wasn't going through that and i honestly i will keep it a hundred percent i didn't know if he was gonna be able to like get through it right i know we were worried for him and now look at the guy yeah he's he's a totally different
Speaker 3person the the happy joyous and free you can like see it in his eyes and in his face and that's
Speaker 4what's happened with you and i remember when i did my uh intake when i went to treatment uh the nurse was talking to me and i forget what i had said about i said like oh like you guys have a hard job or something whatever whatever we were talking about their job and she said this the my favorite part of my job is seeing the person in a month and like i couldn't imagine because like they see people change well not everyone unfortunately not everyone makes it right but for the people that go in there the first day like you know looking like we looked and feeling like we felt and then seeing them a month later right like it's got to be like just it makes the job all worth it right because some days i couldn't imagine you know being a counselor being a nurse in a treatment center or just in a hospital in general and seeing someone come in messed right up and you're thinking like holy crap like you know look at what this person's going through are they ever going to get better will they ever change you don't even know who they are like i said when i met you i didn't meet you when i met you i didn't meet you when people met me when i first went in there they that was not me at all right and then when you actually get to know the person for who they are and see what they're like when they're not all messed up on substances it's like just it's beautiful then
Speaker 3it's so beautiful i agree i always say the best part about recovery for me and i experienced this i haven't been able to directly experience this again yet but in the seven years that i had you know a part of my recovery program was mentoring other people and um you know being there for their phone calls and answering you know one of the greatest things ever and jay talked about this last time in our podcast where watching someone you know from ground zero the like lack of hope faith anything lack of personality lack of soul really transform over time and then having them just you know i was sitting with a guy one time and we were going through recovery work and he just started you know bawling his eyes out like right in the middle of the thing and it wasn't like a sad cry it was like i can't believe i was there and now i'm here yeah and it's just this like moment
Speaker 4of gratitude and and i'll say like everyone's got a different gift in life but anthony like you one of your gifts bro and i love this about you is like i got lots of friends and like let's say i'm going through say like i make lots of stupid jokes sometimes that aren't really funny you never yeah right so like you know let's say i call anthony and make a dumb joke about like i'm gonna kick this guy's ass or oh i'm gonna go to the bar and have a beer just a stupid not funny joke anthony will not sit there and feed into it and i'm like i'm gonna go to the bar and have a beer he'll be like no and he'll mentor me through it and he'll say something serious right to the point where it almost annoys me where i'm like just shut up and laugh but he tells me what i need to hear right i think that someone like yourself especially having seven years in the program you must have helped so many people man and it's honestly i love you buddy but that's one of my favorite things about you thanks man you don't you don't let me fall in the rabbit hole of making jokes because you made a comment to me earlier which is so true there's truth behind every single joke
Speaker 3you make right so i appreciate that about you man thanks man i appreciate it yeah and that's someone you know i'm not a big fan of you but i'm not a big fan of you but i'm not a big fan of you everything that i've ever said out loud that's ever been of any you know importance of or any depth and weight has come from somebody else and i've just kind of recycled it and that's what we do here is like we hear these things you know one day at a time live and let live these like recovery slogans sayings um fear over sorry faith over fear you know one day like i said all these recovery sayings and we just like recycle them to people and you know their their slogans their they're whatever for a reason you know because they work right and sometimes we hate them and but you know you never know when you're gonna i always say this too is like you never know when you're gonna say something that'll save someone's life yeah so you know just go out and on a limb and i always try to to not tell people what to do because that doesn't work you say that to me all
Speaker 4the time we're defiant people when i call anthony and talk to him about it talk to him about whatever i'm going through he will always he'll give me some advice but he'll always end it with i'm not telling you what to do but right and no it's good it's true because i get something from that because when you say let's say you were telling me what to do i'm gonna be like well fuck i'm not doing that you're telling you when someone tells you something to do like you know what i mean like it almost pisses you off and rubs you wrong way but when someone says that like you really take it with a lot more respect like okay you're not telling me to do this but this is what you did
Speaker 3and you know i think it brings us to from a place of like i'm better than you yeah to hey we're on and this is what i did yeah and attraction not promotion i'm not promoting any ideas or i try not to i'm just i'm simply living my life and hopefully people will be like hey i want what you have right because that's what happened to me when i came in i found a guy and a bunch of guys where i was like i want what they have what do i have to do and they told me you know you don't have to do anything but here's what we did right um so you mentioned you know being young in recovery um what what do you do for fun in recovery i know that's a big part of what you do for fun in recovery I know that like a common misconception when people come in here is they're like, my life is over. i i had this too um i'm not gonna be able to do this i'm not gonna be able to do that because you lose a lot of you know jay talked about it last time you lose a lot of friends um or hopefully you lose a lot of using friends and i don't mean to death but like you kind of cut them out and your priorities kind of change um and you have to find new things to do like and i found that i could do everything most things that i did in active addiction sober and still have fun if i like them going to music festivals was an example i love dancing and i was i learned how to do that sober right so um what do you what does fun and recovery look like to you and how do you get past that you know how am i going to not drink and do this or use and do this yeah so speaking of that
Speaker 2that was really hard for me to do as soon as i left treatment um because everything i did for the past three years revolved around drinking like no matter what it was i was drinking um so it was kind of triggering to do certain things like go out for dinner or um go to like an arcade or something because i needed alcohol especially alcohol to be able to actually leave the house because i wasn't confident in myself so after i left treatment it became easier because i gained that confidence and being able to go out there sober um so i'm able to do like i go to the rec room i love that place yeah but it was hard for me at first because like i needed i needed substances to be able to socialize um but i've been able to shift that mindset into like i don't need that i'm perfectly fine the way i am and i'm even better sober i'm not a good person when i'm drinking i'm just i don't want to do anything i'm not a good person when i'm drinking i'm not a good person when i'm drinking i'm just i don't want to do anything i'm not a good person when i'm drinking i'm not a good person when i'm drinking i'm just i don't want to do anything i'm not a good person when i'm drinking i'm not a good person when i'm drinking i'm just i don't want to do anything me too that was great yeah well because you think that you're like hot shit right yeah um but i realized like i didn't even do anything when i was drinking i would just like slump in a freaking couch or a chair and like not socialize i thought that i was socializing with everybody in the room but like i wasn't a person when i was drinking and doing drugs um but i actually have a personality now and i have like that genuine joy you know what i mean um so i'm still able to do stuff i go for walks hikes um i love to do stuff i go for nature um i find that's very therapeutic in itself um yeah hanging out with friends i think
Speaker 3you make a lot of good points there you're you're you talked about perception and that's what it that's what being sober does is it it forces you to you know calling someone all these things that we talked about it just forces you to look at things from a different angle and shift your perspective and that's kind of the point of recovery to what i found today is i'm just trying to alter my perception like every day it's not you know black or white it's not this way it's not boring it's not fun like it could be a multitude of things right and if i look at you know i always ask myself what's my motive behind this but if i go out to the rec room say and that's a great but it's a great example because there's lots of drinking there yes but there's also lots of people just not drinking and having a lot of kids like there's a lot of people not drinking and having a great time and yeah you make a good point it's almost like you have to revisit your childhood and like live like a kid again where you're like i don't care what other people think about me nobody is looking at ashley and saying you know that girl's not drinking like what a fucking loser right like and if they are that's their problem like jay said last time you know it's not my problem like that's their problem they're uncomfortable with me not drinking you know um i'm gonna let them work on that and i'm just gonna be ashley and be anthony and be myself and uh you know i'm gonna attract the right kind of people anyways you know so have you had to cut off any of of those old friends and what was that um so actually i i
Speaker 2got to a point where i wasn't i had isolated myself in my past relationship so it was just me and this person that was doing it together mostly um but i wasn't doing it with anyone i was mainly in my room alone isolating myself um so thankfully i didn't have to worry about that um and my family doesn't drink my friends don't drink um and if they do they can actually handle
Speaker 4it and it doesn't make any sense yeah it literally doesn't it just pisses me i had to cut off someone
Speaker 2um because i think they're going through that um they slept a few weeks ago um so that was tough but you know i have to prioritize myself and my sobriety and you know i learned i can't fix people that was a major thing that was keeping me holding me back was trying to fix other people who didn't
Speaker 3want the help um and it's sad but how did you cut that person off because that's hard right um how did you get to that point i know you battled with that for a while because you called me and talked
Speaker 2to me i did and it was that was a few weeks prior um i just realized like he's not this person isn't giving me what i need and i had spoken to him about how he's like how he treats me affects me and how it hurts me and he still actively made the choice to go and do that um so i came to terms like he doesn't really care like if someone who cares about you won't do something like purposely to hurt you or to harm you um and he needs to work on whatever he's going through and i'm like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know what i'm going through and i wish i'm the best with that but it's definitely a hard decision to make um but through treatment i realized like i have to put myself first because i put others before me for 23 years of my life and it got me to this point right um you mentioned something
Speaker 4that i loved anthony and i and i uh both being a kid kind of like being a kid again someone commented on uh one of my photos of what i like my transformation picture and they're like holy like there's the kid again and i feel that so much because it's like the person you see today like this is what i was like like obviously i'm more mature and grown up now right like you know i have like facial hair and stuff i'm not a kid anymore but i'm like like the laughy jokey happy person that i am i was not like this from like 16 to like 23 like i i fell in a trap and i become like even before like my drug use got real real real real real dark it was i turned into an asshole cocky you know just like all the horrible things but like when i was like growing up as a kid like i this is what i was like and i relate to that so you know what i mean and i remember like i said this lots to people i'm like this is like like this is what i was like when i was a kid so like being sober like and it doesn't make me a kid again and what it does is it just makes me myself again you know what i mean like truthfully through and through myself like even before i started using hard drugs i would smoke pot every single day and i'm not putting saying pot isn't as a hard drug people struggle with marijuana badly out there but for me i'm not saying pot isn't a hard drug i'm not saying pot isn't a hard drug i'm not saying it didn't do to me what other drugs did it i was still somewhat being able to function for a few years before you know it got bad but still when i started smoking weed every day it numbed me out i wasn't myself sat in my house and i wasn't who i am right now right and then it went from weed to you know alcohol to harder drugs like really hard drugs and i completely lost myself like completely i become a completely like i didn't do a 360 i did like a 1080 like you know no like seriously like i become a complete and utter you know i'm not saying pot isn't a hard drug i'm not saying pot isn't a hard drug i'm not saying it took a long time it like it took like not till the end of treatment that i really start like being that person again right and i wasn't treating for three months i'm saying two and a half like like almost 10 weeks until like i started to get like my spark back right and i think that's one of my favorite parts i say that a lot so this is my favorite part that's my favorite part there's just so many great parts there's a lot of gifts right a lot of gifts right the promises are amazing in this and like no it's just being yourself again and like when you're messed up for so long like i'm not saying pot isn't a hard drug i'm not saying pot isn't a hard drug i'm not saying i was messed up for a long time i forgot who i was i forgot i even had it had that in me i just thought this is who i am fuck everybody else that was my was my literal that was my motive i was like fuck everyone else they don't understand they have no idea you know like i know what's going on here that's exactly what i thought exactly through and through that was my mindset right even at my worst days i still had something on my shoulder i don't know what you know and it was just like fuck everybody else they have no idea i relate to that yeah because i always said
Speaker 2to um even pre-addiction i was not a person i was like a shell of a person i didn't have a personality i was numb i was empty inside and then addiction hit me and then it made it worse i have never felt this good about life like and and so long ever since being good probably um and so yeah i
Speaker 4relate to that and like i was actually on the phone with uh my aunt yesterday and like i don't want when you hear people like i don't want people to be confused like like my life is beautiful now it's being sober is so amazing but like sometimes when i hear people say like oh like life is great i don't have no cravings i love my life being sober is awesome i'm never gonna drink again woohoo like sometimes i just want to be like okay settle down a little bit right like i don't are you being honest right now i don't want to fool anyone out there especially people like that that know me from before and think like oh my god like he just stopped using drugs and now like life is just great yeah that's not at all what it is i mean it's a huge part of it don't get me wrong but like i still get stressed out like just like like i i work a job and i have bills to pay like that stresses me out just like any normal person whether it's like i don't have any money i don't have any money i don't have any you use drugs you don't use drugs right like life in general right like i still struggle with plenty of things just basically i have i can deal with it now and before i you use drugs not to deal with it i use drugs to just pretend it didn't exist pretend it didn't exist right so it's honestly if anything maybe it's even a bit more difficult now because i'm actually dealing with these things but i deal with like an adult and i have tools i have friends right i have like but i just don't want people to come out like watch these videos and be like he's lying life's not that great like no life is first of all it is great but you appreciate these things right so that's why we talk about it so much that's why i say like oh like my you just had mentioned my life has never been this good blah blah because you never realized life was good i never just woke up and was like oh my god i can walk to the bathroom and take a pee i never those little things didn't mean shit to me my mom's calling me you know my little brother is talking to me every day like those little things never meant anything to me before so now when i say life is great it's because i appreciate all the beautiful things in life but what i'm getting at here is just when i hear it i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh hear someone say that sometimes I'm just like you're giving off a phony vibe to me don't just say how beautiful it is like life is life life is always going to life you whether you're sober whether you're you know or not sober but it's just when i say when i say and when you say when you say and i know this because i know you guys personally that life is great i know that like you mean that right but that doesn't mean like you just said you're dealing with cutting someone off you know you had an emotional connection with like obviously that affected you you had to you know not just oh i'm sober so none of this shit matters anymore life is great no that's not it at all but you have tools you have resources and you can deal with it now and you wake up the next day and you still appreciate life you know you don't just like
Speaker 2you know what i mean to go along with that it's a shift in mindset instead of being like oh i have to answer this phone call or oh i have to go see my parents or yeah oh i have to go to work it's i get to do that yes we are alive we are another day clean and sober we get to do that and that's what really changed my recovery is learning that and putting that into place in my life yeah yeah
Speaker 3no it's true right it's it doesn't mean that you're not still in the trenches every day right like life is hard and but you're able to see the gifts and be grateful and i do a gratitude list every morning it's one of it's part of my morning routine where it's and sometimes it's coffee and sleep and uh other times it's usually it's relationships my wife you know and just doing it every day it's like oh yeah that is a really good fucking thing in my life too you know it we're at a time now um where we've we've kept really close with the people we went to treatment with we have a whatsapp group and we talk to them every day and it's really positive and i love it and it's very raw and authentic too because people share what they're going through like you talked about um it's kind of we're seeing people start to relapse right and this is a it can be a part of recovery it doesn't have to be a part of recovery but what i what i find so admiring about these you know we saw it the other day that guy amazing you know had two years and he came he relapsed and he came back in and he was just raw and emotional i know from personal experience that it is probably the hardest thing to do in life is to to come back into recovery and i knew i was i always knew in the bottom of my heart that i was going to come back here if i didn't die that's a caveat if i didn't die but i knew that my life was better on this side sure it was hard sure it was you know the the mountain was you know a bit steep to climb uh but we're at a point now where people are starting to relapse and i always admire that they're able to come back and admit it right it's it's not easy and that's because of this
Speaker 4program yeah because the tools they got i said this to you the other day and this is something i've been noticing lots because it's something within myself like i grew up thinking that a strong man was someone who's tough fights doesn't back down you know goes to work every day he's a strong man like that's what i thought right for real and i mean what i've come to realize from seeing it's just from you know the these programs i attend and these people that i'm meeting like i have a lot of experience with people that i've met and i've had a lot of experiences with people that i've met and i've had a lot of work to do in myself to become a strong person because what we've seen the other day i watched this guy right you know big barely strong guy you know nice handsome guy and he gets up there and right vulnerable in front of like there had to been 30 people there and he and he talked about you know two years of sobriety i messed it up i went and used and you could tell he was very shameful about it right i don't i don't know if i could actually do what that guy did you know what i mean and i think i'm a strong tough person but no when i see him and i tell him i was at a fellowship program a couple days prior to this and this guy was getting uh celebrated right for for having one year sobriety and he brought his girlfriend there and this guy that was getting celebrated was a very timid shy guy he didn't even want to do this right people had like said no you need to do this you need to do this so i meet this guy i didn't know who he was before and he brings his his partner with him who is he was sober she's not like you know part of any program or anything but she come to celebrate him and this guy was so shy but he was still very timid and shy and when it comes to for his turn to talk um it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen he gets up in front of a you know probably 40 50 people and he's like you know he starts it off by thanking everyone for coming but then he looks at his partner he says like last year you know i did something really silly and stupid and i hurt you and they both immediately start to cry and he and he powers through it he apologizes to her goes on to thank everyone for coming and you know helping him get through this last year the hardest year of his life and I was sitting there like I almost cried I was like it's so beautiful to see and then after we were done everyone got like a chance to talk to him and I said to him I'm like man I said the same thing I just said I'm like I used to think a tough guy was this this and this but I'm like seeing you talk shows me I have a lot of work left to do because I still don't know if I could do those things even doing this like it sometimes it's not easy to just even phoning you some days and being like hey man like this is you know it's those things aren't things I would have never ever ever done I used to bottle that stuff up inside I never talked about it and I thought doing that was strong I thought I don't need to talk about this bullshit you know what I mean that's that was my attitude but it takes great strength inside of someone to get out there and woman or man doesn't matter I I don't care about that stuff I just think for a person in general to talk about hey like just to say that just to be like you know I was wrong I was wrong right and when I seen that guy the other day Anthony talk like that to that like we I was blown away I'm like like what a strong person to do that and it inspired me to do that and it inspired me to do that and it inspired you to do it yourself right and he said like our group chat it's sad to see you know but it's a reality I don't look at these people like any less than me oh no for having slip-ups you know and then when you see the person you know go for a few days to to a detox and he comes back and he's it's beautiful to see because I can't imagine I don't know what I would do if I went out there and went on a you know put a little show on right now and decided to go mess up I don't know I I don't want to find out and I hope I never have to do but I don't know what would happen I don't know if I would just come back to the group chat and call someone I don't know I hope I would like I just know that that can't be an easy thing to do two days after you do it you go in front of 40 50 people like that guy did opened right up but what that did was he really put him in a good position to help himself out because everyone goes up to him and talks to him and he's there for him but when you don't do that then you're by yourself and you're going to remain by yourself until you do that and it always gets worse it gets worse and worse and you get farther
Speaker 3away from ever talking about it I it took me it's a good point and I always admire that too it took me four months that talk to get back into treatment right I wouldn't even talk about it with anyone except for my close family and no even that I was so ashamed because I had all this time before and I relapsed again for a third time here we go again Anthony I was so ashamed of what everyone was going to do and all they did was just fucking support me that's it nobody ever said you fucked up you're an idiot but in my head that's what they were going to say I was I was sure of it and so it took me four months man that's why I say like getting back and and actually getting back into treatment and I was like I'm done I'm done I don't want to do this anymore my life was so good it was hard but it was so good and it was so much better than living day to day looking for the next high looking for the next fix you know it's never enough yeah one is never you know one is too many a thousand is never enough right so Ashley what you know the the there's someone out there I'm sure that's in an abusive relationship been through abusive relationships been through trauma that you know similar to yours and I'm sure that's someone out there that's been through abusive relationships been through trauma that you know similar to yours and I'm sure that's someone out there that's been through abusive relationships been through trauma that you know similar to yours and I'm sure that's someone out there that's been through abusive relationships been through trauma that you know similar to yours
Speaker 2maybe going through addiction but doesn't know what to do what would you say to that person honestly I'd say reach out reach out to people the only way that this program is working for me is when I'm honest and vulnerable about what I'm going through and the emotions and the pain that I'm feeling because it stops me from using in terms of an abusive relationship it's very very tough to leave but I saw a quote yesterday and it was hopefully I don't butcher this but no matter what you do no matter how loving you are how kind you are how nice you are to an individual you'll never be enough for the wrong person and that hit me did not butcher that that was great yeah and I saw that and I was like this is coming up right at this bit like the right time for me to come on to this podcast and to you know put that out there because I had to realize that that took me it took me three four years to realize that and I was like this is coming up right at this bit like the right time for me to come on to this podcast and to you know put that out there because I had to realize that that took me it took me three four years to realize that and I was like this is coming up right at this bit like the right time for me to come on to this podcast and to you know put that out there because I had to realize that that took me it took me three four years to realize that
Speaker 4and I just want to help the next person realize it before you know it's too late and that's amazing I'm gonna say this you it's so hard to talk about like we've all mentioned a few times it's hard to talk about but look at you you come here today to this podcast you were nervous you didn't want to do it you started talking you got and it gets easier just anything in life you just got to do it just like going to the gym you know just like anything anything it gets easier over time right but this specifically mental health and addiction and abusive relationships trauma like
Speaker 2it's hard to do it's something you don't want to do it's something you've never done but just give it a shot you know because it changed my life and I know it changed your life and I know it changed your life you never know what's gonna happen and I had to change I told I think I told you about this I had to change the mindset from being selfish and putting my like I don't want to do this I don't want to do this and it's not about me necessarily it's about helping the next person and that's what the fellowship is all about right I guess I'm nervous to come up here but when I'm facing my own fears I'm proving to myself that I can do something that I can't do
Speaker 5that helps me but it's also helping another person out there who's struggling who may have may not have or may have gone through the same things and I just wanted to be that light and be like you know what it does get better and you know you don't have to keep living as a victim you are a survivor and you will get through this well said thank you so much Ashley for coming on thank you love you thank you love you guys thanks for listening please help us grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content the discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only this content is not a substitute for professional medical advice addiction treatment or therapy if you are someone you know is If you are struggling with addiction, please consult a licensed physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional. You are no longer alone.
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