Speaker 1One of my favorite things to talk about in addiction recovery is surrender. Such an important part of getting sober, but for the longest time, I thought it meant giving up, waving the white flag, losing, forfeiting. My ego didn't like that. Our egos don't like this surrender, let go thing, and it's hard to do. Yeah, you tell me I need to surrender. Okay, but what does that mean? What does that look like? How do I practically put this into my life? How do I practice this in my life? What do I do? I want to surrender, but I don't know how to do it. And then once you get sober, there's parts of your recovery in your life where you have to constantly surrender. If you're in 12-step recovery, surrender is a huge part of it, of I don't run the show anymore. I'm not in management. I need to leave it up to God, the universe, higher power, and I need to just do the work. I like to think of it this way. It's like I'm rowing the boat, but God, the universe, higher power is direct. The ship. I don't get to choose where we're going, but I need to show up and do the action. So I want to talk about surrender and hopefully clarify and help maybe somebody wrap their head around how to surrender on a daily basis. And maybe if you're not surrendered to recovery yet, and you're still in active addiction, how to get to the other side and to start surrendering your addiction. The irony is that surrender was the thing that finally let me stop losing. When I went to my third rehab, I finally gave up, I gave my wife all my drugs and I said, I'm ready to go. I'm done. I'm done manipulating. I'm done finagling. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done. Welcome back or welcome to recovering out loud podcast. My name is Anthony. I'm an alcoholic addict in recovery with a year and a half sober. I've been in recovery since 2015, and I'm grateful you're here today. What surrender is not the everyday meaning defeat, quitting, going limp, rolling over. That's the version that kept me away from it for years. I don't want to give up. I don't want to just feel like I have no power in anything. It's hard. My ego doesn't like that. I want to feel like I have control and agency in my life. Surrender does not equal giving up. Giving up is passive. You stop trying. Surrender is active. You stop fighting the wrong fight so you can start the right one. Yeah. Fight. Fighting the wrong fight so that you could start the fighting the right one. You can't be the general in war, the soldier and the enemy all at once. Surrender versus just going along with it. So a psychiatrist, Dr. Harry Tybo worked closely with early 12 step recovery and wrote this in the 1950s, his distinction surrender versus compliance. He called the shallow version submission compliance slash submission equals going through the motions, following the rules, but privately keeping a date in your head for when you'll go back to how things work, this sort of conditional surrender. That's kind of the way I look at it. It's like, yeah, but we're going to do it on my terms. Surrender equals the internal shift where you stop reserving that exit. And this is from surrender versus compliance and therapy, 1953, the ego factors in surrender and alcoholism, 1954. So compliance to me, compliance submission, it feels performative. It feels like I'm just doing it to get my way. I'm doing it to get the heat off and yeah, I mean, compliance. I was very compliant when I went to rehab the first time, even the third time, all three times I was compliant, I wanted the heat off. I didn't really want to go for me. I just wanted everybody just to leave me alone and I wanted the pain to stop. And I knew I had to the second and third time. The first time it was definitely pure compliance and submission. I finally alcohol and drugs. Beat me into a state of reasonableness at some point though, in rehab, I came to a point where I actually had to let go. And I think the difference is when I started to realize that this was the right way, hope started to come back in my life, I started to see people getting sober and being happy, and then I felt different. I felt happy and the counselors started to make sense. Things started to click. I wanted what they had. And so they, I had to do what they did. And that was a moment where. I actually started letting go and letting go was fine. I'll stay an extra 60 days. Letting go was fine. I'll go to a sober house after, even though I don't want to fine. I'll do, I just stopped. And I said, I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I'm going to do this. Anyways, I complied for a long time before I surrendered from the outside. They look identical. Only, you know, when the difference is why it's tied to hitting bottom and ego. So tie boats observation, surrender tends to follow the moment someone feels genuinely out of options. Yeah, I think it's, I'm going to screw this up, but I'm pretty sure decision, the, the word decision. So when you make a decision to enter recovery or to do the steps or to do whatever you need to do to get sober, follow someone else. Decision comes from a Latin term that basically means to cut out all the options. It's not exactly that, but it's, you are removing all the other options and you're left with one. That's what a decision is. This. This includes your plan. I'm removing my plan and following someone else's plan. So the room's call hitting rock bottom is genuinely out of options. Hopeless, not because pain is required, but because the ego runs out of moves. Yeah, I can totally relate to that. My ego had nowhere else to hide, nowhere else to run. There was nowhere, no more manipulating to be done because I was exhausted and it was going to be too hard to keep up this show, this act, this performance in addiction. This stage character, it was exhausting to live double life, a double life.
Speaker 2Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible. And this space starts with Ultra Fit. Unlike traditional running shoes, Ultra Fit gives toes more room to move naturally. So every step is strong, balanced, and comfortable. Whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there with Ultra. Shop now at Ultra Running. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com.
Speaker 3Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com for more information. Rep number 10004.
Speaker 1Rock bottoms aren't a competition and you don't have to lose everything. Some people get there without catastrophe. Surrender isn't one and done. Oh yeah, tell me about it. This is not a flip. This is not a switch that we flip on and we're good for life. Much like recovery, I don't just wake up and say, I'm going to recover for the rest of my life. I'm going to choose higher power. I'm going to choose recovery today. I'm going to choose recovery. I'm going to choose not Anthony's will and I'm going to choose helping others. I'm good for life now. It doesn't work like that. The one people miss and it's this in the same literature, a single surrender isn't enough. It's a slate. You return. It's a state you return to not a box. You check once in practice, catching the old fight when it comes back and choosing to put your hands down again, traffic, a resentment, a craving somewhere where you had to resurface. Think about it. How many times you have to resurrender in your week. A perfect example of this is traffic. Another good example of this is traveling anywhere. If you travel a lot, you are constantly at the will of airlines in the airport and you can choose to fight and try to control things you can't control or let go and accept and surrender. This is where the serenity prayer comes in so often and I love it. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't control. Not change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I need to have the wisdom to know the difference between the two, but I need to accept everything right away as it happens. The quicker I accept outcomes, circumstances, things in my life, the less time I spend fighting it or imposing my will or disagreeing or, or being angry, the better my life goes. The smaller I can make that space between said event stimulus. The smaller I can make that space between said event stimulus. And my reaction, my surrender, my acceptance, the better my life gets. I accept first, then I can decide whether it's something I can control, should control or something I should leave alone and is better left without my fingerprints all over it. A good example of this for me right now is getting off of TRT, testosterone replacement therapy. I did a lot of steroids. Now I'm trying to, I've been on testosterone because my body doesn't produce it naturally. So I'm on the medication to level out my testosterone levels. I'm trying to get off of it now. It's hard as fuck. I hate it. There's so much that's not in my control. I'm going to lose muscle. I'm going to not be able to be motivated at the gym. My sleep's going to get harmed for, I'm spinning all these stories that might happen because they've happened for other people, but I need to do this thing. I want to get off of it. I've been wanting to get off of it for a while. I have a good program now where I feel confident to do that, that I'm not worried about my mental health, taking a beating. I'm connected. It's something I want to do. There is so much out of my control. the cost of the medication, my insurance, whether it covers it or not, how often I have to do what I have to do to get off of it. And if it'll work, if, if I might, if I'm going to be able to get my testosterone back, it's a whole thing. I am trusting the process. I'm doing what needs to be done and I'm letting go. I don't know what the outcome is going to be. Hopefully it'll be best case scenario. I know it will be, but my brain likes to tell me, my ego likes to tell me that it's not, it's going to be the worst case scenario and I'm going to die. Faith, let go, let God. What surrender looks like on a Tuesday, asking for help before I had it figured out, taking a suggestion I didn't agree with, letting something be someone else's job or someone else's outcome, sitting with a feeling instead of fixing it or numbing it right away, inviting it in. Maybe I had a therapist at my rehab always tell me, whenever she wants, I want you to think about anxiety and depression, maybe even fear too. Like friends trying to come over for coffee. They're knocking on your door. They're there. Invite them inside for coffee. You can board up the doors of your house, but they're going to stay there. They're going to bang and break down. Eventually might as well let them in. Hear what they have to say. They'll be gone before you know it. Don't make them an unwanted guest. Invite them in. Be courteous. Be hospitable to your anxiety, fear, and depression, and then watch them leave. Watch them come and watch them go. Surrender didn't cost me my fight. It gave me back the energy I was burning up foolishly on the unwinnable one. Something that I really want to get home to the listener who's white knuckling it right now. Maybe someone that's struggling. If you're struggling, compliance counts as a start. I can't stress that enough. Compliance was a start for a lot of us to get in here. Submission was a start for a lot of us. Fine. I'm going to do this thing, but I'm still going to drink later. I don't have any plans of quitting. It's a good start. It'll get you in the door. And then hopefully you'll move into surrender one day. And really in your innermost self, accept the fact that I am an alcoholic addict and I'm never going to be able to drink normally again. And that's okay. I'm happy with that today. I'm actually grateful for it because it's given me a life that I, couldn't have imagined. It's given me a kit, a kit of tools, spiritual tools that I never would have gotten. My life is amazing today. It's not perfect, but I'm connected. People want me around again. And I'm not thinking about drugs and alcohol all the time. I'm not paralyzed by fear. I'm not broke all the time. I'm not spending money on drugs and alcohol. I'm not making useless interactions with people in small talk and pretending that I have friends. People want to be around me. My family loves me again. And is around. Not that they, I shouldn't say that. They always loved me, but they're around and they want to be around. They want me around, but I had to submit. I had to wave the white flag at first. And then I had to resurrender daily. Like I said, it's not a switch that you flip this faith recovery surrender thing. I am constantly surrendering to outside circumstances. That is a good day for me in recovery. The more I can surrender to outside circumstances, and then decide whether I should act on it or not, the better my life is, the easier my life is, the quieter my life is. It's the great paradox in recovery. The more you surrender, the more freedom you actually get. The more you surrender, the more peace you actually get and quiet and relief and reprieve. I always like the analogy of Japan when the US attacked them, bombed them in Hiroshima. Japan surrendered. At that time. And they surrendered without any conditions. They just surrendered. Japan grew and became one of the most strong countries in the world. Today they're flourishing, but it was only because they surrendered at that time that they were able to rebuild. They were able to reconstruct and reconnect and grow. And now they're one of the strongest societies ever. One of the healthiest, but it started with surrender. Unconditional surrender. I'm going to trust that this thing's going to work out and I'm not going to have any conditions. I'm not going to put my will on it at all. I'm just going to surrender over and over and over again and admit that I might be wrong. And my ego is trying to run the show. And I'm not in management anymore today. I am simply a worker bee. And that is a beautiful thing. It doesn't mean that I can't manage people in work. It doesn't mean I can't succeed in life and be a striver. It just means there are things that I can't manage. And I can't out of my control in this world and will always be out of my control. Like outcomes. The sooner I accept that, the better my life gets, the happier I get, the more peaceful I get, the easier I am to be around, the quieter my mind gets. You don't have to force the deeper thing today. Just submit one thing. Acceptance and surrender are powerful, powerful tools in recovery and in life. They bring peace and serenity. Which is, in my opinion, the best drug you can get. Serenity is a beautiful thing. And maybe your boredom is unappreciated serenity today. Peace and serenity is not something that you strive for, seek. It is something that you choose by eliminating all the things you can't control, eliminating all the fight that is pointless, the fight that you won't win. Like controlling traffic. Or controlling other people's behaviors or opinions. Let go. If no one has told you this yet today, I love you. And remember, recovery is simple.
Speaker 3This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy. For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings. It's called Free Nights in Cool Summer. You get free nights every night, all year long. Plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. It's a first of its kind plan. Created for how Texans actually use energy. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights in Cool Summer. TXU Energy. Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com for more information. Rep number 10004.
Speaker 4This is your home, coach. Home of the Save. Join for just $20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer. New members only. BJ's. Home of the Save.
Speaker 1Full. Not easy.
PodcastTranscript AI