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Speaker 3Welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast. The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals and not of any organization.
Speaker 4The best question that I get to ask myself whenever I feel like that, those kind of envious thoughts, it's like, am I willing to do the work and the sacrifices that it took? Yeah. Do I, do I really want this person's life or do I just want this thing? I probably don't want their life. They probably sacrificed everything to have it. Like, do I actually want, like, do I value wealth over everything else? Yeah, bro. Not really.
Speaker 3In today's episode, we sit down with our good friend, Will L, an artist, podcaster, and creative. We discuss what it's like being in recovery, we talk about suicide, other mental health issues, the power of gratitude, emotions, and how to let them out. We discuss losing brothers in recovery. We talk about anger and coping mechanisms, misconceptions about addiction, money, and sacrifice to follow your dreams. If you like the show, please rate, follow, or like in whatever medium you listen to. Thank you and enjoy the show. We're fucking doing it, boys. We're in the studio. We're like, I feel like pros now, man. We got. We got Will here. We got the setup, boys. Thank you, Will.
Speaker 4We're in the majors, bro.
Speaker 3Thank you, Will. Air fucking bispo. No, we love you, buddy. Thanks for coming on. And, you know, we were talking about this outside today, but I was thinking about this this morning, too. You're, and I'm not just saying this because you're here, but you're the reason that I wanted to start podcasting and that I thought it was realistic. So I appreciate you, man. We came up with this idea when, you know, you started talking about it with us. So thank you. And, you know, you've got a successful podcast right now, The Loftcast.
Speaker 4It's brand new. I wouldn't, I appreciate that. I wouldn't call it successful yet, but I love you guys. It's coming. The Loftcast, you know, we're all on all platforms. We're going crazy. I won't be able to get a job ever again. So if you guys like dark humor, tune in there. I won't be doing that, those bits here. But if you like that, go there. You're here, you're here for a, in a different capacity, right? This is one of the only times you guys will see me serious in the near future on camera.
Speaker 5And this man also just dropped the new, album as well, a couple weeks ago. Go check that out. Yes, sir, Lofsky Day.
Speaker 4Run that up. Visual came out like a week ago. And yeah, we're going to have more visuals. So absolutely lots of music and some, yeah, some serious songs. You'll see me be serious in music, but you won't really see me serious in interviews. So this is a nice little switch up.
Speaker 3So what's the, what do you like about the two things? So you're a very creative person. You, I would call you a creator, an artist for sure. What, like, what do you like about rapping? And what do you like about podcasting and different, like, what are some of the differences and similarities?
Speaker 4It's a great question. Yeah. Um, so there's just many different, like, I was so happy to get into podcasting. Um, at first I was a guest, so shout out three balaclavas and, uh, shout out all the people that had me on podcasts before I ever thought of doing that. Like before I was ever like a fan of comedy podcasts, I had my buddy, Ronnie had me on his, um, I was on a podcast with a vengeance and some different people had me on for interviews. And, and that made a, a difference. But the thing with me is like, I've always been kind of like a troll before that was a thing before we knew what to call it. Like, I've always had like two sides of me, like a serious dark side and like, I need to like a mess around side. So having an outlet for that is really important to me. And that's why I'd like, you know, I, I'm just happy that I can do that stuff and then double down on the, on the music. Cause like even some of my music, like I have a lot of like pretty jokes lines, but I also talk about a lot of very serious subject matter pertaining to like addiction recovery, all kinds of stuff. So I don't know. It's just different sides of myself. You know what I mean?
Speaker 3Interesting. But they're both like creative outlets and you're releasing energy in that way. Yeah. Um, that's cool, man.
Speaker 4Yeah. I love that. It's just, it's a lot of fun. I feel like podcasts is, is great. Cause, uh, especially in sobriety, like I'm a really social guy and I love just joking around with my friends. So it's like, why would I not want to have it on camera and stuff like that? There's so many times I'm just like on the phone where I'm like, ah, this would have been a banger podcast. Why isn't this recorded? So now I'm just trying to set it up more. It's also a good excuse. It's a good excuse because like the older we get, the busier our lives get. Sometimes it's harder to schedule stuff and then it's like almost an excuse to like get together with people.
Speaker 5Yeah. That's a good one actually. I was, I was saying this like 15 minutes ago as we were setting everything up, I'm like, you know, this could be a horrible podcast, but it's still fun to just get together and
Speaker 3just like, you know. If nothing else, we hung out tonight and I had a great time. I'm having a great time. Yeah, exactly. It's a little bit stressful in the beginning setting all this shit up, but it's worth it
Speaker 4after. Yeah, man. No, it's all good. We're here. We're here. How long have you been sober for Will? Almost nine years now. Wow, man. God willing. I'm going to knock on. I hope that's wood. Knock on wood or plaster. There's a stud. There's a stud behind me. I heard a stud. Yeah.
Speaker 3So yeah, man. Blessed to be here. Blessed to be alive. What, what was it like in addiction for you?
Speaker 4Terrible. I was like a completely different person. Like in every sense of the word, like addiction stole my entire personality I lost. I was like, I be. I had basically lost all my social skills. And then just growing up as a kid, like all kind of like all my issues just as a kid that I was able to deal with when I was self-medicating and kind of went away. Then as the worst I got, they came back and they multiplied. They were much worse. So like my self-esteem was never lower than like when I was tanking, you know, my self-confidence completely gone, my self-worth, my self-talk. I was also in like drug induced psychosis. I have a bunch of mental health issues as well that were obviously. I mean, I've seen a bunch of different specialists and people that were trying to help me, but it's like even with medic, like actual medications, not just drugs that I was taking, but like doctors that were trying to help me, none of those meds would even work. I didn't really have a shot. I didn't know at the time it was hard to diagnose me because of everything that was going on. I didn't know until like two, three years into sobriety that I even had OCD and that I had a bipolar two. I just thought I was crazy and that I was a danger to myself and other people. Like. I literally thought I was going to like, I didn't know what intrusive thoughts were. Like, I literally thought that I was like a terrible person and then if I didn't keep in, like just keep a wraps on my shit that I was going to inflict harm on other people. So like I used to just, I would never talk to somebody the way that I talk to myself, you know? And my my skin was terrible. My diet, like obviously still right now isn't the best, but compared to then, like I ate next to nothing. I'm like five 11. Like the first time I went to rehab, I was like 110 pounds, um, basically just a shell of a person, man. And like this all, just like everything that I'm excited about, like my, all my passions completely gone, like literally the only reason I was getting out of bed in the morning was to, to get high and to drink. And uh, yeah, that was pretty much it. And like, and I saw no way out. I thought about killing myself every single day and like, just totally hopeless, like just self pity. I didn't even know I was resentful at all. So much fear. Just like, yeah, just a really like miserable existence and there were light moments too, but like generally pretty dark.
Speaker 3Yeah. Yeah. No, I can relate a lot to that. Um, you mentioned, I, I, I, something you said really jumped out at me. Uh, I would never talk to anybody else like that. And it's, I find that a lot with people in recovery is like, uh, I mean, even people not in recovery, the most important conversation we have is with ourselves. I've heard that so many times and it's so true. It's like some of the shit I say to myself, oh, you fucking idiot. Like why? How did you just even little things like that? I would never say that to anybody else. Right. It's so self-defeated.
Speaker 5I've heard this as a saying too, it's like no one beat the shit out of me worse than I beat the shit out of me. You know what I mean? Like the way that we beat ourselves up. It's like, I don't need any, any of you guys to give me a kick in the teeth. I've kicked myself in the teeth enough in life.
Speaker 4Yeah. Right. Absolutely. And then the worst part about that too, is like the deeper that I get into that and that thinking, then I ended up taking it out on other people because I feel so badly about myself. When I get it out there. A hundred percent. And if I'm not working on myself and looking at myself, then I like immediately, I almost need like just to release, it's terrible.
Speaker 5I remember someone said this to me, I can't remember the exact scenario, but I was talking with someone and I was, I was getting upset with them. Right. I was like kind of calling them out on something that I didn't like about them. And they, they looked at me dead in the eyes and they're like, I think the reason that you see this in me is because you see it in yourself, you know, I think, and I think I was, I think I was calling them a liar or maybe I was calling them arrogant or something. Like, you know, you're, you're a pretty big lying, arrogant person, buddy. I think you're, I think you're looking at a mirror right now. And I was like, wow, you know, I didn't admit to it then and there in the conversation, but looking back on it now being sober, it was a hundred percent true. Right. You know, you're projecting it. And that happens so much with people. I think that's what a lot of life is, is that it is the mirror and that we don't always
Speaker 4want to, cause sometimes it is, it's hard to look at that. It's hard to, it's, it's a lot easier to just deny, deny, deny, backpedal, guilt trip, whatever for other manipulation forms. It's like, it sucks sometimes just being honest like oh wow actually i was like really out of line there and that's not cool at all you know
Speaker 3it sucks to your point it takes you don't notice in the moment as you stay sober longer i've i've come to this realization that the time gets like shorter and shorter between you realizing that
Speaker 4you fucked up the self-awareness yeah and just the ability to even admit it yeah yeah because it's a humbling thing it's like it sucks to have to like go back up to someone and be like hey man uh that wasn't cool i think i did yeah that totally wasn't nice well for you so like
Speaker 5you know in the scene of making music and and filming entertainment like what's it like doing that sober versus doing that like well you were you know an addiction right you know what i mean because in this industry that you're in like you know a lot of guys promote you know whether that's violence drugs whatever they're they're promoting like you're around a lot of that right whether that's including when you're performing in shows like what's it like doing that
Speaker 4that's sober a million times better like i have no idea how i used to ever make music or just be in the scene yeah not you know like i'm able to you know it's very easy to get tied up in all kinds of bad things yeah industry very quickly without realizing it and to be able to navigate that to learn the business things um to talk to have mentors um in both recovery music uh business and to learn all these things it's a huge blessing like i have no idea how i used to function like i wasn't functioning and and also like to have other people that depended on me like uh you know a good friend of mine trey gold and i we used to run vampires prom together so we ran like 13 something underground shows that would have never happened if i was like if i was intoxicated there's absolutely no way that we would have ever been able to stick it out and to invest in those those shows and to make that happen
Speaker 3to build a community and have people depend on me you know as soon as times get hard i find when you're in addiction it's you're just like i'm i'm not doing this anymore yeah i'm done
Speaker 4this is way too hard oh for sure and even the productivity man like um you know since last august so august of 2024 i've made like 85 songs or something yeah and a lot would have never happened if i was using and drinking like there's no way yeah and i wouldn't have been able to write
Speaker 5it a lot goes into this behind the scenes like to be messed up like i'm remembering myself when i was messed up like you know to try and make plans coordinate with guests then all the production behind the scenes like hours and hours of you know editing and and all that like it's different when you're at the level of like you know say a rapper like you know say kodak black that guy could just show up to a show have a team everything's done for him right but like this takes a lot of like discipline for one because like you know we're all working jobs yeah so it's not like we have all day to do this right we got to coordinate guests you know you had to drive an hour probably more than an hour to get here today you know then this took an hour to set up like this lot goes into this right so to do that try and think of doing that when you're messed up like just picture the amount of stuff i
Speaker 4would have forgot you know exactly i could have got arrested on the way here yeah so many variables literally i might have just not shown up i forgot the camera i might have just like had an anxiety attack and not wanted to talk yeah a what what would i even say of value nothing yeah nobody cares what i have to say oh i get in my head i just i don't know like obviously i wouldn't be have been able to talk about recovery yeah yeah but it's like yeah i think too it's like especially when you don't have a machine behind you like if you're if you're a major artist you can get away with being unprofessional and kind of wild for a certain period before people don't want to deal with you but being an indie artist it's like it's just me like if i'm not doing anything it's like nothing's gonna get done yeah i'm pushing 30 like life goes by really quick i'm gonna snap my fingers wake up and be 40 it's like if i haven't accomplished some stuff it's like guess who has no security i'm gonna snap my fingers wake up and
Speaker 3be 40 it was no future yeah it's real man you know you mentioned i i can't help but think about this i was thinking about this today actually i don't know if you guys follow like what's going on with justin bieber right now oh yeah he's he's struggling a lot it seems and uh i was watching a video the other day of him at coachella like dancing with another guy and the look in his eyes i see that video i just i'm getting goosebumps thinking about it i know that feeling he like his soul was just gone right he was just gone and i was like i'm gonna snap my fingers wake up and i feel bad for the guy because i hope he makes it back man yeah man you know yeah he was sober for a
Speaker 4while i know he's got lyme disease and stuff too a lot of challenges and then whatever else is happening in the industry because the deeper you get into this stuff i know we're not going to get into all the other stuff but there's there's a lot of crazy stuff with with that particular individual but yeah man it's it's it's a wild thing like i can't even imagine you know to your
Speaker 3point it's on the drive over here today um i had a i have a i don't know if you guys have these like kind of emotional gratitude moments where you're just like by yourself yeah maybe with someone i was driving through parkdale okay on the way here and there was a long period of time where i was kicked out of my house and i was in an airbnb in parkdale yeah and it was like a studio on top of a of a some kind of business and it was so depressing dude like so depressed it smelled like old you know like you know when like an old guy walks in and he just had a cigarette like that old coat sweat cigarette smell because the whole apartment smelled like that right and i'll never forget like i just i started like tearing up as i was driving over here because uh i was by myself i was you know i had a bunch of plates of coke like all over the house and it was just never enough like it was never enough i was i thought i was doing like i thought i was happy i thought i was living the dream and having a good time i was going to work so i was all good but uh you know those remember whens are important and i just had this moment i was listening to um i think uh willie nelson or something like a song came on and i just i was like man i'm so happy i'm sober yeah because i miss this feeling of one showing up to be able to do things like this for sure having purpose in life yeah and not being stuck on top of this fucking apartment where every day was just like miserable yeah miserable
Speaker 4for sure you know and you like wake it the the worst feeling it's like waking up just being like oh every day felt like such a chore to me oh my god man like i like my attitude is completely different like when i wake up today i want to seize the day and get as much as i possibly can and i think about other people and what i can do for them whereas every day before i wake up and i'm just like i just hope i can get through the day yeah it was literally just getting through the day like what a shitty way to live yeah and medicated too yeah with my medicine just
Speaker 5i just remember like i think about that a lot now because like i i have very very busy days like my days actually have purpose right but like i remember man when i was in addiction like i would wake up in the morning i'd go to bed at night like like overthinking waking up the next morning like oh god when i wake up i gotta somehow get a little bit of money somehow get high and then after that i gotta do this and i'm like oh my god i'm gonna do this and i'm gonna do this and i'm gonna do this this and this and then i gotta get high again at 5 p.m right like that's all i would think about now like i say this all the time my favorite part about waking my favorite part about sobriety one of them there's lots but one of my favorite parts is just knowing how i'm gonna feel when i wake up you know not having to like freak out about oh i'm gonna like have shakes i'm not gonna want to talk to anybody i'm gonna be miserable i'm gonna be sick right and yeah like anthony just said about the gratitude thing like when people ask me like oh like what are some things that help you right there's a lot the long list of things that help me but one of the most consistent things that i use every single day is gratitude right like just you know even when things get tough because things get tough right and it's like oh things are pissing you off you know blah blah blah and it's like okay well like i'm thankful that i have a job i'm thankful that i have friends i can reach out to i'm thankful that i have food right because you look around the corner and there's you know 20 guys that don't have that right and not to to use yourself to bring people down but it's like you get what i'm saying like life really is great yeah man we're
Speaker 4you said too in the car about like yeah man emotions coming back you know for so long like just growing up i had such an unhealthy like attitude that like oh i could never cry so i would push it down as like a like growing up with these ideas about like what a man is and how i you know how i should feel and like now like yeah you know i'm comfortable enough with myself shit whenever it comes i just let it out and i feel so much better man like even like past couple days just like random like memories and like i lost a friend recently uh a brother in like recovery and whenever that happens i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry that would come out i just let it out if i'm feeling any particular emotions whatever and like i'm so grateful that i can do that instead of running from it yeah pushing it down just like
Speaker 5just keeping sick you know yeah i was actually talking to my mother about this last night i was hoping you'd bring this up there was a few things that were uh no this isn't what i was talking about today you have to i will i will say this next but the first thing i was going to say was i was talking to my mom last night and there was a couple things that were you know pissing me off and making me angry and then i like you know realized i'm like these things aren't actually making me angry or pissing me off it's actually like hurting me a bit and upsetting me and i am i'm taking it out as anger because that's just what i do no fuck that guy no that's bullshit that's just how i that's how i know how to do coping mechanism right but like it's like a secondary feeling to the to the first feeling where no actually something's happening that's upsetting me a little bit maybe if i just talk about it you know figure it out i won't be getting mad and like i'm able to do those things now because i'm sober and that's the only reason right absolutely one of my favorite things about this podcast so far is that people reaching out to me that i know that are like hey i actually struggle with with this this and this too and it's great to hear you talk about it but it's like now we're going to get on a platform that can reach more people for sure right that might be struggling with the same thing because you know you don't hear enough young people talk about absolutely
Speaker 4you do not hear enough young huge misconception and like you know the world's it's such a difficult place right now that people have a billion excuses to you know go hard on drugs and alcohol yeah like life is tough let's be honest you know some people i talk to are almost like living in this fantasy land of like oh everything's okay blah blah blah it's like no like the the economy's not doing well our country is like kind of crazy the states is pretty crazy all over the world there's a lot of unrest and and things like it people have enough excuses so like now is a good time as ever you and i were talking about this on saturday yeah i was telling
Speaker 5you i'm like you know how happy i was and how things are going good but we were also talking about like how sometimes people you could be like you can read it right away when someone's like oh man life is great i love this like things are awesome right now like you know what i mean like and you're like you can tell right away that the person's putting a front on right and it's so nice to not have to do that anymore right it's like okay now this is upsetting me and that doesn't mean your life is shit again but it's like no you got to deal with those problems and putting on the front it's exhausting it's exhausting to do that because i did that for a long long time and i would lie to myself and be like and i like i mentioned my podcast before i come from a small town where everyone knew me i would walk around the town like everyone thinks i'm just chill bill nothing's wrong but deep down inside i knew everyone knew something was going on and it was so exhausting have having to face people and just act like yeah life was great lie to people about what i'm doing lie to people about where i'm working but really deep down inside that would just kill me kill me because it's like i'm lying to myself yeah you know so that's that's a good point man like just being honest and open with about how you feel and people say it's just a man thing though i think it's it's women too just anyone in general it's like sure it's so hard to just be open and honest with how you feel because it's not an easy thing to do to just be like man like this person kind of hurt me today they said this and it kind of hurt a little bit right or you know this is going on with work and it's kind of upsetting me right now right yeah it's so much easier for me to just be like that's bullshit man fuck i don't care no that person's an asshole yeah
Speaker 3that's the easy route i gotta be honest i was i was more alluding to the fact that you told me about your mom calling you last night on her birthday oh and that was a beautiful gift to
Speaker 5say and uh you know it's it's she called me earlier in the day so third thing my mom told me my mom's involved on fire shout out mom let's go so yeah she called me last night and uh or i talked to her earlier in the day she was it was her birthday i wish her happy birthday and she was going to have a family dinner with my grandparents and cousins whatever i was like you know i wish i could be there you know i don't see my parents as much now that i live in toronto but i was like you know it's it sucked a little bit to not be able to be there and then i talked to her later on in the night and she shared with me that there's this place my parents have behind the garage you have this big deck right that overlooks the lake and she's like you know for like a year she's like i i spent so much time that's she's that's her little spot she told me right she said she spent so much time out there crying and just wondering if like what was going to happen and if you were ever going to get better or if she would get that phone call one night right she said she spent so much time crying but she's like this like you know this was the best birthday gift ever that you're sober now and like i just i love you i was like what's wrong with you i was like whoa like you know i was just like well i i literally text anthony right away and i'm like my mom just had this he made me so happy yeah and i tell my mom i said so this for this morning one of my favorite parts about sobriety is just like like having my parents be like happy you know because they deserve that they they did a great job raising me it wasn't their fault why i become a drug addict so the fact that they can enjoy it makes me so happy yeah it's a gift man
Speaker 3huge gift so what what happened to you will that um brought you into recovery what was the initial
Speaker 4what was the moment or moments um you in a couple couple different things like the first time i came into recovery i was 19 um my first initial attempt and basically what brought me in was i just didn't want to live anymore you know i was uh attending audio school and really struggling to keep it together so i decided to defer school for a little bit so take in so like i i was going to a university program that i dropped out of now i'm finally studying like literally exactly what i want to do with my life and i enjoyed the program i wanted to be there more than anything i wanted to take this and take this as seriously as possible and my addiction was so bad that like i literally couldn't throughout the day i would have to stop at the bar the second i woke up i would start my morning with pills immediately smoke and just get fucked up all day so like it was just such a train wreck and every single day i'd be taking the subway from union station and think about jumping in front of it every single day that's heavy so like it just it just felt like i like that that pit in my stomach was just getting louder and louder and i was just like oh man i don't know how much longer i can keep this going even when so i i went with my mom to uh check out a center and she wasn't trying to like oh we're just gonna like pretend and then throw you in kind of thing it's like literally i was just checking out of rehab i had no intention of staying and i basically just like broke down there when i like i actually well it was like i was like it was crazy so we show up we drive in or whatever um i'm not gonna say what the place was called doesn't matter but anyway so we get there and they're like oh hey man how's it going they're trying to be nice to me something like the the current impatience or whatever you want to call them and i was like fucking terrible and they're like nice you're in the right place i was like what the fuck what's wrong with these people i'm like what's that hilarious and i go inside whatever we're bringing around like yeah i literally just broke down in the basement and like first for like a guy like me like that does not happen like you know like i don't know i don't know what i said like it's a miracle that i'm able to but it's so crazy so like that there was that moment and then fast forward boom that was 2015 then 2016 i had screwed up several times relapse whatever lots of bad things and then i had a week where there was two ods in a week um my previous mentor was driving me we were coming back from a form of community therapy and we hit black ice the car almost flipped and then someone drove into us and and my mentor was sober but just the fact that there was like four weird experiences and we were like oh my god i'm like yo i think i'm finally open to like the universe and a god-like thing i'm like something's clearly trying to tell me that i'm not going to be around at this point i'm like 20 years old i'm like i don't think i'm going to make it to 21 um this is like really really scary like i think they are right that this probably is the last house on the left i'm finally going to listen and i came to another center and like yeah at that that night at a therapy session like i i broke down in front of the whole group and that's something that never happens to me in a setting like that and i'm like oh my god i'm going to be around at this point i'm like oh my god i'm like i just i could not hold it in i was like terrified i i did not think that i was uh i had a chance at sticking around so i was like totally desperate you know finally like able to wave the
Speaker 3white flag and and open up for a new way yeah a new idea and then i still so then the last time
Speaker 4i left that center several months after i took my will back one day and i got high one last time i didn't get honest about it for like another three months and i'd say that was like my final and like my realist bottom was that i was sitting with a lie so i was telling people i remember this story six months but i really had three and every single night i would pray to my higher power to take that memory away i'm like oh it didn't happen but i knew it happened and what was so scary is the second that that had so that's why my dry days july 13 2016 and not april 10th and this it was terrifying because the second that happened even though it was just like you know one pop or whatever it doesn't matter the next thought in my head oh i could get away with this yeah no one has to know yeah like immediately that thinking came back like right away and i'm like oh man this is really really bad and for that month those months when i was holding that in i was getting sicker and sicker and sicker and i knew if i didn't get honest i was gonna go on like a really really bad tear and i don't think that i might have come back and like now that that's like the biggest like many motivators to stay sober but like any time and i rarely ever get thoughts but anytime that even like crosses my mind i'm like buddy like you're not like you're even though i'm i'm i've been sober longer now my disease has gotten worse yeah progressive illness yeah i'm not gonna go back to like i would and i can't even like the way this society is now like i don't like my eyes it's really russian yeah yeah no for real i have no desire to entertain i'm like yeah i'm gonna like i knew i was gonna die then i'm like now i i'd bet a hundred grand that i'd i'd die within a year probably much less than that and i have noticed you know oh shit man i want to see how long i can take this like if i can live to 85 that sounds pretty cool wasn't even an option before right absolutely not absolutely not i was i i'd like i'm 29 now that's crazy like i didn't expect to live to 30 wasn't in my wasn't in my deck of cards so yeah man blessed to be here wow what um so you you mentioned the you know the podcasting
Speaker 3is being kind of front and center and um we were talking about this before but like sacrifice to kind of you know not to be cheesy or anything but to like live your dreams like that's essentially what we're doing here um this was a dream that i had it was a dream that you had dream that and you know why not me i just talked about why not me so why not yeah i mean like what tell us about like sacrifices that you've had to make and and what that looks like and and why you do that
Speaker 4because yeah so my um honestly like the biggest motivator for me to finally get honest and get sober was so that because i i wasn't satisfied with the music that i had out in active addiction and it was crazy like more than my family more than my ex at the time more than like literally anything in my life i was like i just want to leave like some kind of better art behind that i that if i if i die that like i know hey i really did this shit like i did like at least there was something here something tangible um so yeah like i still feel the same way i don't really and i look at life so differently now like i don't really believe in the whole legacy thing because at the end of the day like you know we all eventually get forgotten and that's That's actually a very beautiful thing. But while I'm here, I want to do like, you know, like I said, I try to just seize the day as much as possible. I want to leave behind as much as I can, inspire as many people as I can, be involved in like, and hopefully just, you know, do my, it sounds corny, but like, yeah, just try to do like my little imprint on the people that I interact with to make the world a better, like just a little bit better than when I got here. I'm not too worried about like, oh, the macro stuff. I'm not trying to save the world or anything, but at least the lives that I touch, I want to have a positive impact on the people around me. And through like, yeah, podcasting, like even though, yeah, my comedy is super dark, it's not for everybody. A lot of people have that kind of six ends of humor and I bring some joy that way. And then same thing with like, with the music in a different sense, you know? So like, just really just try to like, yeah, leave, this is my way, you know, I'm blessed that God gave me these different things that I can do. And I just. I want to do. Rick Rubin writes really well about this. He says that, you know, like when we put out a piece of like, whatever, any form of art you're doing, and he believes that everything is art. It's like, that is for, that's an offering to God. So I want to give as many offerings as possible while I'm here. I don't know what's going to happen in the next stage or where I end up. It's not really my business, but just trying to make them. I feel like it's the least I can do to just make the most of it. Like, I don't know how I'm still around.
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Speaker 5Sacrifices is a big one though, man, because like, for example, it's... I didn't really answer the question. No, no, you did. You did, but it's, for example, like it's 10 o'clock at night, right? You're an hour away from home. We're still filming a podcast. I got to work. I got to be up at six in the morning. You have to work in the morning. And... I don't want to be anywhere else. Yeah, but like, that's the beautiful thing. This is exactly where we're supposed to be. The beautiful thing about doing something you love like this is like, I don't mind at all, but like to correlate three different schedules, you know, like we got to make some sacrifices. Like I'm going to have a little bit less sleep tonight. Yeah. Right. But like, I think we live in a society now where it's so tough to make a buy. For sure. So you need to stay on your grind. And like, literally, I know you guys are probably all watching TikTok videos right now. And it's, you know, David Goggins, like grind, grind. Right. But that's literally what you got to do if you want to work, like make things work. Like... Yeah. We all work a lot of hours. You know, we're trying to do this, which is our dreams. But this takes a lot of work. Yeah. Plus a job. Right. Plus you're going to school. Yeah. Plus we have, you know, a life. Right.
Speaker 3And family and friends. Right.
Speaker 5And it's so easy to just be like, no, like, you know, it's playoff time right now. Yeah. I want to watch playoff basketball right now. But like, no, this is... You got to stay on your P's and Q's. And that's just with everything in life. Sobriety, obviously. Like, it'd be very easy for us to just go to the nearest bar and all have a drink and whatever. Right. But no, like, you got to just... Like, one of the biggest things that helps me in life is that D word, discipline. Yeah. Doing things that, you know, doing the harder thing.
Speaker 3You don't necessarily want to do.
Speaker 5You don't want to do, but you know. And I was also speaking about this to my mom last night because I'm like sending her money every paycheck. Right. Yeah. Just to help save money and make sure I got money for rent and food and all this. And I'm like, you know, like last time I sent you money on Friday, I was like, you know, I was thinking it was 500 bucks. I'm like, I was like, fuck. Like, I could get away with just not sending money this week and then do it next week. And I'm like, fuck, I'll go buy it next week. I'll get a nice pair of sneakers. Like, you know, maybe go for like a nice supper. And I'm like, I really thought about it for a few hours. I sent it to her the next day that I was supposed to send it. And then I sent it the next day and I was disciplined. I'm like, even though I didn't want to do it up until the second I did it, after I did it, I felt better into it because you did the right thing. Right. Doing the right thing is not the easy thing. Doing the wrong thing is the easy thing. Right. And getting that instant gratification, which would be buying some sneakers. Right. But discipline, man, in life takes you a long, long way. I think it's one of the key things in my life is discipline. Discipline. And I feel like I'm doing a good job at it right now, but still, I could do so much better in so many other areas of my life.
Speaker 3I had a therapist in my first treatment center in Minnesota. His name was Dr. Joseph Lee, I think. He's a pretty famous psychiatrist in the addiction field. Shout out, shout out, Lee. Shout out. Shout out, Hazelden, Minnesota. And I was able to get a session with him, which I realized today was actually is a huge thing because he's a pretty big guy. Right. And he always told me, and this blew my mind because I was 23. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand addiction, but he made it, he explained it in such an easy way for me to digest. And he used like visuals with his hands. He's like, you know, addiction is like, you know, looking at this kind of, so he put it in terms that I could understand. You have an iPhone here, the newest iPhone, you have your house over here. Addiction is about bringing both of those things together, right? Instead of buying the new iPhone today, it's like you're saving the money, like you said, for that house down the road. And you're kind of like leveling out that instant gratification for that long-term gain. And that's what addiction is. It's like, I'm going to give up this line of Coke because I know that I'm going to feel better in the long run. And it's just slowly you're bringing it together. And when he said that to me, I was like, that just totally makes sense. I get it now. You know, you're giving up. I don't even remember.
Speaker 4Yeah, man. Like anything worthwhile takes a lot of time to answer that question a bit better. It's like, what? What does sacrifice look like? I've been doing music 13 years. Most people would have quit. Yeah, for sure. I thought about it a million times, I'll be honest. But I just keep going and I'm never going to stop doing that. I'm never going to stop podcasting. I just, I want to just, you know, everything that I do, you know, like, yeah, you mentioned with scheduling too. Like, yeah, I usually work like 30 hours a week doing shit that I have no interest in doing, but that's what I got to do because I got to pay my responsibilities. I didn't want to move back home like a year and a half ago. I had absolutely. No desire to do that. But, you know, I decided to do that to save money. And now I'm trying to like, yeah, more sacrifices. I've walked away from multiple relationships, like serious, serious, long-term relationships, people that I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with, you know, because for, for like, you know, largely for this dream, like I'm trying to move to America, restart, get property. If I can't do that, I might move across the world. I've got a ability to get like citizenship in New Zealand. Like I might wherever I know I want to leave. So like, boom, more sacrifices, like complete, like walking away from, from family, all kinds of different things, you know? So like, I'm willing to go to like the same way where I have to be like sobriety always comes first for me, but like trying to apply that principle to like everything that I value, you know, I have, am I willing to go to any length for like, for what I want to do? Yeah. And like, I have to be.
Speaker 5And this guy will, man, like, like you had mentioned about him getting, you know, the dream started podcasting. You do embody that because since I've been your, your, your homie, man, and as a man, it's been that long, like say four months, I've known you now, there's been multiple occasions where I've seen you like put certain things aside in your life. You're like, no, like this is getting in the way of my dream right now of making music and entertainment. You're like, no, like this is, you know what I'm doing. Right. And I've seen you do that. And it's so motivating. Right. Like, that's why it's good to have people like you in my circle and Anthony's circle. You know what I mean? Because you're like, like the greatest part, like you said, sobriety, we talk about that all the time, but like, as far as just, you know, what you're doing right now, like, like I said, I've seen you do it on multiple occasions and it's like, wow, like he's really putting it out there right now and trying to make this work. And that's so motivating to me, man. What, like the way I see you move when it comes to your music and the way you promote things and, you know, you're always connecting with new people.
Speaker 4Like, like wise boys, yo, real shit. You guys, like the second, as soon as you guys came out, boom, bear clips, bear clips. I was like, oh man, I got to fix up. I got to get more clips. I swear to God. That's how it works. It's fire, bro. I love when I get motivated when I see my friends doing their thing. Like it's so, it's so motivating. I saw some of my other buddies that were accomplishing things. Every time I see my friends getting on playlists. Or getting nominated or like the, another one of my buddies I saw this week, he had a video that went up like a 12 million views. This guy like up like 5k followers. Like it's so motivating. Like, it's like just people, you know, and I'm like, damn, like this is crazy.
Speaker 5Will shared on his social media today, man. It like touched me. You're like, I just want to see my brothers win, you know? And I'm going to tell you something that, that, that didn't come with sobriety. I hated seeing people do better than me. I was just going to say that. I hated seeing people do better than me. Right. People I grew up with. People. I'm like, oh man, this guy's, you know, doing better than me right now. But now that I'm sober, I love seeing people do good. Like it makes me so happy. It's possible. It's possible. It's possible.
Speaker 4It's like, wow, that's crazy. That's so cool. You can do it. Why can't I?
Speaker 5When I seen you share that today, I'm like, man, like it just fits, it fits the day so perfectly. Like you want to see, obviously you want to see me and Anthony do good. So you're traveling, you're meeting us, we're connecting, right? Like, I just love seeing that. It's like, we're pushing each other at the end of the day. Right. And that's not something I used to do before. I used to just want to grab your shirt and bring you to the ground with me. Like, I'm down here, buddy. Come with me.
Speaker 4Why am I not where he is? You know, a hundred percent. The envy, self-pity. Oh man. I've been through those cycles so many times. I used to drive through like nicer areas and be like, oh, fuck you, you rich piece of shit, whatever. And then I'm like, yo, like, hey, and then, then like the best question that I get to ask myself whenever I feel like that, those kinds of envious thoughts, it's like, am I willing to do the work and the sacrifices that it took? Yeah. Do I, do I really want this person's life or do I just want this thing? I probably don't want their life. They probably sacrificed everything to have that. Like, do I actually want, like, do I value it? Value wealth over everything else? Yeah, bro. Not really. Like for me even, like, you know, I want to be comfortably wealthy, but like some of the guys I used to look up to, like I bought this book years and years ago when I went on a trip to Bahamas called The Art of Being Rich or How to Be Rich with Felix Dennis. He passed away. He's from the UK. This guy's like a multi-billionaire or whatever. But yo, this guy was like, was crazy, bro. Like I wouldn't, and he's saying like to actually be like rich, rich, rich, rich. It's not for the faint of heart, man. This guy lost like basically everything just for that. It's like, am I willing to trade everything for that? No, I don't really have that option. Like sobriety comes first before that.
Speaker 3I mean, that's what it takes. I've heard a good analogy. It's like, you know, everybody, so there's like a bag at the top of a ladder and everybody's trying to get to the top of the ladder, right? Climb the ladder, whatever that looks like. The job, the car, the girl. And you can have your buddy that's already been to the top tell you, dude, it's not worth it. It's, there's. There's nothing in the bag. Right. But you need to go to the top yourself. And I've heard, I've heard, I think it was the CEO of Lululemon on a podcast. He was saying it. He's like, I've been to the top. He's like, he was right. It's not worth it. At the end of the day, like you get to the top and you're like, what's next? Right. It's the bag is empty, you know, but you need to go and scrape your knee and hit your head against the wall. And that's my case in being an addiction too. It's like, I wouldn't have come into recovery if I didn't bang my head against the wall 50 million times before I finally realized. That guy was right. Yeah. And today my mentors, they're always right. Yeah. My mom always right. You know, because they've been there, you know, it's like in the moment you're like, Oh, I'm right. You know, I always say this, but like my biggest problem today is I'm right. You know, that's my biggest problem.
Speaker 4No, that's so true. I literally had that happen again today when I decided to bring up some of my ideas about politics and different stuff at home. And I'm just like, yep. Just shouldn't like, why did I did it again? Could have kept all these things to myself. It just didn't matter. And now I hate him and him.
Speaker 5And it's like, before you say it too, you're like. Spiefing with my mom for no reason. All the day. Before you say those things too, you're like, I know where this is probably going to go, but no, fuck it. We ball. I'm going to say it anyways. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3I'm just like, Oh yeah, that sucked.
Speaker 5I had to apologize.
Speaker 3I love it. Well, if you could, I'm sure there's someone out there right now, you know, struggling to make it, you know, on their grind, working hard, not seeing any results. Yeah. If you could say something to that person, what would you say?
Speaker 4Double down, expect nothing. The biggest thing that I can do for myself is to just lower my expectations and to double, like to just focus in on the enjoyment of the activity and to get better and better at that and the marketing and don't worry about the results. Like the most miserable to this day, the most miserable I make myself is when I, I trip about results. Results are not up to me. They're up to the universe. I just have to keep putting the work in regardless of what happens. And like, there's even. Look at guys like Van Gogh. Van Gogh got shit on his entire life. Everyone thought this guy was a fuck up and a loser. He was basically a burden on everyone that cared about him. And he's like arguably one of the greatest artists of all time. Household name. You know? So sometimes your time is not in your time. Yeah. And like, does it matter? Yes. No. Like what's more important to you? So if you love what you're doing, keep doubling down on that. And if you're not as passionate, then it's also, sometimes it's a good opportunity to be like, Hey, you know what? Am I really willing to go? As far as this, or do I want to double down? Like, maybe you want to go harder on the nine to five, maybe like doing the art stuff. Isn't for you. Maybe you want to do finance. Maybe you want to do music management. Maybe you want to start a streaming company. Like there's a million ways that you can be a creative that don't have to be just the one thing. And I would never tell someone not to do the thing, but I think it's really important to reflect on like, you know, what, what, why I'm, why am I doing this? Am I doing this because of, for like the. Fame for the money, for the, the image, for whatever bullshit to meet women or something. Or am I doing this? Cause I love it. If you're doing it because you love it, you got to ride out the bad times. There's a lot of fucking bad times, you know?
Speaker 5Yeah. So I love that, man. I love that. I, and one thing I want to touch on about you will that I love so much, man, is like, you're a creative guy. You're a super interesting guy. Like I really like song. And the thing I like about you so much, man, is like, you're just like a hundred percent authentically will all the time. Like you don't ever switch it up when a. A certain person's around, like you're just always yourself. You know, you put yourself out there on all social media platforms and like, I re it's motivating to me. It's like, you know, like you just, you're, I, I, I love the fact that you're yourself all the time because I know that's something I struggle with. I think that's something a lot of people struggle with, right? Sober or not. I still struggle with it till to this day is putting on that front. Like, what are people going to think about me? Right. But like you, man, like I, I love that about you. And that's a lot of time, bro. And I respect that about you so much.
Speaker 3I had no self-confidence.
Speaker 5No, none of us did. Right.
Speaker 3Like, but it comes with repetition. Like you said, you know, right out the hard times. And then you're like, hi, I got through that. Wow.
Speaker 4That's amazing. My sponsor used to say like about like feeling comfortable in your skin. And for years I was like, yeah, you talking about, I'm like my first, my first year of sobriety, I was like literally just holding on for dear life. Just like fucking terrified. I'm like, ah, I'm just going to listen to like, if this guy told me to like move to like a random Island by myself and sit, stand on my head under a Palm tree for a year, I would have been like, okay, cool. Sounds good. I'm going to do that. It's over. Like if you say so, just eventually like, yeah, it felt, finally felt comfortable.
Speaker 5And one more thing I want to touch on too, before we end this, that you just mentioned is the expectations thing, man. That thing, that, that expectation thing helps me a lot because I expect things all every day, 25 times a day. Right. Like simple things like, you know, I expect to wake up in the morning and feel happy. I, you know, I expect to wake up and have to take a pee right away. Just think don't expect nothing because. That's what gets you really like off your set and upset and mad. Right. Like, and it happens all the time, man. So, and it's so it's, it's, I think it's essentially impossible to not expect anything, but like to really try and minimize that, to not expect things. And especially out of people in situations, right? Like, cause people let you down all the time, man. Everyone's going to let you down. You know, your job is going to let you down. The weather's going to let you down. Just don't expect nothing. Just wake up and just do what you can control, which is your actions. And that's what helps me so much. I, I really like try and live by that one expecting nothing, right? Like I don't expect the Leafs to win tomorrow night. I got hope they do, but you know what I mean? But yeah, what do they say?
Speaker 3Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentment, bro. It's so true. You know, I'm so, I'm just going to end up being pissed off, right? So I love that, man. Thanks so much for coming on.
Speaker 5Thanks for having me and again, guys, go check out Will's new album, his new visual for his music video boundaries, right? We'll put it up, we'll throw it up on the screen and a shout out links, music studios for having us here. I love this place. I love this place. You'll probably see us filming here more and again, just thank you guys for all the interaction on all the, uh, all the latest posts out there. You know, it's motivating for us. It's motivating for guys like Will, who do the same thing as us. This just keeps us going. Right. So yeah, love you guys all boys.
Speaker 6You're no longer alone.
Speaker 5That's it boys. Keep rocking it.
Speaker 6Thanks for listening. Please help us. Grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content. The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only. This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, addiction, treatment, or therapy. If you are someone, you know, is struggling with addiction, please consult a licensed physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional, you are no longer alone. We're here to help you get the best out of your life. We're here to help you get the best out of your life. We're here to help you get the best out of your life. We're here to help you get the best out of your life. We're here to help you get the best out of your life.
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