150: Surface of the Moon with Kelsey Cook | Soder Podcast | EP 146

Hey everybody, I'm still on the road, casual lean. I'm in Portland, Maine, September 10th through the 12th at Empire Comedy Club. The early shows are sold out, but we still have late shows with tickets available. Those are at DanSutter.com. And then if you're in Hartford, Connecticut, my birthplace, I will be there September 17th through the 21st doing five shows, no, I'm sorry, that's way too many days. I'm there the 17th through the 19th. Didn't mean to give you false information. I will be there Thursday, September 17th, Friday, September 18th, and Saturday, September 19th. DanSutter.com, there are gonna be a lot of fun shows. Also, just go to my website. All the dates are there through the end of the year. And check out punchup.live. Got movie watch-alongs. You can also sign up for my mailing list so when I come to your city, you already know. And these little intros don't mean jack squat. Enjoy the episode. Have a good week. I'm always curious about this. A question I've never got to ask you about the foosball hustling. Has it ever gotten dangerous? Has there ever been a time where you go like, or someone loses and you go, this could be bad? Yeah, you know, I'm trying to think. Not dangerous, but there are men who you can tell that they're not chill about it. Yeah, I don't think, and I'm saying this, I greatly understand. But someone being like cocky at a bar game and then losing money in a hustling way. Hustling, being hustled in general would make me furious. Well, for sure. And then it's like, people are generally drinking. And so also in like this day and age, Venmo, it's not like people are only putting money on the table from like what they have in their wallet. Sure. As soon as someone gets their Venmo out, I'm like, oh, I'm worried for you. Like, I don't. I don't know if you know your own limits here because I will, I'll take your whole bank account. Have you done that? Have you had to like cut someone off like a bartender where they're like, do it again. And you're like, no, this can't happen. I can't keep taking your money. I'm worried for like your kids. Like, am I taking away food from your table right now? Because I guess in my mind, it goes to like the worst place scenario where like someone's wife is calling you and being like, he lost our child's dental fund. And you go, well, he said no spinnies. And that would have helped them because you are, you grew up, your mom was a professional. It was a professional foosball player. Both my mom and my dad. That's how they met. Damn, dude. They met at a tournament. I think we've talked about this before, but that is such a cool, like you were born in the way that like old Vikings were born. Where it was like, you were written about. Like you were prophesized. It's so, it's such a like white trash origin story. It's like my Guy Fieri, like coming out of the flames. I do love it though that you are, you are your parents meet at a foosball tournament. Yeah. Were they, did they play each other? God, I don't know. I don't know if that's how it actually started or if it was just like they were. So I just wonder if your dad had a line where he's like great wrist work. And she's like, all right, who are you? You're like a rough, I guess. That's all that. He's like scary hand jobs. Yeah, he goes, you look like you, like you got the strength of a chimp. You can just tear it right off. Did you, when they. Did they push you to play foosball? Yeah. So there are pictures of me staying on a stool when I'm like two. And so I could be tall enough to see the top of the table. And then they would put their hands on top of my hands and teach me how to play. So it's like, before I even have memories, there are pictures of me playing. I had no choice, but I mean, I love it so much. I'm so grateful. Yeah, sure. Okay. Sure. Michael Jackson. You got Joe Jackson into foosball. They tiger mom you. I was beaten if I didn't play. They were tiger momming you being like, now you kick. Now you grow up and you're like, I love this. It's like, I don't know when you were, did you notice when you, you know, you started to, I would probably say kids start playing foosball like eight. Were you already nasty? There are pictures of me playing. Like, so my mom was a high school French and German teacher. She was my high school French teacher, which is nuts. She would take it Spanish. No, she was the fucking best. Oh really? She was a teacher that everybody loved. Oh, that's. That's great. I had a couple of classmates whose parents were the teachers that people hated and I felt so bad for those people. Oh, cause you also, I'm assuming if your parent is a teacher, you know, pretty quick if people like them or not. Yeah. Yeah. There's definitely like the reputation in the hallways of like your mom's cool. Your dad fucking sucks. Your dad failed me or what I like. That sucks. Is it, especially when in high school you're just like, you want people to like you, your reputation is everything. And it, I, you could tell it like tarnish some people's reputation. If their parent was a teacher who was an asshole. Just the thought of like being like pulling your mom aside and being like, Hey, can you fucking lay up on the tests? You're fucking, I can't get invited to a party. You're fucking really. Cause it is. I'm trying to lose my virginity out here. You're fucking this. I'm going to be, I'm going to have a dry high school unless you start fucking really get thrown out some bees to people that don't deserve it. But that is a thing where you really do think about it. Like the popularity mixed with the fact of your parent being at work. So your mom was fun. She was cool. So she would play German rap. That's crazy. Like blast from the speakers in her classroom on the first day of school. That was like how she would welcome her new. That's an aggressive form of rap. Rammstein. Oh yeah. That's not German rap. That's just fucking, that's just Rammstein dude. Your mom would play do host. Yes. Oh my God. I hadn't heard those words in so long. I completely forgot that that was a song. The parts where it goes, I don't know German, but I just know do host. That's scary shit. That was my mom. Okay. I get why she was a favorite teacher. If I was walking by a class in my backpack and I'd be like, she's got, she's dressed like the lead singer. Have you ever seen their stage performances? No, probably a long time ago. Please look this up. Rammstein's live performance. They like light themselves on fire. This isn't like a band that like is sitting around in turtlenecks. This isn't fucking sprockets. This is like, they like were known for their live performances. Oh my God. I did not realize. Honestly. And this is, I don't know if you and Chad ever do like edibles or whatever. We're so boring. We stopped drinking like almost two and a half years ago. And then we haven't even done anything else since. Maybe you guys find your way to having five milligram edibles. If you're going to have a little, maybe even two, if you're a great singer. Just a pinch. Just a little pinch. Put on Rammstein. Cause you'll know it. Well, I feel like that's going to give me the worst trip. Imagine. Yeah. That's what they would do. I can't watch that high. Yeah, you can. I'll die. That's terrifying. This is how we make you a mental giant. This is your training. This is you and Chad's training. I'm going to make you guys marijuana warriors. But watch Rammstein. Take me to the depths of hell. Yeah. You guys. Yeah. The only way back is through Rammstein. But splice that under the video. So people can talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. The dude just walks around in a flaming fucking jacket. Oh my God. Oh dude. That used to be early YouTube for me. Smoking resin and fucking watching Rammstein. It's crazy. Your mom would blast that on the first day. Oh my God. I would have taken German because of your mom. If I would have heard that. So many kids did just because my mom was a German teacher. She would play wolf mother. It's great. She, she just was like, she was just so cool. Like always been such a cool mom, such a cool teacher. But yeah, I mean, there was a kid. So it never, you never had the. The thing of like, Oh, your mom's like, everyone's like, Oh, your mom's. So when they found out they were like, okay, did you have like older kids being cool to you because of that? Yeah. Because so that you were asking about foosball, we would say it. I hate that she has a proper. You know what? There isn't one. You can say it's a foosball or foos. I have asked my mom, she's like, it's either way for some. She just always says foosball. And so I said, again, quick note before we get back to the story of foosball, if you're hustling, people use foosball because if I heard someone go, Oh, I'll play you in foosball. I go, why'd you say it like that? Something's awry here. If you would, I'll play a little foosball and go, fuck you. You're going to take my fucking money. Not to lose my Roth IRA a little bit aside that I'm willing to touch and I might lose all of it. So with high school, with, yeah, my mom. She started the foosball club at the high school. So she got a table there and she would teach kids how to play sick. And so I would come over from the elementary school because it was like walkable. So I would play after school against the high school boys when I was like in fourth grade and I would beat them. And so that was, but again, I know that sounds like cocky. It is truly the only thing in my life that I have such an unfair advantage of. Well, you were born into, it was truly, you were born at the gym. It's like this. It's like the, it's like how kids of like martial arts instructors or kids of like boxing coaches, you know, you just know how to do it. You either really take to it or you hate it. And my brother and I both loved it so much. So that's what I was going to ask your, your brother with a older, younger, so I'm the oldest. So what's that sibling rivalry when you're beating him at fistball? Oh, my brother can beat me. My brother's really good. Is he better than you? This is the ultimate question. - Here's where we tear families apart. i don't know now send this to her brother he doesn't really play anymore now you could whoop his ass i think it'd still be pretty evenly matched now man but for like thanksgiving dinner for like his family and where you and chad sit at the table it should be a foosball game oh fuck yeah like you need to incorporate it into family events for seating and this is just because i'm an only child and i've always wanted sibling rivalry but i feel like awesome i haven't even pictured that that would be nice yeah just a casual just like kicking it around between some gravy yeah i mean there's no casual foosball in our house with that would be my that's my next question did it get hyper competitive yeah i mean we're a super competitive family all of us it was always weird to play against each other because we knew you like come to know each other's game and your shots so it's like it's very different than just playing something and then you're like oh my god i'm gonna play against each other and then you're playing against each other and then you're like oh my god i'm gonna play against each other and then you're like oh my god i'm gonna play against each other and then you're playing against each other and then you're like oh my god i'm gonna play against somebody you've never played before but my brother and my mom went to france together to compete in the world cup of foosball so my mom was in the senior division and my brother was in the like the junior division i was in the i couldn't make it because it was like you're in the biggest pool of people competing against yeah so where you were was like the real deal shit where you would have bumped into like real pros yeah yeah i was not i was not making those qualifications but he he used to be really good he's still really good so they go to france for the world cup did they either one of them place i'm trying to remember it's been a long time i think they did us usually like does pretty well that's so crazy that there's like a u.s foosball team and there's just like i what i always love about it and i think this is something that um i learned from like or didn't learn but just love from like christopher guest movies okay he always does like the weird you know like best in shows about dogs mighty wind is about folk i always love something that's like there's a whole world i'm a pro wrestling fan that's the same thing right yeah there's like a whole world of stuff that people in the regular world would go like what i know and we want so badly to get the sport out there more we just had okay so there was a documentary called foosballers that came out in 2020 okay that was incredible the guy did such a good job joe hustling uh uh my mom and i are both in it great and then they broadcast this was like a show and i was like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm like a week ago the world championships from last year on espn2 so that was exciting for us you're not on the ocho anymore i guess it technically was the ocho but they played on espn2 but it says the ocho on there but it's a real thing now i know the ocho like dodgeball made fun of it and espn was like we'll just do it we'll just fucking own this yeah that is the smart that's one of the only smart things that company has done it's like we'll just lean into having obscure sports espn even though we don't have three three seven guys these cell phone bills are getting out of hand i had the reason i'm laughing is because this is an edit because i said the company i'm with and i'm furious and i'm switching but it is true this is why this is a good ad read because this is absolutely true mint mobile 15 bucks a month premium wireless all plans come with high speed data unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5g network you can choose between three six or 12 months plans so they're they're not huge commitment say 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need a little bifocals i'm probably going by in my 40s and i'm getting bifocals but warby parker one-stop shop you can go get your eyes checked you can get the prescription and pick out a stylish pair of glasses because when i do come back to wearing glasses you are in trouble i'm gonna be looking like an old professor i'm gonna be looking i'm gonna be taking it off being like excellent point but right now buy one pair of glasses get 20 off any additional pairs at warby parker.com slash soda that's 20 off any additional pairs when you purchase just one pair at w-a-r-b-y parker.com slash soda warby parker.com slash soda go get a pair so every time you buy one they donate one makes you feel pretty good so have good vision and sleep good at night warby parker.com slash soda i always think it's interesting because there's like in these worlds it's like big deals right remember when the meme got popular of the pro bowler when he was going whoever you are i am and everyone's like pro bowling's crazy it's like well if you grew up with a family member working at a bowling alley you know how crazy that world is like bowling was way more mainstream than foosball but like absolutely yeah that side world and i didn't my dad was a bartender at a bowling alley i could have been oh really and i just didn't want to do it i learned how to i know how to do the toss where it where it moves where you put english on it okay but i like literally all i wanted to do was go outside and play like catch and he was like well i'm working all day so you can bowl for free and i was like it's for fat but now you're fucking nachos yeah i know but now if i would have i feel like that would have been a cool thing like if i would have followed the path you've gone down yeah just to casually go bowling with friends and be like you guys want to put 100 bucks on it yeah bowl straight a couple and be like i'm doing good and then start ripping that leg too that's exactly what i did with foosball it is so fun to just because it's easy to look bad yeah and you could you could do the the granny a couple times just like and just or gutter it a couple and then just like yeah i'm doing good and go like it won't go straight and someone's like i'll play you and you go okay and you pull out the wrist thing and you go you're about to be in big big trouble i have the bigger the rose in the ball i go sorry i had this in the car yes that's exactly what's like then you pull out your like foosball grip glove yeah and you're like you have a grip glove yes it's like open your venmo motherfucker like so when you put the glove on do you go i only do cash it's like a fun thing to go just to let you know i will not accept credit we we um after i fell after i taped the netflix special in san francisco we drove up and recorded where lakeport was and we i wanted to show them the bowling alley and we turned the corner in the parking lot and it's just demolished like recently demolished just like a thing and i was like damn because i wanted to try to look inside because one of my memories i have is when my dad would be working and i'd be hanging out the bowling alley kids like local rural kids would show up and they'd be nasty at bowling and that's i think i got intimidated out of it kids with rat tails just rolling like rolling 225s and you're like you're like nine did you ever see a kid at a foosball tournament that you're like oh you're locked in yeah so there was a guy i mean he wasn't he wasn't as young as me but when he was doing it he was known as billy the kid because he was like please look him up billy the kid food billy the kid billy pappas billy pappas incredible he might be in the hall of fame by now but for a while he was getting first at like every tournament and he was maybe 17 or 18 he was young and then he was also going to like the world series of poker and like dominating there he just was he really had like yeah autism for obscure things where he's just locked in but did you find him yeah yeah So good you look at him now it looks like he runs a vape shop that's crazy shout out billy i wasn't but he is a legend he is listed as a legendary american professional foosball player oh it's fucking low from fucking massachusetts oh that's so funny that accent where he's like hey there's no fucking spinnies no fucking spinnies kid that's crazy reach the final table of the prestigious 2014 world series of poker yeah finishing fifth place okay i mean he is decorated i'm telling you there are people and i am one of like many foosball kids where it's like lots of there are lots of couples in the foosball world who have kids and then they raise them and the most recent world championships um the girl who took first solo vin roux is like the daughter of two foosball players she's like really young she's maybe like 20 or something. Yeah. This happens a lot where it's just like a foosball household. and they get really good is this is you know obviously pure ignorance because i don't know the world of foosball but is there money in foosball now because of places like draft kings and cal she and like because that money you can gamble on foosball it's true i don't know how much gambling is going on with it if any but it is we're like again trying to get more eyeballs on the sport because it used to like in the 70s that was the heyday it was a million dollar tour one of the years in the 70s we're like that was the prize 20 million now yeah yeah that was the prize money spread out amongst those tournaments that year and like if you took first you were winning like a jaguar the car not like a live animal in foosball that's just like hold on hold on hold on sorry i got this thing it's just like fucking i always feel like that needs to be specified um they go we can't pay but we got you a cat how do you feel about a big cat it is a very tiger king vibe in the driving off in a jaguar yeah or a porsche like it was it was a totally different time it used to be i think in the documentary it was like the eighth biggest sport in the world at one point it was it used to be huge is there a foreign country that has like a huge foosball thing is like pakistan like super into it or something um belgium uh spain france so there are mostly like western europe is super into places where soccer is so huge because it's table soccer that makes sense inside can't play soccer play some foosball yeah well i'm reading about one billy pappas aka billy the kid he and dude this guy won the tornado what's tornado format so tornado is it's like the most widely recognized table it's like i think the number one top of the line one it's it's like what chad and i have at home it's a heavy it's just like a really high quality table when you guys bought your house because you moved to minneapolis obviously she bet on the show and getting you guys are getting married soon sunday no way that is awesome thank you this is such a crazy this she just got married oh yeah this episode's coming out on tuesday okay yeah it just came out in where are you guys getting married in spokane i'm in spokane this weekend i'm working spokane comedy club i swear to god you could have been more efficient oh that would have been so fun i would have charged a full table i would have charged for a tornado table on top of the line my dad is marrying us which is very sweet that's so fun is he gonna play the trumpet no we're only doing 20 people that's that's sick and i could have it's like just immediate family are you guys gonna be in come do kiss it oh my god that's so funny i didn't even think about that you and chad are gonna be in fucking spokane me and chad are gonna be in tom thakar are gonna be there oh i love him yeah okay we're gonna go see spider-man we're getting married we're getting married we're getting married as a new spider-man so you so it's not your weekend now it's all of our weekend this is so funny okay um seriously come by okay we'll we just need to make sure that like we get the family stuff done we need to literally i'm talking about if you guys have everything done i'll be there thursday okay even if you guys want to come by thursday or friday okay you you and chad on the show would be fucking awesome i'm also doing new stuff so i need the time we'll just each do a casual 25 yeah i know well guys that was great anyways here's one joke you've never heard all right that's all right i gotta go um that's so funny thanks because i was gonna say something because you're doing the podcast i was like oh i'm in spokane this week oh my god that's yeah so this week my netflix special comes out tuesday well it's already out by the time you guys hear this and then we're getting married sunday it's like the most exciting week a lot of stress it's so yes it's like i had to break things up a little bit leading up to it and be like okay how can i check things off beforehand to do list wise so that when this week came i could enjoy it and not totally stress out so tomorrow you go back to minneapolis then you all go to spokane and on friday that's yeah that is a week that's a hell of a week that's so fun but your monday is gonna be like this oh you're gonna be like i'm gonna fucked up yeah this is like such an unnatural amount of like adrenaline and dopamine right now it's gonna be a weird come down next week so when you guys bought the house in minneapolis you were like we need a tornado you know he's so sweet he surprised me with it it was it was a christmas fucking what it was a christmas gift perfect he's the best top of the line so it says back to billy the kid you won the tornado format men's single what is itss um international table soccer federation crazy it's so funny that you just see you get tiger again these were quizzes given to me what about what's the wcs is that world championships world championship soccer maybe because it said he won the men's single itsf wcs in 05 06 09 and 2013 this guy's got rings he's unbelievable you should do the michael jordan picture oh yeah you guys should look up um tony spreaderman he's like oh i see it right now and this is my question about him oh okay i was gonna bring him up he often partners with tony spreaderman and glenn murray does that mean anything glenn murray a name for doubles okay and so that's like an unbeatable tony spreaderman tony spreaderman is the i think winningest male in foosball maybe yeah he's yeah it's like playing several world championships tornado worlds in 08 finished second and early dude this guy he's the global spokesperson for fireball table yeah i don't know if he still does this but for a while he was living in an rv and he would just travel to every single tournament in the country take first everywhere and that's his living like that's awesome people can make an actual living yeah would that be um do you think that'd be something that you would do for retirement like you know what i mean like you guys are like you guys you and chad are retired you're like hey we're off the road or whatever and then you're like you want to just travel around and watch me beat people at fucking foosball god i think whatever i do in retirement is not going to involve travel that's like i'm sure you feel like touring once you get to the places it's great but the act of flying your body around or god forbid driving it around in an rv for ever like would you ever do a tour bus i don't think so i wouldn't i can't sleep on those i can't either then we did the burt that's when bobby fell off the bunk you were on that bus yes holy shit so for those of you that don't remember we were on the burt fully loaded tour in 2024 and bobby lee came on for a weekend he got there the first night killed it yeah and then the next thing i know is i was on burt's bus and i just remember waking up and leanne being like bobby had an accident he had to go to the hospital and i was like what he tried hopping out of his bed he was on the bunk on the top very very top they're really high up there yeah those tour buses get real fucking crazy how high up they get and he fell off the whole thing and like smashed his nose did you hear it it was his lip his lip oh it was his lip that's right that's right um i'm trying i think i did hear something but i didn't know what it was and then but like chad had been like tending to him and helping and stuff but it was the tour bus thing is not i don't think i could do it chad and i i think it was the first night we were like oh maybe it'd be like romantic if we shared one let's try sharing one and then it was like sleeping in a fucking coffin that's what i was just gonna say it was in zero no not enough when you go to roll over and your shoulder's like right there and you're like hey fucking move there's no way two people can get into that it was truly like foley had to like spoon and not move the entire time you're just like oh my god i'm so hot but there was there was a moment and like and some people love it like you talk to some people they get on tour buses and they go i sleep better do you sleep well on them you're on them all the time eat an edible in your sleep okay for me it felt like uh like in like a coffin like i'd get in and then for me what fucked me up was hearing the treads of the road because it's like are we driving off the road and then i've tried falling asleep are we driving on the road yeah or you hit a pothole or something it's just like a very yeah i don't know i'm not like a sturdy gal like i hit a pothole i'm fucking flying you know what i mean well with me on the tour every time we would stop that's when i would fall asleep so they'd be like we got to the next city and my body back and they'd be like wake up we gotta do activities i'd be like i didn't sleep all night this is crazy so i was like sleep deprived being like i had like a mini mental breakdown at one point on that where i was just like crying to chat i was like i'm so tired yeah i just like i need to sleep in like a normal bed you know when you're just like you get to a point where nothing's actually wrong but you're like i just i'm not built for this yeah you feel like a sick kid yes i was just like whiny i was like i can't big j put me on the game early when i did the one weekend in 2023 that was when he told me he goes listen they're gonna not tell you you need to do this he goes every city get a hotel room he goes that's right because then you take a nap you have a shower and those naps were those were hitting every city you need them because it's not like you're not getting any sleep but then you're just gonna like walk around and like get dinner at night it's like you're performing in front of 10 000 people when you like want to be clear-headed and it's just it's wild there were huge shows and it's i mean it was so much fun but bert has you doing stuff all during the day right so it's not like you're just waking up and just lounging on the bus napping you're like waking up he's like we're racing for go-karts here's a camera we're gonna put the camera on you and you're like dude i remember they woke me up and they were like hey you want to come do morning radio bert's doing morning radio and i went no and i rolled over and then pete again went hey bert's saying come upstairs and i was like and i just like went up and i was like it's like come say hi to your family downstairs energy i was like hi everybody i'm super sleepy but that tour was fun as hell it's really fun you did a lot we did a lot of fun shit so you wouldn't do a tour bus rental car and then hotel that's what we did on the tour maybe like if it was a theater tour and then you could just like go between cities of visual just one-nighters yeah yeah i could do that that was that was what i found worked the best but even that was stressful what's like your maximum drive that you would do in a car for a day six hours still too much you know i i could i think we did there was a couple cities where we did like oh it was the weekend of skank fest that's why i was so tired we did like it was like uh milwaukee to madison it was like five hours every day in the car shows every night and then on sunday we had to wake up at like three in the morning to take a flight to atlanta to go to new orleans for skank fest and then we got skank fest and everyone's like why are you guys so fucking tired you haven't been here all weekend and you're like i was in a different city every night for four nights dad was working yeah i was fucking working but it really did kick the shit out i mean it really like you understand that seeker song turn the page after a while we were like yeah dude fuck you the road's hard it is it's it's not a um a person over 30s game you hit 30 and it's like oh a red eye will kill me things that you used to just be like i'll just like take a red eye and just a little get a home faster it's fine yeah no you i'll fuck you up for two weeks can i tell you where my age is hitting me right now i was the king of if it's on the east coast i'll drive home saturday night because i won't want to wake up sunday in bed i was just in baltimore and it was like i can do this i can fucking do this and you're like go go go go go because it's just it's better without traffic it's better just to get there in the night but now i'm too old where i'm like i might have to start doing it in the mornings i might have to how long is that drive four it was three and a half at 11 p.m no i got home after your show no two shows no it was like hot and sweaty and i was like i just grabbed my stuff at the hotel and just got in the car it's at soupy east coast something like that and i was like oh my god i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm just jammy yeah jammy air it's yeah it's almost fall which means fall clothes jeans and hoodies and all 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especially eastern washington dry as hell very similar to colorado oh right no humidity no humidity you didn't grow up with humidity the first summer i lived in new york city you want to talk about that like being kid sick that was my energy the whole summer of like because i couldn't afford an air conditioner so just the whole summer i was like and i was working at the restaurant i was just like dude i used to take i used to i slept on an air mattress in a windowless room and i it was so hot my god what it was so much worse kelsey it was it was so hot that i would have to take i would wake up at 3 30 in the morning and i would turn my shower on cold and i would just stand in a cold shower to the point that i was like and then i would go lay down and i would get like 90 minutes of sleep and then i'd wake up sweaty again and i'd be like i feel physically sick that sent a chill down my spine that was horrifying people that uh fans of the podcast have heard this story before but this is just in context my roommate vick one of my shout out vick he had a window unit in his room but we didn't have ac in the rest of the apartment and he accidentally left it on one time and after a night of not sleeping i like heard it and i was like mad and i was like do you leave this fucking ac on and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i opened it and the room was so cold that i just turned around and grabbed my down comforter and i came back in and i laid on the foot of his bed not like in his bed i laid on the foot of his bed fell asleep down comforter wrapped around me i slept so hard that he came home from work and like opened the door and he's like what the fuck and it you know when you like wake up and you overslept yeah it was like the king hell version of that where i woke up and i was like what time is it he's like it's six o'clock i was like i came in here at 11 a.m he was like well you've been asleep for seven hours and i just like it was crazy but man that ac he had it on like 68 oh crisp oh crisp 68 is fall in minnesota great because it it is that's where that's the you have to hold on you need you need a good fall it's an okay spring the whole like running dad joke there is that there's three winters and then construction season that's like summer is because the winter's just absolutely demolished the roads because the temperatures are so crazy so it is like the summer is everything is construction roads getting repaved and all that stuff but fall is nice summer is nice it's just it's just way more humid that i would have yeah the humidity when you don't grow up in humidity and you have to deal with it you're almost like this is uh this is one of the i hate the earth you like become against the earth you're like this is and people like now i've been in new york 20 years so even this is very humid summer i can handle it for sure yeah but i'm still like there's part of me that's like colorado doesn't have this humidity san francisco doesn't have that humidity it's on the water it doesn't the humidity on the east coast and the great lakes that like thing right there on the south well that's the thing i was like we're so far north why does it feel like i'm in texas right now but you've it's the land of 10 000 lakes so it's just like in the summer just brings it all up in the air uh i remember being at acme and the hotel's walking distance and it was so cold that i was like this might be cruelty to make me walk back to the hotel when you're like coming in the door and you're like like you're on a moon base yeah have you adjusted to the cold i had to get a different car because i couldn't right when i moved there i got um like a mid-size suv because i couldn't keep doing just like whatever spinning out just be like right they tell you they're like you need to get something that has good traction. The winters are so crazy, but I got like a very low traction trim model in the car when I got there and then this past winter is what everybody has told me is like okay this was your first true winter as a Minnesotan because you don't want to hear that no no no yeah how many years have you been out there three and a half okay and I was freezing my ass off the first two and they're like this is this is nothing I'm like are you like what is wrong with you people are you sick like this is so cold and then this winter was like one of the days Chad and I flew home um from different tour dates when he landed on a Sunday morning it was minus 34 or something like that and when I like the fucking moon dude you're on the fucking moon that's what 66 degrees below freezing oh like it's that's a nice day in the opposite way if you caught a 66 degree day you go this is fucking nice this is nice and this is 66 degrees below it would he did it was some temperature like that and then I was like oh my god I'm freezing my ass off the first two and then I was like and then I landed an hour or two later and it was minus 17 and you know if you are parked at the airport you're in one of those parking garages where it's just like open air and so my car had just been sitting there in those temperatures for like three days didn't have remote start didn't have anything like that and you can't just get in a car like that and start driving it it has to warm up so I had to sit in a car in minus 17 for like 10 minutes before I could move it and I was like I mean this is like people die yeah that was literally just thinking like it seems dangerous like during the winters there are signs all over the freeways like electronic billboards that say um if you have to pull over stay inside to stay alive yeah that's the surface of the moon yeah yeah like there really is like are there people that die and this is this is a foolish question but if I'm I have enough evidence to ask this yeah are there people that die in the parking garage of the Minneapolis airport because that's gonna make that every time I do a lot of connections at that airport and I'm like oh my god I'm gonna die in the parking garage of the Minneapolis airport and I do not want to know that there are people that is a tomb because you see the parking garage when you fucking transfer plates yes it's a cold tomb I I hope not but it was the thing that made me go I need to invest in a better car and have remote start and like heated seats heated steering wheel it's not like bougie it's not even this is like to not lose my fucking fingers it's like this is crazy Chad being a native Minnesotan growing up in the brutal weather he's probably he could probably tell you a winter of 97 or something where it's like way worse they always have stories like that polar vortex stories he talks about so he's from Fergus Falls which is way more up north gets even colder he talked about that not that many years ago um if you touched the door handle on the inside of your house it would burn your hand that's why are we living there why are we living there why that's like that first off that's a home alone thing to stop robbers you can't live in a place where you're just like Harry yeah your your house home alones you just because it's so cold that you're like I'm gonna go get this paper ah there's like an M on your fucking hand you're like I wouldn't do that but also what's crazy about that is the way that people just like the the minutes because people from Minnesota are so fucking nice but they have that like you didn't know that like oh yeah don't touch that or you'll freeze and you go that's not fucking normal that's not what normal where normal what normal people go through I I'm always blown away when people live in this extreme weather and then they act like you're a dickhead for going like maybe don't live here oh yeah yeah like in Arizona when I moved to Arizona they were like my freshman year of college I didn't have my car my second year I moved down there with my car and people go like hey crack your window and I go why there's a lot of car theft here and they're like no crack your window because if it goes over 110 it'll blow out and I go what do you mean to get it's so hot and air expands when it's hot that the car will go and just blow out the fucking windows of the car I've never heard of that that's insane I think it's very rare I'm sure there's desert dwellers right now that are like that's not how it happens but that was like how they were telling me when I worked at the radio station they're like yeah make sure you I like would leave and go crack my windows because they'd be like dude but it's all I remember is it being so hot because I I never came home from the car and I was like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die for the summers I worked in Tucson oh okay you would get like this time of year August before monsoon season because monsoon season cuts the heat but like July when it's starting to get like 112 every day you would open you want to talk about burning your hand yeah open the door and if there was sunlight you could see the heat wave move out of your car like it was leaving your car like it was like all right thanks thanks then you get in it's literally the inverse of what you're doing and you grab and you go like oh you burn your hands if you touch the steering wheel yeah it's crazy you go why do people live here because we're from states where people just live comfortable lives I know Colorado sure the air is thin don't be a pussy Washington it's first off where Spokane is is like fucking gorgeous you're on that run of like Washington Oregon and Idaho Montana you're just in that section river goes through this it's beautiful there's a lot of meth a lot of homeless that look like they can't breathe it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's it's it is your homeless are aggressive with the point that it makes me go like you might be able to do something yeah I mean it's so hard because the downtown you're like oh it's like beautifully walk around and it's like yeah you gotta keep your head on fucking swivel oh it gave me a recommendation for a sandwich place Domini's Domini's yes Tom Thakkar if you see this clip we're going there this weekend legendary been there forever it's unbelievable I got I went there you know when I know a comic from a city I'll ask Rex and you were like get these sandwiches Domini's the walk there though I was like I live in fucking Manhattan and I'm like get the fuck away from me and they're like ah it's fucking wild I was just talking with Ryan Sickler because he was there for shows shout out Ryan he the best and he is from Baltimore and he's like look I crossed to the other side of the street and I'm from Baltimore and I'm like I know it's it's pretty bad which is unfortunate and I was just in Baltimore and I will tell you I have more trip I walked from I was at the port I just walked through the city and I was like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like oh my god I walked from my hotel was nice right in an area I mean the port's in a nice part of Baltimore but yeah when I was in Spokane I was like dude what the fuck that's always crazy to me is when you see like San Francisco don't go near Union Square don't go near Geary Street you're gonna watch men's shit on the street but when you're by the punch line you're kind of like well it's not that dangerous yeah that's what's unfortunate is that the area that the club is in and that downtown stretch is probably the chunk there in terms of of I don't know violence and all that is Spokane one of those cities where everyone works and then they leave is what we were talking about with Jim with Hartford like Hartford's like one of those cities where everyone works during the day and then at night there's no one there so that's why the homeless are just like this is our city yeah I mean they go yeah they for sure like go back to the suburbs and stuff like that there's people don't live right there there are no there aren't like many apartments right there it's just businesses so it's it happens um but yeah Spokane when Chad and I were dating long distance it was like okay it doesn't make sense for us to both tour out of Spokane because at the time I was like this is killing me like there are no flights there's no direct flights no direct flights you're like way up in the corner of the country I was either having to fly in a day early or like do a 5 30 a.m flight and then almost I almost missed several shows where you're like literally sprinting on stage in your airplane it was it was like bad for my health and so it was like okay we should both be touring out of Minneapolis for sure the best airport in the middle of the country it's so great well also you're coming from Los Angeles moving back to Spokane in LA traveling has got to be like New York where you go we fly everywhere there's not a really city it's hard to find exactly yeah which drives you nuts when you're like no flights there's just no direct flights like what are we doing yeah but it's all it's like not a lot of people trying to fly out of Spokane it's like there's just not this demand for it but yeah I mean I've moved to Minnesota in January to live with Chad and everybody's like oh you love that man I'm like yeah that's that's how you know that is like you move to Minnesota in January if you have a dating profile it's like would you move to Minnesota in January that's like a song lyric it's like I move that better be in your vows that's what's up that's what's up because Katie and I were just both in New York and it's like hey do you not want to go to New York and I'm like I don't want to go to New York and I'm like I don't want to pay an astronomical amount of money you know it was like it's like such fiscal sense in New York versus like yours is like an old viking lore where it's like if you can conquer the elements then you may have my love but it is like thank god Chad lived in Minneapolis and not like fucking another random ass town that you're like oh we both have to uproot yeah in order here yeah I don't think I would have ever thought to go there otherwise but it is really like the perfect touring hub it's like it's so central you get everywhere so fast it's just I mean the direct flights have got to be crazy you go direct everywhere and not like genuinely getting jealous I know it's so funny there's like also the time difference like people forget that that if you're New York or LA if you have to go all the way to the opposite end that like fucks you up like you're on stage and it's feels like 2 a.m your time so east to west I would argue I like east to west better because you get the day back. So like when I'm flying to Spokane, I'm leaving here at 7:00 but i'm gonna land at spokane at like 1 p.m so then tom and i i'm gonna go see spider-man but we're just gonna have the whole day what i hate is the thing that sucks is sunday my whole day is gone even though i'm leaving spokane at 7 a.m i go to minneapolis i transfer i get back to la guardia at like 5 p.m so you're like my whole day only truly the whole day whole day the only thing that's good is i'm off the road the next two weeks so you go all right one one day of fucking bullshit and then i'm back and i can just because man we're as we get older the more you stay home you go like i love this oh god chad he's such a good influence on me for taking time off because like he has kids he has a very well-rounded well-balanced life awesome where and he just like enjoys that anyway where he's like yeah i always take the summers off that's when like my kids would be out of school i don't work in the summer and i want to marry him move over bitch he's mine i see you at the wedding you're just like eye in my spot of the you're in a dress i'm holding i'm holding in your eyes i'm playing a boombox playing in your eyes chad this is for you this is very gay in your eyes i love that you take the summers off i just start saying all this stuff you're saying i love the balance yeah but it is that is like such a mature cool ass thing because when you're younger in this business you go like i'm just gonna tour i'm gonna go non-stop it's cool that i'm tired it's cool that i'm sick and then like now the reason i drive home from baltimore was because i wanted a whole day with my gals i wanted a whole day with katie and myrtle where i go and this it's everything and what i love about us being older is like she appreciates that so she'll go like you didn't have to do that but thank you for doing that and i'm like i love it i love being home there's nothing like it i mean so this summer is the first summer i took off of touring awesome because i've been watching chad do it and i had been so just like like a pit bull just like my teeth were just sunk into this idea of like no like you have you have to just like grind through the summer and like you can't give up tour dates and you gotta and i finally was like okay you know what i'm gonna try this and now i'm like dangerously in love with not working turns out not working awesome even if you love your job not working still it's actually so nice to like not be on a plane every week and so this was such a good break i'll break your brain with this thing because i completely i love the summer thing um but what i do is i will tour during the summer so katie and i do a cross-country road trip every year where we start here we drive to chicago then we go chicago to denver that's awesome but it's two and a half weeks it's like a long thing so i take off okay so i'm like my last date's december 12th and then you're damn you're doing that drive in the winter we do it every winter whoa do you ever like run into yeah okay we did we did a whole animated episode of my podcast because we got um so when you get to nebraska and wyoming and you know yeah my part of the country um the winds it's not snow it's wind oh winds blow trucks over like oh shit major fucking problem okay day after christmas we leave my mom's house we're gonna drive there's a and i brought this up on jim norton's podcast but it's true we drive specifically from denver to a place in iowa that has a bennegan's connected through a holiday inn because we love bennegan's wait i don't know what bennegan's is oh kelsey it is it's like applebee's it was before applebee's i'm sure spokane you guys must have gotten a bennegan's in the 90s i've never even heard of it it's like on its way out they have great chicken fingers and they have they have a monte cristo that is it's a oh it's a deep fried ham sandwich it's unbelievable so we got super excited we're driving through nebraska and the gps kept being like get off the road and then and then we get off the road and go if you want to save five hours get back on the road and we're like what the fuck's going on the state of nebraska shut down the highway because of the winds and we were like in this small town big springs nebraska shout out i you you've and you're not that big um i've had bigger uh little springs we got we got snowed in a and we had to stay in our car in a motel six parking lot during the blizzard and we recorded a podcast and then we animated it so we do get caught but okay we've also been lucky um not last year but the year before zero problems last year a couple storms that we hit like driving but we love it because we just take our time because it's just like us and the dog the dog's with us so we just go like oh this is fun it's a rental car so we're not worried about like beating it up or whatever and that's like our summer's off because it's like okay i have so much fun doing that i have so much fun being like we don't owe anybody anything we're not doing shows we're not doing anything it's just like and we're gonna see our family and enjoy the holidays but taking time off is like if you can and obviously it's such a luxury if you're able to do that of course but i love hearing that chad did that with his kids because you go that's how you make good humans for real yeah do you like i mean is it like crazy you're like i'm gonna be a stepmom like on monday you're gonna be their stepmom now you're like cool girlfriend yeah you know what i mean you're like oh it's my dad's girlfriend but now it's gonna be like hi kelsey you go hello but hi kids is that gonna be is that like a weird thing you've thought about that's never really been the dynamic so i don't i don't think when we get married it's gonna feel any different because so chad had kids young and he and i have a 14 year age gap so it's not like it's not like his kids are like way they're they're like adults yeah they're not like children that's actually with me as this mom figure they like they have a great relationship with their mom they're great kids so i'm just like a like even bonus mom sounds weird i'm like not a motherly figure to them i don't think i know this i know you're just like a roommate you're just like you're you're like old school gay you're like that's my dad's roommate and you go oh good for them they're sleeping together yeah of course is your father a dandy and you go yes that's his roommate and they are they're lovely they're very happy yeah you know it's been it's been an interesting uh journey of a relationship with me and his daughter because he and his daughter are very close and it's been a really interesting and it is like a weird thing when a new woman comes in your life and she's a comedian and she had like followed me on instagram and then i i posted some joke it was from my first special i think it was like the vasectomy joke about like that chad has a vasectomy and oh boy you don't want that your dad's come being fucking blank and you go i don't want to watch this i'm at the doctor right now so she like immediately like texted chad afterwards like just so you know like i'm i'm muting kelsey or whatever and i was like as you should like if i watched my stepmom even like dude if nick would have done jokes about fucking my mom if my stepdad nick would have been a comedian and he goes let me tell you why my wife's got good pussy how's baseball today it was fine nick it was fine good bit about mom and that was nice yeah but i remember my friends early on were kind of like like his daughter's gonna love you like she's in college she's gonna think it's so cool that like your videos get a bunch of views and i was like oh you mean the one about me blowing her dad yeah i don't think she's like psyched about she goes oh cool a million people watch this story about my dad getting a fucking getting a blowjob cool dad really oh hey a million people and i agree thumbs up i got you got a heart that that's like that that's like child abuse that's like social media child abuse where you go check out this joke about how your dad just blew out my back and she's like like fun thanksgiving fun thanksgiving yeah you know what's funny is that is kind of a family dynamic with stand-up because i had a joke about um katie catching me watching porn on my phone through a bluetooth oh right and then we were in boston and she's like well my dad's gonna see this and she just sat at a table with her dad and like watched him watch the bit and she was like oh my god this sucks you're like yeah i bet it does because you don't realize sometimes you're writing a joke and you go you don't think who's gonna see it you think the immediate person's gonna see it but you don't think about the ricochet yeah you just picture like faces in the crowd people you don't know personally do you have any jokes on this special that might get in trouble with your step kids i told her i was like you can watch the whole special except there's like maybe a five minute chunk and it's not even like that graphic but i'm just like it involves sex and i don't think you would want to hear it and she's like great just tell me those time stamps and i will fast forward through that that's fantastic so so you guys have a great relationship yeah it's gotten so much better at first it was a little like how are we gonna i also had never been with somebody who has kids and like that was an adjustment period for me too where you're like oh in the summers it's not just the two of us anymore suddenly it's like we are yeah yeah yeah it's did you find how long did it take to get to that point where you're like oh i don't know how long did it take you to find a rhythm with that like the first some by the end of the first summer were you like we got this by like the end of second summer that's this summer has been the best summer so far but that's you know what i like that's an honest answer because the first summer you go i'll kind of learn how to do this second summer you go these fucking kids rock Third time, we're like, what the fuck is up? Welcome back home, motherfuckers. And they're like, Kelsey! No jokes about blowing my dad. There you go. A time marker. But that is such a cool way to come into a family and build your own thing, you know? Thanks, yeah. Yeah, and also, both of you guys fucking rule. So it's just like, I loved having you guys when you guys were on the pod, because you guys were touring together. Yes, we had shows here, and that was so fun. I'm so jealous of that, because I love when she comes on the road with me. We did the Tires premiere, and Shane did a show on Saturday that I opened up, you know, I was one of the comics on it, and she just came with the whole weekend, and I was like, yo, the road rules when you're here. It's the exact opposite of when you're by yourself, because suddenly it's like a paid couple's vacation. You're like, oh my God, my favorite person's here, and we're like in a hotel, and we're like gonna go eat. It suddenly becomes like so fun. Every day we'd wake up, go get coffee, and then we would text Stavros and be like, where are we gonna go get lunch, and then we would have these like cool lunches, and then be like, all right. That was like a fun hang. It was like, and then I was back on the road by myself just in a hotel, and I was like, I'm gonna go get a Starbucks. Where's my purse? Yeah, it really is. You're isolated, and you're like, that's why I've been telling Tom all the things we're gonna do this weekend. I was like, oh, there's a sandwich place? I was like, and then he was like, can we go see Odyssey? I go, we can't, because Katie and I are gonna see it in IMAX, and he's like, all right, what about Spider-Man? I was like, you're on. You're like, here's our itinerary. Because that's, I think, the second best thing is bringing a friend along. I was just gonna say that. That makes such a difference to like your mental health and just like the experience of touring in general. If you have a friend with you on the road, it's either like, again, if you have a friend, it can feel like, okay, great, we're gonna go do these fun things. If you don't, you're like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. I mean, this is like brutal. You're by yourself the whole day. If you don't have work, if you don't have something to do, you just go like, great, let me just walk by this business park that's next to the hotel. It's brutal. Also, what sucks is now Sagalow's like headlining, so I lost my little brother on the road. Tommy Brennan opened for me for three years. Oh, nice one. SNL, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the greatest thing, because that's what you want, is like you want them to succeed and like have it. You want them to get out of the nest. Yes, but then when they do, you're like, oh. Yeah, I go like, I'm going back to Portland, I go, that's what I was here, I was with Sagalow, but now you headlined this club. I can't have you come back as a, as a feature, it wouldn't even physically make sense. But what was crazy is I remember when Shane was on the road with me, when he started headlining, he would call me and he'd be like, I don't like headlining, I want to come back and feature for you. And I was like, no, you have to headline. That's what's happening. And then he got so big that now I get to feature for him. So now when we're at shows, I go, thanks for letting me feature again. He goes, I'm jealous of you. And I was like. Featuring's so sweet. 15 to 20 minutes of just your best shit and then hang out and watch a show. It's honestly the fucking best. It's so nice. It is fucking great. Yeah. What's the special name? It's called Happy Hour. Happy Hour's on Netflix right now. Please go watch it, guys. Go watch it. Get her in the top 10. This is how we're going to make money off Netflix. You have to put us in the top 10. But go watch Happy Hour. Go check out her and Chad's podcast. Go watch everything they do. They're the best. Congratulations on the marriage. Thank you. I'll be there. Heard us in a book. I'm like, damn. Congratulations. But yeah, you're the best. Thanks for coming by and doing this. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Thank you.